Eastern Promise

Top Chef - Season 2, Episode 2

Previously on Top Chef: Fifteen chefs met in Los Angeles. The Quickfire Challenge apparently never existed. During the Elimination Challenge, Suyai told Ptom that she'd never cooked so badly before. Her competitors agreed, and her honesty and humility got her a one-way ticket to Dumpsville. Heartwarming, huh? Fourteen attention-seeking nutmeg jockeys remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Los Angeles. The chefs sit around the Cellblock (my nickname for their Spartan living quarters) shooting the breeze. As always, the fact that people get eliminated doesn't really sink in until it actually happens, which is fairly understandable. Betty thinks the judges made the right choice, while Otto is relieved at dodging elimination. Josie warns everyone to get back on their game by the time tomorrow rolls around. Which will be extremely soon, thanks to the magic of television. Tah dah! We're there. If there's something more nightmarish than being yelled awake in a crappy bed at 4:30 AM by fucking Ptom, I don't know what it is. I'd rather chew a jumbo roll of aluminum foil. He tells the chefs that they're headed to the fish market, and have to get there early if they want a good selection. The chefs are like "Huuuuuuuuuh?". They're able to keep a lid on their morning grumpiness much better than I could. I'd be all "I'll tell you where you can put your fish, assmunch". Mia interviews that she started to feel a little ill before bed last night, and is still not feeling good. After a quick swallow of coffee, the chefs are off to market.

At 6:00 AM, the chefs meet up with Padma. She's got twin braids in her hair that don't suit her at all. She tells the chefs that today's Quickfire Challenge is about sushi. Oh my God, I love sushi. Upon hearing this, Mia vurps. Raw fish is about the worst thing you could present to her right now. Various chefs interview that sushi is difficult, so this challenge is fraying their nerves a little bit. Padma tells the chefs they'll have $100 to shop, and 30 minutes in the Kitchen to prepare a sushi plate. Sam looks sour. Emily looks bland. Mia's not even listening. She's just trying to keep from rowlfing all over the place. Once Padma dismisses the chefs, Mia walks behind a truck and tosses her cookies. Thanks so much for showing me the glistening puddle of vomit, show. That's just what I want to see when I tune into a show about cooking. Mia interviews that she's not going to let a little sickness interfere with her game. One hopes that it interfered enough to the point where she washed her hands before handling a bunch of raw fish.

Josie is about the only chef who is actively excited for this challenge, saying that she knows her flavors when it comes to sushi. Elia makes up for everything she said about American cheese last week when she says "I love cooking with fish, I love buttering fish, I love swimming with fish, I love eating fish. I LOVE FISH." I couldn't have put it better myself (except for "buttering fish" -- what does that mean?). Rock on, Elia. Mia just buys a bunch of random ingredients, not really caring about the challenge by this point. She just hopes to make it through the day. So much for not letting a little sickness interfere with her game. Everyone loads up with their stuff, and heads back to the Kitchen. They're met there by Padma and the Quickfire judge, executive chef Hiroshi Shima. I'm sorry, Hiroshi Shima? Looks like cruel parents with awful naming ideas aren't restricted to the United States. His partner is also present to act as an interpreter, and I'm just going to go ahead and call him Naga Saki. A couple of the chefs seem to recognize Hiroshi, who's apparently a big deal in the sushi world. The chefs may use provided ingredients like seaweed and roe in addition to anything in the pantry, and have half an hour to finish. Ready? Go!

The chefs spring into action, madly scaling their fish. That's probably one of those activities that you don't want to rush if you'd like to keep all ten of your fingers. Frank would like to win immunity, while Cliff worries about the short time limit. Cliff has really nice teeth, by the way. Otto knows he's got to impress the judges, since he was in the bottom group last week. Betty tastes something she's done, and her eyebrows raise into a "Ooh! That's tasty! Good." face. Heh. Mia tells herself to get it together. There's a final montage, during which some poor, unseeing shrimp are set ablaze. They seem to be judging me. Hey, I'm not the one who killed you guys! This is why I like my food pre-dead. I had to shove some live lobsters into a pot once, and it was really difficult. I don't even like to step on spiders. Time runs out, and the judges work their way down the line. Frank has combined prawn, pompano fish, fluke, and tuna. Hiroshi seems to like it. Michael gives the judges a disclaimer that he's never really prepared sushi before. He's made sashimi tuna with sesame oil, sushi rice, and sesame rolled in cucumber. The judges thank him and move on, not saying a good or bad word about it. Michael thinks he's out of his league in this challenge. I'm prepared to think he's out of his league in everything.

Cliff has marinated hama hama oysters with ginger, soy, mango, and jalapeno. People use jalapeno too much nowadays. Remember when chefs put mushrooms in EVERYTHING? I thought I'd be happy to see those days behind us, but I wouldn't have been so excited if I'd have known that the new Flavor of the Month was going to be jalapeno. When is something I like going to take center stage? Cliff has also split some prawns, serving them with hamachi (yellowtail) and daikon (white radish). He's adorably nervous about presenting a sushi dish to a master in the field. Mia gives a disclaimer similar to Michael's before presenting her sushi hand roll, which includes red snapper, avocado, wasabi, and daikon. Hiroshi actually feeds Padma the first roll. That was weird. Are they going to the Winter Snow Ball together? Hiroshi says something that Naga translates as "It wasn't really appealing". Maybe her roll tastes like puke. Otto has made mackerel sushi with crab, scallops, and scallions. There's also a spicy tuna roll. His presentation is very good, which Hiroshi notes. Otto interviews that he's a "roundeye" with no formal sushi training. He's apparently had no training in not using outdated racist terms either. Mia gives him a little hug.

Elia has made mackerel sushi with olives, sea urchin, and New Zealand snapper. Olives? Really? That sounds odd to me. Her presentation is also lovely, and Hiroshi looks pleased. Naga translates that Hiroshi has never experienced olives in this way before, but he liked it. Ilan has made abalone sashimi, uni (sea urchin roe) on some rice, and scallops. Naga tells Ilan that Hiroshi found it "fresh" and "alive", which relieves Ilan, because judging by Hiroshi's face, what he thought was "ew". We don't see any of the other chefs' entries. Hey, what about Josie? What was the point of telling us how confident she is in preparing sushi if they didn't plan to feature her dish? Padma asks Hiroshi who he thought was the strongest. His answer needs no translation. "Cleef". The other chefs applaud and shake Cliff's hand. Naga says that Hiroshi liked the combination of the mango and oysters. Cliff's win means that he's immune from elimination this week. Cliff says that it's an honor and a compliment coming from a chef of Hiroshi's caliber. Cliff's cool.

Now that the Quickfire is dispensed with, it's time for this week's Elimination Challenge. Padma says that Los Angeles is a very multicultural city as an awkward segue into the fact that the challenge will incorporate two more Asian cultures' cuisine: Korean and Vietnamese. Ooh. Yum and yum. I always have at least a low grade craving for Asian food going on, and this episode is not helping. The chefs will be drawing knives again this week. Each knife is marked with a Korean or Vietnamese flag. Pull! Everyone takes a knife. Team Korea winds up being Ilan, Marisa, Frank, Elia, Otto, Cliff, and Marcel. That means Team Vietnam is Emily, Josie, Michael, Sam, Betty, Mia, and Carlos. Each team will work together as a group to create one hot dish and one cold dish, using the flavors of their specific country. The food will be presented at a charity event to benefit Los Angeles' Asian community. This event will be attended by a thousand people (including established chefs), so this is a pretty major challenge. Everyone gasps or laughs or something except Sam, who never does anything but stand around looking sour. Otto says that he's very passionate about feeding the masses, not just the privileged elite, and he's not whistling Dixie on that one. Padma tells the chefs that teamwork will be considered in the judging as well. Each team will get $500. One of the losing team's members will be going home. The chefs are dismissed. Elia interviews that it's weird to be teamed up with people who see you as a competitor. She doesn't know the half of it yet.

Back at the Cellblock, we check in with Team Vietnam, who's sitting around the table brainstorming. Betty is a caterer by trade, so she has handy ideas about efficiently serving a lot of people. They toss out ideas for food. Josie would like to do a pho. Emily wants to incorporate bok choi. Josie is very adamant about using fresh cilantro, lime, and mint. Sam sits around looking sour. Betty interviews that Josie used to work for a Vietnamese chef. In short, this team is shaping up to be extremely cohesive, which Betty appreciates. And which is our cue to check in with Team Korea, which may as well have been introduced with a Sproooooooing of Doofitude. It starts with Cliff, Ilan, and Frank whipping up a batch of sangria. Because nothing contributes to efficient work amongst competing alpha-dog personalities more than getting plowed. They get buzzed, and immediately begin talking over one another. Marisa volunteers to make a jasmine panna cotta for the cold dish. Yes, nothing screams Korea to me like an Italian dessert. Elia attempts to keep people on task and finish the menu, but everyone else is too busy giggling over their sangria. Twits.

Commercials. Christina Applegate wears Hanes. When she was Kelly Bundy, I thought she was just a dumb actress playing to type, but she's actually really talented. And cute in this ad. Good choice, Hanes. Now bring back the dodgeball players.

Morning. Betty recaps the challenge. They certainly rely on her a lot for exposition. Have we heard more than four sentences out of Emily by this point? Sam thinks Team Korea is pretty arrogant about the challenge, but that doesn't bother Josie, who gets off on fierce competition. Hungover Team Korea members scramble to come up with menu ideas. Otto says that it's important to pull down a win for Team Korea, which makes me wonder why he was one of the giggling ninnyhammers who couldn't sit down for half an hour to plan a menu yesterday. The teams go out to shop for supplies. All is happy with Team Vietnam. They have precise lists of what they need, gleefully wander around choosing watermelon, and easily get everything they're looking for. Team Korea, on the other hand, is completely chaotic. We hear their planned menu, which includes braised pork, kimchi, and the aforementioned jasmine panna cotta. Otto asks a store employee to put a case of lychees on the bottom of their cart since there's no room in the cart itself. Because the team is so disorganized, they find that they're overbudget at the register. They take something out of the cart (I'm not sure what), and that seems to bring them to an acceptable amount.

As Otto packs up the car, he mentions that he thinks the store forgot to charge them for the case of lychees. Marisa interviews that she wasn't sure she heard him correctly. Elia is also standing right there. And unless team members were magically forbidden from speaking to each other on the ride back, it's probable that the entire team now knows that they didn't pay for all of their supplies. Marisa goes on to say that if the team took the lychees, it's not a fair situation. So she tells Otto to take the lychees back in. Wait, no she doesn't. She just brings up the fact that this could be construed as stealing. Whoops, she doesn't do that either. What she, and indeed the entire team does, is merrily ride right back to the Kitchen. Once there, the teams have three hours to prepare their food. Marisa interviews that playing fairly is very important to her, and that Otto has put her in a bad position. She crabs to Ilan about how the team is going to look like they're cheating. I must again point out that if this is so important to her, it's odd that she didn't do a single thing to stop or correct it. Ilan doesn't think Otto knowingly stole from the store; he thinks it was just a mistake. Well, yeah. But why is Otto bearing full responsibility here? Yes, he was the one to bring it up, but the entire team knew about this before leaving the store.

Cooking ensues. We're let in on Team Vietnam's menu, which is coconut-braised pork pho with carrot vermicelli and summer rolls with pickled watermelon. They're going for the extra credit point by making a third item -- a cucumber and aloe refresher drink, which Betty is in charge of making. Carlos interviews that Josie has been elected team leader, due to her experience with Vietnamese cuisine. They've got a to-do list, and everyone's humming along on their respective duties. Josie checks in with various team members, and it looks like she's doing a great job of keeping everything organized. Team Korea is much more chaotic. Elia helps Marisa out on her dessert dish, while everyone else concentrates on the pork. Otto completely tunes Marcel out as he chops some cabbage. Heh. Otto, you'll have to teach me that trick. Marcel interviews that making kimchi in a short time span is difficult. Our weekly Ptimewasting with Ptom commences. He tells us that Betty's working on the drink and that Josie's the team leader. Yes, we already knew all that. It's not called Ptimewasting for nothing.

Something of note actually happens when Ptom approaches Elia and Marisa, and they tell him all about the lychee incident. If I ever write a spy novel, "The Lychee Incident" will definitely need to be the title. Of course, this tattling on Otto is complete bullshit, for all the reasons mentioned already. Ptom gathers Team Korea, and asks for the full story. He gathers that Otto was the first to discover the "free" lychees, and Otto admits to getting wrapped up in the competition and making a mistake. The lychees haven't been used yet, so Ptom removes Otto from the Kitchen to go return them to the store. Fair enough. I'm still not on board with saddling Otto with full responsibility for The Lychee Incident, but temporarily removing a team member to right a wrong is an acceptable consequence. Otto reiterates in an interview that this was an honest mistake.

Commercials. I hope that sex was worth missing an expensive show. It probably was.

Team Vietnam cooks merrily. Sam tastes something and proclaims it "money". That's so irritating, I'm giving it a tally mark on the Irritating Reality Show Cliche List, even though it's not particularly common in reality television. Sam probably thinks that Swingers was an instructional video. Betty, who seems to be second-in-command, sternly discusses transporting the summer rolls with Josie. Feeling that the mood is a little too serious, she asks Josie for a kiss. Heh. Betty has some annoying quirks, but I'm starting to like her. Over on Team Korea, Marisa scoops gelatin powder into the panna cotta. She interviews that as it solidified, it became clear that it was going to be hard. Good thing she's not a pastry chef by trade, or that would be pretty embarrassing. Oh, wait. As he chops something, Ilan snarks to the camera that dessert should have been finished a long time ago. Now Marisa shoveling blame onto Otto is becoming a bit more clear. Methinks someone is a little out of her league, and is scrambling for a scapegoat. Otto returns, saying that he doesn't think that there's any tension on Team Korea, and that they're ready to win this challenge. Er... Even setting The Lychee Incident aside, I'm thinking Team Vietnam is so far above Team Korea right now, they could drop a penny and kill them. The teams wrap up their food for transport. Time runs out.

The chefs pull up at the hall where the charity event is taking place. It might be the science center, though no way it's as cool as ours. They start setting up. Emily interviews that it's nice to be part of a team where everyone is pulling their weight. Wave to Emily, because that's all we're going to see of her tonight. Marisa interviews that it wasn't difficult to work with Otto after "confronting" him, just distracting. She never once confronted Otto. She silently let the team take the lychees, whined about the situation to Ilan and Elia, and blabbed to Ptom at the first opportunity. Stop casting yourself as the heroine in your little morality play, bitch. Padma gathers the chefs before the event begins to introduce this week's guest judge, Ming Tsai. I confess to not knowing who he is, though I'll believe everyone who's told me he's a big wheel in the culinary world. The chefs hope to impress him. Good God, what is Padma wearing? She's got on a tight, sleeveless black top that is cupping her boobs three ways from Sunday, and a short, electric blue skirt in a metallic sort of fabric. She looks like she's on her way to prom. In 1982. Ming tells the chefs that flavor is very important. Fascinating insight, there. The other judges are also present, of course. The chefs are dismissed to get ready for the arriving guests. Team Vietnam shares a little cheer. Team Korea burns down, falls over, and sinks into the swamp.

Team Vietnam has its first setback when Josie comes over to inspect the summer rolls. They look like shit, because get this, Michael can't cut them in half neatly. No, really. The man is on a show called Top Chef, and he can't slice a summer roll. Josie understandably freaks out. Michael carps in an interview that Josie is talking to him like he's her ten-year-old son. Gee, I wonder what could possibly justify talking to him like he's a giant loser who has no business in this competition? Josie was actually a lot nicer than I would have been about it, so he can feel free to shut up any time now. The guests arrive, and start eating. Betty expertly works the crowd. Team Korea mills around snapping at each other. Ming approaches Team Vietnam to try their food. Josie tells them they went with some traditional food, and Ming says that pickled watermelon isn't exactly traditional. Josie admits to giving it a twist. He then repeatedly corrects her pronunciation of "pho". What's the name of his show? Pretentious Dicks Weekly? Betty presents him with the drink. He really enjoys it, though he again harps on its lack of "traditional" ingredients and misidentifies the spice. This guy's shaping up to be as assy as Ptom. The other judges also try the food, though we don't see much of their reaction.

The judges wander over to Team Korea. Ptom enjoys the pork and kimchi, especially given the short time they had to prepare the latter. Marisa presents her dessert. Ptom pegs the fact that there's too much gelatin in it. Ming enjoys their pork, and asks if the food is traditional Korean fare. God, shut up! Does he get fifty bucks every time he says the word "traditional"? Is he appearing in "Fiddler on the Roof" later? Marisa responds that they used traditional ingredients in an untraditional way. After the judges leave, she interviews that their food is good, and that they have a good shot at winning the challenge. I guess she forgot that whole part about being judged on teamwork. Ming interviews that he liked the summer rolls from Team Vietnam, but not the pork pho. Team Korea had excellent pork, but their dessert was too heavy. The chefs toast each other for a job well done.

Commercials. Caroline Rhea does some damn fine standup. And Paula Poundstone next week? Sweet!

Judges' Table. Padma asks Gail, who's a veteran of eating at charity events, how the chefs stacked up. Gail thinks they were pretty on the ball. Ptom points out that Team Vietnam had a clear leader, while the lack of a leader on Team Korea was painfully clear. Ming says that Team Korea had great pork, but poor rice. Padma agrees that making rice should be a basic chef skill, but that even given that, she'd have rather had Team Korea's pork than Team Vietnam's. However, Team Korea's dessert was like a hockey puck. Gail says that while Team Vietnam's pork was much weaker, they did a much better job in overall execution. Team Vietnam's drink was wonderful, and the judges give praise to Betty for being so personable with the guests. The chefs fret in the Kitchen. The judges reach a "tough" decision. Doesn't seem so tough to me. Padma goes back to the Kitchen and summons Team Vietnam to the table. Team Korea dares to hope that this is good news, Marcel saying that he'd be surprised if it went differently than he expects (presumably, a Team Korea win).

Team Vietnam lines up in front of the judges. Ming asks who was responsible for cooking the pork, and Michael raises his hand. Well, of course. So his pork was literally the only thing the judges could find to criticize about Team Vietnam, and he can't cut a roll in half. I sure do wonder where that lack of respect he complains about originated from! Ptom tells him that the judges found it dry, and asks Josie if she was, in fact, team leader. She cautiously hedges that she was elected to keep the team focused. Betty confirms that she was responsible for the drink. Padma lets them in on the good news that they are the winning team, which we could see coming from the first team meeting, but which is enormously pleasing nonetheless. They loudly celebrate. The sounds of their jubilation reach the Kitchen, and Team Korea is none too pleased. Cliff is already pissed at their loss, saying it's because they couldn't work as a team. Well, true, but it's not like Cliff's going anywhere this week, so why open himself up for trouble by nitpicking now? Since Betty helped keep the team so organized AND made the drink AND handled the guests so well, she is named this week's challenge winner. Deservedly so. And, hey! The Elimination Challenge winner actually gets something for once! Ming presents her with a sashimi knife. It's apparently quite a rare type of knife. Ming tells her that there are only 100 in the world, and she now owns one. I don't know, it just looks like a knife to me. Betty is thrilled, though, and interviews that her fellow team members deserve just as much credit as she. Aw. They're dismissed.

Team Korea lines up in front of the table, and are told that they lost this week's challenge. Ilan immediately crabs that Team Korea's pork was better, and that Team Vietnam's dishes were both underseasoned. He follows this up with an avowal that he's not being a sore loser. Um, I'd say he's being pretty much the textbook definition of a sore loser. Gail quashes that nicely by saying that the judges agree that Team Korea's pork was better, but that's not the only thing at stake here. They're asked what they think went wrong. Don't answer! That question is a trap! Luckily, Cliff answers, and they can't toss him out for giving them an honest response. He says that they probably didn't function as a team as well as they should have. Padma asks if the team had a leader, and they shake their heads. Frank is pegged as the team member who made the bad rice, which Ming ascertains condescendingly. Ptom points out the problems they had with the dessert. Marisa says that she put a teaspoon of gelatin in for each cup of liquid. I can't take credit for noting that in the earlier shot of her making the panna cotta, it looks much more like she's using a tablespoon measure. Ooh, it sure does. That's not to say she didn't convert it correctly, but it's a possibility that that's where the screwup occurred. Marisa is asked if she tasted the panna cotta before she served it. She did, and admits that it was overly firm. Silly question on the judges' part. Who cares if she tasted it? It's not like she could have done anything about it by that point.

Ptom asks Elia her opinion of the dessert. Elia says that she's not big on gelatins; it's a personal taste of hers. A mild statement, yes? In fact, it looks like Elia's trying to be as honest as possible about not liking the panna cotta, but with the specific goal of not making Marisa look bad in the process. By saying she doesn't care for gelatin in general, she's trying to imply that it's not Marisa's fault that she didn't care for it. Why parse Elia's answer to this degree? Because Marisa jumps down her fucking throat for absolutely no fathomable reason. She whips her head around and snaps that that's not what Elia said when she tasted it. She accuses Elia of "backpedaling". Bitch, she's trying to help you out. Shut the fuck up and be grateful. Frank rolls his eyes.

The team is asked who they think should be eliminated, and Marcel says that Otto brought the least amount of production to the team. Ah, yes. And we all know why, right? Because he's a dirty lychee thief. Marcel says that Otto's actions were particularly disturbing, because he (Marcel) has issues with "moral responsibility". Elia agrees that the lychee issue kind of soured the team from then on, and that's enough to send Otto home. Otto's asked for his version, and he said that when they left the store, he brought up the fact that they may not have paid for the lychees, and nobody on his team said anything. And he's right. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Everyone who heard Otto mention the free lychees as they left the store (which is at least Elia and Marisa, if not the entire team) holds at least as much responsibility for this as Otto does. So guess who the two people throwing the most blame at Otto are? Yep, Marisa basically calls him a liar, and Elia says that she likes him, but he committed an "act of dishonesty". Ptom is asked if the entire team feels that way, and of course Marcel jumps on board right away. Frank does not, giving his fellow team members shit for flipping their loyalties on a whim. Ilan agrees that a single person cannot be held responsible for the team's loss. Cliff is silent. They're dismissed.

Once in the Kitchen, Frank yells at everyone for not presenting themselves as a team; they acted like seven individuals, and wound up looking "like hell". He's being obnoxious, but he's right. He goes on to say that if you don't back your teammates, you may as well shove your head right up your ass. He's babbling, but this diatribe is mostly directed at Marisa, so he's welcome to do it all day. The judges discuss the team. Frank's rice sucked. Marisa's dessert sucked more. No matter Otto's guilt or innocence, the "stolen" lychees were a cancer for this team that dragged them down. Ptom says that if Otto doesn't take responsibility for The Lychee Incident, that Marisa should go. Huh? I didn't quite understand that. Does he mean that since there's not enough evidence that Otto was solely responsible for The Lychee Incident, they won't eliminate him on that point? Unless he confesses or something? Weird. You can tell Ptom really wants to eliminate Marisa, and is desperately looking for a way around the fact that Otto has turned into a handy target for other team members. The judges reach a decision.

Commercials. Gnat has a Rav4, but I guess hers didn't come with the Foil Jewel Heist option.

The chefs are called back out. Otto is asked at what point he was going to admit that Team Korea had extra ingredients that they weren't allowed to use. He says that upon going back to the Kitchen, he immediately put the lychees down below the workstation so that they wouldn't be used. He's asked if he would have used the lychees if Marisa hadn't caused a big stink. Instead of answering the question, Otto says that he should have come clean from the very start, and taking that into consideration, quits the competition. The judges kind of sadly nod their heads. He's asked if he's sure, and he is. Padma gives him the "pack your knives and go" sendoff. The chefs are dismissed. Otto says good-bye to the other chefs, and interviews that The Lychee Incident was an error in judgment, but that choices have consequences. He promises to persist in his goal of ending hunger. Aw. He deserves a lot of respect for shouldering blame that was not entirely his, but part of me wishes he'd fought a little harder. He may be noble, but a touch of aggressiveness could have sent Marisa packing. He's free of her. We're not.

Next week on Top Chef: Some stuff happens. I'm sticking to my rule of not watching this show's previews. They give away too much.

Overall Grade: B

The Girl Who Graduates

America's Next Top Model - Season 7, Episode 6

Previously on America's Next Top Model: Michelle sort of came out. Janice Dickinson made the girls look foolish. Like they need the help. Melrose rocked the photo shoot, while AJ's "attitude" got her eliminated. I prefer to think it was because of the hat. Eight girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Model pad. Someone went grocery shopping, and the girls carp gently over what was purchased. Eugena is pretty much fed up with everyone else. She says that Jaeda's always whining about her hair, CariDee can't keep her clothes on, Anchal never stops complaining, and Melrose is a backstabbing ho. Despite being a firm Melrose fan now, I have no problems believing any of that. I wouldn't last a day in that house without going batshit. I'm impressed Eugena was able to last so long. Anchal is still self-conscious about her weight. I didn't notice it before, but the runway in the model pad is equipped with a camera and monitor, so the girls can actually watch themselves walking. Swanky. Night falls.

Morning. Brooke receives a package with a bunch of graduation-themed stuff in it. She's missing both graduation and prom to compete, which she's a little bummed about. Melrose wanders out into the backyard and "discovers" a bunch of photo equipment set up. She's met by Elyssa, who apparently produces all of the photo shoots. Elyssa's only there to introduce Tyra as the photographer, because without that introduction, Tyra wouldn't be able to make a grand entrance. We see some of the "work" that she's done as a photographer before she tells Melrose that she'll be shooting the girls today for an edgy black and white shot. She wants the girls to look angry and evil, but still exude sex appeal. To help with the evil part, the girls will be wearing some scary-ass contact lenses. Melrose is first, and has contacts that give her white irises. Brooke has the same ones. I guess we're supposed to think that the evil is being helped along by giving the girls really high bangs. I guess that works. The mall bangs the girls worked in junior high were pretty damn scary. Eugena's contacts are also white, but they're in a cat-eye shape. Cool! We never really get a closeup of Michelle.

Jaeda looks appropriately evil. She interviews that she doesn't like looking freaky; she'd rather be the pretty girl. There's a yearbook shot of her and a couple of sparkle-tooth "ding!" noises. Heh. Amanda's got the cat-eye, and starts off weak. When Tyra tells her to strike sharper poses, she does. Anchal's also got the silver cat-eye, and that color contrasting with her dark skin looks amazing. CariDee has the white iris effect. She enjoys being all scary, and does a great job. When she's done, she tells Tyra she's going to change back into Normal CariDee. I guess she doesn't realize that that's just as unsettling. Ba-zing!

That evening, the girls get some Tyra Mail that asks them if they're ready to flaunt their assets. I'm just glad it didn't say "flout" their assets, because learn the difference between those two words, America. CariDee gets all excited, hoping they'll be in lingerie. Why do I get the feeling that CariDee's bedpost has a lot of notch-marks in it? The next morning, the Monster Escalade drops the girls at a small theater. They're met by... Ick. It's that stylist (Sutan) that I dislike so much, I felt the need to comment on him before. I even suggested we see him look even more ridiculous, and let that be a lesson to be careful what we wish for. Here he is in drag, and yeah. Not an improvement. He says that the girls will be shown the fundamentals of being sexy, and introduces a "well-known" burlesque performer, Dita von Teese. She's very pretty, and does a little dance for the girls before sitting in a giant martini. No, really. Melrose tells Eugena that Dita is married to Marilyn Manson. Really? How does that guy keep scoring hot women? Rose McGowan could do so much better.

After getting dressed, she comes out and gives the girls a few tips on looking sexy without going over-the-top. She suggests using props, which leads us to a mini-challenge. The girls will need to strut their stuff across stage, using a prop. Sutan gives Anchal some unhelpful advice. She does her best with a sunflower, but is very uncomfortable. Michelle works a riding crop, interviewing that she's more used to being a tomboy. Melrose also has the riding crop, and struts around in a very stripper-like fashion, which Eugena gleefully points out to us. CariDee thinks Eugena doesn't have enough emotion, despite her gold pom-pons. Jaeda finds it difficult to act sexy with her short hair. She does fairly well with her pink boa. Amanda's got the sunflower. I think she kind of sucks, but Dita disagrees with me. The music ramps up for CariDee embarrassing strut. We're well beyond stripper and into streetwalker. Shocking. Brooke has a difficult time, but tries her best. Dita tells the girls to act with confidence and not second-guess themselves. Shot of Anchal, naturally.

Model pad. Jaeda is still going on about having long, luscious hair, and seriously. Enough with that now. Don't pull a Cassandra on us, Jaeda. Eugena interviews that she's tired of listening to Jaeda whine about her hair, and will be glad to see another girl go. She doesn't much care who. After the commercials, the girls get some Tyra Mail that mentions keeping their elbows off the table, but not their feet. CariDee must feel right at home. The Monster Escalade drops the girls at some house, where they meet Cathy Gould, the director of a modeling agency. With her is "supermodel" Kylie Bax. Not that I soak myself in the world of fashion or anything, but I've never heard of this woman. Let's not give her the "super" prefix just yet. Cathy introduces the upcoming challenge, which is so fucking stupid. Basically, the girls will walk up and down a dining room table, being "sexy" while people sit around watching them. Anchal is nervous again, because she doesn't have as toned a body as the other girls. Consider that theme understood, editors.

The challenge is really, really boring. The upshot is that Melrose does a great job, as usual, and Cathy feels that Anchal doesn't have a typical "runway body". I guess that's nicer than making a big MOOOOOOO sound. Melrose wins the challenge. The prize is an editorial spread in Seventeen. CariDee is pissed in her interview that Melrose wins so many challenges. Well, maybe you'd win if you didn't act like such a spazzy hooker all the time. Melrose gets to choose three friends to appear in the spread with her, and she picks Brooke, Michelle, and Amanda. There's a quick, badly-edited soundbite to make Eugena seem jealous of Melrose's win. Nice try, show. Melrose interviews that it's ironic that she's the oldest girl, but wins a spread in Seventeen. Melrose can correctly use the word ironic! I love her even more now. She and her chosen "friends" go to get their picture taken, and they're met by Atoosa Rubenstein. Fuck! Not that bitch again! Beau Quillian is present to help get the girls styled. Oof, someone's gone down in the world. At least he looks a little better now. The girls get photographed, and they all look quite nice.

That evening, at the model pad, Anchal whines about her lack of confidence, and blah blah I'll let you know if anything new pops up. CariDee tells her that once she starts eating better, she'll feel better. Anchal says that having CariDee talk to her and coach her helps her a lot. And if you watched this scene with a puzzled frown, because Melrose told her almost the exact same things and was branded a horrendous bitch for doing so, you're in good company. Commercials. When we return, CariDee reads a passage of Tyra Mail written in the melodramatic vein of a romance novel. I'm really distracted by the fact that a lot of the girls have huge bangs and weird high ponytails for no reason in this scene. Are they having a Debbie Gibson lookalike contest?

The next morning, the Monster Escalade drops the girls at a very nice estate. You'll can tell it's nice, because I used the word "estate" instead of "house". OJ springs out, plants his hands on his hips, and looks just as ugly and ridiculous as ever. He tells the girls to try and find the right side of the sexy/sleazy line, and lets them know that the photo shoot today will be recreations of romance novel covers. They show Melrose being excited at the news, but I'm more drawn by Jaeda's extremely sour face in the background. Each of the girls has a separate story to portray, which we'll get to when they're photographed. OJ introduces the photographer, Randee St. Nicholas. Nice name. What, Titty McGee was already taken? The girls get some makeup done before coming out to meet their costar. Why, it's Fabio! I guess his pressing schedule of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter commercials eased up a little bit. The girls are excited to meet him, Eugena saying how well she remembers his covers when she was a little girl. Heh, seriously. How old is he now? OK, I was curious enough to look it up. He's forty-seven, and looks damn fine for it. I'd like to know what he does as far as skin care.

CariDee is up first. She's portraying a peasant girl in love with a rich man. She actually reigns in the spazzy hooker routine, and looks very good. Fabio and OJ are impressed. Amanda is leaving Fabio for another woman. Er, I don't remember romance novels being heavy on the lesbian love, but whatever. Amanda is confused about how to convey this. Jeez, no kidding. Consequently, she doesn't do very well. She and Michelle talk with Fabio about how they like their own space, and are two very separate people. They ask if he ever wanted to be a twin, and he's all "Sure, why not?". Yeah, having an identical twin would be fun. Michelle's scenario is that she has a secret love child with Fabio. She says that lying in bed with a man and fake baby is very "different" for her. Well, I'd sure hope so. She's fairly uncomfortable during the shoot. Anchal is an Egyptian queen, and looks fucking awesome. There's just no other way to put it. Fabio is thrilled with her.

Eugena's scenario is getting caught with her secret lover. She's meh, as always. Jaeda plays a girl who falls in love with a vampire and gets bitten. Whoever styled her hair knows what he or she is doing, because she looks fantastic. She does several poses where she hangs limply, which makes sense given her story. When OJ suggests that she can do more active posing and grabbing, she jumps right in and does so. Brooke is next. She plays a woman desperately holding on to her man, who's leaving her. She clings to Fabio's leg and looks cartoonishly anguished. There's a lot of folderol about her growing up and finding herself as a person, and blah blah blah. Finally, there's Melrose, who plays a madam in a brothel. She does a fantastic job, of course. I know that there's no way in hell Melrose is going to win the season, because she's been given too much of the Bitch Edit (of course, I said the same thing about Jeffrey), but I'm pulling for her at this point.

Evening. Tyra Mail. Someone's gettin' eliminated. Brooke interviews that her high school graduation is during the panel judging tomorrow, and if she gets eliminated on the evening that she's supposed to be walking across stage to accept her diploma, that's going to suck. Indeed. Anchal worries that the guest judge is going to be Cathy, who thinks Anchal is a fatass. After commercials, we enter the Chamber of Doom on a picture of Tyra as a romance cover model. By herself, of course. And variations of the word "Tyra" and the word "Banks" appear three times. I'd ask to see the cover featuring Tyra's ego, but it'd be bigger than the AIDS quilt. And good God, check out her wig for panel. I don't even know how to describe it. It's voluminous and curly and juts out to one side. Combined with the fact that she appears to be kind of pissed off, she looks like she's about to shove Gretel in the oven. Prizes are recapped. Judges are introduced. Unfortunately for Anchal, her fear that Cathy would be the guest judge has come to pass. Boring! It should have been Fabio, or at least Dita. No final challenge this week, and we get right to the individual evaluations.

Up first is Anchal. Her black and white "scary" shot is terrific. The judges love it, but Tyra warns her to not let the makeup do all the work. It is true that the white contacts really contribute to the fact that the shot is so good. Not that that's Anchal's fault. Her romance cover shot is equally good. She is on fire this week. What was up with the forty bazillion segments about her body and confidence issues if she's going to do this well? Cathy likes the romance shot. Tyra warns Anchal not to back her butt up in a hoochie type of way. I confess that I'd have the same problem if asked to do that pose. Up next is Amanda. Her B&W shot isn't good. The judges disagree with me. Tyra brings up the fact that Amanda responded to direction well, which you'll want to remember. Her romance novel shot actually doesn't get a lot of comment, possibly because it's kind of dull, but the judges don't want to admit it. CariDee did a very nice job in the B&W, and Tyra loves how much she committed to the scary posing. Twiggy says that her romance novel shot shows a soft side previously unseen. I'd agree with that. In fact, the only criticism of CariDee that they can come up with is that she's wearing too much makeup to judging.

Brooke. They call her B&W shot "interesting". Ooh, that's not good news. Tyra says that there are two sides to Brooke: the newscaster girl and the photo shoot Brooke. Apparently, the photo shoot Brooke is good. I don't know, Tyra's babbling again. The judges like the longshot of her romance novel shot, but say that she has no expression in her eyes in the closeup. Twiggy likes Brooke's frown in the photo, but that's about the only good thing they say. Michelle. Her B&W features her sticking her tongue out to the side. It looks pretty good, and Tyra gives her credit for "stepping out of the box". Pardon me while I become totally juvenile for a moment. HAHAHAHAHA! OK, I'm done. Her romance novel shot isn't as good, since she's visibly uncomfortable. Michelle says it might be due to the fact that she's never laid in bed with another person. Tyra pounces upon this as a weak excuse that Michelle is trying to use to disavow responsibility for a bad shot. Jump to conclusions much, Tyra? She's offering a possible explanation for why she didn't do as well this week! It's perfectly reasonable! I think some chemicals in that shitty wig are soaking through to Tyra's brain.

Eugena. Tyra tells her she looks good with straight hair. She does. Her B&W shot is very good. The judges ask her how she was feeling when the picture was taken, and she cautiously opines that she was angry. Something about the way she phrases her answer sets the judges off again, and they tell her that she comes across as unlikeable. It progresses to the point where they directly order her to have manners and charm. Did the judges have some bad shrimp with dinner? Calm the fuck down, assholes! The judges tell her she has dead eyes again in her romance novel shot. Yeah, it's true.

Melrose. I think her B&W shot is gangly. Tyra thinks that she tried to come across as too glamorous. Her romance novel shot gets better reviews. Nigel calls it the best shot of the bunch. Tyra says that acting sexy comes easily to Melrose, but she needs to work on some other stuff. Even though being sexy was supposed to be the entire point of this episode, but there's no stopping the Avalanche of Bitch Tyra's got going right now. Jaeda. Her B&W is, and I hate the overuse of this word, but it's true -- FIERCE. The judges want her to be more enthusiastic at judging, so they'll probably cut her for losing her "spark" at some point, like they did to Toccara. Her romance novel cover is one of the ones towards the beginning, where she was trying to act like the undead woman she is presumably becoming. She looks pretty good. The judges say she looks uncomfortable and out of character. Of course, the fact that she responded well to OJ's direction (just as Amanda responded to Tyra's) is never brought up, and the later shots where she was clearly NOT uncomfortable aren't shown or mentioned, because the judges have a hard-on for beating up on Jaeda. Whatever. Fuck off, judges.

The girls are dismissed. Commercials. Deliberations. Twiggy likes Brooke, but Nigel and Cathy agree that she gives off too much of a pageant vibe. Anchal is exotic and sexy, but is "too pretty", whatever that means. Amanda has reached her "defining moment", which I don't take from these bland-ass pictures at all. The usual bullshit about Jaeda. CariDee is great, but is too eager. Eugena's attitude stinks. Melrose is uncomfortable being "freaky". Or something. Michelle didn't have the best week, and of course Tyra has to bring up the whole "excuses" thing, which MICHELLE NEVER DID. GAH! SHUT THE FUCK UP, TYRA. Elimination. Amanda is safe. CariDee. Anchal. Melrose. Jaeda. Well, good. Michelle is safe. Would you like to place bets on whether or not Tyra brings up the "excuses" thing again? You wouldn't? I don't blame you. Would Brooke and Eugena please step forward? Now, this is odd. Because after all the stupid crap these judges have been spewing for the past five minutes, this is actually the correct bottom two, in my opinion. Uncanny.

Brooke has a great personality, but doesn't have much model potential. Eugena has obvious potential, but has no respect or humility. At this point, I'm entirely convinced that Eugena is on her way out, so I'm shocked to see her get her photo. Wow. She gives Brooke a hug. Brooke starts to cry as she walks over to hug the other girls, and bemoans that fact that she's missing her high school graduation to get eliminated. A fair enough thing to bemoan. Tyra, still in her ungracious bitch mode, cannot let this pass unchallenged. Brooke wails piteously, and begins to walk out while expressing love for her fellow contestants. Tyra interrupts to harangue her for having the nerve to be upset at getting eliminated on the eve of her graduation, snotting that a lot of girls would be happy to be in Brooke's place right now. Really? I'm not sure I'd agree that there are many people who would like to be on the business end of a bullshit lecture delivered by a megalomaniacal cunt. Brooke has the good grace to agree and hug Tyra, rather than spitting in her face, which is what I wish she would have done.

Brooke's final interview talks about how she didn't see this elimination coming at all. Yeah, I'm with her on that one. Not that I disagree with her booting. We see her portfolio, and it's really weak. She says that she's given a lot up to be here, but that she wouldn't change anything, given the chance to do it over. She's a good egg. Back to the Future fadeout. Thankfully, this gives us a better view of Jaeda's impressive rack.

Next week on America's Next Top Model: A photo shoot involving attacking a racecar driver. Um, OK. Some Mission Impossible sort of wire work. Anchal and Melrose throw down again.

Overall Grade: C-

Maybe Steven Segal Will See Me and Want Me to Be in One of His Movies

The Amazing Race - Season 10, Episode 6

Previously on The Amazing Race: Seven teams left Vietnam for the hustle and bustle of Chennai, India. Peter formed an "alliance" with KanDustin that lasted about forty-five seconds. Wrestling a crocodile was easy for Sarah. Wrestling Peter's ego? Not so much. Sarah and Peter managed to get first place, despite their bickering, which is kind of a light motif for this season. David and Mary came in last and were spared elimination, but have to come in first place tonight or they'll incur a thirty-minute penalty. Here's hoping that the fact that they have yet to finish above fifth isn't running through their minds right now. Seven teams still remain. Who will be eliminated next?

Opening credits. If that's really what the scenery around David and Mary's place looks like, I want to go visit them.

Chennai, India. Peter and Sarah are off first at 12:54 PM, though we don't hear the usual intro that they arrived at 12:54 AM. I wonder what that means. Anyway, their clue is different this week. It's an actual clue to an actual puzzle! That needs, like, solving and stuff! Hooray! There's a video device in the clue envelope, and a message from Phil tells them to fly to Kuwait City and find the pictured location. They'll have to buy airline tickets at a travel agency, fly 2400 miles to Kuwait, and get one of the provided cars at the airport. Peter's confident that they'll do well this leg. Snerk. He says he has to be careful of pushing Sarah too hard while she's got a blown-out knee. Someone got a tongue-lashing at the pitstop! And not the good kind. They grab a cab. KanDustin leaves the mat at 1:06 PM. They think other teams are jealous that a "couple of blonde girls" beat them to the mat. Right, because people wouldn't be unhappy at all if other teams beat them to the mat. I'm glad you're doing well, KanDustin. But you need to get over yourselves a little bit. They get a cab. Peter and Sarah arrive at a completely empty travel agency, and tell the agent there that they need help very quickly, because Sarah's leg is a medical emergency. Why they felt they had to be devious about getting help when there are literally no other customers around is beyond me. KanDustin uses their feminine wiles to charm an agent at a different agency. Both teams find tickets that get them into Kuwait at 7:50 AM. Dustin puts her palm up for a high five from the ticket agent, and he totally leaves her hanging. Hahahahaha! Peter and Sarah use the internet at the travel agency to identify their destination: Kuwait Towers.

RoKi leaves the mat at 1:42 PM. Rob says that he's a dramatic person who sometimes gets in trouble because he "speaks freely". Well, then I'm sure he wouldn't mind if I freely asked him to shave, because he's got some ew going on. They get a cab. Erwin and Godwin leave the mat at 1:53 PM. Godwin's wearing a shirt that reads "Will Flex For Food". Oh, Godwin. No. I don't even know where to begin talking about what's wrong with that shirt. They say they're going to stick with Alabama (Lyn/Karlyn), who are leaving the mat at 2:03 PM. They let us in on the fact that teams have $31 for this leg. The producers are still being stingy. Hooray! The two teams talk about their alliance with David and Mary, and that their goal is to be the last three teams standing. They head off to a travel agency. An agent at RoKi's travel agency is able to identify the Kuwait Towers.

Tyler and James leave the mat at 3:37 PM. Tyler says that coming in sixth place was a dagger in the side, and James adds that they can't "let up their guard" at any moment. I'm starting to see why Tyler does all the work. A monkey hangs out on top of a traffic light. Heh. The Underdogs are stuck in traffic, so Tyler and James get to a travel agency first. They also use the internet to identify the Kuwait Towers. Ticket-booking ensues. David and Mary are last to leave the mat at...oh, my God. 6:04 PM. Jeez, did they fill in those colored sections of the pattern at last week's Detour one grain at a time? Mary says that the possibility of the penalty is daunting, especially with the fierce competition they've got. She says that nobody's going to lay down and let them win. They've got to do it themselves. Foreshadowing! The Underdogs buy tickets. The lead teams arrive at the airport. David and Mary catch up to the rest of the Underdogs at the travel agency. Wait, what? Are you telling me it took Erwin/Godwin/Lyn/Karlyn more than four hours to ride from the pitstop to a travel agency? No way. The Underdogs have already set up David and Mary's tickets for them. Aw. Everyone goes to the airport, which Lyn does a sarcastic little cheer about. Heh.

Although Tyler and James got a slightly earlier flight out of Chennai, everyone meets on the same connection in Mumbai (Bombay). Once again, Tyler and James are frustrated and surprised to discover that the other teams didn't wander around lost for sixteen hours, fall into an open sewer, and accidentally book flights to Lansing, Michigan. You were in sixth place, dudes. Did you really think everyone ahead of you would get a worse flight? The plane takes off, and before you know it, we're in Kuwait City. Establishing shots which I'm obligated to tell you are nowhere near as pretty as the ones in Vietnam or China. Everyone jumps in their marked cars except the Underdogs, who are waiting for a local to get his luggage, and will then guide them to the towers. Hopefully, he won't ask to be dropped off at his brother's place, first.

KanDustin's out in front, saying they got directions from the flight's pilot. RoKi passes Tyler and James on the road. The Underdogs finally get going. Kuwait's oil is mentioned, of course, and Kandice talks about her father fighting over here when she was little. Dustin fails to snap at her during this, so she must need to get some tips from Mary. They take a wrong turn, so RoKi/Tyler/James are first to the towers. An employee there tells them to take an elevator up to the top. When they get off, they take a moment to take in the sweeping vista of Kuwait City, then notice that there are numbered tags hanging on little hooks. Kimberly manages to snag #1, so Tyler and James get #2. Hehehe. Tyler and James get #2. They can't start on their next task until 11:00 AM, but they know they're in good shape. The teams exchange high tens. I think Peter and Sarah are the only team with no friends. That's appropriate. KanDustin and Peter and Sarah take the same elevator up, and Peter dashes out the second the doors are open, so he gets #3. KanDustin is stuck with #4, which they find annoying. So that puts the Underdogs into the last three spots, with Lyn/Karlyn getting #5, David/Mary #6, and Erwin/Godwin #7. Erwin and Godwin note how high up they are, and are getting nervous, because neither one of them likes heights.

11:00 AM. The tower office opens, and everyone gets a clue. Roadblock! But before we get to that, there's also one of the two Fast Forwards of the season. The Fast Forward involves a team doing a task that once completed, allows them to skip all the other tasks of the leg and go straight to the pitstop. A team may only use one in the entire race, and I still wish they had one on every leg. However, at least this time, it's showing up when everyone is in first place, so to speak. It's so pointless when everyone is spaced out. Anyhow, in this Fast Forward, the team(s) will have to drive 18 miles to an oil field, don protective gear, and approach a clue box near an intense, controlled fire. RoKi, Tyler, and James know they're in fairly good position right now, so ignore the Fast Forward for the Roadblock. In this Roadblock, the chosen team member has to scale a ladder on the outside of one of the towers' "bubbles". It's extremely high up, but the ladder is encased in an outer shell of metal rungs, and the team member will be rigged up to a safety harness, so I wouldn't be frightened at all. Of course, it's easy for me to say that while sitting at home on the couch, but still. But! This isn't just a physical task. Once the team member has scaled the ladder, they have to pick up a satchel with some puzzle pieces inside. They then go down to the ground (on the stairs, presumably -- no rappel here), get some additional puzzle pieces out of a trunk, and assemble a jigsaw of sorts. Once complete, it will give the address (in Arabic) of a marked stall where their next clue awaits. Whoever designed the tasks this season deserves a big kiss on the cheek.

Kimberly takes the Roadblock. So does Tyler, of course. I'm surprised Tyler lets James step on the mat with him. So far, Tyler has: shot the flaming arrow, driven through the congested streets of India, and did a wall climb the same week he did all of the rowing in a choppy Vietnamese bay. James? Has eaten a small bowl of fish eyes and sat on an unmoving bicycle selling flowers to flirty old ladies. Karlyn takes the Roadblock. Sarah's interested in going for the Fast Forward, and Peter's not. Guess who wins? Yep, they stick around, and Sarah takes the Roadblock. KanDustin is also interested in the Fast Forward. Erwin takes the Roadblock. He and Godwin note that David and Mary haven't read through their clue yet, and that KanDustin is about to leave for the Fast Forward. They make like they're getting on the elevator, and tell KanDustin that they're headed for the Fast Forward as well, since they're in last place. It works. KanDustin would rather keep their position than risk coming back in last, so they commit to the Roadblock. Kandice takes it. David and Mary want the Fast Forward, and the way is now paved for them. Well played, Erwin and Godwin. Mary gives them a hug and thanks them. She and David take off, Mary talking about how her heart will be broken if Erwin and Godwin are eliminated because of this. The brothers themselves are also starting to fret.

Commercials. Impress your potential new boss by stalking him.

Now that Mary and David are safely on their way, Erwin and Godwin go back up in the elevator. Erwin is still talking about what a "test" this Roadblock is going to be, as he will continue to do for several minutes, but this is the last time I'm going to mention it, because it's simply not that intimidating. Erwin and Godwin tell the other teams that they gave up on the Fast Forward. The other teams are clearly thinking "idiots" to themselves, not knowing what really just happened. Heh. David and Mary are bit lost, and getting snippy again. They pull over and find someone willing to lead them to the oil field. More teams profess to be scared of the climb. Kimberly starts on hers. And, of course, she has no problems whatsoever, because ominous music aside, THIS IS EASY. She grabs her satchel. Tyler has even fewer problems. He pauses to take his hands off the rungs to show how easy it is. Kimberly gets down to the ground, and begins on her puzzle. It looks like the Roadblocker's partner can give verbal advice about what to do, but just can't help assemble. For the third time, Sarah talks about how she's not sure if she can do the climb or not. Well maybe if you are constantly unsure about your climbing abilities, you should stop voluntarily taking the climbing tasks. Kandice and Karlyn agree that she shouldn't have been the one to do the Roadblock, but she does fine. She again is all "Yay, look at what I just did!" when she finishes, which would be more impressive if we hadn't been watching her do a climb almost every week.

Tyler starts his puzzle. Upon hearing that the climb was easy, James says that he should have done it. Dead weight. Kimberly has finished the puzzle, but has left out all the parts that need to be filled in with Arabic letters, so she's got to rework it. Tyler figures out where the letters go fairly easily. Kandice climbs. Sarah starts on the puzzle, warning Peter at the outset to leave her alone and let her figure it out. Kandice practically dances off with her satchel, having thoroughly enjoyed her climb. Karlyn begins her climb. David and Mary pull up to the Fast Forward. Karlyn finishes, grabs her satchel, and runs off. Erwin starts to climb. Wah wah scared. Hey, there appears to be a water park right next door to the towers. Cool! I wish the task had been there. Kimberly is struggling with her puzzle, and after seeing Tyler work, Rob tells her that she has to figure out how the gold lettering fits into the blue indentations. Hmm, getting that information off another team seems a little shifty, but it's minor, so whatever. Erwin climbs. Godwin yells up encouragement, including "You are not going home today!" "Yes you are, Chos," Tyler mutters to himself. Hehehe. Erwin finishes the climb.

David and Mary are suited up in a bunch of protective gear. Mary's a bit nervous, but seems excited, spouting the titular quote (so that's four out of six episode titles she's responsible for). Kimberly continues to struggle. "Am I just stupid?" she wails to herself. A blast of "YES!!" coming from every house in the neighborhood shatters my windows. After I have new ones installed, I'm just in time to catch David and Mary approaching the fake oil well fire. The back of the clue box is completely scorched. They come up while holding a shield in front of them and having some professionals lead the way. David is happy that his childhood dream of becoming a firefighter is becoming a sort of reality. Aw. They take the clue, which directs them to drive to the Al-Sadiq water towers. Phil doesn't give any factoids about them, like he usually does with the pitstops. They're water towers. They have stripes on them. That's about it.

Tyler finishes his puzzle. He and James lift up the entire puzzle, and run it over to someone who presumably works at the Kuwait Towers. He tells them it reads "Street Al-Gharabally", and Phil lets us in on the fact that this street is in a market three miles away. There is a marked bead shop there where they'll get the next clue. Tyler and James get directions. Sarah finishes the puzzle, and they get directions. Erwin sweats like a pig. Kimberly finally finishes. This is why I love these mental tasks. It shuffles the team order by merit, not luck. RoKi gets directions, Kimberly having a lot of trouble with the word "mosque". I wonder why she couldn't put an Arabic puzzle together. In their car, Rob points out that they need to turn at a mosque, and Kimberly's like "Whatever, I don't know what that is". The editors can't let this go, and give Kimberly her second Sproooooooing of Doofitude. Karlyn finishes the puzzle. As she and Lyn walk off with it, Kandice finishes as well. Lyn and Karlyn get the information about the street name from some nearby men.

And now for this week's drama. KanDustin approaches the same men. Lyn and Karlyn tell them not to help KanDustin. In fact, Karlyn actively tries to herd them away from KanDustin, and when Dustin approaches even more closely, Karlyn physically pushes her away. One of the guys is apparently charmed enough by Karlyn to not help KanDustin, but the other one relents and agrees to ride with them. Lyn and Karlyn conclude that this is unfair, and that KanDustin needs to learn how to "run their own race". In the KanDustin car, Dustin says that Lyn and Karlyn were acting like pigs, and hogging all the help, because they already had their answer, and should just move on. I've been waffling back and forth over this all week. On the one hand, KanDustin has a lot of nerve getting all up in arms about a team trying to prevent a local from helping another team, because remember? With the hand over the taxi driver's mouth? Yeah. On the other hand, Lyn and Karlyn did three things that essentially put me on KanDustin's side. First, the pushing. Pretty aggressive from a set of women who are morally offended when Sarah gets on a plane early or KanDustin snakes their boat. Second, Dustin's absolutely right. Once you have the information you need to move on, I feel like staying behind for the sole purpose of impeding another team is kind of assy. Third, and this is the big one: "run their own race"? What does that mean? That KanDustin should have figured out the Arabic address without help? That they shouldn't ask a local to ride with them, which is a perfectly acceptable strategy for Lyn and Karlyn's pals David and Mary? And speaking of them, Lyn and Karlyn don't really get to be snide about independent work when they're openly part of an alliance. So, yeah. While my sympathy for KanDustin is minimal, Lyn and Karlyn can just shut it.

Erwin, in last place, finishes the puzzle, and he and Godwin get the translated address. They convince a policeman who's sitting around doing nothing to lead them there. The policeman's only too happy to help, even putting on his lights and sirens. Hehehe. Tyler and James are first to the market. They have trouble finding the marked bead shop. Peter and Sarah are driving around lost, but RoKi spots the mosque they need to turn at, and find the market. Erwin and Godwin are making good time, thanks to their police escort. Peter and Sarah manage to locate the market. KanDustin arrives next, thanks to their helper. Then Erwin and Godwin. Thanks, remarkably cute Kuwait policeman! Lyn and Karlyn are having trouble, and pull over to pay a taxi to lead them there. Tyler spots the marked bead shop, and they are first to get the next clue. Detour! Manual or Automatic. In Manual, teams have to drive themselves to an area called Sulaibiya, and find a feedlot there. At the feedlot, they have to fill ten bags that can carry 110 pounds of camel feed up to a marked line. After closing them, and carrying them to a pallet 100 yards away, they'll receive their next clue. In Automatic, teams drive themselves to the Kuwait Camel Racing Club, which is totally where I'd spend my Sunday afternoons if I lived in Kuwait City. Once at the club, the team will attach a small, robotic jockey to a camel. When they use a voice-activated remote control, the robot swishes a whip around, which will make the camel run. Phil makes sure to tell us that the whip strikes lightly. Once the camel runs the 140-yard track, the team will get their next clue. So all they have to do is strap a robot on and yell into a walkie-talkie? Sounds easy.

Tyler and James don't hear me think that, and choose Manual. Meanwhile, David and Mary have found the pitstop. They run up to Phil and check in as team #1. So, no penalty for them. Plus, they win a trip to Jamaica. Nice! Mary gives all the credit for their placement to Erwin and Godwin. Speaking of whom, they and a bunch of other teams are running all over the marketplace, looking for the marked shop. Rob is the first to spot it, and Kimberly intelligently suggests not running in until a nearby KanDustin has already sprinted by. Good thinking. Once the coast is clear, RoKi gets their Detour clue, and hurry out before they're spotted. Peter and Sarah are next to find the shop. They choose Automatic. KanDustin is still wandering around. Peter and Sarah run by Erwin and Godwin, and Peter feeds them a stupid lie about being illegally parked, so that the Chos don't realize that Peter and Sarah already have the clue. They need to learn that the most successful lie is a simple one. "We haven't seen the shop." Brilliant. "We have no idea where the shop is, and we need to go back to our car because it's illegally parked, and blah blah blah." Suspicious over-sharing. Erwin and Godwin see right through it, and are easily able to locate the shop. Peter's a dumbass. The Chos go for Manual. Lyn and Karlyn arrive at the market, and start asking around for someone who speaks English. KanDustin is still wandering around lost.

Commercials. These Mac vs. PC commercials are getting more annoying by the day.

Lyn/Karlyn and KanDustin continue running around the marketplace, looking for the bead shop. Lyn and Karlyn find the Chos, who tell them precisely where to find the Detour clue. So much for "running your own race", huh? KanDustin still manages to find it first, and they choose Manual. Lyn and Karlyn are last to the Detour clue, and choose Automatic. They pause to get directions. The Chos find the same policeman who helped them before, but he doesn't seem to know how to find where they're headed. Lyn and Karlyn approach, and when nobody can figure out how to find Manual, the Chos just arrange to follow Lyn and Karlyn to Automatic. And now, the driving. And driving and driving and driving. Peter and Sarah zoom along. Tyler and James ask another driver for directions, while RoKi stops to ask a cab driver. These Detour locations must be really tough to find. Dustin can't find the Manual neighborhood on her map. At a stoplight, she hops out of the car and asks the people in front of her for help. They go above and beyond the call of duty, and agree to lead KanDustin to the Detour. Tyler and James are lost again, and stop at a gas station. After they leave, James confesses that he didn't understand a word the (cute) guy at the gas station said. So I guess in addition to everything else, Tyler's in charge of directions. And driving. And finding the bead shop.

RoKi is first to arrive at their Detour (Manual). KanDustin is right behind them, so they just made up a lot of time. Both teams start madly shoveling feed into their sacks. Kimberly has Rob put an extra shovel's worth in to be sure they're above the line, while KanDustin seems to have missed that part of the clue, which is helpfully pointed out to us by the Fwiiiish of Ineptitude. The Chos don't think Lyn and Karlyn are going the right way, so they change their minds again, and peel off for Manual. Of course, since they didn't know where they were going in the first place, they're now completely lost. They stop at a gas station for directions. James and Tyler are now stopping for their third set of directions since leaving the marketplace. Ouch. Actually, double ouch, since the folks at the store they stop at have no idea where Manual is. They give up, and decide to head for Automatic. Peter and Sarah are equally lost. Sarah is consulting the map, and says that there are no roads mapped out for getting to Automatic. One would think that not having a helpful map would lead to stopping for directions, but they don't.

KanDustin is stapling their feedbags shut before they're filled to the appropriate level. RoKi, standing literally two feet away, note that KanDustin's bags aren't as full, but apparently this doesn't worry KanDustin, who haul their first bag over to the pallet. Lyn and Karlyn note that they've lost the Chos at some point. One of RoKi's feedbags splits wide open when they toss it on the pallet, spilling feed everywhere. They hurry to refill it. The Chos stumble across Manual. I guess they successfully stopped for directions, though we never saw it. They get to shoveling. Tyler and James stop for directions again. And again, the people they talk to can't help. Aside from being stuck in traffic, this has got to be the most frustrating aspect of the race. KanDustin is convinced they're done, only to be told that they've got to fill their bags to the fill line. Handy name, that. One of them concludes that the guy handing out the clue is just being picky. Yeah, that must be it. Peter and Sarah are still lost, and still not pulling over. Erwin and Godwin are making good time on the feedbags, but RoKi is first to finish. Their clue tells them to drive themselves to the next pitstop, the boring water towers we've already seen. One would hope Kuwait City has more interesting landmarks. RoKi is off, pleased with how simple their Detour was. KanDustin finishes their bags correctly this time, and leave for the pitstop in third.

Lyn and Karlyn arrive at Automatic. They strap the robotic jockey to the camel in about forty-five seconds. The camel makes a loud groan in protest, and one of the ladies snarks at the camel for giving them "attitude". Aw, I love it when camels complain. Peter and Sarah. Lost. Not asking for directions. Peter spots a red and yellow arrow on a sign, and congratulates himself loudly for spotting it. Tyler and James are driving around in circles. They're really pissed.

Commercials. Jane Seymour sleeps with Neil Patrick Harris. Isn't she practically his grandmother?

We rejoin a lost Tyler and James. James is wearing a tragically unhip pooka-shell bracelet. Peter and Sarah follow their magical arrow, only to find that it leads them to the long-gone Fast Forward. Heh. They finally decide to switch Detours, and head for Manual. Tyler and James get more directions. Erwin and Godwin finish Manual. They're pretty convinced they're in last place, not knowing about the straggling teams driving around lost. RoKi stops for directions to the pitstop, while Kandice spots the water towers on her map, which allows KanDustin to slide right by. Karlyn yells into her remote control. Now this is a task she excels at. The camel takes off running. Lyn and Karlyn get their clue, and leave for the pitstop. Peter and Sarah. Lost. Not asking for directions. They actually find themselves back at the Roadblock, so it's like they're running this leg in reverse. Heh. They finally, FINALLY ask someone for help. The man points out the neighborhood on the map, and Peter sighs that Sarah really needs to be looking out for these things and paying attention. And while Peter is an insufferable jerk 90% of the time, I have to agree with him on this one. Read the damn map, lady. He takes over the navigation as well as driving. Tyler and James arrive at Automatic, having slipped five places between the bead shop and the racing club. Ouch. They have no trouble rigging up their camel.

KanDustin hits the mat as team #2. Tyler and James have a good time running their camel down the track, and leave for the pitstop. Yeah, not the most intense Detour I've ever seen. Thank goodness for the wacky misadventures in driving around Kuwait. RoKi hits the mat as team #3. I have to say that the huge, expectant grin Rob always gives Phil is equal parts scary and completely endearing. Peter and Sarah stop for directions. Huh, guess he was just as useless at navigating as she was. A cute guy agrees to lead them to the Detour. What is up with the random hotness? Do I need to buy a ticket to Kuwait? Peter harangues Sarah some more about "getting her head together", and now he's over the line, because it's not like he was so good at finding where they needed to go, either. Tyler and James, you'll be shocked to hear, are having problems finding the pitstop. Not having problems are Lyn and Karlyn, who manage an amazing fourth place. They jump up and down in happiness. Karlyn gives Phil a hug. Peter and Sarah follow their cute guy. Erwin and Godwin check in as team #5. They're extremely relieved.

This is where we'd usually have suspenseful intercutting shots of the last two teams, to suggest that it's anyone's guess who will hit the mat next. But Peter and Sarah haven't even found the Detour yet, and in fact are led to the wrong place, so the editors don't even bother this week. Heh. Welcome, Tyler and James. You are team #6. Meh. Part of me would love to see the brawny white dudes chunked midway through the season. The sun sets. Yikes. Peter and Sarah find Manual well after dark. Their clue tells them to proceed directly to the pitstop, so they don't have to do the shoveling. They hope it's a non-elimination round. The water towers are lit with blue light, and look extremely pretty. Peter and Sarah step onto the mat and are eliminated. I exhale with relief. I'm not sure how much longer I could have stood watching such an awkward relationship. Speaking of which, Phil asks Peter what the situation is with said relationship. Peter tries the euphemistic route, saying that while they're dear friends, they're both too focused and driven to work as a couple. Sarah is not about to let the guy who has treated her like dirt for the past five legs get off that easy. She says that Peter is a "go-getter", but that he's not a very nurturing or kind individual. She's looking for someone strong, but also wants them to be caring and compassionate. Oof. I hope Peter likes that new asshole she just ripped him. She has a final individual interview in which she says that she's seen a lot of sides to Peter on this trip, and that he's not the person for her. Translation: "I got involved with a dickhead, but at least it's over". For the audience too, thank goodness. Who will service Sarah's artificial leg now?

Next week on The Amazing Race: KanDustin and Lyn/Karlyn butt heads. KanDustin and another car butt fenders.

Overall Grade: B

Into the Fire

Top Chef - Season 2, Episode 1

Previously on Top Chef: After the chaff was ditched, we were left with two talented chefs. The forces of Good were represented by genial, easygoing Harold, while the abrasive, conceited Tiffani led the forces of Evil. Harold triumphed, of course, because that's what the forces of Good do on reality shows. Right? RIGHT? Now, it's time to start the whole enterprise again with a fresh set of famewhores. Hooray!

We open with an introduction by our new host, Padma Lakshmi. Yes! The Bot has been deactivated! Padma talks about the pressure, and the passion, and the competition, oh and by the way, did you know that some food will be prepared? Well, it totally will. Out of "thousands" of applicants, the contestant pool has been whittled down to a final fifteen. Observing the chefs will be head "judge" Tom Collichio, known as Ptom around these parts, because all this man should be qualified to judge is how far up his ass I could plant my foot. Gail Simmons of Food & Wine magazine is also back. Welcome back, comparatively unannoying Gail! Padma gives a brief rundown of her own credentials (really just not being KatieBot is enough), including authoring a cookbook and loving all things culinary. Hey, I guess that means I'm 50% qualified to be a judge! All I need to do is dash off a quick cookbook. I'll have to play to my strengths, but I'm not sure "How To Include Soy Sauce In Every Single Dish" will be flying off the shelves. Padma has a large scar on her arm that will likely distract me every single time she's onscreen. One of the contestants will be eliminated each week, until four remain to cook in the finals in Hawaii. Ooh. The grand prize includes state-of-the-art kitchen equipment, a feature in Food & Wine, a chance to cook for the Food & Wine Classic in Aspen, and $100,000.

Opening credits just as boring as last season's.

Hey, the competition's not in San Francisco this year, but Los Angeles. That's a bit disappointing. Ready to meet this year's contestants? If not, too bad!

Josie Smith-Malave is a 31-year-old sous chef at a restaurant in New York. We see a brief glance at her application tape, which includes a shot of her lesbian lovah. Josie looks like she could be a good rollergirl.

Betty Fraser is a 44-year-old ex-actress from Los Angeles, which makes sense, given that she looks like Suzanne Somers with a bigger nose. She's waited a lot of tables, presumably because she couldn't find acting work, and picked up an interest in cooking from that. She now cooks for and owns a restaurant in Los Angeles. I don't even know how to describe how disturbing the shot of her doing wild, flailing, jumping cheers is. Nor the shot of her cooking while wearing a midriff-baring tank top, and her gut hanging out over a black and white miniskirt. Someone needs to take Betty aside, and gently explain that perhaps it's time to leave the ingenue days behind.

Ilan Hall is a 24-year-old line cook from New York City. He's got a touch of the obnoxious faux rocker look about him, which unfortunately seems to be a pervading theme on TV these days. He says he's going to win Top Chef because he wants the prize money. Well, so do I. Guess I've got a shot of winning, too.

Marcel Vigneron is a 26-year-old Stephen knockoff from Las Vegas. I mean, really. Three words out of his mouth, and we already know who the pretentious twit of the season is going to be. He's a "master cook" from Las Vegas, and he's got a flyaway hairstyle that must take fifteen cans of Aqua Net daily to maintain.

Gnat: "I didn't know Jimmy Neutron existed in real life."

He talks about his interest in "molecular gastronomy". Midway through his first interview, and I'm already tired of him. This'll be fun.

Elia Aboumrad is a 23-year-old room service chef from Las Vegas. Don't yell at me. I'm just transcribing the subtitles. It's not my fault she's trying to get away with saying she's twenty-three. She's originally from Mexico, where women who cook are presumed to be interested in marriage only, she tells us. So no women in Mexico prepare food because they're, I don't know, HUNGRY? She does have very pretty hair.

Sam Talbot is a 28-year-old "executive consulting chef" from New York City. I have no idea what that title means. He hopes the show will take his career to "the next level". Tally mark on the Irritating Reality Show Cliche list! Along with the unmentioned "in it to win it" from Josie that I was trying to ignore, we're up to two already. Impressive. Of two brief introductory paragraphs on his Bravo biography, his "good looks" are mentioned four times. Apparently, he's been voted one of New York's sexiest chefs, and if that's true, New York? Time to import some new chefs. Yes, I know you're crowded, but this cannot stand as the benchmark of what your city considers sexy.

I hate to interrupt the introductions, but they're intercut with the chefs moving into their living space, which has to be mentioned. Gone is the International House of Famewhores. These people are apparently staying in a Dickensian workhouse. There are tiny, utilitarian bunk beds set up, the decoration is sparse, and the whole room looks like these guys have been sent to juvie. Marcel and Ilan meet each other and whip out their knives to compare their sizes. The joke practically makes itself. Ilan makes it anyway, saying that next they'll be comparing cocks. He seems to instantly dislike Marcel. Sweet.

Frank Terzoli is a 39-year-old executive chef from San Diego. He's brought along earplugs, but they're not for him; they're for his roommates. Hehehe. He also comments on the prison-like nature of their accommodations. I'm glad someone mentioned how crappy they are, because have I mentioned the twin-sized bunk beds?

Marisa Churchill is a 29-year-old executive pastry chef from San Francisco. Finally, someone who knows how to make dessert! In her application tape, she brags that she uses her sexuality to her advantage, and as with pretty much all people who herald themselves for their allure, she ain't all that. The shot of her ass gets honest-to-God blurs, though I don't know if they're covering a logo on her jeans or actual cheek sticking out. If it's the latter, she's dead to me.

Suyai Steinhauer is a 28-year-old chef and owner of a catering company from New York City. She's originally from England, and has a nifty accent. Her name is pronounced with a J-sound in the middle. She was bulimic for many years, and got into food as a way of healing her eating disorder. Gnat and I come up with similar remarks along the lines of "you healed it!" at about the same time. Man, we're bitches.

Michael Midgley is a 28-year-old line cook from Lodi, California. He wants to own a sports bar, and is definitely working the dirty slob look. Bleh. He notes that the other contestants have more experience, but that he's got balls. Thank you for telling me about your balls. Kindly never mention them again. He says he's ready to "rock and roll". Tally mark!

Carlos Fernandez is a 36-year-old chef and owner of a cafe in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. He owns the cafe with his life partner of the last twelve years, and they just got their first four-star review. Good for them, but I'm less impressed with that than with the fact that these two can live and work together for twelve years without resorting to murder. Private time, people. It can't be overestimated. He's self-taught, and wants to show those people with their snooty culinary degrees that he can be successful.

Mia Gaines-Alt is a 32-year-old chef and owner of a catering restaurant in Oakdale, California. Her mother and husband are "holding the torch" for her while she competes, and I'd love to know how the working relationship is between those two. If she wins, the money's going to be put right back into her business. I like a practical thinker.

That's not all the chefs, but they're hurrying us along into the Quickfire Challenge anyway. The chefs stream into the new Kitchen, which is bigger and uglier than the one in San Francisco. They're met by Padma, Ptom, and Harold, who's still cute, but needs to stand up straight. God, I sound like my mother. Harold will be this week's guest judge. Nice. Ptom goes into his first smug speech of the season, and it's worth analyzing what he has to say. "I know everybody's excited to start cooking, but first a little housekeeping. I am not the chef here, and I am not your mentor; I'm the head judge. I will be making trips into the Kitchen, asking questions, and observing you. I will take those observations back to the Judges' Table, and share them with the other judges. Good luck." OK, let's just plug that into the Ptom to English Translator. "I am NOT Tim Gunn. I am NOT Tim Gunn. I am NOT Tim Gunn. I know everyone hates my guts, but making sure I don't come off as a smarmy dickhead takes way too much time and effort for me to bother. Hear that, audience?" What gives, here? Either Bravo or Ptom himself is clearly desperate to distance him from Tim, but why would you want to distance yourself from Tim? Tim Gunn rocks. Nobody but delusional freaks like Vincent has anything but glowing things to say about him, and he gives friendly, but frank criticism. I'm sorry that Ptom lacks the personality to be the same kind of authority figure, but then maybe they shouldn't have asked his conceited ass back. Or, if they want his crabby commentary at the Judges' Table that much, send someone else into the Kitchen to be an observer, if not a mentor. Padma, perhaps?

That unpleasant disclaimer out of the way, Padma tells the chefs they'll have to survive through twelve rounds to get to the finals. In each round there will be a Quickfire Challenge and an Elimination Challenge. If a chef wins the Quickfire Challenge, they are immune from elimination in the latter. Padma announces that suitably, the first Quickfire challenge involves quickness and fire. The chefs will have to create a flambe dish (sorry, I don't bother with accent marks; they're too time-consuming), using any alcohol and ingredients provided in the Kitchen. Otto, who we haven't even been introduced to yet (Otto Borisch - a 46-year-old chef instructor from Las Vegas), says that flambe is as simple as tipping a high alcohol-content liquid towards a gas flame. Suyai has never studied the flambe technique, so she's nervous. The chefs have twenty minutes to prepare their dishes. Go!

Sam wants to win immunity. Michael thinks the time limit is too short to do something fancy, so he's playing it safe. I'd think that was smart, if I believed that Michael were capable of anything fancier than potato skins. Emily (yep, we haven't met her either -- Emily Sprissler - a 30-year-old "master cook" from Las Vegas) says that flambe provides a lot of flavor and a lot of heat. Er...thanks for explaining the relationship between fire and heat, Emily. Marcel considers combining bananas and avocados, hoping to wow the judges. I can't picture those two flavors together, but it doesn't sound bad. Cliff (who? -- Cliff Crooks - a 28-year-old executive chef from West Caldwell, New Jersey) says that every part of his brain is firing. Five minutes left. People set their dishes on fire. Everyone is flaming along merrily except Elia, who can't get hers to light. Apparently, this is because she chose red wine as her alcohol. Marcel interviews that it doesn't have a strong enough alcohol content. Tell that to my friend Tiffany after a Memorial Day at the wineries. Time runs out, and Elia gives up.

Harold and Padma go to taste the food. I guess Ptom wandered off at some point. First up is Marcel, who has made a banana and avocado tart with corn chips, ice cream, and a rum cocktail on the side. It's pretty. Elia has made strawberries with red wine and chocolate flambe sauce. So she put chocolate on strawberries, doused it in wine, and called it a day? Here's a good rule of thumb. If I can make it, it's not an especially good effort on the contestant's part. Betty has made spicy coconut curry, with steamed mussels and mango couscous. Harold asks about Carlos' jalapenos, and is told that they're purely garnish. Suyai has made tequila lime shrimp, with chunky mango and avocado salsa. That sounds great. She's just happy the damn thing caught on fire. Heh. Sam has made espresso shrimp flambeed with sambuca, roasted hazelnut, and peanut paste. Harold seems to like it, though you know Harold. Not the most emotional guy in the world. That's all the entries we see.

Harold says that he was impressed with most of the dishes, especially the ones incorporating seasonal ingredients. As far as the ones he didn't like, he hates non-functional garnish, so he's not happy with Carlos. Elia's red wine disaster sucked as well. Suyai's lacked seasoning, and the shrimp were a little undercooked. On the flip side, Sam, Emily, and Betty all get high marks. Jeez, this show likes to ignore Emily, doesn't it? I know she's not going to be on the cover of Vogue anytime soon, but come on! They do have the grace to at least flash a picture and subtitle of what she prepared, which was sliced pork chops in applesauce, red plums, and Granny Smith apples. Oh my God, that sounds so good. [It is here that the cardinal rule of writing about Top Chef reared its head again. Never sit down to write an entry until you've eaten. I'm starving. -- OK, I'm back. I've got nothing in the apartment, so I had to go out for the nearest thing my neighborhood has to offer: fried chicken and beer. Not quite the gourmet tonight. --Limecrete] When Betty is told she did well, she gives a scarily huge grin and tells Harold that she loves him. Shut up, Betty. Harold announces the winner, giving the proper Dramatic Pause before doing so. The winner is Sam, who says he's "stoked" and that the news is "awesome". Great, man. Perhaps you can make something "tubular" later. The chefs are reminded that Sam is the only one who cannot be eliminated tonight. Elia hopes to bounce back in the next challenge.

Evening. The chefs break out the wine and beer. Otto says that chefs party "like rock stars without the budget". I have no idea what that means. Everyone clinks glasses. Ilan says that everyone had some beers and got a little toasted, while Michael had a few more beers and got more toasted. Michael spills beer on his shirt. I'm shocked. All he needs to do now is break out into "Louie, Louie", and the stereotype is complete. He takes off his shirt, and swaggers off to bed. Carlos and Cliff aren't thrilled to be his roommates, and briefly lock him out of the bedroom. Heh.

Commercials. "If you go to work early, and come home late, you're a Ford kinda guy." Ummm.....OK.

Morning. Michael drags himself into the kitchen. He interviews that the other chefs think he's "crazy". No, the other chefs think you're a loser. There's a non-sequitur into Michael saying that his mother only ever hit him once. Marcel says that maybe she should have hit him a few more times. He may be joking, but he delivers it completely deadpan. This is our cue to hear about how unlikable Marcel is. I can totally buy that he's a dick, but honestly? Who wouldn't like to hit Michael a couple of times? Ilan says that if this were a demeanor competition, Marcel would go home first. Yeah, he'll never win a beauty pageant of kindness. And now, the interview so trite and predictable, my newt saw it coming. Yes, Marcel isn't here to make friends. This is about the food! Sure it is. And according to Limecrete's Rule, Marcel is now eliminated.

Elimination Challenge. The chefs walk into the Kitchen, where all of the judges await. Padma describes the challenge. The chefs will divide into two groups: black and orange. This just serves as a reminder that the Halloween party is on Saturday, and my costume's not done. Got to get on that tomorrow! Teams will be formed randomly by the ever-popular knife drawing. Everyone draws a knife out of the butcher block and splits up. Padma points out some wooden boxes that contain five mystery ingredients. The challenge will be to create a dish that incorporates all five. The orange group (Suyai, Marisa, Ilan, Frank, Carlos, Michael, and Elia) will cook first. The black group will taste their food and vote for their two favorite and two least favorite. Otto interviews that other chefs are the toughest critics. The black group is dismissed. The orange group has two hours to create tasting portions for the black group (and the judges). Go!

The mystery box contains escargot, American cheese, potatoes, artichokes, and peanuts (they're called bar peanuts -- I guess to differentiate them from their fancier roasted cousins). Those certainly are random ingredients. Marisa's response to these ingredients is "Oh, fuck". Indeed. Suyai is nervous. Michael finds the Kitchen eerily quiet. Elia wants to prove herself worthy after her crappy Quickfire performance. Ilan is winging it at this point. Suyai freaks out some more. Marisa says that she was trying to focus on what she was doing, and cut herself with the knife. Guess you weren't so focused, then. Why not "use your sexuality" to heal the cut? Carlos helps her wrap it up. She says she can handle the pain, but worries about losing time. Frankly, I'd be more worried about the puddle of blood over by her ingredients. With forty minutes remaining, Ptom comes in to do his typically unhelpful walkthrough. Marisa shows off her bandaged finger and laughingly asks for a knife lesson after the competition is over.

Elia disdains the cheese to Ptom. She interviews that American cheese is a funky product that shouldn't exist. Hey, you if you don't like it, go back to Oaxaca, traitor! Michael tells Ptom that he grilled the escargot in some garlic butter, and is making an artichoke cheese dip. I'm still waiting to hear an idea out of him that doesn't sound like it belongs at Applebee's. Suyai is still freaking out. She tells Ptom that she is not doing well, and that her only shot right now is that someone messes up more than she has. Ptom asks if she thinks it's a good idea to tell him this. She says she doesn't know what else to say. Ptom nods and walks away with a happy smile, because yay! He now has ammunition to use against someone that has absolutely nothing to do with the food! Prick. Ptom leaves when there are about thirteen minutes left, and interviews about his general impressions, from the difficulty of using processed cheese to Suyai's lack of confidence. One madcap cooking montage later, and we're done. The judges and the black team stride in.

Carlos presents first. He's made an artichoke potato cake with the escargot on the side, and a coconut sambal peanut sauce. Josie interviews that she was disappointed with his dish, saying it's underseasoned, and expected more from a chef who bragged earlier about a four-star review. Which is why these tastings should have been blind. But whatever. Frank has made ravioli, stuffed with the escargot and American cheese. On top of this is a potato, bell pepper, and peanut sauce. Sounds good. I see strips of artichoke lining the plate, but I don't know if they're meant to be eaten or not. Marisa has made a pate brisee tart with snail garnish. Pretentious Chef to English: pate brisee. Noun. A French short-crust pastry dough made of flour, sugar, ice water, salt, and butter. She included some carmalized onion and balsamic vinegar, though we never hear what she did with the actual mystery box ingredients. Michael has made shoestring potatoes with artichoke cheese sauce, and peanut pesto on the escargot. Mia doesn't care for the pesto. Elia has made buttery escargot with the artichoke and American cheese, and mashed potatoes with parsley, ginger, butter, and garlic. She manages to bash American cheese again. Hey, you don't hear me over here carping about how disgusting refried beans are! Oh, wait. Betty is very impressed with Elia's dish. Ilan has baked the escargot into the shell. He's also gotten an impressive amount of work done in the short time span, including poaching the artichokes, chopping the peanuts up, etc. Everyone loves it. Suyai has made braised potatoes and artichokes, and garlic escargot with American cheese sauce. Marcel is unimpressed. I get the feeling I'll be typing that sentence a lot.

The orange team is dismissed. The black team votes. Betty says she'll speak up for the two worst dishes (though she invites anyone to disagree). Carlos and Suyai. Everyone seems to be on board with that. Suyai's had too much vinegar and too much red wine. Emily didn't even want to swallow it. Ouch. Carlos had too many competing flavors. As far as their favorite two, Ilan is mentioned without hesitation. The dish was immaculately presented. Cliff says he should be "damn proud" of it. Betty liked Frank's ravioli, but Elia's is more popular, overall. Ptom asks which of the dishes they'd be happiest with if asked to pay for it in a restaurant. Then Betty interviews that Ptom asked which of the dishes they'd be happiest with if asked to pay for it in a restaurant. Yes, thanks. I actually was present three seconds ago. We don't hear their answer.

Commercials. Cows like earthquakes. Or something.

Time for the black team to get their mystery boxes. Same time limit, of course. Their five ingredients are frog legs, chicken liver, eggplant, cornflakes, and peanut butter. Yeesh. This one seems more difficult. Betty interviews that the five ingredients are frog legs, chicken liver, eggplant, cornflakes, and peanut butter. YES, THANK YOU. I AM, IN FACT, WATCHING THE SHOW. Everyone gets to work. Marcel disdains Otto's habit of grabbing one thing at a time. Well, I disdain your hair, twit. With an hour left, it's Ptimewasting with Ptom. Betty's never used frog legs, but is working off the assumption they taste like chicken. Yeah, they kinda do. She's also pureeing the chicken liver to make into a little cake, which looks disgusting. The puree looks disgusting, that is. Not the overall chicken livers, which are so completely delicious. Man, I love those. Marcel is making frog leg lollipops. Mia is quite pleased with her array of ingredients, making what she calls "Sunday dinner at grandma's house". Cliff says he usually uses cornflakes to line the cat bowl. Heh. For now, he's using them to bread the livers. Otto frets over the time his rice is taking to cook. People plate up. Time runs out. Marcel believes he is going to be in the top three. Marcel must have had a heaping bowl of delusion with breakfast.

He presents first. In addition to the frog leg lollipops, there is a chicken liver puree with garlic and parsley sauces. I don't know where the eggplant and peanut butter are. Marisa says the garlic is overpowering (translation: "I don't like Marcel"). Frank says that Marcel talks a better game than he plays (translation: "I don't like Marcel"). Care to rethink that interview about how you don't need to cultivate friendly relationships, because this competition is all about the food? Betty feels fairly confident in this challenge. She's made a cake from the frog leg and chicken liver meat, a salad, and peanut vinaigrette. Ilan really likes it. Sam has made a tumeric and cornflake-crusted frog leg, with eggplant and caper saute, and a duo of sauces. Me likey capers! Josie calls her dish "East meets West meets Southwest". I guess the North can just suck it. She's made a frog leg nugget, with chicken liver peanut butter, and eggplant jelly. Interesting. I'd actually be curious to try that. Cliff has made the eggplant into a sort of chip, has braised the frog leg, and breaded the chicken liver with cornflakes. Michael doesn't like the chicken liver. Emily has made cornflake and peanut butter-crusted frog legs with grilled eggplant. She's included mint and cilantro and glued it to the rest of the food using peanut butter. Heh. I think I may like Emily. Frank enjoys it. Otto has coated the frog leg in cornflakes and made a rice/chicken liver/vegetable saute with a peanut sauce. Also some brown rice. Ilan interviews that he was surprised at how underseasoned Otto's dish was. Mia has followed through on her Southern-style Sunday dinner. She's made chicken-fried frog leg with garlic mashed eggplant and wilted arugula. Sounds tasty. Michael enjoys her frog legs.

The black team is dismissed. The orange team fairly easily hits upon Betty and Mia as the two favorite, though Emily gets praised as well. When it comes time to discuss their least favorite, Ilan volunteers Otto and Marcel. Everyone rushes to agree about Otto. The seasoning was off, etc. Suyai's quote has to be taken verbatim. "The liver, I found very hard. The liver was, like, 'Hello, I'm a liver.'" Hahahahaha! That's totally going to be the line I find myself shoehorning into conversations this week. Ilan describes the overwhelming garlic in Marcel's dish. Elia disagrees, saying she liked Marcel's simple presentation. Carlos agrees about the overwhelming garlic, and Ilan jumps in to assert his point again. Dude, we've got it. Now it's time for other people to talk. Don't make me break out the conch shell. Carlos picks out Marcel's and Cliff's as the worst. It's generally agreed upon that Cliff's dish wasn't cohesive enough. They have to take a vote to determine who to choose as the worst. Looks like Elia loses out. "Majority rules," Michael smarms. Oh, is that how voting works? Thanks, I was confused.

Commercials. My like for Clint Eastwood battles with my dislike for Ryan Phillippe. Dislike wins.

Judges' Table. Harold thinks the Elimination Challenge was quite difficult as a first challenge. The judges feel that overall, most people did quite well. The orange group showed a lot of versatility. Gail agrees with the chefs' decision to make Elia and Ilan the top two of that group. When it comes to the black group, Ptom liked Betty's cake, but thought the slaw was a throwaway. Harold disagrees, saying it complemented the cake well. Mia's was fantastic. It wasn't the most refined dish, but probably the most satisfying. Padma goes back and calls these four chefs to the table. Elia's nervous, not knowing if this is good or bad news. She soon finds out that it's good. When she's praised, she bashes the American cheese yet again, and said that if she had more time, she would have done something different with the artichokes. Mia showed a personal point of view in a tasty way. She's delighted. Ilan combined wonderful flavors, especially for someone who's never worked with escargot before. Gail, in particular, is more animated than I've ever seen her. Betty showed a sense of style and her cake was a great idea. Harold gets to announce the winner. Dramatic Pause. The winner is Ilan. Mia's face morphs into a death glare. Jeez, you'd think that winning the Elimination Challenge actually carried a single benefit. It still doesn't. All Ilan gets for winning is credit for winning. This is a poorly planned aspect of the show. The Quickfires, by definition, shouldn't be as important as the Elimination Challenge, and yet they're more so. Ilan is happy. Mia continues looking sour. Ptom points out that Harold won the first Elimination Challenge, and went on to win the entire season. No pressure, Ilan.

Padma asks them to send in Suyai, Marcel, Carlos, and Otto. They walk back to the Kitchen. Mia announces Ilan's win, and sends the bottom four to the Judges' Table. She wishes them luck. The bottom four walk in to an odd gong noise on the soundtrack. Otto is asked what he thinks went wrong. He surmises that the rice was undercooked. Harold says that he didn't feel Otto's dish had enough depth. Ptom asks why he should be spared. Otto replies that every chef has a bad day. Suyai admits that she panicked. Gail says that the judges agreed with the chefs voting it a least favorite, but that there were parts of the dish that she enjoyed. Just try to look at the condescending smile Ptom gives Gail at this point and not want to shake him until his teeth rattle. "Silly little woman," it says. Suyai knows she has to step it up. Marcel has no idea why he's standing there, because he's perfect. He says he liked his "utilization" of the mystery "basket" ingredients, by which he means "use" of the mystery "box" ingredients. But those words are shorter, so they must not carry as much meaning. Harold actually agrees that Marcel's dish was fine, and that he does not belong in the bottom four. Since Carlos was part of the team that sent Marcel here, he's asked for his reasoning. He brings up the garlic. Marcel becomes even douchebaggier, as he says that people are just scared that he'll do well, and are trying to get him out of the way so that they'll have less intense competition. He's actually close to the probable real answer, which is that everyone hates his guts. He just thinks it's about the food, and it's...not. Ptom informs us that Carlos was done forty-five minutes early. Carlos admits that he should have taken more time to plan out what he wanted to do. Ptom asks if Carlos would be "proud" to serve the dish in his restaurant. Trick question, since if he says "yes", he'll be nailed for supporting lackluster food, and if he says "no", he'll be nailed for lacking confidence. He wriggles out of it quite nicely by saying that while the dish certainly wasn't his crowning achievement, it wasn't "crap on a plate" either. Well played, Carlos. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. Carlos didn't think his food through enough. There was no complexity to his dish. Gail thinks that no matter what the reason that Marcel was selected as one of the worst, the fact that his peers all agreed that he belonged there has to be taken into consideration. Ptom says that his peers just want to knock him down a peg. That garlic was strong, but nothing on the plate was aggressively bad. Elia is watching this somewhere, cackling and thinking "take that, majority vote". Suyai's nerves got the best of her, which Ptom points out is the first thing she said to him in his walkthrough. OK. I don't like the way Ptom's observations are structured, but he did fairly warn the chefs that they'd be taken into consideration. But just when Ptom starts to make a glimmer of sense, off he goes into Assville again. He says Otto did the same thing, by willingly referencing his undercooked rice. Gail tries to gently point out that they kind of, you know, DIRECTLY ASKED OTTO WHAT HE'D CHANGE ABOUT HIS DISH, but Ptom's not buying. God, I fucking hate him. Harold says that it's important to stand behind your food, implying that you shouldn't come out and admit when something didn't turn out right. Shut up, Harold. You fell on the sword plenty. The judges reach a decision. The bottom four come back in.

Commercials. God bless that lady for at least attempting to do The Worm.

Elimination. One of you has to go. Otto has too much experience to allow undercooked rice to be served. Hey, I thought he was supposed to stand behind it. Christ, if you're going to come up with bullshit critiques, could you at least stick to one? Suyai lacks confidence. Marcel shouldn't be so quick to pawn off his low placement on jealousy. Carlos was unfocused. And the loser is... Suyai. Please pack your knives and go. Wow, it feels so weird to type that without the robot-speak. Padma actually infuses it with a little too much emotion. You're not sending Suyai to the guillotine. Suyai thanks the judges, and goes back to hug everyone good-bye. She's not surprised at her elimination, admitting she pretty much did this to herself. She's not sure what she'll be doing next, but will certainly keep on cooking. She goes out by laughingly saying that at least she knows how to flambe now. Hehehe. Aw, she would have been fun.

This season on Top Chef: Cooking. Fire. Tension. Shopping. Fighting. Bitchy judging. Crying. Threatening. Betty showing an inappropriate amount of boob. I don't know, you guys. If the judging continues to be as arbitrary and unfair, I'm not sure I'm in for the whole season. Consider yourself on probation, Top Chef.

Overall Grade: C