The Amazing Race - Season 10, Episode 4
Previously on The Amazing Race: Nine teams set out from Mongolia for the flashback-inducing vistas of Vietnam. Tom felt that KanDustin owes him do-overs for race mistakes. He must be a joy to play Monopoly with. Erwin and Godwin cruised into first place, and though Tom and Terry received a penalty, Duke and Lauren couldn't make up enough time and got eliminated. Eight teams remain. Who will be eliminated next?
Opening credits. Kel-who and Who-mie? I have no idea who those people are.
Outskirts of Hanoi, Vietnam. Phil tells us that at the end of the last leg, Rob had to be treated for heat exhaustion. Since this will turn out to have absolutely no relevance to the upcoming episode, I don't know why they felt the need to tell us. Also, Mary's ankle still hurts. Come on, Mary! You are in a RICE paddy, after all. Erwin and Godwin leave the mat first at 10:55 PM. Their clue tells them to travel by taxi back to Hanoi, and find the Ly Thai To Garden. Once there, teams will have to listen for their next clue. Presumably by the bronze statue pictured on-screen. Teams will receive 588,000 (Limecrete's Brain: "Whaaaaaa????") Vietnamese dong (Limecrete's Brain: "Oh.") for this leg of the race, which they pick up from a nearby man. And hey, now I know that that's only about $36.75, so the producers are still being awesomely stingy. Erwin, it must be pointed out, is wearing a T-shirt that reads "Let's Hug It Out". Hehehe. He interviews that it's important to him and his brother to represent Asian Americans while on the race. Well, except for the boneheaded gun idea, they're off to a good start. Tyler and James leave the mat at 11:22 PM. They lift each other's spirits and blah blah blah. I don't even dislike them anymore. Now they just bore me silly. They make fun of the word "dong" in their cab, which makes me want to break out my Sixteen Candles DVD. Er...not that I own that movie. Rob and Kimberly are off at 11:26 PM. Rob interviews that control is a big issue in their relationship. Ya think? He calls the cab driver "bro" as he tells him to slow down. Little did we know that by the end of this episode we'll all be praying for the word "bro" (along with its cousin "dude") to be expunged from the English language.
KanDustin leaves at 11:27 PM. Dustin interviews that other teams are starting to see their "competitive juices". Ew. They briefly flirt with the idea of bribing the other cabs to leave, which I desperately hope was a joke. If you become Tools, ladies, there's no coming back. Peter and Sarah leave the mat at 11:29 PM. Sarah interviews that she's starting to see "surprising" aspects of Peter's character. Her tone implies that these surprises aren't so much the Cracker Jack kind as the audit kind. Lyn and Karlyn leave at 11:31 PM. I'm going to leave out the majority of the blather about how long they've been away from their children or how they're doing this for their children or how proud their children will be, and GOOD GOD, THERE'S MORE TO LIFE. Karlyn is wearing an incredibly ugly, spangly pink headband. Peter and Sarah's cab passes KanDustin. David and Mary leave the mat at 11:32 PM. Mary interviews that the race is extremely difficult, but she's not giving up, despite her sprained foot. This season really does seem exponentially harder than many others, which is great for the viewers, but I imagine is no picnic for the contestants. Mary is chipper about being so close to other teams. Tom and Terry are last to leave at 11:48 PM. They say that they won't let last week's penalty get them down, and that they'll pay more attention this week.
Erwin and Godwin's cab is a bit lost, so Tyler and James are first to arrive at the garden. There's a loudspeaker message with the next clue, which they seem to hear almost immediately. Peter and Sarah pass Rob and Kimberly. Kimberly says that Peter bugs them. Well, good. Something they can bond over. The two teams arrive at the garden. KanDustin arrives, and heads straight for a table with some growing plants on it that is filled with crickets. They seem to think that the crickets are the key to their next clue. Hehehehe. Erwin and Godwin get directions. Lyn and Karlyn arrive at the garden. Everyone seems to pick up on the loudspeaker message at about the same time. The message is in English, but is heavily accented. We get subtitles, so we know the clue tells the teams to take a taxi across the Red River to Ben Xe Gia Lam. Then, they will take a bus to Ben Xe Bai Chay. Then they'll need to find the Hydrofoil Harbor. So the teams all have to write this down, and who knows what garble their translations will turn into? It's like a hellish game of Telephone. Sweet.
Lyn/Karlyn and KanDustin hop back into their cabs. Tyler and James hail a cab, and bring the driver over to listen to the message. Peter and Sarah do the same. Rob and Kimberly simply jump into a cab and tell the driver to follow Tyler and James'. The driver isn't an extra in a Bond movie, and actually can't stay on the other cab's tail in the traffic, which is pretty damn heavy for midnight ("Bro" count: 2). Tyler and James successfully lose them, so Rob and Kimberly now have no idea what to do. As I mentioned in the blurblet for this episode, this week is full of little bits of instant karma, and this is just the first juicy nugget. Try and make another team do all your work for you, and wind up hopelessly lost. KA-WHAP! That's my sound for instant karma striking. Erwin and Godwin finally reach the garden, having slipped to sixth place. Tom and Terry are right behind them. Mary's busy professing her love for their cab driver. Heh. They arrive at the garden. Rob and Kimberly have wound up back at the garden, and ditch their cab. The driver apparently wants more money than Rob has given him, but Rob tells him that he's not getting more for just driving around the block. Tom and Terry find someone who knows exactly where to go, and agree to let Erwin and Godwin follow them. David and Mary get into the same cab they had before, while Rob and Kimberly obviously get a new one. They give the driver their destination, and he clearly has no idea what they're talking about ("Bro" count: 3 -- "Dude" count: 2). That doesn't stop them from letting him drive, because how important could it possibly be to have a cab driver that knows what you're asking of him? This guy drives around in a circle as well. Rob and Kimberly pissily tell him to stop. I know this has got to be frustrating for them, but still. Hehehehehe.
Commercials. General Motors now sells flying cars. Or something.
Rinse and repeat with the driver unhappy with his tiny fare. Third time seems to be a charm, though, as Rob and Kimberly finally appear to find a driver that understands the message. They're now in last place. Rob is happy that they finally found a "competent" taxi driver, and announces that he's done talking with foreigners. Wow, good thing you're not on a race around the world, then. That'd suck. Also, don't you love how Rob and Kimberly's multiple screwups, from trying to get to their next destination by piggybacking to not taking fourteen seconds to find someone who understood the clue is now the fault of Vietnam's transportation industry? The nerve of these people to speak Vietnamese in Vietnam! Perhaps there's some other "competence" that needs to be examined here, greaseball. David and Mary's driver is lost, and they go back to the message to listen to it again. Lyn and Karlyn are similarly wandering. The Hydrofoil Harbor has mutated into "Hydroform Tavern" on Karlyn's notepad. Hehe. KanDustin is first to arrive in the right place, but the busses don't start running until the morning. Know what that means? Yep. All the other teams catch up ("Dude" count: 3). Mary gives her taxi driver a final hug, which he unsuccessfully tries to ward off. Personal space, Mary! All of the teams get onto the same bus, which is taking them more than 100 miles to Ha Long Bay.
And through the magic of television, we're there. Lyn comments on the gorgeous scenery. The teams are dropped off, and there isn't so much "searching for Hydrofoil Harbor", given that the cluebox is about fifty paces away. Roadblock! "Who's got strong arms and legs?" Phil explains that in this Roadblock, the chosen team member has to use mechanical ascenders to climb 90 feet up a rock cliff. Sound familiar? There are three ascenders, which are first-come, first-served. The next clue will be given to them at the top of the cliff. David takes it. Terry. Godwin. Dustin. Rob. Sarah. Sarah!?!? Apparently, she's got some memory problems. That was a dumb choice. Karlyn takes it. Tyler. There's a short flight of steps leading down to the water, where speedboats await to take the teams to the cliff. Mary hobbles a little. In their boat, Sarah warns Peter that she's not going to be as fast at this as the other teams. Other teams are jumping into their boats. As Lyn and Karlyn begin to climb down into theirs, KanDustin snakes them by jumping into it. And Dustin immediately bumps her leg and gets a minor cut. The blood starts flowing. KA-WHAP! Lyn and Karlyn are like, "How do you like your stolen boat now, bitches?". The boats begin to speed across the bay picturesquely.
First to the cliff is David, followed by Terry and Rob. Other teams arrive, but now have to wait for their turns. Climbing ensues. Terry finds the safety equipment tight in the crotch. Heh. Lucky Tom, I guess. Dustin's leg is wrapped up, and she seems to be fine, overall. David racks his head against the rock face. Good thing for that helmet. Forty billion shots of Sarah looking nervous. Rob is first to the top. The guy at the top attaches the clue to his rappel line. Kimberly laughingly reminds him not to come back down without it, and it's basically the first time in the entire race that she's not coming off as a relentless shrew. It only took a month! David and Terry reach the top. On the ground, Tom frets that now he'll be forced into doing the next Roadblock. Fate strings her bow. Rob and Kimberly open their clue, which directs them to take the speedboat to Sung Sot Cave, which is about a mile away. Once there, they'll search the cave for their next clue.
Godwin suits up, and is wearing his pec-defining shirt. Dustin flirts with him. Ooooh! David reaches the bottom. Mary tells him she's super-proud, and they're off to the cave. Karlyn suits up. Tom and Terry leave for the cave. Godwin makes good progress. Karlyn seems to be doing all right, as well. Lyn calls up that if Karlyn can have a baby without anesthesia, she can climb this rock, which makes Karlyn pause to laugh. Heh. Sarah suits up. Peter yells a lot of "you can do it!" blah while the guy is trying to give Sarah directions, and she has to call back for him to shut up for two seconds so she can listen. Godwin makes it to the top, but thinks his arms are too weak to rappel back down. Dude, you're a gym rat, and Terry just did this. Sarah almost instantly runs into trouble, the same as she did on the Great Wall. She also instantly falls into that "I can't. I can't!" patter she did back then. Learn from your mistakes, Sarah. Otherwise, you might wind up with a bossy boyfriend you can't stand. Oh, wait.
Commercials. Wow, these political ads are driving me batty. I already know who/what I'm voting for! Leave me alone, you vultures!
Sarah continues climbing. Peter continues kicking back with a soda. Rob and Kimberly arrive at the cave. It's not a cave in the most traditional sense. It's extremely hollowed out and well-lit, and there are swarms of people inside. Just so you don't have the impression it's just teams wedged into a guano-encrusted hole. They begin to search. Rob bumps his head on the rock. That's kind of a light motif for the evening. Godwin makes it back down at the Roadblock. Kimberly finds the cluebox. Detour! Over or Under. In Over, teams have to ride a junk to a marked buoy. They then row a rowboat (with a Vietnamese name I can't make out -- work with me, Phil's accent) to a supply boat, pick up some supplies, and row themselves to two houseboats. Once they've dropped off both sets of supplies, they row back and receive their next clue. In Under, teams take a junk to the same marked buoy, but this time row their boat to a pearl farm. They then find another set of marked buoys and haul up thirty oyster baskets. When they're finished, they deliver them to a pearl farmer, who will give them their next clue. Rob and Kimberly choose Under. Kimberly doesn't know what a junk is. Karlyn makes it to the top of the cliff. Tyler passes Sarah. Rob and Kimberly find their junk. Damn, part of me was hoping they'd wander around for an hour, yelling "What's a junk???" at the top of their lungs and whining that the people around them are "incompetent" for not understanding.
Karlyn makes it back down. Tyler makes it to the top. Peter yaps at Sarah, who says that she's doing her best. Dustin suits up. Tyler makes it back down ("Dude" count: 4 -- "Bro" count: 4). Tom/Terry and David/Mary reach the cave. Sarah reaches the top of the cliff, and the show doesn't even attempt to tug at our heartstrings with inspirational music this time. She comes back down and they head for the cave, leaving KanDustin in last place. Tom and Terry find the clue and pick Under. Tom says he'll be able to row the boat. Rob and Kimberly arrive at their rowboat. Kimberly wants to be helpful, but as we're about to see, rowing should really be a one-person operation. Rob doesn't pick up the trick of rowing within the first nine seconds, so they decide that they should each take one paddle. I'd nickname this team Never Wants To Take The Slightest Bit Of Time To Figure Out How To Do Something Correctly So They Suck At Everything Which Leads To Their Inevitable Fighting if it didn't take so long to type. But since everything is just one big fight to them, let's just call them RoKi. So they both take an oar. And of course, physics being what they are, it doesn't work. So Kimberly stops and moves up front. And Rob tells her she needs to help by taking one of the oars. Did we fall into a time loop?
David and Mary find the clue in the cave and choose Over, because they're scared of hanging out in the deep water that Under implies. Dustin makes it back down, so they're off to the cave. Tom/Terry and David/Mary board their junks. Mary's still limping and talking about her hurt ankle and David says "yeah, yeah" because we've all heard about the ankle a thousand times. This naturally causes her to get short-tempered with him, and when he suggests they go to the back deck and sit down for a while, she snaps that he can tell her what to do when he's her boss. Mary, you can complain about your ankle or you can refuse to sit down when you have the chance. Not both. RoKi finally makes some progress with their rowing and sees the marked buoys at Under. Erwin and Godwin reach the cave and choose Under. RoKi can't find the oyster baskets ("Dude" count: 5). They spring right into the hissyfit tantrum portion of every task they are faced with, no matter how minor. James and Tyler find the cave clue and pick Under. On their way out, they pass Lyn and Karlyn, who ask them if they've found anything. They lie and say they haven't. Now, I'm not one to suggest that teams owe each other any help. Nobody's under any obligation to be like "Sure, let me show you the way to the cluebox!". But it would have been just as effective (and a hell of a lot less squirrely) to say "Yep, we found it. It's back there somewhere." You haven't really helped in any appreciable way. Plus, it spares you the other team instantly seeing through your pathetic lie and thus engendering some ill will that may well bite you in the butt later. In other words, I'm not against lying in the game, but feel it's unwise to lie if it's unnecessary. As it is here, because Lyn and Karlyn easily find the cluebox. They choose Over.
Once RoKi actually settles the fuck down and concentrates, they begin to collect oyster baskets efficiently. Peter and Sarah find the cave clue and choose Under. Tom and Terry get into their rowboat and have trouble getting the hang of it. KanDustin gets their clue and chooses Over. They refuse to give up. Mary and Dave have trouble getting the hang of their rowboat. Really, you can just assume that if someone's in a rowboat, they're having trouble. Terry takes over rowing, because Tom's so horrible at it. Erwin and Godwin row. Tyler rows, doing the smart thing and just handling it himself. James just hangs out like Cleopatra. In a very strange scene, Peter rows, and Sarah tells him he's doing great. He tells her not to talk. She continues complimenting him. He continues telling her to stop talking so he can concentrate on the rowing. Who's weirder here? Sarah for refusing to shut up, or Peter for trying to shut down encouragement when that's all he does when Sarah does anything? These guys are freaks. Lyn and Karlyn begin to row. KanDustin begins to row. The wind is picking up, and various teams are shown having more and more difficulty. Everyone is completely frustrated.
Commercials. Congratulations, lady. You've improved your dog's breath. Now let's work on your hairstyle.
KanDustin can't make any headway against the wind. This may be because they're rowing their boat by kneeling on the back and each taking an oar. That may well be the most useless way to try and propel a boat ever. They give up on trying to make it to Over and work with the wind by switching to Under. David and Mary do the same thing. RoKi finishes their baskets. They also keep yelling at each other, which is becoming so tiresome, I can't even describe it. Tyler starts hauling baskets up. Um, James? Care to contribute anything today? Tom and Terry arrive at Under. Tom whines. RoKi drops off their baskets, and gets their final clue. It directs them to row back to their junk, which will take them to the pitstop, which is nine miles away at Soi Sim Island. Oh, goody. More rowing. Lyn and Karlyn reach the supply boat for Over. They load up and head for the nearby floating village. How cool would it be to live in a floating village? RoKi makes it back to the junk, and are so through with rowing, probably for the rest of their lives. Understandable. Kimberly interviews that Rob is too intense and yelling at her a lot, and that the stress of the race is intensifying their fighting. That's understandable too, except stop trying to put it all on Rob's shoulders. You yell just as much and just as often, princess, so you can lose the put-upon girlfriend act.
Erwin and Godwin arrive at Under and start hauling up baskets. Sarah has the temerity to actually point out where the marked buoys are for their task. What a bitch! I mean, come on! This time it's not pointless encouragement, but actual direction. Peter has to tell her to stop talking again, because once you give your girlfriend the right to speak, that's just a slippery slope into letting her voice an opinion. We can't have that! Peter leans over to pull up the first basket, but he leans over so far that water starts pouring into the boat. Sarah yelps and pulls him back. They both start spazzing. Lyn and Karlyn marvel at the floating village as they drop off their first bundle of supplies. Peter yells at Tom and Terry, because their boat is getting too close. Well, sure. It's not like Peter himself would ever almost bump another team with something he can't control. Otherwise he'd look like a huge hypocrite right about now, huh? After he pulls one or two in, he spazzes that he's so done with the task. Tom and Terry make it to the buoys, but can't find the baskets. Maybe they're at the ones that RoKi already cleaned out. David and Mary arrive and get to hauling baskets. Lyn and Karlyn drop off their second bundle.
KanDustin rows. Tyler and James finish the baskets, so they've made up all sorts of time. RoKi runs up to the mat. The greeter is a very pretty young lady, who welcomes them. They don't respond, of course, because they're done talking to foreigners. They're told they're team number one, and win a pair of jetskis. Phil asks them point blank if they're being nice to each other. Rob says that they're both so competitive, and need to learn to chill. YES. YES, YOU DO. After you learn that, we'll work on evolving beyond early '90s slang. Karlyn's just about fed up with the rowing. Erwin and Godwin finish Under. Tyler and James drop off their baskets. Erwin and Godwin aren't far behind. Peter and Sarah finish Under. Karlyn is getting hysterical, due to their rowing trouble, and Lyn has to talk her down a bit. Tyler rows back to the junk ("Bro" count: 5). Erwin and Godwin make it back, then Peter and Sarah. Once on the junk, Sarah tells Peter that he rocked the task. And Peter completely ignores her. Doesn't smile. Doesn't respond. Just examines his own elbows. Sarah, this is getting painfully uncomfortable. Dump him! In an interview by herself, she says that her feelings towards him have changed, because she's not impressed with the way he's acting during tasks and the way he's treating her. Well, good. At least she recognizes it. Then, in an interview on the junk, she says that she also didn't like how he wanted to give up in the middle of a task, because she didn't piss and moan about climbing up the rock face. She says they've made up a ton of ground today, which should make her happy, but doesn't. Peter gives a look to the interviewer like "Can you believe this stupid bitch?". HATE.
David and Mary finish Under. So they've beaten Tom and Terry, who are just getting started on their baskets. Man, they must have really sucked at this. KanDustin arrives. Peter and Sarah's junk is passing Tyler and James' ("Dude" count: 6). Turns out that one of the crew members on Tyler and James' junk forgot to pull up the anchor, which is what's causing them to go so slow. Hahahahaha! KA-WHAP. Tyler sarcastically makes fun of the crew member, which flies right over the guy's head. The damage is done, though, so Peter and Sarah make it in as team number two. Jeez, it's like the teams are finishing in reverse order of their effectiveness as a couple. That's not inspiring. Teams row. Tyler and James check in as team number three. KanDustin has already collected more baskets than Tom and Terry. Erwin and Godwin check in as team number four. They look pretty unhappy with that. KanDustin finishes their baskets. Mary spots Phil from their junk, and gives us the titular quote. Of four episodes, Mary has been given the episode title in three. Jeez, who is she sleeping with over at CBS? Also, I note that they left out the "scrawny" part of that quote in the episode title. Wimps. KanDustin turns in their baskets. They get their clue, but don't understand it on the first read, because they believe they have to row to the pitstop instead of just rowing back to the junk. I'll remind you that the pitstop is nine miles away.
Lyn and Karlyn return their invoice and get their pitstop clue. David and Mary check in as team five, and are shocked to not be lower. Tom and Terry finally finish their baskets. KanDustin can't figure out what they're doing wrong. They go back to read the clue again, but it's become wet and shredded. Rut roh! Tom and Terry get their pitstop clue. Dustin says that she's frustrated that Kandice didn't take better care of their clue. Kandice doesn't want to start with the blame-throwing. That must be Dustin's talent in the pageant. Tom whines. Dustin cries. They're both exhausted. Lyn and Karlyn are on their junk, but they seem to think they're in last place. Kandice figures out that they need to row back to the junk. I'm not thrilled with the failure to read the clue in the first place, but that was some smart thinking on her part. Tom is so done with rowing that he jumps into the water and starts pulling the boat. They beach themselves on some rocks and call for the junk to come pick them up. Um, no. That won't be happening. Lyn and Karlyn check in as team number six. They're pleased. KanDustin rows. Tom pulls the boat towards the junk. KanDustin makes it back to the junk, and Dustin's first impulse is to start figuring out who to blame for losing (or ruining) the clue. Kandice tells her she's getting a little sick of that, and says to the camera that when something goes wrong, it always seems to be her fault. Dustin starts crying. Tom is so tired he can't even pull himself into the junk.
KanDustin makes up. Aw. I wouldn't be a ray of sunshine on this leg, either. Tom and Terry cry, and Terry says how proud of Tom he is for pulling the freakin' boat. Tom says he had to do it. He doesn't say he did it to prove he could or to never give up. He just wanted to get the hell out of there. Heh. A team approaches Phil. Who will it be? Well, it's KanDustin, unsurprisingly. They're team number seven. They're relieved. Sad, tinkly piano music. Tom and Terry kick back on their junk, and hold hands. They approach the mat. Phil tells them they're last, and that they've been eliminated. Aw, I don't like Tom much, but this was a tough leg for them. Terry says that their relationship has only been strengthened by the race, so that's sweet.
Next week on The Amazing Race: Alligators snap at KanDustin. Peter and Sarah snap at each other. See you then, bros and dudes.
Overall Grade: B-
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Monday, October 09, 2006
Reunion
Project Runway - Season 3, Episode 12
Previously on Project Runway: The entire third season. Need to brush up? Have fun with the links to your left. Tonight, a very special episode. All fifteen designers are back to answer questions! Well, all fifteen designers are back. Their skill in answering questions is still to be determined, lest anyone forget Lupe.
We jump right in, with most of the designers (save five) already seated. I also note that nobody has any drinks in his/her hand, because did I mention Lupe? Heidi greets everyone, and introduces Tim. He says that the show will include clips, discussions, and questions. OK, get to it! Get, get, get! Sorry, I've had two gigantic cups of coffee, and I'm on a bit of a high right now. He also mentions that the person voted "fan favorite" will receive $10,000. Shot of Vincent smiling. Yeah, he has a prayer. Heidi asks how it's been being recognized. Bradley kids that he's not recognized, because he's shaved off his beard, and OH MY GOD SO CUTE. Bonnie says that a woman came up to her, and after confirming that she was on the show, told her she sucked and ran away. Hehehe. Vincent says that knowing who your fans are is a beautiful thing. Like he has any fans apart from his wife and daughter. Heidi narrows her eyes. "Did it turn you on?" Hahaha! Wow, fourteen seconds in, and this episode already rocks. Everyone laughs. Malan showed at Fashion Week. Hey, that's great! I still didn't like him on the show, but everything I've seen or read about him since then makes him seem like a perfectly nice person. Angela says that public reaction was great, especially after the mom challenge. Well, sure. Attention is like food to her.
Before bringing out the finalists, Heidi would like to know who they thought would have made it to the finals. Katie picks Alison, because her style is so wearable by so many people. Alison thanks her. Vincent picks Kayne, because of his outstanding presentation. Kayne remains stone-faced. He's not Vincent's best friend ever? Why could that be? Maybe Kayne did some laundry for him. SPOILER! Stacey picks Robert. Robert kiddingly agrees. Time to bring out the finalists. Uli. Applause. Michael. Applause. Jeffrey. Notably tepid applause. Laura. Applause. She's very pregnant, but is totally rocking a red dress. She looks fantastic. She and Heidi throw a few pregnancy barbs back and forth. Heidi has a question for her from the website. Does she own a pair of jeans? Laura says that riding pants and boots are her version of jeans and sneakers. She doesn't own any jeans, which is almost unfathomable to me, but hey, it's Laura. Heidi tells Tim she's never seen him in jeans either, but he cops to owning them. Tim says they're going to view a clip of how they arrived at the final four. It's just the ending runway of the last episode, which is pretty boring, except when Alison mimics the Pounding Drums of Suspense that always precede the elimination. Hahahaha! Heidi asks how they felt during that judging. Michael says he sweats about it, even watching it now when he knows what's coming. He's got braces. How he avoids looking goofy is beyond me, but he pulls it off. Everyone thinks having the final four (as opposed to three) is a good idea.
You may have noticed that there's still one designer missing. The person "everyone" thought was going to make it to Olympus Fashion week, but was disqualified. Yes, it's the one and only (thank God) Keith Michael. Let's bring him out. Applause even more tepid than Jeffrey's. These aren't even golf claps. They're putt-putt claps. Heidi, very friendly under the circumstances, asks him if his predictions of becoming a laughing-stock came true. He says not really, and that he didn't give his friends enough credit. OK, but... They're your friends. Are those really the people you need to worry about? Alison squeezes his shoulder comfortingly. Aw. Tim introduces the clip of Keith's ejection. Heidi asks what they all thought of this; whether it was fair or not. Robert says absolutely. Alison says she was upset, because Keith was one of the designers that she had become close with. Note she skirted the question of whether or not his disqualification was justified. Kayne says that his goal was not to come to the show and have someone kicked off, which I'm sure is true. Tim asks Keith if he believes the outcome was fair. Prepare yourself for some world-class delusion. He doesn't think it was fair, based on the fact that he's upset. No, it won't make a difference how many times you read that sentence. It won't ever make more sense. Keith claims that it was never in the contract that people can't bring books. The other designers instantly disagree. Tactic #2: "I don't recall reading that". The other designers say that it was explicitly stated.
Heidi confirms that the designers were to come with their brains and their fingers, and that's about it. I mean, even if Keith really missed that section, does it make sense that books would be allowed? Of course not. So it's still no excuse. Stacey says that looking at even the most basic pattern in a book can trigger a whole slew of ideas, which is 1) true and 2) totally irrelevant. Thanks, Stacey. Tactic #3: The books were taken away from Keith, then mysteriously returned a week later. Heidi and Tim both deny that producers would do that, and of course they have more credibility than Cheaty McSneakerson. Even if this little fantasy of Keith's is true, who cares? Say I have forty pounds of cocaine. The cops take it away from me. Then they return it to me. Then they arrest me. Is that unfair? No. Weird, but not unfair, because having the cocaine in the first place is illegal. Tim shuts him down, saying that the producers' integrity is unimpugnable. Keith says he has no idea how the books made it back to his room. Magical elf, perhaps?
Jeffrey pinches the bridge of his nose with his fingers in a classic "Lord, save me from this douchebag" gesture. He's asked if he thought Keith's ejection was fair, and he absolutely does. Tim and Heidi also bring up the matter of Keith leaving the production for several hours, which is also against the rules. Keith says that he was upset about the whispering and gossip about the books. Heidi brings up the excellent analogy of a fender-bender. If you believe the accident wasn't your fault and it's just an innocent mistake, do you take off? No, because there's no reason to run. You go, Heidi! Tactic #4: A production assistant gave Keith permission to go. The same magical elf, perhaps? Laura rolls her eyes awesomely. Uli says that the designers aren't even allowed to go to the bathroom without somebody following, so things like that don't happen. Keith says he's not going to take this abuse by "rolling over like a puppy", which is what Tim is quoted as saying about him later. There's no way this little ass pimple is able to take on the likes of Tim Gunn, though, so Tim explains that the quote was in reference to the fact that he was expecting a fight when he first brought the news of the ejection to Keith, and that the puppy-rolling was Keith's reaction then. That's all the time we have for this waste of organs. Good job redeeming yourself in the eyes of the public, Keith! I certainly am totally convinced of your innocence after your mass of rambling, incomprehensible stories!
Commercials. Go spend money on this movie about Truman Capote! No, not that one! This other one! Please? We're begging you!
Heidi introduces a very funny clip of Tim befuddling the designers with his extensive vocabulary. I'd love to be all snotty and "Well, I certainly understood everything, because I'm so smart!", but Faux bois (fake wood)? Sturm und Drang (turmoil)? I'd look as blank as the designers. There's a final string of three-dollar words before we rejoin everyone laughing at the reunion. Tim gets a question from e-mail, asking if he himself is a designer. He says that he prefers to educate rather than design, but he does do drawings and sculpture and such. Really? Wow, that's cool. Tim's not the only one with a "idiosyncratic lexicon" of the season. Another hilarious montage follows. Laura referring to several other works as "serious ugly". Shot of her looking amusingly horrified at the reunion. Robert chanting "boring" over and over. Vincent and his disgusting "turns me on". And finally, a brilliant, brilliant series of Bradley's random sound effects, the best of which is him completely ignoring whatever Bonnie's saying to make some sort of popping noise.
The designers are asked how it is to work with Tim. Uli gives the general "yay, Tim!" speech we hear a lot from these guys. But not everyone is complimentary. Heidi reads a quote from Entertainment Weekly. "Tim has been bad-mouthing me ever since the show started, because I didn't choose to bow down to Tim. If he gave me constructive advice, I would thank him. But if he tried other things, I would dismiss him." Before we get into another delude-o-rama from the quote's source, which is OF COURSE Vincent, let's examine it a little. Tim publicly shredded Vincent because he wasn't subservient enough? How many episodes of this show would you have to watch to see what patent bullshit that is? My guess is about three. From any season. Also, note the "I don't have a problem with Tim, as long as he likes my work" tone of that quote. What he's basically saying is that someone's opinion of his work isn't valid unless it happens to be a positive one. Convenient. Vincent says he stands by that quote, because of what people have been telling him that Tim's said on various blogs. Not that Vincent has read any of these blogs, by his own admission. So he's perfectly comfortable making and standing by a quote based entirely on hearsay. Tim duhs that if Vincent hasn't read [Tim's] blog on the Bravo website, he should, because any criticism Tim made was about Vincent's designs; not his character. Don't worry Tim, I'll take up the slack for you. VINCENT IS CRAZY. AND NOT LOVABLY CRAZY. FULL-ON PSYCHOTIC. There.
Heidi continues with Vincent's quote, which refers to the other designers as a bunch of amateurs. Michael points out that getting on the show together would imply that if the other designers are amateur, so is he. Instead of saying anything that would make the tiniest bit of sense, Vincent responds that what he meant by amateur is "not being up to that level of design". Oh, well that clears everything up! Even Alison, who is far kinder than a lot of these other people, is rolling her eyes. Tim asks Laura what she thinks. "I think Vincent's delusional." Atta girl! She goes on to say that it's great that he loves his own work, but disagrees with his opinion about the other designers' work, which was a perfectly polite way of making him sound like an even bigger tool. Well played, Laura. Uli asks if he's such a professional, why is he not, you know, SELLING CLOTHES FOR PROFIT? YOU KNOW, LIKE A BUSINESS? Vincent pulls that move when someone's lost an argument by saying that he's entitled to his opinion. Yes, and other people are entitled to POINT OUT WHAT A FREAKING NUTBAR YOU ARE. I realize I'm shouting, which I guess is my way of hoping the tiniest bit of logic is able to penetrate the mass of tapioca that constitutes his brain. I know I'm crying for the moon. Robert sniffs that "dogging" other people's work is the true mark of an amateur. Bitchy, but deserved. Vincent retreats into garble, saying that it "takes a certain level to be at a certain level." Tim says that he has no idea what Vincent is talking about. Hehe.
Tim introduces a montage of Kayne talking at warp-speed, most notably frightening Miss USA to her core. There's an honest-to-goodness word count flashed on screen, winding up with Kayne's 932 words to Miss USA's seven. Hehehe. There are other scenes of him blathering away intercut with this, along with shots of designers at the reunion giggling along. Kayne laughs that he feels like telling himself to shut up, just as he did (in interview) to Amanda. Heidi has him speed-talk us into the commercials.
Commercials. OhmyGodcanyoubelievethatCaliforniaistryingtopretendlikewe'reallintotheircheese? ImeaneveryoneknowsthatWisconsin'stheplacetobe. Nope. It doesn't roll off my tongue like it does Kayne's.
Tim asks about the public reaction to Malan. He says that it's been really great, and that he's received over two million e-mails. Yowsa. He says if not for that support, he probably wouldn't have had the strength to show at Fashion Week. Heidi confirms that he still did not get any support from his family, which he seems pretty depressed about. Aw. He feels it has a lot to do with his sexuality. Shots of Tim, Robert, and Kayne. Yeah, we get it, show. A viewer wrote in asking about Malan's accent. He says he was raised in Taiwan, Hong Kong, Australia, and the United States, so it's a blend. He laughs that very, ah, unique laugh of his, which Heidi imitates. Heh. They've even got a montage clip of Malan's disturbing laugh. Bonnie tries to imitate it, and fails. Robert says it's like a blend of Cary Grant and Eddie Munster. Not a bad description. Back at the reunion, Malan is delighted, calling it sweet that they dedicated a clip to him. Yeah, no kidding, considering he was second off.
Tim asks which challenge was the most enjoyable. Alison jumps right in with the dog challenge. Yeah, I loved that one. Alison says that the animals made the whole thing really fun. Heidi asks which one was the hardest. People seem to agree that it was the mom challenge. I know I'm redundantly linking all over the place, but did I mention the two giant cups of coffee? Robert says that it was very tough to design plus-sized clothing, and it required the designers to break out of their shell. Heidi adds that unlike usual models, moms actually talk back. Heh. This, of course, leads Robert to add that the challenge was indeed more difficult, because "except for some people", you don't want to make someone else's mom cry. Clip of that whole Jeffrey/Angela/Darlene kerfluffle. Heidi asks if they look at that situation any differently now. Jeffrey's already defiant as he snots "No. It hasn't happened any differently." Angela doesn't really know what to say. Jeffrey says that it was never his intention to make Darlene cry, but that she was never planning to tell him that she didn't like the colors; only criticize him on the runway. Probably true. Angela disputes this, saying that Jeffrey's making it out like Darlene was planning to sabotage him on the runway.
Gnat: "No, you were handling that part yourself."
Jeffrey actually states something that makes his point of view of the situation understandable. He says that Darlene didn't approach him with her problems, because she didn't want to make trouble, and by the time she did voice her opinion, it was too late for him to do anything about it. He didn't appreciate that. I have no trouble believing that this is 100% true. Also true is what Robert says next, so I'll let him do my work for me. "To me, Jeffrey didn't handle it properly in how he spoke to her. I think he knows it, though. Because it's just inappropriate to talk to any client that way." Laura, of all people, brings up a good point in Jeffrey's defense, which is that all the moms except Darlene just let the designers do whatever they wanted. Darlene gave Jeffrey a much harder time. It certainly doesn't excuse the way that Jeffrey acted in that episode, but I'm sure it's true. Tim asks Jeffrey how he would have responded had his mom been on the end of a smackdown. He responds that he would have gone over and "assisted". Oh, and you were doing so well, Jeffrey. This is pure bullshit. He would have thrown a massive tantrum. We all know it. Tim asks if he ever apologized to Darlene, and he says that he never had the chance to. Fishy. Angela confirms that she asked him to apologize the morning of the runway show, and he said "I'm not apologizing to anybody". So...here we are at the reunion. This has all been rehashed, and he's admitted that he never apologized. Everyone around him seems to feel that an apology is called for. Pop quiz, hotshot. You're in this situation. You, as a normal human being:
a) Read the damn room and apologize now.
b) Stick to your guns, and say that you don't feel you owe anybody an apology.
c) Completely wuss out, and mutter something about "circumstances" and "stress".
Scoresheet:
a) Congratulations. You have correctly diffused the situation. Even if you don't mean a word of your apology, you know that sometimes your image being redeemed is more important than your wounded pride.
b) Your social skills need some work, but at least nobody can accuse you of inconsistency. Perhaps people won't like you for it, but hey, you're standing by your principles. Can't please everyone.
c) You're not only an asshole, but a stupid asshole. Put away your jeweled sunglasses and your neck tattoos, pussy. You're about as hardcore as Rainbow Brite.
Angela ruins this, of course, by pretending that she and Jeffrey would be best friends if not for the mom challenge. People laugh in her face, as they should. Tim segues into what he calls one of the "scariest" moments of the season, which didn't even make it on camera. You've probably seen it by now. If not:
Yeah, he's totally professional. And it actually goes on longer than that. This is what cracks me up about the people who never tire of whining that it's all the editor's fault that they came off poorly. It's slightly understandable. Certainly, if you took all the parts of a competition that I acted stressed and bitchy, strung them together, and showed only that, you wouldn't get a complete picture of what I'm like. BUT. They can't show you acting bitchy (crazy, weird, stupid, etc.) if you DON'T ACT LIKE THAT. They didn't CGI you being a twat, Zulema. They didn't dub in an actor's voice yelling at well-meaning locals, Hayden (and by the way, please purchase a bra -- there are several stores where this can be accomplished). They didn't spin your snide attitude out of magic dust and pixie wings, Tiffani. My coffee buzz is wearing off. I'm sad now.
Commercials. Men should act like men. OK, Milwaukee's Best Light. I'm going to assert my masculinity by telling you that your commercials are the dumbest fucking things I've ever seen in my life, and I wouldn't drink your swill if Ken Ryker were dancing naked above it.
It's time to announce the winner of the "fan favorite" competition. Michael. Yay! Two special guests have the giant toy check for him: Nina and Michael Kors. Laura makes fun of the check. Hehe. Michael's thrilled and gratified. Kors and Nina take seats next to Tim, who says that fashion is "subjective" and "boils down to a matter of taste". Hey, does something smell like unfermented ass-covering in here? But first, they talk about the scoring system in general. The designs are scored on a scale from 1 (awful) to 5 (wonderful). The scores are then added. After the question and answer section, the scores may change. Nina says she judges by whatever the particular challenge called for. Kors says that he tries to judge the challenges separately, rather than by someone's overall body of work. Based on the number of "this is a nice dress, but your other work is too similar to it" thrown at these designers (Uli in particular), I'm going to have to call bullshit on that one. Tim says that the designers can ask the judges questions about their motivations for particular decisions. Interesting.
Angela asks that had her "story" been different in the dog challenge, would the judges have hated the garment so much? This is actually a really good question. That outfit was hideous from head to toe, of course, but the judges really pounced on how inappropriate the clothing was, given the (admittedly stupid) art-camp-for-kids story behind it. They let her in on the fact that they wouldn't have liked the outfit anyway. The words "hoochie" and "hooker" feature prominently. Kayne starts off with a legitimate question about his couture dress. Would the judges have liked it more if it had been a solid color? Michael Kors begins to respond in the affirmative, but Kayne's inner drama queen can't be contained for that long, and interrupts with a tangent about how there wasn't a wide enough fabric selection, and that he's gotten nothing but positive feedback on that dress, and blah blah HOW DARE YOU NOT LIKE MY WORK! NO MORE WIRE HANGERS! Kors snippily responds that it's a matter of taste, and if people want to do over-the-top designs, that's wonderful, but they still have to find the best way to present that aesthetic. Zing!
Tim brings up the controversial judging in the recycling challenge. That ass-covering smell is getting stronger. He asks Alison how she felt about her elimination. She says she's moved beyond it at this point, but at the time, she liked it on the dress form. It didn't work out on the runway, however. So she's essentially agreeing with her booting. Michael Kors tells her she should have changed what needed changing when the dress was transferred to Alexandria from the mannequin. Um, she didn't disagree with you, ass. And it would have fallen to bits if she had tried to do that. Besides, the controversy from that judging wasn't that Alison's dress didn't suck, because it kind of did. The controversy is that Vincent's dress was far, far worse. Note that this is never addressed, so it's just as much bullshit as it was when they tried to cover up Santino's shitty lingerie line. Whatever. Laura asks if they feel like they've ever made a mistake in judging. Do they ever see an old episode and think they judged too hastily? Michael Kors says "No" after not one iota of hesitation. Anyone who thinks they've never made a mistake in their work -- is not very good at their work. I'll leave it at that.
Heidi transitions into some wacky problems they had during certain judgings. Clip of the smoke alarm going off during the runway questioning session in the black and white challenge. Nobody moves. They're lucky there wasn't a real fire. The funniest bit is when they think it's stopped; the second Nina goes back to criticizing the designers, it starts again. Hehehe. Clip of Marilinda feeling faint during the freestyle challenge. Clip of Amanda feeling faint in the dog challenge. And the recycling challenge. Note that all of those challenges were ones in which the model's designer didn't do well. Coincidence? I THINK NOT. Clip of Jeffrey letting a massive fart out. But we don't see him. It's just a noise emanating from behind the silhouette screen on the runway. Hahahahaha! He farts again as the designers emerge, and Vincent chastises him, which cracks everybody at the reunion up.
Commercials. Hey, you don't have to sell Ben and Jerry's to me. I'm sold already.
The four finalists have left, and the remaining designers are asked who they think will win. Bonnie finds it hard to pick a favorite, but likes Uli's work. Robert thinks Laura's the dark horse. Katie picks Michael. Alison says Michael and Jeffrey are her top choices. Kayne thinks Michael and Laura will be the top two. Keith feels Jeffrey is the most innovative, but Uli has a great perspective. Angela and Vincent can't pick a favorite. Heidi introduces a clip of what previous seasons' designers think. Jay picks Michael, and his reasoning is... Well, see the breakdown here. Gay white guy wins. Asian immigrant wins. Black guy wins. It's the natural progression of reality programming. Note he doesn't say one word about design talent, and while I don't like Jay in general, that was brilliant. Chloe wants Michael to win. And why shouldn't she? He might not have even made it into the competition were it not for her. Kara says Uli's going to have a strong showing. Hehehe. I swear I'm not laughing because they're the same person as far as Reality Show Archetypes go. OK, I am. Danzzz picks Uli, too. Daniel Franco chooses Laura. Robert P. says something dumb said only for attention's sake, so I'm going to omit his quote just out of spite. And that's it. Heidi thanks everyone, and signs off by pretending to kiss Tim on the lips. Oh, just do it!
Next week on Project Runway: Tim visits designers. Jeffrey has an ugly mullet, but an enormous design space. Tim encounters turtle feces. Uli's models are hungover and aren't showing up for fittings. Laura formally accuses Jeffrey of cheating. You heard me.
Overall Grade: B
Previously on Project Runway: The entire third season. Need to brush up? Have fun with the links to your left. Tonight, a very special episode. All fifteen designers are back to answer questions! Well, all fifteen designers are back. Their skill in answering questions is still to be determined, lest anyone forget Lupe.
We jump right in, with most of the designers (save five) already seated. I also note that nobody has any drinks in his/her hand, because did I mention Lupe? Heidi greets everyone, and introduces Tim. He says that the show will include clips, discussions, and questions. OK, get to it! Get, get, get! Sorry, I've had two gigantic cups of coffee, and I'm on a bit of a high right now. He also mentions that the person voted "fan favorite" will receive $10,000. Shot of Vincent smiling. Yeah, he has a prayer. Heidi asks how it's been being recognized. Bradley kids that he's not recognized, because he's shaved off his beard, and OH MY GOD SO CUTE. Bonnie says that a woman came up to her, and after confirming that she was on the show, told her she sucked and ran away. Hehehe. Vincent says that knowing who your fans are is a beautiful thing. Like he has any fans apart from his wife and daughter. Heidi narrows her eyes. "Did it turn you on?" Hahaha! Wow, fourteen seconds in, and this episode already rocks. Everyone laughs. Malan showed at Fashion Week. Hey, that's great! I still didn't like him on the show, but everything I've seen or read about him since then makes him seem like a perfectly nice person. Angela says that public reaction was great, especially after the mom challenge. Well, sure. Attention is like food to her.
Before bringing out the finalists, Heidi would like to know who they thought would have made it to the finals. Katie picks Alison, because her style is so wearable by so many people. Alison thanks her. Vincent picks Kayne, because of his outstanding presentation. Kayne remains stone-faced. He's not Vincent's best friend ever? Why could that be? Maybe Kayne did some laundry for him. SPOILER! Stacey picks Robert. Robert kiddingly agrees. Time to bring out the finalists. Uli. Applause. Michael. Applause. Jeffrey. Notably tepid applause. Laura. Applause. She's very pregnant, but is totally rocking a red dress. She looks fantastic. She and Heidi throw a few pregnancy barbs back and forth. Heidi has a question for her from the website. Does she own a pair of jeans? Laura says that riding pants and boots are her version of jeans and sneakers. She doesn't own any jeans, which is almost unfathomable to me, but hey, it's Laura. Heidi tells Tim she's never seen him in jeans either, but he cops to owning them. Tim says they're going to view a clip of how they arrived at the final four. It's just the ending runway of the last episode, which is pretty boring, except when Alison mimics the Pounding Drums of Suspense that always precede the elimination. Hahahaha! Heidi asks how they felt during that judging. Michael says he sweats about it, even watching it now when he knows what's coming. He's got braces. How he avoids looking goofy is beyond me, but he pulls it off. Everyone thinks having the final four (as opposed to three) is a good idea.
You may have noticed that there's still one designer missing. The person "everyone" thought was going to make it to Olympus Fashion week, but was disqualified. Yes, it's the one and only (thank God) Keith Michael. Let's bring him out. Applause even more tepid than Jeffrey's. These aren't even golf claps. They're putt-putt claps. Heidi, very friendly under the circumstances, asks him if his predictions of becoming a laughing-stock came true. He says not really, and that he didn't give his friends enough credit. OK, but... They're your friends. Are those really the people you need to worry about? Alison squeezes his shoulder comfortingly. Aw. Tim introduces the clip of Keith's ejection. Heidi asks what they all thought of this; whether it was fair or not. Robert says absolutely. Alison says she was upset, because Keith was one of the designers that she had become close with. Note she skirted the question of whether or not his disqualification was justified. Kayne says that his goal was not to come to the show and have someone kicked off, which I'm sure is true. Tim asks Keith if he believes the outcome was fair. Prepare yourself for some world-class delusion. He doesn't think it was fair, based on the fact that he's upset. No, it won't make a difference how many times you read that sentence. It won't ever make more sense. Keith claims that it was never in the contract that people can't bring books. The other designers instantly disagree. Tactic #2: "I don't recall reading that". The other designers say that it was explicitly stated.
Heidi confirms that the designers were to come with their brains and their fingers, and that's about it. I mean, even if Keith really missed that section, does it make sense that books would be allowed? Of course not. So it's still no excuse. Stacey says that looking at even the most basic pattern in a book can trigger a whole slew of ideas, which is 1) true and 2) totally irrelevant. Thanks, Stacey. Tactic #3: The books were taken away from Keith, then mysteriously returned a week later. Heidi and Tim both deny that producers would do that, and of course they have more credibility than Cheaty McSneakerson. Even if this little fantasy of Keith's is true, who cares? Say I have forty pounds of cocaine. The cops take it away from me. Then they return it to me. Then they arrest me. Is that unfair? No. Weird, but not unfair, because having the cocaine in the first place is illegal. Tim shuts him down, saying that the producers' integrity is unimpugnable. Keith says he has no idea how the books made it back to his room. Magical elf, perhaps?
Jeffrey pinches the bridge of his nose with his fingers in a classic "Lord, save me from this douchebag" gesture. He's asked if he thought Keith's ejection was fair, and he absolutely does. Tim and Heidi also bring up the matter of Keith leaving the production for several hours, which is also against the rules. Keith says that he was upset about the whispering and gossip about the books. Heidi brings up the excellent analogy of a fender-bender. If you believe the accident wasn't your fault and it's just an innocent mistake, do you take off? No, because there's no reason to run. You go, Heidi! Tactic #4: A production assistant gave Keith permission to go. The same magical elf, perhaps? Laura rolls her eyes awesomely. Uli says that the designers aren't even allowed to go to the bathroom without somebody following, so things like that don't happen. Keith says he's not going to take this abuse by "rolling over like a puppy", which is what Tim is quoted as saying about him later. There's no way this little ass pimple is able to take on the likes of Tim Gunn, though, so Tim explains that the quote was in reference to the fact that he was expecting a fight when he first brought the news of the ejection to Keith, and that the puppy-rolling was Keith's reaction then. That's all the time we have for this waste of organs. Good job redeeming yourself in the eyes of the public, Keith! I certainly am totally convinced of your innocence after your mass of rambling, incomprehensible stories!
Commercials. Go spend money on this movie about Truman Capote! No, not that one! This other one! Please? We're begging you!
Heidi introduces a very funny clip of Tim befuddling the designers with his extensive vocabulary. I'd love to be all snotty and "Well, I certainly understood everything, because I'm so smart!", but Faux bois (fake wood)? Sturm und Drang (turmoil)? I'd look as blank as the designers. There's a final string of three-dollar words before we rejoin everyone laughing at the reunion. Tim gets a question from e-mail, asking if he himself is a designer. He says that he prefers to educate rather than design, but he does do drawings and sculpture and such. Really? Wow, that's cool. Tim's not the only one with a "idiosyncratic lexicon" of the season. Another hilarious montage follows. Laura referring to several other works as "serious ugly". Shot of her looking amusingly horrified at the reunion. Robert chanting "boring" over and over. Vincent and his disgusting "turns me on". And finally, a brilliant, brilliant series of Bradley's random sound effects, the best of which is him completely ignoring whatever Bonnie's saying to make some sort of popping noise.
The designers are asked how it is to work with Tim. Uli gives the general "yay, Tim!" speech we hear a lot from these guys. But not everyone is complimentary. Heidi reads a quote from Entertainment Weekly. "Tim has been bad-mouthing me ever since the show started, because I didn't choose to bow down to Tim. If he gave me constructive advice, I would thank him. But if he tried other things, I would dismiss him." Before we get into another delude-o-rama from the quote's source, which is OF COURSE Vincent, let's examine it a little. Tim publicly shredded Vincent because he wasn't subservient enough? How many episodes of this show would you have to watch to see what patent bullshit that is? My guess is about three. From any season. Also, note the "I don't have a problem with Tim, as long as he likes my work" tone of that quote. What he's basically saying is that someone's opinion of his work isn't valid unless it happens to be a positive one. Convenient. Vincent says he stands by that quote, because of what people have been telling him that Tim's said on various blogs. Not that Vincent has read any of these blogs, by his own admission. So he's perfectly comfortable making and standing by a quote based entirely on hearsay. Tim duhs that if Vincent hasn't read [Tim's] blog on the Bravo website, he should, because any criticism Tim made was about Vincent's designs; not his character. Don't worry Tim, I'll take up the slack for you. VINCENT IS CRAZY. AND NOT LOVABLY CRAZY. FULL-ON PSYCHOTIC. There.
Heidi continues with Vincent's quote, which refers to the other designers as a bunch of amateurs. Michael points out that getting on the show together would imply that if the other designers are amateur, so is he. Instead of saying anything that would make the tiniest bit of sense, Vincent responds that what he meant by amateur is "not being up to that level of design". Oh, well that clears everything up! Even Alison, who is far kinder than a lot of these other people, is rolling her eyes. Tim asks Laura what she thinks. "I think Vincent's delusional." Atta girl! She goes on to say that it's great that he loves his own work, but disagrees with his opinion about the other designers' work, which was a perfectly polite way of making him sound like an even bigger tool. Well played, Laura. Uli asks if he's such a professional, why is he not, you know, SELLING CLOTHES FOR PROFIT? YOU KNOW, LIKE A BUSINESS? Vincent pulls that move when someone's lost an argument by saying that he's entitled to his opinion. Yes, and other people are entitled to POINT OUT WHAT A FREAKING NUTBAR YOU ARE. I realize I'm shouting, which I guess is my way of hoping the tiniest bit of logic is able to penetrate the mass of tapioca that constitutes his brain. I know I'm crying for the moon. Robert sniffs that "dogging" other people's work is the true mark of an amateur. Bitchy, but deserved. Vincent retreats into garble, saying that it "takes a certain level to be at a certain level." Tim says that he has no idea what Vincent is talking about. Hehe.
Tim introduces a montage of Kayne talking at warp-speed, most notably frightening Miss USA to her core. There's an honest-to-goodness word count flashed on screen, winding up with Kayne's 932 words to Miss USA's seven. Hehehe. There are other scenes of him blathering away intercut with this, along with shots of designers at the reunion giggling along. Kayne laughs that he feels like telling himself to shut up, just as he did (in interview) to Amanda. Heidi has him speed-talk us into the commercials.
Commercials. OhmyGodcanyoubelievethatCaliforniaistryingtopretendlikewe'reallintotheircheese? ImeaneveryoneknowsthatWisconsin'stheplacetobe. Nope. It doesn't roll off my tongue like it does Kayne's.
Tim asks about the public reaction to Malan. He says that it's been really great, and that he's received over two million e-mails. Yowsa. He says if not for that support, he probably wouldn't have had the strength to show at Fashion Week. Heidi confirms that he still did not get any support from his family, which he seems pretty depressed about. Aw. He feels it has a lot to do with his sexuality. Shots of Tim, Robert, and Kayne. Yeah, we get it, show. A viewer wrote in asking about Malan's accent. He says he was raised in Taiwan, Hong Kong, Australia, and the United States, so it's a blend. He laughs that very, ah, unique laugh of his, which Heidi imitates. Heh. They've even got a montage clip of Malan's disturbing laugh. Bonnie tries to imitate it, and fails. Robert says it's like a blend of Cary Grant and Eddie Munster. Not a bad description. Back at the reunion, Malan is delighted, calling it sweet that they dedicated a clip to him. Yeah, no kidding, considering he was second off.
Tim asks which challenge was the most enjoyable. Alison jumps right in with the dog challenge. Yeah, I loved that one. Alison says that the animals made the whole thing really fun. Heidi asks which one was the hardest. People seem to agree that it was the mom challenge. I know I'm redundantly linking all over the place, but did I mention the two giant cups of coffee? Robert says that it was very tough to design plus-sized clothing, and it required the designers to break out of their shell. Heidi adds that unlike usual models, moms actually talk back. Heh. This, of course, leads Robert to add that the challenge was indeed more difficult, because "except for some people", you don't want to make someone else's mom cry. Clip of that whole Jeffrey/Angela/Darlene kerfluffle. Heidi asks if they look at that situation any differently now. Jeffrey's already defiant as he snots "No. It hasn't happened any differently." Angela doesn't really know what to say. Jeffrey says that it was never his intention to make Darlene cry, but that she was never planning to tell him that she didn't like the colors; only criticize him on the runway. Probably true. Angela disputes this, saying that Jeffrey's making it out like Darlene was planning to sabotage him on the runway.
Gnat: "No, you were handling that part yourself."
Jeffrey actually states something that makes his point of view of the situation understandable. He says that Darlene didn't approach him with her problems, because she didn't want to make trouble, and by the time she did voice her opinion, it was too late for him to do anything about it. He didn't appreciate that. I have no trouble believing that this is 100% true. Also true is what Robert says next, so I'll let him do my work for me. "To me, Jeffrey didn't handle it properly in how he spoke to her. I think he knows it, though. Because it's just inappropriate to talk to any client that way." Laura, of all people, brings up a good point in Jeffrey's defense, which is that all the moms except Darlene just let the designers do whatever they wanted. Darlene gave Jeffrey a much harder time. It certainly doesn't excuse the way that Jeffrey acted in that episode, but I'm sure it's true. Tim asks Jeffrey how he would have responded had his mom been on the end of a smackdown. He responds that he would have gone over and "assisted". Oh, and you were doing so well, Jeffrey. This is pure bullshit. He would have thrown a massive tantrum. We all know it. Tim asks if he ever apologized to Darlene, and he says that he never had the chance to. Fishy. Angela confirms that she asked him to apologize the morning of the runway show, and he said "I'm not apologizing to anybody". So...here we are at the reunion. This has all been rehashed, and he's admitted that he never apologized. Everyone around him seems to feel that an apology is called for. Pop quiz, hotshot. You're in this situation. You, as a normal human being:
a) Read the damn room and apologize now.
b) Stick to your guns, and say that you don't feel you owe anybody an apology.
c) Completely wuss out, and mutter something about "circumstances" and "stress".
Scoresheet:
a) Congratulations. You have correctly diffused the situation. Even if you don't mean a word of your apology, you know that sometimes your image being redeemed is more important than your wounded pride.
b) Your social skills need some work, but at least nobody can accuse you of inconsistency. Perhaps people won't like you for it, but hey, you're standing by your principles. Can't please everyone.
c) You're not only an asshole, but a stupid asshole. Put away your jeweled sunglasses and your neck tattoos, pussy. You're about as hardcore as Rainbow Brite.
Angela ruins this, of course, by pretending that she and Jeffrey would be best friends if not for the mom challenge. People laugh in her face, as they should. Tim segues into what he calls one of the "scariest" moments of the season, which didn't even make it on camera. You've probably seen it by now. If not:
Yeah, he's totally professional. And it actually goes on longer than that. This is what cracks me up about the people who never tire of whining that it's all the editor's fault that they came off poorly. It's slightly understandable. Certainly, if you took all the parts of a competition that I acted stressed and bitchy, strung them together, and showed only that, you wouldn't get a complete picture of what I'm like. BUT. They can't show you acting bitchy (crazy, weird, stupid, etc.) if you DON'T ACT LIKE THAT. They didn't CGI you being a twat, Zulema. They didn't dub in an actor's voice yelling at well-meaning locals, Hayden (and by the way, please purchase a bra -- there are several stores where this can be accomplished). They didn't spin your snide attitude out of magic dust and pixie wings, Tiffani. My coffee buzz is wearing off. I'm sad now.
Commercials. Men should act like men. OK, Milwaukee's Best Light. I'm going to assert my masculinity by telling you that your commercials are the dumbest fucking things I've ever seen in my life, and I wouldn't drink your swill if Ken Ryker were dancing naked above it.
It's time to announce the winner of the "fan favorite" competition. Michael. Yay! Two special guests have the giant toy check for him: Nina and Michael Kors. Laura makes fun of the check. Hehe. Michael's thrilled and gratified. Kors and Nina take seats next to Tim, who says that fashion is "subjective" and "boils down to a matter of taste". Hey, does something smell like unfermented ass-covering in here? But first, they talk about the scoring system in general. The designs are scored on a scale from 1 (awful) to 5 (wonderful). The scores are then added. After the question and answer section, the scores may change. Nina says she judges by whatever the particular challenge called for. Kors says that he tries to judge the challenges separately, rather than by someone's overall body of work. Based on the number of "this is a nice dress, but your other work is too similar to it" thrown at these designers (Uli in particular), I'm going to have to call bullshit on that one. Tim says that the designers can ask the judges questions about their motivations for particular decisions. Interesting.
Angela asks that had her "story" been different in the dog challenge, would the judges have hated the garment so much? This is actually a really good question. That outfit was hideous from head to toe, of course, but the judges really pounced on how inappropriate the clothing was, given the (admittedly stupid) art-camp-for-kids story behind it. They let her in on the fact that they wouldn't have liked the outfit anyway. The words "hoochie" and "hooker" feature prominently. Kayne starts off with a legitimate question about his couture dress. Would the judges have liked it more if it had been a solid color? Michael Kors begins to respond in the affirmative, but Kayne's inner drama queen can't be contained for that long, and interrupts with a tangent about how there wasn't a wide enough fabric selection, and that he's gotten nothing but positive feedback on that dress, and blah blah HOW DARE YOU NOT LIKE MY WORK! NO MORE WIRE HANGERS! Kors snippily responds that it's a matter of taste, and if people want to do over-the-top designs, that's wonderful, but they still have to find the best way to present that aesthetic. Zing!
Tim brings up the controversial judging in the recycling challenge. That ass-covering smell is getting stronger. He asks Alison how she felt about her elimination. She says she's moved beyond it at this point, but at the time, she liked it on the dress form. It didn't work out on the runway, however. So she's essentially agreeing with her booting. Michael Kors tells her she should have changed what needed changing when the dress was transferred to Alexandria from the mannequin. Um, she didn't disagree with you, ass. And it would have fallen to bits if she had tried to do that. Besides, the controversy from that judging wasn't that Alison's dress didn't suck, because it kind of did. The controversy is that Vincent's dress was far, far worse. Note that this is never addressed, so it's just as much bullshit as it was when they tried to cover up Santino's shitty lingerie line. Whatever. Laura asks if they feel like they've ever made a mistake in judging. Do they ever see an old episode and think they judged too hastily? Michael Kors says "No" after not one iota of hesitation. Anyone who thinks they've never made a mistake in their work -- is not very good at their work. I'll leave it at that.
Heidi transitions into some wacky problems they had during certain judgings. Clip of the smoke alarm going off during the runway questioning session in the black and white challenge. Nobody moves. They're lucky there wasn't a real fire. The funniest bit is when they think it's stopped; the second Nina goes back to criticizing the designers, it starts again. Hehehe. Clip of Marilinda feeling faint during the freestyle challenge. Clip of Amanda feeling faint in the dog challenge. And the recycling challenge. Note that all of those challenges were ones in which the model's designer didn't do well. Coincidence? I THINK NOT. Clip of Jeffrey letting a massive fart out. But we don't see him. It's just a noise emanating from behind the silhouette screen on the runway. Hahahahaha! He farts again as the designers emerge, and Vincent chastises him, which cracks everybody at the reunion up.
Commercials. Hey, you don't have to sell Ben and Jerry's to me. I'm sold already.
The four finalists have left, and the remaining designers are asked who they think will win. Bonnie finds it hard to pick a favorite, but likes Uli's work. Robert thinks Laura's the dark horse. Katie picks Michael. Alison says Michael and Jeffrey are her top choices. Kayne thinks Michael and Laura will be the top two. Keith feels Jeffrey is the most innovative, but Uli has a great perspective. Angela and Vincent can't pick a favorite. Heidi introduces a clip of what previous seasons' designers think. Jay picks Michael, and his reasoning is... Well, see the breakdown here. Gay white guy wins. Asian immigrant wins. Black guy wins. It's the natural progression of reality programming. Note he doesn't say one word about design talent, and while I don't like Jay in general, that was brilliant. Chloe wants Michael to win. And why shouldn't she? He might not have even made it into the competition were it not for her. Kara says Uli's going to have a strong showing. Hehehe. I swear I'm not laughing because they're the same person as far as Reality Show Archetypes go. OK, I am. Danzzz picks Uli, too. Daniel Franco chooses Laura. Robert P. says something dumb said only for attention's sake, so I'm going to omit his quote just out of spite. And that's it. Heidi thanks everyone, and signs off by pretending to kiss Tim on the lips. Oh, just do it!
Next week on Project Runway: Tim visits designers. Jeffrey has an ugly mullet, but an enormous design space. Tim encounters turtle feces. Uli's models are hungover and aren't showing up for fittings. Laura formally accuses Jeffrey of cheating. You heard me.
Overall Grade: B
Saturday, October 07, 2006
The Girls Who Go To Texas
America's Next Top Model - Season 7, Episode 3
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Makeover drama. Most of which came from the always irritating OJ. Melrose and Monique hated each other. I guess the show would like us to pretend that everyone else in the house thinks Monique is a big, fluffy kitty. Megan refused to burst into tears at the drop of a moving wig, and she was sent home. Eleven girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Model pad. The girls have set up a mattress-surfing contraption on the stairs, and have all sorts of fun sliding down. I'm sure it's a little different from the mattress-surfing they usually do. Ba-zing! Jaeda misses her hair, but vows not to screw up the opportunity she has by continuing to freak out over it. Progress! AJ and Melrose agree that either Monique or Eugena should have gone home last week, because of their terrible attitudes. Welcome to "reality" television, ladies, where terrible attitudes are the inside track to making it to the final four. Melrose interviews that Monique has lashed out at everyone there. Well, not everyone, because she knows that Michelle could kick her ass five ways from Sunday, despite weighing forty-five pounds.
The girls climb into the Monster Escalade, and get some Tyra Mail about "watching their step" and being "on the line". Someone concludes from this that they're going bungee-jumping. No, but I can't wait for the inevitable day when that's the photo shoot. Melrose says she always tries to figure out what the Tyra Mail means, because "nothing that [they] do there is pointless." Hahahahahaha! Good one, Melrose. The girls walk into, like, someone's backyard, and find Miss J rigged up to a tightrope. Sort of. There are straps to hold onto to make sure you don't fall. Brooke interviews that Miss J is a royal mess. Hehehe. He walks across (in a black tutu, of course), then tells the girls that they'll be learning about balance and posture this week. All the girls walk the rope, and it's really boring. Insert more Monique hates Melrose hates Monique hates Melrose blah blah blah.
More Tyra Mail awaits the girls back at the model pad. It tells them that tomorrow, they'll "rock their own line". Melrose gets onto the phone with her mom, and Monique comes in, saying she called first dibs on it or whatever. It's funny that after the shit she pulled last week, Monique expects her sworn enemy to be like "Really? Oh, I'm so sorry! Here, take it!" Melrose, of course, won't give it up, though she's a lot more polite about it than she could have been. Monique just keeps on blathering, and Melrose says "this is the girl I was talking about" into the phone. Hehehe. I bet that killed Monique. I wonder if I would like Melrose half as much if Monique weren't around. The enemy of my enemy and all that. Melrose shuts the door to the phone room, physically pushing Monique out. Brooke sees which way the wind is blowing and basically begs them not to stir all that shit up again. Brooke's a sweetie. Monique walks away, more because she's a big puss than because she's ceding the point. When Melrose exits the phone room, Monique is lying in wait, and intentionally bumps her shoulder as she walks by. Melrose laughs, because Monique is about as intimidating as a Strawberry Shortcake coloring book. Monique complains to the only two people who will listen about what a bitch Melrose is: her mom and Eugena. I don't just mean the two people she currently has access to. Those are literally the only two people in the world who wouldn't be all "Fuck off". Eugena interviews that Monique gets stressed out too easily, and that this competition may be too much for her. No kidding. I doubt Monique could get through a game of Chinese Checkers without throwing a tantrum.
To "get back" at Melrose over the whole phone thing, Monique tells Eugena she's going to rub her stank underwear all over Melrose's bed. Shot of Melrose going to bed. Um...with a towel still wrapped around her wet hair. Do women actually do that? Anyway, Monique follows through on this threat by...lightly swabbing a tiny area of the comforter. So she not only doesn't have the balls to confront Melrose, but she can't even touch an area of the bed that Melrose will come into contact with. Yeah, you're scary. Melrose wakes up for about two seconds, but basically doesn't care. Jaeda is far more grossed out. The girls worry that Monique will come in the night and do stupid crap like pour lemonade on them. It's a distinct possibility. Commercials.
When we return, Monique is bragging to Anchal, who's like "Fuck off". See? Anchal's basically tired of both of them. Melrose tells Michelle (or Amanda) that's she not scared, because she's had lots of girls attack her before. Is that really something to brag about? Brooke's just excited for the challenge.
Veruca (splayed out on the bed, breast feeding): "Put in there that I like Brooke."
The girls are dropped off at the challenge, where they meet Miss J and Bre (from season 5), who looks ridiculous. She's dyed her hair brick red, which makes her look like Ronald McDonald's love child. There's a straight line marked on the ground (which is made of cobblestones), and the girls will have to put on gowns, high heels, and masquerade masks to walk it. Michelle interviews that the masks limit their sight severely, so the girls will be essentially blind as they do their high-heeled walk on cobblestones. Yeeks. Most of the girls stumble quite a bit, and I cringe in sympathy pain. Walking on uneven pavement is how I sprained my ankle, and I can see that happening here all too easily. AJ has no problems whatsoever, interviewing that she just naturally tends to walk in a straight line. Monique and Brooke do good jobs as well. Miss J gathers the girls, and says that the winner will be flown to Austin, Texas to do a fashion show that raises money for some Dennis-Quaid-endorsed charity. Hey, as long as it's not Randy Quaid, I'm happy. Brooke gets all excited, because she's from Texas, and would love to go home. Not that she'll get to see anything or anyone that she knows, but her excitement is rather cute. AJ is declared the winner, and gets to pick two girls to go with her. Brooke practically begs, and AJ kind of bitchily chooses Megg (who thinks this'll be rock and roll, because she's HARDCORE) and CariDee instead. Not that she owes it to Brooke or anything, but still. Throw the girl a bone. Brooke gets misty as she interviews that she really wanted to go. Aw.
Back at the model pad, Monique tells us that she started to feel really ill. Yeah, that'll happen when you have fire ants where your soul should be. Melrose thinks her "negative energy" is "breeding on itself". The next morning, AJ, Megg, and CariDee get on their plane for Texas. I will say that going to model in a fashion show put on by an actual celebrity is a way better challenge prize than these girls usually get. Once they get there, they meet up with a bunch of other models who will be walking in the show. Cycle 4's Rebecca (also known as Splat!), Coryn from Cycle 5 (who has finally introduced her eyebrows to some tweezers, thank God), April from Cycle 2, Fucking Shannon from Cycle 1, Mercedes from Cycle 2, Brittany from Cycle 4, and Camille from Cycle 2. Camille tells our current girls that she's in a new country every month. Yeah, maybe if she's a flight attendant now. Dennis Quaid comes out to meet them, and they pretty much melt. Hehe. The fashion show starts. Megg sucks, of course, though she calls the experience rock n' roll, because she's so HARDCORE. Fucking Shannon is still slack-jawed lo these many years later. Also, I would be remiss if I didn't mention that CariDee sniffs her palm backstage, like she just farted on it or something. She does a ridiculously spazzy turn on the runway. CariDee is one of those girls I don't like, but I feel bad for not liking. She seems like a nice enough sort, but she's so exhaustingly incompetent.
Back at the model pad, the other girls discover some Tyra Mail that reads "Time to walk the plank", and someone says that they'll be dressed up as pirates. Heh. No, but I'm sure that'll pop up in a season or two. Brooke goes in to check on Monique and ask her if she can get her anything. Aw. Brooke is certainly nicer than I would be to her. Brooke and Eugena interview that Monique looks like death, and she's going to go to the hospital. She does indeed get driven there, and wanders into the hospital, the emergency entrance of which looking like it's under massive construction. Shouldn't the emergency entrance be, you know, ACCESSIBLE? Commercials.
When we return, Monique interviews how horrific the hospital was, but all we see is her coming straight back home, and hearing that she's dehydrated and needs to get some fluids into her system. OK. I'm sure being dehydrated is no fun, but it's not like she's got heartworm or something. She still looks like hell in the morning, but drags herself to the Monster Escalade anyway. AJ, Megg, and CariDee come back, and head straight for the photo shoot. OJ meets all the girls at the shoot, and introduces them to two designers, whose work they'll be wearing. One of the designers tells them that the clothes are fragile, so they can't move around a lot. Too bad, Megg. I'm sure you wanted to do some headbanging, being so HARDCORE and all. Hair and makeup. Monique gives up having the strength to do the shoot, turns around, and gets driven right back to the model pad. Michelle holds no quarter with that, remembering that Danielle (in cycle 6) had an IV at one point, and made it to the shoot where she had to ride an elephant. I'll also mention that Joanie had her teeth yanked out and made it to the shoot, and let's not forget the whole food poisoning thing.
OJ tells the girls they're beginning to look like real models, and takes them to look at the runway. It's a series of boards suspended over a swimming pool. Megg pumps her arms in the air a lot. Know why? She's so HARDCORE! I knew you'd get it. OJ pretends that shows like this are not unrealistic. Um...yes, they are. And if he'd told the girls that big fat lie, I wouldn't care, but he's telling us, so allow me to tell him to shut the fuck up yet again. The girls get dressed. The dresses are ugly. The show starts. Hey, there's even a little audience to watch. The thing about these planks that comprise the runway is that they're not connected. Different sections of it tilt when you step on them, so it's really difficult to keep your balance. The girls are walking in high heels, so really anyone managing to stay upright is deserving of some serious respect, here. Brooke goes first. She's got the unfortunate distinction of being totally pretty in real life and in interviews, but looking kind of fug in her photos. She manages to get out and back without falling. Yay! Jaeda makes it as well, and I have to admit that she did a really good job this week overall. So...yay! Anchal stumbles quite a bit, but makes it. Yay! CariDee's left boob is hanging entirely out. One of the designers admiringly calls her "so Paris". Well...EXACTLY. When did that become a good thing? She does more ridiculous spazzy arm pumps at the end of the runway. Megg walks really slowly, so as not to fall into the pool, but in doing so, looks really boring. AJ does great. Michelle stumbles a bit, but manages to strike a pose at the end of the runway. Amanda does fine. Eugena. Ah, Eugena. Eugena is the one girl that doesn't quite make it back. Her foot slides on the runway, and she goes down, racking her knee against the side as she slips partway into the pool. Ouch. Melrose has the toughest outfit to walk in. It's a really long, flowy skirt. And she does great. She wobbles a tiny bit, but never loses concentration. Even OJ is impressed. He's not through torturing them, so he makes them do a final walk with multiple girls on the runway at the same time. On wobbling, wet, narrow planks. Even the background music could best be described as "Check Out These Crazy Bitches".
Back at the model pad, Eugena tells Monique how difficult the shoot was. Some Tyra Mail announces the upcoming elimination. The girls hash out who they think may be going. Jaeda isn't sure, but suspects Eugena blew the hardest at the photo shoot. Other girls talk about how they would have done the shoot no matter how sick they were, as Monique sits outside in a floppy sun hat, reading the Bible. It cracks me up how holy she thinks she is. Maybe Mary and Joseph weren't allowed to stay at the inn because Mary pretended to pee on someone's bed. She doesn't know how she's going to explain herself to the judges. I can't work up even the tiniest iota of caring. Commercials.
Tellingly, there's no portrait of Tyra as we enter the Chamber of Doom this evening. Methinks the lady doth not want to fly headlong into a pool and ruin her wig. The guest judge this week is one of the clothing designers from the photo shoot. There's also a final challenge. The girls will have to balance a bowl of fruit on their heads, and walk up to the judges' table and back. Mostly everyone sucks. AJ does well, as she has done with all the tasks this week. Jaeda also. Well done! I have no idea where this soft spot for Jaeda has come from, yet here it is. Eugena and Monique are so-so. Brooke lets the fruit slide right off her head, then finishes her walk with a smile. Hee. Now, it's time for individual photo evaluations. Jaeda is up first. Tyra feels her body pose isn't strong, but Twiggy disagrees, saying that Jaeda really sold the outfit. I'm just impressed with the fact that she's posing for the camera, and doesn't look like "Am I about to fall into this water?" at all. Amanda's is fine. Michelle's walk was sloppy, but her photo is good. Megg is HARDCORE. CariDee is fun in her incompetence. Whatever, Tyra. Her photo is awful. Tyra loves it, but no. She's winking at the camera, and looks like a deluded mental patient who just woke up to find drool all over her straitjacket. She's entering Baby Jane territory. And keep in mind that this is her best shot. Bleh. Twiggy finds Monique vacant. The judges tell her people won't care in the real world that she's sick. They say that she'll be judged tonight on previous performances and overall potential. Melrose. The judges love her photo, saying that she pulled off looking pissed off and gorgeous simultaneously. For the second week in a row, the judges like Brooke's photo, whereas I think it's really pretty bad. But since I like Brooke, I don't mind. AJ did a fantastic job of looking like she's on solid ground. Anchal did poorly at the final challenge, and the judges think her photo is meh. Eugena sucks. Again. We see her bloodied knee. Ew. Twiggy finds all of her photos disappointing. The girls are dismissed.
Deliberations. Michelle is more impressive in photos than in person. Jaeda is the most improved. Amanda is fine. Anchal is unique. AJ rocked everything today. Megg sucks, but Tyra likes her. Brooke is a cutie pie. Melrose looks like a real model. Eugena's sparkle doesn't show. Nigel thinks she's a dead fish, and Miss J thinks even a dead fish shows more vitality. CariDee is giving "model". I think she's giving "suck". At least the guest judge recognizes that she's a spaz. Monique is pretty, but the judges feel like she doesn't want to be here. This leads into perhaps the funniest thing I've ever seen on the judging panel. Tyra and all the judges break into a full-on, Reverend Horton Heatish gospel song entitled "She Don't Wanna Be Here!" I can't even begin to do it justice, so here:
Elimination. AJ is cut. Just kidding! She's actually the first one declared safe. Jaeda. Brooke. Anchal. Michelle. Melrose. Megg. Amanda. CariDee. She spazzes, of course. Will Eugena and Monique please step forward? You both suck ass. But one of you sucks ass to a slightly lesser degree. And that person is...Eugena. Oh, thank God. Monique just turns around walks out without saying a word to anyone. Eat it, bitch. And her final interview? Allow me to paraphrase: "Wah wah wah I hate Melrose". She felt her whole time there was wasted, and NO KIDDING. Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya, snatch. Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Girls shower together. Melrose is the house mommy again. Anchal overhears some gossip about herself, and weeps piteously. It's like the worst version of junior high in that place. Actually, my junior high was the worst, but I'll bet the model pad is a close second.
Overall Grade: B+
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Makeover drama. Most of which came from the always irritating OJ. Melrose and Monique hated each other. I guess the show would like us to pretend that everyone else in the house thinks Monique is a big, fluffy kitty. Megan refused to burst into tears at the drop of a moving wig, and she was sent home. Eleven girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Model pad. The girls have set up a mattress-surfing contraption on the stairs, and have all sorts of fun sliding down. I'm sure it's a little different from the mattress-surfing they usually do. Ba-zing! Jaeda misses her hair, but vows not to screw up the opportunity she has by continuing to freak out over it. Progress! AJ and Melrose agree that either Monique or Eugena should have gone home last week, because of their terrible attitudes. Welcome to "reality" television, ladies, where terrible attitudes are the inside track to making it to the final four. Melrose interviews that Monique has lashed out at everyone there. Well, not everyone, because she knows that Michelle could kick her ass five ways from Sunday, despite weighing forty-five pounds.
The girls climb into the Monster Escalade, and get some Tyra Mail about "watching their step" and being "on the line". Someone concludes from this that they're going bungee-jumping. No, but I can't wait for the inevitable day when that's the photo shoot. Melrose says she always tries to figure out what the Tyra Mail means, because "nothing that [they] do there is pointless." Hahahahahaha! Good one, Melrose. The girls walk into, like, someone's backyard, and find Miss J rigged up to a tightrope. Sort of. There are straps to hold onto to make sure you don't fall. Brooke interviews that Miss J is a royal mess. Hehehe. He walks across (in a black tutu, of course), then tells the girls that they'll be learning about balance and posture this week. All the girls walk the rope, and it's really boring. Insert more Monique hates Melrose hates Monique hates Melrose blah blah blah.
More Tyra Mail awaits the girls back at the model pad. It tells them that tomorrow, they'll "rock their own line". Melrose gets onto the phone with her mom, and Monique comes in, saying she called first dibs on it or whatever. It's funny that after the shit she pulled last week, Monique expects her sworn enemy to be like "Really? Oh, I'm so sorry! Here, take it!" Melrose, of course, won't give it up, though she's a lot more polite about it than she could have been. Monique just keeps on blathering, and Melrose says "this is the girl I was talking about" into the phone. Hehehe. I bet that killed Monique. I wonder if I would like Melrose half as much if Monique weren't around. The enemy of my enemy and all that. Melrose shuts the door to the phone room, physically pushing Monique out. Brooke sees which way the wind is blowing and basically begs them not to stir all that shit up again. Brooke's a sweetie. Monique walks away, more because she's a big puss than because she's ceding the point. When Melrose exits the phone room, Monique is lying in wait, and intentionally bumps her shoulder as she walks by. Melrose laughs, because Monique is about as intimidating as a Strawberry Shortcake coloring book. Monique complains to the only two people who will listen about what a bitch Melrose is: her mom and Eugena. I don't just mean the two people she currently has access to. Those are literally the only two people in the world who wouldn't be all "Fuck off". Eugena interviews that Monique gets stressed out too easily, and that this competition may be too much for her. No kidding. I doubt Monique could get through a game of Chinese Checkers without throwing a tantrum.
To "get back" at Melrose over the whole phone thing, Monique tells Eugena she's going to rub her stank underwear all over Melrose's bed. Shot of Melrose going to bed. Um...with a towel still wrapped around her wet hair. Do women actually do that? Anyway, Monique follows through on this threat by...lightly swabbing a tiny area of the comforter. So she not only doesn't have the balls to confront Melrose, but she can't even touch an area of the bed that Melrose will come into contact with. Yeah, you're scary. Melrose wakes up for about two seconds, but basically doesn't care. Jaeda is far more grossed out. The girls worry that Monique will come in the night and do stupid crap like pour lemonade on them. It's a distinct possibility. Commercials.
When we return, Monique is bragging to Anchal, who's like "Fuck off". See? Anchal's basically tired of both of them. Melrose tells Michelle (or Amanda) that's she not scared, because she's had lots of girls attack her before. Is that really something to brag about? Brooke's just excited for the challenge.
Veruca (splayed out on the bed, breast feeding): "Put in there that I like Brooke."
The girls are dropped off at the challenge, where they meet Miss J and Bre (from season 5), who looks ridiculous. She's dyed her hair brick red, which makes her look like Ronald McDonald's love child. There's a straight line marked on the ground (which is made of cobblestones), and the girls will have to put on gowns, high heels, and masquerade masks to walk it. Michelle interviews that the masks limit their sight severely, so the girls will be essentially blind as they do their high-heeled walk on cobblestones. Yeeks. Most of the girls stumble quite a bit, and I cringe in sympathy pain. Walking on uneven pavement is how I sprained my ankle, and I can see that happening here all too easily. AJ has no problems whatsoever, interviewing that she just naturally tends to walk in a straight line. Monique and Brooke do good jobs as well. Miss J gathers the girls, and says that the winner will be flown to Austin, Texas to do a fashion show that raises money for some Dennis-Quaid-endorsed charity. Hey, as long as it's not Randy Quaid, I'm happy. Brooke gets all excited, because she's from Texas, and would love to go home. Not that she'll get to see anything or anyone that she knows, but her excitement is rather cute. AJ is declared the winner, and gets to pick two girls to go with her. Brooke practically begs, and AJ kind of bitchily chooses Megg (who thinks this'll be rock and roll, because she's HARDCORE) and CariDee instead. Not that she owes it to Brooke or anything, but still. Throw the girl a bone. Brooke gets misty as she interviews that she really wanted to go. Aw.
Back at the model pad, Monique tells us that she started to feel really ill. Yeah, that'll happen when you have fire ants where your soul should be. Melrose thinks her "negative energy" is "breeding on itself". The next morning, AJ, Megg, and CariDee get on their plane for Texas. I will say that going to model in a fashion show put on by an actual celebrity is a way better challenge prize than these girls usually get. Once they get there, they meet up with a bunch of other models who will be walking in the show. Cycle 4's Rebecca (also known as Splat!), Coryn from Cycle 5 (who has finally introduced her eyebrows to some tweezers, thank God), April from Cycle 2, Fucking Shannon from Cycle 1, Mercedes from Cycle 2, Brittany from Cycle 4, and Camille from Cycle 2. Camille tells our current girls that she's in a new country every month. Yeah, maybe if she's a flight attendant now. Dennis Quaid comes out to meet them, and they pretty much melt. Hehe. The fashion show starts. Megg sucks, of course, though she calls the experience rock n' roll, because she's so HARDCORE. Fucking Shannon is still slack-jawed lo these many years later. Also, I would be remiss if I didn't mention that CariDee sniffs her palm backstage, like she just farted on it or something. She does a ridiculously spazzy turn on the runway. CariDee is one of those girls I don't like, but I feel bad for not liking. She seems like a nice enough sort, but she's so exhaustingly incompetent.
Back at the model pad, the other girls discover some Tyra Mail that reads "Time to walk the plank", and someone says that they'll be dressed up as pirates. Heh. No, but I'm sure that'll pop up in a season or two. Brooke goes in to check on Monique and ask her if she can get her anything. Aw. Brooke is certainly nicer than I would be to her. Brooke and Eugena interview that Monique looks like death, and she's going to go to the hospital. She does indeed get driven there, and wanders into the hospital, the emergency entrance of which looking like it's under massive construction. Shouldn't the emergency entrance be, you know, ACCESSIBLE? Commercials.
When we return, Monique interviews how horrific the hospital was, but all we see is her coming straight back home, and hearing that she's dehydrated and needs to get some fluids into her system. OK. I'm sure being dehydrated is no fun, but it's not like she's got heartworm or something. She still looks like hell in the morning, but drags herself to the Monster Escalade anyway. AJ, Megg, and CariDee come back, and head straight for the photo shoot. OJ meets all the girls at the shoot, and introduces them to two designers, whose work they'll be wearing. One of the designers tells them that the clothes are fragile, so they can't move around a lot. Too bad, Megg. I'm sure you wanted to do some headbanging, being so HARDCORE and all. Hair and makeup. Monique gives up having the strength to do the shoot, turns around, and gets driven right back to the model pad. Michelle holds no quarter with that, remembering that Danielle (in cycle 6) had an IV at one point, and made it to the shoot where she had to ride an elephant. I'll also mention that Joanie had her teeth yanked out and made it to the shoot, and let's not forget the whole food poisoning thing.
OJ tells the girls they're beginning to look like real models, and takes them to look at the runway. It's a series of boards suspended over a swimming pool. Megg pumps her arms in the air a lot. Know why? She's so HARDCORE! I knew you'd get it. OJ pretends that shows like this are not unrealistic. Um...yes, they are. And if he'd told the girls that big fat lie, I wouldn't care, but he's telling us, so allow me to tell him to shut the fuck up yet again. The girls get dressed. The dresses are ugly. The show starts. Hey, there's even a little audience to watch. The thing about these planks that comprise the runway is that they're not connected. Different sections of it tilt when you step on them, so it's really difficult to keep your balance. The girls are walking in high heels, so really anyone managing to stay upright is deserving of some serious respect, here. Brooke goes first. She's got the unfortunate distinction of being totally pretty in real life and in interviews, but looking kind of fug in her photos. She manages to get out and back without falling. Yay! Jaeda makes it as well, and I have to admit that she did a really good job this week overall. So...yay! Anchal stumbles quite a bit, but makes it. Yay! CariDee's left boob is hanging entirely out. One of the designers admiringly calls her "so Paris". Well...EXACTLY. When did that become a good thing? She does more ridiculous spazzy arm pumps at the end of the runway. Megg walks really slowly, so as not to fall into the pool, but in doing so, looks really boring. AJ does great. Michelle stumbles a bit, but manages to strike a pose at the end of the runway. Amanda does fine. Eugena. Ah, Eugena. Eugena is the one girl that doesn't quite make it back. Her foot slides on the runway, and she goes down, racking her knee against the side as she slips partway into the pool. Ouch. Melrose has the toughest outfit to walk in. It's a really long, flowy skirt. And she does great. She wobbles a tiny bit, but never loses concentration. Even OJ is impressed. He's not through torturing them, so he makes them do a final walk with multiple girls on the runway at the same time. On wobbling, wet, narrow planks. Even the background music could best be described as "Check Out These Crazy Bitches".
Back at the model pad, Eugena tells Monique how difficult the shoot was. Some Tyra Mail announces the upcoming elimination. The girls hash out who they think may be going. Jaeda isn't sure, but suspects Eugena blew the hardest at the photo shoot. Other girls talk about how they would have done the shoot no matter how sick they were, as Monique sits outside in a floppy sun hat, reading the Bible. It cracks me up how holy she thinks she is. Maybe Mary and Joseph weren't allowed to stay at the inn because Mary pretended to pee on someone's bed. She doesn't know how she's going to explain herself to the judges. I can't work up even the tiniest iota of caring. Commercials.
Tellingly, there's no portrait of Tyra as we enter the Chamber of Doom this evening. Methinks the lady doth not want to fly headlong into a pool and ruin her wig. The guest judge this week is one of the clothing designers from the photo shoot. There's also a final challenge. The girls will have to balance a bowl of fruit on their heads, and walk up to the judges' table and back. Mostly everyone sucks. AJ does well, as she has done with all the tasks this week. Jaeda also. Well done! I have no idea where this soft spot for Jaeda has come from, yet here it is. Eugena and Monique are so-so. Brooke lets the fruit slide right off her head, then finishes her walk with a smile. Hee. Now, it's time for individual photo evaluations. Jaeda is up first. Tyra feels her body pose isn't strong, but Twiggy disagrees, saying that Jaeda really sold the outfit. I'm just impressed with the fact that she's posing for the camera, and doesn't look like "Am I about to fall into this water?" at all. Amanda's is fine. Michelle's walk was sloppy, but her photo is good. Megg is HARDCORE. CariDee is fun in her incompetence. Whatever, Tyra. Her photo is awful. Tyra loves it, but no. She's winking at the camera, and looks like a deluded mental patient who just woke up to find drool all over her straitjacket. She's entering Baby Jane territory. And keep in mind that this is her best shot. Bleh. Twiggy finds Monique vacant. The judges tell her people won't care in the real world that she's sick. They say that she'll be judged tonight on previous performances and overall potential. Melrose. The judges love her photo, saying that she pulled off looking pissed off and gorgeous simultaneously. For the second week in a row, the judges like Brooke's photo, whereas I think it's really pretty bad. But since I like Brooke, I don't mind. AJ did a fantastic job of looking like she's on solid ground. Anchal did poorly at the final challenge, and the judges think her photo is meh. Eugena sucks. Again. We see her bloodied knee. Ew. Twiggy finds all of her photos disappointing. The girls are dismissed.
Deliberations. Michelle is more impressive in photos than in person. Jaeda is the most improved. Amanda is fine. Anchal is unique. AJ rocked everything today. Megg sucks, but Tyra likes her. Brooke is a cutie pie. Melrose looks like a real model. Eugena's sparkle doesn't show. Nigel thinks she's a dead fish, and Miss J thinks even a dead fish shows more vitality. CariDee is giving "model". I think she's giving "suck". At least the guest judge recognizes that she's a spaz. Monique is pretty, but the judges feel like she doesn't want to be here. This leads into perhaps the funniest thing I've ever seen on the judging panel. Tyra and all the judges break into a full-on, Reverend Horton Heatish gospel song entitled "She Don't Wanna Be Here!" I can't even begin to do it justice, so here:
Elimination. AJ is cut. Just kidding! She's actually the first one declared safe. Jaeda. Brooke. Anchal. Michelle. Melrose. Megg. Amanda. CariDee. She spazzes, of course. Will Eugena and Monique please step forward? You both suck ass. But one of you sucks ass to a slightly lesser degree. And that person is...Eugena. Oh, thank God. Monique just turns around walks out without saying a word to anyone. Eat it, bitch. And her final interview? Allow me to paraphrase: "Wah wah wah I hate Melrose". She felt her whole time there was wasted, and NO KIDDING. Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya, snatch. Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Girls shower together. Melrose is the house mommy again. Anchal overhears some gossip about herself, and weeps piteously. It's like the worst version of junior high in that place. Actually, my junior high was the worst, but I'll bet the model pad is a close second.
Overall Grade: B+
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Oh, Wow! It's Like One of Those Things You See on TV!
The Amazing Race - Season 10, Episode 3
Previously on The Amazing Race: Ten teams left China for the expanse of Mongolia. Kimberly and Kandice learned that you can lead a horse to water, but you can't stop him from kicking your ass all over the place. Peter and Sarah couldn't "control their beast" (ew), but managed to surge into first place. Mary twisted her ankle, and some losers proved how loserly they are by losing. Nine teams remain. Who will be eliminated next?
Opening credits. Rob and Kimberly run along the beach. Not shown? The fact that they're each probably looking for a good place to dig a shallow grave for the other.
Mongolia. Phil, perhaps telepathically picking up my wishes, skips all his usual opening blather, and cuts right to Peter and Sarah, leaving the mat at 6:54 AM. Their clue tells them to get their asses to Hanoi, Vietnam, where they will make their way to a prison "infamously" known as the Hanoi Hilton. From what I've heard about the downslide of actual Hiltons, they're not much better than prisons by this point, anyway. It's probably Paris' fault. Sarah also reads that teams are getting no money for this leg of the race. No, really! In three legs of this race, the teams have only gotten $105 total. And that has to cover all cabs, goods, food (not eaten at pitstops), etc. In other words, lack of money actually has to figure into the teams' planning in a way that it didn't in previous seasons. It's yet another improvement in a long list that is really making this season quite a joy so far. Anyway, all the teams have to buy their airline tickets at a specific travel agency in a specific hotel. Peter and Sarah hop into their Russian jeep and go. Sarah interviews for what seems like the millionth time that her hydraulic knee is leaking fluid, so it's difficult for her to run. I'm sympathetic, but we get it now. Seriously.
Tyler and James leave the mat at 7:07 AM. Tyler says (and really, he always appears to be the one that interviews -- have we heard more than a few sentences out of James yet?) that the two of them have bickered a little bit, but haven't really fought, so they're able to concentrate on the race. Duke and Lauren leave at 7:45 AM. Lauren reads the clue, and you can already hear the "oh shit" in her voice when she gets to the part about no money being given. In their car, Duke jovially says "A lot of these girls on the street walk arm in arm! Think they're just friends, or what?". It's hard to describe what a Dad statement that is. He means well, but it's so obvious and embarrassing that you just want the Earth to open and swallow you. Can you tell I spent this past weekend with the family? Duke interviews that the only thing that can change in his relationship with Lauren is his acceptance of her sexuality. Again, I would have preferred (as would Lauren, no doubt) that his acceptance would have been a non-issue from the beginning, but he's clearly trying his best, and that's sweet. He says that his draft number didn't come up for the Vietnam War, so he didn't fight. Several of his friends did, though, and never returned. I can't even imagine that. Good thing all that's behind us, and we don't get into senseless wars anymore! *crickets*
Tom and Terry leave the mat at 7:52 AM. Tom says that they're both very independent people, and they've only been together for two years, so trying to make decisions together is stressful. Even more so when you're in a race, I'd say. LabRat and I couldn't even decide which movie to watch first the other night. In Peter and Sarah's car, she's reading off more of the clue. Not only do they have no money for this leg, but they're not allowed to beg from anyone nor sell anything. Yay! Sarah thinks they're in fairly good shape with forty dollars. Duke and Lauren? Eleven dollars. Eek. Peter and Sarah find the hotel with the travel agency, but it's not open until 9:00 AM. Tyler and James catch up to them. Dustin and Kandice leave the mat at 8:11 AM. Rob and Kimberly are off at 8:13 AM. Dustin and Kandice talk about how they're becoming more confident with directions, which leads to some weird non-sequitur interview in which they talk about overcoming beauty queen stereotypes. Kimberly has a similarly odd interview in which she says that the team's going to have a problem if Rob "chooses to say hurtful things" to her. Except the interview appears to be part of the same one she gave last week after one of their fights. And the fact that they're not fighting right now. And the fact that she yells just as much as he does. But besides that, it makes total sense!
David and Mary leave at 8:16 AM. In a scene symbolic of why I simultaneously like and dislike them, David talks about his father's experiences in Vietnam as he drives. He's conflicted about going there, and as he tries to relate his thoughts, a couple of cars pass them. Mary interrupts him to tell him to hurry up. He's going the fastest the car can go (or the fastest that teams are allowed to go) and tells her so. She snaps that she's not going to lose the race because blah blah blah. He snaps that she can take a look at his speedometer (or as he says it, SPEE-dah-meh-tur). She backs off. I understand that they have a relationship that I can't possibly begin to fully appreciate, but in terms of the show, it always seems like she's pleasant and polite to everyone in the world except the man she's supposed to love more than anyone else in the world. That's not heartening. But it's a minor quibble, and I do like these guys in general. Duke and Lauren arrive at the hotel, with Tom/Terry and Kandice/Dustin right behind them. I didn't realize what a gem of a nickname I stumbled upon when Kandice got dragged by the horse last week, but KanDustin suits them fine, apart from sounding like a small Florida town where they sell beets. Everyone forms a line to get into the travel agency in the order they arrived. David and Mary pull up to the hotel. Erwin and Godwin leave the mat at 8:18 AM. Godwin doesn't even care that much about the competition; he just loves the experience of the race, not to mention racing with his brother. Aw. Rob and Kimberly have to stop for directions.
And now...drama! Well, minor drama. The travel agency opens. Wait, is it 9:00 AM? How could it be? KanDustin left the mat five minutes before Erwin and Godwin, and are already in line. It only appears to be a 10-15 drive from the mat to the hotel, so what have Erwin and Godwin been doing for forty minutes? Weird editing. Anyway, the agency opens, and there are four ticket agents. Naturally, Peter and Sarah grab the first one, Tyler/James the second, and Duke/Lauren the third. Instead of going up to the fourth agent, Tom and Terry wander right past her and stand behind Peter and Sarah. After a beat, KanDustin's like, "Whatever", and walks up to the fourth agent to do business with her. When Tom and Terry realize what's going on, they conclude that KanDustin has "cut the line". Um, nice try. The line was to get into the travel agency. Once you're inside, the line has accomplished its purpose and is disbanded. Tom and Terry are just embarrassed to admit they made a mistake, and are trying to play it off by acting as if KanDustin has just played dirty, which they totally haven't. Terry advises Tom to let it go, but Tom can't help being a whiny queen, and well...whines that he thought he could "trust" KanDustin, and snots to Terry that they won't "win a beauty pageant of kindness". Er... Good one? And remember when Tom brought out that tiresome old chestnut of not wanting to be friends with other teams? Reap what you sow, twit. It's official. I hate Tom and Terry. You know what, scratch that. I just hate Tom. Terry seems relatively inoffensive. What is up with assholes named Tom on TV recently? I feel sorry for my good friend Tom, who manages to carry the name without being a douchebag. Way to be a role model! Anyway, I've really had it up to the eyeballs with the unlikable, whiny, dramatic, prissy, asshole gay guys this show casts. Come on, producers! There are a ton of nice gay men out there! I know a lot of them!
Lyn and Karlyn leave the mat at 9:02 AM. Lyn interviews that they'd love a million dollars, but that the race is very stressful and painful, much like childbirth. Let's hope that's not one of the tasks. Back at the travel agency, everyone works on getting tickets. Rob and Kimberly arrive, followed by Erwin/Godwin and Lyn/Karlyn. All of the teams get the exact same tickets, so that whole line dustup was completely pointless. At the airport, David tends to Mary's ailing ankle. They hope they'll be able to still manage the tasks. The plane takes off.
Hanoi. As with most of the places we see on this show, it's beautiful. I haven't traveled in a while, and I can feel the old wanderlust kicking in. The plane lands at 10:58 PM. Everyone rushes out of the airport to look for a taxi. KanDustin gets a good jump. They figure they'll have to pay the driver at least ten dollars, and they have twenty-four. Uh oh, Duke and Lauren. Rob/Kimberly, Tyler/James, and Peter/Sarah grab taxis. Duke and Lauren hail a cab, having found themselves a helper on the plane. She lives in Hanoi, and is going to ride with them and help communicate where the taxi driver needs to go. There's a problem, though, because she has to go back into the airport to get her bag, leaving Duke and Lauren to wait. This is where if I were in their position, I'd ditch her. I'd feel guilty about it, but there's no time for that. Lauren wants to do just that, but Duke feels her language skills will help them out. Erwin and Godwin grab a cab. Lauren stresses some more. Lyn/Karlyn and David/Mary have the smart idea to save some money by sharing a cab, but there's just not enough room to accommodate them all, so they wind up getting separate taxis. Lyn interviews that they love David and Mary, because they're such good people, and because Southern folks stick together. Heh. Tom and Terry get a cab. Duke and Lauren's (un)helper finally comes back, and they get going.
KanDustin comes upon an accident, and it's a pretty severe one. A truck has overturned on the highway. Other vehicles are able to get around it, but KanDustin pulls over and jumps out. I'm not sure why. Did they think they'd be able to help or something? This allows Rob and Kimberly (who joke about running over KanDustin, like, GOOD ONE) and Tyler and James (who are similarly pleased to pass, but at least have the good taste to be anxious for the people in the accident) to blow by. The other teams get around the accident as well. David and Mary pass Lyn and Karlyn. Meanwhile, Duke and Lauren are receiving the unhappy news that their (un)helper has asked the cab driver to take her to her brother's place, and then is heading for the prison. She's just blissfully sharing a cab. No hurry! Duke tries to be hopeful, but Lauren has sunk into sarcastic despair by now, which is exactly how I'd be reacting.
Commercials. It is my fondest wish that once I buy a new car, a giant gorilla will attempt to eat me.
So not only are Duke and Lauren screwed by going out of their way to drop the (un)helper off, but you know what a longer cab ride means. A larger fare. Remember that eleven dollars? They finally drop their (un)helper off. Thanks for nothing, lady! Duke thinks they'll be fine. "Yeah, when we're arrested because we can't pay him," Lauren snaps. They're in a sucky position, and all because they were too polite to renege on their agreement to share the cab. Sad. At the prison, Rob/Kimberly and Tyler/James are arriving to find that it opens at 8:00 AM. All the other teams catch up to them there. KanDustin doesn't realize the place is closed and tries the door. "It's not open; just chill," either Tyler or James says. In answer to your question, yes, it sounded as condescending as it looks. Teams begin to set up sleeping bags and such. When Duke and Lauren arrive, Duke offers up his eleven dollars, and says that he has nothing more to his name. He asks the driver if that's OK, and the driver, nervous by the presence of the camera crew, I suspect, hesitantly nods. They shake hands. Whew, close call. Though I do feel bad for this guy who just got stiffed. Duke and Lauren know they completely lucked out on this one.
Morning. A man emerges from the prison, and hands each of the teams a scroll. It details the imprisonment of United States servicemen held within the prison's walls, including John McCain. Teams are now to search the prison for John McCain's flight suit. Once they find it, a nearby man will hand them their next clue. David is honored to be doing the task, in deference to his father. Aw. The doors open, and everyone streams in. They split up and look for the suit, stumbling across several cells with mannequins in shackles. First to find the suit are Tom and Terry, Tom repeating "John McCain's flight suit" over and over.
Gnat: "Is he autistic?"
The man standing nearby hands over the clue, and Terry tries to calm Tom down for a moment to take in the gravity of the place in which they're standing. Peter and Sarah are next to find the suit, but when Peter turns around to tell Tyler something, Kimberly grabs the outstretched clue the man is proffering. Peter actually snatches it out of her hands, as if the man isn't standing six inches away, ready to give them all one. Rob gives an indignant "Hey!" at this, with the unspoken "How'd you like to be beaten with your girlfriend's artificial leg?" hanging off the end. Peter gives the clue back to Kimberly. While he's distracted with this, James takes the next clue. Hahahaha! Peter throws up his hands in aggravation, and Sarah's like, "Jeez, I'll get one myself." All that takes place in the span of about fifteen seconds, and it was hilarious. Duke and Kandice also grab clues. When they leave, Godwin, Karlyn, and Mary take one. After everyone's cleared out, Erwin and Godwin go back in to observe a moment of silence. For a second I was thinking "Cripes, it's not like John McCain is dead", but they explain that their silence is in respect to servicemen all over the world, not only during the Vietnam War, but to this day. Way to make me feel like a total shitslice.
Everyone opens the clue. It tells them to make their way a mile and half to the Old Quarter and find a marked flower shop, where the next clue awaits. Most people go for taxis, and are told it's only two dollars to get there. Still, that's two more dollars than Duke and Lauren have, so they get directions and set out walking. By the way, if this bit where people yell "two dollars!" over and over doesn't remind you of Better Off Dead, you're no son of mine. Teams in taxis are dropped off, and there is some initial confusion as to where the flower shop is. It makes sense, given that there are about a million people going in a million directions around it. Tom and Terry are first to the cluebox. Roadblock! Phil explains that in this Roadblock, the chosen team member has to get on a bicycle (and put on one of those conical hats) to sell flowers to people on the streets. They have to make 80,000 dong, which is roughly five dollars. Oh, and whatever money they make, they may keep, which is a neat little twist. A team may well be tempted to stick around longer than they should, just to make a few bucks. Tom takes the Roadblock. Mary tries to get directions to the flower shop by drawing a flower on her clue. Heh. Next to the cluebox is Erwin and Godwin. Erwin takes it. It seems his tires are flat, so he has trouble getting going. Peter takes the Roadblock. He immediately sells a bouquet, and the soundtrack has a little ch-chiiing!!! sound effect added in. Cheesy! Tom and Erwin are having more trouble. Erwin is on his knees, begging an older woman to buy some flowers. Peter's still raking it in. Tyler and James approach the cluebox, and see Tom lookin' all doofy in his hat. Tyler laughs his ass off. Tom whines "pleeeeeease" at someone, which is so effective in selling things, I find. Erwin crashes his bike and sends flowers skittering across the pavement. Godwin says he should have taken this task. Yep, looks like it. At least Godwin's displaying some bicep. Rob and James take the Roadblock. Rob doesn't even put his hat on. Boo! He drops some flowers off the bike without noticing. Kandice takes the Roadblock. Mary's ankle is still bothering her, so David takes it. Karlyn says it's her turn, but she doesn't look thrilled with the idea. Both she and David look lovably doofy in their hats. Duke and Lauren are still walking, Duke commenting on the hot weather. More selling back at the market. Sarah interviews that Peter was selling flowers left and right, surmising that people were entranced by his blond hair. She's probably right. Peter sits wordlessly off to the side during her interview.
Gnat: "He's barely said anything this episode."
Limecrete: "Hey, you're right. But you didn't see the last one. He was a total asshole. I'm sensing someone got a tongue-lashing at the pitstop."
They've made enough money, and get their next clue. It directs them to travel by public bus to the small village of Vac, thirty miles away. Once there, they will need to find a Buddhist temple, where their next clue awaits. They dash off. Peter says they need to be sure and get on the right bus. "Of course!" Sarah says. Cue wah-wah-waaaaaaah music. They didn't have any, but they should have. Back at the market, everyone is easily selling flowers right by the door. Erwin is wandering around helpless, and Godwin is yelling his name over and over. "Dammit, shut up," Erwin crabs to himself. Hehe. They laughingly interview that their aptitude in academics doesn't do them much good when they're trying to sell flowers at the same time as people like KanDustin. Behold, the power of boobies. Less successful is Tom, who is actually yelling rudely at the people trying to buy his flowers. Ass. Duke and Lauren finally arrive, and Duke takes the Roadblock. Rob and Kandice finish at about the same time. They run off to find the bus. James finishes.
Peter and Sarah are at the bus station, which is as noisy and crowded as the flower market was. They try and find the right bus mostly by yelling "Vac!?!" a lot. They think they find the correct one, and hop on. Erwin finishes the Roadblock, having slipped three places in the meantime. Tom finishes, having slipped five places. Teams being shuffled due to their aptitude at a task and not random luck! Whee! Peter and Sarah are talking to another one of the passengers, and figure out that they're on the wrong bus. They freak out. I have no idea how Erwin and Godwin passed all the people that left the Roadblock before them, but they're first on the correct bus to Vac. It leaves without any other teams catching up. The passenger on Sarah and Peter's bus tells them to look for bus #22. They thank him and get off. They head for a nearby bus stop and start scanning for the correct one.
Karlyn and David finish the Roadblock. Mary asks a nearby guy to lead them to the bus station. She's good at that. Other teams wander around looking for the bus station. Ah, so that's how Erwin and Godwin beat them. Duke sells flowers like the wind. If the wind were really good at selling flowers. They grab their clue and leave, this time with some money. [It is at this point that my tape cuts off, since my VCR was programmed to tape from 7-8 and football (and thus, 60 Minutes) ran long. If I hadn't happened to notice this scheduling change at my dad's house as we were leaving for synagogue, fly into a blind panic, and practically force him up the stairs at knifepoint to pop a fresh tape in his VCR, I'd have missed the rest. Bless you, Lady Luck. Who says good things can't happen on Yom Kippur?] Tom and Terry have found the bus station, and are all alone on the second bus to Vac. Peter and Sarah continue waiting. KanDustin finds a guy to lead them to the station, and Tyler/James follow them. And Rob/Kimberly follow them. And Lyn/Karlyn follow them. "We'll all follow each other to Hell, I guess," Karlyn says, and why that wasn't the episode title, I can't imagine.
Duke and Lauren spot the herd, so for the second time this leg, they've managed to catch up after lagging badly. Everyone has to get across a crowded street with rushing traffic to get to the bus station, which one of the guys awesomely (and entirely correctly) compares to Frogger. Kids of the '80s represent! Kimberly comes within about two inches of being splatted by a motorbike. Yikes! That's not an exaggeration. The bike stops in time, but literally swipes her leg. I'll bet that was terrifying. I don't like her, but I have no wish to see her intestines all over the road. After taking a moment to collect herself, they all (including David and Mary who have shown up at some point) hop on the third bus to Vac. A bunch of busses pass by Peter and Sarah, but none are the right one. "We're out of it," Sarah says, which is exactly what they said last week when they came in first, so SHUT UP.
Commercials. Speaking of shut up, Peyton Manning...
Peter and Sarah continue waiting, knowing they messed up. On the bus, David finds it strange to be in Vietnam, given what his father went through. Mary manages to let him get through this one without interrupting to snipe at him. Erwin and Godwin have reached Vac. They ask a man on a motorbike where the temple is, and he points them in the right direction and tells them it's about a kilometer. He offers to take them on the bike, which Erwin politely declines. Phil lets us in on the fact that for safety reasons, teams are forbidden from operating or riding on motorbikes while in Vietnam. I think that previous scene with Kimberly is all the reasoning we need. Of course, Phil telling us about this rule is equivalent to a gun shown in Act One of a play. Peter and Sarah's bus finally arrives, and they get on, correctly suspecting that they're in last place. As Erwin and Godwin approach the cluebox at the Buddhist temple, several people run through with those cloth or paper dragons you see at parades. It's quite cool. They take it in for a moment, then get their clue. Detour! Fuel or Fowl. In Fuel, teams walk to a courtyard, and use wet coal and a traditional press to make thirty coal bricks. When they finish, the coalmaker will give them their next clue. The Coalmaker would totally be my wrestling name. In Fowl, teams walk to a different courtyard to construct a birdcage, using traditional materials and methods. I'd be terrible at that.
Erwin and Godwin head for Fuel. They find someone to lead them there. Tom and Terry's bus arrives in Vac. They ask for directions much like Erwin and Godwin did, and as in that situation, a couple guys offer to take them to the Buddhist temple on their motorbikes. Tom and Terry accept. Yes, ACCEPT. And the gun goes off in Act Three. Erwin and Godwin arrive at Fuel. Basically, you toss wet, dirty sludge into a press (much like a Play-doh pumper), add some sand, press it, release it, and gently pull it out. It's a lot less sexual than it sounds. They get started, and the nearby crowd laughs at them, which never gets old in any country. Tom and Terry arrive at the temple. They get their clue and head for Fuel. Erwin and Godwin are done already. That was way too fast for a Detour. But wait! Their bricks aren't right. The coalmaker pulls over one of the example bricks on the ground, and it's about twice the height. All thirty of their bricks have to be redone. Ouch. The third bus (the one with the majority of teams) arrives in Vac. Everyone heads for the Buddhist temple, Mary talking about her sore ankle. [Quick aside to Anonymous in the comments: at no point do any of the other teams take a motorbike. You may be thinking of Rob on his bicycle selling flowers at the Roadblock. -- Limecrete] Tom and Terry arrive at Fuel. They have trouble figuring out what to do until the crowd mimes the actions for them. All of the arriving teams (Tyler/James, Rob/Kimberly, Lyn/Karlyn, David/Mary, Duke/Lauren, KanDustin) choose Fuel. Yeah, they didn't make Fowl sound enticing at all. Upon seeing the dragons, Mary yells the titular quote happily. David duhs in an interview that working with coal was an easy choice for them. And it's worth noting that while David and Mary are last to the cluebox, they're also the only team to ask someone to lead them to Fuel. Everyone else has rushed off in a frenzy.
Back at Fuel, Erwin and Godwin are finishing up, their hands solid black with sludge. Tom and Terry are making progress, but have to redo a few of their bricks. Erwin and Godwin get the go-ahead, and take their next clue, which directs them to make their way on foot to the next pitstop: Canh Dong Dia, an expansive rice paddy. The ground is so wet that they've constructed a wooden platform for the mat to rest on. Heh. Erwin and Godwin ask the nearby crowd about it, and a boy volunteers to take them there. Peter and Sarah finally arrive in Vac. They get directions to the temple and set off walking. Peter tells Sarah she's moving kind of slow (not in a terribly nasty way or anything), and Sarah says that with her knee issue, she can't go much faster. Meanwhile, all the teams on the third bus save David and Mary are wandering around lost. Duke and Lauren stop to ask someone for directions and in doing so, lose the rest of the other teams. It looks like they actually find their way to the rice paddy. Peter and Sarah arrive at the temple and pull their Detour clue. They pick Fuel. It's unanimous. Their subtitle says "Currently in 1st Place". Wishful thinking, subtitle guy.
Tom and Terry work on their bricks. Tyler and James manage to find someone willing to lead them to Fuel without alerting the other teams nearby. Sneaky. Duke and Lauren are still lost. David and Mary show up at Fuel ahead of everyone else, thanks to their helper. They get started. Tyler and James show up next, also thanks to some help. Everyone is so helpful in Vietnam! Except, of course, that lady who screwed over Duke and Lauren. Tyler or James calls over to David that this task must be right up his alley. "This ain't real coal," David says. "Ours is hard. Theirs is mud." He punctuates this with a particularly hard splat! of sludge into the press. Erwin and Godwin have found the rice paddy, and make their way over to Phil. The greeter is an elderly Vietnamese woman, and just may be about the most adorable greeter ever seen on this show (well, maybe second in line behind the guy who brandished a whip and yelled "Wellllcome to Huuuuuuuunnnnnngary!" ka-whip!). Phil tells them they're team number one, and they scream in victory and hug. They win a state-of-the-art (or "aaat" as Phil calls it) entertainment system. Sweet.
Duke and Lauren stumble across Fowl entirely by accident. They decide to just stay and give it a try. Back at Fuel, the gaggle of wandering teams from before arrives. Tyler and James complain of dehydration (thanks, MONIQUE), while KanDustin gets a good, steady rhythm going. David spaces out a little bit, which he interviews is because of his whole Dad-in-Vietnam thing. I hate to sound like a jerk, but yeah. Your Dad was in Vietnam. WE GET IT NOW. Peter and Sarah arrive at Fuel just as Tom and Terry are finishing up. They find someone to lead them to the rice paddy. Duke and Lauren plug away on their birdcage. Tom and Terry spot Phil, drop their packs, and run over. "Tom and Terry, you're the second team to arrive." They celebrate, not picking up on the fact that it's not a good sign when Phil says "X team to arrive" rather than "team number X". He tells them they didn't follow their clue correctly, brings up the motorbike ride, and gives them a thirty minute penalty (the standard time, from what I can remember). Oof. There's no way they saved thirty minutes by taking that ride, so this was a major mistake. They walk off to the side, Terry saying "It's over." I'm not sure I can articulately express how sick I am of all these teams every season spouting their "It couldn't be more obvious that we're out of the race" claptrap. Suffice it to say that every time I hear it now, I have the urge to crawl through my TV and punch whoever says it in the gut.
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Tom and Terry wait. Five minutes have passed. Duke and Lauren build. Tyler and James finish their coal bricks and leave. KanDustin thinks they're finished, but they have to redo one of theirs. David and Mary finish. KanDustin finishes. Both teams haul ass, and the camera zooms in on the pack that David has left behind. Dun dun dun! Rob and Kimberly finish. They run, but Rob's energy is depleted from the Detour and they have to slow down a bit. Peter and Sarah finish, so either they were really good at this, or Lyn and Karlyn are really bad at it. David and Mary realize they're missing their pack. David runs back. Meanwhile, Tyler and James check in as team number two. About twelve minutes left on Tom and Terry's penalty. I'd take the time to wash some of the coal sludge off my hands, but maybe that's frowned upon in rice paddies. Duke and Lauren build. David snags his pack. Lyn and Karlyn finish their bricks. Teams run all over the place. Rob and Kimberly narrowly beat KanDustin to the mat, becoming teams three and four, respectively. Peter approaches the mat, cheerfully saying "Way to come from behind!", which would be more inspirational if Sarah weren't fifteen feet behind him, practically crawling because her leg can't take anymore. They're team number five, which is a much better placement than they were expecting. Phil tells Tom and Terry that "this has got to suck." Way to rub it in, Phil. Six minutes left on the penalty.
Duke and Lauren finish their cage, and run for the mat, currently in last place. I've got to say that this sucks for them, but I'd be way more proud of myself for successfully finishing the cage than successfully finishing the bricks. Terry's crying. Aw. Lyn and Karlyn manage to run past David and Mary, but feel a bit guilty for doing so. Mary stumbles a bit, and Lyn and Karlyn actually pause to make sure she's OK. David tells them to go on ahead. "Are you sure?" Lyn says. Double aw. And even more so, because these two teams have got to think they're competing over last place right now. Lyn and Karlyn are ecstatic to hear they're team number six. Mary stumbles some more. Yeah, a rice paddy is probably not the best terrain for a weak ankle. They check in as team number seven. David has coal smeared all over his face. Mary hugs Lyn warmly. Phil asks Lyn how tough the race is, and she talks about how frustrating it is and how angry with yourself you get, and how she felt bad for passing a team she considers friends. "You had to!" Mary says, letting her off the hook. Lyn says that she didn't want David and Mary to go home because they're such deserving people. Triple aw. Mary interviews that they've formed a close friendship with Lyn/Karlyn, Erwin/Godwin, and Tom/Terry (whom she goes over to hug as they wait out their penalty). As she walks off, Mary calls "Tom! Terry! Don't give up! I'm waitin' on you to walk me back, 'kay? Need somebody to lean on. Got a sprained foot." She says this lightly and with complete confidence, which was very cute. Quadruple aw.
Duke and Lauren run. Will they get there before the penalty runs out? Will they!?!?!? Well, unfortunately not. The penalty time runs out, and Tom and Terry check in as team number eight. Ouch. The Vietnamese woman just stands there fanning herself. Heh. Tom vows that they won't let this get them down. Whatever, dude. Just try to be less of a jackoff next week. Duke and Lauren approach. Phil tells them that they're last, and that they've been eliminated. Aw, damn. Lauren starts to cry, and she and Duke hug. Duke says that they've learned a lot from each other, and that whatever makes Lauren happy will make him happy. I swear I'm not tearing up. I just...have something in my eye. In the final interview, Duke says that he'd almost wish this experience on every parent (not to interrupt his emotional moment, but I don't think I'll be signing up to do this with either parent unless a full frontal lobotomy is involved), and gives Lauren a smooch on the cheek. She seems too stricken from being eliminated to add anything. I'm sorry to see them go.
Next week on The Amazing Race: Sarah gets through a difficult climb. Again. She's pissed when Peter wants to quit a task. Again. Rob and Kimberly fight. Again. Are we sure this is going to be a new episode?
Overall Grade: A
Previously on The Amazing Race: Ten teams left China for the expanse of Mongolia. Kimberly and Kandice learned that you can lead a horse to water, but you can't stop him from kicking your ass all over the place. Peter and Sarah couldn't "control their beast" (ew), but managed to surge into first place. Mary twisted her ankle, and some losers proved how loserly they are by losing. Nine teams remain. Who will be eliminated next?
Opening credits. Rob and Kimberly run along the beach. Not shown? The fact that they're each probably looking for a good place to dig a shallow grave for the other.
Mongolia. Phil, perhaps telepathically picking up my wishes, skips all his usual opening blather, and cuts right to Peter and Sarah, leaving the mat at 6:54 AM. Their clue tells them to get their asses to Hanoi, Vietnam, where they will make their way to a prison "infamously" known as the Hanoi Hilton. From what I've heard about the downslide of actual Hiltons, they're not much better than prisons by this point, anyway. It's probably Paris' fault. Sarah also reads that teams are getting no money for this leg of the race. No, really! In three legs of this race, the teams have only gotten $105 total. And that has to cover all cabs, goods, food (not eaten at pitstops), etc. In other words, lack of money actually has to figure into the teams' planning in a way that it didn't in previous seasons. It's yet another improvement in a long list that is really making this season quite a joy so far. Anyway, all the teams have to buy their airline tickets at a specific travel agency in a specific hotel. Peter and Sarah hop into their Russian jeep and go. Sarah interviews for what seems like the millionth time that her hydraulic knee is leaking fluid, so it's difficult for her to run. I'm sympathetic, but we get it now. Seriously.
Tyler and James leave the mat at 7:07 AM. Tyler says (and really, he always appears to be the one that interviews -- have we heard more than a few sentences out of James yet?) that the two of them have bickered a little bit, but haven't really fought, so they're able to concentrate on the race. Duke and Lauren leave at 7:45 AM. Lauren reads the clue, and you can already hear the "oh shit" in her voice when she gets to the part about no money being given. In their car, Duke jovially says "A lot of these girls on the street walk arm in arm! Think they're just friends, or what?". It's hard to describe what a Dad statement that is. He means well, but it's so obvious and embarrassing that you just want the Earth to open and swallow you. Can you tell I spent this past weekend with the family? Duke interviews that the only thing that can change in his relationship with Lauren is his acceptance of her sexuality. Again, I would have preferred (as would Lauren, no doubt) that his acceptance would have been a non-issue from the beginning, but he's clearly trying his best, and that's sweet. He says that his draft number didn't come up for the Vietnam War, so he didn't fight. Several of his friends did, though, and never returned. I can't even imagine that. Good thing all that's behind us, and we don't get into senseless wars anymore! *crickets*
Tom and Terry leave the mat at 7:52 AM. Tom says that they're both very independent people, and they've only been together for two years, so trying to make decisions together is stressful. Even more so when you're in a race, I'd say. LabRat and I couldn't even decide which movie to watch first the other night. In Peter and Sarah's car, she's reading off more of the clue. Not only do they have no money for this leg, but they're not allowed to beg from anyone nor sell anything. Yay! Sarah thinks they're in fairly good shape with forty dollars. Duke and Lauren? Eleven dollars. Eek. Peter and Sarah find the hotel with the travel agency, but it's not open until 9:00 AM. Tyler and James catch up to them. Dustin and Kandice leave the mat at 8:11 AM. Rob and Kimberly are off at 8:13 AM. Dustin and Kandice talk about how they're becoming more confident with directions, which leads to some weird non-sequitur interview in which they talk about overcoming beauty queen stereotypes. Kimberly has a similarly odd interview in which she says that the team's going to have a problem if Rob "chooses to say hurtful things" to her. Except the interview appears to be part of the same one she gave last week after one of their fights. And the fact that they're not fighting right now. And the fact that she yells just as much as he does. But besides that, it makes total sense!
David and Mary leave at 8:16 AM. In a scene symbolic of why I simultaneously like and dislike them, David talks about his father's experiences in Vietnam as he drives. He's conflicted about going there, and as he tries to relate his thoughts, a couple of cars pass them. Mary interrupts him to tell him to hurry up. He's going the fastest the car can go (or the fastest that teams are allowed to go) and tells her so. She snaps that she's not going to lose the race because blah blah blah. He snaps that she can take a look at his speedometer (or as he says it, SPEE-dah-meh-tur). She backs off. I understand that they have a relationship that I can't possibly begin to fully appreciate, but in terms of the show, it always seems like she's pleasant and polite to everyone in the world except the man she's supposed to love more than anyone else in the world. That's not heartening. But it's a minor quibble, and I do like these guys in general. Duke and Lauren arrive at the hotel, with Tom/Terry and Kandice/Dustin right behind them. I didn't realize what a gem of a nickname I stumbled upon when Kandice got dragged by the horse last week, but KanDustin suits them fine, apart from sounding like a small Florida town where they sell beets. Everyone forms a line to get into the travel agency in the order they arrived. David and Mary pull up to the hotel. Erwin and Godwin leave the mat at 8:18 AM. Godwin doesn't even care that much about the competition; he just loves the experience of the race, not to mention racing with his brother. Aw. Rob and Kimberly have to stop for directions.
And now...drama! Well, minor drama. The travel agency opens. Wait, is it 9:00 AM? How could it be? KanDustin left the mat five minutes before Erwin and Godwin, and are already in line. It only appears to be a 10-15 drive from the mat to the hotel, so what have Erwin and Godwin been doing for forty minutes? Weird editing. Anyway, the agency opens, and there are four ticket agents. Naturally, Peter and Sarah grab the first one, Tyler/James the second, and Duke/Lauren the third. Instead of going up to the fourth agent, Tom and Terry wander right past her and stand behind Peter and Sarah. After a beat, KanDustin's like, "Whatever", and walks up to the fourth agent to do business with her. When Tom and Terry realize what's going on, they conclude that KanDustin has "cut the line". Um, nice try. The line was to get into the travel agency. Once you're inside, the line has accomplished its purpose and is disbanded. Tom and Terry are just embarrassed to admit they made a mistake, and are trying to play it off by acting as if KanDustin has just played dirty, which they totally haven't. Terry advises Tom to let it go, but Tom can't help being a whiny queen, and well...whines that he thought he could "trust" KanDustin, and snots to Terry that they won't "win a beauty pageant of kindness". Er... Good one? And remember when Tom brought out that tiresome old chestnut of not wanting to be friends with other teams? Reap what you sow, twit. It's official. I hate Tom and Terry. You know what, scratch that. I just hate Tom. Terry seems relatively inoffensive. What is up with assholes named Tom on TV recently? I feel sorry for my good friend Tom, who manages to carry the name without being a douchebag. Way to be a role model! Anyway, I've really had it up to the eyeballs with the unlikable, whiny, dramatic, prissy, asshole gay guys this show casts. Come on, producers! There are a ton of nice gay men out there! I know a lot of them!
Lyn and Karlyn leave the mat at 9:02 AM. Lyn interviews that they'd love a million dollars, but that the race is very stressful and painful, much like childbirth. Let's hope that's not one of the tasks. Back at the travel agency, everyone works on getting tickets. Rob and Kimberly arrive, followed by Erwin/Godwin and Lyn/Karlyn. All of the teams get the exact same tickets, so that whole line dustup was completely pointless. At the airport, David tends to Mary's ailing ankle. They hope they'll be able to still manage the tasks. The plane takes off.
Hanoi. As with most of the places we see on this show, it's beautiful. I haven't traveled in a while, and I can feel the old wanderlust kicking in. The plane lands at 10:58 PM. Everyone rushes out of the airport to look for a taxi. KanDustin gets a good jump. They figure they'll have to pay the driver at least ten dollars, and they have twenty-four. Uh oh, Duke and Lauren. Rob/Kimberly, Tyler/James, and Peter/Sarah grab taxis. Duke and Lauren hail a cab, having found themselves a helper on the plane. She lives in Hanoi, and is going to ride with them and help communicate where the taxi driver needs to go. There's a problem, though, because she has to go back into the airport to get her bag, leaving Duke and Lauren to wait. This is where if I were in their position, I'd ditch her. I'd feel guilty about it, but there's no time for that. Lauren wants to do just that, but Duke feels her language skills will help them out. Erwin and Godwin grab a cab. Lauren stresses some more. Lyn/Karlyn and David/Mary have the smart idea to save some money by sharing a cab, but there's just not enough room to accommodate them all, so they wind up getting separate taxis. Lyn interviews that they love David and Mary, because they're such good people, and because Southern folks stick together. Heh. Tom and Terry get a cab. Duke and Lauren's (un)helper finally comes back, and they get going.
KanDustin comes upon an accident, and it's a pretty severe one. A truck has overturned on the highway. Other vehicles are able to get around it, but KanDustin pulls over and jumps out. I'm not sure why. Did they think they'd be able to help or something? This allows Rob and Kimberly (who joke about running over KanDustin, like, GOOD ONE) and Tyler and James (who are similarly pleased to pass, but at least have the good taste to be anxious for the people in the accident) to blow by. The other teams get around the accident as well. David and Mary pass Lyn and Karlyn. Meanwhile, Duke and Lauren are receiving the unhappy news that their (un)helper has asked the cab driver to take her to her brother's place, and then is heading for the prison. She's just blissfully sharing a cab. No hurry! Duke tries to be hopeful, but Lauren has sunk into sarcastic despair by now, which is exactly how I'd be reacting.
Commercials. It is my fondest wish that once I buy a new car, a giant gorilla will attempt to eat me.
So not only are Duke and Lauren screwed by going out of their way to drop the (un)helper off, but you know what a longer cab ride means. A larger fare. Remember that eleven dollars? They finally drop their (un)helper off. Thanks for nothing, lady! Duke thinks they'll be fine. "Yeah, when we're arrested because we can't pay him," Lauren snaps. They're in a sucky position, and all because they were too polite to renege on their agreement to share the cab. Sad. At the prison, Rob/Kimberly and Tyler/James are arriving to find that it opens at 8:00 AM. All the other teams catch up to them there. KanDustin doesn't realize the place is closed and tries the door. "It's not open; just chill," either Tyler or James says. In answer to your question, yes, it sounded as condescending as it looks. Teams begin to set up sleeping bags and such. When Duke and Lauren arrive, Duke offers up his eleven dollars, and says that he has nothing more to his name. He asks the driver if that's OK, and the driver, nervous by the presence of the camera crew, I suspect, hesitantly nods. They shake hands. Whew, close call. Though I do feel bad for this guy who just got stiffed. Duke and Lauren know they completely lucked out on this one.
Morning. A man emerges from the prison, and hands each of the teams a scroll. It details the imprisonment of United States servicemen held within the prison's walls, including John McCain. Teams are now to search the prison for John McCain's flight suit. Once they find it, a nearby man will hand them their next clue. David is honored to be doing the task, in deference to his father. Aw. The doors open, and everyone streams in. They split up and look for the suit, stumbling across several cells with mannequins in shackles. First to find the suit are Tom and Terry, Tom repeating "John McCain's flight suit" over and over.
Gnat: "Is he autistic?"
The man standing nearby hands over the clue, and Terry tries to calm Tom down for a moment to take in the gravity of the place in which they're standing. Peter and Sarah are next to find the suit, but when Peter turns around to tell Tyler something, Kimberly grabs the outstretched clue the man is proffering. Peter actually snatches it out of her hands, as if the man isn't standing six inches away, ready to give them all one. Rob gives an indignant "Hey!" at this, with the unspoken "How'd you like to be beaten with your girlfriend's artificial leg?" hanging off the end. Peter gives the clue back to Kimberly. While he's distracted with this, James takes the next clue. Hahahaha! Peter throws up his hands in aggravation, and Sarah's like, "Jeez, I'll get one myself." All that takes place in the span of about fifteen seconds, and it was hilarious. Duke and Kandice also grab clues. When they leave, Godwin, Karlyn, and Mary take one. After everyone's cleared out, Erwin and Godwin go back in to observe a moment of silence. For a second I was thinking "Cripes, it's not like John McCain is dead", but they explain that their silence is in respect to servicemen all over the world, not only during the Vietnam War, but to this day. Way to make me feel like a total shitslice.
Everyone opens the clue. It tells them to make their way a mile and half to the Old Quarter and find a marked flower shop, where the next clue awaits. Most people go for taxis, and are told it's only two dollars to get there. Still, that's two more dollars than Duke and Lauren have, so they get directions and set out walking. By the way, if this bit where people yell "two dollars!" over and over doesn't remind you of Better Off Dead, you're no son of mine. Teams in taxis are dropped off, and there is some initial confusion as to where the flower shop is. It makes sense, given that there are about a million people going in a million directions around it. Tom and Terry are first to the cluebox. Roadblock! Phil explains that in this Roadblock, the chosen team member has to get on a bicycle (and put on one of those conical hats) to sell flowers to people on the streets. They have to make 80,000 dong, which is roughly five dollars. Oh, and whatever money they make, they may keep, which is a neat little twist. A team may well be tempted to stick around longer than they should, just to make a few bucks. Tom takes the Roadblock. Mary tries to get directions to the flower shop by drawing a flower on her clue. Heh. Next to the cluebox is Erwin and Godwin. Erwin takes it. It seems his tires are flat, so he has trouble getting going. Peter takes the Roadblock. He immediately sells a bouquet, and the soundtrack has a little ch-chiiing!!! sound effect added in. Cheesy! Tom and Erwin are having more trouble. Erwin is on his knees, begging an older woman to buy some flowers. Peter's still raking it in. Tyler and James approach the cluebox, and see Tom lookin' all doofy in his hat. Tyler laughs his ass off. Tom whines "pleeeeeease" at someone, which is so effective in selling things, I find. Erwin crashes his bike and sends flowers skittering across the pavement. Godwin says he should have taken this task. Yep, looks like it. At least Godwin's displaying some bicep. Rob and James take the Roadblock. Rob doesn't even put his hat on. Boo! He drops some flowers off the bike without noticing. Kandice takes the Roadblock. Mary's ankle is still bothering her, so David takes it. Karlyn says it's her turn, but she doesn't look thrilled with the idea. Both she and David look lovably doofy in their hats. Duke and Lauren are still walking, Duke commenting on the hot weather. More selling back at the market. Sarah interviews that Peter was selling flowers left and right, surmising that people were entranced by his blond hair. She's probably right. Peter sits wordlessly off to the side during her interview.
Gnat: "He's barely said anything this episode."
Limecrete: "Hey, you're right. But you didn't see the last one. He was a total asshole. I'm sensing someone got a tongue-lashing at the pitstop."
They've made enough money, and get their next clue. It directs them to travel by public bus to the small village of Vac, thirty miles away. Once there, they will need to find a Buddhist temple, where their next clue awaits. They dash off. Peter says they need to be sure and get on the right bus. "Of course!" Sarah says. Cue wah-wah-waaaaaaah music. They didn't have any, but they should have. Back at the market, everyone is easily selling flowers right by the door. Erwin is wandering around helpless, and Godwin is yelling his name over and over. "Dammit, shut up," Erwin crabs to himself. Hehe. They laughingly interview that their aptitude in academics doesn't do them much good when they're trying to sell flowers at the same time as people like KanDustin. Behold, the power of boobies. Less successful is Tom, who is actually yelling rudely at the people trying to buy his flowers. Ass. Duke and Lauren finally arrive, and Duke takes the Roadblock. Rob and Kandice finish at about the same time. They run off to find the bus. James finishes.
Peter and Sarah are at the bus station, which is as noisy and crowded as the flower market was. They try and find the right bus mostly by yelling "Vac!?!" a lot. They think they find the correct one, and hop on. Erwin finishes the Roadblock, having slipped three places in the meantime. Tom finishes, having slipped five places. Teams being shuffled due to their aptitude at a task and not random luck! Whee! Peter and Sarah are talking to another one of the passengers, and figure out that they're on the wrong bus. They freak out. I have no idea how Erwin and Godwin passed all the people that left the Roadblock before them, but they're first on the correct bus to Vac. It leaves without any other teams catching up. The passenger on Sarah and Peter's bus tells them to look for bus #22. They thank him and get off. They head for a nearby bus stop and start scanning for the correct one.
Karlyn and David finish the Roadblock. Mary asks a nearby guy to lead them to the bus station. She's good at that. Other teams wander around looking for the bus station. Ah, so that's how Erwin and Godwin beat them. Duke sells flowers like the wind. If the wind were really good at selling flowers. They grab their clue and leave, this time with some money. [It is at this point that my tape cuts off, since my VCR was programmed to tape from 7-8 and football (and thus, 60 Minutes) ran long. If I hadn't happened to notice this scheduling change at my dad's house as we were leaving for synagogue, fly into a blind panic, and practically force him up the stairs at knifepoint to pop a fresh tape in his VCR, I'd have missed the rest. Bless you, Lady Luck. Who says good things can't happen on Yom Kippur?] Tom and Terry have found the bus station, and are all alone on the second bus to Vac. Peter and Sarah continue waiting. KanDustin finds a guy to lead them to the station, and Tyler/James follow them. And Rob/Kimberly follow them. And Lyn/Karlyn follow them. "We'll all follow each other to Hell, I guess," Karlyn says, and why that wasn't the episode title, I can't imagine.
Duke and Lauren spot the herd, so for the second time this leg, they've managed to catch up after lagging badly. Everyone has to get across a crowded street with rushing traffic to get to the bus station, which one of the guys awesomely (and entirely correctly) compares to Frogger. Kids of the '80s represent! Kimberly comes within about two inches of being splatted by a motorbike. Yikes! That's not an exaggeration. The bike stops in time, but literally swipes her leg. I'll bet that was terrifying. I don't like her, but I have no wish to see her intestines all over the road. After taking a moment to collect herself, they all (including David and Mary who have shown up at some point) hop on the third bus to Vac. A bunch of busses pass by Peter and Sarah, but none are the right one. "We're out of it," Sarah says, which is exactly what they said last week when they came in first, so SHUT UP.
Commercials. Speaking of shut up, Peyton Manning...
Peter and Sarah continue waiting, knowing they messed up. On the bus, David finds it strange to be in Vietnam, given what his father went through. Mary manages to let him get through this one without interrupting to snipe at him. Erwin and Godwin have reached Vac. They ask a man on a motorbike where the temple is, and he points them in the right direction and tells them it's about a kilometer. He offers to take them on the bike, which Erwin politely declines. Phil lets us in on the fact that for safety reasons, teams are forbidden from operating or riding on motorbikes while in Vietnam. I think that previous scene with Kimberly is all the reasoning we need. Of course, Phil telling us about this rule is equivalent to a gun shown in Act One of a play. Peter and Sarah's bus finally arrives, and they get on, correctly suspecting that they're in last place. As Erwin and Godwin approach the cluebox at the Buddhist temple, several people run through with those cloth or paper dragons you see at parades. It's quite cool. They take it in for a moment, then get their clue. Detour! Fuel or Fowl. In Fuel, teams walk to a courtyard, and use wet coal and a traditional press to make thirty coal bricks. When they finish, the coalmaker will give them their next clue. The Coalmaker would totally be my wrestling name. In Fowl, teams walk to a different courtyard to construct a birdcage, using traditional materials and methods. I'd be terrible at that.
Erwin and Godwin head for Fuel. They find someone to lead them there. Tom and Terry's bus arrives in Vac. They ask for directions much like Erwin and Godwin did, and as in that situation, a couple guys offer to take them to the Buddhist temple on their motorbikes. Tom and Terry accept. Yes, ACCEPT. And the gun goes off in Act Three. Erwin and Godwin arrive at Fuel. Basically, you toss wet, dirty sludge into a press (much like a Play-doh pumper), add some sand, press it, release it, and gently pull it out. It's a lot less sexual than it sounds. They get started, and the nearby crowd laughs at them, which never gets old in any country. Tom and Terry arrive at the temple. They get their clue and head for Fuel. Erwin and Godwin are done already. That was way too fast for a Detour. But wait! Their bricks aren't right. The coalmaker pulls over one of the example bricks on the ground, and it's about twice the height. All thirty of their bricks have to be redone. Ouch. The third bus (the one with the majority of teams) arrives in Vac. Everyone heads for the Buddhist temple, Mary talking about her sore ankle. [Quick aside to Anonymous in the comments: at no point do any of the other teams take a motorbike. You may be thinking of Rob on his bicycle selling flowers at the Roadblock. -- Limecrete] Tom and Terry arrive at Fuel. They have trouble figuring out what to do until the crowd mimes the actions for them. All of the arriving teams (Tyler/James, Rob/Kimberly, Lyn/Karlyn, David/Mary, Duke/Lauren, KanDustin) choose Fuel. Yeah, they didn't make Fowl sound enticing at all. Upon seeing the dragons, Mary yells the titular quote happily. David duhs in an interview that working with coal was an easy choice for them. And it's worth noting that while David and Mary are last to the cluebox, they're also the only team to ask someone to lead them to Fuel. Everyone else has rushed off in a frenzy.
Back at Fuel, Erwin and Godwin are finishing up, their hands solid black with sludge. Tom and Terry are making progress, but have to redo a few of their bricks. Erwin and Godwin get the go-ahead, and take their next clue, which directs them to make their way on foot to the next pitstop: Canh Dong Dia, an expansive rice paddy. The ground is so wet that they've constructed a wooden platform for the mat to rest on. Heh. Erwin and Godwin ask the nearby crowd about it, and a boy volunteers to take them there. Peter and Sarah finally arrive in Vac. They get directions to the temple and set off walking. Peter tells Sarah she's moving kind of slow (not in a terribly nasty way or anything), and Sarah says that with her knee issue, she can't go much faster. Meanwhile, all the teams on the third bus save David and Mary are wandering around lost. Duke and Lauren stop to ask someone for directions and in doing so, lose the rest of the other teams. It looks like they actually find their way to the rice paddy. Peter and Sarah arrive at the temple and pull their Detour clue. They pick Fuel. It's unanimous. Their subtitle says "Currently in 1st Place". Wishful thinking, subtitle guy.
Tom and Terry work on their bricks. Tyler and James manage to find someone willing to lead them to Fuel without alerting the other teams nearby. Sneaky. Duke and Lauren are still lost. David and Mary show up at Fuel ahead of everyone else, thanks to their helper. They get started. Tyler and James show up next, also thanks to some help. Everyone is so helpful in Vietnam! Except, of course, that lady who screwed over Duke and Lauren. Tyler or James calls over to David that this task must be right up his alley. "This ain't real coal," David says. "Ours is hard. Theirs is mud." He punctuates this with a particularly hard splat! of sludge into the press. Erwin and Godwin have found the rice paddy, and make their way over to Phil. The greeter is an elderly Vietnamese woman, and just may be about the most adorable greeter ever seen on this show (well, maybe second in line behind the guy who brandished a whip and yelled "Wellllcome to Huuuuuuuunnnnnngary!" ka-whip!). Phil tells them they're team number one, and they scream in victory and hug. They win a state-of-the-art (or "aaat" as Phil calls it) entertainment system. Sweet.
Duke and Lauren stumble across Fowl entirely by accident. They decide to just stay and give it a try. Back at Fuel, the gaggle of wandering teams from before arrives. Tyler and James complain of dehydration (thanks, MONIQUE), while KanDustin gets a good, steady rhythm going. David spaces out a little bit, which he interviews is because of his whole Dad-in-Vietnam thing. I hate to sound like a jerk, but yeah. Your Dad was in Vietnam. WE GET IT NOW. Peter and Sarah arrive at Fuel just as Tom and Terry are finishing up. They find someone to lead them to the rice paddy. Duke and Lauren plug away on their birdcage. Tom and Terry spot Phil, drop their packs, and run over. "Tom and Terry, you're the second team to arrive." They celebrate, not picking up on the fact that it's not a good sign when Phil says "X team to arrive" rather than "team number X". He tells them they didn't follow their clue correctly, brings up the motorbike ride, and gives them a thirty minute penalty (the standard time, from what I can remember). Oof. There's no way they saved thirty minutes by taking that ride, so this was a major mistake. They walk off to the side, Terry saying "It's over." I'm not sure I can articulately express how sick I am of all these teams every season spouting their "It couldn't be more obvious that we're out of the race" claptrap. Suffice it to say that every time I hear it now, I have the urge to crawl through my TV and punch whoever says it in the gut.
Commercials. Now available on DVD -- X-Men: The Last Stand, or as I call it, Softcore Porn With Special Effects.
Tom and Terry wait. Five minutes have passed. Duke and Lauren build. Tyler and James finish their coal bricks and leave. KanDustin thinks they're finished, but they have to redo one of theirs. David and Mary finish. KanDustin finishes. Both teams haul ass, and the camera zooms in on the pack that David has left behind. Dun dun dun! Rob and Kimberly finish. They run, but Rob's energy is depleted from the Detour and they have to slow down a bit. Peter and Sarah finish, so either they were really good at this, or Lyn and Karlyn are really bad at it. David and Mary realize they're missing their pack. David runs back. Meanwhile, Tyler and James check in as team number two. About twelve minutes left on Tom and Terry's penalty. I'd take the time to wash some of the coal sludge off my hands, but maybe that's frowned upon in rice paddies. Duke and Lauren build. David snags his pack. Lyn and Karlyn finish their bricks. Teams run all over the place. Rob and Kimberly narrowly beat KanDustin to the mat, becoming teams three and four, respectively. Peter approaches the mat, cheerfully saying "Way to come from behind!", which would be more inspirational if Sarah weren't fifteen feet behind him, practically crawling because her leg can't take anymore. They're team number five, which is a much better placement than they were expecting. Phil tells Tom and Terry that "this has got to suck." Way to rub it in, Phil. Six minutes left on the penalty.
Duke and Lauren finish their cage, and run for the mat, currently in last place. I've got to say that this sucks for them, but I'd be way more proud of myself for successfully finishing the cage than successfully finishing the bricks. Terry's crying. Aw. Lyn and Karlyn manage to run past David and Mary, but feel a bit guilty for doing so. Mary stumbles a bit, and Lyn and Karlyn actually pause to make sure she's OK. David tells them to go on ahead. "Are you sure?" Lyn says. Double aw. And even more so, because these two teams have got to think they're competing over last place right now. Lyn and Karlyn are ecstatic to hear they're team number six. Mary stumbles some more. Yeah, a rice paddy is probably not the best terrain for a weak ankle. They check in as team number seven. David has coal smeared all over his face. Mary hugs Lyn warmly. Phil asks Lyn how tough the race is, and she talks about how frustrating it is and how angry with yourself you get, and how she felt bad for passing a team she considers friends. "You had to!" Mary says, letting her off the hook. Lyn says that she didn't want David and Mary to go home because they're such deserving people. Triple aw. Mary interviews that they've formed a close friendship with Lyn/Karlyn, Erwin/Godwin, and Tom/Terry (whom she goes over to hug as they wait out their penalty). As she walks off, Mary calls "Tom! Terry! Don't give up! I'm waitin' on you to walk me back, 'kay? Need somebody to lean on. Got a sprained foot." She says this lightly and with complete confidence, which was very cute. Quadruple aw.
Duke and Lauren run. Will they get there before the penalty runs out? Will they!?!?!? Well, unfortunately not. The penalty time runs out, and Tom and Terry check in as team number eight. Ouch. The Vietnamese woman just stands there fanning herself. Heh. Tom vows that they won't let this get them down. Whatever, dude. Just try to be less of a jackoff next week. Duke and Lauren approach. Phil tells them that they're last, and that they've been eliminated. Aw, damn. Lauren starts to cry, and she and Duke hug. Duke says that they've learned a lot from each other, and that whatever makes Lauren happy will make him happy. I swear I'm not tearing up. I just...have something in my eye. In the final interview, Duke says that he'd almost wish this experience on every parent (not to interrupt his emotional moment, but I don't think I'll be signing up to do this with either parent unless a full frontal lobotomy is involved), and gives Lauren a smooch on the cheek. She seems too stricken from being eliminated to add anything. I'm sorry to see them go.
Next week on The Amazing Race: Sarah gets through a difficult climb. Again. She's pissed when Peter wants to quit a task. Again. Rob and Kimberly fight. Again. Are we sure this is going to be a new episode?
Overall Grade: A
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