Baggage Handlers

Top Chef - Season 8, Episode 1

And...cue the crazy circus music. In an apparent quest to be on television year-round, a new season of Top Chef is already upon us. Ever heard of the phrase "Absence makes the heart grow fonder," Bravo? How can I miss you if you won't go away? Though I love Top Chef, I'm approaching this new season with a certain amount of trepidation, for a few reasons. As I mentioned, there's the fact that we've reached a point where there's barely a week of breathing room between seasons, and it's tough to work up excitement for something that's become so constant.

Secondly, Top Chef seems to have hit its peak, and has begun to coast. Naturally, that's just my opinion, and I'm more than willing to be proven wrong. And besides, it isn't the show's fault, necessarily. It happens to all reality shows. The format becomes stale. In an attempt to remain fresh, the challenges get stranger and less connected to anything that tests real-world skills. And each time around, the producers try to top the previous cast, so the contestants become even more zany/crazy/angry/stupid/delusional/whatever, and start to resemble a mental ward, rather than real people with real lives and real jobs. Chart The Amazing Race's contestants over time if you'd like to see this in action. Or hell, just look at Seth.

And finally, to admit another personal bias, I distrust All-Star seasons in general. Every one I've seen has been monumentally disappointing, and while there's always the chance you'll wind up mellowing on someone you used to hate, it's far more likely that you'll sour on someone you used to like. That's always sad.

All that said, it's still grand fun to go to the Top Chef viewing party, even with an annoying head cold that prevents the usual influx of wine. So, LabRat and I headed on over for a fun evening with friends, and I resolved to place the quality of the All-Star season low on my priority list. Imagine my surprise when this premiere episode not only didn't annoy me, but turned out to be immensely enjoyable. Who woulda thunk it? So, while I don't think I'll be able to give the episodes the full recap treatment, let's at least delve into the highlights. First things first, of course. We have to reacquaint ourselves with the returning chefs, and the impressions they last left us with:

Tiffani - Season 1: The aggressive villain of Season 1, I waffled back and forth on her, even at the time. There were times that I actively liked her. There were times that I actively hated her. There's no doubt she often grated on my nerves, but even with her often snide attitude, I always respected her talent. When Season 2 came along and wound up being nothing but jerks with snide attitudes, Tiffani climbed even higher in my estimation.

Stephen - Season 1: The passive-aggressive villain of Season 1, I didn't waffle nearly as much on him. He was a condescending jackass. So much so that he became the inspiration for the smarmerview. While he had strong talents in wine selection, service, and pissing people off, he's one of two chefs this season that I frankly don't believe deserve inclusion. His food was never anything to write home about.

Elia - Season 2: No better example of how someone can start off being a favorite and slide to someone you'd cheerfully elbow in the jaw can be found on reality television. She spots the next competitor on our list and "hopes he matured". Yeah. Because you were such a paragon of adulthood. Nice to see you've learned absolutely nothing in the time since your shitty season.

Marcel - Season 2: Now, here's where it gets tricky. Everyone hated Marcel. Everyone. All of the other contestants. Contestants from other seasons. The rest of the viewing party. And while I agreed with all of their complaints -- he's an asshole, he's self-satisfied, he has a stupid, hipster haircut -- I offer this small defense: There is no faster way to get me to defend someone than when the people attacking him are as bad or worse. Marcel was a total jerk. But he wasn't nearly as jerky as the goons, witches, and childish twats that tormented him. It remains to be seen if this defense can survive when Marcel is surrounded not by shit-starters and false accusations, but by actual talented chefs who conduct themselves like adults. Perhaps I'll join the haters club, after all.

Tre - Season 3: A talented competitor who managed to show confidence without being arrogant about it. He could certainly teach Kenny a lesson or two in how to comport oneself. Tre was eliminated earliest of all the All-Stars, falling victim to Restaurant Wars, which often cuts unexpected people for off-kilter reasons. I'm looking forward to seeing how he uses this second opportunity.

Dale L. - Season 3: An adorable guy who I really liked during his season, though he seemed to stumble into the finals. Once there, he made some standout dishes, but couldn't compete with Hung's technical skills. While others excelled at high-end cuisine, Dale knew how to elevate comfort food without losing the comfort.

Casey - Season 3: Here's a good example of people who need to be included in the All-Stars. Personable, talented chefs who quite simply shot themselves in the foot on one challenge. There are several of them sprinkled throughout the cast, and Casey was one of the best. We were convinced she was going to be the first female winner up until that fateful foot-shooting. Let's hope that even if her food hasn't changed, her ability to defend it has.

Richard - Season 4: Another foot-shooter. Richard dominated most of the season, winning challenge after challenge. His molecular gastronomy delighted judges and diners alike, but he choked in the finals, paving the way for Stephanie's win. He was a good egg the whole way, and I'm glad to see him back, though he looks like he's lost an alarming amount of weight.

Spike - Season 4: Welcome to the second of the two chefs who did not deserve to be asked back. What makes Spike an All-Star? The fact that he concentrated way more on game tactics than food? The fact that he appeared at Losers' Table in more than half of the episodes he competed in? The fact that he went out by mouthing off to the guest judge? Oh, it's probably that last one. He's total cannon fodder.

Antonia - Season 4: From the discussions I've had with other Top Chef fans, and from what I've read on the web, I seem to be the only one who's excited to have Antonia back. I loved her. I cheered madly when she won challenges, defended her against her detractors, and was thrown into a funk by her elimination. You've got at least one fan out here, girl! Go kick some ass!

Dale T. - Season 4: Even with Spike and Lisa around to serve as the jerkweeds of Season 4, this walking PSA about anger management managed to out-douche them both. Unpleasant even at the best of times, he was a gigantic tool from premiere to elimination. He didn't even deserve said elimination, but I rejoiced anyway, thrilled to be free of his terrible attitude and laughable belief in his own street cred.

Jamie - Season 5: The only member of Team Rainbow to survive for any appreciable amount of time, our viewing party likes to giggle about Jamie, both for her overconfidence (leading to inevitable disappointment) and for her dependence on scallops. We immediately devise a drinking game rule about taking a sip when she uses her little bivalve friends. Jamie didn't make a huge impression on me (either good or bad) her first time around, so in a sense, she's got the freshest start.

Fabio - Season 5: The Italian charmer was a big hit with all the ladies (and gentlemen who enjoy other gentlemen) at our viewing party, even if we could only understand every third word he said. He excelled at pasta, but I honestly don't remember much else about his food. He's really more memorable as a personality than a chef.

Carla - Season 5: Hootie! Definitely in the running as my favorite Top Chef contestant of all time. Kind, genuine, loveable, and talented, Carla is the only person on God's green Earth that I can hear "I put love into my food," from and believe it. She's another finale foot-shooter, and I dearly hope she puts on another strong showing.

Jenc - Season 6: Oof, I hadn't realized how distractingly alike she and Casey look. I enjoyed Jenc's ruthless efficiency, and had no problem with her status as one of Season 6's Golden Children. She was effortlessly competent towards the beginning of the season, but unfortunately, began to unravel with each passing challenge. Can she stay in it for the long haul this time?

Mike - Season 6: Clearly cast as the bad boy of his season, he stepped up to the plate by haranguing the well-intentioned old lady with cancer. Though there wasn't much to recommend him, attitude-wise, he did show an impressive range of cooking styles. Vegetarian food was not among them.

Angelo - Season 7: The serious chef who talked way too much about his heart and soul (as he does even now in his intro), he dominated a good portion of his season. Too bad it was the most boring season to date. He was felled by sickness in the finale, though it's unclear how much that factored into his loss.

Tiffany - Season 7: If some chefs are included because they shot themselves in the foot, Tiffany stands as an example of a chef who did nothing wrong, but lost on the details. She didn't stand out at the beginning of the season, but blossomed into a powerful competitor, and a highly entertaining one to boot. Would that she could have won, though any of the final five would have been better than Kevin.

All the chefs size each other up, and it's refreshing to hear so many of them say that they've got some stiff competition on their hands, rather than all of that "I'm gonna win every challenge!" bullshit we're usually treated to in the first episode. This season returns to the welcoming reality show bosom of New York City, and the chefs head to the Kitchen to meet Ptom and Padma and get started.

Quickfire Challenge. Padma explains that over the course of the season, $500,000 worth of cash and prizes will be handed out, with $200,000 of that going to the winner. First, there's the little niggling problem of having to beat seventeen other people. So, let's get to it. In the first Quickfire, the chefs will split into teams broken down by season, and they'll have to make a dish representative of the city in which the season was filmed. The entire winning team gets immunity, and Quickfire is even quicker than usual - only twenty-five minutes of prep. Ready? Go!

The Season 4 chefs have the most members, but after a lot of cross-talking, they settle on a Chicago-style hot dog. Angelo and Tiffany aim for Maryland-style crab spice and rockfish. The Season 5 folks decide to do a trio of apple dishes. Jamie is pleased with this idea, because she can focus on her own food, and the less she actually has to work with other people, the better. After all, as she says, she's a stronger chef than the other two. Yeah, so much stronger that they both pounded your ass into the ground during your actual season. She does realize that she's on tape, yes? The Season 3 chefs work on pork a la Miami. Lots of tropical fruit is involved. Elia and Marcel work on fish tacos with an apple wrapper to represent Los Angeles. Meh.

Stephen and Tiffani are making a cioppino (seafood stew) to represent San Francisco. I fucking love cioppino, but is it doable in under half an hour? Also, I should report that Stephen is wearing a suit and tie under his chef's coat. Jenc and Mike believe they can represent Las Vegas with Italian food. I guess Vegas can be represented by just about any food, but I wouldn't have picked Italian. With only a few minutes left, Angelo interviews that in the chaos, Stephen jostled him and caused him to drop all the rockfish on the floor. He hurriedly tries to get more cooked in time. Tre is having issues getting the pork done. Time runs out.

Ptom and Padma go down the line. Tiffani/Stephen have made a cioppino gazpacho with sourdough bread. Does that mean their cioppino is cold? I don't think I cotton to that. Elia/Marcel have shrimp "tacos" (which are really more like open-faced sandwiches) on guacamole in an apple wrapper. Tre/Dalel (Dale L)/Casey have done pork tenderloin on an avocado/lime puree, with tostones and mango/habanero sauce. Sounds good. Dalet (Dale T)/Richard/Spike/Antonia have made a deconstructed Chicago dog with pork and black pepper sausage, red bacon, and Richard's liquid-nitrogen-based mustard ice cream. Carla/Fabio/Jamie have their apple trio: Curried apple soup with gingered almonds, pasta with caramelized apple, and rib eye with apple slaw. Jenc/Mike have made bucatini with a bacon lobster carbonara. Well, I don't know how representative of Vegas it is, but it sure looks good. Tiffany/Angelo have managed to get some rockfish on the plate. It's surrounded by crab cake "essence" (which really just means they threw a shitton of Old Bay seasoning in), lemongrass, and jalapeno.

Results. Kicking off the bottom is Marcel/Elia, whose apple wrapper was too thin, and whose shrimp was bland. Next is Tiffani/Stephen, who had way too much raw garlic. Carla/Fabio/Jamie didn't have a cohesive dish, and only Jamie's soup was a real standout. Naturally, Jamie is pleased as punch to hear that. The stew that Tiffany/Angelo put out had a tiny bit too much salt. That leaves the other teams in the top. Tre/Dalel/Casey represented Miami well, and the pork had great flavors. Dalet/Richard/Spike/Antonia had an inventive plate. Jenc/Mike had outstanding pasta. The winning team with its precious immunity is... Dalet/Richard/Spike/Antonia. They exchange hugs and kisses while Mike sucks a lemon.

Elimination Challenge. The idea for this challenge is what really sealed this episode as a winner, so hats off to whoever came up with it. Servers enter, and place a cloche in front of each chef. They pull the lids off to reveal... Ingredients. But not just any ingredients! They are the ingredients to the dish that got each chef sent home. This evening's challenge will be to make the dish that caused an elimination, but to make it a success this time. The chefs are fortunately allowed a little creative interpretation, so they're not forced to remain true to every awful detail. They'll have three hours of prep now, and two hours on-site. The challenge's winner will not only have a warm feeling of correcting a past mistake, but they'll have $10,000 to go along with it. Oh, and Anthony Bourdain will be joining the Judges' Table regularly, so prepare yourselves for some acid. Either the criticism kind or the drug kind will do.

Prep time starts. A couple of chefs immediately set off on similar paths, which is to hide the worst thing about the original dish. Spike will mask his hideous frozen scallops with other ingredients, while Dalet will scale way back on that butterscotch, which he admits was a terrible idea in the first place. A couple of other chefs are not off to such promising starts, because they never saw anything wrong with their original creations. Fabio enjoyed his pasta with crawfish and crab stew, while Elia saw no issue with her red snapper steamed in ti leaves. She pledges to modify the dish as little as possible. Sure, why not cleave to the preparation that sent you packing? Sounds like a fine plan.

Stephen has a unique problem, in that he got kicked off for dicking around in the dining room instead of cooking, so he doesn't really have any experience with the three appetizer dishes he's tasked with making. Jamie got chopped for making Eric Ripert's black bass with braised celery that she hated then and hates now.

LabRat: "If I had been on this show, returning or not, I would have made it my mission to know the dish that sent me home backwards and forwards."

Angelo plugs away on his Singaporean noodles. Mike bemoans his ingredient limitations, because have I mentioned he's not great with vegetarian fare? Jenc vows not to overseason her dish. Carla took a lot of suggestions from Casey (who served as her finale sous chef) at the time, and while she doesn't lay any blame for her loss at Casey's feet, she's sticking to her own ideas this time around. The first chunk of prep time runs out.

Interstitial. Elia recounts the head-shaving incident. Sure, why wouldn't we want to relive the worst part of the worst season?

When the chefs arrive on-site to do their final two hours of prep, Ptom splits them into two groups of nine. The nine who aren't cooking will be eating in the dining room with the judges. Everyone is naturally jazzed to have the opportunity to size up each other's food. Group 2 tags out after Ptom, and Group 1 (Stephen, Elia, Richard, Dalet, Tiffany, Tiffani, Tre, Fabio, and Angelo) gets to cooking. Stephen seems way more pressed for time than the others, as he has to make a trio of dishes. Tiffani does her best to help him get plated in time, but it's a losing battle. Richard doesn't let petty little things like time limits get in his way, and continues plating his food well after the buzzer sounds. The other chefs are not pleased to witness this. The dishes go out to the dining room, and Gail says that this will be a trip down memory lane for better or for worse. "Hopefullyforbeeeetter," Padma singsongs. "I'm hoping better." Then she points to a plate. "I remember that dish!"

Viewing Party Tiffany: "She's already drunk."

There sure are a lot of Tiffanys (Tiffanies?) running around. What Group 2 doesn't realize is that a television has been brought into the kitchen, so Group 1 can witness what everyone is saying about their food. Elia chooses not to watch, because she can't bear to hear any criticism. She really hasn't changed a whit. The diners find a big ol' fish scale in her dish. Richard, Dalet, and Angelo get glowing reviews. Tre, Tiffany, and Tiffani's don't rank as highly, but they don't make out too badly. Stephen, on the other hand, did not do well. The diners find it swampy, muddled, and unappealing. Antonia offers some gentle criticism of Fabio's plate, but Bourdain isn't having any of that. "I hated the whole dish. I keep tasting it. I keep poking it. Just to make sure I actually hate it as much as I think I do. I really, really, really hate it." Ouch. Elia's doesn't fare much better. Dalel rips it to shreds, to the point that Antonia mutters to herself about how harsh he's being.

Time for the groups to switch places. Of course, these new diners know full well that they're being watched. Nothing noteworthy happens during Group 2's cooking prep. Group 1 gets seated in the dining room. Ptom sloshes his wine all over the table. Fabio tells Bourdain that the final tally of times he said he hated Fabio's food rounded out at eleven. Tiffani tries to cut the tension with a very apt comparison to an awkward Thanksgiving dinner, but Fabio isn't interested in making Bourdain comfortable. Time runs out in the kitchen, and the dishes are sent out. The television is brought in for Group 2, so now they know that Group 1 heard everything they said. Antonia braces herself for the onslaught of criticism.

The diners dig in. Antonia needn't have worried too much, because Richard and Tre love her sausage with cilantro, and roasted cherry blossoms with pea puree (DRINK!). Tiffany is not as big a fan. Spike's plan to hide the scallops doesn't fool anybody, but he pulled it off masterfully. Jamie and Mike skate by with good reviews, but Dalel's dumpling was not executed well. Carla did fine, though Angelo got a nasty bite of nerve ending in his steak. Gail heartily endorses Casey's pork belly, saying she really redeemed herself. Marcel's dish has uni (sea urchin) with a dot of caviar (or olive) on top, giving it the unfortunate effect of being a bowl of eyeballs staring up at you:

Tre hates the overpowering vanilla, and Fabio allows that it takes balls to put a dish like this out. Back in the kitchen, Marcel doesn't take this as anything but a grand compliment, which it may not have been. Jenc's duck is mildly disappointing. That's it for dinner, so it's time to find out who gets the dubious distinction of First One Out. The chefs trudge back to the fret 'n sweat, and begin the traditional process of dissecting everything about the challenge. Padma walks in, and summons Spike, Jamie, Richard, and Angelo to Judges' Table. The other chefs applaud mildly. Once the top four are out in the dining room, Ptom addresses Richard, saying that they want to acknowledge that he made a great dish, but his work after time ran out has disqualified him from the win. He was so focused on his work that he didn't even realize he had done it. What's done is done, though, and he's sent back to the Kitchen.

That leaves Spike, Jamie, and Angelo in the top three. Jamie's fish had a nice, crispy skin, and the celery turned out well. She admits that even with this triumph, she has absolutely no plans to serve this dish in future. Heh. Angelo made the wise decision to leave the watermelon tea off his plate this time. Spike successfully managed to hide the inferior flavor of his main component. The winner of the challenge, and the $10,000 is... Angelo. He's enormously pleased with his win, and unlike the last time he won the first challenge, realizes that he wasn't destined to get it, but had to beat out some stiff competition. He gets more mild applause back in the Kitchen. Dalet is displeased, because Richard's disqualification was "bullshit". Yeah, why bother with time limits? Let's just let people cook as long as they like. And hey, if there's something about the dish the judges don't like, why don't we let the chefs fix it and send out a second plate? And why declare a winner at all? Let's just watch these people pat each other on the back for three months.

Angelo delivers the bad news. The judges would like to see Fabio, Stephen, and Elia at Losers' Table. Odd Asian Music and Gong are back, though the gong is a lot more diminished than in seasons past. Once the chefs are lined up, the judges start with Stephen. He describes his unfamiliarity with the original platter, but the judges have a lot more technical issues with it than conceptual. The soup dumpling was monochromatic and had an unpleasant texture. The proportions of ingredients in all of the dishes were way off. Elia made absolutely no changes to the poor dish she put out way back when. Gail's portion of fish was almost raw, and Elia cops to not testing them.

Fabio points out that the issues the judges had were that his stew was too light (which is what he was going for), and the weirdness of the paper it was served in (which is a cosmetic issue, and has nothing to do with food). In fact, he calls out Bourdain directly, saying that while he has no issue with taking constructive criticism, he's not here to sit back and have people make fun of him. Ba-zing! That would have been awesome, even if he weren't entirely correct, which he is. The chefs are dismissed. On her way out, Elia tells the judges not to eliminate her, because she has a lot more to do. As long as it doesn't have to do with correcting her previous mistakes, listening to food criticism, or maturing in her attitude towards her competitors at all, I suppose.

Deliberations. Elia didn't make any of the necessary changes. Fabio's dish was indecisive. Not to my mind. Fabio's either. Stephen's proportions were wrong, and he had no method for improving a platter he had no hand in the first time around. The judges reach a decision.

Elimination. Rehashes of the same problems. Let's get right to the chop. Elia. Please pack your knives and go. Anything that wipes any remnant of Season 2 from our collective memory is fine by me. See ya! Well, I guess I should cover her final interview. She's upset, and says what everyone's thinking, which is that the first contestant eliminated wasted his/her time even participating. The other chefs offer hugs and applause, but Elia still walks away disappointed.

This season on Top Chef: You know the drill. Challenges. Cooking. "This isn't called Top Somethingorother!" Chaos. Paula fucking Deen (bleh). Muppets. A hospital visit. Fights. Angry Asian ladies. Jenc totally calls the judges on missing something. I'm telling you, if the chefs backtalk the judges every week, I'm automatically calling this the best season ever.

Overall Grade: B+