Top Chef - Season 4, Episode 11
Previously on Top Chef: The chefs looked at Lisa's terrible challenge placement record and were terrified of her cooking prowess, so someone sabotaged her rice. Either that or she just plain sucks. Not having to work on a team made Dale's competence soar, and he took the challenge win. Seeing which way the wind was blowing, Lisa sold Andrew out to the judges. His bizarre food and disdain for the challenge rules (after all, it's Top Chef 4 - Challenge Parameters Are Beneath Us!) had probably sealed his fate anyway, but it sure showed what Lisa's like when the mask falls off. It's not much different from when the mask is on. I think Lisa needs a new mask. Six chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening menu. I made a salsa with corn, black beans, onion, tomato, cilantro, lime juice, cumin, and a little oil and sugar. It turned out well, though chopping the tomato and onion took four times what the entire prep time should have taken.
5:45 AM. Ptom sneaks into the house, and rouses the chefs from their beds. Luckily, nobody's naked. Everyone groggily heads down to the kitchen, where Ptom explains today's Quickfire.
LabRat: "You all have to come clean my house."
Ptom says that they're headed to a local greasy spoon diner to work the egg station for breakfast. Spike outlines how difficult that can be, after which we hear the traditional pointless interviews about how everyone wants to win, and how there's no room for error anymore, and blah blah blah.
Quickfire. The chefs walk into a crowded diner, and Dale says that there's a line out the door. I don't get that. I can see waiting around for dinner, but rare is the mood where I'll willingly stand around for a long time so that I can pay for the pleasure of scrambled eggs. Ptom settles at the counter with coffee and a paper, pausing only to introduce the diner's owner Helene, who will be observing the chefs and selecting a winner. The chefs get to watch how the kitchen runs for a few minutes, and will then take turns working the egg station or "The Hole". Heh. Antonia and her "Yo Biotch!" shirt are up first. She makes sure to call back her orders to the waitstaff, and Helene nods her approval. She holds down the line fairly well until Helene calls time. Stephanie, holding her own in the Fuck Up Every Quickfire Mini-Competition, ruins several eggs. Richard has issues with diner lingo, though we never hear any. Lisa melts styrofoam to-go containers. Spike is flustered. Dale has a lot of orders come in at once, but manages to rise to the occasion.
Results. Helene says that it's a tough challenge, and that all the chefs did a remarkable job. Remarkable enough that no bottom people are mentioned; only the two who most impressed Helene. Those two are Antonia and Dale, and Antonia scores the win. Yay! Ptom congratulates her, and tells her that she'll have an advantage in the upcoming Elimination Challenge. We all know that it's pretty even money at this point whether an "advantage" lives up to its name, so I'll believe it when I hear it. Ptom says that he'll be attending a charity event later, and won't be present for the Elimination Challenge. Double yay! Actually, that's not entirely fair. Ptom has been pretty tolerable so far this season. He sends them on their way. I ignore some wretched, awkward product placement.
Elimination Challenge. The chefs come into a large, mostly empty room, where they're met by Padma. She informs them that tomorrow night, they'll be running their own restaurants. Hey, I thought Restaurant Wars was replaced by the wedding challenge! I guess not. I don't enjoy the Restaurant Wars challenge as much as the chefs do, but who am I to step on their excitement? The chefs will be split into two teams, and each will receive about 35 diners. They'll have $1500 for food and $5000 for decor. As the winner of the Quickfire, Antonia gets to choose the team she works with. That sounds good, although being given that choice is often fraught with peril. Antonia has now been designated the team leader whether she likes it or not, so if the team goes down, it's likely that she'll be eliminated. Yikes.
Antonia is no fool, and picks Stephanie and Richard without hesitation, leaving Dale, Lisa, and Spike stuck together again. It pleases me enormously that the chefs with the crappiest personalities keep getting thrown together and have a miserable time, never thinking to examine why things are going so poorly. Stephanie points out that this is kind of a Wedding Wars rematch. Well, rather than assign different nicknames each time like I did with that episode, let's just go with the obvious and call Antonia/Richard/Stephanie Team Winner and Spike/Dale/Lisa Team Loser. Dale thinks Team Loser will do okay, now that they've dropped the dead weight that was Nikki. Yeah, SHE was the reason you guys sucked. Keep telling yourself that.
The chefs have an hour to plan. Team Winner takes a popular route by coming up with a "fine dining food in a very relaxed atmosphere" concept. In other words, "Let's make whatever the hell we want." Team Loser is going to do Asian food, of course. Lisa says it'll be "fun, good vibe, good energy". Has she met her teammates? Has she met herself? She and Dale flip a coin to determine who will be executive chef, and Dale wins, if the duty to look after this crew of infants can be considered "winning". Lisa interviews that Dale has pissed off a lot of people, especially herself and Spike, which makes her nervous for the team. See what I mean about how these three never really examine why their teams never work? Spike says that it's time for Team Loser to pull together and be professional. And naturally, Spike is the arbiter of workplace decorum. Don't you tell your coworkers that they're little bitches?
Commercials. Watching companies try to sell cars in the middle of a economic downturn rife with soaring gas prices is sort of funny, in a morbid kind of way.
With eight hours until the restaurants open, the teams go to Whole Foods for an hour of shopping time. Antonia points out that there won't be a well-stocked Kitchen to help them out this time, so they're just buying anything that they may need. Dale grabs some rice that claims to be good for rice puddings. After they check out, it's off to Pier 1 for another hour of shopping. Spike interviews that he's taking front-of-house responsibilities for this challenge, which he says will be tough. Yeah, "tough" in the sense that nobody who's ever taken front-of-house has ever been eliminated. Nice cover, Spike. Stephanie wants to keep Team Winner's restaurant decor fairly simple, while Spike says Team Loser's buying tons of Buddhas. With five hours until service, the chefs head into the restaurant space. Stephanie seems overly confident of Team Winner's victory, which makes me nervous. Why am I so jittery tonight? Lisa and Dale can't even choose what part of the kitchen to work in without getting snippy. Antonia says that she'll be executive chef for Team Winner, with Richard as sous chef and Stephanie on front-of-house.
Each course has two options. Team Winner's first course will be a beet and goat cheese salad with ras el hanout, or some linguine with clams. The second course will be trout with cauliflower or leg of lamb with some lamb loin as well. Dessert will be Stephanie's Gorgonzola cheesecake or Richard's banana "scallops", which we've seen before. Team Loser's first course will be a choice between shrimp laksa or pork and pickled plum pot stickers. The second course will be butterscotch miso scallops or braised short ribs, and dessert will be Dale's halo-halo and a mango sticky rice. Antonia points out again that Dale is fairly incapable of anything but Asian food. Is that such a detriment, though? I'm all for being well-rounded, but if you're going to specialize, Asian food is a good way to go. It's not like it'll ever be unpopular.
Spike is busy decorating, but makes sure he has some stamp on the food. He'll be braising the short ribs, which he says doesn't take a lot of work. Team Winner discovers that they didn't buy pasta, so they have to make their own. Man, if this season weren't already subtitled "Challenge Parameters Are Beneath Us!", then "Top Chef 4 - It's Pastariffic!" would be there to snap it up. Antonia worries about getting it done on time. At this point, Anthony Bourdain strides into the kitchen, as he is taking Ptom's place for the week.
Tiffany: "Hi, I'm here to be condescending."
The chefs are appropriately nervous. Spike interviews that if anyone can identify good Asian food, it's Anthony, so that adds some pressure. Both teams present a nice, united front. Everything's going great! No problems here! Anthony comes out to give the audience his impressions, and it is here that we discover that the major problem with the Ptimewasting segment rests with Ptom. Anthony says that Team Winner has deliberately created modest expectations, which makes it that much easier to exceed them. Meanwhile, Team Loser has a more challenging menu, which means they'll either do really well or really poorly. He says that they're confident with preparing Asian food, but "Asia's big. How good can you be at all of those things?" Lisa's laksa, in particular, must meet a high expectation, but if Team Loser can pull it off, it will be a major accomplishment. So Anthony just gave us information that was pertinent, insightful, and even kind of funny. Ptom can rarely dredge up even one of the three. Can we make this replacement permanent?
Anthony walks back into the kitchen, and tells the teams that since there's so much to do, they'll each get an additional pair of hands to help them. In come Jennifer, Nikki, Mark, and Andrew. Anthony Troy McClures that the chefs may remember these guys from such shows as this one. Hehe. Antonia is thrilled to have someone to roll out Team Winner's pasta. Team Loser gets to pick first. Andrew looks as psycho as ever, and Mark looks as stoned as ever, so Team Loser snags Jenn. Nikki the Pasta Queen is, of course, welcome over at Team Winner. Mark and Andrew leave, with Mark wishing everyone luck. Anthony tells the chefs they've got three hours left, and to make good use of their time.
Back to work, scrubs! Dale's halo-halo is to be accompanied by an avocado mousse, but one of the avocados must have been off, because the mixture is brown mush, and looks disgusting. He says he'll try to fix it, and if he can't, they'll toss it off the menu. Disappointing, but simple enough, right? Yes, but this is Dale we're talking about, so setbacks aren't met with calm competence; they're met with cursing and tantrums. Team Loser's problems continue when Lisa discovers that her rice has been pulled off the heat before it's done. Maybe Lisa should just avoid rice for the rest of her time. I don't even mean her time on the show. I mean her time on Earth. So now they're both in bad moods, and Lisa says that that's all Dale's fault, because she can't be cheerful when people around her are sour. Handy. Over at Team Winner, Nikki is proving more useful than just providing another pair of hands, as she discovers a lot of grit in the clams. Richard says that they should be fine, but Nikki tests them again, and finds grit again, so Antonia decides the clams should be rewashed. She interviews that rather than squabbling over individual dishes, they're all making sure that everything is successful, so that the entire team can win. How far in life does she expect to get with that reasonable, respectful attitude? She should punch a locker or something.
Lisa asks Dale to taste her food (the laksa, I think), and he says that he's not getting any spice off of it, just smoke. Spike finds something off about it, too. The editors do a nice job of showing the contrast between the two teams by Dale's interview that it's Lisa's soup, so what does he care if it sucks, and Spike's that nobody can hold him accountable for any problems with the food. Now, that's an attitude that'll get you ahead in life! With one hour until service, some waitstaff enters. Stephanie gives them the menu, and emphasizes having a good, fun experience. She doesn't want it to be a stuffy, suit-and-tie affair. And...contrast! Spike puts on a suit and tie, and isn't wearing a hat, for once. I'm surprised he was able to resist. He sets his waiters to work on setting tables and polishing flatware. With forty-five minutes left, Lisa finds that her mango sticky rice isn't sticky. Quick quiz! Does the blame for this lie with:
a) Lisa
b) Anyone in the world except Lisa
I'll bet you can guess Lisa's answer. Yes, she was "forced into" doing the sticky rice. Huh, I guess they edited out the scene where she was beaten with sticks until she tearfully agreed to take that on. Dale comes up with a suggestion to fold in a pastry cream to make the rice stickier, but when she does that, it turns out like mush. Dale tells her to throw it in a pot (and heat it, presumably) to season it. Time begins to wind down. Everyone makes final preparations. The doors open, and diners begin to flood in. Stephanie pastes a generic hey-there-how-can-I-help-you smile on her face.
Commercials. If you don't eat soy bars, how will you ever master the jump rope?
Stephanie seats some diners. Antonia interviews that historically, all teams have some disaster befall them in this challenge. It never goes entirely well for anyone. Spike hopes his underdog team can come from behind. I hope they fail miserably, and all three of them are eliminated. The judges head to Team Winner's side first. Padma introduces the judges. Along with herself and Anthony, Ted is again stepping in for Gail (boo!), and this week's guest judge is Jose Andres, a chef from Spain who will soon have a show on PBS. I love Spanish food; I may have to check that out. Antonia and Richard hop to get the judges' food ready in a hurry. Ted is pissy before he even takes a bite. My patience with him has almost entirely run out, especially because from what little I've read, the contestants have far more food and cooking credentials than him. Anyway, Stephanie serves and explains the first course. The beet salad looks kind of strange, but I've always had kind of a roller coaster relationship with beets, so I'm not the best judge. The linguine and clams comes with some sausage and a horseradish creme fraiche. The judges like everything more than they expected to, and the regular diners enjoy it as well.
The next course is the trout with cauliflower and the two kinds of lamb. The presentation is lovely, which the judges note. They also like all the flavors. Can it be? Could a team actually pull off a successful Restaurant Wars menu? Only dessert will tell. Stephanie brings out the savory Gorgonzola cheesecake with a sweet potato puree and a concord grape sauce. Richard's banana "scallops" are served with a banana guacamole and chocolate ice cream. I'd really like to try both of those dishes. Although the brown, poopy smear of chocolate on the plate doesn't appeal to the judges, the flavors do, and they also give points for difficulty in combining a sweet and savory dessert. Go Team Winner! The judges head over to Team Loser.
Panny: "Oh, this is going to be one nightmare after another."
Spike seats the judges, and silently endures their barbs about the purple napkins. Lisa frets over her crappy laksa. Dale yells at the waiters to take out the food, then calls them assholes when they go. Wouldn't you love to work for him? Spike presents the spicy coconut shrimp laksa (in very pretty bowls, I must say), and the pork and pickled plum pot stickers. The pot stickers get a good review, but the laksa is too smoky, just as Dale said it was. Spike comes back to the kitchen long enough to whine about the portion size of the short rib. After Lisa and Dale shoo him out, Dale calls him a fucking idiot. Seriously, the line to have Dale as your boss forms at the left. Hey, where's everyone going? The short ribs look good. They're served with pickled red cabbage and an apple basil salad. The butterscotch miso scallops are served with spicy eggplant and some pickled long beans. The butterscotch sauce is not a hit with either the judges or the diners.
Dale asks a mild question about Lisa's rice, and she snaps at him for seemingly no reason. Let's stick to calling Dale an asshole when he's actually being one, please. It's not like you'll have to wait too long for the opportunity. In fact, it takes approximately two seconds, as he begins yelling at Spike and the waiters again. Lisa hates Dale. Dale hates Lisa. Everyone hates both of them. Spike brings out dessert. The halo-halo looks like wheat germ juice. The mango sticky rice has toasted coconut on top. The judges say the halo-halo comes across as predictable, but successful. "Compared to this atrocity," Padma says, holding up the sticky rice. I think she may be drunk. Nobody likes it at all. Anthony calls it "baby vomit with wood chips". The diners agree that Team Loser's dessert sucked. Some noses are wrinkled in disgust. They fill out comment cards for both teams, which the judges will take into account. The chefs try to schmooze the diners for compliments. Jennifer tells Dale she hopes she was helpful. Well, I doubt she could have made this team any worse, so there's that. Spike says that Team Loser's diners didn't hear any hint of the turmoil in the kitchen, and loved everything. He then immediately goes on to say that both Dale and Lisa suck. In other words "We should totally win! But if we don't, it's not my fault!"
Commercials. Is it me, or is Bravo's lineup getting worse by the season? Once Project Runway jumps ship, what's left besides this show?
Judges' Table. The teams toast each other. Padma comes back to the Kitchen, and summons Team Winner to the table. The front of Richard's faux-hawk is pushed back, and he looks even loopier than usual. Team Winner is unsurprisingly declared victorious. Even Anthony was very impressed by the team's comportment and performance. Jose gets to announce this week's individual winner, and he chooses Stephanie, which I said in the short version was weird. I was thinking it was odd that the front-of-house person would win a challenge based on food, but since the judges saw her pasta and her cheesecake as standouts, it makes sense now. She wins two tickets to a culinary and wine tasting tour in Barcelona. Oh, snap! I've been there, but was horribly sick the whole time, and never got to enjoy it properly. Back in the Kitchen, Stephanie gives everyone on Team Loser a good-luck hug before they head to their doom.
Odd Asian music. Actually, I guess the Asian music makes total sense this week! OK, so... Asian music. Gong. Team Loser lines up, the expression on their faces showing that they're ready for battle, or at least a big hissyfit. Padma makes the remark that "a lot of the diners considered you the weaker team in this challenge". That sounds pretty fishy to me, like the comments were pretty evenly spread, and they're trying to bury it in semantics. I think it's great that this team lost, but don't see why the judges can't just say so. Asked who picked the ugly napkins, Spike says it was all three of them. Ah. So Spike, who earlier tried to wriggle out of any responsibility for anything not front-of-house related, is now trying to wriggle out of front-of-house related problems as well. He's hilarious, and not in the way he thinks he is. Anthony makes a good point when he says that the upscale decor only added to Team Loser's problems, as it suggested a place where a greasy dumpling is unforgivable, rather than a place where a greasy dumpling would be a delight.
The judges go on to excoriate the food. Dale takes responsibility for the butterscotch sauce, and admits that it was too sweet. Lisa takes responsibility for the laksa, and admits that it was too smoky. My hopes that these obnoxious freaks might actually act like adults this week rise. Except for Spike, of course, who's now busily explaining that his laksa is way better than Stupid Lisa Garbargeface's. Dale is asked where he was in this whole laksa process, and he says that he doesn't know laksa at all, and trusted his teammates to know what they were doing. That's a reasonable response, but the judges go back to that annoying argument they love so, which is that the executive chef is automatically to blame for anything going wrong. Asked about the relative highlight of the braised short ribs, the three chefs babble for a while before it's settled that they were Spike's recipe, but that Lisa and Dale actually made them.
Now, to the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad sticky rice. Here is where my hopes for a mature Judges' Table go up in flames. Lisa says she's never made sticky rice before, and that Dale selected the rice that went into it. This sparks a huge fight about whether he did or did not select the rice (he did), but neither of them seems to get that the kind of rice that went into this crap dessert isn't particularly germane to why it failed. After Dale and Lisa fight again, some more, FOREVER, Anthony intervenes. Jose is disgusted by the way they're acting, saying that these attitudes are not what this business is about. He then completely nails Spike for shrewdly choosing front-of-house duties to keep himself out of the line of fire. There's some talk about whether Dale, as executive chef, should have been able to keep a tighter rein on Lisa. I don't really buy that, just as I didn't when Lee Anne was blamed for not keeping control of Stephen. Trying to boss Lisa around would have made the experience even worse. They throw trite cliches at each other. The chefs are dismissed.
Deliberations. Team Loser was obviously working at cross-purposes from the very start. Spike is nothing to write home about, but did his job properly. I guess his tendency to ignore food and focus on the game actually paid off for once. Dale's butterscotch sauce was horrible. Lisa screwed up both of her dishes, and can't accept a word of criticism. Back in the Kitchen, Lisa and Spike snipe about Dale in whispers, and he crabs for them to just come out and say it. In the next sentence, he pretends not to care, and tells them they can whisper all they want. Convincing. And drop the fucking "street" gestures, please. You're about as intimidating as a Hello Kitty backpack full of daisies. The judges make a decision.
Commercials. Oh, I was wrong about the Bravo awards show giving out awards to other Bravo shows. So, it's not completely ridiculous. Just unnecessary.
Elimination. None of the chefs stepped up to the challenges of running a restaurant. Dale fell down on leadership, and his scallop dish was disgusting. Lisa made horrible food. Spike avoided trouble, whether by guile or luck. And with that, it's over to Padma for the chopping. I expect Lisa to go. The rest of the viewing party expects Lisa to go. Various plant life in Sweden expects Lisa to go. I begin to make an "L" in my notebook. Dale. Please pack your knives and go. Whaaaaaaaaa? Listen, I'm no fan of Dale's. I'd do a cartwheel right now if there were enough room, pleased as punch that I won't have to put up with this annoying twat anymore. But really? Dale over Lisa? I think in this challenge, it should really boil down to overall potential. Dale fucked up some food and has a terrible attitude. Lisa fucked up some food and has a terrible attitude. Dale failed to maintain a good line of communication with "his sous chef". Lisa failed to treat her "boss" with the proper respect. Based on the challenge alone, either one of them would be ripe for elimination, so why not cut the one whose food is consistently bad? What a strange choice.
Dale thanks the judges, but I'm not going to buy any pretense of class from someone who works overtime at being unpleasant. The chefs on Team Winner are just as shocked as everyone else to hear of Dale's elimination. In his final interview, he says he's happy with who he is, and tears up as he admits that he has trouble saying good-bye, though he manages one for everyone except his sworn enemy. He says he's made some bad decisions, but that doesn't make him a bad chef. No, he's probably a good chef. He's just a shitty human being.
P.S. - Anthony Bourdain's blog entry about this episode is worth reading. I agree with almost all of his points, except that chef personality clearly enters into decisions. Maybe not in this case, but if you look at the personas of the competitors and the order of elimination in all four seasons, you could practically plot most episodes' outcomes on a graph.
Overall Grade: B
Monday, May 26, 2008
Monday, May 19, 2008
Serve and Protect
Top Chef - Season 4, Episode 10
Previously on Top Chef: Team Awesome appeared to have the goods and dispositions to completely demolish Team Crappy, but in a dramatic twist... That's exactly what happened. Dale spent the episode needing a pacifier and a nap. The chefs and Andrew's culinary boner catered a wedding, and when Nikki didn't step up to take charge of the Italian menu, no amount of her teammates' mistakes and arguments could save her. Seven chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening menu. A veggie platter, a plate of cheese that lasted four seconds once LabRat set his sights on it, ginger snaps (store-bought, yes, but still an amazingly comforting food), and some much-needed sparkling white that Kender was good enough to share.
A time-lapse morning comes to Chicago. Stephanie plucks her eyebrows, and we learn that Richard wears pink crocs. No need to call his sexuality into question; just his taste. Everyone's still pretty tired from the all-night wedding challenge. Spike, talking about Dale, interviews the same point I've made countless times in this blog -- having an "I'm not here to make friends" attitude is fairly pointless and likely to haunt you at some point. Dale doesn't much care about what the others think. You know, except when he'd like them to help him with his work. Andrew is the only one who isn't worn down at this point. He's still a big 'ol bag of crazy, interviewing that he's ready to either stab someone or make some amazing food. Oh, why limit yourself? Those things aren't mutually exclusive! The chefs head out for the day.
Quickfire Challenge. The chefs come into the Kitchen, where they're met by Padma and Season 2 contestant Sam. Antonia dutifully interviews about how good-looking he is. I imagine we're supposed to forget about how that attractive shell surrounds a passive-aggressive, shit-starting, screaming bully. Hey, producers... Remember how everyone hated the second season? Remember how you didn't even have a reunion show, because you rightly guessed that nobody wanted to watch yet ANOTHER hour of a gang of assholes piling on an annoying-but-harmless guy? Let me offer this hint to you, completely free of charge: The best way to put that behind you is to let the twats who competed that season sink back into obscurity where they belong.
At any rate, Sam will be the guest judge for the week, because being a pretty sack of personality flaws doesn't mean you can't cook. Plus, he's diabetic, which figures into the challenges. For the Quickfire, the chefs will be making a dish that has "fallen on some hard times". The salad. Fallen on some hard times, my ass. Every eatery, from the finest restaurant to the corner coffee shop to the fast food greasebomb on the interstate serves them these days. Not that it's always quality food, but everyone recognizes their worth. If anything, I'd say we're almost in a Golden Age for salads. The chefs know that making a good and interesting salad can be just as difficult as making a good and interesting entree. They've got forty-five minutes to create a new and "sexy" salad. The fact that the producers are trying to punch this challenge up by nonsensically adding "sexy" to it is embarrassing for them, and I'll do them the favor of not mentioning it again. Padma starts the clock, and Andrew and Spike go from zero to running almost instantly. Impressive.
Spike says that Quickfires aren't his forte. Don't sell yourself short, Spike. Looking at your challenge record, I'd say that Elimination Challenges aren't your forte, either. He throws some meat on the grill. Richard's doing a take on ceviche. Lisa disdains the simplicity of other people's salads. She goes on to say that some other people don't belong here, as they're not great chefs, and their personalities suck ass. The camera helpfully jumps over to Dale. Eh, I don't disagree, but since Sam is judging this week, I wouldn't count on someone with a sucky personality being dinged for it. I'm sure Lisa herself will continue to be a ray of joy and friendliness. Stephanie concentrates on autumnal flavors. Antonia works on a spinach salad with poached egg and bacon. Yum. She notes that Lisa is using lobster, and interviews that Lisa is stronger competition than Antonia originally pegged her as. Time winds down. Chefs run to and fro. When time runs out, Stephanie realizes that she forgot to put her artichoke chip on the plate. Geez. I can tell she's one of the more talented chefs, but could she suck harder at Quickfires?
Padma and Sam go down the line. Andrew has made a Thai fruit salad with mango, strawberry, raspberry, and Sriracha dressing with lime juice and sugar. Sam says the Sriracha has a nice flavor. Spike's plate is a mess, but sounds tasty. It includes skirt steak, pineapple, radish, cucumber, and greens. Lisa has grilled squid and lobster tail, and put them into a salad that also has banana and grapefruit yuzu vinaigrette. Now, I love squid, I love lobster, and I love bananas. Together, though? It sounds pretty nasty. All Padma and Sam can taste is the banana. Stephanie's "fall duet" is poached pear and artichokes with a pear vinaigrette. She mentions the missing artichoke chips that should be on top. I would have just pretended they never existed, and hoped for the best. I doubt one scores a lot of points for forthrightness, at least in the Quickfire.
Antonia presents her spinach salad with poached egg, wild mushrooms, sunchokes, bacon vinaigrette, and squash blossoms. I withdraw my "yum" until those mushrooms are removed. The egg bursts into glorious yolk gore when it's cut, which is the perfect way to eat poached eggs. Sam says it has great flavor. Richard calls his salad "fresh and clean", and it looks like a plate of rabbit food. Salads like this are why people make fun of vegetarians. All we hear about it is that it's a ceviche of various fruits and vegetables. Dale has made a poached chicken salad (which is in quotes for some reason -- is it or isn't it a poached chicken salad?) with nori paste, mirin, sake, and rice wine vinegar. It's pretty. Sam tells him that he's successfully avoided the pitfall of overdrying the poached chicken.
Results. First in the bottom three is Richard, whose salad needed acid. Next is Stephanie, who didn't plate all her food, and whose vinaigrette was lacking. Last in the bottom three is Lisa, and I owe Stephanie a bit of an apology, for while she's not good in Quickfires, Lisa's even worse. Her salad was all banana. First in the top three is Spike, who had a well-balanced, flavorful salad. Antonia's salad had great texture. Dale's use of nori was inspired. Pissy shot of Lisa. Padma asks who Sam has selected as the Quickfire winner, and he chooses Spike. Spike is pleased to score his first Quickfire win, even though he doesn't get immunity. Padma tells him he'll get a significant advantage in the Elimination Challenge. Oh, an "advantage"? What, does he get to choose which car he'll ride over to the store in?
Elimination Challenge. Padma and Sam bring in a tray of greasy food, like burgers and onion rings. Lisa describes this, but sheepishly admits that she's kind of craving it now. See, I wish we saw more of that Lisa. When she's not devoting herself to being a cranky witch, she can be kind of awesome. Richard just concentrates on how this is going to figure into the challenge. Padma says that obesity is a big problem in America. It certainly doesn't help me find a seat on the train. Move over, fatass. Sam says that as a diabetic, it can be tough to find flavorful food that's low in carbs and sugar. The greasy food shown is a typical lunch order for Chicago's finest, and Padma tells them that their challenge this week will be to create a gourmet boxed lunch for policemen. The chefs must all use a whole grain, a lean protein, a fruit, and a vegetable. As winner of the Quickfire, Spike gets a ten-minute head start on the shopping. Not only that, but the ingredients he chooses to fulfill the four requirements may not be used by any other chef. He is, of course, delighted at another opportunity to be a rapscallion, because in case the hats didn't tip you off, image is very important to him. Stephanie knows that he's going to screw everyone else over, but Andrew doesn't care, saying that his background in nutrition will pull him through.
Commercials. Go discover the "original" flavors at Qdoba. They're the only Mexican eatery that would ever think of stuff like cheese, flour tortillas, and tomatoes.
Whole Foods. Spike begins his ten-minute head start. Since he so enjoys being delightfully naughty, his strategy is to select ingredients that will screw over his competition the hardest. Not that I'm against creating obstacles for your competitors -- it's certainly fair in this case -- but you'd think he'd at least put a modicum of thought into what he's going to, you know, COOK. He does not. He selects chicken breast, bread, lettuce, and tomato as his four components. These are obviously Everyman kinds of ingredients, and will force the other chefs to be that much more creative. Antonia, once again speaking from within my brain, says that Spike's ingredient choices make her think that he hasn't put a lot of thought into his own dish. Spike pats himself on the back for being so devious, failing to notice the giant banner reading "Pride Goeth Before..." that may as well be hanging above the door. Andrew disdains the idea that he'd use such dumbed-down ingredients anyway, though he certainly doesn't put it past his competitors.
So now everyone has half an hour and $175 to shop. Stephanie admits she was thinking of doing something with chicken and tomatoes, and now has to rethink her plan. Her new plan apparently involves feeling up the phallic squash. Lisa's Plan B revolves around stir-fry, and she grabs some shrimp. Richard wants to do a play on a burrito with bok choy and tuna. Andrew plays up his nutritional background again. Know what he doesn't have a strong background in? Listening to challenge parameters. Er...spoiler!
The next morning, the chefs get started on their two hours of preparations. Stephanie explains that the police officers will be in charge of microwaving their own food; the chefs just need to hand everything over with instructions. Antonia works on curried beef with jasmine and brown rice, and a grapefruit salad. She recalls that she's been doing well with healthy cooking challenges, and is confident she's in good shape. Andrew is whipping together a sushi roll, but instead of rice, he's combining parsnip and pine nuts. The rest will be raw salmon and lots of vegetables. He wants to show everyone else who The Man is. If it's The Man Who Never Listens to the Challenge Parameters, he can set up a little tent, and start charging five cents admission right now. Stephanie wonders how a few bites of sushi is going to be a hearty, fulfilling lunch.
Dale makes some lettuce cups that are really cabbage, neatly circumventing Spike's obstacle. His protein is bison meat, which he's preparing in a Vietnamese style. He explains that bison has fifty percent less fat and cholesterol than beef. Good to know. Antonia sniffs that Dale can only make Asian food. Lisa says her dish with be mainly vegetables, with the shrimp thrown into a shrimp/pineapple soy sauce. She starts her brown rice early, saying that it takes a long time. Andrew admonishes Lisa about the high cholesterol in shrimp. Lisa, who is no slouch herself in the "Top Chef 4 - Challenge Parameters Are Beneath Us!" motif of the season, proves she's learned something by pointing out that the challenge specifically calls for low carbs and low fat, but says nothing about cholesterol. She doesn't want to be on the chopping block for good food/bad idea again, so she's trying to be careful.
Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste. Stephanie explains her mushroom/leek soup with meatballs, saying nothing about the squash she's stirring. Lisa's throwing some edamame into her stir-fry, and asks if Ptom dares to try her hot sauce. He dares, and from the look on his face, this sauce is no joke in the heat department. Spike is making chicken salad. We don't hear much about it, so I don't know how it differs from an ordinary, run-of-the-mill chicken salad anyone could whip together in twenty minutes. Richard is throwing rice, lentils, tuna, and quinoa into his faux burritos. After telling everyone to start boxing their food, Ptom tells us that everyone seems focused, and nobody wants to be eliminated. Fascinating.
With a little less than half an hour left, Lisa suddenly discovers that the burner under her brown rice has been turned up to high. This makes the outside burnt and the inside raw. She firmly believes that she's been sabotaged. Stephanie and Dale aren't buying, interviewing that someone, possibly Lisa herself, just made a mistake. I don't pretend to know for sure, but I'm with them. As with shady dealings in the past, if this truly was intentional sabotage, I find it odd that none of the four hundred bazillion cameras caught a glimpse of it. Besides, I find it hard to believe that people are very threatened by Lisa. Tonight's Quickfire is the sixth challenge in a row she's been at the bottom of. Not exactly a force to be reckoned with, there. She tries to salvage the rice by putting some cooking liquid on it, hoping that the microwave takes care of the rest. Time begins to wind down. Dale nearly eats it tripping over a trashcan. Spike drops a knife. People rush to put things in coolers. Spike drops more knives. Does he have an inner ear infection? Everyone wheels their coolers out, Richard's fugly pink crocs bringing up the rear.
Commercials. Watch a Bravo awards show in which Bravo gives awards to...shows on Bravo.
Police academy. Training montage. One female recruit is terrible at push-ups. The chefs pull up, and we hear what the challenge entails for like the third time. They enter the cafeteria, and have a few minutes to set up their stuff and write descriptive labels about the food and how to heat it up, if necessary. Lisa frets over her rice. Uniformed officers stride in. I fruitlessly scan for hot ones. Cops line up at the tables, and the chefs explain what they've made. Richard cheeses it up by asking everyone who approaches his table if they like burritos. He interviews something unimportant, which I only bring up to point out that he's wearing a hairband at the front of his faux-hawk, which makes him look like this. Spike makes fun of Richard's gimmick. Spike himself would never stoop to something so weak and obvious. Except that he sets out his boxed lunches two at a time, trying to make it appear like they're in demand. Ooh, what a rapscallion! Cops chow down.
Stephanie gives the judges (including Ted instead of Gail -- boo!) her mushroom and meatball soup with barley, a squash and celery root vegetable puree, and some yogurt. The cops and judges enjoy it. Spike gives Padma his chicken salad. The bread, tomato, and lettuce are all on the side, so they're unessential to the chicken salad itself, which combines grapes, olives, and jicama, but leaves out the mayo. A cop likes it, but the judges are unimpressed with how pedestrian it is, and how Spike didn't really use three of his four components. Dale hands out his lemongrass bison cabbage wrap with brown rice and an herb salad. That sounds good; I love lemongrass. Ted thinks it could use some heat, but likes it overall. Antonia gives two officers her curry beef with filet mignon, jasmine rice, berries, figs, and grape syrup. I'd be curious to try that. Padma heartily enjoys the flavors. Sam agrees in a deadpan monotone.
Andrew gives Ted a dish with four lonely little sushi bites in it. As mentioned before, it's a salmon roll with a parsnip/pine nut "rice", and some pickled ginger with wasabi. Food tidbit for you: Wasabi apparently helps fight tooth decay. Cue "The More You Know" star. The cops and judges find it strange and messy. Padma notes that Andrew didn't use any whole grain, as was stipulated in the rules. Top Chef 4 - Challenge Parameters Are Beneath Us! Richard asks Sam his stock question about liking burritos. Spike smirks. Richard gives Sam a grilled tuna burrito with lentils and quinoa wrapped in a rice paper tortilla. There is some hot sauce and fresh lime on the side.
Limecrete: "That looks really good."
Tiffany: "I don't know, I've never really been a big fan of tuna."
Limecrete: "That's not what I've heard."
Everyone enjoys the burrito, including an officer of indeterminate... Well... I mean, I feel entitled to make fun of the chefs all I want, as they signed up for the experience of being dissected and ridiculed. But I don't want to be too harsh with random people who find themselves on the show, unless they bring it on themselves. So it is with no judgment that I say that the person nodding their approval over the burrito isn't easily labeled, gender-wise. Ptom gets Lisa's stir-fry, which aside from the shrimp and brown rice, has some berries and yogurt on the side. Padma immediately picks up on the undercooked rice. A cop remarks on the incredibly spicy sauce, but covers his manliness by insisting that it's very good. His equally manly friend agrees that the spice isn't overpowering. The camera cuts away, and the two of them fall to floor in the fetal position. OK, not really. I'm just trying to wring some entertainment out of this. The police take their leave, and the chefs are right behind them, speculating about their chances. Dale doesn't think there's a clear winner and loser, as there has been in past challenges. The judges remain in the cafeteria to deliberate, and already seem to have their favorites and least favorites picked out.
Commercials. Guy's Face: "Thanks for the tip about these new phones. Now get off my property."
Fret 'n' sweat. As Lisa talks about her rice issues, Andrew finally catches the snap that he didn't include a whole grain, as he was supposed to. Padma enters, and summons Dale and Stephanie to Judges' Table. Obviously, these two had the favorites of the judges, though I wonder why they didn't pick a third. Dale says he wanted to make something satisfying. Ptom thinks he did a great job with texture and flavor. Stephanie says she's fairly unfamiliar with barley, but is happy with the way her soup came out. Ted says that seasoning has been a problem in some chefs' food, but that Stephanie's was done very well. Sam gets to announce the week's winner, who had the more substantial and unique food. That winner is Dale, who gets a bottle of wine and two tickets to visit the winery where it's made.
LabRat: "Why does he need two tickets? He won't find anyone who wants to go with him."
Dale smiles and thanks the judges. He's not my favorite crayon in the box, but that dish of his today certainly did look good. He's happy with his challenge track record of five wins in twenty challenges. He does not mention the five of twenty challenges in which he's been at the bottom or at least on a losing team. Padma asks him to send out this week's losers. Unsurprisingly, it's Spike, Lisa, and Andrew, so make that seven challenges in a row that Lisa's blown.
Odd Asian music. Gong. The three losing chefs trudge in, and if I had to guess, I'd say that no matter who gets chopped tonight, the other two are ripe for elimination within the next two weeks, anyway. That would leave a final four of Antonia, Stephanie, Richard, and Dale. Makes sense, doesn't it? That's my bet. I'm putting my chips down on the table. Padma asks Andrew if his dish was substantial enough for a hearty lunch. He thinks it was, given the amount of nutrients that went into it. He explains it fairly well, but slips when he says the roll would hold people for at least three hours. Ptom points out that three hours after lunch, people are still at work, and if they're hungry, that's the point that they're reaching for a candy bar. Andrew reveals that in addition to missing the whole grain part of the challenge, he missed the "hearty" part as well. I think he was just busy listening to the merry tune that plays in his head at all times.
Ted twists the knife further, asking if a raw sushi roll is relatable enough to people used to eating burgers and such. That's a little much. They're cops, not cavemen. I don't think they'd run away screaming at the sight of sushi. Andrew, starting to lose his cool, says that he'd rather serve something new that expands horizons, rather than something reminiscent of a burger. He wants to serve the "most healthiest" dish ever. You know, after the "literally buried in spinach" last week, I don't even have the strength. The consensus is that Andrew favored health to the detriment of flavor, and when he says that people came back for more, Ptom gripes that it was because they hadn't gotten enough food the first time.
Spike is asked why he did chicken salad, and instead of the honest answer ("It was the only thing I could make with the ingredients I cockblocked from the other chefs"), he blathers something about how much he likes it and how accessible it is, cribbing off the criticism of Andrew's food. What's hilarious about Spike is how he always thinks he's outsmarting the other chefs at every turn, and more often than not, winds up shooting himself in the foot, learning nothing in the process. It's like watching Wile E. Coyote fall off the same cliff every week. It's not that I expect him to graciously step aside and let his competitors win; I just think if he kept his eyes on his own paper more often, he'd do better on the test. When specifically asked if he picked his components to be to his advantage or to disadvantage everyone else, he out-and-out lies and says it was for his own advantage. The big problem wasn't even the non-use of his required components, but the combination of grapes and olives, which Ptom didn't like. Spike, just as in Block Party, blames us uncultured hicks, saying that we'd be perfectly content with the flavor combination, even if Ptom's astronomically gifted palate wasn't. You can assume my eyes are rolling so hard as to almost evacuate my head during this entire segment. Ptom says that four dishes were unquestionably better than Spike's, and Spike chooses the least successful response he possibly could, saying that that's Ptom's opinion. Ptom duhs that his opinion is kind of what counts in this competition.
Lisa is asked why she thinks she's at the losers' table, and she sneers that the judges may as well tell her, as they're the ones that brought her here. Yeah, at this point, I'd be perfectly happy with cutting all three of these people and moving on. Ptom tells her that her stir-fry wasn't really much of a stir-fry, and that several things on her plate were undercooked. The rice is mentioned, though it's far from the only thing criticized. It is, however, the only thing Lisa has a hope of defending, so she spins her sabotage theory. That theory is never resolved, so make of it what you will. Ptom reiterates that even if it were so, her food's problems extended beyond the rice.
Padma asks if anyone has anything more to say, and this where Lisa's bitch star goes supernova. She turns Andrew in for not using a whole grain. Now, we know the judges already know about that, but the chefs don't. So Lisa's accusation has nothing to do with wanting to abide by challenge rules. She's just desperately trying to dig her way out of trouble by burying someone else. And as with Spike, I don't expect the chefs to let other people win, but the way you win is by cooking good food; not by use of underhanded tricks. I know Sam knows what I'm talking about. Ass. The judges are already down on Andrew for a multitude of reasons. He's firmly in the bottom three. I'm not saying it's unfair for Lisa to have brought this up, just mighty distasteful. The judges do ask Andrew why he didn't use a whole grain, and he stupidly says he lost his rule sheet. See why Lisa's attack was so unnecessary? Andrew's got enough rope to tie his own noose and have enough left over to moor a fleet of sailboats. Lisa tries to play the integrity card, which... No. She says he would have done the same to her, which he denies. I believe him. He may be kind of psycho, but dirty tricks aren't really his style. The chefs are dismissed.
Back in the Kitchen, Andrew tries to psych Lisa out by staring all cuckoo-eyed at her, but only succeeds in psyching out Antonia. He climbs to the wrong moral high-ground, whining that Lisa selling him out is poor repayment for his friendly warning about the high cholesterol content of her shrimp. He's really reaching, as the judges never took issue with the cholesterol of her food, and as Lisa said, it's not particularly germane to the challenge. There's some tiresome blather about "shows me who you are" and "we're in a competition", and it's nothing you haven't heard a hundred times before. The judges deliberate. Ptom says that sabotage is not a legitimate excuse for Lisa, which I'm sorry, is bullshit. I don't think it was sabotage in this case, but if someone did intentionally ruin another chef's food, the victimized chef should not be penalized. And frankly, I doubt they would be, lest the show open itself up to a lawsuit. Thankfully for the judges, there was plenty else to hate about Lisa's food. Spike didn't use his ingredients, and spent so much time worrying about the game that he forgot about the food. Andrew didn't use a whole grain, and even if he had, he essentially ignored the challenge to make whatever he wanted.
More tiresome fighting in the Kitchen. Andrew brings up the bus metaphor for the second time this episode. Seriously, with the buses. He does bring up the good point that Lisa has some nerve being all judgmental about his food when she's trying to hide behind a weak "sabotaged rice" excuse. The judges make a decision, which for some reason, Padma feels the need to announce is unanimous. Neato. Andrew tells Lisa he hopes the audience gets to see how she just acted. Wish granted.
Commercials. Who needs men when you can fellate a sandwich? Right, creepy bowl-cut lady?
Elimination. All three of these chefs suck. Ptom grants that the challenge wasn't easy. He makes a weak food police pun I'll do him the favor of not exploring. Andrew didn't provide anything delicious or of substance. Spike didn't use his ingredients, and had a weird, off-putting flavor profile. Lisa should be omniscient, and said she had a stir-fry, when what she really had was a plate of steamed vegetables. He gives it over to Padma for the chopping. Andrew. Please pack your knives and go. He tells the judges that there will be no need for security guards this time.
LabRat: "They've probably got them there, anyway."
He thanks the judges, and says that he will leave with honor. Honor is one of those things you cannot praise yourself for, like modesty and class. He's almost hushed as he goes, saying that he doesn't have any problems with anyone else, as he's not going to talk to most of them again, anyway. Subtle. He says he and Spike will be BFF forever and that Lisa's weak. Yep, full of honor, that one. Lisa gets the rare interjection interview, in which she says he deserves to go for not following the rules. Of course, by that logic, Lisa should have been eliminated three weeks ago. Andrew gets some good-bye hugs in the Kitchen. Spike whines that he doesn't have any buddies left in the house. I struggle to care, and fail. Andrew proudly says that he's never been one to stick to the rules. Guess we don't have to mourn your elimination, then. See ya, Looney Tunes.
Overall Grade: C
Previously on Top Chef: Team Awesome appeared to have the goods and dispositions to completely demolish Team Crappy, but in a dramatic twist... That's exactly what happened. Dale spent the episode needing a pacifier and a nap. The chefs and Andrew's culinary boner catered a wedding, and when Nikki didn't step up to take charge of the Italian menu, no amount of her teammates' mistakes and arguments could save her. Seven chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening menu. A veggie platter, a plate of cheese that lasted four seconds once LabRat set his sights on it, ginger snaps (store-bought, yes, but still an amazingly comforting food), and some much-needed sparkling white that Kender was good enough to share.
A time-lapse morning comes to Chicago. Stephanie plucks her eyebrows, and we learn that Richard wears pink crocs. No need to call his sexuality into question; just his taste. Everyone's still pretty tired from the all-night wedding challenge. Spike, talking about Dale, interviews the same point I've made countless times in this blog -- having an "I'm not here to make friends" attitude is fairly pointless and likely to haunt you at some point. Dale doesn't much care about what the others think. You know, except when he'd like them to help him with his work. Andrew is the only one who isn't worn down at this point. He's still a big 'ol bag of crazy, interviewing that he's ready to either stab someone or make some amazing food. Oh, why limit yourself? Those things aren't mutually exclusive! The chefs head out for the day.
Quickfire Challenge. The chefs come into the Kitchen, where they're met by Padma and Season 2 contestant Sam. Antonia dutifully interviews about how good-looking he is. I imagine we're supposed to forget about how that attractive shell surrounds a passive-aggressive, shit-starting, screaming bully. Hey, producers... Remember how everyone hated the second season? Remember how you didn't even have a reunion show, because you rightly guessed that nobody wanted to watch yet ANOTHER hour of a gang of assholes piling on an annoying-but-harmless guy? Let me offer this hint to you, completely free of charge: The best way to put that behind you is to let the twats who competed that season sink back into obscurity where they belong.
At any rate, Sam will be the guest judge for the week, because being a pretty sack of personality flaws doesn't mean you can't cook. Plus, he's diabetic, which figures into the challenges. For the Quickfire, the chefs will be making a dish that has "fallen on some hard times". The salad. Fallen on some hard times, my ass. Every eatery, from the finest restaurant to the corner coffee shop to the fast food greasebomb on the interstate serves them these days. Not that it's always quality food, but everyone recognizes their worth. If anything, I'd say we're almost in a Golden Age for salads. The chefs know that making a good and interesting salad can be just as difficult as making a good and interesting entree. They've got forty-five minutes to create a new and "sexy" salad. The fact that the producers are trying to punch this challenge up by nonsensically adding "sexy" to it is embarrassing for them, and I'll do them the favor of not mentioning it again. Padma starts the clock, and Andrew and Spike go from zero to running almost instantly. Impressive.
Spike says that Quickfires aren't his forte. Don't sell yourself short, Spike. Looking at your challenge record, I'd say that Elimination Challenges aren't your forte, either. He throws some meat on the grill. Richard's doing a take on ceviche. Lisa disdains the simplicity of other people's salads. She goes on to say that some other people don't belong here, as they're not great chefs, and their personalities suck ass. The camera helpfully jumps over to Dale. Eh, I don't disagree, but since Sam is judging this week, I wouldn't count on someone with a sucky personality being dinged for it. I'm sure Lisa herself will continue to be a ray of joy and friendliness. Stephanie concentrates on autumnal flavors. Antonia works on a spinach salad with poached egg and bacon. Yum. She notes that Lisa is using lobster, and interviews that Lisa is stronger competition than Antonia originally pegged her as. Time winds down. Chefs run to and fro. When time runs out, Stephanie realizes that she forgot to put her artichoke chip on the plate. Geez. I can tell she's one of the more talented chefs, but could she suck harder at Quickfires?
Padma and Sam go down the line. Andrew has made a Thai fruit salad with mango, strawberry, raspberry, and Sriracha dressing with lime juice and sugar. Sam says the Sriracha has a nice flavor. Spike's plate is a mess, but sounds tasty. It includes skirt steak, pineapple, radish, cucumber, and greens. Lisa has grilled squid and lobster tail, and put them into a salad that also has banana and grapefruit yuzu vinaigrette. Now, I love squid, I love lobster, and I love bananas. Together, though? It sounds pretty nasty. All Padma and Sam can taste is the banana. Stephanie's "fall duet" is poached pear and artichokes with a pear vinaigrette. She mentions the missing artichoke chips that should be on top. I would have just pretended they never existed, and hoped for the best. I doubt one scores a lot of points for forthrightness, at least in the Quickfire.
Antonia presents her spinach salad with poached egg, wild mushrooms, sunchokes, bacon vinaigrette, and squash blossoms. I withdraw my "yum" until those mushrooms are removed. The egg bursts into glorious yolk gore when it's cut, which is the perfect way to eat poached eggs. Sam says it has great flavor. Richard calls his salad "fresh and clean", and it looks like a plate of rabbit food. Salads like this are why people make fun of vegetarians. All we hear about it is that it's a ceviche of various fruits and vegetables. Dale has made a poached chicken salad (which is in quotes for some reason -- is it or isn't it a poached chicken salad?) with nori paste, mirin, sake, and rice wine vinegar. It's pretty. Sam tells him that he's successfully avoided the pitfall of overdrying the poached chicken.
Results. First in the bottom three is Richard, whose salad needed acid. Next is Stephanie, who didn't plate all her food, and whose vinaigrette was lacking. Last in the bottom three is Lisa, and I owe Stephanie a bit of an apology, for while she's not good in Quickfires, Lisa's even worse. Her salad was all banana. First in the top three is Spike, who had a well-balanced, flavorful salad. Antonia's salad had great texture. Dale's use of nori was inspired. Pissy shot of Lisa. Padma asks who Sam has selected as the Quickfire winner, and he chooses Spike. Spike is pleased to score his first Quickfire win, even though he doesn't get immunity. Padma tells him he'll get a significant advantage in the Elimination Challenge. Oh, an "advantage"? What, does he get to choose which car he'll ride over to the store in?
Elimination Challenge. Padma and Sam bring in a tray of greasy food, like burgers and onion rings. Lisa describes this, but sheepishly admits that she's kind of craving it now. See, I wish we saw more of that Lisa. When she's not devoting herself to being a cranky witch, she can be kind of awesome. Richard just concentrates on how this is going to figure into the challenge. Padma says that obesity is a big problem in America. It certainly doesn't help me find a seat on the train. Move over, fatass. Sam says that as a diabetic, it can be tough to find flavorful food that's low in carbs and sugar. The greasy food shown is a typical lunch order for Chicago's finest, and Padma tells them that their challenge this week will be to create a gourmet boxed lunch for policemen. The chefs must all use a whole grain, a lean protein, a fruit, and a vegetable. As winner of the Quickfire, Spike gets a ten-minute head start on the shopping. Not only that, but the ingredients he chooses to fulfill the four requirements may not be used by any other chef. He is, of course, delighted at another opportunity to be a rapscallion, because in case the hats didn't tip you off, image is very important to him. Stephanie knows that he's going to screw everyone else over, but Andrew doesn't care, saying that his background in nutrition will pull him through.
Commercials. Go discover the "original" flavors at Qdoba. They're the only Mexican eatery that would ever think of stuff like cheese, flour tortillas, and tomatoes.
Whole Foods. Spike begins his ten-minute head start. Since he so enjoys being delightfully naughty, his strategy is to select ingredients that will screw over his competition the hardest. Not that I'm against creating obstacles for your competitors -- it's certainly fair in this case -- but you'd think he'd at least put a modicum of thought into what he's going to, you know, COOK. He does not. He selects chicken breast, bread, lettuce, and tomato as his four components. These are obviously Everyman kinds of ingredients, and will force the other chefs to be that much more creative. Antonia, once again speaking from within my brain, says that Spike's ingredient choices make her think that he hasn't put a lot of thought into his own dish. Spike pats himself on the back for being so devious, failing to notice the giant banner reading "Pride Goeth Before..." that may as well be hanging above the door. Andrew disdains the idea that he'd use such dumbed-down ingredients anyway, though he certainly doesn't put it past his competitors.
So now everyone has half an hour and $175 to shop. Stephanie admits she was thinking of doing something with chicken and tomatoes, and now has to rethink her plan. Her new plan apparently involves feeling up the phallic squash. Lisa's Plan B revolves around stir-fry, and she grabs some shrimp. Richard wants to do a play on a burrito with bok choy and tuna. Andrew plays up his nutritional background again. Know what he doesn't have a strong background in? Listening to challenge parameters. Er...spoiler!
The next morning, the chefs get started on their two hours of preparations. Stephanie explains that the police officers will be in charge of microwaving their own food; the chefs just need to hand everything over with instructions. Antonia works on curried beef with jasmine and brown rice, and a grapefruit salad. She recalls that she's been doing well with healthy cooking challenges, and is confident she's in good shape. Andrew is whipping together a sushi roll, but instead of rice, he's combining parsnip and pine nuts. The rest will be raw salmon and lots of vegetables. He wants to show everyone else who The Man is. If it's The Man Who Never Listens to the Challenge Parameters, he can set up a little tent, and start charging five cents admission right now. Stephanie wonders how a few bites of sushi is going to be a hearty, fulfilling lunch.
Dale makes some lettuce cups that are really cabbage, neatly circumventing Spike's obstacle. His protein is bison meat, which he's preparing in a Vietnamese style. He explains that bison has fifty percent less fat and cholesterol than beef. Good to know. Antonia sniffs that Dale can only make Asian food. Lisa says her dish with be mainly vegetables, with the shrimp thrown into a shrimp/pineapple soy sauce. She starts her brown rice early, saying that it takes a long time. Andrew admonishes Lisa about the high cholesterol in shrimp. Lisa, who is no slouch herself in the "Top Chef 4 - Challenge Parameters Are Beneath Us!" motif of the season, proves she's learned something by pointing out that the challenge specifically calls for low carbs and low fat, but says nothing about cholesterol. She doesn't want to be on the chopping block for good food/bad idea again, so she's trying to be careful.
Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste. Stephanie explains her mushroom/leek soup with meatballs, saying nothing about the squash she's stirring. Lisa's throwing some edamame into her stir-fry, and asks if Ptom dares to try her hot sauce. He dares, and from the look on his face, this sauce is no joke in the heat department. Spike is making chicken salad. We don't hear much about it, so I don't know how it differs from an ordinary, run-of-the-mill chicken salad anyone could whip together in twenty minutes. Richard is throwing rice, lentils, tuna, and quinoa into his faux burritos. After telling everyone to start boxing their food, Ptom tells us that everyone seems focused, and nobody wants to be eliminated. Fascinating.
With a little less than half an hour left, Lisa suddenly discovers that the burner under her brown rice has been turned up to high. This makes the outside burnt and the inside raw. She firmly believes that she's been sabotaged. Stephanie and Dale aren't buying, interviewing that someone, possibly Lisa herself, just made a mistake. I don't pretend to know for sure, but I'm with them. As with shady dealings in the past, if this truly was intentional sabotage, I find it odd that none of the four hundred bazillion cameras caught a glimpse of it. Besides, I find it hard to believe that people are very threatened by Lisa. Tonight's Quickfire is the sixth challenge in a row she's been at the bottom of. Not exactly a force to be reckoned with, there. She tries to salvage the rice by putting some cooking liquid on it, hoping that the microwave takes care of the rest. Time begins to wind down. Dale nearly eats it tripping over a trashcan. Spike drops a knife. People rush to put things in coolers. Spike drops more knives. Does he have an inner ear infection? Everyone wheels their coolers out, Richard's fugly pink crocs bringing up the rear.
Commercials. Watch a Bravo awards show in which Bravo gives awards to...shows on Bravo.
Police academy. Training montage. One female recruit is terrible at push-ups. The chefs pull up, and we hear what the challenge entails for like the third time. They enter the cafeteria, and have a few minutes to set up their stuff and write descriptive labels about the food and how to heat it up, if necessary. Lisa frets over her rice. Uniformed officers stride in. I fruitlessly scan for hot ones. Cops line up at the tables, and the chefs explain what they've made. Richard cheeses it up by asking everyone who approaches his table if they like burritos. He interviews something unimportant, which I only bring up to point out that he's wearing a hairband at the front of his faux-hawk, which makes him look like this. Spike makes fun of Richard's gimmick. Spike himself would never stoop to something so weak and obvious. Except that he sets out his boxed lunches two at a time, trying to make it appear like they're in demand. Ooh, what a rapscallion! Cops chow down.
Stephanie gives the judges (including Ted instead of Gail -- boo!) her mushroom and meatball soup with barley, a squash and celery root vegetable puree, and some yogurt. The cops and judges enjoy it. Spike gives Padma his chicken salad. The bread, tomato, and lettuce are all on the side, so they're unessential to the chicken salad itself, which combines grapes, olives, and jicama, but leaves out the mayo. A cop likes it, but the judges are unimpressed with how pedestrian it is, and how Spike didn't really use three of his four components. Dale hands out his lemongrass bison cabbage wrap with brown rice and an herb salad. That sounds good; I love lemongrass. Ted thinks it could use some heat, but likes it overall. Antonia gives two officers her curry beef with filet mignon, jasmine rice, berries, figs, and grape syrup. I'd be curious to try that. Padma heartily enjoys the flavors. Sam agrees in a deadpan monotone.
Andrew gives Ted a dish with four lonely little sushi bites in it. As mentioned before, it's a salmon roll with a parsnip/pine nut "rice", and some pickled ginger with wasabi. Food tidbit for you: Wasabi apparently helps fight tooth decay. Cue "The More You Know" star. The cops and judges find it strange and messy. Padma notes that Andrew didn't use any whole grain, as was stipulated in the rules. Top Chef 4 - Challenge Parameters Are Beneath Us! Richard asks Sam his stock question about liking burritos. Spike smirks. Richard gives Sam a grilled tuna burrito with lentils and quinoa wrapped in a rice paper tortilla. There is some hot sauce and fresh lime on the side.
Limecrete: "That looks really good."
Tiffany: "I don't know, I've never really been a big fan of tuna."
Limecrete: "That's not what I've heard."
Everyone enjoys the burrito, including an officer of indeterminate... Well... I mean, I feel entitled to make fun of the chefs all I want, as they signed up for the experience of being dissected and ridiculed. But I don't want to be too harsh with random people who find themselves on the show, unless they bring it on themselves. So it is with no judgment that I say that the person nodding their approval over the burrito isn't easily labeled, gender-wise. Ptom gets Lisa's stir-fry, which aside from the shrimp and brown rice, has some berries and yogurt on the side. Padma immediately picks up on the undercooked rice. A cop remarks on the incredibly spicy sauce, but covers his manliness by insisting that it's very good. His equally manly friend agrees that the spice isn't overpowering. The camera cuts away, and the two of them fall to floor in the fetal position. OK, not really. I'm just trying to wring some entertainment out of this. The police take their leave, and the chefs are right behind them, speculating about their chances. Dale doesn't think there's a clear winner and loser, as there has been in past challenges. The judges remain in the cafeteria to deliberate, and already seem to have their favorites and least favorites picked out.
Commercials. Guy's Face: "Thanks for the tip about these new phones. Now get off my property."
Fret 'n' sweat. As Lisa talks about her rice issues, Andrew finally catches the snap that he didn't include a whole grain, as he was supposed to. Padma enters, and summons Dale and Stephanie to Judges' Table. Obviously, these two had the favorites of the judges, though I wonder why they didn't pick a third. Dale says he wanted to make something satisfying. Ptom thinks he did a great job with texture and flavor. Stephanie says she's fairly unfamiliar with barley, but is happy with the way her soup came out. Ted says that seasoning has been a problem in some chefs' food, but that Stephanie's was done very well. Sam gets to announce the week's winner, who had the more substantial and unique food. That winner is Dale, who gets a bottle of wine and two tickets to visit the winery where it's made.
LabRat: "Why does he need two tickets? He won't find anyone who wants to go with him."
Dale smiles and thanks the judges. He's not my favorite crayon in the box, but that dish of his today certainly did look good. He's happy with his challenge track record of five wins in twenty challenges. He does not mention the five of twenty challenges in which he's been at the bottom or at least on a losing team. Padma asks him to send out this week's losers. Unsurprisingly, it's Spike, Lisa, and Andrew, so make that seven challenges in a row that Lisa's blown.
Odd Asian music. Gong. The three losing chefs trudge in, and if I had to guess, I'd say that no matter who gets chopped tonight, the other two are ripe for elimination within the next two weeks, anyway. That would leave a final four of Antonia, Stephanie, Richard, and Dale. Makes sense, doesn't it? That's my bet. I'm putting my chips down on the table. Padma asks Andrew if his dish was substantial enough for a hearty lunch. He thinks it was, given the amount of nutrients that went into it. He explains it fairly well, but slips when he says the roll would hold people for at least three hours. Ptom points out that three hours after lunch, people are still at work, and if they're hungry, that's the point that they're reaching for a candy bar. Andrew reveals that in addition to missing the whole grain part of the challenge, he missed the "hearty" part as well. I think he was just busy listening to the merry tune that plays in his head at all times.
Ted twists the knife further, asking if a raw sushi roll is relatable enough to people used to eating burgers and such. That's a little much. They're cops, not cavemen. I don't think they'd run away screaming at the sight of sushi. Andrew, starting to lose his cool, says that he'd rather serve something new that expands horizons, rather than something reminiscent of a burger. He wants to serve the "most healthiest" dish ever. You know, after the "literally buried in spinach" last week, I don't even have the strength. The consensus is that Andrew favored health to the detriment of flavor, and when he says that people came back for more, Ptom gripes that it was because they hadn't gotten enough food the first time.
Spike is asked why he did chicken salad, and instead of the honest answer ("It was the only thing I could make with the ingredients I cockblocked from the other chefs"), he blathers something about how much he likes it and how accessible it is, cribbing off the criticism of Andrew's food. What's hilarious about Spike is how he always thinks he's outsmarting the other chefs at every turn, and more often than not, winds up shooting himself in the foot, learning nothing in the process. It's like watching Wile E. Coyote fall off the same cliff every week. It's not that I expect him to graciously step aside and let his competitors win; I just think if he kept his eyes on his own paper more often, he'd do better on the test. When specifically asked if he picked his components to be to his advantage or to disadvantage everyone else, he out-and-out lies and says it was for his own advantage. The big problem wasn't even the non-use of his required components, but the combination of grapes and olives, which Ptom didn't like. Spike, just as in Block Party, blames us uncultured hicks, saying that we'd be perfectly content with the flavor combination, even if Ptom's astronomically gifted palate wasn't. You can assume my eyes are rolling so hard as to almost evacuate my head during this entire segment. Ptom says that four dishes were unquestionably better than Spike's, and Spike chooses the least successful response he possibly could, saying that that's Ptom's opinion. Ptom duhs that his opinion is kind of what counts in this competition.
Lisa is asked why she thinks she's at the losers' table, and she sneers that the judges may as well tell her, as they're the ones that brought her here. Yeah, at this point, I'd be perfectly happy with cutting all three of these people and moving on. Ptom tells her that her stir-fry wasn't really much of a stir-fry, and that several things on her plate were undercooked. The rice is mentioned, though it's far from the only thing criticized. It is, however, the only thing Lisa has a hope of defending, so she spins her sabotage theory. That theory is never resolved, so make of it what you will. Ptom reiterates that even if it were so, her food's problems extended beyond the rice.
Padma asks if anyone has anything more to say, and this where Lisa's bitch star goes supernova. She turns Andrew in for not using a whole grain. Now, we know the judges already know about that, but the chefs don't. So Lisa's accusation has nothing to do with wanting to abide by challenge rules. She's just desperately trying to dig her way out of trouble by burying someone else. And as with Spike, I don't expect the chefs to let other people win, but the way you win is by cooking good food; not by use of underhanded tricks. I know Sam knows what I'm talking about. Ass. The judges are already down on Andrew for a multitude of reasons. He's firmly in the bottom three. I'm not saying it's unfair for Lisa to have brought this up, just mighty distasteful. The judges do ask Andrew why he didn't use a whole grain, and he stupidly says he lost his rule sheet. See why Lisa's attack was so unnecessary? Andrew's got enough rope to tie his own noose and have enough left over to moor a fleet of sailboats. Lisa tries to play the integrity card, which... No. She says he would have done the same to her, which he denies. I believe him. He may be kind of psycho, but dirty tricks aren't really his style. The chefs are dismissed.
Back in the Kitchen, Andrew tries to psych Lisa out by staring all cuckoo-eyed at her, but only succeeds in psyching out Antonia. He climbs to the wrong moral high-ground, whining that Lisa selling him out is poor repayment for his friendly warning about the high cholesterol content of her shrimp. He's really reaching, as the judges never took issue with the cholesterol of her food, and as Lisa said, it's not particularly germane to the challenge. There's some tiresome blather about "shows me who you are" and "we're in a competition", and it's nothing you haven't heard a hundred times before. The judges deliberate. Ptom says that sabotage is not a legitimate excuse for Lisa, which I'm sorry, is bullshit. I don't think it was sabotage in this case, but if someone did intentionally ruin another chef's food, the victimized chef should not be penalized. And frankly, I doubt they would be, lest the show open itself up to a lawsuit. Thankfully for the judges, there was plenty else to hate about Lisa's food. Spike didn't use his ingredients, and spent so much time worrying about the game that he forgot about the food. Andrew didn't use a whole grain, and even if he had, he essentially ignored the challenge to make whatever he wanted.
More tiresome fighting in the Kitchen. Andrew brings up the bus metaphor for the second time this episode. Seriously, with the buses. He does bring up the good point that Lisa has some nerve being all judgmental about his food when she's trying to hide behind a weak "sabotaged rice" excuse. The judges make a decision, which for some reason, Padma feels the need to announce is unanimous. Neato. Andrew tells Lisa he hopes the audience gets to see how she just acted. Wish granted.
Commercials. Who needs men when you can fellate a sandwich? Right, creepy bowl-cut lady?
Elimination. All three of these chefs suck. Ptom grants that the challenge wasn't easy. He makes a weak food police pun I'll do him the favor of not exploring. Andrew didn't provide anything delicious or of substance. Spike didn't use his ingredients, and had a weird, off-putting flavor profile. Lisa should be omniscient, and said she had a stir-fry, when what she really had was a plate of steamed vegetables. He gives it over to Padma for the chopping. Andrew. Please pack your knives and go. He tells the judges that there will be no need for security guards this time.
LabRat: "They've probably got them there, anyway."
He thanks the judges, and says that he will leave with honor. Honor is one of those things you cannot praise yourself for, like modesty and class. He's almost hushed as he goes, saying that he doesn't have any problems with anyone else, as he's not going to talk to most of them again, anyway. Subtle. He says he and Spike will be BFF forever and that Lisa's weak. Yep, full of honor, that one. Lisa gets the rare interjection interview, in which she says he deserves to go for not following the rules. Of course, by that logic, Lisa should have been eliminated three weeks ago. Andrew gets some good-bye hugs in the Kitchen. Spike whines that he doesn't have any buddies left in the house. I struggle to care, and fail. Andrew proudly says that he's never been one to stick to the rules. Guess we don't have to mourn your elimination, then. See ya, Looney Tunes.
Overall Grade: C
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
And the Winner Is...
America's Next Top Model - Season 10, Episode 12
Previously on America's Next Top Model: A shark-jumping bore of a season.
In the first half of the finale, the final three girls do another CoverGirl commercial, though thankfully it's in English this time. None of the three do spectacularly well, though when has doing well ever had any effect on the judging later? The commercial is followed by the traditional beauty shot. The first panel strikes, and Fatima takes the long walk home.
That leaves Whitney and Anya to duke it out at the fashion show, and Whitney is clearly better. Again, not that it would make a difference if the judges didn't want it to. My hopes are raised when Whitney's portfolio is highly praised at the final panel, and though LabRat suspects they're just covering their skinny asses before cutting her wider one, she pulls out the win. Yay! If this season weren't so tedious, I'd be jumping off the couch at a beautiful, deserving plus-sized winner. But it was, so let's all give a big thumbs up to Whitney, and turn our attention to more important matters.
Overall Grade: B+
Overall Season Grade: C+
Previously on America's Next Top Model: A shark-jumping bore of a season.
In the first half of the finale, the final three girls do another CoverGirl commercial, though thankfully it's in English this time. None of the three do spectacularly well, though when has doing well ever had any effect on the judging later? The commercial is followed by the traditional beauty shot. The first panel strikes, and Fatima takes the long walk home.
That leaves Whitney and Anya to duke it out at the fashion show, and Whitney is clearly better. Again, not that it would make a difference if the judges didn't want it to. My hopes are raised when Whitney's portfolio is highly praised at the final panel, and though LabRat suspects they're just covering their skinny asses before cutting her wider one, she pulls out the win. Yay! If this season weren't so tedious, I'd be jumping off the couch at a beautiful, deserving plus-sized winner. But it was, so let's all give a big thumbs up to Whitney, and turn our attention to more important matters.
Overall Grade: B+
Overall Season Grade: C+
Monday, May 12, 2008
Wedding Wars
Top Chef - Season 4, Episode 9
Previously on Top Chef: Mark played the didgeridoo. Mark didn't cook very well. Mark got eliminated. Eight chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening menu. Not a damn thing. Not even a glass of water.
Morning in Chicago. Andrew and Spike are bummed that Mark's gone. Meanwhile, the ladies are preparing for battle, or so the music would have us think. Antonia says that this is the first time four women have made it this far in the competition. Nikki agrees that women have to be fighters and competitors. I think I know which way the wind is blowing, here. Nikki's too nice and Lisa's got too much of a bull's-eye on her forehead, but I firmly believe Antonia or Stephanie is going to win this season. Feel free to look back on this entry in hindsight and laugh at me if I'm wrong. The chefs head out for the day.
Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Ptom and Padma. Padma tells everyone that the Quickfire winner will no longer get immunity from elimination. She goes on to say that this week, they'll be bringing back two "all time, top favorite" challenges. I'm immediately filled with dread, as I've never bought what these folks try to pass off as "favorite". The chefs draw knives to split themselves into two teams, which wind up being:
Dale/Lisa/Nikki/Spike
Andrew/Richard/Stephanie/Antonia
Yeesh, what a divide. Take a look at those teams, and identify everyone who's ever started a pissy fight, shoved blame/responsibility off onto someone else in front of the judges, or is just generally hopeless in team situations. Notice something? Like how they're all on that first team? This is going to be a bloodbath, and to illustrate that, I'll just have to refer to one team in glowing terms and the other in much more dire ones. Dale disdains his teammates' cooking skills. Lisa not-so-fondly remembers what it's like to work with Dale, but says she hasn't had the opportunity to really work with Spike or Nikki.
Tiffany: "I'll be a bitch to anyone; I'm not picky."
My dread about the challenges is somewhat relieved when the Quickfire turns out to be the relay race, which I did enjoy. Anyhow, the four tasks are to peel and supreme five oranges, clean and turn two artichokes, clean and split a monkfish into two fillets, and make a quart of mayonnaise. The teams have two minutes to decide who does what, and the winning team will get an advantage. Team Sunshine decides to put Antonia on oranges, Andrew on artichokes, Richard on monkfish, and Stephanie on mayonnaise. Meanwhile, Team Cesspool is already having problems. Nobody wants to tackle the mayonnaise, which Dale ridicules in interview. He wonders why chefs who can't make mayonnaise by hand are still in the competition, and though he isn't on my Hanukkah card list, I'm with him on this one. Nikki finally takes on the mayonnaise, with reluctance.
The teams line up. Ptom readies his whistle. Ready? Go! Lisa smokes Antonia on the oranges. Dale helpfully points out a seed Lisa must dispose of, because he's all about teamwork. Antonia's still got about two oranges to go when Lisa is finished, and Spike gets started on the artichokes. He turns them before starting to peel. By the time he's done that, Antonia has finished with the oranges, and Andrew jumps onto the artichokes. It turns out that one of the pieces of equipment Andrew brought from home is a simple little peeler, and with this secret weapon, he demolishes Spike. That brings the teams neck and neck. Richard and Dale get started on the monkfish. I'm all about enjoying weird and exotic fish, but those suckers are pug fugly. They finish at about the same time, though Dale's aren't as pretty as Richard's. That's second-hand information from Lisa, by the way. They both look like hacked up fish fillets to me. So, it's down to Stephanie and Nikki on the mayonnaise. Do I even need to go into detail? Yes, despite Dale's ever-helpful "street" cheering, Team Sewage is vanquished.
Team Lollipop celebrates, but the mood is quickly killed by Dale slamming his hand into the lockers and screaming "FUCK!" No, really. Dale, who is presumably an adult, throws a massive shitfit, not because someone is directly challenging him, not because he's receiving what he feels is unfair criticism... No, he's screaming because he lost a challenge. This is how you can tell the difference between people who are truly competitive, and people who call themselves competitive, but really just mean that they want to win everything, all the time. What a douchebag. The other chefs hate him as much as I do, Antonia interviewing that it must be time for him to have his diaper changed. Snap!
Commercials. Why do I get the feeling that Jersey Boys is to the Tony what Gladiator was to the Oscar?
Padma and Ptom ignore Dale's tantrum, and move on to the Elimination Challenge. I guess that was their only option, short of offering him a thumb to suck on. The other "favorite" challenge this week is Restaurant Wars, but revamped. Two photogenic people enter, and Padma introduces them as a couple that is to be married tomorrow. So this season, it seems that Restaurant Wars is being melded to Wedding Bell Blues, which sounds about as appealing as combining gefilte fish and cherry cough syrup. In the entire history of this show, there have only been two challenges that got my blood boiling: That horrible, fucked up wedding challenge, and the horrible, fucked up boat challenge. Ironic that neither was in the horrible, fucked up second season. The chefs are understandably not so thrilled with this turn of events.
They'll stay divided into Team Rainbow and Team Phlegm, and each will cook for half the guests. One team will cook according to the bride's tastes, and one according to the groom's. Padma adds that the couple owns a restaurant and wedding venue, so there will no pulling the wool over these eyes. Are you ready to hear about the awesome "advantage" Team Orgasm receives for winning the Quickfire? They get to choose which person's guests to cook for! Isn't that awesome? Even though they don't know a single thing about either one of them, and they may as well flip a coin as to which one will be easier, if in fact either of them is? WOOOOOO! Seriously, this is the worst "advantage" since poor Brian won the chance to select which way he was going to be screwed over. And what a coincidence, it's the horrible, fucked up boat challenge!
Team Ice Cream chooses the bride, which is a little questionable, because... Oh, let's just let Spike and his Dick Tracy hat explain it. "She's gonna want this moment exactly the way she's envisioned it since she was fourteen years old." He's right. I worked at a wedding reception this very weekend, and the first thing out the bride's mouth was a complaint about the color ribbon her mom chose for the wedding cake. The chefs will have forty-five minutes to consult with their client, then an hour to shop for food and supplies (with a budget of $5000). As with the previous wedding challenge, they'll be working through the night. I can't wait to see what balls of sunshine these people are on no sleep. The one person who seems jazzed is Andrew, who overshares that he has "a culinary boner".
LabRat: "And when he shoots his wad, it's mayonnaise."
Padma turns the bride and groom over to the chefs, and starts the forty-five minute countdown. The groom tells Team Tetanus that he likes Italian food and outlines some ideas, like bruschetta and shrimp. Naturally, all heads turn to Nikki, who happily says that she and the groom have very similar palates. The bride and Richard are forming a similar bond, both being from the South. Team Jackpot has lucked out a bit, as the bride has very simple tastes. She likes the idea of pizza for a passed appetizer, and says that anything fried is fine by her. So they'll be going with a kind of meat and potatoes, comfort food menu. Sounds good. Antonia worries if it will be refined enough. The groom tells Team Landfill that he's partial to German chocolate cake. Eeeeeeeew, coconut. The bride doesn't care about the flavor; she just wants lots of layers and for it to look interesting. As usual, dessert, especially one of this magnitude, strikes terror into the chefs' hearts.
The bride and groom take their leave, and the chefs begin to plan their menus. Team Puppies hits upon an idea for pulled pork, but isn't as thrilled with Andrew's idea for a chicken nugget. As Antonia says, crispy chicken never stays crispy enough to serve. True enough. She doesn't seem too put off by it, and just lets Andrew babble. Over at Team Pond Scum, Nikki is saying that she wants to start off with a series of flatbreads. Lisa puts herself entirely in Nikki's hands. I give Lisa a lot of grief for being a sourpuss, but I have to say, she knows when to let others take over and when to stand her ground. That's a tough line to straddle, especially on this show. Dale makes a reasoned objection to Nikki's idea of wrapped figs, which gives Nikki an opportunity to interview about how nobody wants to be stuck with Dale on their team, because you know his finger is going to be pointed squarely at you the moment something goes wrong. Dale interviews that the people on his team don't get along (read: nobody likes him, but they have no problems with each other), and that he doesn't feel they are that strong as cooks. So in one breath, he's managed to combine disgust that nobody likes him with disgust that everyone around him sucks. That's some ability.
Time to get shopping. Half of each team heads to Whole Foods, while the other half goes to a warehouse kind of store. Spike intelligently sticks Dale with Lisa, knowing Lisa can handle him. Nikki, he says, has a tendency to get flustered, and would wilt if exposed to a teammate who debates and nags at every turn. Team Chocolate Chip doesn't have as much interpersonal stress, though Andrew makes the valid point that Richard naturally tends to step up as executive chef, and you have to have a strong voice to get your own point of view across. I'll spare you the pointless scene of flower selection. Supplies are purchased, and everyone heads back to the house.
9 PM. The chefs are dropped off at the Kitchen to get started on their all-nighter. I hope they managed to wedge in a nap before they came. They've got fourteen hours to get everything ready to serve their guests (125 per team). Lisa reiterates that the groom requested simple Italian food, and having no experience with that, she is relying entirely on Nikki. Team Audit's appetizers will be some assorted flatbreads and bruschetta. For the buffet, Nikki is making pasta again, and there will also be some mixed veggies and cheeses, filet mignon, Chilean sea bass, and some orecchiette with ragu (meat-based sauce). Spike is dealing with all of the grilled vegetables, Dale works on the proteins, and Lisa devotes herself to the chocolate hazelnut cake. Dale says he can handle his workload with no problem, while Lisa frets over any looming disaster that can befall the cake.
Team Ladybug divides up their work. Antonia is making two kinds of pizza, a pulled pork sandwich, and some short ribs with blue cheese in phyllo. Andrew and Richard work on the main courses, which will be Andrew's ill-advised crispy chicken, brisket, filet mignon, creamed spinach, and potato gratin. Stephanie will be making a dark chocolate cake with a cream cheese and lemon filling. She frets over any looming disaster that can befall the cake. These people must see cakes in their nightmares. Richard is handling the bulk of the meat. That sentence didn't sound so dirty in my head. He wants to make sure that his wedding food isn't as sucky as most. Stephanie starts blending a gigantic bowl of chocolate. Mmm. Antonia peels potatoes, army style.
Spike and Lisa ask Nikki how she roasts her potatoes, and the fact that she's going to shoulder the burden of responsibility for this menu finally dawns on her. She hurriedly says that she's "down with not making all the decisions", but it's too late. The second she happily bonded with the groom over their identical palates, she became Team Poison Ivy's ad hoc leader. Lisa is not filled with respect over Nikki's waffling. Dale, meanwhile, is doing the majority of the grunt work. And in one breath, he manages to be extremely proud of his workhorse attitude, while complaining about how much he has to do. Another handy ability!
Commercials. While it'd be nice to have a free camera drop from the sky, I worry about the collateral damage.
At 11:15 PM, everyone's doing well, but by 2 AM, the strain is beginning to show. Andrew says he'll be spending the next five hours making creamed spinach. "I am literally buried in spinach," he says. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OK, I know I babble about grammar a lot. But I swear I would take back every jibe about "myself" misuse, every gripe about subject/verb agreement, and every moan about apostrophe torture if people would just learn how to use the word literally. Well, maybe not the apostrophe torture. That drives me batshit, too. But at least apostrophe torture is the product of carelessness. It's not a conscious effort to emphasize a point. I said in the short version that if the only mark I made on the world were to get people to stop abusing literally, I would die a happy man. Once and for all, unless you're carrying a 2000-pound backpack, you do not "literally" have a ton of homework. Unless your parents are crazed psychopaths, they will not "literally" kill you if you break curfew. And Andrew, unless you plan to have a leafy green coffin, you are not "literally" buried in spinach. Phew, I feel better.
Richard makes some suggestions for the spinach, such as adding star anise. Andrew tells us in interview that Richard butting in is bullshit, but it doesn't look like he has the stones to tell Richard this directly. Meanwhile, Dale is looking after so many components of the menu, his work is starting to look shoddy. Lisa interviews that if only a small portion of what you make is good, what's the point of doing the rest? Which is true, and if Dale were better-liked, this is where his teammates would jump in to help out. But they don't. Care to guess the valuable lesson buried here? I'll bet you know what it is! Spike actually does take over the sea bass, but not because he's concerned about how much Dale has to do. He takes it so that he'll have something to show the judges that came purely from him, rather than just a bunch of grilled vegetables. Nikki checks in long enough to figure out that she and Dale have very different ideas about what goes into a ragu. Does Nikki outline her concerns to Dale? Does Dale ask for assistance with his myriad of tasks? The answer to both of these questions is the same.
At 5:33 AM, we're into the exhaustion phase. Nikki says she's dizzy, tired, and dehydrated. Um, I think I know the cure for that last one. You're cooking all night, not imprisoned in a Soviet gulag. Some chefs get slap-happy. Andrew stops chittering. Lisa tells Antonia that her facial expression hasn't changed for seven hours. Heh. At 7:33 AM, Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste. Eesh, I wouldn't want to deal with this on a full night's sleep, let alone after an all-nighter. Ptom references Wedding Bell Blues, and hopes the challenge doesn't end up like that. On first viewing, I bellow a "fuck you" that fills Timiffany's house to the rafters. Lisa's almost done with her cake, though she tells Ptom that it still needs some finishing touches. Nikki makes another futile attempt to avoid being the creative force behind Team Pockmark's menu. Dale is so tired, he can't even remember what he's cooked. Ptom warns them not to dumb down their food, just because they have to serve 125 people at the same time. Sure, make everyone an individual rack of lamb shaped like their favorite animal.
His walkthrough complete, Ptom tells us that the chefs being exhausted will probably be a major factor. You think? He also thinks Lisa's cake is ugly and that Team Promotion has a harder menu as far as winning over a crowd goes. As time winds down, people pack up their food for transport. Stephanie says she's going to assemble the cake at the venue itself. Smart move. Lisa's is already assembled, so she guards it like the Hope Diamond, because if it smashes, she's hosed. Richard hopes to be able to say awake through the reception. I imagine having a chef pass out in the brisket is less than appetizing.
Commercials. I'm glad you're able to control your asthma, ma'am. Maybe now you can concentrate on the fact that you're just a silhouette. It seems a far more pressing medical problem.
Wedding. Forgive me, but I'm going to skip over anything that isn't chef-related. I'm sure the couple that scored a free wedding for allowing it to be televised will love each other until the end of time. The chefs have some additional prep time at the wedding venue, and everyone's tense and irritable. Stephanie assembles and decorates her cake. Ptom, Gail, and Padma enter just long enough introduce guest judge Gale Gand, who owns a restaurant and is a well-known pastry chef. Stephanie is not thrilled to serve a beginner's cake to the city's top cake maker. Wedding. Stephanie and Antonia move the cake out into the dining room. It's been decorated with flowers, and looks very nice, especially for someone with little to no pastry experience. Food is plated. An army of waiters enters. The reception starts. Hors d'oeuvres are served, starting with Antonia's short ribs in phyllo, which look good. The pulled pork sandwich with homemade pickle looks tasty, too, though the bride finds it a bit messy. The pizzas go over very well, so Team Happiness is living up to its name. Team Depression sends out their flatbread and sausage pizza. It gets some nods and approval. Dale's bruschetta, on the other hand, is really, really dry and crunchy. Guests can barely bite into it.
Everyone moves into the dining room for dinner, and the sun magically sets instantly. Richard girds himself for the onslaught of guests. Antonia says that she and Richard will work the line, Stephanie will run things back and forth, and Andrew's staying in the kitchen, and "not allowed to talk to the guests...seriously." Haha! That little beat is what made it genius. Dale complains that none of the people he despises and holds in utter contempt is helping him cook. Yeah, it's a puzzler. Richard fawns over the bride, saying if she doesn't like the food, it doesn't matter if everyone else does. Antonia serves some creamed spinach to a lady who says she herself makes a good one, and Antonia obediently makes a "Whoa, I'd better watch out, then!" face. Richard gives the judges some filet mignon with horseradish sauce and red wine syrup. The best sauce I ever had was made with reduced red wine, so I'm always excited to see one. He also serves his brisket, then sends the judges down to Antonia to serve Andrew's almond and basil-crusted chicken breast. Man, Kender was right. Enough with the breading.
The judges tuck in, and are immediately impressed with Team Unicorn's food. Ptom says the horseradish sauce is delicious, and he almost never gives praise that high. Not everything gets raves. As Antonia predicted, Andrew's chicken is not a crowd-pleaser. Gail says the breaded chicken was better in the Common Threads challenge, and Ptom points out that it was served right away last week, as opposed to sitting around in a chafing dish tonight. Lisa and Nikki serve their assorted vegetable/cheese plate to the groom. Two other guests grab some of Nikki's tortellini, which is stuffed with butternut squash, brown butter, and sage. Spike serves his Chilean sea bass, which is served with artichokes, capers, olives, and tomatoes. Sounds good. Dale's ragu is served, along with his filet mignon, which has a similar horseradish sauce to the other team's. The food is not nearly as well-received as Team Vacation's was. Nikki's pasta is too sweet, and the grilled vegetables were unappetizing and unoriginal. Dale's ragu gets high marks, though. Various guests enjoy both teams' food. Both cakes are cut. Lisa is practically bursting with a mixture of nerves and pride, and it's really quite charming. The chefs get ready to head home, and are hesitantly confident in their chances.
Commercials. I want to like Cameron Diaz. I really do. Why does she make it so impossible?
Judges' Table. The chefs fret 'n' sweat. Actually, this is more of a yawn 'n' sweat. The judges agree with Spike that a bride would be harder to please than a groom. Speaking of Spike, he and Antonia are congratulating Stephanie and Lisa for the balls it took to accept responsibility for the cakes. Stephanie and Lisa share an exhausted high-five. Padma comes back to the Kitchen, and summons Team Laughter to Judges' Table. They trudge in and line up. Ptom asks who chose to work for the bride, and Richard raises his hand, saying that the day is all about the bride and what she wants. That custom annoys me in the extreme, but as this is a super-sized episode and it appears to just be lip service in this case, let's not even get into it. Andrew is taken to task for making the same chicken he did last week, and for the strange taste of his creamed spinach. Richard accepts responsibility for the spinach, saying that the star anise was his idea. Andrew agrees that he wasn't happy with the spinach, and Richard makes a face like "Didn't I just stand up for you? Why twist the knife?".
It turns out not to matter, as Team Victory lives up to that name by winning the challenge. The looks of worry are replaced by big smiles. Gale usually takes three days to make a wedding cake, and was very impressed by Stephanie's quick version. Stephanie's teammates jump in to give her all the credit for a job well done. Aw. Antonia's pizza outshone the team that focused on Italian food. Richard's brisket was fantastic. Gale gets to announce the challenge winner, which is unsurprisingly Richard. Before they go any further, though, Richard asks if he can turn over his win to Stephanie. Double aw! Stephanie thanks him, and when she wins a $2000 gift certificate to Crate & Barrel, asks Richard if he just wants to share it. Triple aw! Although a thousand bucks at Crate & Barrel would net you about two plates and a measuring cup. Stephanie interviews how great it was that the team got along and respected each other. You know what that's the cue for. Padma asks them to send out Team Claire Danes' Career, which Richard sadly does.
Odd Asian music. Gong. Lisa's scowl has found its way home. First, the judges go into the division of labor. Lisa did the cake, Dale says he cooked all the fillets, made the potatoes, and did the pork ragu. Nikki made the pasta and the pesto sauce. Spike did the sea bass and the vegetables. Ptom asks who was "driving the bus" as far as the Italian menu. What is this show's obsession with buses? Anyhow, Nikki disavows any responsibility whatsoever for influencing the team's choices, and just as before, it doesn't do any good. She does admit that people looked for her opinions, due to her experience in Italian cooking, but says she wasn't "playing executive chef". Yeah, Nikki's screwed. If she claims she was at the helm, they'll make it her fault the team lost. If she tries to avoid being at the helm, they'll say "Well, why not, if you're an Italian chef?", and make it her fault the team lost.
Turning to the cake, Lisa says that the groom wanted something simple that wouldn't outshine the bride's cake. Although that gives Lisa a handy excuse to make an ugly cake, Ptom approved of the flavor, saying it tasted better than the other one. Lisa nods, knowing that if she can just keep her trap shut for the rest of the night, she'll be fine. After ascertaining that it was the groom's idea to have an antipasto plate, Ptom says that the big problem was that there was a lot of food going on, but a lot of it just wasn't that good. Nikki's pasta was dry and sweet. The pizza was hard. The fillet was overcooked. The horseradish sauce was flavorless. Ouch! Man, they're slamming down harder than usual.
When asked when and by whom the bruschetta was toasted, Dale says it was before they went to the wedding, and that he did it, adding "That's another thing that I did." The implication is, of course, that his food was lackluster because his mean old teammates saddled him with so much work. Spike picks up on this, and rather childishly tells Dale to go ahead and get it all out. Dale says that he hustled, and Nikki points out that nobody disagrees with that. Ptom asks if that means Dale thinks someone else wasn't pulling their weight. Spike again beats Dale to the punch in being as annoying as possible, and chides him to go ahead and point some fingers, since he's obviously longing to do it. Which is true, but... Let him hang himself, Spike. No need to make yourself just as obnoxious. Too late. Dale and Spike snipe back and forth for a bit. Spike says he feels like he pushed harder than Dale in the challenge. For an accurate response to that, please refer to Lisa's massive eyeroll.
Damn, I think she's going to pull a muscle.
Dale declares Spike's "pushed harder than you" statement is bullshit, which makes Spike whine that Dale is "such a little bitch, bro". Dale is completely asinine in this episode, and I wish Spike wasn't making it so difficult to be on his side. Nikki puts an end to it by telling them to stop, and telling the judges that she takes responsibility for her dishes. Spike "regrets stooping down to [Dale's] level". Lisa wisely stays silent. Gail asks if Spike wants to hear how the sea bass was. "Yeah, I guess so, why not?" he sneers. "Everyone really liked it," Gail says simply, and Spike gets a wide smile, as if he hasn't just been a huge douchenozzle. Dale gets a last barb in when he says the judges should have liked it, as it took Spike three hours to make it.
If Dale had just asked his teammates for help instead of silently seething, he'd have much more of a case here. And Spike just finished up being thoroughly irritating. But the thing is, and always was, that Dale can't have it both ways. If he's so much better than everyone else, and doesn't want to condescend to build respectful relationships with his competitors, then he cannot turn around and complain that they're not doing enough to help him. Yes, I said "respectful", Dale. Note I didn't say that you had to be best friends forever with everyone. You don't have to paint their nails, invite them to your birthday party, or even play pool with them. But if your constant attitude is "you suck", don't be all surprised and wounded when nobody pulls you out of the quicksand you've stepped into.
The chefs are dismissed. Padma and Gail agree that it was an interesting panel. They seem a little too delighted by the discord they've sown. Thankfully, they quickly move on to their impressions of the food. Spike's fish was good, but not enough to base an entire night's work on. They admit he also did the vegetables, which weren't very good, but are time-consuming. Ptom says Dale feels he shouldn't go home because he did the bulk of the work. Gail says he should have edited the list of what he had to get done. Please, as if they'd even think of getting rid of The Asshole this early. Nikki didn't step up to anchor the menu on her expertise, and should have. See? Back in the Kitchen, Dale is trying to rationalize how he acted, asking if anyone else wouldn't have spoken up about their "urgency" or someone else's lack of it. Nikki, not unkindly, says that "you can't point fingers at Judges' Table; you become THAT GUY. They are not going to look at you any better when you do that." Well said. The judges make a decision.
Commercials. If you like rocks, you'll love Texas.
Elimination. Team Rigor Mortis' menu was too expansive, and they didn't focus on individual flavors. Dale did the bulk of the work, but the judges didn't care for the bulk of that work. Nikki had the most experience with the menu, but didn't assert herself. Spike is lazy. Lisa is spared any criticism. Ptom throws it over to Padma for the chop. Nikki. Please pack your knives and go. Those Catch-22s will get you every time. She hugs Spike. Lisa sucks a lemon. Then... Dale shakes Spike's hand? And hugs him? Huh? Nikki is proud of how she did, saying that this is one of those experiences in which you test yourself, and she's glad she got this far. People have certainly been studying up on their gracious loser speeches. Nobody wants to be a Betty. Nikki is content to go home to her restaurant and family, and says she's a stronger person for the experience. Nice woman. And I bet her pasta is awesome.
Overall Grade: B+
Previously on Top Chef: Mark played the didgeridoo. Mark didn't cook very well. Mark got eliminated. Eight chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening menu. Not a damn thing. Not even a glass of water.
Morning in Chicago. Andrew and Spike are bummed that Mark's gone. Meanwhile, the ladies are preparing for battle, or so the music would have us think. Antonia says that this is the first time four women have made it this far in the competition. Nikki agrees that women have to be fighters and competitors. I think I know which way the wind is blowing, here. Nikki's too nice and Lisa's got too much of a bull's-eye on her forehead, but I firmly believe Antonia or Stephanie is going to win this season. Feel free to look back on this entry in hindsight and laugh at me if I'm wrong. The chefs head out for the day.
Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Ptom and Padma. Padma tells everyone that the Quickfire winner will no longer get immunity from elimination. She goes on to say that this week, they'll be bringing back two "all time, top favorite" challenges. I'm immediately filled with dread, as I've never bought what these folks try to pass off as "favorite". The chefs draw knives to split themselves into two teams, which wind up being:
Dale/Lisa/Nikki/Spike
Andrew/Richard/Stephanie/Antonia
Yeesh, what a divide. Take a look at those teams, and identify everyone who's ever started a pissy fight, shoved blame/responsibility off onto someone else in front of the judges, or is just generally hopeless in team situations. Notice something? Like how they're all on that first team? This is going to be a bloodbath, and to illustrate that, I'll just have to refer to one team in glowing terms and the other in much more dire ones. Dale disdains his teammates' cooking skills. Lisa not-so-fondly remembers what it's like to work with Dale, but says she hasn't had the opportunity to really work with Spike or Nikki.
Tiffany: "I'll be a bitch to anyone; I'm not picky."
My dread about the challenges is somewhat relieved when the Quickfire turns out to be the relay race, which I did enjoy. Anyhow, the four tasks are to peel and supreme five oranges, clean and turn two artichokes, clean and split a monkfish into two fillets, and make a quart of mayonnaise. The teams have two minutes to decide who does what, and the winning team will get an advantage. Team Sunshine decides to put Antonia on oranges, Andrew on artichokes, Richard on monkfish, and Stephanie on mayonnaise. Meanwhile, Team Cesspool is already having problems. Nobody wants to tackle the mayonnaise, which Dale ridicules in interview. He wonders why chefs who can't make mayonnaise by hand are still in the competition, and though he isn't on my Hanukkah card list, I'm with him on this one. Nikki finally takes on the mayonnaise, with reluctance.
The teams line up. Ptom readies his whistle. Ready? Go! Lisa smokes Antonia on the oranges. Dale helpfully points out a seed Lisa must dispose of, because he's all about teamwork. Antonia's still got about two oranges to go when Lisa is finished, and Spike gets started on the artichokes. He turns them before starting to peel. By the time he's done that, Antonia has finished with the oranges, and Andrew jumps onto the artichokes. It turns out that one of the pieces of equipment Andrew brought from home is a simple little peeler, and with this secret weapon, he demolishes Spike. That brings the teams neck and neck. Richard and Dale get started on the monkfish. I'm all about enjoying weird and exotic fish, but those suckers are pug fugly. They finish at about the same time, though Dale's aren't as pretty as Richard's. That's second-hand information from Lisa, by the way. They both look like hacked up fish fillets to me. So, it's down to Stephanie and Nikki on the mayonnaise. Do I even need to go into detail? Yes, despite Dale's ever-helpful "street" cheering, Team Sewage is vanquished.
Team Lollipop celebrates, but the mood is quickly killed by Dale slamming his hand into the lockers and screaming "FUCK!" No, really. Dale, who is presumably an adult, throws a massive shitfit, not because someone is directly challenging him, not because he's receiving what he feels is unfair criticism... No, he's screaming because he lost a challenge. This is how you can tell the difference between people who are truly competitive, and people who call themselves competitive, but really just mean that they want to win everything, all the time. What a douchebag. The other chefs hate him as much as I do, Antonia interviewing that it must be time for him to have his diaper changed. Snap!
Commercials. Why do I get the feeling that Jersey Boys is to the Tony what Gladiator was to the Oscar?
Padma and Ptom ignore Dale's tantrum, and move on to the Elimination Challenge. I guess that was their only option, short of offering him a thumb to suck on. The other "favorite" challenge this week is Restaurant Wars, but revamped. Two photogenic people enter, and Padma introduces them as a couple that is to be married tomorrow. So this season, it seems that Restaurant Wars is being melded to Wedding Bell Blues, which sounds about as appealing as combining gefilte fish and cherry cough syrup. In the entire history of this show, there have only been two challenges that got my blood boiling: That horrible, fucked up wedding challenge, and the horrible, fucked up boat challenge. Ironic that neither was in the horrible, fucked up second season. The chefs are understandably not so thrilled with this turn of events.
They'll stay divided into Team Rainbow and Team Phlegm, and each will cook for half the guests. One team will cook according to the bride's tastes, and one according to the groom's. Padma adds that the couple owns a restaurant and wedding venue, so there will no pulling the wool over these eyes. Are you ready to hear about the awesome "advantage" Team Orgasm receives for winning the Quickfire? They get to choose which person's guests to cook for! Isn't that awesome? Even though they don't know a single thing about either one of them, and they may as well flip a coin as to which one will be easier, if in fact either of them is? WOOOOOO! Seriously, this is the worst "advantage" since poor Brian won the chance to select which way he was going to be screwed over. And what a coincidence, it's the horrible, fucked up boat challenge!
Team Ice Cream chooses the bride, which is a little questionable, because... Oh, let's just let Spike and his Dick Tracy hat explain it. "She's gonna want this moment exactly the way she's envisioned it since she was fourteen years old." He's right. I worked at a wedding reception this very weekend, and the first thing out the bride's mouth was a complaint about the color ribbon her mom chose for the wedding cake. The chefs will have forty-five minutes to consult with their client, then an hour to shop for food and supplies (with a budget of $5000). As with the previous wedding challenge, they'll be working through the night. I can't wait to see what balls of sunshine these people are on no sleep. The one person who seems jazzed is Andrew, who overshares that he has "a culinary boner".
LabRat: "And when he shoots his wad, it's mayonnaise."
Padma turns the bride and groom over to the chefs, and starts the forty-five minute countdown. The groom tells Team Tetanus that he likes Italian food and outlines some ideas, like bruschetta and shrimp. Naturally, all heads turn to Nikki, who happily says that she and the groom have very similar palates. The bride and Richard are forming a similar bond, both being from the South. Team Jackpot has lucked out a bit, as the bride has very simple tastes. She likes the idea of pizza for a passed appetizer, and says that anything fried is fine by her. So they'll be going with a kind of meat and potatoes, comfort food menu. Sounds good. Antonia worries if it will be refined enough. The groom tells Team Landfill that he's partial to German chocolate cake. Eeeeeeeew, coconut. The bride doesn't care about the flavor; she just wants lots of layers and for it to look interesting. As usual, dessert, especially one of this magnitude, strikes terror into the chefs' hearts.
The bride and groom take their leave, and the chefs begin to plan their menus. Team Puppies hits upon an idea for pulled pork, but isn't as thrilled with Andrew's idea for a chicken nugget. As Antonia says, crispy chicken never stays crispy enough to serve. True enough. She doesn't seem too put off by it, and just lets Andrew babble. Over at Team Pond Scum, Nikki is saying that she wants to start off with a series of flatbreads. Lisa puts herself entirely in Nikki's hands. I give Lisa a lot of grief for being a sourpuss, but I have to say, she knows when to let others take over and when to stand her ground. That's a tough line to straddle, especially on this show. Dale makes a reasoned objection to Nikki's idea of wrapped figs, which gives Nikki an opportunity to interview about how nobody wants to be stuck with Dale on their team, because you know his finger is going to be pointed squarely at you the moment something goes wrong. Dale interviews that the people on his team don't get along (read: nobody likes him, but they have no problems with each other), and that he doesn't feel they are that strong as cooks. So in one breath, he's managed to combine disgust that nobody likes him with disgust that everyone around him sucks. That's some ability.
Time to get shopping. Half of each team heads to Whole Foods, while the other half goes to a warehouse kind of store. Spike intelligently sticks Dale with Lisa, knowing Lisa can handle him. Nikki, he says, has a tendency to get flustered, and would wilt if exposed to a teammate who debates and nags at every turn. Team Chocolate Chip doesn't have as much interpersonal stress, though Andrew makes the valid point that Richard naturally tends to step up as executive chef, and you have to have a strong voice to get your own point of view across. I'll spare you the pointless scene of flower selection. Supplies are purchased, and everyone heads back to the house.
9 PM. The chefs are dropped off at the Kitchen to get started on their all-nighter. I hope they managed to wedge in a nap before they came. They've got fourteen hours to get everything ready to serve their guests (125 per team). Lisa reiterates that the groom requested simple Italian food, and having no experience with that, she is relying entirely on Nikki. Team Audit's appetizers will be some assorted flatbreads and bruschetta. For the buffet, Nikki is making pasta again, and there will also be some mixed veggies and cheeses, filet mignon, Chilean sea bass, and some orecchiette with ragu (meat-based sauce). Spike is dealing with all of the grilled vegetables, Dale works on the proteins, and Lisa devotes herself to the chocolate hazelnut cake. Dale says he can handle his workload with no problem, while Lisa frets over any looming disaster that can befall the cake.
Team Ladybug divides up their work. Antonia is making two kinds of pizza, a pulled pork sandwich, and some short ribs with blue cheese in phyllo. Andrew and Richard work on the main courses, which will be Andrew's ill-advised crispy chicken, brisket, filet mignon, creamed spinach, and potato gratin. Stephanie will be making a dark chocolate cake with a cream cheese and lemon filling. She frets over any looming disaster that can befall the cake. These people must see cakes in their nightmares. Richard is handling the bulk of the meat. That sentence didn't sound so dirty in my head. He wants to make sure that his wedding food isn't as sucky as most. Stephanie starts blending a gigantic bowl of chocolate. Mmm. Antonia peels potatoes, army style.
Spike and Lisa ask Nikki how she roasts her potatoes, and the fact that she's going to shoulder the burden of responsibility for this menu finally dawns on her. She hurriedly says that she's "down with not making all the decisions", but it's too late. The second she happily bonded with the groom over their identical palates, she became Team Poison Ivy's ad hoc leader. Lisa is not filled with respect over Nikki's waffling. Dale, meanwhile, is doing the majority of the grunt work. And in one breath, he manages to be extremely proud of his workhorse attitude, while complaining about how much he has to do. Another handy ability!
Commercials. While it'd be nice to have a free camera drop from the sky, I worry about the collateral damage.
At 11:15 PM, everyone's doing well, but by 2 AM, the strain is beginning to show. Andrew says he'll be spending the next five hours making creamed spinach. "I am literally buried in spinach," he says. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OK, I know I babble about grammar a lot. But I swear I would take back every jibe about "myself" misuse, every gripe about subject/verb agreement, and every moan about apostrophe torture if people would just learn how to use the word literally. Well, maybe not the apostrophe torture. That drives me batshit, too. But at least apostrophe torture is the product of carelessness. It's not a conscious effort to emphasize a point. I said in the short version that if the only mark I made on the world were to get people to stop abusing literally, I would die a happy man. Once and for all, unless you're carrying a 2000-pound backpack, you do not "literally" have a ton of homework. Unless your parents are crazed psychopaths, they will not "literally" kill you if you break curfew. And Andrew, unless you plan to have a leafy green coffin, you are not "literally" buried in spinach. Phew, I feel better.
Richard makes some suggestions for the spinach, such as adding star anise. Andrew tells us in interview that Richard butting in is bullshit, but it doesn't look like he has the stones to tell Richard this directly. Meanwhile, Dale is looking after so many components of the menu, his work is starting to look shoddy. Lisa interviews that if only a small portion of what you make is good, what's the point of doing the rest? Which is true, and if Dale were better-liked, this is where his teammates would jump in to help out. But they don't. Care to guess the valuable lesson buried here? I'll bet you know what it is! Spike actually does take over the sea bass, but not because he's concerned about how much Dale has to do. He takes it so that he'll have something to show the judges that came purely from him, rather than just a bunch of grilled vegetables. Nikki checks in long enough to figure out that she and Dale have very different ideas about what goes into a ragu. Does Nikki outline her concerns to Dale? Does Dale ask for assistance with his myriad of tasks? The answer to both of these questions is the same.
At 5:33 AM, we're into the exhaustion phase. Nikki says she's dizzy, tired, and dehydrated. Um, I think I know the cure for that last one. You're cooking all night, not imprisoned in a Soviet gulag. Some chefs get slap-happy. Andrew stops chittering. Lisa tells Antonia that her facial expression hasn't changed for seven hours. Heh. At 7:33 AM, Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste. Eesh, I wouldn't want to deal with this on a full night's sleep, let alone after an all-nighter. Ptom references Wedding Bell Blues, and hopes the challenge doesn't end up like that. On first viewing, I bellow a "fuck you" that fills Timiffany's house to the rafters. Lisa's almost done with her cake, though she tells Ptom that it still needs some finishing touches. Nikki makes another futile attempt to avoid being the creative force behind Team Pockmark's menu. Dale is so tired, he can't even remember what he's cooked. Ptom warns them not to dumb down their food, just because they have to serve 125 people at the same time. Sure, make everyone an individual rack of lamb shaped like their favorite animal.
His walkthrough complete, Ptom tells us that the chefs being exhausted will probably be a major factor. You think? He also thinks Lisa's cake is ugly and that Team Promotion has a harder menu as far as winning over a crowd goes. As time winds down, people pack up their food for transport. Stephanie says she's going to assemble the cake at the venue itself. Smart move. Lisa's is already assembled, so she guards it like the Hope Diamond, because if it smashes, she's hosed. Richard hopes to be able to say awake through the reception. I imagine having a chef pass out in the brisket is less than appetizing.
Commercials. I'm glad you're able to control your asthma, ma'am. Maybe now you can concentrate on the fact that you're just a silhouette. It seems a far more pressing medical problem.
Wedding. Forgive me, but I'm going to skip over anything that isn't chef-related. I'm sure the couple that scored a free wedding for allowing it to be televised will love each other until the end of time. The chefs have some additional prep time at the wedding venue, and everyone's tense and irritable. Stephanie assembles and decorates her cake. Ptom, Gail, and Padma enter just long enough introduce guest judge Gale Gand, who owns a restaurant and is a well-known pastry chef. Stephanie is not thrilled to serve a beginner's cake to the city's top cake maker. Wedding. Stephanie and Antonia move the cake out into the dining room. It's been decorated with flowers, and looks very nice, especially for someone with little to no pastry experience. Food is plated. An army of waiters enters. The reception starts. Hors d'oeuvres are served, starting with Antonia's short ribs in phyllo, which look good. The pulled pork sandwich with homemade pickle looks tasty, too, though the bride finds it a bit messy. The pizzas go over very well, so Team Happiness is living up to its name. Team Depression sends out their flatbread and sausage pizza. It gets some nods and approval. Dale's bruschetta, on the other hand, is really, really dry and crunchy. Guests can barely bite into it.
Everyone moves into the dining room for dinner, and the sun magically sets instantly. Richard girds himself for the onslaught of guests. Antonia says that she and Richard will work the line, Stephanie will run things back and forth, and Andrew's staying in the kitchen, and "not allowed to talk to the guests...seriously." Haha! That little beat is what made it genius. Dale complains that none of the people he despises and holds in utter contempt is helping him cook. Yeah, it's a puzzler. Richard fawns over the bride, saying if she doesn't like the food, it doesn't matter if everyone else does. Antonia serves some creamed spinach to a lady who says she herself makes a good one, and Antonia obediently makes a "Whoa, I'd better watch out, then!" face. Richard gives the judges some filet mignon with horseradish sauce and red wine syrup. The best sauce I ever had was made with reduced red wine, so I'm always excited to see one. He also serves his brisket, then sends the judges down to Antonia to serve Andrew's almond and basil-crusted chicken breast. Man, Kender was right. Enough with the breading.
The judges tuck in, and are immediately impressed with Team Unicorn's food. Ptom says the horseradish sauce is delicious, and he almost never gives praise that high. Not everything gets raves. As Antonia predicted, Andrew's chicken is not a crowd-pleaser. Gail says the breaded chicken was better in the Common Threads challenge, and Ptom points out that it was served right away last week, as opposed to sitting around in a chafing dish tonight. Lisa and Nikki serve their assorted vegetable/cheese plate to the groom. Two other guests grab some of Nikki's tortellini, which is stuffed with butternut squash, brown butter, and sage. Spike serves his Chilean sea bass, which is served with artichokes, capers, olives, and tomatoes. Sounds good. Dale's ragu is served, along with his filet mignon, which has a similar horseradish sauce to the other team's. The food is not nearly as well-received as Team Vacation's was. Nikki's pasta is too sweet, and the grilled vegetables were unappetizing and unoriginal. Dale's ragu gets high marks, though. Various guests enjoy both teams' food. Both cakes are cut. Lisa is practically bursting with a mixture of nerves and pride, and it's really quite charming. The chefs get ready to head home, and are hesitantly confident in their chances.
Commercials. I want to like Cameron Diaz. I really do. Why does she make it so impossible?
Judges' Table. The chefs fret 'n' sweat. Actually, this is more of a yawn 'n' sweat. The judges agree with Spike that a bride would be harder to please than a groom. Speaking of Spike, he and Antonia are congratulating Stephanie and Lisa for the balls it took to accept responsibility for the cakes. Stephanie and Lisa share an exhausted high-five. Padma comes back to the Kitchen, and summons Team Laughter to Judges' Table. They trudge in and line up. Ptom asks who chose to work for the bride, and Richard raises his hand, saying that the day is all about the bride and what she wants. That custom annoys me in the extreme, but as this is a super-sized episode and it appears to just be lip service in this case, let's not even get into it. Andrew is taken to task for making the same chicken he did last week, and for the strange taste of his creamed spinach. Richard accepts responsibility for the spinach, saying that the star anise was his idea. Andrew agrees that he wasn't happy with the spinach, and Richard makes a face like "Didn't I just stand up for you? Why twist the knife?".
It turns out not to matter, as Team Victory lives up to that name by winning the challenge. The looks of worry are replaced by big smiles. Gale usually takes three days to make a wedding cake, and was very impressed by Stephanie's quick version. Stephanie's teammates jump in to give her all the credit for a job well done. Aw. Antonia's pizza outshone the team that focused on Italian food. Richard's brisket was fantastic. Gale gets to announce the challenge winner, which is unsurprisingly Richard. Before they go any further, though, Richard asks if he can turn over his win to Stephanie. Double aw! Stephanie thanks him, and when she wins a $2000 gift certificate to Crate & Barrel, asks Richard if he just wants to share it. Triple aw! Although a thousand bucks at Crate & Barrel would net you about two plates and a measuring cup. Stephanie interviews how great it was that the team got along and respected each other. You know what that's the cue for. Padma asks them to send out Team Claire Danes' Career, which Richard sadly does.
Odd Asian music. Gong. Lisa's scowl has found its way home. First, the judges go into the division of labor. Lisa did the cake, Dale says he cooked all the fillets, made the potatoes, and did the pork ragu. Nikki made the pasta and the pesto sauce. Spike did the sea bass and the vegetables. Ptom asks who was "driving the bus" as far as the Italian menu. What is this show's obsession with buses? Anyhow, Nikki disavows any responsibility whatsoever for influencing the team's choices, and just as before, it doesn't do any good. She does admit that people looked for her opinions, due to her experience in Italian cooking, but says she wasn't "playing executive chef". Yeah, Nikki's screwed. If she claims she was at the helm, they'll make it her fault the team lost. If she tries to avoid being at the helm, they'll say "Well, why not, if you're an Italian chef?", and make it her fault the team lost.
Turning to the cake, Lisa says that the groom wanted something simple that wouldn't outshine the bride's cake. Although that gives Lisa a handy excuse to make an ugly cake, Ptom approved of the flavor, saying it tasted better than the other one. Lisa nods, knowing that if she can just keep her trap shut for the rest of the night, she'll be fine. After ascertaining that it was the groom's idea to have an antipasto plate, Ptom says that the big problem was that there was a lot of food going on, but a lot of it just wasn't that good. Nikki's pasta was dry and sweet. The pizza was hard. The fillet was overcooked. The horseradish sauce was flavorless. Ouch! Man, they're slamming down harder than usual.
When asked when and by whom the bruschetta was toasted, Dale says it was before they went to the wedding, and that he did it, adding "That's another thing that I did." The implication is, of course, that his food was lackluster because his mean old teammates saddled him with so much work. Spike picks up on this, and rather childishly tells Dale to go ahead and get it all out. Dale says that he hustled, and Nikki points out that nobody disagrees with that. Ptom asks if that means Dale thinks someone else wasn't pulling their weight. Spike again beats Dale to the punch in being as annoying as possible, and chides him to go ahead and point some fingers, since he's obviously longing to do it. Which is true, but... Let him hang himself, Spike. No need to make yourself just as obnoxious. Too late. Dale and Spike snipe back and forth for a bit. Spike says he feels like he pushed harder than Dale in the challenge. For an accurate response to that, please refer to Lisa's massive eyeroll.
Damn, I think she's going to pull a muscle.
Dale declares Spike's "pushed harder than you" statement is bullshit, which makes Spike whine that Dale is "such a little bitch, bro". Dale is completely asinine in this episode, and I wish Spike wasn't making it so difficult to be on his side. Nikki puts an end to it by telling them to stop, and telling the judges that she takes responsibility for her dishes. Spike "regrets stooping down to [Dale's] level". Lisa wisely stays silent. Gail asks if Spike wants to hear how the sea bass was. "Yeah, I guess so, why not?" he sneers. "Everyone really liked it," Gail says simply, and Spike gets a wide smile, as if he hasn't just been a huge douchenozzle. Dale gets a last barb in when he says the judges should have liked it, as it took Spike three hours to make it.
If Dale had just asked his teammates for help instead of silently seething, he'd have much more of a case here. And Spike just finished up being thoroughly irritating. But the thing is, and always was, that Dale can't have it both ways. If he's so much better than everyone else, and doesn't want to condescend to build respectful relationships with his competitors, then he cannot turn around and complain that they're not doing enough to help him. Yes, I said "respectful", Dale. Note I didn't say that you had to be best friends forever with everyone. You don't have to paint their nails, invite them to your birthday party, or even play pool with them. But if your constant attitude is "you suck", don't be all surprised and wounded when nobody pulls you out of the quicksand you've stepped into.
The chefs are dismissed. Padma and Gail agree that it was an interesting panel. They seem a little too delighted by the discord they've sown. Thankfully, they quickly move on to their impressions of the food. Spike's fish was good, but not enough to base an entire night's work on. They admit he also did the vegetables, which weren't very good, but are time-consuming. Ptom says Dale feels he shouldn't go home because he did the bulk of the work. Gail says he should have edited the list of what he had to get done. Please, as if they'd even think of getting rid of The Asshole this early. Nikki didn't step up to anchor the menu on her expertise, and should have. See? Back in the Kitchen, Dale is trying to rationalize how he acted, asking if anyone else wouldn't have spoken up about their "urgency" or someone else's lack of it. Nikki, not unkindly, says that "you can't point fingers at Judges' Table; you become THAT GUY. They are not going to look at you any better when you do that." Well said. The judges make a decision.
Commercials. If you like rocks, you'll love Texas.
Elimination. Team Rigor Mortis' menu was too expansive, and they didn't focus on individual flavors. Dale did the bulk of the work, but the judges didn't care for the bulk of that work. Nikki had the most experience with the menu, but didn't assert herself. Spike is lazy. Lisa is spared any criticism. Ptom throws it over to Padma for the chop. Nikki. Please pack your knives and go. Those Catch-22s will get you every time. She hugs Spike. Lisa sucks a lemon. Then... Dale shakes Spike's hand? And hugs him? Huh? Nikki is proud of how she did, saying that this is one of those experiences in which you test yourself, and she's glad she got this far. People have certainly been studying up on their gracious loser speeches. Nobody wants to be a Betty. Nikki is content to go home to her restaurant and family, and says she's a stronger person for the experience. Nice woman. And I bet her pasta is awesome.
Overall Grade: B+
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Ready for My Close-Up
America's Next Top Model - Season 10, Episode 11
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Katarzyna was pretty, but boring, and got eliminated. That's all they can find to say about last week, so they see fit to tell us what happened two weeks ago as well. I'll assume you're up to speed.
The challenge this week is to act as photographer, and each of the girls takes pictures of Paulina in the park. Whitney and Fatima do a nice job, but Anya and Dominique are too unfocused. Fatima wins the challenge, which gives her fifty extra frames at the upcoming photo shoot.
The shoot is photographed by Nigel, and the girls are styled as '50s glamour queens who have been caught by the paparazzi. Because swarms of paparazzi were such a big problem in the 1950s.
LabRat: "If this were really the '50s, Fatima would be dressed like a maid."
Nobody seems to do that great a job, but Anya lucks into a good shot, and Whitney's natural beauty powers her through. That leaves Fatima and Dominique in the bottom two, and the battle of whose self-satisfaction is least warranted is finally settled, as Dominique is banished.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: This crushing bore of a season comes to a close. I'm throwing my tepid support behind Whitney.
Overall Grade: C
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Katarzyna was pretty, but boring, and got eliminated. That's all they can find to say about last week, so they see fit to tell us what happened two weeks ago as well. I'll assume you're up to speed.
The challenge this week is to act as photographer, and each of the girls takes pictures of Paulina in the park. Whitney and Fatima do a nice job, but Anya and Dominique are too unfocused. Fatima wins the challenge, which gives her fifty extra frames at the upcoming photo shoot.
The shoot is photographed by Nigel, and the girls are styled as '50s glamour queens who have been caught by the paparazzi. Because swarms of paparazzi were such a big problem in the 1950s.
LabRat: "If this were really the '50s, Fatima would be dressed like a maid."
Nobody seems to do that great a job, but Anya lucks into a good shot, and Whitney's natural beauty powers her through. That leaves Fatima and Dominique in the bottom two, and the battle of whose self-satisfaction is least warranted is finally settled, as Dominique is banished.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: This crushing bore of a season comes to a close. I'm throwing my tepid support behind Whitney.
Overall Grade: C
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Common Threads
Top Chef - Season 4, Episode 8
Previously on Top Chef: Improv comedy. Spike finally got to make his soup, much to Antonia's chagrin. Ptom threatened Antonia with elimination, but it was Jennifer who took the long walk. The lesbians just can't catch a break this season. Nine chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening menu. Oooh, Haagen Dazs! Yes, please.
Morning in Chicago. Lisa smokes a cigarette out on the deck, her customary expression of "What the fuck you lookin' at?" settled on her face. Stephanie, who's been among the judges' favorites, finally saw what it felt like to be at the losers' table, and she's not a fan. Antonia, also not happy to have been at the losers' table, grouchily declares that fuck it, she's just going to stick to her guns from now on. Has she...not been doing that? Seems to me she's been plenty stalwart, but whatever. Mark wants to kick-start his American career. The chefs drag themselves out for the day.
Quickfire Challenge. The chefs stroll into the Kitchen, where they're met by Padma and this week's guest judge, Art Smith. He's won award for writing cookbooks and for humanitarianism, but apparently the real scoop is that he's Oprah's personal chef. Despite what several of the websites I read avow, not everyone's in the Cult of Oprah, so this is news to me. News I don't particularly care about. He seems like a personable fellow, so yay for that. Normally, I don't mention product placement in this blog, cause it's not like I'm getting cut any checks. Still, I'll willingly cheer for products I like, and these microwaveable packets of Uncle Ben's rice is one of them. Seriously, they're good and they're fast. They figure into today's Quickfire, which is all about speed and efficiency. The chefs have only fifteen minutes to throw together an entree. Lisa, half-amused and half-grumpy, interviews that this will lead to complete chaos. Padma says they're welcome to use the ninety-second packets of rice for an assist, and starts the clock.
Chefs scatter more violently than usual. Richard interviews that quick food doesn't really dovetail with his style of cooking. Everyone runs all over, trying not to collide. Dale says that it's helpful that a lot of Asian dishes are naturally fast, coming together quickly under intense heat. Stephanie improvs a week too late, throwing together some scallop pancakes that she's never made before. Spike returns to his Greek roots by stuffing some peppers with a rice mixture. Antonia falls back on an old family favorite: Rice salad. She assures us it tastes better than it sounds. Mad chopping and pouring montage. A blender makes a cyclone of rice that looks super-cool. Richard abandons any hope of making something refined, and concentrates on making sure the dish is complete and seasoned properly. I'm not sure how I feel about his overall personality, but I really like Richard's ruthless efficiency and his ostentation-free competence; they're surprisingly rare characteristics in most reality show competitors. Harold also had that combination, and look where that got him. Mark says that this is the most difficult Quickfire, and although he's tasted all the components of his miso-glazed turkey, he didn't taste everything together. Well, sure. Milk chocolate is good, and macaroni and cheese is good, so they must be awesome together, right? Time runs out.
Padma and Art go down the line. Antonia's rice salad is made of arugula, red onion, and cherry tomatoes, and is augmented by some skirt steak on the side. Art likes the combination of cold and hot. Nikki has made a simple vegetable fried rice, which was a good idea, if not very inventive. She's put a bowl of soy sauce on the side, saying that she always slathers her fried rice in it. Me too, Nikki. Art seems to enjoy it. Richard has made a quick tuna steak with tomatoes and truffle oil over the rice, and has a yuzu vinaigrette. Art likes the yuzu with the tomato, which Richard actually seems surprised by. Stephanie explains her unfamiliarity with her scallop pancakes, which were also made with brown rice, and is topped with greens. Art says that it was a clever idea. Stephanie hopes to finally nail down some immunity.
Spike's peppers are stuffed with veal, port, and a rice wine vinegar sauce. Art says that it's wonderful, and a great way to serve a vegetable. Lisa's plate is messy, and includes rice, corn, black beans, peppers, grilled shrimp, lime juice, tequila-sauteed onions, and an avocado cream. Well, it's messy, but it sounds good. Art says something non-committal about the acid from the lime juice. Dale has pineapple fried rice with grilled scallops and some Chinese long beans. Art likes the use of an often-ignored vegetable. Mark's turkey is the first dish to get an out-and-out criticism. Both judges find it much too dry. Andrew has crusted some fish with almonds and rice, and serves it with a sun-dried tomato pesto. Art says it's a clever idea, but that Andrew needs more than fifteen minutes to get this one right. Andrew is, like, "yep".
Results. Bottom three first. Mark's dish didn't work at all. Stephanie's idea was good, but the cake was heavy and the scallops were unnecessary. Man, she blows at Quickfires. Lisa's food was unoriginal. Now, to the top three. Dale's food tasted good, and was a complete meal. Richard's yuzu was delicious on the tomato. Antonia's rice salad and steak mixed cold and hot well. So well that she wins the challenge and its attendant immunity. She takes it as another sign to stay true to who she is. All right then.
Elimination Challenge. Padma explains that Art spearheads an initiative to get families to eat together. It's an extremely worthy idea, but if that's the extent of his "humanitarianism" referred to before, I call bullshit. Antonia is very supportive of this goal, saying that she grew up eating dinner with the family, and tries to do so with her own daughter as much as possible. I'm not sure how much that can be when you're a restaurant chef. I'd imagine that the dinner hours are taken up by... You know, other people's dinners. Padma says that families need to figure out how to make simple, affordable, nutritious meals, which figures into today's challenge. The chefs are to make a nutritious, complete dinner for a family of four, simple enough to be cooked at home with a bunch of ankle-biters running around. The real kicker is that they've only got ten dollars to do it. Yikes. Predictably, the single chefs (well, Andrew) are all "Whaaaaaaaaa?", while Antonia points out that not all of us get weekly wads of cash to drop at gourmet grocery stores. After shopping, the chefs will prep their food at a culinary institute. Everyone's dismissed.
Commercials. Okay, there is such a thing as a French fry that's too crispy. Let's not go nuts.
The chefs stream into Whole Foods for half an hour of shopping time with their ten bucks. Now, a lot of adjectives apply to Whole Foods, but I've got to tell you, "inexpensive" is not one of them. The last thing I bought there was some chicken breast that wasn't even a pound and a half, and that alone almost ran me ten dollars. So when the chefs charge to the poultry counter and load up on meat (chicken in most cases, turkey bratwurst for Dale), and still have money left over for organic vegetables, and whole wheat pasta, and whatever else, I'm suspicious. I guess they get access to a bunch of free ingredients back at the Kitchen, which is fine, but then let's not pretend that these meals actually cost ten dollars. Stephanie's mom raised her on gourmet food with little regard to cost, so she wanders around the aisles, flustered. Antonia, meanwhile, puts her mad phat single mom skillz to work. Mark compiles ingredients for a vegetable curry. As everyone checks out, they do what they can to avoid going overbudget. Antonia is literally peeling leaves of bok choy away to lower her bill by a quarter. Eventually, everyone makes it through.
Later that evening, Mark sits on his bed and plays a didgeridoo. I guess it's required by law to learn if you're from Australia or New Zealand. Antonia calls her daughter back home, and the entire conversation is cute as hell, especially the inclusion of a knock-knock joke I've never heard before.
Antonia: "Knock-knock."
Daughter: "Who's there?"
Antonia: "Smell mop."
Daughter: "Smell mop who?"
Antonia: "Get it?"
Daughter: "No..."
Antonia: "Smell mah poo."
Daughter and Limecrete: "Hahahaha!"
Antonia vows to us that she'll cook as hard as she can every single day, until she can't cook anymore. It's refreshing to see a contestant referencing her family back home without sounding like she was forced against her will to leave.
The next morning, the chefs head for the Washburne Culinary Institute, which appears to be housed in a community college. Everyone is still setting up when Padma and Art come in, and Padma asks everyone to gather around. You, madam, are no Tim Gunn. She smiles that the chefs will have some extra help today. Nikki looks like she knows exactly what's coming. The door opens, and some kids enter in big chef hats that threaten to swallow their heads. They're introduced as members of the program Art runs. Antonia's face crumbles. She's been doing well with focusing on the competition, but working with kids makes her a bit emotional, and she says that if she winds up with a girl, she'll probably wind up crying through the whole challenge. Padma thanks the kids for helping out, then pairs them off with chefs. Stephanie's kid is practically as tall as she is. Heh, I feel you on that one, Stephanie. Andrew says it's an honor to work with his assistant, bowing politely. Luckily for Antonia, she gets a boy. Everyone seems perfectly content to look after the kids, and I wonder to myself how Tiffani would have handled this challenge.
Everyone gets started on prep work, and we're let in on some menus. Lisa is making chicken breasts with edamame, lime, and black beans, and there will be some white bread with peanut butter and apple. She says that her girlfriend has a kid who loves to cook, and it's great when he wants to help out. Her assistant isn't too keen on garlic, so she merrily trashes it. Heh. Richard works on chicken thighs, and will also be including beet, avocado, lime, jalapeno, apple, black beans, and ginger root. He's a bit concerned with how the beets will go over with kids. Yeah, beets are tricky. Antonia sets about making a stir fry with linguine, chicken breast, bok choy, carrots, onion, red pepper, and edamame. After ascertaining that her assistant won't chop his hand off, she turns the veggies over to him. Spike knows spaghetti is a big hit in Kid World, so he's making some with pasta sauce, capers, olives, and Parmesan. There's also going to be a carrot soup with oranges, and some baked apples. His assistant tries to peel a carrot, and almost immediately nicks himself. Yep, that's how you learn. Geysers of blood is how I learned how to (or rather, how NOT to) cut the skin off a sausage. They head over to the sink to rinse the cut, and Spike's assistant shakes off the pain and gets back on peeling the carrots. Atta boy.
Mark tries to describe curry to his assistant. He says that trying new foods can be daunting, and Lisa agrees in interview that curry for a family meal is probably not the best idea, as it's too complicated. Mark's curry includes curry paste, coconut milk, sweet potatoes, cucumber, and naan. Mmm...naan. Haven't had that in far too long. Nikki pours out a liberal amount of olive oil, asking her assistant if she likes it. Sure, who doesn't? Nikki's roasting chicken with red potatoes and Brussels sprouts, with an apple/grape tomato/cucumber salad on the side. She tells us she was raised by a single parent, and started cooking for herself when she was about eight. Dale puts his assistant to work, and explains his menu of turkey bratwurst, potatoes, onions, red cabbage, apples, salsa, and mustard. He says that his assistant is the smallest kid there, which he can empathize with. Dale actually achieves charm for once, as he rues plateauing at 5'5" in seventh grade, which crushed his dreams of playing basketball. Andrew sets up an assembly line of sorts for his assistant to bread the chicken thighs in crumbs, egg, and Parmesan. There'll also be a fennel salad.
Kender: "He can't stop breading things."
Andrew laments the state of healthy eating in America, saying that he, himself used to weigh over 200 pounds in high school, and had to lose a lot of weight. Well, that crack addiction seems to have done the trick. Stephanie and her assistant work on a vegetable couscous that includes eggplant, zucchini, tomatoes, and Parmesan. The couscous is topped with some chicken in a peanut butter/tomato sauce. Yes, you read that correctly. There is also an apple/yogurt/granola dessert that Stephanie's assistant takes charge of.
Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste. He's really good with the kids, which is heartening. We find out he's going to be spending the entire time in the kitchen, I guess to make sure the chefs are actually allowing the kids to help out, and to see how simple the dishes are to prepare. Cooking montage. Chefs and their kids begin to plate. Time runs out. High fives are exchanged.
Commercials. If you drink your beer at a certain temperature, women will want to have sex with you.
The judges (Padma, Gail, and Art) come into the culinary institute's dining room, and greet the tables full of kids. I wonder how many portions of each dish had to be made, because there is no way in hell ten bucks could feed this many people. Richard's food is brought out first, and out of the corner of my eye, I see that someone's playing Connect Four. Oh, sweet. Try to get him diagonally! Pretty sneaky, sis! His assistant gets to sit with some other kids to eat, and Richard brings his roasted chicken with black beans, apple, and avocado/beet salad to the judges. Everyone likes it, though Art would have taken the skin off the chicken. OK, I know they're supposed to be making nutritious food, but the skin's the best part! Lisa brings out her roasted chicken with edamame and black beans. Her assistant has smeared bread with peanut butter and done an artistic arrangement of apples on top. The judges aren't wild about the chicken, but do like the side snack.
Dale comes out with his turkey bratwurst, which looks tasty. One of the kids worriedly asks how spicy it is. Heh. The judges find the cabbage strong, which Padma says is fine for some people, but when you're cooking for a family of varying tastes, the flavors should be more universal. I guess I can see where she's coming from with that, though I don't necessarily agree. Spike's table is thrilled to see the spaghetti, and it looks like he's been able to do the most with his budget. His assistant explains to Gail that they've made pasta puttanesca, carrot soup with oranges, and semi-baked apples. Spike says the apples didn't have time to bake all the way, but are still okay. Art slurps up some noodles.
LabRat: "Oh, yeah. You know he likes pasta."
The judges really like the flavor, and the amount of vegetables that went into it. Nikki is happy with the way her chicken came out, as are the judges. Art is particularly impressed that it was prepared in one pot, which I'm glad they gave some attention to. I'm always seeing online recipes and television cooks proudly brag about how simple something is, then go on to describe the thirty-three dishes, utensils, and instruments I'll need to make it. I don't have a dishwasher. If I can throw a meal together in twenty minutes, but it takes twice as long to clean up afterwards, that's not what I'd call "simple". Anyway, Gail likes how complete Nikki's dish is.
Ptom chows down in the kitchen, which makes Mark nervous. He takes his vegetable curry out to the other judges, and lets his assistant explain that it comes with cinnamon rice and cucumber salad. The judges think the curry is far too sweet, and that the dish doesn't have enough protein in it. Antonia brings out her chicken and vegetable stir fry with whole wheat noodles. It looks really good. Damn, I've got to stop sitting down to write these entries before I eat. Padma says Antonia's dish has trumped Spike's spaghetti. Gail points out that Antonia certainly knows what she's doing in this challenge, as it's what she does in real life. Andrew brings out his chicken paillard. Ah, so that explains why we saw his assistant beating the chicken with a frying pan. Art finds it to be a very well-executed dish. Stephanie brings out her veggie couscous and chicken in peanut butter/tomato sauce. There's also a simple plate of apples mixed with yogurt and granola. The judges don't like the couscous at all, and Gail says that the dish is a good example of a restaurant chef that obviously doesn't cook much at home. Ouch.
We have a slight break with tradition, as Ptom is the one to congratulate the chefs and tells them that he'll see them at Judges' Table. The chefs wander out, and Ptom joins the other judges out in the dining room. He tells them how the chefs did a good job of letting the kids get involved with the cooking. Nikki's dish was colorful, delicious, and presented well. Antonia's dish was unsurprisingly successful. Ptom adds that Antonia told him that it's one of the dishes Antonia makes with her daughter at home. On the other hand, Lisa's dish was a bland plate of food, and Stephanie's peanut butter/tomato sauce was way off. We spend a brief moment back with the chefs so we can hear that Richard's anxious to get home and impregnate his wife.
Commercials. No need to do Dr. Phil imitations anymore. Imitations are for culturally relevant people.
Fret 'n' sweat. The chefs talk about how awesome their assistants were. Padma comes back to the Kitchen, and summons Andrew, Nikki, and Antonia to Judges' Table. They are, of course, the top three of the challenge, and are happy to hear it. Nikki's one-pot dish was a great idea, and was well-seasoned. Andrew made fruit accessible in a savory dish, and introduced fennel to children in an intelligent way. Antonia's stir fry was delicious and delicate. Gail points out that these dishes prove that it's not necessary to dumb food down for children. Art gets to announce the challenge winner. It's Antonia, with the rare double win. Well, if you ignore that Richard pulled off the same feat last week. I guess it's not as rare as I'd like to think. She's happy, saying it would have been embarrassing to lose at this challenge, and dedicates the win to her daughter. Unfortunately, the only thing her daughter receives is the duty of sending out this week's losing chefs. There's some quick applause for Antonia in the Kitchen, before she says that the judges want to see Lisa, Stephanie, and Mark. Wow, it's the same bottom three as in the Quickfire. Not a good week for these guys.
The Odd Asian music must be on vacation this week, but our friend the gong is still around. Lisa is already scowling. Stephanie looks petrified. Mark's expression never changes. Like, ever. Padma duhs that the three of them had the least successful dishes. Stephanie is asked why she thinks she's here, and she guesses that her dish wasn't simple enough. Ptom says that the big problem was the bizarre combination of peanut butter and tomatoes. Art says the portion was too large, which I refuse to accept as a valid criticism, and that the couscous wasn't right. Stephanie agrees that it was slightly overcooked, and answers in the affirmative when asked if she spent her entire budget. No, dorks, she spent six bucks and pocketed the rest so she could get a box of Cap'n Crunch.
Mark says he tasted the curry before it went out, and that he was fine with it. He doesn't know why he's at the losers' table, guessing that it's because Ptom doesn't like him. Ptom cracks up, and says he hopes Mark isn't serious. Mark appears to be at least half-serious, saying Ptom is really difficult to please. Art and Gail say that Mark could have put a lot more vegetables and more protein into the dish. Mark says that there are plenty of vegetarian dishes lacking protein in restaurants everywhere, so he doesn't really get the point of the criticism. The judges don't have a response to that. Lisa snaps that she enjoyed her dish, but lets her voice relax when she says that she thought it was nutritious, balanced, and had some sweetness at the end. Ptom says he found the beans and edamame undercooked and underseasoned. Yeah, I love edamame, but you have to salt the shit out of it. Lisa scowls some more.
Tiffany: "She looks like she's got mono."
Limecrete: "She could suck a lemon from here to Tupelo."
Tiffany: "She was weaned on a pickle."
Lisa says that she's learned her lesson from the last challenge, and tried to stick to the rules of this one: Originality, simplicity, nutrition, and affordability. She implies that the tight budget meant getting supplies that aren't as good. That doesn't really explain the underseasoning, but I see what she means. Ptom says she hit the points of the challenge, but that the beans just needed more flavor. The chefs are dismissed. Deliberations. Lisa can't take criticism. Her food was beautiful, but flavorless. Back in the Kitchen, Lisa's saying that if she was expecting a criticism, it would be that the food would be overseasoned, not under. That's not the first time we've heard that, and I have to wonder if the judges' palates have been hit with so much spice, they can't taste anything that isn't a punch to the uvula. Mark's curry was sloppy and unappealing. Ptom thinks he didn't spend his money wisely. Stephanie has made sensible, well-thought decisions up until this week. Her sauce was disgusting, and Padma detested it. Art says that couscous should be easy, and Stephanie's was mush on a plate. The judges reach a decision.
Commercials. Feel free to keep inundating us with these ads, Bravo. I'm still not watching a knockoff of a knockoff of a dancing show.
Elimination. Ptom is once again forced into using horrible puns, saying that the "common thread" of these dishes is that they weren't good. Stephanie's sauce was off-putting. Mark didn't use his money well, and the dish never came together. Lisa's meal was plenty nutritious, but lacked flavor. He hands it over to Padma for the chopping. Mark, please pack your knives and go. Stephanie lets her breath out. Ptom adds a bit defensively that for the record, he doesn't dislike Mark; that he's a good competitor and fun to be around. Mark is surprised to be eliminated, as most people are on this show. He's not bitter, though, saying that it'll be a valuable stepping stone and was good experience. He thinks the other chefs are great people, and will continue to work towards owning his own restaurant. Peachy.
Next week on Top Chef: Yes, I actually watched the preview for once. Why not, since they went ahead and ruined it during the commercials in this episode? A long night of cooking drives the chefs crazy. Wedding food. Uh, oh.
Overall Grade: B
Previously on Top Chef: Improv comedy. Spike finally got to make his soup, much to Antonia's chagrin. Ptom threatened Antonia with elimination, but it was Jennifer who took the long walk. The lesbians just can't catch a break this season. Nine chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening menu. Oooh, Haagen Dazs! Yes, please.
Morning in Chicago. Lisa smokes a cigarette out on the deck, her customary expression of "What the fuck you lookin' at?" settled on her face. Stephanie, who's been among the judges' favorites, finally saw what it felt like to be at the losers' table, and she's not a fan. Antonia, also not happy to have been at the losers' table, grouchily declares that fuck it, she's just going to stick to her guns from now on. Has she...not been doing that? Seems to me she's been plenty stalwart, but whatever. Mark wants to kick-start his American career. The chefs drag themselves out for the day.
Quickfire Challenge. The chefs stroll into the Kitchen, where they're met by Padma and this week's guest judge, Art Smith. He's won award for writing cookbooks and for humanitarianism, but apparently the real scoop is that he's Oprah's personal chef. Despite what several of the websites I read avow, not everyone's in the Cult of Oprah, so this is news to me. News I don't particularly care about. He seems like a personable fellow, so yay for that. Normally, I don't mention product placement in this blog, cause it's not like I'm getting cut any checks. Still, I'll willingly cheer for products I like, and these microwaveable packets of Uncle Ben's rice is one of them. Seriously, they're good and they're fast. They figure into today's Quickfire, which is all about speed and efficiency. The chefs have only fifteen minutes to throw together an entree. Lisa, half-amused and half-grumpy, interviews that this will lead to complete chaos. Padma says they're welcome to use the ninety-second packets of rice for an assist, and starts the clock.
Chefs scatter more violently than usual. Richard interviews that quick food doesn't really dovetail with his style of cooking. Everyone runs all over, trying not to collide. Dale says that it's helpful that a lot of Asian dishes are naturally fast, coming together quickly under intense heat. Stephanie improvs a week too late, throwing together some scallop pancakes that she's never made before. Spike returns to his Greek roots by stuffing some peppers with a rice mixture. Antonia falls back on an old family favorite: Rice salad. She assures us it tastes better than it sounds. Mad chopping and pouring montage. A blender makes a cyclone of rice that looks super-cool. Richard abandons any hope of making something refined, and concentrates on making sure the dish is complete and seasoned properly. I'm not sure how I feel about his overall personality, but I really like Richard's ruthless efficiency and his ostentation-free competence; they're surprisingly rare characteristics in most reality show competitors. Harold also had that combination, and look where that got him. Mark says that this is the most difficult Quickfire, and although he's tasted all the components of his miso-glazed turkey, he didn't taste everything together. Well, sure. Milk chocolate is good, and macaroni and cheese is good, so they must be awesome together, right? Time runs out.
Padma and Art go down the line. Antonia's rice salad is made of arugula, red onion, and cherry tomatoes, and is augmented by some skirt steak on the side. Art likes the combination of cold and hot. Nikki has made a simple vegetable fried rice, which was a good idea, if not very inventive. She's put a bowl of soy sauce on the side, saying that she always slathers her fried rice in it. Me too, Nikki. Art seems to enjoy it. Richard has made a quick tuna steak with tomatoes and truffle oil over the rice, and has a yuzu vinaigrette. Art likes the yuzu with the tomato, which Richard actually seems surprised by. Stephanie explains her unfamiliarity with her scallop pancakes, which were also made with brown rice, and is topped with greens. Art says that it was a clever idea. Stephanie hopes to finally nail down some immunity.
Spike's peppers are stuffed with veal, port, and a rice wine vinegar sauce. Art says that it's wonderful, and a great way to serve a vegetable. Lisa's plate is messy, and includes rice, corn, black beans, peppers, grilled shrimp, lime juice, tequila-sauteed onions, and an avocado cream. Well, it's messy, but it sounds good. Art says something non-committal about the acid from the lime juice. Dale has pineapple fried rice with grilled scallops and some Chinese long beans. Art likes the use of an often-ignored vegetable. Mark's turkey is the first dish to get an out-and-out criticism. Both judges find it much too dry. Andrew has crusted some fish with almonds and rice, and serves it with a sun-dried tomato pesto. Art says it's a clever idea, but that Andrew needs more than fifteen minutes to get this one right. Andrew is, like, "yep".
Results. Bottom three first. Mark's dish didn't work at all. Stephanie's idea was good, but the cake was heavy and the scallops were unnecessary. Man, she blows at Quickfires. Lisa's food was unoriginal. Now, to the top three. Dale's food tasted good, and was a complete meal. Richard's yuzu was delicious on the tomato. Antonia's rice salad and steak mixed cold and hot well. So well that she wins the challenge and its attendant immunity. She takes it as another sign to stay true to who she is. All right then.
Elimination Challenge. Padma explains that Art spearheads an initiative to get families to eat together. It's an extremely worthy idea, but if that's the extent of his "humanitarianism" referred to before, I call bullshit. Antonia is very supportive of this goal, saying that she grew up eating dinner with the family, and tries to do so with her own daughter as much as possible. I'm not sure how much that can be when you're a restaurant chef. I'd imagine that the dinner hours are taken up by... You know, other people's dinners. Padma says that families need to figure out how to make simple, affordable, nutritious meals, which figures into today's challenge. The chefs are to make a nutritious, complete dinner for a family of four, simple enough to be cooked at home with a bunch of ankle-biters running around. The real kicker is that they've only got ten dollars to do it. Yikes. Predictably, the single chefs (well, Andrew) are all "Whaaaaaaaaa?", while Antonia points out that not all of us get weekly wads of cash to drop at gourmet grocery stores. After shopping, the chefs will prep their food at a culinary institute. Everyone's dismissed.
Commercials. Okay, there is such a thing as a French fry that's too crispy. Let's not go nuts.
The chefs stream into Whole Foods for half an hour of shopping time with their ten bucks. Now, a lot of adjectives apply to Whole Foods, but I've got to tell you, "inexpensive" is not one of them. The last thing I bought there was some chicken breast that wasn't even a pound and a half, and that alone almost ran me ten dollars. So when the chefs charge to the poultry counter and load up on meat (chicken in most cases, turkey bratwurst for Dale), and still have money left over for organic vegetables, and whole wheat pasta, and whatever else, I'm suspicious. I guess they get access to a bunch of free ingredients back at the Kitchen, which is fine, but then let's not pretend that these meals actually cost ten dollars. Stephanie's mom raised her on gourmet food with little regard to cost, so she wanders around the aisles, flustered. Antonia, meanwhile, puts her mad phat single mom skillz to work. Mark compiles ingredients for a vegetable curry. As everyone checks out, they do what they can to avoid going overbudget. Antonia is literally peeling leaves of bok choy away to lower her bill by a quarter. Eventually, everyone makes it through.
Later that evening, Mark sits on his bed and plays a didgeridoo. I guess it's required by law to learn if you're from Australia or New Zealand. Antonia calls her daughter back home, and the entire conversation is cute as hell, especially the inclusion of a knock-knock joke I've never heard before.
Antonia: "Knock-knock."
Daughter: "Who's there?"
Antonia: "Smell mop."
Daughter: "Smell mop who?"
Antonia: "Get it?"
Daughter: "No..."
Antonia: "Smell mah poo."
Daughter and Limecrete: "Hahahaha!"
Antonia vows to us that she'll cook as hard as she can every single day, until she can't cook anymore. It's refreshing to see a contestant referencing her family back home without sounding like she was forced against her will to leave.
The next morning, the chefs head for the Washburne Culinary Institute, which appears to be housed in a community college. Everyone is still setting up when Padma and Art come in, and Padma asks everyone to gather around. You, madam, are no Tim Gunn. She smiles that the chefs will have some extra help today. Nikki looks like she knows exactly what's coming. The door opens, and some kids enter in big chef hats that threaten to swallow their heads. They're introduced as members of the program Art runs. Antonia's face crumbles. She's been doing well with focusing on the competition, but working with kids makes her a bit emotional, and she says that if she winds up with a girl, she'll probably wind up crying through the whole challenge. Padma thanks the kids for helping out, then pairs them off with chefs. Stephanie's kid is practically as tall as she is. Heh, I feel you on that one, Stephanie. Andrew says it's an honor to work with his assistant, bowing politely. Luckily for Antonia, she gets a boy. Everyone seems perfectly content to look after the kids, and I wonder to myself how Tiffani would have handled this challenge.
Everyone gets started on prep work, and we're let in on some menus. Lisa is making chicken breasts with edamame, lime, and black beans, and there will be some white bread with peanut butter and apple. She says that her girlfriend has a kid who loves to cook, and it's great when he wants to help out. Her assistant isn't too keen on garlic, so she merrily trashes it. Heh. Richard works on chicken thighs, and will also be including beet, avocado, lime, jalapeno, apple, black beans, and ginger root. He's a bit concerned with how the beets will go over with kids. Yeah, beets are tricky. Antonia sets about making a stir fry with linguine, chicken breast, bok choy, carrots, onion, red pepper, and edamame. After ascertaining that her assistant won't chop his hand off, she turns the veggies over to him. Spike knows spaghetti is a big hit in Kid World, so he's making some with pasta sauce, capers, olives, and Parmesan. There's also going to be a carrot soup with oranges, and some baked apples. His assistant tries to peel a carrot, and almost immediately nicks himself. Yep, that's how you learn. Geysers of blood is how I learned how to (or rather, how NOT to) cut the skin off a sausage. They head over to the sink to rinse the cut, and Spike's assistant shakes off the pain and gets back on peeling the carrots. Atta boy.
Mark tries to describe curry to his assistant. He says that trying new foods can be daunting, and Lisa agrees in interview that curry for a family meal is probably not the best idea, as it's too complicated. Mark's curry includes curry paste, coconut milk, sweet potatoes, cucumber, and naan. Mmm...naan. Haven't had that in far too long. Nikki pours out a liberal amount of olive oil, asking her assistant if she likes it. Sure, who doesn't? Nikki's roasting chicken with red potatoes and Brussels sprouts, with an apple/grape tomato/cucumber salad on the side. She tells us she was raised by a single parent, and started cooking for herself when she was about eight. Dale puts his assistant to work, and explains his menu of turkey bratwurst, potatoes, onions, red cabbage, apples, salsa, and mustard. He says that his assistant is the smallest kid there, which he can empathize with. Dale actually achieves charm for once, as he rues plateauing at 5'5" in seventh grade, which crushed his dreams of playing basketball. Andrew sets up an assembly line of sorts for his assistant to bread the chicken thighs in crumbs, egg, and Parmesan. There'll also be a fennel salad.
Kender: "He can't stop breading things."
Andrew laments the state of healthy eating in America, saying that he, himself used to weigh over 200 pounds in high school, and had to lose a lot of weight. Well, that crack addiction seems to have done the trick. Stephanie and her assistant work on a vegetable couscous that includes eggplant, zucchini, tomatoes, and Parmesan. The couscous is topped with some chicken in a peanut butter/tomato sauce. Yes, you read that correctly. There is also an apple/yogurt/granola dessert that Stephanie's assistant takes charge of.
Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste. He's really good with the kids, which is heartening. We find out he's going to be spending the entire time in the kitchen, I guess to make sure the chefs are actually allowing the kids to help out, and to see how simple the dishes are to prepare. Cooking montage. Chefs and their kids begin to plate. Time runs out. High fives are exchanged.
Commercials. If you drink your beer at a certain temperature, women will want to have sex with you.
The judges (Padma, Gail, and Art) come into the culinary institute's dining room, and greet the tables full of kids. I wonder how many portions of each dish had to be made, because there is no way in hell ten bucks could feed this many people. Richard's food is brought out first, and out of the corner of my eye, I see that someone's playing Connect Four. Oh, sweet. Try to get him diagonally! Pretty sneaky, sis! His assistant gets to sit with some other kids to eat, and Richard brings his roasted chicken with black beans, apple, and avocado/beet salad to the judges. Everyone likes it, though Art would have taken the skin off the chicken. OK, I know they're supposed to be making nutritious food, but the skin's the best part! Lisa brings out her roasted chicken with edamame and black beans. Her assistant has smeared bread with peanut butter and done an artistic arrangement of apples on top. The judges aren't wild about the chicken, but do like the side snack.
Dale comes out with his turkey bratwurst, which looks tasty. One of the kids worriedly asks how spicy it is. Heh. The judges find the cabbage strong, which Padma says is fine for some people, but when you're cooking for a family of varying tastes, the flavors should be more universal. I guess I can see where she's coming from with that, though I don't necessarily agree. Spike's table is thrilled to see the spaghetti, and it looks like he's been able to do the most with his budget. His assistant explains to Gail that they've made pasta puttanesca, carrot soup with oranges, and semi-baked apples. Spike says the apples didn't have time to bake all the way, but are still okay. Art slurps up some noodles.
LabRat: "Oh, yeah. You know he likes pasta."
The judges really like the flavor, and the amount of vegetables that went into it. Nikki is happy with the way her chicken came out, as are the judges. Art is particularly impressed that it was prepared in one pot, which I'm glad they gave some attention to. I'm always seeing online recipes and television cooks proudly brag about how simple something is, then go on to describe the thirty-three dishes, utensils, and instruments I'll need to make it. I don't have a dishwasher. If I can throw a meal together in twenty minutes, but it takes twice as long to clean up afterwards, that's not what I'd call "simple". Anyway, Gail likes how complete Nikki's dish is.
Ptom chows down in the kitchen, which makes Mark nervous. He takes his vegetable curry out to the other judges, and lets his assistant explain that it comes with cinnamon rice and cucumber salad. The judges think the curry is far too sweet, and that the dish doesn't have enough protein in it. Antonia brings out her chicken and vegetable stir fry with whole wheat noodles. It looks really good. Damn, I've got to stop sitting down to write these entries before I eat. Padma says Antonia's dish has trumped Spike's spaghetti. Gail points out that Antonia certainly knows what she's doing in this challenge, as it's what she does in real life. Andrew brings out his chicken paillard. Ah, so that explains why we saw his assistant beating the chicken with a frying pan. Art finds it to be a very well-executed dish. Stephanie brings out her veggie couscous and chicken in peanut butter/tomato sauce. There's also a simple plate of apples mixed with yogurt and granola. The judges don't like the couscous at all, and Gail says that the dish is a good example of a restaurant chef that obviously doesn't cook much at home. Ouch.
We have a slight break with tradition, as Ptom is the one to congratulate the chefs and tells them that he'll see them at Judges' Table. The chefs wander out, and Ptom joins the other judges out in the dining room. He tells them how the chefs did a good job of letting the kids get involved with the cooking. Nikki's dish was colorful, delicious, and presented well. Antonia's dish was unsurprisingly successful. Ptom adds that Antonia told him that it's one of the dishes Antonia makes with her daughter at home. On the other hand, Lisa's dish was a bland plate of food, and Stephanie's peanut butter/tomato sauce was way off. We spend a brief moment back with the chefs so we can hear that Richard's anxious to get home and impregnate his wife.
Commercials. No need to do Dr. Phil imitations anymore. Imitations are for culturally relevant people.
Fret 'n' sweat. The chefs talk about how awesome their assistants were. Padma comes back to the Kitchen, and summons Andrew, Nikki, and Antonia to Judges' Table. They are, of course, the top three of the challenge, and are happy to hear it. Nikki's one-pot dish was a great idea, and was well-seasoned. Andrew made fruit accessible in a savory dish, and introduced fennel to children in an intelligent way. Antonia's stir fry was delicious and delicate. Gail points out that these dishes prove that it's not necessary to dumb food down for children. Art gets to announce the challenge winner. It's Antonia, with the rare double win. Well, if you ignore that Richard pulled off the same feat last week. I guess it's not as rare as I'd like to think. She's happy, saying it would have been embarrassing to lose at this challenge, and dedicates the win to her daughter. Unfortunately, the only thing her daughter receives is the duty of sending out this week's losing chefs. There's some quick applause for Antonia in the Kitchen, before she says that the judges want to see Lisa, Stephanie, and Mark. Wow, it's the same bottom three as in the Quickfire. Not a good week for these guys.
The Odd Asian music must be on vacation this week, but our friend the gong is still around. Lisa is already scowling. Stephanie looks petrified. Mark's expression never changes. Like, ever. Padma duhs that the three of them had the least successful dishes. Stephanie is asked why she thinks she's here, and she guesses that her dish wasn't simple enough. Ptom says that the big problem was the bizarre combination of peanut butter and tomatoes. Art says the portion was too large, which I refuse to accept as a valid criticism, and that the couscous wasn't right. Stephanie agrees that it was slightly overcooked, and answers in the affirmative when asked if she spent her entire budget. No, dorks, she spent six bucks and pocketed the rest so she could get a box of Cap'n Crunch.
Mark says he tasted the curry before it went out, and that he was fine with it. He doesn't know why he's at the losers' table, guessing that it's because Ptom doesn't like him. Ptom cracks up, and says he hopes Mark isn't serious. Mark appears to be at least half-serious, saying Ptom is really difficult to please. Art and Gail say that Mark could have put a lot more vegetables and more protein into the dish. Mark says that there are plenty of vegetarian dishes lacking protein in restaurants everywhere, so he doesn't really get the point of the criticism. The judges don't have a response to that. Lisa snaps that she enjoyed her dish, but lets her voice relax when she says that she thought it was nutritious, balanced, and had some sweetness at the end. Ptom says he found the beans and edamame undercooked and underseasoned. Yeah, I love edamame, but you have to salt the shit out of it. Lisa scowls some more.
Tiffany: "She looks like she's got mono."
Limecrete: "She could suck a lemon from here to Tupelo."
Tiffany: "She was weaned on a pickle."
Lisa says that she's learned her lesson from the last challenge, and tried to stick to the rules of this one: Originality, simplicity, nutrition, and affordability. She implies that the tight budget meant getting supplies that aren't as good. That doesn't really explain the underseasoning, but I see what she means. Ptom says she hit the points of the challenge, but that the beans just needed more flavor. The chefs are dismissed. Deliberations. Lisa can't take criticism. Her food was beautiful, but flavorless. Back in the Kitchen, Lisa's saying that if she was expecting a criticism, it would be that the food would be overseasoned, not under. That's not the first time we've heard that, and I have to wonder if the judges' palates have been hit with so much spice, they can't taste anything that isn't a punch to the uvula. Mark's curry was sloppy and unappealing. Ptom thinks he didn't spend his money wisely. Stephanie has made sensible, well-thought decisions up until this week. Her sauce was disgusting, and Padma detested it. Art says that couscous should be easy, and Stephanie's was mush on a plate. The judges reach a decision.
Commercials. Feel free to keep inundating us with these ads, Bravo. I'm still not watching a knockoff of a knockoff of a dancing show.
Elimination. Ptom is once again forced into using horrible puns, saying that the "common thread" of these dishes is that they weren't good. Stephanie's sauce was off-putting. Mark didn't use his money well, and the dish never came together. Lisa's meal was plenty nutritious, but lacked flavor. He hands it over to Padma for the chopping. Mark, please pack your knives and go. Stephanie lets her breath out. Ptom adds a bit defensively that for the record, he doesn't dislike Mark; that he's a good competitor and fun to be around. Mark is surprised to be eliminated, as most people are on this show. He's not bitter, though, saying that it'll be a valuable stepping stone and was good experience. He thinks the other chefs are great people, and will continue to work towards owning his own restaurant. Peachy.
Next week on Top Chef: Yes, I actually watched the preview for once. Why not, since they went ahead and ruined it during the commercials in this episode? A long night of cooking drives the chefs crazy. Wedding food. Uh, oh.
Overall Grade: B
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)