Ham-Fisted

Top Chef - Season 6, Episode 8

Previously on Top Chef: Mike had no faith in Robin's cooking ability. The fact that everything turned out just fine isn't mentioned, because that doesn't fit into the neat picture of Robin-as-useless-old-woman that we're supposed to be sold on by now. Jenc won the challenge with an assist from Kevin, while Bryan's calm facade began to show some cracks. Ashley got sent on her less-than-merry way, but probably regrets it less now that she's seen she left at just about the time everyone gets sick of being stuck with the same group of people for twenty-four hours a day, and they all begin to plot each other's demises. Nine chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening credits. I wasn't able to write this long version of the episode's events back when it aired, because I was busy ruining our trip to New York by falling ill a day before we left. I'm filling in the blanks months later, so think of me as a psychic Limecrete who magically knows not only how the episode turns out, but the entire season. Also, Sarah Palin will continue to make an idiot of herself, but you probably didn't need time-traveling me to tell you that.

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Michael rues being in the bottom two for the first time, and vows never to suffer through it again. He compares himself to Babe Ruth. Honey, please. I'm sure your food is delicious, but your name will not be entered into the history books. Unless you accidentally trip over a cat and drown in the toilet or something. Eli calls home to vent about his emotional stress. We finally learn why he acts like a dumb kid who lives with his parents. It turns out that he's a dumb kid who lives with his parents. Mystery solved! He tells us that Top Chef can change your "entire culinary career". So don't come on this show hoping to change your secretarial career, because it ain't happening. Robin does pilates out on the lawn to help herself find balance. I've never indulged in the practice, but if it involves imitating Robin's technique of thrashing around in a swimming motion like Michael Phelps on speed, I'll pass. She tells us that surviving cancer has made her a stronger person. I'll bet. The chefs head out for the day.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs enter the Kitchen, where they are met by Padma and this week's guest judge. For those who are sticklers for facts, his name is Charlie Palmer. For the rest of us, he looks so much like Cliff Clavin that I'm just going to call him that for the rest of the episode. Cliff discloses that he's worked with Bryan and Michael in the past, but promises not to show them any favoritism. Padma announces that this week's challenges are all about pairing. As you know, caring about how food is paired is a relatively recent development in our culture, and is still thought of as very sophisticated, so what better way to completely piss all over this idea than by asking the chefs to make a dish to pair with an overpriced potato chip? Welcome to tonight's Quickfire! There are six flavors of overpriced potato chip to choose from, and the chefs will have forty-five minutes to throw something together. Ready? Go!

The chefs scatter. Michael and Bryan spend some time talking about their prior relationships with Cliff. I don't care enough to transcribe any of it. Jenc is nervous. She describes herself as a perfectionist who wants everything to be perfect. Oh, is that what a perfectionist is? I was under the impression it was someone who punches a series of little holes in paper so that it can be torn easily. Eli's feeling confident about his pairing skills. Ash feels he's been held back by being too influenced by other people's strategies, and says he's going to focus on his own ideas from now on. Let's see how that works out for him. Time runs down. Everyone plates their food.

Padma and Cliff go down the line. The flavor of overpriced potato chip each chef has chosen doesn't really matter very much, so let's just focus on what they've made. Eli has prepared a potato clam salad with cold fennel and celery, with a white truffle sauce. Sounds good. Kevin's got a warm bean confit and tomato salad with herbs and creamed corn. Bryan has made seared rib-eye with pickled onion, sauteed mushrooms, and a chive puree. As is often the case on this show, the meat looks way too rare for even a blood-lover such as myself. Robin's got a sweet corn panna cotta with an avocado mousseline in the style of a parfait. Mike has done a spinoff of chilaquiles. Michael's made tuna tartare with avocado, pickled onions, and jalapenos. That's a lot of strong flavors. Ash has put together a chilled soup of cucumber and avocado with creme fraiche, crab, and roasted red pepper. Sounds tasty, but for the pairing with the barbecue-flavored overpriced potato chip. Laurine has swordfish with spinach, asparagus, and a fava bean puree. OK, the flavors sound good, but that combination would send you sprinting for the bathroom faster than an Ex-Lax smoothie. Jenc has a sauteed pork chop with tomato sauce, scallions, and some feta. She embarrassed, because it's way overdone. Who knows, maybe Cliff will be one of those people that likes their meat charred. I'm dating one of those philistines, myself. No such luck for Jenc, and her food brings on looks of consternation.

Results. The bottom three starts off with Robin, who had weird textures and a bad pairing. Ash's combination of ingredients didn't work well together. Jenc's pork chop was way too overdone. The top three kicks off with Eli, who did a good job with his execution and flavor concept. Bryan's execution was spot-on, though his idea was a bit unoriginal. Kevin made a good pairing and good food. The winner turns out to be... Eli, who takes his first challenge win. He's happy. Less happy is Ash, who somehow manages to shift through surprise, warmth, envy, and bitterness in one five-second sentence.

Elimination Challenge. The chefs are asked to draw knives. Michael describes more of his past experiences with Cliff. I still don't care. If he or Bryan do it again, I still won't care. Save the rest of the tales for the grandkids, please. The knives turn out to have different sections of pig written on them. Kevin is thrilled to have a pork challenge, telling us that he works with it so much, he's got a pig tattoo on his body. Everyone gets a part assigned to them, save Jenc, who pulls the "WILD" knife, and gets to cook with any pig section she wants. She picks pork belly without hesitation. The second half of the challenge is that the dish will be served as 150 tasting portions, and must be successfully paired with a Pinot noir.

Later, the chefs are taken to taste various Pinots. As with all wine tastings, it doesn't interest anyone who isn't physically putting the wine on his or her tongue. Each chef selects an individual wine to work with. Eli ridicules other chefs' wine palates. It sucks that we all can't be as sophisticated as he is. Perhaps we can join him in the cultural elite if all of our mommies do our laundry for us. After wine selection, the chefs head to the store with a $300 food budget. Kevin buys up as much bacon and other pork fat as he can. Laurine opts for duck fat, and talks about her intention to make a rillette. She hasn't made one with pork before, but assumes her experience in rabbit will carry her through. Ash is going to top his pork with polenta and a cherry demi-glace.

But enough of all this talk of stupid things like food and cooking. Let's head back to the house so we can watch these people act like fourth-grade girls. Robin is indulging in her usual logorrhea, and is driving everyone else up the wall. She correctly pegs the tension in the house as her losing a popularity contest, though she seems to stop short of wondering why that is. Sure, you can't please everyone, but when eight disparate personalities all flee from you, the common denominator is you. Now, I'm about to be very hard on the people who dislike Robin, but let it be known that I'm not wild about her, either. She's annoying the piss out of me right now, and I just spent ten seconds with her. I can't even imagine having to live with the woman. It's just that there are valid ways to argue with and distance yourself from people you don't like, and then there's these jerkoffs.

She drops some passive-aggressive crap about cleaning some part of the kitchen, and Eli, that grand sophisticate, snipes at her to stop copping such an attitude, and -- I swear I'm not making this up -- tells her she's not his mother. No, really. I suppose the editors left "Why can't I go to Tommy's birthday party?!? I hate you! I wish I'd never been born!" on the cutting room floor. Robin carps that she wouldn't want to be Eli's mother, because she would have raised him better. Really? I wouldn't want to be Eli's parent, because I'd want my adult child to get his own damn place and pay his own damn rent. Eli jogs downstairs so he can badmouth Robin with the rest of the Heathers, notably Mike. That's the thing. Not liking Robin is perfectly valid, but you can't really take the moral high ground if your counter-strategy is to whine, gossip, and make fun of her straight to her face, like you're Gretchen Weiners all of a sudden.

With that obnoxious tangent behind us, we can get back to the challenge at hand. The next day, the chefs get started on their four hours of prep time. Ash's vow to showcase his own ideas and strengths has lasted about twenty-six minutes, and he's once again turned to his competitors for ideas. After talking to Mike, Ash kills the polenta idea, and decides on a different preparation. Kevin works on a dish that he knows has great flavor, but worries that it's overly simple. Bryan frets that he doesn't have enough time to braise his ribs. Michael tells us he's always been more of a culinary risk-taker than his brother. Robin, you'll be shocked to hear, isn't here to make friends. I'm honestly confused. Reality show competitors must realize how dumb and hackneyed they sound when they use such a beaten-to-death phrase. They must. How could they not? It's been uttered and whined and spat and hissed more times than I can count. It's been said for years now. It's been said so often, it's gotten to the point where it's lost of all its original meaning and become a giant joke. It's become nearly impossible to use without irony, and yet every season of every show features someone saying it like they just coined the phrase. IT'S OLD. CATCH THE SNAP.

Jenc wants to redeem herself after her poor Quickfire performance, and works on a light, summer version of pork and beans. Eli is also working with pork belly, but doesn't worry about competition from Jenc, because his dish is heartier and "more exciting", while hers is "basic". Looks like someone's a bit too proud of his Quickfire win. Tell you what, Eli. You can be disdainful of Jenc when you can manage your own electric bill. Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste. Ash lies, and tells Ptom that he's finally cooking his own style of food. Mike is working on Lebanese meatballs, and brags that he's offered a wider range of world cuisine than any other contestant. He says it in that naturally douchey way he has, so I want to ridicule him, but you know what? He's right. He's shown good range by incorporating a healthy mix of different cultures' foods, and still manages to integrate them into weird challege parameters, which is pretty impressive. We see that people are still on edge, as Michael and Bryan snap nastily at each other over the plastic wrap. I hear that's how the Boer War started.

Time runs out. The chefs and their food are driven over to the party venue where they'll be serving. Everyone gets another hour to get their food ready. It flies by, and soon the guests are streaming in. Once the first wave of diners decimates the food tables, the judges deem it safe to show up. And do they ever show up. Padma is trying to get away with an actual sun hat, and looks patently ridiculous, like she's auditioning for the role of Daisy in a summer stock production of The Great Gatsby. Tony is wearing his Bono sunglasses again. Guest judge Dana Cowin has a blouse with white pinwheels that opens to below her boobs. Maybe that's why all these people cultivated an interest in food; they can hide their tragic fashion choices under a chef's coat or apron.

All the dishes are paired with the Pinot noir the chef chose earlier. That's the extent of the detail I'm going to go into about that. Michael has braised pork cheeks in root beer, and serves it with some truffle, a steamed bun, and cherry sauce with the Pinot and some vanilla bean. All of the judges enjoy it, as do the diners we're shown. Ash puts forth some chilled pork tenderloin on top of a cherry/corn salad. That's it. I often say that making your food complex doesn't automatically qualify it as better than simple food done well, but this is just sad. On top of that, this overly simple dish isn't even good. The judges find the meat clammy, overcooked, and oversalted. Of course, Toby is the one who calls it oversalted, so I'm tossing that criticism out on principle. I'm not sure if it's his nationality or his lack of culinary credentials that renders him totally useless on judging the level of seasoning, but if he calls something salty, it means it's perfectly fine. If he calls something perfectly fine, it means it's bland.

Eli has braised pork belly on a roasted carrot puree, with celery and fennel. The judges like the dish, though Cliff doesn't think it pairs well with the wine Eli's selected. Kevin has made pork leg pate, with mushroom salad and pickled cherries. It's dressed with a mayonnaise dressing made from rendered pork fat. He spins a nice tale about knowing that the winery his Pinot comes from also has hazelnut trees, so he incorporated that flavor into the mushroom. The judges not only gobble up his pate, but his story as well. Mike presents his pork shoulder Lebanese meatballs on a bed of orange blossom yogurt. Dana feels the orange flavor is overpowering, but Ptom doesn't mind it. Bryan has made braised pork spare rib on parsnip puree. It gets fairly good reviews from the judges, though they aren't doing somersaults over it.

Jenc has braised pork belly in soy sauce, and serves it on a salad of tomato, olive, celery, truffle, and apple. How this is a play on pork and beans is beyond me. The judges all heartily enjoy it. Cliff, as with all the dishes, ignores everything but the wine pairing. Laurine has pork butt rillettes topped with golden raisin/pearl onion chutney, which is all resting on arugula salad. It's not a hit. Dana compares it to cat food. Robin has brined pork loin, stuffed with sweet potato roulade and sour cherry/coffee sauce. Nobody likes it. Toby finds it slimy, and none of the judges can discern much flavor. The party wraps up.

Sweat 'n fret. Mike tells the other chefs that if the challenge were based on diner feedback, he'd be in the winners' circle. Robin says that a bunch of diners said that she was their favorite. Mike snorts in derision. Padma comes back, and summons Michael, Kevin, Jenc, and Bryan to the table. Eli rushes to the nearest phone to call his mom and complain that the mean judges don't appreciate his genius. OK, that didn't happen, but can't you picture it? The four Golden Children go out to Winners' Table, and are congratulated on having the best dishes (as well as the best wine pairings). Michael was successfully daring. Jenc's pork belly was light and tasty. Toby compares her Pinot to a hairy armpit. But as a compliment. Because it's European! Get it?!? I guess I should be glad Toby isn't likable, because if he were, I'd constantly be embarrassed for him. Kevin hit all the right flavors for his wine. Bryan had a strong pork flavor and a good pairing. Cliff gets to announce the winner, which turns out to be Kevin. He wins the opportunity to be a guest chef at the next Pinot pork party. It's not a wad of cash, but Kevin's elated, so I won't stand in the way of his happiness. Padma sends them back to the Kitchen.

Kevin gets the most tepid applause ever heard for his win. These aren't even golf claps; they're putt-putt claps. Michael tells the rest of the chefs that the judges want to see Ash, Laurine, and Robin. Once they leave, the Heathers waste no time in tearing into Robin once more. Michael at least pretends it's about her food, but Mike and Eli don't even bother doing that. Sending Robin home is the "right decision" because she's old and talks too much. Well, sure. How could a chatty person over forty know how to cook? See, this is why I can't get on the anti-Robin bandwagon, no matter how obnoxious she is. There's a difference between disliking her and trying to bully and belittle her out of the competition. I even kind of see parallels with the Marcel situation, though the Robin-bashing is infinitely less infuriating. Odd Asian Music and Gong agree with me, and have stormed off the episode in protest without even doing their jobs as the losing chefs come out to face the judges.

Robin stands by what she made, claiming she complemented the wine's flavors without dominating them. Toby's main complaint is that there wasn't enough meat on the plate, saying that if he had to pay twelve dollars for it, he'd have been very unhappy. Gee, you'd almost think the challenge called for the chefs to make TASTING PORTIONS. Ass. Ptom has a more legitimate complaint, saying that the texture of the sauce was a little gummy. Ash admits that upon hearing what everyone else was making, he began to worry that his was too simple. So again, he's basing the entire concept of his food on the work of others. Ptom says that simple food is fine, but the chef still has to develop flavor out of it, which Ash didn't. Ash unwisely describes his original idea, which Cliff says would have been a much better direction to go in. Laurine liked the idea she had, but says that she ran out of time before she could get the rillette done. Cliff asks her about her preparation methods, and when she talks about braising in chicken stock, he corrects her to say that rillettes are poached in fat, which is where all the flavor comes from. Laurine doesn't have much to say to that. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. Robin had no pork flavor in her dish, and missed the mark on her wine pairing. Toby hated her sauce. Ash's dish was totally amateur, and he didn't even make his overly-basic food correctly. Laurine's rillette wasn't a rillette, and what she did make was dry and off-putting. The judges make a decision.

Interstitial. Isn't Robin stupid and ugly and old and useless? Let's round up a group of villagers with torches and pitchforks to tell her so!

Elimination. Laurine goofed her food and her pairing. Ash has no confidence, and his dish fell completely flat. Robin was stingy with the meat. Ptom hands it over to Padma for the chop. Ash. Please pack your knives and go. Yeah, it's his time. I like him, but he's become way too focused on how out of his league he is, to the point that it became true. He's glad for the opportunity to have met such amazing chefs, and regrets not sticking with his original idea. He smilingly says that he'll feature the pork with polenta and cherry sauce on his menu when he gets back home, and will invite all of the judges except Padma over to taste it. Ouch! Kitty's got claws!

Overall Grade: C-

Ashes, Ashleys, They All Fall Down

Top Chef - Season 6, Episode 7

Previously on Top Chef: Every woe in the world, from swine flu to the My Lai massacre, was Robin's fault. Kevin once again floated to the top, while Ron fell out of the bottom. Ten chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening credits. Sickness is still sweeping through our viewing party, so it was a small gathering. Good thing, because LabRat had taken some of my butter without telling me, so I didn't have enough to make chocolate chip cookies, and had to substitute margarine. The results were less than stellar.

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Ash has picked up Jesse's insecurity about not attending culinary school. Not that I think schooling is the end-all, be-all approach to every career, but based on what I've seen from Ash over the past six episodes, he's right to worry. Michael prioritizes food over everything. He mentions his two children, but I'm not sure if the take-away message is that he focuses on his career over them or not. That was weirdly presented. In other news, Jenc is a bit ill.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs arrive in the Kitchen, to be met by Padma and guest judge Tyler Florence. Padma plugs a website that is a repository of recipes for at-home cooks. I don't use the one they mention, so I'll plug allrecipes.com instead, because it's great. The Quickfire will be to pull a slot machine for three words that will give the chefs a mood, a taste/texture, and a style of cuisine to work in. I'll give Laurine's example, so you can get a sense of what things are coming up on the machine. "Romantic", "tart", and "Latin American".

LabRat: "Everything Laurine isn't."

Other terms that pop up include spicy, Asian, umami, Middle Eastern, and blue (the mood, not the color). Padma sends them off with thirty minutes to get their dishes ready. People cook. Absolutely nothing interesting is cooked, done, or said, except for Eli's laughably trite assertion that he doesn't care what people think about him, and that he's looking out for "number one". What does Kevin have to do with anything? Oh, he's referring to himself. Funny, you'd think the number one chef would win a challenge here and there. I suppose I should be impressed that he managed to get all that out without resorting to the actual phrase.

Time runs out. Padma and Tyler go down the line. Mike has no experience with Asian cuisine, but has managed to put out a raw mushroom salad with shiso and ginger. Laurine has made a crusted goat cheese salad with orange jalapeno vinaigrette, and has accented it with hibiscus flowers. Ash has thrown everything but the Kitchen sink into a pasta puttanesca. Michael is trying to branch out by making dessert. He's made a yuzu curd with whipped Greek yogurt and a seaweed cracker. Eli has put together a mushroom ceviche with marbled avocado. Tyler doesn't offer any initial feedback. Kevin, like Mike, has no Asian cooking background, but has made char-grilled pork with a Vietnamese herb salad. Bryan has seared scallops with some bok choy and beads of tempura. Robin tried to go Middle Eastern with a root vegetable hash with cumin and curry oil. Padma snipes that curry isn't really a Middle Eastern type of ingredient. Robin admits that maybe she blurred the cultural lines too much. Ashley has made feta pudding with some sumac-dusted halibut. Finally. Every plate of food I've seen so far has been incredibly dull and boring, save this one. I'd like to try that dish. Jenc has Maine diver sea scallops with pistachios and salmon roe on top.

Results. First in the bottom three is Robin, whose curry with salt doesn't evoke Middle Eastern flavors. Eli killed his mushroom flavor with citrus. He's welcome to start backing up that bluster of his any time now. Christ, Mike may be a pain, but at least he generally puts out good food. Jenc's "adventurous" use of salmon roe on top of scallops isn't new at all, according to Tyler. Now, to the good news. Mike's plate was light, fresh, and clean. Kevin overcame his unfamiliarity with Asian food. Michael's flavor profile was spot-on. The ultimate winner is Kevin, whose dominance shows no signs of slowing. This is a high-stakes Quickfire, so Kevin gets to decide between immunity and $15,000. Kevin reasonably assumes that the judges love pretty much everything he makes, so he opts for the cash. Padma wraps up by telling the chefs before the Elimination Challenge is discussed, they can go back to the Resort for a home-cooked meal.

Commercials. "Pretzels are made to be shared." Could someone tell LabRat that?

Mike, who has apparently never seen a single episode of a single reality show before he came here, has taken Padma at her word, and is looking forward to a little down time. The chefs come home to discover their place stocked with dishes and ingredients, so they catch the snap about who's going to prepare that home-cooked meal Padma mentioned. Speak of the devil, Padma comes up the walk, wearing an extremely ill-advised green pantsuit. She brings everyone outside, where she explains this week's Elimination Challenge. Tyler is back, along with a few more guest judges: Nancy Silverton, Govind Armstrong, Takashi Yagihashi, and Tom Douglas, all of who are restaurateurs. The challenge is to cook a meal, family-style, right there in their own kitchen. Each of the restaurateurs carries a bag of ingredients, and each of the chefs will draw knives to see which bag they'll get. There are five bags and ten chefs, so they'll be working in pairs, which work out to be:

Laurine/Bryan
Kevin/Jenc
Michael/Ash
Eli/Ashley
Mike/Robin

These are some hilariously mismatched pairs. Obviously, Mike and Robin are the pinnacle of dysfunction, but there's something incongruous about Michael/Ash and Laurine/Bryan, too. Really, the only one that makes perfect sense is Kevin/Jenc; it'll be interesting to see if the two golden children can retain their luster when they're thrown together.

Padma gives everyone two and a half hours to cook. The first order of business is to claim some space in the cramped kitchen. Mike bitches and moans in interview about working with Robin. Michael and Ash can't get any kitchen space, so they'll be working in the dining room with woks. They get started on a fennel ravioli. Kevin and Jenc are out on the balcony. Their bag contains mostly Asian condiments, so they can go in any number of directions. Ashley wants to make more gnocchi, since she's had success with that before. Mike and Robin's ingredients are very Asian, and while she has more experience in that area of cuisine, he's sure as hell not about to hand over any control to her. Let a weak, old, woman dictate the menu? Nevah! Jenc is feeling better after her illness and poor Quickfire performance. She throws herself with renewed zeal into a tomato chutney with chicken stock.

Meanwhile, Ash happily allows himself to be railroaded by Michael at every turn. In a team-building sense, it's very positive, but in a show-us-your-skills sense, there is absolutely nothing of Ash in the food. Which, given the track records of these guys so far, isn't a horrible idea. In a similar vein, Mike takes the dominant role on his team, which Robin is fine with, as long as she gets some input. Mike mostly ignores her. Is it me tonight? Am I just in a mood? Or is this really as tiresome an episode as it seems?

Commercials. So I guess Chevy Chase is officially back now.

Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste in as unwise an outfit as Padma had on. I know we're in Vegas, but that doesn't give everyone carte blanche to don such tacky clothes. Eli and Ashley tell him they're putting prawns on their gnocchi, and he just stares at them. Eli wonders what kind of feedback that is, and Ptom replies that it's not feedback at all. EXACTLY. I don't call it ptimewasting for nothing. Robin and Mike give no inkling of the bubbling well of resentment building up in their team. Michael and Ash (well, Michael) explains the deconstructed carbonara they're putting together. Once he's done with his walkthrough, Ptom comes outside and tells us that the chefs that are able to make things that are the least detriment to their dishes will have an advantage. Wow, really? Thanks for that stunning insight! Let me write that down under "The hard part about shucking clams is knowing how to do it," and "I want to do something quick [for the Quickfire]." I learn so much from this show.

Ash, who has nothing to do and no ideas to contribute, wanders downstairs to set the table for dinner. You know, I started this season really liking him (and that Into the Woods reference was a gem), but as we progress, I'm finding him more and more out of his league. For all the talk about how useless Robin is (some passive-aggressively coming from Ash himself), at least she's trying. Speaking of not trying, Eli pusses out on cooking the prawns, so even though Ashley was in charge of making all the gnocchi, she gets to cook the protein as well. Bad news strikes Michael and Ash, because with all the appliances running at the same time, they trip the circuits powering their woks. The fish isn't done cooking, and one sure way to ruin fish is by cooking it, cooling it, then cooking it again. Unfortunately, they don't really have any choice. The judges get seated for dinner. Mike pissily disapproves of the way Robin is cooking the tuna. Ashley tells Eli to season the gnocchi, and when he brings them out, she finds them way too salty. Time winds down, and everyone plates their food.

The judges sip wine. The chefs bring out all the food. Eli and Ashley have grilled prawns with a red beet/creme fraiche sauce, the aforementioned gnocchi, and kale. Mike describes his and Robin's food, but says "I" everywhere he should be saying "we". No surprises there. They've made marinated mushroom and a pickled Asian pear roll with seared tuna and scallops. Bryan and Laurine, who have been utterly ignored this entire episode, have made pan-roasted halibut with a sherry-chorizo vinaigrette, a yellow corn cake, and an avocado mousse. Kevin and Jenc have lightly barbecued kobe beef. Kevin's done the meat, and Jenc has made the tomato/cardamom/ginger broth it rests in. Michael has made a pancetta-wrapped halibut with egg yolk ravioli. Ash has tossed together some asparagus and fennel for a salad. Wow, complicated. Not one of the dishes presented is one that I actively want to try. The chefs are dismissed, and the diners dig in.

Michael and Ash's food is alternately undercooked (pancetta) and overcooked (halibut). Laurine and Bryan's halibut is much more successful. Ashley and Eli's gnocchi are too salty, and the prawns are undercooked. Kevin and Jenc's food is balanced and tasty. Mike and Robin did a good job, as well. The chefs begin their fret 'n sweat early. Bryan comes over to check in on Michael, who's not happy with what he put out tonight.

Interstitial. Robin talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks.

Fret 'n Sweat 2: Electric Boogaloo. Michael is especially worried. Padma comes back to the Kitchen, and summons Laurine, Bryan, Kevin, and Jenc to Judges' Table. Predictably, these are the winning teams. The judges ascertain that Kevin was responsible for the kobe beef, while Jenc made the sauce. They really liked everything about the dish. It's weird that Laurine and Bryan made it into the top, as the editors studiously avoided showing us any of the process that got them there. Laurine explains that she made the corn cake, while Bryan cooked the fish. Ptom likes how they picked and chose from the ingredient bag, while Tyler enjoyed the chorizo-sherry vinaigrette. Tyler gets to announce the challenge's winner, and Jenc's sauce carries the day. She wins a gift card to Macy's which she generously plans to share with Kevin. Back in the Kitchen, Bryan tells the remaining chefs that the judges want to see Michael, Ash, Eli, and Ashley. Once they're gone, Kevin asks Bryan about what led Michael and Ash's dish astray. He's just thinking out loud, but Bryan spits that he's tired of dissecting other people's plates, and that Kevin has no way to judge a dish that he didn't even taste. Yikes. I mean, kudos for trying to back up your sibling, but still.

Limecrete: "I can see him just snapping one day, and going completely crazy."
Tiffany: "One day?!? It's going to happen before the end of the season."

Both the Odd Asian Music and the Gong are so bored with this episode, they've fallen asleep, and neither one shows up to do its job when the losing chefs enter the judging room. Michael explains that the overcooked fish happened because of a power outage. Tyler snips that they can't accept that as a viable excuse, because he's always doing expensive meals for people in weird places, and would have to come up with something if such an event occurred. Okay, but... Tyler would have a gaggle of helpers, and he'd be allowed to rush out and buy additional ingredients or equipment, so it's not really comparable. That, and Michael was offering the power outage as a reason, not an excuse. There's a difference. Ptom offers a more reasonable criticism in that he thinks a different type of fish would have worked better in their dish.

Curiously, Ash volunteers -- without any questions from the judges -- that he had absolutely no input into their food. It's not even in a blame-Michael-for-having-bad-ideas way. It's a I-couldn't-have-done-any-better way. Strange. He compares Michael to Picasso (which, let's not go nuts), and says it was an honor to play second fiddle to him. Ptom says it sounds like Ash is asserting that he's only fit to go so far in the competition. Normally, I hate it when Ptom says stuff like that, because I feel like he should focus on food, not attitude. That said, I'm with him on this one. Ash back-pedals a bit, and says he can execute food just as well as any other competitor. Eli and Ashley's prawn was undercooked. Ashley cops to that, saying that she was fearful of overcooking them. The gnocchi was over-salted, and probably shouldn't have even been served. That would have made for a sad little plate of food. No matter how good their concept was, Ptom says it didn't work out in execution. The chefs are dismissed. Back in the Kitchen, Michael thanks Ash for being so nice in his defense of the team.

Deliberations. Ash is lazy. Michael's ideas didn't work out, and the fish was overcooked. Toby parrots Tyler's line about a power outage not being an excuse out in the real world, but back in the Kitchen, Michael brings up my previous point: In the real world, he'd have more resources to fix it. Ptom suspects Eli is the culprit for the salty gnocchi, but Ashley is to blame for part of it, plus all of the undercooked prawn. Nothing is ever made of the fact that Eli played a back-burner role, similar to Ash's.

Elimination. The judges look stern. Toby wears ugly sunglasses, like he thinks he's Bono. Ashley messed up the prawn, and made the gnocchi. Michael's concept was fine, but his execution was off. Not a word is said to Eli or Ash before Ptom gives it over to Padma for the chop. Ashley. Please pack your knives and go. She thanks the judges for the opportunity. In her final interview, she has the very healthy attitude that there's no way to make a mistake at this point in the competition and not reasonably expect to go home. It doesn't define who you are as a chef, but it's more than fair to lose this particular contest. She tears up as she gets her good-bye hugs, as does Jenc. Ashley has learned a lot from the experience, and is looking forward to what comes next. Well, I wish her luck. I also wish that this season would pick up, because that? Was tedious.

Overall Grade: C

Brokedown Shallots

Top Chef - Season 6, Episode 6

Previously on Top Chef: The chefs went camping, to the dismay of many of them. Ron hacked a coconut. Bryan picked up steam, winning yet another Elimination Challenge. Ptom spit Mattin's food out, and the competition spit Mattin out. Eleven chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening credits. When in doubt, blueberry muffins are always a crowd-pleaser. Don't tell anyone at the viewing party how easy they are, or they won't be impressed with me anymore. Speaking of the viewing party, I have to admit that Tiffany is responsible for the entry title this week. I wish I could take credit, because it made me LOL, as the kids say.

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Apparently, Mattin has left behind a crate of his trademark red neckerchiefs, and the rest of the chefs decide to wear them as a tribute to their eliminated friend. He was a popular guy, and nobody was happy to see him go, especially when Robin was ripe for elimination. The general consensus (voiced by Mike and Jenc here) is that she's not nearly a good a chef as Mattin is, and they can't understand why she's still hanging around, while more accomplished chefs have been chopped. Well, why don't I just go ahead and quote myself? "Um, because this is a competition in which your performance in particular challenges determines if you advance or not, regardless of overall skill? Is this a surprise to anyone?" Robin is well aware of her outsider status, but shrugs that her style is intentionally simple, so that's what she's going to stick to.

Quickfire Challenge. Padma laughs at the infusion of red neckerchiefs before introducing this round's guest judge, Michelle Bernstein. Kevin interviews that Michelle has eaten at his place before, and that she enjoys clean, simple flavors. Padma says that for this Quickfire, the chefs will be making a duo of food. One of the dishes will represent that angel that sits on one shoulder, while the other will represent the devil. Not a bad challenge idea! The chefs have one hour, and immunity for the winner is back in play. I wonder why they didn't offer it last week. It seems almost random. Ready? Go!

Chefs scatter. Ash admits he's taking a big risk in attempting a duo of custards. Eli works on a heavy and light scallop duo. There's a horrible Frankenbyte in which they try to make him sound like he's bragging. Seriously, that quote came from about three different speeches, and was the most amateur sound editing I've heard in a while. Maybe that's why you guys don't win Emmys, Toby. Robin interviews that when she was diagnosed with cancer, she had to give up a lot of sugar, so her angel/demon inspiration is wanting sweetness, while at the same time realizing that she shouldn't indulge. Bryan thinks he's been overcomplicating Quickfires, so he's attempting to simplify. One of Ash's custards doesn't set. Time runs out, and Michelle and Padma begin to go down the line.

Michael has made a duo of smoked salmon, one of which is more modern, and one more traditional. Tasty, but has nothing to do with angels and devils. Next! For Kevin's angel, he's made a light halibut with veggies, and for the devil, a deviled egg puree with a big, fat piece of bacon. Nice! Ron has made Chilean sea bass with corn hash, and Chilean sea bass with yucca. I defy you to tell me which one is supposed to be angelic, and which one devilish. Ashley has made a light scallop crudo and a viciously salty scallop puttanesca. Eli has also made a scallop duo. One is scallops with a brown butter risotto, and the other has a radish top pesto.

Bryan is the only one to embrace a color theme over the obvious healthy vs. fattening duel, and has made a white dessert (frozen coconut, lychee, and vanilla), and a black one (dark chocolate mousse). Jenc has another scallop duo, one a crudo with olive oil, one with butter. Boring! Next! Ash only finished his devil component, a spicy asparagus custard with pink peppercorn shortbread. Well, I like where his idea was going, anyway. Robin explains that her cancer made her obsess over raw food and healthy eating, so her angelic contribution is an arugula, apple, and fennel salad. Her devilish, sweet-tooth side is a cardamom apple ginger crisp. Laurine has made a chicken and vegetable consomme and a chicken saltimbocca. Boring! Next! Mike has gone to the Greek well again, and has made cucumber yogurt soup, and lamb kabobs. Those both sound great. Michelle finds the lamb dish a bit too salty, but still. I wish he'd stop impressing me with his dishes, because it'd be a lot less complicated to just straight out dislike him.

Results. First in the bottom three is obviously Ash, because you kind of have to finish your food once in a while. Plus, his food was too hot (I'm not sure if she means temperature or spice) and runny. Bryan had a good concept, but poor execution. Laurine had no creative ideas. What, and the three scallop duos, all of which were a play on "This one's healthy, and this one's not!" blew you away? Up in the top three, Michael had perfect execution. Eli's brown butter sauce was great, as was the radish pesto. Robin's salad was a pleasure, and had terrific contrast with the apple crisp. It's time to announce the winner, and for that Michelle wants to pick the person that not only had good food, but most embraced the angel vs. devil theme, and that person is... Robin. She's thrilled. In interview, Eli whines that of course Robin won the Quickfire, because after announcing that she's had cancer, how could she not have?

Oof. That's going to require a sidebar. Let's start with me admitting the obvious things. I don't have to live with these people, and thus don't have to put up with their annoying quirks. I haven't tasted any of their food. From what we've seen so far this season, I have zero problems believing that Robin isn't nearly as sophisticated a chef as some of the others. She appears to make things that I could whip together without much difficulty. And you know what, there is such a thing as using the Cancer card to cultivate sympathy. With all of that said, Eli is offensively wrong here, and it really says something unattractive about his character that he would not only leap to that insulting conclusion, but would think it's a good idea to share with the rest of us (I guess assuming that we'd all agree with him).

Like it or not, this show is set up in such a way as to reward the person that does the best at an off-kilter challenge, and to eliminate the person that does the worst. It doesn't matter if one of you makes scrambled eggs, while the other makes duck a l'orange with citrus foam. If the eggs are good and the duck is bad, the duck chef gets cut. Maybe that isn't the way to find the most talented chef -- in fact, I'm fairly sure it isn't -- but it is the way this particular competition is structured, and after five seasons, you'd think the contestants would realize it. Also, Robin's life experience with cancer legitimately inspired her angel vs. demon dish. It was certainly a hell of a lot more authentic an idea than "Um, this scallop has greens on it, and this one has butter". Her disease has affected the way she cooks and eats, and to me, that's no different than Ashley's poverty, Ron's story of leaving Haiti (for which you'll remember he was lauded, not derided), or Hector trying to give his food a Latin twist.

Here's what really happened here. Robin's unpopular, because she talks too much, and can be loud and annoying, and her food is too simple for her fellow chefs, who equate "complex" with "good". And frankly, there's probably a nasty dose of hating her because she's older mixed in there as well. Eli's embarrassed to be beaten by such a person, and is desperately looking for any excuse that isn't "Her food was better than mine." So he lands on sympathy-baiting, as if Michelle would award the win to food she didn't like, just because she feels sorry for the old lady with lymphoma. "If you like my food, it's because it's good. If you like Robin's food, it's because you pity her." Yeah. It's pretty much the epitome of sore-loserness, with emphasis on the loser.

Anyhow, with that ugliness behind us, we move on to the Elimination Challenge. Padma brings in some more guest judges for the week. It's Penn and Teller. I enjoy them (and the first season of Bullshit! is inching its way to the top of my queue), but I'm going to skip the bit where they do magic for the chefs. Let's get to the challenge. The chefs will draw knives out of the knife block, each of which has a classic dish written on it. The challenge will be to deconstruct that dish. Jenc gets meat lasagna. Michael gets Caesar salad. Ash - shepherd's pie. Robin - New England clam chowder. Eli - sweet and sour pork. Laurine - fish 'n chips. Kevin - chicken mole negro. Bryan - Reuben. Mike - eggs florentine. Ashley - pot roast. Ron - paella. He feels good about it, but I think that his and Jenc's are probably the most difficult of the bunch.

Padma tells the chefs that they'll be serving Michelle, Penn & Teller, and the regular judges, with Toby Young filling in for Gail. Feh. I don't mind mean judges, but the meanness has to be the means to an end, not the end itself. From what I remember of Toby, he tried waaaaaaaaaay too hard to look for insulting things to say. You'll note that when any of the chefs mention Toby, they talk about his attitude, not his experience or knowledge of cuisine. If they were looking for a difficult-to-impress British judge, I wish they'd have gone for Jay Rayner, who did an excellent job on Top Chef Masters.

Commercials. When did Robert Loggia get so... crusty?

Shopping. Bryan explains what a deconstructed dish means. Then he promptly ignores that definition and buys tuna for his reuben. Ron is still confident in his ability to pare down a paella. Jenc doesn't have much (if any) experience with deconstruction, so she just buys everything that goes into a meat lasagna, and will figure out the technique later. Back in the Kitchen, no time is lost before getting started on the two hours of prep time. Mike admits that he doesn't really know what eggs florentine is. Eh? He's spent the past five episodes talking about how advanced a chef he is, and he doesn't know that eggs florentine is just eggs benedict with spinach instead of ham? Jeez. Michael, who has a lot of deconstruction experience, seems to know exactly what to do. He's off to a good start, making his own bread, creating a spherical dressing, and starting on an egg emulsion. Kevin realizes that he's going to face tough competition from Michael and Bryan on this challenge, but wants to prove that he can make a better mole negro than he did last week. The judges didn't have any issues with his sauce in that challenge, but I guess he thinks if he's not in the winners' circle, there's always room for improvement.

Jenc struggles. Her classical training has not prepared her for this kind of a challenge. She actually begins to lose it a bit, crying over her pans as she frantically searches for ideas. Ron is convinced he's got this challenge in the bag, although Eli notes that Ron isn't so much deconstructing a paella as he is just making an alteration or two. Ashley says that she didn't eat a lot of pot roast growing up, what with the poverty, but she loves the flavor. What she doesn't love is the texture, so that's her target for this challenge. Meanwhile, the piece of shit pressure cooker that Eli has brought from home explodes, sending wads of pork everywhere. Bryan is the only one hit, and he's far too zen to make a big deal out of it.

Robin casually works on her deconstructed clam chowder, secure in her immunity. She happily chatters away to herself, driving the chefs around her crazy. Laurine, in particular, is in no mood. The chips she's making for her fish 'n chips aren't getting crispy enough, so she's standing over the fryer, babysitting them. Robin asks her to pull a pan out of the oven and that, combined with her immunity and the annoying babbling, has Laurine ready to toss Robin in the fryer with her chips. Of course, Laurine could have said "Sorry, but I have to watch my own food right now," instead of caving and then seething about it, but whatever. Ptom drops by for what I'm just now realizing is his first Ptimewaste of the season. It also serves as a reminder as to how much I didn't miss it. Hilariously, Jenc keeps fleeing from one side of the Kitchen to the other to avoid talking to him. He eventually corners her, and she attempts to come up with a reasonable explanation of what she's doing. Her beet red face gives her away. Time winds down.

That night, Kevin and Eli try to talk Ron through how he might approach deconstruction, but he's just not getting it. Laurine bitches and moans to the others about how annoying Robin is. She's got a lot better reason to be frustrated than Eli, but after the rest of this episode, I just can't get behind any more Robin-bashing.

Interstitial. A shocking number of the chefs have no idea what eggs florentine is, and anyone I just spotted admitting that no longer gets to crow about how advanced and sophisticated a chef they are. I've taken down names.

The next day, Jenc interviews about how nervous she is. She appears to be the first contestant to realize that no matter how many times you're in the winners' circle, you're judged anew on each dish, so anyone could go. Thank you! I'm glad at least one of them gets it. The chefs are driven to the restaurant where they'll be serving, and have one hour to finish up their food. The judges get seated out in the dining room. Mike and Michael will be serving first. Michael is cool as a cucumber, while Mike curses his sloppy presentation. He's happy with the flavors, though. They go out to present. Michael's Caesar salad looks amazing. The encapsulated dressing (I think it's encapsulated in Parmesan, but I'm not sure) can be cracked like an egg, which is extremely clever. That's not even including the homemade brioche and warm Parmesan jelly. I know I beat up on him for his smarmy attitude last week, but there's a lot to be said for such an impressive plate. Mike's eggs florentine is braised kale with an egg emulsion and some crispy phyllo. He wasn't kidding about the crappy presentation. Toby nails it as being a reinvention, rather than a deconstruction. Everyone really likes the Caesar salad, though.

Next up are Laurine and Bryan. Laurine chips are too soggy, and she's working to get them crispier. She throws them in the oven, and they burn, so now she's down to about a dozen usable chips. Isn't it odd how the chefs who have spent this episode slamming Robin for doing overly simplistic food can't manage the simplest parts of their dishes? Uncanny! She and Bryan go out to present. Bryan giggles over the fact that he's serving Penn, who's a fairly large guy, this tiny plate of food. His "Reuben" includes tuna, warm mayonnaise, shallots, fried capers, the essence of Thousand Island flavors, gruyere cheese, and rye bread. Hey, remember three seconds ago, when Mike was taken to task for having a "reinvention" rather than a "deconstruction"? I'm here to tell you, if your "Reuben" doesn't have corned beef or even a hint of sauerkraut, it's not a Reuben in any sense of the word. Laurine has oil-poached halibut, some zucchini relish, a bit of tomato confit, and what's left of her parsley chips. Neither her fish nor chips go over well. The fish is dry and overcooked, and Teller has to chew his chip like cud to get it down. The foodie judges are in love with Bryan's "Reuben", and I'm grateful to Penn for taking more of a sensible, Everyman position by saying that while it tasted good, it wasn't a Reuben.

Ash and Jenc are up next. The main potato component to Ash's dish (a parsnip puree) hasn't worked out, and has a gummy texture. "Here's what I wanted to do, and here's why it didn't work," is fast becoming Ash's main character arc. He replaces the parsnip with a pea puree. Jenc is still very shaky about her food, and fears elimination. She likes the flavors, but is disappointed in it, overall. Ash's deconstructed shepherd's pie is pan-seared lamb chops with leeks, glazed carrots, a pea puree, and some Madeira jus. Jenc's lasagna has homemade pasta, flat iron steak, a mascarpone bechamel, Parmesan crisp, and tomato sauce. I am forced to point out that like a lot of past contestants, she mispronounces mascarpone. It's gotten to the point where we should probably just change the word to marscapone, since that's what everyone's instinct is. Of course, this is the same woman who says se-VEECH, so maybe we shouldn't be in such a hurry to amend the dictionary. Lingual issues aside, Jenc has once again knocked the challenge out of the park. Nobody has a bad thing to say about her lasagna. Ash, on the other hand, gets plenty. Some of his meat is undercooked. Some of his meat is overcooked. His dish completely lacked a potato element, which is necessary in shepherd's pie.

Up next are Ron and Eli. Ron can't get his rice as crispy as he wants it. That's the least of his problems. His paella has seafood, lemon, herb oil, chayote, and peas. Eli's sweet and sour pork is pork rillettes with a broccoli puree, raw broccoli salad, and a sweet and sour sauce. The judges dig in. Ron's is a mess from top to bottom. His rice is overcooked, yet not crispy, and his concept doesn't represent any sort of deconstruction. Eli's food tastes good, though Toby says that it's visually unappealing, which I agree with. He compares them to bull testicles, which Padma proudly brags about having sampled.

Penn: "I'll bet."
LabRat: "He's going after her, now that she's single."

I'm just happy the bull testicles aren't showing up on her dress this time. Next to serve are Ashley and Kevin. Neither of them are entirely happy with their presentations. That seems to be a theme for the evening. Ashley's pot roast is seared strip loin with potato puree, some crispy shallots, celery salad, and a carrot foam. Kevin's chicken mole negro has a gazillion components, so I'll just report what the subtitles see fit to include, which is a chicken thigh croquette, Mexican coffee fig jam, and a pumpkin/sunflower seed romesco. Both of them are given heavy praise. They both delivered wonderful plates of food, in the judges' estimation.

Robin is last to serve, which is weird. Who wraps up a dinner with soup? She gives the Standard Speech. Instead of soup, she's made a fennel flan with potato-crusted clams, and some crushed bacon. Well, I'll say she had good ideas as far as deconstruction goes. Unfortunately, it doesn't work out flavor- or texture-wise. Padma thanks Penn and Teller, and adjourns the table.

Commercials. I love Ricky Gervais, but it's almost impossible to build a big movie around him.

Fret 'n sweat. It lives up to its name, as Ash frets about his plate, and Jenc sweats over the fact that her dish didn't live up to her standards. Padma comes back, and summons Ashley, Michael, Kevin, and Jenc to Judges' Table. I guess it's time for Jenc to lower her standards! She lets out a sigh of relief when it's revealed that she, along with the others, of course, are in the winners' circle. Michael did a perfect job of deconstruction. Ashley's pot roast was new and exciting. Hey, where's the Eli interview in which he says that the only reason she's in the winners' circle is because the judges feel sorry for her growing up poor? I must have missed it. Every one of Kevin's little ingredients was necessary, and worked well. Jenc's simplicity worked in her favor, and Ptom was impressed she was able to overcome the nerves she had during his Ptimewaste. I'll throw in my traditional whine here that no matter how nervous or scatterbrained or pissy or hysterical a chef is during the preparation, it shouldn't figure into the final judging on their food, and although it's irrelevant in this particular case, it's one of the main problems I have with this show's structure.

Michelle gets to announce the winner, and it is... Kevin. He wins a set of non-stick cookware, and appears to be happy about it, although I have to think that he's probably set for pans back at home. I'll take them off his hands, if he wants. He vows to trust his instincts, as it always seems to serve him well. Padma asks him to send back the losers. Back in the Kitchen, Ash passive-aggressively attacks Robin for making simple food. OH MY FUCKING GOD, ENOUGH WITH THIS. And Ash? Perhaps you could save the sanctimonious speeches until after you're actually able to finish some food on time. Just a thought. The winners come back, and Kevin shows off his new acquisition. Michael tells them the judges want to see Laurine, Ron, and Ash. Curiously, the Odd Asian Music is back with us after being absent for so long. I guess his friend the Gong missed him.

Ash's shepherd's pie was lacking the potato aspect it needed. Ash spins his usual excuses about how his food didn't come together how he'd hoped. Ptom's bigger problem is with the inconsistency of the cooking on the lamb chops. Ash pageants that he's got a lot to offer and can give the other chefs a run for their money. Laurine admits that the challenge was difficult for her, because deconstructing is not something she normally does. She gets a point for knowing what was wrong with her food before the judges tell her, which they always like to see. Ptom says that the dish was "tentative", and Laurine freely says that it's not the type of food she typically does. Even if Ron didn't have the hardest dish to deconstruct, which he did, he still had no idea what he was doing. His rice and seafood was all overcooked. Padma says that in addition to having bad food, his bad food wasn't a real manipulation of regular paella. Michelle agrees that if he was going to blow the challenge parameters, he could at least make something taste good. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. Toby gives paella a British pronunciation (pah-EL-uh), and makes fun of Americans for giving it its proper Spanish "ya" sound. He says that we don't say MEH-hee-koh or barth-eh-LOH-na. Michelle pisses that she has a Latin background (not really the point) and thus does give the words, including Barcelona, their accented pronunciations. Toby apologizes.

Limecrete: "Damn, is dinner over? Cause he just got served."
Tiffany: "She thinks he's an ath-hole."

All that aside, Ron screwed up both the concept and the execution of his food. Ash served bad tomatoes, couldn't cook his meat consistently, and should have had potatoes. Toby says that Ash's dish is the one he'd least like to eat again. They do grudgingly give him a point for realizing what was wrong with his food. Laurine's fish was dry, and she was uncomfortable with the challenge, which translated into her food. The judges make a decision.

Elimination. None of the bottom three did a good job of deconstructing their dish. Ron didn't depart from the original, and just flat-out served bad food. Laurine didn't offer enough chips. Ash's food didn't resemble shepherd's pie. We go over to Padma for the chop. Ron. Please pack your knives and go. Yeah, it was time. He seems like a wonderful guy, but was completely at sea with this challenge. No pun intended. In his final interview, he talks about the accomplishments he's achieved since he got to America. This experience has been fun for him, but he's looking forward to all the stuff that awaits. He gets his good-bye hugs, and walks out the door, leaving behind the whitest season we've ever seen.

Overall Grade: B-

Not-So-Jolly Ranchers

Top Chef - Season 6, Episode 5

Previously on Top Chef: You could see the Eiffel Tower from every window. Jesse got the booting that had been coming since the season kicked off, while Hector couldn't get his steak to cook properly, and paid the price. Twelve chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening credits. Sickness felled the viewing party, so again it was left to LabRat and me. Cheese and wine made their usual appearances, but an empty pantry meant I couldn't scrape up more for dinner than a tuna fish sandwich and some pickles. Well-seasoned tuna, but tuna nonetheless.

Monday Morning Quarterback session. In an odd turn, tonight will feature a lot of quotes from Michael about how awesome he and his circle of friends, family, and coworkers are. None of these irritating boasts have anything to do with the actual episode, so I'm unsure why they're included. I'm just the messenger. We kick off tonight with one of them, as he wonders why Hector (who he deems a strong chef) was kicked off, while Robin (who he deems a weak chef) is still sticking around. Um, because this is a competition in which your performance in particular challenges determines if you advance or not, regardless of overall skill? Is this a surprise to anyone?

He goes on to say that he feels the strongest chefs in the competition are Mike, Bryan, and himself. How convenient that the best chefs are also the ones he has worked with, is related to, and is! That's uncanny! I suppose we're not meant to remember that of the eight challenges we've seen so far, Kevin, Jenc, or Kevin and Jenc have completely dominated. So that happened. In other news, Mattin vows to concentrate harder, after being spanked in the challenges at which he should have excelled. Ashley misses her family, which makes sirens go off all over the room. It's mitigated somewhat by the fact that her niece was just born, so it's not just general melancholy.

Quickfire Challenge. We continue in the vein of Top Chef Masters competitors filling in as guest judges, as the chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma and Tim Love. His expertise is incorporating rural Tex-Mex food into fine dining, so I think we can all guess what the challenges might involve tonight. Padma says that for the first time in the show's history, the viewing audience got to pick the Quickfire ingredient of focus. I admit I rarely pay attention to those stupid polls, and never vote in them, though I am happy about the results. The viewers were asked to choose from "snake", "cactus", or "kangaroo". Cactus won out, and it pleases me because it presents an actual challenge. Even if a chef has never worked with snake or kangaroo, meat is meat. In a broad sense, of course. There are all sorts of special ways to work with individual meats, but if I gave you a hunk of emu, and all you've ever cooked is chicken, I'd bet you could still work something out. Cactus requires more thought, and not only because of the spines, which Tim warns the chefs to watch out for.

Padma tells the chefs they'll have forty-five minutes to make a dish with cactus. The winner will score $15,000, but nobody gets immunity this time around. Ready? Go! Neither Michael nor Mattin has ever worked with cactus. Michael reasons that because he's been strong in previous Quickfires, he's got a good chance to win this one. Between this and the earlier comment about why Robin is still in the competition while Hector isn't, I think it's time for someone to gently sit him down and explain how this whole thing works. Mike knows a lot more about cactus than most of the others, explaining to us that the way you get the goo out of the flesh is to cure it, as you would with salmon.

Mattin frets over the spines and goo, but thinks that he may somehow be able to pair the cactus with tequila. Laurine isn't sure how to highlight the cactus, so she's using it as a component in a style she's more comfortable with. Ash works on a sope, but can't find a tortilla press in the Kitchen. Man, if only there were a way to flatten things without a specialized piece of equipment! Ron has no idea what he's doing, but hopes to hide the cactus in a sauce. Everyone plates their food, and time runs out.

Padma and Tim go down the line. Laurine has put the cactus into a salsa, which she then put on top of an achiote-glazed pork chop. Kevin likes to make jams and marmalades. He has a cactus marmalade that he's used with pork tenderloin. Tim finds it kind of slimy. Kevin shrugs that he always finds cactus kind of slimy. I heard somewhere that you should cure it, as you would with salmon. Michael has made an avocado roll with a cactus coconut ceviche and a red cactus coulis. Ashley has taken a bit of a risk by turning the cactus into a dessert. She's made cactus jelly donuts with an orange creme anglaise. I have to say that of all the Quickfire dishes, this is the one I'd most want to try.

Mike has created a very appealing presentation of alternating tuna and cactus slabs. It's a cactus and tuna ceviche, accented with pipian (pumpkin seeds, basically). The side relish doesn't go over well, but Tim likes the rest. Ron has made chipotle swordfish with cactus sauce, and a mango/papaya/crab salad on the side. Bryan has a halibut and cactus ceviche with some tempura cactus. Two minor asides. Aside #1: That tempura is the second thing I'd want to try. Aside #2: I know time constraints must figure a lot into this, but enough with the goddamn ceviches, you guys. Ash has done a play on grilled cheese with the cactus. Frankly, it looks disgusting. Tim takes a bite, and judging from the look on his face, we won't have to wait until the results to know at least one person that'll end up in the bottom three. Jenc has made a warm chorizo and cactus salad with some queso fresco. Yum. Mattin has really gone whole hog with the cactus. There's a warm, red cactus puree, some breaded cactus, and halibut with lime/tequila-pickled cactus.

Results. First in the bottom three is Ash, unsurprisingly. Michael's dish was a trainwreck of flavors. That's impossible! Michael is one of the most talented chefs in this competition! Just ask Michael! Ron's fish was overcooked and the crab was almost rancid. Eeeeeeeew. Robin makes a face like, "Sucks to be him." Now, for the good news. Laurine had great flavors. Mike is announced, and he does the rock and roll fingers, because he can't even get good news without being obnoxious. Mattin also makes fists of jubilation when he makes the top tier, though in his case, it's more of a "Really? Yay!" gesture than a "Tremble in fear at my awesomeness!" one. He and Mike were the only two competitors to really showcase the cactus. As such, the winner is... Mike. And yeah, he's a tool, and I wouldn't want to hang out with him, but based on what I saw, he more than deserves it. Michael sniffs that while Mike certainly earned the win, he (meaning Michael) would rather put together good flavors than learn to take the goo out of cactus. Well, zero out of two ain't bad. Oh, wait. Yes, it is.

Commercials. One of the Real Housewives of Who Gives A Crap apparently has a "music" "career". Gwen Stefani had better watch her back.

Elimination Challenge. The chefs will be preparing lunch outdoors for Tim and twenty-four cowboys at a nearby ranch. The chefs may make anything they like, so long as it's high-end. As in the military challenge, the chefs don't know what equipment they'll have to work with. For an additional little kick in the pants, the chefs will be spending the night at the ranch. Jenc's mind is visibly whirling with ideas. The chefs will have an hour and fifteen minutes to get all the food ready. Shopping. Everyone tries to balance their lofty ideas for food with more practical ideas of what they'll have to cook with. Michael's poor placement in the Quickfire has not affected his ability to pat himself on the back at all.

After shopping, the chefs are driven to the ranch, where they discover tents set up around a bunch of fire pits. They act shocked, though I'd wager that most of them knew this was coming. There are a few pans, utensils, and utility ingredients, but not much. Michael carps that these aren't ideal conditions, either for the cooks or for the food. He's increasingly getting on my nerves, but I can't argue with that. We hear about the various outdoorsy experiences of some of the chefs, but they're all boring. Eli wants nothing to do with camping. Yes, sticking to the indoors is a proud tradition of our people. Ron sets up a formation of sticks that he tells Ash is a voodoo method of keeping snakes away from their tent. Ash shrugs that anything done to keep snakes away is something he can endorse.

That evening, around the fire, the possibility of getting attacked by wild animals is discussed. Someone worries about bears. "Bears? Bears are sweet!" Ash says, sending a secret coded joke out to all of the musical theater fans in the audience. It's one of my favorites! Everyone makes it a fairly early evening, tucking themselves into tents that don't really look big enough for two people. At least not for anyone that tends to thrash in their sleep. Not that I'm projecting.

Commercials. Who needs Whip It when you can experience the real thing?

Morning. Nobody's looking forward to a day of cooking hot food over open flames in a dusty, scorching desert. As everyone gets started, we're treated to a mini-montage of how frustrated and irritable everyone is. We could have seen more, but why would we want to watch something relevant to the challenge at hand when that would have cut into the five minutes of snide, condescending interviews from Michael tonight? RoboBryan says that as long as he sticks to his timeline, he'll be fine. Ashley hopes to even out the temperature of the open flame by covering the pit with cast iron pans. Mattin tells us that he's making three types of ceviche. Oh, goody. More ceviche. Plus, you'll remember that ceviche isn't really cooked, so this is Mattin's way of completely ignoring the spirit of the challenge. I guess it's Padma's fault for telling the chefs they could make anything they want.

Ron is also making a ceviche, while saying in the same breath that it's time for him to be on top after all his bottom-dwelling. I'd love to hear how the reasoning behind "I'm going to own this challenge by ignoring its theme" would go. He's using coconuts, and will spin the juice into a mojito to serve alongside his food. What he's actually spinning the juice into is Jenc's face. Michael complains about the challenge some more, then says he's making a play on dashi (kelp) with black cod. He ignores the whole cowboy part of the challenge, saying that a chef doesn't cook according to each customer's tastes. The chef just cooks the way he wants, and hopefully, people will like it. I guess a case could be made for or against that argument. I'd agree that there's only so much you can (or would want to) change about your style of cooking, but I'd also say that the entire point of this show is to see how the competitors can marry their individual styles with the parameters of each wacky challenge. In this case, it doesn't matter, because the challenge isn't "Make Southwestern food". If it were, though, I don't think Michael would be able to get away with a defense that essentially boils down to "I didn't feel like it." It sure didn't work for Tiffani.

Laurine, who often reads my mind, and is thus rising rapidly on my happy list, feels eminently comfortable with Southwestern flavors. She disdains Mattin and Ron, because people who have been spending a hot day on the ranch aren't anxious to sit down to a plate of ceviche. Nailed it! Robin says she avoided using pork or any type of barbecue because it was too "obvious". Given her recent placements, I'd say that obviously popular styles of food may do her some good right now. No sense going out on a limb when you're already on the verge of falling out of the tree. She works on a "drunken prawn" salad. Bryan makes pork loin on corn polenta with some dandelion greens. See? It sounds good and it fits the challenge. No need to focus on one at the expense of the other. Ashley is not enjoying standing over a fire pit on a bazillion-degree day, but is confident in her ability to cook a piece of halibut. Time runs out. A lot of people finish at the last second.

The cowboys arrive. Some look like what you'd think a cowboy would look like. Some look like they've just left the nearest biker bar. One looks like he's taking a break from being a software engineer. And here's a man and woman who look like they were taking a stroll through a botanical garden on a date, and accidentally wound up here. The food is presented. Mike has made a pork gyro, which he gives a hard G, and pronounces to rhyme with "pyro". I was all set to make fun of him for it, but remembered that there's apparently all sorts of variations on that word. Damn it. He serves it with an apple and fennel tzatziki. There's another chef who's lucky the challenge didn't specify regional cuisine. I wish it had, because as it stands, "Make whatever, and feel free to ignore the fire pits" is extremely boring. Eli's made a tuna sandwich with sun-dried tomato mayo and a radish salad. Laurine has fully embraced Southwestern flavors with her sauteed Arctic char with a tomatillo salsa, a corn salsa, and a grilled potato. The judges dig in. Mike stayed in his Greek food rut, and while the gyro tasted fine, it's nothing to write home about. Laurine's food is flavorful, and she actually used the grill as intended. Eli's dish is a wad of blah.

Ash presents a grilled chicken paillard (quickly-cooked, thinly-sliced meat) with a corn succotash. The chicken has been brined and braised with bourbon. Mattin has made a trio of ceviches. There's salmon with apple, spicy tuna, and cod with corn. Robin yells that she's made a grilled romaine salad with spicy chicken sausage and the drunken prawns, that I guess have been stewed in alcohol, though we never hear what kind. The judges start with Mattin's ceviche. Tim is immediately unimpressed, but is outdone by Ptom, who walks a few steps away from the table and spits it out. He out-and-out calls it gross. Unaware of this, Mattin makes a triumphant gesture, convinced that he's hit this one out of the park. Joining him in Grossville is Robin, whose shrimp taste like chlorine, according to Tim. Spew. Unlike Mattin, she knows she's in big trouble. She hadn't tasted the prawns until the judges were already served, and agrees that they're terrible. Ash's chicken is so-so, and his succotash has too much bacon grease, but it benefits from being compared to Mattin and Robin's food, which was awful.

Bryan has followed through on his promise to make roasted pork loin on corn polenta, dandelion greens, and oyster mushrooms. There is also some glazed rutabaga on the side. Jenc has made snapper with a duck confit, all of which is on top of a daikon/carrot/spiced tomato water salad. Ashley has been inspired by a club sandwich, and has made seared halibut with avocado mousse, served on a bed of bacon, tomato, and braised romaine lettuce. The judges say that Bryan's dish is not only appropriate, but perfectly cooked. They also realize the technical challenge of the components he was able to put together. Jenc's slaw is great, and her meat is cooked well. Tim is less impressed than the other judges. Gail says that Ashley's plate is the best food she's made so far. The cowboys enjoy it as well.

Michael gives his cod to a woman who asks if he's got an Asian cooking background. "I've got an everything cooking background," he smarms. Where did this Michael come from, and is it too late to exchange him for the one in the first four episodes? He's made dashi with miso- and mirin-cured black cod, served with watermelon. Though he may be ratcheting up to a new level of assy, that does sound very good. Ron has a tuna ceviche with coconut, lime, and mango, served with a Haitian coconut mojito. The ceviche and drink are served in the two halves of the coconut shell, which is neat. Kevin has roasted duck breast with a pseudo-mole, tops it with a bit of "cold salad" (the components are never mentioned), and finishes with some tequila-marinated watermelon. Interesting. The judges like Ron's ceviche, though Ptom finds it sweet. Nobody likes the cocktail. The word "disgusting" is tossed out. Michael's dish is unexpectedly refreshing and tasty. Kevin's dish is very visually appealing, and has good flavors as well. The meal dispensed with, Padma suggests getting everyone out of the heat. Everyone is only too happy to comply.

Interstitial. Kevin is good at horseshoes. Aren't you happy with the scintillating extra content they give us each week?

Judges' Table. Back at the fret 'n sweat, the chefs agree that something smelled spoiled when they opened the coolers this morning. There's a shot of Robin, so I guess that's why her shrimp sucked so much. Padma comes back to the Kitchen, and asks Laurine, Ashley, Michael, and Bryan to join the judges. Kevin, Mike, and Ron look bitter. Or maybe they're just worried. Padma congratulates the top four on having the favorite dishes of the day. Ptom asks Ashley if being on this end isn't much better than being down at the bottom, and she smilingly agrees. Her fish was cooked perfectly in a difficult environment. Bryan's dish was focused, and was restaurant-worthy food, while still being suited to the desert environment. Laurine knew how to use the grill to her advantage. Tim gives her a backhanded compliment when he tells her that her food's simplicity is what made it shine. Michael wanted to do something non-traditional, given what he knew at the time about the challenge. Ptom liked the flavors, especially because of how unique his components were. Tim gets to announce the challenge's winner, and it is... Bryan, who has won three out of five Elimination Challenges. Wowsers. Not "Wowsers" to winning three out of five challenges, though that is impressive. "Wowsers" to the fact that his face actually cracks into a smile for once.

Bryan gets tepid applause back in the Kitchen. He tries to comfort Michael by complimenting his dish. I don't think Michael's ego really needs the stroking. Ashley tells the chefs that the judges want to see Robin, Ron, and Mattin. She wishes them luck as they trudge out the door. Robin tells the judges that she wanted to do a play on steak and barbecue. Tim points out that it's ridiculous to even attempt to equate sausage and shrimp with barbecued steak. Gail says the shrimp was so bad, the judges worried about the wisdom of eating it. Ouch. Robin admits that she didn't put out good food, and isn't the least surprised to be standing where she is. Mattin, on the other hand, says that he was happy with his food, and doesn't get why he's in the losing group. Ptom tells him that chunks of his cod were raw, and that the overall plate was really poorly constructed. Tim thinks Mattin's food actively made him ill. Double ouch. Ron is here because they need a third name to round out the bottom. That's obviously not what they say, but it is clearly the reason that he's there. His food was fine (if a tad sweet), but the ancillary drink was nasty. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. Ron's ceviche was okay, but his drink was horrible. Tim didn't like the food's presentation, either, which I find silly. I think the coconut shell was clever. The real loser comes down to Mattin and Robin, both of whom gave the judges nearly inedible food. Robin's components had promise, but she didn't know how to put them together at all. She knew her food was bad, but didn't compensate for it. We know that's because she didn't realize it was bad until after the judges got it, but perhaps the judges themselves don't know that. For all that Robin did poorly, she at least knew it was poor, which makes Mattin's disaster even more confusing, since he loved it. That lack of awareness counts more against him than anything. The judges reach a decision.

Elimination. As with last week, there is such an outlier that any suspense is instantly killed. There's bad food, and there's bad food that the chef thinks was just super. Yes, Mattin and his neckerchief will be sailing into the sunset tonight. The judges wish him luck. In his final interview, he admits that maybe ceviche wasn't the best idea when presented with a challenge to serve cowboys, but aside from that, doesn't seem to have taken a single other thing away from this experience. Yawn. What else is on?

Overall Grade: C

Franco American

Top Chef - Season 6, Episode 4

Previously on Top Chef: AMERRRRRRRRRRRRRRICA! The chefs had to work with limited ingredients and equipment. Mike tossed a salad he didn't even care about. Ew, not like that, perv. Michael won the challenge, Mike got pissed that the food he makes actually gets judged, and Preeti got eliminated for her insistence on being a perfectly nice, normal person. Fourteen chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening credits. No viewing party this week, so it was just LabRat and I. That did free me up to make something that doesn't have to travel well, so we had some veggies, rice, and a terrific honey-mustard salmon that is deceptively simple.

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Mike doesn't think he should have been on the bottom in the last challenge, because he's been on the top of every other challenge but one. Erm, no. Leaving aside the easily-destroyed argument that once someone is considered for a win, they must never qualify for Losers' Table, he's still wrong. He was in the top group for the first Elimination Challenge, but hasn't been there since. He rode the other men's coattails to his "win" in the bachelor/bachelorette challenge (in which the judges hated his food), and rode Michael's coattails to his "win" in the Air Force challenge (in which the judges hated his food). Nice try, though. Meanwhile, Robin frets because the first three eliminated contestants were all female, and worries that the boys are going to get swelled heads.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs go to Daniel Boulud's restaurant, where they are met by Ptom and Daniel Boulud himself, sitting in as guest judge this week. Ptom begins an introduction to French food, and how it's always been popular in the United States. Mattin is already grinning, sure he's got any French food challenge in the bag. The one French ingredient that has yet to really catch on here in the States is escargot. Jenc agrees that snail is difficult to cook well, and whoever first looked at one and thought "Yum!" must have been really fucking hungry. And how. Same goes for lobster and sea urchin. Today, the chefs' challenge is to make a dish using snail as the main protein. Daniel cautions that it must also be a new twist on escargot, so whatever is considered a "normal" snail dish is out the window. This is one of those high-stakes Quickfires, which means big news for both the winner and the loser. The winner gets immunity and another advantage that we'll get to later. The loser gets eliminated on the spot. A whole new layer of anxiety settles over the chefs. Ptom starts the forty-five minute countdown, and they all scatter.

Snail murder ensues. Mike is going for a Greek feel to his dish, because snail is a delicacy in Crete. I'm certainly not surprised that he wants to emulate a Cretan. Ba-zing! Kevin explains to us that snail doesn't taste like much of anything, so the background flavors must be boosted by other ingredients. Hector wants to marry escargot with Carribean flavors. Robin accidentally steals Ron's ingredients. She's anxious, having never worked with snail before, and fearing elimination. Over at the other end of the anxiety spectrum, Mattin doesn't have a care in the world. Jesse attempts to escape her sinkhole of despair. People plate up, and time runs out.

The chefs come out in small groups to present their dishes to Ptom and Daniel. Ron has made a French-style snail with caramelized shallots, alcohol, veggies, and some herbs. Jenc has grilled ramps, brussels sprouts, mushrooms, and yuzu with sauteed snail. Jesse has done a play on BLT called an "ELT", consisting of escargot and mache, with fried tomato as the "bread". If nothing else, it's very clever. Laurine has made lemon risotto with sauteed escargot, spinach, a parsley pesto, and some garlic butter. I have to say, I don't know how any of this tastes, but I have yet to see a dish of Laurine's that didn't at least sound really good. She and I are in sync, food-wise. Hector has paired Carribean escargot with pickled mushrooms. He and I are not in sync, food-wise. Robin has done a play off of bagels, lox, and cream cheese. Preach it, sista! I'll see you at shul for High Holidays! You know, if either of us feels like going or is at least guilted into it by our parents. Her plate includes poached escargot with marmalade, gooseberries, and rye toast.

Mattin has made fava bean toast with sauteed escargot, a regional pepper, and anise. Ew. Anise taints everything, but mix it with a pepper, and I'll bet it's even worse. Ashley has made soup and salad, and seems to have just plopped the snail into it. Kevin wanted to do a snail fricassee, and has paired it with mushrooms, brussels sprouts, and for something a little more interesting, a candied bacon jam. Intriguing. Bryan has a fermented garlic, butter-poached escargot with red wine risotto, a spinach emulsion, and some almond froth. Bryan seems like a nice guy and a competent chef, but his food sure leans towards the frou-frou. Michael has braised his snail in veal jus, and serves it with mushrooms and lasagna noodles. Mike has sauteed snail over potato garlic puree, some broth made with ouzo, and a little spring onion, lemon, and olive oil. Sounds good. That's all the dishes we see, and the chefs shuffle out nervously to hear the results.

For obvious reasons, we start with the favorites this time, instead of the bottom-dwellers. Mike's Greek preparation, Kevin's bacon jam, and Jenc's yuzu have elevated them to the top. Jeez, I have nothing against Mike being in the top for this one (his food really did look good), but if anyone gets to brag about ruling challenges, he should look over at the other two. The ultimate winner turns out to be... Kevin. He's happy with the win, and the validation it gives his down-home-flavor techniques. Now, to the bottom three. Jesse is required by law to be in the bottom group, and she's joined by Ashley and Robin. So, woman, woman, and woman. Looks like Robin's fears were well-founded. Rather than just cutting someone right away, Ptom sends the three of them back to the kitchen, giving them twenty minutes to whip together an amuse bouche to save themselves.

They cook. Time runs out. Oddly, all of them have made three plates for two judges. Who's getting that third one? Robin has made a mini avocado soup with yuzu, green apple, mustard relish, and crab. Jesse has a tuna tartare with sorrel, gooseberries, fried bread, and a fried quail egg on top. Ashley has thrown together some foie gras with pineapple, tarragon, and ramps. Foie gras with pineapple? Your ideas interest me, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. Robin's soup was good, but could have used more crab. Jesse's tartare could have used some spice. Ashley's foie gras needed to be cut a little thicker. Fairly minor criticisms, all.

Commercials. Go on the web to learn the winning Quickfire dish. Good idea. Let me pull out my escargot. I just need to move my liquid nitrogen tank out of the way first.

It's time for someone to go home, and to nobody's surprise, it's Jesse. It's almost the merciful thing to do at this point. She's upset and embarrassed to have been on the bottom of the heap yet again, and wants us all to know that she doesn't suck this bad when she's at home. I have no trouble believing it. Cooking skill doesn't equate to skill in marathon speed challenges with weird parameters. Ashley is relieved that she wasn't the one to go, but is using this experience to build her reputation, and being in the bottom sure doesn't help that. Jenc says that with four women in a row being eliminated, the rest of them have to step it up.

Elimination Challenge. Everyone but Kevin will draw a knife from the knife block. Six of them draw classic French sauces, and six of them draw classic French proteins. Mike is stressed, because he has no experience in French cooking. His worry is understandable, but I wish he wouldn't waggle his tongue around like that. It's fairly nasty. Ptom tells the sauce chefs and the protein chefs to pair up to create a six-course meal. Mattin is happy, because this challenge is almost tailor-made to his skills. Of course, so was the escargot challenge, and I don't remember hearing his name up in the winners' circle. I'm sure I must have just been distracted.

The chefs will be cooking for some of the biggest names in French cuisine, none of whom I've ever heard of (except for Hubert Keller, and that's because of this show). That's not a knock against them or their reputations; I'm just interested in a wide range of food styles, and tend not to concentrate on the Names within that style. I get that Americans view classic French techniques as the Holy Grail of the culinary world, but frankly, I feel Asian, Mediterranean, Latin, etc. can be just as valid and sophisticated. The contestants don't feel the same way. They're blown away by the Names they'll be serving. Michael says this may be the most important plate of food he's ever cooked. The chefs will have two hours to cook in the Kitchen, and an additional one hour of prep time on-site. As the winner of the Quickfire, Kevin is not only excused from cooking, but gets to eat with the rest of the diners. It sounds wonderful, though LabRat points out that if the ultimate goal of these chefs is to get important industry people to eat their food, Kevin's missing out on a potentially big opportunity. Oh, well. Who am I to intrude on his happiness?

Ptom gives the chefs ten minutes to pair up. I wonder why Padma's not covering this challenge. Did she have a shampoo or Hardee's commercial to film? Sorry, I'm still not over her snotty attitude from last week. I'll let it go now. Anyhow, the chefs pair up to be Michael/Jenc, Eli/Laurine, Ashley/Mattin, Hector/Ash, Mike/Bryan, and Ron/Robin. The individual proteins and sauces are all thrown at us in kind of a mouth-garbling mess, so we'll leave those alone for now. Everyone heads to the store for half an hour of shopping time with a $200 budget. Ashley suggests asparagus, which Mattin vetoes, saying it doesn't go with their sauce. He'd rather flavor the sauce with bacon. He is, after all, the French One, and must know best. Robin talks and talks and talks and talks, while Ron shops stoically. He tells us that she has a bunch of ideas that veer wildly away from classic French cooking, so he hopes his frog legs and her sauce are judged separately. Sibling rivalry interviews from Michael and Bryan. Zzzzz.

Back in the Kitchen, the chefs spring into their two hours of prep time. Lobster murder ensues. There's been more death in this episode of Top Chef than your average Dexter. Michael butchers rabbits. Ashley massages Mattin's ego about how awesome French food is. He's the French One, you know. Bryan explains his method for cooking trout to Mike. Mike doesn't seem to care that much, concentrating on his bearnaise sauce. He's never made it before, and works with Bryan's guidance to make a deconstructed sauce with all of the ingredients separated. Man, in six seasons, I don't think I've ever seen a contestant indulge in this much coattail-riding. Robin talks and talks and talks and talks. Ron's brain floats away to his Happy Place. As the time winds down, everyone packs up their food for transport.

Interstitial. Mattin drunkenly celebrates his birthday in a very Europy bathing suit.

The next morning, the chefs try to work the butterflies out of their stomachs, without much success. The Names are striking intense fear into their hearts. Ancient Greeks watching this show from Heaven are all like "Damn, we didn't quake this much when Zeus came down to kill or impregnate us." Everyone except Kevin heads to the MGM Grand where they'll be doing their final hour of prep and serving. Robin talks and talks and talks and talks. Ron escapes her and interviews that while he may be trained in French cuisine, French people and Haitian people don't have a great history of getting along. Mike works on his sauce, and begins to back out of the idea when it doesn't come together right away. Bryan tells him to just heat it more, and that they'll be fine.

Eli and Laurine are working with lobster and a sauce that Eli equates to lobster bisque. Yes, please! Laurine tells us that lobster is tough to cook well, as it's easy to overcook it into a rubbery mess. Mattin works on his veloute, hoping to stand out with his use of bacon. Ashley lets him take the lead on their overall plate, but she's extremely nervous about the whole thing. Jenc and Michael fly along on their rabbit with a chasseur. Hector is in charge of the chateaubriand, with Ash making an au poivre (peppercorn) sauce. Hector worries that the meat isn't cooking fast enough. Meanwhile, the judges, Names, an interpreter, and Kevin get seated in the dining room. Ron and Robin get their food plated. Eli makes fun of them in an interview.

Commercials. Yeesh. Top Chef may be the sole watchable show on Bravo this season.

Padma introduces everyone at the table to Ron and Robin, who are serving the first course. The Names seem genuinely pleased to be here. Let's get eating! Ron's frog legs are covered by Robin's meuniere sauce (brown butter, lemon, and parsley). They're served with a lemon confit, some mache, and an arugula salad with fried capers. The judges allow that frog legs are a difficult protein, but find them over-floured and overcooked. The Head Name (Joel Robuchon - who speaks in French throughout) finds the frog leg flavor masked by the sauce. Mike and Bryan are the second course, with warm cured trout and the deconstructed bearnaise sauce. The Names find everything to be simple, yet impressively sophisticated. I'm glad they don't take the time to air both the Head Name's original French critique and the interpreter's English translation of it, but the resulting French-with-subtitles makes it look like everyone at the table speaks fluent French, which is kind of hilarious.

Eli and Laurine go out with the third course, which is the lobster with the bisque-like "Americaine" sauce, a cauliflower puree, and a touch of raw cauliflower on top. In general, it goes over well, but loses some points on the details. The lobster is a bit tough and the sauce isn't as flavorful as it should be. Still, it's not bad for a couple of American rubes who don't know which end of the Eiffel Tower is up. Ashley and Mattin are the fourth course. They've made seared poussin (young chicken) with the veloute sauce, some ravioli, and green asparagus. Ashley's poussin is bland, while the bacon overpowered Mattin's sauce.

Michael and Jenc are the fifth course, with rabbit and the chasseur sauce. It's paired with a little mustard noodle and shiso leaf. The judges like it a lot, saying Michael and Jenc avoided the easy trap of tough meat, and that it's a very "mature" dish overall. Back in the kitchen, Hector does not have enough time to finish cooking the meat, let it rest, carve it, and get it on the plate. So the meat gets up to the proper temperature, but doesn't rest, is cut quickly and sloppily, and Ash doesn't get a lot of sauce on the plates before time runs out. Yipes. Their peppercorn steak is served with apple confit and spinach. As expected, the judges find their plates unrefined, messy, and light on sauce.

The Names enjoy the meal overall, and Gail posits that in no other season would they have had this good of a meal at this point in the competition. I just looked back at Episode Four in all of the previous seasons, and have to agree. Back at the main Kitchen, the chefs sit for their fret 'n sweat. Kevin enters to wait it out with them. They grill him about what the Names liked and disliked, but he's very non-committal. He's either being diplomatic, or more likely, is being forced by the producers to keep the judges' opinions secret.

Commercials. I covet the pared-down glasses these people drink from in the 64-calorie beer ads.

Judges' Table. Padma comes back to the Kitchen, and summons Michael/Jenc and Bryan/Mike to the table. What, no Mattin? But he's French! Padma informs the four chefs that they had the two best dishes of the night, and the four of them just stand there, presumably waiting for some other shoe to drop. Padma and Ptom have to remind them that this is a good thing. Bryan and Mike are roundly complimented on both the sauce and the fish. Michael and Jenc are too, but in this case, there's a healthy side helping of sexual tension.

LabRat: "As soon as the cameras are off, they are going to do it."

Daniel gets to announce the challenge's winner, and it's Bryan, for both his food and his advanced ideas about technique. His prize is to work at the Head Name's restaurant for a week. Awesome. Next time he wins, his prize can be to clean my bathroom. Padma asks the chefs to send the losers out. Mattin, Ashley, Hector, and Ash are the unlucky group. Ashley's poussin was dry and heavy. Mattin's sauce was more of a gravy than a veloute, and his use of bacon is questioned. He shrugs that he hasn't made a veloute in a long time. But the Frenchness! Ashley's asparagus didn't add much, and the judges suggest maybe having done an asparagus veloute, because they're psychic. They always say that they don't see any of the behind-the-scenes stuff, and only judge on the food that's presented to them. This is what's known as "bullshit". Ashley says the idea of an asparagus veloute did come up, and Ptom assumes that Mattin shot it down. He denies it, which may not be an outright lie, but is certainly closer to false than true. Nothing is ever made of this maneuver of his, which is weird. Hector and Ash's problems were apparent. Their time issue led to not enough sauce, not enough resting, and not enough care taken with the carving.

Deliberations. Padma says that a case could be made for someone from either team going home. Thank you for that invaluable contribution. Hector's poor timing cannot be overlooked, especially since he had the simplest protein to work with out of anybody. Ash's sauce was pretty much fine, if minimal. Ashley's ravioli was too thick, her meat was dry, and she refused to sell Mattin out. Ah, shades of last week. How unwelcome. Mattin had a chance to shine in his area of expertise, and just didn't make a proper sauce. Here is the point where I'd normally sneer at Ptom for dictating to a French person how to make a French sauce, but Mattin really did seem to skitter off the rails tonight. The judges make a decision.

Elimination. This one isn't very suspenseful, which is fine. It's not the show's fault that one person messed up so much worse than everyone else. If you can't cook a basic steak, you can't move on, and so it's Hector that will be taking the long walk tonight. He's disappointed that he won't be able to stick around to represent himself and his people. It's true that with him gone, Ron's the only one left keeping this from being the whitest season ever. Hector thinks he maybe shouldn't have changed his style to meet time restrictions or the judges' tastes. Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. Eve stayed true to her roots, and look what happened to her. Fortunately, Hector seems more on the ball, and his workaholic nature will serve both as a cushion for the disappointment and a focus for what to do next. Bon voyage!

Overall Grade: B+