Facebook Fury and the Naan of Tears

Four Courses Podcast - Episode 1

Does it seem like I've fallen behind on getting the last episodes of Top Chef recapped? I have! Know why? Because I've been throwing all my spare time into launching a new venture! If you're a big food fan, I invite you to check out my new podcast, "Four Courses". We'll be exploring all sorts of food- and drink-related topics, from local eats to broader social trends. We just uploaded our first episode, which can be found at our website: FourCoursesPodcast.com

Stop by and give it a listen! Food is much more interesting to me as a conversation than as a presentation, so please feel free to leave a comment with food opinions, suggestions for future topics, and general feedback. I promise I'll get the Top Chef finale recap up relatively soon, but while you wait, why not join the Four Courses community, and let us know what you think?

Spam Alert

Top Chef - Season 11, Episode 16

Previously on Top Chef: Our time in New Orleans came to an end, but not before Carlos snagged a car, Nicholas snagged a Quickfire win, Shirley snagged an Elimination Challenge win, and Nina snagged... Well, some nice compliments and a spot in the finals. The final four was close, but ultimately, Carlos' lukewarm tamale sent him packing. Three chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

The chefs reunite with the judges (along with guest judge Sam Choy) at a luau in Maui. Sigh. What I wouldn't give to be bobbing in the Hawaiian waves right about now. Seriously, winter. We get it. Before the challenges begin, there's a little business to tend to. As you probably know, all of the eliminated chefs get a crack at returning to the competition by winning Last Chance Kitchen. I don't watch those challenges, though I generally kept up-to-date on who was clinging to the win. I'll have to delve into the "fairness" of LCK sometime; a lot could be said about someone getting to go to the finals by besting someone else in a glorified Quickfire.

In any event, the final two competitors in LCK were Louis and Carlos, and each of them made a dish for the final three to taste and vote on. Thankfully, it was a blind tasting, so we don't have to worry about any personality conflicts entering into the equation. The winner of the challenge, and the chef returning to the competition is... Louis! That's nice. I've always enjoyed him, though there's definitely a shallow component of that. I'm only human!

Quickfire. It's a deceptively simple one. Since we're in Hawaii, the Quickfire challenge today is to make a dish that incorporates and features Spam. Here's another small confession: I've never tasted Spam in my entire life. I keep meaning to buy some just to see what it's like, but keep forgetting or procrastinating. I've heard it's not too bad, so I'm not sure why I haven't followed through. I'll put it on my list of Food Resolutions. Immunity obviously is no longer up for grabs (or perhaps not-so-obviously, given how long they held onto it this season), but the winner does get a big ol' check for $10,000. There's incentive for you. Ready? Go!

Louis makes a torchon, and is under siege by the guests at the luau, who annoyingly pepper him with questions while he's trying to cook. Back off, bitches! Although, really...I can't blame them. Nina doesn't have to worry about groupies, and sets about making Spam croquettes with breadfruit, which is a wise incorporation of island ingredients. Shirley is making a sort of deconstructed musubi to approximate the fried rice dish she makes for her husband all the time. Nicholas, who has been criticized over and over for underseasoning his food, promises to aggressively salt his Spam broth with pancetta and ponzu.

When the dust settles, all four dishes are praised, though Louis could have featured the Spam flavor better, and Nicholas ONCE AGAIN has a seasoning issue. I'm thinking it's genetic at this point. He just has heightened salt receptors, which cause him to underseason everything. That or he's just terrible at this aspect of cooking, but that's cool. Who cares about seasoning level in their food? I'm being snarky because Nicholas actually wins the challenge and the money, and flunking Salt 101 should have disqualified him. I can understand people getting eliminated because they couldn't nail a technical aspect of their cooking in this atmosphere of intense competition and brutal time limits. But when someone is told over and over that they can't salt their food properly and sails into the finals? I don't get it.

Elimination Challenge. The judges point out the outrigger canoes that several Hawaiians are paddling to shore. The boats are laden with the ingredients available for the chefs to make a dish of their choosing. These ingredients are "canoe crops", which include the meats, fish, and plants that Polynesian settles sailed to Hawaii long ago. The chefs become markedly less interested in this fascinating history lesson when they're told that this will be a double elimination. Only two chefs will proceed to the final showdown. This leads to a panicked run for the boats, during which Shirley once again face plants. Grace is not her defining quality.

Prep. Nina accidentally butchers Nicholas' fish instead of her own. Where he'd be furious if Carlos had done that, he's mostly just bemused now, since Nina doesn't usually make these kinds of mistakes. They manage to work it out so Nina can go fight with a food processor and Nicholas can go fight with a pressure cooker. During the final stages of the outdoor prep, it begins to rain, which doesn't do wonders for the cooking process. The chefs grimly attempt to protect as much of the food as they can. A portion of Shirley's potatoes gets waterlogged, and has to be thrown out. Damn it. Time runs out, and the chefs present their dishes to the judges.

Louis has grilled opah with sweet potato, burnt onion, coconut, and seaweed, topped with coconut sauce. A lot of island flavors are great, and I ate well in Hawaii, but cripes, did I have to remain ever-vigilant that no coconut seeped into my meals there. Nina has opah as well, and serves it with marinated aromatics and grilled taro root. She also has coconut puree (arrrrrgh!) and a breadfruit chip. Nicholas has made opakapaka fish, with jalapenos and crispy chicken skin. The whole thing is on a pork jus and garnished with seaweed. That sounds delicious, and not just because he avoided coconut. Shirley serves honey-glazed pork, with a sweet potato/tumeric puree. It's garnished with boiled egg, chili, and pickled onion. Yes, please.

Fret 'n sweat. The meal is given general praise, but there are always things to nitpick. Louis' fish were cooked inconsistently. Nicholas' jalapenos may have taken over the flavor of his dish too much. Yeah, that's why I tend to not use them very much. Nina's fish was somewhat over-spiced, and Shirley's pork was way too sweet. These critiques are rehashed when the chefs come out to Judges' Table, and then it's time for the big chop. First, we must have a winner, and that winner is... Nicholas. Man, he has really been resurgent lately. The judges inform him that he'll have an advantage in the final challenge, but we'll leave that for another day. Who will be joining him in the finals? I dearly wish this could be more suspenseful, but we all know already, right? Who's been dominating this competition from Day One? Yes, it's Nina, so we must bid goodbye to Louis and Shirley, both of whom I really like, so this is a tough one.

Both of them are disappointed, of course, but needn't feel bad about sharing the news of their loss with their families, which both of them worry about. I never got a real sense of Louis' style of cooking, but I would eat at a Shirley restaurant in a heartbeat, and not having the winning title doesn't matter to me a bit. She is glad that cooking in these challenges has guided her to finally discovering her individual voice. Louis wishes he could have won for his son, and while the money would have been nice, I'm sure his kid loves his dad nonetheless. So, it's down to Nicholas and Nina! Who will win? Who will lose? Who will tell the producers of this show that I'd be more invested in the outcome if this season hadn't been dragging on for what seems like six years? Find out next week!

Overall Grade: B-

Gulf Shore Leave

Top Chef - Season 11, Episode 15

Previously on Top Chef: The King of the Food Truck stopped by to remind the peasants who rules the roost, and to intimate that he knows more about Mexican food preparation than Mexicans. I can't wait for him to come tell me I'm making my great-great-grandmother's matzo ball soup incorrectly. Shirley eked out a Quickfire win and immunity. In the Elimination Challenge, the chefs were tasked with creating a dish that represented a turning point in their career. Shirley picked up the double-win, while Brian found a new turning point in his career: The time that using boneless, skinless chicken breast got him chopped. Four chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Quickfire. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma, Tom, and Gail. We haven't had enough Gail this season. Immunity is finally not being offered any longer, but the winner does get a prize. It turns out to be another car, so if Shirley wins, she can practically start her own rental service. The Quickfire will be judged in two parts today. Gail explains that for the first part, the chefs are to make a single-bite dish (to be served on a cocktail fork) that incorporates something sweet, salty, spicy, and textured. Sounds tough. When the clock starts, the chefs immediately leap into hysterical prep. Nicholas tries to start some tiff with Shirley about the temperature the fryer is set to, but she has no time for his sack of bullshit.

When the dust settles, the judges go down the line. Carlos has grilled some mango and shrimp, and serves it with a spicy chili glaze. Sounds good. Nicholas serves beef deckle with balsamic vinegar and potato chips that are a vibrant shade of purple. There's also a cayenne yogurt. Shirley has flank steak with crispy onions and black pepper cherry. The cocktail fork is her undoing, and a good portion of the bite falls over before Gail can eat it. Nina serves shrimp escabeche with a potato aioli and pickled shallots. Only two of the four chefs will move on to the second round, and those two are... Nicholas and Carlos. Ooh, this is shaping up to be a little West Side Story kind of face-off. You know, without the murder.

In the second round, the finalists will cook something using bell pepper or eggplant. The trick is, one chef must use pepper, and one must use eggplant. So whoever gets to the ingredients first gets to select their veggie of choice. Nicholas smokes Carlos in the footrace, and snags the eggplant, much to Carlos' disappointment. I wouldn't be sad to get bell pepper; it's the most versatile vegetable I know. Anyhow, Nicholas winds up making roasted eggplant with sesame seeds, Sriracha, and chili threads. Maybe it's just because I'm obsessed with Sriracha right now, but that looks incredible. Carlos makes fried pepper soup with fennel, basil, and onion. As much as I am into Sriracha right now, that's how much I'm over fennel. Ease up, people. The winner of the challenge and the car is... Carlos! Nicholas takes a moment to sad-sack into the camera about how he's the only person left who hasn't won a prize. Sorry, man. Maybe you can take comfort in the fact that your career is getting a shortcut to fame by appearing on this show? Kthxbai.

Elimination Challenge. Emeril enters to explain that this will be the last challenge in New Orleans before the final three move on to the finale in Maui. A year ago on this exact date, I was kicking back on a Maui beach. I'll try to remember that as I trudge home through the six inches of predicted snow tonight. In order to say goodbye to the Big Easy in style, today's Elimination Challenge will be to create a dish that signifies the chefs' individual stamp on the city's cuisine. That's a bit vague, but I like the idea. Incorporating the city's style of cuisine into each chef's personal technique sounds challenging, but fascinating. Emeril and a bunch of Names will be hosting the final meal, and the winning chef will have their dish featured in all of Emeril's New Orleans restaurants. I can't decide if that's actually an impressive prize or not. I've been buying some of those Top Chef Healthy Choice meals (I'm trying to cut calories lately, and have to admit they're pretty tasty), and I remember that a lot of said meals were a prize for winning chefs. Except those chefs' names are nowhere on the packages. So while it'd be nice to have today's winner have their dish on several menus, it doesn't do the winner much good if the only name attached to it is Emeril's.

The only thing of note to happen during the shopping segment is that Nina buys enough ingredients to make two dishes. She's not sure what direction she'll be going in yet, and says she'll figure it out later. That night, the chefs sit in the kitchen at Emeril's restaurant while he pretends to direct service. Aw, that's not nice of me; I'm sure he still knows how to be a head chef. I just don't want us to pretend that's how he generally spends his days. The meal the chefs enjoy does look quite tasty. The next day, the chefs get started on their prep. Nina has decided to make little dumplings called malfatti to serve with her dish. Nicholas works on shrimp dumplings and butter-roasted bass. He pledges to not overcomplicate his dish this time. Shirley is braising some celery. Carlos has the most interesting idea, which is to make a tamale with seafood mousse instead of masa.

Plating. As the dishes go out to the dining room, Nina realizes that she has completely forgotten to put the malfatti on her plates. Ouch. This is not the time in the competition to be making mistakes like these. Fortunately for her, the judges still really enjoy her speckled trout with vegetables. Nicholas serves shrimp consommé with the shrimp dumplings, the bass, some charred cobia, and tuna confit with crispy rice. Not that any of that sounds bad (it actually sounds lovely), but remember that pledge a couple of minutes ago not to overcomplicate this thing? Apparently, Nicholas doesn't. Shirley has made seared black drum, with vinegar butter sauce, celery, and mushrooms. She has incorporated the New Orleans "holy trinity" (celery, onion, pepper) into her sauce, and the judges love it, saying it represents Chinese cuisine and New Orleans cuisine equally well. Carlos' seafood mousse tamale is served with saffron cream sauce and pickled okra. There is crab in the mousse, and shrimp and mussels on top. It sounds great to me, but the judges look very suspicious. They wonder why it wasn't served wrapped in a banana leaf to retain heat.

Judges' Table. All four chefs are called in. Nina is asked about the missing malfatti, and she explains that in the rush to get her dish ready for service, she simply forgot to get it on the plate. Normally, the judges would crawl up a contestant's ass for something like this, but Nina's dish was so great, they let it slide. I'm sensing a tiny bit of producer oversight here, because Nina doesn't get one-eighth the criticism someone else would, tasty dish or not. I'm not mad or anything, it's just...odd. Shirley's sauce completely bowled the judges over, and they can't find enough good things to say about it. Nicholas' dish was a big step up from what he's done lately, but he's still drawing some criticism for under-seasoning. Carlos' mousse was great, but the lack of a banana leaf meant the tamale was too cold. The winner of the challenge and the honor of having their idea co-opted by Emeril is... Shirley! See you in Maui, girl! Nina is also safe, so we're back to the West Side Story rivalry between Nicholas and Carlos. Who will survive to compete in Hawaii? Tom throws it over to Padma for the chop. Carlos. Please pack your knives and go. It seems like the correct choice, though it should be mentioned that Nicholas has staged more comebacks than Elvis by this point. He's disappointed, of course, but is looking forward to triumphing in Last Chance Kitchen. Speaking of which, we'll find out next week who will be returning for another shot at the title. It's time to bring this lumbering season down the home stretch. Au revoir, New Orleans!

Overall Grade: B

Smarm-to-Table

Top Chef - Season 11, Episode 14

Previously on Top Chef: Jacques Pepin tasked the chefs with emulating one of his signature dishes, but didn't mention that he generally gets more than thirty-five minutes to pull it off. Nicholas took the Quickfire win and immunity. AND IMMUNITY, I SAID. In the Elimination Challenge, the chefs split into French and Spanish teams, but nobody wedged themselves in the middle while waving the flag of Andorra. Nina led the Spanish team to a win, while Nicholas' poor dishes sank the French. His immunity shielded him from elimination, so the chop fell on poor Stephanie, instead. Five chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Quickfire. The chefs are joined in the Kitchen by Padma and guest judge Roy Choi. Roy helped kick off the food truck craze in Los Angeles with his innovative taco ideas. Innovative Taco Ideas will be the title of my autobiography, by the way. Putting a creative spin on tacos is understandable in L.A., but since we're in New Orleans, today's challenge will be to put a creative spin on something much more regionally appropriate: The Po'Boy Sandwich. Mmmm, I could go for one of those right now. Damned post-new-year diets. The chefs only have twenty minutes to throw something together, and unbelievably, immunity is still up for grabs. Seriously? Someone gets to coast into the final four on a twenty-minute sandwich? Whatever. Padma starts the clock.

Unsurprisingly, with such a tight time limit, the chefs immediately back into their comfort zones. Nina goes for an island feel, Shirley opts for Asian style, Carlos makes al pastor, and so on. When time runs out, Padma and Roy go down the line. Nicholas has a cornmeal-encrusted shrimp po'boy with spicy mayo, fennel, and pancetta. Shirley's Asian po'boy involves catfish in a soy/garlic glaze. Nina has fried Mahi Mahi with pickled onions. Brian makes a po'boy with lobster and gochujang aioli. It also involves pickled cabbage. Carlos has made an al pastor po'boy of marinated pork with chili, pineapple, onion, and roasted garlic. When it comes time for the final decision, Roy basically blasts all five chefs for being boring, uncreative, and too "chefy".

I can't taste the food, of course, so I have no idea if these sandwiches were truly disappointing or not. What I can tell you, though, is that this is not the first time a guest judge who considers themselves a creative genius is an arrogant douche about other people's efforts. I think there's a direct correlation between ego and criticism with some of these judges. It's not attractive. The worst of it is when Roy scoffs about Carlos' dish not being "real" al pastor. Sure, I'll go ahead and buy that from the South Korean American, rather than the Mexican chef from Mexico. Anyhow, though nobody impresses King Roy, the award for the least disastrous po'boy goes to... Shirley! Yay! I'm still a bit gobsmacked that someone just earned final four placement on what was deemed a boring sandwich, but I adore Shirley, so I'm fine with it.

Elimination Challenge. Actor/Director/Unfortunate Beard Haver Jon Favreau enters the Kitchen. His new film, Chef, is briefly described, and I've got to say, it looks pretty intriguing. He tells the contestants that for today's challenge, they'll have to make their dishes using only what can be found in dumpsters all around New Orleans. There's a beat before he tells them that he's totally kidding. Ha! Nice burn. Shirley, in particular, looked like she was about to have a massive coronary. The real Elimination Challenge will be to create a dish that represents a turning point in the chefs' careers. That's vague to the point of pointless. It's not a complaint; I like challenges where the chefs have a degree of freedom. It's just that they can basically make whatever they want and claim it figures into their past in a significant way. The chefs play fair, though, because you can actively see the wheels spinning in their brains. The meals will be presented at a restaurant that serves as a charity to teach culinary skills to at-risk youth. There's an idea I can get behind. I think everyone should work a service job for a couple of years when they're young - it teaches invaluable lessons.

Shopping. Nicholas buys a metric ton of carrots. In the prep kitchen, he sets up some pots, and snaps at Carlos when he moves them to another burner. So yeah, on the one hand, who cares which burner your pot is on as long as they're all functional? On the other, I can't fault Nicholas for not wanting Carlos to interact with his stuff in any way, shape, or form. Nina attempts to make stuffed pasta. She quickly runs into trouble when the heat of the kitchen ruins the dough. She scraps the filled-pasta idea, and goes for fettuccine instead. Brian is working with boneless, skinless chicken breast. Cue the needle scratch on the record. Boneless, skinless chicken breast may be a staple in most American home kitchens, thanks to its affordability, versatility, and health benefits. But to a chef, there's apparently nothing more flavorless or unwelcome. Nina treats Brian's use of it as if he were throwing together a dish made out of goat poop. Towards the end of prep time, Nicholas finds that his quinoa is burnt. It's totally ruined, so he won't be able to use it as the textural element he hoped. He doesn't know if he set the oven temperature incorrectly, or if someone (hint, hint) is sabotaging him. Come on, dude. Carlos is a bit thoughtless, but he's not manipulative or villainous. Sack up and take responsibility for your mistakes. Time runs out.

Service. Shirley has made crispy-skinned snapper with crustacean broth, tofu, and Napa cabbage with melted leek. Yuuuuum. She says that her dish is inspired by the "turning point" of her being on the show (and the Vietnamese shrimp challenge in particular). I'm happy to see that the servers are allowed to have a plate of all the chefs' dishes as well as the diners. Nina brings out her fettuccine with charred calamari, crab, and pine nut gremolata. Does everything sound so great today because the chefs are stepping it up, or because I'm so hungry? Brian has a chicken anticucho with twice-cooked potatoes and a feta walnut pesto. Emeril finds the potato severely undercooked, and the judges are as aghast as Nina was about the boneless, skinless chicken breast. Execute him! Carlos presents braised pork belly with sweet potato puree and a chipotle tamarind glaze. It looks pretty damned tasty. Nicholas brings out his carrots-a-million-ways dish, and explains his problem with the ruined quinoa. The judges agree that there's a real textural problem with the dish, but also that the fish is under-seasoned, which seems to be Nicholas' curse ever since Justin left.

Judges' Table. All five chefs are called in for feedback. Shirley's dish is roundly praised, and her sauces get better by the week. Carlos' dish was thought-out and bursting with flavor. Nina's dish was well-balanced, and the pasta came out perfect. The winner by a hair is... Shirley! Hooray! That leaves Brian and Nicholas in the bottom. Brian is excoriated for his protein choice, and I mean, come on, guys. We get it. Chicken skin is yummy. He didn't murder a prostitute. His underdone potatoes are also a big source of consternation. Nicholas should have just skipped serving fish altogether and focused on his carrots. The lack of quinoa hurt his plan, but not all of the blame for his misfire can be pinned on that. Tom throws it over to Padma for the chop. Brian. Please pack your knives and go. Brian is classy and mature in his final interview, but is visibly surprised by his ouster. Yeah, we thought Nicholas was going, too. I guess we can all take a lesson from this: Using skinless, boneless chicken breast is worse than fifteen Hiroshimas.

Overall Grade: C+

European Union

Top Chef - Season 11, Episode 13

Previously on Top Chef: The contestants were told to étouffée off with a swarm of crawfish. A few poor creatures lost their lives for no purpose, as some of the chefs couldn't quite grasp the concept. Stephanie literally couldn't grasp it, for fear of anaphylactic shock. Shirley grasped everything just fine, pulling down immunity with another challenge win. In the Elimination Challenge, the chefs were tasked with highlighting seafood. Nicholas gave Carlos a shot at personality redemption, which Carlos proceeded to flush almost instantly. Stephanie's fried oysters carried the day, while Carrie got fried. Six chefs remain. Who will eliminated tonight?

Quickfire. As the chefs head to the Kitchen, we learn that Carlos probably won't be invited to many of Nicholas' birthday parties from here on out. After the oven incident and the knife incident, Nicholas is pretty much at the end of his rope. Anyhow, for today's Quickfire, the chefs are met by Padma and guest judge Jacques Pepin. The chefs are appropriately awed by him, and even more so when he effortlessly demonstrates how to make one of his signature dishes: Dover sole with artichoke and tomato. Once he's done, he informs the chefs that they how have thirty-five minutes to recreate the dish as best they can. Ready? Go!

Some chefs are in a better position than others. Nicholas and Shirley have classical French training, and are a lot stronger out of the gate than Carlos, who is self-taught. Still, being able to execute someone else's vision and the ability to recreate the same dish over and over are important skills for a chef to have, so I always like to see this type of challenge. Thirty-five minutes is not long, though, and when time is up, a lot of the chefs' plates are lacking. Nina managed to get her fish cooked, but wasn't able to fully compose the plate. Brian couldn't even get sauce on the plate, and the whole thing looks like a giant mess. Carlos and Stephanie got more tasks accomplished, but fall victim to complaints like watery sauce and undercooked fish. Nicholas and Shirley duke it out for the win, which goes to... Nicholas, who takes his first Quickfire. Surprisingly, the chefs are still receiving immunity for Quickfire wins. Normally, it's a distant memory by now.

Elimination Challenge. So, New Orleans has belonged to quite a few people over the years. Before it became the shining jewel of America, the Crescent City was ruled by both France and Spain, and what better way to honor that rich history than with a reality show challenge? Sorry, I'm a bit punchy tonight. Anyhow, tonight's Elimination Challenge will split the six chefs into two competing teams. One team will present a French meal, and one a Spanish meal. Each meal will be five courses, and must incorporate almonds, chicken, mussels, olives, and chocolate. The chefs won't be on their own, though. Each team gets an accomplished mentor; Dominique Crenn for the French team, and Julian Serrano for the Spanish team. The chefs draw knives to determine which team they'll be on:

France: Shirley, Stephanie, and Nicholas
Spain: Nina, Brian, and Carlos

The mentors get to spend all day with the chefs before service begins, and unlike past mentor challenges, Crenn and Serrano get massive input into the menus being prepared. On the French side, this means Nicholas happily implementing all of Crenn's intricate technique suggestions and delegating tasks to the others, while on the Spanish side, Serrano is more interested in keeping things simple. That simplicity doesn't mean he's easy-going, though. He micromanages every slice and dash of seasoning, while Crenn prefers to kick back with a glass of wine. There's something telling about nationality in that, I'm sure. Stephanie becomes increasingly nervous, because all of this classical French cooking is completely out of her comfort zone, and she has to rely on Nicholas and Crenn to direct her dish.

The next day, the chefs prep their final dishes for the judges. Shirley is making ice cream with liquid nitrogen, which she's never worked with before. She hopes to not set a Top Chef precedent by becoming the first contestant to lose a chunk of her ear. Hehe. Nina has some last-minute cold feet about the simplicity of her dish, though she's confident in its flavors. The French team is working on a delicate "nest" of corn silk that is meant to dissolve on the tongue, or something. It's becoming readily apparent that this battle is going to come down to traditional vs. modern cuisine. Let's see what the judges are in the mood for. Crenn and Serrano join the judges, of course, as does Jacques Pepin and executive chef John Folse. Tough room. Dinner time!

The French team presents:
-Snapper ceviche with dehydrated olives and olive oil ice cream (Shirley)
-Pickled mussels with crustacean jus and toasted ciabatta (Stephanie)
-Chicken liver mousse on a bullion of roasted chicken (Stephanie/Shirley)
-Cornish game hen in a chocolate sauce, the aforementioned corn silk nest, and eggs made with duck fat (Nicholas)
-Almond flan with shaved plum dark chocolate, served with licorice (Nicholas)

The mussels look absolutely incredible, and I'm always up for a good chicken liver dish. The flan sounds good, too, though I'm not a huge licorice fan.

The Spanish team presents:
-Russian potato salad with shrimp, carrots, potatoes and olives (Nina)
-White garlic soup with almonds, crab, and cherry (Nina)
-Mussels in Romesco with crispy leeks (Carlos)
-Chicken and saffron rice (Brian/Carlos)
-Chocolate flan with raspberries (Brian)

They weren't kidding about the traditional style of these dishes. Nina's potato salad looks straight out of a 1952 issue of Good Housekeeping. That said, everything seems pretty tasty.

Naturally, the mentors each pull for the team they assisted. It actually gets a bit testy at one point. The judges have other issues as well, in that both their favorite and least favorite dishes were presented by the same team. They really loved the consommé in the chicken liver dish, but hated the chocolate game hen. Tom compares the corn silk nest to a wad of hair you'd pull out of the tub drain. And...he kind of has a point. There is no fret 'n sweat in front of the screen this week, I guess because it would instantly give away too much information to the chefs.

Judges' Table. The Spanish team is called in first. After a moment of tension, it's announced that they are the winning team. When it comes to deciding the individual winner, there's no difficulty whatsoever. While Carlos and Brian both bought assets to the menu, it's Nina's dishes that really carried the day, and she wins her umpteenth challenge. All she gets is the duty to call in the French team for judgement. This is where it really gets interesting. Shirley and Stephanie's dishes were both good. Great, even. Shirley's ice cream wasn't a homerun, but her ceviche and consommé were outstanding. Not all of Stephanie's components worked, but her mussels were fantastic.

It's Nicholas that has brought the team down. His chocolate game hen was the worst dish of the day, and his flan wasn't much better. But as we all know, he has immunity from the Quickfire win, so what now? Well, there are a couple of options, and the judges lay out the big one bluntly. Nicholas is free to resign so his teammates aren't punished for his mistakes. The judges won't and can't make him, of course, but they make it plain that it's what they want. Still, this isn't so much a cooking competition as a game. A game has twists and rules, and one of those rules involves immunity. Isn't the whole point of it to shield you from just this situation? Nicholas certainly thinks so, telling the judges that he thinks he's cooked well enough to have earned that immunity, and won't be giving it up.

People in some quarters are very angry about this. To them, Nicholas is a sneak and a coward for doing this. They believe he should have nobly fallen on his sword to protect Stephanie and Shirley from elimination. I'd admire him for taking that course, but I can't be angry at him for not. If this were some other sort of situation, sure. But in Top Chef, the chef who made the biggest mistake not going home has happened multiple times. Being good at solving hangman-style puzzles won't help you if you keep landing on "BANKRUPT" on Wheel of Fortune. Knowing the answers doesn't help if you can't ring in first on Jeopardy!. If the dice aren't on your side, you'll lose your shirt in Monopoly. And on Top Chef, if you're on a losing team with a chef that has immunity, you'll get the chop, no matter how talented you are. It's just the nature of the game, and if there's a problem, then it's up to the judges and producers to address the rules, not Nicholas. As far as I'm concerned, he's perfectly entitled to stay, though I'll be disappointed when one of his teammates, both of whom I like very much, gets eliminated.

In this case, that elimination falls on Stephanie. Bummer. There are always certain dishes that make me want to the climb through the TV screen and grab them, and while there are other contestants I may enjoy more and other contestants that may have more raw talent, Stephanie had the highest percentage of those drool-worthy dishes. She's very proud of the work and growth she achieved while on the show, and hopes to come roaring back in Last Chance Kitchen. Really, if you're going to be eliminated, I suppose the best way to go out is with a dish the judges liked. No mistakes to regret; no second-guessing what you should have done differently. It's just the way the cookie crumbles, and in this case, those crumbs made a big mess.

Overall Grade: B-

She Shucks Shellfish by the Shoreline

Top Chef - Season 11, Episode 12

Previously on Top Chef: A drumline brought us a drumstick Quickfire. Carrie got down with her bad self, then got back up and won immunity. In the Elimination Challenge, the chefs got carted off to college, but instead of playing frisbee golf on the quad, they were forced to serve their food to 500 students simultaneously. Carlos offhandedly implicated Nicholas in an oven-stealing scandal, which raised Nicholas' fury level from zero to nonplussed. Shirley continued her streak of winning when it matters most, scoring a car with nothing more than some Grade-A roast beef. Justin stumbled for the last time, and no amount of self-confidence could save him when his bland plate of flavorless shrimp got him expelled. Seven chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Quickfire. The chefs are welcomed into the Kitchen by Padma, guest judge John Besh, and a bucket of live crawfish who are all making desperate bids for freedom. Seriously, it's like a scene in a horror movie, with oceanic cockroaches swarming all over everything. Today's challenge is for each chef to create their own version of an étouffée. I enjoy a good étouffée, but haven't had one in a while. It's a stew made up of a slow-cooked roux and something like andouille (or crawfish in this case) that smothers rice (traditionally), though I presume the chefs are free to do whatever they'd like for now. Winner gets immunity. Ready? Go!

We learn that Stephanie has a violent allergic reaction to particular types of shellfish, so she can't even touch the crawfish. As someone with a misery-inducing allergy to scallops, I empathize. Carrie graciously offers to prep the critters for Stephanie, and Nicholas promises to taste her dish to offer seasoning adjustment advice. Carlos interviews that he's never heard of étouffée, so he's making some bullshit shrimp soup. Um, I believe Carlos may have heard of étouffée once before. Like thirty seconds ago. Dishes begin to come together. Standouts include Shirley's crab étouffée, which uses crawfish stock, and includes cucumber and egg, and Brian's Korean chili paste étouffée with corn, crab meat, crawfish, peppers, and andouille. Yuuuuuum to both of those. Stephanie makes gnocchi, because if someone on this season doesn't make it every twenty minutes, a penguin is executed.

Time runs out. Padma and Besh go down the line. Carrie falls to the bottom with muddled flavors, Nicholas and Carlos didn't sufficiently smother anything, and Stephanie's dish is more of a bisque. That leaves Shirley, Brian, and Nina's spicy Italian-style étouffée (with pasta in a tomato crawfish broth) as the top three. The winner of the challenge and immunity is... Shirley! Yay! I don't know if she's got it in her to win the season, but I'd like to see her go as far as possible.

Elimination Challenge. Padma explains that the chefs will be making dishes that highlight two different kinds of seafood for a shore-side festival at which there will be...1,000 guests. Various chefs have heart attacks before Padma giggles that she's just joshing them, and there will only be 200. Heh. Solid burn, Padma. Before the challenge starts, the guests get to have dinner at Besh's house, which looks lovely.

The next day, the chefs ride to the challenge. Upon hearing that Carlos plans to make a crudo, Brian asks him if he made sure to sharpen his knives to get a consistent cut. Carlos assures him that he has. There's isn't a shot of a vulture circling overhead, but there may as well be. When the chefs arrive at the festival site, they pick their duo of seafood out of a giant truck. The tuna, oysters, and shrimp are snapped up, though I see a lot of people selecting amberjack as well. I don't believe I've ever tried that fish; I'm curious to know how it tastes. As Nicholas shucks oysters, Carlos asks to borrow his sushi knife, because wait for it, his knife isn't sharp enough to get even cuts. At first, Nicholas hardly feels like doing Carlos any favors, and says no. He can't force himself to be a vindictive guy for long, though, and relents. He does plead with Carlos to treat the knife with respect, as it's a special one he got as a wedding present. I hope he and missus were careful unwrapping that one. Carlos is still short on time, and winds up cutting his fish portions in half in order to have enough for all the guests.

Service. A long line immediately piles up at Stephanie's station, because she is frying oysters to order, as well as topping them with some elaborate garnish. The guests are less than gracious about it, like, just drink your free wine and enjoy your free gourmet food and shut the hell up, jerks. Her secondary seafood is raw tuna, and the whole dish is served with pickled chili and mushrooms. Hmm. I've long maintained that I don't like mushrooms, but I do like anything pickled. It'd be interesting to see which side would win out in this case. Brian has made a grilled swordfish, which looks good until he piles fennel relish on top. Nicholas' dish is a bit too frou-frou, and looks like green oyster parfait. Carlos has an amberjack ceviche, and he learned his smothering lesson too late, as the whole thing is buried in peaches. Nina has marinated wahoo tuna (another fish I've never tried) with some salsa verde and pickled vegetables. Carrie has shredded her flounder and oyster emulsion into croquettes with pickled cucumber. That sounds good, but she rightfully worries that she hasn't highlighted the seafood, which is the entire point of the challenge. Shirley has made a ceviche with amberjack and tuna. Her accompanying components (aged soya sauce, lime dressing, toasted pecans, and crispy fried shallots) have me clawing at the screen to get some.

When service is over, Nicholas goes looking for the Knife That Solidified a Marriage, and finds it, covered in crusty bits of dried fish. The show would like you to think this is akin to Carlos casually tossing it into a vat of sulfuric acid. Nicholas is pissed that Carlos treated the knife he loaned him as a favor so cavalierly, especially after the bullshit Carlos pulled in the last challenge. Nicholas is close to the boiling point. Hey, I'm on your side, man. Carlos definitely should have treated the knife more respectfully. But let's just bring the horrors perpetrated on the innocent cutting implement down a few notches.

Fret 'n sweat. Besh thinks the ceviches were too much of a "safe" choice, but that didn't stop the judges from liking Shirley's quite a bit. Stephanie, Nina, and Brian also get some nice praise for their dishes. On the flip side, Carlos' peach/shrimp topping was nice, but completely overwhelmed the fish. Nicholas' dish was overly ambitious. Carrie's croquettes could have been made out of anything, and didn't feature the fish in any way, shape, or form. So we know the bottom three and the top four. The only question is, who's going to occupy the safe middle spot this week? It's Shirley, so Nina, Brian, and Stephanie go to Judges' Table to see who will pull down the win. Stephanie's fried oyster was perfectly elevated by the salad, and nobody even gives her shit for the time it took her to execute them. Brian's sauce was amazing, and Nina gets credit for using wahoo in a creative and delicious way. The chef who highlight their seafood the best is... Stephanie. I don't doubt it; a good fried oyster is about the best thing in the world.

Carlos, Nicholas, and Carrie come out to face the music. Carlos' fish portions were way too small and nobody could taste it under all that peach. Nicholas' dish was too soft and lacked acid. Carrie completely whiffed the point of the challenge, and didn't feature her fish at all. It's actually Carrie's first appearance in the bottom three tonight, but she makes it count, as Padma tells her to pack her knives and go. It was a rough one for the judges, and Padma makes sure to say how much Carrie will be missed in the competition. Carrie is sad, of course, but takes her loss with grace. She has enjoyed every step of the competition, and is proud of how much she learned. Damn. It's getting down to the wire, now. I'm sorry to see Carrie go, but after that episode, I'm even sorrier that I don't have any fish in the place. Me want oyster.

Overall Grade: B

Meal Plans

Top Chef - Season 11, Episode 11

Previously on Top Chef: The chefs started their day with an invigorating cup of coffee, as everyone should. Shirley won the challenge, immunity, money, and a summer free of pit stains. In the Elimination Challenge, the chefs cooked the food that reminds them of home. Nicholas threw his heart, soul, and tears into his gnocchi - literally, in the case of the latter. It paid off, and he won the challenge. On the losing end, what apparently reminds Travis of home (other than homophobia) is undercooked biscuits. Eight chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Quickfire. New Orleans has certainly offered the largest range of guest judges, and we continue that streak with Questlove, who joins Padma to explain this week's challenge. But first, a drumline busts in and does a march around the Kitchen. They sound pretty awesome, and Carrie grooves in the background. A drumline means drumsticks, and drumsticks mean...drumstick challenge! Oh, nice. Breasts get all the attention (and not just in human ladies), but I'm often happy to snag the legs out of a mixed chicken bucket. It's not just chicken on offer. The chefs can choose from a variety of poultry, from turkey to duck to squab.

The hitch is that it's first-come, first-serve, so when Padma gives the go-ahead, the chefs rush the table like it's Black Friday. And just like it's that hallowed, idiotic tradition, someone nearly gets trampled. Shirley falls, and when Nicholas goes to help her up, she helps herself to the duck legs he was going to take. Ha! Whoops. Well, at least that's the last of the indignities Nicholas will suffer at the hands of his competitors today, right? Right?!? Thirty minutes later, it's time for a drumstick feast.

Padma and Questlove go down the line. Dishes of note include Carrie's squab, which sounds a little odd (they were marinated in thyme, juniper, and cocoa powder and served with a fig mostarda), but looks good. Carlos has hacked his drumsticks to the bone, and shards of it wind up in the food. Bleh. Nina has jerked guinea hen, and has used Scotch Bonnet peppers. Ouch! Carlos' hack job lands him in the bottom three, alone with poor Nicholas, whose quail is too salty, and Justin, whose chicken drumsticks are too boring. Carrie and Nina are joined in the top three by Brian, who has managed to make a surprisingly good chicken soup in a half hour. But it's Carrie that takes the win and immunity. There's nothing that figs can't do!

Elimination Challenge. It sounds pretty rough. The chefs will be using the cafeteria equipment at Louisiana State University to serve 500 freshmen. And given my appetite when I was a college freshman, that'll be like serving 1000 adults. The winner takes home a new car. It's always strange to see how disparate the prizes are on this show. One week, the winner gets nothing, and the next week, it's a car. Odd. Nobody can plan their dishes in advance for this challenge, since they have no idea what they'll be working with, so we fill time with a tour of the school grounds. Apparently, LSU keeps a live tiger on campus, which sounds like a terrible idea for students and tiger alike.

When the chefs get to the cafeteria kitchen, there's another free-for-all, this time for cooking stations as well as ingredients. Though Shirley calls dibs on the flat-top grill (plancha), Carlos insists he needs it more, so Shirley reluctantly agrees to work with the wood-burning oven. If she were making a pizza, that'd be fine, but she's working on beef fried rice. Yikes. She changes her plan to roast beef and tomatoes with a potato puree. Carrie has no wish to work at the cold station, but takes the bullet because she has immunity. Giant vats of food are made. You could run a hog farm with the amount of grits Nicholas is stirring. As service begins, the chefs are presented with their very own lunch ladies as assistants. These remarkably good-natured women are heartily welcomed, but the meet-and-greet is cut short when a stampede of students flood in.

The kids line up for Brian's shrimp cake with spinach and chipotle aioli, and Shirley's roast beef is extremely popular as well. Nobody even wants to try Carrie's blanched broccoli with yogurt sauce and pita chips. I confess I don't like cold broccoli, either. Stephanie has made a tomato soup and toasted pimento cheese sandwich. She attempts to gussy up the presentation by serving it with the sandwich pre-dunked in the soup. Justin has a cold shrimp salad, with asparagus, cauliflower, and garlic puree. Nicholas' roasted pork with rosemary looks incredibly good, and is served with parmesan grits and bacon/brown sugar gravy. Carlos is working on tilapia, and wants to use Nicholas' oven for final prep. Nicholas needs it for his own dish, and denies permission. Because remember? When the eight chefs divided up the eight stations? And Carlos just had to have the plancha? So when the judges ding Carlos for taking too long at service, Carlos blames Nicholas for "stealing" his oven. He does it with half of a just-kidding twinkle in his eye, but that's still a pretty assy thing to do. Nina overhears this and agrees with me. I mean, not me, specifically. Although that would be amazing. Of course, the judges can't resist tattling to Nicholas about Carlos' accusation, and this does not fill him with happiness. He sits on his anger for the time being, though, as there's work to do. That's why I almost titled this entry "Saint Nicholas", what with it being so close to Christmas and all.

Fret 'n sweat. Nicholas finally has a chance to have it out with Carlos. He's direct and curt about Carlos' backstabbing, but he never gets overly angry or irrational. I like Nicholas; he's remarkably mature for a reality show competitor. Actually, I don't even dislike Carlos, either. I think he did a stupid thing, but I believe he was venting without a sense of what that would snowball into. Still, man. If you're going to snap, snap at one of the other chefs. Not the judges. Padma comes in and summons Brian, Carlos, and Shirley to Judges' Table. These are unsurprisingly the top three of the evening, but there's never any suspense that Carlos will win the challenge. The judges have been vociferously complaining about his lengthy service time since the food first hit the plate, but at least his flavors were spot-on. That brings it down to Brian's shrimp cakes and Shirley's roast beef. Brian's cakes drove the students wild, while Shirley magnificently adapted to her challenging cooking equipment. The fact that she was able to turn out stellar roast beef with a pizza oven pushes her over the top, and she wins the challenge. And a car! She sure knows which challenges to dominate.

Bottom three. It shakes down to Stephanie, Nina, and Justin, though the judges are sure to mention that Carrie is damned lucky she has immunity. Stephanie's grilled cheese included feta and cottage cheese, and it turned out too chunky as a result. Serving it in the soup only exacerbated its problems, though the soup itself was great. Justin's dish was a big ol' plate of blandness. The judges don't understand the garlic puree at all. This is Nina's first appearance in the bottom three, and unlike Justin, she doesn't look for convenient places to deflect criticism when it's thrown her way. Her fried chicken's breading was disappointing, and she didn't have enough corn puree to serve all the diners. I prepare myself for Stephanie's ouster, and am pleasantly surprised when Justin is told to pack his knives and go.

In his final interview, he does that passive-aggressive thing where he accepts his elimination because he was "unwilling to compromise on ingredients". It's like the "I'm sorry if what I said offended you," kind of apology. You heard it from him, first. He's just too noble to succeed in this sordid competition. Ugh. He certainly was a strong contender for a while. I thought he and Nina would be facing off at the end. But it seems Justin is a fierce competitor only when he's assured of his own success. Once he started to struggle, he was all but ready to take his ball and go home. I wouldn't be surprised to see him do well in Last Chance Kitchen, so perhaps this won't be the last we see of him. If it is, though, I think we've made some history here. This may be the first Top Chef season ever where I don't dislike anyone in the top seven. Sure, I have a couple favorites, but as we stand now, I'd be relatively happy to see any of these people win. It's a Christmas miracle!

Overall Grade: B

Home Cooking

Top Chef - Season 11, Episode 10

Previously on Top Chef: Two restaurants went to war. It seemed that the Green team would be the conquering army, but the scrappy Purple team indulged in some sneaky tactical attacks, such as cooking good food and providing capable service. Uncanny! Justin's huffy sneer every time he receives criticism made another unwelcome return, but it seems to be working for him, as Sara's terrible dessert and abysmal service earned her a one-way ticket back to the WWII thrift store. Nine chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Quickfire. Guest judge Hubert Keller joins Padma to explain that for this week's challenge, the chefs will be creating dishes centered around coffee. And not just any coffee, but [brand-of-coffee]! Wow, [brand-of-coffee] is awesome! Oh, did you want me to fill in those brackets? Sure thing. As soon as I receive the same $10,000 check that the chef who wins the challenge gets, I'll get right on that. Now, I'm a big coffee enthusiast, but apparently nothing like Nina, who tells us that she drinks 15 espressos a day. As she is not currently hovering around the ceiling like a hummingbird, I do not believe her. Immunity is up for grabs, but the chefs are lot more interested in the money. A couple of interviews make plain that our economy is still a troubled one, because the grand dreams the chefs have for their prize money includes presentable clothes to replace their threadbare duds, and an air conditioner that actually functions.

The chefs spring into action. A lot of their plans go awry, as Brian attempts risotto that turns into a goopy mess, and Carrie runs out of time before her crepes can be cooked. She hurries to make a coffee custard, instead. Shirley crusts some tenderloin with coffee, and makes a coffee brown butter sauce and blanched garlic to go with it. Sounds good. Stephanie combines goat cheese with sweet potato, and serves it on a crepe with a ham/bacon/coffee jam. When it comes to the judging, Hubert singles out these latter three women for praise, while Brian's risotto sinks him to the bottom, along with Nicholas, whose hazelnut coffee caramel emulsion had an unpleasant texture. The winner of immunity and the generous [brand-of-coffee] cash prize is...Shirley! Yay! I have such a soft spot for her. Especially now that she'll have an air conditioner and won't be walking around the house all sweaty and gross.

Elimination Challenge. Another guest judge joins the panel this week. Actor Anthony Mackie has come home to New Orleans, and tells the chefs that for this week's challenge, they'll be going home as well, in a sense. They're tasked with creating a dish inspired by what they want to eat when they're at home. It's an endeavor that has a lot of emotion built in, which is naturally done on purpose, but is also pretty cool to watch. The last time the show did a challenge like this, they couldn't even bring themselves to eliminate anyone, which I found a big relief. Will they be able to go through with it this time? Let's find out! The chefs have a pretty scant three hours' cooking time, and will be presenting their dishes to the judges and guest diner Leah Chase at her New Orleans institution, Dooky Chase. Tradition or no, that is possibly the worst restaurant name I've ever heard - even if it was a name coined in an era before it started sounding like a poop-themed video game.

Shopping/Prep. Justin tells us that he used to eat squirrel, and while my initial reaction is disgust, I have to remind myself of my try-everything-once rule. You know, within reason. I can't turn my nose up at squirrel before joyfully wandering off to eat sweetbreads. Nicholas is making his daughter's favorite gnocchi, and while it's all very cute, it really cements this season's subtitle. "Top Chef - Season 11: Enough With The Goddamn Gnocchi, Already". Shirley shakes the prep table while kneading bread, and loudly hacks up her pork with a cleaver, momentarily getting on everyone else's nerves. Never mind them, girl! You hack to your heart's content. Brian plans to grill some Korean-style steak, while Travis makes biscuits and gravy. Tom raises his eyebrows when he hears the biscuits won't be made with buttermilk. Oh, please. Buttermilk is delicious, but it's not integral to the quality of a biscuit. Especially one smothered in gravy. Stephanie peers deep into my psyche yet again, and comes up with a mussel dish with pickled peppers that I would punch a nun to get at. Upon arrival at Dooky Chase (snicker), Brian discovers there is no charcoal grill, forcing him to pan sear his steaks. Travis keeps opening the oven to gauge the progress of his biscuits. I would never pretend to be a better cook than any contestant ever on this show, but even I know that you shouldn't do that. Yet another reminder that chefs and bakers rarely intersect. Carrie manages to poach a dozen eggs at the same time, which is the most impressive thing I've seen since the Olympics. I tried to do two the other night, and ruined both of them.

The meal goes out in three rounds. In the first round, Brian's marinated steaks go out with Travis' biscuits and Carlos' delightful-looking cochinita pibil with black beans and pico de gallo. The jam Travis serves with his dish is popular, but the inside of his biscuits are underdone to the point of raw. Yikes. Brian's steaks would have been a lot better if he had grilled them. I guess it's a fair criticism, but I can't help but feel for Brian, since he had a reasonable expectation of kitchen equipment that he wasn't able to use. Carlos' dish is praised from top to bottom. Yeah, that looked terrific.

Round 2 includes Nicholas' gnocchi, which looks pretty homey and comforting. He finds himself missing his family, and starts to weep in his interview. Shirley has used her immunity to take a risk, and presents some dao xiao mian she's not entirely sure will be successful. Stephanie has her aforementioned mussel dish, and I'm hungry just typing about it. The judges find Nicholas' gnocchi soft and delightful. Stephanie's dish is also well-received, while Shirley's is met with more confusion than criticism. Round 3 wraps up the meal, with Justin's chicken thigh gravy served over rice, Carrie's creamed asparagus and egg on toast, and Nina's curried chicken. All of those sound good, though I'd have to think Carrie's dish would be viewed as too simple. The judges apparently have no big problem with it, nor with Nina's chicken, though a couple of judges wish she had served it with rice instead of avocado. Justin's recent slide continues, as his chicken has good flavor, but is too dry. Hasn't dryness been the main complaint about every one of his dishes? He should just start slathering everything in sauce, whether it calls for it or not.

Fret 'n sweat. It's pretty tough to tell which way the wind is blowing, as the judges praise Shirley's noodles (but not the overall dish), Nicholas' gnocchi (but not the overall dish), and Travis' gravy (but not the overall dish). They're less reserved about Stephanie and Carlos, whom they all loved. Carlos, Stephanie, and Nicholas are called to Judges' Table as the top three, much to their relief. Nicholas kids that if he got heat for a dish he poured so much emotion into and that he's made a million times, he was going to wreck up the place. Fortunately, no violence is necessary, as he wins his second Elimination Challenge in a row. That dish really did look wonderful. Brian, Justin, and Travis are called in as the bottom three. Brian's steaks may have had more flavor if he had had access to the charcoal grill he wanted, but fact is, he didn't. Travis' undercooked biscuits are a major sticking point. Literally! *rimshot* Justin insists that he's made his dish a bunch of times, just not recently, because he's a restaurant chef and has to cook the actual menu, [assholes]. That [assholes] is not said out loud, but it hangs heavily in the air. Elimination. Oh, yes. Elimination. None of this you-cooked-your-hearts-out-so-everyone-stays this time. Travis. Please pack your knives and go. No huge surprise, there. It'd be impossible to overlook raw dough; there are few things more off-putting to bite into. He cries a bit as he leaves, but seems to be at peace with the decision. No word on whether he's at peace with facing the conservative father he just came out to on national television when he gets home, though.

Overall Grade: B+

Rosie the Sniveler

Top Chef - Season 11, Episode 9

Previously on Top Chef: The chefs attempted to dislodge the marbles in Dr. John's mouth with some custom hot sauce. Brian was on fire (in the good way), and snagged immunity for the boucherie Elimination Challenge. During that hog prep, Justin's meat was on fire (in the bad way), and his day wasn't helped by Nina telling him that he should suck a different kind of sausage. He groused about going to Losers' table for his tacos, while Carlos' tacos won the day. Stephanie avoided being eaten by a gator, but Louis could not avoid the elimination chop. Ten chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

There is no Quickfire tonight, and while there's a perfectly valid reason for that, am I right in thinking that a lot of Quickfires have gone missing this season? We've gone straight to the Elimination Challenge in a full third of the episodes so far. Odd. I wonder what the deal is, there. Anyhow, Padma explains to the chefs that there is no Quickfire, and they easily guess that it's time for...Restaurant Wars! Also known as...The Challenge That Everyone Except Me Breathlessly Awaits! Not that I hate it or anything, but I get way more excited for challenges like the mise en place relay race. Here's a few reasons why I'm bemused by Restaurant Wars' popularity, and also a humbling reminder that my predictive powers are not always firing on all cylinders. The chefs pull knives to determine their teams, and they wind up being:

Green Team: Sara, Nina, Carlos, Shirley, and Justin
Purple Team: Stephanie, Nicholas, Carrie, Travis, and Brian

Oof. Even a casual glance should tell you that based on challenge wins, we're looking at a severe imbalance here. Of the eight elimination challenges so far, members of the Green team have won six of them (Purple has scored three - the math being weird because Travis and Carlos shared a win). Normally, that might suggest a massacre on the scale of Season 4 is about to take place, but this time, I'm not so sure. First of all, the talent level this year seems to be more equitable. Sure, Nina is a force to be reckoned with, but we've seen plenty of good things out of Carrie and Stephanie, too. Also, and how to put this delicately? This season has been remarkably convivial, with everyone except Michael pretty much getting along and respecting each other. The people that have shown flashes of pissiness, however, are all on the Green team. Challenge wins aside, if an ego clash is coming, it's pretty clearly going to be in the Green kitchen. So maybe this will be more of an even match than we'd initially guess. Let's find out!

As usual, the chefs will have one day to put everything together. The teams go into huddles to discuss strategy. It's always interesting to see how people handle the decision over who should take front-of-house duties. Normally, it's taken on reluctantly by someone who doesn't really want to do it (or in Spike's case, taken on in order to avoid responsibility). This season, however, both Sara and Travis volunteer, and both appear to have genuine aspirations of doing a good job. That dispensed with, the Purple team decides they will be doing a seafood-based menu, and that Nicholas will act as head chef. The Green team head chef duties fall to Justin, and the team decides on a "Modern American" menu, which as we all know by now, means "cook whatever the hell you want". Carlos grouses that the team is more interested in talking about decor than in planning a menu, and yeah, that's ridiculous, "Modern American" or not. I'm kind of gobsmacked that these people think matching plates and tablecloths is more important than talking about what they're going to cook. They don't even have it settled by the time they go shopping. That is so dumb.

The restaurant space will be split into two rooms, and for the first time, there aren't even kitchens. They have to set up temporary cooking implements behind a curtain, which is...odd. Lack of a cohesive menu starts to bite the Green team in the ass, like, DUUUUUUUUUUUH. Sara takes her Rosie the Riveter look into a "We Can Do It!" attitude, except her version of it is passive-aggressively suggesting that they all discuss things in a calm, rational manner before running away so nobody can respond. As cooking prep gets started, the cracks widen. Justin snipes at the other Green team members, and Nina snipes right back. The biggest problem the Purple team is facing right now is that Brian bought xanthan gum instead of agar agar, so his corn gel is going to be stiffer than Tracy Turnblad's hair.

Prep ends, and service begins. It immediately becomes apparent that there is, indeed, a blowout in progress. It's just not the one they initially thought it was going to be. Everything is humming along nicely at "Fin", the Purple team's restaurant. Travis is handling his front-of-house duties with aplomb, and their menu is balanced and gets a lot of appreciative compliments. Stephanie's linguini with caviar, oyster cream, and fennel looks incredible in particular, though I'd replace the fennel with something else. I'm getting a little sick of it. Over at the Green team's restaurant (feel free to snicker over them naming it "Found" - the judges and I certainly did), they may as well have literal headless chickens running around. Sara's service is wretched, and the kitchen keeps fucking up tickets so that only half a table's orders are going out. In the funniest bit, Sara dumps food in front of the judges with a tight rictus grin, and walks away without bothering to explain a word about what's being served. The dishes aren't terribly successful, either. Justin's rabbit dish is dry and Sara's nectarine brown-butter cake is described as a greasy cookie. Shirley's olive-oil poached cobia looks good, though, and Nina makes a pork dish that garners her usual praise.

Fret 'n sweat. We've seen both teams in action and have an edited encapsulation to understand how lopsided this challenge turned out to be, but the chefs have no such clarity, so everyone is anxious. When Padma calls the Purple team in to Judges' Table, they have no idea how they did. Their relief at being told they are winning team is so palpable it leaks out of James' TV. Brian's corn gel wasn't great, and Carrie's shrimp dish was a bit greasy, but that's about it for complaints. Travis' service was far and away the best in any Restaurant Wars to date, and Nicholas not only steered his team well, but made a delightful black drum and oxtail dish as well. That's enough to bring him the win, and he's overjoyed to finally have one under his belt. Losers' Table. We don't even need to bother with Nina, Carlos, or Shirley, because it's obvious that they're safe. This decision all comes down to terrible food and terrible management, both in the kitchen and in the dining room.

Justin is once again huffy at any criticism leveled against him, be it fair or unfair. Sara is once again compliant and apologetic on the surface, but with an obvious sneer underneath. Justin had no leadership skills and his rabbit dish was disappointing. Sara's service was appalling, and her cake was terrible. Even if Justin didn't strike me as a more likely overall contender (and thus, a more attractive prospect for the producers to keep), at least a portion of his problems can be blamed on the chaos that Sara's inept dining room management caused. So it's not too much of a surprise when Sara is told to pack her knives and go. She attempts to be stoic and placid, but is not great at masking her feelings about how shitty she thinks this elimination was. Eh. Seemed fair to me.

Overall Grade: B-

Going Whole Hog

Top Chef - Season 11, Episode 8

Previously on Top Chef: Brian "won" a Quickfire that incorporated the elements of jazz - such as how it often makes no sense whatsoever. For the Elimination Challenge, the chefs broke into teams, made whatever the hell they wanted, and pretended it was potluck food. Nina got into the top three yet again for her gnocchi...

James (with affection): "This bitch and her gnocchi."

...but Stephanie won for fried artichokes which looked so good that I ordered some this past weekend. At a BBQ restaurant. For breakfast. The thread that Patty's been clinging to since the beginning of the season finally snapped, and she was sent home. Eleven chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Quickfire. Another very New Orleansy presence joins shows up to judge. This time, it's gravel-voiced Grammy winner Dr. John, who mumbles around a mouthful of marbles. Padma translates that the challenge will be to make and bottle some hot sauce. Good challenge! I like hot sauce (in moderation), and feel like a lot of people just go for pure heat, when it should really be about something flavorful that incorporates heat. Let's see who falls into the sear-your-taste-buds-off trap.

The chefs get started. Poor Nicholas interviews that he never touches hot sauce, as he is prone to ulcers. Ugh, that sucks. Stephanie and Carrie are similarly inexperienced, but pledge to do their best. Justin makes a sauce with anchovy, and GET IN MY MOUTH RIGHT NOW. When time runs out, Padma asks for Dr. John's bottom three, which he says are "Dbkdfja, nkfhwlllib afvj fuuryyyslv." Hang on, let's run that through the Padma translator. Carrie's Trinidad-inspired gumbo may have made the cut, but her Trinidad-inspired hot sauce is a dud. Nicholas' was overly-sweet, and Nina's was all heat, no flavor. Yup. Gotta watch out for that.

Now, for the good news. Carlos' habanero sauce with mango and passion fruit hit all the right notes. Justin's pepper sauce with anchovy was odd, but delicious. OF COURSE IT WAS. Sorry, I get heavily invested in anchovy dishes. Brian's green jalapeño sauce incorporated yuzu well. The winner of the challenge and immunity is... "Bjhfs." Sorry, that's Brian. He looks pleased. And stoned. But then, he always looks stoned.

Elimination Challenge. A 300-pound pig is wheeled in, its belly cleaved in two. That reminds me, I'm an episode behind on American Horror Story. The chef (Donald Link - yes, you heard correctly) and butcher (Toby Rodriguez) who bring it in are experts in boucherie, the Cajun tradition of breaking down and using the entire animal in cooking. I mean, there might just be another culture that was on this continent before the Cajuns that was known for using the whole animal. There's an upcoming holiday celebrating them? Starts with an "N"? Ends with "ative Americans"? Still, I get that we're in New Orleans and have to focus on the whole Creole thing.

For the challenge, the chefs must work together to break down the entire hog, and use the entire thing to serve a few hundred people. Everyone must be in charge of at least one dish. Once Padma and the guest judges leave, the chefs fall to squabbling about who gets which part of the pig. Justin and Nicholas handle most of the butchering, with Sara hovering around and nagging them like an annoying backseat driver. Nina and Nicholas both want the head, and compromise by cutting it in half. Justin and Carlos independently decide to make tacos, and while Justin is usually confident in his abilities, he understandably worries that Carlos will spank him on this head-to-head comparison. While the chefs shop for their other ingredients, Donald and Toby's crew cooks up an example boucherie back at the house. It looks so good I can practically smell it.

Prep. The chefs are taken to a place called the Bayou Barn, which is a terrible name. "Bayou Barn" is where overweight women with five teeth buy their muumuus and discount flip-flops. Justin spends time building a fire, and then snarls at anyone else who gets near it. Everyone ignores him, and when he tries to assert his flame ownership, Nina tells him to eat a dick. We had to rewind to make sure that's what she really said; apparently, it's kosher to say that on TV now. Eat a dick, everyone! Meanwhile, Stephanie recoils when she sees an alligator hanging out in the grass a dozen feet away. That...is terrifying. The chefs appear to just keep on cooking, but I dearly hope that someone off camera was in charge of shooing it away. Louis interviews that he was expecting to show up and just be a lone wolf, but that he's actually made some really great friends. Hmmm. He's incorporating popcorn into his dish. Once prep time is complete, the judges and other diners walk around and sample everything. This is one of those challenges I fervently wish I could attend as a taster.

Fret 'n sweat. The chefs are delighted when Tom says that this challenge had some of the best food he's ever eaten in the show's entire run. The judges have said that kind of thing before and sounded a bit hollow, but it sounds pretty genuine this time. Whoever goes home will be eliminated for a minor flaw, which is a shame. But first, for the good news. Obviously, Nina is in the top three, because she's Nina. Her pig-head ragout incorporated roasted corn, mustard greens, and spaetzle, and had a nice heat that built over time. Shirley and Carlos join her, and both of them speak emotionally about the inspiration they drew from their families to create their dishes. Shirley's dumplings contained pork scrapings, grilled kidney and were served on a crispy pork fat salad. Yuuuuuuuuuuuum. Carlos' tacos are fried chorizo, served on a pozole verde (a soup made with pork bone). Yuuuuuuuuuuuum. This is why I can believe Tom when he says this is some of the best food ever served on Top Chef. It all looks amazing. The winner of the challenge is... Carlos! I was kind of pulling for Shirley (those dumplings look incredible), but am happy to see him score a win with a recipe that hits so close to home.

Losers' Table. The judges summon Justin, Louis, and Stephanie. Justin is unhappy to be there. He doesn't think there was anything wrong with his pork. The judges assure the chefs that nobody's dish was out-and-out disappointing, but that there were issues of consistency. Some of Justin's servings were dry, which explains an earlier scene of a flare-up of the flames he was so adamant about protecting. I can't tell if Justin is justifiably cheesed about being in the bottom three for a good dish, or if he's one of those tiresome people that can't take any form of criticism. Stephanie braised her pork so much that all the flavor sank into the broth. Louis' popcorn was out-of-place and off-putting, though his grilled pork leg was tasty. Tom throws it over to Padma for the (pork) chop. Louis. Please pack your knives and go. Aw, crud. It's probably fair from a challenge standpoint, but Louis is so... Well, let's just say I'm not going to be buying the Brian calendar anytime soon. Louis takes his loss stoically, and only regrets that he wasn't able to nail a challenge with his personal style of food. Yeah, I'd have liked to see that, too. And maybe what he would have worn for the July photo.

Overall Grade: B

Theme Music

Top Chef - Season 11, Episode 7

Previously on Top Chef: Though her dad may have been Prime Minister, it's Nina's turn to rule now. Competitors quaked in her presence, as she calmly went about dominating both the Creole tomato Quickfire and the cream cheese Elimination Challenge. Is her winning streak about to come to an end? There's only one way to find out! Oh, and Bene went home. Twelve chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Sickness has come to the Top Chef household. A doctor is called to examine Nicholas, and she diagnoses him with strep throat, cautioning him to stay away from food and other people for at least twenty-four hours. This must be one of those magical TV cases of strep throat that has the potential to clear up overnight. I was unfortunate enough to get the Real Life version, which I can assure you does not go away in one day. Nicholas stays home to rest, and the other chefs head out for the day.

Quickfire Challenge. Padma explains that if Nicholas isn't feeling better by the time the Elimination Challenge rolls around, he'll have to forfeit. Fair enough. Today's guest judge is jazz musician Kermit Ruffins, and while he seems like a cool guy, this challenge... Well, let me explain a bit. The chefs will begin cooking at their stations, but when Kermit begins to play, they have to walk around in a circle. When the music stops, the chefs must continue whatever dish is cooking at their new station. This could happen any number of times, but when the final note dies away, the chefs will be judged at whatever station they happened to end up at. Winning chef gets immunity.

Huh? Listen, I don't mind off-kilter challenges. I think it can be fun to watch them forced out of their comfort zones, and even kind of valuable as a teaching tool. Sure, chefs will never have to create a dish out of gas station convenience store food or need to base a dish around a particular color in their real careers, but when I was watching those Quickfires, I at least felt that each chef's individual skill was being tested. There's something to be said for having the chefs continue someone else's preparation in mid-stream, but immunity for the winner? You may as well give it out at random.

So I'm not going to bother getting into the Quickfire's details too much. Some chefs are delighted by what they find when they arrive at new stations, and some are horrified. Justin out-and-out tosses Shirley's couscous in the garbage without a second thought. When Kermit's tune is at its end, Brian is lucky enough to be standing behind the winning dish, a duck and mussels concoction. He has the good grace to thank the other chefs that made his win possible, but he's also understandably jazzed (see what I did there?) to have immunity basically served to him on a platter (and there?)

Elimination Challenge. The chefs will be preparing food to bring to a restaurant that Kermit plays at often. Dishes should be potluck style, and the chefs will pick their own teams. This should have been an interesting segment. How do you treat Brian? Avoid him because he has immunity? How do you treat Nicholas? Treat him as if he'll be there and at full strength? There and weak/distracted? Not there at all? How do you treat Nina? Do you grab her to give your team a boost, or avoid her to lower your chances of elimination should the team falter? Zero of these avenues are explored. People just grab whoever happens to be near them or who their best friends are. Boring. The teams shake out to be:

Blue: Shirley, Justin, Sara, and Louis
Gray: Brian, Travis, Nicholas, and Patty
Green: Nina, Carrie, Carlos, and Stephanie

The chefs go shopping, and Nicholas is looped in via phone call so he can have some input. He rallies enough to join the prep in the Kitchen, so no forfeit tonight, thankfully. Let's hope he doesn't infect a restaurant full of jazz enthusiasts. Although maybe they'd like to have froggy voices for a while; it's one way to infuse your music with some soul. Prep goes fairly smoothly. Nicholas does a lot of the grunt work for the gray team. Brian doesn't much care what's going on, and I think he's the first contestant in history to happily acknowledge that having immunity is giving him some breathing room to rest on his laurels for a bit. None of the standard "I'm going to work as hard as I can despite my immunity!" speeches here. It's actually kind of refreshing. Nina makes gnocchi yet again, which I believe is her third time in seven episodes. Time to give it a rest, ma'am. You don't want to turn into Jamie.

Service. The restaurant's patrons and staff are delighted by the dishes. A lot of them do look good, but let me say that any notion of a "potluck" theme has been violently tossed out the window. The judges may have harped on dishes that didn't match the Halloween theme a couple weeks ago, but they don't really give a shit about this one. Annoying. Words mean things! A couple of things on each team's menu do really appeal to me, though. Just because it's not potlucky doesn't mean it's not tasty. Louis' pickled vegetables with crispy sunflower seeds and Justin's shrimp and hominy grits look fantastic. The gray team presents a fried chicken with bee pollen and ponzu that makes me claw at the screen. Over on the green team, Stephanie makes fried baby artichokes with preserved lemon and anchovy aioli. WAAAAAAAAANNNNNNT. Carrie and Carlos make a nectarine trifle that they insist on calling a tiramisu for some reason. No, really. Words mean things.

Fret 'n sweat. Stephanie's artichokes are praised, and it's funny to watch her during these segments, because no matter if the news is good or bad, every time her name is mentioned, she looks like she's about to pass a kidney stone the size of a baseball. Other dishes are not as popular. The screen goes off, and Padma comes into the Kitchen to summon the gray team to Judges' Table. The other chefs are puzzled by this, because it didn't seem like that team was getting winning reactions from the judges. Indeed, the gray team is the losing one this evening. Patty's watermelon salad was bland, and she admits that time ran out before she was able to dress it with the chili she was going to use. Travis' ribs were well-cooked, but the rub was off. That sounded dirtier than I intended. Nicholas' fish was dry. The fried chicken was good, though.

Before a loser is picked, though, we have to crown a winner. That winner will hail from the green team. Stephanie's artichokes were remarkably good, and Nina's gnocchi are also popular. Carrie and Carlos' dessert is much less lauded, so it comes down to the former two. Stephanie scores her first win, and her face finally registers something other than blind panic, which is nice to see. Elimination. Brian has immunity, so it comes down to the other three, and Patty gets the axe for her disappointing salad. Aw. I had developed a big ol' soft spot for Patty these past few weeks, but given her overall performance in the competition, I think it's fair to say she lasted longer than expected. She sheds a few tears on her way out, and yeah, it's a bummer to get cut because you didn't shake a container of chili powder for three seconds.

Overall Grade: C+

Philly of the Valley

Top Chef - Season 11, Episode 6

Previously on Top Chef: The chefs unwrapped ingredients and equipment, while the audience unwrapped mini-sized candy. Gail and Padma's moms dropped by to be adorable for a while. The chefs catered a Halloween party and caused the judges to scratch their heads over why a themed vegan menu seemed overly narrow. Yeah, it's a puzzler. Travis and Carlos managed to navigate the tricky challenge and walked away with the win. Nina almost popped when she got stuck on a team with the sexist, condescending Michael, but her mood improved when his lackluster arancini got him booted off the show. Thirteen chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

I've been skipping the Monday Morning Quarterback sessions, but they are fun to watch if you're interested in what the remaining contestants think of whoever just got eliminated. This has been a pretty convivial season so far, so these scenes have mostly been of the "Aw, that's a shame" variety, but hoo boy, not this time. Nina is openly relieved at Michael's ouster, while the rest of the chefs cannot raise a more complimentary sendoff than "So, we just lost our roommate... How about that?"

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are driven out to a farm, so you know Carrie is in a good mood. There they meet guest judge John Besh, and he can never appear without someone making sure to mention how awesome his hair is, so let's get that out of the way now. I don't disagree, by the way; it's totally swoonworthy. Besh explains that for this week's Quickfire, the chefs are tasked with highlighting a specific ingredient. I always like the featured-ingredient type of challenge. It tends to lead to some creative choices, but without the final products getting too wacky. Today's star is the Creole tomato. I'd never heard of it before, so I did some cursory internet research. It seems to just be the name for a beefsteak grown in the Creole region, which is a bit of a letdown. I was hoping for something distinctive about it. The challenge time has been cut to twenty minutes, and we get an amusing Patty interview in which she guesses that eventually, the chefs will get about thirty seconds to craft some haute cuisine. I wouldn't be surprised to see something like a sixty-second challenge someday. Mark my words - it's coming.

The timer starts. Brian has the idea to do a kind of toad-in-the-hole, with the tomato standing in for bread. See what I mean about the creative choices? Nina works like mad to make sure her tomato watermelon soup is ice cold, which is difficult to achieve outside in the sun. She tops it with crispy zucchini blossoms, and the whole thing looks delicious. On the other end of the spectrum, Stephanie has zero ideas, Travis throws together a standard salad, tosses some strip loin on top, and calls it a day, while Patty's roasted tomatoes marinated in olive oil and cherry vinegar (with arugula and asparagus) is wilting fast. When time runs out, the latter three are called out as the least favorites. Joining Nina in the top three are Carlos' bright tomato/watermelon salad, and Louis' bold tomato seed bouillon. It's difficult to unseat the queen, though, and Nina wins the challenge and immunity. She's refreshingly realistic about her winning streak, cautioning herself against getting too confident, because it's a short walk to Losers' Table on this show.

Elimination Challenge. It's another highlight-the-ingredient challenge, but not quite as exciting this time. You see, there are bills to be paid around the Top Chef studio. Lots of them! And apparently, no amount of talking about how super-amazing the cars that takes the contestants to the store will cover those bills, so the product placement continues with the Philadelphia Cream Cheese challenge. I don't even understand why they need to advertise that much. I couldn't name another brand of cream cheese if I tried. They've pretty much got the market wrapped up. In any case, the chefs will be cooking for the judges, Besh, and all of Besh's executive chefs. Their dishes must incorporate and highlight the cream cheese, and their courses will be determined by a knife pull. The challenge winner will snag $10,000. Not bad! Oh, but there's one more thing. The cream cheese will be the only dairy product available to use, except for milk/cream. That doesn't sound like too punishing a parameter until you realize that means no butter, which is the life blood of any kitchen.

There is no shopping segment this week. The chefs just grab everything they can from the limited pantry at Besh's restaurant, so it's bedlam for a good thirty seconds or so. Travis hopes to stand out by cutting his vegetables in a certain direction. Oooooookay. Nina stuffs zucchini blossom with eggplant puree. Yum. Justin is combining duck and local mushrooms. Sara, wanting to break out of the middle of the pack, is cooking lamb. Unfortunately, her piping bag is clogged with - you guessed it - cream cheese, which slows her down. That means her meat doesn't have enough time to cook. The middle of the pack is suddenly looking pretty attractive, eh, Sara? Nicholas wants to make beignets, but without yeast, he settles on funnel cake instead. I'm expecting a certificate in the mail any day now, verifying that I am the only person in America that hates funnel cake. Time runs down, and the diners get settled.

Appetizers. Patty and Carlos have the most visually notable dishes. Hers is snapper crudo with cream cheese vinaigrette and shaved purple carrot and chili. His is poached beets and pickled purple carrots with peach, habanero, and cream cheese sauce. The judges like the creativity of Brian's summer squash and zucchini, with poached oyster and emulsified cream cheese, but find the oyster too salty. Sara's lamb is wildly inconsistent. Nina's eggplant is delicious.

Entrees. Fowl is the order of the day, as Bene, Carrie, and Justin all serve chicken (or duck). Bene's is stuffed with caramelized onions and tarragon cream cheese. Carrie has vinegar-braised chicken in cream sauce with chilled cucumber, which sounds good, until the judges complain that the meat is dry and the sauce is goopy. D'oh! Justin's duck breast is served with eggplant vinaigrette, chanterelle mushrooms, and corn puree. Yes, please. Only Travis serves meat (lamb), and like Sara's, the cooking consistency is all over the place. He's not saved by his raggedy cuts of vegetable.

Desserts. Louis serves graham crackers with blackberries and cream cheese mousse. Pretty! It's Shirley's dessert that steals my heart, though. She's got a cream cheese egg custard with macerated blueberries. I'd eat the ever-loving hell out of that. Stephanie has a cream cheese, peach, and cherry mousse and a short dough. The judges notice that her cream has broken, and wonder if she just ran out of time and had to throw something on the plate. Nicholas' funnel cake is a big hit.

At the end of the meal, the judges and executive chefs agree that overall, this was a pretty disappointing challenge. "They didn't seem particularly inspired," one of the judges complains.

James: "Yeah. How dare they not be particularly inspired...by cream cheese."

One of Besh's executive chefs grouses that the contestants should have done better, because "This is how you build your reputation. Cooking for other chefs." Oh, of course! Why even bring the stupid, unwashed public into the equation at all? You know what we should do? Just make restaurants a mutual admiration society where chefs execute their culinary artistic visions for other chefs. Then you'll never need to worry about those other stupid non-chef jerks coming in and trying to exchange money for good food and service. The nerve of those people.

Fret 'n sweat. The judges reiterate how personally let down they were by this challenge. Nina, Justin, and Nicholas did the best at each of their respective courses, and are called in to Judges' Table as the top three. They all had thoughtful, composed dishes, and when it comes to selecting the big money winner, Nina pulls it off yet again. She is dominating this season! She gets applause back in the Kitchen before sending Travis, Sara, and Bene in to face the judges' wrath. It's pretty obvious why the former two were selected; inconsistent cooking is probably the second biggest issue the judges bring up on this show, with underseasoning being the biggest no-no. Bene's vegetables tasted steamed, which... So? It's apparently a pretty bad error, because the king of the tomatoes takes the long walk home. Aw, that's a bummer. He seems like a perfectly nice guy, but I guess we're getting to the point of the season where the chefs need to start busting out the big guns to impress the judges, and Bene never really crept out of his comfort zone.

Overall Grade: B-

Bloodless Chew

Previously on Top Chef: Travis and Sara were really confident when it comes to Vietnamese food, so according to the Rules of Reality Competitions, they screwed everything up. One of these days, it will be refreshing to see someone say something like "I've been making dumplings since I was six, and am going to totally dominate this dumpling challenge," and then proceed to do just that. The shrimp dishes decided the day, with Shirley's BBQ shrimp scoring major points, and Janine getting punted for double-cooking hers. Fourteen chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight? Besides the St. Louis Cardinals, goddamn it!

Travis and Sara are bummed after their flogging at Judges' Table, so Travis distracts himself by using the show as his opportunity to come out to his father. That'll be a fun little conversation when the season airs. Over at the Kitchen, Padma and Gail explain this week's Quickfire Challenge. Every ingredient and piece of kitchen equipment has been wrapped in aluminum foil, rendering a lot of it unrecognizable. Then the Quickfire judges are introduced, and it turns out to be Padma and Gail's moms. Aw, cute. The chefs are split into two teams, and the moms have five minutes to pack a couple of carts with food and equipment. Whatever ingredients they pick up, the team must incorporate somehow. Ready? Go!

Carts are packed. When the dust settles, we see what the chefs were able to put together with weird mixtures like strawberries and mustard. One team (Sara, Stephanie, Justin, Michael, Carrie, Louis, and Shirley) makes lamb with cheese sauce, snapper with tomato sauce and rice, and a balsamic sabayon, which Carrie was somehow able to whip together without a whisk. The other team (Brian, Nina, Carlos, Travis, Bene, Patty, and Nick) has poached clams in fish sauce, a fish dish with mustard vinaigrette, and use up the rest of their ingredients by throwing them all into a soup (it incorporates beans, carrots, chili peppers, okra, cherry, strawberry, and coconut. Yeah, that sounds gross.

The moms disagree, I guess, because the latter team wins. Nobody gets immunity, but the chefs get $10,000. To split, that is. Everyone keeps tossing the $10,000 figure around, I guess because it doesn't sound quite as grand to boast that you just won $1,428.56. Still, not bad for half an hour's work. That dispensed with, it's time to move on to this week's Elimination Challenge. Padma introduces this week's guest judge: Glee star and avowed Top Chef super-fan Lea Michele. She's "hosting" a "Halloween" party, which the chefs will be catering, and... Come on, show. It's fine to air a Halloween-themed episode the day before the actual holiday, but I'm not sure who they're fooling by pretending the challenge was filmed anytime recently or that Lea Michele is hosting the party in any way, shape, or form. Oh, wait. I know who they're fooling - those dweebs who are voting in the insta-polls that irritatingly suck up a third of the screen.

The chefs are given some brief discussion time with Lea, who mentions that she generally sticks to a vegan diet, except when she's indulging in cheese, which she really loves. Plus, the dishes should incorporate an aspect of Halloween. Sigh. It's not that I don't like vegetarian/vegan challenges once in a while, but they don't generally lead to the most inventive dishes. Especially when it's a catering challenge, and the chefs won't have on-site access to a kitchen. Especially especially when they also have to include some visually thematic element. Sometimes, I desperately wish I could be a guest at one of the events these chefs cook for, but this sounds like one I'd happily skip. The chefs are paired off with whoever happens to be standing next to them:

-Carrie/Stephanie
-Nicholas/Patty
-Travis/Carlos
-Nina/Michael
-Justin/Sara
-Shirley/Louis
-Brian/Bene

The chefs shop, and then get to prep cooking. Most of the teams get along with no issue whatsoever. And by "most", I mean six of them. I'll give you one guess as to the pair that's not working out particularly well. A shiny gold star to those who said Nina/Michael. He's as insufferable as ever, and not just because he's reliably condescending and sexist, insisting on calling Nina by diminutive nicknames like "Sweetie" and "Boo-Boo". She's also justifiably worried that he can't pull his weight in terms of his dish, as he's been consistently placing pretty low in the challenges. Not that she does anything about it. I understand why she doesn't want to deal with his truckload of bullshit, but you can't ignore your partner in team challenges, lest they drag you down with them when they fail.

The party kicks into gear. None of the Halloween costumes are particularly inspired, which is a shame. Bravo's got enough to money to dress these people up right. Tom is shocked and dismayed to find that three teams have made arancini, and if he's that het up about it, I'd ask for his extensive list of foods that can be fried and easily served at a catered event, includes cheese, is otherwise vegan, and can be dressed up in Halloween trappings (like an eyeball). Other notable dishes include Justin's "blood" pasta, made with beets despite Lea's general dislike of them, Shirley's "worm" salad made of noodles, and Louis' phyllo spring roll with braised quinoa and onions on a potato puree.

Fret 'n sweat. Before the judges' discussion begins, Nina and Michael finally have it out over their doomed partnership. Michael can add "gobsmackingly clueless" to his list of stellar qualities, as he insists that far from dragging her down, she was the one who needed him to succeed. His hopes are gloriously dashed when the judges' deliberations get beamed in, and they immediately praise her dish and abhor his. That doesn't mean she's out of the woods, of course, as they were supposed to work as a team, but it's nice to watch his bubble get popped so efficiently. Brian and Bene are also in trouble for making "spa food", which beyond sounding silly as an inspiration for a Halloween challenge, worked out to be a couple of boring salads. On the flip side, Nicholas' squash cannoli was delicious and thematically appropriate, and his partner Patty's arancini was the best of the three made today. Also in the top are Travis and Carlos, who have cleverly gone with a Dia de los Muertos theme. Travis' ceviche is light and fresh, while Carlos' fried zucchini in cheese fondue went straight to Lea's heart. In a good way.

It's been a busy couple of episodes for the previously-overlooked Travis. He's invisible! Now he's an expert in Vietnamese cuisine! Now he's terrible at Vietnamese cuisine! Now he's indirectly coming out to his dad! Now he's an expert in Latino cuisine! And now he can add challenge winner to that growing list, as he and Carlos carry the day. Though Brian and Bene get justifiably criticized for their unimaginative dishes, they real question boils down to whether Michael is going to get eliminated solo or if he'll take Nina with him. Sighs of relief are heard all over the country as the condescending Muppet takes the long walk alone. He's blithely self-impressed to the very end, saying that he represented New Orleans well and that everyone has something to add to this world. Well, he's right on that latter point. He added a handy villain to this season. With him gone, who will the anger turn to?

Overall Grade: C+