America's Next Top Model - Season 8, Episode 3
Previously on America's Next Top Model: The girls went back to school, but there was unfortunately no sign of the Triple Lindy. Samantha was a nice, pretty, normal girl, so of course she had to be eliminated. Eleven girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening credits. This is the first episode I forced my boyfriend to watch with me. LabRat: "None of these girls look like models." Heh. I wish I could go back in time to show him fugs like Brooke and Wendy, who make this cycle's girls look like Heidi freaking Klum.
A beautiful, sunny morning dawns on the model pad. Diana and Whitney chat about being plus-size models, and Diana interviews that she's glad she has Whitney there to talk to, because they're in the same boat and because they click so well. Inside, Jaslene and Cassandra are having a friendly chat as well. Cassandra interviews that she can compete, but still be nice to everyone. We're not a single minute into this episode, and I already know Diana and Cassandra are going to wind up in the bottom two. They've sure got some piss-poor editors this season. Night falls, so I guess those two conversations took the whole day. Jael interviews something, but I'm not even going to attempt to transcribe her every word. They should have a show starring her and Christian. It'd be like a half hour of Sim language. Anyway, Jael says something about being the best model she can be. Tyra Mail! It reads "We cut only one last night, but we'll cut a few of you tomorrow." It can mean only one thing. Makeovers! I'm taking all bets on who will be the whiny one who bursts into tears when her hair is cut! Brittany tells Jael that they can do whatever they want to her, and she won't get upset, so the odds of her being the one just skyrocketed.
Morning. The Monster Humvee drops the girls at a salon at 6:30 AM. Yuck. The Jays meet the girls inside and introduce Neeko, the stylist. Then, Tyra emerges in striped pajamas and her (fake) hair in curlers. The girls squeal like pigs. I really should have tried to keep a squeal count this season. Oh, well. Tyra pretends they weren't even going to do makeovers this time around, because of the constant tantrums (like the makeover tantrums aren't a producer's dream come true). There's an awesome flashback to various girls pitching fits. Cycle One - Giselle. Oof, I sure don't miss her. Cycle Two - Catie. Cycle Three - Ann. Cycle Four - Brandy. Cycle Five - Cassandra. Well, she actually had good reason to cry. Cycle Six - Jade. Cycle Seven - Jaeda. Aw, I liked Jaeda.
These girls promise to be good, and Tyra tells them what their new looks will be. Jael will get longer, brown hair. Cassandra's getting that damn wig cut out of her hair, and will be getting extensions in an afro. Renee's getting her hair chopped in the same style as Yoanna from Cycle 2. Yoanna went on to win the season, so let's hope hair is the only thing she and Renee will have in common. Whitney's getting long extensions, Diana's going a bit blonder and thicker, and Felicia's getting weird-ass bangs. Dionne's going to have a front-heavy chop job. Sarah's getting minor changes to "dirty" her up a bit. Jaslene's having her hair cut and volumized. Brittany's getting long, wavy red hair. Natasha's going chocolate brown, which I always think is going to look shitty, and usually winds up looking fine. There's a short scene where the Jays hack off some of Tyra's (fake) hair, and the girls gasp like Tyra's being tortured, Clockwork Orange style. Tyra pitches a pretend hysterical fit. I really hope she never goes into acting. OJ asks the girls if they're ready, and they shriek their assent.
Hair montage. Sarah's hair is darkened, which she thinks helps bring out her facial features. Eh. She doesn't really look much better or worse. Dionne's short new hairstyle is beautiful, and she's happy with it. I love me some Dionne. Brittany is ambivalent about having a bunch of fake hair, saying it's hard enough to take care of her real ones. Cassandra's afro is done. Meh. I suppose she looks better, but in all honesty, her problem was never the hair. Jaslene ascribes all sorts of symbolism to her haircut. I'll just say she looks much better when she's done. She's lucky they didn't cut more; Jaslene would look ugly with short hair. Renee's new asymmetrical style isn't to my tastes, but she doesn't look too bad. Jael is worried that her new hairdo will make her look too normal, so she says she'll have to be wilder inside so that nobody "mistakens" her normal hair for a normal attitude. Well, nobody can accuse her of having a normal vocabulary. Quick, pointless scene of Miss J's Buckwheat hair being flattened. Felicia's new bangs look crappy. She was much prettier before. Speaking of crappy bangs, Natasha looks terrible. I never even thought she was that attractive as a blonde, but at least she looked female. She's closer to a third-rate drag queen now.
Brittany is finding that having hair sewn onto your head can be a bit painful. She battles through, with a lot of "ouch!". She's not particularly pleased with the result, and I don't blame her. She doesn't look bad with long, red hair, but I preferred her shorter style. Whitney loves having longer hair. She looks like... Whitney, with slightly longer hair. Diana looks exactly the same as before. No, really. What did they even do to her? Jael is finding her extensions as painful as Brittany did. Cassandra empathizes with them. After eight hours in the stylist's chair, OJ strolls up and announces that never mind, they're going to rip the weave out of Jael's head, and she's going to have a short, Rosemary's Baby cut, which is what looked so awful on Cycle 5's Cassandra. Jeez. Poor Jael. Sarah feels sorry for her. Jael begins crying, and they'd better not peg her as a whiny bitch later for this.
Commercials. I'm glad that girl is secure enough in her relationship not to care who her boyfriend talks to. But that dress is hideous on her.
Renee recaps what Jael's going through, and even she can't find anything bitchy to say, so you know it's serious. Whitney interviews that Jael must be going through hell. Once her hair's chopped off, OJ tells her that it's OK if she cries, qualifying it with "for a minute". Oh, shut up, you fucking troll. From a purely aesthetic point of view, chopping Jael's hair was wise, because she looks pretty good with short, dark hair. I don't think that weave would have been very attractive. Back at the model pad, the girls let Natasha read the Tyra Mail again for some reason. It says something mysterious about how the girls who didn't make the cut will have another chance to make it up to [Tyra]. Renee pegs it as a makeup challenge. Brittany is hating her new hair. She tells the confessional camera that she's not crying to complain, but that it really hurts. Diana is not sympathetic, nor is Whitney when Diana goes to bitch about Brittany to the other girls. It seems from what they're saying that Brittany has been crying since they got back from the makeovers. Whitney interviews that she'll give Brittany something to cry about. That's such a dad thing to say! She goes in and reads Brittany the riot act, basically telling her that it's only OK to cry when your boyfriend gets shot. Um... OK, Whitney. I mean, I get what she's saying about not wanting to put up with people who cry over every little thing, but there's still a pretty wide canyon between "My hair hurts" and "My boyfriend just got shot in the face". Brittany meekly takes the lecture, while Renee is way too happy about this smackdown in the background. Whitney gives Brittany "the deuces" (yeah, I don't know), and walks away. Brittany holds up a steak. And...scene!
Morning. Jael checks her messages at home, and learns that a friend of hers has died of a drug overdose. Good God, poor Jael is having a really bad week. She understandably breaks down into wracking sobs, and Brittany, Diana, Cassandra, and Sarah try to comfort her. She interviews that modeling is a good distraction from all the crap that's going on in her life. I'm surprised she can really give any attention to the competition now, but I don't know how she ticks or the nature of the relationship, so no judgment here.
Aaaaaah! A closeup shot of a bee on a flower! I hate bees! For once I'm glad to see the Monster Humvee, as it drops the girls at a garden. Brittany doesn't feel well, saying she's caught some sort of stomach bug. She interviews that she's been having "digestive issues" (read: explosive diarrhea), but certainly isn't going to go to the hospital for something so minor. Renee encourages her to go sleep it off in the limo. All Renee cares for is your welfare, Brittany! She's certainly not trying to hinder your chances in the competition! Jael tells Brittany to pull it together, and she'll be fine. Sarah strokes Brittany's back. The girls gather in front of Roxanna Floyd, who works for CoverGirl and Carissa Rosenberg, who works for Seventeen. As long as it isn't fucking Atoosa Rubenstein, I'm happy. Although, what's up with the Jewish girls with overly cutesy first names over at Seventeen? It'll turn out that the head of their advertising department is named something like Cookie Goldblatt.
It turns out Renee was right about the makeup challenge, the winner of which will get to choose two friends, and they'll all get a spread in Seventeen. First, the girls are all outfitted in pretty spring dresses, the better to make it impossible for them to run anywhere. Something doesn't fit Whitney. Diana frets over the lack of good clothes for plus-size models. The models will have ten minutes to run all over the garden and find five tables with cosmetics laid out on them, then put together a spring look, and get back. I can't get over how hideous Natasha's makeover was. Seriously, I have it paused on her right now, and it's frightening. Roxanna gives the go-ahead, and the girls scatter. There's a mad dash for the makeup tables. Jaslene dutifully plugs the makeup. I'll bet she needed a long, hot shower after that. Brittany still feels crappy, but powers through the challenge. There's a shot of her spitting out what I sincerely hope is water. Cassandra runs back to a table for additional eye shadow.
Roxanna and Carissa count down the final ten seconds, and Cassandra can't make it back in time, not helped by the fact that her dress catches on a rose bush. She's disqualified from the challenge. She's upset, because she thinks she did a good job on getting made up, which she did. Roxanna and Carissa give out some random criticisms, which aren't important. Natasha has given herself a hooker shade of lipstick, and looks even worse now. So, a completely random winner is chosen, and that winner is... Brittany! She picks Jael and Sarah to share in the reward, because they were the ones to encourage her to pull herself together for the challenge. Jael is grateful for the chance to be distracted by something fun, and which doesn't involve her getting her hair ripped out or a friend's death. They do the reward photo shoot. Jael loves Brittany, and the photos she takes. Renee does not love Brittany, saying she thinks she's boring, and doesn't understand why she keeps winning challenges. She claims not to care, saying that Brittany can win all the little battles, and Renee can win the big war. Renee? If you win this season, I will dye my hair green.
Tyra Mail awaits the girls back at the model pad. It reads "Sundae is not just a day of rest." The girls know that they're in for some wacky-ass photo shoot. Morning. Brittany is still sniffling, and Renee goes out to complain about her to Diana. She thinks Brittany's "fake", though I'm not sure what she's referring to. Brittany overhears them talking, of course. She interviews that she's not the confrontational type, but had to say something. Well, sure. If you don't yell at the girls whom you catch talking about you, you'll be eliminated for being boring. She tells Renee that the model pad's walls are paper thin, and Renee settles in for a good catfight, because that's all she does well. "I'm just going to say to you right now, I have been nothing but nice to you; nothing but genuine to you." I guess she's leaving out the part where she was being a backstabbing gossip TEN FUCKING SECONDS AGO. Renee interviews that girls gossip about girls, and to not accept that is overly pious. Heh. Interesting morality play she's got going, where she's the poor martyr for being attacked for her completely rational urge to be two-faced. Renee tells Brittany she may be twenty-one, but acts like she's still in high school. Yes, this is the same Renee who just said she's got the biological right to gossip. She nods, convinced she's just put one over on Brittany, not prepared for the retort. "I'm still kicking your ass in this competition." Oh, snap! Renee just gives her the finger, because she knows it's true.
This is why I knew a Brittany/Renee fight was coming since last week. Aside from the fact that Renee will probably fight with everyone over the course of the season, let's take a look at who her recent targets have been. First, she hated Jaslene. And what did Jaslene do that week? Rocked the photo shoot. Then, she moved on to hating Jael. What did Jael do? Won the Goodwill challenge. Then, it was back to Jaslene, whom she accused of having a "front" of confidence, while really being an insecure twit. Jaslene rocked the photo shoot again. And now, she's on to hating Brittany, who has won two challenges in a row. Hey, Renee hates whoever is doing well in the competition! What a coincidence! One might almost think she has a "front" of confidence, while really being an insecure twit. And all that is leaving out that Renee thinks Brittany-the-crier is "phony", when Renee burst into tears last week for...not liking the photo shoot role she was given. Not that she's a hypocritical snatch or anything.
Commercials. That Snuggle bear just gets creepier and creepier.
We're back, and Jael is smoking in the pool, trying to deal with the death of her friend. Sarah thinks Jael letting her emotion out is good for her. I'd say Jael has been pretty open with her emotions since she got here, but whatever. Brittany sits with her, while Renee and Diana hang out a short distance away. Renee tells Diana she's gonna kick Brittany's ass or something, because she's still stinging from losing an argument in one sentence. She thinks Jael won't benefit from phony bitches like Brittany trying to be her friend. Yeah, she should have more caring friends like Renee.
The Monster Humvee drops the girls off at a studio, where a tiny set decorated with lollipops and ice cream sundaes has been constructed. It's entirely too pink. OJ meets the girls there, and tells them that for the photo shoot today, they'll be dressed up as sweets. Their hair, makeup, and wardrobe will incorporate candy, and the rest of the wardrobe will be... Nothing. Yep, it's time for the nudity. I was describing this scene for a straight friend at work, and he was all "Why aren't I watching this show?". Heh. Upon hearing that they'll be mostly naked, some of the girls are excited and some shocked. Brittany, in particular, is extremely nonplussed, and OJ asks her how she feels. "I'll deal," she says. OJ brings in Joseph, the photographer, then sends the girls to go get ready. Brittany interviews that her parents are going to be furious when they see that she has to get naked. They're fine with her going on a trashy, exploitative reality show, but have a problem with her being nude (which isn't exactly unheard of on this show)? She snivels some more, and while the girls may have been sympathetic to her crying because of her painful weave or because of her stomach bug or because of her discomfort with posing nude, they certainly have no patience with all three. We actually hear more than three words out of Dionne for once, as she interviews that Brittany needs to get over herself.
Makeup montage. In addition to wearing candy, the girls have to clutch scoops of ice cream in their hands for the photo. Ouch. First up is Cassandra ("jelly beans"). Her nether regions are blurred, and her hair looks really awesome. OJ tells her not to lose her neck in her poses, and suggests she do some growling at the camera. She attempts it, but isn't very good, and winds up looking too stiff. Meanwhile, Brittany is complaining that her hands aren't going to react well to holding cold ice cream. OK, I was with her for most of this episode, but she really does need to shut up now. Felicia accomplishes that quite neatly by saying that nobody's hands are going to react well. Sarah is "hard candy". She's got bright yellow makeup on and does the best job she's done so far in her posing. Dionne ("candy cane") has stripes of red makeup across her body, and looks fucking gorgeous. Go, Dionne! She tells OJ she may be more comfortable naked. Hehehe. Brittany is "banana split". Despite being quite the whiner about this shoot, she looks really good. She's covered in yellow makeup, and her hair is upswept to look like a cherry. Cool. Renee isn't happy that Brittany is full of excuses, yet goes on to rock the photo shoot, and I hope I won't be struck by lightning when I say: Amen, Renee. It's like those people you knew in high school who would bitch and moan about how awful a test was, and then they'd get A's on everything.
Diana is "gummy bears". She has problems with her posing, which she says is because she's not rail skinny like Jaslene. I don't think her issues are with her body fat, but with the fact that she's posing like she has a stick shoved up her butt. Renee is "candy necklace". OJ tells her she's doing much better than she has in the past. Shit. Whitney is "chocolate kiss". She gives lots of "oopsie!" faces to the camera. Jael is "birthday cake", which is telegraphed by painting the words "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" across her stomach. She actually looks really good, with hot pink makeup across her body, and a kicky little hat made out of an ice cream cone. Jaslene tells her she rocked, which was nice of her. Felicia is "lollipop", and looks terrific, as always. OJ tells her that her body looks good, but something's missing in the face. Not that he tells her what that something is. She tries some other poses, and OJ mutters to the photographer that he just wants more expression in her face. Gee, maybe you could get that if you fucking told Felicia that, instead of just expecting her to be psychic. Jaslene is "dulce de leche". Because she's Latina, of course! The marshmallows in her hair look cool, but otherwise, she's boring. Natasha is "gumballs". I'll say. Oh, they mean her photo shoot. OJ thinks she does much better this week. Eh, she's passable, but not great. The only reason she looks better is because her other shots have sucked so hard. Renee and Sarah have a tiny pissing match over whether Natasha looks like Kate Moss or not. Natasha's proud of herself for managing to get through a photo shoot without, like, falling down a well or something.
Back at the model pad, Tyra Mail awaits. Upcoming elimination. Cassandra worries about being eliminated because she was three seconds late getting back at the makeup challenge. Oh, Cassandra, they wouldn't eliminate you for that. They'd eliminate you because none of your photos have been very good. Jael doesn't want to leave, but wonders how to broach the topic of her friend with the judges (or whether to do it at all). Whitney tells her to do whatever she feels is right. They pray together to help Jael work through her pain, which may be the first appropriate use of prayer I've seen on a reality show in years. Jael cries some more, and Whitney rocks her in her arms. Aw.
Commercials. These women in the Glade candle commercial could not be more irritating if they tried. The stupid joke they make isn't even worth a wry smile, let alone the extremely unattractive cackling they let loose.
We enter the Chamber of Doom on a picture of Tyra that's just a little too pornalicious. She's got her hair pulled to the side in two ponytails with big ribbons, and is holding up a big lollipop. Just last week, she was telling Samantha to act like a ho, but make it fashion. This isn't fashion; it's the cover of Penthouse. And good gravy, what is going on with her hair at panel? I don't even know how to describe it. A black version of Miss Hannigan from Annie, maybe? The girls come in, prizes are recapped, and judges are introduced. The guest judge is Neeko, for some inexplicable reason. How does cutting hair qualify him to be a judge? Whatever. Luckily, there was enough footage of Brittany crying this week to ensure that there is no final challenge, and we can get right to the evaluations. Thanks, Brittany!
First up is Jael. They compliment her on her makeover, but pick up on the fact that she's upset. She looks back at the other girls, who encourage her to tell the judges what's up. She tells them about her friend dying, and cries as she says she doesn't want to turn panel into a place to air her problems, because she's trying to be a professional. Aw! Tyra tells her this is one time that it's perfectly OK to not be a model, and just let go. She asks Jael if she's ready to see her photo, and Jael gathers herself and agrees. Luckily, her "birthday cake" shot is really good, so the judges don't have to dance around not eliminating her the same week her friend died. The judges roundly compliment her, and Jael dedicates the picture to her friend. Hehe. I'm sorry, I don't mean to titter. It's just that when I die, I hope my friends don't choose a picture of themselves pink, naked, and holding ice cream as a way to honor me. Natasha. The judges hate the outfit she's worn to panel, which is a black, spangly tank top, and pink leather pants. It's every bit as tacky as it sounds. The judges seem to like her "gumball" photo at first, but Nigel points out that she's squinty-eyed, which is true. Tyra adds that her film wasn't good in general, and that Natasha overthinks her posing. Natasha's just happy that she's improving.
Felicia. She dances her way up. Heh. Her "lollipop" shot is gorgeous. I don't think Felicia's taken a bad picture yet. She's a sleeper. Of course, that's what I said about Kyle. Whitney. Her "chocolate kiss" shot isn't bad, but the judges point out that she looks a bit stiff and forced, which is true. Tyra tells her that the "uncomfortableness" is in her face. I guess Tyra attends the Jael School of Vocabulary. Brittany. The judges like her makeover, and she tells them that it hurts, though she sounds much more stoic about it now. She does what Tyra calls the Black Girl Pat on her head, to keep it from itching. Reason #4,295,343,234 that I'm glad I'm male. Tyra brings up her challenge win, and cannot come up with a single negative thing to say about her "banana split" shot, which is quite good. Renee looks like she's about to pass a kidney stone. Cassandra. She shakes her afro wildly. Heh. I wish I found Cassandra prettier, because she seems like a nice girl. Her "jelly beans" photo is... Not good. The judges are silent at first. Nigel finally tells her that she's lost her neck, which OJ specifically warned her about. Tyra tells her she needs to practice her posing.
Renee. Her "candy necklace" is okay, but the judges feel like her eyes aren't expressive enough. Dionne. Tyra makes her strip off various items of ugly clothing. Her "candy cane" shot is good, and Twiggy tells her she's one of the few girls who embraced the fun side of the photo shoot. Diana. Boring, boring, boring. Her body language in the picture is off, which makes all the judges think she's uncomfortable in her own skin. Why a bad pose is indicative of "I hate myself" and not "I can't find my balance when I've got one leg in the air and a giant, fake ice cream sundae poking me in the back", I don't know. Tyra asks her why she's introverted in the competition, and Diana just gives her a flat "I don't know" in response. Diana is so dead meat within a week or two. Sarah. Her "hard candy" photo is her best to date. Nigel's pleased to see her finally living up to her potential. Tyra tells all the girls to study how strong Sarah's eyes are in the photo, especially Renee, since weak eyes were her problem. Guess we know who Renee's next target is now. Jaslene. The judges like her "dulce de leche" shot much more than I do. The judges do say that they never see Jaslene act like a model at panel itself. Tyra tells her it's important to bring one's culture to panel, offering examples like "Giiiirl, you look a little hoochie!", as if Tyra grew up in the projects of Detroit. The girls are dismissed.
Commercials. Jeez, McDonald's is really pushing their "gourmet" coffee. You know what McDonald's coffee tastes like? Fast food coffee.
Deliberations. Jael's been through a tragedy, but has taken her best picture yet. Natasha is "still trying to figure it out". Whitney is pretty, but not "model pretty". Dionne is finally separating herself from the pack. Jaslene's personality is flat. Sarah's eyes sell the photo. Renee is flirty. Cassandra doesn't know what to do in front of the camera. Brittany is brilliant. Diana is pretty, but can't use her curves. In one of the oddest criticisms I've ever heard, Felicia is too much of a girl who likes music videos or something.
Elimination. I try to impress LabRat by predicting the order that the girls are called, but don't do very well (though I do peg the bottom two right away). Brittany is safe. Renee looks sour again. Jael is safe. Sarah. Dionne. Felicia. Renee. Whitney. Natasha. Jaslene. Whitney's head drops as she sees her fellow plus-sizer in the bottom two. Will Diana and Cassandra please step forward? Diana is beautiful, but is fading into the background. Cassandra has a great personality, but can't bring the photos. Diana's already crying, as is Whitney, but they needn't be, because Diana gets her photo. She hugs Cassandra, then takes her photo and joins the other girls. Cassandra hugs Tyra and the other girls, who are openly weeping. She goes back to the model pad to pack, and is the third girl in a row to leave with no hard feelings, which I just love. She's disappointed to be leaving so early, and says that she just needs some more practice. Still, she's appreciative of what she got out of the competition. I think that may have been the most mature final interview I've ever heard on this show. You go, Cassandra. Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Getting through a laser security system without setting it off. I'd totally watch America's Next Top Jewel Thief. Renee is a bitch some more. Try to contain your shock.
Overall Grade: B+
Monday, March 19, 2007
Monday, March 12, 2007
The Girls Who Go To Prom
America's Next Top Model - Season 8, Episode 2
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Renee effortlessly ascended the Bitch of the Season throne. Jaslene seemed kind of weird and incompetent, but really pulled it together for the first photo shoot. Kathleen couldn't find her way out of the fog she's been stumbling around in for the entirety of her life, and she was the first girl cut. Twelve girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening credits. Adrianne? No, there's never been one of those on this show. La la la! I can't hear you!
Evening at the model pad. As the girls come in, someone says she already misses Kathleen, while Jaslene sighs "Ay, mi casa", which is helpfully subtitled in English for the people who don't know the easiest words in the Spanish language aside from "si". Jaslene calls her mom and brags about doing so well at the first panel. She really enjoyed the positive feedback from the judges. All this is fine, of course, but you can tell that Jaslene is already overbuying her own hype. She's certainly entitled to be proud of a job well done last week, but it looks like she's ready to be greeted with a processional of rose petals wherever she goes now. Jael and Whitney pal around a little, and Samantha interviews that some of these other girls are crazy, and that she likes to keep to herself. She likes to "release her feelings" by writing in a notebook or calling her family. That gong noise you just heard in your head? That was Samantha's upcoming elimination, which was just foreshadowed about as subtly as having a vulture circle above her bed. She calls her dad and cries that she misses him. That's one thing about reality show contestants I've never understood. I'm always seeing people on TV crying about how much they miss their families, and bursting into tears when they catch even the merest glimpse of the wife, husband, parent, or child that they've been away from for all of three weeks. Are people really that dependent on one another? I love my family dearly, but not seeing them for a month would really not be that big a deal. Samantha wraps up her I-am-so-dead-meat segment by saying that she's really different from the other girls, but would love to be on the cover of a magazine.
Tyra Mail! There's a hint about as broad as a barn door ("Babies learn how to do it -- can you?") that the girls will be working on their walks. They're all proud of themselves for figuring it out. Night turns into morning, and the girls stride into the football field at a local high school. A marching band...marches in, led by Miss J, who is somehow able to pull off the lameness of a marching band uniform better than most. He tells the girls that models sometimes need to be very precise. Like marching bands! Get it? GET IT?!?! Miss J sends the girls off to get changed, and they come back looking like a lesbian golf team. The powder blue shirts and navy blue shorts are pretty standard-issue ugly high school gym clothes, but I know of no school that forces the students to wear visors. They've also got high heels on. Watching the girls on this show clomp around in high heels is always a nice reminder of how glad I am to be male. Miss J has also changed into a light yellow shirt, plaid skirt, and pigtails (complete with those little ball barrettes I haven't seen on kids since the '80s, and really miss). He twirls around. I remember when this kind of schtick delighted me, but I'm kind of over him now. I still prefer him to OJ, but that's not saying much, since I'd prefer getting stung in the privates by a jellyfish to OJ.
Miss J asks the girls to demonstrate their walks. They go one by one, with Miss J offering various bits of advice and criticism. He tells Natasha that he's not sure if she's "marching or walking", which gets filtered through her brain as "Miss J told me I walk like a Martian". Haha! That language barrier is even tougher when the girl behind it is so dumb. Jaslene is told to take longer steps, but she's still floating on that cloud of her own awesomeness from last week, and doesn't appreciate the advice. A bunch of planes fly overhead, and Miss J points them out as an example of precision in groups. Yes, it's time for the models to work together. Yay! It's always fun forcing these megalomaniacs to try and sublimate their egos for a team challenge. You can tell how much it wears on them to share the spotlight, even for a moment. Miss J explains the group choreography, which is helpfully demonstrated via the Washed-Out Screen of Exposition. Three girls will start side-by-side, and begin walking. At one point, the girl in the center will stop, and the two side girls will continue on, but cross over to the other side. They walk over, that is. I don't mean they die and become ghosts. When the side girls reach the end, they turn around and come back. As they do that, the center girl walks forward. The side girls pause, and wait for the center girl to catch up, at which point all three of them finish walking back together. And that's it! The choreography is no more complicated than any second-grade play, but we're about to see why making it any more complex would have been unwise.
Ready? Natasha clearly isn't, but too bad, sucker. Go! The first group (from the audience's left to right) is Felicia, Whitney, and Renee. Felicia forgets to keep moving when Whitney stops. Renee brags about how well she did. That you did, Renee. Now you can climb the rung to the next most complicated task: memorizing your Social Security number. The next group is Sarah, Natasha, and Jael. Jael and Sarah almost crash as they cross, but what's really noteworthy is that Sarah interviews how much more elegant and natural she feels walking in high heels. That's an editor's wet dream, and they gleefully show her stumbling over her own feet. Hehehe. Jaslene the Awesome finds the other girls' walks hilarious. How will they ever compete with Jaslene the Awesome? The next group is Brittany, Cassandra, and Diana. There's another almost-collision at the crossing point, which includes Cassandra, who shouldn't even be there. Brittany forgets to wait for Cassandra to catch up for the final stretch. Man, would I have loved to see Kathleen attempt this. Samantha, Jaslene, and Dionne. Jaslene the Awesome brags some more. They don't show us any screwups with this final group, so they probably managed to pull it off.
The girls are sent into the high school gym, where there's a runway set up with bright blue and yellow balloons and tinsel. They're met by Roy Campbell, a fashion show producer who introduces today's challenge. The girls will be putting on a fashion show with a prom theme for the school's students. Miss J emerges onto the catwalk in a hideous, poofy blue prom dress. Natasha explains that they don't have proms in Russia. What about on Mars, Natasha? Miss J tells the girls that the routine he taught them earlier will be the one they'll do for the fashion show. There will be three prom themes featured ("Modern-Contemporary", "The '80s", and "Ghetto Fabulous"), and each of the girls will come out once for each theme. To make it even more devious, their placement in the line of three will change each time. They couldn't even handle it once, so this should be fun. After a quick hair and makeup montage, they're ready to go. Natasha gives Jael some advice about walking faster or something. Jael completely blows her off. Roy comes backstage and says (for the second time, actually) that a great prize awaits the challenge's winner. The gym fills with students. I'd like to meet the principal who was all "Cancel class so that my kids can watch anorexic bitches fall all over each other? Sounds good!". Actually, there appears to be a fair amount of adults in the audience as well, so maybe this is after school. Roy comes out and introduces himself. Backstage, Jaslene mouthily answers Felicia's question about when to cross. Renee concludes from this that Jaslene is full of herself, and hey, just cause Renee's a bitch doesn't mean she's wrong. Jaslene postures a bit about her "signature walk", which is the same as every other signature walk in the history of this show (i.e., stomping a lot).
Commercials. To paraphrase the great Hermes Conrad, I'd like to take everyone who designs, manufactures, and uses those Nextel walkie-talkies and put them into a bag. And throw the bag into a river. And hurl the river into space.
Sarah recaps the three prom themes for us, in case we forgot in the past two minutes. The kids cheer. Some of them look about seven years old. Let the mayhem begin! Modern-Contemporary. First out is Jael, Sarah, and Natasha. They do fine. Renee, Dionne, and Cassandra. Also fine. I've noticed the side girls now do an additional cross on their way back, which was either thrown in at the last minute, or never shown in the first place. Samantha, Felicia, and Whitney. They're fine. Brittany, Diana, and Jaslene. Still fine. Huh. Maybe these girls have pulled themselves together, and have got this routine down pat. Mwahahaha! Now, the '80s dresses. Natasha, Jael, and Sarah. The dresses are awesomely ugly. Roy interviews that Natasha wasn't cognizant of the other girls around her. And last week, Nigel said she had no concept of the lights and camera. Maybe she really is a Martian. Felicia, Whitney, and Samantha. Whitney bounces along happily. Hehe. Roy says that Samantha needs more attitude. Cassandra, Renee, and Dionne. Roy thinks Renee is bland, but that she seemed to connect with the audience. Diana, Jaslene, and Brittany. Brittany interviews (in that strange lockjaw accent of hers) that she was just trying to act the part and hit her marks.
It's time for Ghetto Fabulous. Let's throw these hoochie mamas out on stage so that impressionable youth can aspire to look like streetwalkers! Sarah, Natasha, Jael, and Sarah's boobs are up first. That's right, though Sarah probably tops out at an A cup, her boobs are actively escaping from her dress. The kids go apeshit. It's not her fault; it's the dress'. Still, she does absolutely nothing to cover herself, saying she doesn't want to "ruin her runway walk". Sarah? You're not at the Versace show in Paris. You're competing in a dumb challenge for a dumb reality show in front of children. Put them away. Jael interviews that she was proud to share the stage with Sarah for her "liberating" moment. Save some weed for the rest of us, Jael. Whitney, Samantha, and Felicia. Whitney again outshines the others. Samantha interviews that her dress needs to be burned, and that she would never be allowed to go to prom in something so revealing. Meanwhile, Whitney and Felicia are crashing into each other in the background. Then they come up to the front and crash into each other again. Jaslene, Brittany, and Diana. Brittany's walk fully embraces the sluttiness of her dress. That's actually a compliment. Roy loves her. Jaslene the No Longer Awesome crosses the runway and walks full-on into Diana, who has literally nowhere to go to avoid the collision. Roy says Jaslene didn't get the choreography, and didn't know or care where the other girls were. Dionne, Cassandra, and Renee. Dionne and Renee bump hips a bit, which Renee refers to as a "trainwreck", but it's really not half as bad as the other mistakes we've seen. Cassandra makes a what-the-fuck-ever face that sends me into a fit of giggles.
Roy gathers the girls backstage. He repeats all the critiques that we've heard already, rightfully giving Sarah a hard time for letting her non-goodies fly in the wind. He tells Renee that she lagged behind the choreography, and you can hear her brain snap. He gives Brittany kudos, and turns to Jaslene. She has a wide smile on her face, fully expecting lavish praise. It does not come. Roy tells her he thinks she made the most mistakes. Her smile fades into a tight face that makes her look like she just sucked a lemon for half an hour. Roy declares Brittany the winner. She gets a humongous trophy with a spray-painted high heel on top. Hahahaha! Sarah finds it as hilarious as I do. The girls pile into the Monster Humvee, and head back to the model pad. Brittany proudly hauls her trophy off to her room. Jaslene bitches to Renee about how she wasn't the only one to make mistakes. Which is true. Whitney and Felicia had as many, if not more problems than Jaslene. Of course, the healthy thing to do is just let it go, but Jaslene's entire world concept of being Supremely Awesome has just been shattered, and she can't handle it. Renee interviews that Jaslene is cocky, self-centered, and insecure. Again, we could say a gazillion things about how hypocritical that is coming from Renee, but she's still right.
Whitney and Felicia feel the tension spreading through the house. They are not at all caught up in how the challenge went, because they actually realize how unimportant it was. Felicia pegs Jaslene as being mad that she's not ruling the competition anymore. Jaslene hears them talking about her, and tries to cause a little spat with Felicia, which is as effective as a gnat trying to take on a walrus. Felicia's like "Whatever, bitch", and a humiliated Jaslene runs off to the telephone to cry to mama. "They're mad because I'm the best walker!!!!" she wails. Hahahaha! I love it. Other girls sit outside smoking, and Renee reports on Jaslene's fit. Brittany pities Jaslene, while Renee revels in her "front" breaking down. Jaslene likens herself to a time bomb that's about to blow. This, I'll remind you, is in response to Felicia and Whitney saying that Jaslene shouldn't be mad about the challenge, because Brittany deserved the win. Not exactly the harshest of backstabs. Jaslene dabs her face with an enormous paper towel. Hah! Even that's hilarious. This episode is fun.
Commercials. I don't understand this ad where the guy sits in a restaurant and brags about how great he is at grilling, while various women look at him skeptically. Why do they doubt him? Why do they care? What do his cooking skills have to do with the restaurant's food? What the hell is going on?
Tyra Mail! For some unfathomable reason, Natasha is elected to read it. None of the girls have the faintest idea what she's saying. The mail includes some typical yearbook abbreviations, although I've never heard of KIT ("Keep in touch!"). In the morning, the girls head back to the same high school. OJ meets them in the gym for today's photo shoot. The theme will be the awards that yearbooks give out at the end of the year, which OJ calls "high school cliches". He assigns the girls their roles, which we'll get to. Unfortunately, this is one of those episodes in which they have a bunch of bullshit product placement, so they can cram a particular company's cosmetics or shampoo or whatever down our throats. Fortunately, we can skip all that crap now. Hair and makeup ensues.
First up for the photo shoot is Jael, the "bookworm". Her outfit is really adorable, from the cartoon raccoon on her pink sweater-vest to the Wicked Witch of the East socks. She does a few full-on nerd poses, looking almost like Urkel in a couple. Well done. Sarah is the "class flirt". She's as dreadfully dull as she was last week. Dionne is the "bad girl". She interviews that she's not really bad, but can play it up as a seductress. She does a good job. I don't know why I like Dionne, but I do. Cassandra is the "cheerleader", I guess because "warthog mascot" wasn't one of the choices. She tries to pull off the "Ho-hum, I'm bored with everything and everyone around me" look. It's an interesting idea, but not what OJ is looking for. He (obliquely) tells her to liven it up, but she doesn't. Renee is the "class clown", and it's time to settle in for yet another incomprehensible rant. She says she's "piffed" (I guess that's a mixture of "pissed" and "miffed") that he assigned her a role she doesn't feel she's good at. She wants to get something that plays to her strengths, like she feels other girls are getting. Hmm, where to start? With the fact that since she feels she's so above everyone else in this competition, she should be able to be versatile? With the fact that "class clown" is about the easiest role to act out, like, ever? With the fact that other girls are similarly getting roles that don't really match up with their overall character? With the fact that Renee is a contestant, and doesn't really get to dictate what she's given to do? The reason I particularly love her snit is because I wonder what she expects in the real world of modeling. "Oh, I don't do well posing outdoors." "Really? OK, then! Let's redesign the whole shoot. The model doesn't feel she does well outdoors, and what she says, goes." Dumbass. Her shoot sucks, which makes me happy. OJ says that she doesn't have a good range of expression. Yeah, there aren't many stops between "smug" and "abrasive".
Up next is Samantha, the "girl with the bad reputation". In other words, the slut. Which doesn't fit her character at all, Renee. Samantha's interview must be written verbatim: "Last week I was a lesbian, and now I'm a ho. Sooooo much fun." Hahahahahaha! That gave me my first outright belly laugh of the season. Awesome. She tries to pose sexily. A naughty word I can't catch is bandied around. Stupid censorship. Samantha says she doesn't even talk like that around her close girlfriends. After saying it on national television. OK, Samantha. Renee bitches some more about how easy it is to act sexy. Well, it's also easy to act goofy. Just ask CariDee. Brittany is the "valedictorian" and gives a hilariously perky grin, a la Tracy Flick. She settles in and gives some more generic model poses as well. She's really doing well this week.
Whitney is the "mean girl". Her evil eyebrow pop is quite impressive. OJ isn't as happy with her, thinking she could have gone further with her "character". Diana is gussied up as "class president". I'm not sure how a black beret follows from that, but whatever. She does fine. Felicia is the "jock", and looks phenomenal. She gives several graceful leaps, which OJ rhapsodizes over. Jaslene is the "weirdo". I'll say. Oh, they mean for the photo shoot. She's essentially done up as Ally Sheedy in The Breakfast Club, but with one of those fuzzy, lumberjack hats. She does very well, although I have to say the outfit and makeup do most of the work. Renee is bitter some more. Yawn. Natasha is the "teacher's pet", and has no idea what that means. Sigh. Plus, what the hell is going on with her outfit? She looks like Strega Nona. She, like Sarah, just stands there looking boring. OJ hates her. She's upset with herself afterwards, saying she feels like she's failing. At least she grasps that. Oddly, she doesn't blame all her problems on those mean old producers giving her the "wrong" role. Doesn't she realize that the world should cater to her every whim?
Evening. A cool shot of the moon. More of Renee bitching about the same damn thing. We get it, thanks. The other girls are all "Uh, huh. So you suck." Tyra Mail! Jael strolls in topless, which doesn't go over well with Cassandra. Upcoming elimination. Samantha feels like there's a time and a place to be loud and fun, but doesn't think being in a house full of models on television is that time and place. The gong noise in your head just got louder, didn't it? Natasha is nervous, knowing her photo shoot didn't go well.
Commercials. Ah, the ancient art of collecting guys' phone numbers by acting like a helpless, incompetent boob. How far you've come, ladies.
We enter the Chamber of Doom on a rather lifeless picture of Tyra holding a diploma. Ugh, and she's wearing another hippie biker outfit this week. Give it up, Tyra. The girls stream in, and she compliments them on how they look. Prizes and judges are recapped. The guest judge is Roy, and there is thankfully no final challenge this week, so we can get right to individual evaluations. Sarah. Her shot's so-so, and Tyra reads the report from OJ that says Sarah tends to overthink everything she does. Cassandra. The judges think her cheerleader shot is dead-eyed, but I actually think it's the first time I've seen Cassandra look almost pretty. Diana. The judges like her snooty facial expression and strong body language. My boss is convinced they've airbrushed Diana's chin, but I don't see it. Dionne. Her bad girl shot is great, and the judges respond well to it. As usual, we barely hear a word out of Dionne herself. Brittany. I'm actually not wild about her valedictorian shot, because I preferred the more expressive poses she gave early in the shoot. This is one of those placid model poses. The judges love it, though. Samantha. I think her face looks wonderful in her photo, but since her elimination is already sealed, the judges have to come up with some excuses. They say she's not trampy enough, and seemed unsure.
Felicia. I think her jock shot may be the best of the week. How she managed to look so good while jumping in the air is beyond me. The judges give her a heap of praise. Jael. The judges like the balance between sexy and nerdy that she's struck in her photo. Jaslene. The judges love the shot as much as OJ did, but again, look at that photo, and try to imagine it without the goth makeup and the dumpy outfit. It's just Jaslene looking at a camera. So naturally, Jaslene takes this opportunity to whine to the judges about how mean the other girls are. My eyes roll so hard, they create a gravitational pull strong enough to attract loose change. Back in the group, Renee can barely contain herself, even though she's not who Jaslene is referring to. The judges basically tell her to grow a fucking skin.
Whitney. The judges like the close-up of her face, but not her body language. Tyra also tells her to work on her range, saying there weren't a lot of shots to choose from. Whitney says she found it difficult to stay on her mark. As with countless episodes before, Tyra takes a remark that means "I don't know how to do this well. How do I [fill in the blank] without messing up?" to mean "How can I possibly take a good shot when I have to [fill in the blank]? You're just being unreasonable." So rather than say anything useful, Tyra just dismisses Whitney as making excuses. Shut up, Tyra. Renee. Tyra tells her she's not keeping her attention on making her face pretty. Everyone likes the body language, though. Shot of Jaslene looking sour. Hey, editors? Is it Jaslene vs. Renee or Jaslene vs. Felicia/Whitney? Make up your damn minds. Natasha's photo sucks. Roy says she looks like the wicked witch in Snow White, and she totally does. Tyra tells her to relax her mouth more as well. Natasha's a mail-order bride; I'm sure her mouth is plenty relaxed. Zing! The girls are dismissed.
Commercials. The reality show about the Pussycat Dolls proudly displays the B+ they got in Entertainment Weekly. "Hooray! We're above average!"
Deliberations. Brittany rocks. Renee needs work, but she "touches" Tyra (read: we need to hang on to the bitch for a while). Twiggy finds Whitney "housewifey", but Nigel loves her personality. Tyra thinks she's in desperate need of a makeover. Cassandra needs to model with more strength. Twiggy wants to slap Natasha. Hah! Sweet. Miss J thinks Diana needs to show more energy and less control. Twiggy likes her face. The judges like Jaslene's photo, but don't care much for the girl. Sarah is disappointing. Roy thinks they should give her time to develop. Samantha doesn't drink, yell, curse, show her boobies, have fights with other girls, or burst into tears at the drop of a hat. Therefore, she sucks. Twiggy finds Jael incomprehensible. Dionne's photo is "saucy". Felicia is great, but Tyra obsessively disagrees with the time Felicia said she thought she looked like Tyra, which was forever ago. Let it go, Tyra.
Elimination. Jaslene is safe. Felicia. Diana. Renee. Brittany. Cassandra. Dionne. Jael. She's still stoned. Whitney is safe. Sarah. Will Samantha and Natasha please step forward? Samantha is too normal. That's not what they say, but it's what they mean. Natasha is a fugly moron. That's not what they say, but it's what they mean. So of course, Natasha is safe, and Samantha, whose photo is about ten times better than hers, is eliminated. At least Tyra puts it gently, and says that Samantha just needs more time. Samantha hugs the other girls and leaves. She is as refreshingly non-bitter as Kathleen was in her final interview, saying she's looking forward to going back to her family, and that maybe she'll be a model later, but that now just wasn't the time. Aw. Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Makeovers! Finally! Renee picks a fight with Brittany, which I swear I knew was going to happen the very moment Brittany won the challenge this week. Jael gets bad news from home.
Overall Grade: A-
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Renee effortlessly ascended the Bitch of the Season throne. Jaslene seemed kind of weird and incompetent, but really pulled it together for the first photo shoot. Kathleen couldn't find her way out of the fog she's been stumbling around in for the entirety of her life, and she was the first girl cut. Twelve girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening credits. Adrianne? No, there's never been one of those on this show. La la la! I can't hear you!
Evening at the model pad. As the girls come in, someone says she already misses Kathleen, while Jaslene sighs "Ay, mi casa", which is helpfully subtitled in English for the people who don't know the easiest words in the Spanish language aside from "si". Jaslene calls her mom and brags about doing so well at the first panel. She really enjoyed the positive feedback from the judges. All this is fine, of course, but you can tell that Jaslene is already overbuying her own hype. She's certainly entitled to be proud of a job well done last week, but it looks like she's ready to be greeted with a processional of rose petals wherever she goes now. Jael and Whitney pal around a little, and Samantha interviews that some of these other girls are crazy, and that she likes to keep to herself. She likes to "release her feelings" by writing in a notebook or calling her family. That gong noise you just heard in your head? That was Samantha's upcoming elimination, which was just foreshadowed about as subtly as having a vulture circle above her bed. She calls her dad and cries that she misses him. That's one thing about reality show contestants I've never understood. I'm always seeing people on TV crying about how much they miss their families, and bursting into tears when they catch even the merest glimpse of the wife, husband, parent, or child that they've been away from for all of three weeks. Are people really that dependent on one another? I love my family dearly, but not seeing them for a month would really not be that big a deal. Samantha wraps up her I-am-so-dead-meat segment by saying that she's really different from the other girls, but would love to be on the cover of a magazine.
Tyra Mail! There's a hint about as broad as a barn door ("Babies learn how to do it -- can you?") that the girls will be working on their walks. They're all proud of themselves for figuring it out. Night turns into morning, and the girls stride into the football field at a local high school. A marching band...marches in, led by Miss J, who is somehow able to pull off the lameness of a marching band uniform better than most. He tells the girls that models sometimes need to be very precise. Like marching bands! Get it? GET IT?!?! Miss J sends the girls off to get changed, and they come back looking like a lesbian golf team. The powder blue shirts and navy blue shorts are pretty standard-issue ugly high school gym clothes, but I know of no school that forces the students to wear visors. They've also got high heels on. Watching the girls on this show clomp around in high heels is always a nice reminder of how glad I am to be male. Miss J has also changed into a light yellow shirt, plaid skirt, and pigtails (complete with those little ball barrettes I haven't seen on kids since the '80s, and really miss). He twirls around. I remember when this kind of schtick delighted me, but I'm kind of over him now. I still prefer him to OJ, but that's not saying much, since I'd prefer getting stung in the privates by a jellyfish to OJ.
Miss J asks the girls to demonstrate their walks. They go one by one, with Miss J offering various bits of advice and criticism. He tells Natasha that he's not sure if she's "marching or walking", which gets filtered through her brain as "Miss J told me I walk like a Martian". Haha! That language barrier is even tougher when the girl behind it is so dumb. Jaslene is told to take longer steps, but she's still floating on that cloud of her own awesomeness from last week, and doesn't appreciate the advice. A bunch of planes fly overhead, and Miss J points them out as an example of precision in groups. Yes, it's time for the models to work together. Yay! It's always fun forcing these megalomaniacs to try and sublimate their egos for a team challenge. You can tell how much it wears on them to share the spotlight, even for a moment. Miss J explains the group choreography, which is helpfully demonstrated via the Washed-Out Screen of Exposition. Three girls will start side-by-side, and begin walking. At one point, the girl in the center will stop, and the two side girls will continue on, but cross over to the other side. They walk over, that is. I don't mean they die and become ghosts. When the side girls reach the end, they turn around and come back. As they do that, the center girl walks forward. The side girls pause, and wait for the center girl to catch up, at which point all three of them finish walking back together. And that's it! The choreography is no more complicated than any second-grade play, but we're about to see why making it any more complex would have been unwise.
Ready? Natasha clearly isn't, but too bad, sucker. Go! The first group (from the audience's left to right) is Felicia, Whitney, and Renee. Felicia forgets to keep moving when Whitney stops. Renee brags about how well she did. That you did, Renee. Now you can climb the rung to the next most complicated task: memorizing your Social Security number. The next group is Sarah, Natasha, and Jael. Jael and Sarah almost crash as they cross, but what's really noteworthy is that Sarah interviews how much more elegant and natural she feels walking in high heels. That's an editor's wet dream, and they gleefully show her stumbling over her own feet. Hehehe. Jaslene the Awesome finds the other girls' walks hilarious. How will they ever compete with Jaslene the Awesome? The next group is Brittany, Cassandra, and Diana. There's another almost-collision at the crossing point, which includes Cassandra, who shouldn't even be there. Brittany forgets to wait for Cassandra to catch up for the final stretch. Man, would I have loved to see Kathleen attempt this. Samantha, Jaslene, and Dionne. Jaslene the Awesome brags some more. They don't show us any screwups with this final group, so they probably managed to pull it off.
The girls are sent into the high school gym, where there's a runway set up with bright blue and yellow balloons and tinsel. They're met by Roy Campbell, a fashion show producer who introduces today's challenge. The girls will be putting on a fashion show with a prom theme for the school's students. Miss J emerges onto the catwalk in a hideous, poofy blue prom dress. Natasha explains that they don't have proms in Russia. What about on Mars, Natasha? Miss J tells the girls that the routine he taught them earlier will be the one they'll do for the fashion show. There will be three prom themes featured ("Modern-Contemporary", "The '80s", and "Ghetto Fabulous"), and each of the girls will come out once for each theme. To make it even more devious, their placement in the line of three will change each time. They couldn't even handle it once, so this should be fun. After a quick hair and makeup montage, they're ready to go. Natasha gives Jael some advice about walking faster or something. Jael completely blows her off. Roy comes backstage and says (for the second time, actually) that a great prize awaits the challenge's winner. The gym fills with students. I'd like to meet the principal who was all "Cancel class so that my kids can watch anorexic bitches fall all over each other? Sounds good!". Actually, there appears to be a fair amount of adults in the audience as well, so maybe this is after school. Roy comes out and introduces himself. Backstage, Jaslene mouthily answers Felicia's question about when to cross. Renee concludes from this that Jaslene is full of herself, and hey, just cause Renee's a bitch doesn't mean she's wrong. Jaslene postures a bit about her "signature walk", which is the same as every other signature walk in the history of this show (i.e., stomping a lot).
Commercials. To paraphrase the great Hermes Conrad, I'd like to take everyone who designs, manufactures, and uses those Nextel walkie-talkies and put them into a bag. And throw the bag into a river. And hurl the river into space.
Sarah recaps the three prom themes for us, in case we forgot in the past two minutes. The kids cheer. Some of them look about seven years old. Let the mayhem begin! Modern-Contemporary. First out is Jael, Sarah, and Natasha. They do fine. Renee, Dionne, and Cassandra. Also fine. I've noticed the side girls now do an additional cross on their way back, which was either thrown in at the last minute, or never shown in the first place. Samantha, Felicia, and Whitney. They're fine. Brittany, Diana, and Jaslene. Still fine. Huh. Maybe these girls have pulled themselves together, and have got this routine down pat. Mwahahaha! Now, the '80s dresses. Natasha, Jael, and Sarah. The dresses are awesomely ugly. Roy interviews that Natasha wasn't cognizant of the other girls around her. And last week, Nigel said she had no concept of the lights and camera. Maybe she really is a Martian. Felicia, Whitney, and Samantha. Whitney bounces along happily. Hehe. Roy says that Samantha needs more attitude. Cassandra, Renee, and Dionne. Roy thinks Renee is bland, but that she seemed to connect with the audience. Diana, Jaslene, and Brittany. Brittany interviews (in that strange lockjaw accent of hers) that she was just trying to act the part and hit her marks.
It's time for Ghetto Fabulous. Let's throw these hoochie mamas out on stage so that impressionable youth can aspire to look like streetwalkers! Sarah, Natasha, Jael, and Sarah's boobs are up first. That's right, though Sarah probably tops out at an A cup, her boobs are actively escaping from her dress. The kids go apeshit. It's not her fault; it's the dress'. Still, she does absolutely nothing to cover herself, saying she doesn't want to "ruin her runway walk". Sarah? You're not at the Versace show in Paris. You're competing in a dumb challenge for a dumb reality show in front of children. Put them away. Jael interviews that she was proud to share the stage with Sarah for her "liberating" moment. Save some weed for the rest of us, Jael. Whitney, Samantha, and Felicia. Whitney again outshines the others. Samantha interviews that her dress needs to be burned, and that she would never be allowed to go to prom in something so revealing. Meanwhile, Whitney and Felicia are crashing into each other in the background. Then they come up to the front and crash into each other again. Jaslene, Brittany, and Diana. Brittany's walk fully embraces the sluttiness of her dress. That's actually a compliment. Roy loves her. Jaslene the No Longer Awesome crosses the runway and walks full-on into Diana, who has literally nowhere to go to avoid the collision. Roy says Jaslene didn't get the choreography, and didn't know or care where the other girls were. Dionne, Cassandra, and Renee. Dionne and Renee bump hips a bit, which Renee refers to as a "trainwreck", but it's really not half as bad as the other mistakes we've seen. Cassandra makes a what-the-fuck-ever face that sends me into a fit of giggles.
Roy gathers the girls backstage. He repeats all the critiques that we've heard already, rightfully giving Sarah a hard time for letting her non-goodies fly in the wind. He tells Renee that she lagged behind the choreography, and you can hear her brain snap. He gives Brittany kudos, and turns to Jaslene. She has a wide smile on her face, fully expecting lavish praise. It does not come. Roy tells her he thinks she made the most mistakes. Her smile fades into a tight face that makes her look like she just sucked a lemon for half an hour. Roy declares Brittany the winner. She gets a humongous trophy with a spray-painted high heel on top. Hahahaha! Sarah finds it as hilarious as I do. The girls pile into the Monster Humvee, and head back to the model pad. Brittany proudly hauls her trophy off to her room. Jaslene bitches to Renee about how she wasn't the only one to make mistakes. Which is true. Whitney and Felicia had as many, if not more problems than Jaslene. Of course, the healthy thing to do is just let it go, but Jaslene's entire world concept of being Supremely Awesome has just been shattered, and she can't handle it. Renee interviews that Jaslene is cocky, self-centered, and insecure. Again, we could say a gazillion things about how hypocritical that is coming from Renee, but she's still right.
Whitney and Felicia feel the tension spreading through the house. They are not at all caught up in how the challenge went, because they actually realize how unimportant it was. Felicia pegs Jaslene as being mad that she's not ruling the competition anymore. Jaslene hears them talking about her, and tries to cause a little spat with Felicia, which is as effective as a gnat trying to take on a walrus. Felicia's like "Whatever, bitch", and a humiliated Jaslene runs off to the telephone to cry to mama. "They're mad because I'm the best walker!!!!" she wails. Hahahaha! I love it. Other girls sit outside smoking, and Renee reports on Jaslene's fit. Brittany pities Jaslene, while Renee revels in her "front" breaking down. Jaslene likens herself to a time bomb that's about to blow. This, I'll remind you, is in response to Felicia and Whitney saying that Jaslene shouldn't be mad about the challenge, because Brittany deserved the win. Not exactly the harshest of backstabs. Jaslene dabs her face with an enormous paper towel. Hah! Even that's hilarious. This episode is fun.
Commercials. I don't understand this ad where the guy sits in a restaurant and brags about how great he is at grilling, while various women look at him skeptically. Why do they doubt him? Why do they care? What do his cooking skills have to do with the restaurant's food? What the hell is going on?
Tyra Mail! For some unfathomable reason, Natasha is elected to read it. None of the girls have the faintest idea what she's saying. The mail includes some typical yearbook abbreviations, although I've never heard of KIT ("Keep in touch!"). In the morning, the girls head back to the same high school. OJ meets them in the gym for today's photo shoot. The theme will be the awards that yearbooks give out at the end of the year, which OJ calls "high school cliches". He assigns the girls their roles, which we'll get to. Unfortunately, this is one of those episodes in which they have a bunch of bullshit product placement, so they can cram a particular company's cosmetics or shampoo or whatever down our throats. Fortunately, we can skip all that crap now. Hair and makeup ensues.
First up for the photo shoot is Jael, the "bookworm". Her outfit is really adorable, from the cartoon raccoon on her pink sweater-vest to the Wicked Witch of the East socks. She does a few full-on nerd poses, looking almost like Urkel in a couple. Well done. Sarah is the "class flirt". She's as dreadfully dull as she was last week. Dionne is the "bad girl". She interviews that she's not really bad, but can play it up as a seductress. She does a good job. I don't know why I like Dionne, but I do. Cassandra is the "cheerleader", I guess because "warthog mascot" wasn't one of the choices. She tries to pull off the "Ho-hum, I'm bored with everything and everyone around me" look. It's an interesting idea, but not what OJ is looking for. He (obliquely) tells her to liven it up, but she doesn't. Renee is the "class clown", and it's time to settle in for yet another incomprehensible rant. She says she's "piffed" (I guess that's a mixture of "pissed" and "miffed") that he assigned her a role she doesn't feel she's good at. She wants to get something that plays to her strengths, like she feels other girls are getting. Hmm, where to start? With the fact that since she feels she's so above everyone else in this competition, she should be able to be versatile? With the fact that "class clown" is about the easiest role to act out, like, ever? With the fact that other girls are similarly getting roles that don't really match up with their overall character? With the fact that Renee is a contestant, and doesn't really get to dictate what she's given to do? The reason I particularly love her snit is because I wonder what she expects in the real world of modeling. "Oh, I don't do well posing outdoors." "Really? OK, then! Let's redesign the whole shoot. The model doesn't feel she does well outdoors, and what she says, goes." Dumbass. Her shoot sucks, which makes me happy. OJ says that she doesn't have a good range of expression. Yeah, there aren't many stops between "smug" and "abrasive".
Up next is Samantha, the "girl with the bad reputation". In other words, the slut. Which doesn't fit her character at all, Renee. Samantha's interview must be written verbatim: "Last week I was a lesbian, and now I'm a ho. Sooooo much fun." Hahahahahaha! That gave me my first outright belly laugh of the season. Awesome. She tries to pose sexily. A naughty word I can't catch is bandied around. Stupid censorship. Samantha says she doesn't even talk like that around her close girlfriends. After saying it on national television. OK, Samantha. Renee bitches some more about how easy it is to act sexy. Well, it's also easy to act goofy. Just ask CariDee. Brittany is the "valedictorian" and gives a hilariously perky grin, a la Tracy Flick. She settles in and gives some more generic model poses as well. She's really doing well this week.
Whitney is the "mean girl". Her evil eyebrow pop is quite impressive. OJ isn't as happy with her, thinking she could have gone further with her "character". Diana is gussied up as "class president". I'm not sure how a black beret follows from that, but whatever. She does fine. Felicia is the "jock", and looks phenomenal. She gives several graceful leaps, which OJ rhapsodizes over. Jaslene is the "weirdo". I'll say. Oh, they mean for the photo shoot. She's essentially done up as Ally Sheedy in The Breakfast Club, but with one of those fuzzy, lumberjack hats. She does very well, although I have to say the outfit and makeup do most of the work. Renee is bitter some more. Yawn. Natasha is the "teacher's pet", and has no idea what that means. Sigh. Plus, what the hell is going on with her outfit? She looks like Strega Nona. She, like Sarah, just stands there looking boring. OJ hates her. She's upset with herself afterwards, saying she feels like she's failing. At least she grasps that. Oddly, she doesn't blame all her problems on those mean old producers giving her the "wrong" role. Doesn't she realize that the world should cater to her every whim?
Evening. A cool shot of the moon. More of Renee bitching about the same damn thing. We get it, thanks. The other girls are all "Uh, huh. So you suck." Tyra Mail! Jael strolls in topless, which doesn't go over well with Cassandra. Upcoming elimination. Samantha feels like there's a time and a place to be loud and fun, but doesn't think being in a house full of models on television is that time and place. The gong noise in your head just got louder, didn't it? Natasha is nervous, knowing her photo shoot didn't go well.
Commercials. Ah, the ancient art of collecting guys' phone numbers by acting like a helpless, incompetent boob. How far you've come, ladies.
We enter the Chamber of Doom on a rather lifeless picture of Tyra holding a diploma. Ugh, and she's wearing another hippie biker outfit this week. Give it up, Tyra. The girls stream in, and she compliments them on how they look. Prizes and judges are recapped. The guest judge is Roy, and there is thankfully no final challenge this week, so we can get right to individual evaluations. Sarah. Her shot's so-so, and Tyra reads the report from OJ that says Sarah tends to overthink everything she does. Cassandra. The judges think her cheerleader shot is dead-eyed, but I actually think it's the first time I've seen Cassandra look almost pretty. Diana. The judges like her snooty facial expression and strong body language. My boss is convinced they've airbrushed Diana's chin, but I don't see it. Dionne. Her bad girl shot is great, and the judges respond well to it. As usual, we barely hear a word out of Dionne herself. Brittany. I'm actually not wild about her valedictorian shot, because I preferred the more expressive poses she gave early in the shoot. This is one of those placid model poses. The judges love it, though. Samantha. I think her face looks wonderful in her photo, but since her elimination is already sealed, the judges have to come up with some excuses. They say she's not trampy enough, and seemed unsure.
Felicia. I think her jock shot may be the best of the week. How she managed to look so good while jumping in the air is beyond me. The judges give her a heap of praise. Jael. The judges like the balance between sexy and nerdy that she's struck in her photo. Jaslene. The judges love the shot as much as OJ did, but again, look at that photo, and try to imagine it without the goth makeup and the dumpy outfit. It's just Jaslene looking at a camera. So naturally, Jaslene takes this opportunity to whine to the judges about how mean the other girls are. My eyes roll so hard, they create a gravitational pull strong enough to attract loose change. Back in the group, Renee can barely contain herself, even though she's not who Jaslene is referring to. The judges basically tell her to grow a fucking skin.
Whitney. The judges like the close-up of her face, but not her body language. Tyra also tells her to work on her range, saying there weren't a lot of shots to choose from. Whitney says she found it difficult to stay on her mark. As with countless episodes before, Tyra takes a remark that means "I don't know how to do this well. How do I [fill in the blank] without messing up?" to mean "How can I possibly take a good shot when I have to [fill in the blank]? You're just being unreasonable." So rather than say anything useful, Tyra just dismisses Whitney as making excuses. Shut up, Tyra. Renee. Tyra tells her she's not keeping her attention on making her face pretty. Everyone likes the body language, though. Shot of Jaslene looking sour. Hey, editors? Is it Jaslene vs. Renee or Jaslene vs. Felicia/Whitney? Make up your damn minds. Natasha's photo sucks. Roy says she looks like the wicked witch in Snow White, and she totally does. Tyra tells her to relax her mouth more as well. Natasha's a mail-order bride; I'm sure her mouth is plenty relaxed. Zing! The girls are dismissed.
Commercials. The reality show about the Pussycat Dolls proudly displays the B+ they got in Entertainment Weekly. "Hooray! We're above average!"
Deliberations. Brittany rocks. Renee needs work, but she "touches" Tyra (read: we need to hang on to the bitch for a while). Twiggy finds Whitney "housewifey", but Nigel loves her personality. Tyra thinks she's in desperate need of a makeover. Cassandra needs to model with more strength. Twiggy wants to slap Natasha. Hah! Sweet. Miss J thinks Diana needs to show more energy and less control. Twiggy likes her face. The judges like Jaslene's photo, but don't care much for the girl. Sarah is disappointing. Roy thinks they should give her time to develop. Samantha doesn't drink, yell, curse, show her boobies, have fights with other girls, or burst into tears at the drop of a hat. Therefore, she sucks. Twiggy finds Jael incomprehensible. Dionne's photo is "saucy". Felicia is great, but Tyra obsessively disagrees with the time Felicia said she thought she looked like Tyra, which was forever ago. Let it go, Tyra.
Elimination. Jaslene is safe. Felicia. Diana. Renee. Brittany. Cassandra. Dionne. Jael. She's still stoned. Whitney is safe. Sarah. Will Samantha and Natasha please step forward? Samantha is too normal. That's not what they say, but it's what they mean. Natasha is a fugly moron. That's not what they say, but it's what they mean. So of course, Natasha is safe, and Samantha, whose photo is about ten times better than hers, is eliminated. At least Tyra puts it gently, and says that Samantha just needs more time. Samantha hugs the other girls and leaves. She is as refreshingly non-bitter as Kathleen was in her final interview, saying she's looking forward to going back to her family, and that maybe she'll be a model later, but that now just wasn't the time. Aw. Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Makeovers! Finally! Renee picks a fight with Brittany, which I swear I knew was going to happen the very moment Brittany won the challenge this week. Jael gets bad news from home.
Overall Grade: A-
Monday, March 05, 2007
The Girl Who Won't Stop Talking - Part 2
America's Next Top Model - Season 8, Episode 1
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Twenty girls with dreams of public catfights and teary confessionals to Tyra were sent home disappointed. Twelve girls made it to the finals, as did an alpaca named Cassandra. Who will be saddled with the shame of being sent home before she's had time to unpack?
The finalists walk down the street for no discernible reason. Sarah thinks she has a leg up on the other girls, because she has experience modeling and because she's a fashion photographer. Jael's not really focusing on the competition, interviewing that she'd like to be everyone's friend. What a sweet, yet entirely unattainable goal. Kathleen interviews that she's never modeled, and wants to use this as a learning experience. Suddenly, a motorcycle pulls up, and the rider's helmet is pulled off to reveal a hideously grinning OJ. My skin crawls about an inch. The girls scream as if they haven't spent the past two days auditioning for him, and the windows in all of the nearby buildings threaten to shatter. OJ tells them that the winner stands among them, and that girl will be a household name and role model. Snerk. Yes, many is the morning families across America meet over the breakfast table and say "Let's all get out there and be as much like Eva as possible!". OJ asks them if they're ready to "make a statement". They all scream their assent. Felicia has one of those nasty tongue studs. It turns out that they're going to get right to the first photo shoot, rather than heading for the model pad. Strange. Renee is confident, as are all the bitches who wind up taking third (or second) place.
Cut to the girls walking into an open room. OJ tells them that the world of fashion is very political, and that they'll be assigned different stances on various issues for today's photo. OK, I can see some nice potential in that. The girls will need to really sell their stance, regardless of whether or not they really agree with it. I don't think I'm giving away too much when I say that offending the girls' political sensibilities is really not much of an issue. OJ tells each of the girls which stance they'll be, which we'll get to in a bit. He then introduces today's photographer. It's Nigel, who attempts to make a dramatic entrance by...riding up in an elevator. I generally adore Nigel, though I certainly wouldn't scream the building down the way the girls do when they see him. Nigel doesn't get a single word in before the girls are hustled upstairs to get ready.
Hair and makeup montage. Ugh, Sutan the Ugly is still around, I see. Kathleen asks the guy who's working on her hair how she should portray her issue (which is anti-fur). She wonders if she should look at the fur as if it stinks. Oh, dear. Renee whips out pictures of her son. I get the feeling we're going to be hearing a lot about that kid over the course of this season. She cries yet again in an interview about how this shows she has much more determination than anyone else. Because nobody in the world has any career ambition for themselves. It has to be on behalf of someone else. Meanwhile, Jael is feeling a bit sick. She coughs, and says that she's got a nagging fever. She thinks it may affect her performance today. Of course, she's still going to give it her all, because who would be stupid enough to beg off a photo shoot for some minor inconvenience? Oh.
Brittany is up first, and her stance is "pro-fur". She looks quite regal, and very good. The scene around her suggests that she's in the front row at a fashion show, and OJ gives her some of his patented unhelpful advice before Nigel gives her the good idea to act like she's at a red carpet event. She interviews that she doesn't really have a problem with fur, but that it's odd to have an animal's head draped down the front of her body. Nigel interviews that Brittany was able to give off the very air of arrogance he was looking for. Up next is Kathleen ("anti-fur"). She's got a weird outfit on, which includes putting her hair back in a white bandana, large, white sunglasses, and a striped, vinyl jacket. The entire ensemble makes her look like one of the extras from the Electric Psychedelic Pussycat Swinger's Club in Austin Powers. Kathleen explains to us that "anti-fur" means she's supposed to act like she hates fur. Thank you, Kathleen. She doesn't mind fur in real life, though, because it "makes you look hot". Now that's the sort of in-depth, hard-hitting social commentary I was hoping for in this episode! Her photo is her standing stridently over a pile of ruined fur that she continues to attack with a paintbrush. She just stands there stymied, pursing her lips at the camera in what she supposes is a sexy pose. OJ and Nigel attempt to help her out by telling her to be more proactive in her shot, and she has no clue what that means. She does the best she can, but it couldn't be more clear how out of her depth she is. Nigel tells her to go wild in her last few frames, and she snuggles some of the fur up to her face, caressingly it lovingly. Oh, dear. I'd get more enjoyment out of her idiocy if I didn't like her, but she seems sweet, which makes this kind of painful.
Next up is Jaslene ("pro-death penalty"). Wow, she looks much better now that the hair and makeup people have worked on her. For the first time, I can see why she was allowed into the finals. She's wearing some odd kind of sexed-up executioner outfit, and carries a mace. A noose hangs in the background. Is she only supporting the kind of death penalty that would require a time machine? I guess it would be too difficult to stage a good shot of her cradling a hypodermic syringe. She wants to represent all the Latina girls out there. Sarah is next ("life in prison"), and is wearing a castoff jumpsuit from a Cinemax softcore porno movie about women in the slammer. She's handcuffed to an open cell door. She pretty much gives the same facial expression a hundred times, which Nigel isn't thrilled with.
Diana ("pro-gun") looks very Tomb-Raideresque. She shares with us that gun ownership is fine by her, as long as you're responsible about it. I'm sure she'll be praying for a gun after sharing the model pad for a few days. Nigel asks for some action shots, but OJ interviews that she didn't really commit to her photo. That's a shame. It seems like this would be one of the easier ones. Renee ("anti-gun") has a crown of flowers with ribbons attached and a hippie peasant top. She holds a gun with a flower sticking out of the end, but the expression she gives to the camera isn't so much serenity-and-peace as I-want-to-give-this-gun-a-blowjob. Jael ("pro-life") still feels crappy. OJ asks her if she supports her stance, and she says that she believes the exact opposite. The scene is her chained up in front of the door to an abortion clinic. I don't really understand the reasoning behind her Donna Reed dress. OJ tells her to think of something that she would passionately chain herself to a door for. I guess it doesn't work, because her face never shows the amount of emotion and energy OJ and Nigel are looking for. She knows she gave a poor performance, and interviews that she knows she would have done better had she felt well enough to give it more energy, but she doesn't want to make excuses. Then, from out of nowhere, she decides that she might feel better if she hula hoops for a while. Renee joins her (even as she interviews that Jael has no chance in the competition). Sarah wonders if Jael's sickness was a ploy.
Commercials. CariDee gives a wretched read for her "Life As a CoverGirl" ad. And just think, we'll get a new one every week! What a unique brand of torture.
We're back just in time to catch Natasha ("pro-choice") having her belly painted with the words "My Choice". That's literally all the thought that went into her shot. It's just her standing in front of a brick wall. Zzzzz. How would anyone get a good photo out of that, let alone the girl with all the subtlety of a hydrogen bomb? Nigel interviews that she had no concept of where the camera or lights were. Samantha and Whitney ("gay marriage") share a photo. They both look quite lovely, Samantha in a white dress and Whitney in a white, opened version of a tuxedo. Their background is a white piece of paper with a rainbow hurriedly painted onto it. Who designed the sets today? Mrs. Tucker's third grade homeroom? Samantha thinks the shot was tough, because she has a boyfriend. Whitney says that playing college basketball helps with portraying the lesbian scene. Hahahaha! Nice burn. Wait, Whitney plays basketball? No way. Felicia ("straight marriage" -- because they're understandably terrified of doing "anti-gay marriage") talks to Nigel in a fake British accent, and actually fools him, bowling him over when she tells him she's from Houston. She's wearing a wedding dress, and cozies up to a mannequin in a tuxedo, because this photo shoot is so cheapass, they couldn't afford a male model. OJ interviews that she didn't play off the mannequin as much as he wanted. Of course, he could have told Felicia this, but then she might have improved, which would take all the fun out of whining about her.
Dionne ("vegan") has a fairly nifty outfit. It's essentially a bikini made up of fruits and vegetables. Nigel interviews that she should have "taken it to the next level", which is one of those phrases that is meaningless, hence we hear it all the time on this show as a way to criticize models without actually having to come up with pertinent complaints. Cassandra ("pro meat") poses on a table stacked with burgers, salami, etc. It's actually making me quite hungry. Luckily, LabRat should be showing up soon with our pizzas (stacked high with meat, of course). Cassandra doesn't look pretty. I don't think any amount of hair and makeup would help her, like it's helped Jaslene and Natasha. However, she got the one issue stance where looking like a cavewoman could work to her advantage. And she still sucks. OJ says that most of the shots have been pretty weak, but seems to let it go as a natural occurrence of the first photo shoot. I don't know, most of the girls did pretty well at the superhero shoot, which was much more difficult than this.
OJ tells the girls that there's a surprise waiting downstairs for them. This is met with screams, of course. It turns out to be the Monster Humvee, ready and waiting to take them to the model pad. Er, that's not much of a surprise. The inside of the Monster Humvee is tricked out in traditionally tacky glory. This season it looks like a dentist's waiting room. At least it's not pink. Some Tyra Mail lets the girls know where they're headed, and includes a very ornate key. The model pad is gorgeous, as always. There's always got to be a theme, and this season it's that all the rooms are modeled after previous winners. There's Yoanna! And Eva! And Naima! And Nicole! And Danielle! I guess they didn't have time to throw together a CariDee room (which wouldn't have walls on either side, the better to allow the wind to blow right through). And that's all the winners! Yup, all of them! Adrianne? Nope, never heard of her! The girls all love the house. Are there more unnecessary and earsplitting screams? And how. Renee interviews that Jael's crazy, and keeps her fun. This is the same Jael that Renee snottily dismissed as having no chance about ten minutes ago. Jael loves Renee right back. They share a sisterly hug, and even a quick smooch. Uh huh. I sense that this camaraderie will last until the end of time. Whitney sheds tears of happiness. Get it together, ladies.
Clouds pass before the moon, and before you know it, a golden angel greets the morning sun. The girls pass the time by taking pictures of each other doing model poses. Kathleen really likes all the other girls, but says that they each have "their own unique beautifulness", and are all stiff competition. Jaslene interviews that Kathleen is the most outspoken girl in the house. As proof of this, we're shown Kathleen looking at a picture of herself on the digital camera and saying "I look so mad." Yes, that little scene was exactly as pointless as it sounds. Sunset. Was that the whole day? Make these bitches do something! Sarah tells some of the other girls that she wants to shoot pictures for Vogue by the time she's 25. She'd also love to be an actress. Renee interviews that Sarah may be insecure, and that she's full of herself, because she brags so much. I can't really disagree, except it's not like Renee is going to be taking home the Miss Humble crown anytime soon. Renee jumps on Sarah for being unfocused, saying that there are tons of other girls who would love to be in Sarah's spot "for modeling". Yeah, fallback careers are pointless. Just be a model forever! Sarah takes Renee to task for presuming to know why she's here, though she says it to the confessional rather than to Renee. Wimp!
Commercials. I never thought I'd miss actual commercials, but this pseudo-news show is grating on my last nerve.
The girls get some Tyra Mail, and this is met with even more completely pointless shrieking. Give it a rest! The Tyra Mail reads "One woman's trash is another woman's treasure". Kathleen interviews that she knows from this that she'll be having to deal with crap. "Not 'crap' literally, but, like, something that someone threw away." Thank you for reassuring me, Kathleen. I was worried the girls would have to wear a feces bikini. Ew, I just grossed myself out. I guess I should be happy she knows how to use the word "literally" correctly. That's one person down; 250 million to go. It's daytime again. Either the girls have an inordinate amount of free time, or this is being shown all out of sequence. The Monster Humvee drops them at Goodwill, where they're met by Miss J and that intensely annoying man Phillip Bloch, who looks like the reanimated corpse of Vincent Price, and who I'm always seeing pop up on VH1 pop culture shows. He describes the community service that Goodwill provides, and outlines today's challenge. The girls have a scant three minutes to raid the racks and come up with an outfit. Cassandra is nervous. Ready? And...go!
Model stampede. Jael is all about thrift stores, saying she loves clothes that "tell a story". Renee is the exact opposite, saying that there aren't many thrift stores on Maui. Kathleen says that it was no problem; she can rock a thrift shop. Time runs out, and the girls gather in their chosen outfits. Miss J says that there's more to the challenge. The girls will walk a runway right now for a charity fashion show. More screaming. Phillip says that the outfits will be bid on, and the girl who chose the outfit with the highest bid wins the challenge. The prize is that the total amount of money bid will be pooled and donated to Goodwill in the winner's name. That's a nice idea. The girls line up. The audience is about thirty people. The show begins. Damn, Phillip is narrating it. Let's ignore that. Natasha is up first. She didn't do half bad for three minutes. She's wearing a pair of jeans and a striped tank top. She's carrying a white purse, and wearing white high heels. Boring, but presentable. Three-quarters of Kathleen looks fine. She's got a dark gray print top and tight maroon pants. That's all good. Her shoes are a bright salmon color, and clash horribly with her pants. Ick. Renee did a good job, damn it. She looks very clean and casual in a purple tank top with a flowing, blue and cranberry skirt, purple purse, and bright pink shoes.
Dionne looks good. She's got an off-white shirt with dark copper pants. Brittany looks boring. She's wearing a dark vest, black pants, and black shoes. Miss J agrees with me that she needs to do better. Felicia mixes it up with a tan coat with fleece at the collar, cuffs, and inside edge (and nothing underneath it). Good idea. Unfortunately, she matches it with white shorts and purple shoes. Jaslene looks awful. She's got this mass of blue fabric down to her thigh where a bit of white fabric pokes out, and has a white belt. She's thisclose to being Violet Beauregarde right before she turned into a blueberry. Except Violet was way cooler than Jaslene. Diana looks pretty frumpy in a black cardigan that looks like it's been crocheted, and a long pink skirt. Sarah looks like Flasher Barbie in a simple, yet ugly hot pink trenchcoat. Whitney has flared blue jeans, and a gray top open to reveal a red shirt beneath. I don't like it, but at least she matches, which is more than I can say for some of these other girls. Samantha just tossed on a little leopard print dress. Zzzz. A girl in the audience who looks a bit like Penelope Cruz gives Samantha the stink-eye. Jael has on a simple, navy blue tank top and matching skirt, with a bright yellow belt. Her hot pink purse and shoes don't go with the outfit at all. Cassandra looks like Madeline grew up and decided to become a streetwalker.
The girls do a final walk, then gather inside to hear the results. They raised a whopping $286.50 to donate today. Please note the sarcasm of the previous sentence. This is a show that thinks nothing of flying several girls and a camera crew halfway across the world and putting them up in a nice hotel every season. And they're not even giving three hundred bucks to charity? Lame. Phillip hands the marker to sign this ridiculously paltry check over to the winner, who is... Jael. Whatever, charity fashion show audience. Jael's outfit wasn't even in the top three. Renee is bitter in an interview, whining that the only reason that Jael won is that she's a thrift shopper. Yes, and? "It's not even like it's a modeling thing," Renee sniffs. "It's not fair at all." Sure, there are about fourteen ways in which that little snit is pure bullshit, but I don't really feel like going into it. You're smart (unless you're Renee). You can figure it out. Speaking of which, Jael worries that winning the challenge will make the other girls not like her, and Renee has ANOTHER interview (I understand she's this season's bitch, guys, but there are twelve other girls we can talk to) in which she says that Jael trying to be nice won't work, because acting nice isn't "real". Well, it certainly isn't for you, snatch.
Evening. Renee presses her point by actually taking Jael aside and telling her she's annoyed, because Jael acts like everything is okay all the time. She actually feels that Jael being nice and polite to people who may occasionally get on her nerves is "fake", and therefore wrong. Jael responds that she's not trying to force happiness on others, but tells Renee not to impress her own personal feelings onto her (Jael). Awesome. She follows up by telling Renee that she's away from her husband and child, while Jael herself has a completely different situation. Renee looks shocked that different people approach situations in ways that she doesn't. Maybe next week we can get a scientist in to demonstrate how the Earth doesn't physically revolve around her. Every little bit helps.
Tyra Mail. Upcoming elimination. Everyone's nervous. Kathleen tells Jaslene that she thinks she did well at the Goodwill challenge, but doesn't know how things are going to go at panel. She may have an inkling, as she says that the first girl eliminated doesn't really have a chance to do her best. Jaslene just stands there with the most ridiculously ugly hair bow I've ever seen. Kathleen says "like" forty gazillion times. Jaslene tells her to keep her hunger for victory. Kathleen interviews that the judges will be...judging them. Thanks again, Kathleen. You're a font of knowledge tonight. She cries and hugs Jaslene. Sarah is more confident. Meanwhile, Renee and Diana aren't even bothering to talk about the upcoming panel, but just whisper about how annoying the other girls are. I guess everyone can't be the ray of sunshine that Renee is.
Commercials. I miss the days that one-hit wonders were just that, and weren't thrust into our faces in movies and television. Yes, that song about wishing that my girlfriend was hot like you is very catchy, and was pretty entertaining for two weeks. Why you think this would translate into interest about who you're going to hire to be in the group that will have all the career longevity of Vanilla Ice is beyond me.
We enter the Chamber of Doom on a picture of Tyra, painted half red and half blue, sitting in front of a dimmed American flag. It's actually quite a cool shot. Less cool is the hippie biker look Tyra's trying to pull off at panel. The girls enter, and Tyra calls them "Miss Ladies". Please never do that again. Tyra recaps the prizes, which are the same as always (a contract with Elite, a cover and spread in Seventeen, and a $100,000 contract with CoverGirl). The usual judges are back as well. I was hoping they'd realize that Miss J can be a fun novelty once in a while, but stinks on ice as a judge. No such luck. At least the far more articulate Nigel and Twiggy are still present. Tyra tells the girls that while they may not have supported the cause portrayed in their picture, it still has to be fierce.
Up first is Jael. Tyra reminds us all that she won the Goodwill challenge, and asks how that feels. Jael says that she was nervous that it would change things between her and the other girls. Dude, it's not like you even won anything. You just wrote your name on a piece of cardboard. Tyra gets that snide look as she asks Jael if she's going to "dull her shine" to be liked. Jael shrugs that she guesses so, but agrees with Nigel that she's learning to be the best she can. The judges find her pro-life shot generically pretty, but her face has no passion in it. Renee openly smirks in the background. Jael brings up her fever, but more as a reason than an excuse. Tyra's never been good at recognizing the difference between those, and tonight is no exception. Next is Natasha. Her pro-choice shot is the boringest bore that ever bored a bore, but loath as I am to admit it, it's not her fault. The judges give her some crap about her expressionless face. Yeah, Natasha. Next time try to convey the depths of emotion one gets from...standing in front of a brick wall. Dionne. Her vegan shot is quite pretty. Tyra calls it good, but not great. She wants Dionne to show more neck and pose so that her jaw doesn't look so big. Fairly minor complaints, all told. Cassandra. Her pro-meat shot sucks out loud. Her nose takes up, like, half of her face.
Renee. Tyra tells her she looks scared in the anti-gun photo, as well as at panel. Not smirking now, are we, Renee? So OF COURSE Renee brings up her son and chokes up with tears, like he has the slightest thing to do with her photo. She says she knows she can do better. You don't need to defend yourself, Renee. The judges will keep you around for a while to make us all mad, then unceremoniously dump your ass. You'll cry, and we'll all feel a lot better about ourselves and the world. Diana. Her pro-gun shot is really disappointing. The judges call her on her dead eyes, but Nigel softens the blow by saying that she did well at giving him an action shot. Kathleen. Tyra asks her how she feels about fur. Kathleen says that if an animal's alive, you shouldn't kill it to make a fur coat. But hey, if an animal just keels over dead then it's okay. Oh, dear. Tyra asks her how the animal would be dead. "You know, cause animals fight each other in the jungle and the woods." Oh, dear. Twiggy gently explains that the animals used for fur coats aren't exactly the ones who have been clawed to death or run over by beer trucks. Kathleen's anti-fur photo is boring, and Nigel pegs her poor performance on her not really understanding the concept of the shot. She cops to it, and Tyra tells her that if she doesn't get something, then she needs to ask. Really, anyone who doesn't get the anti-fur concept shouldn't be running around loose on the streets. Brittany's pro-fur shot is much more successful. I'll call this the best of the bunch this week. She looks quite haughty and like a genuine patrician in her furs.
Whitney and Samantha. They're asked how they feel about gay marriage. Whitney tries to sound accepting as says she's been "exposed" to gay marriage, but ultimately it comes off like she's talking about a virus. Samantha says that any two people in love should be allowed to get married. Their photo isn't bad, but Nigel tells them they didn't turn their bodies toward the camera as he asked them to do. Whitney's letting her bulky suit swallow her, which allows Samantha's beautiful neck to steal the entire photo. That was an odd criticism. Felicia. Tyra jokingly asks how she feels about the "issue" of straight marriage. Felicia is all about men. Her photo is very good, and the judges like it a lot. Jaslene, who really needs to learn how to dress herself. She actually doesn't look half bad in her death penalty shot. She's looking at the camera in a very strong way, as if she's challenging us to take that mace off of her. The judges like the shot, though Tyra brings up Jaslene losing her fiery personality from out of the blue. Whatever, Tyra. Finally, Sarah. Her life-in-prison shot is bland. Nigel says that she didn't do anything with her face. It's true. Tyra tells her she would have done better to either look sad and resigned or crazier than a shithouse rat. The girls are dismissed.
Commercials. Here are swimsuits that will look good on any body! As long as that body is thin!
Deliberations. Renee has no photographic savvy. Miss J thinks she may crack under pressure. Please, she doesn't even need pressure. She's always two seconds away from cracking. Jaslene is fierce. Felicia has good bone structure. Samantha's got a pretty face, but Tyra's not sure about her personality. Because Nicole was such a witty conversationalist and all-around fun girl. Whitney gets the opposite treatment. Great personality, but disappears in the photo. Miss J loves Brittany. Kathleen is an outright moron. Cassandra doesn't have the "model looks" that Nigel is looking for (read: she's fugly). All the judges can find to say about Dionne involves her weave. Sarah didn't live up to the high expectations the judges had for her. Twiggy finds her midsection strange. Heh, that's a new one. Diana is too deadpan. Natasha is relying too heavily on being pretty. Are we talking about the same Natasha? Tyra spills the fact about Jael being biracial like it's a dirty little secret. Tyra also found it strange that Jael was ambivalent about winning the challenge. That's cause Tyra has raw, naked ambition, and doesn't possess the capability to understand people who are perfectly happy to enjoy their ruts. Not that I'm projecting.
Elimination. Tyra is disappointed in the majority of the shots, saying it's up to the models to be inspiring and entertaining. Well, give them better sets and costumes next time. Jaslene is the first to receive her photo. Brittany. I always giggle now when Tyra tells them that they're "still in the running towards becoming America's Next Top Model", because the horrific grammar of that sentence sets Veruca's teeth on edge, and I always hear her rant against it in my head. Personally, I hate "the next name that I'm going to call" much more. Felicia is safe. Diana. Samantha. Cassandra. Renee. She cries, of course. Sarah. Dionne. Whitney. Natasha. Will Kathleen and Jael please step forward? Blah blah loser goes home. Kathleen has a bright spirit, but is dumb. Jael has a great personality, but is "afraid to succeed". But she won the challenge, so she gets her photo. She turns and hugs Kathleen. Renee makes a snotty, dismissive face, which I'm really going to have to come up with a shortcut for, since it happens every forty seconds. Kathleen thanks Tyra and hugs her. She bids the other girls farewell. In her final interview, she says that she's sad, because she feels she didn't really get a proper chance to compete. Her lack of bitterness is refreshing. She's glad that Tyra saw potential in her, and promises to go home and work hard. Aw, I like her. She just needs to hit the books, hardcore. Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Back to high school! Marching bands are involved. Jaslene sucks at something and cries.
Overall Grade: B-
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Twenty girls with dreams of public catfights and teary confessionals to Tyra were sent home disappointed. Twelve girls made it to the finals, as did an alpaca named Cassandra. Who will be saddled with the shame of being sent home before she's had time to unpack?
The finalists walk down the street for no discernible reason. Sarah thinks she has a leg up on the other girls, because she has experience modeling and because she's a fashion photographer. Jael's not really focusing on the competition, interviewing that she'd like to be everyone's friend. What a sweet, yet entirely unattainable goal. Kathleen interviews that she's never modeled, and wants to use this as a learning experience. Suddenly, a motorcycle pulls up, and the rider's helmet is pulled off to reveal a hideously grinning OJ. My skin crawls about an inch. The girls scream as if they haven't spent the past two days auditioning for him, and the windows in all of the nearby buildings threaten to shatter. OJ tells them that the winner stands among them, and that girl will be a household name and role model. Snerk. Yes, many is the morning families across America meet over the breakfast table and say "Let's all get out there and be as much like Eva as possible!". OJ asks them if they're ready to "make a statement". They all scream their assent. Felicia has one of those nasty tongue studs. It turns out that they're going to get right to the first photo shoot, rather than heading for the model pad. Strange. Renee is confident, as are all the bitches who wind up taking third (or second) place.
Cut to the girls walking into an open room. OJ tells them that the world of fashion is very political, and that they'll be assigned different stances on various issues for today's photo. OK, I can see some nice potential in that. The girls will need to really sell their stance, regardless of whether or not they really agree with it. I don't think I'm giving away too much when I say that offending the girls' political sensibilities is really not much of an issue. OJ tells each of the girls which stance they'll be, which we'll get to in a bit. He then introduces today's photographer. It's Nigel, who attempts to make a dramatic entrance by...riding up in an elevator. I generally adore Nigel, though I certainly wouldn't scream the building down the way the girls do when they see him. Nigel doesn't get a single word in before the girls are hustled upstairs to get ready.
Hair and makeup montage. Ugh, Sutan the Ugly is still around, I see. Kathleen asks the guy who's working on her hair how she should portray her issue (which is anti-fur). She wonders if she should look at the fur as if it stinks. Oh, dear. Renee whips out pictures of her son. I get the feeling we're going to be hearing a lot about that kid over the course of this season. She cries yet again in an interview about how this shows she has much more determination than anyone else. Because nobody in the world has any career ambition for themselves. It has to be on behalf of someone else. Meanwhile, Jael is feeling a bit sick. She coughs, and says that she's got a nagging fever. She thinks it may affect her performance today. Of course, she's still going to give it her all, because who would be stupid enough to beg off a photo shoot for some minor inconvenience? Oh.
Brittany is up first, and her stance is "pro-fur". She looks quite regal, and very good. The scene around her suggests that she's in the front row at a fashion show, and OJ gives her some of his patented unhelpful advice before Nigel gives her the good idea to act like she's at a red carpet event. She interviews that she doesn't really have a problem with fur, but that it's odd to have an animal's head draped down the front of her body. Nigel interviews that Brittany was able to give off the very air of arrogance he was looking for. Up next is Kathleen ("anti-fur"). She's got a weird outfit on, which includes putting her hair back in a white bandana, large, white sunglasses, and a striped, vinyl jacket. The entire ensemble makes her look like one of the extras from the Electric Psychedelic Pussycat Swinger's Club in Austin Powers. Kathleen explains to us that "anti-fur" means she's supposed to act like she hates fur. Thank you, Kathleen. She doesn't mind fur in real life, though, because it "makes you look hot". Now that's the sort of in-depth, hard-hitting social commentary I was hoping for in this episode! Her photo is her standing stridently over a pile of ruined fur that she continues to attack with a paintbrush. She just stands there stymied, pursing her lips at the camera in what she supposes is a sexy pose. OJ and Nigel attempt to help her out by telling her to be more proactive in her shot, and she has no clue what that means. She does the best she can, but it couldn't be more clear how out of her depth she is. Nigel tells her to go wild in her last few frames, and she snuggles some of the fur up to her face, caressingly it lovingly. Oh, dear. I'd get more enjoyment out of her idiocy if I didn't like her, but she seems sweet, which makes this kind of painful.
Next up is Jaslene ("pro-death penalty"). Wow, she looks much better now that the hair and makeup people have worked on her. For the first time, I can see why she was allowed into the finals. She's wearing some odd kind of sexed-up executioner outfit, and carries a mace. A noose hangs in the background. Is she only supporting the kind of death penalty that would require a time machine? I guess it would be too difficult to stage a good shot of her cradling a hypodermic syringe. She wants to represent all the Latina girls out there. Sarah is next ("life in prison"), and is wearing a castoff jumpsuit from a Cinemax softcore porno movie about women in the slammer. She's handcuffed to an open cell door. She pretty much gives the same facial expression a hundred times, which Nigel isn't thrilled with.
Diana ("pro-gun") looks very Tomb-Raideresque. She shares with us that gun ownership is fine by her, as long as you're responsible about it. I'm sure she'll be praying for a gun after sharing the model pad for a few days. Nigel asks for some action shots, but OJ interviews that she didn't really commit to her photo. That's a shame. It seems like this would be one of the easier ones. Renee ("anti-gun") has a crown of flowers with ribbons attached and a hippie peasant top. She holds a gun with a flower sticking out of the end, but the expression she gives to the camera isn't so much serenity-and-peace as I-want-to-give-this-gun-a-blowjob. Jael ("pro-life") still feels crappy. OJ asks her if she supports her stance, and she says that she believes the exact opposite. The scene is her chained up in front of the door to an abortion clinic. I don't really understand the reasoning behind her Donna Reed dress. OJ tells her to think of something that she would passionately chain herself to a door for. I guess it doesn't work, because her face never shows the amount of emotion and energy OJ and Nigel are looking for. She knows she gave a poor performance, and interviews that she knows she would have done better had she felt well enough to give it more energy, but she doesn't want to make excuses. Then, from out of nowhere, she decides that she might feel better if she hula hoops for a while. Renee joins her (even as she interviews that Jael has no chance in the competition). Sarah wonders if Jael's sickness was a ploy.
Commercials. CariDee gives a wretched read for her "Life As a CoverGirl" ad. And just think, we'll get a new one every week! What a unique brand of torture.
We're back just in time to catch Natasha ("pro-choice") having her belly painted with the words "My Choice". That's literally all the thought that went into her shot. It's just her standing in front of a brick wall. Zzzzz. How would anyone get a good photo out of that, let alone the girl with all the subtlety of a hydrogen bomb? Nigel interviews that she had no concept of where the camera or lights were. Samantha and Whitney ("gay marriage") share a photo. They both look quite lovely, Samantha in a white dress and Whitney in a white, opened version of a tuxedo. Their background is a white piece of paper with a rainbow hurriedly painted onto it. Who designed the sets today? Mrs. Tucker's third grade homeroom? Samantha thinks the shot was tough, because she has a boyfriend. Whitney says that playing college basketball helps with portraying the lesbian scene. Hahahaha! Nice burn. Wait, Whitney plays basketball? No way. Felicia ("straight marriage" -- because they're understandably terrified of doing "anti-gay marriage") talks to Nigel in a fake British accent, and actually fools him, bowling him over when she tells him she's from Houston. She's wearing a wedding dress, and cozies up to a mannequin in a tuxedo, because this photo shoot is so cheapass, they couldn't afford a male model. OJ interviews that she didn't play off the mannequin as much as he wanted. Of course, he could have told Felicia this, but then she might have improved, which would take all the fun out of whining about her.
Dionne ("vegan") has a fairly nifty outfit. It's essentially a bikini made up of fruits and vegetables. Nigel interviews that she should have "taken it to the next level", which is one of those phrases that is meaningless, hence we hear it all the time on this show as a way to criticize models without actually having to come up with pertinent complaints. Cassandra ("pro meat") poses on a table stacked with burgers, salami, etc. It's actually making me quite hungry. Luckily, LabRat should be showing up soon with our pizzas (stacked high with meat, of course). Cassandra doesn't look pretty. I don't think any amount of hair and makeup would help her, like it's helped Jaslene and Natasha. However, she got the one issue stance where looking like a cavewoman could work to her advantage. And she still sucks. OJ says that most of the shots have been pretty weak, but seems to let it go as a natural occurrence of the first photo shoot. I don't know, most of the girls did pretty well at the superhero shoot, which was much more difficult than this.
OJ tells the girls that there's a surprise waiting downstairs for them. This is met with screams, of course. It turns out to be the Monster Humvee, ready and waiting to take them to the model pad. Er, that's not much of a surprise. The inside of the Monster Humvee is tricked out in traditionally tacky glory. This season it looks like a dentist's waiting room. At least it's not pink. Some Tyra Mail lets the girls know where they're headed, and includes a very ornate key. The model pad is gorgeous, as always. There's always got to be a theme, and this season it's that all the rooms are modeled after previous winners. There's Yoanna! And Eva! And Naima! And Nicole! And Danielle! I guess they didn't have time to throw together a CariDee room (which wouldn't have walls on either side, the better to allow the wind to blow right through). And that's all the winners! Yup, all of them! Adrianne? Nope, never heard of her! The girls all love the house. Are there more unnecessary and earsplitting screams? And how. Renee interviews that Jael's crazy, and keeps her fun. This is the same Jael that Renee snottily dismissed as having no chance about ten minutes ago. Jael loves Renee right back. They share a sisterly hug, and even a quick smooch. Uh huh. I sense that this camaraderie will last until the end of time. Whitney sheds tears of happiness. Get it together, ladies.
Clouds pass before the moon, and before you know it, a golden angel greets the morning sun. The girls pass the time by taking pictures of each other doing model poses. Kathleen really likes all the other girls, but says that they each have "their own unique beautifulness", and are all stiff competition. Jaslene interviews that Kathleen is the most outspoken girl in the house. As proof of this, we're shown Kathleen looking at a picture of herself on the digital camera and saying "I look so mad." Yes, that little scene was exactly as pointless as it sounds. Sunset. Was that the whole day? Make these bitches do something! Sarah tells some of the other girls that she wants to shoot pictures for Vogue by the time she's 25. She'd also love to be an actress. Renee interviews that Sarah may be insecure, and that she's full of herself, because she brags so much. I can't really disagree, except it's not like Renee is going to be taking home the Miss Humble crown anytime soon. Renee jumps on Sarah for being unfocused, saying that there are tons of other girls who would love to be in Sarah's spot "for modeling". Yeah, fallback careers are pointless. Just be a model forever! Sarah takes Renee to task for presuming to know why she's here, though she says it to the confessional rather than to Renee. Wimp!
Commercials. I never thought I'd miss actual commercials, but this pseudo-news show is grating on my last nerve.
The girls get some Tyra Mail, and this is met with even more completely pointless shrieking. Give it a rest! The Tyra Mail reads "One woman's trash is another woman's treasure". Kathleen interviews that she knows from this that she'll be having to deal with crap. "Not 'crap' literally, but, like, something that someone threw away." Thank you for reassuring me, Kathleen. I was worried the girls would have to wear a feces bikini. Ew, I just grossed myself out. I guess I should be happy she knows how to use the word "literally" correctly. That's one person down; 250 million to go. It's daytime again. Either the girls have an inordinate amount of free time, or this is being shown all out of sequence. The Monster Humvee drops them at Goodwill, where they're met by Miss J and that intensely annoying man Phillip Bloch, who looks like the reanimated corpse of Vincent Price, and who I'm always seeing pop up on VH1 pop culture shows. He describes the community service that Goodwill provides, and outlines today's challenge. The girls have a scant three minutes to raid the racks and come up with an outfit. Cassandra is nervous. Ready? And...go!
Model stampede. Jael is all about thrift stores, saying she loves clothes that "tell a story". Renee is the exact opposite, saying that there aren't many thrift stores on Maui. Kathleen says that it was no problem; she can rock a thrift shop. Time runs out, and the girls gather in their chosen outfits. Miss J says that there's more to the challenge. The girls will walk a runway right now for a charity fashion show. More screaming. Phillip says that the outfits will be bid on, and the girl who chose the outfit with the highest bid wins the challenge. The prize is that the total amount of money bid will be pooled and donated to Goodwill in the winner's name. That's a nice idea. The girls line up. The audience is about thirty people. The show begins. Damn, Phillip is narrating it. Let's ignore that. Natasha is up first. She didn't do half bad for three minutes. She's wearing a pair of jeans and a striped tank top. She's carrying a white purse, and wearing white high heels. Boring, but presentable. Three-quarters of Kathleen looks fine. She's got a dark gray print top and tight maroon pants. That's all good. Her shoes are a bright salmon color, and clash horribly with her pants. Ick. Renee did a good job, damn it. She looks very clean and casual in a purple tank top with a flowing, blue and cranberry skirt, purple purse, and bright pink shoes.
Dionne looks good. She's got an off-white shirt with dark copper pants. Brittany looks boring. She's wearing a dark vest, black pants, and black shoes. Miss J agrees with me that she needs to do better. Felicia mixes it up with a tan coat with fleece at the collar, cuffs, and inside edge (and nothing underneath it). Good idea. Unfortunately, she matches it with white shorts and purple shoes. Jaslene looks awful. She's got this mass of blue fabric down to her thigh where a bit of white fabric pokes out, and has a white belt. She's thisclose to being Violet Beauregarde right before she turned into a blueberry. Except Violet was way cooler than Jaslene. Diana looks pretty frumpy in a black cardigan that looks like it's been crocheted, and a long pink skirt. Sarah looks like Flasher Barbie in a simple, yet ugly hot pink trenchcoat. Whitney has flared blue jeans, and a gray top open to reveal a red shirt beneath. I don't like it, but at least she matches, which is more than I can say for some of these other girls. Samantha just tossed on a little leopard print dress. Zzzz. A girl in the audience who looks a bit like Penelope Cruz gives Samantha the stink-eye. Jael has on a simple, navy blue tank top and matching skirt, with a bright yellow belt. Her hot pink purse and shoes don't go with the outfit at all. Cassandra looks like Madeline grew up and decided to become a streetwalker.
The girls do a final walk, then gather inside to hear the results. They raised a whopping $286.50 to donate today. Please note the sarcasm of the previous sentence. This is a show that thinks nothing of flying several girls and a camera crew halfway across the world and putting them up in a nice hotel every season. And they're not even giving three hundred bucks to charity? Lame. Phillip hands the marker to sign this ridiculously paltry check over to the winner, who is... Jael. Whatever, charity fashion show audience. Jael's outfit wasn't even in the top three. Renee is bitter in an interview, whining that the only reason that Jael won is that she's a thrift shopper. Yes, and? "It's not even like it's a modeling thing," Renee sniffs. "It's not fair at all." Sure, there are about fourteen ways in which that little snit is pure bullshit, but I don't really feel like going into it. You're smart (unless you're Renee). You can figure it out. Speaking of which, Jael worries that winning the challenge will make the other girls not like her, and Renee has ANOTHER interview (I understand she's this season's bitch, guys, but there are twelve other girls we can talk to) in which she says that Jael trying to be nice won't work, because acting nice isn't "real". Well, it certainly isn't for you, snatch.
Evening. Renee presses her point by actually taking Jael aside and telling her she's annoyed, because Jael acts like everything is okay all the time. She actually feels that Jael being nice and polite to people who may occasionally get on her nerves is "fake", and therefore wrong. Jael responds that she's not trying to force happiness on others, but tells Renee not to impress her own personal feelings onto her (Jael). Awesome. She follows up by telling Renee that she's away from her husband and child, while Jael herself has a completely different situation. Renee looks shocked that different people approach situations in ways that she doesn't. Maybe next week we can get a scientist in to demonstrate how the Earth doesn't physically revolve around her. Every little bit helps.
Tyra Mail. Upcoming elimination. Everyone's nervous. Kathleen tells Jaslene that she thinks she did well at the Goodwill challenge, but doesn't know how things are going to go at panel. She may have an inkling, as she says that the first girl eliminated doesn't really have a chance to do her best. Jaslene just stands there with the most ridiculously ugly hair bow I've ever seen. Kathleen says "like" forty gazillion times. Jaslene tells her to keep her hunger for victory. Kathleen interviews that the judges will be...judging them. Thanks again, Kathleen. You're a font of knowledge tonight. She cries and hugs Jaslene. Sarah is more confident. Meanwhile, Renee and Diana aren't even bothering to talk about the upcoming panel, but just whisper about how annoying the other girls are. I guess everyone can't be the ray of sunshine that Renee is.
Commercials. I miss the days that one-hit wonders were just that, and weren't thrust into our faces in movies and television. Yes, that song about wishing that my girlfriend was hot like you is very catchy, and was pretty entertaining for two weeks. Why you think this would translate into interest about who you're going to hire to be in the group that will have all the career longevity of Vanilla Ice is beyond me.
We enter the Chamber of Doom on a picture of Tyra, painted half red and half blue, sitting in front of a dimmed American flag. It's actually quite a cool shot. Less cool is the hippie biker look Tyra's trying to pull off at panel. The girls enter, and Tyra calls them "Miss Ladies". Please never do that again. Tyra recaps the prizes, which are the same as always (a contract with Elite, a cover and spread in Seventeen, and a $100,000 contract with CoverGirl). The usual judges are back as well. I was hoping they'd realize that Miss J can be a fun novelty once in a while, but stinks on ice as a judge. No such luck. At least the far more articulate Nigel and Twiggy are still present. Tyra tells the girls that while they may not have supported the cause portrayed in their picture, it still has to be fierce.
Up first is Jael. Tyra reminds us all that she won the Goodwill challenge, and asks how that feels. Jael says that she was nervous that it would change things between her and the other girls. Dude, it's not like you even won anything. You just wrote your name on a piece of cardboard. Tyra gets that snide look as she asks Jael if she's going to "dull her shine" to be liked. Jael shrugs that she guesses so, but agrees with Nigel that she's learning to be the best she can. The judges find her pro-life shot generically pretty, but her face has no passion in it. Renee openly smirks in the background. Jael brings up her fever, but more as a reason than an excuse. Tyra's never been good at recognizing the difference between those, and tonight is no exception. Next is Natasha. Her pro-choice shot is the boringest bore that ever bored a bore, but loath as I am to admit it, it's not her fault. The judges give her some crap about her expressionless face. Yeah, Natasha. Next time try to convey the depths of emotion one gets from...standing in front of a brick wall. Dionne. Her vegan shot is quite pretty. Tyra calls it good, but not great. She wants Dionne to show more neck and pose so that her jaw doesn't look so big. Fairly minor complaints, all told. Cassandra. Her pro-meat shot sucks out loud. Her nose takes up, like, half of her face.
Renee. Tyra tells her she looks scared in the anti-gun photo, as well as at panel. Not smirking now, are we, Renee? So OF COURSE Renee brings up her son and chokes up with tears, like he has the slightest thing to do with her photo. She says she knows she can do better. You don't need to defend yourself, Renee. The judges will keep you around for a while to make us all mad, then unceremoniously dump your ass. You'll cry, and we'll all feel a lot better about ourselves and the world. Diana. Her pro-gun shot is really disappointing. The judges call her on her dead eyes, but Nigel softens the blow by saying that she did well at giving him an action shot. Kathleen. Tyra asks her how she feels about fur. Kathleen says that if an animal's alive, you shouldn't kill it to make a fur coat. But hey, if an animal just keels over dead then it's okay. Oh, dear. Tyra asks her how the animal would be dead. "You know, cause animals fight each other in the jungle and the woods." Oh, dear. Twiggy gently explains that the animals used for fur coats aren't exactly the ones who have been clawed to death or run over by beer trucks. Kathleen's anti-fur photo is boring, and Nigel pegs her poor performance on her not really understanding the concept of the shot. She cops to it, and Tyra tells her that if she doesn't get something, then she needs to ask. Really, anyone who doesn't get the anti-fur concept shouldn't be running around loose on the streets. Brittany's pro-fur shot is much more successful. I'll call this the best of the bunch this week. She looks quite haughty and like a genuine patrician in her furs.
Whitney and Samantha. They're asked how they feel about gay marriage. Whitney tries to sound accepting as says she's been "exposed" to gay marriage, but ultimately it comes off like she's talking about a virus. Samantha says that any two people in love should be allowed to get married. Their photo isn't bad, but Nigel tells them they didn't turn their bodies toward the camera as he asked them to do. Whitney's letting her bulky suit swallow her, which allows Samantha's beautiful neck to steal the entire photo. That was an odd criticism. Felicia. Tyra jokingly asks how she feels about the "issue" of straight marriage. Felicia is all about men. Her photo is very good, and the judges like it a lot. Jaslene, who really needs to learn how to dress herself. She actually doesn't look half bad in her death penalty shot. She's looking at the camera in a very strong way, as if she's challenging us to take that mace off of her. The judges like the shot, though Tyra brings up Jaslene losing her fiery personality from out of the blue. Whatever, Tyra. Finally, Sarah. Her life-in-prison shot is bland. Nigel says that she didn't do anything with her face. It's true. Tyra tells her she would have done better to either look sad and resigned or crazier than a shithouse rat. The girls are dismissed.
Commercials. Here are swimsuits that will look good on any body! As long as that body is thin!
Deliberations. Renee has no photographic savvy. Miss J thinks she may crack under pressure. Please, she doesn't even need pressure. She's always two seconds away from cracking. Jaslene is fierce. Felicia has good bone structure. Samantha's got a pretty face, but Tyra's not sure about her personality. Because Nicole was such a witty conversationalist and all-around fun girl. Whitney gets the opposite treatment. Great personality, but disappears in the photo. Miss J loves Brittany. Kathleen is an outright moron. Cassandra doesn't have the "model looks" that Nigel is looking for (read: she's fugly). All the judges can find to say about Dionne involves her weave. Sarah didn't live up to the high expectations the judges had for her. Twiggy finds her midsection strange. Heh, that's a new one. Diana is too deadpan. Natasha is relying too heavily on being pretty. Are we talking about the same Natasha? Tyra spills the fact about Jael being biracial like it's a dirty little secret. Tyra also found it strange that Jael was ambivalent about winning the challenge. That's cause Tyra has raw, naked ambition, and doesn't possess the capability to understand people who are perfectly happy to enjoy their ruts. Not that I'm projecting.
Elimination. Tyra is disappointed in the majority of the shots, saying it's up to the models to be inspiring and entertaining. Well, give them better sets and costumes next time. Jaslene is the first to receive her photo. Brittany. I always giggle now when Tyra tells them that they're "still in the running towards becoming America's Next Top Model", because the horrific grammar of that sentence sets Veruca's teeth on edge, and I always hear her rant against it in my head. Personally, I hate "the next name that I'm going to call" much more. Felicia is safe. Diana. Samantha. Cassandra. Renee. She cries, of course. Sarah. Dionne. Whitney. Natasha. Will Kathleen and Jael please step forward? Blah blah loser goes home. Kathleen has a bright spirit, but is dumb. Jael has a great personality, but is "afraid to succeed". But she won the challenge, so she gets her photo. She turns and hugs Kathleen. Renee makes a snotty, dismissive face, which I'm really going to have to come up with a shortcut for, since it happens every forty seconds. Kathleen thanks Tyra and hugs her. She bids the other girls farewell. In her final interview, she says that she's sad, because she feels she didn't really get a proper chance to compete. Her lack of bitterness is refreshing. She's glad that Tyra saw potential in her, and promises to go home and work hard. Aw, I like her. She just needs to hit the books, hardcore. Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Back to high school! Marching bands are involved. Jaslene sucks at something and cries.
Overall Grade: B-
Thursday, March 01, 2007
The Girl Who Won't Stop Talking - Part 1
America's Next Top Model - Season 8 Casting Special
Previously on America's Next Top Model: CariDee. Bleh. This show and I have had a tumultuous history, and I believe the only season I've been able to commit to the entire way through was the first one. That doesn't bode well, but I'll just have to see how it goes. The first hour of the two-hour premiere is generally the part where the semi-finalists are whittled down into the final thirteen, who get to move into the model pad and actually compete. This season is no exception. The first hour is also generally annoying, boring, and pointless, since the names of the final thirteen are publically available way before the episode airs. This season is no exception. Therefore, you'll forgive me if I coast through the more mind-numbing parts.
We open, as we are wont to do, with a gazillion pictures of Tyra. She voices-over that she's been a model for more than half her life. Well, no wonder she's so qualified to have a talk show and discuss deep and controversial issues. She says it's been her dream to pass on the torch of modeling to girls across America. Because Nicole's doing so well these days. Who? Exactly. She does give us some interesting factoids, namely that the show is broadcast in over 110 countries, and that Heidi Klum hosts the German version. That Heidi sure keeps herself busy! We're told the competition back home is getting stiffer than ever, but judging from the stupid audition videos shown here, it doesn't seem all that bad. 33 girls have made it to the semi-finals, and have been flown to Los Angeles. Who will make it to the final thirteen?!?!?! Hmm, could it be these girls? A few of the semi-finalists shake hands at the airport. I fail to be bowled over by their beauty. Natasha is from Texas, but was born in Russia. She's not pretty. Jaslene tried out last season. She's not pretty.
The girls are packed into a van, but instead of being thrown down a well and being told to put lotion on their skin, they're driven to a military post of sorts. I feel sorry for the poor guys who signed up to serve their country, and instead are serving as a backdrop for a silly reality show. The Jays approach in a jeep, and we get our first of the traditional obnoxious squeals from the girls. Can't say I missed those. Natasha says that "all of a sudden -- oh, my God -- I see Jays coming, and I'm screaming". I admit that that would be my reaction too, though we'd probably be screaming for different reasons. A girl named Jessica admires Miss Jay's tight, lithe body. That's sweet of you, Jessica, but I doubt he's interested. OJ is as annoying as ever as he "welcomes" the girls to "model boot camp". Well, it's a better theme than twirling twins, anyway. The Jays yell at the girls about not knowing about designers or whatever, then give them two minutes to change into their boot camp outfits.
Model stampede. I always enjoy those. We meet Renee, who in an impressive move, gets herself on the shitlist immediately by interviewing that she's got this competition in the bag, because her first impression of the other girls is that they don't have the character and determination that she has. Odd that she's able to assess the character and determination of people she hasn't spoken to, but let's not delve too deeply into her psyche. We may never find our way back out. The girls jog out in their outfits (camo pants and white tank tops), and OJ tells them that they'll be kicking things off with a posing competition, and that their knowledge will be tested. Miss Jay tells the girls to strike a "fashion mad [i.e., angry]" pose. The girls limply attempt "anger" and land closer to "mild consternation". OJ makes a fugly girl named Jael do some pushups. To her credit, she does them cheerfully, and melodramatically interviews that they're just modeling; not curing cancer. Okay, she may be fugly, but she seems cool. OJ asks the girls for a concave-back-Richard-Avedon-couture pose. The girls are all "Um...I understand the word pose, anyway!". OJ asks if any of them know who Richard Avedon is. A girl named Sarah effortlessly rattles off the fact that he is [or more accurately -- was] an influential photographer. OJ is impressed, has Sarah step forward, and pins a little medal on her tank top. A whiny girl named Bethany lives up to that description by whining that Sarah only won the challenge because she knew the answer to OJ's question. She says it's "bull" that Sarah won, which is kind of like saying that the only reason the other baseball team managed to beat you is because they scored more runs. Man, what bullshit!
Later. The girls are told to strike a "model pose" for a Polaroid shot, and have their measurements taken. This is one of those boring segments I'm glossing over. There are two plus-size models present, Whitney and Diana, both of whom are cute (though I'm giving the edge to Whitney). Marching. Chanting. That dispensed with, Tyra suddenly dances in with a college step squad. What does a step squad have to do with boot camp? Um... I'll get back to you on that. The girls dutifully squeal. Tyra talks to hear herself talk for a while, then dances off. This actually brings tears to fucking Renee's eyes. I wonder if there will be a scene with Renee that doesn't make me want to break a loaf of French bread on her forehead.
Commercials. LabRat loves this commercial with the lady beating the crap out of that guy in the supermarket line because she thinks he's staring at her ass.
And we're back. We're treated to a subtitle that reads "Los Angeles, CA", in case we thought the competition magically moved to another city over the commercial break. Yuck, it's time for the panel interviews, which always suck. Now, I would never normally pass instant judgment on someone's looks, but I'm going to here, for two reasons. First of all, it's a modeling competition. Beauty should enter into it, yes? Secondly, I need to mention how pretty some of these girls are to underscore my confusion at some of the Pound Puppies they let into the finals. Let's zoom through them! The girls enter a hotel. Farrah is quite pretty. The first panel interview is Kathleen, who runs into the room screaming. Good God, I hate that. She's got a big, fake, poofy, red afro. Kathleen is very plain, which sounds like an insult, but compared to some of these other chicks, "plain" is nothing to sniff at. She does have nice boobs. Nothing she says is worth revisiting. Next is Sarah (the one who "unfairly" won the posing challenge at boot camp). She's blond, waifish, and fairly cute, though her outfit is ugly. She's already a fashion photographer. It seems like she's got a good head on her shoulders, which is always refreshing on this show.
OK, I take back what I just said about Sarah's outfit being ugly, because this outfit takes the cake. Even Jeffrey would be ashamed to send this trash down the runway. The girl wearing it is Cassandra, who needs to be a model like I need to be starting defensive tackle for the Rams. Her nose is enormous and she's got a wig sewn onto her head, and to make a long story short (too late!), she's a mess from top to bottom. Heather is a very cute blonde, whose father was a boot camp instructor. She demonstrates the patter by impressively yelling at the Jays. Well done, Heather. She interviews that she can take criticism and react to it in a positive way. I like her. Brittany's interview is boring, but she's attractive. She sort of looks like Elyse in a roundabout kind of way. Natasha the Russian enters. I tried to give it some time to adjust to her, but no. The Venn diagram circles of "Natasha" and "pretty" simply do not intersect at any point. She came over to America when she got married. At age eighteen. To a forty-year-old. But it's true love!
Interstitial hotel segment. Kathleen accidentally flashes her boobs to the other girls. Sarah brags about doing a fashion show while wearing large heels. Natasha argues over the brand the heels were, as if a) she were present and b) it matters in the least. Shut up, Natasha. Proving that it's not only American reality show contestants who have an appalling lack of self-awareness, she refers to some of the other girls (presumably meaning Sarah) as "masculine". Dude, Natasha's dick fell off about ten minutes ago.
Commercials. I like this series of misunderstanding-through-dropped-call ads, but it's one of those problems that's so overblown in the advertising world. Nobody I know really has an issue with dropped calls, regardless of what plan they have.
Natasha admits her child bride status to the other girls, and then it's back to the panel interviews. Micheline has jet black hair and a bunch of tattoos. Her dream is to show that someone who looks like her can be a successful model. I don't see it happening. Not on this show, anyway. She seems like a nice girl and everything, but her tattoos are essentially the only thing keeping her from being entirely forgettable. Samantha is pretty. She's vaguely Natalie Portman-ish. Melissa is not in the least bit pretty, and is your basic Bronx hoochie stereotype. Dionne is much better looking, though she babbles on endlessly. Montage of girls we know have no chance. Natalie loved Audrey Hepburn in Dinner at Tiffany's. She quickly "corrects" herself to say she means Lunch at Tiffany's. Oy. Dionne talks some more. Ladies and gentlemen, our titular girl. Well done, Dionne. Turns out she's studying dentistry, so good for her. We hear again about Jaslene's unsuccessful audition last season. There was good reason she didn't make it in last time. She's not pretty. And like the other unattractive girls, her odd features aren't fashionable (like Grace was); she's just plain unattractive.
Jessica is completely normal-looking and normal-acting, so this is naturally the last time we'll see her until she gets eliminated. Renee has a seven-month-old baby, and Tyra points out how wonderful Renee's stomach looks for giving birth such a short time ago. It's true, so enjoy your one and only compliment this evening, Renee: well done on losing the baby weight. She cries again in interview, talking about how much better a life she's going to carve out for her child by abandoning him for a while to be on this show. Let's not even attempt to dissect that rationale. She "takes no prisoners", but claims she's not a complete bitch. I'm willing to take her word for it. I'm sure she's only 97% bitch.
Interstitial hotel segment. Natasha chides the other girls for burping. Natasha is fast approaching Renee in the Desperately Needs to Shut Up race, and may even pass her soon. The two of them hate each other, of course, because assholes often have to compete for attention.
Commercials. Almost the entire break is taken up by some odd, pseudo-news segment about spring vacation. Weird.
Whitney comes in for her panel interview, and almost pops out of her top a few times. She says that Dartmouth was an all-white school when she entered as a freshman, which I have an extremely hard time believing, but don't care enough to research. She makes an impressively assertive stand for plus-size models, and I think she's quite pretty. Jael is next. She's still fugly, and on a personal note, I can't stand nose rings. Plus, her outfit is hideous. Those complaints aside, I enjoy her personality. She's very laid-back, and she has a healthy attitude about being biracial. Next up is Diana, the other plus-size model. She thinks it would make a good statement to have a plus-size girl win. I agree. Let's give the crown to Whitney right now! Oops, that's probably not what Diana meant. She hopes that being a bit bigger means that the other girls won't even view her as serious competition until it's too late for them. Heh, she seems pretty cool. Next is Felicia, who's fairly boring. She's not super-pretty or super-ugly or super-nice or super-bitchy or super-anything.
Interstitial hotel segment. Whiny Bethany wonders who the plus-size models are. Sarah says that it's someone who's size 12-14. Kathleen interviews that Diana and Whitney could be serious competition, and most of the girls don't realize it. Well, there goes Diana's strategy. The girls fret over the first elimination. And here it is! The girls will be whittled from 33 to 20, via the usual method of finding their pictures. These pictures will be in a gift bag, inviting the chosen 20 to a fashion party, which they'll need to get dressed for right away. Micheline says that she quit her job to come audition, so she's taking a real risk. Will that risk pay off? Here's a hint: No. OJ says that they'll have their pictures taken at the party. The girls shriek in anticipation. Ready?
Model stampede! Whiny Bethany. Lauren (who?). Kathleen. Gelecia. Is that some sort of nutritional supplement? Sarah. Dionne. Heather. Chelsea (who?). Samantha. Felicia. Brittany. Natasha. Cassandra. Hannah (who?). Melissa. Jaslene. Renee. Diana. Whitney. Jael. That's twenty, so it looks like Micheline will need to start job hunting tomorrow. She wants to go punch Jael for some reason. Jessica pretends that she's above the whole thing. Yeah, she didn't want to win anyway. Whiny Bethany says she feels bad for the girls who didn't make it, but that this is a competition, and if the girls couldn't cut it, she's glad to see them go. Healthy attitude, Whiny Bethany. Keep that in mind for when seven more girls are cut later.
"Fashion" "party". The girls get their pictures taken with G-list celebrities. Whitney realizes how important this photo may be in the next elimination. Natasha dances hoochily. Kathleen disapproves. Wow, that's quite a role reversal from twenty minutes ago, when Natasha was all steamed up about Kathleen wanting to burp. Diana wonders if Tyra will let two plus-size models into the competition. The girls have fun, but they're all on edge about who will make it to the finals.
Commercials. Is it because of Lent that I'm seeing all these annoying fast food fish sandwich commercials lately? I don't care what God you worship -- nobody needs to be eating the fish from McDonald's.
Boring deliberations. OJ thinks Whitney will "serve it up" over Diana. Whiny Bethany poses like a hooker. Kathleen's party picture is awesome. Samantha has a nice, devilish look about her, much like a young Janice Dickinson. The Jays love Sarah. Jaslene looks ridiculous (in my opinion, not theirs). Tyra's wig looks even more fake than usual (ditto).
Elimination. This takes place out on the lawn for some reason. Tyra tells the girls that this part never gets easier. Well, judging by this kennel club, it should be. Legitimately attractive girls like Farrah have already been eliminated so clockstoppers like Melissa could advance. Time to announce the finalists. First is Natasha. Ugh. Kathleen. Sarah. She's the first to be pleased without feeling the need to shriek like a damn banshee, so a point to her for that. Cassandra. Whaaa? Renee. Well, she sucks, but at least she's pretty. Samantha. Yay! Dionne. Yay! Whitney. Yay! Brittany. Yay! Felicia. Jael. Jaslene. Pass the crack, Tyra. One name left. And that name is...Diana. Whew. So that means girls like Heather and Lauren, who are just adorable, are now cut to make room for Cassandra, who looks like she stuck her face in a blender. Oh, well. At least Melissa got axed. Unfortunately, we don't get to hear what Whiny Bethany thinks about the girls who got cut, now that she's one of them. The finalists dance happily. They're charged up. The Back to the Future photo fades into existence girl by girl. Even professional hair and makeup can't salvage Cassandra's picture.
In the next hour of America's Next Top Model: The first photo shoot. Moving into the model pad. Renee sets about making enemies, as you knew she would. Someone gets eliminated.
Overall Grade: B
Previously on America's Next Top Model: CariDee. Bleh. This show and I have had a tumultuous history, and I believe the only season I've been able to commit to the entire way through was the first one. That doesn't bode well, but I'll just have to see how it goes. The first hour of the two-hour premiere is generally the part where the semi-finalists are whittled down into the final thirteen, who get to move into the model pad and actually compete. This season is no exception. The first hour is also generally annoying, boring, and pointless, since the names of the final thirteen are publically available way before the episode airs. This season is no exception. Therefore, you'll forgive me if I coast through the more mind-numbing parts.
We open, as we are wont to do, with a gazillion pictures of Tyra. She voices-over that she's been a model for more than half her life. Well, no wonder she's so qualified to have a talk show and discuss deep and controversial issues. She says it's been her dream to pass on the torch of modeling to girls across America. Because Nicole's doing so well these days. Who? Exactly. She does give us some interesting factoids, namely that the show is broadcast in over 110 countries, and that Heidi Klum hosts the German version. That Heidi sure keeps herself busy! We're told the competition back home is getting stiffer than ever, but judging from the stupid audition videos shown here, it doesn't seem all that bad. 33 girls have made it to the semi-finals, and have been flown to Los Angeles. Who will make it to the final thirteen?!?!?! Hmm, could it be these girls? A few of the semi-finalists shake hands at the airport. I fail to be bowled over by their beauty. Natasha is from Texas, but was born in Russia. She's not pretty. Jaslene tried out last season. She's not pretty.
The girls are packed into a van, but instead of being thrown down a well and being told to put lotion on their skin, they're driven to a military post of sorts. I feel sorry for the poor guys who signed up to serve their country, and instead are serving as a backdrop for a silly reality show. The Jays approach in a jeep, and we get our first of the traditional obnoxious squeals from the girls. Can't say I missed those. Natasha says that "all of a sudden -- oh, my God -- I see Jays coming, and I'm screaming". I admit that that would be my reaction too, though we'd probably be screaming for different reasons. A girl named Jessica admires Miss Jay's tight, lithe body. That's sweet of you, Jessica, but I doubt he's interested. OJ is as annoying as ever as he "welcomes" the girls to "model boot camp". Well, it's a better theme than twirling twins, anyway. The Jays yell at the girls about not knowing about designers or whatever, then give them two minutes to change into their boot camp outfits.
Model stampede. I always enjoy those. We meet Renee, who in an impressive move, gets herself on the shitlist immediately by interviewing that she's got this competition in the bag, because her first impression of the other girls is that they don't have the character and determination that she has. Odd that she's able to assess the character and determination of people she hasn't spoken to, but let's not delve too deeply into her psyche. We may never find our way back out. The girls jog out in their outfits (camo pants and white tank tops), and OJ tells them that they'll be kicking things off with a posing competition, and that their knowledge will be tested. Miss Jay tells the girls to strike a "fashion mad [i.e., angry]" pose. The girls limply attempt "anger" and land closer to "mild consternation". OJ makes a fugly girl named Jael do some pushups. To her credit, she does them cheerfully, and melodramatically interviews that they're just modeling; not curing cancer. Okay, she may be fugly, but she seems cool. OJ asks the girls for a concave-back-Richard-Avedon-couture pose. The girls are all "Um...I understand the word pose, anyway!". OJ asks if any of them know who Richard Avedon is. A girl named Sarah effortlessly rattles off the fact that he is [or more accurately -- was] an influential photographer. OJ is impressed, has Sarah step forward, and pins a little medal on her tank top. A whiny girl named Bethany lives up to that description by whining that Sarah only won the challenge because she knew the answer to OJ's question. She says it's "bull" that Sarah won, which is kind of like saying that the only reason the other baseball team managed to beat you is because they scored more runs. Man, what bullshit!
Later. The girls are told to strike a "model pose" for a Polaroid shot, and have their measurements taken. This is one of those boring segments I'm glossing over. There are two plus-size models present, Whitney and Diana, both of whom are cute (though I'm giving the edge to Whitney). Marching. Chanting. That dispensed with, Tyra suddenly dances in with a college step squad. What does a step squad have to do with boot camp? Um... I'll get back to you on that. The girls dutifully squeal. Tyra talks to hear herself talk for a while, then dances off. This actually brings tears to fucking Renee's eyes. I wonder if there will be a scene with Renee that doesn't make me want to break a loaf of French bread on her forehead.
Commercials. LabRat loves this commercial with the lady beating the crap out of that guy in the supermarket line because she thinks he's staring at her ass.
And we're back. We're treated to a subtitle that reads "Los Angeles, CA", in case we thought the competition magically moved to another city over the commercial break. Yuck, it's time for the panel interviews, which always suck. Now, I would never normally pass instant judgment on someone's looks, but I'm going to here, for two reasons. First of all, it's a modeling competition. Beauty should enter into it, yes? Secondly, I need to mention how pretty some of these girls are to underscore my confusion at some of the Pound Puppies they let into the finals. Let's zoom through them! The girls enter a hotel. Farrah is quite pretty. The first panel interview is Kathleen, who runs into the room screaming. Good God, I hate that. She's got a big, fake, poofy, red afro. Kathleen is very plain, which sounds like an insult, but compared to some of these other chicks, "plain" is nothing to sniff at. She does have nice boobs. Nothing she says is worth revisiting. Next is Sarah (the one who "unfairly" won the posing challenge at boot camp). She's blond, waifish, and fairly cute, though her outfit is ugly. She's already a fashion photographer. It seems like she's got a good head on her shoulders, which is always refreshing on this show.
OK, I take back what I just said about Sarah's outfit being ugly, because this outfit takes the cake. Even Jeffrey would be ashamed to send this trash down the runway. The girl wearing it is Cassandra, who needs to be a model like I need to be starting defensive tackle for the Rams. Her nose is enormous and she's got a wig sewn onto her head, and to make a long story short (too late!), she's a mess from top to bottom. Heather is a very cute blonde, whose father was a boot camp instructor. She demonstrates the patter by impressively yelling at the Jays. Well done, Heather. She interviews that she can take criticism and react to it in a positive way. I like her. Brittany's interview is boring, but she's attractive. She sort of looks like Elyse in a roundabout kind of way. Natasha the Russian enters. I tried to give it some time to adjust to her, but no. The Venn diagram circles of "Natasha" and "pretty" simply do not intersect at any point. She came over to America when she got married. At age eighteen. To a forty-year-old. But it's true love!
Interstitial hotel segment. Kathleen accidentally flashes her boobs to the other girls. Sarah brags about doing a fashion show while wearing large heels. Natasha argues over the brand the heels were, as if a) she were present and b) it matters in the least. Shut up, Natasha. Proving that it's not only American reality show contestants who have an appalling lack of self-awareness, she refers to some of the other girls (presumably meaning Sarah) as "masculine". Dude, Natasha's dick fell off about ten minutes ago.
Commercials. I like this series of misunderstanding-through-dropped-call ads, but it's one of those problems that's so overblown in the advertising world. Nobody I know really has an issue with dropped calls, regardless of what plan they have.
Natasha admits her child bride status to the other girls, and then it's back to the panel interviews. Micheline has jet black hair and a bunch of tattoos. Her dream is to show that someone who looks like her can be a successful model. I don't see it happening. Not on this show, anyway. She seems like a nice girl and everything, but her tattoos are essentially the only thing keeping her from being entirely forgettable. Samantha is pretty. She's vaguely Natalie Portman-ish. Melissa is not in the least bit pretty, and is your basic Bronx hoochie stereotype. Dionne is much better looking, though she babbles on endlessly. Montage of girls we know have no chance. Natalie loved Audrey Hepburn in Dinner at Tiffany's. She quickly "corrects" herself to say she means Lunch at Tiffany's. Oy. Dionne talks some more. Ladies and gentlemen, our titular girl. Well done, Dionne. Turns out she's studying dentistry, so good for her. We hear again about Jaslene's unsuccessful audition last season. There was good reason she didn't make it in last time. She's not pretty. And like the other unattractive girls, her odd features aren't fashionable (like Grace was); she's just plain unattractive.
Jessica is completely normal-looking and normal-acting, so this is naturally the last time we'll see her until she gets eliminated. Renee has a seven-month-old baby, and Tyra points out how wonderful Renee's stomach looks for giving birth such a short time ago. It's true, so enjoy your one and only compliment this evening, Renee: well done on losing the baby weight. She cries again in interview, talking about how much better a life she's going to carve out for her child by abandoning him for a while to be on this show. Let's not even attempt to dissect that rationale. She "takes no prisoners", but claims she's not a complete bitch. I'm willing to take her word for it. I'm sure she's only 97% bitch.
Interstitial hotel segment. Natasha chides the other girls for burping. Natasha is fast approaching Renee in the Desperately Needs to Shut Up race, and may even pass her soon. The two of them hate each other, of course, because assholes often have to compete for attention.
Commercials. Almost the entire break is taken up by some odd, pseudo-news segment about spring vacation. Weird.
Whitney comes in for her panel interview, and almost pops out of her top a few times. She says that Dartmouth was an all-white school when she entered as a freshman, which I have an extremely hard time believing, but don't care enough to research. She makes an impressively assertive stand for plus-size models, and I think she's quite pretty. Jael is next. She's still fugly, and on a personal note, I can't stand nose rings. Plus, her outfit is hideous. Those complaints aside, I enjoy her personality. She's very laid-back, and she has a healthy attitude about being biracial. Next up is Diana, the other plus-size model. She thinks it would make a good statement to have a plus-size girl win. I agree. Let's give the crown to Whitney right now! Oops, that's probably not what Diana meant. She hopes that being a bit bigger means that the other girls won't even view her as serious competition until it's too late for them. Heh, she seems pretty cool. Next is Felicia, who's fairly boring. She's not super-pretty or super-ugly or super-nice or super-bitchy or super-anything.
Interstitial hotel segment. Whiny Bethany wonders who the plus-size models are. Sarah says that it's someone who's size 12-14. Kathleen interviews that Diana and Whitney could be serious competition, and most of the girls don't realize it. Well, there goes Diana's strategy. The girls fret over the first elimination. And here it is! The girls will be whittled from 33 to 20, via the usual method of finding their pictures. These pictures will be in a gift bag, inviting the chosen 20 to a fashion party, which they'll need to get dressed for right away. Micheline says that she quit her job to come audition, so she's taking a real risk. Will that risk pay off? Here's a hint: No. OJ says that they'll have their pictures taken at the party. The girls shriek in anticipation. Ready?
Model stampede! Whiny Bethany. Lauren (who?). Kathleen. Gelecia. Is that some sort of nutritional supplement? Sarah. Dionne. Heather. Chelsea (who?). Samantha. Felicia. Brittany. Natasha. Cassandra. Hannah (who?). Melissa. Jaslene. Renee. Diana. Whitney. Jael. That's twenty, so it looks like Micheline will need to start job hunting tomorrow. She wants to go punch Jael for some reason. Jessica pretends that she's above the whole thing. Yeah, she didn't want to win anyway. Whiny Bethany says she feels bad for the girls who didn't make it, but that this is a competition, and if the girls couldn't cut it, she's glad to see them go. Healthy attitude, Whiny Bethany. Keep that in mind for when seven more girls are cut later.
"Fashion" "party". The girls get their pictures taken with G-list celebrities. Whitney realizes how important this photo may be in the next elimination. Natasha dances hoochily. Kathleen disapproves. Wow, that's quite a role reversal from twenty minutes ago, when Natasha was all steamed up about Kathleen wanting to burp. Diana wonders if Tyra will let two plus-size models into the competition. The girls have fun, but they're all on edge about who will make it to the finals.
Commercials. Is it because of Lent that I'm seeing all these annoying fast food fish sandwich commercials lately? I don't care what God you worship -- nobody needs to be eating the fish from McDonald's.
Boring deliberations. OJ thinks Whitney will "serve it up" over Diana. Whiny Bethany poses like a hooker. Kathleen's party picture is awesome. Samantha has a nice, devilish look about her, much like a young Janice Dickinson. The Jays love Sarah. Jaslene looks ridiculous (in my opinion, not theirs). Tyra's wig looks even more fake than usual (ditto).
Elimination. This takes place out on the lawn for some reason. Tyra tells the girls that this part never gets easier. Well, judging by this kennel club, it should be. Legitimately attractive girls like Farrah have already been eliminated so clockstoppers like Melissa could advance. Time to announce the finalists. First is Natasha. Ugh. Kathleen. Sarah. She's the first to be pleased without feeling the need to shriek like a damn banshee, so a point to her for that. Cassandra. Whaaa? Renee. Well, she sucks, but at least she's pretty. Samantha. Yay! Dionne. Yay! Whitney. Yay! Brittany. Yay! Felicia. Jael. Jaslene. Pass the crack, Tyra. One name left. And that name is...Diana. Whew. So that means girls like Heather and Lauren, who are just adorable, are now cut to make room for Cassandra, who looks like she stuck her face in a blender. Oh, well. At least Melissa got axed. Unfortunately, we don't get to hear what Whiny Bethany thinks about the girls who got cut, now that she's one of them. The finalists dance happily. They're charged up. The Back to the Future photo fades into existence girl by girl. Even professional hair and makeup can't salvage Cassandra's picture.
In the next hour of America's Next Top Model: The first photo shoot. Moving into the model pad. Renee sets about making enemies, as you knew she would. Someone gets eliminated.
Overall Grade: B
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Finale - Part 2
Top Chef - Season 2, Episode 13
Ilan the raging dickhead wins, which is a fitting end to an extremely shitty season. That's the extent of the detail I'm going to go into about this episode, because I care too much about my blood pressure to relive it.
Rather than talking about the finale, I'm going to quote myself from way back when:
Wow. I never would have imagined when I originally wrote this that the Reality Show Gods were listening, and pretty much fixed everything I asked them to. KatieBot has been banished, and Padma was an articulate and engaging replacement. Ptom reined in his attitude, only being a total jerkoff in one episode. Lo and behold, the judging has been fixed.
But the Reality Show Gods are a mischievous bunch. They righted what I thought was wrong...and ruined everything that I thought was right. The casting? Awful. Anyone with a shred of likability was a distant memory by the halfway point. The villains? All the conceit of Jeffrey, the pomposity of Tiffani, and the arrogance of Stephen, with none of the fun. The challenges? Crappy retreads of first-season challenges, or worse, retreads of earlier challenges in this season. The winner? A fucking scumwad. Compared to Ilan, Jeffrey's my favorite person ever. This show started out so promising, and has quickly slid into joyless, unwatchable muck. Good riddance, Season 2.
Overall Grade: D-
Overall Season Grade: D-
Ilan the raging dickhead wins, which is a fitting end to an extremely shitty season. That's the extent of the detail I'm going to go into about this episode, because I care too much about my blood pressure to relive it.
Rather than talking about the finale, I'm going to quote myself from way back when:
So, Top Chef. Inaugural seasons are hard to call, because you never know if the show is going to get better over time (Project Runway) or worse (America's Next Top Model). If I give the season a C, will I think more kindly of it if the next one sucks rocks? This show certainly has plenty to improve upon. I know asking for a new hostess and new judges is like crying for the moon, but I have to try. The judging was far and away the worst thing about the show. Ptom is an egotistical asshole, KatieBot has the charisma of a Saltine, and Gail is...well, I don't have much of a problem with Gail. I'd probably like her more if she were grouped with different people. That's a big stumbling block as far as enjoying the show overall. Disliking the judges is not the same thing as disliking a particular challenge. At least a sucky challenge is dispensed with in one episode. Also, the consistent bringing in the top three, then the bottom three -- combined with showing who winds up at the table in the episode previews -- killed a lot of suspense. Really, the entire judging aspect of the show needs to be overhauled.
Still, there was plenty to love about Top Chef, and they got a lot right for their first try at this. The casting was far better than I thought it was going to be when I first heard about these particular contestants. Ken was a bad idea, but at least it was a mistake that was quickly rectified. Tiffani and Stephen were engaging villains. Lee Anne, Andrea, Cynthia, and Lisa had me in their cheering sections, and Harold was a likable and deserving winner. Most of the guest judges were articulate and fair. Most of the challenges were creative and well-planned. That's nothing to sneeze at.
There's just that fucking Ptom.
Overall Season Grade: B-
Wow. I never would have imagined when I originally wrote this that the Reality Show Gods were listening, and pretty much fixed everything I asked them to. KatieBot has been banished, and Padma was an articulate and engaging replacement. Ptom reined in his attitude, only being a total jerkoff in one episode. Lo and behold, the judging has been fixed.
But the Reality Show Gods are a mischievous bunch. They righted what I thought was wrong...and ruined everything that I thought was right. The casting? Awful. Anyone with a shred of likability was a distant memory by the halfway point. The villains? All the conceit of Jeffrey, the pomposity of Tiffani, and the arrogance of Stephen, with none of the fun. The challenges? Crappy retreads of first-season challenges, or worse, retreads of earlier challenges in this season. The winner? A fucking scumwad. Compared to Ilan, Jeffrey's my favorite person ever. This show started out so promising, and has quickly slid into joyless, unwatchable muck. Good riddance, Season 2.
Overall Grade: D-
Overall Season Grade: D-
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