Top Chef - Season 4, Episode 3
Previously on Top Chef: Zoi and Jennifer? Still lesbians. Richard wanted to wow people with his culinary gadgetry. Valerie made crappy blinis for the zoo party, while Andrew's glacier and squid won the day. The elimination telegraphed from the first sixty seconds of the episode came to fruition, and Valerie got chopped. Fourteen chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening menu. Feeling guilty over not making anything for the first two episodes, I whipped together some cinnamon sugar pitas and a low-fat cinnamon cream cheese dip to go with it. Not bad.
A time-lapse morning comes to Chicago. Andrew and Spike slap each other around playfully, while Ryan brushes his teeth, and Dale puts his contacts in. Don't feel bad for needing to forcibly pry your eyes open, Dale. I have to put mine in the same way. Richard's faux-hawk is already standing at attention when he wakes up. Jeez, dude. You ever wash that stuff? Stephanie says it was tough to see Valerie go, because all the ladies of the house want to see a woman make it to the finals. My advice is to not make crappy blinis. Andrew interviews that part of being a chef is being an entertainer. I'm not so sure I agree with that, but whatever. Everyone heads out for the day.
Quickfire Challenge. The chefs come into the Kitchen, where they're met by Padma and this week's guest judge, Rick Bayless. I can't decide if Rick's had Botox, or he's just kind of strangely put together. He's got a lot of experience turning Mexican food into a fine dining experience, and it's with that in mind that today's Quickfire is introduced. The chefs will be creating an upscale taco. Erik interviews that tacos are indicative of the street food aspect of Mexican cuisine, and to try and reinvent them as a gourmet item bugs him. We'll see he's not alone in that assessment. Padma starts off the thirty-minute time limit. Chefs scatter, while joyous Latin music pipes up in the background.
Miguel has a lot of experience cooking in Mexican restaurants, so his idea to dress up the taco is by using cactus petals. Avocados are in high demand. Spike interviews that he has no intention of making anything but a street food taco, because that's what tacos are all about. Well, ignoring challenge parameters is certainly what Spike's all about. Andrew chops up some plantains and gets to cooking some duck. Richard is giddy over the "reinvent" part of the challenge, because he excels at food experimentation. He starts thinly slicing some jicama to use as the taco shell. Interesting. Ryan is also using jicama, but as a filling, along with some pomegranate and squash. Mark can't understand why so many of his competitors are making street food. Time winds down, and Padma and Rick go down the line. Miguel is the only one to get Spanish guitar backup music. He wanted to do a traditional T'A-coh. He used cho-RRRRRRREEEEEE-soh, made a quick pee-CAHN VERRRRRRR-day, and used toh-mah-TEE-yohs, along with some other Mexican-inspired ingredients with unnecessary accents. Just cause he's a native doesn't excuse him from the Ricotta Rule.
Tiffany: "Saying it like that doesn't make it taste better."
Lisa's taco doesn't look upscale in the slightest, and contains skirt steak, caramelized onions, grilled pineapple, and a cabbage slaw. Rick's teeth can't bite through the tough steak. Ew. Andrew's taco contains duck breast, and is served alongside a plantain jam with Cotija cheese. Sounds great. Erik has made a chipotle-braised chicken taco with avocado, pomegranate salsa, and some guacamole. Not only is that not upscale, but the pomegranate salsa looks like crap. Literally. Although Spike said he had no intention of even trying to make an upscale taco, he kind of did. It's ground pork marinated in sweet soy, with some chili powder, and a bright tomatillo sauce on the side. Ryan has grilled squash tacos, with chickpeas stewed in chilis. The last entry we see is Richard's. His jicama shells are very neat and pretty, and they're filled with avocado, papaya, and cilantro stems.
Results. Rick thinks there were a lot of good flavors to be had, although a lot of people simply made a taco without really considering the "upscale" half of the challenge. First in the bottom three is Erik, thanks to his messy plate. Erik interviews that "fine dining" and "Mexican" don't go together anyway, so Rick can go screw himself. Well, that's an awfully vehement response to a mild criticism. Lisa's skirt steak was far too tough. Ryan is also in the bottom three, seemingly because he wrapped his taco in a piece of paper, which isn't fancy enough. Um, OK. Care to judge on the food, Rick? On to the top three. Andrew's flavors were nice and refined, and his presentation was beautiful. Richard's had street food taste in a fine dining package. Spike's had excellent flavor. The winner of the Quickfire Challenge and immunity is Richard, which pisses Spike off. Apparently, Spike feels he can ignore selected parts of challenges and still win. Handy. Aside from immunity, Richard's taco will also appear on the menu in Rick's restaurant. That's totally why he won; Rick wanted the entry with the neatest presentation.
Padma tells the chefs to divide themselves into a red team and a blue team before they'll be taken to the site of the Elimination Challenge. Spike disdains the people flocking towards immune Richard, because they'll have a better chance of being eliminated. Well, that's true if you're selecting a loser at random, but you're not. Richard's been really strong so far, so it's not unlikely that he'd help propel his team to victory. In any event, the chefs eventually split into:
Red: Zoi, Dale, Ryan, Spike, Andrew, Erik, and Jennifer
Blue: Manuel, Stephanie, Nikki, Mark, Richard, Antonia, and Lisa
As Zoi and Jennifer interview about what it'll be like to work together as well as with five other people, we see that the chefs have notepads out. They also keep in constant communication in the car ride to the challenge site. Lord knows why. What could they have to jot down? "Ideas for Challenge: 1) Find out what challenge is. 2) ???" Only Antonia seems to get that brainstorming is kind of pointless right now. I think I may be taking a shine to Antonia.
Commercials. If my sister were such a shallow bitch, I really wouldn't care what she thought of my girlfriend.
Elimination Challenge. The chefs pull up to a very pretty, tree-lined neighborhood. Padma tells them that Chicago is a city made up of neighborhoods. As opposed to those cities that are made up of cheese logs, I guess. This particular neighborhood is holding their annual block party the next day, and the chefs will be in charge of cooking for it. They expect to have about forty adults and seventy children present. That is a terrible adult-to-child ratio. How can you hope to enjoy a party when everyone of age is expected to look after an average of 1.75 children? There's an added twist, of course. Padma informs the chefs that they won't be shopping for this challenge in the traditional sense. Instead, they'll be going door-to-door in the neighborhood, and must collect their ingredients from the houses themselves. One hopes the producers informed the people of the neighborhood about this ahead of time. Richard is happy to have immunity, as he's not "super social". No kidding? Tomorrow, the chefs will have three hours to prep and cook, but for now, get to knocking!
The chefs split into their teams. The Red team sends Ryan in on point, because he's the pretty boy. Jennifer goes with him. I doubt the elderly man who answers the first door is interested in either one. The chefs tackle houses in pairs, and everyone who answers the door clearly expects them. Jennifer ransacks some marshmallows for the kids. Ooh, good idea.
LabRat: "Keep saying 'It's for the children!' Nobody can resist that."
Jennifer also grabs some pork loin, and some veeeeeeeeeery conveniently-placed salad dressing, label side out. Why, it's the very dressing that sponsors the show! How lucky! Ryan grabs a bunch of some very delectable fruit. Antonia and Nikki find a lot of pasta at the first house, so Nikki hits upon the idea to make mac and cheese. Andrew and Spike discover one of those women who packs food away like a nuclear holocaust is expected next week. Surprisingly, it's not my mother. Spike hands Andrew a veeeeeeeeeery conveniently-placed barbecue sauce, label side out. Why, it's the very barbecue sauce that sponsors the show! How lucky! As they leave, Antonia approaches the house, and Spike tells her that they've cleaned it out already. This is a fib, as Spike gleefully informs us that there was plenty of food left in Pack Rat's pantry. He's happy about misleading the Blue team, but says that he doesn't really consider it sabotage. I agree. The Red team can check for themselves.
Back at the cars, the teams look over their groceries and try to decide what to do. Richard interviews that the Blue team is going to take a more upscale approach. Paella is discussed. The Red team is keeping it simple, with foods you'd expect at a neighborhood block party, like corn dogs and sliders. Ryan interviews that although they want to make the people happy, he's keeping in mind that the judges have to be wowed, too.
The next day, the chefs stream into the Kitchen to do their three hours of prep. The Blue team's menu consists of paella (Richard), a slaw (Lisa), some BBQ pulled pork (Manuel), a bean salad (Antonia), an inside-out cookie (Mark), a "sexy drink" and some fruit cobbler (Stephanie), and mac and cheese (Nikki). Nikki wonders if she can melt the Velveeta she's gotten into a sauce that won't coagulate. Has Nikki never seen a commercial? Meltability is, like, Velveeta's entire selling point! Richard hopes making paella, which is a very atypical food for a block party, won't come back to bite him in the ass. Meanwhile, Stephanie is going to try and redeem herself from last week's chip disaster by making another one to stick in the fruit cobbler.
Over at the Red team, lots of meat is ground. Jennifer hopes that neither she nor Zoi is eliminated. Hey, have you heard they're a couple? The Red team's menu consists of sliders (Jennifer), corn dogs (Erik), pork skewers (Dale), sangria (Andrew), a Waldorf salad (Ryan), pasta salad (Zoi), taco salad (Spike), and S'mores (Nobody yet -- you can't make S'mores ahead of time, silly! These people would never create food that wouldn't hold up to sitting around for hours!) Erik interviews that there's no team leader, and that he works with corn dogs at his restaurant. He...does? Is the restaurant in the middle of a circus?
Zoi isn't happy to be stuck with the pasta salad. She quite correctly says that it's unlikely that a simple pasta salad is going to carry her on to victory, and regrets not saying something earlier. Dale is a little unhappy that they're not putting a more elegant twist on the food, as the Blue team is doing. I don't fully understand Zoi and Dale's position. If everyone is responsible for their own dish, what's to stop them from changing it any way they please, as Stephanie's doing over there with the cinnamon chip for the fruit? Why doesn't Zoi do something else with the pasta? Why doesn't Dale put an upscale twist on his pork? The challenge is simply to make good food. It doesn't have to be an entirely cohesive menu, and I doubt the rest of the team would fight that hard for something as banal as pasta salad.
Ptom stops by to Ptimewaste. Nikki explains that the "sexy drink" is simple syrup with lavender and fresh citrus that will be carbonated at the block party. Ooh, I'm getting all turned on! Ptom asks her what makes it sexy, and she laughs that it's the lavender. Okay, then. Erik tells Ptom that he's very comfortable with corn dogs, and that the Red team is putting forth a real team effort on each of the dishes. Ryan tells Ptom his Waldorf salad is vinegar-based instead of the more traditional mayonnaise-based. Ptom tells Ryan that mayonnaise is generally what keeps everything fresh, and Ryan stares at him with a deer-in-the-headlights look. Ryan really needs to settle down by the fire some snowy evening with a food dictionary. Jennifer tries to cover by saying that the roasted apples will provide the creamy element. Huh? Time begins to wind down, and the chefs pack everything up for transport. Nikki worries that her mac and cheese's sauce will dry out as it sits for hours. Erik worries that the sitting time will make his corn dogs soggy. Don't worry, guys. I'm sure the laws of physics will reverse themselves to cut you a break. Time runs out. Ryan reminds us that somebody's going to be eliminated. Thanks for reminding me. I had forgotten, what with the way it happens every week.
Commercials. If you liked watching vapid, spoiled women wander around California being boring, you'll love watching vapid, spoiled women wander around New York being boring!
The block party is in full swing, and someone has drawn a very fetching "Welcome, Top Chef" picture on the street in chalk, complete with chef's hat and knife. Oh, my God, they've got a dunking booth. I love dunking booths! I often wish I could have sat in one. I'm confident I could be insulting enough to get people to throw things. People walk their dogs, a kid whales on a pinata, and the whole thing looks like grand fun. Spike hopes to impress everyone. The chefs only have twenty minutes to set everything up, so it's a bit of a frenzy. Andrew's jazzed to serve the people their own food. The neighborhood folks line up, and cheer on both teams. As Erik feared, his corn dogs have gotten soggy, though not to the point that he thinks they need to be tossed. And as Nikki feared, her mac and cheese has dried up, and looks as disgusting as her mushrooms did last week. I hope nobody drew Nikki in the office Top Chef pool. She tries to hide it from the neighborhood with aluminum foil, and adds as much cream and butter as she can to soften it up. Some neighborhood folks tend their own grills, adding some veeeeeeeeeery conveniently-placed charcoal, label side out. Why, it's the very charcoal that sponsors the show! How lucky!
The judges approach. Feh, we've got Ted Allen this week instead of Gail. I swear, I used to like him. It's just that he's become increasingly tiresome in his guest judge spots, and capped it off with that inexcusable attack on Saran. The bloom's off this rose. Bring Gail back! Everyone starts eating. Manuel reiterates that the Blue team wants to provide a more upscale experience, not just with the food, but with the plating. They're trying to get as far away from buffet style as they can. Spike hand-fires the S'mores for the Red team. S'mores are always good for a "yaaaaay!", and the crowd does not disappoint. A lady recognizes her peaches in the sangria. Andrew interviews that the Red team really got the whole concept of the block party down. Richard explains to Ted that the Blue team's paella has clams, oysters, sausage, and shrimp in it. Sounds good to me. The Blue team also has ribs with Mexican chocolate barbecue sauce. That's the first I've heard of it, but okay. That sounds tasty. Stephanie presents the fruit crumble with her cinnamon sugar wontons.
Nikki gives Ptom and Rick her mac and cheese, which is topped with bacon and breadcrumbs. The blue team also hands over their inside-out cookie, which is a chocolate chip cookie rolled in crushed Oreo cookie, and then the inside of the Oreo is used to make a cream for a smiley face on top. Stephanie prepares a "sexy drink" for them, and interviews that the judges tend to walk away before eating, so the chefs have no idea of how they did. Padma and Ted get some cold taco salad from the Red team. It has chorizo, avocado, shrimp, jalapeno, cabbage, and some lime dressing. Jennifer's sliders are ground beef with a little bit of turkey, some bacon, and a Provolone cheese sauce. Dale presents his grilled pork tenderloin kebabs, which are served with charred pineapple, red onion, and a smoked red curry barbecue sauce. That sounds so good. Spike prepares some S'mores for the judges. Padma, graceful as ever, drops a glob of marshmallow out of her mouth, and onto Ted's shoe.
Rick and Ptom get some of Ryan's chicken Waldorf salad and Erik's corn dogs with pomegranate ketchup and spicy mustard. The Red team also has a entire dip bar set up, which is a good idea. Zoi stirs her pasta salad. Some kids jump in a moon bounce. Aw, they've got a moon bounce, too? I wish my neighborhood threw parties like this. The judges withdraw to compare notes. A neighborhood lady says she liked Dale's pork, but was disappointed in the Blue team's paella. Some guy liked Jennifer's sliders. Another guy noticed how soft Erik's corn dogs were. A lady really enjoyed the Blue team's fruit crumble. Ryan and Spike go to play some low-hoop basketball with the neighborhood kids.
LabRat: "You're traveling."
Richard is unimpressed by the Red team's sliders, but sees the way they're casually hanging out with the folks of the neighborhood, and worries that the Blue team got demolished. Antonia tells him that the Blue team worked their asses off. Spike climbs into the dunking booth, but Andrew cannot sink him. They're both confident that they really satisfied the neighborhood. The chefs take off, and Manuel interviews that it's unfortunate that someone's going to be eliminated, but that's the nature of the game. Thanks for reminding me. I had forgotten, what with the way Ryan told me the same thing ten minutes ago.
Commercials. OK, forget the food. The commercial with the multi-directional, pulsating, temperature-controlled shower heads really makes my mouth water.
The chefs wait for the results in the Kitchen. Spike and Dale are convinced the Red team did really well. Padma comes in, and summons the Blue team to Judges' Table. The Red team gets nervous. Spike tries to rationalize by saying that nobody knows why the Blue team got called first. Um, because this show's most tedious aspect is that they always call the winning team first? That's my guess! Oh, and I note the predictably-awful Titles Department has now reinserted the much-needed apostrophe into "Judges' Table". Silly me, expecting consistency, even in their errors. The Blue team comes into the judging room, where Ptom tells them the two teams were very close. He's disappointed in some of the food, especially considering the people on it. I guess that's a dig at challenge winners like Richard, Mark, and Stephanie. Padma asks if there was a distinct leader, and Nikki answers that it was more of a team effort. Rick tells Nikki that her mac and cheese sauce hardened into a brick. Ptom takes Richard to task for making a paella that was more of a pilaf.
Stephanie is asked what she did, and she says she conceptualized the dessert, and helped with the drink. Miguel's starting to sweat, although he will not speak a word throughout this segment, as is the curse of the No Screentime Club. Padma says that the judges loved the drink, and the Blue team wins by a small margin, seemingly based on that. Antonia's bean dish was nice, as was Stephanie's dessert. The cinnamon wonton contributed heavily to the team's success, and Stephanie wins her second Elimination Challenge. She's all over the board. She appears surprised, but recovers into a nice Reality Cliche pattern, saying something about keeping up her game. The Blue team is happy, but Ptom warns them not to be too thrilled with themselves, as they barely squeaked out this win. Padma asks them to send the Red team in. Stephanie announces her win back in the Kitchen, which causes Ryan's jaw to drop and Andrew to take another swig of beer. No hearty applause this time. The Red team trudges out, and the Blue team toasts themselves for not sucking quite as much.
Odd Asian music. Gong. The Red team lines up in the firing squad position. Padma informs them that they were the weaker team, and asks Ryan why he thinks this is so. "I honestly can't tell you," he says. Spike pipes up to say that he thought they kicked the Blue team's collective ass, and Padma shoots him down. Rick says that the judges all found Erik's corn dog a "universal disappointment". Erik, who you'll remember bragged about his daily experience with corn dogs earlier, now shrugs that they were the best he could do, implying there's not much to be done with hot dogs. The judges describe the soggy outer layer, and although nobody questions that it happened during transport, it's not like said transport was sprung on the chefs. They knew the food would have to hold up over time. Zoi employs one of my least favorite phrases when she says that they made corn dogs because they were trying to appeal to the Middle-American-with-kids block party aesthetic.
LabRat: "Yes! Keep talking about the kids, and you'll be fine."
Heh. Seriously, though, I hate, hate, hate the term "Middle America". It's almost never used in anything but an insulting context. In this instance, what's meant by "Middle America block party"? What do they serve at block parties on the coasts? Lobster bisque? I'm sure it has useful applications, but until it's used to mean something other than "homogeneous mass of uncultured, chain-restaurant lovin', WalMart shoppin', Bush-votin', gay-hatin' hicks", I'm not a fan.
Ptom says he understands what they were going for, but not to the extent that they'd "dumb down" their food. See? Ted asks if the Waldorf salad held up to the extent that it needed to. Ryan is sure that it did, because he kept the components separate and on ice until they needed to be mixed. Rick says that a traditional Waldorf salad is very crisp, and Ryan's had so much chicken in it, it went soggy. Although I'm somewhat impressed that the Red team really stands by the meal they put out, the bashing of Middle America continues, as Spike informs the judges that they have really good palates that taste food better than others, but the team was cooking for the neighborhood. Yeah, just give us meat-flavored gruel. Ted says that they can judge a jelly donut as competently as a sous-vide duck. Spike doesn't back down, saying that everyone on the team tasted everything, and that they really made the block party. Ptom tells them that if everyone tasted Zoi's bland, oily pasta salad and thought it was good, then they have really poor palates. Zing!
Erik and Zoi both try to explain that pasta salad wasn't her idea or wish, and Rick astutely says that they're really sticking together as a team, but when things are decided by committee, the results can suffer. Andrew manages to miss the point completely, saying that there's no way that the Blue team brought as much commitment and teamwork to the challenge. How utterly irrelevant, thank you. Ptom reminds them that someone's going home. Thanks for reminding me. I had forgotten, what with the way Manuel told me the same thing ten minutes ago. Andrew wiggas that they'd have to drag him out with security guards, because "this is mah house".
Kender: "Interestingly, we can provide those."
That'd make for an exciting scene, but no such luck. Padma dismisses the chefs. Once they're gone, she mentions that they were certainly surprised to lose. "I thought it was pretty clear that they were the losing team," Ptom sniffs, apparently forgetting that two minutes ago, he told the Blue team they won by the skin of their teeth. Ted and Rick agree that making food to appeal to the Common Man instead of the judges is condescending, as good food can be enjoyed by everyone. Ryan's Waldorf salad and Erik's corn dogs were the clear losers of the day, though Zoi's pasta salad is also roundly criticized. Ted makes the good point that even if Zoi didn't want to do pasta salad, once she agreed to do it, she should have made a good one. Back in the Kitchen, Zoi curses a blue streak, angry at herself for not canning the pasta salad idea when she had the chance. The judges make their decision.
Commercials. Wait, so is that David Beckham golfing? Does he golf? Why does it matter? What does any of that have to do with a marker? What toads were they licking at the ad agency when this was cooked up?
Elimination. Ptom tells the Red team that this should have been a simple challenge. Ryan's salad was watery, unseasoned, and unfocused. Zoi should be able to make a pasta salad, regardless of her feelings towards it. If there's one thing Erik should know inside-out, it's corn dogs, and he should have been anticipated their sogginess. He throws it over to Padma for the chopping. Erik. Please pack your knives and go. In his final interview, he tells us he did what he could, and that you have to take the bad with the good. Nicely Zen. He gets a group hug back in the Kitchen. Zoi looks guilt-ridden. Erik will miss the friends he's made, and wishes everyone else the best. Aw. Zoi says it would have been embarrassing to go home for pasta salad, but on a personal level, she wishes Erik could have stuck around longer. I heartily agree; there are far more annoying fish to fry. Erik leaves, and Zoi wipes away a tear. Erik closes by saying that losing on the show will not affect his career, which he expects to be long and fruitful. He exits with no bitterness whatsoever, a virtue that other people would be wise to cultivate.
Overall Grade: B
Monday, March 31, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
House of Pain
America's Next Top Model - Season 10, Episode 6
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Whitney didn't appreciate being called racist by Dominique, especially since skin color has nothing to do with why Dominique is such an asshole. The girls had paint dripped down their faces. Marvita, whether by intimidation or boredom, couldn't give her all, and was punted back home. Nine girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
So the whole first segment is the Saga of Dominique's Alarm Clock. She sets it early, and she sets it often. I admit, I have to do the same thing, as I'm a deep sleeper (and the polar opposite of a morning person), so it takes me several attempts to get out of bed. On the other hand, I'm not sharing my room with a bunch of other people. Claire confronts Dominique about waking other people up unnecessarily, and Dominique has a customary "What? I have to take other people into consideration?" type of response. Even Anya is, like, "that girl needs to work on her communication", and when Anya says that, you know you've got a problem. Dominique's selfishness leads Claire, Whitney, and even sweet-tempered Lauren to yell at her, so she flees to the phone to complain to her mom about how they're all just intimidated by her modeling prowess. Yeah, that must be it. Not that you're a raging asshole.
The next day, Tyra drives the girls to a dance studio, where they dress in identical red outfits for no reason whatsoever. She teaches them about portraying various kinds of pain through posing, and the whole thing is horrifically boring. Later, the girls learn that their pain poses were actually a challenge, and Anya emerges as the winner. Her prize is to go have a one-on-one photo shoot with Nigel, where she's naked on a bed. Thumbs up to Nigel, because the resulting pictures are the first time I can accept Anya as a model. She looks really good. When Aimee hears of what the shoot entailed, she's relieved not to have won, because she's all Mormony and innocent, and not ready to get naked. Understandable. It's not like the girls have had to pose in states of undress since the first season or anything.
Later that night, Claire, Whitney, and Lauren shit-talk Dominique in the same room as her, while Dominique is trying to sleep. And yeah, I hate Dominique, and I'm sick to death of her "Why don't you treat me with respect?" whine, as she clearly can't fathom that you get what you put out in that department. But by the same token, the other three really are being bitchy. I'm all for shit-talking Dominique, or for fighting with her when she's being especially douchey, but you can't claim a moral high ground if you're going to bully someone who's just trying to go to sleep.
The next day, the girls head for the photo shoot, where they're told they'll each embody a different type of music. Interesting. Fatima is heavy metal, and blah. Katarzyna is emo, and fine. Lauren is pop, and gorgeous as always. Claire is country, and somewhat hokey. Dominique is folk, and just stands around looking stoned. Anya is punk, and looks fine, though OJ says the hair, makeup, and wardrobe are doing most of the work. Stacy-Ann is house, and whoever did her hair is a genius. It's like an explosion of porcupine spikes, and looks awesome. Aimee is R&B, and sucks. Yeah, if there's one thing I don't trust to the Mormons, it's rhythm. Whitney is grunge, and does a terrific job.
At panel, the judges love Whitney, and think Katarzyna rocked the short hair look so well they're going to attack her in the middle of the night with styling scissors. On the other end, neither Claire nor Aimee connected with their music styles at all, and wind up in the bottom two. This one's not hard to call, and indeed, Aimee takes a walk. In her final interview, she assures us that she's not as innocent as the judges thought she was. I'll believe it when I see a boob shot, Aimee. Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Go-sees! The harsh industry comes down hard on poor, curvy Whitney, which delights Dominique no end. Lauren freaks the fuck out.
Overall Grade: C
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Whitney didn't appreciate being called racist by Dominique, especially since skin color has nothing to do with why Dominique is such an asshole. The girls had paint dripped down their faces. Marvita, whether by intimidation or boredom, couldn't give her all, and was punted back home. Nine girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
So the whole first segment is the Saga of Dominique's Alarm Clock. She sets it early, and she sets it often. I admit, I have to do the same thing, as I'm a deep sleeper (and the polar opposite of a morning person), so it takes me several attempts to get out of bed. On the other hand, I'm not sharing my room with a bunch of other people. Claire confronts Dominique about waking other people up unnecessarily, and Dominique has a customary "What? I have to take other people into consideration?" type of response. Even Anya is, like, "that girl needs to work on her communication", and when Anya says that, you know you've got a problem. Dominique's selfishness leads Claire, Whitney, and even sweet-tempered Lauren to yell at her, so she flees to the phone to complain to her mom about how they're all just intimidated by her modeling prowess. Yeah, that must be it. Not that you're a raging asshole.
The next day, Tyra drives the girls to a dance studio, where they dress in identical red outfits for no reason whatsoever. She teaches them about portraying various kinds of pain through posing, and the whole thing is horrifically boring. Later, the girls learn that their pain poses were actually a challenge, and Anya emerges as the winner. Her prize is to go have a one-on-one photo shoot with Nigel, where she's naked on a bed. Thumbs up to Nigel, because the resulting pictures are the first time I can accept Anya as a model. She looks really good. When Aimee hears of what the shoot entailed, she's relieved not to have won, because she's all Mormony and innocent, and not ready to get naked. Understandable. It's not like the girls have had to pose in states of undress since the first season or anything.
Later that night, Claire, Whitney, and Lauren shit-talk Dominique in the same room as her, while Dominique is trying to sleep. And yeah, I hate Dominique, and I'm sick to death of her "Why don't you treat me with respect?" whine, as she clearly can't fathom that you get what you put out in that department. But by the same token, the other three really are being bitchy. I'm all for shit-talking Dominique, or for fighting with her when she's being especially douchey, but you can't claim a moral high ground if you're going to bully someone who's just trying to go to sleep.
The next day, the girls head for the photo shoot, where they're told they'll each embody a different type of music. Interesting. Fatima is heavy metal, and blah. Katarzyna is emo, and fine. Lauren is pop, and gorgeous as always. Claire is country, and somewhat hokey. Dominique is folk, and just stands around looking stoned. Anya is punk, and looks fine, though OJ says the hair, makeup, and wardrobe are doing most of the work. Stacy-Ann is house, and whoever did her hair is a genius. It's like an explosion of porcupine spikes, and looks awesome. Aimee is R&B, and sucks. Yeah, if there's one thing I don't trust to the Mormons, it's rhythm. Whitney is grunge, and does a terrific job.
At panel, the judges love Whitney, and think Katarzyna rocked the short hair look so well they're going to attack her in the middle of the night with styling scissors. On the other end, neither Claire nor Aimee connected with their music styles at all, and wind up in the bottom two. This one's not hard to call, and indeed, Aimee takes a walk. In her final interview, she assures us that she's not as innocent as the judges thought she was. I'll believe it when I see a boob shot, Aimee. Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Go-sees! The harsh industry comes down hard on poor, curvy Whitney, which delights Dominique no end. Lauren freaks the fuck out.
Overall Grade: C
Monday, March 24, 2008
Zoo Food
Top Chef - Season 4, Episode 2
Previously on Top Chef: Sixteen chefs arrived in Chicago to prove that they're interesting enough to fight on TV. Oh, and they think they can cook, too. Jennifer and Zoi admitted they toss the tuna in places besides the kitchen. Stephanie's hands nervously shook out of control, but she needn't have worried, as her duck platter won the first Elimination Challenge. Mark's dish was unimpressive, but since Nimma's taste buds are all set to Bitter, she was unable to season anything properly, and got booted. Fifteen chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening menu. Um, we weren't at our best this week. Still fighting hangovers from St. Patrick's Day, the best anyone could rustle up was some cheese and crackers.
A lovely morning dawns on Chicago. Dale and Spike rouse themselves out of bed, while Stephanie and Valerie do some morning exercise. Last season's chefs were big on exercise, too. Were I in their place, I'd be getting as much sleep as I could. Stephanie is happy to have proved herself to the others by winning the first Elimination Challenge, but is realistic about winning more. That's refreshing. God knows, we've certainly had plenty of "I won one challenge, so I am going to DOMINATE this entire competition!" Valerie interviews that she and Stephanie worked together many years ago, so she's relieved that she's got a friend in the house. Oh, for fuck's sake. We're not even two minutes into the episode, and we already know how it's going to end. So Valerie and Stephanie are friends? Well, this couldn't possibly turn out the way it did when Dale and Saran told us they were friends. Or when Casey and Lia told us they were friends. Or when Casey said she and Tre had a brother/sister relationship. Or when Marisa and Josie told us they were friends. Or when... Well, you get the drift. I hate, hate, hate this editing tactic. I suppose it's supposed to offer some wry, ironic comment on the state of friendship in a competition, but it's been done so much, all it does is kill any suspense the episode may have had.
In the Kitchen, Spike is telling Mark that he was sad to see Nimma go. It must be because of all that mad phat socializing she did. Spike says he thought it was going to be Mark eliminated, and I can't tell how serious he is. Mark laughs it off, but was humbled by his low placement. He's ready to kick ass in today's Quickfire. Jennifer and Zoi decide to keep a little distance between them, lest they not appear like they're actually competing against each other. Everyone trudges out for the day.
Quickfire Challenge. The chefs meet Padma at a Farmer's Market, where she explains that they'll be creating an entree with ingredients found here. Ryan and Valerie are pleased, the latter because she frequents this market all the time. Wow, Valerie's in great shape! And she's got a friend in the house. I'll bet she's in this competition for the long haul! Padma says that the Quickfire does have a catch. The entire entree cannot be composed of more than five ingredients (although salt, pepper, sugar, and oil won't count towards the five). Anything else, whether bought at the market or taken from the Kitchen will count. They'll have $25 and 30 minutes to shop, and the winner will get immunity in the upcoming Elimination Challenge. Spike grins. He's got odd teeth. Padma lets them loose, and the chefs stampede for the market, almost trampling some kids. Heh.
Everyone tries to take stock before deciding what to buy. "Are these all the tomatoes you have?" Jennifer asks a vendor who's got about a hundred visible. How many are you planning on using, Jennifer? Spike isn't even bothering with that, taking some time out to enjoy a guitarist. He basically doesn't care if he does well in the Quickfire or not. Richard buys some eucalyptus. Mark has a lot of issues, from bumping people to not wanting to wait in line to messing with a vendor's stuff, which she doesn't appreciate. Dale disdains the people buying frozen meat. Mark buys some lettuce, then runs off without taking it. Dude, shop much? I understand the chefs are under a lot of pressure right now, but a Farmer's Market isn't the most complicated arena. He realizes soon after time is called that he doesn't have his lettuce, but he doesn't have time to look for it. Everyone returns to the Kitchen, where they meet Padma and this week's guest judge, Wylie Dufresne. He's a molecular gastronomist, so you know Richard is happy to see him. Padma reminds everyone that they're allowed to use salt, pepper, sugar, and oil without counting them towards the five ingredients. The chefs have thirty minutes to cook, and Padma starts the clock.
Chefs scatter in a mad panic. Dishes are grabbed. Vegetables are mauled. Richard comes off as a bit defensive when he says that molecular gastronomy is not "whiz-bang gadget-gizmo", but rather, using science to make food taste better. Whatever helps you sleep at night, sir. I'm all about food and all about science, but I don't think it's necessary to understand the scientific properties of cookies before you can make them taste good, you know? It'd certainly be interesting, just not necessary. Mark interviews that he's going to use butter in place of his missing lettuce. That's an odd substitution. "I'm out of pecans, so I'm just going to use pickle juice!" I don't know what he's making, so maybe it'll work out. It just sounded strange. Spike is unhappy with the meat he's purchased. Well, maybe you could concentrate a little more on examining your ingredients and less on grooving to the mellow sounds of wandering minstrels next time. Valerie interviews that it's hard to elbow one's way in to find burner space, which is at a premium. She manages. Everyone plates their food, and time runs out.
Padma and Wylie go down the line. Richard has braised chicken and called his entree "chicken soup", though there's nothing soupy about it. In addition to the chicken there is apples, apple cider, butter, and the eucalyptus, which he says is being used more for aroma than flavor. Wylie says that the eucalyptus isn't very strong. Ryan has tossed together lettuce, radishes, fingerling potatoes, extremely rare sirloin, and Dijon mustard. So it's a steak salad. Wow, complicated. Dale has combined mushrooms, shallots, radishes, butter, and an egg. Wylie enjoys the mushrooms. He would. Get a haircut, hippie! I kid. It's my latent tendency to view anyone who likes mushrooms with suspicion. Valerie has seared rib eye steak on top of some sweet potato puree and arugula, and it's topped with a tomato/peach marmalade. Sounds good. Wylie seems to enjoy it.
Spike explains his disappointment with the tenderloin tips he got, but he's combined them with apples, apple cider, rosemary, and bread. Wylie and Padma seem upset that they can't eat it as a sandwich. I'm confident in their fork-handling abilities. Erik has pan seared a lamb chop, with carrots and potatoes on the side, topped with mint and garlic. Mark has topped sirloin with peach cream, and it rests on mushrooms and turnip puree. Oh, I see how the butter substitutes for lettuce, now. Wylie likes the combination of peach and turnip, but what he really likes is Mark's hippie sideburns. Andrew has made petite lamb chops with peach chutney (damn, lots of peaches today -- they must have looked good at the market), onions, mint, potatoes, and balsamic vinegar. Take a moment to count those ingredients up. Yeah. Padma reminds him that vinegar was never part of the deal as far as freebie ingredients, so he's disqualified. He says in interview that he tends to be scatterbrained, and can only focus on so many things at a time. OK, could one of those things be a challenge rule that Padma explained twice? That'd be great. I'd love to watch Andrew try to change the radio station when he drives. He'd probably plow into a river.
Results. First in Wylie's bottom three is Spike, who should have been able to work around his unexpected beef. I didn't mean that as dirty as it sounded. Erik just presented a piece of meat, some carrots, and some potatoes, which wasn't composed or impressive. Richard's dish was oily. Richard is disappointed, because molecular gastronomists should always stick together or something. Now, to the good news. Ryan's dish was moist and juicy. So Erik is in the bottom three for an overly simplistic plate, while Ryan presents...a salad, and gets top marks. Pass the bowl, Wylie. Valerie pulled a lot of flavor out of her few ingredients (she's unstoppable!), and the bitterness of Mark's turnip played off the sweet peach nicely. Today's Quickfire winner is... Mark's sideburns! They, along with the rest of him, are happy to have immunity, and to be redeemed from last week's disappointing Elimination Challenge.
Commercials. I know I shouldn't be such an easy target, but this Shaft-esque Glad bag commercial makes me giggle every single time.
Elimination Challenge. The knife block is getting a good workout this season. Everyone draws a knife, starting with Manuel. Have we heard more than three words out of this guy? I'd forgotten he existed. He and Camille should start a club. The knife he draws has "Vulture" printed on it. The chefs are wary, hoping that nobody's going to have to cook and eat vulture. Dale pulls "Bear", and Antonia starts racking her brains to figure out bear-braising techniques. Ryan pulls "Lion". Andrew hopes for lion as well, because he... Can make a purring sound. Or something. Dear Andrew's doctor: Up the dosage. Love, World. He pulls "Penguin" from the knife block. Antonia pulls "Gorilla", which sets her mind at rest about having to cook these particular animals. The rest of the chefs pull knives, and everyone is sorted into teams:
Bear: Dale, Nikki, and Spike
Lion: Ryan, Erik, and Richard
Penguin: Andrew, Jennifer, and Lisa
Gorilla: Valerie, Stephanie, and Antonia
Vulture: Manuel, Mark, and Zoi
Valerie is thrilled to work with her BFF Stephanie. Nothing's gonna stop them now! Antonia knows Stephanie can cook, having tried her winning duck from last week's Elimination Challenge, but is iffy about Valerie. Padma explains that they won't be cooking the actual animals they drew, but they do figure into the challenge. The chefs will be catering a cocktail party at the local zoo, and the dishes they make must be centered around the main foods in the animal's diet. That's a neat idea. And if I were invited to this party, you wouldn't be able to pry me away from the Penguin table. Team Vulture is understandably less than thrilled. Zoi wonders if they'll have to cook decomposing carcasses and roadkill. That would make for an interesting party. Padma tells everyone they'll have three hours of Kitchen prep before heading for the zoo.
The chefs walk over to a counter, where there are lists of their animals' diets. Team Vulture is relieved to see that vultures eat quail, rabbit, small fish, lamb, and chicken. Team Gorilla's list includes leafy greens, root vegetables, fruit, eggs, corn, and grains. Antonia and Stephanie start tossing out ideas, but Valerie is more shy about contributing. They also talk about buying fish, because even though fifteen seconds ago, Padma said that the meals should be centered around their animal's diet -- their vegetarian animal's diet, mind you -- it'd be a swell idea to just go ahead and ignore that. Valerie interviews that she had some concerns about this, as well she might. We never hear her voice these concerns to the others, though, and she meekly goes along with their ideas. Team Lion naturally finds a lot of meat on their list, and Richard is already excited about using his gadgets. Team Penguin is obviously going to focus on fish.
Nikki suggests using honeycomb for Team Bear, which is a cool idea. She also explains that the Bear team is "Dale, Spike, and myself", so I should thank her for giving me an opportunity to make my seasonal plea to STOP ABUSING "MYSELF". Would Nikki say "Myself is going to the store now"? When she gets/got married, is she going to say "Myself do"? Not that I expect her to be an expert grammarian, but this and misplaced apostrophes drive me completely bonkers. Oh, and "comprised of"! Arrrgh! What's that? Oh, the show. Nikki says that she has to be tough in the kitchen, in order to prove herself in a male-dominated field. Even more so because she's on a team with Dale, who interviews that he's a control freak, and to give up that control is very unnerving for him. He doesn't particularly want to work in a team. Shocker. Next, you'll be telling me that the sun rose in the east today.
The next morning, the female chefs discuss which of the animals they'd like to be. They settle on bear, for the nice fur coat. Meanwhile, a wormhole in the apartment has made it evening in the game room, where Dale and Mark argue over which is scarier: vulture or bear. Mark gives the Standard Speech. Team Gorilla discusses ideas, and Stephanie interviews that she doesn't have a lot of catering experience. Yeah, I have to say... Cooking for individual guests and cooking for a room full of people to all eat the same thing at the same time are completely different animals. So, Stephanie is nervous, but confident that her team will do well. Valerie explains that Team Gorilla is going to do four hors d'oeuvres: lamb and edamame lettuce cups, banana bread, crab salad on a celery root chip, and black olive blinis with fennel and mascarpone. I can almost buy the crab, but I still can't believe they're going to throw lamb at the judges and think they've aced the vegetarian diet aspect of the challenge. Antonia is still skeptical of Valerie's skills.
The chefs head to Whole Foods to shop. They get $500 and half an hour. Everyone dashes around. A very sneaky editor plays Spike's interview that he's "molesting the produce section" over a clip of him picking up an extremely phallic squash. Hehehe. Lisa slips on some errant greens, and goes down right onto her kneecap. Lawsuit! Richard talks to the butcher, and interviews that Team Lion is going to be making bison tartare, a beet salad with goat cheese foam, chicken sate (that is, satay -- it's only spelled S-A-T-E if you're speaking Indonesian, so I'm giving the predictably-awful Titles Department their inaugural [sic] on that one, gray area be damned), and prime rib with horseradish foam. Those molecular gastronomists and their foams. Nikki makes Team Bear put some food back so she can afford table decorations. That's either a really good idea or a really bad idea, and I can't figure out which. Dale is unhappy about this. Ryan slam dunks a last-minute ingredient into Team Lion's cart just as shopping time runs out, then does a hilarious little happy dance.
Back in the Kitchen, the usual chaos ensues. Dale interviews that he has no idea what to think of his teammates, because you can't size up their potential until you see how they cook. Dale is one of those people who makes good points, but you try like hell to avoid agreeing with them, because they're so douchey about it. Nikki describes Team Bear's menu for us. It includes a venison loin with roasted squash, some seared salmon, blueberry-stuffed mushrooms, and cheese & honeycomb on bread. That's a very bear-like menu, so kudos on those ideas. Lisa tells us about Team Penguin's menu. Fish, fish, fish, and fish. Sorry, I mean Thai shrimp and crab salad, Spanish white anchovies with zucchini, squid ceviche, and a yuzu/mint flavored "glacier" jelly-mold made possible by Andrew's "thickening agent". Ew.
Richard plays with some of his gizmos, thoroughly confusing Erik, who's more of a "soul chef". And now "Soul Man" is stuck in my head. Thanks for nothing, Erik. Stephanie touts her banana bread as a necessary item in a gorilla-themed menu. I'm ready to make even more fun of her for the non-gorilla parts of the menu, but I love banana bread so much, I let it pass. Valerie worries what will happen when you make blinis ahead of time, rather than serving them right out of the pan. She thinks it'll work out all right. The vultures circling her head beg to differ. Ptom stops by to kick off the Ptimewasting segment. I'm not happy to see it. Nothing he says is of any importance, but we are let in on Team Vulture's menu. It's going to be braised chicken on a tostada chip, a Moroccan lamb meatball, and an anchovy on a quinoa croquette.
Spike pokes Andrew's glacier, wondering if its weirdness will be a benefit or a detriment. Meanwhile, Nikki's mushroom caps have turned black. They look disgusting, though we're told that they taste fine. Dale says that he doesn't want to serve something so visually gross, and Spike concurs in interview that they look like turds, which most people would agree belong nowhere near their mouths. Nikki suggests taking them to the zoo anyway, and topping them with something like chives to make them more appealing. Stephanie discovers that the chips she's made to top with the ill-advised crab salad are too soggy, and tosses them back in the fryer. Antonia interviews that they weren't cooked all the way through the first time, and Stephanie worries that they won't turn out, and that a small lapse in judgment could send her home. Eh, I'd rather go home for a careless error than a colossal one. Everyone wraps up their food for transport, and time runs out.
Commercials. OK, this low-fat chip commercial is kind of silly, but I'm a total sucker for cute little piggies.
Lincoln Park Zoo. Tonight's featured animals make an appearance. Well, all of them but the poor, neglected vulture. They're too busy circling Valerie's head to hang out at a zoo. The chefs walk into the main room, and Manuel gets a few precious seconds of screentime, telling us that they've got an hour to set everything up. I'm not sure if this extra hour was explained to them when Padma first introduced the challenge. As setup proceeds, Nikki wants to try making the blackened mushrooms look pretty, so Dale puts some extra cheese on top. He describes this as "putting perfume on a pig". That's "lipstick on a pig", dude. Learn your idioms before trying to use them to insult people. See what I mean about Dale? Everything he's said, from his reluctance to work in team challenges to not wanting to serve ugly mushrooms, has made total sense, but I still want to smack him upside the head with a halibut. Speaking of nonplussed team members, Antonia is not feeling Valerie's blinis. She interviews that she's happy to help execute them, but they're not something she'd eat or enjoy. Ouch. Valerie frets over them. Stephanie frets over her soggy-ass chips. Antonia suggests dumping them, and just mixing some greens and topping them with the crab for a quick salad.
The judges enter shortly before the guests. Padma, Ptom, and Wylie are there, of course, along with Gail Simmons. Yay, Gail! The party starts. People swarm around Team Penguin's station. Team Bear is hit with yet more mushroom woes. Dale interviews that a guest found them cold, so the team decides to just pull them altogether. Wylie enjoys Team Lion's beet salad with yuzu, ras al hanout, and goat cheese foam. Gail likes their bison tartare. Over at Team Vulture, Mark presents Gail and Padma with a marinated anchovy that makes me want to dive head first through the television to grab. Both judges love it, and also enjoy Zoi's Moroccan lamb meatball. Ptom and Wylie arrive at Team Gorilla's table. Ptom wonders what happened to the chips, and Antonia says they were too soggy to serve. The crab is no better received without the chips than with them. Stephanie frets some more. Valerie presents her blinis, and no matter how bad they taste, I have to give her some love for pronouncing "mascarpone" correctly. Antonia presents her minced lamb with edamame. Even if lamb shouldn't be on the menu, it does look very tasty.
Limecrete: "I loves me some edamame."
LabRat (with a heavy sigh): "You can't love to eat something after you spend all day dissecting it."
Poor biochemist. Padma shoves a handful in her mouth. She and Wylie agree that it was really good. Stephanie's banana bread is served with salted caramel sauce and a meringue, which sounds absolutely wonderful. Over at Team Bear's table, Nikki presents Padma with the Chimay cheese and honeycomb on cranberry-pecan bread. It goes over well, as does the soy-glazed salmon a la plancha (i.e., salmon that's been grilled on a metal plate) with pickled vegetables and peanuts. Padma again crams as much into her mouth as she can fit. Delicate!
Gail wonders what happened to the mushrooms on the menu, and Nikki makes the unwise decision to let the judges have some of the food deemed unfit for public consumption. That'll end well. On to Team Penguin! Wylie is intrigued by Andrew's glacier, while Ptom clearly couldn't care less about it. Andrew has also made a very tasty-looking squid ceviche. Lisa presents her Thai shrimp and crab salad.
A zoo employee interviews that Team Penguin was her favorite table. Another liked Team Gorilla, with the notable exception of Valerie's blinis, which "tasted a little bit like dirt". Ouch. Yet another guest liked the tables that stayed true to their animal's diet (read: everyone except Team Gorilla). The judges discuss their impressions. Team Bear's mushroom was forgettable, and the Pecorino cheese clashed with the other flavors. Team Lion's bison tartare was good, as were their beets. Team Penguin's squid ceviche was a winner, and Team Vulture's anchovy impressed everyone. Team Gorilla is the clear loser, with their cold blinis and watery crab salad. The judges leave, and the chefs pack up. Valerie frets. Dale frets. It's getting a bit old, this fretting.
Commercials. I can buy the bonding-over-corn-chips thing. Just not the bonding-over-corn-chips-with-no-beverages-in-sight thing.
Judges Table. I note that the predictably-awful Titles Department has just given up on putting in the apostrophe at all, so there goes the one thing they consistently did well. Figures. The chefs sweat it out in the Kitchen until Padma comes back to summon Teams Vulture and Penguin to the table. They look nervous, but break into wide smiles and hugs when told they're the top two. Zoi gives Manuel a kiss on the cheek. The judges start with Team Vulture. Mark's anchovy was the standout there, though Zoi's meatball is praised as well. Team Penguin's glacier was a nice touch, and Andrew's squid ceviche was refined. Andrew thanks them, and gets even more jittery than he usually is. Wylie announces the winner of the Elimination Challenge, which is Andrew. He bends over, as if he's about to puke. That's happy puke, though. He's thrilled to have impressed a chef he respects as much as Wylie. Padma asks him to send out the losers. Andrew's win is applauded back in the Kitchen, and he tells the rest of the chefs that the judges want to see Teams Gorilla and Bear. He can't resist putting an SNL "Da BEARS!" spin on it.
Odd Asian music. Gong. The losing teams walk into the judging room. Nikki has decided to put on a pair of Yoko Ono glasses that do not suit her at all. Ptom tells the chefs that they called these teams out because they had the three worst dishes. Namely, Team Bear's mushrooms and Team Gorilla's crab salad and blinis. So, Spike and Antonia should be pretty relieved right about now. Nikki describes the visual problem with the mushrooms, and Dale is quick to pipe in that he didn't want to serve them, because they looked like shit.
Entire viewing party: "Shut up!"
He makes a misstep when he admits to masking the mushrooms with the Pecorino that Ptom hated. Nobody on Team Bear tasted the mushrooms after the cheese was added. They never should have served them at all. It makes me feel dirty to agree with Dale, but it's true. They should have just said something like "The mushrooms didn't work out, so we decided not to serve them". They might still have gotten in trouble, but not for crappy food. Dale tries to disavow any responsibility for the mushrooms, but unconvincingly tells Nikki he's not trying to blame her. Nobody believes him. Spike, in particular, mutters something about Dale fixing the mushrooms himself. See, I buy that Dale wasn't happy about serving them, but not that they were served over his strong protests. He agreed to give them to the judges, and he was the one who put the cheese on. I actually agree (there's that dirty feeling again) that Nikki should shoulder the majority of the mushroom blame, but again, his good point is drowning in his snide attitude.
Now, Team Gorilla. Land sakes, how tall is Antonia? Either she's an Amazon, or Stephanie and Valerie are tiny. Stephanie clears up my confusion about whether the chefs were informed in advance of their hour of prep time at the zoo. They were, which makes her pre-mixing of the crab a big mistake. Valerie says she didn't realize her blinis would get so soggy, but that there simply wasn't time to make them to order. The texture wasn't the only problem, though. Ptom says that the rutabaga overpowered everything, and that the blinis weren't cooked all the way through. Gail didn't feel there was much of a connection between the blini and the topping. Antonia is just standing there keeping her mouth shut, when the judges pounce on her. If she were forced to choose one of her two losing teammates to hire (based on these poor dishes), which of them would it be? Eek! Antonia answers "Stephanie" without much hesitation. The chefs are dismissed.
Back in the Kitchen, Valerie complains in interview about Antonia backstabbing her, which she didn't. Deliberations. Valerie's blinis tasted bad and were executed poorly. Stephanie's crab was watery, but she redeemed herself with that excellent banana cake. Nikki's mushrooms got off to a bad start, and Dale made them worse. The fact that nobody on Team Bear bothered to taste their food before they served it (which they didn't really, just gave a bite or two to the judges) is a real sticking point. "It looked like something a bear would produce, not eat," Gail says. Oh, snap! The judges reach a decision.
Commercials. The winner of the most boring Project Runway season shows up on the boring America's Next Top Model ripoff. Maybe they were hoping the two borings would cancel each other out.
Elimination. The judges lay the blame for the mushrooms at Nikki's feet, which is fair. You should have just tossed them, Nikki. Stephanie's crab salad sucked. Valerie's blinis sucked. Ptom throws it over to Padma for the cut. Valerie. Please pack your knives and go. What? This is so shocking! Valerie makes her most Rachel Dratchian face to date. She interviews that you feel good when the judges like your food, and feel lousy when they don't. Scintillating. She's happy to have made new friends, and wishes she could have stuck around longer. At the very least, she's gracious about the fact that a bad decision sent her home, and doesn't spend her last televised minute whining that the judges suck for eliminating such a burning talent. Go back to the ranks of Too Nice and Normal to Succeed on Reality Television, Valerie. It's not such a bad club.
Overall Grade: B-
Previously on Top Chef: Sixteen chefs arrived in Chicago to prove that they're interesting enough to fight on TV. Oh, and they think they can cook, too. Jennifer and Zoi admitted they toss the tuna in places besides the kitchen. Stephanie's hands nervously shook out of control, but she needn't have worried, as her duck platter won the first Elimination Challenge. Mark's dish was unimpressive, but since Nimma's taste buds are all set to Bitter, she was unable to season anything properly, and got booted. Fifteen chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening menu. Um, we weren't at our best this week. Still fighting hangovers from St. Patrick's Day, the best anyone could rustle up was some cheese and crackers.
A lovely morning dawns on Chicago. Dale and Spike rouse themselves out of bed, while Stephanie and Valerie do some morning exercise. Last season's chefs were big on exercise, too. Were I in their place, I'd be getting as much sleep as I could. Stephanie is happy to have proved herself to the others by winning the first Elimination Challenge, but is realistic about winning more. That's refreshing. God knows, we've certainly had plenty of "I won one challenge, so I am going to DOMINATE this entire competition!" Valerie interviews that she and Stephanie worked together many years ago, so she's relieved that she's got a friend in the house. Oh, for fuck's sake. We're not even two minutes into the episode, and we already know how it's going to end. So Valerie and Stephanie are friends? Well, this couldn't possibly turn out the way it did when Dale and Saran told us they were friends. Or when Casey and Lia told us they were friends. Or when Casey said she and Tre had a brother/sister relationship. Or when Marisa and Josie told us they were friends. Or when... Well, you get the drift. I hate, hate, hate this editing tactic. I suppose it's supposed to offer some wry, ironic comment on the state of friendship in a competition, but it's been done so much, all it does is kill any suspense the episode may have had.
In the Kitchen, Spike is telling Mark that he was sad to see Nimma go. It must be because of all that mad phat socializing she did. Spike says he thought it was going to be Mark eliminated, and I can't tell how serious he is. Mark laughs it off, but was humbled by his low placement. He's ready to kick ass in today's Quickfire. Jennifer and Zoi decide to keep a little distance between them, lest they not appear like they're actually competing against each other. Everyone trudges out for the day.
Quickfire Challenge. The chefs meet Padma at a Farmer's Market, where she explains that they'll be creating an entree with ingredients found here. Ryan and Valerie are pleased, the latter because she frequents this market all the time. Wow, Valerie's in great shape! And she's got a friend in the house. I'll bet she's in this competition for the long haul! Padma says that the Quickfire does have a catch. The entire entree cannot be composed of more than five ingredients (although salt, pepper, sugar, and oil won't count towards the five). Anything else, whether bought at the market or taken from the Kitchen will count. They'll have $25 and 30 minutes to shop, and the winner will get immunity in the upcoming Elimination Challenge. Spike grins. He's got odd teeth. Padma lets them loose, and the chefs stampede for the market, almost trampling some kids. Heh.
Everyone tries to take stock before deciding what to buy. "Are these all the tomatoes you have?" Jennifer asks a vendor who's got about a hundred visible. How many are you planning on using, Jennifer? Spike isn't even bothering with that, taking some time out to enjoy a guitarist. He basically doesn't care if he does well in the Quickfire or not. Richard buys some eucalyptus. Mark has a lot of issues, from bumping people to not wanting to wait in line to messing with a vendor's stuff, which she doesn't appreciate. Dale disdains the people buying frozen meat. Mark buys some lettuce, then runs off without taking it. Dude, shop much? I understand the chefs are under a lot of pressure right now, but a Farmer's Market isn't the most complicated arena. He realizes soon after time is called that he doesn't have his lettuce, but he doesn't have time to look for it. Everyone returns to the Kitchen, where they meet Padma and this week's guest judge, Wylie Dufresne. He's a molecular gastronomist, so you know Richard is happy to see him. Padma reminds everyone that they're allowed to use salt, pepper, sugar, and oil without counting them towards the five ingredients. The chefs have thirty minutes to cook, and Padma starts the clock.
Chefs scatter in a mad panic. Dishes are grabbed. Vegetables are mauled. Richard comes off as a bit defensive when he says that molecular gastronomy is not "whiz-bang gadget-gizmo", but rather, using science to make food taste better. Whatever helps you sleep at night, sir. I'm all about food and all about science, but I don't think it's necessary to understand the scientific properties of cookies before you can make them taste good, you know? It'd certainly be interesting, just not necessary. Mark interviews that he's going to use butter in place of his missing lettuce. That's an odd substitution. "I'm out of pecans, so I'm just going to use pickle juice!" I don't know what he's making, so maybe it'll work out. It just sounded strange. Spike is unhappy with the meat he's purchased. Well, maybe you could concentrate a little more on examining your ingredients and less on grooving to the mellow sounds of wandering minstrels next time. Valerie interviews that it's hard to elbow one's way in to find burner space, which is at a premium. She manages. Everyone plates their food, and time runs out.
Padma and Wylie go down the line. Richard has braised chicken and called his entree "chicken soup", though there's nothing soupy about it. In addition to the chicken there is apples, apple cider, butter, and the eucalyptus, which he says is being used more for aroma than flavor. Wylie says that the eucalyptus isn't very strong. Ryan has tossed together lettuce, radishes, fingerling potatoes, extremely rare sirloin, and Dijon mustard. So it's a steak salad. Wow, complicated. Dale has combined mushrooms, shallots, radishes, butter, and an egg. Wylie enjoys the mushrooms. He would. Get a haircut, hippie! I kid. It's my latent tendency to view anyone who likes mushrooms with suspicion. Valerie has seared rib eye steak on top of some sweet potato puree and arugula, and it's topped with a tomato/peach marmalade. Sounds good. Wylie seems to enjoy it.
Spike explains his disappointment with the tenderloin tips he got, but he's combined them with apples, apple cider, rosemary, and bread. Wylie and Padma seem upset that they can't eat it as a sandwich. I'm confident in their fork-handling abilities. Erik has pan seared a lamb chop, with carrots and potatoes on the side, topped with mint and garlic. Mark has topped sirloin with peach cream, and it rests on mushrooms and turnip puree. Oh, I see how the butter substitutes for lettuce, now. Wylie likes the combination of peach and turnip, but what he really likes is Mark's hippie sideburns. Andrew has made petite lamb chops with peach chutney (damn, lots of peaches today -- they must have looked good at the market), onions, mint, potatoes, and balsamic vinegar. Take a moment to count those ingredients up. Yeah. Padma reminds him that vinegar was never part of the deal as far as freebie ingredients, so he's disqualified. He says in interview that he tends to be scatterbrained, and can only focus on so many things at a time. OK, could one of those things be a challenge rule that Padma explained twice? That'd be great. I'd love to watch Andrew try to change the radio station when he drives. He'd probably plow into a river.
Results. First in Wylie's bottom three is Spike, who should have been able to work around his unexpected beef. I didn't mean that as dirty as it sounded. Erik just presented a piece of meat, some carrots, and some potatoes, which wasn't composed or impressive. Richard's dish was oily. Richard is disappointed, because molecular gastronomists should always stick together or something. Now, to the good news. Ryan's dish was moist and juicy. So Erik is in the bottom three for an overly simplistic plate, while Ryan presents...a salad, and gets top marks. Pass the bowl, Wylie. Valerie pulled a lot of flavor out of her few ingredients (she's unstoppable!), and the bitterness of Mark's turnip played off the sweet peach nicely. Today's Quickfire winner is... Mark's sideburns! They, along with the rest of him, are happy to have immunity, and to be redeemed from last week's disappointing Elimination Challenge.
Commercials. I know I shouldn't be such an easy target, but this Shaft-esque Glad bag commercial makes me giggle every single time.
Elimination Challenge. The knife block is getting a good workout this season. Everyone draws a knife, starting with Manuel. Have we heard more than three words out of this guy? I'd forgotten he existed. He and Camille should start a club. The knife he draws has "Vulture" printed on it. The chefs are wary, hoping that nobody's going to have to cook and eat vulture. Dale pulls "Bear", and Antonia starts racking her brains to figure out bear-braising techniques. Ryan pulls "Lion". Andrew hopes for lion as well, because he... Can make a purring sound. Or something. Dear Andrew's doctor: Up the dosage. Love, World. He pulls "Penguin" from the knife block. Antonia pulls "Gorilla", which sets her mind at rest about having to cook these particular animals. The rest of the chefs pull knives, and everyone is sorted into teams:
Bear: Dale, Nikki, and Spike
Lion: Ryan, Erik, and Richard
Penguin: Andrew, Jennifer, and Lisa
Gorilla: Valerie, Stephanie, and Antonia
Vulture: Manuel, Mark, and Zoi
Valerie is thrilled to work with her BFF Stephanie. Nothing's gonna stop them now! Antonia knows Stephanie can cook, having tried her winning duck from last week's Elimination Challenge, but is iffy about Valerie. Padma explains that they won't be cooking the actual animals they drew, but they do figure into the challenge. The chefs will be catering a cocktail party at the local zoo, and the dishes they make must be centered around the main foods in the animal's diet. That's a neat idea. And if I were invited to this party, you wouldn't be able to pry me away from the Penguin table. Team Vulture is understandably less than thrilled. Zoi wonders if they'll have to cook decomposing carcasses and roadkill. That would make for an interesting party. Padma tells everyone they'll have three hours of Kitchen prep before heading for the zoo.
The chefs walk over to a counter, where there are lists of their animals' diets. Team Vulture is relieved to see that vultures eat quail, rabbit, small fish, lamb, and chicken. Team Gorilla's list includes leafy greens, root vegetables, fruit, eggs, corn, and grains. Antonia and Stephanie start tossing out ideas, but Valerie is more shy about contributing. They also talk about buying fish, because even though fifteen seconds ago, Padma said that the meals should be centered around their animal's diet -- their vegetarian animal's diet, mind you -- it'd be a swell idea to just go ahead and ignore that. Valerie interviews that she had some concerns about this, as well she might. We never hear her voice these concerns to the others, though, and she meekly goes along with their ideas. Team Lion naturally finds a lot of meat on their list, and Richard is already excited about using his gadgets. Team Penguin is obviously going to focus on fish.
Nikki suggests using honeycomb for Team Bear, which is a cool idea. She also explains that the Bear team is "Dale, Spike, and myself", so I should thank her for giving me an opportunity to make my seasonal plea to STOP ABUSING "MYSELF". Would Nikki say "Myself is going to the store now"? When she gets/got married, is she going to say "Myself do"? Not that I expect her to be an expert grammarian, but this and misplaced apostrophes drive me completely bonkers. Oh, and "comprised of"! Arrrgh! What's that? Oh, the show. Nikki says that she has to be tough in the kitchen, in order to prove herself in a male-dominated field. Even more so because she's on a team with Dale, who interviews that he's a control freak, and to give up that control is very unnerving for him. He doesn't particularly want to work in a team. Shocker. Next, you'll be telling me that the sun rose in the east today.
The next morning, the female chefs discuss which of the animals they'd like to be. They settle on bear, for the nice fur coat. Meanwhile, a wormhole in the apartment has made it evening in the game room, where Dale and Mark argue over which is scarier: vulture or bear. Mark gives the Standard Speech. Team Gorilla discusses ideas, and Stephanie interviews that she doesn't have a lot of catering experience. Yeah, I have to say... Cooking for individual guests and cooking for a room full of people to all eat the same thing at the same time are completely different animals. So, Stephanie is nervous, but confident that her team will do well. Valerie explains that Team Gorilla is going to do four hors d'oeuvres: lamb and edamame lettuce cups, banana bread, crab salad on a celery root chip, and black olive blinis with fennel and mascarpone. I can almost buy the crab, but I still can't believe they're going to throw lamb at the judges and think they've aced the vegetarian diet aspect of the challenge. Antonia is still skeptical of Valerie's skills.
The chefs head to Whole Foods to shop. They get $500 and half an hour. Everyone dashes around. A very sneaky editor plays Spike's interview that he's "molesting the produce section" over a clip of him picking up an extremely phallic squash. Hehehe. Lisa slips on some errant greens, and goes down right onto her kneecap. Lawsuit! Richard talks to the butcher, and interviews that Team Lion is going to be making bison tartare, a beet salad with goat cheese foam, chicken sate (that is, satay -- it's only spelled S-A-T-E if you're speaking Indonesian, so I'm giving the predictably-awful Titles Department their inaugural [sic] on that one, gray area be damned), and prime rib with horseradish foam. Those molecular gastronomists and their foams. Nikki makes Team Bear put some food back so she can afford table decorations. That's either a really good idea or a really bad idea, and I can't figure out which. Dale is unhappy about this. Ryan slam dunks a last-minute ingredient into Team Lion's cart just as shopping time runs out, then does a hilarious little happy dance.
Back in the Kitchen, the usual chaos ensues. Dale interviews that he has no idea what to think of his teammates, because you can't size up their potential until you see how they cook. Dale is one of those people who makes good points, but you try like hell to avoid agreeing with them, because they're so douchey about it. Nikki describes Team Bear's menu for us. It includes a venison loin with roasted squash, some seared salmon, blueberry-stuffed mushrooms, and cheese & honeycomb on bread. That's a very bear-like menu, so kudos on those ideas. Lisa tells us about Team Penguin's menu. Fish, fish, fish, and fish. Sorry, I mean Thai shrimp and crab salad, Spanish white anchovies with zucchini, squid ceviche, and a yuzu/mint flavored "glacier" jelly-mold made possible by Andrew's "thickening agent". Ew.
Richard plays with some of his gizmos, thoroughly confusing Erik, who's more of a "soul chef". And now "Soul Man" is stuck in my head. Thanks for nothing, Erik. Stephanie touts her banana bread as a necessary item in a gorilla-themed menu. I'm ready to make even more fun of her for the non-gorilla parts of the menu, but I love banana bread so much, I let it pass. Valerie worries what will happen when you make blinis ahead of time, rather than serving them right out of the pan. She thinks it'll work out all right. The vultures circling her head beg to differ. Ptom stops by to kick off the Ptimewasting segment. I'm not happy to see it. Nothing he says is of any importance, but we are let in on Team Vulture's menu. It's going to be braised chicken on a tostada chip, a Moroccan lamb meatball, and an anchovy on a quinoa croquette.
Spike pokes Andrew's glacier, wondering if its weirdness will be a benefit or a detriment. Meanwhile, Nikki's mushroom caps have turned black. They look disgusting, though we're told that they taste fine. Dale says that he doesn't want to serve something so visually gross, and Spike concurs in interview that they look like turds, which most people would agree belong nowhere near their mouths. Nikki suggests taking them to the zoo anyway, and topping them with something like chives to make them more appealing. Stephanie discovers that the chips she's made to top with the ill-advised crab salad are too soggy, and tosses them back in the fryer. Antonia interviews that they weren't cooked all the way through the first time, and Stephanie worries that they won't turn out, and that a small lapse in judgment could send her home. Eh, I'd rather go home for a careless error than a colossal one. Everyone wraps up their food for transport, and time runs out.
Commercials. OK, this low-fat chip commercial is kind of silly, but I'm a total sucker for cute little piggies.
Lincoln Park Zoo. Tonight's featured animals make an appearance. Well, all of them but the poor, neglected vulture. They're too busy circling Valerie's head to hang out at a zoo. The chefs walk into the main room, and Manuel gets a few precious seconds of screentime, telling us that they've got an hour to set everything up. I'm not sure if this extra hour was explained to them when Padma first introduced the challenge. As setup proceeds, Nikki wants to try making the blackened mushrooms look pretty, so Dale puts some extra cheese on top. He describes this as "putting perfume on a pig". That's "lipstick on a pig", dude. Learn your idioms before trying to use them to insult people. See what I mean about Dale? Everything he's said, from his reluctance to work in team challenges to not wanting to serve ugly mushrooms, has made total sense, but I still want to smack him upside the head with a halibut. Speaking of nonplussed team members, Antonia is not feeling Valerie's blinis. She interviews that she's happy to help execute them, but they're not something she'd eat or enjoy. Ouch. Valerie frets over them. Stephanie frets over her soggy-ass chips. Antonia suggests dumping them, and just mixing some greens and topping them with the crab for a quick salad.
The judges enter shortly before the guests. Padma, Ptom, and Wylie are there, of course, along with Gail Simmons. Yay, Gail! The party starts. People swarm around Team Penguin's station. Team Bear is hit with yet more mushroom woes. Dale interviews that a guest found them cold, so the team decides to just pull them altogether. Wylie enjoys Team Lion's beet salad with yuzu, ras al hanout, and goat cheese foam. Gail likes their bison tartare. Over at Team Vulture, Mark presents Gail and Padma with a marinated anchovy that makes me want to dive head first through the television to grab. Both judges love it, and also enjoy Zoi's Moroccan lamb meatball. Ptom and Wylie arrive at Team Gorilla's table. Ptom wonders what happened to the chips, and Antonia says they were too soggy to serve. The crab is no better received without the chips than with them. Stephanie frets some more. Valerie presents her blinis, and no matter how bad they taste, I have to give her some love for pronouncing "mascarpone" correctly. Antonia presents her minced lamb with edamame. Even if lamb shouldn't be on the menu, it does look very tasty.
Limecrete: "I loves me some edamame."
LabRat (with a heavy sigh): "You can't love to eat something after you spend all day dissecting it."
Poor biochemist. Padma shoves a handful in her mouth. She and Wylie agree that it was really good. Stephanie's banana bread is served with salted caramel sauce and a meringue, which sounds absolutely wonderful. Over at Team Bear's table, Nikki presents Padma with the Chimay cheese and honeycomb on cranberry-pecan bread. It goes over well, as does the soy-glazed salmon a la plancha (i.e., salmon that's been grilled on a metal plate) with pickled vegetables and peanuts. Padma again crams as much into her mouth as she can fit. Delicate!
Our glamorous hostess.
Gail wonders what happened to the mushrooms on the menu, and Nikki makes the unwise decision to let the judges have some of the food deemed unfit for public consumption. That'll end well. On to Team Penguin! Wylie is intrigued by Andrew's glacier, while Ptom clearly couldn't care less about it. Andrew has also made a very tasty-looking squid ceviche. Lisa presents her Thai shrimp and crab salad.
A zoo employee interviews that Team Penguin was her favorite table. Another liked Team Gorilla, with the notable exception of Valerie's blinis, which "tasted a little bit like dirt". Ouch. Yet another guest liked the tables that stayed true to their animal's diet (read: everyone except Team Gorilla). The judges discuss their impressions. Team Bear's mushroom was forgettable, and the Pecorino cheese clashed with the other flavors. Team Lion's bison tartare was good, as were their beets. Team Penguin's squid ceviche was a winner, and Team Vulture's anchovy impressed everyone. Team Gorilla is the clear loser, with their cold blinis and watery crab salad. The judges leave, and the chefs pack up. Valerie frets. Dale frets. It's getting a bit old, this fretting.
Commercials. I can buy the bonding-over-corn-chips thing. Just not the bonding-over-corn-chips-with-no-beverages-in-sight thing.
Judges Table. I note that the predictably-awful Titles Department has just given up on putting in the apostrophe at all, so there goes the one thing they consistently did well. Figures. The chefs sweat it out in the Kitchen until Padma comes back to summon Teams Vulture and Penguin to the table. They look nervous, but break into wide smiles and hugs when told they're the top two. Zoi gives Manuel a kiss on the cheek. The judges start with Team Vulture. Mark's anchovy was the standout there, though Zoi's meatball is praised as well. Team Penguin's glacier was a nice touch, and Andrew's squid ceviche was refined. Andrew thanks them, and gets even more jittery than he usually is. Wylie announces the winner of the Elimination Challenge, which is Andrew. He bends over, as if he's about to puke. That's happy puke, though. He's thrilled to have impressed a chef he respects as much as Wylie. Padma asks him to send out the losers. Andrew's win is applauded back in the Kitchen, and he tells the rest of the chefs that the judges want to see Teams Gorilla and Bear. He can't resist putting an SNL "Da BEARS!" spin on it.
Odd Asian music. Gong. The losing teams walk into the judging room. Nikki has decided to put on a pair of Yoko Ono glasses that do not suit her at all. Ptom tells the chefs that they called these teams out because they had the three worst dishes. Namely, Team Bear's mushrooms and Team Gorilla's crab salad and blinis. So, Spike and Antonia should be pretty relieved right about now. Nikki describes the visual problem with the mushrooms, and Dale is quick to pipe in that he didn't want to serve them, because they looked like shit.
Entire viewing party: "Shut up!"
He makes a misstep when he admits to masking the mushrooms with the Pecorino that Ptom hated. Nobody on Team Bear tasted the mushrooms after the cheese was added. They never should have served them at all. It makes me feel dirty to agree with Dale, but it's true. They should have just said something like "The mushrooms didn't work out, so we decided not to serve them". They might still have gotten in trouble, but not for crappy food. Dale tries to disavow any responsibility for the mushrooms, but unconvincingly tells Nikki he's not trying to blame her. Nobody believes him. Spike, in particular, mutters something about Dale fixing the mushrooms himself. See, I buy that Dale wasn't happy about serving them, but not that they were served over his strong protests. He agreed to give them to the judges, and he was the one who put the cheese on. I actually agree (there's that dirty feeling again) that Nikki should shoulder the majority of the mushroom blame, but again, his good point is drowning in his snide attitude.
Now, Team Gorilla. Land sakes, how tall is Antonia? Either she's an Amazon, or Stephanie and Valerie are tiny. Stephanie clears up my confusion about whether the chefs were informed in advance of their hour of prep time at the zoo. They were, which makes her pre-mixing of the crab a big mistake. Valerie says she didn't realize her blinis would get so soggy, but that there simply wasn't time to make them to order. The texture wasn't the only problem, though. Ptom says that the rutabaga overpowered everything, and that the blinis weren't cooked all the way through. Gail didn't feel there was much of a connection between the blini and the topping. Antonia is just standing there keeping her mouth shut, when the judges pounce on her. If she were forced to choose one of her two losing teammates to hire (based on these poor dishes), which of them would it be? Eek! Antonia answers "Stephanie" without much hesitation. The chefs are dismissed.
Back in the Kitchen, Valerie complains in interview about Antonia backstabbing her, which she didn't. Deliberations. Valerie's blinis tasted bad and were executed poorly. Stephanie's crab was watery, but she redeemed herself with that excellent banana cake. Nikki's mushrooms got off to a bad start, and Dale made them worse. The fact that nobody on Team Bear bothered to taste their food before they served it (which they didn't really, just gave a bite or two to the judges) is a real sticking point. "It looked like something a bear would produce, not eat," Gail says. Oh, snap! The judges reach a decision.
Commercials. The winner of the most boring Project Runway season shows up on the boring America's Next Top Model ripoff. Maybe they were hoping the two borings would cancel each other out.
Elimination. The judges lay the blame for the mushrooms at Nikki's feet, which is fair. You should have just tossed them, Nikki. Stephanie's crab salad sucked. Valerie's blinis sucked. Ptom throws it over to Padma for the cut. Valerie. Please pack your knives and go. What? This is so shocking! Valerie makes her most Rachel Dratchian face to date. She interviews that you feel good when the judges like your food, and feel lousy when they don't. Scintillating. She's happy to have made new friends, and wishes she could have stuck around longer. At the very least, she's gracious about the fact that a bad decision sent her home, and doesn't spend her last televised minute whining that the judges suck for eliminating such a burning talent. Go back to the ranks of Too Nice and Normal to Succeed on Reality Television, Valerie. It's not such a bad club.
Overall Grade: B-
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Top Model Takes It to the Streets
America's Next Top Model - Season 10, Episode 5
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Lauren sucked at runway, but knew how to take a good photo. The girls donned meat bikinis, after which the judges finally realized that Amis has about as much modeling potential as a banana slug, and she was sent on her way. Ten girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Fatima is shocked she was in the bottom two last week. She would be. She spends the rest of the episode figuring out which of the girls don't want to be a model as much as she, confusing dedication with talent. Dominique talks in the third person a lot, while Marvita frets over being too "hood" for the competition. She loves being here, but it's more for the free stuff than for any long-term career potential.
The girls head to a broken-down warehouse, where they're met by Benny Ninja and an "international supermodel" I've never heard of. Benny tries to impart the basic knowledge of commerical, couture, and catalog posing. The girls demonstrate, and everyone does a fairly good job, except for Marvita, who's starting to realize more and more that she doesn't fit in.
Back at the pad, Whitney interviews about the girls' sign-up sheet for phone times, which is entirely sensible. When Dominique misses her time, she tries her damndest to make it Whitney's fault, using every excuse from attitude to racism. Nice try, Dominique. Whitney shouts her down, and Lauren tells them both that their fight is totally stupid, further edging her up the ladder in my estimation. She's starting to give Claire a run for her money as my girl.
Challenge time! The girls meet Benny, Anonymous Supermodel, and some posers (no, real posers -- not poseurs) for posing battles. They're split into two groups, and jerk around in various poses before being told to strike a final commercial, couture, or catalog one. A lot of the girls have trouble with this basic English, including Fatima, whose best idea for a pose is to thrust her crotch into Whitney's face. When the dust settles, Claire wins herself another challenge, and though her team members get to take home some swag, she gets a trip to Bora Bora. Nice!
The photo shoot this week is to put some colored-plastic-wrap-a-la-'80s-movie on the girls' heads, and have vibrant paint dripped down their faces. Most of the girls do a fair to excellent job, but Marvita's shattered spirit, combined with last week's warning to stop making mean faces at the camera, dooms her to a poor shot. Stacy-Ann gets top marks at panel for finally showing her neck, and Fatima is taken to task for not bothering to shave her armpits. Narsty. Dominique is praised for showing a softer side (which is apt -- she'll never model for anything more high-fashion than Sears), and Lauren once again bags a great photo. In the end, it comes down to Whitney and Marvita, and to the surprise of nobody, Marvita's sad shot gets her booted. It was about the right time for her to go, although her overt glee at scoring free pants and such was quite endearing. Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: The girls all wear red clothing to show...pain? Either that or they're all getting jobs at Target. Everybody hates Dominique, which is heartening.
Overall Grade: C
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Lauren sucked at runway, but knew how to take a good photo. The girls donned meat bikinis, after which the judges finally realized that Amis has about as much modeling potential as a banana slug, and she was sent on her way. Ten girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Fatima is shocked she was in the bottom two last week. She would be. She spends the rest of the episode figuring out which of the girls don't want to be a model as much as she, confusing dedication with talent. Dominique talks in the third person a lot, while Marvita frets over being too "hood" for the competition. She loves being here, but it's more for the free stuff than for any long-term career potential.
The girls head to a broken-down warehouse, where they're met by Benny Ninja and an "international supermodel" I've never heard of. Benny tries to impart the basic knowledge of commerical, couture, and catalog posing. The girls demonstrate, and everyone does a fairly good job, except for Marvita, who's starting to realize more and more that she doesn't fit in.
Back at the pad, Whitney interviews about the girls' sign-up sheet for phone times, which is entirely sensible. When Dominique misses her time, she tries her damndest to make it Whitney's fault, using every excuse from attitude to racism. Nice try, Dominique. Whitney shouts her down, and Lauren tells them both that their fight is totally stupid, further edging her up the ladder in my estimation. She's starting to give Claire a run for her money as my girl.
Challenge time! The girls meet Benny, Anonymous Supermodel, and some posers (no, real posers -- not poseurs) for posing battles. They're split into two groups, and jerk around in various poses before being told to strike a final commercial, couture, or catalog one. A lot of the girls have trouble with this basic English, including Fatima, whose best idea for a pose is to thrust her crotch into Whitney's face. When the dust settles, Claire wins herself another challenge, and though her team members get to take home some swag, she gets a trip to Bora Bora. Nice!
The photo shoot this week is to put some colored-plastic-wrap-a-la-'80s-movie on the girls' heads, and have vibrant paint dripped down their faces. Most of the girls do a fair to excellent job, but Marvita's shattered spirit, combined with last week's warning to stop making mean faces at the camera, dooms her to a poor shot. Stacy-Ann gets top marks at panel for finally showing her neck, and Fatima is taken to task for not bothering to shave her armpits. Narsty. Dominique is praised for showing a softer side (which is apt -- she'll never model for anything more high-fashion than Sears), and Lauren once again bags a great photo. In the end, it comes down to Whitney and Marvita, and to the surprise of nobody, Marvita's sad shot gets her booted. It was about the right time for her to go, although her overt glee at scoring free pants and such was quite endearing. Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: The girls all wear red clothing to show...pain? Either that or they're all getting jobs at Target. Everybody hates Dominique, which is heartening.
Overall Grade: C
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Anything You Can Cook, I Can Cook Better
Top Chef - Season 4, Episode 1
Previously on Top Chef: Hung's superior culinary skills helped him claw his way to victory, despite his lack of humility and grace. Um...yay? Now, another sixteen chefs are about to descend upon Chicago to start the whole process anew. Padma is back as hostess, of course, along with judges Tom (Ptom) Collichio (boo!), Ted Allen (meh), and Gail Simmons (yay!). Prizes include a "Food & Wine" feature, with a showcase at the "Food & Wine" show in Aspen, a gourmet French Alps vacation, and $100,000. Fine incentives, all. Whose cuisine will reign supreme? Who will be the first to confuse "not here to make friends" with "be a raging dickhead for no discernible reason"? Let's find out!
Opening credits. Rather than spend the credits with the show's chefs, I always like to spend them with the viewing party participants and the yummies they concoct. Shout-outs to Timiffany, LabRat, Panny, Kender, and guest judges including Beebers, who will hopefully drop by when she's not jetting around the country for work. I wanted to make something impressive for the premiere, but was cooking all week for a book club I'm in, and showed up empty-handed. The night was saved by Panny's chicken tetrazzini and Timiffiany's banana rumcakes, though. I never thought I'd gleefully tear into a mushroom-rich dinner, but there it is.
Welcome to Chicago! Oh, I love Chicago. Even when I have to wander around in ass-over-tits cold weather. Contestants start arriving at the airport. Ryan Scott (a "chef consultant" from San Francisco, California) brags that his dad fired two people from the kitchen when eleven-year-old Ryan out-cooked them. How...sweet? Nimma Osman is a line cook from "Utlanta", Georgia. Her parents are over-protective, but her dad is pulling for her to win. Zoi Antonitsas is a chef (and yet another "consultant" -- I'd love to know what the qualifications are for that) from San Francisco, California. She says she'll bring a "softer side" to the competition. Hopeful translation: "I'm not Betty." Mark Simmons is a sous chef from New Zealand. He's got a cute accent and a cute mass of curly hair, so the shallow side of me hopes like hell he's a good enough cook to last for a while.
Contestants begin to arrive at Pizzeria Uno. The shot of pizza after pizza makes me glad I ate before settling down to write this. Richard Blais is another chef/consultant from Atlanta, Georgia. I enjoy his description of Chicago as a blend of awesome street food and avant-garde restaurant cuisine, but I have to say, I'm sick to death of the faux-hawk look. I suppose it's a more palatable hair fad than the mullet or rat-tail, but still. Enough already. He's also a fan of the "molecular gastronomy" thing, so fire up those Marcel comparisons. Jennifer Biesty is the chef of a three-star restaurant in San Francisco, and must have gotten a lot of grief in junior high over that name. And...yet another faux-hawk. Seriously, it's time for something else. How about Afro puffs? Those are cute. Erik Hopfinger is the executive chef at a restaurant in San Francisco, California. Judging by this show, you'd think restaurants only exist in San Francisco, New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, Atlanta, and Las Vegas. The rest of us just tackle passing cows and sink our teeth in. Erik promises to be "vocal about his opinions". Oh, one of those. Andrew D'Ambrosi is a sous chef from New York. According to Andrew, food is "fucking part of me. It's like molten fucking lava pouring out for you. There's nothing better than people tasting my passion." Ew.
Tiffany: "I don't want a part of you in my food, thanks."
Stephanie Izard is a chef/restauranteur from Chicago, Illinois. She's one of those friendly types everyone likes, and is thus likely doomed to be squashed under Ptom's "not having enough of a killer instinct" rule. As Richard and Jennifer silently bond over their hair, Zoi pipes up to make an announcement. It turns out she and Jennifer are actually a couple back in San Francisco, and didn't expect both of them to be accepted. The two of them just wanted to get it out in the open, in case someone found out later and thought it was devious on their part to keep it a secret. Probably wise. The other contestants don't know quite how to take the news. Spike Mendelsohn (a sous chef from Williamsburg, New York) has an initial "oh, that's bullshit!" reaction, but eventually comes to the conclusion that they can just get eliminated together. Heh. I'm not sure how to take the couple thing. For the most part, everyone will be doing their own work, so I guess it doesn't matter. It could make a difference in sharing ingredients or team challenges, though. We'll see.
Padma and Ptom arrive at the restaurant. Ptom gives a typically poor reading of meaningless reality-show patter. Put more awkward pauses in, and he'd be KatieBot. Padma says that it's time for the first Quickfire, which will have a Chicago twist to it. Everyone grabs a chef coat, and follows her to the new Kitchen, which seems a lot better stocked and organized than in seasons past. Padma tells us that the chefs were allowed to bring along $200 worth of ingredients that they cannot live without, as well as some equipment, which will be stored in their own personal lockers. Interesting. For the first Quickfire, the chefs must make their own signature deep dish pizza in ninety minutes. A huge wad of dough awaits nearby. Ready? And...go!
Chefs scatter. Andrew says he likes busting his ass and running around a lot. Stephanie has a case of the jitters, and cuts herself within thirty seconds. Hmm, I'll take my pizza without the blood clot, please. We meet a few more competitors. Dale Talde is a sous chef from New York City, New York. He starts throwing together some sausage, pickled kohlrabi, scallions, and Sriracha (hot sauce). Valerie Bolon is a personal chef and instructor from "Chicaaaaago", Illinois. She's one of those fine dining chefs who has no idea how to make food for the Great Unwashed Masses, so she's making a "meat and potatoes" pizza. Manuel Trevino is an executive chef from New York City, New York. He's classically French-trained, and is making a classically Italian pizza. Does anyone else get the sense we'll be seeing a lot of classic dishes out of Manuel? Nikki Cascone is a chef and "partner" from New York City, New York. She's going to try and stand out by not using tomato sauce. Rather, she'll prepare a "white pie" with mushrooms and truffle oil. She's never made a deep-dish pizza before, though, and admits she had no idea how much dough to put into the pan.
Mark has brought along Marmite as one of his personal ingredients, and is making it into a molasses for his pizza, alongside chicken and zucchini. Antonia Lofaso (executive chef from Los Angeles, California) tells the camera with a grin that she's Italian, and thus, will rock out on this pizza challenge. Antonia had better learn to watch that Fate-tempting if she's to survive here. Her pizza includes Burrata cheese, prosciutto, arugula, and heirloom tomatoes. Richard is going a bit experimental, making a peach and Taleggio cheese pizza, with a sweet tea sauce. That sounds fairly disgusting, despite the fact that I like everything in it. Spike tells us that everyone calls him that because his real name is Evangelos. He's working on a Greek-style pizza with onions, Feta, olives, and sausage. Ooh, I bet I'd like that. Lisa Fernandes (a sous chef from New York City, New York) likes to "touch people with food". Back off, lady. She likes working with Asian-influenced food, so she's making a BBQ duck pizza.
Some minor drama erupts when Andrew (for whom things were going "fucking peachy peachy keen") cannot find his deep-dish pan. It looks like he has no idea at the time who has it, but has learned in retrospect that Richard was using two. Eep. He runs around "like a moron looking for a fucking pan", and winds up having to use a "fucking cast iron skillet". This does not please him, as it makes him look like "a fucking hack". Using my highly-developed skill of people-reading, I'm starting to intuit that Andrew may like to curse a little. It's just a gut feeling. Pizzas start coming out of the oven. Dale tells us that a bunch of other people's pizzas look horrible, and that a lot of the chefs miscalculated how much the dough was going to rise. He's right, as we get several shots of pizzas that are 80% crust. Stephanie's pizza "fucking" falls apart, but she's confident it will taste good. That's heartening, because it looks like shit. Time runs out.
Commercials. A guy brags that his awesome wireless plan allows him to be one of those douchebags who have no idea how to politely use a phone in public. And we're supposed to be charmed by this?
Evening. The chefs stroll up to the "home of a guest judge". That's in quotes, because the guest judge turns out to be Rocco DiSpirito, who certainly does not live in Chicago. He asks them to go to the kitchen, then serve the pizzas to him and Padma one slice at a time. The chefs are all jazzed that he'll be eating their food. First to serve is Richard, with his peach and sweet tea pizza. Stephanie's pizza is goat cheese with basil and mint, prosciutto, olives, arugula, and a melon-tomato sauce. It does not sound or look very appetizing. Rocco detects a funky smell coming off of her food. Zoi's messy-ass pizza is made of broccoli, pesto, and lamb sausage. It looks like there are hunks of tomato in there as well. Dale's sausage pizza with hot sauce and kohlrabi looks good, presentation-wise. Ryan serves grilled escarole (endives), ricotta salata (ricotta that has been pressed, salted, and dried), and butternut squash. Padma deems it "very nice".
Nikki's "white pie" is the one that is all crust. It's made of Comte (cheese), ricotta (complete with pretentious pronunciation), Pecorino cheeses, and mushrooms. Andrew manages to serve his smoked marinara, prosciutto, onion, heirloom tomato, and cheese pizza without saying "fuck" once. His mother must be so proud. Jennifer's doesn't get much comment, but her "harvest pizza" is made with grapes, bacon, Fontina, and rosemary, which sounds intriguing. Erik's seems to be a more usual take on pizza, with mushrooms, onions, peppers, and sausage. Spike serves his Greek pizza. Nimma's "hunter-style" pizza has different types of mushrooms, along with some onions, Stracchino cheese, thyme, and rosemary. Rocco and Padma say that it's really lacking the salt it needs. Nimma nods sourly. Mark serves the Marmite-infused pizza.
That's all the ones we see, so we head straight to the kitchen for judging. Rocco congratulates the chefs on getting through such a tough challenge, even if all the results weren't up to par. Padma asks for the chefs named to stand at the far end of the kitchen: Lisa, Nimma, Valerie, Manuel, Andrew, Stephanie, Nikki, and Zoi. These eight chefs had the judges' least favorite pizzas. Nimma rolls her eyes. Stephanie's gamey prosciutto and Nikki's dry dough are specifically called out. Over in the Top Eight, Richard's peach pizza seemed gross, but turned out good, proving that "there are no rules in cooking". Well, except "Label your damned salt". Mark's Marmite was also surprisingly good. There isn't an individual winner, which also means no immunity. Padma says that the Quickfire results will have an effect in the Elimination Challenge, which the chefs won't hear about until tomorrow. In the meantime, she lets them know that the house is actually theirs for the season, though Andrew expresses it by saying she was all like "Yo. Casa, motherfuckers!" I'd love to hear Padma say that.
The house seems nice. Dale plays pool, while Mark whips something up to eat. Sure, it's not like there are sixteen pizzas lying around or anything. A lot of others sit outside with some drinks and socialize. Nimma's not having that, though. Upset over the Quickfire, she decides to just hit the sack. She wants to stay to herself, and "isn't here to have fun". Man, what a pill. We just sat through Victorya sucking a lemon through a whole season of Project Runway, and now we have her equally sour (if more melanin-enhanced) sister. Meanwhile, we find out that Dale's playing pool solo because he wants to remove himself from the "human" side of the competition. Translation: "Nobody likes me, so I'm going to pretend that being aloof is a strategy." There's always one. He says competitors have to have an "I'm better than all you motherfuckers" attitude at all times. That's bullshit, of course, but I wanted to record it so that I could say I think I've heard the word "fuck" more in this episode than in Pulp Fiction, and we're only through the Quickfire.
Morning. The chefs stream into the Kitchen, where they are met by Padma and the knife block. Padma can certainly look good, but I'm not sure what she's aiming for with this cowl neck, magenta, thigh-length dress. She looks like she's about to dip into the post-Shabbat sherbet punchbowl. Sorry, I'll try to keep the Jewish inside jokes to a minimum. She's standing by a blank chalkboard, and asks the Top Eight from the Quickfire to draw knives from the block. They draw. Padma then explains that the Top Eight must each select a member from the Bottom Eight that they'll cook against head-to-head for the Elimination Challenge. Not only that, but the member of the Bottom Eight they select gets to choose the dish they'll be preparing from a list on the other side of the chalkboard. Padma flips it over to reveal: lasagna, duck a la orange, crab cakes, chicken piccata, eggs Benedict, steak au poivre, shrimp scampi, and souffle. Erik frets, because he pulled the #8 knife, and knows he's going to wind up with the hated souffle. Yeah, I've heard they're hard to make well. The chefs are free to do a classic take on the dish or reinvent it entirely. Whoever has the best of the two dishes in each of the battles will be safe from elimination.
Richard picks Andrew, who picks crab cakes. Andrew thinks it's funny that the person who "fucked" him has now chosen him, which he knew the "motherfucker" was going to do, so "come on, motherfuckers -- let's battle". Andrew, Andrew, Andrew. You're just trying way too hard. Mark picks Stephanie, who picks duck a la orange. Jennifer picks Nikki, who picks lasagna. Antonia picks Nimma, who picks shrimp scampi. Spike chooses Lisa, who picks eggs Benedict. Dale picks Manuel, who chooses steak au poivre. Ryan chooses Valerie, who picks chicken piccata. Looks like Erik was right. He and Zoi are screwed into making souffle. I wonder why Jennifer didn't pick Zoi. I guess because no matter who wins the battle, one of them would be up for elimination. This way, they could both remain safe, as long as they cook well. That could be rough going for Zoi, as she's just as uncomfortable with the souffle as Erik is.
Commercials. Elizabeth Berkley hosts a dance competition. Showgirls is just that good a credential.
The chefs shop for ingredients at Whole Foods. Erik knocks some produce down and chases it across the floor. Dale wants to do a twist on steak au poivre, because the original is too heavy and rich. He "knows what the fuck" he's doing. Lisa's had a lot of experience cooking breakfasts recently, so she's confident that making eggs Benedict will be no sweat. Ryan -- you know the chef who was blowing adults out of the water when he was eleven with his culinary prowess? -- Yeah, he's not sure what chicken piccata really involves. Ooooooookay. A chef's not going to know every recipe in the book, of course, but chicken piccata? That's like an English Lit professor being like "Romeo and Who-liet?" Ryan's got a vague idea of what he needs to do, so he grabs some eggs, flour, pasta, bread crumbs, and tomatoes. BZZT! He mutters "fuck" to himself as he searches for his shopping list. Zoi wants to make a sweet souffle as opposed to a savory souffle. Andrew disdains Richard's choice of crab, and goes for a mixture of different types of crabmeat. Everyone checks out.
Back in the Kitchen, the chefs spring into action. It looks like they've got an hour and a half. Richard will be making not only the crab cake, but a smoked mayonnaise and a play on coleslaw that involves a cider reduction. His ideas intrigue me, and I wish to subscribe to his newsletter. Antonia is confident in her ability to make shrimp scampi, as she should, it being the easiest dish on the list. She's concentrating on making an amazing sauce. Nimma and her Olivia-Newton-John-purple-headband are going to make a cauliflower custard, and...she's already lost me. Ryan sets about making his own chicken stock, and then some gnocchi. Speaking of hand-made, Nikki is busy making her own pasta, which looks so good, I can't even tell you. Stephanie wants to use the entire duck in her presentation, and gets worried when she sees that Mark's will be a lot more intricate than hers. Goofy music accompanies the Oddball Adventures of Andrew, who "for some fucking strange reason", believed that mayonnaise would be available in the Kitchen. Not so. Richard has bought his own for the crab cakes, and Andrew goes about making his own with egg yolks and oil (the combination of which he didn't even know about until Richard told him -- such a master chef, that one). Richard offers Andrew his mayonnaise, and Andrew refuses it, saying it won't be necessary.
Erik and Zoi are still anxious about their souffles, and although they're in direct competition right now, they have a sweet bonding moment over the fact that all the souffles seem to be rising without incident in the oven. Nimma's cauliflower flan hasn't set properly, so she throws it on the oven and turns it into a scramble, instead. Richard whips out some of the equipment he's brought from home: a hand smoker. He smokes a spice blend and talks about wanting to incite comments with his cooking, "What the fuck did that guy just do?" among them. Time winds down. Stephanie is so nervous, her hand shakes wildly as she sauces her duck. I'm glad she's a cook and not a surgeon. The judges walk in, and time runs out.
Commercials. Clearly, the classiest way to serve wine is out of a refrigerated box. Clearly.
Four place settings have been laid on a table in the Kitchen, and the judges come in to decide the winner of each head-to-head battle. Padma, Ptom, and Rocco are all there, along with always-full-of-free-time-and-ready-to-lend-a-cranky-attitude Anthony Bourdain. To the battles! First up is Mark vs. Stephanie, with the duck a la orange. Mark's is a very deconstructed plate, with enoki mushrooms, squash, tangerine, and soy-glazed duck breast with a sake martini. No, I will not use the phrase "sakitini" like the show, nor the phrase "Sake it to me!", which LabRat now joyously yells over and over. You can thank me later. Stephanie's duck breast is served with mushrooms and bok choy, and she's used the rest of the duck in spring rolls with an orange-soy glaze. Oooh, that's a good idea. The judges aren't fans of Mark's deconstruction idea, and choose Stephanie's fully-composed plate as the winner. They shake hands on their way out. Next up is Andrew vs. Richard, with the crab cakes. Andrew's is composed of different types of crab meat, but looks fairly basic. He's jazzed it up with a cilantro-basil pudding and some orange sauce, and yammers on about making his own mayonnaise. Richard tells the judges that he wanted to keep things simple.
LabRat: "That's why you hand-smoked everything."
His crab cake incorporates blue crab, brussels sprouts, and an apple coleslaw with smoked ras el hanout. Those smoky flavors work in Richard's favor, while the panko Andrew has used makes the cake too bready. Richard wins, which puts Andrew in the losing category for two out of two challenges. Huh, I thought he was going to outcook all those other motherfuckers. He's welcome to start doing that any time now. Jennifer vs. Nikki, with the lasagna. Jennifer's is made with autumnal vegetables, a meat sauce, and a mint verde. The judges dig in, and discover that the rutabaga is raw. Nikki says that she had a lot to prove after the pizza Quickfire, so she made a more classic lasagna with sheep's milk Gouda and that hand-made pasta. The judges like both of them, but Jennifer loses a point for the rutabaga, and Nikki gains one for the pasta, so she wins. Antonia vs. Nimma, with the shrimp scampi. Antonia's is a parpadelle with shrimp, lobster, tomatoes, and squash. Man, there's a lot of squash being tossed around this episode. The judges make yummy noises, which is a good sign. Nimma's shrimp scampi is marinated in garlic, thyme, and lemon zest, and is served in a parsley butter sauce. The cauliflower scramble is on the side. Padma finds it way too salty; the exact opposite of the issue Nimma had in the Quickfire. Rocco goes one step further, saying that if he were served this in a restaurant, he'd have to send it back. Antonia easily bags the win. Nimma sucks a lemon.
Spike vs. Lisa, with the eggs Benedict. Spike's has poached egg with bacon, mushrooms, and a lemongrass sabayon on a crouton. Take out the mushroom, and it would be ideal. Lisa's eggs (Well, not her eggs. I assume they come from a chicken) are served on toasted challah, and are topped with lobster, spinach, hollandaise, and bacon. Mmmmm. Both dishes are deemed delicious. Lisa's poaching technique was slightly better and her food was stacked a little more neatly (no, really), so she wins by a hair. Dale vs. Manuel, with the steak au poivre. Dale's meat is extremely rare. He's done a traditional New York strip steak with candied peppercorns. There's also a parsley puree and some bok choy. This is what he calls a twist? Manuel has really given it a twist, Mexican-style. He serves the sirloin in a mushroom ceviche, and a scallion-cilantro sauce. Manuel is told his is a bit greasy and that he went overboard with the sauce, so Dale is given the win.
Ryan vs. Valerie, with the chicken piccata. Ryan serves chicken cutlets with lemon-potato gnocchi, and a warm herb salad. Valerie's is more traditional. She's substituted orange for lemon, but the rest is all there. She serves it with some potato and a haricot vert salad. The judges have problems with both, in that neither one was a true piccata. So much for Padma's assurance that "you may reinvent the dish entirely". When will they stop springing this asinine trap on the contestants? Ryan had no business using bread crumbs, and neither of them provided an acidic butter sauce. Since Valerie provided a better-tasting dish, she's picked as the winner, though the judges aren't wild about it. Ryan rightly worries that everyone at home is going to think he's a giant flop for not knowing his way around a classic dish. Erik vs. Zoi, with the souffle. Erik's is made with pepper jack cheese and is topped with pico de gallo salsa. There is avocado creme fraiche on the side, as well as a black bean puree that literally looks like poo. Zoi has made a rice pudding souffle. There are candied figs and fennel on the side, and a cup of espresso. Neither souffle is applauded as a souffle, though both tasted fine. Zoi's was a better plate of food overall, and she's awarded the win.
The new Bottom Eight fret. Nimma wishes she could cook the food all over again. I have no doubt that's true, as Nimma is one of the few cooks who have been in the bottom for both challenges (Andrew and Manuel being the others).
Commercials. Why won't Ryan Phillippe go away?
Ryan soothes himself with the fact that ninety minutes is not a lot of cooking time. Well, that's true, but his loss has nothing to do with a time crunch. At any rate, Padma comes back to the Kitchen and summons Antonia, Nikki, Richard, and Stephanie to Judges' Table. Dale says "fuck" and rolls his eyes. Oh, shut up. Once out at the table, Padma tells the chefs that they are the top four this week. Antonia showed great technical skill and "an ability to restrain [herself]", whatever that means. Stephanie's duck had great flavor, composition, color, and texture. Nikki's lasagna was light and tasty. Richard's crab cake was excellent and forward-thinking. Ptom is more overtly pleased than he usually is. He actually throws out some compliments that sound genuine. Rocco gets to announce the winner of the challenge, which is Stephanie. "How fucking cool is that?" she asks us. Pretty fucking cool, Stephanie. Now go set up a swear jar back at the house. You guys will be able to buy a Jaguar within two weeks. She wins only the pleasure of sending out the bottom four.
Stephanie's win is applauded back in the Kitchen, and she tells everyone that the judges want to see Ryan, Erik, Nimma, and Mark. The bottom four enter Judges' Table, accompanied by the ever-mysterious Odd Asian Music and its attendant gong. Padma informs them that they had the least favorite dishes, which I think they've probably figured out by now. Erik's souffle had mashed potatoes as a base, which certainly didn't lend any lightness to the dish. The tortillas piled on top weighed it down even further. Anthony tells him that he was clearly working outside of his comfort zone, which sounds to me like he doesn't want to throw too much blame on him. Erik isn't proud of making "glorified nachos". Nimma is asked if her shrimp scampi was good. Her answer? "I think the cauliflower scramble was great." Oh, Nimma. I'm afraid you get the first one of the season. That's a terrible answer, and Ptom gives her a dirty look. He calls her on the fact that it was originally supposed to be a flan, and the fact that it didn't work out as such seems to count against her. Her other problem was the poorly-seasoned shrimp, which is "Shrimp 101", according to Anthony.
Mark wanted to make a deconstructed dish, and Anthony says that it came off as silly and pretentious. How's he's able to say that without instantly being struck by lightning is a puzzler. Not that he's incorrect, but if there's one person who doesn't get to call someone else silly and pretentious, it's the guy who uses his food expertise to spend half of his time on-call to say nasty things to reality show wannabes and the other half ridiculing celebrity chefs. Anyway, Mark would have done better to make a fully-composed dish. Ptom says that the duck was overcooked, and Rocco takes issue with the fact that Mark cut out a lot of the duck fat, which is why people eat duck to begin with.
Tim: "Eat it, Kiwi!"
Ryan says he didn't want to drown his chicken in starch. Which is why he threw a bunch of bread crumbs in? You're losing me, Ryan. Padma says something along the same lines, mentioning that making gnocchi is not the best way to cut down on starch. Ptom's biggest problem is that his chicken piccata wasn't a piccata, and that the breadcrumb layer was way too thick. Ryan says he didn't want to make the dish that classic (read: "I don't know how to make piccata, so I'm going to pretend I didn't want to"). That's the defense I'd employ in his situation as well, but Ptom points out that you can't put a new spin on a classic dish until you understand what you're spinning off of.
The chefs are dismissed. Deliberations. Ryan doesn't know the basics, and Anthony couldn't understand his ramblings at Judges' Table. Nimma's salty shrimp was way over the line, and her cauliflower scramble was like baby food. Back in the Kitchen, Nimma tells Lisa that she needs to learn how to zone out of her nervous state, and fast. Oh, I wouldn't worry about it now, Nimma. The judges found Erik's souffle pretty terrible, even allowing for inexperience. Mark's dish was weak and overcooked. Anthony didn't like the sake martini. The judges make a decision.
Commercials. Well, there's a note reading "[LabRat] is great!!!!!" written here. I must have jotted that down. Even though it's not in my handwriting.
Elimination. Ptom allows for some early show jitters, but rightly says that the chefs are going to have to get past that. Ryan has to know the classics if he wants to cook modern food. Mark's dish had too many competing elements. Nimma's dish should have been simple, and neither component worked out. Her shrimp was so salty, it was inedible. Erik should know how to make a souffle. Who will be forever burdened with the shame of First Person Out? Nimma. Please pack your knives and go. Well, no surprise there. She thanks the judges for the opportunity. In her final interview, she says it's unfortunate that nobody will ever know how good a cook she is. The other chefs hug her and applaud. She closes by saying that cooking is a God-given talent of hers. You'd think He could have refined it before handing it down. Nimma's going to go on cooking and go on learning. And she'll have plenty of lemons and sour grapes stocked at all times.
This season on Top Chef: Limecrete skips this show's previews, because they give away far too much.
Overall Grade: B
Previously on Top Chef: Hung's superior culinary skills helped him claw his way to victory, despite his lack of humility and grace. Um...yay? Now, another sixteen chefs are about to descend upon Chicago to start the whole process anew. Padma is back as hostess, of course, along with judges Tom (Ptom) Collichio (boo!), Ted Allen (meh), and Gail Simmons (yay!). Prizes include a "Food & Wine" feature, with a showcase at the "Food & Wine" show in Aspen, a gourmet French Alps vacation, and $100,000. Fine incentives, all. Whose cuisine will reign supreme? Who will be the first to confuse "not here to make friends" with "be a raging dickhead for no discernible reason"? Let's find out!
Opening credits. Rather than spend the credits with the show's chefs, I always like to spend them with the viewing party participants and the yummies they concoct. Shout-outs to Timiffany, LabRat, Panny, Kender, and guest judges including Beebers, who will hopefully drop by when she's not jetting around the country for work. I wanted to make something impressive for the premiere, but was cooking all week for a book club I'm in, and showed up empty-handed. The night was saved by Panny's chicken tetrazzini and Timiffiany's banana rumcakes, though. I never thought I'd gleefully tear into a mushroom-rich dinner, but there it is.
Welcome to Chicago! Oh, I love Chicago. Even when I have to wander around in ass-over-tits cold weather. Contestants start arriving at the airport. Ryan Scott (a "chef consultant" from San Francisco, California) brags that his dad fired two people from the kitchen when eleven-year-old Ryan out-cooked them. How...sweet? Nimma Osman is a line cook from "Utlanta", Georgia. Her parents are over-protective, but her dad is pulling for her to win. Zoi Antonitsas is a chef (and yet another "consultant" -- I'd love to know what the qualifications are for that) from San Francisco, California. She says she'll bring a "softer side" to the competition. Hopeful translation: "I'm not Betty." Mark Simmons is a sous chef from New Zealand. He's got a cute accent and a cute mass of curly hair, so the shallow side of me hopes like hell he's a good enough cook to last for a while.
Contestants begin to arrive at Pizzeria Uno. The shot of pizza after pizza makes me glad I ate before settling down to write this. Richard Blais is another chef/consultant from Atlanta, Georgia. I enjoy his description of Chicago as a blend of awesome street food and avant-garde restaurant cuisine, but I have to say, I'm sick to death of the faux-hawk look. I suppose it's a more palatable hair fad than the mullet or rat-tail, but still. Enough already. He's also a fan of the "molecular gastronomy" thing, so fire up those Marcel comparisons. Jennifer Biesty is the chef of a three-star restaurant in San Francisco, and must have gotten a lot of grief in junior high over that name. And...yet another faux-hawk. Seriously, it's time for something else. How about Afro puffs? Those are cute. Erik Hopfinger is the executive chef at a restaurant in San Francisco, California. Judging by this show, you'd think restaurants only exist in San Francisco, New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, Atlanta, and Las Vegas. The rest of us just tackle passing cows and sink our teeth in. Erik promises to be "vocal about his opinions". Oh, one of those. Andrew D'Ambrosi is a sous chef from New York. According to Andrew, food is "fucking part of me. It's like molten fucking lava pouring out for you. There's nothing better than people tasting my passion." Ew.
Tiffany: "I don't want a part of you in my food, thanks."
Stephanie Izard is a chef/restauranteur from Chicago, Illinois. She's one of those friendly types everyone likes, and is thus likely doomed to be squashed under Ptom's "not having enough of a killer instinct" rule. As Richard and Jennifer silently bond over their hair, Zoi pipes up to make an announcement. It turns out she and Jennifer are actually a couple back in San Francisco, and didn't expect both of them to be accepted. The two of them just wanted to get it out in the open, in case someone found out later and thought it was devious on their part to keep it a secret. Probably wise. The other contestants don't know quite how to take the news. Spike Mendelsohn (a sous chef from Williamsburg, New York) has an initial "oh, that's bullshit!" reaction, but eventually comes to the conclusion that they can just get eliminated together. Heh. I'm not sure how to take the couple thing. For the most part, everyone will be doing their own work, so I guess it doesn't matter. It could make a difference in sharing ingredients or team challenges, though. We'll see.
Padma and Ptom arrive at the restaurant. Ptom gives a typically poor reading of meaningless reality-show patter. Put more awkward pauses in, and he'd be KatieBot. Padma says that it's time for the first Quickfire, which will have a Chicago twist to it. Everyone grabs a chef coat, and follows her to the new Kitchen, which seems a lot better stocked and organized than in seasons past. Padma tells us that the chefs were allowed to bring along $200 worth of ingredients that they cannot live without, as well as some equipment, which will be stored in their own personal lockers. Interesting. For the first Quickfire, the chefs must make their own signature deep dish pizza in ninety minutes. A huge wad of dough awaits nearby. Ready? And...go!
Chefs scatter. Andrew says he likes busting his ass and running around a lot. Stephanie has a case of the jitters, and cuts herself within thirty seconds. Hmm, I'll take my pizza without the blood clot, please. We meet a few more competitors. Dale Talde is a sous chef from New York City, New York. He starts throwing together some sausage, pickled kohlrabi, scallions, and Sriracha (hot sauce). Valerie Bolon is a personal chef and instructor from "Chicaaaaago", Illinois. She's one of those fine dining chefs who has no idea how to make food for the Great Unwashed Masses, so she's making a "meat and potatoes" pizza. Manuel Trevino is an executive chef from New York City, New York. He's classically French-trained, and is making a classically Italian pizza. Does anyone else get the sense we'll be seeing a lot of classic dishes out of Manuel? Nikki Cascone is a chef and "partner" from New York City, New York. She's going to try and stand out by not using tomato sauce. Rather, she'll prepare a "white pie" with mushrooms and truffle oil. She's never made a deep-dish pizza before, though, and admits she had no idea how much dough to put into the pan.
Mark has brought along Marmite as one of his personal ingredients, and is making it into a molasses for his pizza, alongside chicken and zucchini. Antonia Lofaso (executive chef from Los Angeles, California) tells the camera with a grin that she's Italian, and thus, will rock out on this pizza challenge. Antonia had better learn to watch that Fate-tempting if she's to survive here. Her pizza includes Burrata cheese, prosciutto, arugula, and heirloom tomatoes. Richard is going a bit experimental, making a peach and Taleggio cheese pizza, with a sweet tea sauce. That sounds fairly disgusting, despite the fact that I like everything in it. Spike tells us that everyone calls him that because his real name is Evangelos. He's working on a Greek-style pizza with onions, Feta, olives, and sausage. Ooh, I bet I'd like that. Lisa Fernandes (a sous chef from New York City, New York) likes to "touch people with food". Back off, lady. She likes working with Asian-influenced food, so she's making a BBQ duck pizza.
Some minor drama erupts when Andrew (for whom things were going "fucking peachy peachy keen") cannot find his deep-dish pan. It looks like he has no idea at the time who has it, but has learned in retrospect that Richard was using two. Eep. He runs around "like a moron looking for a fucking pan", and winds up having to use a "fucking cast iron skillet". This does not please him, as it makes him look like "a fucking hack". Using my highly-developed skill of people-reading, I'm starting to intuit that Andrew may like to curse a little. It's just a gut feeling. Pizzas start coming out of the oven. Dale tells us that a bunch of other people's pizzas look horrible, and that a lot of the chefs miscalculated how much the dough was going to rise. He's right, as we get several shots of pizzas that are 80% crust. Stephanie's pizza "fucking" falls apart, but she's confident it will taste good. That's heartening, because it looks like shit. Time runs out.
Commercials. A guy brags that his awesome wireless plan allows him to be one of those douchebags who have no idea how to politely use a phone in public. And we're supposed to be charmed by this?
Evening. The chefs stroll up to the "home of a guest judge". That's in quotes, because the guest judge turns out to be Rocco DiSpirito, who certainly does not live in Chicago. He asks them to go to the kitchen, then serve the pizzas to him and Padma one slice at a time. The chefs are all jazzed that he'll be eating their food. First to serve is Richard, with his peach and sweet tea pizza. Stephanie's pizza is goat cheese with basil and mint, prosciutto, olives, arugula, and a melon-tomato sauce. It does not sound or look very appetizing. Rocco detects a funky smell coming off of her food. Zoi's messy-ass pizza is made of broccoli, pesto, and lamb sausage. It looks like there are hunks of tomato in there as well. Dale's sausage pizza with hot sauce and kohlrabi looks good, presentation-wise. Ryan serves grilled escarole (endives), ricotta salata (ricotta that has been pressed, salted, and dried), and butternut squash. Padma deems it "very nice".
Nikki's "white pie" is the one that is all crust. It's made of Comte (cheese), ricotta (complete with pretentious pronunciation), Pecorino cheeses, and mushrooms. Andrew manages to serve his smoked marinara, prosciutto, onion, heirloom tomato, and cheese pizza without saying "fuck" once. His mother must be so proud. Jennifer's doesn't get much comment, but her "harvest pizza" is made with grapes, bacon, Fontina, and rosemary, which sounds intriguing. Erik's seems to be a more usual take on pizza, with mushrooms, onions, peppers, and sausage. Spike serves his Greek pizza. Nimma's "hunter-style" pizza has different types of mushrooms, along with some onions, Stracchino cheese, thyme, and rosemary. Rocco and Padma say that it's really lacking the salt it needs. Nimma nods sourly. Mark serves the Marmite-infused pizza.
That's all the ones we see, so we head straight to the kitchen for judging. Rocco congratulates the chefs on getting through such a tough challenge, even if all the results weren't up to par. Padma asks for the chefs named to stand at the far end of the kitchen: Lisa, Nimma, Valerie, Manuel, Andrew, Stephanie, Nikki, and Zoi. These eight chefs had the judges' least favorite pizzas. Nimma rolls her eyes. Stephanie's gamey prosciutto and Nikki's dry dough are specifically called out. Over in the Top Eight, Richard's peach pizza seemed gross, but turned out good, proving that "there are no rules in cooking". Well, except "Label your damned salt". Mark's Marmite was also surprisingly good. There isn't an individual winner, which also means no immunity. Padma says that the Quickfire results will have an effect in the Elimination Challenge, which the chefs won't hear about until tomorrow. In the meantime, she lets them know that the house is actually theirs for the season, though Andrew expresses it by saying she was all like "Yo. Casa, motherfuckers!" I'd love to hear Padma say that.
The house seems nice. Dale plays pool, while Mark whips something up to eat. Sure, it's not like there are sixteen pizzas lying around or anything. A lot of others sit outside with some drinks and socialize. Nimma's not having that, though. Upset over the Quickfire, she decides to just hit the sack. She wants to stay to herself, and "isn't here to have fun". Man, what a pill. We just sat through Victorya sucking a lemon through a whole season of Project Runway, and now we have her equally sour (if more melanin-enhanced) sister. Meanwhile, we find out that Dale's playing pool solo because he wants to remove himself from the "human" side of the competition. Translation: "Nobody likes me, so I'm going to pretend that being aloof is a strategy." There's always one. He says competitors have to have an "I'm better than all you motherfuckers" attitude at all times. That's bullshit, of course, but I wanted to record it so that I could say I think I've heard the word "fuck" more in this episode than in Pulp Fiction, and we're only through the Quickfire.
Morning. The chefs stream into the Kitchen, where they are met by Padma and the knife block. Padma can certainly look good, but I'm not sure what she's aiming for with this cowl neck, magenta, thigh-length dress. She looks like she's about to dip into the post-Shabbat sherbet punchbowl. Sorry, I'll try to keep the Jewish inside jokes to a minimum. She's standing by a blank chalkboard, and asks the Top Eight from the Quickfire to draw knives from the block. They draw. Padma then explains that the Top Eight must each select a member from the Bottom Eight that they'll cook against head-to-head for the Elimination Challenge. Not only that, but the member of the Bottom Eight they select gets to choose the dish they'll be preparing from a list on the other side of the chalkboard. Padma flips it over to reveal: lasagna, duck a la orange, crab cakes, chicken piccata, eggs Benedict, steak au poivre, shrimp scampi, and souffle. Erik frets, because he pulled the #8 knife, and knows he's going to wind up with the hated souffle. Yeah, I've heard they're hard to make well. The chefs are free to do a classic take on the dish or reinvent it entirely. Whoever has the best of the two dishes in each of the battles will be safe from elimination.
Richard picks Andrew, who picks crab cakes. Andrew thinks it's funny that the person who "fucked" him has now chosen him, which he knew the "motherfucker" was going to do, so "come on, motherfuckers -- let's battle". Andrew, Andrew, Andrew. You're just trying way too hard. Mark picks Stephanie, who picks duck a la orange. Jennifer picks Nikki, who picks lasagna. Antonia picks Nimma, who picks shrimp scampi. Spike chooses Lisa, who picks eggs Benedict. Dale picks Manuel, who chooses steak au poivre. Ryan chooses Valerie, who picks chicken piccata. Looks like Erik was right. He and Zoi are screwed into making souffle. I wonder why Jennifer didn't pick Zoi. I guess because no matter who wins the battle, one of them would be up for elimination. This way, they could both remain safe, as long as they cook well. That could be rough going for Zoi, as she's just as uncomfortable with the souffle as Erik is.
Commercials. Elizabeth Berkley hosts a dance competition. Showgirls is just that good a credential.
The chefs shop for ingredients at Whole Foods. Erik knocks some produce down and chases it across the floor. Dale wants to do a twist on steak au poivre, because the original is too heavy and rich. He "knows what the fuck" he's doing. Lisa's had a lot of experience cooking breakfasts recently, so she's confident that making eggs Benedict will be no sweat. Ryan -- you know the chef who was blowing adults out of the water when he was eleven with his culinary prowess? -- Yeah, he's not sure what chicken piccata really involves. Ooooooookay. A chef's not going to know every recipe in the book, of course, but chicken piccata? That's like an English Lit professor being like "Romeo and Who-liet?" Ryan's got a vague idea of what he needs to do, so he grabs some eggs, flour, pasta, bread crumbs, and tomatoes. BZZT! He mutters "fuck" to himself as he searches for his shopping list. Zoi wants to make a sweet souffle as opposed to a savory souffle. Andrew disdains Richard's choice of crab, and goes for a mixture of different types of crabmeat. Everyone checks out.
Back in the Kitchen, the chefs spring into action. It looks like they've got an hour and a half. Richard will be making not only the crab cake, but a smoked mayonnaise and a play on coleslaw that involves a cider reduction. His ideas intrigue me, and I wish to subscribe to his newsletter. Antonia is confident in her ability to make shrimp scampi, as she should, it being the easiest dish on the list. She's concentrating on making an amazing sauce. Nimma and her Olivia-Newton-John-purple-headband are going to make a cauliflower custard, and...she's already lost me. Ryan sets about making his own chicken stock, and then some gnocchi. Speaking of hand-made, Nikki is busy making her own pasta, which looks so good, I can't even tell you. Stephanie wants to use the entire duck in her presentation, and gets worried when she sees that Mark's will be a lot more intricate than hers. Goofy music accompanies the Oddball Adventures of Andrew, who "for some fucking strange reason", believed that mayonnaise would be available in the Kitchen. Not so. Richard has bought his own for the crab cakes, and Andrew goes about making his own with egg yolks and oil (the combination of which he didn't even know about until Richard told him -- such a master chef, that one). Richard offers Andrew his mayonnaise, and Andrew refuses it, saying it won't be necessary.
Erik and Zoi are still anxious about their souffles, and although they're in direct competition right now, they have a sweet bonding moment over the fact that all the souffles seem to be rising without incident in the oven. Nimma's cauliflower flan hasn't set properly, so she throws it on the oven and turns it into a scramble, instead. Richard whips out some of the equipment he's brought from home: a hand smoker. He smokes a spice blend and talks about wanting to incite comments with his cooking, "What the fuck did that guy just do?" among them. Time winds down. Stephanie is so nervous, her hand shakes wildly as she sauces her duck. I'm glad she's a cook and not a surgeon. The judges walk in, and time runs out.
Commercials. Clearly, the classiest way to serve wine is out of a refrigerated box. Clearly.
Four place settings have been laid on a table in the Kitchen, and the judges come in to decide the winner of each head-to-head battle. Padma, Ptom, and Rocco are all there, along with always-full-of-free-time-and-ready-to-lend-a-cranky-attitude Anthony Bourdain. To the battles! First up is Mark vs. Stephanie, with the duck a la orange. Mark's is a very deconstructed plate, with enoki mushrooms, squash, tangerine, and soy-glazed duck breast with a sake martini. No, I will not use the phrase "sakitini" like the show, nor the phrase "Sake it to me!", which LabRat now joyously yells over and over. You can thank me later. Stephanie's duck breast is served with mushrooms and bok choy, and she's used the rest of the duck in spring rolls with an orange-soy glaze. Oooh, that's a good idea. The judges aren't fans of Mark's deconstruction idea, and choose Stephanie's fully-composed plate as the winner. They shake hands on their way out. Next up is Andrew vs. Richard, with the crab cakes. Andrew's is composed of different types of crab meat, but looks fairly basic. He's jazzed it up with a cilantro-basil pudding and some orange sauce, and yammers on about making his own mayonnaise. Richard tells the judges that he wanted to keep things simple.
LabRat: "That's why you hand-smoked everything."
His crab cake incorporates blue crab, brussels sprouts, and an apple coleslaw with smoked ras el hanout. Those smoky flavors work in Richard's favor, while the panko Andrew has used makes the cake too bready. Richard wins, which puts Andrew in the losing category for two out of two challenges. Huh, I thought he was going to outcook all those other motherfuckers. He's welcome to start doing that any time now. Jennifer vs. Nikki, with the lasagna. Jennifer's is made with autumnal vegetables, a meat sauce, and a mint verde. The judges dig in, and discover that the rutabaga is raw. Nikki says that she had a lot to prove after the pizza Quickfire, so she made a more classic lasagna with sheep's milk Gouda and that hand-made pasta. The judges like both of them, but Jennifer loses a point for the rutabaga, and Nikki gains one for the pasta, so she wins. Antonia vs. Nimma, with the shrimp scampi. Antonia's is a parpadelle with shrimp, lobster, tomatoes, and squash. Man, there's a lot of squash being tossed around this episode. The judges make yummy noises, which is a good sign. Nimma's shrimp scampi is marinated in garlic, thyme, and lemon zest, and is served in a parsley butter sauce. The cauliflower scramble is on the side. Padma finds it way too salty; the exact opposite of the issue Nimma had in the Quickfire. Rocco goes one step further, saying that if he were served this in a restaurant, he'd have to send it back. Antonia easily bags the win. Nimma sucks a lemon.
Spike vs. Lisa, with the eggs Benedict. Spike's has poached egg with bacon, mushrooms, and a lemongrass sabayon on a crouton. Take out the mushroom, and it would be ideal. Lisa's eggs (Well, not her eggs. I assume they come from a chicken) are served on toasted challah, and are topped with lobster, spinach, hollandaise, and bacon. Mmmmm. Both dishes are deemed delicious. Lisa's poaching technique was slightly better and her food was stacked a little more neatly (no, really), so she wins by a hair. Dale vs. Manuel, with the steak au poivre. Dale's meat is extremely rare. He's done a traditional New York strip steak with candied peppercorns. There's also a parsley puree and some bok choy. This is what he calls a twist? Manuel has really given it a twist, Mexican-style. He serves the sirloin in a mushroom ceviche, and a scallion-cilantro sauce. Manuel is told his is a bit greasy and that he went overboard with the sauce, so Dale is given the win.
Ryan vs. Valerie, with the chicken piccata. Ryan serves chicken cutlets with lemon-potato gnocchi, and a warm herb salad. Valerie's is more traditional. She's substituted orange for lemon, but the rest is all there. She serves it with some potato and a haricot vert salad. The judges have problems with both, in that neither one was a true piccata. So much for Padma's assurance that "you may reinvent the dish entirely". When will they stop springing this asinine trap on the contestants? Ryan had no business using bread crumbs, and neither of them provided an acidic butter sauce. Since Valerie provided a better-tasting dish, she's picked as the winner, though the judges aren't wild about it. Ryan rightly worries that everyone at home is going to think he's a giant flop for not knowing his way around a classic dish. Erik vs. Zoi, with the souffle. Erik's is made with pepper jack cheese and is topped with pico de gallo salsa. There is avocado creme fraiche on the side, as well as a black bean puree that literally looks like poo. Zoi has made a rice pudding souffle. There are candied figs and fennel on the side, and a cup of espresso. Neither souffle is applauded as a souffle, though both tasted fine. Zoi's was a better plate of food overall, and she's awarded the win.
The new Bottom Eight fret. Nimma wishes she could cook the food all over again. I have no doubt that's true, as Nimma is one of the few cooks who have been in the bottom for both challenges (Andrew and Manuel being the others).
Commercials. Why won't Ryan Phillippe go away?
Ryan soothes himself with the fact that ninety minutes is not a lot of cooking time. Well, that's true, but his loss has nothing to do with a time crunch. At any rate, Padma comes back to the Kitchen and summons Antonia, Nikki, Richard, and Stephanie to Judges' Table. Dale says "fuck" and rolls his eyes. Oh, shut up. Once out at the table, Padma tells the chefs that they are the top four this week. Antonia showed great technical skill and "an ability to restrain [herself]", whatever that means. Stephanie's duck had great flavor, composition, color, and texture. Nikki's lasagna was light and tasty. Richard's crab cake was excellent and forward-thinking. Ptom is more overtly pleased than he usually is. He actually throws out some compliments that sound genuine. Rocco gets to announce the winner of the challenge, which is Stephanie. "How fucking cool is that?" she asks us. Pretty fucking cool, Stephanie. Now go set up a swear jar back at the house. You guys will be able to buy a Jaguar within two weeks. She wins only the pleasure of sending out the bottom four.
Stephanie's win is applauded back in the Kitchen, and she tells everyone that the judges want to see Ryan, Erik, Nimma, and Mark. The bottom four enter Judges' Table, accompanied by the ever-mysterious Odd Asian Music and its attendant gong. Padma informs them that they had the least favorite dishes, which I think they've probably figured out by now. Erik's souffle had mashed potatoes as a base, which certainly didn't lend any lightness to the dish. The tortillas piled on top weighed it down even further. Anthony tells him that he was clearly working outside of his comfort zone, which sounds to me like he doesn't want to throw too much blame on him. Erik isn't proud of making "glorified nachos". Nimma is asked if her shrimp scampi was good. Her answer? "I think the cauliflower scramble was great." Oh, Nimma. I'm afraid you get the first one of the season. That's a terrible answer, and Ptom gives her a dirty look. He calls her on the fact that it was originally supposed to be a flan, and the fact that it didn't work out as such seems to count against her. Her other problem was the poorly-seasoned shrimp, which is "Shrimp 101", according to Anthony.
Mark wanted to make a deconstructed dish, and Anthony says that it came off as silly and pretentious. How's he's able to say that without instantly being struck by lightning is a puzzler. Not that he's incorrect, but if there's one person who doesn't get to call someone else silly and pretentious, it's the guy who uses his food expertise to spend half of his time on-call to say nasty things to reality show wannabes and the other half ridiculing celebrity chefs. Anyway, Mark would have done better to make a fully-composed dish. Ptom says that the duck was overcooked, and Rocco takes issue with the fact that Mark cut out a lot of the duck fat, which is why people eat duck to begin with.
Tim: "Eat it, Kiwi!"
Ryan says he didn't want to drown his chicken in starch. Which is why he threw a bunch of bread crumbs in? You're losing me, Ryan. Padma says something along the same lines, mentioning that making gnocchi is not the best way to cut down on starch. Ptom's biggest problem is that his chicken piccata wasn't a piccata, and that the breadcrumb layer was way too thick. Ryan says he didn't want to make the dish that classic (read: "I don't know how to make piccata, so I'm going to pretend I didn't want to"). That's the defense I'd employ in his situation as well, but Ptom points out that you can't put a new spin on a classic dish until you understand what you're spinning off of.
The chefs are dismissed. Deliberations. Ryan doesn't know the basics, and Anthony couldn't understand his ramblings at Judges' Table. Nimma's salty shrimp was way over the line, and her cauliflower scramble was like baby food. Back in the Kitchen, Nimma tells Lisa that she needs to learn how to zone out of her nervous state, and fast. Oh, I wouldn't worry about it now, Nimma. The judges found Erik's souffle pretty terrible, even allowing for inexperience. Mark's dish was weak and overcooked. Anthony didn't like the sake martini. The judges make a decision.
Commercials. Well, there's a note reading "[LabRat] is great!!!!!" written here. I must have jotted that down. Even though it's not in my handwriting.
Elimination. Ptom allows for some early show jitters, but rightly says that the chefs are going to have to get past that. Ryan has to know the classics if he wants to cook modern food. Mark's dish had too many competing elements. Nimma's dish should have been simple, and neither component worked out. Her shrimp was so salty, it was inedible. Erik should know how to make a souffle. Who will be forever burdened with the shame of First Person Out? Nimma. Please pack your knives and go. Well, no surprise there. She thanks the judges for the opportunity. In her final interview, she says it's unfortunate that nobody will ever know how good a cook she is. The other chefs hug her and applaud. She closes by saying that cooking is a God-given talent of hers. You'd think He could have refined it before handing it down. Nimma's going to go on cooking and go on learning. And she'll have plenty of lemons and sour grapes stocked at all times.
This season on Top Chef: Limecrete skips this show's previews, because they give away far too much.
Overall Grade: B
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Where's the Beef?
America's Next Top Model - Season 10, Episode 4
No, it's not Top Chef just yet! Although speaking of that show, it's going to be taking the lion's share of my time now, so ANTM will have to be busted down to blurbs. Suck it, Tyra!
After a brief foray into Dominique's delusion that being in the bottom two last week was a good thing, we rejoin the girls getting on each other's nerves at the pad. I'd probably be cranky if I were forced to live with Fatima and Amis, too. The girls head off to a firehouse, where they must do a quick change, then a runway walk in front of some bored firemen. Lauren is growing on me, but her walk still sucks rocks. Fatima clomps like a horse, Amis skips like a fool, and Dominique tries to be sexy and lands closer to "drunk aunt at a wedding reception". On the other end, Claire still dominates, and Whitney does a good job as well.
Back at the pad, Aimee's discomfort with being nude in front of the other girls somehow leads to a fight between Whitney and Fatima/Dominique/Marvita. I admire Whitney for sticking up for her friend, but seriously? What a dumbass fight. Later, everyone takes part in a quick-change fashion show for Jaslene and yet another big-nosed editor at Seventeen. Man, they've got more turnover at that magazine than a pancake factory. On the runway, Lauren's walk has not magically improved, and she does a horrendous job. Fatima has misbuttoned her shirt, and manages to mangle the pronunciation of "button" (as BUH-en) about four thousand times. Oh, and Whitney's boob falls out.
As Jaslene critiques the girls, LabRat comes in, and says "What happened to her voice?" Oh, my God. Someone has Henry Higginsed her! No more cha-cha diva; she's all proper now. Katarzyna wins the challenge, and picks Marvita and Amis to share in her prize, an ad shot that readers will look at for four-tenths of a second before flipping forward to an article about how to exfoliate your skin with sheep intestines or whatever. At the photo shoot, OJ wears an even uglier coat in his escalating series of fug-wear. The girls are dressed up with meat bikinis, and pose in front of hanging racks of dead animals.
At panel, Anya is again inexplicably given lavish praise. She must have an elaborate voodoo kit set up back at the pad. Lauren redeems herself with a great shot, and the judges enjoy Whitney's photo as well. On the flip side, everyone finally realizes that Aimee is boring and Amis is not pretty in the least. In fact, I realized tonight that Amis is like an uglier version of my cousin. Aimee is saved by Fatima's poor shot and runway performance, and the latter winds up in the bottom two with Amis. It's far too early to eliminate the Bitch, so Amis takes a very welcome walk home. Phew. I couldn't take much more of her. Every time she came on screen, all my clocks stopped working.
Overall Grade: C+
No, it's not Top Chef just yet! Although speaking of that show, it's going to be taking the lion's share of my time now, so ANTM will have to be busted down to blurbs. Suck it, Tyra!
After a brief foray into Dominique's delusion that being in the bottom two last week was a good thing, we rejoin the girls getting on each other's nerves at the pad. I'd probably be cranky if I were forced to live with Fatima and Amis, too. The girls head off to a firehouse, where they must do a quick change, then a runway walk in front of some bored firemen. Lauren is growing on me, but her walk still sucks rocks. Fatima clomps like a horse, Amis skips like a fool, and Dominique tries to be sexy and lands closer to "drunk aunt at a wedding reception". On the other end, Claire still dominates, and Whitney does a good job as well.
Back at the pad, Aimee's discomfort with being nude in front of the other girls somehow leads to a fight between Whitney and Fatima/Dominique/Marvita. I admire Whitney for sticking up for her friend, but seriously? What a dumbass fight. Later, everyone takes part in a quick-change fashion show for Jaslene and yet another big-nosed editor at Seventeen. Man, they've got more turnover at that magazine than a pancake factory. On the runway, Lauren's walk has not magically improved, and she does a horrendous job. Fatima has misbuttoned her shirt, and manages to mangle the pronunciation of "button" (as BUH-en) about four thousand times. Oh, and Whitney's boob falls out.
As Jaslene critiques the girls, LabRat comes in, and says "What happened to her voice?" Oh, my God. Someone has Henry Higginsed her! No more cha-cha diva; she's all proper now. Katarzyna wins the challenge, and picks Marvita and Amis to share in her prize, an ad shot that readers will look at for four-tenths of a second before flipping forward to an article about how to exfoliate your skin with sheep intestines or whatever. At the photo shoot, OJ wears an even uglier coat in his escalating series of fug-wear. The girls are dressed up with meat bikinis, and pose in front of hanging racks of dead animals.
At panel, Anya is again inexplicably given lavish praise. She must have an elaborate voodoo kit set up back at the pad. Lauren redeems herself with a great shot, and the judges enjoy Whitney's photo as well. On the flip side, everyone finally realizes that Aimee is boring and Amis is not pretty in the least. In fact, I realized tonight that Amis is like an uglier version of my cousin. Aimee is saved by Fatima's poor shot and runway performance, and the latter winds up in the bottom two with Amis. It's far too early to eliminate the Bitch, so Amis takes a very welcome walk home. Phew. I couldn't take much more of her. Every time she came on screen, all my clocks stopped working.
Overall Grade: C+
Sunday, March 09, 2008
Top Model Makeovers
America's Next Top Model - Season 10, Episode 3
Previously on America's Next Top Model: New York. Model pad. Times Square runway show. The girls "sent a message" about homelessness at the photo shoot - namely, homelessness is a silly, lighthearted issue that people should feel free to mock through photography. Paulina Porizkova became a new judge. Kimberly quit, and before the door even closed behind her, Atalya joined her. Twelve girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Model pad. Dominique worries about being the bottom four last week, and wants to step her game up. The "doorbell" "rings", and the girls discover that they have been gifted with ugly purses containing ugly pants.
Allison, the Snotty Bitch - Part 1: She turns her nose up at the other girls' excitement, bragging in interview about how much more experience she has at modeling than they do. What this has to do with free jeans is beyond me.
Since Fatima has left off pushing Marvita's buttons, she has to find another handy target, and discussion of apple-bottoms leads her to Allison. She essentially calls Allison a fatass, and Allison stalks off, sniping that Fatima shouldn't say things like that to "the anorexic girl". She's anorexic? Maybe that's the modeling experience she was referring to. Fatima's, like, "Whoopsie! I didn't mean for my casual bitchery to land quite that hard!"
The new, electronic Tyra Mail is spectacularly annoying, because the girls are compelled to read each one aloud, in unison, one. Word. At. A. Time. EXCEPT. THEY. SHOUT. AS. THEY. DO. IT. Ugh. The mail is typically vague, and the girls are shuffled out of the pad at 5:00 AM the next day. It's time for a challenge. One which will undoubtedly reveal who has the most high-fashion modeling potential. Are they going to Milan? Having a meeting with Tim Gunn? Heavens, no. If there's one thing top models need to know how to do, it's run around Wal-Mart putting on cheap cosmetics. Seriously, I saw Gisele walking into one just the other day. In case my sarcasm isn't apparent, the girls go to the trashiest company in America, where they are given five minutes to get made up. The girls scatter. Lauren reminds us for the second time in three minutes that she's not a very girly girl. We get it, Lauren. Thanks.
Allison, the Snotty Bitch - Part 2: "I sound like a horrible person for saying this, but I'm doing better than a lot of the girls. Especially Fatima."
Wow, that's not transparent at all. Time runs out. The judges love Claire and Whitney, give Lauren fair marks, and pan Fatima and Allison. Hah! Claire wins the makeup challenge, and while the challenge itself is laughably dumb, I'm loving me some Claire these days, so yay! She's told she's going to be on the Wal-Mart website, and her face is a polite smile over an "Um...great! I'll try to be a role model for the toothless women with seventeen kids that will see me!" expression.
Back at the pad, there's a few minutes of boring blah about how seriously the girls with children (Claire and Dominique) are taking the competition. As with Renee, I get where they're coming from, but if they really want to provide a better life for their kids, how about eschewing reality television, for oh, say...a JOB? Meanwhile, in the other room, some of the girls are playing with dolls.
Allison, the Snotty Bitch - Part 3: In an effort to get back at Fatima for the apple-butt crack, she stuffs Kleenex down the black doll's pants. Not to represent just Fatima, but for all the fatass black women in the world. Then she implies that all black women like to be slammed anally.
Rut roh! Fatima yells at her, though not half as ferociously as I was expecting. One good punch would snap Allison in two, and in this case, I was hoping Fatima would deliver. No such luck. Allison snottily defends herself (#4) by saying Fatima made fun of her body image. Oh, I guess that excuses racism. After all, they're all alike, aren't they? Feh. After the commercial break, some Tyra Mail hints at the upcoming makeovers. Indeed, the stretch cab drops the girls at a salon, where Tyra explains that the girls won't even know what's being done to them until it's over. Heh. I wonder how that would have gone over with Cassandra. Let's get to the stylin'!
Anya - Tyra wants to think her hair is dyed ash blond, but it's really just blond. Her "After" shot just doubles my confusion about why the judges seem to love her. Her mouth is twisted into a half snarl, and her nose takes up three quarters of her face.
Whitney - Gets a blond weave. It's a little too full, but she carries it well.
Aimee - Fire engine red. Also too full, like has Tyra been watching a lot of Dynasty lately?
Marvita - Gets what Tyra calls the "horse mane hair weave", in that the sides are kept short, but the middle is added to, and swept straight back. Marvita is totally ready to rule the Thunderdome.
Lauren - Tyra calls it a long blond weave with reddish highlights, but it's really a long red weave with blondish highlights. Is Tyra color blind?
Katarzyna - Keep working to pronounce that name, Tyra! You're not quite there yet! Katarzyna's hair gets darkened, which suits her much better than that multicolored funk she had going on before.
Claire - More of her hair is shaved off, and it's all dyed bright blond. This is where other girls would throw a big tantrum, but she's perfectly content. Go, Claire! I kind of liked her hair better in the "Before", but give me a chance to get used to it. I may come around.
Allison - Lightened into more of an auburn shade. I'm just glad she doesn't look like Sarah Silverman anymore.
Dominique - Ugh. What the fuck? So, they cut a bunch off, and volumized the rest into a foofy bowl cut. LabRat: "She looks like an aging tennis player." I cannot improve upon that description.
Stacy-Ann - Hair is cut off, save a bit of poofy frizz. She looks like a black dandelion.
Amis - From fug to fug. She's given a multicolored weave, but frankly, there isn't much you can do with this chick.
Fatima - Gets a painful chestnut weave. Allison makes fun of her suffering (#5). I love long hair on women, but for once, I feel like this would have looked better if it were a bit shorter. Still, she certainly looks better than that fried orange crap she had before.
After some Tyra Mail back at the pad, we segue into the next day, where the girls meet OJ down at a boat. He explains that they'll be out on the water, so that the Brooklyn Bridge will serve as backdrop for the photo. Oh, and he's wearing a metallic, silver, fur-lined trenchcoat. Classsssssay! The bridge doesn't have makeup or clothing to sell, so in order to shoehorn in as much advertising as possible, Elle Macpherson shows up to hock her line of lingerie, which the girls will be wearing in their photos. She chats with the girls as they get made up.
The shoot begins. Standouts include Claire, who rocks it out, Whitney, who's wearing more in this "lingerie" shoot than I'm wearing right now, and Lauren, who reminds us for the fifteenth time this episode that she's not girly and has trouble being "sexy". Allison is practicing facial expressions in the mirror, snottily reiterating (#6) that her vast modeling experience is an automatic advantage in this competition. Karma pops her in the face, as the photographer and OJ tell her she looks far too posed and aware. She allows delusion to flow through her, interviewing that she totally nailed the shoot. Dominique sucks as well, being told that her shots belong in a catalog. Well, if you hadn't given her that godawful 1994 soccer mom hairdo, maybe they wouldn't.
Back at the pad, Tyra Mail announces the upcoming elimination. Allison, naturally, is totally secure in her safe passage to the next episode. Hahaha! Oh, and #7. After the commercials, we enter the Chamber of Doom on a not-very-good shot of Tyra, with the bridge in the background. I'd like to see what the judges would say if one of the girls looked this dead-eyed. Prizes. Judges. The guest judge is George, the photographer. Now, to the shots.
Wow, George deserves some kind of medal, because first up is Amis, and though she looks totally fug at panel, her shot is really good. Hey, did you know that Lauren isn't very girly? Well, she totally isn't! Her shot is terrific. George is a miracle worker. As is the digital editing team, I suppose. Marvita's shot is very strong and intriguing. Claire's is fairly good, though Tyra warns her against pursing her mouth when she raises her eyebrow. Fatima is compared to Iman again, and though her face looks good in the photo, the judges have an issue with her legs, and how they're pressed together. Katarzyna looks good, but Miss J and Paulina think her shot is a little too sex kitten, like Mail Order Bride #1. No, that was Natasha. Stacy-Ann's shot is fair, though she's lost her neck. Dominique. Cellulite! Tyra says her shots look like those sale pictures in newspapers. True, though again, half the reason is that shitty haircut you gave her. Aimee's shot is fine. She still bores me to tears. Anya's shot is all nose. Tyra inexplicably loves it.
Allison. Oh, this is too rich. As she walks up, Tyra tells her she looks so soft and pretty now. "I know!" Allison crows (#8). Nigel hints that sometimes "Thank you" is also an appropriate response to a compliment, and it flies right over Allison's head, and out the door. She stands there, giving pose after pose to show herself off. Nigel and Tyra actually sit there and discuss how clueless she is, and she still doesn't get it. Hahaha! Added to that, her photo is crap. Her legs look good, but her face is totally vacant. So much for all that mirror practice. Tyra doesn't like Whitney's shot, but has the grace to admit that it's not Whitney's fault. She's simply wearing way too much. I agree, but I actually think Whitney's working what she had on pretty well. The girls are dismissed.
Deliberations. Amis doesn't know her angles. Lauren's gawkiness works to her advantage. Marvita has a really strong picture. Claire's was a tad disappointing, and the shot doesn't do her justice. Fatima needs to move her bottom half. Katarzyna's shot is too slutty. Stacy-Ann has a lantern jaw. Dominique is matronly. Aimee is beautiful. Anya has potential (bleh), and the judges make fun of her accent some more. Yeah, her voice is aggravating. Allison is too posed, and conceited to boot. Whitney has to get more naked. The judges reach a decision.
Elimination. Lauren is safe. Marvita. Aimee. Claire. Stacy-Ann. Fatima. Anya. Whitney. Katarzyna. Amis. Will Dominique and Allison please step forward? Dominique has lost her diva attitude, and her shots suck. Allison is cocky, and her shots suck. Note that their detriments are exact opposites. Anyhow, Dominique is given her photo, and I could watch Allison's face crumble all day. Rewind, and...crumble! Rewind, and...crumble! Dominique gives her a hug. Tyra tells Allison to keep on striving. She leaves, and Miss J aims for drama as he peels her name off his shirt. I guess his schtick leaves something to be desired, as LabRat instantly dissolves into a puddle of giggles. In her final interview, Allison says she's just going to put her photos into her portfolio, suck it up, and keep going. Well, she's certainly got the "suck" part down. Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Fatima and Amis work Miss J's nerves at a runway demonstration in a...firehouse? Whatever. Fatima, with an assist from Dominique, spins her Target of the Week wheel, which lands on Whitney.
Overall Grade: B-
Previously on America's Next Top Model: New York. Model pad. Times Square runway show. The girls "sent a message" about homelessness at the photo shoot - namely, homelessness is a silly, lighthearted issue that people should feel free to mock through photography. Paulina Porizkova became a new judge. Kimberly quit, and before the door even closed behind her, Atalya joined her. Twelve girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Model pad. Dominique worries about being the bottom four last week, and wants to step her game up. The "doorbell" "rings", and the girls discover that they have been gifted with ugly purses containing ugly pants.
Allison, the Snotty Bitch - Part 1: She turns her nose up at the other girls' excitement, bragging in interview about how much more experience she has at modeling than they do. What this has to do with free jeans is beyond me.
Since Fatima has left off pushing Marvita's buttons, she has to find another handy target, and discussion of apple-bottoms leads her to Allison. She essentially calls Allison a fatass, and Allison stalks off, sniping that Fatima shouldn't say things like that to "the anorexic girl". She's anorexic? Maybe that's the modeling experience she was referring to. Fatima's, like, "Whoopsie! I didn't mean for my casual bitchery to land quite that hard!"
The new, electronic Tyra Mail is spectacularly annoying, because the girls are compelled to read each one aloud, in unison, one. Word. At. A. Time. EXCEPT. THEY. SHOUT. AS. THEY. DO. IT. Ugh. The mail is typically vague, and the girls are shuffled out of the pad at 5:00 AM the next day. It's time for a challenge. One which will undoubtedly reveal who has the most high-fashion modeling potential. Are they going to Milan? Having a meeting with Tim Gunn? Heavens, no. If there's one thing top models need to know how to do, it's run around Wal-Mart putting on cheap cosmetics. Seriously, I saw Gisele walking into one just the other day. In case my sarcasm isn't apparent, the girls go to the trashiest company in America, where they are given five minutes to get made up. The girls scatter. Lauren reminds us for the second time in three minutes that she's not a very girly girl. We get it, Lauren. Thanks.
Allison, the Snotty Bitch - Part 2: "I sound like a horrible person for saying this, but I'm doing better than a lot of the girls. Especially Fatima."
Wow, that's not transparent at all. Time runs out. The judges love Claire and Whitney, give Lauren fair marks, and pan Fatima and Allison. Hah! Claire wins the makeup challenge, and while the challenge itself is laughably dumb, I'm loving me some Claire these days, so yay! She's told she's going to be on the Wal-Mart website, and her face is a polite smile over an "Um...great! I'll try to be a role model for the toothless women with seventeen kids that will see me!" expression.
Back at the pad, there's a few minutes of boring blah about how seriously the girls with children (Claire and Dominique) are taking the competition. As with Renee, I get where they're coming from, but if they really want to provide a better life for their kids, how about eschewing reality television, for oh, say...a JOB? Meanwhile, in the other room, some of the girls are playing with dolls.
Allison, the Snotty Bitch - Part 3: In an effort to get back at Fatima for the apple-butt crack, she stuffs Kleenex down the black doll's pants. Not to represent just Fatima, but for all the fatass black women in the world. Then she implies that all black women like to be slammed anally.
Rut roh! Fatima yells at her, though not half as ferociously as I was expecting. One good punch would snap Allison in two, and in this case, I was hoping Fatima would deliver. No such luck. Allison snottily defends herself (#4) by saying Fatima made fun of her body image. Oh, I guess that excuses racism. After all, they're all alike, aren't they? Feh. After the commercial break, some Tyra Mail hints at the upcoming makeovers. Indeed, the stretch cab drops the girls at a salon, where Tyra explains that the girls won't even know what's being done to them until it's over. Heh. I wonder how that would have gone over with Cassandra. Let's get to the stylin'!
Anya - Tyra wants to think her hair is dyed ash blond, but it's really just blond. Her "After" shot just doubles my confusion about why the judges seem to love her. Her mouth is twisted into a half snarl, and her nose takes up three quarters of her face.
Whitney - Gets a blond weave. It's a little too full, but she carries it well.
Aimee - Fire engine red. Also too full, like has Tyra been watching a lot of Dynasty lately?
Marvita - Gets what Tyra calls the "horse mane hair weave", in that the sides are kept short, but the middle is added to, and swept straight back. Marvita is totally ready to rule the Thunderdome.
Lauren - Tyra calls it a long blond weave with reddish highlights, but it's really a long red weave with blondish highlights. Is Tyra color blind?
Katarzyna - Keep working to pronounce that name, Tyra! You're not quite there yet! Katarzyna's hair gets darkened, which suits her much better than that multicolored funk she had going on before.
Claire - More of her hair is shaved off, and it's all dyed bright blond. This is where other girls would throw a big tantrum, but she's perfectly content. Go, Claire! I kind of liked her hair better in the "Before", but give me a chance to get used to it. I may come around.
Allison - Lightened into more of an auburn shade. I'm just glad she doesn't look like Sarah Silverman anymore.
Dominique - Ugh. What the fuck? So, they cut a bunch off, and volumized the rest into a foofy bowl cut. LabRat: "She looks like an aging tennis player." I cannot improve upon that description.
Stacy-Ann - Hair is cut off, save a bit of poofy frizz. She looks like a black dandelion.
Amis - From fug to fug. She's given a multicolored weave, but frankly, there isn't much you can do with this chick.
Fatima - Gets a painful chestnut weave. Allison makes fun of her suffering (#5). I love long hair on women, but for once, I feel like this would have looked better if it were a bit shorter. Still, she certainly looks better than that fried orange crap she had before.
After some Tyra Mail back at the pad, we segue into the next day, where the girls meet OJ down at a boat. He explains that they'll be out on the water, so that the Brooklyn Bridge will serve as backdrop for the photo. Oh, and he's wearing a metallic, silver, fur-lined trenchcoat. Classsssssay! The bridge doesn't have makeup or clothing to sell, so in order to shoehorn in as much advertising as possible, Elle Macpherson shows up to hock her line of lingerie, which the girls will be wearing in their photos. She chats with the girls as they get made up.
The shoot begins. Standouts include Claire, who rocks it out, Whitney, who's wearing more in this "lingerie" shoot than I'm wearing right now, and Lauren, who reminds us for the fifteenth time this episode that she's not girly and has trouble being "sexy". Allison is practicing facial expressions in the mirror, snottily reiterating (#6) that her vast modeling experience is an automatic advantage in this competition. Karma pops her in the face, as the photographer and OJ tell her she looks far too posed and aware. She allows delusion to flow through her, interviewing that she totally nailed the shoot. Dominique sucks as well, being told that her shots belong in a catalog. Well, if you hadn't given her that godawful 1994 soccer mom hairdo, maybe they wouldn't.
Back at the pad, Tyra Mail announces the upcoming elimination. Allison, naturally, is totally secure in her safe passage to the next episode. Hahaha! Oh, and #7. After the commercials, we enter the Chamber of Doom on a not-very-good shot of Tyra, with the bridge in the background. I'd like to see what the judges would say if one of the girls looked this dead-eyed. Prizes. Judges. The guest judge is George, the photographer. Now, to the shots.
Wow, George deserves some kind of medal, because first up is Amis, and though she looks totally fug at panel, her shot is really good. Hey, did you know that Lauren isn't very girly? Well, she totally isn't! Her shot is terrific. George is a miracle worker. As is the digital editing team, I suppose. Marvita's shot is very strong and intriguing. Claire's is fairly good, though Tyra warns her against pursing her mouth when she raises her eyebrow. Fatima is compared to Iman again, and though her face looks good in the photo, the judges have an issue with her legs, and how they're pressed together. Katarzyna looks good, but Miss J and Paulina think her shot is a little too sex kitten, like Mail Order Bride #1. No, that was Natasha. Stacy-Ann's shot is fair, though she's lost her neck. Dominique. Cellulite! Tyra says her shots look like those sale pictures in newspapers. True, though again, half the reason is that shitty haircut you gave her. Aimee's shot is fine. She still bores me to tears. Anya's shot is all nose. Tyra inexplicably loves it.
Allison. Oh, this is too rich. As she walks up, Tyra tells her she looks so soft and pretty now. "I know!" Allison crows (#8). Nigel hints that sometimes "Thank you" is also an appropriate response to a compliment, and it flies right over Allison's head, and out the door. She stands there, giving pose after pose to show herself off. Nigel and Tyra actually sit there and discuss how clueless she is, and she still doesn't get it. Hahaha! Added to that, her photo is crap. Her legs look good, but her face is totally vacant. So much for all that mirror practice. Tyra doesn't like Whitney's shot, but has the grace to admit that it's not Whitney's fault. She's simply wearing way too much. I agree, but I actually think Whitney's working what she had on pretty well. The girls are dismissed.
Deliberations. Amis doesn't know her angles. Lauren's gawkiness works to her advantage. Marvita has a really strong picture. Claire's was a tad disappointing, and the shot doesn't do her justice. Fatima needs to move her bottom half. Katarzyna's shot is too slutty. Stacy-Ann has a lantern jaw. Dominique is matronly. Aimee is beautiful. Anya has potential (bleh), and the judges make fun of her accent some more. Yeah, her voice is aggravating. Allison is too posed, and conceited to boot. Whitney has to get more naked. The judges reach a decision.
Elimination. Lauren is safe. Marvita. Aimee. Claire. Stacy-Ann. Fatima. Anya. Whitney. Katarzyna. Amis. Will Dominique and Allison please step forward? Dominique has lost her diva attitude, and her shots suck. Allison is cocky, and her shots suck. Note that their detriments are exact opposites. Anyhow, Dominique is given her photo, and I could watch Allison's face crumble all day. Rewind, and...crumble! Rewind, and...crumble! Dominique gives her a hug. Tyra tells Allison to keep on striving. She leaves, and Miss J aims for drama as he peels her name off his shirt. I guess his schtick leaves something to be desired, as LabRat instantly dissolves into a puddle of giggles. In her final interview, Allison says she's just going to put her photos into her portfolio, suck it up, and keep going. Well, she's certainly got the "suck" part down. Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Fatima and Amis work Miss J's nerves at a runway demonstration in a...firehouse? Whatever. Fatima, with an assist from Dominique, spins her Target of the Week wheel, which lands on Whitney.
Overall Grade: B-
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