America's Next Top Model - Season 8, Episode 12
Previously on America's Next Top Model: In the narrow sense? Dionne failed to live up to Tyra's standards of egotism and megalomania, and got eliminated. In the grand sense? Model stampedes. Prom dresses. Laser beams. Aboriginal dances. Fake boot camp. Photo shoots. Temper tantrums. Getting thrown into a swimming pool. Tonight, one of the girls will be America's Next Top Model -- for all of fifteen minutes before we forget about her and move on to the next batch of wannabes. Tyra may have left that last part off. Will it be Natasha, the Russian "beauty and mom" who started off horrible and...improved? It's hard to type what Tyra says about her because it's all such horseshit. I never noticed Samantha's face upon being eliminated, and it's a really funny "Awww....damn it!" expression. Will it be Jaslene, the Latin "spitfire"? Her pictures have been consistently good, but her energetic personality has "faded away" in front of the judges. Will it be Renee, the "sunny mother" from Hawaii? Sunny mother? Whatever. She takes amazing photos, but aggravated the hell out of her competitors. After solving that problem, the judges decided that she photographs too old. You should probably just assume that every time Renee is on-screen from here on out, someone is saying she looks too old. You'll be right more often than not.
Opening credits. Oh, please not Natasha. Oh, please not Natasha. Oh, please not Natasha.
Opera House -- #30. We launch right into the traditional final three challenge: a beauty shot and commercial for CoverGirl. The girls stream in, and OJ tells them the eventual winner's print ad will appear in a "real" magazine. As opposed to all those fake ones floating around. Renee interviews that she's always wanted to be a CoverGirl, even owning up to an embarrassing memory of her and her sisters practicing the CoverGirl wink. She demonstrates a couple of times, and the editors throw in some sparkles and a "ding!". Hehe. Blah blah product placement crap. For the commercial, Renee will be out on a boat, Jaslene will be at a "red carpet" event, and Natasha will be "backstage at a photo studio". Instead of there being a script, the girls will just be ad libbing. Renee grins, probably thinking about how weak a grasp her two competitors have on English. OJ brings in Jim, who will be photographing the beauty shot. And that's not all he brings in. Sigh. Yes, let's bring in today's coach -- CariDee, who undeservedly won last cycle, and who is burning up the fashion and advertising industries with her high profile modeling gigs. Hahahaha! Just kidding, of course. She advises the girls not to overthink their photos. CariDee couldn't overthink something if her life depended on it. That's the extent of her "coaching" for now, and the girls go in to hair and makeup.
Hair and makeup montage. I think I see Neeko working on Renee's hair. I wouldn't let him near me with a ten-foot curling iron after the Weave That Destroyed Tokyo. CariDee tells Renee that the competition is easy, compared to what comes after it. Yes, I imagine that the contractual obligations of one Seventeen cover and a series of ads aimed at pretending she has a legitimate modeling career are so trying. CariDee interviews that she was happy to give the girls such helpful advice. My eyes roll out of my head and into the kitchen. A guy named Brent, who represents CoverGirl, is also hanging around, so the girls are under some added pressure today. Natasha interviews (Opera House -- #31) about how nerve-wracking this all is. OJ tells Natasha that while there isn't a script for the ad, there are a few lines that she has to land. I'm not going to go into them; it's just some blather about cosmetics. Natasha writes her own sort of script around the lines. She shoots her ad, and OJ interviews that it sounded like she was reciting a grocery list. He goes and tells her that she needs to have more spontaneity. She nods, visibly thinking "Spon-ta-what-ity?". She gives it another go, and suuuuuuuuuuucks. OJ and Brent disagree, thinking she did much better. Looks like that voodoo spell Natasha's cast on the judges is still holding strong.
Renee practices some "aren't I cute and pretty?" faces in the mirror. She's taken out into the harbor (Opera House -- #32) for her ad. She feels strange having to make up her lines, and starts out talking about how she thought her life was over after she had her baby. Hehe. OJ puts the kibosh on that, saying she should probably stick to talking about things in a more positive light. After that note, she starts doing much better. She sounds relaxed and delivers her prepared lines smoothly, having no trouble incorporating them into her patter. OJ and Brent are blown away. I only counted the Opera House once up there, but it's shown about forty times during this segment. Jaslene steps out onto her dinky red carpet, then gets back into a car for the actual shoot. As with her Australian ad, she furrows her brow a lot, and sounds very stiff when she gives her lines. OJ tells her to give it more energy (more cha-cha-diva, if you will), and she seems to improve after that. OJ and Brent still look disappointed until Jaslene whips out a little Spanish. You can almost see the dollar signs in their eyes. Hooray! Another ethnic group we can trick into spending millions of dollars on useless goo!
Time for the print ad. CariDee "teaches" Natasha some posing tricks to elongate her neck. Ready for the secret? Lift your chin up. Wow, who could have ever cracked that code? Jim starts taking pictures of Natasha, who angles her face around wildly, I guess in order to give a variety of poses to choose from. She begins giggling, and Jim interviews that she has a lot of trouble smiling naturally, so she almost has to laugh in order to get a real smile out. I have it freeze-framed on Natasha smiling right now, and HOW DID SHE GET TO THE FINAL THREE? SHE'S NOT PRETTY. Jaslene is up next. She looks good. She also interviews about the difficulties of holding a smile. She has to work her facial muscles around a bit to keep them from getting tired. Renee. She looks good. Jim interviews as much, but throws in the omnipresent "but" about her looking too old.
Evening. Opera House -- #33. The girls get some Tyra Mail about the upcoming elimination. Renee has no idea how the judging will go, but hopes Natasha won't go through to the runway show, because she walks like "a pigeon-toed duck with a piece of poop hanging out of her ass." Ha! That was awesomely bitchy and awesomely true. Natasha thinks Jaslene may be the one to get eliminated. Jaslene doesn't offer any predictions, knowing how arbitrary the judging is. And how, as we'll see in a moment.
Commercials. I don't understand why, of all products out there, chewing gum is the one with the wackiest-ass commercials.
Opera House -- #34. Chamber of Doom. Tyra welcomes the final three. The judges are introduced. Tonight's guest judges are designers for an Australian clothing company, whose clothing will be modeled by the final two girls in a runway show. Evaluations. First up is Natasha. We see her "best take", and it's going to take some fancy tap dancing to get around the fact that it's execrable. You can barely understand a word she's saying, and the speech. Is halted. In weird places, which. Makes the syntax all wrong. Her prepared lines are hollow. She overacts. Short of her vomiting mid-take, she'd be hard-pressed to do a worse job on this. Let's get to the avalanche of bullshit excuses that the judges put forth to avoid eliminating her! Tyra says that she at least delivered her prepared lines well. BZZT! Liar! Twiggy says that she can't imagine how hard it is for Natasha to ad-lib in English. So what are you going to do, put a little disclaimer at the bottom of her commercials? "Viewer: We know she sucks, but give her a break. English is her second language. Buy our makeup!" Nigel says that she's endearing and lovely, and her imperfections are what make her beautiful. Arrgh. She sucked. Deal with it. I don't remember you all being so kind over Jael's imperfections. Natasha's beauty shot is a nose. Sure, there's a face surrounding that nose, but every time I try to focus on any aspect, from eyebrows to hair, my eyes are drawn back to that big ol' honker. Twiggy doesn't think it's the strongest picture Natasha's ever taken, but Nigel loves it. Bleh.
Jaslene. Her commercial is almost as bad as Natasha's. She's got the same awkward patter and clipped speech, plus that furrowed brow. Tyra tells her that throwing in a bit of Spanish was genius, but her pauses were terrible. Her beauty shot looks quite nice. Plus, her smile shows another side to Jaslene than the usual face she gives in photos, which is just what the judges have been looking for. Tyra somehow magically senses that Jaslene is a little less comfortable being commercial than editorial, and that's something she'll have to work on. Why yes, this is the exact opposite point to the one she pressed with Renee a couple of weeks ago. Nice catch. Renee. The take they show of her commercial is weird, because they don't show any of the bits having to do with the prepared lines. It's just her talking about how happy and excited she is to be in Sydney (Opera House -- #35). She's certainly more relaxed and natural than the other two. Twiggy tells her she caught the excitement of the moment. Tyra likes the humility Renee showed. Nigel says that Renee's eyes were a bit of a problem, because it was so bright outside (plus there were reflectors), he could hardly see them. No, they never offer how that could possibly be Renee's fault, but I suppose she's to bear the burden of a poorly-directed ad. Her beauty shot is very pretty, though her head is tilted at a bit of an awkward angle. I guess she's trying to elongate her neck. Nigel, who I've never actively disliked, is really working my last nerve tonight, as he presses the Renee-looks-old argument. Oh, my God. WE GET IT. You've eliminated ten girls who looked plenty young while keeping Renee around. It's a bit late to be all "This is a dealbreaker!" now. Tyra jumps on the bandwagon, saying that Renee's eyes look a bit puffy and wrinkled, which 1) They don't, and 2) Even if they were, if CoverGirl is so great, why hasn't her being slathered in the stuff concealed that?
The girls are dismissed. Deliberations. Natasha is "the most beautiful of the three". Break the spell! One of the guest judges thinks she may be lacking a bit of natural style needed to be a model. Naturally, Nigel defends her, because he's got some inexplicable hard-on for her. She touches Tyra's heart, and Tyra says if you'll just give her a chance, she'll "do it". Not buying. Jaslene is spectacularly pretty, but her beauty shot doesn't live up to the judges' expectations. They think it looks like one of those mall beauty shots. She does know how to bring a fierce picture, though. Renee. Her commercial was great, and her photo is the best of the three. Still, she's got one foot in the grave, what with her being twenty and all. My, people are able to reach a ripe old twenty? Ah, the wonders of modern medicine! The judges reach a decision.
Commercials. Buy an expensive mobile texting machine so you and your friends can be immature dumbasses in perfect synchronicity.
Opera House -- #36. The girls are called back in. Jaslene is the first to be declared safe. Tyra asks her how it feels to be a finalist, when she didn't even get selected to be in Cycle 7. The answer? "Good. So, so good." Illuminating. Will Renee and Natasha please step forward? Renee is beautiful, and had a great commercial and picture. But Natasha... Natasha... Well, Natasha has pins stuck in all the right places on her judge dolls, so she gets her photo. WHAT THE FUCK EVER. Jaslene's jaw drops. Renee isn't able to keep a flicker of "Huh? How is that even possible?" off of her face. She recovers in time to give Natasha a hug. Tyra piles on the manure about why a girl who isn't pretty and can barely string a sentence together is going to the finals. Renee comes forward for her kiss-off. Tyra tells her to be proud of herself, and that she's fabulous. Renee hugs the girls good-bye on her way out, telling Natasha to "win this for the mamas". Ew, don't do that. She's completely blown away by her elimination, given that she had the best commercial and best picture. It sounds like sour grapes, but she's right. "You did the best, and you're eliminated" is crap. Opera House -- #37. She says she'd rather have wisdom in her eyes, and knowledge in head rather than being blank and stupid. Ha! Nice burn. Her portfolio is very good, and I'm still tinged with some residual surprise that this season's Bitch turned out to be someone I started to root for (not counting Melrose, who wasn't so much a Bitch as a "Bitch"). Ah, well. At least I don't have to dye my hair green. Back to the Future fadeout.
The next day. Jaslene and Natasha walk into a building, and are met by Carissa Rosenberg, who really needs more work to do around the Seventeen offices. The girls are there to shoot the cover that the eventual winner will have published. Hair and makeup. Jaslene interviews that she was surprised Natasha beat out Renee, saying if Natasha wins the competition, Jaslene will pull out all of her hair. I'll hold her down for you. Natasha interviews (Opera House -- #38) that... Let me see if I've got this down correctly. Winning will make her happy, and her baby wouldn't want an unhappy woman raising her. Therefore, we should just hand over the title to her now? Is that what she's saying? Arrrrgh! Why do so many people like this woman? There isn't much to say about the shoot, except the clothing and accessories (including some fake bling that reads "TOP", "MODEL", and "ANTM") are laughably ugly. Jaslene tears up as she says that her family would be proud of her making it this far. That's a wrap!
When the girls come back to the pad, Tyra is there to shove in some last minute Diet Oprah. Natasha freaks out when she sees Tyra, because it's not like she sees Tyra every twenty minutes or so. This is what truly sucks about Natasha making it to the final two. Not only do I now have to spend the next half hour worried that she'll win, but with only one other girl to focus on, she's always on-screen, annoying me. Tyra asks about her life in Russia. Natasha peddles a Little Matchstick Girl story about being in Moscow with nothing to her name. Tyra asks if she worries about resentment from the other girls about a Russian winning America's Next Top Model. Natasha says (and I agree) that she never got that sense from the other girls, because everyone pretty much takes for granted that America is a big melting pot, George Bush's immigration policies aside. Tyra advises her to relax her neck and face, and she'll be fine. Jaslene manages to greet Tyra without acting like she's meeting the Queen of England. Tyra asks her what she was thinking about when she wasn't picked for Cycle 7. Jaslene says she was wondering what she did wrong, then went to therapy to build her character and to learn to love herself. Thanks for sharing. Jaslene tells Tyra that this is her second chance, and that it has been a life-changing experience (a wise choice of words -- Tyra eats that shit up). She thanks Tyra for the opportunity, and Tyra gives her a hug before telling her she'll see her on the runway.
Opera House -- #39. The fashion show runway is constructed. The girls battle their way through a curtain to meet OJ. The curtain puts up a pretty good fight. Jaslene sees the runway, and is a little nervous, because as she interviews, it's not a flat line. It curves around, and it looks like there's a bit of an incline as well. Miss J demonstrates a quick walk, and OJ tells them the theme of the runway show is "evolution". They probably bleeped that out when they aired this in Kansas. CariDee, in her last bid for us to remember her past tonight (ain't gonna happen) will be leading off the show. The Jays tell the girls that on their first runway pass, they should hunch over, and generally look like cavewomen. I never would have thought cave-people would be having such a cultural renaissance this year, but jeez. They're everywhere! As the runway show progresses, the girls are free to straighten up and show the audience just how far humanity has come since Cro-Magnon days. I doubt cavewomen ever worried about bulimia. Miss J reminds them that this is the final challenge. Natasha's face splits into a "rock and roll!" expression that unhappily reminds me of Megg.
Suddenly, it's time for the show. Models get made up. Jaslene interviews that she won't let any strategy of Natasha's get to her. That current strategy seems to be warning Jaslene against falling on her ass out on the runway. Natasha interviews that the difference between Jaslene and herself is that Jaslene is more fierce, while Natasha is more exciting and fun. I object on both of those counts. Jaslene gears herself up, as does a certain building that will be visible in the background. Opera House -- #40. Tyra comes backstage, wearing a dress you last saw Great Aunt Bernice wear to Cousin Frederick's wake. She gives the girls some quick advice. Jaslene, don't act like a drag queen. Natasha, don't be stiff. See, it's tips like that that'll make these girls marketable models in no time! She gives them a double high-five, and leaves. The girls line up. Since this isn't Project Runway, I don't have to go into detail about the clothes, thank goodness. Especially since they're ugly. Even though the show was ostensibly supposed to be about the designers, it's Tyra who greets the audience, so this isn't so much a fashion show as a "fashion show". OJ gets ready to start the show. The girls look like they're about to hurl.
Commercials. Oh, yay. Another movie in which Robin Williams spazzes for two hours.
Opera House -- #41. The girls get ready. Jaslene interviews that she had an adrenaline rush over a shot of her looking like she's got anything but. The audience applauds as the lights go down. The show begins. CariDee hams it up in cavewoman mode. Jaslene and Natasha head out. Jaslene is more deliberate in her cavewoman walk, while Natasha whips around, perhaps as if to say "Watch out! Here comes a wooly mammoth!". The dramatic music helps disguise how boring the show actually is. Tyra leans over to Nigel and tells him Natasha is working it. "It" presumably being my last nerve. Opera House -- #42. The first pass now over, the girls are free to Model Stomp to their hearts' content. The Opera House, knowing that this is its last chance to be seen, throws itself into several of the shots. Opera House -- #43. Various girls walk in their ugly clothes. Natasha emerges. She interviews that she was focusing on her walk, but that her skirt was coming off. And come off it does. She doesn't even attempt to make a grab for it, but just lets it slide down, steps out of it, and keeps on walking. To her credit, she handles the situation very gracefully. Jaslene walks the runway. She voices-over that the experience was "surreal". Opera House -- #44-46.
It's Natasha's turn to go out, but her outfit isn't on yet, so OJ sends some random girl. When she finally goes, she voices-over that she was better than anyone else on the runway, but doesn't need to "yell and scream" about it. Well, sure. Soft-spoken arrogance is so much more attractive. Jaslene walks. She voices-over that she brings a "fierceness" to the runway that Natasha does not. Finale. All the girls walk. I cannot fathom a reason that "The 1812 Overture" should be playing in the background, but it is. The girls strike a final pose on some ladders. The clothing designers are seen for all of two seconds. Backstage, OJ pretends that it was an exciting show. Tyra comes back to congratulate the girls. Both of them think they can win. Natasha says she'll be a role model to millions of girls (*shiver*). Jaslene says she's not the girl next door, she's the girl "down the block, in your 'hood." Er. All right, then.
Opera House -- #47. Chamber of Doom. The girls enter, clutching hands. Something extremely weird is going on with Natasha's makeup. Prizes. Judges. OJ is joining the panel tonight. My fingers start to tense, as the dread of a possible Natasha victory comes to a head. She has the first individual evaluation. The judges love how she did on the runway, and how poised she was about the "craziness" backstage and the skirt snafu. Nigel says that while he loved her initial intensity, she started to lose it as the show went on. Shot of Natasha strutting in the finale, looking very bored. Jaslene's entrance is likened to the girls in the opening of a James Bond movie, though we never hear if that's good or bad in the judges' estimation. They think Jaslene didn't start very strong, but her performance built as the show went on. So essentially, Natasha was better at the beginning, and Jaslene was better at the end.
Now it's time to compare some of the photos the girls have taken over the season. Political stances. Advantage: Jaslene. Twiggy thinks it's one of Jaslene's best out of the whole season, while OJ says that he's surprised Natasha even made the cut that week. It's not that bad. Oh, here's one that is that bad. Back to School. Advantage: Jaslene. Natasha had no business surviving past this week. That photo of her is awful. Nigel defends her, of course, because her "desire to learn" is somehow an excuse for taking shitty pictures. Drag kings. Advantage: Natasha. The judges have no issue with either picture, but recall how fun Natasha was on the set that day. Because people reading magazines at home care about how fun the photo shoot was when they read an ad for mascara. Madonna vs. Whore photo. Twiggy prefers Natasha's whore photo. Nigel and Miss J prefer Jaslene's. In the madonna photo, Tyra recalls that Jaslene wasn't as fiery that day. Not that that has the slightest to do with the photograph, which is what they're supposed to be focusing on right now. Miss J likes Jaslene's arched feet. Nigel loves Natasha's madonna shot.
Tyra asks if there's anything they'd like to say before deliberations. Natasha is thankful for the opportunity. She says in Russian: "I'm happy that girls with accents made it to the final round". Jaslene calls it a life-changing experience, saying the judges have made her feel proud of herself. Not to be outdone in the foreign language department, she says in Spanish: "Thank you for this opportunity". The girls are dismissed.
Commercials. Guy on the street: "I don't just listen to music. I am music." Good, then I can fast-forward you.
Opera House -- #48. Deliberations. The judges love Natasha's face and personality, and Nigel likes how able she is to learn and improve. My heart seizes a little bit. Nigel likes Jaslene's pictures, but says she hasn't really improved over the course of the season. A historic moment happens, as OJ saves the day. He says Jaslene hasn't needed to improve like Natasha, because she came in with more natural ability. He points out that they've calmed the screaming, plastic-earring-wearing spaz Jaslene was when she tried out last season, and now she's far more sophisticated. Twiggy thinks Jaslene has taken some of the best pictures of the competition, though the judges aren't sure if she can be a commercial model. I'm not going into that crap again. Nigel thinks Jaslene did better on the runway. Tyra thinks Natasha did better on the runway. Miss J says that Natasha fizzled over the course of the show. Tyra says she loves them both, and doesn't know what the hell to do. The judges reach a decision.
The girls are called back in. Tyra tells them it was a long deliberation, and that they're both very strong, in part because of their ties to other cultures. They have big hearts. They have big souls. Blah, blah, blah. Get to the point! Tyra says that in the end, one of the girls was stronger, and will make all of the judges proud. I clutch LabRat's arm. America's. Next. Top. Model. Is...
Jaslene! Oh, thank the freaking heavens above. I immediately feel forty pounds lighter. Jaslene breaks down into tears, and hugs Natasha, then Tyra. Natasha comes forward for her good-bye hug. In her final interview, she says that it was an experience, and that she's happy to go home and see her family. I'm happy for you too, Natasha. Mostly about the "going home" part. Jaslene celebrates some more. She says her family believed in her dream. We see cute baby pictures of her. She says she didn't make it the first time she tried, but that all young women can still make it if they have drive and passion. She tells us she's the new Top Model in both English and Spanish (called it!), and screams in excitement. Final Back to the Future fadeout of all the girls except her. Whee!
Season post-mortem. Apparently, this has not been a very popular cycle. I've been reading a lot of blogs and articles that think this batch of girls was horrifically boring. I have to disagree. I think this was the best season in a while. I mean, it's all comparative, naturally. I won't be settling in with my grandkids on a snowy night in front of the fire to tell the tale of Jaslene's Great Victory or anything. But I feel like this season was far better than the bore of Cycle 6 or the bullshit of Cycle 7. The season's Bitch was refreshingly pretty and talented, even pulling off a rare redemption. The photo shoots were fairly creative; I really liked that crime scene photo one. The girls were mostly entertaining. The winner doesn't want to make me throw bricks at her every time she appears on-screen. All in all, thumbs up. I just wish I could have seen a shot or two of the Sydney Opera House. I feel deprived.
Overall Grade: B
Overall Season Grade: A-
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Monday, May 14, 2007
The Girl Who Doesn't Want To Dance
America's Next Top Model - Season 8, Episode 11
Previously on America's Next Top Model: During the go-sees, Brittany had trouble going, and the designers didn't want to see her. She pitched a huge fit, despite the fact that war rages in other countries. At the photo shoot, the girls had to sell a look to men, women, and OJ. Brittany's photos were strong as always, but the judges couldn't overlook the fact that nobody in the industry has any use for her, and she got booted. Let's hope she can remember her way back to the pad. Four girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening credits. You know you're in the home stretch of a season when the credits flash, and you're like, "Diana? She was one of the hefty ones, right?".
Sydney, Australia. Opera House -- #22. The girls drag themselves back to the pad. Brittany's on the bed, and asks "Where have you guys been? Who got eliminated?". OK, not really, but that would have been sweet. What the girls really find is Tyra Mail, which says something along the lines of the girl who wins needing soul, spirit, and heart. Natasha smiles, all "Well, I know who that is." Dionne has no idea what it means, and doesn't really care. Off to bed! Once tucked in, the girls hash out Brittany's elimination. Dionne interviews that she was in the bottom two with Brittany, and had no idea she was scowling at the camera so much until the judges brought it up. Renee giggles that the only time you know what's coming at panel is when the judges are eerily silent. Sepia-toned flashback to the judges making horrified faces. Except Miss J, who's always thinking "La la la, laaaa! La la dah dee dah!". The (inexplicably always full) moon rises, accompanied by a wolf howl. Goodness. Are the girls about to be stalked and eaten one by one? Go for Natasha first, wolves!
No such luck. The sun rises, and instead of being eaten by wolves, Natasha is giving her phone oral sex. It's as disgusting as it sounds. She coos to her husband and nuzzles the phone. Blech. The other girls are in the room, and are openly laughing at her. Natasha starts whimpering about what she's going to do to him when she gets home, and bleeeeeeeeeeeerugh. They censor swearing, but allow this? Renee interviews about how psycho Natasha is. Oh, yeah. Missing your husband? Swell. Giving your phone an STD? Gross. Natasha cheerfully interviews (Opera House -- #23) about how obsessed with her behavior the other girls are. Well, sure. Except she attributes this interest in her to them being intimidated by how great a model she is, and the real reason is that you have to keep a close eye on crazy people, so you can be prepared for their attack. The girls get themselves ready, then head out for the day. There's a split second where Renee and Jaslene tussle over closing the door. That was odd, but funny.
The girls are driven to the Royal National Park. Natasha watches the scenery out of the window, and there's a book clasped to her chest that looks an awful lot like "_____ for Dummies". "Phone Sex For Dummies"? "Unreasonable Self-Esteem For Dummies"? "Hypnotizing Reality Show Judges Into Thinking You Have A Modicum Of Modeling Ability For Dummies"? Unfortunately, we never see. The van pulls over, and the girls are led into the forest. Dionne interviews about how rainy, windy, and cold it is. As they trudge through the forest, Renee laughs at Natasha for wearing giant wedge heels, and tells her she's going to get really sick. So, a damp forest with improper footwear. If you're going to attack her, wolves, now's your best opportunity. Do it! Jaslene interviews about how stupid Natasha is for wearing those shoes. Well, I doubt she was told she'd be clomping through the forest, so let's stick to attacking her for things other than not being psychic, Jaslene. The girls reach a clearing, where an Aboriginal elder named Uncle Max introduces himself and his niece, Calita. So...no wolf attack, then? Damn. Calita has a black dress on, and there are white handprints pressed all over it, and white stripes painted on her cheeks, arms, and legs. Oh, looks like there's an entire group of Aboriginal girls and women, all dressed identically. They look super-cool. Calita says that Aboriginal history and culture is passed down orally, and through body art and dance.
Uncle Max introduces a story-through-dance, and says that the girls will then tell their own stories through dance. As the Aboriginal women dance, Renee interviews that models are storytellers of a sort, too. Dionne interviews that her first thought of "dance" is grinding at the club or something, but realizes that this is very different when she sees the Aboriginal women miming the act of gathering food. Actually, I think I have seen the Gathering Food dance at the clubs. Only the participants are standing much closer together than this. When the dance concludes, Calita tells the girls that their challenge today will be to tell their own stories with speech, body art, and movement. They will perform their dances for some local girls and for Carissa Rosenberg, who really has too much free time on her hands. Uncle Max gives the girls fifteen minutes to get ready. And...go! The girls wander into a nearby tent and sift through baskets of body paint. Renee describes the dresses they'll be wearing with horror, because flitting around an unbelievably cold forest in flimsy sundresses is not her idea of a good time. I can also report with some horror of my own that Natasha is wearing a red thong today. Painting montage.
Renee goes out first. The audience is an odd mix, from the girls in their Aboriginal gear to girls in school outfits to Carissa Rosenberg, who's dressed like she's walking down a Manhattan street in the opening credits of Sex and the City. Pick a hair color, Carissa. And take that stupid bow off your head. Renee introduces herself as NeNe (and let me just say NoNo to that), and begins her story. It's about her being abused as a child, but growing up with her four sisters and her mother to become a Unified Woman or some such thing. I hate to sound flip about her life's woes, but this challenge is weird. It seems to be designed to reward whichever girl comes up with the most hideously embarrassing story. To her credit, Renee delivers her talk in a strong voice, never hesitating, and augments it with sweeping arm movements. She finishes up, and the audience applauds, like, "Yay, abuse!". She moves off to the side so she can watch the others, and wraps up in a blanket. Jaslene's story is that she was misled into pain, agony, and suffering. Katie Holmes? She says she got out of the pain by following her dreams. Not that we ever hear any specific dreams or see a single body movement. One brave girl in the audience starts a slow clap, because nobody can tell that Jaslene's finished. Hahaha! Renee opens her blanket to allow Jaslene in. Dionne. She really doesn't want to dance out a story, saying she has no idea what the audience wants to hear. That didn't stop Jaslene. Just make some shit up! She says she never dances. Not even with her boyfriend. Jeez, what do she and her boyfriend do? I would be completely embarrassed to participate in this challenge, so I can understand her hesitation. Still, it's probably best to just suck it up, get out there, and try to get through it as quickly as possible.
Commercials. I wonder how that woman drove home in her giant taco costume.
Dionne, having somehow magically heard my advice, says she's just going to go out there, and whip through her "story" in twenty-five seconds. She doesn't do too badly, considering. She talks about her mom's paralysis and there are dots representing her family painted on her leg and such. It's not terrific, but at least it's a real story. The audience gives her golf claps. She happily flees to join the others. Yes, all three full-grown women can easily be wrapped in one blanket. Eat a sandwich! Natasha walks out holding two bits of tree branch that look like green pom-poms. As she begins, she interviews (Opera House -- #24) that she spoke quietly so that people would pay close attention. Because there's a fireworks display in another direction? What else would they be watching? Anyway, she whispers her story so softly, she needs subtitles. The audience and the other girls can't hear a damn word she says. Dionne interviews as much, making silent mouthing faces at the camera. Renee interviews that Natasha is sweet, but a few fries short of a Happy Meal. Hehe. Natasha naturally thinks she blew the challenge away. Oh, she blew all right.
The girls, now each with their own blanket, come and sit facing the audience. Carissa greets them, and tries to draw some weak parallel between Aboriginal stories and reading Seventeen. Yeah, I don't think so. With that out of the way, she reveals the challenge winner. Renee. Good, she deserves it. She gets to pick one friend to share in the prize, and she chooses Jaslene. Everyone claps. The girls head back to the city. When they enter the pad, they're met by a jewelry dealer. Renee and Jaslene have won pearl necklaces (*snicker* -- sorry), which is a mighty incongruous prize for a challenge having to do with folk stories. Hey, I guess Renee can pay off those bills now! All the girls are really impressed. Jaslene hugs Renee in gratitude. Dionne beats herself up for not trying harder at the challenge. She tells the other girls that she's at a point where she really just wants to go have some fun. What, being cramped in a house with a bunch of dramatic, skinny girls, then being forced into weirdass challenges so a panel of judges can yell at you isn't fun? Natasha opts out, because she's starting to feel a bit sick. Who would have thought that making Natasha dance around in frigid, wet weather in a tiny dress could make her sick? Renee sure called that one. She advises Natasha to inhale some steam, and gives her a quick hug. Dionne, Renee, and Jaslene get dressed up (the latter two in their pearls, of course), and head out. Natasha burrows under the covers.
Sydney at night. Opera House -- #25. Thought I'd miss that quick shot, editors? Guess what? I've got a pause button! Mwahahahaha! The girls settle in at a bar. Jaslene is glad that Natasha didn't come, because she finds her annoying. Ooh, here we go. One of the pack has been separated from the girl herd. Time to trash talk her! As the girls suck on slices of lemon or orange (probably their entire dinner), Renee tells the others to really bring it at the photo shoot, because they all want Natasha to be eliminated. You can count me in with that, ladies. Unfortunately, I want them to hate her because she's unattractive, overrated, and annoying, but what they really hate about her is that they feel she must be lying about something. You guessed it -- Natasha isn't "real". Renee says she's never seen Natasha's wedding ring, nor a picture of her husband or child. Therefore, she made both of them up? These are some dumbass accusations. Natasha knows (though I doubt this interview was taken at the time it's being shown) that the girls are nice to her face, but talk about her. She says she doesn't let their "jealousy" faze her. Ah, yes. "People dislike me because they're jealous." An idea so laughably trite and hackneyed, it's in the heading of this very blog. When the other girls get back, Tyra Mail awaits. It reads "Sorry girls, you're history!!". The girls don't even feel like trying to puzzle it out, and head for bed. Morning. Opera House -- #26. Jaslene irons a dress. Come do my dress shirts, Jaslene. Natasha blows her nose. She still feels horrible. She interviews (Opera House -- #27) that she has "the stuffed nose" and "the sore throat". Hehe. In Soviet Russia, cold catches you! She's scared that her sickness will hamper her in today's photo shoot, which she really can't afford.
Commercials. Ads for tampons and bras. Hey, men watch this show too!
The van drops the girls off to meet a sickeningly cheerful OJ for the photo shoot, probably at the same park they were in yesterday. He tells the girls that for today's photo shoot, they'll be working with the Ngemba tribe, and each girl will be assigned a specific story. They'll have to act out that story for the photo. Renee's working another head scarf. OJ introduces today's photographer, Kane. What's with Aussie photographers and their jaunty hats? Dionne is hilariously nonplussed to learn that they'll be doing another dance. Makeup montage. Natasha looks like death warmed over.
Jaslene is up first at the photo shoot. The tribeswomen teach her the Dance of the Red-Breasted Robin. Really, learning the dance is entirely pointless, because the girls aren't really doing anything but striking a pose. Granted, the pose is from the dance, but being able to accurately perform the dance has nothing to do with getting a good shot. The tribeswomen are in the photo with Jaslene, and the group of them together looks really good. OJ thinks she does a great job, though he cautions her about looking up too much, which emphasizes her nostrils. Next up is Dionne, whose dance is the Food Gathering Dance. OJ warns her at the outset not to scowl at the camera. The shoot doesn't go very well. OJ interviews that she always looks too controlling when she steps in front of the camera, and still needs way too much coaching.
Natasha's dance (Opera House -- #27) is about the... Wiggidy-Wack Tail Bird? If not, I'm leaving it like that, because that visual is far too funny. She begins posing, and -- how can I put this politely -- sucks hot, fried ass. OJ comes over, and basically orders her to put aside her sickness so she can get a great shot. After all, Tyra has triumphed over illness (natch), so Natasha should be able to. Well, sure. Just tell your nose to stop running, and your lungs to stop going into spasms. Natasha wishes she could just go back to bed. Her poses never get any better. I feel sorry for her getting criticized for not having the power to beat a sickness into submission for OJ's convenience, but honestly, anything that may help get her eliminated is cool with me. Renee's dance is the Flight of the Butterfly. She manages to strike some nice, angular poses for her photos. OJ is impressed. Renee is pleased. The girls head back to the pad.
Tyra Mail! Someone's getting eliminated. Natasha heads for the confessional. Her sickness must be worse than I thought, because she's deluded herself into thinking she did a great job at the photo shoot. Ugh. I'm going to be so pissed if she wins the season. Plus, there would be the added torture of having to watch her "My Life As A CoverGirl" ads all next season. I mean, we're still not rid of CariDee. Renee interviews that if Natasha uses her sickness as an excuse, the judges will "eat her alive", because plenty of girls have been sick, and have still gotten good photos. I love how a girl is either "sick" or "not sick". There's no consideration for degree. A girl has a cold? A girl has food poisoning? A girl is dehydrated? A girl has been infected with the disease in The Stand? Whatever, she's just "sick". Work through it! Smile pretty as the virus eats your pancreas!
Commercials. I know the meaning could change based on comma placement, but the itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini should have yellow polka dots. Not be a yellow bikini with red polka dots. That's just plain silly.
Opera House -- #28. We enter the Chamber of Doom on pictures of Tyra as an Aboriginal woman. They're so-so. She's wearing a remarkably ugly dress at panel. Prizes. Judges. Tonight's guest judge is Carissa Rosenberg, who's wearing another hair accessory she's too old for. Carissa, you work at Seventeen. You're not actually seventeen. Let's get to the evaluations. Dionne is first. Her food-gatherer shot is OK. For once, I actually like it a bit less than Tyra does. Carissa notes a lack of fire in Dionne's eyes. Yes, it's the age-old "[Model], stop doing [behavior] in your photos!" -- two weeks later -- "How come you don't [behavior] anymore?" Tyra thinks Dionne actually went too far in trying to break out of her mean rut, and looks overly cheerful instead, which could not be more demonstrably false. She reads OJ's notes about how much coaching she still needs.
Crap, it looks like my hope that we'd get through an entire season without those stupid final judging tests has just been crushed. The final test is to say which of the girls has the most modeling potential, and which has the least. This has been asked before, and while it sounds like an opinion question, there is, in fact, a "correct" answer. You should always select yourself as having the most potential. It doesn't matter what you really think, it doesn't matter how great or how horrible you are, and it doesn't matter what the judges have been telling you for the past three months. If you don't choose yourself, the judges will nail you to the wall for "lack of confidence" or some such twaddle. Dionne, who has apparently never watched this show before, chooses Jaslene for her striking appearance and good personality. Asked for who has the least potential, Dionne chooses Natasha. Natasha blinks a lot and smiles, thinking "Yeah, big surprise." Dionne's reasoning is that there's something "missing" in Natasha's personality.
Jaslene. Her photo is good, and is helped along by the fact that the Aboriginal women in the background look great, too. Nigel says he likes it, but brings up the fact that Jaslene always seems to give the same face to the camera. It's true. Of course, let's line up all the Tyra shots we've seen as we enter the Chamber of Doom this season and see what he says then. Tyra tells her she needs to figure out how to work more than one look, and somehow avoids being struck by lightning. Jaslene just nods. She knows the trap the judges have laid for her, and "correctly" answers that she has the most modeling potential. She also chooses Natasha for least potential, saying that she comes off as "phony". Renee. Her challenge win is brought up, and her Dance of the Butterfly shot is great. Twiggy finds it evocative, Nigel appreciates how she found the light, and Carissa tells her that she looks strong and "pops". Tyra tells her she had the most variety in her poses. Renee successfully avoids the judging trap, and also chooses Natasha for the least potential, saying she's beautiful, but "plays games" and that there's something lacking in her personality.
Natasha. Her photo is poor, though nowhere near as bad as I was expecting it to be. Carissa tells her she looks awkward and uncomfortable. Tyra tells her the majority of her shots were worse than the ones in the first week. She knows that Natasha has been sick, but says that illness doesn't explain the awkwardness of Natasha's poses. Natasha pretty much says that it took all of her strength just to show up at the shoot, leaving the "so fuck off, bitch" silent, but palpable. She easily avoids the judging trap, and says that she appreciates the critiques of the other girls, and still wants to be their friend. I really don't like her, but that was a genius move to pull. Once you know how Tyra functions, she's easily manipulated, and saying something akin to "Oh, I don't mind that the other girls bully me" is almost guaranteed to bring out Tyra's Diet Oprah caring facade. Twiggy says she's shocked by the other girls' comments, because Natasha's so warm and funny. She senses jealousy on the other girls' parts. Wow, am I sick of the argument that the only reason you wouldn't like Natasha is because you're so envious of her beauty. There are a hundred reasons to dislike Natasha, so shut up, Twiggy. Also, you spend three minutes a week with Natasha. Jaslene, Renee, and Dionne spend every waking minute with her. I think I'll take their assessment of her personality over yours. Natasha says that were Gisele standing behind her, she'd pick her for least potential because she knows Gisele would be her strongest competition. Note that the judges never make her give a real answer to that part of the question. If Natasha never pegs one of the actual girls as having the least modeling potential, then nobody can claim she's the jealous one. How handy. The girls are dismissed.
Commercials. If you want to eat health food, McDonald's should totally be your first stop.
Opera House -- #29. The girls are in the holding room while the judges deliberate. It's suitably awkward. Natasha tells the others that she truly wishes them luck. They're not buying. Jaslene tries to explain (poorly -- I can't understand a word she's saying) about how Natasha comes off as fake. Natasha doesn't understand either, and Jaslene clarifies that she doesn't dislike Natasha because she's jealous or threatened by her. Renee and Dionne just look at each other, like "Can you believe this shit?". Deliberations. Twiggy thinks that Dionne's shot is good, but hers have consistently been the weakest throughout the competition. I assume she means among these four girls. And she's full of crap. Carissa doesn't think she comes off as a model. Tyra brings up the fact that Dionne didn't choose herself for having the most potential, which is as damning as it was in other seasons. It's times like this that if I took this show at all seriously, I'd want to put a brick through the screen. This is why you just have to let Top Model wash over you. If you look for logic and consistency, you'll just wind up suicidal. Jaslene always has strong photographs, but is one-note. Tyra rather unkindly says that the competition is Jaslene's whole life, and if she's eliminated, she'll stalk Miss J or something. Renee's photograph is strong, but isn't the freshest face on the block. Tyra brings up the Accusing Circle, and wonders why all the girls are against Natasha this week. Because she sucks? No, it's because everyone in the world, including you, me, and the guy who sells you Skittles are all JEALOUS of her. Speaking of Natasha, her photo was awful, but she dealt with criticism well.
Elimination. The first girl declared safe is Renee, unsurprisingly. She's closely followed by Jaslene. Jaslene is relieved, because she thought she'd be in the bottom two. Tyra asks why, and Jaslene says she hasn't "brung" the different expression that the judges have asked for. Tyra makes fun of her grammar, and again somehow manages to avoid being struck by lightning. God's really asleep at the switch tonight. Will Dionne and Natasha please step forward? Dionne has been steadily improving, but not smoothly. Plus, she didn't have the good sense to make up a bunch of bullshit for her judging test. Natasha has also been steadily improving, but had a horrible week. Tyra says the "sick thing" is the oldest Top Model story, and the judges are "over it". How thoughtful of her to blame Natasha, when the sickness would never have happened, but for the conditions at the Aboriginal dance challenge. Guess whose fault that is, Tyra? Luckily for Natasha, everyone in the history of mankind, real or imagined, from Moses to Pythagoras to Ruth Bader Ginsburg is just JEALOUS of her all-encompassing beauty, so she gets her photo. Renee's face: "Fuck that shit."
Natasha hugs Dionne, who most emphatically does not hug her back. As Natasha steps forward to accept her photo, Tyra tells her this competition is not about having one bad photo shoot and being sent home, but rather about a body of work. Really? Let's ask Felicia what she thinks about that. Tyra tells Natasha that the sick thing isn't going to fly in final three, so she'd better pull her head out of her ass. Dionne comes forward for a hug. Tyra tells her to go take everything that she's learned on the show and use it to her advantage, rather than waiting for people to tell her what to do. Yeah, what does she think she is, a model? Dionne heads over to hug the other girls. Even Natasha. In her final interview, she says she's disappointed, but really did try and do her best. Going home will be a big change, and she's going to miss a lot of things about the competition. A bunch of her stuff falls to the floor as she tries to pack. Her portfolio is really good. She voices-over that she's glad to have the opportunity to do something that other people can't normally do, and that she's proud of herself. Aw. Though some of the luster had worn off, I can't deny that Dionne rocked my world for a really long stretch. I'm bummed that she's going. Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Final three! Then final two! Then final one!
Overall Grade: C+
Previously on America's Next Top Model: During the go-sees, Brittany had trouble going, and the designers didn't want to see her. She pitched a huge fit, despite the fact that war rages in other countries. At the photo shoot, the girls had to sell a look to men, women, and OJ. Brittany's photos were strong as always, but the judges couldn't overlook the fact that nobody in the industry has any use for her, and she got booted. Let's hope she can remember her way back to the pad. Four girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening credits. You know you're in the home stretch of a season when the credits flash, and you're like, "Diana? She was one of the hefty ones, right?".
Sydney, Australia. Opera House -- #22. The girls drag themselves back to the pad. Brittany's on the bed, and asks "Where have you guys been? Who got eliminated?". OK, not really, but that would have been sweet. What the girls really find is Tyra Mail, which says something along the lines of the girl who wins needing soul, spirit, and heart. Natasha smiles, all "Well, I know who that is." Dionne has no idea what it means, and doesn't really care. Off to bed! Once tucked in, the girls hash out Brittany's elimination. Dionne interviews that she was in the bottom two with Brittany, and had no idea she was scowling at the camera so much until the judges brought it up. Renee giggles that the only time you know what's coming at panel is when the judges are eerily silent. Sepia-toned flashback to the judges making horrified faces. Except Miss J, who's always thinking "La la la, laaaa! La la dah dee dah!". The (inexplicably always full) moon rises, accompanied by a wolf howl. Goodness. Are the girls about to be stalked and eaten one by one? Go for Natasha first, wolves!
No such luck. The sun rises, and instead of being eaten by wolves, Natasha is giving her phone oral sex. It's as disgusting as it sounds. She coos to her husband and nuzzles the phone. Blech. The other girls are in the room, and are openly laughing at her. Natasha starts whimpering about what she's going to do to him when she gets home, and bleeeeeeeeeeeerugh. They censor swearing, but allow this? Renee interviews about how psycho Natasha is. Oh, yeah. Missing your husband? Swell. Giving your phone an STD? Gross. Natasha cheerfully interviews (Opera House -- #23) about how obsessed with her behavior the other girls are. Well, sure. Except she attributes this interest in her to them being intimidated by how great a model she is, and the real reason is that you have to keep a close eye on crazy people, so you can be prepared for their attack. The girls get themselves ready, then head out for the day. There's a split second where Renee and Jaslene tussle over closing the door. That was odd, but funny.
The girls are driven to the Royal National Park. Natasha watches the scenery out of the window, and there's a book clasped to her chest that looks an awful lot like "_____ for Dummies". "Phone Sex For Dummies"? "Unreasonable Self-Esteem For Dummies"? "Hypnotizing Reality Show Judges Into Thinking You Have A Modicum Of Modeling Ability For Dummies"? Unfortunately, we never see. The van pulls over, and the girls are led into the forest. Dionne interviews about how rainy, windy, and cold it is. As they trudge through the forest, Renee laughs at Natasha for wearing giant wedge heels, and tells her she's going to get really sick. So, a damp forest with improper footwear. If you're going to attack her, wolves, now's your best opportunity. Do it! Jaslene interviews about how stupid Natasha is for wearing those shoes. Well, I doubt she was told she'd be clomping through the forest, so let's stick to attacking her for things other than not being psychic, Jaslene. The girls reach a clearing, where an Aboriginal elder named Uncle Max introduces himself and his niece, Calita. So...no wolf attack, then? Damn. Calita has a black dress on, and there are white handprints pressed all over it, and white stripes painted on her cheeks, arms, and legs. Oh, looks like there's an entire group of Aboriginal girls and women, all dressed identically. They look super-cool. Calita says that Aboriginal history and culture is passed down orally, and through body art and dance.
Uncle Max introduces a story-through-dance, and says that the girls will then tell their own stories through dance. As the Aboriginal women dance, Renee interviews that models are storytellers of a sort, too. Dionne interviews that her first thought of "dance" is grinding at the club or something, but realizes that this is very different when she sees the Aboriginal women miming the act of gathering food. Actually, I think I have seen the Gathering Food dance at the clubs. Only the participants are standing much closer together than this. When the dance concludes, Calita tells the girls that their challenge today will be to tell their own stories with speech, body art, and movement. They will perform their dances for some local girls and for Carissa Rosenberg, who really has too much free time on her hands. Uncle Max gives the girls fifteen minutes to get ready. And...go! The girls wander into a nearby tent and sift through baskets of body paint. Renee describes the dresses they'll be wearing with horror, because flitting around an unbelievably cold forest in flimsy sundresses is not her idea of a good time. I can also report with some horror of my own that Natasha is wearing a red thong today. Painting montage.
Renee goes out first. The audience is an odd mix, from the girls in their Aboriginal gear to girls in school outfits to Carissa Rosenberg, who's dressed like she's walking down a Manhattan street in the opening credits of Sex and the City. Pick a hair color, Carissa. And take that stupid bow off your head. Renee introduces herself as NeNe (and let me just say NoNo to that), and begins her story. It's about her being abused as a child, but growing up with her four sisters and her mother to become a Unified Woman or some such thing. I hate to sound flip about her life's woes, but this challenge is weird. It seems to be designed to reward whichever girl comes up with the most hideously embarrassing story. To her credit, Renee delivers her talk in a strong voice, never hesitating, and augments it with sweeping arm movements. She finishes up, and the audience applauds, like, "Yay, abuse!". She moves off to the side so she can watch the others, and wraps up in a blanket. Jaslene's story is that she was misled into pain, agony, and suffering. Katie Holmes? She says she got out of the pain by following her dreams. Not that we ever hear any specific dreams or see a single body movement. One brave girl in the audience starts a slow clap, because nobody can tell that Jaslene's finished. Hahaha! Renee opens her blanket to allow Jaslene in. Dionne. She really doesn't want to dance out a story, saying she has no idea what the audience wants to hear. That didn't stop Jaslene. Just make some shit up! She says she never dances. Not even with her boyfriend. Jeez, what do she and her boyfriend do? I would be completely embarrassed to participate in this challenge, so I can understand her hesitation. Still, it's probably best to just suck it up, get out there, and try to get through it as quickly as possible.
Commercials. I wonder how that woman drove home in her giant taco costume.
Dionne, having somehow magically heard my advice, says she's just going to go out there, and whip through her "story" in twenty-five seconds. She doesn't do too badly, considering. She talks about her mom's paralysis and there are dots representing her family painted on her leg and such. It's not terrific, but at least it's a real story. The audience gives her golf claps. She happily flees to join the others. Yes, all three full-grown women can easily be wrapped in one blanket. Eat a sandwich! Natasha walks out holding two bits of tree branch that look like green pom-poms. As she begins, she interviews (Opera House -- #24) that she spoke quietly so that people would pay close attention. Because there's a fireworks display in another direction? What else would they be watching? Anyway, she whispers her story so softly, she needs subtitles. The audience and the other girls can't hear a damn word she says. Dionne interviews as much, making silent mouthing faces at the camera. Renee interviews that Natasha is sweet, but a few fries short of a Happy Meal. Hehe. Natasha naturally thinks she blew the challenge away. Oh, she blew all right.
The girls, now each with their own blanket, come and sit facing the audience. Carissa greets them, and tries to draw some weak parallel between Aboriginal stories and reading Seventeen. Yeah, I don't think so. With that out of the way, she reveals the challenge winner. Renee. Good, she deserves it. She gets to pick one friend to share in the prize, and she chooses Jaslene. Everyone claps. The girls head back to the city. When they enter the pad, they're met by a jewelry dealer. Renee and Jaslene have won pearl necklaces (*snicker* -- sorry), which is a mighty incongruous prize for a challenge having to do with folk stories. Hey, I guess Renee can pay off those bills now! All the girls are really impressed. Jaslene hugs Renee in gratitude. Dionne beats herself up for not trying harder at the challenge. She tells the other girls that she's at a point where she really just wants to go have some fun. What, being cramped in a house with a bunch of dramatic, skinny girls, then being forced into weirdass challenges so a panel of judges can yell at you isn't fun? Natasha opts out, because she's starting to feel a bit sick. Who would have thought that making Natasha dance around in frigid, wet weather in a tiny dress could make her sick? Renee sure called that one. She advises Natasha to inhale some steam, and gives her a quick hug. Dionne, Renee, and Jaslene get dressed up (the latter two in their pearls, of course), and head out. Natasha burrows under the covers.
Sydney at night. Opera House -- #25. Thought I'd miss that quick shot, editors? Guess what? I've got a pause button! Mwahahahaha! The girls settle in at a bar. Jaslene is glad that Natasha didn't come, because she finds her annoying. Ooh, here we go. One of the pack has been separated from the girl herd. Time to trash talk her! As the girls suck on slices of lemon or orange (probably their entire dinner), Renee tells the others to really bring it at the photo shoot, because they all want Natasha to be eliminated. You can count me in with that, ladies. Unfortunately, I want them to hate her because she's unattractive, overrated, and annoying, but what they really hate about her is that they feel she must be lying about something. You guessed it -- Natasha isn't "real". Renee says she's never seen Natasha's wedding ring, nor a picture of her husband or child. Therefore, she made both of them up? These are some dumbass accusations. Natasha knows (though I doubt this interview was taken at the time it's being shown) that the girls are nice to her face, but talk about her. She says she doesn't let their "jealousy" faze her. Ah, yes. "People dislike me because they're jealous." An idea so laughably trite and hackneyed, it's in the heading of this very blog. When the other girls get back, Tyra Mail awaits. It reads "Sorry girls, you're history!!". The girls don't even feel like trying to puzzle it out, and head for bed. Morning. Opera House -- #26. Jaslene irons a dress. Come do my dress shirts, Jaslene. Natasha blows her nose. She still feels horrible. She interviews (Opera House -- #27) that she has "the stuffed nose" and "the sore throat". Hehe. In Soviet Russia, cold catches you! She's scared that her sickness will hamper her in today's photo shoot, which she really can't afford.
Commercials. Ads for tampons and bras. Hey, men watch this show too!
The van drops the girls off to meet a sickeningly cheerful OJ for the photo shoot, probably at the same park they were in yesterday. He tells the girls that for today's photo shoot, they'll be working with the Ngemba tribe, and each girl will be assigned a specific story. They'll have to act out that story for the photo. Renee's working another head scarf. OJ introduces today's photographer, Kane. What's with Aussie photographers and their jaunty hats? Dionne is hilariously nonplussed to learn that they'll be doing another dance. Makeup montage. Natasha looks like death warmed over.
Jaslene is up first at the photo shoot. The tribeswomen teach her the Dance of the Red-Breasted Robin. Really, learning the dance is entirely pointless, because the girls aren't really doing anything but striking a pose. Granted, the pose is from the dance, but being able to accurately perform the dance has nothing to do with getting a good shot. The tribeswomen are in the photo with Jaslene, and the group of them together looks really good. OJ thinks she does a great job, though he cautions her about looking up too much, which emphasizes her nostrils. Next up is Dionne, whose dance is the Food Gathering Dance. OJ warns her at the outset not to scowl at the camera. The shoot doesn't go very well. OJ interviews that she always looks too controlling when she steps in front of the camera, and still needs way too much coaching.
Natasha's dance (Opera House -- #27) is about the... Wiggidy-Wack Tail Bird? If not, I'm leaving it like that, because that visual is far too funny. She begins posing, and -- how can I put this politely -- sucks hot, fried ass. OJ comes over, and basically orders her to put aside her sickness so she can get a great shot. After all, Tyra has triumphed over illness (natch), so Natasha should be able to. Well, sure. Just tell your nose to stop running, and your lungs to stop going into spasms. Natasha wishes she could just go back to bed. Her poses never get any better. I feel sorry for her getting criticized for not having the power to beat a sickness into submission for OJ's convenience, but honestly, anything that may help get her eliminated is cool with me. Renee's dance is the Flight of the Butterfly. She manages to strike some nice, angular poses for her photos. OJ is impressed. Renee is pleased. The girls head back to the pad.
Tyra Mail! Someone's getting eliminated. Natasha heads for the confessional. Her sickness must be worse than I thought, because she's deluded herself into thinking she did a great job at the photo shoot. Ugh. I'm going to be so pissed if she wins the season. Plus, there would be the added torture of having to watch her "My Life As A CoverGirl" ads all next season. I mean, we're still not rid of CariDee. Renee interviews that if Natasha uses her sickness as an excuse, the judges will "eat her alive", because plenty of girls have been sick, and have still gotten good photos. I love how a girl is either "sick" or "not sick". There's no consideration for degree. A girl has a cold? A girl has food poisoning? A girl is dehydrated? A girl has been infected with the disease in The Stand? Whatever, she's just "sick". Work through it! Smile pretty as the virus eats your pancreas!
Commercials. I know the meaning could change based on comma placement, but the itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini should have yellow polka dots. Not be a yellow bikini with red polka dots. That's just plain silly.
Opera House -- #28. We enter the Chamber of Doom on pictures of Tyra as an Aboriginal woman. They're so-so. She's wearing a remarkably ugly dress at panel. Prizes. Judges. Tonight's guest judge is Carissa Rosenberg, who's wearing another hair accessory she's too old for. Carissa, you work at Seventeen. You're not actually seventeen. Let's get to the evaluations. Dionne is first. Her food-gatherer shot is OK. For once, I actually like it a bit less than Tyra does. Carissa notes a lack of fire in Dionne's eyes. Yes, it's the age-old "[Model], stop doing [behavior] in your photos!" -- two weeks later -- "How come you don't [behavior] anymore?" Tyra thinks Dionne actually went too far in trying to break out of her mean rut, and looks overly cheerful instead, which could not be more demonstrably false. She reads OJ's notes about how much coaching she still needs.
Crap, it looks like my hope that we'd get through an entire season without those stupid final judging tests has just been crushed. The final test is to say which of the girls has the most modeling potential, and which has the least. This has been asked before, and while it sounds like an opinion question, there is, in fact, a "correct" answer. You should always select yourself as having the most potential. It doesn't matter what you really think, it doesn't matter how great or how horrible you are, and it doesn't matter what the judges have been telling you for the past three months. If you don't choose yourself, the judges will nail you to the wall for "lack of confidence" or some such twaddle. Dionne, who has apparently never watched this show before, chooses Jaslene for her striking appearance and good personality. Asked for who has the least potential, Dionne chooses Natasha. Natasha blinks a lot and smiles, thinking "Yeah, big surprise." Dionne's reasoning is that there's something "missing" in Natasha's personality.
Jaslene. Her photo is good, and is helped along by the fact that the Aboriginal women in the background look great, too. Nigel says he likes it, but brings up the fact that Jaslene always seems to give the same face to the camera. It's true. Of course, let's line up all the Tyra shots we've seen as we enter the Chamber of Doom this season and see what he says then. Tyra tells her she needs to figure out how to work more than one look, and somehow avoids being struck by lightning. Jaslene just nods. She knows the trap the judges have laid for her, and "correctly" answers that she has the most modeling potential. She also chooses Natasha for least potential, saying that she comes off as "phony". Renee. Her challenge win is brought up, and her Dance of the Butterfly shot is great. Twiggy finds it evocative, Nigel appreciates how she found the light, and Carissa tells her that she looks strong and "pops". Tyra tells her she had the most variety in her poses. Renee successfully avoids the judging trap, and also chooses Natasha for the least potential, saying she's beautiful, but "plays games" and that there's something lacking in her personality.
Natasha. Her photo is poor, though nowhere near as bad as I was expecting it to be. Carissa tells her she looks awkward and uncomfortable. Tyra tells her the majority of her shots were worse than the ones in the first week. She knows that Natasha has been sick, but says that illness doesn't explain the awkwardness of Natasha's poses. Natasha pretty much says that it took all of her strength just to show up at the shoot, leaving the "so fuck off, bitch" silent, but palpable. She easily avoids the judging trap, and says that she appreciates the critiques of the other girls, and still wants to be their friend. I really don't like her, but that was a genius move to pull. Once you know how Tyra functions, she's easily manipulated, and saying something akin to "Oh, I don't mind that the other girls bully me" is almost guaranteed to bring out Tyra's Diet Oprah caring facade. Twiggy says she's shocked by the other girls' comments, because Natasha's so warm and funny. She senses jealousy on the other girls' parts. Wow, am I sick of the argument that the only reason you wouldn't like Natasha is because you're so envious of her beauty. There are a hundred reasons to dislike Natasha, so shut up, Twiggy. Also, you spend three minutes a week with Natasha. Jaslene, Renee, and Dionne spend every waking minute with her. I think I'll take their assessment of her personality over yours. Natasha says that were Gisele standing behind her, she'd pick her for least potential because she knows Gisele would be her strongest competition. Note that the judges never make her give a real answer to that part of the question. If Natasha never pegs one of the actual girls as having the least modeling potential, then nobody can claim she's the jealous one. How handy. The girls are dismissed.
Commercials. If you want to eat health food, McDonald's should totally be your first stop.
Opera House -- #29. The girls are in the holding room while the judges deliberate. It's suitably awkward. Natasha tells the others that she truly wishes them luck. They're not buying. Jaslene tries to explain (poorly -- I can't understand a word she's saying) about how Natasha comes off as fake. Natasha doesn't understand either, and Jaslene clarifies that she doesn't dislike Natasha because she's jealous or threatened by her. Renee and Dionne just look at each other, like "Can you believe this shit?". Deliberations. Twiggy thinks that Dionne's shot is good, but hers have consistently been the weakest throughout the competition. I assume she means among these four girls. And she's full of crap. Carissa doesn't think she comes off as a model. Tyra brings up the fact that Dionne didn't choose herself for having the most potential, which is as damning as it was in other seasons. It's times like this that if I took this show at all seriously, I'd want to put a brick through the screen. This is why you just have to let Top Model wash over you. If you look for logic and consistency, you'll just wind up suicidal. Jaslene always has strong photographs, but is one-note. Tyra rather unkindly says that the competition is Jaslene's whole life, and if she's eliminated, she'll stalk Miss J or something. Renee's photograph is strong, but isn't the freshest face on the block. Tyra brings up the Accusing Circle, and wonders why all the girls are against Natasha this week. Because she sucks? No, it's because everyone in the world, including you, me, and the guy who sells you Skittles are all JEALOUS of her. Speaking of Natasha, her photo was awful, but she dealt with criticism well.
Elimination. The first girl declared safe is Renee, unsurprisingly. She's closely followed by Jaslene. Jaslene is relieved, because she thought she'd be in the bottom two. Tyra asks why, and Jaslene says she hasn't "brung" the different expression that the judges have asked for. Tyra makes fun of her grammar, and again somehow manages to avoid being struck by lightning. God's really asleep at the switch tonight. Will Dionne and Natasha please step forward? Dionne has been steadily improving, but not smoothly. Plus, she didn't have the good sense to make up a bunch of bullshit for her judging test. Natasha has also been steadily improving, but had a horrible week. Tyra says the "sick thing" is the oldest Top Model story, and the judges are "over it". How thoughtful of her to blame Natasha, when the sickness would never have happened, but for the conditions at the Aboriginal dance challenge. Guess whose fault that is, Tyra? Luckily for Natasha, everyone in the history of mankind, real or imagined, from Moses to Pythagoras to Ruth Bader Ginsburg is just JEALOUS of her all-encompassing beauty, so she gets her photo. Renee's face: "Fuck that shit."
Natasha hugs Dionne, who most emphatically does not hug her back. As Natasha steps forward to accept her photo, Tyra tells her this competition is not about having one bad photo shoot and being sent home, but rather about a body of work. Really? Let's ask Felicia what she thinks about that. Tyra tells Natasha that the sick thing isn't going to fly in final three, so she'd better pull her head out of her ass. Dionne comes forward for a hug. Tyra tells her to go take everything that she's learned on the show and use it to her advantage, rather than waiting for people to tell her what to do. Yeah, what does she think she is, a model? Dionne heads over to hug the other girls. Even Natasha. In her final interview, she says she's disappointed, but really did try and do her best. Going home will be a big change, and she's going to miss a lot of things about the competition. A bunch of her stuff falls to the floor as she tries to pack. Her portfolio is really good. She voices-over that she's glad to have the opportunity to do something that other people can't normally do, and that she's proud of herself. Aw. Though some of the luster had worn off, I can't deny that Dionne rocked my world for a really long stretch. I'm bummed that she's going. Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Final three! Then final two! Then final one!
Overall Grade: C+
Monday, May 07, 2007
The Girl Who Blames the Taxi Driver
America's Next Top Model - Season 8, Episode 10
Previously on America's Next Top Model: The girls were shipped off to Sydney, but mean American ladies who diss your fashion choices aren't so easy to escape. Are they, Brittany? Speaking of Brittany, her Memory Issue conveniently surfaced just in time to give her a ready excuse for sucking at her CoverGirl commercial. Even more of a security blanket was Jael, who is many things, but capable spokesmodel is not among them. Jael got eliminated, and now there's nobody left to spread joy to the universe. Five girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening credits. The one good thing about this show being preceded by Everybody Except Limecrete Loves Raymond is that the "Where's Lunch" production company gives me a different plate of food plonked down on the table each week. Yay, fried cheese sticks!
Sydney, Australia. Opera House -- #11. On the way back to the Aussie pad after last week's elimination, the girls express amazement that they're in the final five. We're completely through the looking glass, as Renee says that it's going to be weird in the house without Jael, because she was the one that was so much fun all the time. Renee goes on to interview that Brittany used her Memory Issue as a crutch at panel (sepia-toned flashback), so it was unfair that Jael got cut. Brittany interviews (Opera House -- #12) that Jael knew she was going home, because Brittany tended to do better at photo shoots. Well, let's not forget that half the panel kind of hated Jael anyway. That probably figured into it. Back at the pad, Jael Mail awaits. And not just one, but a Jael Mail for each girl. Aw. Natasha's reads "You are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen". Awwwww. Renee's reads "When you win, will you loan me $1000 to pay my rent?". Hah! See, this is why Jael shouldn't have been eliminated. Or at least she should pop up on-screen periodically, like those people who used to interpret sign language for deaf audiences. Brittany's mail says something about Jael being willing to sacrifice herself so that Brittany could continue. We don't hear Dionne's or Jaslene's, which is probably for the better. Jaslene's was probably along the lines of, "So. You're...Jaslene, right? I think I remember sharing a house with you." Dionne interviews that Brittany should have gotten cut, because her Memory Issue sure didn't seem to be bothering her in the acting challenge. Thank you! Dionne is sure that Brittany is a big, fat liar. Well, a liar, anyway.
Morning. Since this is Australia, kangaroos and koalas just sort of hang out on the streets. You know, in the same way that bald eagles hang around New York City. Fittingly, the morning Tyra Mail tells the girls that there is more to "go see" than kangaroos and koalas. Ah, the go-see episode. Always an adventure. I only regret that the signs aren't in Japanese, like in Season 3. Naturally, the girls immediately know what they're in for. They're dropped at a place called Priscilla's Model Management, where they're introduced to the eponymous Priscilla and a model named Jodhi Meares, who is going to host the upcoming season of Australia's Next Top Model. Ooh, I wish I could watch that. Priscilla describes the go-see challenge, which is the same as always. The girls will split up and go meet with several different clothing designers. The designers have varying styles, so Jodhi says it will be important to be a chameleon, as far as what they're able to model. Each designer will be judging the girls on personality, their photo portfolio, and their runway walk. The only other rule is to be back by 4:30, which Priscilla emphasizes. Anyone not making it back by 4:30 will be disqualified. And since I'm sure these girls have watched previous seasons of this show, they know that there is always at least one girl who futzes around and doesn't make it. Always. So I'm sure they'll be extra careful to be punctual. Snerk.
And...go! The girls hop into taxis. Dionne interviews that the girls were given maps and the names of the designers, with their addresses. Jaslene is the first to arrive at a designer. She interviews that her strategy is to be "calm, cool, and collective [sic]." She's going to be a governmentally-controlled aggregation of farms? Well, whatever wins the challenge for you, Jaslene. She puts on a bathing suit and walks up the room and back. Possibly Lesbian Blonde Designer likes her, saying Jaslene has a good body and walk. Natasha arrives at another designer. She interviews (Opera House -- #13) that she's sexy and that she's using everything she learned. Take a look at this shot of her clomping across the room in an ugly red dress and blown-out hair. Why do the judges like her so much? What am I missing? She's not pretty! Renee arrives at Uneven Tan Designer, who would book her for a runway show, but interviews that she photographs a little too harshly. Brittany is ringing the bell at the wrong building. The camera man gets a great shot of the building's address on the front window (#15-19), then gives us a sepia-toned flashback to Brittany in the taxi, saying she's heading for #13. Nice work, editors. She wanders around aimlessly.
Dionne walks in a bikini for Possibly Lesbian Blonde Designer. PLBD loves her personality, saying she seems strong and confident. Dionne tests the waters by saying she's off to change, but that she'd really love to keep the bikini she wore. The designers give it to her. Hah! Dionne is pleased with herself. Split-screen of the girls running around. Brittany finally finds #13. Her runway walk sucks rocks, which is enough for Ill-Advised Bangs Designer to interview that she wouldn't hire her. On her way out to the cab, we hear a Brittany interview that she doesn't really feel a lot of pressure, because one designer not liking you isn't the end of the world. I'd love to know when that interview actually took place in relation to the events of this episode. Big Glasses Designer likes Renee's modeling, but also mentions that her photographs are a little hard-edged. Uneven Tan Designer tries to ask Natasha about her height as she's walking, and she doesn't seem to hear or understand. "Hello?" he asks. Dionne walks for Plucked Eyebrows Designer. She voices-over that go-sees are fun. And we know why she thinks that, don't we? She asks if she can keep her outfit, and Plucked Eyebrows Designer tells her she can keep the (hideously ugly) top. Jolly music plays as Brittany presses a bunch of buttons in an effort to get her elevator to go to level 3. Elevator: "This IS level 3! Stop pushing my buttons!" Brittany finally figures it out.
Before she enters to meet with Sunny Blonde Designer, Renee interviews that she heard Sunny Blonde just had a baby, so she sneaks a couple of pictures of Troy into the portfolio. She uses it as a conversation starter with Sunny Blonde, who beams. Renee is a genius. Brittany goes in to meet Possibly Lesbian Blonde Designer. She interviews that she's not bad at small talk, but doesn't want to indulge in too much of it, because this is supposed to be a professional setting. Makes sense, though I doubt awkward silence is what she was aiming for. Too bad, because that's what she gets (as the editors pipe in soothing lounge music -- they are on fire this episode). Jaslene impresses someone. Uneven Tan Designer hates Brittany's walk, which is, indeed, abominable. Strange. She didn't have any problem with it several weeks ago. I know, maybe she got hit by a snowblower when she was 15, and it crippled her ability to walk. Sometimes. Dionne meets with Sunny Blonde Designer, who has a cute dog in her studio. Sunny Blonde doesn't care for Dionne's posture. We don't hear how this affects yet another mooch attempt on Dionne's part. Jaslene peeks in on Renee impressing a designer with her walk. Uneven Tan Designer loves Dionne's confidence. As she returns a dress, he kids that he thought he'd see it hanging out of the back of her pocket on the way out. Hehe. Did the other designers call and warn him?
Plucked Eyebrows Designer thinks Jaslene is young and fresh. The hat Jaslene is wearing is incredibly ugly. That and Dionne's top is enough for me to suggest to any Aussies that they studiously avoid Plucked Eyebrows' shop. Plucked Eyebrows says that Natasha was too sexual and flirtatious. Natasha gives her a hug we know is unwelcome, thanks to the scratching record sound effect. Dionne says she has an hour left, so she'll hit one more designer before heading back to Priscilla's. I'm not sure which one it is (possibly Ill-Advised Bangs), but she shuts down Dionne's mooch attempt. Zing! Possibly Lesbian Blonde Designer thinks Renee has a great body for swimwear. After that, Renee heads back to Priscilla's, not wanting to risk being late. Brittany asks her cab driver how long it'll take to get back to Priscilla's, and he guesses fifteen minutes. Brittany: "OK. I'm going to go over to Cooper [Street]." Once there, she wanders around, looking for the designer. She can't find it, and tells herself she should have stuck with the cab. Jaslene makes a mad dash for an elevator, and heads for Priscilla's. Renee and Dionne make it back. Jaslene gets into the cab with about nineteen minutes left. I know the editing isn't giving us a complete picture of what's happening when, but if the cab driver says it takes fifteen minutes to get to Priscilla's, and Brittany finally finds the designer with nineteen minutes left, I don't know why she just doesn't head back now. She rushes through the go-see (with another atrocious walk), then walks back out to the street, and looks around for her cab driver. She says that he's "obviously" not there to meet her, like she "asked him to". She's freaked. Natasha and Jaslene ride in their cabs. Nine minutes left.
Commercials. Surely, I can't be the only one completely charmed by the Orbit gum woman.
We're back. Sydney's train system looks really cool. Brittany makes it back to her cab. She interviews that she asked her driver to meet her on Cooper Street, and he "obviously didn't listen". She gives him some shit when she climbs in, and the driver points out that she never asked him to go meet her. The sepia-toned flashback backs him up. Yes, she mentioned she was going to Cooper Street, but she never arranged for him to pick her up there. The only thing that's missing here is a nice "wah-wah-waaaaaaah" sound. Or possibly a foghorn. Natasha interviews (Opera House -- #14) that she wanted to meet with as many designers as possible, but that it's really important to be back on time. Jaslene frets in her cab, thinking that she maybe should have skipped the last designer. A cab pulls up to Priscilla's at about 4:28. It's Jaslene, who hauls ass across the street to make it, leaving her camera crew in the dust. Sweet. The three girls who made it back gleefully count down the final seconds, and then time is officially up. Renee high-fives Jaslene. Priscilla and Jodhi come in to greet the girls. Natasha runs up to the door, being 90 seconds late at most. Renee tells her she didn't make it, and Natasha smarms that she did. Priscilla tells her that being even a minute late can cost a model a job, which is complete bullshit of course, but in terms of a reality show challenge, it's only fair for her to be disqualified, which she is. Ouch. Priscilla asks her to wait outside, and Natasha takes her loss with good grace, meekly agreeing. She interviews (Opera House -- #15) that she would have won, had she not been disqualified. I'm not sure I'm with her on that one, though she's far cheerier about being disqualified on what was essentially a technicality than I expect anyone to be, so kudos for that.
Brittany arrives, murder on her face. Priscilla is congratulating the three girls who made it back. Brittany runs up to the building, and Natasha shakes her head in frustration, like "Give up the ghost now." Brittany starts pitching a fit to Natasha, yelling that she asked her driver to meet her on Cooper Street, and he didn't "fucking show up". BZZT! Liar! She flings her portfolio to the ground. Keep in mind that she and Natasha are just standing on the other side of a door from everyone else, so Priscilla and Jodhi can hear this entire tantrum. Brittany continues yelling about how this sucks because it's not her fault; it's her driver's, because she asked him to meet her over there. BZZT! Liar! Awesome. I wish I could watch Brittany watching this episode now. Priscilla tries to talk to the other girls, but all she can come up with is "Umm...", because the entire group is raptly listening to Brittany go into hysterics. Outside, Natasha says "I just want to tell you that sometimes, people have war in their countries..." Hahahahaha! Poor Brittany can't ever just cry when she wants to. Priscilla still can't address the girls, as Brittany's freak-out gets louder and louder. Brittany again bemoans her dumb driver not doing as she asked. BZZT. Liar! Natasha tries to tell her to calm down, and Brittany screams in her face not to tell her not to be upset, and she can be upset if she wants to be. Renee is heartily enjoying this. Priscilla: "I assume Brittany knows she's disqualified, as she hasn't come into the room." Hahahaha! I have to give this episode some sort of A, just for this scene, no matter what comes after it.
After Brittany subsides into a sulky silence, Priscilla can finally give the girls the comments from the designers. Renee had great personality, but photographs too hard at times. Renee nods, all "Yep. Heard it before." Dionne also had great personality, but needs to work on her posture. Jaslene had a great body and walk, and had the best overall feedback, so she wins her first challenge. Her mouth splits into a huge grin, and she "Oh my God!"s all over the place. Jodhi tells her the prize is a photo shoot on top of Sydney Harbor Bridge. I'm fairly sure I've seen teams bungee-jump off that bridge on The Amazing Race, but can't remember what season. Jaslene gets to pick a friend to share in the prize, and she chooses Dionne. Dionne gives her a hug. Priscilla tells the three girls that all of them did a terrific job. Jaslene thanks her and Jodhi. Priscilla sends them off, no doubt glad as hell to get out of there. As the girls leave, Natasha asks if she can hug the winner. Aw. She congratulates Jaslene. Brittany explains what "happened" to Renee. BZZT. Liar! Jaslene interviews that Brittany's just full of excuses. I wondered for a bit where this annoying, responsibility-deflecting Brittany came from, but then I realized that she was pretty much top of the pack until last week, so she didn't have anything to make excuses for. I guess she's one of those people who falls apart the second they're not in first place, or gets the slightest bit of criticism. In any event... BZZT. Liar! The other girls opt for feeling way sorrier for literally-one-minute-late Natasha.
Clouds gather over Sydney Harbor Bridge. Jaslene and Dionne climb to the top. They're a little nervous, but enjoy the panoramic view of Sydney. Too bad the weather's not a bit nicer. When they reach the top, they see that Nigel is the photographer. He congratulates them, and tells them they'll have some fun. Opera House -- #16. The shoot itself is rather boring, though the pictures come out well. Opera House -- #17. Back at the pad, Tyra Mail awaits. "Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Can you rock each planet? Half of your picture-perfect future is in my hands." Hmm. The girls begin to try and puzzle it out. At first I thought the girls would be dressed as aliens. Come on, you know it'll pop up at some point. Dionne jumps to the same conclusion. She interviews that girls sat around for half an hour, trying to figure out what their photo shoot would be. Each of the girls repeats "can you rock each planet" over and over like a mantra, trying to penetrate its meaning. Brittany thinks maybe Tyra will be dressed up as a man (huh?) or that Tyra herself will be the photographer (ah!). Jaslene jumps on that immediately. "Yes! 'In my hands!' She has the camera!". Well done, girls. Now about the planets... Renee is nervous, interviewing that she wants to impress Tyra with everything she's learned. Plus, "she's also a judge. She's also THE judge." Yep, Renee knows which way the wind blows on panel. Twiggy, Miss J, and Nigel may just as well sit up there and say "blah blah blah blah blah" for how much their input matters.
Commercials. I'm all for scented candles, but once you design your entire living room around them, you're officially over-invested.
Crack of dawn. Ick. The girls wander out onto the beach to meet OJ. ICK. He explains that for today's photo shoot, the girls will be taking one shot as if to appear in a women's magazine, and then another shot that would be suitable for a men's magazine. He tries to surprise them by hinting at Tyra being the photographer, and the "yeah, we've beaten you to the punch" faces the girls give him bring me such great joy. Tyra jogs out, and seems a bit disappointed when the girls don't freak. She asked them how they figured out she'd be the photographer. The Girls in my Mind: "Because we're not as idiotic as CariDee." The Actual Girls: "Your Tyra Mail." Renee interviews that she's excited to have Tyra on set. Renee knows where to butter her bread. Tyra will only be shooting the women's magazine shot, so the girls have to look "soft and beautiful". Then they can be big whores for the men's magazine shot. Oh, and speaking of men, the girls won't be posing alone. Male models! Maybe not in drag this time! "Are you all ready to be shot?" Tyra asks. The girls assent, so Tyra whips out a gun. OK, not really, but that'd be a change of pace.
Hair and makeup. Brittany asks for help putting an earring in. Huh? Granted, I don't know jack about jewelry, but do women ever need help putting earrings in? Weird. Hair extensions are put in, which Brittany doesn't mind, as long as they're not permanently attached. She doesn't need another Weave That Destroyed Tokyo trying to implant a brain slug into her head. She's up first. Her male model is kind of bland. Tyra gives her several posing directions. After the shoot, Tyra interviews that Brittany seemed nervous, like she was holding back. Dionne's up next. Her male model is better looking than Brittany's, and has the very porny name of Brad "River" Rope. Dionne interviews that she feels more comfortable posing for Tyra than for other photographers. Tyra gives her a lot of direction as well, including one to not look so mean with her eyebrow expression, given that Dionne's face is strong already. Tyra interviews that Dionne needed too much direction. I don't quite understand that criticism, because it's up to the photographer to pose the shot. Jaslene's turn. Her male model is skinny and pale. Not my type at all. He has a handsome face, though. Tyra interviews that she couldn't pick up a connection or "vibe" with Jaslene. Jaslene interviews that it took her a while to relax, but once she does, Tyra seems happier with the shots. Renee gets into the water, which is extremely cold. Her male model is cute, though I don't care for his particular tattoo. She does a great job, and Tyra loves her. I don't think I've ever seen such an evolution in this show from Bitch to Contender. All the other Bitches were just...bitchy. Natasha bores me, as usual. Tyra thinks she'll have some nice shots, aside from the ones where she stubbornly purses her lips. Natasha interviews (Opera House -- #18) that getting compliments from Tyra makes her feel like a top model.
Time to flip sides, from the magazines that tell women they're far too fat and can never satisfy a man to the ones that tell men they're nothing without a slutty sycophant (who would be female, of course) and lots of expensive toys. Tyra says the most famous models are the ones loved by both sexes. The girls will have their makeup retouched, then be photographed by a man named Michael Omm, who's wearing a kicky hat to appear fashionable, but which hilariously sticks out like a sore thumb at the beach. Makeup montage, then back to work. Jaslene is first. Now that Tyra has left, OJ feels free to speak. Good doggie! He thinks Jaslene does a great job, and Jaslene loves herself some compliments. Dionne. Having picked up some language from his Mistress, OJ tells her she's starting to look mean instead of sexy. How fortunate that his opinion and Tyra's coincide! She does seem to give softer shots towards the end. Renee is looking forward to her shots, saying sexy is "one thing [she] knows [she's] good at". OJ says that she looks stunning. She looks good with longer hair. Brittany starts off kind of clinical and cold, but relaxes into her later shots. Natasha doesn't have any such false starts. Who would have thought that the mail-order bride could do so well at faking sexual arousal? Wait, don't answer that. Natasha thinks (Opera House -- #19) that this has been her best shoot to date. OJ tells her she did well.
Back to the pad with you skanks! Tyra Mail announces the upcoming elimination. Jaslene interviews that she'd like to see Renee go home, because Renee is hungry for the money, and looks old. Ouch. And "hungry for the money"? Is Jaslene is in the modeling competition to help leukemia-stricken children? Dionne is wearing her "I VOTED FOR DIONNE" T-shirt. Hehe. She has absolutely no idea how the judging will go. Brittany picks up a giant sandwich, which gives me great hopes, then dashes them to pieces when she abandons the sandwich without partaking. Hey, girls at home! Whatever you do, don't absorb food! Whitney would have eaten it. Brittany interviews that doing well at the photo shoot may put her back into the judges' good graces, so she doesn't think she'll be in the bottom two again. Fate can't take such blatant tempting, and starts preparing her bow and arrow.
Commercials. I am ravenously curious to know how that Bella & Birch stuff works.
We enter the Chamber of Doom on a picture of Tyra in her "women's magazine" pose (sitting cross-legged on the beach with her arms splayed awkwardly in front of her) and her "men's magazine" pose (taking the "on your mark" position with her butt sticking out). The girls enter. Prizes. Judges. The guest judge is Priscilla. She probably thinks Brittany's two seconds away from leaping over the table and attacking her. To the evaluations! Brittany is up first. She's asked what went wrong at her go-sees, and to her credit, she opens with the fact that she didn't leave herself enough time, but has to ruin it by talking about her "extenuating circumstances". BZZT. Liar! Sepia-toned flashback to her screaming fit. Priscilla tells her she should probably learn to control herself, because people can be turned off by tantrums. Brittany, and I'm sure this will comes as quite a shock, so prepare yourself...starts crying and whining, about how she was frustrated because she did so poorly last week. Tyra tells her that none of the designers would book Brittany for a show. Not a single one. Oof, that's got to hurt. Tyra is surprised, because Brittany tends to take such strong pictures. Twiggy ascertains that Brittany wasn't a sniveling mess on her go-sees, and can't understand why nobody wanted to book her. Tyra guesses that something about Brittany just didn't click with the designers. Way to reach a conclusion, Tyra.
Now, to the photos. Brittany's "man" shot gets praise, especially for her strong eyes. She does have strong eyes in that shot, but I'm not liking whatever she's doing with her mouth. She looks like she just got done sucking a lemon. Tyra is particularly impressed, because Brittany's got such an innocent, "ethereal" beauty, which usually wouldn't translate into a dirty hooker shot. The judges like her "woman" shot as well. Yeah, this one looks better. She's giving a very serene face, and I like the way her leg is extended. OJ thought that her male model outshined her, which is patently untrue, but it's OJ. Can't expect competence from him. Tyra says that Brittany can't let that happen, because male models are supposed to be accessories in this type of shot. She apologizes to Nigel, who used to be a male model. The fact that they don't flash some of his old shots up on screen is criminal.
Natasha. Her "lateness" is brought up as well, but Priscilla says that she handled it very well. Natasha grins. Shot of Brittany looking sour. Natasha's "man" shot is typical Natasha. That is, the judges love it, and I don't understand why. Her lips are pursed unnaturally, and her hair doesn't look good. As if she heard me, Tyra says that this is the one time it's OK to purse your lips like that (presumably, the "Hey, male reader! I so want to give you a blowjob right now!" look). And blast it all to the depths of hell, the judges like her unimpressive "woman" shot as well. Her nose looks huge in that picture! Karl freaking Malden would be, like, "Damn, what a schnozz". Tyra says that the one problem is that Natasha does "the turtle" a lot, which is when she hunches her shoulders. Jaslene. Her challenge win is mentioned. Her "man" shot is all right, but she's got a large swath of hair blowing in front of her face, which means that my eye wants to be drawn to the male model, rather than her. Tyra and Nigel feel that her eye contact overcomes the hair. I disagree, but were that hair out of the way, it would be a really strong shot. Her "woman" shot certainly emphasizes how skinny she is. The judges love it. It is good, but I have to say that my favorite thing about it is the cloud cover in the background. I don't know, Jaslene certainly photographs well, but she kind of bores me.
Dionne. Tyra again brings up her tendency to look mean. The "man" shot is showing, and I have to say, she doesn't look any meaner than any of the other girls. Isn't smoldering at the camera a plus in the "man" picture? Miss J asks for three poses right there at panel, and Tyra declares all three of them mean. Which they pretty much were. Dionne giggles, and says she didn't realize she was doing that naturally until the judges told her. Her "woman" shot is taken to task for the strength in her face, since her male model looks far more serene than she. Tyra also criticizes her for her tendency to need too much direction. Then she tells Dionne that she needs to listen to her photographer. Um. So... "Dionne, don't rely on other people to tell you what to do. And while we're at it, make sure to listen to your photographer!" So articulate, that Tyra. Renee. Her "man" shot looks great. She has terrific eye contact with the camera, while still interacting with her male model. She's also really making the most of her non-existent butt, which Tyra appreciates. Her "woman" shot is equally good. Her arms are gracefully clasped above her head, and I don't know how she arches her back like that without a great deal of physical pain. Priscilla loves it. Tyra loves how Renee accentuated different parts of her body depending on which shot she was modeling for. The girls are dismissed.
Commercials. I sincerely hope my skin's pores aren't composed of sighing women draped with towels.
Deliberations. Opera House -- #20. Natasha has "got the whole package", apparently. Still not seeing it, folks. Brittany is photogenic, but nobody likes her. Miss J points out that it's the first time ever on this show that a girl failed to impress a single designer. The judges seem puzzled over her lack of personality, and Tyra points out that no matter how good your pictures are, if you can't get hired, you may as well not exist. Twiggy thinks Jaslene is the opposite of Brittany -- warm and lovely. Well, I wouldn't go that far. Tyra admires Jaslene's versatility. Dionne's photographs are the weakest this week, and she's starting to revert to looking like a mallrat at panel. Priscilla thought Renee was too "commercial" at first. Tyra agrees that Renee has the ability to make money, but fears that she'll always be a "catalog" girl. I really hate that criticism -- models are either commercially accessible or they're runway-friendly. They're rarely both. I can't envision Kate Moss shilling laundry detergent anytime soon. Plus, it's enormously unfair to consider a commercial look as a detriment, when a big part of this competition is the ability to work well with tweeny magazines and a cosmetics company. The winner won't exactly be strutting the runways of Milan, so knock it off with the "Oh, she'd look good in a catalog, but that's it" bullshit. Anyhow, Priscilla does say that Renee really changed her mind with her wonderful photographs, so "good on her" for that. I love that phrase. The judges reach a decision.
Elimination. Five girls, four sets of photos. Jaslene is called first this week. She smiles that huge Joker grin of hers, and good God, I could put a basketball through her hoop earrings. Natasha is safe. Renee. Will Dionne and Brittany please step forward? Brittany has taken consistently beautiful photographs, but has the personality of a sponge. Dionne's pictures have been "nice", but not as strong as Brittany's, and she needs far too much coaching. I'm convinced Brittany's photographs are strong enough to save her, but I'm wrong, thank goodness, and Dionne gets her photographs. Tyra cautions her against being "too strong", and tells her to soften it up a bit. Brittany gets a hug, and Tyra tells her to work on learning how to get jobs booked. Well, I guess that's nicer than "try not to have such a sucky personality". Oddly, the girl who cried every time someone looked at her cross-eyed is remarkably stoic as she hugs the girls goodbye and leaves. In her final interview (Opera House -- #21), she says she has a lot to work on. She's shocked by how emotional she got, because she's usually not like that, and didn't know how to handle it when it happened. I can buy that. As she says she's happy for the experience that a lot of other girls would be happy to have, we see her portfolio. It's good. She closes by saying that this was a great opportunity, and a lot of fun, except for the Weave That Destroyed Tokyo. She may have left that last part out. Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Aboriginal history. Fine, as long as it's not as depressing as South African history. Body paint. Natasha gets sick, and misses out on a night out with the girls, during which Renee hopes Natasha gets eliminated. You and me both, sister.
Overall Grade: A-
Previously on America's Next Top Model: The girls were shipped off to Sydney, but mean American ladies who diss your fashion choices aren't so easy to escape. Are they, Brittany? Speaking of Brittany, her Memory Issue conveniently surfaced just in time to give her a ready excuse for sucking at her CoverGirl commercial. Even more of a security blanket was Jael, who is many things, but capable spokesmodel is not among them. Jael got eliminated, and now there's nobody left to spread joy to the universe. Five girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening credits. The one good thing about this show being preceded by Everybody Except Limecrete Loves Raymond is that the "Where's Lunch" production company gives me a different plate of food plonked down on the table each week. Yay, fried cheese sticks!
Sydney, Australia. Opera House -- #11. On the way back to the Aussie pad after last week's elimination, the girls express amazement that they're in the final five. We're completely through the looking glass, as Renee says that it's going to be weird in the house without Jael, because she was the one that was so much fun all the time. Renee goes on to interview that Brittany used her Memory Issue as a crutch at panel (sepia-toned flashback), so it was unfair that Jael got cut. Brittany interviews (Opera House -- #12) that Jael knew she was going home, because Brittany tended to do better at photo shoots. Well, let's not forget that half the panel kind of hated Jael anyway. That probably figured into it. Back at the pad, Jael Mail awaits. And not just one, but a Jael Mail for each girl. Aw. Natasha's reads "You are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen". Awwwww. Renee's reads "When you win, will you loan me $1000 to pay my rent?". Hah! See, this is why Jael shouldn't have been eliminated. Or at least she should pop up on-screen periodically, like those people who used to interpret sign language for deaf audiences. Brittany's mail says something about Jael being willing to sacrifice herself so that Brittany could continue. We don't hear Dionne's or Jaslene's, which is probably for the better. Jaslene's was probably along the lines of, "So. You're...Jaslene, right? I think I remember sharing a house with you." Dionne interviews that Brittany should have gotten cut, because her Memory Issue sure didn't seem to be bothering her in the acting challenge. Thank you! Dionne is sure that Brittany is a big, fat liar. Well, a liar, anyway.
Morning. Since this is Australia, kangaroos and koalas just sort of hang out on the streets. You know, in the same way that bald eagles hang around New York City. Fittingly, the morning Tyra Mail tells the girls that there is more to "go see" than kangaroos and koalas. Ah, the go-see episode. Always an adventure. I only regret that the signs aren't in Japanese, like in Season 3. Naturally, the girls immediately know what they're in for. They're dropped at a place called Priscilla's Model Management, where they're introduced to the eponymous Priscilla and a model named Jodhi Meares, who is going to host the upcoming season of Australia's Next Top Model. Ooh, I wish I could watch that. Priscilla describes the go-see challenge, which is the same as always. The girls will split up and go meet with several different clothing designers. The designers have varying styles, so Jodhi says it will be important to be a chameleon, as far as what they're able to model. Each designer will be judging the girls on personality, their photo portfolio, and their runway walk. The only other rule is to be back by 4:30, which Priscilla emphasizes. Anyone not making it back by 4:30 will be disqualified. And since I'm sure these girls have watched previous seasons of this show, they know that there is always at least one girl who futzes around and doesn't make it. Always. So I'm sure they'll be extra careful to be punctual. Snerk.
And...go! The girls hop into taxis. Dionne interviews that the girls were given maps and the names of the designers, with their addresses. Jaslene is the first to arrive at a designer. She interviews that her strategy is to be "calm, cool, and collective [sic]." She's going to be a governmentally-controlled aggregation of farms? Well, whatever wins the challenge for you, Jaslene. She puts on a bathing suit and walks up the room and back. Possibly Lesbian Blonde Designer likes her, saying Jaslene has a good body and walk. Natasha arrives at another designer. She interviews (Opera House -- #13) that she's sexy and that she's using everything she learned. Take a look at this shot of her clomping across the room in an ugly red dress and blown-out hair. Why do the judges like her so much? What am I missing? She's not pretty! Renee arrives at Uneven Tan Designer, who would book her for a runway show, but interviews that she photographs a little too harshly. Brittany is ringing the bell at the wrong building. The camera man gets a great shot of the building's address on the front window (#15-19), then gives us a sepia-toned flashback to Brittany in the taxi, saying she's heading for #13. Nice work, editors. She wanders around aimlessly.
Dionne walks in a bikini for Possibly Lesbian Blonde Designer. PLBD loves her personality, saying she seems strong and confident. Dionne tests the waters by saying she's off to change, but that she'd really love to keep the bikini she wore. The designers give it to her. Hah! Dionne is pleased with herself. Split-screen of the girls running around. Brittany finally finds #13. Her runway walk sucks rocks, which is enough for Ill-Advised Bangs Designer to interview that she wouldn't hire her. On her way out to the cab, we hear a Brittany interview that she doesn't really feel a lot of pressure, because one designer not liking you isn't the end of the world. I'd love to know when that interview actually took place in relation to the events of this episode. Big Glasses Designer likes Renee's modeling, but also mentions that her photographs are a little hard-edged. Uneven Tan Designer tries to ask Natasha about her height as she's walking, and she doesn't seem to hear or understand. "Hello?" he asks. Dionne walks for Plucked Eyebrows Designer. She voices-over that go-sees are fun. And we know why she thinks that, don't we? She asks if she can keep her outfit, and Plucked Eyebrows Designer tells her she can keep the (hideously ugly) top. Jolly music plays as Brittany presses a bunch of buttons in an effort to get her elevator to go to level 3. Elevator: "This IS level 3! Stop pushing my buttons!" Brittany finally figures it out.
Before she enters to meet with Sunny Blonde Designer, Renee interviews that she heard Sunny Blonde just had a baby, so she sneaks a couple of pictures of Troy into the portfolio. She uses it as a conversation starter with Sunny Blonde, who beams. Renee is a genius. Brittany goes in to meet Possibly Lesbian Blonde Designer. She interviews that she's not bad at small talk, but doesn't want to indulge in too much of it, because this is supposed to be a professional setting. Makes sense, though I doubt awkward silence is what she was aiming for. Too bad, because that's what she gets (as the editors pipe in soothing lounge music -- they are on fire this episode). Jaslene impresses someone. Uneven Tan Designer hates Brittany's walk, which is, indeed, abominable. Strange. She didn't have any problem with it several weeks ago. I know, maybe she got hit by a snowblower when she was 15, and it crippled her ability to walk. Sometimes. Dionne meets with Sunny Blonde Designer, who has a cute dog in her studio. Sunny Blonde doesn't care for Dionne's posture. We don't hear how this affects yet another mooch attempt on Dionne's part. Jaslene peeks in on Renee impressing a designer with her walk. Uneven Tan Designer loves Dionne's confidence. As she returns a dress, he kids that he thought he'd see it hanging out of the back of her pocket on the way out. Hehe. Did the other designers call and warn him?
Plucked Eyebrows Designer thinks Jaslene is young and fresh. The hat Jaslene is wearing is incredibly ugly. That and Dionne's top is enough for me to suggest to any Aussies that they studiously avoid Plucked Eyebrows' shop. Plucked Eyebrows says that Natasha was too sexual and flirtatious. Natasha gives her a hug we know is unwelcome, thanks to the scratching record sound effect. Dionne says she has an hour left, so she'll hit one more designer before heading back to Priscilla's. I'm not sure which one it is (possibly Ill-Advised Bangs), but she shuts down Dionne's mooch attempt. Zing! Possibly Lesbian Blonde Designer thinks Renee has a great body for swimwear. After that, Renee heads back to Priscilla's, not wanting to risk being late. Brittany asks her cab driver how long it'll take to get back to Priscilla's, and he guesses fifteen minutes. Brittany: "OK. I'm going to go over to Cooper [Street]." Once there, she wanders around, looking for the designer. She can't find it, and tells herself she should have stuck with the cab. Jaslene makes a mad dash for an elevator, and heads for Priscilla's. Renee and Dionne make it back. Jaslene gets into the cab with about nineteen minutes left. I know the editing isn't giving us a complete picture of what's happening when, but if the cab driver says it takes fifteen minutes to get to Priscilla's, and Brittany finally finds the designer with nineteen minutes left, I don't know why she just doesn't head back now. She rushes through the go-see (with another atrocious walk), then walks back out to the street, and looks around for her cab driver. She says that he's "obviously" not there to meet her, like she "asked him to". She's freaked. Natasha and Jaslene ride in their cabs. Nine minutes left.
Commercials. Surely, I can't be the only one completely charmed by the Orbit gum woman.
We're back. Sydney's train system looks really cool. Brittany makes it back to her cab. She interviews that she asked her driver to meet her on Cooper Street, and he "obviously didn't listen". She gives him some shit when she climbs in, and the driver points out that she never asked him to go meet her. The sepia-toned flashback backs him up. Yes, she mentioned she was going to Cooper Street, but she never arranged for him to pick her up there. The only thing that's missing here is a nice "wah-wah-waaaaaaah" sound. Or possibly a foghorn. Natasha interviews (Opera House -- #14) that she wanted to meet with as many designers as possible, but that it's really important to be back on time. Jaslene frets in her cab, thinking that she maybe should have skipped the last designer. A cab pulls up to Priscilla's at about 4:28. It's Jaslene, who hauls ass across the street to make it, leaving her camera crew in the dust. Sweet. The three girls who made it back gleefully count down the final seconds, and then time is officially up. Renee high-fives Jaslene. Priscilla and Jodhi come in to greet the girls. Natasha runs up to the door, being 90 seconds late at most. Renee tells her she didn't make it, and Natasha smarms that she did. Priscilla tells her that being even a minute late can cost a model a job, which is complete bullshit of course, but in terms of a reality show challenge, it's only fair for her to be disqualified, which she is. Ouch. Priscilla asks her to wait outside, and Natasha takes her loss with good grace, meekly agreeing. She interviews (Opera House -- #15) that she would have won, had she not been disqualified. I'm not sure I'm with her on that one, though she's far cheerier about being disqualified on what was essentially a technicality than I expect anyone to be, so kudos for that.
Brittany arrives, murder on her face. Priscilla is congratulating the three girls who made it back. Brittany runs up to the building, and Natasha shakes her head in frustration, like "Give up the ghost now." Brittany starts pitching a fit to Natasha, yelling that she asked her driver to meet her on Cooper Street, and he didn't "fucking show up". BZZT! Liar! She flings her portfolio to the ground. Keep in mind that she and Natasha are just standing on the other side of a door from everyone else, so Priscilla and Jodhi can hear this entire tantrum. Brittany continues yelling about how this sucks because it's not her fault; it's her driver's, because she asked him to meet her over there. BZZT! Liar! Awesome. I wish I could watch Brittany watching this episode now. Priscilla tries to talk to the other girls, but all she can come up with is "Umm...", because the entire group is raptly listening to Brittany go into hysterics. Outside, Natasha says "I just want to tell you that sometimes, people have war in their countries..." Hahahahaha! Poor Brittany can't ever just cry when she wants to. Priscilla still can't address the girls, as Brittany's freak-out gets louder and louder. Brittany again bemoans her dumb driver not doing as she asked. BZZT. Liar! Natasha tries to tell her to calm down, and Brittany screams in her face not to tell her not to be upset, and she can be upset if she wants to be. Renee is heartily enjoying this. Priscilla: "I assume Brittany knows she's disqualified, as she hasn't come into the room." Hahahaha! I have to give this episode some sort of A, just for this scene, no matter what comes after it.
After Brittany subsides into a sulky silence, Priscilla can finally give the girls the comments from the designers. Renee had great personality, but photographs too hard at times. Renee nods, all "Yep. Heard it before." Dionne also had great personality, but needs to work on her posture. Jaslene had a great body and walk, and had the best overall feedback, so she wins her first challenge. Her mouth splits into a huge grin, and she "Oh my God!"s all over the place. Jodhi tells her the prize is a photo shoot on top of Sydney Harbor Bridge. I'm fairly sure I've seen teams bungee-jump off that bridge on The Amazing Race, but can't remember what season. Jaslene gets to pick a friend to share in the prize, and she chooses Dionne. Dionne gives her a hug. Priscilla tells the three girls that all of them did a terrific job. Jaslene thanks her and Jodhi. Priscilla sends them off, no doubt glad as hell to get out of there. As the girls leave, Natasha asks if she can hug the winner. Aw. She congratulates Jaslene. Brittany explains what "happened" to Renee. BZZT. Liar! Jaslene interviews that Brittany's just full of excuses. I wondered for a bit where this annoying, responsibility-deflecting Brittany came from, but then I realized that she was pretty much top of the pack until last week, so she didn't have anything to make excuses for. I guess she's one of those people who falls apart the second they're not in first place, or gets the slightest bit of criticism. In any event... BZZT. Liar! The other girls opt for feeling way sorrier for literally-one-minute-late Natasha.
Clouds gather over Sydney Harbor Bridge. Jaslene and Dionne climb to the top. They're a little nervous, but enjoy the panoramic view of Sydney. Too bad the weather's not a bit nicer. When they reach the top, they see that Nigel is the photographer. He congratulates them, and tells them they'll have some fun. Opera House -- #16. The shoot itself is rather boring, though the pictures come out well. Opera House -- #17. Back at the pad, Tyra Mail awaits. "Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Can you rock each planet? Half of your picture-perfect future is in my hands." Hmm. The girls begin to try and puzzle it out. At first I thought the girls would be dressed as aliens. Come on, you know it'll pop up at some point. Dionne jumps to the same conclusion. She interviews that girls sat around for half an hour, trying to figure out what their photo shoot would be. Each of the girls repeats "can you rock each planet" over and over like a mantra, trying to penetrate its meaning. Brittany thinks maybe Tyra will be dressed up as a man (huh?) or that Tyra herself will be the photographer (ah!). Jaslene jumps on that immediately. "Yes! 'In my hands!' She has the camera!". Well done, girls. Now about the planets... Renee is nervous, interviewing that she wants to impress Tyra with everything she's learned. Plus, "she's also a judge. She's also THE judge." Yep, Renee knows which way the wind blows on panel. Twiggy, Miss J, and Nigel may just as well sit up there and say "blah blah blah blah blah" for how much their input matters.
Commercials. I'm all for scented candles, but once you design your entire living room around them, you're officially over-invested.
Crack of dawn. Ick. The girls wander out onto the beach to meet OJ. ICK. He explains that for today's photo shoot, the girls will be taking one shot as if to appear in a women's magazine, and then another shot that would be suitable for a men's magazine. He tries to surprise them by hinting at Tyra being the photographer, and the "yeah, we've beaten you to the punch" faces the girls give him bring me such great joy. Tyra jogs out, and seems a bit disappointed when the girls don't freak. She asked them how they figured out she'd be the photographer. The Girls in my Mind: "Because we're not as idiotic as CariDee." The Actual Girls: "Your Tyra Mail." Renee interviews that she's excited to have Tyra on set. Renee knows where to butter her bread. Tyra will only be shooting the women's magazine shot, so the girls have to look "soft and beautiful". Then they can be big whores for the men's magazine shot. Oh, and speaking of men, the girls won't be posing alone. Male models! Maybe not in drag this time! "Are you all ready to be shot?" Tyra asks. The girls assent, so Tyra whips out a gun. OK, not really, but that'd be a change of pace.
Hair and makeup. Brittany asks for help putting an earring in. Huh? Granted, I don't know jack about jewelry, but do women ever need help putting earrings in? Weird. Hair extensions are put in, which Brittany doesn't mind, as long as they're not permanently attached. She doesn't need another Weave That Destroyed Tokyo trying to implant a brain slug into her head. She's up first. Her male model is kind of bland. Tyra gives her several posing directions. After the shoot, Tyra interviews that Brittany seemed nervous, like she was holding back. Dionne's up next. Her male model is better looking than Brittany's, and has the very porny name of Brad "River" Rope. Dionne interviews that she feels more comfortable posing for Tyra than for other photographers. Tyra gives her a lot of direction as well, including one to not look so mean with her eyebrow expression, given that Dionne's face is strong already. Tyra interviews that Dionne needed too much direction. I don't quite understand that criticism, because it's up to the photographer to pose the shot. Jaslene's turn. Her male model is skinny and pale. Not my type at all. He has a handsome face, though. Tyra interviews that she couldn't pick up a connection or "vibe" with Jaslene. Jaslene interviews that it took her a while to relax, but once she does, Tyra seems happier with the shots. Renee gets into the water, which is extremely cold. Her male model is cute, though I don't care for his particular tattoo. She does a great job, and Tyra loves her. I don't think I've ever seen such an evolution in this show from Bitch to Contender. All the other Bitches were just...bitchy. Natasha bores me, as usual. Tyra thinks she'll have some nice shots, aside from the ones where she stubbornly purses her lips. Natasha interviews (Opera House -- #18) that getting compliments from Tyra makes her feel like a top model.
Time to flip sides, from the magazines that tell women they're far too fat and can never satisfy a man to the ones that tell men they're nothing without a slutty sycophant (who would be female, of course) and lots of expensive toys. Tyra says the most famous models are the ones loved by both sexes. The girls will have their makeup retouched, then be photographed by a man named Michael Omm, who's wearing a kicky hat to appear fashionable, but which hilariously sticks out like a sore thumb at the beach. Makeup montage, then back to work. Jaslene is first. Now that Tyra has left, OJ feels free to speak. Good doggie! He thinks Jaslene does a great job, and Jaslene loves herself some compliments. Dionne. Having picked up some language from his Mistress, OJ tells her she's starting to look mean instead of sexy. How fortunate that his opinion and Tyra's coincide! She does seem to give softer shots towards the end. Renee is looking forward to her shots, saying sexy is "one thing [she] knows [she's] good at". OJ says that she looks stunning. She looks good with longer hair. Brittany starts off kind of clinical and cold, but relaxes into her later shots. Natasha doesn't have any such false starts. Who would have thought that the mail-order bride could do so well at faking sexual arousal? Wait, don't answer that. Natasha thinks (Opera House -- #19) that this has been her best shoot to date. OJ tells her she did well.
Back to the pad with you skanks! Tyra Mail announces the upcoming elimination. Jaslene interviews that she'd like to see Renee go home, because Renee is hungry for the money, and looks old. Ouch. And "hungry for the money"? Is Jaslene is in the modeling competition to help leukemia-stricken children? Dionne is wearing her "I VOTED FOR DIONNE" T-shirt. Hehe. She has absolutely no idea how the judging will go. Brittany picks up a giant sandwich, which gives me great hopes, then dashes them to pieces when she abandons the sandwich without partaking. Hey, girls at home! Whatever you do, don't absorb food! Whitney would have eaten it. Brittany interviews that doing well at the photo shoot may put her back into the judges' good graces, so she doesn't think she'll be in the bottom two again. Fate can't take such blatant tempting, and starts preparing her bow and arrow.
Commercials. I am ravenously curious to know how that Bella & Birch stuff works.
We enter the Chamber of Doom on a picture of Tyra in her "women's magazine" pose (sitting cross-legged on the beach with her arms splayed awkwardly in front of her) and her "men's magazine" pose (taking the "on your mark" position with her butt sticking out). The girls enter. Prizes. Judges. The guest judge is Priscilla. She probably thinks Brittany's two seconds away from leaping over the table and attacking her. To the evaluations! Brittany is up first. She's asked what went wrong at her go-sees, and to her credit, she opens with the fact that she didn't leave herself enough time, but has to ruin it by talking about her "extenuating circumstances". BZZT. Liar! Sepia-toned flashback to her screaming fit. Priscilla tells her she should probably learn to control herself, because people can be turned off by tantrums. Brittany, and I'm sure this will comes as quite a shock, so prepare yourself...starts crying and whining, about how she was frustrated because she did so poorly last week. Tyra tells her that none of the designers would book Brittany for a show. Not a single one. Oof, that's got to hurt. Tyra is surprised, because Brittany tends to take such strong pictures. Twiggy ascertains that Brittany wasn't a sniveling mess on her go-sees, and can't understand why nobody wanted to book her. Tyra guesses that something about Brittany just didn't click with the designers. Way to reach a conclusion, Tyra.
Now, to the photos. Brittany's "man" shot gets praise, especially for her strong eyes. She does have strong eyes in that shot, but I'm not liking whatever she's doing with her mouth. She looks like she just got done sucking a lemon. Tyra is particularly impressed, because Brittany's got such an innocent, "ethereal" beauty, which usually wouldn't translate into a dirty hooker shot. The judges like her "woman" shot as well. Yeah, this one looks better. She's giving a very serene face, and I like the way her leg is extended. OJ thought that her male model outshined her, which is patently untrue, but it's OJ. Can't expect competence from him. Tyra says that Brittany can't let that happen, because male models are supposed to be accessories in this type of shot. She apologizes to Nigel, who used to be a male model. The fact that they don't flash some of his old shots up on screen is criminal.
Natasha. Her "lateness" is brought up as well, but Priscilla says that she handled it very well. Natasha grins. Shot of Brittany looking sour. Natasha's "man" shot is typical Natasha. That is, the judges love it, and I don't understand why. Her lips are pursed unnaturally, and her hair doesn't look good. As if she heard me, Tyra says that this is the one time it's OK to purse your lips like that (presumably, the "Hey, male reader! I so want to give you a blowjob right now!" look). And blast it all to the depths of hell, the judges like her unimpressive "woman" shot as well. Her nose looks huge in that picture! Karl freaking Malden would be, like, "Damn, what a schnozz". Tyra says that the one problem is that Natasha does "the turtle" a lot, which is when she hunches her shoulders. Jaslene. Her challenge win is mentioned. Her "man" shot is all right, but she's got a large swath of hair blowing in front of her face, which means that my eye wants to be drawn to the male model, rather than her. Tyra and Nigel feel that her eye contact overcomes the hair. I disagree, but were that hair out of the way, it would be a really strong shot. Her "woman" shot certainly emphasizes how skinny she is. The judges love it. It is good, but I have to say that my favorite thing about it is the cloud cover in the background. I don't know, Jaslene certainly photographs well, but she kind of bores me.
Dionne. Tyra again brings up her tendency to look mean. The "man" shot is showing, and I have to say, she doesn't look any meaner than any of the other girls. Isn't smoldering at the camera a plus in the "man" picture? Miss J asks for three poses right there at panel, and Tyra declares all three of them mean. Which they pretty much were. Dionne giggles, and says she didn't realize she was doing that naturally until the judges told her. Her "woman" shot is taken to task for the strength in her face, since her male model looks far more serene than she. Tyra also criticizes her for her tendency to need too much direction. Then she tells Dionne that she needs to listen to her photographer. Um. So... "Dionne, don't rely on other people to tell you what to do. And while we're at it, make sure to listen to your photographer!" So articulate, that Tyra. Renee. Her "man" shot looks great. She has terrific eye contact with the camera, while still interacting with her male model. She's also really making the most of her non-existent butt, which Tyra appreciates. Her "woman" shot is equally good. Her arms are gracefully clasped above her head, and I don't know how she arches her back like that without a great deal of physical pain. Priscilla loves it. Tyra loves how Renee accentuated different parts of her body depending on which shot she was modeling for. The girls are dismissed.
Commercials. I sincerely hope my skin's pores aren't composed of sighing women draped with towels.
Deliberations. Opera House -- #20. Natasha has "got the whole package", apparently. Still not seeing it, folks. Brittany is photogenic, but nobody likes her. Miss J points out that it's the first time ever on this show that a girl failed to impress a single designer. The judges seem puzzled over her lack of personality, and Tyra points out that no matter how good your pictures are, if you can't get hired, you may as well not exist. Twiggy thinks Jaslene is the opposite of Brittany -- warm and lovely. Well, I wouldn't go that far. Tyra admires Jaslene's versatility. Dionne's photographs are the weakest this week, and she's starting to revert to looking like a mallrat at panel. Priscilla thought Renee was too "commercial" at first. Tyra agrees that Renee has the ability to make money, but fears that she'll always be a "catalog" girl. I really hate that criticism -- models are either commercially accessible or they're runway-friendly. They're rarely both. I can't envision Kate Moss shilling laundry detergent anytime soon. Plus, it's enormously unfair to consider a commercial look as a detriment, when a big part of this competition is the ability to work well with tweeny magazines and a cosmetics company. The winner won't exactly be strutting the runways of Milan, so knock it off with the "Oh, she'd look good in a catalog, but that's it" bullshit. Anyhow, Priscilla does say that Renee really changed her mind with her wonderful photographs, so "good on her" for that. I love that phrase. The judges reach a decision.
Elimination. Five girls, four sets of photos. Jaslene is called first this week. She smiles that huge Joker grin of hers, and good God, I could put a basketball through her hoop earrings. Natasha is safe. Renee. Will Dionne and Brittany please step forward? Brittany has taken consistently beautiful photographs, but has the personality of a sponge. Dionne's pictures have been "nice", but not as strong as Brittany's, and she needs far too much coaching. I'm convinced Brittany's photographs are strong enough to save her, but I'm wrong, thank goodness, and Dionne gets her photographs. Tyra cautions her against being "too strong", and tells her to soften it up a bit. Brittany gets a hug, and Tyra tells her to work on learning how to get jobs booked. Well, I guess that's nicer than "try not to have such a sucky personality". Oddly, the girl who cried every time someone looked at her cross-eyed is remarkably stoic as she hugs the girls goodbye and leaves. In her final interview (Opera House -- #21), she says she has a lot to work on. She's shocked by how emotional she got, because she's usually not like that, and didn't know how to handle it when it happened. I can buy that. As she says she's happy for the experience that a lot of other girls would be happy to have, we see her portfolio. It's good. She closes by saying that this was a great opportunity, and a lot of fun, except for the Weave That Destroyed Tokyo. She may have left that last part out. Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Aboriginal history. Fine, as long as it's not as depressing as South African history. Body paint. Natasha gets sick, and misses out on a night out with the girls, during which Renee hopes Natasha gets eliminated. You and me both, sister.
Overall Grade: A-
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
The Girl Who Picks A Fight
America's Next Top Model - Season 8, Episode 9
Previously on America's Next Top Model: The entire season. Want to relive it? Me too! Yes, it has come time for the clip show, the better to illuminate the moments of the season that we've only seen five thousand times before, thanks to the sepia-toned flashbacks. [As in seasons past, if I'm glossing over something in a previous episode, it will be in square brackets.]
As usual, we open on a gazillion shots of Tyra, as she talks about how difficult it is to be a model. My heart fails to swell with sympathy and admiration. Shots of girls from previous seasons. Aw, I miss Toccara. Aw, I don't miss Nicole. There are bits of this season's girls in their audition videos, and the thirty-three semi-finalists arrive in Los Angeles. Now that I'm used to the makeovers, it's always such a jarring experience going back and seeing what the girls looked like before. [Model boot camp. One-on-one interviews. Thirteen girls made it to the show proper, including two plus-size models.] Not that either one of them is going to go on and win the season, but let's not step on Tyra's moment of being all proud of herself for allowing people over a size two to dream of modeling success. Only five girls are left: Brittany, Dionne, Natasha, Jaslene, and Renee. If I had to guess who's going to win this season right now, I'd go for Jaslene. Not that I like her that much, or think she deserves it. I just think Tyra wants to be able to say she's picked a Latina winner. You know how she likes to embrace diversity, credentials be damned. Also in this segment, we get a preview of a screaming match between Dionne and Renee.
Opening credits. LabRat: "So, nobody's getting eliminated tonight?" Limecrete: "No." LabRat: "That's stupid."
Los Angeles. [The girls went straight to their first photo shoot -- the one where they were asked to "take a stand" on controversial topics, including their right to...stand around in front of doors and walls. Felicia did well. Natasha and Kathleen sucked. The girls freaked out over the model pad.] Since the pad came equipped with a runway, the girls decided to stage a mock fashion show. All the participants had to dress and act like one of the others. Cassandra puts on whiteface and affects a cartoonish Russian accent. Natasha puts on a giant afro, and plumps out her booty. Kathleen puts on preppy WASP clothes. Sarah punks herself out. Whitney is the announcer, and naturally speaks into a hairbrush microphone. As you do. The "judges" are Jael, Felicia, and Samantha, whose impression of Mischa Barton is sitting around with ridiculously oversized sunglasses, looking skinny, bored, and talentless. In other words, she's dead-on. Jaslene flames around in a Vegas showgirl outfit.
Let's start the show. Sarah is boring. Natasha is rather awesomely horrible. Jael asks her how many letters there are in the alphabet. "Eet depends ahn mai muud," Natasha snorts. And now, here comes Cassandra (or "Ivonika" in the mock fashion show) to steal the entire thing. She comes out with her powdered face and short blond wig and yells in her thick Russian accent. "I'm Ivonika. Ears open, mouth shut." She commands the judges to tell her what they think of her outfit. Felicia is petrified of her. Hehe. "You will bow down to me! I am from Russia!" Dionne grins. Renee looks bored. Kathleen affects a valley girl accent. Fake judging time. It looks like Natasha and Cassandra are the finalists, but Felicia tells them that neither of them wins, and they'll be paid not to take the contract because they suck so hard. Cassandra bellows "I am from Russia! I am out of here!" There's a hilarious fake Back to the Future fadeout. [The real judging was less cheery. Tyra tried to pawn a crappy photo shoot concept off onto the girls. Kathleen was eliminated.]
Back at the model pad, Jael puts on a long wig (think Alanis Morissette in her unwashed, angry days), and flits around with red, glittery pom-poms. She corners the other girls and shakes the pom-poms in their faces, even whapping Renee on the head. Awesome. Renee interviews that Jael is like a female Kramer. Presumably without the raging racism. Jael doesn't let up on her pom-pom attack, and Renee yells at her to stop. Jael won't leave Renee alone, and Renee calls her a hemorrhoid. "You can't get rid of me," Jael stage whispers. Afraid that having Jael as a roommate would suck (which it probably would -- let's be honest), Renee switched bedrooms. Upon learning of this, Jael got upset. Renee calmly tells her that she just needs her space, and Jael says she wishes Renee would have said something. Which she did, and Jael ignored. Jael rather angrily asks why Renee would move her stuff out. "So I can get some more sleep," Renee says. Jael doesn't really have a response to that. A second preview of the Dionne/Renee fight.
Commercials. Nair would like you to know that the main difference between this era and the '70s is that people dance a lot sluttier now.
[Miss J tested the girls on their walks and taught them some choreography for the prom runway show challenge at the high school. Jaslene was overconfident. Sarah's non-boobs popped out. Jaslene was called out as the worst of the challenge, and the fading of her smug smile still brings me great joy. Back at the pad, Felicia indulges in some idle (and true) gossip that tension is running high because Jaslene isn't at the top of the pack anymore. Jaslene heard her and (sort of) confronted Felicia about it.] Later, Jaslene is still upset, and tells the other girls that she would never be so phony as to smile at you, then talk about you behind your back later. She's very blunt, and will tell you "out loud". Yeah, Jaslene will stab you in the front, not the back. Isn't she a nice person? She interviews that she needs to keep her "guards" up at all times.
Later, the girls go out for a picnic at a park with a playground. It looks fun. Jaslene unloads all her problems (while still managing to brag) to Cassandra, who sits there nodding like a good sport. Cassandra interviews that she likes Jaslene, because she's "deeper than just what you see on the surface". I'm going to need some proof of that. Renee misses her kid, and would "give anything" to be able to take him to the park right now. The melodrama! It burns! Samantha complains in an interview about how Renee is always going on and on about her baby. [High school "cliche" photo shoot.] Natasha's stylist burns her with the curling iron. Ouch! OJ drama queens that it could be a third-degree burn (it's not), and Natasha interviews that she still needs to do well at the photo shoot. [Which she didn't. Samantha had trouble acting like a slut, and was eliminated for it.]
Montage of Jael working the hula hoop. She's really very good at it, doing some tricks and being able to dance around while keeping it circling. I can't keep those things up for more than a couple of seconds. [Makeovers. The Weave That Destroyed Tokyo took up residence on Brittany's head. Jael's weave took eight hours, and was ripped out four seconds later. Brittany had the nerve to be upset that she was in constant pain, and Whitney gave her a stern lecture about how tears are only appropriate when a loved one is cut down by gunfire. Renee and Diana gossiped about Brittany, so Brittany and Renee got into a fight. Ice cream photo shoot.] Cassandra's hand goes numb from the ice cream she's holding, but she soldiers through the photo shoot anyway. Once she's done, the pain doesn't go away, and she winds up needing a trip to the ER. It turns out she's got frostbite. Ouch! There's nothing to be done but sit around and wait for the skin to heal. And since this is truly the Season of Disaster, a toothache strikes Natasha at about the same time. She heads for the dentist, and it turns out her wisdom tooth has a large cavity, and needs to be extracted. At this point I turn away from the television, but can guess what's being shown by the revulsion on LabRat's face. [Cassandra got eliminated, which the photo supports, but is still kind of an asshole move to pull in the same week that she gamely participated in a shoot that sent her to the hospital.] A third preview of the Dionne/Renee fight. At this point, it's been hyped so much that anything less than one of them biting off a chunk of the other one's ear will be a letdown.
Commercials. Big honking cars are apparently a design inspiration for women's clothing designers. Because the two have so much in common.
In the Accusing Parlor, Brittany and Renee chat about nothing in particular. Out of nowhere, Dionne basically accuses them (it ain't called the Accusing Parlor for nothing) of being phony, because they were fighting before, and now they're all buddy-buddy. "Just because you don't hold a grudge doesn't mean that you're fake," Renee says. Dionne tells them it just seems like the two of them aren't acting "real". Jeez, these girls sure put a lot of stock in acting "real". The entire basis of etiquette is knowing when it's appropriate to sublimate your own feelings. I have no idea where the concept that you must express every emotion you have at every moment you have it came from, but I'm not a fan. Dionne actually starts yelling, and where on Earth is this coming from? What the hell does it even have to do with her? Renee, still fairly calm at this point, tells her that if she has a fight with Brittany, and they're able to work through it, why shouldn't they be nice to each other from then on? And really...DUH. Dionne predicts that they'll be at each other's throats again within a couple of days. Renee doesn't see what that has to do with them being "fake", and Dionne gets up and walks over to scream in Renee's face. Renee stands up and screams right back. Felicia separates them. Brittany makes her first contribution as she wonders what the original fight has to do with Dionne at all. THANK YOU. Dionne keeps screaming about them being fake or whatever, and Renee and Brittany just shrug at each other and shake their heads, like, "There's no reasoning with the insane."
Wait, was that the whole fight? Ripoff! I was wondering for a while why they didn't include that in the actual episode, but I guess they were still working the Renee-as-bitch and Dionne-as-scrappy-go-getter angle at that point, and making the former look reasonable and the latter like a mental patient would have screwed with the story arcs. [Posing lesson with Benny Ninja. Bank laser challenge, which Whitney won. Crime scene photo shoot. Felicia looked too dead, and got eliminated.] In another scene that could never be shown because it makes Renee look good, she and Natasha clean the horribly disgusting bathroom in which the other girls have left dirt, trash, and chunks of hair. Eeeeeew. People are always beating up on men for being dirty and gross, but I have to say, I have had to clean restrooms at the restaurants I cater at, and the women's room is always worse. ALWAYS. Jael passes through and asks what they're doing. Renee whispers to Natasha "This is called 'cleaning'. This is how you do it." Hehe. Renee leaves a note telling the other girls that if they don't have a friend in the house, they should make all-purpose cleaner their best friend. They show a shot of the cleanser bottle, and add a twinkle and a "ding!" for good measure. Renee realizes the note may be a bit snide but leaves it up, even as she bemoans having no friends in the pad. [Drag king photo shoot. Natasha cracked people up with her faux hip-hop attitude. Diana was boring, and got eliminated.]
Commercials. If I'm going to entrust my safety to a security guard, it's definitely going to be the one who spends half his shift looking at his picture phone, and the other half asleep.
[The girls got ready for their swanky party. Renee started her love affair with head scarves. Jael acted nutty. Renee slagged her to Nicole Richie, who gleefully sowed discord. Back at the pad, Jael and Renee got into a fight. Composite photo shoot. Sarah's shots were posed and unnatural, and she got eliminated.] Later, the girls met with Tia Mowry, and had an acting challenge we haven't seen yet. They had to put on a fake judging panel, with Whitney and Brittany as the "bottom two". Jael is Twiggy, and does a horrendous British accent that causes Tia's face to crinkle in pain. Jaslene is Miss J. Makes sense. Natasha is Tyra, and does the "I'm sensitive and caring" bit Tyra's so fond of, while managing to incorporate the phrase "brown sisters". Tia's eyes bug out of her head. We don't see much of Dionne's Nigel, but Renee is impressively self-satisfied as OJ. Brittany and Whitney are fake double-eliminated. [Acting challenge with Efren Ramirez. Renee won, and chose Dionne to share in the reward. Dionne's confusion makes a little more sense now, in light of the fight in the Accusing Parlor. The prize was crappy T-shirts, followed by a visit from their families.] Jael has fun playing with Dionne's daughter and Renee's son. Renee is happy that her kid's having such a good time.
[Classic Top Model moments photo shoot.] Bre takes the opportunity to make amends with Kim over their whole fight they had. She says the stress of the competition made them enemies, and if they had met in different circumstances, they'd be best friends. Kim has already let go of all this, and tells Bre that her apology is totally accepted. Bre drifts off into nostalgia about the good times they had. [Dionne had trouble portraying a "freaking lesbo". I'm still not happy about that. She was able to relax, so my love for her is merely tarnished, rather than destroyed. Whitney's personality could no longer save her from crappy photos, and she got eliminated.]
Commercials. Only in the Land of Commercials do people prefer diet soda over ice cream.
[April from Season 2 dropped by to go over interviewing skills. The girls learned they were going to Australia. Natasha drove a poor, defenseless kangaroo to insanity with the pitch of her squeals. The girls went to Sydney and interviewed some locals.] Renee forces a lot of people into acting like chickens. [Australian accent CoverGirl commercial. Brittany's Memory Issue -- #8. One wonders how she breezed through the acting challenge the week before. Jael wasn't easy, breezy, or beautiful enough, and she got eliminated.] Now, five girls remain. Jaslene, the "spicy Latina" from Chicago, Illinois. Didn't the obligation to use "spicy" to describe every single Latino/a person in the world expire a couple of years ago? I don't miss it. Natasha, the "ever-enthusiastic Russian with the infectious smile." Heh. I like that "ever-enthusiastic". It's like "she sucks, but she certainly commits, doesn't she?". Dionne, the "sassy stunner" from Montgomery, Alabama. Brittany, the "photogenic beauty" from Savannah, Georgia. And Renee, the "sexy mommy" from Maui, Hawaii. Who will become America's Next Top Model? Only a Natasha win would send me into paroxysms of rage, so I'm liking my odds.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: More Opera House shots. The girls go on go-sees. Brittany freaks the fuck out.
Overall Grade: B-
Previously on America's Next Top Model: The entire season. Want to relive it? Me too! Yes, it has come time for the clip show, the better to illuminate the moments of the season that we've only seen five thousand times before, thanks to the sepia-toned flashbacks. [As in seasons past, if I'm glossing over something in a previous episode, it will be in square brackets.]
As usual, we open on a gazillion shots of Tyra, as she talks about how difficult it is to be a model. My heart fails to swell with sympathy and admiration. Shots of girls from previous seasons. Aw, I miss Toccara. Aw, I don't miss Nicole. There are bits of this season's girls in their audition videos, and the thirty-three semi-finalists arrive in Los Angeles. Now that I'm used to the makeovers, it's always such a jarring experience going back and seeing what the girls looked like before. [Model boot camp. One-on-one interviews. Thirteen girls made it to the show proper, including two plus-size models.] Not that either one of them is going to go on and win the season, but let's not step on Tyra's moment of being all proud of herself for allowing people over a size two to dream of modeling success. Only five girls are left: Brittany, Dionne, Natasha, Jaslene, and Renee. If I had to guess who's going to win this season right now, I'd go for Jaslene. Not that I like her that much, or think she deserves it. I just think Tyra wants to be able to say she's picked a Latina winner. You know how she likes to embrace diversity, credentials be damned. Also in this segment, we get a preview of a screaming match between Dionne and Renee.
Opening credits. LabRat: "So, nobody's getting eliminated tonight?" Limecrete: "No." LabRat: "That's stupid."
Los Angeles. [The girls went straight to their first photo shoot -- the one where they were asked to "take a stand" on controversial topics, including their right to...stand around in front of doors and walls. Felicia did well. Natasha and Kathleen sucked. The girls freaked out over the model pad.] Since the pad came equipped with a runway, the girls decided to stage a mock fashion show. All the participants had to dress and act like one of the others. Cassandra puts on whiteface and affects a cartoonish Russian accent. Natasha puts on a giant afro, and plumps out her booty. Kathleen puts on preppy WASP clothes. Sarah punks herself out. Whitney is the announcer, and naturally speaks into a hairbrush microphone. As you do. The "judges" are Jael, Felicia, and Samantha, whose impression of Mischa Barton is sitting around with ridiculously oversized sunglasses, looking skinny, bored, and talentless. In other words, she's dead-on. Jaslene flames around in a Vegas showgirl outfit.
Let's start the show. Sarah is boring. Natasha is rather awesomely horrible. Jael asks her how many letters there are in the alphabet. "Eet depends ahn mai muud," Natasha snorts. And now, here comes Cassandra (or "Ivonika" in the mock fashion show) to steal the entire thing. She comes out with her powdered face and short blond wig and yells in her thick Russian accent. "I'm Ivonika. Ears open, mouth shut." She commands the judges to tell her what they think of her outfit. Felicia is petrified of her. Hehe. "You will bow down to me! I am from Russia!" Dionne grins. Renee looks bored. Kathleen affects a valley girl accent. Fake judging time. It looks like Natasha and Cassandra are the finalists, but Felicia tells them that neither of them wins, and they'll be paid not to take the contract because they suck so hard. Cassandra bellows "I am from Russia! I am out of here!" There's a hilarious fake Back to the Future fadeout. [The real judging was less cheery. Tyra tried to pawn a crappy photo shoot concept off onto the girls. Kathleen was eliminated.]
Back at the model pad, Jael puts on a long wig (think Alanis Morissette in her unwashed, angry days), and flits around with red, glittery pom-poms. She corners the other girls and shakes the pom-poms in their faces, even whapping Renee on the head. Awesome. Renee interviews that Jael is like a female Kramer. Presumably without the raging racism. Jael doesn't let up on her pom-pom attack, and Renee yells at her to stop. Jael won't leave Renee alone, and Renee calls her a hemorrhoid. "You can't get rid of me," Jael stage whispers. Afraid that having Jael as a roommate would suck (which it probably would -- let's be honest), Renee switched bedrooms. Upon learning of this, Jael got upset. Renee calmly tells her that she just needs her space, and Jael says she wishes Renee would have said something. Which she did, and Jael ignored. Jael rather angrily asks why Renee would move her stuff out. "So I can get some more sleep," Renee says. Jael doesn't really have a response to that. A second preview of the Dionne/Renee fight.
Commercials. Nair would like you to know that the main difference between this era and the '70s is that people dance a lot sluttier now.
[Miss J tested the girls on their walks and taught them some choreography for the prom runway show challenge at the high school. Jaslene was overconfident. Sarah's non-boobs popped out. Jaslene was called out as the worst of the challenge, and the fading of her smug smile still brings me great joy. Back at the pad, Felicia indulges in some idle (and true) gossip that tension is running high because Jaslene isn't at the top of the pack anymore. Jaslene heard her and (sort of) confronted Felicia about it.] Later, Jaslene is still upset, and tells the other girls that she would never be so phony as to smile at you, then talk about you behind your back later. She's very blunt, and will tell you "out loud". Yeah, Jaslene will stab you in the front, not the back. Isn't she a nice person? She interviews that she needs to keep her "guards" up at all times.
Later, the girls go out for a picnic at a park with a playground. It looks fun. Jaslene unloads all her problems (while still managing to brag) to Cassandra, who sits there nodding like a good sport. Cassandra interviews that she likes Jaslene, because she's "deeper than just what you see on the surface". I'm going to need some proof of that. Renee misses her kid, and would "give anything" to be able to take him to the park right now. The melodrama! It burns! Samantha complains in an interview about how Renee is always going on and on about her baby. [High school "cliche" photo shoot.] Natasha's stylist burns her with the curling iron. Ouch! OJ drama queens that it could be a third-degree burn (it's not), and Natasha interviews that she still needs to do well at the photo shoot. [Which she didn't. Samantha had trouble acting like a slut, and was eliminated for it.]
Montage of Jael working the hula hoop. She's really very good at it, doing some tricks and being able to dance around while keeping it circling. I can't keep those things up for more than a couple of seconds. [Makeovers. The Weave That Destroyed Tokyo took up residence on Brittany's head. Jael's weave took eight hours, and was ripped out four seconds later. Brittany had the nerve to be upset that she was in constant pain, and Whitney gave her a stern lecture about how tears are only appropriate when a loved one is cut down by gunfire. Renee and Diana gossiped about Brittany, so Brittany and Renee got into a fight. Ice cream photo shoot.] Cassandra's hand goes numb from the ice cream she's holding, but she soldiers through the photo shoot anyway. Once she's done, the pain doesn't go away, and she winds up needing a trip to the ER. It turns out she's got frostbite. Ouch! There's nothing to be done but sit around and wait for the skin to heal. And since this is truly the Season of Disaster, a toothache strikes Natasha at about the same time. She heads for the dentist, and it turns out her wisdom tooth has a large cavity, and needs to be extracted. At this point I turn away from the television, but can guess what's being shown by the revulsion on LabRat's face. [Cassandra got eliminated, which the photo supports, but is still kind of an asshole move to pull in the same week that she gamely participated in a shoot that sent her to the hospital.] A third preview of the Dionne/Renee fight. At this point, it's been hyped so much that anything less than one of them biting off a chunk of the other one's ear will be a letdown.
Commercials. Big honking cars are apparently a design inspiration for women's clothing designers. Because the two have so much in common.
In the Accusing Parlor, Brittany and Renee chat about nothing in particular. Out of nowhere, Dionne basically accuses them (it ain't called the Accusing Parlor for nothing) of being phony, because they were fighting before, and now they're all buddy-buddy. "Just because you don't hold a grudge doesn't mean that you're fake," Renee says. Dionne tells them it just seems like the two of them aren't acting "real". Jeez, these girls sure put a lot of stock in acting "real". The entire basis of etiquette is knowing when it's appropriate to sublimate your own feelings. I have no idea where the concept that you must express every emotion you have at every moment you have it came from, but I'm not a fan. Dionne actually starts yelling, and where on Earth is this coming from? What the hell does it even have to do with her? Renee, still fairly calm at this point, tells her that if she has a fight with Brittany, and they're able to work through it, why shouldn't they be nice to each other from then on? And really...DUH. Dionne predicts that they'll be at each other's throats again within a couple of days. Renee doesn't see what that has to do with them being "fake", and Dionne gets up and walks over to scream in Renee's face. Renee stands up and screams right back. Felicia separates them. Brittany makes her first contribution as she wonders what the original fight has to do with Dionne at all. THANK YOU. Dionne keeps screaming about them being fake or whatever, and Renee and Brittany just shrug at each other and shake their heads, like, "There's no reasoning with the insane."
Wait, was that the whole fight? Ripoff! I was wondering for a while why they didn't include that in the actual episode, but I guess they were still working the Renee-as-bitch and Dionne-as-scrappy-go-getter angle at that point, and making the former look reasonable and the latter like a mental patient would have screwed with the story arcs. [Posing lesson with Benny Ninja. Bank laser challenge, which Whitney won. Crime scene photo shoot. Felicia looked too dead, and got eliminated.] In another scene that could never be shown because it makes Renee look good, she and Natasha clean the horribly disgusting bathroom in which the other girls have left dirt, trash, and chunks of hair. Eeeeeew. People are always beating up on men for being dirty and gross, but I have to say, I have had to clean restrooms at the restaurants I cater at, and the women's room is always worse. ALWAYS. Jael passes through and asks what they're doing. Renee whispers to Natasha "This is called 'cleaning'. This is how you do it." Hehe. Renee leaves a note telling the other girls that if they don't have a friend in the house, they should make all-purpose cleaner their best friend. They show a shot of the cleanser bottle, and add a twinkle and a "ding!" for good measure. Renee realizes the note may be a bit snide but leaves it up, even as she bemoans having no friends in the pad. [Drag king photo shoot. Natasha cracked people up with her faux hip-hop attitude. Diana was boring, and got eliminated.]
Commercials. If I'm going to entrust my safety to a security guard, it's definitely going to be the one who spends half his shift looking at his picture phone, and the other half asleep.
[The girls got ready for their swanky party. Renee started her love affair with head scarves. Jael acted nutty. Renee slagged her to Nicole Richie, who gleefully sowed discord. Back at the pad, Jael and Renee got into a fight. Composite photo shoot. Sarah's shots were posed and unnatural, and she got eliminated.] Later, the girls met with Tia Mowry, and had an acting challenge we haven't seen yet. They had to put on a fake judging panel, with Whitney and Brittany as the "bottom two". Jael is Twiggy, and does a horrendous British accent that causes Tia's face to crinkle in pain. Jaslene is Miss J. Makes sense. Natasha is Tyra, and does the "I'm sensitive and caring" bit Tyra's so fond of, while managing to incorporate the phrase "brown sisters". Tia's eyes bug out of her head. We don't see much of Dionne's Nigel, but Renee is impressively self-satisfied as OJ. Brittany and Whitney are fake double-eliminated. [Acting challenge with Efren Ramirez. Renee won, and chose Dionne to share in the reward. Dionne's confusion makes a little more sense now, in light of the fight in the Accusing Parlor. The prize was crappy T-shirts, followed by a visit from their families.] Jael has fun playing with Dionne's daughter and Renee's son. Renee is happy that her kid's having such a good time.
[Classic Top Model moments photo shoot.] Bre takes the opportunity to make amends with Kim over their whole fight they had. She says the stress of the competition made them enemies, and if they had met in different circumstances, they'd be best friends. Kim has already let go of all this, and tells Bre that her apology is totally accepted. Bre drifts off into nostalgia about the good times they had. [Dionne had trouble portraying a "freaking lesbo". I'm still not happy about that. She was able to relax, so my love for her is merely tarnished, rather than destroyed. Whitney's personality could no longer save her from crappy photos, and she got eliminated.]
Commercials. Only in the Land of Commercials do people prefer diet soda over ice cream.
[April from Season 2 dropped by to go over interviewing skills. The girls learned they were going to Australia. Natasha drove a poor, defenseless kangaroo to insanity with the pitch of her squeals. The girls went to Sydney and interviewed some locals.] Renee forces a lot of people into acting like chickens. [Australian accent CoverGirl commercial. Brittany's Memory Issue -- #8. One wonders how she breezed through the acting challenge the week before. Jael wasn't easy, breezy, or beautiful enough, and she got eliminated.] Now, five girls remain. Jaslene, the "spicy Latina" from Chicago, Illinois. Didn't the obligation to use "spicy" to describe every single Latino/a person in the world expire a couple of years ago? I don't miss it. Natasha, the "ever-enthusiastic Russian with the infectious smile." Heh. I like that "ever-enthusiastic". It's like "she sucks, but she certainly commits, doesn't she?". Dionne, the "sassy stunner" from Montgomery, Alabama. Brittany, the "photogenic beauty" from Savannah, Georgia. And Renee, the "sexy mommy" from Maui, Hawaii. Who will become America's Next Top Model? Only a Natasha win would send me into paroxysms of rage, so I'm liking my odds.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: More Opera House shots. The girls go on go-sees. Brittany freaks the fuck out.
Overall Grade: B-
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