Finale - Part 2

Top Chef - Season 2, Episode 13

Ilan the raging dickhead wins, which is a fitting end to an extremely shitty season. That's the extent of the detail I'm going to go into about this episode, because I care too much about my blood pressure to relive it.

Rather than talking about the finale, I'm going to quote myself from way back when:

So, Top Chef. Inaugural seasons are hard to call, because you never know if the show is going to get better over time (Project Runway) or worse (America's Next Top Model). If I give the season a C, will I think more kindly of it if the next one sucks rocks? This show certainly has plenty to improve upon. I know asking for a new hostess and new judges is like crying for the moon, but I have to try. The judging was far and away the worst thing about the show. Ptom is an egotistical asshole, KatieBot has the charisma of a Saltine, and Gail is...well, I don't have much of a problem with Gail. I'd probably like her more if she were grouped with different people. That's a big stumbling block as far as enjoying the show overall. Disliking the judges is not the same thing as disliking a particular challenge. At least a sucky challenge is dispensed with in one episode. Also, the consistent bringing in the top three, then the bottom three -- combined with showing who winds up at the table in the episode previews -- killed a lot of suspense. Really, the entire judging aspect of the show needs to be overhauled.

Still, there was plenty to love about Top Chef, and they got a lot right for their first try at this. The casting was far better than I thought it was going to be when I first heard about these particular contestants. Ken was a bad idea, but at least it was a mistake that was quickly rectified. Tiffani and Stephen were engaging villains. Lee Anne, Andrea, Cynthia, and Lisa had me in their cheering sections, and Harold was a likable and deserving winner. Most of the guest judges were articulate and fair. Most of the challenges were creative and well-planned. That's nothing to sneeze at.

There's just that fucking Ptom.

Overall Season Grade: B-

Wow. I never would have imagined when I originally wrote this that the Reality Show Gods were listening, and pretty much fixed everything I asked them to. KatieBot has been banished, and Padma was an articulate and engaging replacement. Ptom reined in his attitude, only being a total jerkoff in one episode. Lo and behold, the judging has been fixed.

But the Reality Show Gods are a mischievous bunch. They righted what I thought was wrong...and ruined everything that I thought was right. The casting? Awful. Anyone with a shred of likability was a distant memory by the halfway point. The villains? All the conceit of Jeffrey, the pomposity of Tiffani, and the arrogance of Stephen, with none of the fun. The challenges? Crappy retreads of first-season challenges, or worse, retreads of earlier challenges in this season. The winner? A fucking scumwad. Compared to Ilan, Jeffrey's my favorite person ever. This show started out so promising, and has quickly slid into joyless, unwatchable muck. Good riddance, Season 2.

Overall Grade: D-
Overall Season Grade: D-

Finale - Part 1

Top Chef - Season 2, Episode 12

Aloha. Well, I was going to say that this was a refreshing change from the usual blah-blah-I-hate-Marcel-blah-blah episode. I was going to say that I was thrilled to see a well-designed challenge, and a passionate debate amongst the judges. I was going to say that this show totally shines when they focus on the thought and emotion that goes into making impressive food. And then the last ten minutes happened.

We waste literally twenty minutes just getting the four finalists off the mainland and ready to cook in Hawaii. They have a traditional Hawaiian meal with a very cool guest judge, and are told that the upcoming challenge is an Elimination Challenge. Dun dun duuuuun! It turns out that they need to make two of the same dishes that they just had, but with their own twist on it. Plus, two chefs will be chopped, which takes all the contestants aback for some strange reason. All four of the finalists come up with neat ideas, and all four really impress the judges, though there are a few minor complaints about each of them. And then the episode ends.

No, not really, but I wish it had. Ilan tries to smear Marcel to the judges yet again, only this time, Elia's in on it as well. They accuse Marcel of sort-of-but-not-really cheating (um...), and having an attitude in the Kitchen. It blows up in their faces, Ptom awesomely shoots them down, and Elia, having now ensured that there is literally nobody left to root for, gets eliminated. Sam gets chunked right behind her, for no other reason than to set up a Good vs. Evil final two of Ilan and Marcel. Except... Who's supposed to be the good one?

Overall Grade: C-

Sense and Sensuality

Top Chef - Season 2, Episode 11

Previously on Top Chef: People didn't like Marcel. Oh, great. Another episode centered around massive bullying. We've only had about seven of those. The challenge designers ran out of ideas and did an updated version of Restaurant Wars, which went about as well as doing an updated version of Star Wars. Michael needed excessive supervision. THE TELLTALE OLIVE PIT ruined Padma's evening. Nobody won, Michael lost, and good God, isn't this season over yet? Five gelatin genies remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Morning at the Cellblock. Chefs snooze. Sam looks like hell in the morning. Well, I'm sure everyone looks like hell in the morning, but Sam's the only one they show looking all scuzzy. He interviews that he's not looking to step on anyone else, but will "cook his way to the top", which is now stuck in my head to the tune of "Fake Your Way to the Top" from Dreamgirls. Damn. Elia also wants to make it to the finals. Hey, yeah. This is the last elimination round. Ilan interviews that he moved in with Elia last night, because she was lonely. Of course, he's contractually obliged to mention how much he dislikes Marcel in the same breath, because he's a psychotic douchebag. This season over yet? No? Crud. Marcel muses about knowing who his toughest competition was going to be from Day One.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs stream into the Kitchen. Padma meets them there, wearing a leather jacket that sticks out like a sore thumb, but she looks pretty, as usual. She introduces this round's guest judge, Eric Ripert, who looks like what would result if Val Kilmer and Jay Manuel had a baby. He's one of those chefs that is a big deal in the culinary world, but I've never heard of him, so I can't respond with an appropriate level of awe. Cliff is nervous to cook for him. Padma tells the chefs that eating is a sensual experience. I'm not sure anyone who saw me last night, as I was gnawing on a leg of fried chicken while trying to catch the bits of crumbling skin in my cupped hand, would agree. There's more talk about the Artistry of Cooking and such, but it's just a bunch of blah to lead us into the fact that for the Quickfire today, the chefs will be working with chocolate. Marcel interviews that working with chocolate is not his forte, so he's worried about what he's going to do. Padma tells the chefs that they have 90 minutes to throw together either a sweet or savory dish incorporating at least one of the two available flavors of chocolate. We see that one is bittersweet, so I guess the other one is just pure, milk chocolate.

The countdown starts. Marcel tells the camera that he'll be preparing potato "cannelloni", by which he may mean "cannoli". What the hell do I know? Wait. Potatoes and chocolate? Ew. Sounds like snacktime at Pee-wee's Playhouse. Sam tosses something in a pan. Ilan tastes something out of a bowl using a small utensil, so he successfully avoids pulling a Ken. Good for him. He pours melted chocolate into some molds as he explains that he's making chocolate truffles with sauteed chicken livers in the middle. Now, I happen to LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE sauteed chicken livers. And naturally, I enjoy chocolate as well. But that combination sounds totally disgusting. Marcel has problems with the fragility of his thin potato rolls. He trashes his first try, and immediately bounces back and make a much more successful batch. Sam dots some banana slices with green goo. Everyone plates their food. Time runs out.

The judges start with Elia. She says she was thinking along the lines of a mole, so she poached some chicken and topped it with a chili chocolate sauce, and added carmelized pecans. Eric finds the chocolate flavor very strong. Elia tries to play the "Mexican tradition" card, but Eric the Frenchman isn't having it. He says that even in Mexico, the chocolate flavor wouldn't be so overpowering. Zing! Elia has made a second dish as well, which is a ginger/chocolate mousse with strawberries and mint on a "crumble". Crumbled what, we're never told. Eric likes that one much better, and Padma says it's very creamy. Next is Sam, who reminds us all that he doesn't eat a lot of chocolate, being diabetic and all. He's avoided making a sweet dish, choosing instead to make shrimp and banana with chocolate chipotle, black bean, and cilantro pesto sauces. I just don't understand these combinations. Shrimp and banana? Note that Sam mispronounces "chipotle" in the exact same way Michael did, but since Sam is "The Hunk" and Michael was "The Goofy Screwup", nothing is ever said about it. Eric finds the banana flavor "surprising". It appears to be the good sort of surprise.

Cliff has made braised chicken with piquillo pepper, rosemary, and a chocolate sauce with potatoes. Eric calls it "tasty" and "well-balanced". Ilan says he has "attempted" to make a chocolate candy with encapsulated chicken livers. There's also some fried ginger and reduced sherry on the plate, but who cares? Chicken livers and chocolate! Marcel interviews that he couldn't believe Ilan would serve something like that, and says he feels a little bad for him. Hehe. When your mortal enemy pities you? Ouch. Eric says the chocolate is overpowering. So this is the third Quickfire in a row that Ilan has tanked. Perhaps he'd like to give that high horse a rest for a while. Marcel presents his potato cannellonis. Half are filled with chocolate mousse with vanilla powder, and half with coffee whipped cream. Unless "whip cream" is a real product, but I'm assuming that the morons in charge of titles on this show are just up to their usual standards of quality. Eric appears to be impressed, though not effusively so. Marcel is pleased.

Padma asks Eric how everyone did, and he says that cooking with chocolate is very difficult when you're not making a dessert. Seems to me like a couple of these plates were unabashedly dessert, but whatever. Anyway, Sam's was great, Marcel had an original idea, and Cliff's was tasty, but a bit unimaginative. Elia should have stuck to one dish. Eric didn't like her chicken, which she grouses about in an interview. Ilan's sucked horribly. I believe Eric's exact words are "shouldn't be served in a restaurant". Eric goes on to announce Sam as the winner with absolutely no hesitation. Marcel shakes Sam's hand. Cliff is still giddy over Eric's presence. We spring right into the Elimination Challenge with little fanfare. So little fanfare that they don't even show the usual Elimination Challenge graphic, accompanied by the usual "fwwwiiiiiiish!" knife sound. This challenge will determine which four chefs are going to the finals in Hawaii. The challenge? Sigh. Band together and create a five-course dinner. I swear there are three challenge types written on slips of paper, and they just pull one out each week. The only thing that makes this any different from the other "Band together and create an X-course dinner" challenges is that this one is going to be a romantic dinner for celebratory couples. Sam realizes how important doing well in this challenge will be.

Padma says that the challenge will take place in Santa Barbara, which she calls the most romantic destination in California. If you say so. There's a bad overdub of her adding that the city is also known for its culinary sophistication, which...not. No offense, Santa Barbara. Cliff's excited. Padma tells Sam that as the winner of the Quickfire, he gets to pick which course he'll prepare, and also which protein he'll use. None of the chefs can use the same proteins as each other. Shopping later today, then off to Santa Barbara tomorrow, where the chefs will pick out wines to pair with their courses. Padma wishes them luck, and she and Eric take their leave. Sam immediately chooses the first course. Ilan makes weird hand signals in the background. It appears like he's trying to get Sam to assign the other courses, which Sam doesn't get to do. Weird. Cliff interviews that the different-protein rule shouldn't cause any problems unless Sam decides to be mean and do a bouillabaisse. Heh. As Sam takes a couple of minutes to decide what he'd like to prepare (and note that nobody jumps down his throat for this -- hypocrites), Marcel and Elia discuss what they might like to do. Marcel thinks he may want to use lobster, but Sam announces that he'll be taking the first course, and will be using lobster and scallops. Other courses are divided up, and as usual, nobody wants to touch dessert with a ten-foot pole. It's times like this I wish Marisa were still around to grab dessert, brag about it, screw it up, and go all crazy at Judges' Table. That was fun. Sam prods Elia into doing dessert, saying the judges will give her credit for taking a risk. She falls for it. Er...she accepts, that is.

Commercials. I don't even like chocolate cake that much, but daaaaaaamn. That looks good.

Shopping. Cliff recaps the challenge. We run down the menu, but since the title department is involved, it's really anyone's guess what will actually show up on the table. Sam is making seared scallops with lobster plum sauce and beets. Ilan is making fideos with clams and saffron for the second course. Marcel is nonplussed to see that Sam is using beets, because his dish calls for them as well. Beets are really popular with this set of chefs. Didn't Betty use a ton of them? Anyway, Marcel refuses to change his vegetable idea, because Sam has already yoinked lobster out from underneath him. That's pretty dumb. Why risk alienating the diners with a barrage of beets just to prove a point? Marcel's making salmon with celeriac and beets, and there must be several different vegetables he could substitute in. Cliff's handling the fourth course, which will be sirloin with lentil puree and plum jam. Sounds good. Elia's making dessert, which will be called "The Kiss". It's a chocolate mousse with a chocolate heart served on a pastry heart, so it's partially based off the half of her Quickfire entry that Eric liked. No shopping drama. Could this episode actually be about, like, food and stuff? Awesome!

Santa Barbara. Birds and sailboats are happy to see everyone. Everyone stops by a wine store. They buy wine. It takes all of fifteen seconds. The chefs pull up to the restaurant at which they'll be serving dinner. Marcel thinks there will be plenty of time to get everything ready. Ptom meets them in the kitchen, and tells them they'll be cooking for about thirty people. I hope they knew the amount of food to buy before now. The chefs explore the kitchen, and Ptom starts the timer that gives them five hours of prep time. Sam interviews that he's very focused in the kitchen, and he starts right away. Ilan looks for a cutting board. Marcel wants to wash his vegetables in the sink, and Cliff's vegetables are kind of in the way. Marcel's snotty about it. Cliff interviews that Marcel's annoying. And for ONCE, the level of irritation at Marcel is actually in proportion to his behavior. Progress! Food chaos ensues. Aw, Marcel's putting little heart shapes on the salmon. He's nervous, because there's so much riding on the challenge. Sam thinks Marcel's insistence on using beets is silly. Elia makes a pan of chocolate (looks like there may be some caramel and/or butterscotch in there too -- mmm). She knows cutting heart shapes out of it is cheesy, but she's aiming for something romantic. Cliff says he doesn't plan on doing anything to screw up his chances of going to the finals. A loud siren starts going off. OK, not really, but it should have.

As time starts to run down, Sam asks Elia if she'll be able to help him plate his course. She considers this for a moment, then agrees. Sam then moves on to Marcel, and we'll need to plug in our translators now. "When my course goes, are you going to be able to help or are you gonna be stuck?". In human language: "I am asking you for a favor, but recognize that you may have more pressing issues." In Samese: "You will, of course, be willing to drop what you're doing and assist me, correct?". Marcel, being human, hears it as it should be heard, assesses how much work he has yet to do, and tells Sam that he doesn't think he'll be able to help. This gets translated back into Samese as "Fuck you", and so Sam concludes that Marcel acts like an adolescent twat. I really don't know, as in the Betty/Ilan situation, if Sam is being deliberately obtuse here, or is just plain stupid.

Limecrete: "Hey, So-and-So. Can you pick me up at the airport on Wednesday afternoon?"
So-and-So: "Hmm. It looks like I'm going to be stuck at work on Wednesday afternoon, so I won't be able to do that."
Limecrete: "Well, you're just adolescent!!!!!!!!"

I mean, how does that even make any sense? These goddamn people. The celebrating couples begin to arrive at the restaurant, and peruse the menu. I'm sure they're eating for free, which is nice, but I'd hate to show up to a romantic dinner and not have a choice of what I'm eating. I'm not sure my boyfriend would be in much of a romantic mood when my allergic reaction to Sam's scallops kicked in, and I began projectile vomiting. The judges have a table as well. Various adorable couples tell us how long they've been together. Aw. Cliff and Ilan help Sam plate up his course. Elia, though she's agreed to, doesn't help, because she has the nerve to be working on her own food. Of course, Sam doesn't utter a single ill word against her. These goddamn people. Sam's course is served, with odd porn jazz in the background. The judges really like it, as do the other diners. Meanwhile, Ilan's dish is coming right down to the wire, because he's waiting for the clams in his pans to open. Marcel comes over and asks if Ilan needs the entire line of burners (that's ten of them). Ilan mostly ignores him, but it looks like Marcel is given access to one burner. One burner to prepare thirty pieces of fish for the next course. Now, I'm not going to give Ilan grief for hogging the burners when his course is fifteen seconds from being served. He needs them to be ready. Fine. But let's just imagine Ilan's reaction, should their positions be reversed. I imagine something along the lines of Chernobyl.

Ilan's food goes out, and is well-received. One guy just nods nervously as his wife compliments the clams, like he's scared he'll say something wrong. Heh. The judges also really like it. Meanwhile, Sam's doing what he does best. Being a passive-aggressive little girl over the fact that Marcel was too busy to help him. He snots that he's certainly not going to help Marcel. In fact, Marcel interviews that nobody would help him, but Cliff is shown helping out. Not that the help is that stellar, as an entire pan of salmon slides right by Cliff, and onto the floor. It's unservable now, and Marcel worries about what he's going to do.

Commercials. I like Diane Keaton and everything, but any impulse I would have had to see this movie is now completely exhausted. All things in moderation, ad people.

The diners happily drink their wine. Meanwhile, Sam is interviewing that while he really wants to be the jerk and not help Marcel, he can't be that big of an asshole, so he does give Marcel some assistance. I'm not going to waste any time patting him on the back for overcoming a temper tantrum he should never have had in the first place. Even Ilan is helping plate Marcel's food. I guess if he can't convince anyone else to be in his cabal, he's not interested in being the sole bully. Marcel interviews that he's made up for the loss of fish by cutting the larger pieces in half. The diners and judges seem to enjoy it. Gail either really thinks the little potato hearts across the top of the fish are precious, or she's being extremely deadpan in making fun of them. I've decided it's the latter, so hehehehe. One of the diners isn't thrilled she's getting more beets. Cliff plates his food. The sirloin looks good. Marcel opines in an interview that Cliff likes to go the safe route, hoping another chef will screw up enough to deflect attention. This is the first plate to get real criticism from the judges. Padma trades her extremely rare piece of meat for Ptom's piece, which is more cooked through. Ptom can't see why Cliff would puree the lentils to serve as a side dish. Eric calls it "hotel food", which is a blanket criticism on this show.

Elia plates slowly. Someone tells her she's got to go faster if she's going to be done on time. She starts to freak out, because the pan of chocolate she wants to cut heart shapes out of is stuck to the tray. It's too hard to get the heart shapes out efficiently. Sam gives her good advice, which is to just rip the chocolate off the tray and break it up into little pieces by hand. She wants to save the hearts she's made already, but he says it won't look right if some people get hearts and some don't. He says the broken pieces of chocolate look much better than some cheesy heart shape anyway. Despite all this comfort, Elia throws up her hands in defeat, declaring that she's just done; she quits. She's having a meltdown over something this minor? Calm down, lady. She interviews that it looks and tastes good, but it wasn't up to the standard she wanted it to be, especially when it's served to a chef like Eric. She's on the verge of tears as she tells Ilan it's the first time in the whole competition that she's not happy with the food she put out. Various couples enjoy the dessert. All the judges can find to say about it is that she's not delivering a chocolate heart as promised on the menu. What the hell? If these people bust Elia's chops over serving them food that's not the shape they were expecting, I am going to be furious. Ilan interviews that Elia's a perfectionist, but he thinks the dessert turned out beautiful.

The judges talk about the meal. Padma and Gail think it's the best food they've seen so far. Ptom doesn't get what was romantic about it. I'd like to hear what he thinks would be a romantic meal. That sounds snide, but I actually mean it. What sets a food apart as "romantic" without going over the top? The other judges semi-disagree with Ptom, thinking the scallops were very romantic. Ilan thinks all the plates looked good tonight, so it may come down to who was the least romantic. Sam, Cliff, and Marcel fret over their chances. Marcel pops the cork off a bottle of wine with a knife, which used to impress me mightily, and pretty much doesn't anymore.

Cellblock. Ilan interviews that the chefs borrowed a camera for the evening, and that everyone was loopy and excited after the challenge. It's the usual kind of goofy 2:00 AM filming after people have had a few drinks, only there's less boob-flashing. They start talking about how Elia's always wanted to shave her head. Ilan, always a fan of the bandwagon, tells her that if she shaves her head, he will too. It becomes a kind of I-dare-you thing. Ilan is the first to actually go through with it, and Elia helps shave off his hair as Sam tells them they're out of their minds. Ilan looks much better afterwards. That haircut he had suits nobody. Elia's up next, and she happily starts shearing off her hair. Aw, I love Elia's hair! Boo! Cliff's giggly. Elia, in interview, pulls off a wig to reveal her bald head. She looks kind of Sinead O'Connor-y. It's not flattering. Cliff's already bald, and Sam opts out of the whole head-shaving thing. Oof, I don't blame him. He'd look goofy with a shaved head. And this is when Cliff interviews that they thought it'd be funny to shave Marcel's head as well. And if they all just sat their bald, drunk asses around a table and joked about how funny that would be, this entire scene would be pretty hilarious and entertaining.

Instead, Cliff goes to where Marcel's sleeping (which is a couch for some reason), and pulls him up. Someone turns the lights on. Cliff pulls Marcel up some more, Marcel, now aware that he isn't dreaming, tries to fight him off. Cliff is much bigger than him, and has no trouble getting him up and pinned to the floor. Ilan is joyously calling for Sam. Sam sits to the side, not participating, but with a wide grin pasted on his face as he watches. Cut to Sam interviewing that it was "an uncomfortable situation for all parties involved". Um, no. I'd say you looked quite comfortable, indeed. Ilan is now joyously calling to Elia for help in attacking Marcel. She's not in the room, and doesn't come, but knows exactly what's going on. Marcel interviews, with an odd sense of calm, about what was happening to him. He manages to break free and walk into another room. Ilan kiddingly tells Cliff to apologize to Marcel in a let's-appease-the-baby-with-no-sense-of-humor tone of voice. Cliff interviews that it was a stupid joke on the chefs' part. That indicates that the whole ordeal is over, and it wasn't. Sam eggs one of the other chefs into starting it up with Marcel AGAIN, and one of them (either Cliff or Ilan) approaches Marcel with the camera. But wouldn't you know it, Marcel's not in the best mood over the whole getting physically attacked thing, and shoves the camera out of his face. He interviews he went down the hall and just slept on the bathroom floor.

And at this point, I've completely lost my patience with this season, this show, and reality television in general. Assault dressed up as a practical joke is not entertaining. Mob rule against an annoying, but basically harmless person is not entertaining. From that scene on, I'm just going to give a short summary of what happens on this season of Top Chef, because spending a few hours writing about this set of people isn't fun anymore. At all.

In the morning, the chefs regret what they've done to Marcel. Oh, well that makes everything better. Ptom shows up, shooes everyone out of the room but Cliff, tells him he's broken the rules of the show by physically handling Marcel, and tosses him out of the competition. Cliff makes a surprised face, like, "Huh? There are consequences for assault?". To his credit, Cliff knows he brought it on himself. What's weird is that he seems most disappointed about not going to the finals, when I think his more pressing concern should be "You want a job? Weren't you one of those people who attacked someone you didn't like, and tried to disguise it as a joke? Yeah, don't call us. We'll call you." Ptom tells the other chefs what happened, and that there will still be a Judges' Table in the evening. Cliff says good-bye. Marcel shakes his hand, saying he wishes things didn't turn out the way they did. Cliff apologizes, and he's the only one to do so, though they all owe him an extremely large one. Marcel feels bad about the situation, and Cliff interviews that he wishes Marcel nothing but the best, and ironically, he's about the only one I believe when he says that. For him, it was a joke that got out of hand. For Sam and Ilan, who have expressed nothing but vile loathing for Marcel since Day One, this was much more serious. And yet, they won't be penalized a single bit, because they're not the ones who actually touched Marcel. Bullshit. I later read that Ptom wanted to pretty much disqualify everyone and declare Marcel the automatic winner of the season. Naturally, the producers wouldn't let him do that, but for the sentiment, let me say: Ptom, you're my hero.

Judges' Table. Ptom informs the others what has happened, which seems to genuinely surprise Padma and Gail. They also quickly agree that had things progressed normally, Cliff may very well have been the chef eliminated anyway. His food didn't particularly impress anyone. The chefs come in. Padma narrows her eyes at the chefs. Gail has a face like "Shaved heads? What the fuck ever." All the judges, save Eric, yell at Elia, Sam, and Ilan for participating (or not stopping) the attack on Marcel, and say several things about how antithetical that behavior is to what they're looking for in a winner. They decide to move on and discuss the food, but not before Padma calls the chefs idiots, so let me say: Padma, you're my hero.

Marcel's food was great, but lacked acidity. Elia's food was great, but she didn't do much for five hours' worth of work. Ilan's was fine. Sam's was great, but had a very strong sauce and didn't have quite enough lobster in it. After the chefs are dismissed, the judges deliberate. Sam and Ilan seem to be the favorites, while Marcel's salmon is found to be a bit boring, and Elia's dessert was lacking. Padma wants to see what Marcel will do in Hawaii. Ptom wonders why Elia even made a dessert, as if the chefs wouldn't have been torn new assholes if someone didn't make a dessert for a "romantic" meal. The judges reach a decision. The chefs come back in. Padma tells Sam and Ilan that they're moving onto the finale. Hooray for people that instigate and tolerate assaulting their competition! Padma then messes with me by telling both Elia and Marcel to pack their knives. Because they're both going to Hawaii as well. Eeesh, she pulled that off well. I was convinced they were both eliminated, and I thought there would be no way that Marcel could go home after what happened to him. Well done, Padma.

So, all four chefs are off to Hawaii. And I'll watch the shows, because now I have to see who wins. And then we can mercifully let these assholes sink back into obscurity where they belong.

Overall Grade: D-

Unhappy Customers

Top Chef - Season 2, Episode 10

Previously on Top Chef: Everything in the world, including the bubonic plague, was Marcel's fault. Michael snuck in and won his first challenge. Then his second. Betty's string of crappy food and crappier behavior finally came to an end. Six muffin-manglers remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Cellblock. Elia always seems to find it strange that the eliminated contestant isn't there the next day. I wonder if she's fully grasped the concept of elimination. She's the sole woman left, and really wants to make it to the finale. I want it too, Elia. Hang in there. She strolls over to the men's room, and everyone discusses how Michael has made Top Chef history by winning a Quickfire and an Elimination Challenge in the same episode. The fact that Michael, who's been semi-incompetent in about 80% of the challenges, is the one to set this record says a lot about this season, doesn't it? Elia asks where Marcel is, and gets dismissive answers about how he's off crying or contemplating suicide, because he's so unpopular. So I guess the bullying is still going strong. Funny thing is, Marcel certainly yells and screams as much as his tormentors do, but he's never sniveled or cried or been all "whyyyyyyy don't you guys liiiiiike me?" about it. And you know it's killing them. Marcel is up on the roof, saying he doesn't particularly feel like hanging out with the other chefs. I can't imagine why not. He's written a little something expressing his feelings, and he'd like to share it with us. Oh, good. Open up to us, Marcel.

These People -- by Marcel Vigneron
As soon as I came to this spot...
You started trying to make me out to be something I'm not.
It's taken every ounce that I've got...
Not to pop you in the face.
And you have no grounds to base your accusations off of...
Cause your building's built on quicksand.
You say my food lacks fundamentals like salt and pepa...
And I'm like 'Yo, man! Whatever!'
I don't even get stressed.
Because I know at the end of the day...
My food is fuckin' soignee!

Mind you, this is not a poem. This is performed as a full-on rap. I'm in physical pain. I had this grand idea to annotate that performance and dissect just how awful in every respect it is, from the meter to the patchy rhyme scheme, but every time I tried, my fingers would curl into fists from sheer embarrassment on his behalf. You see why I don't watch American Idol? So, let's all take a few minutes to hunt down an ipecac, and I'll meet you back here for the...

Quickfire Challenge. Padma meets the remaining chefs in the Kitchen, and introduces this round's guest judge, Mike Yakura. You may remember Mike for his impressive stream of profanity when he was a guest judge last season, but it looks like he's not counting on that to make an impression. No, now he's joined the uncountable ranks of people with Haircuts That Make A Statement, and his statement is this: "Look at my hair!". Let's give him what he wants. He's shaven all but a strip in the middle, but instead of sticking it up like a mohawk, there are large, separated strands of greased-back hair. It's fairly nasty. It's like a backwards combover. Padma tells the chefs that this round's challenges are about vision and execution, saying that original ideas are very important. That statement will be unintentionally hilarious in about ten minutes. The Quickfire today is to create an original snack, using any of the many provided ingredients on a large table. The snack must also incorporate at least one of three lovingly product-placed condiments: mayonnaise, Italian dressing, and barbecue sauce. Cliff interviews that mayonnaise is all well and good, but it's not really something you use when it comes to gourmet cooking. Mike tells the chefs that he'll be looking at how the snack is constructed (if it's physically easy to eat and such) in addition to flavor. Padma gives them the standard thirty minutes.

They're off! Sam is unabashedly looking forward to using the mayonnaise. Heh. Marcel grabs some lamb and begins making a curried mayonnaise. He plans to serve it as a kebab, saying that everyone loves meat on a stick. I know I do! And not just in the dirty sense! Michael hopes to continue winning challenges as he starts on a crab and Brie quesadilla. OK, I love crab, and I love cheese, in pretty much all its forms. But cheese ON crabmeat? Bleeeeeeeuuurg. Marcel calls out a nine-minute warning. Ilan is making little Napoleons, and interviews that he tried to foam the Italian dressing in an "homage" to Marcel. So now Ilan is beyond trashing Marcel, and beyond attempting to sabotage Marcel. He's now actively screwing up his own food, simply to try and get Marcel's goat. That settles it. Some of the other chefs may be jerks, but Ilan has taken all leave of his senses, and is into full-on, Single White Female-Hand That Rocks the Cradle-Fatal Attraction OBSESSION with Marcel. Also, note that Ilan says that he "tried" to make a foam. For all of his snottiness about Marcel's lack of cooking talent, he can't even make fun of Marcel properly, because get this, his foam doesn't work. Hahahahahahaha! People plate their food, and time runs out.

Padma and Mike go down the line, starting with Marcel. He's made a simple lamb kebab (which also has endives and tomato on it) with curried mayonnaise. There's also a touch of honey, we're told. Huh. I wonder if that'd be any good. Mike tells him it's fantastic. Marcel thanks him. Cliff has made a steak tartare with the mayonnaise, cornichons (read: cucumber), and plums. Mike tells him it's very good. Sam's up next with a sandwich that encompasses tempura shrimp, pickled peaches marinated in the Italian dressing, and a barbecue sauce aioli. That sounds really good. Mike declares it "interesting", which could go either way. Michael has made Brie and crab quesadillas with a chipotle and mayonnaise salad. I freely admit I may be missing something important, but I just don't see how that would taste good at all. He pronounces chipotle as chi-POHL-tay. Padma gently corrects him, and he mispronounces it again. She corrects him again, now fairly amused at his ignorance. As are we all. Mike asks him about mixing seafood and cheese (thank you!), but Michael just says that he likes it. Mike's all "OK, weirdo." Elia is told her plate looks lovely, which it does, though not very easy to handle. She's made a fig raisin toast with yogurt, honey, almonds, grapes, and barbecue sauce. Hmm. Mike likes the pairing of the smoky sauce with the toasted almonds and the sweet accent of the honey. Ilan has made smoked salmon Napoleons, and proudly shows off his shitty foam. Padma laughs, because poking fun at Marcel's penchant for foam is a good tease. Or would have been, had the foam not sucked, which Marcel happily points out in an interview.

The chefs gather for the decision. Bad news first. Michael's dish was "heavy-handed" and "frenetic". Also, he just glopped mayonnaise on as a condiment, instead of actually using it in the dish. Yeah, that was kind of the point to the entire challenge, Michael. That's like when Brian used the octopus challenge to...plop some octopus down on his stew. Ilan's snack was too dry. Nice job shooting yourself in the foot, there, Tex. Now, the good news. Sam's sandwich was great, and incorporated all of the three highlighted condiments. Elia's dish was fantastically clean. Marcel's kebab was great, and was heightened by the curried mayonnaise. Cliff's tartare was fantastic. Padma voices over that this Quickfire challenge will have two winners, each of whom will get a "special prize". Mike gets to choose the winners, and he selects Sam and Marcel. Sam is a good sport and shakes Marcel's hand. Padma congratulates the two of them, and takes us straight into the...

Elimination Challenge. Padma reminds the chefs that this round is about executing their vision in the real world. The six chefs will divide into two teams (of course -- haven't we been over this?). Each team will take over half of an empty restaurant space, and get it up and running in order to serve up to 24 people. I see. So, in an episode in which Padma tells everyone how important it is to have original ideas, we not only get a guest judge from the first season, but a challenge also lifted almost entirely from the first season. Boring. Say what you will about Tyra (and people say plenty), but at least she and her team have been able to come up with original photo shoot ideas for seven seasons. This is just plain lazy. As "reward" for winning the Quickfire, Marcel and Sam get to choose teams. Because the burden of responsibility for chefs who are your direct competition and getting automatic blame when things go awry are such nifty prizes. Marcel gets to choose first, and he picks Elia, of course. Sam takes Ilan. Marcel apologizes to Michael, but chooses Cliff. Cliff interviews that he's wanted to hit Marcel multiple times during the competition, but will tolerate him, because he wants to win. Wait, what? Did someone just express his dislike for Marcel in a non-idiotic way? Stop the presses!

Padma takes entirely too long to explain to the chefs that their restaurant space is just a big, empty room right now. Yep, we've got it, thanks. The teams can discuss ideas on the way to the space, will have half an hour to look around, then another half an hour to outline ideas for their "design team". Tomorrow, everyone will shop for supplies and get the space ready for customers. Both teams will be given a server to help out. Ilan interviews (in one of the many ones we've seen with his mint green bandana covered by a hood - bleh) that the challenge of preparing a restaurant in twenty-four hours is very difficult. I'll bet. The chefs head out.

On the way to the space, Elia says that she's a fast cooker, but could also be adept at handling the front of the house. Cliff interviews that working on teams has not been his strong suit (boy, I'll say), but is hoping for the best while expecting the worst. In the car, Cliff volunteers to handle front of the house. Elia softly tells the car window that she wanted to do it. She interviews that she'd be very comfortable in that role, and asks Cliff why he wants to handle it. He says that it's what he'd do in his own restaurant. Elia interviews that she's not going to pick a fight over this, and tells the team that it's fine, she'll just cook. This is where we need Deborah Tannen to come in and explain that whole disparity in man/woman working relation speech pattern thing to Elia. If she had just said "Listen, I feel really comfortable in handling the front of the house, so that's what I'd like to do," Cliff and Marcel probably wouldn't have had any problem with it. Instead, she says she can do whatever, and when Cliff takes her at her word and chooses front of the house duties, she feels like she's been snaked, which she hasn't. She was very passive about the whole thing, expressing her preference only in hints that the guys didn't pick up on. Assert yourself, Elia!

Sam interviews that he's confident with his team. He calls Ilan a "great cook" immediately following up by calling Michael a "good guy". Hehehehe. Nice backhanded compliment. They talk about what to name their restaurant, and come up with the idea of combining the names of their girlfriends/wives. Michael's wife is Lacey, Sam's girlfriend is Lauren, and Ilan's girlfriend is Carolina, so they settle on Lalalina. Dear Carolina, I know I know literally nothing about you but your name, but you can do better. Love, Limecrete. Team Lalalina hopes to win, and agrees that Marcel's got to be the one eliminated. Well, maybe that goal would be more easily accomplished if 2/3 of you didn't screw up the Quickfire. The teams arrive at the space, and as promised, it is big and empty. Various chefs tell us this as if we can't see it for ourselves or haven't been told about it multiple times by Padma. WE GET IT. Empty space. Consider it understood. The chefs discover that they'll be sharing a kitchen. Marcel interviews that they've got their work cut out for them, and really drives home the point by making Dave Coulier-ish hand symbols at us. Marcel gets lamer with every interview.

Commercials. Are that lady's babies OK? They're very bald. Chemo bald.

Elia recaps the challenge for us. Lalalina's "design team" comes in. It's one lady who will purchase paint and decorations and such, and help put the room together. Fancy! Her name is Marla, and they settle in to discuss ideas. They'd like to put together an Italian theme. Sam tells Marla to picture an eighty-year-old grandmother in the kitchen. Nicely evocative. Christine is the other side's "design team". They tell her they're going for a Mediterranean theme (and decide to call the restaurant Medi), but note that the tables provided kind of bring to mind a '50s diner. Armed with overall ideas but precious few details, Marla and Christine head out to shop. I don't envy them their task. On the way back to the Cellblock, Elia jokes that they should have just gone with a diner theme, and that she can whip up a really good burger. That joke plants the seed of a genuine idea, and after tossing it back and forth a bit, the team decides to completely rework their idea and go with the diner theme (although Cliff is never shown agreeing or disagreeing). By the time they get back to the Cellblock, the entire concept has been thrown together, and they decide to call their restaurant M.E.C. (presumably their initials -- one would hope they could have been a bit more imaginative, but whatever). It falls to Cliff to call Christine and tell her to forget everything they told her before. Surprisingly, Christine doesn't seem to mind at all. I guess she hasn't bought anything yet. Lalalina sits at a table and ponders their menu. They make up a shopping list.

Morning. Ilan's Festival of Obsession - Part 2. He and Elia are lounging around, and he tells her that both of them need to make it to the finals. He says that he doesn't want to be mean, but he hopes M.E.C. loses, and that Marcel goes home. He never suggests to Elia that she intentionally try and throw the challenge, but I suppose we're meant to think that, because Elia interviews that she's never had any trouble with Marcel, and that they're working together on the same team. What Ilan does do is ask her to blame absolutely everything on Marcel, should M.E.C. lose. Elia nicely plays this off by saying she just doesn't want to wind up at the losers' table, instead of telling him to cram it sideways, which is what she's probably thinking.

Time to shop. Cliff and Michael head to the restaurant supply store, whose employees are no doubt cursing the day they ever agreed to partner up with this show. They have an hour and $500 for supplies. The other chefs go to the grocery store, and have the same time and budget constraints. Sam tells us about the Lalalina menu. First, there will be a fried meatball, followed up with spaghetti topped with parsley-walnut pesto. The main course will be roasted pork loin with sofrito sauce, and for dessert, watermelon "gnocchi". If I knew more about food, I'd know why that's in quotes (or maybe not, since this show is horrible about punctuation), but I have no idea. Sam and Ilan call Michael to discuss something or other, but the entire purpose of the scene is to show off the product-placed picture phone. Too bad it shows the picture Michael sends taking a hideously long time to upload. Marcel and Cliff are also on the phone, talking about which drinks to purchase. They settle on beer and root beer. The M.E.C. menu will be a barbecue-coffee chicken wing (odd), tempura vegetables, "The Best Burger Ever", and Oreo lemon pie for dessert. Ilan (or Sam) tells Michael on the phone that they didn't have enough money to buy wine, so Michael puts back the wineglasses he was going to purchase. As a result of this, he's left with $100 or so unspent. Meanwhile, Sam is fretting over not buying wine for an Italian dinner, as well he should. He doesn't fret for long, and eventually just decides that everything's going to be OK. Hmm.

Back at the restaurant, the chefs have four hours of prep time. Marcel enjoys working the line in the kitchen. Glad to hear it. With three hours left, Christine is hard at work out in the front, getting the dining space ready. Cliff interviews that he had to do a lot of running around, between helping prep things in the kitchen, and making sure Christine isn't "hanging herself". Over on Lalalina, Michael interviews that they're working together as a team, rather than having a leader. Marla is nowhere to be seen. Sam is nervous that a space named after their girlfriends is going to wind up looking like crap. Hehehe. I like this low-key Sam much better than the Sam in, well, pretty much every other episode. On M.E.C., Elia interviews that she was disturbed that Cliff raised his voice to her while getting things ready. I steel myself for yet another so-and-so hates so-and-so episode, but I can tell you now that this tension pretty much never amounts to anything, so let's not waste any more time on it. Marla finally shows up with two hours to go. She needs one of the guys to help her, so Michael starts trying to get the room decorated. It's not going well. M.E.C. is behind as well. Christine has left to get some carpet, and not much is getting done in her absence.

In the kitchen, Sam suggests that Ilan pull his bacon off of the stove. Ilan tells him that it's almost done. Ptom stops by to check in. He and Marla kid about how Michael isn't doing any work. Sam has no time for this, and asks to use Michael in the kitchen for a while. And lo and behold, Ilan's bacon is totally burnt and ruined. Mmm, that schadenfreude is delicious. Sam curtly tells him to throw the bacon away. Ilan interviews that he was doing three things at once, and that Sam was mad at him for screwing up. Yep. Sam hurriedly slices some more bacon. Ilan apologizes.

Ptom comes back to the kitchen and also admonishes Ilan for screwing up. If I liked Ilan more, I'd point out that everyone makes mistakes, and at least he took responsibility for it, instead of snotting something about how he's too busy to make sure everything's going well. But since I loathe him, I'll just revel over this twit who spends 90% of his time crabbing about how much someone else sucks, while simultaneously messing up challenges left and right. Marcel and Ptom talk for a moment, and Marcel seems very confident in his team's success. Ten minutes left. The usual cooking chaos ensues. The finishing touches are put on the dining rooms, which still look pretty crappy. It's understandable, but let's not pretend they accomplished anything noteworthy with the decorating on either side. Various people that the show managed to snow into eating on-camera wait outside. Time runs out.

Commercials. Oof, don't tempt me with those pretty coffee tables. I desperately need a new one.

Marcel interviews that the dining room could still certainly use some work, but that all the food is ready. The diners start to come in, and are presented with both teams' menus. They get to choose which restaurant they'll eat in. Ilan has the grace to be worried about Lalalina's chances, because he ate one of Elia's burgers, which he found extremely delicious. Aw, that was nice of him. Do that 5,603,824 more times and I may start to think you're not a waste of perfectly good organs, Ilan. Look at me, getting all soft. Initially, Lalalina gets far more diners. As one guest puts it, "You can get a burger somewhere else." Cliff is worried about attracting diners to M.E.C. The poor M.E.C. server stands around looking ineffectual. In fact, some of the diners who go to M.E.C. only do so because Lalalina is full. Ouch. The M.E.C. server finally has something to do. He's really cute, by the way. He offers people their beer or root beer. A guest at Lalalina eats an olive from a dish of them set out on the table. His companion asks him what he's going to do with the pit, and having nowhere else to put it, it just goes on the table. So that was a relatively minor little scene. We don't know at this point that that olive pit will wind up being THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD.

Ilan admits to having no serving experience. He and the server take out the fried meatball. A table of guests talk about whether they're going to have white or red wine. Rut roh. The judges come in and seat themselves at an M.E.C. table. Cliff interviews that he's embracing his first serving experience wholeheartedly. He does seem to be looking after the random guests, but makes a critical mistake in leaving the judges hanging for all of five minutes. Horrors! They're bitchy about it. Cliff admits that maybe he's taken on a little too much, what with this massive amount of front of the house duties. Each restaurant can seat up to twenty-four people, right? That's not many at all. Plus, they've got help! Are you telling me that Cliff and Ilan can't handle serving twelve people? Experience or not, that seems pretty easy to me, especially when the menus are pre-set. Marcel interviews that Cliff was not expediting the food well, and doesn't know why Cliff even volunteered to take on serving duty. The judges get their drinks brought to them after ten minutes. OK, I take back my sarcastic "Horrors!". That is too long.

Over at Lalalina, Ilan and the server take out linguini with pesto, which also has mushrooms in it. So, it's completely different from what the titles in the grocery store said they'd be serving. Is this season over yet? A couple of the guests find the mushrooms salty and overdone. Michael interviews that Sam's freaking out a little bit, which appears to be because Michael needs direction on every single thing. Sam interviews that he's been "helping Michael along the way", because he likes him, but he's tired of having to tell him how to do everything. After eighteen minutes of waiting, the judges finally get a lonely little chicken wing served to them. Yike. They're not happy with it. Gail finds the sauce sloppy, and most of them decide the wing is undercooked. The tempura vegetables are much more successful. Both the guests and the judges seem to enjoy them. Elia finds Cliff's service slow. I find the pacing in this episode slow. Marcel reiterates that service is not Cliff's forte. The burger is met with mixed reviews. Padma likes the chips that accompany it, and Mike likes the flavor, but Gail thinks hers is overdone. More pointless kitchen tension. Cliff serves the judges dessert. Mike isn't impressed by a simple crushed Oreo. Guests fill out their comment cards. The judges leave. Cliff is apprehensive.

The judges get seated at Lalalina. Ilan explains the inspiration for the name. Padma discovers THE TELLTALE OLIVE PIT on the table. If I ever write a play, it shall be called "The Telltale Olive Pit". I guess it'll have to be my second play, after that other one concludes its run. Ilan swipes it off the table. The server gives them glasses of water (with no ice in it, I notice), and also offers tangerine soda. Ptom's not happy that there's no booze, and it looks like the other Lalalani guests are similarly bummed. There is bread (and those bowls of olives set out), but there's nothing to put those things on, such as, I don't know... Plates. Gail notes that the Lalalina service is faster as Ilan brings out the meatball. The judges really like it, even saying that the meatball is better than Elia's burger. Sam is still running around after Michael in the kitchen, trying to fix his little mistakes. Ilan and the server bring out the mushroom pasta. The judges are unimpressed.

The pork is served. There's some polenta on the side. Mike asks why it's on the side, and before Ilan can concoct an answer, asks if it's because there's too much shit on the plate. So he just asked the question so he could score a point off of somebody. Shut up, ass. Yes, you're totally cool. We've seen the hair. Ilan interviews that Mike was a bit rude. And while I'd love to be all "And you'd know from rude, wouldn't you?!?!?!", he's right. The time for being rude to the chefs is Judges' Table, if even then. Not while they're actively trying to serve you. Anyway, a random guest finds the pork bland. More Michael-needs-help blah in the kitchen. The watermelon gnocchi is served. There's Gorgonzola cheese melted on top, along with some other ingredients not worth going into. Mike likes the salt on it, but that's about it. Sam spies on them, and notes their lack of enthusiasm. The guests fill out their comment cards. Some stoner writes that the chef must have been on crack, solely to be a dick. Both teams hem and haw about their chances.

Commercials. Hey, America! Vote for the fan favorite, who will receive $10,000. Let me save you some time. The majority of voters will be squeeing women who find Sam dreamy. He'll win. I'll vomit.

Judges' Table. Mike found more personality in the Quickfire dishes than the Elimination ones. Gail thinks the M.E.C. high-end diner concept fell flat. Ptom says that a lot of diners gravitated towards Lalalina, which should count in their favor. Padma mentions THE TELLTALE OLIVE PIT. You'd think the thing maliciously jumped in her throat and actively tried to choke her. Gail blames THE TELLTALE OLIVE PIT on the lack of dishes provided. Padma can't believe they tried to pull off an Italian restaurant with no wine. Neither Cliff nor Ilan did well with their serving duties. They pit the teams' courses against each other. The meatball easily wins out over the chicken wing. The tempura vegetables beat the mushroom pasta. Neither the pork nor the burger was anything to write home about. Lalalina's watermelon dessert made Gail nauseous, but the lemon Oreo pie was boring. Speaking of boring, since neither team really impressed the judges, they decide that there will be no winner tonight. Zzzzzzz. Padma comes back to the Kitchen and summons Lalalina to the table.

Gong noise. Padma tells Lalalina that they are not the winning team. Ilan shakes his head in disbelief, because everything he makes is wonderful. Except that unimpressive plate of red food. And his soggy funnel cakes. And his dry Napoleons with non-foam. Gail reads off some of the comment cards. Complaints include the lack of wine and the aforementioned chef-on-crack barb. Gail says that the judges were thinking along the exact same lines as the diners, though I find it hard to believe they sat there and speculated about rampant drug use. THE TELLTALE OLIVE PIT is brought up. Since Michael was in charge of buying plates and had extra money left over, the fact that there was nothing to catch THE TELLTALE OLIVE PIT is considered his fault. Then the team is reamed for not serving wine. But... There wasn't money for both. Sure, yell at Michael for not using his extra money to get some much-needed plates. But he wouldn't have had that money if he had purchased wineglasses, so there's no way they could have fixed both problems. Gail reiterates what a huge freaking deal THE TELLTALE OLIVE PIT is. Ilan's meatball was good, but his service was lacking enthusiasm. Sam's dessert sucked.

Lalalina is dismissed, and Sam sends in M.E.C. Marcel asks how it went, and Sam gives an ambiguous answer, because he has no idea. Ilan fondles a meat cleaver like a psycho. M.E.C. comes out to the Judges' Table. Padma tells them that there is no winner tonight, and that a chef from either team could be eliminated. Elia takes credit for the diner idea. Marcel claims the chicken. Cliff shakes his head, which Ptom notes. Elia pipes up that the sauce on the chicken was Cliff's, and Cliff tells Marcel that it sounds an awful lot like he's trying to take full credit. Which it does. He wisely notes that taking credit for the chicken may not turn out to be to anyone's advantage. Marcel revises his statement by saying he was in charge of cooking the chicken. Ptom happily informs the team that the judges hated pretty much everything about it. The judges ask about the tempura vegetables, and Marcel again takes credit, though he's notably more anxious about doing so now. The judges compliment it. There are minor complaints about Elia's burger, with some diners writing that it tasted more like meatloaf than a burger. A meatloaf burger sounds great to me, but whatever. Cliff says he wanted the challenge of working in the front of the house, and chooses not to say if he thinks he did well or not. Heh. His service is criticized roundly. He's asked if he thinks he should go home, and he says no. Mike snappishly asks who should go, and Cliff snappishly tells him to "choose one of them" while nodding at his teammates. I don't know how I felt about that. One the one hand, off-handedly not caring which of his teammates is axed is kind of assy. On the other, he's just neatly avoided having to single someone out. M.E.C. is dismissed.

The chefs dither in the Kitchen. The judges dither over who sucked the most tonight. Cliff's service was rotten. Ilan may have done the bulk of the work. Sam's dessert was awful. Marcel's chicken fell short, but the tempura was good. Elia had a good idea, and while she didn't blow the judges away, she at least took it upon herself to make dessert. Michael apparently didn't do a damn thing but shop incompetently. Ptom brings up his omnipresent suspicion that the chefs aren't trying to win; just skate by. I don't know, I think he was right the last time he said that, but it looked like both teams were putting out plenty of effort tonight. They just didn't perform well. The judges make a decision.

Commercials. Dreamgirls. Rocked.

Elimination. All six chefs are brought out. Elia took a risk, and is told that she's safe. Ilan carried the weight of the team. He's safe. Marcel also did the bulk of the work, and his tempura redeemed his awful chicken. He's safe. That leaves Cliff and his service issues, Sam and his dessert issues, and Michael and his...everything issues. Ptom gets the sense that the team needed to carry Michael, and he's pretty much had it. Michael. Please pack your knives and go. He tells the judges that it's been fun. Padma tells him to take care. He comes back to the Kitchen to bid everyone good-bye. Marcel tells him that it's been a pleasure. Aw. He interviews that he doesn't have any regrets. He had some good times, some great experiences, and made some crazy dishes he'd never normally make. Heh. See, that's how to conduct yourself in a final interview, Betty. He calls himself humble, which everyone knows you're not allowed to do, but makes up for it by cutely comparing himself to Wilbur in Charlotte's Web. Not a bad allusion. The pig depends on someone else's intelligence to save him from oblivion. But I kid. Michael was certainly out of his league on this show, but I find myself watching him go with a certain amount of affection.

Overall Grade: C

Seven

Top Chef - Season 2, Episode 9

Previously on Top Chef: Marcel bugged the crap out of Betty, because he's so annoying. Naturally, the previouslies omit the episode where Betty bugged the crap out of Marcel, because she's equally annoying. Not that this unfair disparity in editing will have anything to do with tonight's episode! The chefs were asked to cater a cocktail party, and Marcel bugged the crap out of Sam, because he's so annoying. Naturally, the previouslies omit the episode where Sam bugged the crap out of Marcel, because he's equally annoying. Not that this unfair disparity in editing will have anything to do with tonight's episode! The black team faltered, and Mia threw herself on the grenade for Elia. Seven bean-pickers remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Morning at the Cellblock. Elia is still not sure why Mia sacrificed herself so that she could continue competing, but she vows to give it her all. Meanwhile, in the men's room, some garbage bags are lovingly product-placed. Marcel makes himself some eggs, and Ilan asks him to take them off the stove so he can cook some eggs for himself. Actually, he doesn't really ask. He says "Ya wanna take those off, so I can make myself an egg?". Snotty. Marcel says he wants to keep his eggs on the stove so they'll be nice and warm for when his toast is done. Snotty. Ilan tells Marcel that he's selfish, and interviews that Marcel is quite full of himself. True. Of course, the kabillion times that Ilan has been equally self-satisfied are never mentioned, because that doesn't really fit nicely into this whole Marcel-as-villain arc they've got going. Grasped the theme of tonight's episode yet, and my problem with it? I knew you would. You're a smarty-pants. In other news, Michael had to have some emergency dental work done. His wisdom tooth has been pulled, so he's hopped up on medication and looks awful. He naturally feels pretty crappy, and hopes for a nice, short Quickfire that scores him immunity, so that he can completely phone in the Elimination Challenge and devote some time to recuperating. Everyone heads out.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma, Ted Allen, and Padma's ugly white boots. Cliff is pleased that Ted's going to be their Quickfire judge. Padma tells everyone that now that the field is narrowed down, the stakes are getting higher. From here on out, the winner of the Quickfire Challenge will no longer receive immunity. Padma never mentions any incentive the chefs now have for striving to do well, such as leniency in the Elimination Challenge, which I hope is the case. Michael looks unhappy, while Cliff interviews that he doesn't care, because there's never a reason to avoid trying to win the Quickfire. Padma tells everyone that the theme for this week's challenges is creativity, saying that cooking incorporates at least four of the five senses. She feels the need to outline which four, in case we were all sitting here wondering why heads of lettuce don't make any noise. Ted compares an empty plate to a blank canvas. Padma tells the chefs that for their Quickfire today, they'll be creating a dish based around a specific color. That's so cool! Each of the chefs will be drawing knives for their color. Let's get to it.

Ilan draws red. Michael draws orange. Elia draws white, which she's not happy about. Sam draws yellow, but thinks it's green. I'm not going to make too much fun of him, because they can look quite similar based on the shade and the room's lighting, but I will say that Padma's "That's yellow, Sam", accompanied by a huge eye roll was about the awesomest awesome to ever awesome an awesome. Cliff draws purple, which he can't really identify, because... Wait for it... Cliff is color blind. Oh, daaaaaamn. That reminds me of my friend Jill in college, who was (1) color blind, and (2) allergic to red food dye. Heh. Can you imagine? I tried to take her under my wing by making her special Jello shots for every party. Aaaaanyway, Cliff expects to do poorly in the challenge. Betty pulls green. Actual green. Marcel gets the last knife, which is brown. He interviews that brown isn't vibrant or beautiful, so he's in a tough position. Betty smarmerviews that she's thrilled that she got green and that Marcel got stuck with brown. Yep, green rocks. And I'm sure that Betty will knock this challenge out of the park, given what an easy color she drew. Padma says that they have thirty minutes to make their dish, and it must, of course, taste good, and not just be pretty. Ready? Go!

Everyone goes into their usual panic. Ilan finds the challenge strange, saying he usually focuses on flavor before presentation. Marcel lets us in on the fact that you have to move quickly in a Quickfire. Gee, thanks. I've been spending the last eight episodes wondering why everyone's in such a hurry during these things. Betty spazzerviews that the greener her plate is, the better it's going to be. Cliff, having heard a long time ago that eggplant is purple, starts matching everything he makes to an one that he's set out on the counter. Smart! Michael opts for salmon, saying that although it's pink, it turns orange when it's cooked. Smart! He's also going to batter-fry some carrots. Padma comes in and gives them a five-minute warning. Betty is happy with her final product. Marcel decorates a bowl with coffee beans and grounds, but accidentally spills his (very liquid) dish all over it. Whoops! Now it just looks chunky and disgusting. He cleans it up the best he can with forty seconds to go. Time runs out and everyone steps back from their dishes.

Ted and Padma go down the line, starting with Ilan. He's made steak tartare with beef tenderloin and red taro chips, and topped it with grape tomatoes. It looks very pretty. Betty's up next, and sweet Jeebus. Her presentation can be summed thusly: throw a bunch of green shit on a plate. She's made a zucchini tamale. I think I also see asparagus, beans, spinach, green olives (or caperberries), and a sliced lime. Well, those are certainly green, but those flavors don't go together at all. Ted tells her there's a lot going on with her plate, and asks if this is something she's done before. She says no, and the music lets us know that Betty screwed up. Marcel has made steak and eggs (and a crispy crouton), which is piled into a sort of tower that rests in a bowl that rests in a larger bowl filled with coffee, coffee grounds, coffee beans, and coffee foam. The other chefs gleefully make fun of him (and not in interviews, but right there in the Kitchen). Betty derisively asks Michael why Marcel puts a foam on "every fucking thing he makes". A fair question, though it's a bit rich coming from someone who just screwed up the easiest color in the rainbow to cook with. Sam interviews that we're in the ninth episode, and Marcel has made nine foams. I don't much feel like researching back to see if that's true, but yeah. Marcel really likes his foam.

Elia has done a nice job with a difficult color. She's made a white Dover sole filet with a poached egg on top. Cliff tells Ted and Padma that he's color blind, and Padma asks how he adjusted for the challenge. He tells them about the trick with the eggplant (which looks black to him). Padma asks if any of the other chefs helped him out. Cliff says that Marcel offered, but he thinks he had a pretty good handle on things on his own. He presents his dish, which is red snapper with a grilled eggplant and blackberry compote. That sounds pretty good, and Cliff did a really nice job on creating a purple plate, given that he has no idea what it looks like. Ted seems to like everything. Sam has made a duo of muffins (lemon and corn) that surround an egg yolk and some sharp Cheddar. Paired with this is a crudo salad, with lemon and mustard. I thought I saw some banana slices in there too, but don't quote me on that. Ted really likes the interplay of sweet and savory flavors, and I have to say that his plate looks quite beautiful. Ted kids Michael about making all pureed food, given his tooth issue. Michael is in no mood to fake being amused. He presents his plate, which is sushi rice with salmon and his fried carrot chips. It looks like there may be some Mandarin oranges on there as well. Padma and Ted really like the carrot chips.

Padma asks Ted how he thinks everyone did. He says it was a pretty difficult challenge, but that the chefs responded in very interesting ways. The worst dish was Betty's, which puts her in the bottom of the Quickfire for the fourth episode in a row. Methinks you should take a break from hurling those stones at Marcel until you've repaired the gaping holes in your glass house, there, Betty. In addition to not tasting good, Ted tells her that her presentation was lacking, and that her plate looked like something she had raked up, "not to be unkind". "Well, you are," Betty snipes. Let's take a quick moment to guess how Betty (or Ilan or Sam) would react to Marcel saying the exact same thing. They'd rake him over the coals for being a douchebag. They'd get up on their high horses and lecture us on how ungrateful and selfish he is. I'll save the rest of my disgust for the rant that's coming up later, but suffice it to say that Betty doesn't agree with her loss. Speaking of Marcel, Ted didn't like his dish either, saying the moat of coffee made the plate look dirty and unappetizing. Ilan grins smugly, and I have an overwhelming desire to smack him across the face with a halibut. The grin is wiped off his face pretty damn quickly when he joins his mortal enemy in the bottom three. Ted feels the tartare was pretty good, but Ilan concentrated too hard on the color, and not enough on matching textures. Or whatever. He finds being in the bottom three of the Quickfire for the first time "disheartening".

Now, the good news. Sam's was the most visually appealing dish, and had a good combination of sweet and salty flavors. Cliff gave a lot of variety with a difficult color, and the fish was cooked well. Michael was clever to use pink fish that wound up being orange, and the carrot chips were great. Ted drags out the name of the winner for as long as he can. It's Michael, who finally scores his first win. And you know what? I'm really happy for him. I know! I've detested Michael from the beginning, but he did a legitimately great job on this, and I'm all for giving credit where it's due. Also, he's becoming exponentially less annoying than certain other contestants, so I can sort of start to feel myself actively hoping he does well. I know! He interviews that it feels great to beat the frontrunners of the competition (that'd be Sam and Cliff), and the other chefs seem to be pleased for him. Still, this win doesn't give him immunity, so he'll still have to work hard on the Elimination Challenge, which is coming up right about...

Now! Padma tells them how important an initial inspiration is to food. The Elimination Challenge will be to take an inspiration given to them, and use that to create their dish. The seven of them will create one seven-course dinner, inspired by the seven deadly sins. Sweet! I love the challenges this week. Cliff is equally thrilled. He interviews that it's a phenomenal idea, and lists them off. I'm not sure if we're supposed to notice that he says both "jealousy" and "envy", but leaves off "gluttony". He kids that he's probably broken all of them at one point or another, as have we all. The chefs will have three hours to prep in the Kitchen, and will then pack everything up to take over to a dinner party, given for Debi Mazar. Sorry, I don't watch Entourage, so I have no idea whether to be all "Yay, Debi Mazar!" or "Ew, Debi Mazar!". Ted will be subbing for Gail again at Judges' Table. Boo! I miss Gail. There will also be a guest judge named Roberto Somethingorother. The chefs will draw knives for their sins. Heh. That sounds like some punishment they'd mete out during the Spanish Inquisition. "Prepare to draw knives for your sins, heathen!". Michael draws lust. Sam gets anger. Elia gets pride. Ilan gets gluttony. Cliff draws greed. Betty gets sloth. And finally, Marcel pulls envy. He interviews that he's happy (well, he says "pretty stoked", but I refuse to use that phrasing), because there are a lot of culinary interpretations that can be done with envy. Padma tells Michael that as a reward for winning the Quickfire, he can switch sins with someone if he wants. He does want, and he trades his lust for Marcel's envy. That sentence certainly sounded dirtier than I meant it. Although Marcel was happy with envy, he now interviews that Michael was crazy to give away lust. Make up your mind, Marcel. Really, I think any of the seven sins would be a good basis for inspiration.

Commercials. Whatever Ruby Tuesday is paying their ad people, they need to double it, because those commercials actively make me want to drop everything and rush over there. Not that I ever do, but still. That crabcake and that steak look terrific.

Now that everyone is settled with their sin, it's time to choose courses. Ilan pipes up that he wants to do dessert, and Betty chimes in that she'd like to do a soup. Marcel asks for five minutes so that everyone can kind of decide what they want to make, and choose courses from there. OH MY GOD, WHAT AN ASSHOLE. Seriously, the other chefs react to this perfectly reasonable request as if Marcel has just suggested they present the judges with a punchbowl full of rat droppings. Betty says that if people already know what they want to do, why not say so? Just in case everyone wants to do something different, and the assigned courses could be decided really easily. OK, that's fair. Sam asks him if he wants to do dessert (which makes sense with lust), and Marcel takes a moment to think, because having two dessert courses would be iffy. Betty interviews that this is shitty of him, because everything's all about him. Oh, you mean like the way you just appropriated the soup course without caring what anyone else wanted to do? See later rant. Marcel finally decides that yes, he'd like to do a sixth-course dessert. Sam interviews that Marcel gets under his skin. He and Ilan retreat to a corner of the Kitchen to trash Marcel, because they're seventh-grade girls. See later rant. Marcel and Ilan realize that having two desserts sets up a kind of mini-throwdown between the two of them.

Time to shop. The chefs get $150, and thirty minutes to get everything. Elia stocks up on chicken. Ilan interviews that he was lucky to draw gluttony, because it's the easiest sin to describe with food. I'll buy that. I guess that means he'll have no excuse if he screws it up, huh? Michael plans to describe envy by combining imitation crab with real crabmeat. That is so clever! Where is this brilliant Michael coming from? Unfortunately, the store is out of crab, so Michael has to completely rework his idea on the spot. He spins a pretty far-fetched story about trout being envious of salmon, so he'll make a fish duo, but I certainly couldn't come up with anything better in his position. The chefs wrap up their food purchases, and head out. Now, it's time to go to the fixture store to buy serving platters and such. Betty interviews that creative serving is important if you want to stand out. Another $150, and another thirty minutes. Cliff says it's tough not to go overbudget. I can imagine. Betty interviews that her idea for sloth is to make a trio of slow-roasted soups. I think that's a great idea. She's going to serve them out of champagne glasses. As Ilan begins checking out, he tells the cashier he'll check and see how much money he has. Um, could it be $150? That's my guess! The cashier tells him not to worry; that she'll give him a discount. Sam interviews that it can be customary for restaurant supply stores to gives chefs 15-20% off their purchase. That seems a bit weird to me, because who else is buying serving dishes and flatware in bulk from a supply store? Whatever, it's their money.

Marcel observes all of this, which Sam notes to Ilan by saying that "Rat Boy" is listening in. See later rant. Marcel does, indeed, butt in by trying to verify with Cliff that the chefs aren't allowed to take discounts. Cliff doesn't care. Sam, putting that major in Passive-Aggressive Whining to good use yet again, complains about Marcel to Ilan right in front of his face, to make sure that he understands exactly how much Sam hates him. Speaking of passive-aggressive, Marcel snottily thanks the cashier (who's a completely different person from the one that helped Ilan) for "offering a discount", when the guy didn't. Now that was Grade A asshole behavior from Marcel. Two seconds ago, he was morally offended that Ilan got a discount, and now he's mad because he didn't get one. So there you go. Marcel is acting like a jackass, just as the other chefs have been saying he does. But. See later rant. This is the last straw to turn Sam from passive-aggressive into full-on aggressive. He begins screaming in Marcel's face about how much everyone hates him. I wish he had screamed in Marcel's face about treating the cashier like shit, but that doesn't directly affect Sam, so I guess it's beneath his notice. Cliff interviews that Marcel is a Napoleonic know-it-all (nice!), and that Sam just broke. Sam continues yelling in the same vein, and Marcel doesn't really have the wit or wherewithal to fight back, beyond a weak crack in an interview about how ironic it is that Sam drew wrath.

Kitchen. The three hours of prep time begins. Sam tries to pawn off his anger issues on his ethnic heritage. Nice try. Hey, look! They're going to tell us about some food that the chefs will be making! That seems a little weird on a show called Top Annoying People Who Fight All The Time, but I guess I'll allow it. Sam's going to use spicy food to symbolize wrath. Not bad. He's got the first course, and will be making Sicilian shrimp ceviche, with chili pepper popcorn on the side. Betty's soups are the second course. They include carrot, fennel, red pepper, beet, and white onion. Michael disdains her making soup, because she's already going to be on the Friday's menu with one. I guess he's saying she's becoming one-note, but you can't deny that soups are having a good track record this season. Cliff's greed course is the third one. He views greed as being overly bountiful, so he's making a bouillabaisse with clams, oysters, and scallops in a Thai curry broth.

Elia's got the fifth course (hey, what happened to the fourth?) with "prideful" roasted chicken and vegetables. She slathers the chicken with butter. Mmmmm. Marcel works on the lustful sixth course, which will be a cherry tart with cherry gelee and cherry foam, topped off with whipped cream and chocolate. OK, Betty may have been a bitch about it, but she had a point. Enough with the gelees and foams, already. Ilan's got the last course -- his gluttinous dessert -- and his comment here must be written verbatim: "Because gluttony is a sin so closely related to food, if I can't get this right, then I should go home right now." Indeed. He's making funnel cakes, and I swear I'm about the only person on Earth who despises those. If I'm at a carnival and catch a whiff of them, I can actually feel the gorge rise in my throat. Not many foods do that to me. He's going to use chocolate as well, but he still doesn't know quite what the final product will be.

Ptom stops by to check in, and we finally hear what Michael's making for the "third" course. This show has the worst titles ever. Spelling errors. Shitty grammar. Misidentification. Is this the third course or is Cliff's? Anyway, Michael's making trout and salmon with a basil aioli and asparagus. Ilan's going to make a rich chocolate cake to go with his funnel cakes. Ptom is typically unresponsive. The show tries to play up Marcel's use of chocolate as some sort of additional ammo in the little dessert war between him and Ilan, but as Marcel says, the chocolate in his dessert is really just an accent for the cherries. Elia hefts her chicken into the oven. Ptom leaves. Um, thanks for the input! Cooking chaos ensues. Ilan is now making some sort of brittle that looks really good.

Twenty minutes left. Marcel shoves a refrigerator door closed, and asks the other chefs to make sure that they've closed it after using it, because he's noticed it hanging open a lot. OH MY GOD, WHAT AN ASSHOLE. Again, we have a perfectly reasonable request met with a completely unreasonable response. Ilan interviews that Marcel's lack of "people skills" drives him to say things he wouldn't normally (read: "Marcel acting like a dick makes me act like a dick, but it's OK when I do it.") So Ilan's reaction to what I'll remind you was a mild request to keep the refrigerator door shut is to chide Marcel about using cherries in his dessert, because they supposedly lower one's sex drive. Oooh, good one, Ilan! Even if this little food factoid were true (and it very well may be), who cares? The chefs are working with symbolism! It's not like Marcel is trying to get the dinner guests all horned up. What, does he expect Sam to serve his course by yelling in all of the guests' faces? Tool. Marcel doesn't rise to the bait, so Ilan pushes further by surmising that Marcel has never had sex. See later rant. Marcel asks him what the fuck his problem is, and Ilan's all "oooooooh!" because he can't come up with the actual response, which is "I'm a childish asshole." Case in point: Marcel scoops some sugar out of a container, and Ilan points out that Marcel could have taken sugar from a different one. One that isn't so close to Ilan. I... It's... I... I mean... That is literally something a nine-year-old would say, and I can't believe that this show... No, I'll save it. See later rant. Time runs out.

Commercials. I'd like to see the raw data that supports this claim of one cleaning product picking up more dust than another. Actually, I'd just like to meet the people in charge of testing it.

The chefs, loaded down with their food, walk up to a very beautiful house. They put all their stuff down in the kitchen, and Marcel asks Sam if he needs help with serving his food. Cliff agrees that everyone should pitch in on serving everything. Night falls. Padma and Ted come in, with Padma wearing a "sinful" red dress. She looks good. Debi Mazar kiddingly tells one of the other guests to shut the fuck up about something, so that whole air of "classy dinner party" is pretty much shattered now. Ptom and guest judge Whosit Somethingorother wander in. There are some celebrities among the guests like some guitarist guy and the woman who plays Charmaine Bucco on The Sopranos. You know she's a good actress because she convincingly played someone who would willingly be married to Artie Bucco. Ugh. The chefs are nervous. Sam gets ready to bring out the first course, and Marcel offers to serve wine for him. Sam accepts. Marcel interviews that he likes to think of himself as a team player, and while I'm disgusted with the way the other chefs treat him, that's really not the case. He thinks that everyone's capable of acting like professional adults. He's about to be sorely disappointed. And right on cue, Betty "jokes" that the other six chefs should leave Marcel hanging on his course. See later rant.

Sam introduces his course. After he leaves, the guests dig in, and everyone seems to love his food. Meanwhile, Betty's using squeeze bottles to squirt her soups into the champagne glasses. It's not going well. The backsplash makes the glasses look messy, and she and Cliff do their best to get them cleaned up. Sam disapproves of Betty's course in an interview. Did I miss something? That's not a rhetorical question. Why are these people so anti-soup all of a sudden? The soups are served, and Betty introduces them, neatly playing off the lack of serving utensils on her sin. Well done. The soups look very pretty, but once the guests start eating, the news is not good. The judges have a real problem with the texture. No kidding. Check out the way the soups cling disgustingly to the glass every time someone sets one down. In the kitchen, Michael is asking Sam to present his course, since Michael still looks all deformed mutant from the tooth extraction. Sam obliges, but once he gets out into the dining room, Ptom and Debi pretty much insist Michael show himself. He reluctantly emerges. Debi looks like she's regretting that insistence now. Hehehe. Michael apologizes for his face, and spins his yarn about the trout envying the salmon. The fish is topped with a lemon-thyme beurre blanc (that's a seasoned butter sauce, which I totally knew, and did not just look up), and is served with asparagus and three kinds of mushrooms. The guests begin eating, and are in rapture. Ptom is blown away that this came out of Michael, saying that he should get a tooth pulled every day. Hahaha! I do believe that's the first time Ptom has ever cracked me up.

Commercials. I feel like the talking-dog-spills-secret-bean-recipe joke is officially played out now.

Oh, so Cliff is the fourth course after all. He's nervous about the challenge, but presents his bouillabaisse confidently. Debi asks him what's greedy about it, and he responds that the overwhelming amount of seafood it contains makes it "quite succulent". I'm surprised we don't hear the word "succulent" more often on this show. Once he's gone, Ted complains that the broth is his favorite part, and Cliff seems to have skimped on that (and has made it a bit too thick for Ted's tastes). Ilan and Sam are jabbering in the kitchen, and Elia needles them into helping her take her food out. She introduces her roasted chicken. She tells the guests that it's what she'll be serving, that is. She doesn't literally introduce the chicken, although that would have been sweet. She increases the "pride" of the dish by carving it herself at the table. It's a hit. It's tender, delicious, and seems to impress everyone. Marcel puts the finishing touches on his dessert. He asks Betty to take a bowl of cherries out to the guests, and Betty starts to do so. A male voice tells Marcel to hold up. I've since read that this was a member of the production, who I guess wanted Marcel to wait so that the cameras could get a clear shot of the food being served. I have no idea why Betty didn't hear this as well as Marcel, since she's standing right next to him, but she says she's going to take the cherries out. "No, don't go!" Marcel yelps. And I can't believe I even have to say this, but it could not be any more clear that it was a moment of worried panic. It was the exact same tone of voice you'd use to say "Don't touch that!" if someone's about to pick up a searing hot pan, or "Hey, watch it!" if someone's about to bump into you while you're carrying a tray stacked full of dishes.

So naturally, this is just more fodder for Betty to hate Marcel, since he just "snapped" so "rudely" at her. By this point, these people are just being deliberately obtuse. Either that or they're complete morons. I don't really know which scenario is worse. Marcel goes into the dining room to pre-serve some wine, and while he's gone, Ilan (natch) can't wait to jump on the Marcel-yelled-at-Betty bandwagon, and concocts a plot to abandon helping Marcel serve his dessert. Elia tries to stem the tide of these childish fuckwads, but nothing doing. When Marcel comes back to the kitchen and finds everyone on the patio outside, he asks them for help. Ilan asks him if he's going to apologize to Betty, and she chimes in with "Never snap at me again!", WHICH HE DIDN'T, and which she has done to him about a gazillion million times. Rather than saying "Huh? What the hell are you talking about?", Marcel apologizes, so Betty is placated. Hahahaha! Just kidding, of course. No, Betty takes the apology forced out of someone who didn't owe her one, and throws it back in Marcel's face: "Yeah, I really believe you." See later rant.

Marcel presents his food to the guests. Charmaine Bucco tells him he would have scored more points if he had fed the cherries to her, so Marcel does. Then he takes a spoonful of chocolate sauce and drizzles it pornographically onto her outstretched tongue. Hehe. The chefs in the kitchen are watching this and freaking out. Ilan hopes that the guests are saying bad things about him, so I take back what I said about him being a seventh-grade girl. He's actually more of a third-grade girl. Indeed, the dessert is not well-received. Padma is just as sick of the foams as everyone else is, and Debi says that the dish wasn't very lustful. Well, she actually says that Marcel needs to fuck more. Ilan makes his final preparations. It looks like he's reheated his funnel cakes, and they're now too crunchy. Sam advises him against serving them. Elia suggests putting honey or syrup on them to soften them up. He goes with it. They're served alongside the chocolate cake topped with brittle. After he introduces his dish, he repeats his line about cherries lowering one's libido to try and turn the guests against Marcel. No, really. I take back what I said about him being a third-grade girl. He's actually more of a fetus still in utero.

Rant time! I'm settled in. I've eaten, put my pajama pants on for the evening, and have a nice glass of milk by my side. Let's hit this shit. WHAT THE FUCKETY FUCK FUCK FUCK!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Not to ask an obvious question, but what the hell is the problem with these people? OK, fine. Marcel is obnoxious. He can be annoying and condescending and arrogant and snippy and deluded and rude and so on and so forth. I'm not disputing that at all. BUT. The way these other chefs react to him is nothing short of disgraceful. Marcel is a twit. Fine. Tell me which of the following things he has done:

(a) Made fun of another chef's food -- not in interview, but right there in the same room with the object of his derision.
(b) Rejoiced over another chef performing poorly in a challenge -- not in interview, but right there in the same room with the object of his derision.
(c) Snotted off to the judges.
(d) Gleefully engineered fights between other chefs.
(e) Blamed a cooking mistake he made on someone who had nothing to do with why a dish failed.
(f) Threatened physical violence against another chef.
(g) Belittled an aspect of another chef's personal life.
(h) Called another chef juvenile names.
(i) Threw a loud, public tantrum.
(j) Responded to something normal that another chef has done (for example: grating cheese, scooping sugar, thinking about what course they'd like to serve, giving a general warning about a refigerator door, making sure their course isn't served early, etc.) with vitriol and spite.
(k) Brewed up a petty revenge scheme against another chef.
(l) Demanded a bogus apology, and sneered at it when given.
(m) Badmouthed another chef to judges and dinner guests (when not at Judges' Table).

Know the answer? NONE OF THEM. Know who has done these things? Betty. Ilan. Sam. Frank. Why, what a coincidence! It's the very people who hate Marcel, and never tire of telling us why he sucks so hard! Imagine that! The reason that I'm so angry is not because they dislike Marcel. Disliking Marcel is completely understandable. It's that I don't get why nothing is ever made of the fact that they act just as awful, and in many cases, much MORE awful than he ever does. Every episode, the editors give us scene after scene of how much Marcel gets on someone else's nerves. Why no scenes and/or interviews highlighting Sam's passive-aggressive shit-starting? Why not a spool of Ilan's Greatest Hits of Self-Satisfied Hissyfits? Why not a constant stream of Betty's irritating squeals, or the numerous times she's tried to disavow responsibility for something that was clearly her fault? The way this show tries to shoehorn Marcel into being the season's villain is brutally unfair, since everyone left save Elia has been a gratuitous asshole at least once. These jerkoffs have one hell of a nerve acting self-righteous about Marcel's "people skills", when theirs are exponentially worse. Fucking hypocrites. God bless Lee Anne, who continues her streak of being awesome by recognizing this.

Phew. So. I'm extremely pleased to see the dinner guests hate Ilan's dessert. Charmaine Bucco says that everything's too wet. The funnel cakes that were too crispy in the kitchen are now too soggy. Debi found everything too rich. The chefs emerge as a group so that the guests can applaud and thank them for their efforts. Padma compliments the chefs and ominously tells them about the upcoming Judges' Table in the same breath.

Commercials. Mary Lou Retton is still cute as a button. How does she do that?

Judges' Table. Whosit Somethingorother thought the challenge was fairly difficult. Ptom is very impressed, overall. Padma asks about the weakest dishes, and Whosit mentions both desserts and the soups. So the exact same bottom three as in the Quickfire. Interesting. Whosit feels that Michael embodied his sin the best. Ted wanted to inhale that fish, and found it even more sophisticated than Elia's chicken, which was also delightful. Ptom thinks she may not have been prideful enough in serving her food. Well, not everyone is as well-practiced at being a loser with inflated self-esteem as some of these other contestants, Ptom. Sam's flavors were clean and Padma loved the popcorn. She goes back to the Kitchen and summons him, Michael, and Elia to the table. Please call the losers out first one of these weeks. The top three are congratulated for being the best of the week. Sam's popcorn was sophisticated. Elia made a soulful, tender chicken. Michael's fish was delicious and the vegetables were perfectly cooked. Whosit is given the honor of announcing the week's winner, and Michael pulls off the rare double-win. And I never thought I'd hear myself say this, but yaaaaaaaay! He's suitably jazzed. Padma asks him to send in Marcel, Betty and Ilan. The chefs in the Kitchen applaud Michael's win, and Michael tells them who the judges want to chew out this week. Marcel worriedly runs his hands through his hair.

The losers come in to the Judges' Table. Padma tells them that they were the three least favorite dishes. Well, according to Ilan's earlier statement about how he should immediately go home if he fouled up such an easy sin, I guess that means he's automatically eliminated. Good night, everyone! Oh, crap. It looks like the judges never got that memo. Ilan is asked why he thinks he's there, and he correctly pegs the funnel cakes. He says they were perfect at first, but when he reheated them, they became too crispy. "Too crispy?" Ptom says, and Ilan snottily tells him to "hold on". Then he does what I knew he'd do, and tells the judges that Elia's idea to dunk them in syrup turned out to be very bad. I guess they edited out the scene where Elia held a jagged shard of glass to his throat and forced him to serve goopy dough. He dares the judges not to like the other things he served (the cake and the brittle), and they are only too willing to oblige. Ted did like the brittle, saying it provided a much-needed contrast with the rest of his soggy mess. Ilan says that he tried to take risks, especially since he's not a pastry chef. The fact that the only limitation he had was his sin inspiration, and that he could have made literally any dish he wanted is never brought up. Ptom asks him why he felt it was necessary to slam Marcel's dish. Marcel seems a bit surprised that this happened, I guess because he assumed that Ilan would be able to act like an adult for five minutes. Padma asks Ilan why he did that, rather than focusing on his own work. Ilan says that he was just "poking fun", which is transparently false, since you can't really poke fun at someone who's not present.

On to Marcel. Ted thinks his dish was the most beautifully presented of the evening, and enjoyed the freshness of the cherries. Marcel thanks him. Ted's problem was that Marcel's dish didn't embody his sin enough. Ilan is, of course, incapable of suppressing a smug smile at this. Marcel doesn't really give an actual answer to this; he just says something about "delving into the sweet world". Padma brings up the issue of the foams, and the fact that they've seen so many from him. Betty is, of course, incapable of suppressing a smug smile at this. Keep smiling, ass. We'll see how happy you are in about five minutes. Padma thinks the foam in Marcel's dish actually hindered it, instead of making it better. Whosit agrees. And now for Betty. Ptom asks her if she tasted everythng, which she did. Ptom tells her about his problem with the texture, and asks her if she intended the soups to be rough and chunky. She says no, and that she strained her ingredients. Ptom is also confused by some of her flavor combinations, such as beet and red pepper. Betty takes these critcisms gracefully.

Padma asks Betty and Ilan who they'd choose to eliminate. Do we even need to go through the motions here? I'm not bothering to revisit their comments, except they do, at least, come up with a food-related reason to send Marcel home. They felt his gelee was flavorless. Marcel argues that the one of the ingredients in the gelee was made from 100% fruit juice (was it Juicy Juice?), so it had plenty of flavor. He tells the judges that the issues the others have with him are personal, which is not what the contest is about. He says he's not here to make friends, and this is probably the first time I've ever heard that phrase used properly. Marcel horribly overuses the word "like" throughout this little speech, which takes away a lot of its impact. He's asked who he would send home, and he chooses Ilan's watery dessert as the dealbreaker. Ilan looks murderously over at him, almost in surprise, which doesn't make any sense, but whatever. Delving into Ilan's psyche is not how I'm going to spend my evening. Padma dismisses the chefs. Once they're back in the Kitchen, the bickering starts, and it's pretty gentle at first. The usual insults are lobbed back and forth, but Ilan loses his temper and starts screaming in Marcel's face, just as Sam did back at the fixture store. I'm not going over this again. See earlier rant. Elia crinkles her face in disgust. I love you, Elia.

Deliberations. Ilan's funnel cakes were the worst thing of the evening. The words "limp", "flaccid" and "unappetizing" are used. Padma disagrees with Betty and Ilan's charge of Marcel's gelee being flavorless. The judges effortlessly peg their attitudes as one of personality conflict, rather than food. However, Marcel did drop the ball as far as conveying the idea of lust. Betty's soups were way too chunky, and avoiding that is a basic skill. Plus, her flavor profiles were disturbing. The judges make a decision.

Commercials. I know I've asked this before, but who does this rich, bitchy housewives show appeal to?

Elimination. The bottom three are reminded that their dishes were the least impressive of the evening, in case they forgot in the past few minutes. Ptom makes a clunky sin joke. Same criticisms of all the food, and Ptom says that the decision tonight was a tough one. But they made it. And it is... Betty. Good riddance. She hugs Ilan and thanks the judges for the experience. Padma says that they've loved having her, and wishes her success in the future. Betty ignores Marcel, because it's not like she's a grown-up or anything. In fact, she uses her final interview... You know, the one to talk about what you've learned and what you're going to do now, and such? Yeah, she uses it to complain about how she should have lasted longer than Marcel. Sigh. Betty seems like the type to sit at home and obsessively Google her name, so if she ever stumbles across this lonely blog, I'd like her to know that I think she's probably a lovely person in day-to-day life. She's probably a competent chef, and probably knows her way around running a business. That said, based on the way she behaved on this show, I'd sooner hire Jeffrey Dahmer to cater one of my parties.

Overall Grade: C