Blackened Tongues and the Christmas Calamity

Four Courses Podcast - Episode 12

It's absolutely incredible to me that we're coming up on an entire year since my friend Kyle and I launched the Four Courses podcast. We all know that time flies, but I expected it to fly at the speed of an airplane, not the speed of a laser beam. My obsession with food and cooking continues unabated, so if you haven't downloaded it already, here is Episode 12, submitted for your approval.

Topics include the cozy atmosphere of Elaia, the best drinks for winding down at the end of the evening, the food-related disasters that have befallen us over the years, and a spirited debate over restaurants with a policy of not accepting reservations. We close out the year by revisiting the year's food resolutions to see how well we did at keeping our promises. I hope you enjoy it, and feel free to drop a line to fourcoursespodcast@gmail.com with any questions, comments, feedback, or suggestions!

Thanksgiving Tune-Ups and the Parsley Dispute

Four Courses Podcast - Episode 11

We've already had our first blustery snow days blow through, so it's almost officially time to bid adieu to the best season of the year. Before we do, though, we had one more harvest feast to celebrate - a little thing called Thanksgiving. We're at the peak of the food year, and Episode 11 has arrived just in time.

Topics include Fast Eddie's Bon Air, the essentials for both a home bar and a well-equipped herb/spice rack, and food trends that are dead and gone. We close with a nod to Thanksgiving by soliciting recommendations on how to update the use of cranberries. They're due for a change. Please enjoy, and feel free to drop a line to fourcoursespodcast@gmail.com with any questions, comments, feedback, or suggestions!

Pilgrimage

Top Chef - Season 12, Episode 6

Previously on Top Chef: Head-to-head challenges allowed the chefs to work out some petty rivalries, and revealed that given the way they plan their strategies, you could probably beat them at chess pretty easily. Adam got caught in a Judge-22 for not assisting his weaker teammates, but that was quickly forgotten when the pimple on the face of this season was finally popped, and Aaron got booted to go abuse people off-camera. Nine chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Monday Morning Quarterback Session. Everyone is thrilled that Aaron is out. Melissa talks about her girlfriend back home, and I'm immediately convinced she's getting the axe tonight. P.S. - I'd hate that haircut on most people, but Melissa really makes it work somehow. While the chefs are still rolling out of bed and getting ready for the day, Season 1's Tiffani sneaks in to surprise them. It turns out today, there's a pre-Quickfire challenge that'll test the chefs' athleticism. Oh, hooray. If there's one thing this show should attempt to hearken back to, it's that ridiculous triathlon from the terrible Texas season.

Actually, this one isn't too bad. Tiffani takes the chefs to a very pretty cranberry bog, and tells them that they'll have to wade out to the berries, fill some buckets, and bring them back to fill a crate. The first four chefs to fill their crates will earn an advantage in the Quickfire. Here's a spoiler for you: Katsuji is not one of those four, but let's count our blessings; he didn't succumb to the heart attack he was clearly about to have if forced to do much more physical activity. The top finishers wind up being Katie, Adam, Gregory, and Dougie. OK, let's get back to the Kitchen!

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs will be making a cranberry dish, obviously. This is fortuitous! I've been looking for interesting new ways to incorporate those into some recipes. The four top finishers' advantage is that they'll have access to more high-end, extensive ingredients than the other chefs, who must work with the basics. Immunity goes to the winner. Ready? Go! When the dust settles, Adam's cranberry-gathering skillz have not done him much good, as he lands in the bottom three for burning his food. He's joined by Stacy, who has underseasoned her dish, and Katsuji, who appears to be addicted to serving improperly-cooked meat. For the good news, Doug is in the top three for his cranberry-glazed pork tenderloin. Mei is also praised for her cranberry-sauced sweet and sour pork. Yes, please! Even that can't take the top spot, which goes to Katie for her wonderfully-inventive cranberry borscht. I'd be curious to taste that.

Elimination Challenge. In the same vein as the cranberry Quickfire, it's another Thanksgiving-related challenge. I will never get tired of watching these people pretend that holiday meals are happening in real time, and that they're not cooking and eating a Thanksgiving feast in, say, August. I'm on record as saying this season is one of the most boring to date, but I do have to say, this Elimination Challenge ranks among my favorite holiday challenges that the franchise has ever done. The chefs will be going to a local historical site (the Plimoth Plantation) and cooking one, big dinner, using only ingredients that the original settlers/Native Americans would have had access to. The diners will be descendents of both the original colonists and the Native tribes. In addition, all the cooking equipment will be of the time period, as well. That sounds very difficult, but I'm genuinely looking forward to seeing the dishes, which I can't say about any other episode so far.

Stacy video-chats with her boyfriend, throwing a wrench into my confidence that Melissa is in trouble. Side-note: I know the editors use this type of footage to provide background info on the chefs and/or to provide foreshadowing of the episode, but is anyone in the audience actually interested in them? That is to say, does anyone give a good goddamn about how Melissa's girlfriend, Stacy's boyfriend, or Kariann's kids are passing the time while the competition is going on? I'm not mad or anything. It's just a weird reality show convention.

Food prep. As expected, working with fire pits and cauldrons and iron spike spits proves to be more challenging than the parameters that many other challenges impose. Ingredients include things like wild greens, meats like goose and rabbit, and shellfish. Somewhere along the way, my family has picked up the habit of having oysters at Thanksgiving. I had no idea we were being so traditional! Despite all the hurdles the chefs must clear in this challenge, every single dish they make looks incredible. The judges and the diners are all blown away, and I actively wish I could be at that table. After the meal is over, the judges agree that this week's elimination will come down to minute details, since nobody out-and-out screwed up.

Judges' Table. Even among a table full of great dishes, some managed to rise above the others. Doug's slow- and spit-roasted rabbit, Katsuji's butternut squash with poached lobster, and Mei's cabbage roasted with duck fat and trout vinaigrette all get top marks. We're starting to get a good idea of these chefs' strengths and weaknesses, but I just can't get a read on Katsuji. Some days, he appears to be a creative, culinary wizard. Some days, he appears to not be able to scramble an egg. It's odd. It gets even odder when he wins the challenge, which surprises me. Not that his dish looked bad. It just seemed fairly simple compared to the other two. Now, for the bad news. As foreshadowed by those photos and phone calls, both Melissa and Stacy tumble, Melissa for an overly simplistic vegetable dish and Stacy for too much earthy grit in her clam dish. They're joined by first-time loser Gregory, who had issues with cooking his goose. No, I won't make a wordplay joke about that. You're welcome.

I have half an idea that since this is such a warm challenge about tradition and gratitude, nobody will be eliminated. They've done it before. Plus, all the food was good. If they were going to do a non-elimination episode, now would be the time. But as a lot of turkeys have come to know, Thanksgiving requires sacrifice. Stacy, please pack your knives and go. She has a refreshing exit interview, in which she is neither sad nor bitter nor regretful. Honestly, she seems relieved to be finished. She's happy with her placement, saying that she thinks she did her hometown proud. I like her, so I won't give her shit about Boston being happy with ninth place. So, happy Thanksgiving, all! I'm grateful for many things, but if we're keeping it to show-related issues, I'm thankful that this season has finally given us an episode worth watching.

Overall Grade: B+

Declaration of Independence

Top Chef - Season 12, Episode 5

Previously: The chefs went to Cheers, and Gregory really embraced the "bar" aspect of the Quickfire by spilling food all over the floor. George Wendt displayed the boredom that all of us audience members are experiencing this season. The Elimination Challenge threatened to spark some actual interest by giving us an intriguing challenge about menu design. Aaron kept on fighting, Gregory kept on winning, and my boyfriend kept on dropping off to sleep during these episodes. James and Rebecca made an unceremonious exit, and I think Rebecca just might be the chef that's made the least amount of impression on me in the history of the franchise. Ten chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Monday Morning Quarterback Session. Stacy is shell-shocked by how badly she and her team performed in the last challenge. I'm glad she was able to pull through, but yeah, step it up, girl. Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma and guest judge Jamie Bissonette, which is a name I feel like should be showing up in the Too Many Cooks intro. The theme of this week's challenges is battles, so it looks like I was right when I said "I guess Boston's current food culture is not enough of an attraction, so it's looking more and more like this season will be Quirky Challenges Regarding America's Past". This is like Assassin's Creed 3: Food Missions. Which actually sounds kind of awesome. Somebody make that game.

Anyhoo, in this week's Quickfire, half the chefs get to pick an opponent to cook against head-to-head. That opponent then gets to select a dish from a pre-set list that both chefs will make. There's no immunity, but the winning chef will get $10,000. That puts the chefs' game faces on pretty damned quick. Here's how the match-ups shake out:

Katsuji challenges Aaron, who picks smoked salmon. Doug challenges Adam, who picks mussels. Kariann challenges Stacy, who picks trout. Melissa challenges Katie, who picks BBQ. That leaves Mei vs. Gregory, and they'll be making steamed dumplings. There's naturally a lot of smack talk about who's weak, and who's a threat, and who's going down, and blah blah blah. Let's see who can back up their bluster. Ready? Go! The banter keeps up over the course of the prep, some more good-natured than others. When the dust settles, Padma and Jamie judge each pair of dishes. The winners and losers of each match-up will form a team of their own for their upcoming challenge:

Winners: Katsuji, Doug, Kariann, Katie, and Gregory
Losers: Aaron, Adam, Stacy, Melissa, and Mei

Mei looks piiiiiiiiiiised. Gregory not only beat her in the Quickfire match-up, but he is declared the overall winner, and gets to pocket the $10K. Elimination Challenge. As I just mentioned, the chefs who won their Quickfire match-ups are sorted into one team (Blue), while the losing chefs go to the other team (Red). For today's main challenge, the chefs can make whatever dish they like. They will then go head-to-head in another series of battles. Each time a team wins a battle, they get a point. First team to three points wins, and someone from the losing team goes home. The chefs may pick who participates in each battle, so this is very similar to that tennis challenge that we had such a rousing discussion about. Check the comments!

Shopping. Each team only gets $1000 to serve 100 guests, so they must split up their money and choose ingredients wisely. Which proceeds to happen with no issue whatsoever. Not that I want people pulling each other's hair over who gets to buy cumquats or whatever, but this season desperately needs a shot of adrenaline. Prep. Aaron is making a seafood noodle wrap very much like the one that edged out Katie's dish in that one Quickfire. Melissa interviews that she is confident about her soup. Then, thirty seconds later she interviews that she is concerned about her soup, because the texture isn't working out the way she'd hoped. Even the editors are too bored to pay attention to what's going on.

Service. The food is served outdoors, with people in Revolutionary War garb standing around playing with muskets. The hundred guests tear into the food, but have absolutely no say in whose dish is good or bad or better or worse than anyone else's. So...thanks for stopping by, everyone! The judges will be the ones deciding everything. Adam has taken a pseudo-leader role on the Blue team, but has the refreshing intelligence to realize that as long as he concentrates on making his own dish as good as possible, he's unlikely to be eliminated. Somewhere, Spike is watching this, smirking, then waltzing out the door to go lose yet another contest because he got more caught up in strategy than on making decent food. Aaron spills his dashi all over the ground. Mei has some instant dashi mix to loan him, which he hopes will be good enough to pull him through.

First battle. Adam goes up against Dougie. Katie screams "Go Dooooooooooooogie!" on the sidelines, causing a weary Katsuji to grumble "Please don't do that." Wooo, check out the enthusiasm of even the contestants for this season! The judges like both of the dishes, but Adam's grits with cheddar cheese, poached egg, bacon, and onion jam edges out Dougie's beef tartare. Adam's does look awfully good. The Red team earns their first point.

Second battle. Katsuji has a mini panic attack as he puts together yet another dish with forty-thousand components. Luckily, he's up against Melissa, whose soup has an extremely off-putting texture that the judges find watery and unappetizing. It's bad enough that Katsuji is able to take the battle, earning the Blue team their first point.

Third battle. Gregory goes up for Blue, so the Red team puts up Mei, which was a terrible idea. If you accept that Mei is a strong competitor (which both I and all the chefs do), the one chef you shouldn't pit her against is Gregory, who is the only person that consistently beats her. Put her up against somebody weaker so that she's more likely to grab a point. No time-traveler picks up on my brainwaves, so they are re-matched, and although Mei's strip loin in kimchi vegetables is given high marks, she cannot overcome Gregory's mushroom/coconut milk/tumeric green curry. Bad strategy, Red. The Blue team takes their second point.

Fourth battle. Kariann goes up against Stacy. A lot of Quickfire rematches are going on here, which Padma notes sardonically. I think she may be drunker than usual. No matter how much the judges disliked Melissa's soup, it's nothing compared with the revulsion that meets Kariann's herb meatball. The judges completely trash it. Stacy's marinated beets are nothing to write home about, but they're clearly better than the hated meatball, so Stacy wins the battle. The Red team gets its second point.

Fifth battle. It all comes down to Aaron vs. Katie! Aaron says that if Katie beats him, he will shoot himself in the face. Katie has made a chocolate cake with smoked sour cream, and Aaron implies that she's copped out by making a dessert. Huh? Dessert is usually what gets people kicked off the show. If anything, making chocolate cake takes far stronger stones than making a savory dish; especially a rehash of your own Quickfire entry from a couple of challenge ago. Tom essentially says the same thing. Aaron's scallop noodle and pork meatball is panned, and Katie wins the point, solidifying the Blue team's win. Katie lets out a pretty endearing Xena yell of victory.

Judges' Table. The Blue team is congratulated, and sent to the safe zone. They are shortly joined by Adam and Mei, who both made very good dishes, despite being on the losing team. Looks like Adam's strategy paid off. He's given some guff about it from the judges (and from Gregory on the sidelines, like thanks for chiming in, Golden Boy, but your opinion from the safe zone on this matter is less than essential). It's all bullshit, and Adam happily shrugs it off as such. That leaves Stacy, Aaron, and Melissa up for the chop. Stacy is a little surprised to be in danger, since she won her point. The judges tell her that she shouldn't be too proud about that, since she didn't win so much as Kariann completely blew it. There's a pretty stellar shot of Kariann's reactionary bitchface to this proclamation. All three of these chefs did pretty poor work today, but the one going home is...Aaron. Hooray!

In his final interview, he graciously admits that his personality may not be for everyone. And the Atlantic Ocean is a bit moist. I may have added that last bit. He is finally out of our lives, to the delight of everyone but his girlfriend, since the only food he's prepared for her is a knuckle sandwich. And not that I advocate violence, but Aaron did say that he'd shoot himself in the face if Katie won the point. People should keep their promises, don't you think?

Overall Grade: B-

That's An Order

Top Chef - Season 12, Episode 4

Previously on Top Chef: Teas! Tears! Toupees! T'ballpark food! Gregory hit a homerun, picking up yet another challenge win, while Ron struck out. Twelve chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Monday Morning Quarterback Session. Aaron talks. Nobody cares. Kariann bemoans how she hasn't been doing well in the competition, and cries about missing her kids. She should also spare some crying for wasting an entire tube of Dr. Pepper lip gloss, which is smeared all over her mouth. The chefs receive a note from Padma with the address where they are supposed to meet her. It's supposed to be very clandestine, but the surprise is immediately blown by hometown girl Stacy, who recognizes the address as Cheers. Whoops! That was the shortest game of Carmen Sandiego I've ever seen.

Quickfire Challenge. Indeed, the chefs are on their way to the original Cheers bar, where they are met by Padma and George Wendt. He graciously suffers through the chefs yelling "Norm!" at him before we get down to business. Here's an interesting tidbit of trivia for the audience: By law, all bars in Boston must serve food. So, for today's Quickfire, the chefs will use whatever's on-hand in the Cheers kitchen to make an upscale bar snack. Winner gets immunity. Ready? Go!

Aaron combines eggs with peanut butter and mayonnaise, which sounds gross, but he insists that it actually works if balanced properly. I'll buy it; I'd like to try that mixture if it's in the right proportion. Gregory gets a good start on his burger, but gravity is not his friend today, and a lot of his ingredients fly off the plate and onto the floor. Adam is making black bean chilaquile with egg on top, and it's the first dish of the day (and maybe of the competition) that's really made me sit up and take notice. James works on a vegetable hummus, and insists that in Michigan, crudite is totally a bar food. I am unconvinced. Katsuji whips up a spin on a fish taco with some tuna, while Kariann focuses on crabcakes.

Tasting. Padma attempts to banter with George Wendt, who clearly wishes he were anywhere else. He's about as excited to appear on this show as he would be to get a root canal with a rusty screw. Obviously, Gregory is in the bottom, since most of his food is currently getting ground into the kitchen floor by people's shoes. He's joined by James, who didn't make anything approaching bar food. Save the carrot sticks for the garden party, brah. Katsuji and Kariann are the top two, with Katsuji taking the challenge and immunity. He's very pleased, but not as happy as George, who takes off so fast, there's a George-shaped puff of smoke left behind.

Elimination Challenge. Michael Schlow (a competitor from Top Chef: Masters and local food luminary) will be turning his restaurant over to the chefs and guest judging. The chefs will break into teams and each team will serve a three-course Italian meal: Antipasti, pasta, and entree. The chefs will design a menu, and whichever menu gets ordered the most by guests will be automatically be declared the winner and be safe from elimination. So, it doesn't even matter how the food tastes. If it at least sounds appetizing enough to entice the diners, a team can skate by. Everyone else is up for elimination.

How do we feel about this? I've been stewing it over in my mind, and have come to the conclusion that I like this challenge. Sure, on the one hand, it doesn't sound entirely fair that the chefs get to shield themselves from elimination via advertising rather than cooking skills. But, there's no denying that designing a menu does fall under the purview of a chef's duties, and if you can't appeal to diners' imaginations and manage their expectations, it doesn't really matter how good your food is, cause they'll never order it. In another fun little twist, Padma tells the chefs that they can pick their own teams, so let's see how that popularity contest shakes out:

Orange: Adam/Doug/Mei (the sous chef team)
Grey: Kariann/Melissa/James (the seafood team)
Blue: Rebecca/Katie/Stacy (the let's work with anyone except Aaron team)
Purple: Aaron/Katsuji/Gregory (the leftovers)

Interesting. It's completely natural that everyone else would avoid Aaron (including his girlfriend, apparently), but with all that talk last week about the bond between James and Aaron, it's curious that they didn't wind up together. Speaking of last week, since nobody went home during that Sudden Death Quickfire, Padma informs the chefs that this week will be a double elimination, and two people will be going home. The chefs make various consternated faces.

Planning and prep. James is reluctant to make seafood, but in the interest of team harmony, agrees to make fish. Katsuji and Aaron immediately fall to squabbling, of course, and Gregory is kept as busy trying to shut them up and keep them on task as cooking. During the meal, the judges are joined by Emmy Rossum, who drops the bomb on the chefs that she is gluten-free, so that pasta course takes on a new dimension. Katsuji responds to this by ripping open his ravioli and just dumping the filling into a bowl. It's not as though Emmy Rossum is missing anything, as the judges pretty uniformly hate his pasta, anyway. Stacy cuts her ribeye into thin strips, and chars the hell out of her vegetables. Every season seems to attract a group of people with one big problem. Last season, it was overseasoning/underseasoning. This time around, nobody can seem to cook their food for the proper amount of time. Doug makes a pretty basic radicchio salad, but everyone seems to enjoy it.

But, as you know, no matter how good or bad this food is, the winner is all about how good the food sounds. When the dust settles, it doesn't matter that Katsuji's pasta was awful, because the diners ordered the Purple menu most, so the most dysfunctional team gets to slide this week, but not before Katsuji is told he'd be looking at the business end of an elimination if things hadn't happened this way. All of the food on the Orange team was well-received, so they are declared safe as well. Katie, Kariann, and Melissa made some impressive items and are also excused. That brings it down to James, Rebecca, and Stacy. James' sauce was bad, and he should have stuck with his gut and made meat. I mean, yes, you have to make sure you can stand behind the dish you make, but if he can't make a serviceable fish entree, he doesn't really belong here, anyway. Rebecca's concept was all wrong (unbalanced and old-fashioned), and it didn't have enough sauce. Stacy's meat was cut too thin, and her vegetables sucked. Tom throws it over to Padma. Rebecca and James, please pack your knives and go.

Whew. Stacy has been one of the few bright spots so far in this snooze of a season, and it would have been disheartening to see her go. As it is, I'm not too put out to see Non-Entity Rebecca and Swayze Tattoo take off into the sunset. Now, if we could fast-forward to the part of the season that isn't incredibly dull, that'd be great.

Overall Grade: C+

Making Concessions

Top Chef - Season 12, Episode 3

Previously on Top Chef: Aaron decided he didn't have time to develop The Villain Role organically, and decided to just transparently grab for as much camera time as possible. Lanterns went on and off. Jaaaaaaames haaaaaaaad.....the time of his liiiiiiiife, and was led to a Quickfire win by his patron saint, Patrick Swayze. The chefs served the city's first responders, and came thisclose to actually needing them in a professional sense, as Aaron and Kariann lunged at each other's throats without bothering to put much thought into, you know, cooking. Stacy managed to save them both from elimination, goddamn it, so Joy's undercooked veal sent her packing. Double goddamn it. Thirteen chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Monday Morning Quarterback Session. Everyone in the household hates Aaron, except James, who feels some kind of ridiculous kinship with him. Aaron explains in interview that he knows he's a lot to take, but it's not his fault, cause he comes from a broken home. Oh, awesome! I had no idea that being a child of divorce gave me free rein to be a raging asshole! This opens up so many avenues for me, you guys. He goes on to say that Top Chef is helping him work through those issues, because this is a televised therapy session, and not a competition where people cook. Apparently. Also, let's ask Seth how competing in Top Chef fared in addressing his mental health issues. Assuming we can get a permit to visit him in his rubber room.

Quickfire Challenge. I guess Boston's current food culture is not enough of an attraction, so it's looking more and more like this season will be Quirky Challenges Regarding America's Past. In this one, Padma and guest judge Ming Tsai are on hand to administer a Sudden Death Quickfire revolving around tea. BOSTON TEA PARTY, GET IT?!? It actually isn't a bad ingredient to base a challenge on, since people don't really work much with tea. The chefs will each grab a mystery blend and have to incorporate it into their dish. Winner gets immunity, and loser faces elimination. Ready? Go!

Some of these tea blends sound deeply unappetizing. I guess I have classical tastes when it comes to tea, because strawberry white tea? Gunpowder spearmint tea? No thanks. Rebecca is finally allowed to speak on-screen, as she tells us that she's somewhat of a double threat, because she has actual pastry experience, unlike a lot of other savory chefs. She makes a neutral cake in order to soak up as much of the tea flavor as possible. It seems she's not as big a threat as she thinks, because after time runs out, she lands in the bottom three, along with James (bad sauce) and Aaron (overcooked fish). The top three include Melissa's duck plate, Ron's mole sauce, and Gregory, who mixed that strawberry tea with tuna. That sounds disgusting, but if the judges say it's good, I'll trust them on this one. Gregory wins the challenge and immunity. Aaron is declared the worst, and must face off against another chef to stay in the competition. Oh, please... Send him packing, someone.

Hmm... Who shall he pick to compete against? Another dude? The strong-willed woman he declared he could cook under the table last week? Nah. Dudebro needs to pick on a meek lady, because he's a giant cliche, so of course he selects Katie. The follow-up challenge is to cook something with only a pot of boiling water as the heating element. Aaron hammers some shrimp into a sheet to make a kind of free-form spring roll. I hate to throw credit his way, but that sounds like a great idea. Katie attempts to impress by hand-making pasta, but her lack of sauce does her in. Aaron wins the head-to-head, and gets to stay. Katie! Get your shit together!

Elimination Challenge. Padma announces that the chefs will be serving the meal at Fenway Park, and the chefs react as if they've been told they'll be hanging out in the Oval Office with Barry O. I'll accept the backflips from Stacy, but the rest of you people... It's a stadium. A stadium. There are a lot them lying around. Plus, fuck the Red Sox. The chefs will pick from a selection of ballpark snacks, and must create an elevated, "fine dining" dish based on it. Popcorn is a popular choice, as are peanuts and pretzels. Katsuji is the only one to pick funnel cake, and nobody picks cotton candy, because everyone is playing it safe, and this season is boring so far.

Prep. Katie dedicates her dish to her late father. Kariann insists she can braise her short ribs in three hours, because the laws of time and physics bend to her will. Ron is sad that being a chef takes him away from his family so much. A vulture swoops in and begins circling his head. Gregory used to do drugs, and has thrown himself completely into his career into order to help overcome his addictions. That's nothing, Gregory. My mom... And my dad... ARE NO LONGER MARRIED TO EACH OTHER. Beat that! Towards the end of prep, Katie realizes that her crème brulee is just not going to set, no matter how she tries to save it. Tying it directly to the memory of her father was perhaps not the best idea, as she is now an emotional wreck. Service. The chefs present in sets of three. Boston sportswriter Dan Shaughnessy, Hall of Fame pitcher Dennis Eckersley, and Hall of Fame pitcher Dennis Eckersley's "hair" are all on-hand to help judge.

I'm not going to go over everyone's dishes, but there are some highlights and lowlights. There are also some boring-lights, as everyone kind of aimed for the same thing. There are a mess of corn soups, scallops, and Thai peanut toppings, all of which can be tasty, but none of which are particularly impressive, conceptually. Katie immediately begins crying upon presenting her crème brulee, which she has turned into popcorn mousse, on blue cornmeal salted cornbread. Hey, sounds good to me. It sounds good to the judges, too. They like it very much, and chide her for shooting herself in the foot before anyone has tasted her food. Ron presents a giant mass of a fish croquette in a popcorn soup. I can't comment on its flavor, but visually, it's the furthest thing from "fine dining" we'll see tonight. A lot of chefs have severely undercooked meats (Keriann's magical ribs included), and who knows if that's related to the stadium cooking equipment or not; it's never addressed.

Judges' Table. Despite her emotional swings, Katie lands in the top three, along with Gregory (for his roasted duck with peanut sauce) and Melissa (for her corn and ramp soup with fried calamari). It's time for the increasingly less-rare double win, as Gregory sweeps the week. Meanwhile, Keriann's undercooked ribs and Ron's off-putting fish croquette have sunk them to the bottom, where they're joined by Katsuji, who once again has made a dish where he's thrown everything except potato peelings and paint chips in. The fish croquette is the worst culinary sin, and Ron is sent packing. He's a perfectly nice person, but I don't remember a word of his good-bye. Meanwhile, back in the Kitchen, Aaron has had enough of fighting with Kariann, and picks a fight with Katsuji for a change. I look around for a single molecule of caring, and can't find one.

Overall Grade: C

Sugar Imperatives and the Shortbread Concierge

Four Courses Podcast - Episode 10

Autumn! Autumn! Autumn! It's passing by too quickly. While we've still got it in our clutches, we've packed another episode full of seasonal goodness, so put on a sweater and go listen to Episode 10.

Topics include "No Menu Monday" at Home Wine Kitchen, a new semi-regular segment about our favorite drinks of the season, the majesty of soups and stews, and the food traditions of Halloween. Dibs on all the Mr. Goodbar! We close with Kyle's advice on stocking up the freezer for the cold months ahead, and given the sudden shift in temperature, it has come none too soon. Please enjoy, and feel free to drop a line to fourcoursespodcast@gmail.com with any questions, comments, feedback, or suggestions!

Domestic Disturbance

Top Chef - Season 12, Episode 2

Previously on Top Chef: 15 chefs and 1 person who cooks occasionally and hopes to get noticed by being a douche arrived in Boston to get cookin'. A new twist called the Sudden Death Quickfire punted George before his apron was even tied on properly. The Elimination Challenge put the chefs in charge of their own booths at a food fair. It's not a place you'd expect congee to excel, but Mei's impressive dish won the day, anyway. Michael's off-putting corn/caviar soup got him punted, and he groused off to no doubt find more failings to blame on other people. Fourteen chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Monday Morning Quarterback Session. After 11 seasons, you'd think the contestants would know the easiest way to shut down a burgeoning villain is to not pay him/her any attention, but Kariann has apparently not received the memo, and is only too happy to bicker with Aaron. Katsuji goes to wake Joy up, and tells her she's got "20 Mexican Minutes" to get ready. "How long is that in Black Minutes?" she grumbles, desperate for a little more sleep. Hehe. Meanwhile, James shows off his Patrick Swayze tattoo, which... Sure is there. On his skin. Forever.

Quickfire. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma and this week's guest judge Todd English. Aaron swoons as if they weren't just cooking alongside him, like, yesterday at the food fair. Also, I guess Top Chef is so impressed by the English name that they're willing to overlook silly things like DWIs and not paying rent.

Anyhow, today's Quickfire is a play on the old Paul Revere saw about "One if by land, Two if by sea". There are two lanterns set up, and if one of them lights up, the chefs must grab an ingredient from the Land table, which includes all sorts of earth-bound components, from meat to herbs to snack foods. If two lamps light up, the chefs will grab an ingredient from the Sea table, which has a bunch of oceanic creatures on it. Once a chef claims an ingredient, it's all his/hers, and all the ingredients must be used to make one composed dish. Sounds pretty challenging. Oh, and the winner will not get immunity, but will get $5000 in prize money. Ready? Go!

One lamp lights up (with a "ding" noise that I'm fairly sure that was added after the fact), and the chefs scramble and tackle each other at the Land table. There's a fair amount of hurry-up-and-wait in preparation for further lamp lightings, since there's only so much prep you can do with your single ingredient. It goes on in this manner until the Land lamp has gone on three times, and the Sea lamps have gone on just once. After Todd and Padma go down the line, Joy and Stacy fall to the bottom, while James and Katsuji rise to the top. I'm consulting my notes to see what they made that inspired these opinions, and have found that I did not write it down. Stellar work, me. Katsuji is happy to have redeemed himself after his disappointing Elimination performance in the first challenge, but that pride will have to be prize enough, as James takes the win. James is quietly pleased. I sense he's not going to get a lot of camera time this season unless he's the clear frontrunner (a la Paul in Season 9).

Elimination Challenge. The heads of the Boston police department and fire department enter (ugh, those BOSTON ACCENTS) and Padma tells the chefs that they'll be cooking for a group of the city's first responders. Pretty noble! The gentlemen describe a bit of what they're looking for (no donuts, please), but it turns out not to matter, because the chefs won't be shopping for ingredients anyway. Good, because that's reliably the most boring segment in every episode. Why do they insist on showing it? Eh, that's a rant for another day. The chefs are amped to cook for the city's heroes, especially hometown girl Stacy (who naturally brings up the Boston marathon bomber), and Adam, who tells the story of his mother, who went briefly missing after the September 11 attacks. He's allowed to spend a couple of minutes detailing the terror and sense of foreboding he went through before finding out that she was okay, and because his story is given some actual time and weight, it's genuinely affecting, and doesn't come off as overblown or pandering. So that's a nice change.

The chefs pull knives to determine teams. Each team will focus on one dish. The number they pull will also determine the order they cook in, and thus the order they get to select their mystery box of ingredients. The teams shake out to be:

Team #1: Mei/Katsuji/Katie
Team #2: Rebecca/Gregory/Adam
Team #3: James/Dougie
Team #4: Melissa/Joy/Ron
Team #5: Aaron/Kariann/Stacy

So that causes some feelings. Mei isn't thrilled to be teamed with two people who were on the bottom of the first Elimination Challenge. Kariann is bummed that she's forced to work with a massive tool. Too bad, suckas. That evening, the teams meet to discuss strategy. Team #5 wonders if they'll be forced to make dessert, and though Kariann has limited experience in pastry, she says it's pointless to try and plan anything without knowing what their ingredients are. That's true across the board, but it does give us time to watch the imminent implosion of Team #5, since they can't go three sentences without Kariann and Aaron getting into a fight. Poor Stacy is caught in the middle, and in interview, mimes shooting herself. I feel you, girl. For viewers, here's a fun game: Re-watch the episode and count how many times Stacy rolls her eyes at the two idiots she's stuck with.

The next day, the teams enter one at a time to start prep. None of the mystery boxes have any overly wacky ingredients (and there aren't any dessert components), so really, the choice is more about preference than about sticking anyone with bad food. Mei and Katsuji get into a brief... Well, not fight. It's just that they both want to make the sauce for their halibut dish. Mei doesn't trust Katsuji after his last Elimination Challenge dish (I guess his high placement in the Quickfire doesn't carry any weight), and he wants to prove he's capable of the task. Mei reluctantly agrees to let him make the sauce, but insists on tasting both his and Katie's components before anything is finalized. I mean, I know she won last week, but I missed the step where she was elected Team Leader of this group. We don't see any interviews of Katsuji or Katie complaining that she's acting like their boss, so maybe it really was decided that she'd take point on this challenge.

Team #5 (well, Aaron and Kariann) are still fighting, and still getting on Stacy's nerves. Meanwhile, Team #4 is suffering from the diametrically opposed problem. They're all trying to be ultra-polite and considerate of each other's feelings, which means that the ideas for the dish are becoming muddled and unfocused. Joy offers to cook the veal, while Ron insists that it should include some vanilla in the flavoring. Sirens go off and a dozen red flags fall from the ceiling. OK, not really, but they should have. Aaron and Kariann take a break from fighting to harangue Stacy about how she's cooking the chicken. She ignores both of them.

Service. Team #1 has made sauteed halibut, with a pea coconut puree and a grilled fennel slaw with pickled cherries and rhubarb. It gets very positive feedback, and to her credit, Mei gives a mea culpa interview in which she gives Katsuji full credit for a delicious sauce. Team #2 is also praised for their filet mignon with parsnip puree, scallops, and vinaigrette. The big shocker for that team is that Rebecca is actually allowed to say a few dozen words on camera. Team #3 believes they had an advantage in only having two people instead of three. I'd be curious to see how they'd have felt about that if their partner had been Aaron, instead. In any case, they've made grilled pork chop with grilled stone fruit salad, mushrooms, and walnuts. The diners like everything. Can it be that this'll be one of those challenges where everything is good, and the loser comes down to a tiny little detail?

Well, no. Because here comes Team #4 with undercooked veal that is flavored with maple and vanilla. Eeeeeeeew. It's also got a citrus/kale slaw on it. I'm gonna go make a quick flow chart called "Should You Add Maple and/or Vanilla to Your Meat/Fish Entree?" It won't take long. All the questions will just point to a big red NO. Joy is in trouble for not cooking the veal long enough, but since it was Ron's idea to include the vanilla, he's in trouble, too. Melissa tries to make herself invisible. Team #4 is also helped along by Team #5, who has prepared pan-roasted chicken breast, with onion/bourbon jam and fresh corn salad. Stacy's chicken is perfectly cooked, but both Aaron's jam and Kariann's corn salad are offensively bad. Who would have thunk it? You know, besides me, you, and everyone else watching.

Judges' Table. Teams #1 and #2 are in the top two spots, and both are given high praise. Katie and Katsuji are relieved to be on this end of the spectrum. It's not quite enough to carry the day, though, as Team #2 takes the top spot. Obviously, Teams #4 and #5 are on the bottom. Joy and Ron are meek when taken to task for their failings, but meekness is not an attitude that Team #5 embraces. Aaron blames Kariann for all their problems. Kariann blames Aaron for all their problems. Stacy stands there and looks like she wants to jump into a volcano. Tom tells both Kariann and Aaron that they should be falling all over themselves to thank Stacy, as her chicken has saved the team (Spoiler: They do not, preferring to fight some more, instead). Unfortunately, that means that lovable, normal Joy will be taking the long walk home. Why yes, I did see this coming a full week ago - you're so considerate to notice! Still, that doesn't mean I can't be sad to lose such a nice contestant. Unlike Michael, she takes full responsibility for her mistakes, and regrets that she couldn't pull it together enough to go farther. Me too, Joy. Be well.

Overall Grade: B-

The Boston Massacre

Top Chef - Season 12, Episode 1

For a show that's clearly past its prime, Top Chef should be commended for doing their damndest to keep things fresh. I can't even pretend to care what's happening on The Amazing Race these days, and that used to be appointment television. Top Chef treads well-worn territory, and some of the casting for Season 12 may as well be published as the Reality Show Archetype Checklist, but some changes are being attempted too. Some are more successful than others.

In the promising column: This season is located in Boston. I may hate their accents, but there's no denying that I'm very interested in the city's food culture. Starting with sixteen contestants that is almost immediately whittled down to fourteen is a lot more manageable than the seasons where they fling close to two dozen people at us. That immediate whittling is due to a new concept called the Sudden Death Quickfire. We'll get to the details in a moment, but on first glance, it struck me as a good way to keep the season moving along at a good clip and to keep the contestants on their toes. Judge feedback is a lot more direct and up-front. I'm a little wary of snark for snark's sake, but it's interesting to see judges criticize food as they eat it, right to the chef's face, rather than sitting on it like some giant secret until it pops out at Judges' Table. And speaking of Judges' Table, all the contestants are called in so that the top three and bottom three are discussed in front of everyone. That should make for some fascinating interpersonal dynamics.

In the not-so-promising column: As this show gets longer in the tooth, casting becomes more and more of a challenge. We'll get to some of the individual people in a moment, but as a group, they seem a bit milquetoast and recycled. A few of them have been brought to the show by their association with previous contestants, which is a bummer. There are plenty of talented chefs in the country; there's no need to be so incestuous. Though it's tough to judge the judges after a single episode, let's give it a whirl, anyway. Tom seems completely over the entire enterprise. His boredom is palpable. Previous contestant (and All-Stars winner) Richard Blais is present as a guest judge, possibly a permanent one. And while he may be an amazing chef, he falls flat in this role. That's about it for my initial complaints, and none of them are insurmountable.

So, shall we get to the details of this first episode from the cradle of American liberty? As always, it's tough to get much of a sense of the contestants, other than the handful that the editors wish to focus on. It'll take a while to figure out who's worth rooting for, and who's a secret asshole, and who can break out of the Reality Show Character Rut. For now, though, the rut is in full swing. Shall we call her "Joy" or "Nice, Relatable Lady Who's Out Of Her Depth"? (Laurine and Carrie say hi, by the way.) Is that "Aaron" or "Guy Who Correctly Assumes He's Not Talented Enough And Will Attempt To Get Attention By Being A Jerk"? (Ken and Eli send their regards.) We'll obviously learn more about these people as we go along, but for now, they're essentially all That One Guy, and That Type of Lady Who...

We begin the festivities with the aforementioned Sudden Death Quickfire. How it works is that the chef who performs the worst is up for immediate elimination. The only way to save himself/herself is to directly challenge another chef to an additional challenge. If the initial loser loses again, then they're out. If they win the subsequent challenge, then both chefs get to stay. It seems very well-designed, and I'm looking forward to seeing how these shake out. The first Quickfire is the always-popular mise-en-place relay race. I generally like this challenge, but feel like it's too early in the season for it. Since we have no sense of the contestants (and they have no sense of each other), the teams and placements are entirely arbitrary. So, that's a disappointment, but it's still a pretty fun challenge.

Since we're in Boston, we get thematically-appropriate ingredients. Someone has gone to the trouble of researching and concluding that it should take about equal amounts of time to break down each of the following: 3 lobsters, 20 oysters, 8 mackerel, and 21 clams. I'd like to see the raw data and footage of the testing that went into reaching these numbers. Not because I don't believe it - it just sounds like it'd be interesting to watch. There will be four teams of four (Green, Yellow, Red, Blue), and the person that takes the longest to finish on the team that completes all four tasks last will be the unfortunate soul up for elimination. So even if you suck, having three capable teammates will pull you through on this one. Ready? Go!

There's immediately some grumbling and pissing matches about who should take each ingredient on each team, but again, since we know nothing of these people's actual strengths and weaknesses yet, it's fairly pointless. All you need to know is that the Green team speeds through their tasks with razor-sharp focus, and everyone on the Red team is terrible. The Red team is last to finish, and the stopwatches show that George took the longest on his task (shucking the clams). He's asked to select which chef to go head-to-head against in the final challenge, and he picks fellow Red teammate Gregory, mostly because Gregory insisted on taking the mackerel, which he then took forever to break down. It sounds petty, but given that George doesn't know anything about anyone in the room, it's a decent enough choice. The final challenge is twenty minutes to prepare a dish with any of the four ingredients. George makes a pan-seared mackerel in a very Greek style, while Gregory goes for style points by making a chilled trio with the lobster, oyster, and mackerel. How he chills food in twenty minutes is beyond me, and it's never shown or remarked upon, I think. Neither one of the dishes blows Padma and Richard away, but Richard selects Gregory as the winner, which means that George will never even get to unpack his suitcase. Bye, George! I'll never forget the time we shared!

Elimination Challenge. The chefs will be manning booths at a Top Chef food festival, alongside previous contestants and some Big Name Chefs. Whew. There's been an unfortunate trend of front-loading the season with team challenges, and I'm glad to see that the chefs will be rising and falling on their own merits in the first big one. The chefs will be serving 250 diners, and are tasked with making an updated version of the very first dish they ever made. So, it'll be fifteen grilled cheese sandwiches or scrambled eggs? Because those are everyone's first dishes. So when you see congee and fried chicken and such later, know that all these people are liars.

The shopping and prep montage is mostly boring, except for giving Aaron another chance to be a tool by openly deriding Katie's choice to make a broccoli salad. Except here I am paying attention to him, so mission accomplished, I guess? That, and... Well, you know when someone makes a good point, but does it in such an assy way that you're reluctant to agree with them? That's where we are here, because although I'd cheerfully push Aaron into a vat of fish guts, he's right. Katie's salad looks overly simplistic, and kind of gross to boot. Katsuji is Mexican, Japanese, and Jewish, and he celebrates his jumbled heritage by throwing every ingredient ever grown or invented into his dish. Meanwhile, Michael tells us that he's totally going to win this competition because he's got "the personality, the look, and the style". I'll just go ahead and remind you that this is a cooking competition in case you've forgotten, because it seems that Michael has.

Service. Boston native Stacy is anxious about representing for the hometown, and is adorably giddy when she gets good feedback on her chicken dish and when she meets the mayor of Boston, who strolls through to shake hands and get some camera time. No judgment. If I were the mayor of my town, going to local food festivals would be number one on the agenda. That, and stemming crime or WHATEVER. Joy makes fried chicken skin with grits, and Js*afl8jfaeKlkhj. Whoops, sorry about that. I was choking on my own drool. And for yet more chicken, Doug (or Dougie, as he asks to be called) gets rave reviews for his chicken with pickled jalapenos and watermelon. As I mentioned before, the judges are lot more forthcoming with their critiques, telling the chefs right there at their booths that their dishes are too sour or contrived or whatever. Richard has the nerve to criticize a couple of them for annoying molecular gastronomy trends like bacon salt and olive oil snow. Physician, heal thyself.

Though there are dishes the judges like and dishes the judges dislike, they seem utterly befuddled by two: They're impressed by Gregory's Haitian stewed chicken with fried bananas and Scotch Bonnet chilis, and less impressed by Katsuji's everything-including-the-kitchen-sink-and-maybe-some-stuff-down-the-garbage-disposal-as-well dish of "Petroleum" Shrimp, with saffron couscous, chili aioli, and a "fondue" of squid ink. Just in case you ever wanted a puddle of gray sludge running down your plate. Aaron may have a lot of bluster, but bluster doesn't save him from Padma having to spit out the pork belly he serves her, which is conservatively 87% fat. I've never seen her look so pissed off, except maybe when Howie took away her power to eliminate. The judges also hate Michael's chilled corn soup with pickled cherries and Sriracha caviar. But don't worry, he knows why they didn't like it. It's because the judges have unsophisticated palates, and just don't understand the dish. Sure, that seems likely. In case my sarcastic tone didn't come across in that last sentence, just picture my eyes rolling out of my head and across the room while reading it.

Judges' Table. All of the contestants are brought in to witness their compatriots' triumph and defeat. In the top three are Dougie's excellent fried chicken, Gregory's confusing, but tasty Haitian chicken, and Mei, who I haven't really mentioned, but whose congee With carmelized pork, fish sauce caramel, and black garlic puree looked amazing. So amazing that she wins. That really does sound like a dish I'd inhale in a very ungentlemanly manner. Down at the bottom are Katie, with her poorly-conceived and poorly-executed broccoli salad, Katsuji's giant mess of a dish, and Michael's corn soup, which is likened to "fishy cereal". Bleh. Tom throws it over to Padma, and Michael is unsurprisingly axed. He humbly accepts his loss, and in his final interview, promises to learn from his mistakes and to work on expanding his understanding on how to appeal to a broad range of tastes. Nah, just joshing you. He spits out excuses as to why the judges are dumb dummies who don't understand his genius. OK, well, thanks for stopping by, Michael. See ya never.

Overall Grade: B

Reluctant Companionship and the Astonishing Pepper Gradient

Four Courses Podcast - Episode 9

Well, damn! I got so excited about the change in the season and its attendant food, and so busy inhaling the scent of autumnal spices, that I forgot to mention that we just released an episode about it! Other fans of the cooler months of the year will find much to like in these next few editions of the podcast, so to kick it off, go give Episode 9 a listen.

Topics include Eleven Eleven Mississippi, the Urban Chestnut Brewing Company, the fruits and vegetables of autumn, and the ups and downs of communal dining. We wrap with Andy's befuddlement over the omnipresence of a particular fruit, then head back outside to soak up the cool breezes. Please enjoy, and feel free to drop a line to fourcoursespodcast@gmail.com with any questions, comments, feedback, or suggestions!

Cornbread Canaries and the Crêpe of Perpetual Motion

Four Courses Podcast - Episode 8

Summer is winding down, so your Four Courses hosts did a fair amount of eating outdoors this past month. Whether it was patio dining at a restaurant or attending local food events at the park, we were all about soaking up the sun while we can. That seasonal eating influenced a couple of our discussions this month, so go give Episode 8 a listen, either on our site, or via iTunes/Stitcher.

Topics include Katie's Pizza, the specialized lingo of bar drinking, the culture of food trucks, and the recent surge of Cajun and Creole cuisine. Finally, we wrap up with Kyle's thoughts on how a certain actress' contribution to the world of food goes over. Spoiler alert: Maybe she should stick to acting.

I hope you enjoy it, and feel free to mail fourcoursespodcast@gmail.com with any questions, comments, feedback, or suggestions!

American Food Mythology and the Feast of Waffles

Four Courses Podcast - Episode 7

Independence Day falls in July, of course, but there are a lot of other reasons July makes us feel so darn patriotic. Summer BBQs! Baseball games! Fruit pies! We spend this hour delving into how food and drink ties us to America, so go check out Episode 7 on the site, or subscribe to Four Courses Podcast on iTunes or Stitcher.

Topics include the alluring waffles of Melt, a grown-up approach to Jello shots, foods that might make the average American feel patriotic, and the phenomenon of pop-up restaurants. Finally, I get a little feisty in railing against a fruit that nobody seems to like, yet won't just do the honorable thing and go away.

Please enjoy, and mail fourcoursespodcast@gmail.com with any questions, comments, feedback, or suggestions!

Sacred Sandwiches and the Romantic Meat Connection

Four Courses Podcast - Episode 6

With summer upon us, we felt we must tackle some appropriate, hot-weather topics. But really, any excuse to get together and shoot the shit about gin and steak is acceptable. Episode 6 is now live at the site, or if you want to take us on the go, subscribe to us on iTunes or Stitcher. You'll be just in time to listen to me flail about hopelessly when it comes to backyard grilling.

Topics include the achingly good BBQ at Sugarfire, the versatility of gin, the ins and outs of grilling, and in our most popular Dessert segment to date, a discussion of the food buzzwords that drive us up the wall. Finally, we wrap things up with an impassioned defense of the classic grilled cheese.

Please enjoy, and mail fourcoursespodcast@gmail.com with any questions, comments, feedback, or suggestions!

Señor Skrillex and the Citrus Dichotomy

Four Courses Podcast - Episode 5

¡Hola! Up for some Mexican food? Sure you are! Well, you're in luck. In honor of Cinco de Mayo, the May episode of Four Courses is almost entirely Mexican-themed. Why not mix up a margarita, kick back, and go give Episode 5 a listen? It's live at fourcoursespodcast.com, and is also available for subscription on iTunes and Stitcher.

Topics include Tower Taco, the origins and variations of margaritas, the St. Louis festival for Cinco de Mayo down on Cherokee Street, the relatively recent trend of upscale Mexican food, and finally, a short discussion of the edibles we've got planted in our spring gardens.

Please enjoy, and mail fourcoursespodcast@gmail.com with any questions, comments, feedback, or suggestions!

Polish Hospitality and the Schrödinger Brunch

Four Courses Podcast - Episode 4

Hello! There's a lot of news to report in the world of Four Courses! We have a shiny new logo, and have become available to download from and subscribe to on iTunes. And now that you've got a new way to find us, how about a new episode to go with it? Episode 4 is now live at fourcoursespodcast.com (and on iTunes, of course), so go give it a listen!

Topics include the Goody Cafe, the Civil Life brewery, the wide variations of St. Louis' lenten fish frys, the uptick of dim sum's popularity, and finally, Kyle takes us out with his...strong feelings about flair bartending.

I hope you enjoy it, and please feel free to email fourcoursespodcast@gmail.com with any questions or comments you have about the show.

Websites of Mystery and the Great Pastry Wars

Four Courses Podcast - Episode 3

Greetings! Though we've edged into April, I'd like to ask you to cast your mind back. Back, back, back. All the way to... March. Done that? Good. Now that you're in the proper frame of mind, why not give Episode 3 a listen? It's posted at fourcoursespodcast.com, so go check it out.

Topics include "Table", garnishes and mixers for your favorite cocktails, the March eatin' holidays of Pi(e) Day and St. Patrick's Day, the basics of what goes into the failure or success of a restaurant, and finally, some righteous anger about a food festival that's making all the wrong moves. Literally.

I hope you enjoy it, and please consider joining the Four Courses community!

Crown of Thorns

Top Chef - Season 11, Episode 17

Previously on Top Chef: The whole season. A certain person got ultra-busy with his other food project and unforgivably left the finale recap to rot on the shelf. That was also partially due to the loss of both Louis and Shirley - it's always a bummer to see your favorites go. But onward! Tonight, a winner will be named! If by "tonight", you mean "months ago", but incomplete series bug me. Let's knock it out.

Here we are at the end of an overly-lengthy season. I think it's time to go back to the days when we began with fewer chefs; there's no need for Top Chef to be longer than I, Claudius. It's down to Nina and Nicholas, and thankfully, the finale challenge is one of those give-us-all-you-got four course menus. I'm still a little bitter about that finale where the proteins were chosen for the chefs. There will be two services, and in a strange twist, the finalists will not only be serving the judges, but doing a full-on restaurant shift, serving a bunch of other diners as well, managing a waitstaff, etc. I'm not necessarily against it figuring into the challenge, but it sure is weird.

Naturally, a task of this magnitude will require some help, and unsurprisingly, that help will come in the form of eliminated contestants. Not everyone is there to choose from, but I doubt we're all aching to spend more time with Michael anyway, so no big deal. Nicholas won the previous challenge, so he gets to pick first. He selects Jason (the hair-flipping model from way back when), Louis, and Brian. Nina picks up Shirley, Stephanie, and Travis. That settled, the chefs spring into prep work. Nicholas is going to focus on classical French technique, while Nina opts for more local flavors. She also decides to take a bit of a risk by including two optional dishes, trying to get as much of her work in front of the judges as possible. That risk almost immediately blows up in her face when the ice cream recipe she's shopped for is ruined by the lack of an ice cream machine at the restaurant she'll be working in. Nicholas hopes to redeem his terrible flan by making panna cotta.

After the day of prep is complete, the chefs are taken to dinner with the judges. As a fun surprise for them (and the better to get their emotions all whipped up into a lather), other guests have been invited, too: Nina's husband and brother, and Nicholas' wife and mother. Hearts swell. Nerves are excited. Tom indulges in some terrible wordplay. Par for the course, really. The next day, it's time for final prep. Nina worries that her goat dish is too chewy. Nicholas is having staff problems, and I can't tell if he's being overly demanding, or if his servers are as stupid and incompetent as he's making them out to be. Time runs down, and the two sets of judges (along with the usual Names) gather at the restaurants alongside the random diners.

First Course: Nina begins with an amuse bouche of crispy breadfruit, served with foie gras butter, and some curried salt. I've never had breadfruit, but it sounds good. She follows that up with tuna and escolar tartare with tomato water, jalapeno, and lemon. The judges find it nicely refreshing, and a good reflection of Hawaii. Nicholas' first course consists of a crudo of hamachi and tuna, with three preparations of green apple. He's already snapping at his servers and expediters, who to be fair, do seem to be screwing up left and right. His first course is - wait for it - underseasoned. I'll give you a moment to pick your jaw up off the ground.

Second Course: Nicholas and Jason have prepared a sweet shrimp bisque, with scallops and "noodles" made of daikon, some shaved abalone, and Thai basil. This course goes over much better. It does sound pretty intriguing. Nina has worked out her goat problems (there's a sentence I'll never need again), and serves braised baby goat with orecchiette pasta, a cherry tomato confit, and whipped goat cheese. The judges are over the moon for it, and for good reason. It looks amazing.

Third Course: Nina and Travis have made a spice-rubbed swordfish with squash puree, braised kale, and smoked onion jus. This course is not as successful as her other ones. The fish isn't bright enough, the kale's flavors are intruding on the swordfish, and there may be too much spice rub involved. Nicholas brings his duck up to a medium doneness, which is unusual, but he's trying to work around some texture issues. The course is a seared kombu-cured duck breast, with compressed kabocha squash, hijiki, and ginger. The judges mostly love it, with two noticeable problems. Once is Emeril's flabby cut of duck, which he chews and chews without ever being able to break down. And speaking of "break down", Nicholas openly berates his serving staff right there at the table. And I mean, no matter how terrible they are, that's not a professional way to handle it.

Fourth Course: Nicholas has made a white chocolate panna cotta, with almond cocoa crumble, and some tropical fruit. It doesn't look or sound that great, but the judges seem to appreciate it. Before Nina's dessert comes out, she serves an intermezzo of compressed dragon fruit in a ginger simple syrup, with some frozen papaya. Sounds refreshing! Her dessert proper is chocolate zeppole with macadamia nuts, toasted coconut, and a passion fruit angalise. Stop ruining desserts, coconut.

Once the first service is over, the judges swap locations. There's not much difference in the reactions with this second crew, except that Nick's duck course goes over much better, and him screaming about the terrible waitstaff can be heard in the dining room. It's pretty understandable to be frazzled about coming so close to the win and feel like you're going down on a technicality, but pull your shit together, dude. Nobody's going to say "You would have won, but your servers didn't place the fish on the left, so forget it." Both menus are well-received by the judges, with Nicholas' being notably stronger than his usual fare. Service winds down.

Judges' Table. As expected, only a few brief comments are dedicated to Nicholas' problems with the serving staff. I just want to mention one last time that it's fine for this not to be a big deal on Top Chef, but that it's a very big deal in real life. I've seen a few chefs get off on terrorizing waiters, and it is not acceptable. Now, to the food. Nicholas' first dish lacked seasoning, which has been one of his most consistent problems. Tom and Padma disagree about his second course. Padma didn't get enough scallop flavor, but Tom loved it. He also really liked Nicholas' duck, which is Emeril's cue to mention how terrible his portion was. The panna cotta was fine, though it has some minor texture issues. Nina's crudo and goat dishes were wonderful, but her swordfish dish was a misstep. Also, her dessert felt too slight.

Deliberations begin. Normally, when they say the finale is close, I dismiss it as disingenuous. Nine times out of then, they obviously know who they're going to select as the winner. I do have to say, though, that this one appears to genuinely come down to the wire. Nina is generally accepted as "winning" the first and second courses, while Nicholas "won" the third and fourth. The judges argue back and forth for hours before a final choice is finally made. The winner of Top Chef is... Nicholas! And a million foghorn noises go off in a million brains. He, of course, is deliriously happy, and Nina is gracious in defeat. Everyone celebrates and toasts the champion, and the season comes to a close.

Plenty of internet ink has been spilled about this decision, but I can't whip myself into too much of a froth about it. Sure, I would have preferred that Nina have won. Well actually, I would have preferred that Shirley have won, but I can see where the groundswell of support for Nina is coming from. She's been leading the pack since the very first challenge, and it's very likely that overall, she's a much more talented chef. And there's a whiff of symbolic unfairness that despite her being more talented, the straight-white-dude judge turned it around so the straight-white-dude contestant could win. I'm not saying that Tom is prejudiced or that the season was rigged or anything. It just comes off as a disappointing shrug of a finale. Like I said, though, I'm not too bummed, because Top Chef is about a lot more than the final decision. Nicholas gets the title and the money, but Nina gets the word-of-mouth career boost. It's obvious that no matter where she's cooking, people will flock to taste her food now. And I don't even dislike Nicholas. He seems like a decent guy, and I don't begrudge him the win. If nothing else, maybe this experience will teach him a few valuable lessons. Not least of which about how much salt to put in his dishes.

Overall Grade: C
Overall Season Grade: B

Fruit-Wrapped Genitals and the Buffet of Shame

Four Courses Podcast - Episode 2

Hey there, food fans. The second episode of Four Courses just went live at fourcoursespodcast.com. Topics include "The Crossing", Old Man Drinks, reliable food "go-to's", the odd intersection of food and sex, and when it's okay to whip the phone out at the dinner table.

Go give it a listen, and I hope you become part of the Four Courses community!

Facebook Fury and the Naan of Tears

Four Courses Podcast - Episode 1

Does it seem like I've fallen behind on getting the last episodes of Top Chef recapped? I have! Know why? Because I've been throwing all my spare time into launching a new venture! If you're a big food fan, I invite you to check out my new podcast, "Four Courses". We'll be exploring all sorts of food- and drink-related topics, from local eats to broader social trends. We just uploaded our first episode, which can be found at our website: FourCoursesPodcast.com

Stop by and give it a listen! Food is much more interesting to me as a conversation than as a presentation, so please feel free to leave a comment with food opinions, suggestions for future topics, and general feedback. I promise I'll get the Top Chef finale recap up relatively soon, but while you wait, why not join the Four Courses community, and let us know what you think?

Spam Alert

Top Chef - Season 11, Episode 16

Previously on Top Chef: Our time in New Orleans came to an end, but not before Carlos snagged a car, Nicholas snagged a Quickfire win, Shirley snagged an Elimination Challenge win, and Nina snagged... Well, some nice compliments and a spot in the finals. The final four was close, but ultimately, Carlos' lukewarm tamale sent him packing. Three chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

The chefs reunite with the judges (along with guest judge Sam Choy) at a luau in Maui. Sigh. What I wouldn't give to be bobbing in the Hawaiian waves right about now. Seriously, winter. We get it. Before the challenges begin, there's a little business to tend to. As you probably know, all of the eliminated chefs get a crack at returning to the competition by winning Last Chance Kitchen. I don't watch those challenges, though I generally kept up-to-date on who was clinging to the win. I'll have to delve into the "fairness" of LCK sometime; a lot could be said about someone getting to go to the finals by besting someone else in a glorified Quickfire.

In any event, the final two competitors in LCK were Louis and Carlos, and each of them made a dish for the final three to taste and vote on. Thankfully, it was a blind tasting, so we don't have to worry about any personality conflicts entering into the equation. The winner of the challenge, and the chef returning to the competition is... Louis! That's nice. I've always enjoyed him, though there's definitely a shallow component of that. I'm only human!

Quickfire. It's a deceptively simple one. Since we're in Hawaii, the Quickfire challenge today is to make a dish that incorporates and features Spam. Here's another small confession: I've never tasted Spam in my entire life. I keep meaning to buy some just to see what it's like, but keep forgetting or procrastinating. I've heard it's not too bad, so I'm not sure why I haven't followed through. I'll put it on my list of Food Resolutions. Immunity obviously is no longer up for grabs (or perhaps not-so-obviously, given how long they held onto it this season), but the winner does get a big ol' check for $10,000. There's incentive for you. Ready? Go!

Louis makes a torchon, and is under siege by the guests at the luau, who annoyingly pepper him with questions while he's trying to cook. Back off, bitches! Although, really...I can't blame them. Nina doesn't have to worry about groupies, and sets about making Spam croquettes with breadfruit, which is a wise incorporation of island ingredients. Shirley is making a sort of deconstructed musubi to approximate the fried rice dish she makes for her husband all the time. Nicholas, who has been criticized over and over for underseasoning his food, promises to aggressively salt his Spam broth with pancetta and ponzu.

When the dust settles, all four dishes are praised, though Louis could have featured the Spam flavor better, and Nicholas ONCE AGAIN has a seasoning issue. I'm thinking it's genetic at this point. He just has heightened salt receptors, which cause him to underseason everything. That or he's just terrible at this aspect of cooking, but that's cool. Who cares about seasoning level in their food? I'm being snarky because Nicholas actually wins the challenge and the money, and flunking Salt 101 should have disqualified him. I can understand people getting eliminated because they couldn't nail a technical aspect of their cooking in this atmosphere of intense competition and brutal time limits. But when someone is told over and over that they can't salt their food properly and sails into the finals? I don't get it.

Elimination Challenge. The judges point out the outrigger canoes that several Hawaiians are paddling to shore. The boats are laden with the ingredients available for the chefs to make a dish of their choosing. These ingredients are "canoe crops", which include the meats, fish, and plants that Polynesian settles sailed to Hawaii long ago. The chefs become markedly less interested in this fascinating history lesson when they're told that this will be a double elimination. Only two chefs will proceed to the final showdown. This leads to a panicked run for the boats, during which Shirley once again face plants. Grace is not her defining quality.

Prep. Nina accidentally butchers Nicholas' fish instead of her own. Where he'd be furious if Carlos had done that, he's mostly just bemused now, since Nina doesn't usually make these kinds of mistakes. They manage to work it out so Nina can go fight with a food processor and Nicholas can go fight with a pressure cooker. During the final stages of the outdoor prep, it begins to rain, which doesn't do wonders for the cooking process. The chefs grimly attempt to protect as much of the food as they can. A portion of Shirley's potatoes gets waterlogged, and has to be thrown out. Damn it. Time runs out, and the chefs present their dishes to the judges.

Louis has grilled opah with sweet potato, burnt onion, coconut, and seaweed, topped with coconut sauce. A lot of island flavors are great, and I ate well in Hawaii, but cripes, did I have to remain ever-vigilant that no coconut seeped into my meals there. Nina has opah as well, and serves it with marinated aromatics and grilled taro root. She also has coconut puree (arrrrrgh!) and a breadfruit chip. Nicholas has made opakapaka fish, with jalapenos and crispy chicken skin. The whole thing is on a pork jus and garnished with seaweed. That sounds delicious, and not just because he avoided coconut. Shirley serves honey-glazed pork, with a sweet potato/tumeric puree. It's garnished with boiled egg, chili, and pickled onion. Yes, please.

Fret 'n sweat. The meal is given general praise, but there are always things to nitpick. Louis' fish were cooked inconsistently. Nicholas' jalapenos may have taken over the flavor of his dish too much. Yeah, that's why I tend to not use them very much. Nina's fish was somewhat over-spiced, and Shirley's pork was way too sweet. These critiques are rehashed when the chefs come out to Judges' Table, and then it's time for the big chop. First, we must have a winner, and that winner is... Nicholas. Man, he has really been resurgent lately. The judges inform him that he'll have an advantage in the final challenge, but we'll leave that for another day. Who will be joining him in the finals? I dearly wish this could be more suspenseful, but we all know already, right? Who's been dominating this competition from Day One? Yes, it's Nina, so we must bid goodbye to Louis and Shirley, both of whom I really like, so this is a tough one.

Both of them are disappointed, of course, but needn't feel bad about sharing the news of their loss with their families, which both of them worry about. I never got a real sense of Louis' style of cooking, but I would eat at a Shirley restaurant in a heartbeat, and not having the winning title doesn't matter to me a bit. She is glad that cooking in these challenges has guided her to finally discovering her individual voice. Louis wishes he could have won for his son, and while the money would have been nice, I'm sure his kid loves his dad nonetheless. So, it's down to Nicholas and Nina! Who will win? Who will lose? Who will tell the producers of this show that I'd be more invested in the outcome if this season hadn't been dragging on for what seems like six years? Find out next week!

Overall Grade: B-

Gulf Shore Leave

Top Chef - Season 11, Episode 15

Previously on Top Chef: The King of the Food Truck stopped by to remind the peasants who rules the roost, and to intimate that he knows more about Mexican food preparation than Mexicans. I can't wait for him to come tell me I'm making my great-great-grandmother's matzo ball soup incorrectly. Shirley eked out a Quickfire win and immunity. In the Elimination Challenge, the chefs were tasked with creating a dish that represented a turning point in their career. Shirley picked up the double-win, while Brian found a new turning point in his career: The time that using boneless, skinless chicken breast got him chopped. Four chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Quickfire. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma, Tom, and Gail. We haven't had enough Gail this season. Immunity is finally not being offered any longer, but the winner does get a prize. It turns out to be another car, so if Shirley wins, she can practically start her own rental service. The Quickfire will be judged in two parts today. Gail explains that for the first part, the chefs are to make a single-bite dish (to be served on a cocktail fork) that incorporates something sweet, salty, spicy, and textured. Sounds tough. When the clock starts, the chefs immediately leap into hysterical prep. Nicholas tries to start some tiff with Shirley about the temperature the fryer is set to, but she has no time for his sack of bullshit.

When the dust settles, the judges go down the line. Carlos has grilled some mango and shrimp, and serves it with a spicy chili glaze. Sounds good. Nicholas serves beef deckle with balsamic vinegar and potato chips that are a vibrant shade of purple. There's also a cayenne yogurt. Shirley has flank steak with crispy onions and black pepper cherry. The cocktail fork is her undoing, and a good portion of the bite falls over before Gail can eat it. Nina serves shrimp escabeche with a potato aioli and pickled shallots. Only two of the four chefs will move on to the second round, and those two are... Nicholas and Carlos. Ooh, this is shaping up to be a little West Side Story kind of face-off. You know, without the murder.

In the second round, the finalists will cook something using bell pepper or eggplant. The trick is, one chef must use pepper, and one must use eggplant. So whoever gets to the ingredients first gets to select their veggie of choice. Nicholas smokes Carlos in the footrace, and snags the eggplant, much to Carlos' disappointment. I wouldn't be sad to get bell pepper; it's the most versatile vegetable I know. Anyhow, Nicholas winds up making roasted eggplant with sesame seeds, Sriracha, and chili threads. Maybe it's just because I'm obsessed with Sriracha right now, but that looks incredible. Carlos makes fried pepper soup with fennel, basil, and onion. As much as I am into Sriracha right now, that's how much I'm over fennel. Ease up, people. The winner of the challenge and the car is... Carlos! Nicholas takes a moment to sad-sack into the camera about how he's the only person left who hasn't won a prize. Sorry, man. Maybe you can take comfort in the fact that your career is getting a shortcut to fame by appearing on this show? Kthxbai.

Elimination Challenge. Emeril enters to explain that this will be the last challenge in New Orleans before the final three move on to the finale in Maui. A year ago on this exact date, I was kicking back on a Maui beach. I'll try to remember that as I trudge home through the six inches of predicted snow tonight. In order to say goodbye to the Big Easy in style, today's Elimination Challenge will be to create a dish that signifies the chefs' individual stamp on the city's cuisine. That's a bit vague, but I like the idea. Incorporating the city's style of cuisine into each chef's personal technique sounds challenging, but fascinating. Emeril and a bunch of Names will be hosting the final meal, and the winning chef will have their dish featured in all of Emeril's New Orleans restaurants. I can't decide if that's actually an impressive prize or not. I've been buying some of those Top Chef Healthy Choice meals (I'm trying to cut calories lately, and have to admit they're pretty tasty), and I remember that a lot of said meals were a prize for winning chefs. Except those chefs' names are nowhere on the packages. So while it'd be nice to have today's winner have their dish on several menus, it doesn't do the winner much good if the only name attached to it is Emeril's.

The only thing of note to happen during the shopping segment is that Nina buys enough ingredients to make two dishes. She's not sure what direction she'll be going in yet, and says she'll figure it out later. That night, the chefs sit in the kitchen at Emeril's restaurant while he pretends to direct service. Aw, that's not nice of me; I'm sure he still knows how to be a head chef. I just don't want us to pretend that's how he generally spends his days. The meal the chefs enjoy does look quite tasty. The next day, the chefs get started on their prep. Nina has decided to make little dumplings called malfatti to serve with her dish. Nicholas works on shrimp dumplings and butter-roasted bass. He pledges to not overcomplicate his dish this time. Shirley is braising some celery. Carlos has the most interesting idea, which is to make a tamale with seafood mousse instead of masa.

Plating. As the dishes go out to the dining room, Nina realizes that she has completely forgotten to put the malfatti on her plates. Ouch. This is not the time in the competition to be making mistakes like these. Fortunately for her, the judges still really enjoy her speckled trout with vegetables. Nicholas serves shrimp consommé with the shrimp dumplings, the bass, some charred cobia, and tuna confit with crispy rice. Not that any of that sounds bad (it actually sounds lovely), but remember that pledge a couple of minutes ago not to overcomplicate this thing? Apparently, Nicholas doesn't. Shirley has made seared black drum, with vinegar butter sauce, celery, and mushrooms. She has incorporated the New Orleans "holy trinity" (celery, onion, pepper) into her sauce, and the judges love it, saying it represents Chinese cuisine and New Orleans cuisine equally well. Carlos' seafood mousse tamale is served with saffron cream sauce and pickled okra. There is crab in the mousse, and shrimp and mussels on top. It sounds great to me, but the judges look very suspicious. They wonder why it wasn't served wrapped in a banana leaf to retain heat.

Judges' Table. All four chefs are called in. Nina is asked about the missing malfatti, and she explains that in the rush to get her dish ready for service, she simply forgot to get it on the plate. Normally, the judges would crawl up a contestant's ass for something like this, but Nina's dish was so great, they let it slide. I'm sensing a tiny bit of producer oversight here, because Nina doesn't get one-eighth the criticism someone else would, tasty dish or not. I'm not mad or anything, it's just...odd. Shirley's sauce completely bowled the judges over, and they can't find enough good things to say about it. Nicholas' dish was a big step up from what he's done lately, but he's still drawing some criticism for under-seasoning. Carlos' mousse was great, but the lack of a banana leaf meant the tamale was too cold. The winner of the challenge and the honor of having their idea co-opted by Emeril is... Shirley! See you in Maui, girl! Nina is also safe, so we're back to the West Side Story rivalry between Nicholas and Carlos. Who will survive to compete in Hawaii? Tom throws it over to Padma for the chop. Carlos. Please pack your knives and go. It seems like the correct choice, though it should be mentioned that Nicholas has staged more comebacks than Elvis by this point. He's disappointed, of course, but is looking forward to triumphing in Last Chance Kitchen. Speaking of which, we'll find out next week who will be returning for another shot at the title. It's time to bring this lumbering season down the home stretch. Au revoir, New Orleans!

Overall Grade: B

Smarm-to-Table

Top Chef - Season 11, Episode 14

Previously on Top Chef: Jacques Pepin tasked the chefs with emulating one of his signature dishes, but didn't mention that he generally gets more than thirty-five minutes to pull it off. Nicholas took the Quickfire win and immunity. AND IMMUNITY, I SAID. In the Elimination Challenge, the chefs split into French and Spanish teams, but nobody wedged themselves in the middle while waving the flag of Andorra. Nina led the Spanish team to a win, while Nicholas' poor dishes sank the French. His immunity shielded him from elimination, so the chop fell on poor Stephanie, instead. Five chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Quickfire. The chefs are joined in the Kitchen by Padma and guest judge Roy Choi. Roy helped kick off the food truck craze in Los Angeles with his innovative taco ideas. Innovative Taco Ideas will be the title of my autobiography, by the way. Putting a creative spin on tacos is understandable in L.A., but since we're in New Orleans, today's challenge will be to put a creative spin on something much more regionally appropriate: The Po'Boy Sandwich. Mmmm, I could go for one of those right now. Damned post-new-year diets. The chefs only have twenty minutes to throw something together, and unbelievably, immunity is still up for grabs. Seriously? Someone gets to coast into the final four on a twenty-minute sandwich? Whatever. Padma starts the clock.

Unsurprisingly, with such a tight time limit, the chefs immediately back into their comfort zones. Nina goes for an island feel, Shirley opts for Asian style, Carlos makes al pastor, and so on. When time runs out, Padma and Roy go down the line. Nicholas has a cornmeal-encrusted shrimp po'boy with spicy mayo, fennel, and pancetta. Shirley's Asian po'boy involves catfish in a soy/garlic glaze. Nina has fried Mahi Mahi with pickled onions. Brian makes a po'boy with lobster and gochujang aioli. It also involves pickled cabbage. Carlos has made an al pastor po'boy of marinated pork with chili, pineapple, onion, and roasted garlic. When it comes time for the final decision, Roy basically blasts all five chefs for being boring, uncreative, and too "chefy".

I can't taste the food, of course, so I have no idea if these sandwiches were truly disappointing or not. What I can tell you, though, is that this is not the first time a guest judge who considers themselves a creative genius is an arrogant douche about other people's efforts. I think there's a direct correlation between ego and criticism with some of these judges. It's not attractive. The worst of it is when Roy scoffs about Carlos' dish not being "real" al pastor. Sure, I'll go ahead and buy that from the South Korean American, rather than the Mexican chef from Mexico. Anyhow, though nobody impresses King Roy, the award for the least disastrous po'boy goes to... Shirley! Yay! I'm still a bit gobsmacked that someone just earned final four placement on what was deemed a boring sandwich, but I adore Shirley, so I'm fine with it.

Elimination Challenge. Actor/Director/Unfortunate Beard Haver Jon Favreau enters the Kitchen. His new film, Chef, is briefly described, and I've got to say, it looks pretty intriguing. He tells the contestants that for today's challenge, they'll have to make their dishes using only what can be found in dumpsters all around New Orleans. There's a beat before he tells them that he's totally kidding. Ha! Nice burn. Shirley, in particular, looked like she was about to have a massive coronary. The real Elimination Challenge will be to create a dish that represents a turning point in the chefs' careers. That's vague to the point of pointless. It's not a complaint; I like challenges where the chefs have a degree of freedom. It's just that they can basically make whatever they want and claim it figures into their past in a significant way. The chefs play fair, though, because you can actively see the wheels spinning in their brains. The meals will be presented at a restaurant that serves as a charity to teach culinary skills to at-risk youth. There's an idea I can get behind. I think everyone should work a service job for a couple of years when they're young - it teaches invaluable lessons.

Shopping. Nicholas buys a metric ton of carrots. In the prep kitchen, he sets up some pots, and snaps at Carlos when he moves them to another burner. So yeah, on the one hand, who cares which burner your pot is on as long as they're all functional? On the other, I can't fault Nicholas for not wanting Carlos to interact with his stuff in any way, shape, or form. Nina attempts to make stuffed pasta. She quickly runs into trouble when the heat of the kitchen ruins the dough. She scraps the filled-pasta idea, and goes for fettuccine instead. Brian is working with boneless, skinless chicken breast. Cue the needle scratch on the record. Boneless, skinless chicken breast may be a staple in most American home kitchens, thanks to its affordability, versatility, and health benefits. But to a chef, there's apparently nothing more flavorless or unwelcome. Nina treats Brian's use of it as if he were throwing together a dish made out of goat poop. Towards the end of prep time, Nicholas finds that his quinoa is burnt. It's totally ruined, so he won't be able to use it as the textural element he hoped. He doesn't know if he set the oven temperature incorrectly, or if someone (hint, hint) is sabotaging him. Come on, dude. Carlos is a bit thoughtless, but he's not manipulative or villainous. Sack up and take responsibility for your mistakes. Time runs out.

Service. Shirley has made crispy-skinned snapper with crustacean broth, tofu, and Napa cabbage with melted leek. Yuuuuum. She says that her dish is inspired by the "turning point" of her being on the show (and the Vietnamese shrimp challenge in particular). I'm happy to see that the servers are allowed to have a plate of all the chefs' dishes as well as the diners. Nina brings out her fettuccine with charred calamari, crab, and pine nut gremolata. Does everything sound so great today because the chefs are stepping it up, or because I'm so hungry? Brian has a chicken anticucho with twice-cooked potatoes and a feta walnut pesto. Emeril finds the potato severely undercooked, and the judges are as aghast as Nina was about the boneless, skinless chicken breast. Execute him! Carlos presents braised pork belly with sweet potato puree and a chipotle tamarind glaze. It looks pretty damned tasty. Nicholas brings out his carrots-a-million-ways dish, and explains his problem with the ruined quinoa. The judges agree that there's a real textural problem with the dish, but also that the fish is under-seasoned, which seems to be Nicholas' curse ever since Justin left.

Judges' Table. All five chefs are called in for feedback. Shirley's dish is roundly praised, and her sauces get better by the week. Carlos' dish was thought-out and bursting with flavor. Nina's dish was well-balanced, and the pasta came out perfect. The winner by a hair is... Shirley! Hooray! That leaves Brian and Nicholas in the bottom. Brian is excoriated for his protein choice, and I mean, come on, guys. We get it. Chicken skin is yummy. He didn't murder a prostitute. His underdone potatoes are also a big source of consternation. Nicholas should have just skipped serving fish altogether and focused on his carrots. The lack of quinoa hurt his plan, but not all of the blame for his misfire can be pinned on that. Tom throws it over to Padma for the chop. Brian. Please pack your knives and go. Brian is classy and mature in his final interview, but is visibly surprised by his ouster. Yeah, we thought Nicholas was going, too. I guess we can all take a lesson from this: Using skinless, boneless chicken breast is worse than fifteen Hiroshimas.

Overall Grade: C+