Top Chef - Season 3, Episode 14
Previously on Top Chef: Cooking. Teamwork. Acrimony. Good challenges. A bullshit challenge. Mohawks. Incompetent judging. Flop sweat. Cuteness. Tears. Egotism. A refreshing lack of backstabbing, whiny, passive-aggressive assholes. Odd Asian music. Gongs. Sexism. Enough liquor to stock an infinite number of frat parties. Four chefs remain. Who will survive to duke it out in the real finale?
Opening menu. For the first time this season, schedules refused to mesh, and I was on my own, so the gourmet menu for tonight was a bag of microwave popcorn with some garlic salt sprinkled on it. Fancy!
Aspen, Colorado. Everything is ridiculously pretty. Dale, Casey, and Brian meet at the airport. Dale looks a little naked without his beard. Casey has had some very ill-advised highlights put into her hair. We jump right into reality show patter, as Dale talks about the high stakes in Aspen. Brian mentions getting some awards in the month since the New York challenges. Hung shows up, and interviews that his skills and techniques are more advanced than his competitors'. Looks like not much has changed.
The chefs are driven through a beautiful mountainous region as Brian interviews that he grew up in an area very much like this, and that he's brought along his cowboy hat, just in case. He flashes the camera a dazzling smile. In the car, Brian gasps and clutches at Hung, who jumps about a mile. Hahaha! Brian has spotted a hot air balloon being filled, and which has the Top Chef logo on the side. Three of the chefs are thrilled. Casey, who's not the biggest fan of heights, doesn't want to go. Through the magic of television, we skip the off-camera time spent convincing her, slipping her a Valium, or pointing out the fine print in her Bravo contract that states she is now their slave, and everyone is soon soaring through the air. Mimosas are passed around. The chefs toast each other, and Brian says that he loves them all. Aw. Take a moment to consider this top four, then consider last season's top four. Yeah, it makes me happy, too.
Dale interviews about the rough year he had before the competition, which involved having "chef's block", losing his job, and getting dumped. The competition has re-energized him, which is nice to hear. Hung is competing for his family, and gives us more of the heartwarming story of immigrant success that we started to hear about last week. Hope you like it, because you're going to hear a lot about it tonight. I'm jaded enough to think that this is part of a redemption arc so that people won't be upset when Hung wins the entire contest. I've already reached that point. I'm still rooting for Casey, but I'd actually be all right with any of the four winning. It's a nice, calming feeling not to have to spend two weeks terrified that we're about to suffer another Jeffrey or Ilan. Anyhow, the balloon lands in a field near a picturesque river. Brian thinks that the balloon ride is "the quiet before the storm." He's right.
Quickfire Challenge. The always-intense music is somewhat at odds with the serene shots of a fisherman and a trout cutting its way through the water. The chefs walk up to the river, where they're met by Padma and Eric Ripert, who will serve as guest judge for this round of the finale. The chefs pay appropriate lip service to how famous and accomplished Ripert is, although I think it's a bit odd that a New York seafood chef was picked to judge a round of challenges that will have nothing to do with his area of expertise. It'd be like having Missy Elliott judge an opera contest. Padma describes the challenge. The chefs will have twenty minutes, and will be working with fresh trout. Like, died-five-minutes-ago fresh. They'll also get a frying pan, a dinky camping stove, and access to a basic selection of pantry ingredients. Dale is petrified, saying that he's a horrible seafood chef. Well, no worries, because as we're about to learn, accomplished seafood chefs aren't that skilled at working with good ol' American freshwater creatures, either. Naturally, there's no immunity, but the winner will get a useful advantage in the upcoming Elimination Challenge.
Ready? Go! This isn't the best environment for showcasing one's skills at the best of times, and these guys have had a month off, so everyone is flailing wildly. Dale has trouble scaling the fish. Brian has forgotten how hard it is to battle the clock. Casey loses some fish in the grass. Dale's cooking station rests at a slant, so his pans slide around, and the heat is applied unevenly. The only one who's not worried is Hung, who is as self-possessed as always. Brian begins struggling more and more. He has no idea what he's making, and nothing is working out. Casey is surprised that Brian would have trouble with fish, of all ingredients. Hung finishes up with seven minutes to spare. He's extremely pleased with himself as he sets the plates down, although I'd think that the fish would go cold in that amount of time. Brian has now accepted that there's no way in hell he's going to win the challenge. Padma counts down the final seconds. The moment time runs out, Hung realizes that he meant to put lemon juice on his fish, which was a major component. I don't get the deal with squirting a bunch of lemon juice on fish. My mother likes to do that, but I think it obscures the fish's flavor. Anyhow, Hung realizes he's screwed himself over.
Padma and Eric start with Brian. He's cooked the trout in rendered bacon fat, and it's served with trout eggs, red pepper, and brown butter. There's a messy pile of greens as well. Eric wonders why Brian didn't use all the fish he's cut up, and Brian says that there wouldn't have been enough time to cook it all the way through. Hey, that didn't stop Saram. Casey has made trout filet with crisped skin (intriguing), and has served it with grapes and summer corn. Sounds good. Both Padma and Eric enjoy it. Hung has made a curried filet of trout with sauteed mushrooms. I don't like mushrooms on the best of days, but they sound extra disgusting on fish. Hung makes the mistake of presenting his dish as if it had the lemon juice in it, but then has to amend his statement to admit that he forgot to include it. Eek. It's never a good idea to specify an ingredient the judges now know to miss. Eric shoots Hung a dirty look. Dale has prepared filet of trout, which is dusted with cayenne pepper, and has bourbon, rendered bacon, and sauteed apple and fennel on top. Sounds tasty.
Results. Brian was Eric's least favorite. His salad was bland, and his trout was a miss as well. An interviewer must have asked Brian about his failure, given his speciality, and Brian's response is that seafood chefs don't even consider trout to be in their purview. Dale's food didn't impress Eric, either, because the cayenne was overpowering. That leaves Hung and Casey as the favorites. Hung's was very precise, but adding the lemon juice would have provided a nice contrast. Casey's fish was well-seasoned, and the corn and grapes went well with it. Also, her dish "had a soul", which is very important. Ouch, Hung! Casey is blown away by such high praise. Eric is asked to choose a winner, and he selects Casey. She's happy about the win, but even happier about getting such a nice comment from such a well-known chef. She almost starts crying. There's a quote from Hung about how he tasted Casey's dish, and that he thinks his was more refined. Honestly, that quote sounded patched together, so I'm not going to get into a rant about rampant senses of entitlement. Hung does seem to be obsessed with a food's refinement, though. Hopefully, this experience will teach him that there's a lot more to good food than precise technique and fast knives. The chefs are sent off to their hotel, where Dale blahs about pulling his shit together for the Elimination Challenge, and Hung blahs some more about the Great Melting Pot.
Commercials. I'd find the burgers at Red Robin a lot more compelling if there were a single one in the Metro area.
Like Dale, Brian's low Quickfire placement has snapped him back into competition mode. Dale explains that all of the chefs were given $200 to bring whatever additional ingredients they'd like to use in the finale. He has brought a lot of spices. Casey has brought Asian ingredients unlikely to be provided in Aspen. Hung has also brought Asian ingredients, saying that he's ready to cook his style of food. Not so fast, sucka! Here comes the Elimination Challenge. The chefs are driven to a ranch, where Padma does her best to look Western. She says that the ranch is hosting a get-together for a bunch of rodeo riders tonight, and that the chefs will be providing the food. They'll use the supplies already delivered to the ranch, and will need to make enough food for 45 people. Whew. On first viewing, I thought she said 4500 people, and my jaw hit the ground. Hung: "What the hell do cowboys and cowgirls eat? Baked beans and baked beans and baked beans?" Mark it. Hung has completely cracked me up for the first time. Dale is similarly inexperienced with cowboy cuisine, having only spent time with cowboys in the bedroom, not the kitchen. Brian grew up on a ranch, but is still wary of what the challenge entails.
Padma tells the chefs that they'll have three hours to prep and cook their food before bringing it back to the ranch. As winner of the Quickfire, Casey is the only chef entitled to use the extra ingredients she has brought along. Dale bemoans the fact that he won't be able to use his arsenal of spices. Padma dismisses the chefs with a "see you back at the ranch", which Brian responds to with a flat "yee-haw". Hehe. The chefs head to a resort kitchen, where a staff member reveals the ingredient that they'll all be working with. Elk meat. You can imagine how that goes over with the King of Refined Cuisine. Yep, Hung is deeply unhappy at having to work with such a "heavy, boring" protein. Brian says that elk meat is gamey, and definitely not seafood. Thanks for the clarification. The chefs break, and spring into their three hours of prep. Dale interviews that there's a really specific way to cook elk, and since he knows its ins and outs, he feels like he's well-positioned for this challenge. Casey is similarly pleased, but reminds herself to decide on a method that will work within the time limit.
Brian begins working with the elk shank. He's going to prepare whiskey-braised elk shank, horseradish and sour cream potato puree, a pancetta corn asparagus relish (ick), and blackberry balsamic and sage brown butter. Dale interviews that elk meat should braise for about ten to twelve hours, so Brian's three-hour braise is going to be a tough sell. Hung works on seared elk loin, pommes boulangere, and a chocolate red wine sauce. This is the first challenge in which Hung sounds stressed and rushed. He interviews that he's not even going to attempt to cook to please the rodeo riders. He's going to cook to please the judges. I'd normally be displeased with someone willingly ignoring the audience they should be actively trying to woo, but given the way the judging has been conducted this season, I don't blame him a bit. Team Sweet-Tooth tried to please the audience by sticking to what would be served in a traditional tasting menu, and got spanked. Brian engineered a slew of appetizers on a shoestring budget to please party guests, and got spanked. At this point, I'm more than behind Hung for playing to his strengths.
Dale would like to make an onion and goat cheese tart, but the resort kitchen doesn't have cream cheese, which is an essential ingredient. He decides to give it a try, anyway. He, like Hung, will be preparing "seared elx loin", according to the titles. Just when I think the title department couldn't get worse, they sink to this. Soon, the menus will read "Dt9dnfdkgfjdkf&&dihfef 874kfjkst04g93 with sdk@@fus93r and cheese". Casey is making mushroom-crusted loin of "elx", a smoked tomato butter, some whipped and caramelized cauliflower, and poached pear. Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste, and the chefs pretend they're glad to see him. His tour through the kitchen is the usual mix of condescending looks and pointless questions. The only things of value that we learn are that Dale has gotten the best feedback over the season for his sauces, so he's spending as much time as possible on that, and that Casey won't be using any of the extra ingredients she's entitled to, because she brought those specifically for the actual finale. On his way out, Ptom tells the chefs that there will only be one contestant eliminated tonight, instead of the expected two. The chefs react with a mixture of relief and disappointment. There's less chance of being cut tonight, but more competition for the people that make it through.
Cooking montage. Dale suspects that his tart isn't going to turn out quite right, so he begins formulating a Plan B, which involves cooking potatoes and cauliflower in milk. Time begins to wind down. Hung finishes ahead of schedule again, but is a bit worried. He knows he didn't give this challenge his all, and frets that his apathy will shine through to the judges. Casey notes that Hung is done early again, and that Brian is still frantically working. Brian interviews that he wanted to do his mashed potatoes at the last minute, so that they would stay hot for transport. I gear up to whine about unrealistic expectations of Hung again, but he does the work for me. "This is a competition. If he was really in the shit -- I would help him in a real restaurant. I'm a team player. Here, you play for yourself." Exactly. Thank you. Brian finishes to applause at the almost literal last second.
Commercials. Queer Eye For the Straight Guy is ending soon. Huh, I thought it ended, like, two years ago.
The chefs are driven to the ranch. Dale points out that this challenge has the most pressure so far. Which is true, but which is also true every week. The chefs have an hour to get everything ready for service. Brian has brought along his cowboy hat. The contestants each get their own horse stall as a prep area, and their names have been spelled out on the front of the stalls in honest-to-goodness rope script. Hahaha! That is so smurfy! Casey looks forward to the challenge. Hung says that all four of them are good chefs, so he just hopes he does better. Wow, that's high praise coming from him. Not everything is sunny. Dale tastes his onion and goat cheese tart, and finds it nasty. He decides not to serve it, and tries to figure out what to do with his cauliflower and potatoes. Brian thinks his meat could have stood to braise longer, but is pleased with the way everything turned out. Dale incorporates cherries and pecans into his cauliflower/potato mixture.
Cowfolk and judges begin approaching the service area. Some guy spins a lasso around. People toss horseshoes. I'm surprised the producers didn't make them break into a number from Oklahoma! Padma tells the chefs they're looking forward to a great meal, then gleefully clangs a triangle to summon everyone to dinner. Friendly people approach and politely compliment the food. Casey presents her food to Ptom, and while I like meat on the rare side, her elk looks almost raw in the middle. Half of her cauliflower is prepared in olive oil. I'm not the hugest fan of cauliflower, but I'll have to try that some time. Two cowboys enjoy it. Eric points out how rare the meat is. Gail approaches Dale. The title department has finally figured out the intricacies of spelling a three-letter word correctly, as Dale presents his ELK loin, which is served in a huckleberry and blackberry sauce, and which has his cauliflower/potato concoction on the side. It looks really good. Dale is confident that his sauce will be well-received. Gail and Padma dig into it, and Gail mentions that Dale's food sure has a lot of different components (1).
Eric approaches Hung's table. Hung genuflects. I was going to say that Hung's meat looks as rare as Casey's, but I was mistaken. The darkness I saw wasn't raw meat, but the red wine/chocolate sauce that Hung has topped it with. Eric notes how tender the meat is, and also that Hung has made his own lemon confit to incorporate. He also approves of Hung's use of shiitake mushrooms. Hung interviews that no matter how great everything is, the judges are always going to find fault with something. Two cowfolk tell Padma that they enjoy it. Brian sells his food like a huckster, which has worked well for him before. His showmanship cracks Casey up. Padma comes to get his food, and the editors pull that trick where they dissolve from one explanation to the next to make it seem like Brian talks for an hour. His plate is very busy. Brian interviews that he did well in the challenge, and is looking forward to cooking what he wants in the final. The cowfolk love it, but Gail gripes that it took him forever to describe his meal, because there's so much going on with it (2). The meal concludes, and the cowfolk ride off into the sunset, because I'm sure none of them own cars. The chefs fret over their chances of being eliminated.
Commercials. After a doctor's makeover, she is "defining fashion" for her hospital. Well, good. I personally don't care how medically qualified my physician is. She'd just better be able to work a miniskirt.
Judges' Table. The colors are thankfully more muted than in the past couple of panels. The judges agree that everything was good, but they have to start nitpicking, so they can make an elimination. In the back, Brian and Dale agree that both of their plates were a "carnival" of ingredients (3). Casey doesn't understand how or why they incorporate so much, saying that it's not her style of cooking. Eric's favorite dish of the evening was Dale's. Gail was astounded by how many ingredients he used (4). Ptom thinks Hung's food had "seasonal disorder". It gets depressed in the winter? No, he thinks the elk was garnished with summery ingredients, but that the potatoes were more suited for autumn. As in challenges past, his food is considered technically proficient, but almost too controlled. Padma loved Brian's elk, but Eric's portion was dry. Ptom points out that Brian had a ton of ingredients on the plate (5). Casey's meat was too rare, and her cauliflower wasn't popular, either. Eric did love her tomato sauce.
The chefs are summoned to the table. Odd Asian music. Gong. Padma tells them that overall, everything was excellent, but someone still has to go home. Dale explains that his game meals have always been well-received, and that he's proud of what he did tonight. He also details his issues with the goat cheese tart, and what he did to fix the situation. He's complimented on the sauce. Eric asks why he used so many components (6). Dale says that there was definitely a lot going on, but that it was a "controlled chaos". Casey describes her dish. Ptom tells her about his problems with putting chunks of cauliflower into a nice, smooth puree, and also points out how rare her meat was. She is also complimented on her sauce. Hung is asked how he felt about the challenge in general, and also how he got a feel for the people he was cooking for. How intuitive of the judges to work out that Hung didn't enjoy the challenge's parameters! That's not contrived at all! Hung admits to cooking for the judges first and the clientele second. The judges don't really respond to that, but Ptom tells him that although he's the most technically proficient chef, they don't really see a personality in his food. Hung promises to prove himself in the finals. Brian is asked what he didn't include on his plate (7). Brian laughs that off, but is clearly unamused. He says that what he did worked out "impressively nice", but agrees with the judges that a jazzy presentation is part of how he operates. Eric asks why there was a choice of cheeses, when it's really Brian's role to select an appropriate cheese for the diner. Brian doesn't have a good response to that.
Padma asks each of the chefs to outline the reasons they should make it to the finals. Dale details the harsh year leading up to the competition, and talks about how he's been "reborn" and how "he's a chef again". This is the sort of story that reality show producers eat with a spoon, so that was well-played on his part. I mean, I'm sure he was being genuine, but he really painted it in a clever way. Casey says that she's a hard worker, and that she never stops studying to make herself a better chef. Hung takes what I think is the wrong tack on his part, and talks about how he cooks with love and soul, thanks to his immigrant upbringing. He's aiming to be as heartwarming as Dale, but being warm and cuddly is not his forte, and both the judges and the audience know it. Brian says that he cooks for the multitudes, but that he hasn't had the opportunity to cook his way for the judges. He believes everyone would love to see what would result when he gets to be creative. Padma thanks the chefs, and dismisses them.
Deliberations. Gail thinks Dale's was the strongest, as do Ptom and Eric. Padma says that... Sing it if you know it, there was too much on the plate (8). I really wish they'd explain this. Nothing is ever said about Dale's flavors competing with each other, or being overwhelming, or anything. Nope, they just assume that something must be wrong with a dish if it's got a lot of ingredients incorporated. This is the one thing that bugged me in an otherwise excellent episode. Eight mentions of "too much", and no reason ever given of why that's a detriment. Hung's dish was precise, but didn't showcase the elk. Brian's should have been stronger than it was, and not choosing a cheese himself was a cop-out. Ptom disliked Casey's cauliflower, and the meat was way too rare, but her sauce was delightful. The chefs drown their anxiety in wine. The judges ponder.
Commercials. I'm surprised they even gave this new show a title other than Filler While You Wait For Project Runway.
Elimination. Well, first there must be a winner. Ptom says that all four of them have produced great dishes over the course of the season. Eric gets to announce the winner of this particular challenge, and it's Dale. Dale is pleased with his "first win". Well, it's his first if you don't count getting to skip an Elimination Challenge to play footsie with the guest judge. He's thrilled to get a win when it most counted, as this naturally means he will be cooking in the finals. He also gets to go do a culinary demonstration with Eric at an event in the Cayman Islands. Sweeeeeeet. Dale says that it is the biggest honor of his life. Ptom compliments Casey's flavors, Hung's skills, and Brian's spirit, but it's still time for one of them to go. Brian, please pack your knives and go. Casey and Hung almost pass out.
Brian goes to shake the judges' hands as he interviews how far he's come. He tells the other chefs not to worry about him, and gives them all hugs. He's enjoyed the experience and made some excellent friends. He tells the other chefs that there's no reason to shed tears for him. Dale interviews that seeing him go is really tough. Brian is happy with how he's performed, and is proud of the fact that he didn't play it safe, saying that if making risky dishes is what sent him home, then he's riding home on a "magical carpet". Heh. Our Ozzian final four has come to an end. Hung's got brains, Casey's got heart, Dale's got a homey soul, and Brian had the courage. That courage cost him the competition, but I have no doubt he'll do well for himself. Who of the illustrious final three will take home the ruby slippers? Someone deserving! Yay!
Overall Grade: A
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Monday, September 24, 2007
Manhattan Project
Top Chef - Season 3, Episode 13
Previously on Top Chef: The chefs were ecstatic to head for New York, but were stopped in their tracks by Newark and a tough airline challenge. Once Anthony Bourdain and Ptom discovered their mutual disdain for CJ's side dish, they fed off of each other, snowballing a bowl of broccolini into the worst dish ever served. Their disgust was insurmountable, leading to CJ's elimination. Five chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening menu. Wine. Lots of it.
Weird, performance-arty music welcomes us to New York City. The chefs are excited to have made it this far. Dale says that he's a big, gay chef that's going to outcook your ass. Sounds like the premise for a wacko Christian horror film. The chefs stop by a vendor cart to pick up some street grub, and though I was convinced that this would have some implications in the upcoming challenges, it doesn't. Casey is bemused, but pleased that she's been doing so well in the past couple of rounds. Brian describes walking around the city, but all I can focus on is the hat that's about to swallow his head.
Quickfire Challenge. The chefs have now changed into their work outfits, and carry their knife cases into Le Cirque. This is the restaurant's third location, which Dale says is unheard of. Really? That seems odd to me, but I live in one of those sprawling cities where everything is really spread out. I'll have to ask one of my New York friends about that. The restaurant is really pretty, and the chefs meander into the dining room, where they are met by Padma and a dapper old fellow named Sirio Maccioni, who owns the restaurant. He's described as a legend, and while I don't know anything about that, he certainly does seem to be one of the "old guard", when owning and operating a restaurant was about more than trying to secure a show on Food Network or having a line of spices sold in every neighborhood supermarket. The chefs are invited to sit, and are presented with a dish to eat. It's a piece of white sea-bass wrapped in a thin layer of potato, and served on a bed of leeks and mushrooms. Casey interviews that Sirio told them the history of this particular dish, and how it's not even on the menu; it's only presented to special guests. Everyone savors it, which is a good thing, because their Quickfire Challenge is to recreate it. They'll work one at a time in Le Cirque's kitchen, and they'll only have twenty-five minutes to get everything ready.
The chefs head back, where as Brian puts it, the restaurant's chefs look at them like "Who the fuck are you?" I have to agree. They don't look happy. One of them points out where the contestants will be working, and asks if they have any questions. Hung asks what number they use on their slicers, and the Le Cirque chef cocks an eyebrow and says that they hand slice the potatoes. Burn! Dale asks about blanching the leeks, and Saram ascertains that the potatoes are not steamed before peeling. That out of the way, all the chefs save Hung are dismissed. He gets started, saying that he's not intimidated by the challenge at all, because one of the easiest things to do is duplicate something that's already been presented to you. Once he's done patting himself on the back, he does give us some helpful information, in that one of the toughest things to do is make sure the potato is sliced perfectly. If it's too thick, it won't brown. If it's too thin, it'll burn. He easily finishes on time, and presents his dish to Sirio and Padma. Sirio approves, calling it "close to the original". "BRAAAK! Very close to the original!" Padma parrots.
Hung goes back to where the other chefs await and congratulates himself on a job well done. He must be a blast at dinner parties. Dale asks him about some of his preparation methods, and Hung mildly responds that he can't tell him about any of that. Saram gives him a dirty look. Oh, please. Dale interviews that they're all after the prize but that "there's a difference", and that Hung is a "different type of chef". The reason that that sentence doesn't seem to make any sense is because it doesn't. Hung can be a total ass, but again, he's not obligated to do your work for you. We see Dale, Brian, and Casey cooking in rapid succession. Casey mentions something about how there are very few female chefs in the industry, so she has to work extra hard for the respect she feels she's entitled to as an executive chef. Dale's nervous, and can't figure out how to use the potato slicer. Maybe he should ask Hung for help, then get all mad when Hung assumes that Dale should be competent enough to work it out on his own.
Dale presents his food, and Silvio says that there are no seasonings on it. "BRAAAK! No seasonings!" says Padma. Somebody give her a cracker. Surely it can't be a coincidence that this was aired on International Talk Like a Pirate Day. Brian's tastes good, but the presentation is off. His potato looks burnt, and doesn't wrap all the way around the fish, as it should. Casey gets high marks. Sirio calls it "better than any". Casey quietly plays off her success in front of the other chefs, but Dale is quick to point out that Casey's recent triumphs are killing Hung. He says that Hung is the better chef technically, but Casey's the one to beat, because she has "heart", so her food tastes better than the heartless Hung's. Ouch!
Saram, like Hung, gets a cooking segment all to herself. Unfortunately, it's not because she's doing well. She has problems from the get-go. She can't find things in the strange kitchen. She feels like she's inconveniencing the restaurant chefs, who are trying to get work done all around her (I feel her on that one; I'd be so worried that I was in the way). She can't keep a grip on her potato. The worst thing, however, is that her fish doesn't have enough time to cook properly, so when time runs out, it's still almost raw. She doesn't pull a Howie, and decides to go ahead and present it. Sirio and Padma predictably hate it. I'm not even sure they eat it. Saram talks about her cooking issues with the other chefs, and Hung smarmerviews that this challenge is "demoralizing" his competitors, because any chef should be able to make this dish.
Sirio and Padma come back to give the results. Sirio congratulates everyone, saying that this is not an easy dish to prepare. Padma asks for the least successful entry, and Sirio points at Saram with a "you", which was obviously going to happen, and more than fair, although I think a basic tenet of respect is learning someone's name. Now, for Sirio's two favorites. Hung is one of them, although Sirio doesn't know his name, either. The other favorite was Casey, and boy, does Sirio ever know her name. He doesn't want to pick a favorite between the two, but he must, so let's see how he manages. "As a man, I would like to say Casey because she is attractive, but I had to say from the beginning...Hung." Everyone laughs delightedly, as if that wasn't an incredibly insulting thing to say. Ah, so that's why we had that snippet of Casey saying how hard it is to get respect as a female chef. In this case, it's not the biggest deal ever, because this is probably a generational thing. Still, sexism is alive and well, lest anybody forget Ted Allen getting snooty with Saran for having the gall to dislike cooking in a low-cut top. Ass. Hung's happy, and naturally unsurprised at his win. Saram wonders why she got so nervous and flustered in this challenge, because that doesn't usually happen to her.
That evening, we get some of that tiresome reality show bluster. At least it's all in one big, easy-to-ignore chunk. Dale snipes that it's easy to sit at home on the couch and think what they're going through is easy, but that it's not. Oh, I don't doubt that these challenges (not to mention the living conditions) are extremely difficult. But here's the scoop: that's the whole point. It's supposed to be hard, ya dink. That's why they're called "challenges" and not "simples". Luckily, there's a really easy way to avoid the hardship. Don't sign up to be on a reality show. Novel, I know. Hung describes being an immigrant, and that he's doing this show for all of the rest of them. The immigrants of America look at each other, like, "THIS is supposed to be our representative? No thanks." The chefs head to bed.
Commercials. If there's one thing women like to do in their bridal dresses, it's take a long stroll on the beach.
The next day, the chefs walk into the French Culinary Institute, where Padma reminds them that this is the last challenge between them and the finale. No pressure! Elimination Challenge. Padma talks about the roster of impressive talent that runs the institute, the members of which have devised today's challenge. The chefs will be working with specific ingredients. Dale happily assumes that it'll be fancy items like foie gras and truffles. Not so. Padma whips a plate cover off to reveal: a chicken, an onion, and a potato. Hung is smug some more, and the word "classic" is said for about the hundredth time this episode. We decide that from this point on, every time someone says "classic", we have to take a drink. Padma tells them to make a "sublime" meal based on these ingredients. Hung's prize for winning the Quickfire is an extra half hour to cook. Not bad. He's also going to serve first, although I'm not sure if that's expected to be part of his prize or not.
A squirrel eats a nut. The chefs walk down the street to an outdoor market. They have $200 and an hour to shop. Brian talks about making shepherd's pie, and is thrilled to find some pheasant meat. Shepherd's pie is great, but I don't know that it would impress a panel of judges versed in French cuisine. That's more of a having-two-friends-over-for-dinner meal. Saram talks about her career goals. If she wins Top Chef, she's going to go to Jamaica and use the money to put into a farm, so that she can open a cheese dairy. Well, it's nice to hear something besides "I'm going to open a restaurant in New York/Las Vegas." Dale and Casey shop together, and Dale interviews about how close they've gotten over the course of the competition. He said the same thing about Saran right before she got eliminated, so shut up, Dale! Casey interviews that she'd like to do a coq au vin as a nod to her grandmother, who used to make it, and who inspired Casey to go into cooking. Everyone finishes up.
Back at the FCI, Hung begins on his extra half hour of cooking time. He shows off for his competitors. Brian admits in interview that Hung has amazing technical skills, but this challenge is more about flavor, which is not his strong suit. Hung says he's going to use "classic French techniques". Drink! He's going to make sous-vide chicken breast, a crisp chicken skin, pommes dauphin, and a salad. He describes the sous-vide method, and says that all chefs should know about it if they've been classically trained. Drink! The extra half hour runs out, and now everyone's got two hours to prep their food. Chaos ensues. Casey admits that she's not classically trained (drink!), but that there's a lot more to being a chef than learning those techniques. She lives and breathes the culinary world, so she thinks she's got a good handle on things. Saram says that when it comes to creating dishes, she tries to "think outside the box". Tally mark! Haven't had one of those in a while. She adds that she tries to do things that are classic, but then give them an added twist. Drink!
Brain tries to use a mixer that refuses to cooperate. Hung says that Brian's meal looks very "homestyle cooking". Brian says that he has a "bright light extreme heavy peasant expensive gourmet meal". Oh, one of those. He's making a peasant's pie (Did I just see the title department use an apostrophe correctly? It's not just the wine?) with chicken, pheasant sausage, potato, and a ramp puree. He combines the potato and ramps, forming a violently green goo. Saram's going a Jamaican route by marinating her chicken in goat yogurt and mustard. She's also making a potato/couscous risotto and a confit of onions. Dale has decided to wow the judges by making a duet, which is a time-honored strategy on this show. He'll be using the same sauce two different ways, in order to show how versatile he can be.
All this time, I'd been aware that I've been enjoying this episode more than the ones in the past few weeks, but couldn't put my finger on why. The reason becomes quite clear, as Ptom makes his first appearance of the episode more than halfway in. Ah, that explains it. Man, did I ever not miss him. Come on, Top Chef! You had the good sense to dump KatieBot! Go the extra mile, and get a head judge with a modicum of respectability. He Ptimewastes his way through the kitchen. It's as pointless as ever, except Casey manages to slip in the word "classic" again. Drink! The only thing of note Ptom says is that coq au vin is usually made with an older rooster, but if Casey can pull it off with a chicken, great. A line of distinguished diners marches in to hilariously imposing music. They're chefs, not Imperial officers. Ptom introduces the diners, who are the deans and masters who run the FCI. Let's get acquainted! Dorothy Hamilton is wearing a pin on her lapel that suggests (despite some contrary evidence) that she's taken the potion. Andre Soltner will represent the deans later at Judges' Table. Alain Sailhac...is there, too. Nils Noren is the only guest diner under fifty. Jacques Torres is the dean of pastry chefs, and has teeth to match. Casare Casella is the dean of Italian studies. They look tough to impress. The chefs are fairly petrified.
Commercials. Oh, I love Tina Fey. Not enough to sign up for a credit card, but still.
When we return, Hung recaps the challenge. The judges and diners toast each other with glasses of wine. As time winds down, Hung asks Casey if she can help him plate. She's not morally opposed to it or anything, but she doesn't have time to abandon her own food, which Hung seems to understand. Time runs out. Hung brings his food out to the dining room, assisted by some random guy. He presents his sous-vide chicken, which has a thin piece of crisp chicken skin on top that looks so good, I'm about ready to put my hand through the television screen to get at it. He's also made the pommes dauphin and a fairly generic salad. The diners dig in. I've already forgotten which diners match up with which names, so I'll just say that Hung's chicken gets excellent reviews. One of the deans didn't enjoy the pommes dauphin, saying they should have been lighter. Dorothy enjoyed everything. Hung spies on them from the kitchen, and feels very confident about this challenge. I know, big surprise. At least he has some reason to be this time around.
Hung helps Saram plate. She interviews that she's not classically trained in French cuisine (drink!), so cooking for this panel is nerve-wracking. Her food is taken out, and she presents her Jamaican fricassee chicken with the potato and couscous risotto and the confit of onions. There is something resting on the top of each of her dishes that is sort of like a piece of waffle cone. I don't know what it really is, but it looks neat. One of the diners says that confits should be very like marmalade, implying that Saram's is not. The dean from Sweden decrees that Saram's dish wasn't Jamaican enough, using the fact that he's been to Jamaica several times as a credential. Oh, I guess that trumps Saram LIVING there. Sorry, no. I don't care how many times someone visits a place; they can't tell a native how things are done there. Gail is finally back (yay!), and isn't thrilled to find that her chicken is very undercooked. She flips a piece over, and it is, indeed, very pink. Dorothy says that Saram had a very ambitious concept, but the execution shows that she needs a couple more years of experience.
Dale plates. He interviews that his dish is very risky, and that while he usually has no problem sacrificing presentation over flavor, he's going to try and go the extra mile on this one. He takes his food out, and presents his duet. One is chicken confit on top of a truffle/onion/potato puree, and the other is supposed to be the same thing, but with the rosemary sauce instead of the truffle. Unfortunately for Dale, he has forgotten the rosemary sauce, so the second half of the dish is just chicken on top of onion and potato. Naturally, the diners have serious issues with that, and one of them finds the chicken cold, which LabRat was somehow able to predict would happen. I have no idea how he did that. Dale frets anxiously when he realizes his mistake. Brian plates up. He interviews that he's gotten into trouble in past challenges for overcomplicating dishes, so he's trying to keep this one relatively simple. But, Brian... That would require that the judges actually have a list of criteria, and don't just pull arbitrary things out of their asses week after week. "You tried to do too many things!" "You didn't do enough!" "You didn't take enough responsibility on your team!" "You taking responsibility means everything is your fault!" "You weren't creative enough!" "You shouldn't have tried to do something outside of your comfort zone!" No wonder the chefs have no idea what to do.
Brian's food is very, very green. Dale calls it a "big, green turd". Brian takes it out, and presents his peasant's pie. Ptom wants to know what's making it so green, and Brian explains that it is the ramps in the puree. I was all set for the diners to rip his food to shreds, but am pleasantly surprised when everyone seems to really enjoy it. They say it's rich, flavorful, smoky, and the first dish to have the correct seasonings and be at the proper temperature. One minor issue is that they can't really taste the chicken. I guess the pheasant sausage is masking it. Casey plates up. She's nervous, and really wants to make it to the finale. Someone drops a bowl, which luckily doesn't seem to have any food in it. She presents her coq au vin, which is a lightly braised chicken thigh (prepared in some red wine and cipollini), and is served with whipped potatoes, sauteed ramps, and some asparagus. Dorothy enjoys the presentation, and calls it "scrumptious". Another diner says it's flavorful without being pretentious. Yet another likes the potatoes.
Ptom jumps in to say that she should have called it a "braised chicken", and not a "coq au vin", because she did it in two hours and used chicken instead of rooster. Um, does anybody else remember "If Casey can pull off coq au vin with a chicken, great"? You know, about five minutes ago? Isn't that what she just did? God, Ptom sucks. The diners discuss the overall meal. Just as in the Quickfire, they seem to agree that Hung's was the most refined, but that if they were to judge on pure flavor, Casey's would triumph. Just as in the Quickfire, Dale and Saram were the least favorites. And just as in the Quickfire, Brian was solid, but unremarkable. Back in the kitchen, the chefs grab a much-needed glass of wine.
Casey interviews that her biggest competition in this challenge is Hung, but that she may have an edge, because this is the second or third time Hung has used the sous-vide method. Really? I don't remember the others. Eh, three times isn't that big a deal anyway. Get back to me when he uses a foam in everything. Dale doesn't regret trying to do something special, but realizes that the judges may take issue with his meal. Yup. Chefs have been axed before the finale for much smaller mistakes. Padma enters the kitchen, and this is the first time the audience can truly appreciate the coochtastic dress she's wearing. She'd better not bend down to pick up a nickel, or she's risking pregnancy. She dismisses the chefs until Judges' Table.
Commercials. Get a car that performs at "Autobahn" speeds, even though you'll be spending 75% of your driving time trapped on a crowded highway at rush hour.
Judges' Table. I see they're still working the bright orange lighting. I'm not a fan. Dale is complaining to the other chefs that no dish he's ever cooked has ever been great the first time he's made it. Again, perfectly reasonable in real life; not necessarily applicable on a reality show. You'd think Dale would have this down by now. Out at panel, Ptom is saying everyone did a fairly good job, considering. Gail says that some of the dishes showed a "depth of technique". Hung's skills are clearly excellent, though the guest judge (Andre) still takes issue with the potatoes. Dale tried too hard, and didn't provide a good contrast between the two components of his duet. Saram's dish was pretty, but her chicken was raw, which is inexcusable. Brian's dish had strong, bold flavors. Padma thinks the pheasant upstaged the chicken. Casey's tasted good, required a lot of skill to make, and was presented wonderfully. Andre says that he wouldn't have chosen to call the dish a coq au vin, but that it came out very well.
Odd Asian music. Gong. All five chefs come out to face the panel. Padma calls this the most important decision they've had to make. Ptom asks Hung why his dish should win. Hung responds that his dish was simple, yet flavorful, and that his techniques were elegant and on-point. Andre gives lavish praise to the chicken, but says that he was surprised by the technique for the pommes dauphin. Hung cannot stop his eyebrow from arching at that. He quickly tries to cover with an "I don't quite understand" furrowed brow. Hung says that perhaps his potatoes weren't fluffy enough because he had to plate them early, and that he had to plate them by himself. Oh, no no no no no no. Hung, you've had me in your corner through all this "Hung's a poor excuse for a chef because he didn't pitch in with my food or reveal his cooking techniques to me" blather, but that cuts two ways. These are your competitors. Not your sous chefs, and not your friends. If you're going to make a big honking deal out of being so independent, then you get to plate by your damn self. Accept it.
Casey is asked why she called her dish a coq au vin. Casey explains that her French grandmother didn't really have the option of wandering out to grab an old rooster, so her version of a coq au vin used chicken. That sounds reasonable to me. Americans put new twists on old foods without changing the name all the time. Think the General Tso chicken at the buffet down the street is prepared the same way in Beijing? Andre liked the dish, overall, and says that it was very classic. Drink! He adds that two hours is not much time to do a coq au vin. Oh, for fuck's sake. Give it a rest. Casey says she was trying to do something bold by making something so traditional.
Tiffany: "Does 'traditional' count as a 'classic'?"
Limecrete: "Sure. Drink!"
The judges move on to Saram. She says she wanted to make something she likes to eat, and mentions the Jamaican style. Ptom asks her if she thinks she used enough of the Jamaican spices, and Saram admits that she didn't want them to be "overpowering". Padma says that one of the diners found the chicken rubbery, but the real problem was that Gail's portion was almost raw. Saram gets a "what the fuck you talkin' about, bitch?" look on her face. She says she sliced the chicken herself, and checked every piece. Presumably, she didn't see any problems with it. When the judges emphasize that it really was undercooked, and this isn't some colossal joke they're trying to pull, Saram heartily apologizes. Padma asks Brian about his sausage masking the chicken, and he says he did worry a bit about that. Ptom says that the dish was good, but wonders if Brian found it refined enough for this challenge. See? "Brian, your food is too complicated!" "Brian, your food isn't refined enough!" There's no reliability in the judging. If they want to get you, they'll get you. I think that poor Brian has been on the business end of most of the Catch-22s this season, although Dale has gotten his share, too. Brian words his answer well, saying that the challenge was to make fabulous food, which is about flavor, not about "putting dots on a dish", and he achieved that. Well said.
Dale explains how his duet was supposed to go, and what went wrong. Ptom says that neglecting to put the sauce on the dish was an issue on "many different levels". He adds that when doing a duet, the two components have to relate to each other, or else they're competing with each other. Dale bluntly says "the duet was a stupid idea". I don't know. I wonder how it would have turned out if he'd remembered the sauce. Ptom reiterates that the judges have got a tough choice to make. Padma dismisses the chefs. Once they're in the back room, Saram grouses and curses that her chicken was not raw. I've got to say, based on the shot they showed us earlier... Yeah, it was. Dale and Hung agree that the judges can nitpick any dish they feel like tearing into. Hey, can they hear me? Hi, guys!
Deliberations. Gail's favorite was Casey's. It tasted good, and was focused and complete. Andre chooses Hung's as the best. Ptom agrees that there's a strong case for Hung to win the challenge. Padma says that Brian's was her favorite, and while Gail agrees that it was "bold, flavorful, and fun", it wasn't her top choice. Saram's food suffered from a lack of execution. Her concept was good, but she couldn't follow through on it. Dale's problem was more one of concept, and he probably should have focused on making one good thing instead of showboating. That's not what they say, but I think that's the gist. Dale is still whining that given some time, the dish he made will be a winner. REALITY SHOW. I'm sure that once he gives it some fine-tuning, it'll be great. But this show isn't about nurturing people through correcting their conceptual mistakes. Ask Sandee. Ptom asks Andre which is worse: conceptualizing a poor dish or executing a poor dish. I'd choose execution. Concepts can always be tweaked. Poor execution shows a lack of skill. The judges reach a decision.
The chefs wish each other luck, then re-emerge. More odd Asian music. Another gong. Ptom tells them that it must have been a lot of pressure to cook for a panel who have more than 200 years of collective culinary experience. Geez, no kidding. Casey, Brian, and Hung were the favorites, and Andre gets to announce who the winner is. He chooses Hung, and I find I'm much more accepting of that choice now than I was on first viewing. I think it's bullshit that Casey got hosed for what was essentially a split semantic hair, but Hung's certainly seemed to showcase some good techniques. Hung is quite happy, even though he doesn't seem to win anything besides a spot in the finale. Casey and Brian are naturally advancing as well, and are dismissed. Casey looks peeved that she didn't win, but thanks the judges. The top three hug the bottom two before leaving. Brian's ready to cook up a storm in the finale. Casey can't believe she "made it through all the bullshit." Hah! Awesome. The top three congratulate each other more animatedly once they're in the back. The judges prepare to chop the next losing chef.
Commercials. The AARP begs for bi-partisan cooperation on healthcare. Like rich, old people aren't half the reason we're slogging through eight years of hell right now.
Elimination. Padma tells Dale and Saram that "one of you are going to the finale [sic], and one of you are going home [sic]." Could one of you attend English class? Ptom once again says that this is a tough decision, although as in episodes past, I think they've long since made up their minds. Ptom asks them what drives them as chefs. Dale says that cooking is love, and that you can tell when a chef has had his/her heart broken or who got laid last night. I shudder to think what ingredients would go into that dish. He finishes up by saying he's always the first one to notice his own faults, and he doesn't want to pass those faults along to the judges. Saram says that everything about food drives her (the beauty, the flavors, the textures), and that food encompasses her whole life. Dale nods with understanding. Ptom says this is the first he's heard of this. "I'm reserved," Saram says simply. "I get the job done, and I try to do it as best as I can." I'll say. Ptom tells Dale that he failed conceptually, but was technically proficient. Saram was the exact opposite. The judges liked her concept, but she failed in execution. He gives it over to Padma for the bad news. "Dale. You are going on to the finale. Saram. Please pack your knives and go." Yeah, I figured.
Saram thanks the judges and gives Dale a hug. In her final interview, she's very practical about the whole thing, saying that they had to eliminate somebody, and that she didn't "cross [her] T's and dot [her] I's". The chefs back in the other room give her good-bye hugs. Saram cries a bit as she interviews that making it to the top five was awesome, and that she's had a good ride, but she'll miss the friends she's made. Brian offers her a plastic glass of champagne. Aw. Saram wraps up by saying that the competition doesn't define her as a chef, so she'll just take the friendships and the experience and go make cheese somewhere in the world. Rock on, Dairy Queen.
The final four have their traditional "bring it on" interviews. Strangely, nobody's whining about how someone else is a jerk. Nobody's forming little cabals to try and backstab a competitor in front of the judges. Nobody's threatening violence. It's almost as if this is a show in which people compete, and not an exercise in who can be the biggest douchebag. Weird! Casey points out that all four of them have placed in both the top and bottom of challenges. Despite the Nice Guys/Girls Finish Fourth rule, I've got to say: I'm rooting for her. Get it, girl!
Overall Grade: B
Previously on Top Chef: The chefs were ecstatic to head for New York, but were stopped in their tracks by Newark and a tough airline challenge. Once Anthony Bourdain and Ptom discovered their mutual disdain for CJ's side dish, they fed off of each other, snowballing a bowl of broccolini into the worst dish ever served. Their disgust was insurmountable, leading to CJ's elimination. Five chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening menu. Wine. Lots of it.
Weird, performance-arty music welcomes us to New York City. The chefs are excited to have made it this far. Dale says that he's a big, gay chef that's going to outcook your ass. Sounds like the premise for a wacko Christian horror film. The chefs stop by a vendor cart to pick up some street grub, and though I was convinced that this would have some implications in the upcoming challenges, it doesn't. Casey is bemused, but pleased that she's been doing so well in the past couple of rounds. Brian describes walking around the city, but all I can focus on is the hat that's about to swallow his head.
Quickfire Challenge. The chefs have now changed into their work outfits, and carry their knife cases into Le Cirque. This is the restaurant's third location, which Dale says is unheard of. Really? That seems odd to me, but I live in one of those sprawling cities where everything is really spread out. I'll have to ask one of my New York friends about that. The restaurant is really pretty, and the chefs meander into the dining room, where they are met by Padma and a dapper old fellow named Sirio Maccioni, who owns the restaurant. He's described as a legend, and while I don't know anything about that, he certainly does seem to be one of the "old guard", when owning and operating a restaurant was about more than trying to secure a show on Food Network or having a line of spices sold in every neighborhood supermarket. The chefs are invited to sit, and are presented with a dish to eat. It's a piece of white sea-bass wrapped in a thin layer of potato, and served on a bed of leeks and mushrooms. Casey interviews that Sirio told them the history of this particular dish, and how it's not even on the menu; it's only presented to special guests. Everyone savors it, which is a good thing, because their Quickfire Challenge is to recreate it. They'll work one at a time in Le Cirque's kitchen, and they'll only have twenty-five minutes to get everything ready.
The chefs head back, where as Brian puts it, the restaurant's chefs look at them like "Who the fuck are you?" I have to agree. They don't look happy. One of them points out where the contestants will be working, and asks if they have any questions. Hung asks what number they use on their slicers, and the Le Cirque chef cocks an eyebrow and says that they hand slice the potatoes. Burn! Dale asks about blanching the leeks, and Saram ascertains that the potatoes are not steamed before peeling. That out of the way, all the chefs save Hung are dismissed. He gets started, saying that he's not intimidated by the challenge at all, because one of the easiest things to do is duplicate something that's already been presented to you. Once he's done patting himself on the back, he does give us some helpful information, in that one of the toughest things to do is make sure the potato is sliced perfectly. If it's too thick, it won't brown. If it's too thin, it'll burn. He easily finishes on time, and presents his dish to Sirio and Padma. Sirio approves, calling it "close to the original". "BRAAAK! Very close to the original!" Padma parrots.
Hung goes back to where the other chefs await and congratulates himself on a job well done. He must be a blast at dinner parties. Dale asks him about some of his preparation methods, and Hung mildly responds that he can't tell him about any of that. Saram gives him a dirty look. Oh, please. Dale interviews that they're all after the prize but that "there's a difference", and that Hung is a "different type of chef". The reason that that sentence doesn't seem to make any sense is because it doesn't. Hung can be a total ass, but again, he's not obligated to do your work for you. We see Dale, Brian, and Casey cooking in rapid succession. Casey mentions something about how there are very few female chefs in the industry, so she has to work extra hard for the respect she feels she's entitled to as an executive chef. Dale's nervous, and can't figure out how to use the potato slicer. Maybe he should ask Hung for help, then get all mad when Hung assumes that Dale should be competent enough to work it out on his own.
Dale presents his food, and Silvio says that there are no seasonings on it. "BRAAAK! No seasonings!" says Padma. Somebody give her a cracker. Surely it can't be a coincidence that this was aired on International Talk Like a Pirate Day. Brian's tastes good, but the presentation is off. His potato looks burnt, and doesn't wrap all the way around the fish, as it should. Casey gets high marks. Sirio calls it "better than any". Casey quietly plays off her success in front of the other chefs, but Dale is quick to point out that Casey's recent triumphs are killing Hung. He says that Hung is the better chef technically, but Casey's the one to beat, because she has "heart", so her food tastes better than the heartless Hung's. Ouch!
Saram, like Hung, gets a cooking segment all to herself. Unfortunately, it's not because she's doing well. She has problems from the get-go. She can't find things in the strange kitchen. She feels like she's inconveniencing the restaurant chefs, who are trying to get work done all around her (I feel her on that one; I'd be so worried that I was in the way). She can't keep a grip on her potato. The worst thing, however, is that her fish doesn't have enough time to cook properly, so when time runs out, it's still almost raw. She doesn't pull a Howie, and decides to go ahead and present it. Sirio and Padma predictably hate it. I'm not even sure they eat it. Saram talks about her cooking issues with the other chefs, and Hung smarmerviews that this challenge is "demoralizing" his competitors, because any chef should be able to make this dish.
Sirio and Padma come back to give the results. Sirio congratulates everyone, saying that this is not an easy dish to prepare. Padma asks for the least successful entry, and Sirio points at Saram with a "you", which was obviously going to happen, and more than fair, although I think a basic tenet of respect is learning someone's name. Now, for Sirio's two favorites. Hung is one of them, although Sirio doesn't know his name, either. The other favorite was Casey, and boy, does Sirio ever know her name. He doesn't want to pick a favorite between the two, but he must, so let's see how he manages. "As a man, I would like to say Casey because she is attractive, but I had to say from the beginning...Hung." Everyone laughs delightedly, as if that wasn't an incredibly insulting thing to say. Ah, so that's why we had that snippet of Casey saying how hard it is to get respect as a female chef. In this case, it's not the biggest deal ever, because this is probably a generational thing. Still, sexism is alive and well, lest anybody forget Ted Allen getting snooty with Saran for having the gall to dislike cooking in a low-cut top. Ass. Hung's happy, and naturally unsurprised at his win. Saram wonders why she got so nervous and flustered in this challenge, because that doesn't usually happen to her.
That evening, we get some of that tiresome reality show bluster. At least it's all in one big, easy-to-ignore chunk. Dale snipes that it's easy to sit at home on the couch and think what they're going through is easy, but that it's not. Oh, I don't doubt that these challenges (not to mention the living conditions) are extremely difficult. But here's the scoop: that's the whole point. It's supposed to be hard, ya dink. That's why they're called "challenges" and not "simples". Luckily, there's a really easy way to avoid the hardship. Don't sign up to be on a reality show. Novel, I know. Hung describes being an immigrant, and that he's doing this show for all of the rest of them. The immigrants of America look at each other, like, "THIS is supposed to be our representative? No thanks." The chefs head to bed.
Commercials. If there's one thing women like to do in their bridal dresses, it's take a long stroll on the beach.
The next day, the chefs walk into the French Culinary Institute, where Padma reminds them that this is the last challenge between them and the finale. No pressure! Elimination Challenge. Padma talks about the roster of impressive talent that runs the institute, the members of which have devised today's challenge. The chefs will be working with specific ingredients. Dale happily assumes that it'll be fancy items like foie gras and truffles. Not so. Padma whips a plate cover off to reveal: a chicken, an onion, and a potato. Hung is smug some more, and the word "classic" is said for about the hundredth time this episode. We decide that from this point on, every time someone says "classic", we have to take a drink. Padma tells them to make a "sublime" meal based on these ingredients. Hung's prize for winning the Quickfire is an extra half hour to cook. Not bad. He's also going to serve first, although I'm not sure if that's expected to be part of his prize or not.
A squirrel eats a nut. The chefs walk down the street to an outdoor market. They have $200 and an hour to shop. Brian talks about making shepherd's pie, and is thrilled to find some pheasant meat. Shepherd's pie is great, but I don't know that it would impress a panel of judges versed in French cuisine. That's more of a having-two-friends-over-for-dinner meal. Saram talks about her career goals. If she wins Top Chef, she's going to go to Jamaica and use the money to put into a farm, so that she can open a cheese dairy. Well, it's nice to hear something besides "I'm going to open a restaurant in New York/Las Vegas." Dale and Casey shop together, and Dale interviews about how close they've gotten over the course of the competition. He said the same thing about Saran right before she got eliminated, so shut up, Dale! Casey interviews that she'd like to do a coq au vin as a nod to her grandmother, who used to make it, and who inspired Casey to go into cooking. Everyone finishes up.
Back at the FCI, Hung begins on his extra half hour of cooking time. He shows off for his competitors. Brian admits in interview that Hung has amazing technical skills, but this challenge is more about flavor, which is not his strong suit. Hung says he's going to use "classic French techniques". Drink! He's going to make sous-vide chicken breast, a crisp chicken skin, pommes dauphin, and a salad. He describes the sous-vide method, and says that all chefs should know about it if they've been classically trained. Drink! The extra half hour runs out, and now everyone's got two hours to prep their food. Chaos ensues. Casey admits that she's not classically trained (drink!), but that there's a lot more to being a chef than learning those techniques. She lives and breathes the culinary world, so she thinks she's got a good handle on things. Saram says that when it comes to creating dishes, she tries to "think outside the box". Tally mark! Haven't had one of those in a while. She adds that she tries to do things that are classic, but then give them an added twist. Drink!
Brain tries to use a mixer that refuses to cooperate. Hung says that Brian's meal looks very "homestyle cooking". Brian says that he has a "bright light extreme heavy peasant expensive gourmet meal". Oh, one of those. He's making a peasant's pie (Did I just see the title department use an apostrophe correctly? It's not just the wine?) with chicken, pheasant sausage, potato, and a ramp puree. He combines the potato and ramps, forming a violently green goo. Saram's going a Jamaican route by marinating her chicken in goat yogurt and mustard. She's also making a potato/couscous risotto and a confit of onions. Dale has decided to wow the judges by making a duet, which is a time-honored strategy on this show. He'll be using the same sauce two different ways, in order to show how versatile he can be.
All this time, I'd been aware that I've been enjoying this episode more than the ones in the past few weeks, but couldn't put my finger on why. The reason becomes quite clear, as Ptom makes his first appearance of the episode more than halfway in. Ah, that explains it. Man, did I ever not miss him. Come on, Top Chef! You had the good sense to dump KatieBot! Go the extra mile, and get a head judge with a modicum of respectability. He Ptimewastes his way through the kitchen. It's as pointless as ever, except Casey manages to slip in the word "classic" again. Drink! The only thing of note Ptom says is that coq au vin is usually made with an older rooster, but if Casey can pull it off with a chicken, great. A line of distinguished diners marches in to hilariously imposing music. They're chefs, not Imperial officers. Ptom introduces the diners, who are the deans and masters who run the FCI. Let's get acquainted! Dorothy Hamilton is wearing a pin on her lapel that suggests (despite some contrary evidence) that she's taken the potion. Andre Soltner will represent the deans later at Judges' Table. Alain Sailhac...is there, too. Nils Noren is the only guest diner under fifty. Jacques Torres is the dean of pastry chefs, and has teeth to match. Casare Casella is the dean of Italian studies. They look tough to impress. The chefs are fairly petrified.
Commercials. Oh, I love Tina Fey. Not enough to sign up for a credit card, but still.
When we return, Hung recaps the challenge. The judges and diners toast each other with glasses of wine. As time winds down, Hung asks Casey if she can help him plate. She's not morally opposed to it or anything, but she doesn't have time to abandon her own food, which Hung seems to understand. Time runs out. Hung brings his food out to the dining room, assisted by some random guy. He presents his sous-vide chicken, which has a thin piece of crisp chicken skin on top that looks so good, I'm about ready to put my hand through the television screen to get at it. He's also made the pommes dauphin and a fairly generic salad. The diners dig in. I've already forgotten which diners match up with which names, so I'll just say that Hung's chicken gets excellent reviews. One of the deans didn't enjoy the pommes dauphin, saying they should have been lighter. Dorothy enjoyed everything. Hung spies on them from the kitchen, and feels very confident about this challenge. I know, big surprise. At least he has some reason to be this time around.
Hung helps Saram plate. She interviews that she's not classically trained in French cuisine (drink!), so cooking for this panel is nerve-wracking. Her food is taken out, and she presents her Jamaican fricassee chicken with the potato and couscous risotto and the confit of onions. There is something resting on the top of each of her dishes that is sort of like a piece of waffle cone. I don't know what it really is, but it looks neat. One of the diners says that confits should be very like marmalade, implying that Saram's is not. The dean from Sweden decrees that Saram's dish wasn't Jamaican enough, using the fact that he's been to Jamaica several times as a credential. Oh, I guess that trumps Saram LIVING there. Sorry, no. I don't care how many times someone visits a place; they can't tell a native how things are done there. Gail is finally back (yay!), and isn't thrilled to find that her chicken is very undercooked. She flips a piece over, and it is, indeed, very pink. Dorothy says that Saram had a very ambitious concept, but the execution shows that she needs a couple more years of experience.
Dale plates. He interviews that his dish is very risky, and that while he usually has no problem sacrificing presentation over flavor, he's going to try and go the extra mile on this one. He takes his food out, and presents his duet. One is chicken confit on top of a truffle/onion/potato puree, and the other is supposed to be the same thing, but with the rosemary sauce instead of the truffle. Unfortunately for Dale, he has forgotten the rosemary sauce, so the second half of the dish is just chicken on top of onion and potato. Naturally, the diners have serious issues with that, and one of them finds the chicken cold, which LabRat was somehow able to predict would happen. I have no idea how he did that. Dale frets anxiously when he realizes his mistake. Brian plates up. He interviews that he's gotten into trouble in past challenges for overcomplicating dishes, so he's trying to keep this one relatively simple. But, Brian... That would require that the judges actually have a list of criteria, and don't just pull arbitrary things out of their asses week after week. "You tried to do too many things!" "You didn't do enough!" "You didn't take enough responsibility on your team!" "You taking responsibility means everything is your fault!" "You weren't creative enough!" "You shouldn't have tried to do something outside of your comfort zone!" No wonder the chefs have no idea what to do.
Brian's food is very, very green. Dale calls it a "big, green turd". Brian takes it out, and presents his peasant's pie. Ptom wants to know what's making it so green, and Brian explains that it is the ramps in the puree. I was all set for the diners to rip his food to shreds, but am pleasantly surprised when everyone seems to really enjoy it. They say it's rich, flavorful, smoky, and the first dish to have the correct seasonings and be at the proper temperature. One minor issue is that they can't really taste the chicken. I guess the pheasant sausage is masking it. Casey plates up. She's nervous, and really wants to make it to the finale. Someone drops a bowl, which luckily doesn't seem to have any food in it. She presents her coq au vin, which is a lightly braised chicken thigh (prepared in some red wine and cipollini), and is served with whipped potatoes, sauteed ramps, and some asparagus. Dorothy enjoys the presentation, and calls it "scrumptious". Another diner says it's flavorful without being pretentious. Yet another likes the potatoes.
Ptom jumps in to say that she should have called it a "braised chicken", and not a "coq au vin", because she did it in two hours and used chicken instead of rooster. Um, does anybody else remember "If Casey can pull off coq au vin with a chicken, great"? You know, about five minutes ago? Isn't that what she just did? God, Ptom sucks. The diners discuss the overall meal. Just as in the Quickfire, they seem to agree that Hung's was the most refined, but that if they were to judge on pure flavor, Casey's would triumph. Just as in the Quickfire, Dale and Saram were the least favorites. And just as in the Quickfire, Brian was solid, but unremarkable. Back in the kitchen, the chefs grab a much-needed glass of wine.
Casey interviews that her biggest competition in this challenge is Hung, but that she may have an edge, because this is the second or third time Hung has used the sous-vide method. Really? I don't remember the others. Eh, three times isn't that big a deal anyway. Get back to me when he uses a foam in everything. Dale doesn't regret trying to do something special, but realizes that the judges may take issue with his meal. Yup. Chefs have been axed before the finale for much smaller mistakes. Padma enters the kitchen, and this is the first time the audience can truly appreciate the coochtastic dress she's wearing. She'd better not bend down to pick up a nickel, or she's risking pregnancy. She dismisses the chefs until Judges' Table.
Commercials. Get a car that performs at "Autobahn" speeds, even though you'll be spending 75% of your driving time trapped on a crowded highway at rush hour.
Judges' Table. I see they're still working the bright orange lighting. I'm not a fan. Dale is complaining to the other chefs that no dish he's ever cooked has ever been great the first time he's made it. Again, perfectly reasonable in real life; not necessarily applicable on a reality show. You'd think Dale would have this down by now. Out at panel, Ptom is saying everyone did a fairly good job, considering. Gail says that some of the dishes showed a "depth of technique". Hung's skills are clearly excellent, though the guest judge (Andre) still takes issue with the potatoes. Dale tried too hard, and didn't provide a good contrast between the two components of his duet. Saram's dish was pretty, but her chicken was raw, which is inexcusable. Brian's dish had strong, bold flavors. Padma thinks the pheasant upstaged the chicken. Casey's tasted good, required a lot of skill to make, and was presented wonderfully. Andre says that he wouldn't have chosen to call the dish a coq au vin, but that it came out very well.
Odd Asian music. Gong. All five chefs come out to face the panel. Padma calls this the most important decision they've had to make. Ptom asks Hung why his dish should win. Hung responds that his dish was simple, yet flavorful, and that his techniques were elegant and on-point. Andre gives lavish praise to the chicken, but says that he was surprised by the technique for the pommes dauphin. Hung cannot stop his eyebrow from arching at that. He quickly tries to cover with an "I don't quite understand" furrowed brow. Hung says that perhaps his potatoes weren't fluffy enough because he had to plate them early, and that he had to plate them by himself. Oh, no no no no no no. Hung, you've had me in your corner through all this "Hung's a poor excuse for a chef because he didn't pitch in with my food or reveal his cooking techniques to me" blather, but that cuts two ways. These are your competitors. Not your sous chefs, and not your friends. If you're going to make a big honking deal out of being so independent, then you get to plate by your damn self. Accept it.
Casey is asked why she called her dish a coq au vin. Casey explains that her French grandmother didn't really have the option of wandering out to grab an old rooster, so her version of a coq au vin used chicken. That sounds reasonable to me. Americans put new twists on old foods without changing the name all the time. Think the General Tso chicken at the buffet down the street is prepared the same way in Beijing? Andre liked the dish, overall, and says that it was very classic. Drink! He adds that two hours is not much time to do a coq au vin. Oh, for fuck's sake. Give it a rest. Casey says she was trying to do something bold by making something so traditional.
Tiffany: "Does 'traditional' count as a 'classic'?"
Limecrete: "Sure. Drink!"
The judges move on to Saram. She says she wanted to make something she likes to eat, and mentions the Jamaican style. Ptom asks her if she thinks she used enough of the Jamaican spices, and Saram admits that she didn't want them to be "overpowering". Padma says that one of the diners found the chicken rubbery, but the real problem was that Gail's portion was almost raw. Saram gets a "what the fuck you talkin' about, bitch?" look on her face. She says she sliced the chicken herself, and checked every piece. Presumably, she didn't see any problems with it. When the judges emphasize that it really was undercooked, and this isn't some colossal joke they're trying to pull, Saram heartily apologizes. Padma asks Brian about his sausage masking the chicken, and he says he did worry a bit about that. Ptom says that the dish was good, but wonders if Brian found it refined enough for this challenge. See? "Brian, your food is too complicated!" "Brian, your food isn't refined enough!" There's no reliability in the judging. If they want to get you, they'll get you. I think that poor Brian has been on the business end of most of the Catch-22s this season, although Dale has gotten his share, too. Brian words his answer well, saying that the challenge was to make fabulous food, which is about flavor, not about "putting dots on a dish", and he achieved that. Well said.
Dale explains how his duet was supposed to go, and what went wrong. Ptom says that neglecting to put the sauce on the dish was an issue on "many different levels". He adds that when doing a duet, the two components have to relate to each other, or else they're competing with each other. Dale bluntly says "the duet was a stupid idea". I don't know. I wonder how it would have turned out if he'd remembered the sauce. Ptom reiterates that the judges have got a tough choice to make. Padma dismisses the chefs. Once they're in the back room, Saram grouses and curses that her chicken was not raw. I've got to say, based on the shot they showed us earlier... Yeah, it was. Dale and Hung agree that the judges can nitpick any dish they feel like tearing into. Hey, can they hear me? Hi, guys!
Deliberations. Gail's favorite was Casey's. It tasted good, and was focused and complete. Andre chooses Hung's as the best. Ptom agrees that there's a strong case for Hung to win the challenge. Padma says that Brian's was her favorite, and while Gail agrees that it was "bold, flavorful, and fun", it wasn't her top choice. Saram's food suffered from a lack of execution. Her concept was good, but she couldn't follow through on it. Dale's problem was more one of concept, and he probably should have focused on making one good thing instead of showboating. That's not what they say, but I think that's the gist. Dale is still whining that given some time, the dish he made will be a winner. REALITY SHOW. I'm sure that once he gives it some fine-tuning, it'll be great. But this show isn't about nurturing people through correcting their conceptual mistakes. Ask Sandee. Ptom asks Andre which is worse: conceptualizing a poor dish or executing a poor dish. I'd choose execution. Concepts can always be tweaked. Poor execution shows a lack of skill. The judges reach a decision.
The chefs wish each other luck, then re-emerge. More odd Asian music. Another gong. Ptom tells them that it must have been a lot of pressure to cook for a panel who have more than 200 years of collective culinary experience. Geez, no kidding. Casey, Brian, and Hung were the favorites, and Andre gets to announce who the winner is. He chooses Hung, and I find I'm much more accepting of that choice now than I was on first viewing. I think it's bullshit that Casey got hosed for what was essentially a split semantic hair, but Hung's certainly seemed to showcase some good techniques. Hung is quite happy, even though he doesn't seem to win anything besides a spot in the finale. Casey and Brian are naturally advancing as well, and are dismissed. Casey looks peeved that she didn't win, but thanks the judges. The top three hug the bottom two before leaving. Brian's ready to cook up a storm in the finale. Casey can't believe she "made it through all the bullshit." Hah! Awesome. The top three congratulate each other more animatedly once they're in the back. The judges prepare to chop the next losing chef.
Commercials. The AARP begs for bi-partisan cooperation on healthcare. Like rich, old people aren't half the reason we're slogging through eight years of hell right now.
Elimination. Padma tells Dale and Saram that "one of you are going to the finale [sic], and one of you are going home [sic]." Could one of you attend English class? Ptom once again says that this is a tough decision, although as in episodes past, I think they've long since made up their minds. Ptom asks them what drives them as chefs. Dale says that cooking is love, and that you can tell when a chef has had his/her heart broken or who got laid last night. I shudder to think what ingredients would go into that dish. He finishes up by saying he's always the first one to notice his own faults, and he doesn't want to pass those faults along to the judges. Saram says that everything about food drives her (the beauty, the flavors, the textures), and that food encompasses her whole life. Dale nods with understanding. Ptom says this is the first he's heard of this. "I'm reserved," Saram says simply. "I get the job done, and I try to do it as best as I can." I'll say. Ptom tells Dale that he failed conceptually, but was technically proficient. Saram was the exact opposite. The judges liked her concept, but she failed in execution. He gives it over to Padma for the bad news. "Dale. You are going on to the finale. Saram. Please pack your knives and go." Yeah, I figured.
Saram thanks the judges and gives Dale a hug. In her final interview, she's very practical about the whole thing, saying that they had to eliminate somebody, and that she didn't "cross [her] T's and dot [her] I's". The chefs back in the other room give her good-bye hugs. Saram cries a bit as she interviews that making it to the top five was awesome, and that she's had a good ride, but she'll miss the friends she's made. Brian offers her a plastic glass of champagne. Aw. Saram wraps up by saying that the competition doesn't define her as a chef, so she'll just take the friendships and the experience and go make cheese somewhere in the world. Rock on, Dairy Queen.
The final four have their traditional "bring it on" interviews. Strangely, nobody's whining about how someone else is a jerk. Nobody's forming little cabals to try and backstab a competitor in front of the judges. Nobody's threatening violence. It's almost as if this is a show in which people compete, and not an exercise in who can be the biggest douchebag. Weird! Casey points out that all four of them have placed in both the top and bottom of challenges. Despite the Nice Guys/Girls Finish Fourth rule, I've got to say: I'm rooting for her. Get it, girl!
Overall Grade: B
Thursday, September 20, 2007
The Girls Go Cruisin'
America's Next Top Model - Season 9, Episode 1
The premiere episodes of Top Model have the reputation of being boring and pointless, and man... This one's no exception. There are girls of questionable beauty. There are girls of questionable sanity. There are girls of questionable hygiene. There are bitches. The thirteen finalists are the girls who have been on the show's website for forever. Blah, blah, blah.
Still, it's handy not to have to discuss the actual episode, because this is a convenient place to mention that I'm not sure I'll be able to give the full recap treatment to this season. I'll probably try to catch the reruns, but the first airing is going to be on against another show I plan to watch, so it's likely that What'ere, Jane Eyre will be passing on this season. If not, stay tuned. If so, know that as you're sitting on your couch, passing judgment on stupid, self-entitled bitches with bad weaves, I'm with you in spirit.
The premiere episodes of Top Model have the reputation of being boring and pointless, and man... This one's no exception. There are girls of questionable beauty. There are girls of questionable sanity. There are girls of questionable hygiene. There are bitches. The thirteen finalists are the girls who have been on the show's website for forever. Blah, blah, blah.
Still, it's handy not to have to discuss the actual episode, because this is a convenient place to mention that I'm not sure I'll be able to give the full recap treatment to this season. I'll probably try to catch the reruns, but the first airing is going to be on against another show I plan to watch, so it's likely that What'ere, Jane Eyre will be passing on this season. If not, stay tuned. If so, know that as you're sitting on your couch, passing judgment on stupid, self-entitled bitches with bad weaves, I'm with you in spirit.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Snacks on a Plane
Top Chef - Season 3, Episode 12
Previously on Top Chef: Howie tried to prove he's not a completely irredeemable dickhead by sacrificing himself to the bullshit challenge and its attendant appalling judging panel. It worked. Six chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening menu. I wanted to tackle those Cheddar/chive biscuits that entire restaurants are built around. I should have probably taken a closer look at the recipe and halved it before I started, because soon my kitchen was overrun with them, like Tribbles. They weren't bad, though.
Morning at Chef's Manor. 6AM, to be precise. Peaceful "happy animals in the forest" music plays as we get shots of all the chefs sleeping. Into this blissful quiet comes a grinning Padma, who happily screams "Good moooooorning! Rise and shine!" as she rips the covers off of Casey. Yeah, it's going to take a while before I buy any of the judges as likable again. CJ sarcastically interviews about how nice and gentle Padma was. She doesn't rip the covers off of any of the guys, which was probably wise. We can have some surprises under those blankets. She tells them there's a surprise in the other room, and skips out. Dale knows to expect some horrible breakfast challenge. Aw, our chefs have finally learned to be appropriately suspicious. By the way, I completely covet Dale's shirt, which simply reads "SLEAZY". Awesome.
Quickfire Challenge. The chefs come into the main room, still in their jammies. A complete challenge has been set up, and I have to wonder how they got that accomplished without waking anybody. Rows of spices, baking staples, and other ingredients line the counter. Padma tells them that their challenge is to make her breakfast in twenty minutes, using a product-placed blender. Saram points out that everyone has to cook in their sleeping clothes, and laughs over how ripped up CJ's are and how Casey's still in her robe. At least they let everyone put a shirt on. Nobody needs a hot oil spatter on their nips. Unless they're into that. Padma gives the word, and everyone scrambles for the food. Naturally, Hung goes into his usual spaz attack the minute the time starts, and as always, I'm torn between annoyance and a sort of admiration for how wholeheartedly he throws himself into these challenges.
Of course, speed without thought has consequences, and this time, it's a bottle of oil that Hung knocks onto the ground, where it shatters. Casey points out that running in a kitchen is not highly recommended, and that now there's oil and glass all over the floor in a room full of chefs in their socks (or in some cases bare feet). Hung interviews that he didn't think he was the one to knock the oil over (a sort of statement you should never make when you know your every move is being videotaped). He offers an insincere apology if he was, in fact, the culprit. Then there's a patched-in quote of him saying he doesn't much care about anyone else, he's just there to cook for himself. I highly doubt this is when he said that; they're just trying to make him sound more hateful. He really doesn't need the help. He raids the fridge, knocking out even more food, then abandoning it on the ground.
Dale tells us he ran a brunch place for a year in Chicago that won an award, but in that case, he had four hours to prep food and a nice, full kitchen. This is twenty minutes, a tiny cutting board, a blender, and a butane burner. Hung interviews that he's always in a hurry (shocker!), so he doesn't eat breakfast often. He sets to work on a steak and egg plate, which is very "traditional". I don't think many people eat steak and eggs for breakfast anymore. They eat it as late night food when they're drunk. Which actually means it's perfect for this challenge, as we all agree that Padma looks hungover as hell. Hung also works on a smoothie with several ingredients, including Grand Marnier. Yep, he knows how to work Padma this morning. Saram also knows her way around Padma's love of booze, directly following that statement up with one about how Padma's into healthy food. Heh. She's making French toast with whole-grain bread. Casey is also making French toast and eggs, and whipping together a salsa as well. She rushes to get something from the counter and almost wipes out on the oil Hung spilled. CJ is working on crepes, which "women love". Um... OK, then. I never really knew crepes were a gender issue, but whatever. Time runs out.
Padma starts off with CJ, who has make a shake out of blueberries, dates, and mascarpone. Quick side note. They've never really defined what criteria a Top Chef possesses, but I'd like to request one. A top chef pronounces the word "mascarpone" correctly. I don't know why supposed professionals insist on giving the r an all-expenses-paid trip to the first syllable, but they need to stop. CJ has also made a berries and cream crepe, with almond flavoring in the whipped cream on top. Padma likes it, which CJ attributes to the awesome power crepes have over women's ovaries or something. Saram presents her "rustic" French toast, which is served with prosciutto, eggs, and a big 'ol slice of grapefruit. Padma happily discovers that there is maple syrup on top. Casey also has French toast and grapefruit, but it looks totally different than Saram's. Her French toast incorporates the chunky salsa she's made, along with some spinach, and a sunny-side up egg. I like runny yolks, but this egg is practically begging for salmonella. Padma asks her if she makes a lot of brunch at home, and Casey almost embarrassedly admits she doesn't cook much at home. It's understandable. I don't examine maize DNA sequence in my free time.
Hung's steak and eggs includes some mushroom, onion, and, as the reliably shitty title department would have you believe, papaya. Hung hasn't actually lost his mind and put papaya on steak. The papaya is in the smoothie, which also incorporates banana, honey, and Grand Marnier. I can't believe people are given real money to produce these titles. Padma tells him she's not a usual fan of steak and eggs, but his dish is very good, and the smoothie is "fantastic". Ah, the power of alcohol. Dale says that since he's from the midwest, savory breakfasts are all about bacon. Preach it, brother! He didn't have access to bacon in this challenge, so he used ham to make a ham, apple, and onion frittata on a mustard hollandaise sauce. Padma tells him it's "very nice". Brian has poached egg with lobster (of course) and butter, and added a saute of red onion, lemon, smoked salmon, olives, and grape tomatoes. Yeesh, that's a lot going on. He's also made a blackberry/raspberry/banana smoothie, which doesn't turn out to be that smooth, as Padma discovers some blackberry seeds.
Time for the results. CJ makes fun of Hung for dropping the oil. Hung looks severely unamused, which is severely amusing. Padma doesn't pick any losers for this challenge. Really, everyone did well (except for Brian, who wasn't awful), and Padma always lets Ptom or the guest judge explain why certain people failed. Perhaps the production doesn't want her to come off as a bad guy, which is weird, when you think of the way they let Ptom carry himself. Anyhoo, the two people who impressed Padma the most were Hung and Saram. The win goes to Hung, in part because he used the blender more than Saram, and you've got to keep those sponsors happy. The chefs applaud him, including himself. Classy. Dale can't seem to decide if Hung won because he got Padma to like steak and eggs or because he plied her with liquor. I know what my money's on. As the winner of the Quickfire, Hung will get an advantage in the upcoming Elimination Challenge (hopefully a better "advantage" than Brian got last week), and also a copy of Padma's new cookbook: How To Put Booze In Everything. OK, that's not the real title, but it's probably a more accurate one.
Before she leaves, Padma tells the chefs that the game is about to change. The chefs look at her like "Yeah? What else is new?". She announces that the show is hitting the road, with the last stop in Aspen for the finale. The chefs will leaving Miami this very afternoon. They break into smiles and applause instantly, because they couldn't be more sick of their living space, no matter how nice it is. Hung comes to claim his cookbook, and Padma also hands him airplane tickets to hand out to everyone else. They all grab one, and agree to open them at the same time. They do, and break into wild cheers when they find out where they're headed. The audience, however, must be kept in suspense through the...
Commercials. I don't know why Miller even bothers advertising here. If I'm going to drink cheap beer, I'm going to drink cheap beer that helps the local economy.
OK, what fabulous destination are the chefs off to? New York! Oh. That's kind of a letdown. I mean, hooray for New York and everything, but every reality show ever usually takes place there. I was thinking it'd be someplace, well, new. CJ is excited to go to New York for the first time, so he can get a slice of pizza. Dude, go to Chicago. They're the ones who know pizza. Dale is looking forward to New York, saying his old goal was to make it to the final six. Now that he's done it, his new goal is to make it to the final four. Everyone packs. Brian pays some lip service to Miami, even though the chefs clearly can't wait to blow town. Everyone's proud of what they accomplished, everyone is excited for the next phase of the competition, and everyone wants to win.
A lovingly product-placed plane takes off, and sails shinily through the clear sky. Not shown? Any of this. The plane lands at Newark, and the chefs strut off the plane, where they're met by Padma. I covet yet another T-shirt, in this case CJ's, which has an upside-down tree on it. Padma tells them that in order to make it to Manhattan, the chefs will need to pass the next Elimination Challenge, which is taking place right here in the Newark airport. Casey emits a heavily sarcastic "very nice" which makes me giggle. The chefs are sent off to some scuzzy local hotel for the evening. CJ's upset that he won't get any pizza. I'm fairly certain the Newark airport can take care of that. When I came home from a month and a half abroad, I bought a hot dog in the Newark airport (served by a remarkably rude woman), and it was like heaven. Yay, American grease! But I digress. The chefs resignedly head out.
Elimination Challenge. The chefs come back to the airport, and walk into a large building near the tarmac, which turns out to house the airline kitchens. Everyone is required to wear plastic coverings on their heads, which looks especially goofy on Padma, who refuses to tuck in her bangs. She introduces the man standing next to her, who belongs to a group that is trying to upgrade airline food's poor image. I'd imagine the recent record-breaking amount of late/cancelled flights, lost luggage, making people sit on runways for hours at a stretch, kicking people off planes for wearing skirts, talking, or speaking their native language, and having passengers enjoy a river of excrement would be more of a concern than overcooked chicken, but what do I know?
The Elimination Challenge for the week is to devise a hot entree that will actually whet passengers' appetites. Of course, it's specified that the meals would be going to first-class passengers, and it's not like they've ever had trouble in the food department. It's those of us back in coach who have had to contend with the pig slop. The mystery man is finally dignified with a name (Gerry McLoughlin), as Padma tells the chefs they'll have two hours to prep and package their food, which will be presented to the judges and a group of "travel experts". Hung's advantage for winning the Quickfire is that he gets first choice of proteins, which nobody else may use. Wait, the Quickfire winner gets an actual edge in a challenge that can actually be completed? Am I watching the right show? Gerry gives them a tour of the facilities, which is exactly as exciting as it sounds. The only useful information we get out of it is some common sense (all the food on the plate is heated together, there isn't a lot of packaging space to work with, etc.) and that the food must cook for at least ten minutes. No tuna tartares here! Gerry wishes everyone luck.
The challenge begins, and time starts counting down. Hung steps up to choose his protein, and selects sea-bass (he also says he's going to accent it with some shrimp, but that doesn't seem to count against the other chefs' protein choices). He explains that he chose sea-bass because it's an oily fish, and thus it's difficult to dry out. Sounds reasonable, just as it did before. The other chefs appear to go for their proteins at the same time, so it's a bit chaotic. Dale's strategy is to appeal to as many people as possible, so he goes for peppercorn-crusted filet, which is a "slam dunk". I'll say; I freaking love that stuff. CJ has chosen halibut, and wants to make a kind of succotash pilaf. Brian works on a surf 'n turf of lobster (of course) and New York strip steak. There's a short montage of chefs frantically looking for various kitchen equipment, because they're not psychic enough to know where everything is in a room they've never been in before. CJ beats on a can with a knife, because nobody's been able to locate a can opener. Yeesh. Saram says that burner space is at a premium.
And...in comes Ptom to Ptimewaste. I guess one of the perks of baldness is that he doesn't have to wear a plastic head cover, although based on Ptom's usual clothing choices, it'd probably be a step up. He makes his way through the kitchen, and true to the name, we learn absolutely nothing interesting or essential to the challenge. That's fine; I can pay my credit card bill while I wait for him to shut up. As time begins to wind down, people start boxing up their meals. Brian realizes that CJ has fallen behind, and is unlikely to get things packaged in time. Hung is busy cleaning his knives, and we get an odd segment in which Dale takes him to task (in interview) for not doing CJ's work for him. The other chefs help CJ finish his preparations.
Listen, I'm all for being friendly to your competitors, even as you're trying to best them. Not understanding that is what did Tiffani in. And I'm all for the attitude that you should want to beat your competitors by having a superior product, rather than on some technicality. That said, helping CJ out of a jam that he put himself into is not Hung's responsibility. Sure, it'd be nice if he were kind enough to pitch in, but it's not a character flaw that he didn't. If this were a real life kitchen, in which all the chefs are supposed to be working together, fine. But it's not; it's a zero-sum game. If you and I play Monopoly, know that I love you, but if you land on my hotel, you're handing over the money, bitch.
Commercials. If you don't shop at WalMart, you're a bad mother, and your children will starve.
The chefs walk into a gigantic hangar that houses a large plane. The judges await them at the stairway leading up to the plane's doors. Gail still isn't back (crap!). Taking her place is Anthony Bourdain, who really needs more work to do if he's constantly available to be a backup judge. "You need me to show up and be grouchy? I'll be there in twenty minutes!" I might have to start calling him Anthony Seacrest. This week's guest judge is Jimmy Canora. I guess Gerry wasn't important enough. And rounding out the judges this week is a man who's far too old to be dressing for the Newsies audition he's apparently on his way to. Oh, wait. That's Ptom. He is wearing a leather jacket over a black t-shirt, a backwards newsboy cap, and leather shoes with no socks. No, really. It's like a thrift store fell on top of him, and this is how he emerged from the rubble. Even if he weren't such a shitty judge, would you be able to take criticism from anyone in this getup? Hung recaps the challenge for us. Padma reminds the chefs that they'll be cooking for "travel experts", and these experts unsurprisingly turn out to be a seemingly never-ending line of flight attendants. Once they've all finally boarded the plane, it's time to serve.
Brian and Dale are up first, one in each of the plane's galleys. They each have issues getting the equipment to cooperate with them. CJ helps Brian plate up, and his food is brought out. His strip steak is served with purple potato and a lobster hash. The steaks are enormous. Dale describes them as brontosaurus burgers. Hehe. I can't imagine the diners could eat all of it, and still have room for five other entrees. One woman with an unfortunate speaking voice tells her seatmate that the steaks are really tender and that the portions are very generous. The judges are less pleased, saying that the lobster is overcooked. Casey helps Dale plate up. He serves his peppercorn steak, which has a mushroom sauce and asparagus on top, and leeks on the side. But wait! There's more! He also serves a side dish of shrimp with zucchini and celery. A flight attendant who kind of looks a little like Nnenna loves his presentation. Jimmy thinks the sauce is really rich, and although Anthony likes the aggressive pepper on the steak (as would I), he thinks it's probably a bit too strong for the average person. Two seatmates agree that Dale's was better than Brian's. But not all is well in Daleville. It seems that instead of making eighteen portions, Dale has prepared seventeen. One poor flight attendant is left with an empty tray. Aw. Dale's response to this is a succinct "Oh, fuck".
Up next are Hung and Saram. The magic of television whips us through their cooking time, and CJ comes up to help Saram plate. She says that her vegetables held up well, but isn't too sure about how some of her fish turned out. She serves her seared salmon over leek fondue, which is topped with spinach. Sounds good to me. Her side dish is a spinach and fig couscous. Several flight attendants enjoy the salmon. One woman opines that regular flyers would like it as well. Well, who cares about regular people? Let's go over to Anthony and Ptom, who are bonding over their disdain of the dish. We spend a few seconds on them being their usual ray-of-sunshine selves before catching up with Hung. Casey helps him plate up. He takes out his Chilean sea-bass, which is topped with a tomato sauce, and served with baby squash and onions. Sounds good. It gets good reviews. Even Ptom mutters "pretty good", which translates to Normal Person English as doing a triple backflip and yelling "HOOOOOOOOOORAY!!!!".
Finally, CJ and Casey get ready to serve. Brian helps CJ plate. CJ worries that his vegetable side dish isn't up to par, but feels good otherwise. He takes out his halibut, which is seared and served with toasted farro and mint oil. His side dish is roasted broccolini with breadcrumbs in a vinaigrette. Nothing goes over well with the judges (we don't see how CJ fared with the flight attendants). Anthony drops the word "sickening", but we all know how prone to exaggeration he is, so that probably means "not great". Dale helps Casey plate. She worries that her meat may not have cooked all the way through, and is concerned over her portion size. She takes out her grilled veal medallions with crimini and apple brandy. I had no idea there was a food called crimini. If I didn't dislike mushrooms so much, I'd rush out and buy some now, just so I could enjoy saying the word "crimini" as much as possible. Crimini, crimini, crimini! Casey's side dish is a cauliflower gratin with Gruyere cheese. Ptom gives this one a "very good", so I guess that's like a ninety-nine Roman candle salute. Everyone likes all the food, though Jimmy points out that they don't often serve cauliflower to people stuck on a plane. Heh, no kidding. Padma thanks the flight attendants for "helping [the judges] decide", although I haven't seen any indication that their opinions are taken into account at all. Padma walks back to the coach seats to inform the chefs that she'll see them at Judges' Table. It's a safe bet. Everyone's nervous.
Commercials. We're asked to vote on the "fan favorite". Why not just save a lot of time and effort, and hand over the big toy check to CJ now?
Judges' Table. What a weird color scheme. Is this Newark or the set of Wake Up, San Francisco!? The judges agree that airplane cooking is a tough challenge. Dale's filet was spicy, but otherwise great. However, the fact that he didn't make enough portions is a "huge factor". Brian's steaks varied in doneness, but the real issue was his rubbery, overcooked lobster hash. Hung's sea-bass was a good choice, and well-executed. Both Casey's veal and her cauliflower were very successful, and she showed the qualities of a "chef", rather than a "cook". Again, I'd love for them to sit down one day and explain what they think the differences between those two things are. I'm not the only one who's curious. Saram's salmon had problems, and the couscous even more so. CJ's halibut was nearly overcooked, but the real issue was the broccolini, which the judges really seem to hate with a passion. Back in the other room, the chefs are telling one another that they've had a good ride, and are happy to have met one another. OK, one of you is about to be eliminated from a reality show. Nobody's going to the electric chair. Padma comes back and summons Hung, Casey, and Dale to the table.
The three of them enter the judging room, and Padma tells them they had the three top dishes of the challenge. So much for Dale's portion issue being a "huge factor". They tell him his filet may not have been that creative, but was cooked perfectly. Dale admits to miscounting the amount of food he needed. Hung is asked why he chose sea-bass, and he reiterates the point about the high fat content making sea-bass difficult to overcook. The judges all really liked it. Casey is complimented for both of her dishes. It not only had great flavor, but was very creative as well. Jimmy gets to announce the winner, and for the second consecutive week, it's Casey. Whee! She wins another actual prize: two first-class round trip tickets anywhere in the world. Oh, sweet! Casey says it feels good to be on such a roll. Padma tells the top three that they'll have to send in some of their colleagues. Gee, who could it be? The top three come back, and Casey is congratulated for her win. The bottom three head out to the judges.
Odd Asian music. Gong. Saram is asked how she thinks she did, and she admits that some of the fish portions cooked more than others, and that she should have separated them out better. Ptom gives her a condescending nod, like "of course you should have, you silly little fool". She did like how her leek fondue came out. Anthony tells her that his salmon was overcooked to the point of being cat food. More on this in a second. Padma tells her that the couscous had no flavor, and that she knows Saram is capable of a better couscous. CJ admits his food didn't turn out well, and the judges sneeringly agree. CJ sarcastically thanks them. He talks about his fish for a moment, before the judges tear the broccolini to shreds. It was "horrifying". It shouldn't be served in prison. Blah, blah, blah. Am I missing something? It's broccolini, bread, and some vinaigrette. I can certainly see how it could be unsuccessful. I could even see how it could turn out to be bad. But I simply do not understand how these three things could be combined to make something that disgusting. Brian is asked why he thinks he's here, and he says something about large portions, which doesn't really make sense. Ptom discerns that Brian is surprised to be in the bottom three, and tells him (along with help from Anthony, of course) that his lobster hash was "disgusting".
So... "Cat food." "Horrifying." "Disgusting." "Gross." "Massive hyperbole." Oh, sorry. That last one was me. OK, there have to be winners and losers in the challenge. Fine. And if there's one person who likes to exaggerate to make a point, it's me. But really? Were these three dishes exponentially worse than the other three, or simply not as good? All three of these chefs have won previous challenges. They know their way around food. I just don't see them producing mush that you wouldn't feed to a random stray. All this is conjecture, of course, but maybe it's time to take a weensy step back from the hissyfit ledge, judges. Brian vows that he'll never use lobster again. Oooh, really? He's asked the same question CJ was asked a moment earlier: Is this the dish that sends him home? He duhs (as did CJ) that it is not. Padma dismisses the bottom three, and they come back to the waiting room, describing the panel's criticisms as "brutal".
Deliberations. Brian should have realized his lobster was overcooked. Saram's salmon was poor, and the couscous was terrible. Padma says "Okay..." in a wary tone of voice that suggests she's about to say something in Saram's defense, but of course we cut out before we can hear any of it. CJ's side dish was "beyond help". Ptom calls the broccolini the "single worst thing they've had throughout the entire competition". Oh, come on. I know, it's not like I can taste the food they're eating, but I just don't buy that broccolini was worse than, oh say...Cheeto shitbombs.
Commercials. Yikes, it's official. I have already commented upon every commercial shown during this break. Wow. Let me go make a quick notation in my calendar for tomorrow: Obtain life.
Elimination. Ptom tells the bottom three that by this stage in the competition, they're expecting "first class" food from all the chefs. Shit. I thought we were past the Bad Pun Stage. Saram's salmon was so-so, and the couscous had no business being on the plate. Ptom reiterates to CJ that his broccolini was the single worst dish in three years of the competition. Still not buying it. Brian's lobster hash was really terrible. Padma delivers the bad news. CJ. Please pack your knives and go. Aw, crud. He thanks the judges for the experience and the feedback. The other chefs give him warm hugs. Well, they try. He's hard to reach, after all. He has a typically classy final interview, in which he says he's grateful for all the new connections he's made on the show, and how he's looking forward to what's coming next in his career. He'll gladly go out for a beer with Anthony and talk shit about his horrible broccolini. Oh, who needs Anthony? Come here for a beer, CJ! Assuming we can wedge you into my tiny apartment, you and your fake nut would be most welcome.
Overall Grade: B-
Previously on Top Chef: Howie tried to prove he's not a completely irredeemable dickhead by sacrificing himself to the bullshit challenge and its attendant appalling judging panel. It worked. Six chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening menu. I wanted to tackle those Cheddar/chive biscuits that entire restaurants are built around. I should have probably taken a closer look at the recipe and halved it before I started, because soon my kitchen was overrun with them, like Tribbles. They weren't bad, though.
Morning at Chef's Manor. 6AM, to be precise. Peaceful "happy animals in the forest" music plays as we get shots of all the chefs sleeping. Into this blissful quiet comes a grinning Padma, who happily screams "Good moooooorning! Rise and shine!" as she rips the covers off of Casey. Yeah, it's going to take a while before I buy any of the judges as likable again. CJ sarcastically interviews about how nice and gentle Padma was. She doesn't rip the covers off of any of the guys, which was probably wise. We can have some surprises under those blankets. She tells them there's a surprise in the other room, and skips out. Dale knows to expect some horrible breakfast challenge. Aw, our chefs have finally learned to be appropriately suspicious. By the way, I completely covet Dale's shirt, which simply reads "SLEAZY". Awesome.
Quickfire Challenge. The chefs come into the main room, still in their jammies. A complete challenge has been set up, and I have to wonder how they got that accomplished without waking anybody. Rows of spices, baking staples, and other ingredients line the counter. Padma tells them that their challenge is to make her breakfast in twenty minutes, using a product-placed blender. Saram points out that everyone has to cook in their sleeping clothes, and laughs over how ripped up CJ's are and how Casey's still in her robe. At least they let everyone put a shirt on. Nobody needs a hot oil spatter on their nips. Unless they're into that. Padma gives the word, and everyone scrambles for the food. Naturally, Hung goes into his usual spaz attack the minute the time starts, and as always, I'm torn between annoyance and a sort of admiration for how wholeheartedly he throws himself into these challenges.
Of course, speed without thought has consequences, and this time, it's a bottle of oil that Hung knocks onto the ground, where it shatters. Casey points out that running in a kitchen is not highly recommended, and that now there's oil and glass all over the floor in a room full of chefs in their socks (or in some cases bare feet). Hung interviews that he didn't think he was the one to knock the oil over (a sort of statement you should never make when you know your every move is being videotaped). He offers an insincere apology if he was, in fact, the culprit. Then there's a patched-in quote of him saying he doesn't much care about anyone else, he's just there to cook for himself. I highly doubt this is when he said that; they're just trying to make him sound more hateful. He really doesn't need the help. He raids the fridge, knocking out even more food, then abandoning it on the ground.
Dale tells us he ran a brunch place for a year in Chicago that won an award, but in that case, he had four hours to prep food and a nice, full kitchen. This is twenty minutes, a tiny cutting board, a blender, and a butane burner. Hung interviews that he's always in a hurry (shocker!), so he doesn't eat breakfast often. He sets to work on a steak and egg plate, which is very "traditional". I don't think many people eat steak and eggs for breakfast anymore. They eat it as late night food when they're drunk. Which actually means it's perfect for this challenge, as we all agree that Padma looks hungover as hell. Hung also works on a smoothie with several ingredients, including Grand Marnier. Yep, he knows how to work Padma this morning. Saram also knows her way around Padma's love of booze, directly following that statement up with one about how Padma's into healthy food. Heh. She's making French toast with whole-grain bread. Casey is also making French toast and eggs, and whipping together a salsa as well. She rushes to get something from the counter and almost wipes out on the oil Hung spilled. CJ is working on crepes, which "women love". Um... OK, then. I never really knew crepes were a gender issue, but whatever. Time runs out.
Padma starts off with CJ, who has make a shake out of blueberries, dates, and mascarpone. Quick side note. They've never really defined what criteria a Top Chef possesses, but I'd like to request one. A top chef pronounces the word "mascarpone" correctly. I don't know why supposed professionals insist on giving the r an all-expenses-paid trip to the first syllable, but they need to stop. CJ has also made a berries and cream crepe, with almond flavoring in the whipped cream on top. Padma likes it, which CJ attributes to the awesome power crepes have over women's ovaries or something. Saram presents her "rustic" French toast, which is served with prosciutto, eggs, and a big 'ol slice of grapefruit. Padma happily discovers that there is maple syrup on top. Casey also has French toast and grapefruit, but it looks totally different than Saram's. Her French toast incorporates the chunky salsa she's made, along with some spinach, and a sunny-side up egg. I like runny yolks, but this egg is practically begging for salmonella. Padma asks her if she makes a lot of brunch at home, and Casey almost embarrassedly admits she doesn't cook much at home. It's understandable. I don't examine maize DNA sequence in my free time.
Hung's steak and eggs includes some mushroom, onion, and, as the reliably shitty title department would have you believe, papaya. Hung hasn't actually lost his mind and put papaya on steak. The papaya is in the smoothie, which also incorporates banana, honey, and Grand Marnier. I can't believe people are given real money to produce these titles. Padma tells him she's not a usual fan of steak and eggs, but his dish is very good, and the smoothie is "fantastic". Ah, the power of alcohol. Dale says that since he's from the midwest, savory breakfasts are all about bacon. Preach it, brother! He didn't have access to bacon in this challenge, so he used ham to make a ham, apple, and onion frittata on a mustard hollandaise sauce. Padma tells him it's "very nice". Brian has poached egg with lobster (of course) and butter, and added a saute of red onion, lemon, smoked salmon, olives, and grape tomatoes. Yeesh, that's a lot going on. He's also made a blackberry/raspberry/banana smoothie, which doesn't turn out to be that smooth, as Padma discovers some blackberry seeds.
Time for the results. CJ makes fun of Hung for dropping the oil. Hung looks severely unamused, which is severely amusing. Padma doesn't pick any losers for this challenge. Really, everyone did well (except for Brian, who wasn't awful), and Padma always lets Ptom or the guest judge explain why certain people failed. Perhaps the production doesn't want her to come off as a bad guy, which is weird, when you think of the way they let Ptom carry himself. Anyhoo, the two people who impressed Padma the most were Hung and Saram. The win goes to Hung, in part because he used the blender more than Saram, and you've got to keep those sponsors happy. The chefs applaud him, including himself. Classy. Dale can't seem to decide if Hung won because he got Padma to like steak and eggs or because he plied her with liquor. I know what my money's on. As the winner of the Quickfire, Hung will get an advantage in the upcoming Elimination Challenge (hopefully a better "advantage" than Brian got last week), and also a copy of Padma's new cookbook: How To Put Booze In Everything. OK, that's not the real title, but it's probably a more accurate one.
Before she leaves, Padma tells the chefs that the game is about to change. The chefs look at her like "Yeah? What else is new?". She announces that the show is hitting the road, with the last stop in Aspen for the finale. The chefs will leaving Miami this very afternoon. They break into smiles and applause instantly, because they couldn't be more sick of their living space, no matter how nice it is. Hung comes to claim his cookbook, and Padma also hands him airplane tickets to hand out to everyone else. They all grab one, and agree to open them at the same time. They do, and break into wild cheers when they find out where they're headed. The audience, however, must be kept in suspense through the...
Commercials. I don't know why Miller even bothers advertising here. If I'm going to drink cheap beer, I'm going to drink cheap beer that helps the local economy.
OK, what fabulous destination are the chefs off to? New York! Oh. That's kind of a letdown. I mean, hooray for New York and everything, but every reality show ever usually takes place there. I was thinking it'd be someplace, well, new. CJ is excited to go to New York for the first time, so he can get a slice of pizza. Dude, go to Chicago. They're the ones who know pizza. Dale is looking forward to New York, saying his old goal was to make it to the final six. Now that he's done it, his new goal is to make it to the final four. Everyone packs. Brian pays some lip service to Miami, even though the chefs clearly can't wait to blow town. Everyone's proud of what they accomplished, everyone is excited for the next phase of the competition, and everyone wants to win.
A lovingly product-placed plane takes off, and sails shinily through the clear sky. Not shown? Any of this. The plane lands at Newark, and the chefs strut off the plane, where they're met by Padma. I covet yet another T-shirt, in this case CJ's, which has an upside-down tree on it. Padma tells them that in order to make it to Manhattan, the chefs will need to pass the next Elimination Challenge, which is taking place right here in the Newark airport. Casey emits a heavily sarcastic "very nice" which makes me giggle. The chefs are sent off to some scuzzy local hotel for the evening. CJ's upset that he won't get any pizza. I'm fairly certain the Newark airport can take care of that. When I came home from a month and a half abroad, I bought a hot dog in the Newark airport (served by a remarkably rude woman), and it was like heaven. Yay, American grease! But I digress. The chefs resignedly head out.
Elimination Challenge. The chefs come back to the airport, and walk into a large building near the tarmac, which turns out to house the airline kitchens. Everyone is required to wear plastic coverings on their heads, which looks especially goofy on Padma, who refuses to tuck in her bangs. She introduces the man standing next to her, who belongs to a group that is trying to upgrade airline food's poor image. I'd imagine the recent record-breaking amount of late/cancelled flights, lost luggage, making people sit on runways for hours at a stretch, kicking people off planes for wearing skirts, talking, or speaking their native language, and having passengers enjoy a river of excrement would be more of a concern than overcooked chicken, but what do I know?
The Elimination Challenge for the week is to devise a hot entree that will actually whet passengers' appetites. Of course, it's specified that the meals would be going to first-class passengers, and it's not like they've ever had trouble in the food department. It's those of us back in coach who have had to contend with the pig slop. The mystery man is finally dignified with a name (Gerry McLoughlin), as Padma tells the chefs they'll have two hours to prep and package their food, which will be presented to the judges and a group of "travel experts". Hung's advantage for winning the Quickfire is that he gets first choice of proteins, which nobody else may use. Wait, the Quickfire winner gets an actual edge in a challenge that can actually be completed? Am I watching the right show? Gerry gives them a tour of the facilities, which is exactly as exciting as it sounds. The only useful information we get out of it is some common sense (all the food on the plate is heated together, there isn't a lot of packaging space to work with, etc.) and that the food must cook for at least ten minutes. No tuna tartares here! Gerry wishes everyone luck.
The challenge begins, and time starts counting down. Hung steps up to choose his protein, and selects sea-bass (he also says he's going to accent it with some shrimp, but that doesn't seem to count against the other chefs' protein choices). He explains that he chose sea-bass because it's an oily fish, and thus it's difficult to dry out. Sounds reasonable, just as it did before. The other chefs appear to go for their proteins at the same time, so it's a bit chaotic. Dale's strategy is to appeal to as many people as possible, so he goes for peppercorn-crusted filet, which is a "slam dunk". I'll say; I freaking love that stuff. CJ has chosen halibut, and wants to make a kind of succotash pilaf. Brian works on a surf 'n turf of lobster (of course) and New York strip steak. There's a short montage of chefs frantically looking for various kitchen equipment, because they're not psychic enough to know where everything is in a room they've never been in before. CJ beats on a can with a knife, because nobody's been able to locate a can opener. Yeesh. Saram says that burner space is at a premium.
And...in comes Ptom to Ptimewaste. I guess one of the perks of baldness is that he doesn't have to wear a plastic head cover, although based on Ptom's usual clothing choices, it'd probably be a step up. He makes his way through the kitchen, and true to the name, we learn absolutely nothing interesting or essential to the challenge. That's fine; I can pay my credit card bill while I wait for him to shut up. As time begins to wind down, people start boxing up their meals. Brian realizes that CJ has fallen behind, and is unlikely to get things packaged in time. Hung is busy cleaning his knives, and we get an odd segment in which Dale takes him to task (in interview) for not doing CJ's work for him. The other chefs help CJ finish his preparations.
Listen, I'm all for being friendly to your competitors, even as you're trying to best them. Not understanding that is what did Tiffani in. And I'm all for the attitude that you should want to beat your competitors by having a superior product, rather than on some technicality. That said, helping CJ out of a jam that he put himself into is not Hung's responsibility. Sure, it'd be nice if he were kind enough to pitch in, but it's not a character flaw that he didn't. If this were a real life kitchen, in which all the chefs are supposed to be working together, fine. But it's not; it's a zero-sum game. If you and I play Monopoly, know that I love you, but if you land on my hotel, you're handing over the money, bitch.
Commercials. If you don't shop at WalMart, you're a bad mother, and your children will starve.
The chefs walk into a gigantic hangar that houses a large plane. The judges await them at the stairway leading up to the plane's doors. Gail still isn't back (crap!). Taking her place is Anthony Bourdain, who really needs more work to do if he's constantly available to be a backup judge. "You need me to show up and be grouchy? I'll be there in twenty minutes!" I might have to start calling him Anthony Seacrest. This week's guest judge is Jimmy Canora. I guess Gerry wasn't important enough. And rounding out the judges this week is a man who's far too old to be dressing for the Newsies audition he's apparently on his way to. Oh, wait. That's Ptom. He is wearing a leather jacket over a black t-shirt, a backwards newsboy cap, and leather shoes with no socks. No, really. It's like a thrift store fell on top of him, and this is how he emerged from the rubble. Even if he weren't such a shitty judge, would you be able to take criticism from anyone in this getup? Hung recaps the challenge for us. Padma reminds the chefs that they'll be cooking for "travel experts", and these experts unsurprisingly turn out to be a seemingly never-ending line of flight attendants. Once they've all finally boarded the plane, it's time to serve.
Brian and Dale are up first, one in each of the plane's galleys. They each have issues getting the equipment to cooperate with them. CJ helps Brian plate up, and his food is brought out. His strip steak is served with purple potato and a lobster hash. The steaks are enormous. Dale describes them as brontosaurus burgers. Hehe. I can't imagine the diners could eat all of it, and still have room for five other entrees. One woman with an unfortunate speaking voice tells her seatmate that the steaks are really tender and that the portions are very generous. The judges are less pleased, saying that the lobster is overcooked. Casey helps Dale plate up. He serves his peppercorn steak, which has a mushroom sauce and asparagus on top, and leeks on the side. But wait! There's more! He also serves a side dish of shrimp with zucchini and celery. A flight attendant who kind of looks a little like Nnenna loves his presentation. Jimmy thinks the sauce is really rich, and although Anthony likes the aggressive pepper on the steak (as would I), he thinks it's probably a bit too strong for the average person. Two seatmates agree that Dale's was better than Brian's. But not all is well in Daleville. It seems that instead of making eighteen portions, Dale has prepared seventeen. One poor flight attendant is left with an empty tray. Aw. Dale's response to this is a succinct "Oh, fuck".
Up next are Hung and Saram. The magic of television whips us through their cooking time, and CJ comes up to help Saram plate. She says that her vegetables held up well, but isn't too sure about how some of her fish turned out. She serves her seared salmon over leek fondue, which is topped with spinach. Sounds good to me. Her side dish is a spinach and fig couscous. Several flight attendants enjoy the salmon. One woman opines that regular flyers would like it as well. Well, who cares about regular people? Let's go over to Anthony and Ptom, who are bonding over their disdain of the dish. We spend a few seconds on them being their usual ray-of-sunshine selves before catching up with Hung. Casey helps him plate up. He takes out his Chilean sea-bass, which is topped with a tomato sauce, and served with baby squash and onions. Sounds good. It gets good reviews. Even Ptom mutters "pretty good", which translates to Normal Person English as doing a triple backflip and yelling "HOOOOOOOOOORAY!!!!".
Finally, CJ and Casey get ready to serve. Brian helps CJ plate. CJ worries that his vegetable side dish isn't up to par, but feels good otherwise. He takes out his halibut, which is seared and served with toasted farro and mint oil. His side dish is roasted broccolini with breadcrumbs in a vinaigrette. Nothing goes over well with the judges (we don't see how CJ fared with the flight attendants). Anthony drops the word "sickening", but we all know how prone to exaggeration he is, so that probably means "not great". Dale helps Casey plate. She worries that her meat may not have cooked all the way through, and is concerned over her portion size. She takes out her grilled veal medallions with crimini and apple brandy. I had no idea there was a food called crimini. If I didn't dislike mushrooms so much, I'd rush out and buy some now, just so I could enjoy saying the word "crimini" as much as possible. Crimini, crimini, crimini! Casey's side dish is a cauliflower gratin with Gruyere cheese. Ptom gives this one a "very good", so I guess that's like a ninety-nine Roman candle salute. Everyone likes all the food, though Jimmy points out that they don't often serve cauliflower to people stuck on a plane. Heh, no kidding. Padma thanks the flight attendants for "helping [the judges] decide", although I haven't seen any indication that their opinions are taken into account at all. Padma walks back to the coach seats to inform the chefs that she'll see them at Judges' Table. It's a safe bet. Everyone's nervous.
Commercials. We're asked to vote on the "fan favorite". Why not just save a lot of time and effort, and hand over the big toy check to CJ now?
Judges' Table. What a weird color scheme. Is this Newark or the set of Wake Up, San Francisco!? The judges agree that airplane cooking is a tough challenge. Dale's filet was spicy, but otherwise great. However, the fact that he didn't make enough portions is a "huge factor". Brian's steaks varied in doneness, but the real issue was his rubbery, overcooked lobster hash. Hung's sea-bass was a good choice, and well-executed. Both Casey's veal and her cauliflower were very successful, and she showed the qualities of a "chef", rather than a "cook". Again, I'd love for them to sit down one day and explain what they think the differences between those two things are. I'm not the only one who's curious. Saram's salmon had problems, and the couscous even more so. CJ's halibut was nearly overcooked, but the real issue was the broccolini, which the judges really seem to hate with a passion. Back in the other room, the chefs are telling one another that they've had a good ride, and are happy to have met one another. OK, one of you is about to be eliminated from a reality show. Nobody's going to the electric chair. Padma comes back and summons Hung, Casey, and Dale to the table.
The three of them enter the judging room, and Padma tells them they had the three top dishes of the challenge. So much for Dale's portion issue being a "huge factor". They tell him his filet may not have been that creative, but was cooked perfectly. Dale admits to miscounting the amount of food he needed. Hung is asked why he chose sea-bass, and he reiterates the point about the high fat content making sea-bass difficult to overcook. The judges all really liked it. Casey is complimented for both of her dishes. It not only had great flavor, but was very creative as well. Jimmy gets to announce the winner, and for the second consecutive week, it's Casey. Whee! She wins another actual prize: two first-class round trip tickets anywhere in the world. Oh, sweet! Casey says it feels good to be on such a roll. Padma tells the top three that they'll have to send in some of their colleagues. Gee, who could it be? The top three come back, and Casey is congratulated for her win. The bottom three head out to the judges.
Odd Asian music. Gong. Saram is asked how she thinks she did, and she admits that some of the fish portions cooked more than others, and that she should have separated them out better. Ptom gives her a condescending nod, like "of course you should have, you silly little fool". She did like how her leek fondue came out. Anthony tells her that his salmon was overcooked to the point of being cat food. More on this in a second. Padma tells her that the couscous had no flavor, and that she knows Saram is capable of a better couscous. CJ admits his food didn't turn out well, and the judges sneeringly agree. CJ sarcastically thanks them. He talks about his fish for a moment, before the judges tear the broccolini to shreds. It was "horrifying". It shouldn't be served in prison. Blah, blah, blah. Am I missing something? It's broccolini, bread, and some vinaigrette. I can certainly see how it could be unsuccessful. I could even see how it could turn out to be bad. But I simply do not understand how these three things could be combined to make something that disgusting. Brian is asked why he thinks he's here, and he says something about large portions, which doesn't really make sense. Ptom discerns that Brian is surprised to be in the bottom three, and tells him (along with help from Anthony, of course) that his lobster hash was "disgusting".
So... "Cat food." "Horrifying." "Disgusting." "Gross." "Massive hyperbole." Oh, sorry. That last one was me. OK, there have to be winners and losers in the challenge. Fine. And if there's one person who likes to exaggerate to make a point, it's me. But really? Were these three dishes exponentially worse than the other three, or simply not as good? All three of these chefs have won previous challenges. They know their way around food. I just don't see them producing mush that you wouldn't feed to a random stray. All this is conjecture, of course, but maybe it's time to take a weensy step back from the hissyfit ledge, judges. Brian vows that he'll never use lobster again. Oooh, really? He's asked the same question CJ was asked a moment earlier: Is this the dish that sends him home? He duhs (as did CJ) that it is not. Padma dismisses the bottom three, and they come back to the waiting room, describing the panel's criticisms as "brutal".
Deliberations. Brian should have realized his lobster was overcooked. Saram's salmon was poor, and the couscous was terrible. Padma says "Okay..." in a wary tone of voice that suggests she's about to say something in Saram's defense, but of course we cut out before we can hear any of it. CJ's side dish was "beyond help". Ptom calls the broccolini the "single worst thing they've had throughout the entire competition". Oh, come on. I know, it's not like I can taste the food they're eating, but I just don't buy that broccolini was worse than, oh say...Cheeto shitbombs.
Commercials. Yikes, it's official. I have already commented upon every commercial shown during this break. Wow. Let me go make a quick notation in my calendar for tomorrow: Obtain life.
Elimination. Ptom tells the bottom three that by this stage in the competition, they're expecting "first class" food from all the chefs. Shit. I thought we were past the Bad Pun Stage. Saram's salmon was so-so, and the couscous had no business being on the plate. Ptom reiterates to CJ that his broccolini was the single worst dish in three years of the competition. Still not buying it. Brian's lobster hash was really terrible. Padma delivers the bad news. CJ. Please pack your knives and go. Aw, crud. He thanks the judges for the experience and the feedback. The other chefs give him warm hugs. Well, they try. He's hard to reach, after all. He has a typically classy final interview, in which he says he's grateful for all the new connections he's made on the show, and how he's looking forward to what's coming next in his career. He'll gladly go out for a beer with Anthony and talk shit about his horrible broccolini. Oh, who needs Anthony? Come here for a beer, CJ! Assuming we can wedge you into my tiny apartment, you and your fake nut would be most welcome.
Overall Grade: B-
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Chef Overboard
Top Chef - Season 3, Episode 11
Previously on Top Chef: The show took a week off, and tried to lure us into watching a repeat non-episode with Ilan in it. Hah! Nice try. Before that, Saram ruled the Kitchen in the restaurant challenge do-over, while Tre made some awful salmon, leading to his surprising elimination. Seven chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening menu. The string of Labor Day parties/BBQs took their toll on me, and to avoid feeling even more bloated, we had a light Top Chef night, dipping slices of bell pepper (aka the only vegetable that I'll eat raw) into fat-free ranch dressing.
Miami. CJ tosses a bit in bed as he interviews that he thinks he did the right thing by assigning Tre to be head chef for the restaurant challenge, based on his experience. OK, fine. What about telling the judges that you thought his bread pudding was boring? I mean, I think Tre's fate was sealed anyway, but let's not pretend it was all hearts and flowers. Hung was surprised at Tre's ouster, telling us that his elimination was the first one Hung feels bad about. Hung has minimal interest in other people? Shocking. Brian interviews that he's missing the comforts of home, from his wife to his dog to his restaurant. On first viewing, I gritted my teeth here, because that's some dangerous stuff to hear in the opening interview. Casey points out there are two women left. Thanks for the update. The chefs head out for the day.
Quickfire Challenge. The chefs enter the Kitchen, where they are met by Padma and this week's guest judge, Michael Schwartz. He owns a restaurant. Standard oohs and aahs by contestants who are probably fed these lines about how awesome the guest judges are, but since it's pretty much the only way to hear about their credentials, have at it, Dale. He does. Padma says that this round is about food looking good and making the most of what you have. Um, isn't that sort of what every week is about? Michael tells them that food should look great and taste great. Wait, let me write that down. How often will I get such a perceptive, in-depth tip from a professional? I'll jot it down here next to "Don't serve rat poison as an appetizer." Padma tells the chefs they'll have to use some creativity for the Quickfire, then has them draw knives that have numbers on them. These numbers correspond to supermarket aisles. Aside from some basic provided supplies, the remaining ingredients must all come from that single aisle. Hey, that's a pretty nifty challenge idea. Well done. I'm less excited about the challenge's details: a ten-minute time limit, a ten-dollar budget, and twenty minutes to cook. Ugh. The chefs look grim. Padma dismisses everyone.
Off to the store! Howie has gotten the canned fruit/nectars/box juice/powder drinks aisle. Yikes. Although I love how "nectars" is apparently a large enough product category to warrant its own sign. Howie isn't happy with this development. Hung is over in the cereal/coffee/canned milk aisle. He wants to do something along the lines of something he made as a kid. CJ tells us he's in the "Spanish condiment" aisle, which has some nice possibilities, though as he tells us, there's really only so many ways one can pickle okra. Casey's in the cookies/crackers/bread aisle. Looks like she's got access to the jelly as well. She grabs some mango preserves, ginger snaps, and Nilla wafers, saying she's going to do a take on banana pudding. Dale is in the canned soup/dry soup/Chinese/Mexican aisle, which sounds the easiest to me. Dale disagrees, fruitlessly scanning the shelves for some good protein. He settles on Ramen noodles, black beans, and hominy. Fate smiles on Brian, setting him down in the canned seafood aisle. He's happy until he thinks back to Ptom's complaint that he relies on seafood too much. Since Ptom's idea of what's good and what's important changes every forty-five seconds, I wouldn't put that much stock in it, but Brian decides to change up his usual method, and opts for Spam. I've never tried it. I'm curious about it, though. Everyone checks out.
Back at the Kitchen, the chefs spring into their preparations. Saram says she wants to make "free-form lasagna", stuffed with white beans and sweet peas. Guess we know what aisle she got. Howie has already given up on himself, saying he doesn't like the challenge, and doesn't feel he'll be able to come up with something he'll be happy with. Grousing about Howie and his standards has become second-nature, but I feel him on this one. Ten dollars in the powdered drinks aisle? Hung is having far more fun, saying he's just playing around on this challenge as he beats some blue Froot Loops into dust. He building a little "Smurf village", as Dale calls it. The blue Froot Loops have made a river through brown "land", and there are domes of white, made out of God knows what. I didn't know Hung was capable of making something so immature, and that's a compliment. Brian interviews that he wants some of whatever drug Hung is taking. Pass some this way, too. Hung interviews that he just wants to express himself, because he loves eating. In fact, he "grew up eating". Wow! He ate as he grew up? He should write a book! Whimsical music caps off Hung's Adventures In Food Societies.
CJ is making curried potato risotto, and says that he went to add some sugar to it, but threw in a big helping of salt instead. Deja vu! Are there scores of chefs across the country who are continually having this issue? Should we dye sugar from here on out? CJ doesn't have time to fix his food. Howie is also having issues. He says he tried to make a sauce out of canned Mandarin oranges, but it fell apart. With a little more than two minutes left, the chefs go into their usual hyperdrive mode. With twenty seconds left, Howie decides that what he's made is crap, and pours it out, deciding to present nothing, rather than bad food. Time runs out.
Padma and Michael go down the line, starting with Saram. She's stuffed some ravioli noodles with white beans and sweet peas, topped it with crisped shallots, and the entire thing rests on a light tomato sauce. Nice job. "It's not as bad as I thought it'd be," Padma says. Saram gives her a "thanks a ton, snatch" face. Brian's Spam preparation is very pretty. He's made a sort of corned beef hash out of it, then paired it with fried egg, onions, and a drizzled balsamic reduction. Michael tells him it's great. Dale has mixed Ramen noodles with hominy, black beans, queso fresco, hot salsa, and has topped the whole thing with an egg, as he is wont to do. Michael tells him it certainly has a kick. So much so that he and Padma have to choke down some water before moving on to CJ.
This past weekend, I took care of a friend's cat while she was out of town. The cat has been having some stomach issues, with the result that it left a puddle for me to clean up that was so gooey, I couldn't tell which end it had come out of. What is the point of this disgusting story? Only that the puddle and the slop on CJ's plate look almost identical. CJ's is a bit more yellow. He's made his curried potato risotto with a bitter orange marinade, leeks, and hot banana peppers. He laughingly tells Padma and Michael about his salt/sugar mixup, which is really his only option at this point. Michael reluctantly takes a bite, then hurriedly moves on to Casey. She's made her pudding with the aforementioned mango preserves, Nilla wafers, and ginger snaps, and has also incorporated lemon and whipped cream. It looks good, and it sounds good. Hung's little food village is greeted by a phenomenally rude "What the fuck is that?!?" from Michael. It certainly is...colorful. There's a bright yellow egg sun, rising above a village made from cereal, chocolate drink powder, leeks, and whipped cream. There's a little drink (possibly milk) on the side.
Everyone laughs it up. CJ describes it as Candyland-meets-diorama. The only one not in on the joke is Michael, who seems to have had his sense of humor surgically removed, I guess to make room for his 1992 hipster beard. Hung knows that Michael's close-mindedness has doomed him in this challenge, and for once, his automatic condescension towards a judge who doesn't instantly love him is understandable. He makes a sour face, and the rest of the chefs give him a rousing round of applause as Padma and Michael move on. Howie tells them that he tried to make a banana mousse with Mandarin orange sauce, but it turned out so poorly that he didn't want to serve it. Padma's pretty much "whatever" about it, but there are disdainful interviews from Dale and CJ about how you should never give up and so on and so forth. I don't know. If Howie's food was really that gross, I don't blame him for not wanting people to eat it. So naturally, Howie's in the bottom of the challenge, along with CJ's sloppy, salty mess. The winner is someone who "took chances" and "made something look fabulous". Nope, not Hung. Brian's Spam wins the day. He's happy about it, because he hasn't heard about the "prize" that awaits him.
Want to know what "advantage" Brian has earned for winning the Quickfire? Well, in this week's Elimination Challenge, the chefs will band together into one team to cater an "ultra-exclusive" party. A party so exclusive they let camera crews wander around to film people chewing. There's some blah about the oh-so-sophisticated host and guests, but it's all bullshit and kind of boring to boot. The party will have sixty guests, and the chefs will have a budget of $350. No, that's not a typo. $350 total. So if the sixty guests don't include the host and the four judges, that means that each diner will get about $5.38 worth of food. In other words, this is one of those horribly-designed challenges that is clearly setting the chefs up to fail. God, I hate challenges in which it is almost impossible to excel.
And the bullshit keeps on coming! Brian's "prize" for winning the Quickfire is that he "gets" to choose who the team leader is going to be. Gee, what a great prize. Why not just offer him a few free rounds of Russian roulette? If he chooses himself as the leader, he sets himself up to be on the chopping block later when the strict budget leads to inevitably lackluster food. If he chooses someone else, he'll be accused of "not stepping up" or "pushing off responsibility" or some other such twaddle and be taken to task for it when the strict budget leads to inevitably lackluster food. So Brian's "advantage" is to be in an unwinnable position within an unwinnable challenge. Nice. This is why, if I ever woke up and found myself on this show, I'd start intentionally throwing the Quickfires once immunity is no longer given. Brian has to make a choice, and he chooses to elect himself team leader. He knows he's in a precarious position. Padma dismisses everyone.
Back at Chef's Manor, everyone starts trying to come up with ideas, even though this episode lost any pretense of suspense when the challenge parameters were outlined. Have I mentioned I don't care for this challenge? Let me restate that, just in case I've been unclear. The chefs try to come up with a number of dishes to make, and Brian fuses a few of them into mini-teams, like Dale/Hung and Casey/Saram. Howie will be working on his own (duh), and will be working on two separate dishes to make up for the fact that he didn't present one in the Quickfire. Everyone comes up with their own ideas for their own dishes, and although Brian seems perfectly happy with such a democratic process, Hung sniffs in an interview that he would have assigned people to do specific dishes. Sure, there's no way that would ever blow up in anyone's face. The chefs settle on a final menu.
Commercials. Er, why are there ads for little girls' dolls during a show where people call each other "dickheads" and say "fuck" in every other sentence?
Morning. Casey and Dale Greek chorus us through the challenge details. Brian fusses over the budget, as well he might. He's a little concerned about Howie, who tends to overspend. It looks like they decide to manage it the easy way, and just split the money seven ways ($50 per chef) once they get to the market. They've got half an hour to shop. Saram tells us that they're trying to put some variation into their menu, so that there's some vegetarian stuff, some fish, some meat, etc. Casey and Saram apparently have that condition from Memento where they forget everything the second it's happened, because they decide to make a dessert. Casey admits that this is risky. Howie has already gone over-budget by the time he's collected half of his groceries. He and Brian work through the basket, deciding what stays and what goes (and what might be covered by other chefs). Here's as good a place as any to mention that Howie works through this entire team challenge really well. I think having everyone gang up on him after he made Saran cry opened some doors. That, and I suspect that all the chefs are banding together in a "Wow, this challenge sucks donkey balls" kind of attitude. That may just be me projecting, but whatever. I'm going with it. Dale mentions that in order to save some money, he has forfeited some goat cheese in favor of yogurt and cream cheese. The chefs check out with 25 cents to spare.
The chefs leave the store as Howie reiterates that he's going to be a good team player. The cars approach some docks, and Brian wonders if the challenge is going to be on a boat. Howie has had experience catering on a boat, and isn't a fan. They've guessed correctly. Oddly intense music greets the chefs as they pull up to the dock. Padma greets them, and lets them know that they'll be working on the gigantic boat sitting five feet away. Wow, thanks for the info. I was so confused. The chefs grab their food, and head into the very cramped kitchen. CJ can barely stand up in it. The seven of them cram themselves in, then get started on their two hours of prep time. Dale works on cheese puffs. His yogurt/cream cheese substitution isn't working out as well as he'd hoped. Brian prepares some ahi tuna. Saram works on a tomato bread pudding. Casey thinly slices some beef by hand, because there's no slicer on board. CJ works on scallop/shrimp sausage on toasted brioche, and a salad to be served with it. He tells us that seafood sausage tends to be technical, so he'll need almost the full prep time to get this one thing done. Hung says that he has chosen to do a classic, making a salmon mousse to put on cucumber slices, then topping them with caviar. Sounds good to me. Of course, that may be because I have what Hung calls an "average palate". Ooga booga! I'll just be over here waving my club around before I go home to my cave to enjoy primitive things like salmon. He's also working with Dale on a chicken salad to be served on toast. So the chefs are making a slew of very simple dishes, which is, of course, all they can do with such little money.
Ptom stops by to Ptimewaste. He checks in with Howie, who's making asparagus and prosciutto cigars in some phyllo, and also some mushroom tartlets. Ptom seems surprised at how much work Howie has yet to do. He then wanders over to Brian, and asks him why he "chose" to be team leader. Um, because you essentially forced him into it? Douchebag. Brian gives a pageant answer about "accepting the opportunity to lead". I guess I shouldn't call it a pageant answer, since it made a modicum of sense. After asking Saram why she's making a dessert in addition to the tomato bread pudding ("because you need something sweet"), he's mercifully done. He comes out to address us, and whines that the chefs shouldn't be making so many dishes, because they're spreading themselves too thin, given the meager budget. It's a fair point, but you just know that if the chefs had done that, we'd be hearing a whine about how they put all their eggs in one basket, and there wasn't enough to satisfy a range of palates or whatever. Brian makes sure everyone is caught up, and announces the order that the dishes will be served. Howie reminds us yet again that he's been told he's not a team player, so he's "going out of [his] way to be less..."
Everyone at the viewing party: "You."
"...pushy or aggressive." Oh. That, too. He gets a little defensive as he reminds us that he's won a few challenges. Yes, and you've sucked at just as many. His mushroom tartlets are not pretty. In fact, they look like goose poop. Hung describes it as "dog diarrhea". Heh. That's very evocative, but they're not nearly runny enough for that. Wow, I don't think I've ever referred to so much animal excrement in a single recap before. Howie asks Brian to taste one to make sure he's happy with it. Brian tells him it's good, which is CJ's cue to interview that Brian is giving them plenty of breathing space, but isn't being aggressive enough in telling people if things aren't good enough. Brian explains that he feels his role is more of a facilitator than a boss. He's giving people the opportunity to succeed or fail based on their own skills. Sounds good to me. Time winds down.
Commercials. Ben Stiller and Jennifer Love Hewitt are both featured in this commercial break, and if you had told me ten years ago that he was going to turn out to be the more annoying of the two, I wouldn't have believed you. Ah, how time makes fools of us all.
We're back. A pelican looks just as disgusted with this challenge as I am. The judges board the boat. Where the hell is Gail? Is she ever coming back? At least she's not replaced by Ted Allen this week, because man, do I ever need a break from him. Padma summons the chefs to the deck to introduce the judges. Dana Cowin is sitting in for Gail this week, and Michael is still present as guest judge. That dispensed with, the chefs are released back to the kitchen, and the guests begin to board. Are there hoochie dresses? And how! The guests drink and mingle as the chefs finish prepping the food. Brian sets up a table with the food, then announces to everyone that it's ready. He tells us in interview that this was a mistake, because it means that everyone descends upon the table at the same time, like a plague of locusts. Normally, I'd say that they'd have conserved food by passing it around on trays, but since there's no staff available to do that, I'm not sure how he could have handled this any differently.
Saram tells a guest about her tomato bread pudding, which is topped with a basil cream. It's very pretty, though I'm not sure I'd like the flavor. Padma loves it. A random woman eats one of Howie's goose turds. The entire supply of food is wiped out quickly, and while Brian goes down to refill some trays, Padma is upstairs petulantly asking if there's going to be more food. Are the judges actively trying to be as obnoxious as possible this week? Shut the fuck up, lady. I can't believe anyone even has to explain this, but when all of your guests eat at the same time, the food goes quickly. Got that, Padma? Great. Next week, we'll tackle the alphabet. Casey is not enjoying all this chaos. Brian's ahi poke with shallots and pickled jicama goes out. Padma takes a bite, and a look of pure disgust crosses her face. Rut roh! Michael sniffs that it tastes like wakame. All right, then.
Hung goes out with his (and Dale's) apple/chicken curry salad and his own salmon mousse on cucumber. Saram takes Dale's yogurt puffs, which look a little sad. The judges hate the yogurt, and I'll save my fuming about that for Judges' Table. CJ takes out his shrimp and scallop sausage on brioche with the pickled ginger and jicama/radish salad on top. The guests seem to like it. Casey serves her beef carpaccio with watercress, fried capers, and a shiitake broth. The host tells her it's his favorite dish so far. Next is Howie's asparagus/prosciutto/Parmesan cigars. Michael says that it's ugly and greasy. Two guests salivate over the rumor of the upcoming chocolate mousse. Unfortunately for them, it's not going well down in the kitchen. Casey interviews that with such a restrictive challenge, they chose to buy packaged mousse, discovered that it didn't make very much, and attempted to expand the volume by adding whipped cream. It doesn't work, and the whole thing becomes a soupy mess. Casey and Saram pass it around to the other chefs, and they all agree that it shouldn't be served. Into the trash it goes.
The guests sip champagne, and give polite golf claps to the chefs when they emerge from the kitchen. Brian calls this "a huge round of applause", and I hate to say it, but...no. Padma thanks the chefs, then offers them some champagne. She also reminds them that they have serious matter to discuss at Judges' Table. Like how much bullshit this challenge was? Sadly, no. The chefs toast each other. The sun sets picturesquely.
Commercials. Georgia Rule is now available on DVD. I guess The Final Nail In The Coffin That Is Lindsay Lohan's Career wouldn't fit on the box.
Judges' Table. We get a pre-emptive idea of what the chefs think when they gather in the Kitchen, and Howie opens with "I thought every dish was good. I don't give a fuck what they say." Preach it, crabby! I mean, I don't know that every dish was good, but anything anti-judge tonight is fine by me. Out in the dining room, Padma asks Michael how he thought everything was. He calls it "flat and uninspired".
Tim: "Kind of like your hair."
Dana complains that most of the dishes were served on bread or toast. So the food wasn't impressive enough, certain ingredient substitutions weren't welcome, and there was too much bread as a basis. Wow, you'd almost think that there was an overly severe budgetary restriction! I'd like to issue this challenge to the judges. Take six dollars, and make a series of appetizers that will blow my mind (a single order of green beans at Ptom's restaurant is, like, ten dollars). Get the feeling I'll be waiting a while? Yeah, me too. Assholes.
There is some good news. Everyone liked Casey's carpaccio and CJ's seafood sausage. As far as the worst offenders, Dale had the temerity to not be able to afford goat cheese, and his yogurt was runny. Howie's asparagus cigars aren't a hit either, and Ptom whines that he doesn't like it when people refer to food as cigars. Are they trying to reach a record for Greatest Number of Stupid, Pointless Criticisms in a Single Episode? Because I think they've almost got it. Howie's mushroom tartlets also sucked. Since, as I've said, this challenge is completely unwinnable, the judges naturally conclude that Brian has failed as a leader. Padma comes back to the Kitchen, and summons everyone to the table.
Odd Asian music. Gong. Padma asks Brian how he thinks the challenge went. He says they "covered all the bases", which is sort of code for "nothing outright sucked, which is the best you chuckleheads can ask for in this challenge". Ptom asks why the chocolate mousse wasn't served, and seems to accept the reasoning that it didn't meet the chefs' expectations. Brian is asked why some people took on two dishes instead of one. Brian says that he allowed people to do whatever they thought they could handle, and that while he may be team leader, he's not these people's boss; they're chefs, not line cooks. This is an entirely fair answer, but that makes the judges look dumb, so they pounce on him for "not making tough decisions", because he "clearly thought" it was a mistake to allow people to take on extra work. I'm sorry, when did he say that he thought the people who made two dishes couldn't handle that many? Oh, right. HE DIDN'T, YOU FUCKING COCKBITES. Ptom looks to shore up his argument by turning to Saram, who did one dish. She gloriously destroys the point he's warming up to make by pointing out that she did attempt to do two dishes; the second one was the one they didn't serve. Hah! Dana points out her problem with the bread, and Brian duhs that you have to take shortcuts when you have such time and money restrictions.
Michael (whose microphone has stopped working in protest of this ridiculous discussion) says that he had problems with the color and presentation. Ptom attempts to needle Hung about how old the idea of a salmon mousse on cucumber is, and he picked the wrong guy to smarm at. Hung smarms in his sleep. He goes off on a long tangent about how classic some of the appetizers were, and how they've been successfully served for hundreds of years. Ptom complains that the chefs didn't put out their best. YOU SET THEM UP TO FAIL, YOU FUCKETY FUCKBAG. Padma asks Howie how he thinks his two dishes went over. Howie thinks they were fine. Ptom talks about how bad the mushroom tartlets looked, and Michael presses that Howie was all about integrity in the Quickfire, but put out crap in the Elimination Challenge. I've got the screen frozen here, and you can actually pinpoint the exact second that Howie decides these people aren't worth the fucking headache. Dale. Yogurt. We've covered it. Honestly, my brain just reached the same point Howie's has, so let's just summarize by saying the judges are full of shit, and by this point in the episode, I'm not prepared to accept their opinion on anything.
Anyhoo, Howie sees which way the wind is blowing, knows that there's absolutely no way to please these twats, and does the one thing that can completely take the wind out of their sails: he makes the decision for them. He asks to address the panel, and tells the judges that rather than risk sending Brian (who showed a "hell of a lot of leadership") home, he's going to withdraw himself from the competition. And...BAM! The judges are rendered totally powerless. Oh, Padma tries to make it seem like the judges are still in charge of the decision, but there's no way they could force someone to stay in the competition against their will, and they know it. I swear, Howie just earned back about 80% of the points he's lost with me over the course of this season. Ptom tries to sound disgusted as he dismisses the chefs, and a feeling of lovely, warm smugness washes over me as I see how utterly...neutered he is in this situation. Aaaaaah. Back in the Kitchen, Howie simply says that he'll be in charge of his own destiny, so "fuck them". Make that 85% of the points he's lost. In the dining room, the judges desperately try to convince themselves that they're making an actual decision, and that their deliberations aren't completely pointless. You and I know better, so let's just skip the rest.
Commercials. I know I like to rag on a lot of products, but those Glad steaming bags are great.
Elimination. Actually, there is an actual winner this week, and it's Casey. She even wins a real prize! It's a computer, and I'm informed it's a pretty snazzy one. Good for her. I have a weird soft spot for Casey. She, Saram, and CJ are all safe, and are allowed to leave the dining room. Now, the actual elimination. Duh, it's Howie. Please pack your knives and go. Can you tell I'm anxious to wrap this shit up? In his final interview, he says that he's not very proud of the way he's acted in the competition; that it put him in the mindset of being surrounded by enemies, when in fact, cooking is a "team sport". 90% of the points. He says that he has no regrets about his decision. He knows he's a good chef, and all anyone has to do to know that is to come taste his food. It's rich in sweaty goodness.
Overall Grade: D+
Previously on Top Chef: The show took a week off, and tried to lure us into watching a repeat non-episode with Ilan in it. Hah! Nice try. Before that, Saram ruled the Kitchen in the restaurant challenge do-over, while Tre made some awful salmon, leading to his surprising elimination. Seven chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening menu. The string of Labor Day parties/BBQs took their toll on me, and to avoid feeling even more bloated, we had a light Top Chef night, dipping slices of bell pepper (aka the only vegetable that I'll eat raw) into fat-free ranch dressing.
Miami. CJ tosses a bit in bed as he interviews that he thinks he did the right thing by assigning Tre to be head chef for the restaurant challenge, based on his experience. OK, fine. What about telling the judges that you thought his bread pudding was boring? I mean, I think Tre's fate was sealed anyway, but let's not pretend it was all hearts and flowers. Hung was surprised at Tre's ouster, telling us that his elimination was the first one Hung feels bad about. Hung has minimal interest in other people? Shocking. Brian interviews that he's missing the comforts of home, from his wife to his dog to his restaurant. On first viewing, I gritted my teeth here, because that's some dangerous stuff to hear in the opening interview. Casey points out there are two women left. Thanks for the update. The chefs head out for the day.
Quickfire Challenge. The chefs enter the Kitchen, where they are met by Padma and this week's guest judge, Michael Schwartz. He owns a restaurant. Standard oohs and aahs by contestants who are probably fed these lines about how awesome the guest judges are, but since it's pretty much the only way to hear about their credentials, have at it, Dale. He does. Padma says that this round is about food looking good and making the most of what you have. Um, isn't that sort of what every week is about? Michael tells them that food should look great and taste great. Wait, let me write that down. How often will I get such a perceptive, in-depth tip from a professional? I'll jot it down here next to "Don't serve rat poison as an appetizer." Padma tells the chefs they'll have to use some creativity for the Quickfire, then has them draw knives that have numbers on them. These numbers correspond to supermarket aisles. Aside from some basic provided supplies, the remaining ingredients must all come from that single aisle. Hey, that's a pretty nifty challenge idea. Well done. I'm less excited about the challenge's details: a ten-minute time limit, a ten-dollar budget, and twenty minutes to cook. Ugh. The chefs look grim. Padma dismisses everyone.
Off to the store! Howie has gotten the canned fruit/nectars/box juice/powder drinks aisle. Yikes. Although I love how "nectars" is apparently a large enough product category to warrant its own sign. Howie isn't happy with this development. Hung is over in the cereal/coffee/canned milk aisle. He wants to do something along the lines of something he made as a kid. CJ tells us he's in the "Spanish condiment" aisle, which has some nice possibilities, though as he tells us, there's really only so many ways one can pickle okra. Casey's in the cookies/crackers/bread aisle. Looks like she's got access to the jelly as well. She grabs some mango preserves, ginger snaps, and Nilla wafers, saying she's going to do a take on banana pudding. Dale is in the canned soup/dry soup/Chinese/Mexican aisle, which sounds the easiest to me. Dale disagrees, fruitlessly scanning the shelves for some good protein. He settles on Ramen noodles, black beans, and hominy. Fate smiles on Brian, setting him down in the canned seafood aisle. He's happy until he thinks back to Ptom's complaint that he relies on seafood too much. Since Ptom's idea of what's good and what's important changes every forty-five seconds, I wouldn't put that much stock in it, but Brian decides to change up his usual method, and opts for Spam. I've never tried it. I'm curious about it, though. Everyone checks out.
Back at the Kitchen, the chefs spring into their preparations. Saram says she wants to make "free-form lasagna", stuffed with white beans and sweet peas. Guess we know what aisle she got. Howie has already given up on himself, saying he doesn't like the challenge, and doesn't feel he'll be able to come up with something he'll be happy with. Grousing about Howie and his standards has become second-nature, but I feel him on this one. Ten dollars in the powdered drinks aisle? Hung is having far more fun, saying he's just playing around on this challenge as he beats some blue Froot Loops into dust. He building a little "Smurf village", as Dale calls it. The blue Froot Loops have made a river through brown "land", and there are domes of white, made out of God knows what. I didn't know Hung was capable of making something so immature, and that's a compliment. Brian interviews that he wants some of whatever drug Hung is taking. Pass some this way, too. Hung interviews that he just wants to express himself, because he loves eating. In fact, he "grew up eating". Wow! He ate as he grew up? He should write a book! Whimsical music caps off Hung's Adventures In Food Societies.
CJ is making curried potato risotto, and says that he went to add some sugar to it, but threw in a big helping of salt instead. Deja vu! Are there scores of chefs across the country who are continually having this issue? Should we dye sugar from here on out? CJ doesn't have time to fix his food. Howie is also having issues. He says he tried to make a sauce out of canned Mandarin oranges, but it fell apart. With a little more than two minutes left, the chefs go into their usual hyperdrive mode. With twenty seconds left, Howie decides that what he's made is crap, and pours it out, deciding to present nothing, rather than bad food. Time runs out.
Padma and Michael go down the line, starting with Saram. She's stuffed some ravioli noodles with white beans and sweet peas, topped it with crisped shallots, and the entire thing rests on a light tomato sauce. Nice job. "It's not as bad as I thought it'd be," Padma says. Saram gives her a "thanks a ton, snatch" face. Brian's Spam preparation is very pretty. He's made a sort of corned beef hash out of it, then paired it with fried egg, onions, and a drizzled balsamic reduction. Michael tells him it's great. Dale has mixed Ramen noodles with hominy, black beans, queso fresco, hot salsa, and has topped the whole thing with an egg, as he is wont to do. Michael tells him it certainly has a kick. So much so that he and Padma have to choke down some water before moving on to CJ.
This past weekend, I took care of a friend's cat while she was out of town. The cat has been having some stomach issues, with the result that it left a puddle for me to clean up that was so gooey, I couldn't tell which end it had come out of. What is the point of this disgusting story? Only that the puddle and the slop on CJ's plate look almost identical. CJ's is a bit more yellow. He's made his curried potato risotto with a bitter orange marinade, leeks, and hot banana peppers. He laughingly tells Padma and Michael about his salt/sugar mixup, which is really his only option at this point. Michael reluctantly takes a bite, then hurriedly moves on to Casey. She's made her pudding with the aforementioned mango preserves, Nilla wafers, and ginger snaps, and has also incorporated lemon and whipped cream. It looks good, and it sounds good. Hung's little food village is greeted by a phenomenally rude "What the fuck is that?!?" from Michael. It certainly is...colorful. There's a bright yellow egg sun, rising above a village made from cereal, chocolate drink powder, leeks, and whipped cream. There's a little drink (possibly milk) on the side.
Everyone laughs it up. CJ describes it as Candyland-meets-diorama. The only one not in on the joke is Michael, who seems to have had his sense of humor surgically removed, I guess to make room for his 1992 hipster beard. Hung knows that Michael's close-mindedness has doomed him in this challenge, and for once, his automatic condescension towards a judge who doesn't instantly love him is understandable. He makes a sour face, and the rest of the chefs give him a rousing round of applause as Padma and Michael move on. Howie tells them that he tried to make a banana mousse with Mandarin orange sauce, but it turned out so poorly that he didn't want to serve it. Padma's pretty much "whatever" about it, but there are disdainful interviews from Dale and CJ about how you should never give up and so on and so forth. I don't know. If Howie's food was really that gross, I don't blame him for not wanting people to eat it. So naturally, Howie's in the bottom of the challenge, along with CJ's sloppy, salty mess. The winner is someone who "took chances" and "made something look fabulous". Nope, not Hung. Brian's Spam wins the day. He's happy about it, because he hasn't heard about the "prize" that awaits him.
Want to know what "advantage" Brian has earned for winning the Quickfire? Well, in this week's Elimination Challenge, the chefs will band together into one team to cater an "ultra-exclusive" party. A party so exclusive they let camera crews wander around to film people chewing. There's some blah about the oh-so-sophisticated host and guests, but it's all bullshit and kind of boring to boot. The party will have sixty guests, and the chefs will have a budget of $350. No, that's not a typo. $350 total. So if the sixty guests don't include the host and the four judges, that means that each diner will get about $5.38 worth of food. In other words, this is one of those horribly-designed challenges that is clearly setting the chefs up to fail. God, I hate challenges in which it is almost impossible to excel.
And the bullshit keeps on coming! Brian's "prize" for winning the Quickfire is that he "gets" to choose who the team leader is going to be. Gee, what a great prize. Why not just offer him a few free rounds of Russian roulette? If he chooses himself as the leader, he sets himself up to be on the chopping block later when the strict budget leads to inevitably lackluster food. If he chooses someone else, he'll be accused of "not stepping up" or "pushing off responsibility" or some other such twaddle and be taken to task for it when the strict budget leads to inevitably lackluster food. So Brian's "advantage" is to be in an unwinnable position within an unwinnable challenge. Nice. This is why, if I ever woke up and found myself on this show, I'd start intentionally throwing the Quickfires once immunity is no longer given. Brian has to make a choice, and he chooses to elect himself team leader. He knows he's in a precarious position. Padma dismisses everyone.
Back at Chef's Manor, everyone starts trying to come up with ideas, even though this episode lost any pretense of suspense when the challenge parameters were outlined. Have I mentioned I don't care for this challenge? Let me restate that, just in case I've been unclear. The chefs try to come up with a number of dishes to make, and Brian fuses a few of them into mini-teams, like Dale/Hung and Casey/Saram. Howie will be working on his own (duh), and will be working on two separate dishes to make up for the fact that he didn't present one in the Quickfire. Everyone comes up with their own ideas for their own dishes, and although Brian seems perfectly happy with such a democratic process, Hung sniffs in an interview that he would have assigned people to do specific dishes. Sure, there's no way that would ever blow up in anyone's face. The chefs settle on a final menu.
Commercials. Er, why are there ads for little girls' dolls during a show where people call each other "dickheads" and say "fuck" in every other sentence?
Morning. Casey and Dale Greek chorus us through the challenge details. Brian fusses over the budget, as well he might. He's a little concerned about Howie, who tends to overspend. It looks like they decide to manage it the easy way, and just split the money seven ways ($50 per chef) once they get to the market. They've got half an hour to shop. Saram tells us that they're trying to put some variation into their menu, so that there's some vegetarian stuff, some fish, some meat, etc. Casey and Saram apparently have that condition from Memento where they forget everything the second it's happened, because they decide to make a dessert. Casey admits that this is risky. Howie has already gone over-budget by the time he's collected half of his groceries. He and Brian work through the basket, deciding what stays and what goes (and what might be covered by other chefs). Here's as good a place as any to mention that Howie works through this entire team challenge really well. I think having everyone gang up on him after he made Saran cry opened some doors. That, and I suspect that all the chefs are banding together in a "Wow, this challenge sucks donkey balls" kind of attitude. That may just be me projecting, but whatever. I'm going with it. Dale mentions that in order to save some money, he has forfeited some goat cheese in favor of yogurt and cream cheese. The chefs check out with 25 cents to spare.
The chefs leave the store as Howie reiterates that he's going to be a good team player. The cars approach some docks, and Brian wonders if the challenge is going to be on a boat. Howie has had experience catering on a boat, and isn't a fan. They've guessed correctly. Oddly intense music greets the chefs as they pull up to the dock. Padma greets them, and lets them know that they'll be working on the gigantic boat sitting five feet away. Wow, thanks for the info. I was so confused. The chefs grab their food, and head into the very cramped kitchen. CJ can barely stand up in it. The seven of them cram themselves in, then get started on their two hours of prep time. Dale works on cheese puffs. His yogurt/cream cheese substitution isn't working out as well as he'd hoped. Brian prepares some ahi tuna. Saram works on a tomato bread pudding. Casey thinly slices some beef by hand, because there's no slicer on board. CJ works on scallop/shrimp sausage on toasted brioche, and a salad to be served with it. He tells us that seafood sausage tends to be technical, so he'll need almost the full prep time to get this one thing done. Hung says that he has chosen to do a classic, making a salmon mousse to put on cucumber slices, then topping them with caviar. Sounds good to me. Of course, that may be because I have what Hung calls an "average palate". Ooga booga! I'll just be over here waving my club around before I go home to my cave to enjoy primitive things like salmon. He's also working with Dale on a chicken salad to be served on toast. So the chefs are making a slew of very simple dishes, which is, of course, all they can do with such little money.
Ptom stops by to Ptimewaste. He checks in with Howie, who's making asparagus and prosciutto cigars in some phyllo, and also some mushroom tartlets. Ptom seems surprised at how much work Howie has yet to do. He then wanders over to Brian, and asks him why he "chose" to be team leader. Um, because you essentially forced him into it? Douchebag. Brian gives a pageant answer about "accepting the opportunity to lead". I guess I shouldn't call it a pageant answer, since it made a modicum of sense. After asking Saram why she's making a dessert in addition to the tomato bread pudding ("because you need something sweet"), he's mercifully done. He comes out to address us, and whines that the chefs shouldn't be making so many dishes, because they're spreading themselves too thin, given the meager budget. It's a fair point, but you just know that if the chefs had done that, we'd be hearing a whine about how they put all their eggs in one basket, and there wasn't enough to satisfy a range of palates or whatever. Brian makes sure everyone is caught up, and announces the order that the dishes will be served. Howie reminds us yet again that he's been told he's not a team player, so he's "going out of [his] way to be less..."
Everyone at the viewing party: "You."
"...pushy or aggressive." Oh. That, too. He gets a little defensive as he reminds us that he's won a few challenges. Yes, and you've sucked at just as many. His mushroom tartlets are not pretty. In fact, they look like goose poop. Hung describes it as "dog diarrhea". Heh. That's very evocative, but they're not nearly runny enough for that. Wow, I don't think I've ever referred to so much animal excrement in a single recap before. Howie asks Brian to taste one to make sure he's happy with it. Brian tells him it's good, which is CJ's cue to interview that Brian is giving them plenty of breathing space, but isn't being aggressive enough in telling people if things aren't good enough. Brian explains that he feels his role is more of a facilitator than a boss. He's giving people the opportunity to succeed or fail based on their own skills. Sounds good to me. Time winds down.
Commercials. Ben Stiller and Jennifer Love Hewitt are both featured in this commercial break, and if you had told me ten years ago that he was going to turn out to be the more annoying of the two, I wouldn't have believed you. Ah, how time makes fools of us all.
We're back. A pelican looks just as disgusted with this challenge as I am. The judges board the boat. Where the hell is Gail? Is she ever coming back? At least she's not replaced by Ted Allen this week, because man, do I ever need a break from him. Padma summons the chefs to the deck to introduce the judges. Dana Cowin is sitting in for Gail this week, and Michael is still present as guest judge. That dispensed with, the chefs are released back to the kitchen, and the guests begin to board. Are there hoochie dresses? And how! The guests drink and mingle as the chefs finish prepping the food. Brian sets up a table with the food, then announces to everyone that it's ready. He tells us in interview that this was a mistake, because it means that everyone descends upon the table at the same time, like a plague of locusts. Normally, I'd say that they'd have conserved food by passing it around on trays, but since there's no staff available to do that, I'm not sure how he could have handled this any differently.
Saram tells a guest about her tomato bread pudding, which is topped with a basil cream. It's very pretty, though I'm not sure I'd like the flavor. Padma loves it. A random woman eats one of Howie's goose turds. The entire supply of food is wiped out quickly, and while Brian goes down to refill some trays, Padma is upstairs petulantly asking if there's going to be more food. Are the judges actively trying to be as obnoxious as possible this week? Shut the fuck up, lady. I can't believe anyone even has to explain this, but when all of your guests eat at the same time, the food goes quickly. Got that, Padma? Great. Next week, we'll tackle the alphabet. Casey is not enjoying all this chaos. Brian's ahi poke with shallots and pickled jicama goes out. Padma takes a bite, and a look of pure disgust crosses her face. Rut roh! Michael sniffs that it tastes like wakame. All right, then.
Hung goes out with his (and Dale's) apple/chicken curry salad and his own salmon mousse on cucumber. Saram takes Dale's yogurt puffs, which look a little sad. The judges hate the yogurt, and I'll save my fuming about that for Judges' Table. CJ takes out his shrimp and scallop sausage on brioche with the pickled ginger and jicama/radish salad on top. The guests seem to like it. Casey serves her beef carpaccio with watercress, fried capers, and a shiitake broth. The host tells her it's his favorite dish so far. Next is Howie's asparagus/prosciutto/Parmesan cigars. Michael says that it's ugly and greasy. Two guests salivate over the rumor of the upcoming chocolate mousse. Unfortunately for them, it's not going well down in the kitchen. Casey interviews that with such a restrictive challenge, they chose to buy packaged mousse, discovered that it didn't make very much, and attempted to expand the volume by adding whipped cream. It doesn't work, and the whole thing becomes a soupy mess. Casey and Saram pass it around to the other chefs, and they all agree that it shouldn't be served. Into the trash it goes.
The guests sip champagne, and give polite golf claps to the chefs when they emerge from the kitchen. Brian calls this "a huge round of applause", and I hate to say it, but...no. Padma thanks the chefs, then offers them some champagne. She also reminds them that they have serious matter to discuss at Judges' Table. Like how much bullshit this challenge was? Sadly, no. The chefs toast each other. The sun sets picturesquely.
Commercials. Georgia Rule is now available on DVD. I guess The Final Nail In The Coffin That Is Lindsay Lohan's Career wouldn't fit on the box.
Judges' Table. We get a pre-emptive idea of what the chefs think when they gather in the Kitchen, and Howie opens with "I thought every dish was good. I don't give a fuck what they say." Preach it, crabby! I mean, I don't know that every dish was good, but anything anti-judge tonight is fine by me. Out in the dining room, Padma asks Michael how he thought everything was. He calls it "flat and uninspired".
Tim: "Kind of like your hair."
Dana complains that most of the dishes were served on bread or toast. So the food wasn't impressive enough, certain ingredient substitutions weren't welcome, and there was too much bread as a basis. Wow, you'd almost think that there was an overly severe budgetary restriction! I'd like to issue this challenge to the judges. Take six dollars, and make a series of appetizers that will blow my mind (a single order of green beans at Ptom's restaurant is, like, ten dollars). Get the feeling I'll be waiting a while? Yeah, me too. Assholes.
There is some good news. Everyone liked Casey's carpaccio and CJ's seafood sausage. As far as the worst offenders, Dale had the temerity to not be able to afford goat cheese, and his yogurt was runny. Howie's asparagus cigars aren't a hit either, and Ptom whines that he doesn't like it when people refer to food as cigars. Are they trying to reach a record for Greatest Number of Stupid, Pointless Criticisms in a Single Episode? Because I think they've almost got it. Howie's mushroom tartlets also sucked. Since, as I've said, this challenge is completely unwinnable, the judges naturally conclude that Brian has failed as a leader. Padma comes back to the Kitchen, and summons everyone to the table.
Odd Asian music. Gong. Padma asks Brian how he thinks the challenge went. He says they "covered all the bases", which is sort of code for "nothing outright sucked, which is the best you chuckleheads can ask for in this challenge". Ptom asks why the chocolate mousse wasn't served, and seems to accept the reasoning that it didn't meet the chefs' expectations. Brian is asked why some people took on two dishes instead of one. Brian says that he allowed people to do whatever they thought they could handle, and that while he may be team leader, he's not these people's boss; they're chefs, not line cooks. This is an entirely fair answer, but that makes the judges look dumb, so they pounce on him for "not making tough decisions", because he "clearly thought" it was a mistake to allow people to take on extra work. I'm sorry, when did he say that he thought the people who made two dishes couldn't handle that many? Oh, right. HE DIDN'T, YOU FUCKING COCKBITES. Ptom looks to shore up his argument by turning to Saram, who did one dish. She gloriously destroys the point he's warming up to make by pointing out that she did attempt to do two dishes; the second one was the one they didn't serve. Hah! Dana points out her problem with the bread, and Brian duhs that you have to take shortcuts when you have such time and money restrictions.
Michael (whose microphone has stopped working in protest of this ridiculous discussion) says that he had problems with the color and presentation. Ptom attempts to needle Hung about how old the idea of a salmon mousse on cucumber is, and he picked the wrong guy to smarm at. Hung smarms in his sleep. He goes off on a long tangent about how classic some of the appetizers were, and how they've been successfully served for hundreds of years. Ptom complains that the chefs didn't put out their best. YOU SET THEM UP TO FAIL, YOU FUCKETY FUCKBAG. Padma asks Howie how he thinks his two dishes went over. Howie thinks they were fine. Ptom talks about how bad the mushroom tartlets looked, and Michael presses that Howie was all about integrity in the Quickfire, but put out crap in the Elimination Challenge. I've got the screen frozen here, and you can actually pinpoint the exact second that Howie decides these people aren't worth the fucking headache. Dale. Yogurt. We've covered it. Honestly, my brain just reached the same point Howie's has, so let's just summarize by saying the judges are full of shit, and by this point in the episode, I'm not prepared to accept their opinion on anything.
Anyhoo, Howie sees which way the wind is blowing, knows that there's absolutely no way to please these twats, and does the one thing that can completely take the wind out of their sails: he makes the decision for them. He asks to address the panel, and tells the judges that rather than risk sending Brian (who showed a "hell of a lot of leadership") home, he's going to withdraw himself from the competition. And...BAM! The judges are rendered totally powerless. Oh, Padma tries to make it seem like the judges are still in charge of the decision, but there's no way they could force someone to stay in the competition against their will, and they know it. I swear, Howie just earned back about 80% of the points he's lost with me over the course of this season. Ptom tries to sound disgusted as he dismisses the chefs, and a feeling of lovely, warm smugness washes over me as I see how utterly...neutered he is in this situation. Aaaaaah. Back in the Kitchen, Howie simply says that he'll be in charge of his own destiny, so "fuck them". Make that 85% of the points he's lost. In the dining room, the judges desperately try to convince themselves that they're making an actual decision, and that their deliberations aren't completely pointless. You and I know better, so let's just skip the rest.
Commercials. I know I like to rag on a lot of products, but those Glad steaming bags are great.
Elimination. Actually, there is an actual winner this week, and it's Casey. She even wins a real prize! It's a computer, and I'm informed it's a pretty snazzy one. Good for her. I have a weird soft spot for Casey. She, Saram, and CJ are all safe, and are allowed to leave the dining room. Now, the actual elimination. Duh, it's Howie. Please pack your knives and go. Can you tell I'm anxious to wrap this shit up? In his final interview, he says that he's not very proud of the way he's acted in the competition; that it put him in the mindset of being surrounded by enemies, when in fact, cooking is a "team sport". 90% of the points. He says that he has no regrets about his decision. He knows he's a good chef, and all anyone has to do to know that is to come taste his food. It's rich in sweaty goodness.
Overall Grade: D+
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