The Girls Who Go Down Under

America's Next Top Model - Season 8, Episode 8

Previously on America's Next Top Model: Dionne and Renee got to hang out with their families for a while, which put Renee in such a good mood that she was completely unobjectionable for an entire episode. Previous contestants awesomely showed up for the photo shoot, although the next time you drag someone back from the first season, please make it Elyse. Natasha wowed the judges for some unidentifiable reason. Jael and Whitney slipped to the bottom two, and Whitney's inability to take a stellar photograph (probably due to the fact that she had to hang out with Fucking Shannon all afternoon) sealed her fate. Six girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening credits. There's something truly hilarious about the way Tyra always says "...and she was SENT. HOME." in the previously-on segment. It's as if the eliminated girls have been sent to the electric chair. Which they may have been. Anyone seen Cassandra lately?

Evening at the model pad. Jael -- does she have a piece of paper sticking out of her bra strap? -- talks to Jaslene about how awesome it is to have made it this far. Jaslene is less enthusiastic, saying that the judges told her she's been doing worse and worse lately. Sepia-toned flashback for the forgetful and/or deaf. Jaslene interviews that she needs to step up her game. Doing poorly in the competition lately has given Jaslene a much-needed splash of humility. It suits her. A picture of Nicole-the-undeserving-winner hangs on the wall. Brittany interviews that it's exciting to be in the final six, but she needs to work on standing out from the crowd. I'd say Brittany, who has gotten literally nothing but positive feedback from the judges, shouldn't change a damn thing. Natasha talks to Jael about Russia, and interviews that she wants to do more with her life than be a mail-order bride. I'm paraphrasing, of course, but that's the gist. Jael interviews something typically unintelligible. As the tape I record this on gets older and older, I understand Jael less and less. It was something about how she's proud to still be in the competition, and how she likes to stand out in a crowd.

Tyra Mail! Jael gives it a properly melodramatic reading. It mentions that talking to people every day isn't as easy as it looks. Because those of us who don't have talk shows never have to speak to anyone else as part of our jobs. You don't know how difficult it is to describe DNA sequence through interpretive dance. Jael goofs around with Natasha for a bit, and then it's off to bed. Morning. Dionne puts her contacts in. Natasha attacks herself with mascara. Jael lets some woman into the model pad. She looks familiar. Oh, it's April from Cycle 2. I didn't recognize her, because as part of her new gig as a correspondent for some show, she's had her personality surgically removed. It's intensely creepy how robotic and plastic people become when they get into that field. Look at Ryan Seacrest. He's practically a Ken doll by this point. Anyhow, April is there to work with them on their interviewing skills, because models have to be a "jack of all trades" these days. Jaslene interviews that she sometimes has a lot of issues with speaking, thanks to her Spanish accent, but she wants to learn to "talk good". I'll bet you can guess the first thing I'd teach her.

April tells them about common problems with interview subjects, such as them talking too much or not talking enough. She brings in an assistant named Gary, who will help act out these scenarios, because the entire audience is really wrestling over what "talks too much" could possibly mean. Jael interviews that she's really good about talking to people, because she's "fearless" and has a lot to say. What that has to do with being a good interviewer is never mentioned, but I appreciate anything that injects even a little bit of interest into the always-tiresome interview segment of this show. April and Gary have fake interviews. It's boring. The girls are then paired off to practice interviews on each other. Jaslene flails with Brittany. Natasha and Renee do well, considering that they clearly hate each other, and any item placed between them would instantly burst into flame. Dionne and Jael. Dionne asks a few questions, then interviews that Jael will blab about anything. Glass houses! Jael fires questions at Dionne. Natasha thinks that it's a pretty intense interview, to the point that Dionne and Jael are about to break into a raging catfight, but no such luck. It looks like Jael is just playing at being intense to me, which Gary also picks up on. April dismisses the girls, saying that she'll tell them about their next challenge tomorrow.

Evening. The intro to the second scene of a straight porno gets going, as Natasha, Renee, Brittany, and a topless Jael fling water and plastic balls at each other in the pool. Renee says that she's had a lot of differences with Jael, but now they're getting along better. Who is this person? Where did that bitchy Renee go? Don't tell me that tearful apology was actually genuine. Huh. "But I don't know if she has what it takes to be a model." Oooh, there's a glimmer of Bitchy Renee! Except, she's pretty much right, so I can't slam her on it. Damn. The space-time continuum rips, as the sun re-sets.

Morning. The girls gather in the Accusing Parlor to meet with April. She tells them they're going to hit the streets with their newfound interviewing skills. A person in a large kangaroo costume bounds in, which freaks Jaslene out. Hehe. The kangaroo pulls off its head to reveal...Tyra, who yells that the girls are headed to Sydney, Australia. A real kangaroo bounds in. Jaslene freaks out again, though this time she blends into the group of girls indulging in their usual shrieks upon learning of the season's trip abroad. She recovers, interviewing that she's excited to go someplace besides "the hood" and "around the corner". Renee sucks up to Tyra. The girls pet the kangaroo as Tyra reiterates that they'll be doing their interview challenge in Australia, and Natasha, who failed to understand this three seconds ago, emits the most obnoxious high-pitched scream in the history of this show. That's not an exaggeration. Out of countless "EEEEEEEE!", "AAAAAAAAAH!", and "WOOOOOOOOOO!" we've been subjected to over the years, this is the one that would drive the Pope to suicide. The scream continues for several seconds, and I look around for something sharp to puncture my eardrums with. Tyra says that the winner of the challenge will be a correspondent on the Tyra show "more than once", and Natasha lets out another blood-curdling shriek. I start filling out my holiday wishlist. 1) A blunt instrument. 2) Five minutes alone in a dark alley with Natasha. 3) A lenient jury. The girls are excited. The kangaroo is cute.

Commercials. Shut up, Aunt May.

Evening. The girls pack for their trip. Jael discovers a tampon on the floor and flings it at Brittany. Eeeeeeew. She interviews that she's never been abroad before, and is pumped that the six of them get to go together, like it's a group of friends who just won a free trip. Well, that's certainly a cheerier attitude than some other traveling companions have had. Jaslene is happy to have the "privilege" to go to another country. Jaslene needs to lay off the lip gloss. The girls head for the airport, and it wouldn't be Top Model without a cheesy airplane cartoon with the girls' heads pictured in the windows.

Sydney. Everything is beautiful, of course. Shot of the Opera House (#1). A crowded beach. Opera House (#2). The plane lands. Natasha interviews how excited she is to be there, which I'm only bringing up because guess what's serving as the backdrop for this interview? Yep (#3). Jael is wearing a translucent mint green tutu. Yikes. Outside the airport, the girls are met by Erika Heynatz, who was the original host of Australia's Next Top Model. She knows that they must be tired, but too bad, suckas! They have to go right into their challenge. Erika tosses some Australian slang at them, which of course leaves them befuddled, and is the perfect opportunity for the editors to toss in the chirping cricket sound. Jaslene is concentrating so hard, her head may explode. She interviews that she had a big question mark on her forehead, demonstrating by holding her thumb and a crooked index finger up to her face. Straighten out that index finger and I'll agree with her. The girls will spread out and interview locals about American fashion faux-pas (tragically, no shots of Tyra's line of Gypsy-wear this season), and will need to incorporate as much Aussie slang as possible into their questions. Erika hands out lists of Australian slang words.

Brittany is worried about the challenge, because she has issues with her short-term memory. Ooh, that makes me want to go watch Memento right now. Terrific movie. Anyway, when Brittany was in high school, she got hit by a car and had to get staples put into her head, which has damaged her memory. So Brittany has no memory, Renee's family is broke, Dionne's mother is in a wheelchair after being shot, and Jael's friend died of an overdose. Welcome to America's Next Top Model: The Shakespearean Tragedy. The girls study their word lists. Dionne's exhausted, and not looking forward to the challenge. The girls head for the beach. Renee gets off to a good start, racking up four well-placed slang words in a couple of questions. Dionne wants to "ax" a woman some questions, and her slang-o-meter remains stubbornly set at zero. Her "that's cool"-o-meter, however, starts getting a nice workout. Jael gets one slang point in her interview with some guy with disgusting dreadlocks. Note to white people: Knock it off with that. Brittany finds an American woman, which somewhat defeats the purpose of the interview (Opera House -- #4), but whatever. Brittany asks for an example of a major American fashion faux-pas, and the lady tells her it'd be women with skimpy tops with their bra straps showing. Three guesses what Brittany's wearing. Hahahaha! You rock, mean American lady!

Jaslene slangs her way into getting some guy to show her the band of his boxer shorts. Natasha racks up several slang terms, though her questions are nowhere as near as natural as Renee's were. Jael is confident, though she's a lot happier about being Jael than conducting a good interview. Dionne wants to "ax" some more questions. Her slang-o-meter never gets off the ground, but her "that's cool"-o-meter skyrockets to eight. The girls meet Erika (Opera House -- #5), who tells them that they won't find out who won the challenge until the next judging panel. She hands over the gigantic key to the apartment where the girls will be staying while in Sydney. The girls head over there, and the accommodations are very spacious and pretty, excepting the multiple pictures of CariDee all over the place. Natasha interviews that only one girl can win the season, so now is the time to get serious. Jael is worried that she's the only one of the finalists to have been in the bottom two. Not even. She is, however, the only finalist to have been in the final two twice. Renee tells her that only Brittany and Renee herself have avoided being in the bottom three, which is our segue into Brittany interviewing that she has what it takes to win the competition (Opera House -- #6).

Commercials. Enjoy Life Savers Fruit Tarts to the point where you transform other people into candy, kill them, and eat them. I'll bet this is the first step on the road to building your house out of gingerbread and luring a couple of kids to their doom.

We're back! Opera House -- #7. The girls wait around until some Tyra Mail wills itself into existence. It says something about "put up your dukes", which the girls interpret as having to do with boxing kangaroos. Man, that would have been way cooler than what we're really in store for. The Monster Humvee's Aussie cousin drops the girls at a park. OJ meets them there, and asks if they've been paying attention to the locals' accents. They shrug it off. OJ tells them that they'll be doing a commercial today instead of a photo shoot, and they'll have to affect a thick Australian accent. Heh, this is one of those tasks that they pretend has the slightest tangential connection to modeling, but really doesn't (like walking on tilting platforms suspended above a pool). Still, it has the potential for hilarious incompetence, so I'm all for it. Natasha interviews (Opera House -- #8) that this will be tough for her, thanks to her Russian accent and tenuous grasp of English. OJ explains the premise of the commercial for way too long, considering how dumb it is. A wandering photographer is distracted by the girls' beauty and takes pictures of them. There, you're caught up. What the hell does this have to do with "put up your dukes"? Nothing? OK, just asking. Off to hair and makeup.

While the girls are getting ready, they study their script. It's not exactly King Lear. Natasha talks with an Australian hair stylist to try and pin down some Aussie inflection. Sutan also tries to help her, but as with all of his other "talents" on this show, his Australian accent sucks. Brittany has already forgotten that she already told us she has short-term memory problems, so we get to hear about it again. Renee is up first for the commercial, and who the hell did her hair? She's about three eyelashes away from being Steve Irwin, a comparison that becomes even more apt when she begins speaking. I'm surprised she doesn't throw in a "Criiiiiiiiiiikey!" She has some trouble with the lines, so OJ brings in some cue cards. They help tremendously, and Renee gets through the script. Her Australian accent is fair to middling (She gets a 6 on the Dundee-o-meter). They film some additional reaction shots. Zzzz. Up next is Dionne. Her performance is pretty awful, as is her accent (a 2 on the Dundee-o-meter). That said, she looks really beautiful. A nearby sheep is, like, "Baa. You suck." Jael gets ready for her shoot by hanging out with a chicken. That's not a euphemism. She loves being out in nature. Whoever picked her Little Skank on the Prairie outfit needs to be punched. OJ advises her to take a very conversational tone with the camera. Her performance and accent are just as horrible as Dionne's (another 2 on the Dundee-o-meter), but with the added problem of acting far too over-the-top. OJ says she had good energy, but that he couldn't get a good read out of her. Then her reactions shots suck, too. Rut roh. She cries a little bit, and says "I just want to, like, touch the grass and the animals and, like, breathe the air and climb the trees." OK, then. She complains to Dionne about how she'd rather be in black leather, whooping a boy's ass. I'm sure that photo shoot is not too far in the future.

Jaslene gets ready. OJ tells a random crew member that she looks like Janice Dickinson. Eh, maybe a little. She does look good. Her khaki outfit is far more flattering than Jael's nasty top. Looking good doesn't save her commercial, though. She spends the entire time furrowing her brow in concentration (and her accent barely reaches a 3 on the Dundee-o-meter). OJ is impressed that she remembered the entire script without cue cards. Yeah, all seven lines. Jaslene grins about herself in an interview, in which her accent is ironically about four times better than any of her reads in the commercial. Brittany tells the male model, who we've seen for about a grand total of five seconds (boo!) that she hopes she has her lines down, because her memory sucks (Brittany's Memory Issue -- #3. Can she catch up to the Opera House count?!?! Let's find out!) She looks pretty. OJ fills her in on how the commercial is going to work, and she spills the car accident story again (Brittany's Memory Issue -- #4). OJ tells her that she's got to come up with a way to work through her shortcomings. Seriously. I'm sorry she got mowed down and everything, but there are cue cards provided here. Brittany's Memory Issue should have little to no effect on her performance, since the words will be written right there in front of her face. She gets started, and immediately sucks rocks. Her accent's not horrendous (maybe a 5 on the Dundee-o-meter), but she can't go more than one line without stumbling. OJ warns her about getting into a headspace where she's totally defeated, but it's too late. She cries, and says it's frustrating that the accident is still affecting her five years later (Brittany's Memory Issue -- #5), and that it's hard to act all cheerful for the commercial when she's so aggravated.

Natasha looks better than she usually does. Kudos, hair and makeup team. She gets started, and her first couple of reads are very stiff. Still, she does a good job of overcoming the Russian accent (she gets a 3 on the Dundee-o-meter, which is pretty good considering the source). She explains in an interview that English is her second language. Really? She thinks it was harder for her to memorize the lines than the other girls. She'll be sorry if she ever voices that opinion to Brittany. By the end of her reads, Natasha has loosened up, and it pains me to say that she was one of the best today. OJ heaps on the praise. She's thrilled. In the van ride on the way back, the girls hash out how difficult the challenge was. Natasha says she wishes that nobody would get eliminated. That'd make for a long season. Jael interviews that she doesn't want to go home, because she's "not finished spreading the joy to the universe." Hehe. Shit like that is why I don't want Jael to win, but I damn sure want her to stick around for a while. Brittany cries some more. Renee says that they're never really sure what the judges are going to say, totally nailing the panel for being so arbitrary all the time. Brittany cries that she knows she did her best, but is just now realizing that being run over and losing a chunk of your brain kinda sucks. Wow, that's some delayed reaction. Brittany's Memory Issue -- #6.

Commercials. Are they asking us to believe that Fergie shops at Kohl's? Hahaha!

Opera House -- #9. This is going to be a close race! We enter the Australian Chamber of Doom on a picture of Tyra in what would be an Outback type of outfit, if it weren't for those short, poofy sleeves. Take those ridiculous things off, and it'd be a good shot. Tyra herself looks blessedly more normal at panel than she has in previous weeks. Maybe Customs confiscated all her Gypsy clothing. The Chamber of Doom is decked out with all sorts of decorations. I'm not sure how integral a fake tree is to judging, but it's pretty, so I'm not complaining. Prizes. Judges. Tyra's Australian accent sucks just as hard as the girls' (perhaps a 4 on the Dundee-o-meter). Tonight's guest judge is Erika Heynatz, whose last name I'm just now noticing sounds like "heinous" when said aloud. Ouch. Tyra brags about Top Model being so popular internationally. And with good reason. Catty bitches who cry, fight, and take wacky-ass pictures is our shared cultural heritage as humans.

Let's get to the evaluations. First, we have to see the final commercial. Speaking of heinous. It's naturally quite awful throughout, to the point where I can't even pick it apart to hit on low points. They're all low points. Natasha is up first for individual evaluation. We see her best take, and Tyra tells her she can't believe a girl with such a heavy Russian accent delivered such a great Aussie commercial. Let's not go nuts. She was one of the best when compared to the other five girls, but I don't think she'll be snatching roles from Nicole Kidman anytime soon. All the judges like Natasha, and Tyra tells her to watch that smooshed-up face she gets when she's trying to act sexy. Dionne. The commercial take is far from good, but doesn't send me into seizures or anything. Her accent is more Carribean than Australian. Tyra says something that makes little sense, but essentially boils down to "When you're trying to reach a young target audience, act like a complete ditz." Jaslene. The judges make faces at her commercial take. Nigel is wearing an ugly, blue shirt that even he cannot pull off. Take it off, Nigel! Tyra tells Jaslene she was overthinking. I'll bet that's the first time someone's said that to Jaslene. Tyra feels if she would have relaxed more, she would have had a stellar commercial. Jaslene just stands there and nods.

Renee. Tyra asks if she's nervous. Renee says no, she just went for the Crocodile Hunter style. Oh, I had no idea she was doing that intentionally. Um. OK, then. Her commercial is extremely goofy, but funny. Tyra tells her that she certainly channeled Steve Irwin, including the fact that he was...a man. Hahaha! The judges are a bit overcritical when they tell Renee that in her commercial, she was too much actress and not enough model. Jael. Her commercial take sucks, and Tyra stares at the screen with a death glare. Nigel clearly can't wait to get out of there and get a drink. The judges tell Jael that her performance almost seems like she's making fun of how she thinks a CoverGirl would act. I don't see the need to ascribe malicious intent to what is just a crappy read. Can't she just suck without having some ulterior motive? Brittany. Her commercial take is bad, and Tyra tells her that she looked near tears. Brittany nods. Tyra asks why, and that's all we need for Brittany to gush forth yet again with her tale of woe. Brittany's Memory Issue -- #7. Miss J and Tyra pretty much tell her that in the real world, nobody's going to care, so she'd better shape up. Erika softens the blow by saying that there were some lovely moments with Brittany's accent, and Twiggy thinks her reaction shots were beautiful. The girls are dismissed.

Commercials. Christie Brinkley hocks makeup, and a subtitle reads "Christie Brinkley -- age 52". LabRat, ten seconds later: "What is she, like, fifty-two?" LabRat's Memory Issue -- #1.

Opera House -- #10. Deliberations. Dionne's performance was unimpressive. Tyra says that she may need some practice, but once Dionne's got something down, she'll be fantastic. Renee had consistently good energy. Jael would never get through the door of a fashion magazine. Erika likes her attitude, though, saying she's excited and engaging. Nigel hates her guts. Brittany needs to learn to conquer her nerves. Her memory problem may be understandable, but her inability to recover from a setback is a problem. Natasha somehow pulled a real CoverGirl commercial out of her ass. Jaslene is compared to a drag queen yet again. Tyra thinks she'll be able to learn to pull back her over-the-topness. Jeez, make up your mind, judges. Do you want her to be all wacky cha-cha-diva, or do you want her to be more reserved? Can't have it both ways. The judges reach a decision.

Elimination. Tyra holds screencaps of the commercial for the girls who will advance. The first name called is Natasha. Not only did she "win" the commercial, but she won the earlier slang challenge, which means she gets to be a correspondent on Tyra's talk show for a while. Whoop-a-dee-doo. Natasha's happy, though I'm gratified to see that she doesn't squeal like a stuck pig this time. Renee is safe. Jaslene. Dionne. Will Brittany and Jael please step forward? They clutch hands. Brittany takes good pictures, but needs to be able to deliver a good commercial in order to fulfill her contractual obligations or something. Tyra says the judges want to be compassionate about the problem with Brittany's memory.

LabRat: "I want Brittany to say 'What problem?'".

Tyra goes on to say that they can't give Brittany preferential treatment. A picturesque tear streams down Brittany's face. Jael has delivered beautiful pictures, but the way she presents herself on film is "ghastly". They don't like how Jael's fiery personality fell so flat in her commercial. Unsurprisingly, it's Brittany who receives her photo. She and Jael hug. Her vest has oversized buttons or some such tacky crap stuck all over the front of it. Bleh. Jael hugs and thanks Tyra, saying the experience has changed her life tremendously. She loves all the other girls and heads over for a group hug before leaving. Back at the apartment, she prepares for her final exit by putting on a blue wig and red tutu. She says it's been a learning experience, and she's very thankful to have had it. As we see her portfolio (which isn't half bad), she says she'll miss all of the thirteen girls, and that she's forged bonds with each of them. Aw, I'll miss her crazy ass too. Back to the Future fadeout.

Next week on America's Next Top Model: I have no idea, because I am again cruelly robbed of a preview. Bastards. Perhaps they'll tell us if Sydney has any famous architecture, because I feel like we didn't see any in this episode.

Overall Grade: B-

The Girl Who Impresses Pedro

America's Next Top Model - Season 8, Episode 7

Previously on America's Next Top Model: Jael pissed off 50 Cent and Benny Medina, but since those guys are kind of assholes, nobody cared that much. Renee's head scarf couldn't protect her from the criticism of the entire household, and she tearfully apologized for being such a bitch. There was no undeserved challenge win to save Sarah this time, and she got booted back home. Seven girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening credits. I'm liking this final seven. Now that the dull girls are gone, we just need to get rid of Natasha, and we'll be free of the fugs, too.

On the way back to the model pad, Whitney tells the others that she was surprised to be in the bottom two. Sepia-toned flashback. She promises to go into the challenges this week "full-throttle", and I feel like we're on a Mobius strip with this girl. Back at the pad, Renee listens to a message from her husband and kid. She's depressed for being so hated, and is moderately cheered by the support of her family. She promises to be a more sensitive person. There's another Mobius strip! We've fallen into the Escher season of America's Next Top Model. Jaslene interviews that Renee's attitude has really changed since Tyra subjected her to the Accusing Circle. Sepia-toned flashback. They play Dionne's complaint out of sequence to make it sound like she was yelling at Renee after the apology, which makes her sound snide. Not fair. That's all just setup for the fact that Dionne still doesn't trust Renee's change of heart. Jael discovers an apology note from Renee on her bed, and interviews that Renee can really turn on or off the "sensitive" side, but that doesn't mean the apology wasn't genuine. The note joins the Felicia Mail on the wall. I'm not sure I'd want my apology note displayed for all to see.

Brittany wanders around hating life, thanks to her crappy-ass hair-don't. She's in luck, because Christian Marc (a presumably more gifted stylist than Neeko, the dink who put that nasty thing in her head to begin with) is there to finally free her from the Weave That Destroyed Tokyo. Brittany shows him the damage it's done to her head, and Whitney is still unsympathetic, interviewing that she's had a weave for a long time, and they're just not that bad. The fact that Whitney's weave is good, while Brittany's left bloody scabs on her head is never mentioned. Well, maybe Brittany's boyfriend can get shot in the face; then she'll be allowed to cry. The Weave That Destroyed Tokyo is finally subdued, ripped out, and thrown away. Thank God.

Morning. Tyra Mail! It tells the girls not to be themselves, and Jaslene figures out that there will be an acting challenge today. Oof, I hate those, mostly because the last acting challenge signaled the beginning of CariDee's undeserved coast to victory. Whitney is excited, figuring she'll excel in a challenge like this. Jaslene looks unhappy. Brittany's still floating on a cloud of hair happiness. Natasha misses her baby. She talks to her on the phone, and they flash a picture of her daughter, who has the biggest, bluest eyes ever. Natasha cries, and while I wish my response to this scene were "Awwwww", my honest reaction was "Natasha is not in the least bit pretty". She and Dionne commiserate. Dionne interviews that it's difficult being away, and also talks on the phone with her daughter (another insanely cute picture is flashed on-screen). Her daughter's name is Ta'kya. Oof. How's she going to fill out that apostrophe on her SAT exam?

Later, the Monster Humvee drops the girls at a theater, where they're met by Tia Mowry. Tia's there to plug her show that plays on the CW. I've seen about fifteen seconds of that show, and that was plenty. She tells the girls that it's important for them to know how to embody different characters. And what better way is there to learn about acting than by wearing silly hats? Tia tells the girls to select a hat from the rack. Model stampede. After the dust settles, Tia tells them to act and talk like the character their hats suggest. Natasha is a witch. Fitting. Her witch voice is really whiny, and she pretty much sucks. Dionne has a Southern lady hat, and fans herself. Whitney has a leopard-print pimp hat, and acts like a big streetwalker, which Tia enjoys. Brittany has a jester's hat, and spazzes out, doing a somersault. Jael has a crown, and is helped in her arrogant performance by that odd Sergeant Pepper jacket she's wearing. Renee has a peasant bonnet on, and plays the downtrodden serf to the hilt, helped along by sad violins on the soundtrack. Jaslene has a Vegas showgirl feather hat on, and looks even draggier than usual. She curses, which delights Tia no end. So Tia likes swearing and whores. Good to know. She gives the girls a script, which they have two hours to memorize.

The girls split up and work on their lines. Their script includes lines in three different character veins. First is a "melodramatic Brittany type" (tm Jael). Heh. The second is a prissy diva. The third is a perky girl you want to smack with a mutton chop. During the memorization scene, all the girls are wearing winter caps and scarves for absolutely no reason. Just so you know. The girls enter the main auditorium of the theater, and who should walk out to greet them but Efren Ramirez, who played Pedro in Napoleon Dynamite. Whitney recognizes him instantly. He tells the girls that it's important to be able to have a wide range as an actor, which is pretty rich coming from the guy who's known for precisely one role, and whose other roles include: Hector, Paco, El Cucharan, Jorge, Carlos, Pico, and Fernando. Range! Efren will be picking the winner of the acting challenge, but doesn't tell the girls what the prize will be. Fishy. Let's get started.

The challenge is intercut with the models' performances. Brittany does really well with the "melodramatic model". No surprise there. Dionne affects a weird, Jamaican accent, and interviews that she had no idea where it came from. Hehehe. Renee almost bursts into tears as the melodramatic character. Efren interviews that she started with a bang, and was "fully committed". I'll bet. Oh, he means to the challenge. Well, that too. She does a good job with the "diva" character, which makes sense. She sweeps makeup off a counter onto the ground. Natasha fucking sucks. Why is she still here? Jaslene forgets her lines. Ah, that explains the unhappy look upon learning of the acting challenge at the model pad. She's embarrassed. Onto the "perky" model. Efren loves Whitney's performance. Jael has confused "perky" with "meth addict". And...we're done.

The girls gather to hear the winner. Efren says it was tough to pick a winner, which I doubt. Whitney thinks it's important to win the challenge. Too bad, sucka! Renee wins, and I have to say, she deserved to. She gets to pick a friend to share in the reward. Since she doesn't have any friends, she picks Dionne in the hopes that Dionne will hate her a little less. Dionne's jaw drops, and there's naturally a scratching record sound on the soundtrack. Heh. Another sepia-toned flashback to Dionne confronting Renee in the Accusing Circle, which is the third time we've seen it this episode. WE'VE GOT IT NOW, THANKS. Dionne joins Renee on stage, and gives her a hug. Jael tells Dionne that she's easily bought. Hahaha. I like this episode. The "prize" for winning the challenge is... T-shirts. With "I Voted For Dionne" and "I Voted For Renee" printed on them. The girls all think it's a woefully crappy prize. Dionne and Renee have pained smiles, which are hilarious, and Dionne interviews that she doesn't know "what the hell [she's] going to do with a T-shirt". I'm glad to see this cycle's girls have some taste.

The next day. Renee is happy to have won a challenge, not really caring that her prize is so lame. Whitney thinks Renee has come a long way with the attitude adjustment, and Jael tells Renee that her smile is contagious. Aw. People knock at the door, and Brittany and Jaslene go to answer it. Dionne emits a scream of joy upon seeing who it is, but we won't know who's at the door until after this commercial break. Of course, if you've ever been bright enough to solve an Encyclopedia Brown mystery, you should already know who's at the door, but who am I to ruin the carefully crafted suspense?

Commercials. I'm not so sure a harp-playing baby is an "upgrade" from my usual alarm clock. I don't have to feed or change my alarm clock.

Solved it yet, Nancy Drew? The crappy T-shirts were just a ruse, and the real prize for the acting challenge is that Renee and Dionne's families get to stop by for a visit. Renee's husband and son are super-cute. Dionne is happy to see her mother, sister, and daughter. Until she sees the mess her sister's made of her baby's hair. Hahaha! Dionne's mom threatens to have a "talk with Tyra" about including older women and women with wheelchairs. Sweet, I'd love to see that throwdown. Dionne's mother is in a wheelchair because a jealous old lover shot her. Yowsa. Brittany takes an adorable photo of the two families together. Renee supports her son as he "walks" down the model pad's runway, kidding that Miss J would have his head on a platter. Don't give him any ideas. Renee is extremely grateful for this prize. Yeah, it's a good one. Dionne fixes Ta'kya's hair, and talks about how inspiring her visit is. Upon seeing the happy mothers with their happy children, Natasha begins to break down. She gets very emotional and calls her husband in tears. Her husband tells her he's sorry. He's got to be getting pretty sick of the tearful phone calls about every little thing. Dionne is sorry to say good-bye to her daughter, but interviews that she's here to compete, and just has to get over it. Dionne's "Yes, I love my family, but now is not the time to worry about it" attitude is so freaking refreshing. Renee, working yet another head scarf, kisses her husband and son good-bye. She's understandably happy, though I could do without "it was the happiest day of my life." Let's not go nuts. Omnipresent full moon.

Morning. Tyra Mail! "Arrrrr yooo ready to be spooooked bah the ghosts of thuh paaaaaaayest?" Yeesh. Please don't let Jaslene read the Tyra Mail anymore. Nobody knows what it means. Natasha is still crying and upset over not being able to see her daughter. I can understand the initial disappointment, but now it's time to get the hell over it. You know how Natasha could have prevented this emotional turmoil? By not agreeing to be sequestered from her family for several weeks. Reality show contestants are such a weird-ass bunch. I can't count the number of them who act like they were blindfolded, thrown into a van, and forced to appear on television at gunpoint. She predicts the entire day is going to suck, because she can't stop thinking about her baby.

The Monster Humvee drops the girls off at the photo shoot. OJ still hasn't been fired, to my chagrin. He immediately notes that Natasha is in a foul mood. He brings up the "acting" theme of the episode, and says that in today's photo shoot, the girls will be portraying infamous scenes from previous seasons of Top Model. That fucking rocks. Blah blah product placement. OJ introduces Matthew, today's photographer. Off to hair and makeup with you bitches! Brittany freaks out when approached with a red wig. Yeah, no kidding. First up for the shoot is Jaslene. OJ plays her a video of the scene she'll be portraying. Oh, snap. It's the scene in Cycle 5 when Bre thought Nicole stole her granola bars, signaling Bre's metamorphosis from no-nonsense, awesome model to self-important dickweed (and thus ended my interest in that season from there on out). Jaslene asks OJ some questions about motivation and such, and OJ brings out someone who may be able to help -- Bre herself, who looks much better than the last time we saw her. She hugs Jaslene, and they get to the scene, with Bre attempting to steal a granola bar out of a huge purse by Jaslene's side. Jaslene tries looking all gruff and intimidating, which OJ interprets as her going way too over-the-top.

Sutan talks with Dionne about her daughter, which is our cue to check in on Natasha. She's still upset. Thanks for the update. Now she's convinced herself that not seeing her daughter is some kind of punishment devised specifically for her, because she is the center of the universe. I'm totally unsympathetic by this point. If you want the reward, try not sucking in the challenges. She interviews that she won't be able to mask the emotion for her photo shoot, and cries us into the next break.

Commercials. I'm not sure emphasizing the fact that once you have a baby, you'll get no sleep is really the way to go about increasing the number of people who need your product, Huggies.

OJ goes to talk with Natasha, and duhs that some girls are going to get prizes and rewards that others don't get. She understands, but is still heartbroken. My eyes roll back into my head and I do a quick retina check. All healthy. OJ also tells Natasha (gently -- he's not an asshole, for once) that being away from one's family is part of the territory of being a model. Seriously. He brings up Tyra as an example, and huh? Who is Tyra away from when she travels? Her non-existent husband/lesbian lover? Her non-existent child? Don't even try to make me feel sorry for Tyra having to travel away from her mother. OJ gives Natasha a hug, then gives her the scene she'll be portraying. Aw, it's Michelle, who got a "flesh-eating bacteria" (which was actually impetigo, if I remember correctly) in Cycle 4. They show shots of her crusty, scabby face. Poor Michelle. She comes in to assist with Natasha's scene, and she looks great now. Dark hair suits her. She plays a grossed-out girl to Natasha's "Michelle". OJ loves Natasha's poses. They hug. Crap.

Whitney says she can't worry about her poor pictures in weeks past. She's wrapped in a towel, and OJ plays her scene for her. It includes shots of OJ back when he looked relatively human, and Whitney laughs at him. Sweet. Her scene is that time that Fucking Shannon, (the slack-jawed Jesus freak) refused to pose semi-nude for a photo shoot. Fucking Shannon herself enters to help with the scene. Go back to obscurity where you belong. Her "assistance" is basically composed of putting her hands on Whitney's towel, and she's still unable to pose without her jaw hanging open. Good job, Fucking Shannon. I can see why you got second place. Whitney's performance is disappointing, though I don't know how much she could have done with "I'm not taking this towel off". Jael interviews that you can only go on Top Model once (which is funny in light of who's popping up in this episode), and that every day she's still in the competition is the best day ever. OJ plays her scene. Oh, it's that awesome time in Cycle 4 when Rebecca fainted.



Splat! Rebecca comes in to assist Jael. She's pretty. She should have gone further in her season. Jael lies down on the ground, while Rebecca partially lifts her. I'm not sure what about that scene expressed "writhe around on the floor in a sexual frenzy" to Jael, but that's what she's doing. OJ tells her to tone down the sexuality, but it doesn't look like she ever does. Brittany joins OJ for her scene. It's a scene of Amanda and Michelle (the twins from Cycle 7) being...themselves. That's it? That's the "infamous" moment from Top Model past? The fact that you had twin contestants? Lame. LabRat thinks Amanda and Michelle are ugly. The twins come in to help with Brittany's shoot, which is that the three of them are triplets. Yawn. After the shoot, the twins give Brittany some advice, like keeping a positive attitude. Fucking Shannon pretends she has a modeling career.

Renee's up. Her scene is poor Joanie (I loved her -- though I didn't love Cycle 6) spending hours in the dentist's chair, and having all those teeth pulled out. They show the actual extraction, and it is NAAAAASTY. Joanie comes in to play dentist. She is so gorgeous. OJ interviews that Joanie almost stole the show from Renee, who's taking the judges' "ugly it up a bit" advice a little too much to heart. She makes a lot of pained faces in the dentist's chair. OJ doesn't like her shots, and Renee looks perturbed.

Dionne gets made up, and interviews that she's going to portray Kim in the limo makeout scene. She doesn't look a thing like Kim when she's done. Dionne's not wild about doing this scene, because she's not a "fucking lesbo". Watch it, Dionne. I love you, but it's a short walk to the shitlist. Being uncomfortable lip-locking a woman is understandable (I certainly wouldn't enjoy it). Insulting people who do enjoy it will not be tolerated. Dionne tells OJ it'll be a hard scene to do, because Kim looks boyish and dorky. The actual Kim is coming in for the shoot, and hears this. Hahahaha! Dionne worries about the kiss, interviewing that she doesn't even kiss her "own damn boyfriend". So chaste. One wonders how she obtained a daughter. Everyone climbs into the Monster Humvee, and OJ picks up on how uncomfortable Dionne is with portraying a lesbian. But lo and behold, halfway through the shoot, Dionne giggles and says that she's actually enjoying this. Kim gets a face, like, "Score!". Dionne interviews that she has no idea why she became so comfortable, but that the shoot was cool, and she enjoyed it. Whew. I was afraid for a second that I'd have to dump her. Evening at the model pad. Tyra Mail announces the upcoming elimination. The girls are nervous, as always. Jael interviews that the judges don't really understand her, because she's so "complicated". Heh. Jaslene and Whitney fret about their chances.

Commercials. Don't smoke pot, or your dog won't like you anymore.

We enter the Chamber of Doom on Tyra trying to look imposing in another one of her Gypsy fortune-teller getups. What is with her this season? And hey, since we're rehashing Top Model past tonight, why not enter the Chamber of Doom on a little Crazy Tyra at panel action? I guess she didn't want to relive that particular little embarrassment. Prizes. Judges. The guest judge is Matthew, which is a bit of a letdown. Sure, he's more qualified than Efren to judge the photos, but what a wasted opportunity to have Pedro the Guest Judge. Whitney is up first for evaluation. There's a bad overdub of Tyra "saying" that the photos will be presented in comic book style, for pretty much no reason. Whitney's photo naturally features Fucking Shannon's slack jaw, and unfortunately, Whitney herself doesn't look good, for the third week in a row. The judges say there's no passion in the photo. They still love Whitney in person, but she can't seem to translate that onto film. Brittany's triplet shot is fine, and the judges love it. I'm fairly sure Brittany is the current record-holder for number of episodes without a single criticism of her photos.

LabRat: "It's easy to look pretty when you're bookended by two dogs."

Jaslene's granola shot is not her best, and Tyra tells her that she's getting weaker in the competition, as opposed to stronger. The fact that she looks like a drag queen is brought up for the millionth time. I like Michelle in Natasha's flesh-eating bacteria shot, but not Natasha herself. The judges disagree with me, saying that she's really learning to become a model, and that she had tremendous energy. Boo! Dionne is told she looks a little dumpy this week at panel, but improves when she pulls some excess fabric behind her. She and Miss J banter a bit about her being "scuuuured" to kiss a woman. Her lesbian shot is fairly good, and the judges like it. Well, Kim looks horrendous in it, but no news there. Matthew tells Dionne she was his favorite girl of the day. Yay! Jael's fainting shot is not good. Remember how Sarah's shots always looked too posed? Same problem here. Jael's defense? "Well, I was taking direction from [OJ] as well. Like, he told me to, like, [silence]. You know, cause when I started off as, like, [unintelligible mumbles]. Cause he showed me the video. And he told me to come alive, and, like, sell the shoes." Um. The judges bemusedly look at her, and Tyra just thanks her and sends her back to the group. Renee thanks Tyra for the opportunity to see her family. Tyra enjoys basking in others' gratitude. Shot of Natasha, of course. Renee's dentist shot is pretty good, though nothing to write home about. Twiggy likes that she looks pretty and pained at the same time. Tyra does warn her against taking the "ugly it up" advice too strongly, and Nigel says her hair and makeup at panel makes her look old. Ouch. Renee is sent back to the group. Whitney pats her poofed-up hair. Heh. The girls are dismissed.

Commercials. My interest in body wash does not extend to going online to watch longer commercials.

Deliberations. They try to force the new nicknames on us, but I'm not having any of that. Dionne is growing by leaps and bounds. Renee has something special, but tends to photograph on the old side. Whitney is beautiful in person, and has a great personality, but melts when a camera is pointed at her. Jaslene. Drag queen. WE GET IT NOW. Twiggy goes crazy whenever Jael speaks. Hehe. Matthew thinks there's something about her worth keeping. Natasha has really progressed and is gorgeous and sexy. I wish I could see Natasha as the judges see her, because I'm baffled by her continued success. Brittany is perfect in every way.

Elimination. Top of the pack this week is Dionne. Yay! Natasha is safe. Boo! Brittany. Renee. Jaslene. Will Jael and Whitney please step forward? Blah blah usual horrific grammar ("still in the running towards becoming America's Next Top Model"). Whitney can't shine in a picture like Jael. Jael can't speak with eloquence like Whitney. Tyra praises her own interviewing skills more highly than Diane Sawyer's. Tyra's Ego: it's the judge we can always depend on. Unfortunately, one can't be a model if one can't take a good picture, so Jael gets her photo. She and Whitney hug. Jael approaches, and Tyra makes her say something understandable to prove she deserves to stay. "I will definitely prove myself to be all that you believe I am." Not bad. Tyra tells Whitney she's come a long way, and Whitney says she's learned a lot. Tyra tells her to go home and practice. Group hug! In her final interview, Whitney says she didn't expect to be eliminated today, and admits to being extremely disappointed. And while I like her a great deal, her portfolio certainly supports the judges' decision. Whitney says that maybe modeling isn't the career for her. I agree! Go put that brain to better use, Whitney! Back to the Future fadeout.

Next week on America's Next Top Model: The always loathsome "interview" episode. And also, the "travel to exotic destination" one. Welcome to America's Next Top Model: Paint By Numbers.

Overall Grade: B+

The Girl Who Gets Thrown in the Pool

America's Next Top Model - Season 8, Episode 6

Previously on America's Next Top Model: Renee. Bitch. Rinse and repeat. Sarah's undeserved second chance at the photo shoot may have saved her from elimination, so let's see how she fares when that undeserved second chance is taken away, shall we? There's an apparent correlation between size and ability to dress like a man, as Whitney and Diana fell to the bottom two. Diana got punted, and is now free to down as many bacon double cheeseburgers as she'd like. Eight girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Evening. Jael wonders why they took Diana away, making it sound like she's been sent to the gas chamber. Whitney interviews that Diana's elimination has hit her pretty hard, since they were so close to one another. She promises to beat those "skinny bitches" in honor of the plus-sizers. Shouldn't be hard. I think a stiff wind would snap Jaslene in two. Oh, she means in the competition. Well, that might be more difficult. Some Tyra Mail awaits the girls at the house, which Dionne and Natasha read together. Good idea, we don't want Natasha reading unsupervised. It mentions something about a rose by any other name smelling as sweet. I hope we don't have to watch these girls attempt Shakespeare. That would be physically painful. Jael horses around. Renee interviews that the other girls are driving her insane, giving examples that Jael talks too much (probably true) and that Sarah didn't deserve to win the challenge last week (definitely true). Sarah talks about how much she learned from seeing her first set of shots from the photo shoot. Sepia-toned flashback to OJ telling her how posey she looks. Well, since she learned so much, I guess bad, posey shots are all behind Sarah now!

Morning. The Monster Humvee drops the girls at a "restaurant". A "restaurant" with no tables or chairs or kitchen or waiters or food. So, you know, yum! There's a gigantic pad of white paper set up on an easel, with LESLEY HORNBY written across it in big, black letters. Dionne doesn't know who that is. We quickly find out when Twiggy walks in. Vivaldi's "Spring" plays in the background, because British people must always be introduced with classical music. The girls squeal happily. Twiggy tells the girls that she got her nickname when a friend branded her for having skinny legs. Oooh, harsh. I fear the day when someone gives me a nickname having to do with my rock-hard abs. Twiggy tears the sheet of paper with her real name off to reveal her nickname. Well, that was a good use of about 48 standard-sized sheets' worth of paper. We see old modeling shots of Twiggy. She says that having a unique name had a lot to do with giving her career a kickstart, and introduces another model who goes by a nickname -- Melrose from Season 7. Whee! Now, the thing you have to understand about Melrose is that she was her season's villain. However, she was the least villainous villain in this show's entire history, and a lot of what they tried to make appear hateful in her was actually completely understandable (for example, she offered to cook if other people would do the dishes, and asked girls to stop squealing in the middle of the night so she could get a few hours' sleep before getting up for the photo shoot). Not that she wasn't a bitch sometimes, because she was. But her unfair treatment, coupled with the fact that she busted her ass to do well in the competition, made me want to defend her every time the other girls (or editors) gave her a hard time. Which was every five minutes. So, yay! I'm glad to see her.

The girls clap for her. Renee is wearing yet another scarf-pulled-up-to-form-a-hood, God knows why. Melrose talks about not wanting to use her real name (Melissa Rose), because there's a million Melissas out there, and nobody would remember her. Sepia-toned flashback to her telling the judges this in her casting audition. She brings up other models with unique names, like Tyra and Iman. So, the girls will need to come up with nicknames for themselves, and are passed nametags. Renee interviews that all the nicknames she's ever been given are mean (shocker), but she's not going to go around and introduce herself as Canoe-Feet. Heh. Renee can really be funny when she wants to be.

Let's go around the room and see what the girls can come up with, when challenged to do something besides "dress up in this ridiculous outfit and look pretty for the camera". Whitney has pulled a Melrose, and named herself Whitelle. That is awful. It sounds like a paper plate company. "I was sick of plates that couldn't stand up to the burgers at my picnic, but all that's changed, since I switched to Whitelle!" Sarah takes her middle name, which is Moe. I'd like to hear the story behind that one. Brittany shortens hers to Brit, emphasizing that it's only got one T. Gotcha, Brittany. I'll be sure to spell your lazy, stupid nickname correctly. Jaslene sticks with her own name. Yeah, I'd say that Jaslene is plenty special. Of course, she has to wrap it up in an aura of "Jaslene is just who I am! I could never go by something else!". Jael also sticks with her name, and manages not to be a tiresome idiot about it, so she's already got a leg up on Jaslene. Natasha goes for Nata. Dionne. Oh, Dionne. Her mom was watching Discovery Channel, and stumbled upon a program about a little girl who was married off to an old man. Natasha? No, this was a different little girl, who was named Wholahay, so that's the name she adopts. Ick. Sounds like a drag queen who'd open for Margaret Cho. Melrose interviews that the name Wholahay sounds like a conversation starter. I agree, though the conversation would likely open with "Why on Earth did your parents punish you with that?". Renee has come up with Nayien. Boring.

Twiggy says that now they've got the names down, the girls are going to go to a "smart and sexy party". I wait impatiently for Benny Hill music to strike up in the background, but it never does. Damn. The girls are given key points to remember for the party, which are important enough to be subtitled. 1) Be eloquent. Well, that pretty much dooms Jael. 2) Don't monopolize the conversation. Jael is doubly doomed. 3) Be humorous and witty. Sorry, Natasha. The girls will use their new names at the party, but I'm certainly not going to the trouble of referring to them as such. Twiggy and Melrose wish them luck.

On the way back to the model pad, Renee, from out of nowhere, tells everyone that she's looking forward to having stimulating conversation. I mean, shouldn't she at least be in a fight with someone before breaking out the passive-aggressive snipes? Jael calls her on it, saying that she hasn't had stimulating conversation with the other girls because nobody wants to talk to her. Well, that was an odd little scene. Back at the pad, Tyra Mail awaits. It refers to the party, and warns the girls to beware of the "funky cold Medina". Renee thinks it'll be a transvestite party. If only. That night, the girls walk into the party, where there is a product logo stamped all over everything. Subtle. Renee is still working the scarf hood. The girls begin mingling. Bill Maher is there, so he'd better be prepared for some sharp retorts next time he's having a debate. "How can you defend such high oil prices when companies are reporting record profits?" "I don't know, why don't you ask Wholahay?" Sarah thinks her experience with networking as a photographer will help her out. Uh huh. Tia and Tamera Mowry are at the party, as are two toothpicks with bad wigs on. Wait, sorry. That was Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie. Jael makes fun of some guy on a show I don't watch. Girls line up to meet 50 Cent, who thinks Renee is pretty.

The party is outside, and Whitney sees a bright, white room through a window with Benny Medina and others sitting in there. Crap. Benny Medina is Tyra's manager, and I'll need to consult a physicist about how Benny, Tyra, and their two egos could possibly fit into a single house, let alone a room. Renee correctly assumes that he must have something to do with a challenge. Some flunky comes outside, and tells Whitney that Benny would like to meet her. She enters the white room, and Benny shakes her hand. He's wearing a striped shirt with a polka dot tie in the mistaken belief that he's fashionable enough to pull it off. He introduces the other people in the room, who are supposed to be important (and actually are in their own little spheres -- like Beverly Johnson, one of the first black supermodels), but who never say a word during this episode, so I don't really see the need to go into detail. Benny asks Whitney what she's going by tonight, and naturally springs immediately into asshole mode when she responds. "You're living in a world with, like, you know, Madonnas and Beverly Johnsons and Beyonces, and... Whitelle?". You're right, Benny. I never fully embraced the unique flavor of the name "Beverly". Dumbass. Whitney is embarrassed.

Out by the pool, Jael and 50 Cent are enjoying some sparkling repartee. Natasha interviews that Jael was annoying him, which may be true, as we see him ask Whitney to take Jael away with her when she leaves. Sarah agrees, interviewing that she loves Jael's personality, but that she was making an ass out of herself, which is unprofessional at a party classy enough to toss a bunch of reality show freaks into the mix and film them. I may have added that last part. Sarah does fairly well in her Benny interview. Brittany tries to explain her shitty-ass weave. Poor Brittany. That thing is so nasty. As Dionne talks to 50 Cent, Jael comes over to give him a hard time some more. Dionne is added to the list of girls who think Jael is doing too much "clowning", and not enough "business". Dionne goes into her Benny interview, and tells the assembly about learning how to dress and act like a model. He asks her what the most difficult thing about the process is, and she says that it's being away from her daughter. Dionne has a kid? Who knew? She begins to tear up a bit, which LabRat thinks is her playing for sympathy. My blind Dionne love argues that she's never brought it up before, like Renee did within the first thirty seconds of meeting her. Also, she tries to put a lid on the crying as quickly as possible, adding a "shake it off!" for good measure. Aw.

And... Guess who's back to bother 50 Cent some more? Jaslene adds herself to the growing list of disapproving girls, saying that there has to be a line of respect with celebrities. I'd say there needs to be a line of respect with everyone, but who am I to get in the way of Jaslene's starfucking? 50 Cent has had enough of Jael, and demonstrates why celebrities are such class acts that are deserving of respect from the peons by fucking pushing Jael into the swimming pool. She almost takes some random woman with her, which is kind of awesome.

Commercials. I promise to test drive a Chevy if it actually causes shirtless guys to swarm around me. As long as I get to pick the guys.

Replay of what just happened. Renee reiterates that Jael was annoying 50 Cent, which I guess is supposed to rationalize pushing her into the pool. I'll have to keep that in mind for the next time someone annoys me. Of course, given that it's Jael, she doesn't mind a bit. Heh. She gets out and tries to grab 50 Cent, but just winds up back in the pool. Natasha doesn't even wait to be pushed, but just jumps in. Dionne interviews that she can't figure why they want to jump in a pool when the girls are there for "business". Renee thinks that people would look at Jael and Natasha and think they couldn't handle a job, because they can't even handle being normal at a party. The flunky comes to collect Jael and Natasha for their interview with Benny. Jael's not intimidated at all as Benny blasts her for getting up in 50 Cent's face. Naturally, Benny has nothing to say on the subject of 50 Cent pushing party guests into the pool. Jaslene manages to get through a conversation with both 50 Cent and Benny with her clothes and ego intact, so a point to her for that. Renee heads in for her Benny interview, in which he pretends to be confused by her nickname, which when pronounced, sounds like "name". Renee laughingly admits in interview that she made a bad choice. I'm thinking the girls aren't taking this nickname thing half as seriously as they'd like us to believe. And good for them for that.

Sarah and Renee chat with Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie. Nicole asks Renee if she likes modeling. She says she does, but doesn't like the other girls. Nicole smells gossip, and asks who the biggest bitch is. Instead of truthfully answering "Well, that'd have to be me," Renee picks out Jael. Later, in the bathroom, Nicole tells Jael that she forgot who she was talking to, but one of the other girls hates her. Nice. Don't you wish you could just rush right out and start respecting celebrities? If not, you deserve to get pushed into a pool with your clothes on. Jael has no difficulty identifying the culprit, and interviews that Renee may be a bit jealous of her. Party's over, and the Monster Humvee takes the girls back to the model pad, where some Tyra Mail hints at the upcoming photo shoot by telling the girls their roommates may be two-faced, but they're all going to be four-faced.

Jael reports to the other girls what Nicole Richie said, and Renee says that she never said she hated Jael, just that Nicole asked who the crazy one in the house was. Oh, well that's much nicer. And a complete lie. As Renee walks off, Jael tells her to "get out of my face, bitch". "I'm not in your face, bitch," Renee snaps. Jael calls her jealous, and tells her that she's really beautiful, so it's such a fucking waste. Oooh, that's actually a good one against Renee. Whitney gets a delighted face and jumps up and down with glee. Hahaha! She interviews that Jael will always prevail in this type of situation. Renee walks by Jael, and Jael tells her to walk somewhere else. Renee says she's not going to walk on eggshells (learn what that expression means, Renee), and tells Jael that she's not a mean person. HAHAHAHA! Good one, Renee. Jael retorts that Renee has been disrespectful to every single person in the house. Unfortunately, the one time a sepia-toned flashback would have made the moment, they leave it out. The episode's grade is going down a half letter just for that. Renee says that the girls have also disrespected her. "With good reason," Jael sniffs. Renee asks the room at large if that's true, and if nobody likes her. Nobody answers. Jael tells her that she (Jael) puts others before herself, but that Renee never will. Jael interviews that she stood up for herself and the other girls. Renee looks pissed, and yet extremely pretty in this final shot before commercials. Seriously, screencap that and put it into her portfolio.

Commercials. I have no trouble believing that birds constantly plot against humans.

Morning. Jael interviews that if Renee wants to act like a bitch, that's fine, but then she can't expect the other girls to be friendly with her. Jael's nutty, but she really comes up with some gems. I wonder if this means she's going to take down the friendship drawing. On the way to the photo shoot, the Monster Humvee drives the girls into a wormhole, which explains why there's a sunset shot of a Ferris wheel before it comes back out the other side and it's early again. Now Brittany's working the head scarf thing. In her case, it's entirely justified. OJ introduces today's photo shoot by showing a composite shot of twelve pictures of Tyra, each one displaying a different mood. She's like the Dodecahedron! The girls will direct their own hair and makeup today, then take four different photos for a similar composite shot. Jael interviews that the judges should be afraid, since they've given her so much freedom. Hehe.

OJ introduces today's photographer (Kareem), then backtracks to the party challenge. Yeah, we still don't know who won that. The winner will receive a photo shoot for a Keds ad that will run in Seventeen. And that winner is... Dionne! Yaaaaaaaay! She's extremely happy, and gets to pick two other girls to be in the ad with her. She chooses Whitney and Jaslene. The girls are given paper and pens to come up with the four sides of their personalities they'll be portraying today. You're making them think twice in one week? That's cruel. Jael is going to be shooting for some difficult moods, because "easy is boring". Renee thinks she'll do fine. Sarah desperately wants to do well. Sutan is still awful. Dionne says she didn't give OJ enough of a bad girl vibe the last time he asked for one, so she's going to try again. Her makeup looks good, and she's up with "sensitive" first, then "evil". OJ interviews that she's afraid to go to the extreme, which is what modeling is all about. Her third mood is "friendly", and the fourth? "Hood". Hehehe. Jaslene's first mood is "drag queen", so she just jumped about 100,000 points in my book. Then it's "cha cha diva", "modelesque" (whatever the hell that means), and "sentimental". OJ thinks her four moods weren't very diverse.

Natasha is "sexy". OJ tells her she may as well have been smelling dog poo in one of her shots. It's hard-hitting critiques like those that keep him around as the photo shoot director. Twat. Natasha does "surprised" much better, and OJ gives himself the credit, for being such a brilliant director. Double twat. Renee and Jael trash talk each other to their makeup artists. Whitney is nervous, because she did so poorly at the photo shoot last week. Now there's a sepia-toned flashback. Too late to raise that grade now, sucka! Whitney's first mood is "seductress". She does the eyebrow pop that she excels at for both that and "thinker". She also does "peaceful" and OJ criticizes her putting her hands up around her face too much. In interview, of course. He doesn't tell Whitney this, because that would actually be helpful. Her last mood is "comedian". She says she did the best she could, and if she gets eliminated, she knows she did so while doing a good job. That's a bit oxymoronic.

LabRat: "She looks drunk."

Jael has directed her makeup artist to put white powder all over her face. Is she going for the kabuki look? The makeup artist asks her if Renee's problem is with all the other girls. "Yeah, but they know I'll protect them from the evil ducks of the universe." Hah! This is why we need to keep Jael around until about the final four or so. She's ready for the photo shoot, and her first mood is "sexy beast". I like the spiky hair she's got going. Then it's "anarchist", which I misread at first as "Anti-Christ". Then "dominator" and "revolutionary peacemaker". OJ hates her "dragged-out" makeup. He's one to talk. He loves her performance, though, and compares her to Grace Jones. There's an awesome shot of Grace Jones in, yes, dragged-out makeup. Can OJ string two sentences together without sounding like a moronic douchebag? I doubt it. Sarah reminds herself not to pose too much. Her first mood is "innocent", and she's already posing too much, which OJ points out. She moves on to "anger", and...posing. It's hard to describe what posing too much is, when the girls are, in fact, posing. It's just that she doesn't look angry. She looks like she's trying to look angry. She moves on to "regret", and...posing. Brittany and her disgusting weave are up. She tells her hair stylist that her hair has been possessed by an evil spirit. That would explain it. Her first mood is "innocent", like Sarah's. Then she moves on to "spacey", "goofy", and "devilish". OJ doesn't think Brittany is doing as well this week as in past ones, pegging it on her getting cocky.

Renee interviews that the other girls need to watch who they make feel like an outcast, because they don't know who they're messing with. Hmm, I guess it hasn't occurred to Renee that if she hadn't been a bitch from the word "go", she wouldn't be an outcast. Renee's first mood is "dark side". What a reach. Then it's on to "sexy", which OJ says looked the same as the "dark side". Shocker. Then it's "sorrow". OJ interviews that Renee needs to "take it to the next level", which I despise, and which I've already pointed out is one of those meaningless phrases that the judges unpack when they can't think of a real critique. Dionne, Whitney, and Jaslene head out for their reward photo shoot. Dionne is happy some more. She's cute. The photo shoot is cute. The shoes are cute. Dionne says that the posing advice Benny Ninja gave them actually paid off.

Evening. The girls gather in a room of the model pad, and Tyra comes in, looking for all the world like a Gypsy fortune-teller. Oh, no. Girls in one room? Tyra coming in with a gentle smile? She's about to Oprah all over the place, isn't she? She says she'd like to talk about "revelations". Her eyelashes are actively trying to escape from her face. Up first is Brittany, who's in no mood to talk about emotional baggage, because her weave sucks so very much. She points out that it is pulling out her actual hair, and there are bright red marks on her scalp. Ouch. Tyra says they'll do something about that, and apologizes for having them put a cheap weave in her head. Progress! So a cheap weave and giving chump change to charity. This has got to be one of the most profitable shows on the CW. Loosen the purse strings, Tyra. Dionne's revelation is about it being difficult to be away from her child. She puts a lid on the tears again. LabRat rolls his eyes. Jael thinks the competition is helping her deal with life experience, like the death of her friend. LabRat rolls his eyes some more. I should have warned him about the Tyra-as-Oprah segments.

Renee begins crying as she tells Tyra that she feels like she's really misunderstood. Dionne cracks a wide "what-the-fuck-ever, bitch" smile. Renee continues that she's got a lot riding on her shoulders, what with the husband who lives on the beach and a son who lives with his mom. And as I've said before, I feel for her financial circumstances, and as I've said before, get a job. She says she's not there to make friends (tally mark!), but to win the competition. Here's where I wish Tyra had asked what about being a nice person precludes someone from winning a modeling competition, but she just asks the other girls if Renee has been rubbing them the wrong way. The general consensus is "Yep, we hate her." Renee says that they're all treating her like a bad person, and that she's not. Not that you have to live your life according to what other people think, and sure, not everyone you come across is going to like you, but when all seven of your roommates agree that you're a bitch? You need to stop and evaluate yourself. Tyra makes Renee comes sit next to her, then asks the other girls to tell Renee how she's hurt them. Ooooouuuuuch. Dionne says she's been negative to everyone so many times. Natasha says that Renee said bad things about her. Jaslene thinks Renee has issues inside that she has to deal with. Whitney agrees. Sarah tells her she talks down to people. Jael says that Renee would say something to Whitney or Sarah that she'd never say to Jael. I don't know what that means. Tyra gives Renee the chance to respond. Renee apologizes for anything she said to hurt or offend the others, and that it's a defense mechanism. She repeats her apology, and it appears to be genuine, though that doesn't say anything for how long it'll last. Tyra essentially praises herself for getting this reaction out of Renee. Hugs! God, I hate these segments.

Commercials. There are new episodes of 7th Heaven? That show is still on the air? How is that possible?

Tyra Mail! Upcoming elimination. Whitney is nervous. Sarah calls her mom, who tells her not to worry. Sarah says she'll be in the bottom two for sure this week. Her mom points out that it was just one bad shoot. Sarah duhs that a girl can go home for one bad shoot. Yep. Just ask Felicia. Night falls, and we enter the Chamber of Doom on another composite shot of Tyra ("entrepreneur", "empathetic", "supermodel", and "silly"). It's pretty, but "entrepreneur"? Whatever. The girls come in. Prizes. Judges. The guest judge is Benny. Crap. Up first for evaluation is Jael. Nigel likes that she had the confidence to keep her name as her nickname. Her composite shot looks good, and Nigel tells her that it's the best she's done so far. Twiggy points out that all four of her moods are strong, tough looks, and she hasn't seen a gentle side to Jael yet. Tyra tells her she had lots of good shots, and that she did really well this week. Renee. Her first choice for nickname is discarded in favor of "NeNe", which is even worse. Her composite shot isn't bad. The fourth mood we never saw before was "motherly", which looks quite nice. I don't like her "sorrow" shot, though. It just looks like she's got a headache. The judges think she did fairly well, but not great.

Natasha. Her "happy" looks good. "Surprised" is so-so. "Sad" and "sexy" are both crap. The judges disagree with me. Brittany. All four of her composite shots look good, and the judges like them, so suck it, OJ. Whitney. Everyone hates the Whitelle nickname, saying it sounds like a department store. Her composite shot is typical Whitney. That is to say, not very good, and I wish it were better, because I like her. The judges don't like it either. Nigel thinks the poses are melodramatic, and Tyra says she can look harsh. Ouch. Jaslene. Her composite shot is pretty, but Nigel points out that all four of her moods look exactly the same. Miss J thinks she looks like Janice Dickinson. Thanks for that contribution. I can see why they keep you on the panel. Sarah. Four moods. Four very contrived shots that Nigel says don't look natural. He's right. Benny finds her "happy" shot corny. This from the man who's working yet another striped shirt and polka dot tie. He's so corny, you can buy him at the movie theater. Ew, that was the corniest thing I've ever said. The corn is contagious! Dionne. The judges don't like the "Wholahay" nickname, and Tyra suggests changing it to "Brown". Subtle. Hi, my name is Caucasian. Nice to meet you. I like her composite shot (especially "evil"), but her "sensitive" shot, much like Renee's "sorrow", makes it look like she needs two aspirin and three hours in a quiet room with a cold compress on her forehead. Dionne's report from OJ has another "take it to the next level". Someone please shut that asshole up. The girls are dismissed.

Commercials. Lady, if your kid needs that many cupcakes by tomorrow, just go to the damn grocery store.

Deliberations. Natasha is steadily improving, as is Jael. Renee's photos are too withdrawn. Brittany did a good job, and another pledge is made to do something about the Weave That Destroyed Tokyo. Twiggy still hates Whitney. Tyra thinks she embodies more of a total package, like having a good personality and being a good speaker, but Benny points out that she lacks the basic element of modeling well. Jaslene is flat today. Sarah is a poser. Or a poseur. Everyone loves Dionne this week. Yay! Suck it again, OJ. Eliminations. Jael is safe. Natasha. Dionne. The Weave That Destroyed Tokyo threatens to consume Brittany's head. She's safe, anyway. Renee. Jaslene. Will Whitney and Sarah please step forward? Sarah is too guarded and posed. Whitney's photos are pretty, but not modelesque. And as with last week, two poor photos. One girl has a personality, one is dull. So Whitney is given her photo, and told she's got "one more chance". She hugs the crying Sarah, and joins the other girls. Tyra gives Sarah a hug, and tells her she just needs to relax and "trust her beauty". Sarah gives the girls a group hug. Her makeup is running something fierce. In her final interview, she says she's disappointed, and that she really wanted this. She did learn that it's "OK to be herself", so...yay? Back to the Future fadeout.

Next week on America's Next Top Model: Hello? Anything? Well, there is a new episode next week, but there's no preview. Let's see if I can guess. The girls take part in challenges and a photo shoot. There's some drama stemming from clashing personalities. Someone is sent home.

Overall Grade: C

The Girl Who Takes Credit

America's Next Top Model - Season 8, Episode 5

Previously on America's Next Top Model: Natasha had no idea what she was doing. Renee, conscious that acting like a bitch all the time would make her...look like a bitch, tried to be nicer, which lasted all of ten minutes. Dionne's clothing failed to impress the judges at panel, but it was Felicia (who's about five times prettier than Sarah and Natasha put together) who was sent packing. Nine girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening credits. Man, I just cannot see Nicole's face without getting all mad about her winning. She sucked!

Evening at the model pad. Apparently, Los Angeles has a full moon every night of the year. Natasha is on the phone, asking her husband if he misses her in a mightily disturbing, wheedling tone. She also talks to her kid. Hey, I didn't know she had one of those. Why don't she and Renee hang out more? They could trade diaper rash stories. As if she just heard me, Natasha interviews that she hasn't bonded with any of the other girls. Outside, Whitney and Diana discuss Natasha's creepy marriage. It's mean, but it's true, as we hear Natasha make disturbing growling noises on the phone. Oh, it looks like Renee is hanging out on the patio as well, but is eerily silent for once. Whitney and Diana conclude that Natasha's marriage is kind of gross. Natasha coos some more. My skin crawls some more.

Morning. Sarah has bed-head. Jael's burn has mysteriously disappeared. Diana, who's wearing hoop earrings that Madonna threw away in 1983, eats a bowl of tuna. She's not loving it. Whitney asks if Diana's still trying to lose ten pounds. Whitney interviews that it's nice having another plus-size girl around, and that people can get a distorted view of reality when they're hanging out with girls who are 5'10" and weigh 125 pounds. Yikes. Some Tyra Mail awaits in the living room, and reads "Looking your worst can be the best thing that ever happens to you". "I win this one!" Jael exclaims. Hahahaha! Sarah looks at the Tyra Mail as if it suggests she'll be eating a bowl of live beetles later.

Later, the Monster Humvee drops the girls at what appears to be a sweatshop. See, not everything is outsourced. They're met by Cathy Gould and Claudia Mason. Claudia is a model, and is extremely pretty. Cathy runs the modeling agency that will be representing the eventual winner of this season. She's probably extremely competent, and a lovely person to boot, but on this show, Cathy's appearance can mean only one thing. Zzzzzzz. She and Claudia talk about teaching the girls how to dress, which is of particular interest to Dionne, who keeps getting beat up on at panel for not "dressing like a model". Sadly, she won't be learning much here. The girls are sent off to change, and come back looking pretty trashy. They're asked what they think. Natasha loves her outfit (which is narsty -- leggings flatter nobody), Whitney enjoys her accessories, and Jaslene thinks she looks "fun, young, and hip". Cathy drops the bomb that their outfits are actually examples of how not to dress. Burn! Dionne: "I was, like, 'Oh, snap!'. I was, like, 'We were lookin' kinda jacked up and busted here!" Hahaha! I love Dionne. Cathy and Claudia criticize a bunch of the outfits, as if the girls had picked them out themselves. The girls are directed to trade various articles of clothing. I'm not going to go into detail, because trust me, rearranging your sock drawer is more interesting than this segment. Poor, boring Cathy. Dionne claims to have learned something about simplicity in dressing.

Evening. Whitney is hanging out in bed, and Renee asks her if she honestly thinks there's ever going to be a plus-size model on the cover of Vogue. She sounds incredulous, but I honestly don't see why there wouldn't be. Society seems to be rolling around to the point where we hate overly skinny girls just as much as we hate overly fat ones. Whitney says as much. Renee says she's waiting to see Whitney "be a model" or something. Whitney tells her to "shut the heck up". Hehe. People who fight with the word "heck" are funny. Whitney must have reported to Diana what Renee said, because now Diana's all steamed up. She interviews that Renee's a bitch. The music gets all dramatic and clashy, despite the fact that this is the most fangless fight we've seen so far this season. Zzzzzz.

Commercials. Sorry, Eclipse, but I think Orbit has wrapped up the market on wacky-ass gum ads.

Crack of dawn. The girls enter a room with two "mannequins" who could not be more obviously real people, thus rendering standing still completely meaningless. There's a Sears logo on the wall, so we know we're in for some high fashion now! Renee is wearing an odd gray scarf pulled up to form a hood. It doesn't look bad on her; I just don't understand the point. The "mannequins" suddenly come to life, and the girls fail to hit the ceiling in surprise. The guys introduce themselves as Lawrence and Gregory Zarian, who are identical twin models. In keeping with the "theme" of the girls learning how to dress themselves (as well as the theme of boring segments), today's challenge will be to create a display, such as one you'd see in a mall. The girls are split into groups of three. Dionne, Sarah, and Renee are Group 1. Natasha, Jael, and Whitney are Group 2. Diana, Brittany, and Jaslene are Group 3. Dionne: "They told me my group members were going to be Sarah and Renee, and I was, like, 'Mmm. Sarah and Renee.'" Seriously, I can't do justice to how hilarious Dionne is.

Each team has two racks of clothing and some accessories to choose from. They have twenty minutes to throw a display together, and will be judged as a group, as well as individually. When time runs out, you have to be posing on a given platform, or you're disqualified. And...go! Jolly hoedown music plays during the model stampede. Ugly decorations are nabbed. Natasha and Jael disagree over a skirt. Dionne interviews that she's worked in retail, so she went ahead and chose the outfits for all three of the girls in Group 1. As commenter erin (welcome, by the way!) said, one of the few bright spots in this episode is Dionne getting a lot more screentime than she has in past episodes, but it was around this point that I began to worry. Girls who get a lot of screentime when they haven't previously are often the one who gets cut that week. Nooooooo! Jaslene is dying to win a challenge. She and Brittany simultaneously apply makeup to each other. Heh. Five minutes left. Jael puts on an unflattering shade of lipstick. A panicked Sarah asks Dionne and Renee which outfit is hers. Time runs out. Everyone hits their pose in the last few seconds.

The Zarians approach to judge, telling the girls to keep their poses. Whitney is sitting on the floor, and Natasha pesters her about needing to be on the podium. Well, too late now, suckas! When Whitney doesn't move, she says it again, and Whitney and Jael shush her. Group 1 (aka the Spring Monarchs) looks good. Nice, springtime colors, and a variety of poses. One of the Zarians finds the display busy (which it is), but likes that the outfits complement the girls' skin tones and hair colors. Group 2 (aka Tres Flores) is meh. A Zarian says they look good, but don't really come together as a group. Group 3 (aka Aphrodity's [sic] Box). Aphrodity's Box? Ew. Wouldn't Venus' Vagina be more direct? Natasha points out that when you create a name, you can spell it as wrong or as right as you want. Give the girl a gold star, because Krispy Kreme? Nick at Nite? Uncle Kracker? Sarah is dismissive of Natasha in an interview, but as far as I'm concerned, that's the first time Natasha's actually had a fair point when defending something. The Zarians love the display. In fact, Aphrodity's Box (ew) would have been the clear winner in their eyes, with Whitney as the individual winner. But! Whitney's not on the platform, so they're disqualified. Whitney's umbrella closes itself out of sheer embarrassment. Hehe. With them out of the way, the Spring Monarchs take the win.

LabRat: "That's not fair! That group should have won."
Limecrete: "No way. And besides, Dionne's group won, so yay!"
LabRat: "Eh, what do you know?"

The individual win goes to a girl that chose the perfect outfit for herself: Sarah. Um. Dionne is rightfully pissed, since she was the one who actually chose Sarah's outfit. Or maybe it was Renee, since she's now interviewing that she picked out the jewelry and top, and Dionne picked out the pants. In any case, Sarah had no hand in her outfit, yet doesn't say anything to that effect when she's chosen as the winner. Snake. Her prize is that at the photo shoot, she can take a set of pictures, review them, then take another set to try and fix any problems she had on the first set. Whitney is pissed at herself. Dionne is pissed at Sarah. Renee is always pissed. Piss all over the place. Whitney interviews that she should have listened to Natasha. It doesn't matter! Time had already run out; moving onto the platform would have been cheating.

Back at the model pad, Natasha stews that nobody ever listens to her. Gah! BY THE TIME NATASHA SPOKE UP ABOUT THE PLATFORM, IT DIDN'T MATTER. Renee and Whitney gossip about her in the kitchen. Wait, don't Renee and Whitney hate each other? Whatever. It's your basic stereotypical catty girl gossip about how Natasha may not even really be married, because she doesn't wear her ring or something. The editing suggests that Natasha may hear them, but it looks really patchy. Suffice it to say she hates the other girls, and as required by law on this show, flees to the phone to cry to someone. Her husband essentially tells her to grow a skin. She whines some more.

Commercials. Who sprinkles Cheddar cheese into their tomato soup? Bleh.

Tyra Mail! "Dude, where's my lipstick?" The girls wonder if there will be boys present at the photo shoot, and squeal, as they are wont to do. Natasha proudly shows off fashion shots she's been studying to Brittany, so she's not exactly the social outcast she paints herself as. She interviews that she's been practicing, and is getting better with facial expressions and such. I'm not sure why the music in the background wants to suggest a Greek wedding banquet, but it does.

The Monster Humvee drops the girls off at a studio. I never noticed the pink squiggles painted on the Monster Humvee's door. That is revoltingly cutesy. OJ meets them, and tells them they'll be styling themselves in a sleek photo shoot. Model stampede to the clothing racks. They leave a giant mess behind, and the outfits they choose are as bad or worse than the fashion-don't crap they had to wear earlier. They're duly chastised, but are heartened to hear that they'll be working with male models today. The guys come out, and the girls cheer. However, in this shoot, the girls will be made up as guys, and the guys (who are drag queens) will be dressed as the attendant girls. We go straight into a hair and makeup montage. Man, the makeup crew is getting a good workout this season. Renee explains the mayhem in the makeup room, and actually manages to be witty and charming. Our Renee! We hear a couple of the themes. Jaslene has to have the word "nautical" explained to her. One of the guys' dicks is hanging out of his miniskirt and has to be blurred.

OJ introduces Richard, today's photographer, and the shoot starts with Jaslene and her queen as the "Nautical Couple". She slouches. OJ loves how she commanded her photo shoot (read: came up with directorial ideas so that he didn't have to pretend to be competent at his job). Brittany and her queen are the "Outdoorsy Couple", so you know there's a lot of plaid, as well as hillbilly violin music in the background. She does a good job, and the entire room cracks up at how stern she looks as a guy. Renee is part of a "Glam Rock Couple". OJ suggests clenching her jaw. She actually does look kind of Bowie-ish, and does a good job. Jael is part of a "Bohemian Couple". She looks like Sonny Bono, and spews some hippie crap about her soul. Dionne and her queen are the "Power Couple", and both sneer at the camera convincingly. Dionne strokes her chin. OJ doesn't approve of her poses, which makes me even more worried for her.

Sarah is part of the "Rocker Couple", and wears a jacket which makes her look like she should be standing on the Sergeant Pepper album cover. Her first set of photos suck. Her poses are way too feminine. Due to her undeserved challenge win, she gets to go and review said sucky photos to learn from her mistakes. Rehash of how Dionne should have won. Sarah's second set of shots is much better. OJ thinks they may save her from being eliminated. Whitney is part of a "Collegiate Couple". I didn't realize that when I was in college, I looked like a color-blind homeless man. Seriously, what is she wearing? She's "motivated" from Renee's earlier opinion that plus-size models can't be successful, but is still too controlled, according to OJ. He finds her guarded and awkward. Natasha looks like Kevin Federline, and practices the same kind of douchebaggy poses you see white trash like him do all the time. Dionne knows Natasha is bringing her A-game to this shoot. Natasha even improvises by putting foil on her tooth, like a grille. She's part of the "Hip-Hop Couple", and does ridiculously well, considering she's...her. Everyone is cracking up, and gives her a round of applause when she's done. Sarah thinks Natasha has blossomed in this competition.

Diana is part of the "Red Carpet Couple". She interviews that she didn't think it would be very difficult to pose as a guy. Geez, why not just paint a bull's-eye on your forehead, Diana? She's apparently attending a red carpet event in 1976, because her bow tie is gigantic. She's boring, as she tends to be. OJ points out that the drag queen is easily outshining her. Renee interviews that Diana and Whitney are more pressured to succeed because they're bigger than the other girls (there is always a shot of Jaslene when skinny girls are mentioned), and that the pressure is actually hurting their performance. OJ tells her she looks bored. After her shoot, he asks her why she wants to be America's Next Top Model. "Just cuz," she says, and a red laser dot appears on the bull's-eye on her forehead. OJ gives her a bunch of grief. "Lack of passion" has claimed more contestants on this show than being ugly. Diana cries. Whitney pulls her aside and advises her not to let others see her in such a state, because it's just another obstacle to people seeing girls like them as real models. Diana thinks this could send her home. Good instincts. She cries some more.

Commercials. Not to sound uncaring, but my guess is that 50% of people's allergies are either made up or their own fault ("Look at my new air filter, water filter, and hypoallergenic shampoo! Gee, why do I explode into sneezes every time I take a step outside?").

Evening. The Monster Humvee drops the girls at the model pad, where there is Tyra Mail announcing the upcoming elimination. The girls are pretty much like "Sure, whatever," and head to bed. Whitney is nervous, knowing she didn't do her best today, and hopes to keep coasting on her personality. Diana interviews that she needs to act strong and confident at panel. Oh, I don't know. Tyra loves a crier. We enter the Chamber of Doom on a picture of Tyra as a rather thuggish young man. She's finally abandoned the head scarves for panel, thank the heavens. The girls comes in. Prizes. Judges. The guest judge this week is Cathy, so let's all do our best to stay awake. Dare we hope that the final challenges are not going to make an appearance this entire season? I dare. Let's get to the evaluations!

Dionne. The judges love how she looks this week. Yay! They also love her Power Couple shot, and Nigel tells her it's almost as if she's a new person this week. Phew. I should have known better than to get worried over OJ's criticisms. The man's a complete moron. Jaslene. The music turns odd as she approaches, like we're about to see a jug band performance on Hee Haw. Tyra makes fun of her tacky belt, and she takes it off. Once again, Jaslene pulls a great photograph out of nowhere. Twiggy says she looks like a "fella", and Nigel adds that not only does she look like a guy, she looks like a good-looking guy. Tyra finds it effortless. Whitney. Her shot kinda sucks, and the judges point out the main problem: her huge rack is jutting out. Not that Whitney can help that, but Cathy points out that Whitney also looks uncomfortable in her picture, which is true. Whitney says she was going for a pompous look. Tyra reads the report from OJ, which calls Whitney the worst of the day. Eek. Not that anybody should trust that warthog's advice, but Tyra always seems to. She tells Whitney that she feels like she lucks into a lot of her good shots. Interesting.

Jael. She looks too feminine in her photo. Yup, Jael looks the most feminine of all the drag kings today. Weird! The judges are displeased. Sarah. Tyra describes her challenge "win" again. Shot of Dionne, of course. Cathy thinks Sarah also looks too feminine in her Rocker shot, but the other judges disagree. Sarah and Tyra think the second set of shots helped her capture a much better pose than she would have gotten otherwise. Renee. Her Glam Rock shot is good, and the judges give her lots of praise about her jawline and nose and such. Diana. Twiggy points out that she has a slightly dead expression in her Red Carpet shot. Yep. OJ has also reported on Diana's lack of passion, and there's a sepia-toned flashback for the amnesiacs in the audience. Brittany's Outdoorsy shot gets praised all around. I don't think she's ever been criticized. Natasha's Hip-Hop shot is certainly her best to date. The judges are completely charmed by it, though they point out that Natasha's head is angled for the third week in a row. The girls are dismissed.

Commercials. Green bean casserole? But Thanksgiving isn't for months!

Deliberations. Natasha lights up the room at panel. Jaslene is the most photogenic girl present. Dionne has improved a great deal. Brittany rocks, as always. Twiggy loves Renee's wide shoulders. Heh. Sarah's got potential, but Cathy doesn't think she really nailed the photo shoot. Diana has got the looks, but no oomph. Twiggy still hates Whitney. Nigel brings up her busty shot, which Tyra thankfully defends. Jael is improving, but her shot sucks. Cathy doesn't like her.

Elimination. Natasha is called first. Dionne. Yay! Brittany. Jaslene. Sarah. Renee. Jael. Will Whitney and Diana please step forward? Tyra blahs for a bit about having two such beautiful plus-size girls in the competition. They clutch hands. Diana is strong and beautiful, but has no passion. Whitney's beauty is difficult to capture in a photograph. "So who goes home?" Well, the boring one, of course. Whitney gets her photo. Both girls cry and hug each other. Tyra gives Whitney a gentle admonition to prove she belongs here. Diana hugs Tyra, then has a group hug with the girls. Except Renee, naturally. Back at the model pad, Diana packs. She says she'll miss Whitney, and is glad Whitney gets to stick around to represent for the both of them. Diana's portfolio is... Well, let's just say they made the right choice this week. She's disappointed not to win, but promises we'll see her again. She closes by congratulating the eventual winner, so it's yet another classy exit. Rock on. Back to the Future fadeout.

Next week on America's Next Top Model: Party! Renee's gray hood is sticking around, I see. Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton will make an appearance. Ick. Jael fights with 50 Cent, falls into a pool, and yells at Renee, so it looks like a busy week for her.

Overall Grade: C