Pass the Dutchie

America's Next Top Model - Season 11, Episode 8

The final six head for Amsterdam, and spend the first several minutes directly ripping off The Amazing Race for a challenge. The girls are paired off for said segment, and sworn enemies Samantha and Elina find themselves the unlikely victors. The friendship forged by the win doesn't last long, as they get into a stupid fight about prostitution that isn't worth revisiting. The later challenge is also done in pairs, and involves posing in brothel windows. Samantha wins again, this time with McKey.

The photo shoot is a relatively simple one; it's just the girls giving their best editorial pose on a boat. Analeigh is undeservedly praised, as is Marjorie, who knows how to work the hunched back, but not much else. McKey and Samantha both get very good shots, and McKey claims the coveted first-called position. Meanwhile, Elina is still stiff as a board in her photos, but it's poor Sheena who gets eliminated for being unable to find the balance between hooch and beauty.

Next week on America's Next Top Model: Tyra pretends to be an artistic photographer again. Let's all give her ego a few strokes, and maybe she'll quit with that nonsense.

Overall Grade: B

Do It Like a Madman

The Amazing Race - Season 13, Episode 5

Is it really only episode five? I feel like I've been watching this season since my bar mitzvah. So...remember when Jason and Lorena started the leg way behind everyone else, and clearly had no shot in hell of catching up, and how boring that was? And they were only a couple of hours behind. In this leg, everyone manages to equalize themselves on their trip to Cambodia except Aja and Ty, who are so far behind, they may be doing tasks on a different day.

In other words, it totally doesn't matter if Terence and Sarah get stopped for speeding and their boat breaks down (which they do, and it does). And it totally doesn't matter if the moronic divorcees screw up yet another Detour (which they do). And it totally doesn't matter if the Fratties flail around and Dan whines yet some more (which they do, and he does). Aja and Ty are so far behind, that by the time they check in at the mat, the other teams have probably started the next leg. They get the booting that has been obviously been coming from minute one of this leg, and Ty promises to move to LA to make the relationship work. That's nice. Now, about this race. When will it become "Amazing", as promised?

Overall Grade: C-

I Wonder If They Like Blondes in New Zealand?

The Amazing Race - Season 13, Episode 4

Previously on The Amazing Race: Nine teams set out for La Paz, Bolivia. Christy managed to turn a trivial misunderstanding into an epic enmity. That probably happens to her a lot. While she and Kelly flailed at the Detour, as is their wont, Nick and Starr tried to wheedle Aja and Ty into spending their only U-Turn for the siblings' benefit. Though it would have been nice if someone had U-Turned the ditzy divorcees, it was not to be. Ken and Tina held on to their lead, while Mark's trouble at the Roadblock was compounded by a time penalty brought on by the Geeks' misreading of their clue. That left plenty of time for Kelly and Christy to catch up, getting the Geeks eliminated. Suck. Eight teams remain. Who will be eliminated next?

Opening credits. Bonding activities with my sister do not include cheerleader dances in the park.

La Paz, Bolivia. Phil explains that it's the world's highest capital. It's pretty densely packed with buildings, too. Let's hope a bad fire never breaks out there. In what is fast becoming this season's theme, there is yet more pitstop drama. It's all secondhand, of course, and entirely pointless. Christy confronted Starr with the siblings' plan to get them U-Turned. Starr says she talked to Christy to "see if I could mend anything," though I'm having trouble picturing how that conversation would go. Christy snots that she informed Nick and Starr that they SO weren't welcome to sit at her and Kelly's lunch table anymore, because she's been the epitome of grace and civility up until now. Zzzzz.

Ken and Tina are first off the mat at 12:33 AM. Rrrrrrrip! The clue tells them to fly to Auckland, New Zealand, which they're both thrilled about. Phil tells us that when teams get to Auckland, they must drive themselves to Gulf Harbour. As always, I'm curious about the laws concerning driving in foreign countries, especially ones where the cars are on the other side of the road. Is an American driver's license valid in New Zealand? Once at the harbor, teams must find and untie a Gordian knot, which contains the next clue. And no fair pulling an Alexander and slicing right through it. Ken and Tina are still extremely pleased with the way their relationship has been mending, and there's still no mention of the convenient fact that their relationship got better just as they ensconced themselves in the lead.

Toni and Dallas leave at 12:59 AM. Dallas says that Toni's beginning to look at him as more of an adult. Much more adult than when he took that naked picture. Sorry, sorry. I'll stop tittering about that at some point. He and Toni pack up the trunk of their cab, then hop in the backseat without anyone closing it. Weird. Ken says that obviously, the airport's going to be mostly closed when they arrive, but hopes that he and Tina can find internet access somewhere. They do, and find what they think is the fastest way to Auckland. The next knot of teams leaves one right after the other: Terence and Sarah at 1:04 AM, the IBs at 1:05 AM, Aja and Ty at 1:06 AM, Nick and Starr at 1:07 AM, and the Fratties at 1:08 AM.

The teams must have been asked about how the relationship with their partners has been progressing. Sarah says she and Terence are "adjusting to each other's styles". In other words, she's willing to submit to his colossal neediness. IB#4 is confident in their chances, because they managed to finish above second-to-last for one entire leg. We get the titular quote, and I'm forced to ponder how their hair was perceived in La Paz. Not much blond going on there. Aja says that she and Ty are looking for that line between pushing each other in the race, but not hurting each other's feelings. I'll bet it's tough, especially for people who date long distance. Nick and Starr relate to each other as adults and "don't take anything personal" on the race. In other words, Christy should feel free to be as snatchy as she likes. Dan complains that his desire reads as frustration. Aw, ya think? Just because you whine about each and every task?

Taxis pass each other. It doesn't matter in the slightest, but the music would like you to be excited. How can you let the music down, you ingrate? Kelly and Christy leave last at 1:20 AM. In case you hadn't heard, they don't like Nick and Starr. It's like their pointless disgust has replaced their pointless divorces, in that they (or the show, rather) pick a single topic, and aren't allowed to discuss anything else. Teams begin arriving at the airport. Tina moans "Oh, crap", continuing the tradition of an attitude I'm persistently bemused by: that you'll manage to shake off trailing teams at airports. Where else does she think they'd go? Did she think she'd find a flight that took off in the twenty-six minutes she left ahead of the second-place team? It's so odd!

The next few minutes do their best to be entertaining, with the faux-bond between the Fratties and IBs, and Kelly/Christy acting like they're devious by piggybacking on others' flight research, and Aja/Ty fighting over whether they should keep researching or just accept that there's only one viable flight. It doesn't work. There's one flight, and everyone gets on it. There are more befuddling comments from Ken about how disappointing it is to lose their half-hour lead at the airport. Sorry that flights from La Paz to Auckland don't leave every five minutes, chief. Seriously, have any of these people set foot in an airport before?

Once in Auckland, teams dash out to find the marked cars. Last to the cars are the IBs. So they're "Currently in Last Place", but I'm sure they'll be able to pass another team at some point tonight. Terence tells Sarah to rub his head while he drives. I am agog to understand what she finds fulfilling about dating someone so damn clingy. People drive. Nick and Starr stop for directions. Dallas finds himself driving on the wrong side of the road. Good thing it's the middle of the night. The IBs stop for directions, and after giving them, the gas station attendant tells them they can't get lost. Why not just slash their tires while you're at it, Fate-tempter?

Sarah gives Terence clear directions to the harbour, and he ignores her to go another way. Once he realizes that other teams have stopped following and turned off, he asks Sarah what she would like him to do. She does not answer "Maybe try listening to me for three fucking seconds," for which she deserves a cookie. She tells him to turn around without an atom of malice, even as he whines that two teams have passed them now. I know there's no way to get the complete picture of a relationship on television, especially "reality" television, but I have such a depressing picture of their future together. Just as Aja tells Ty he's doing a good job with the driving, he runs up on the curb and shreds the tire. He's never dealt with a flat before, and he and Aja go right back to being snippy with each other. Aja tries to flag down passing motorists for help.

Commercials. If John McCain is serious about finding sources of alternative energy, why don't we just hook up some generators to his eyelids? Never have I seen such a blinker.

A kind-hearted local stops to help Ty and Aja with their tire. That was above and beyond mere civic duty, so hats off to him. Ken/Tina/Fratties/Terence/Sarah arrive at the harbor, and get going on the knot. As with most of the other tasks so far this season, it's way too easy. This is like watching high school week on Jeopardy! The Fratties and Ken/Tina finish their knots at about the same time. Sadly, no "Rrrrrrrip!" accompanies this clue. It tells the teams to drive themselves to the summit of Mount Eden, which is ridiculously beautiful. Phil explains that it's one of Auckland's famed dormant volcanoes. The next clue will be at the tippy top. Also included in the clue is one of the race's two Fast Forwards, which will allow the team that claims it to skip all remaining tasks and go straight to the pitstop. My issues with having only two Fast Forwards are well-documented, so let's just move on. In this Fast Forward, teams go to the tallest structure in the Southern Hemisphere, the Auckland Skytower. There, they must climb to the top using the maintenance staff's ladders and pick up "a friend". Both lead teams decide to go for it.

Terence and Sarah finish their knot, and have no interest in the Fast Forward. As they leave, Kelly and Christy drive in. They finish quickly and with no problems, and when that happens to Kelly and Christy, you know a task is super-easy. Toni and Dallas go in, untie, and go out. Zzzzz. Nick and Starr arrive. Meanwhile, Ken and Tina easily beat the Fratties to the Fast Forward. The Fratties spot Ken and Tina's car, and immediately beat feet to head for Mount Eden. Aja and Ty arrive at the knots as Nick and Starr finish up. Ken and Tina get suited up for their climb. To save you some time and patience, let's dispense with the entire task right now, though it's strung out farther than pizza cheese. Tina has a fear of heights. She climbs anyway. The end. Can you tell I'm not feeling this episode? Aja and Ty are convinced they're last, but the IBs are still driving around, apparently taking a route from the gas station to the harbor that includes, say, Oslo.

Terence and Sarah reach the clue. Rrrrrrrip! Roadblock! I'm obliged to lighten up a bit, because the task is rather cool, like last week's Roadblock. In this one, the chosen team member selects a design from the cluebox and matches it to a "tattoo" (it's probably face paint, but I'm willing to pretend in the interest of cultural education) on a Maori warrior's face. A large group of warriors stands nearby, beating their chests and bugging their eyes out. If the team member offers a design to a man who doesn't match the image, he'll take it away, and they must start again. When they match correctly, the warrior will hand over the next clue. Terence takes on the task. The warriors stick out their tongues and scream a lot. It's a lot cooler than I'm making it sound. Terence hands over a design I could tell from a two-second flash didn't match. The warrior takes it and runs off. Heh.

Aja and Ty finish their knot. Terence's second choice is a match. The warrior presses his face to Terence's in a sort of Eskimo kiss before handing over the clue. Rrrrrrrip! Teams must now drive into downtown Auckland and find the City Life Hotel. The next clue awaits on the rooftop. Kelly and Christy decide to stop their car and just walk to the top of Mount Eden. Why? Um...you got me. Maybe for the same reason they thought one of their clues would be randomly buried under a patch of sand. Toni and Dallas arrive at the Roadblock, where Toni takes it on. The sun is just beginning to rise. Kelly and Christy walk. Toni hands over her design, and is pulled in for the Eskimo kiss. Ding, ding, ding! She and Dallas get the City Life Hotel clue.

Speaking of which, Sarah and Terence arrive there. Rrrrrrrip! The next clue is one of those unfortunate product-placement tasks, but happily, the task is a lot better than the crappy ones we've seen before. Still, product-placement tasks, as a matter of principle, must be glossed over. In this one, teams use a pair of binoculars to spot a certain company's mascot. When they spot one, they have to go find the actual mascot and look on the underside for the next clue. Now that the sun is firmly in the sky, the IBs finally arrive at the harbour. Jesus, where have they been? They are "Currently in Last Place", and do not help their cause by strolling right past the last remaining knot.

Commercials. Jessica Simpson doesn't want you to do anything she wouldn't do. I guess I'm not allowed to complete any more crossword puzzles.

The IBs locate their knot and try to loosen it, though you can tell their hearts aren't in it. The Fratties pass by Kelly and Christy and ask them why they're not driving. "We decided to walk!" one cheerfully responds, because the actual answer of "We're stupid!" would be too difficult to admit. The Fratties are like "Whatever, morons" and drive on. The IBs finish their knot. Andrew takes the Roadblock, and when Kelly/Christy finally finish their stroll, Christy takes it. Dan -- surprise! -- whines that Andrew is walking amongst the warriors too slowly, because the best way to approach a concentration task is to throw yourself in hysterically. Christy matches her warrior almost instantly. She and Kelly book it out of there, but it's a long walk back to the car. Andrew matches his warrior, and actually loses a bit of time because he's unwilling to be pulled in for his Eskimo kiss.

Terence and Sarah spot their mascot and leave, just as Toni and Dallas arrive. Toni soon spots her mascot. Meanwhile, Ken and Tina have finished their Fast Forward (the "friend" is yet another mascot) and are directed to take a helicopter ride to the next pitstop, Summerhill. It appears to be a sheep farm. According to the editing, Terence/Sarah/Toni/Dallas reach the mascot at about the same time. The clue on the bottom directs them to Kiwi 360 (it's actually 360 degrees, but Blogger's not good about accents, degree marks, etc.). The place is marked with a gigantic representation of a kiwi slice, so it shouldn't be too hard to spot. Nick and Starr arrive at the Detour, where Starr takes it. Her first offer isn't a match, and she chases the warrior for a couple of seconds when he takes off. Hehe. Rain has started to fall. Thanks to Kelly and Christy's walk back to the car, the Fratties are next to the City Life Hotel, where Andrew spots his mascot almost immediately. They pass Kelly and Christy as they leave the hotel. The rain has led to a gorgeous rainbow on top of Mount Eden, but Starr doesn't have time to take it in. Her second guess is a match.

Aja and Ty arrive at the Roadblock. Aja takes it on. The Fratties find their mascot. Nick and Starr catch up to Kelly and Christy on the hotel roof. Nick quickly spots a mascot, and he and Starr happily leave Kelly and Christy in the dust. Aja's guess is a match, so they're off to the hotel. Ken and Tina's helicopter flight takes them by the rainbow. Their relationship is still getting better. And they're still in first place. What a coincidence! The IBs arrive at the Roadblock. They are "Currently in Last Place". IB#4 takes the Roadblock, and has trouble getting a design because she's scared of the yelling warrior who stands guard over the cluebox. Heh. Nick and Starr pick up their mascot, and head for Kiwi 360. Kelly and Christy spot a mascot. IB#4 makes a match, and her warrior gives her an actual kiss instead of just a face touch. Naughty! Aja and Ty begin their hunt for the mascot. Kelly and Christy pick up theirs. Ty spots one.

Ken and Tina arrive at the pitstop, which is just as lovely as the other parts of Auckland we've seen tonight. They're greeted by Phil, a bunch of sheep, and the greeter, who happens to be Phil's dad. Okay, this leg has kind of sucked, but that's awesome. The boring restructuring of the Fast Forwards has led Ken and Tina to another boring first-place finish, and they win a week-long trip to Rio during Carnaval. That sounds like all sorts of fun. Aja and Ty pick up their mascot, and head for Kiwi 360. The IBs begin their hunt for the mascot. They are "Currently in Last Place". Terence and Sarah arrive at Kiwi 360. Rrrrrrrip! Detour! In this Detour, teams must choose between A Matter of Time or A Matter of Skill. In A Matter of Time, teams drive to a kiwi orchard, and use their bare feet to stomp on kiwis until they've collected 3 gallons of juice. Once they've done that, each team member has to drink a full glass of the juice before they receive the next clue. In A Matter of Skill, teams drives themselves to a blo-kart track. Once there, they'll assemble two blo-karts and complete three laps on the track. Once that's accomplished, they'll get the next clue.

Both Terence/Sarah and Toni/Dallas opt for what sounds like the easier choice, and head for A Matter of Time. They are soon at the orchard, where Sarah gives another pig squeal that I wish she would knock the fuck off. They soon discover that the buckets of kiwi are lined with rocks and that the kiwis themselves are no picnic to squash. Toni and Dallas arrive and get started. Terence contributes his first smart idea of the race, and suggests that Sarah find the spout to make sure it's not clogged with blobs of kiwi. It works out well, and they've soon got a steady flow of juice going. Dallas discovers the pain of kiwi-stomping. The IBs spot their mascot. The Fratties arrive at the Detour, and choose the kiwis. Terence and Sarah are still trucking on said kiwis, but Dallas and Toni aren't having much luck. I don't think they've been at it long enough to produce much liquid. The IBs pick up their mascot. When Terence and Sarah finish stomping and start drinking, Dallas decides that he and Toni would be better off switching Detours. Terence and Sarah leave for the pitstop. Toni and Dallas meet the Fratties coming in as they leave, and Toni tells them that kiwi-stomping is "so much fun". Hehe.

Nick and Starr arrive at the Detour clue and also choose the kiwis, as do Kelly and Christy. That task did sound deceptively easy. Nick/Starr/Fratties soon find that it is not so, and rue their aching feet. Terence and Sarah check in as team number two in great moods. Toni and Dallas arrive at the blo-kart track and start assembling. Dan -- surprise! -- whines that the kiwi task is "ridiculous". Both the Fratties and Nick/Starr soon decide to ditch for the blo-karts. Dan's pants are covered in kiwi pulp. Kelly and Christy arrive, and are the only team to enjoy the kiwi-stomping. That works in their favor, as the key to the task seems to be having enough patience to get all the kiwis smashed up, which leads to the juice flowing at a much faster rate. Dallas and Toni begin their three laps around the track. Dallas has no problems, and after some initial issues with controlling the sail, Toni picks it up as well.

The Fratties/Nick/Starr work on assembling their blo-karts, wondering why Kelly and Christy are still wasting their time over at the kiwis. Well, it's because Kelly and Christy have found their niche. They may not be able to read clues well. They may have the social graces of a yeti. But if there's one thing Kelly and Christy kick ass at, it's fruit-stomping. They tear through the task, and are soon on their way to the pitstop. Dallas and Toni finish their laps, and head for the pitstop also. Aja and Ty neatly fall into the same trap as the other teams, and head for the kiwis. Dan -- surprise! -- whines about assembling the blo-karts. One of the staff members at the track is giving safety instructions to Nick and Starr, including a very important one about not putting your arms out in front of you to stop a fall. They get started on their laps, and the wind soon flips Starr onto her side. Aja and Ty arrive at the kiwis, and decide it couldn't be a better time to start bickering again.

The IBs arrive, "Currently in Last Place". They naturally head for the kiwis. Kelly and Christy check in as team three. Yeesh. That Detour switch sure cost those other teams. Dan carps at Andrew, who's doing all the assembly work. Andrew politely tells him to shut his trap. Another gust of wind tips Starr again, and she puts her arms out squarely in front of her. Turns out the safety instructor didn't warn against that just for kicks, and Starr hurts herself, saying she thinks she broke her arm. Dun dun dun!

Commercials. Are little faces drawn on hands really that effective a pitch? Really?

Starr cries and cradles her arm, but is determined to finish the laps. Hear that, Lance and Marshall? Kellie and Jamie? No? Too busy off being quitters somewhere? Andrew keeps assembling. Toni and Dallas check in as team four. Nick and Starr finish their laps. They tear the pitstop clue. Nick seems strangely uncaring about Starr's pain. I knew he was cold, but damn. I'm not sure why, but she's the designated driver. How about a team member who isn't currently one limb short and bleeding on the seats taking the wheel? The Fratties start their laps. Aja and Ty aren't making much progress on the kiwis. The IBs are still driving. Nick and Starr decide to switch places. Good call, nimrods. Aja dejectedly suggests switching to the other Detour. She and Ty clearly think they're in dead last. The Fratties complete their laps. Andrew feels good, because Dan finally realizes that Andrew contributes to the team. Anything that will lead to less whining is fine by me.

Nick and Starr check in as team five. Starr's in a lot of pain, but happy to still be in the race. Aja and Ty arrive at the blo-kart track, and make quick progress on the assembly. The sun is starting to set. This has been a long leg; they must be exhausted. The Fratties check in as team six, and are thrilled. They must not have realized how far behind Aja/Ty/IBs fell, and are relieved. That's the only way I can explain their joy, because six out of eight? Not very stellar. The IBs arrive at the kiwis, and twilight is in full swing. Yeah, there's only so much editing you can do to make things suspenseful, because the sun is still up where Ty and Aja are assembling their blo-karts. So we cut back and forth between the two lagging teams, and though Aja and Ty have assembly problems and the juice flows freely for the IBs, there's no making up this huge time lag. Both teams complete their Detours. Both teams try to think positively. A team approaches the mat, and it's obviously Aja and Ty. They think they're toast, and upon hearing that they're team seven, Aja dedicates her not being quite as crappy as one other team up to God. I'm sure he's grateful.

LabRat: "Oh, ew. I'm ready for them to go."

The IBs jog up to the mat. No more horrible teams to absorb your mistakes anymore, ladies. They are last, and they are eliminated. They say nice things about being glad they made it this far, and about their friendship. Are they nice people? Are they jerks? Are they stupid? Are they bright, but just got unlucky? Who knows? Never has a team gotten this far in the race without making a single impression on me. I guess that's why they're called the Interchangeable Blonds. Don't be too sad, IBs. You'll be back next season. You or some of your doppelgangers. It never seems to make much of a difference.

Next week on The Amazing Race: Terence and Sarah get pulled over by the cops. Kelly and Christy continue their quest to be obnoxious twats on every continent.

Overall Grade: C-

Green With Envy

America's Next Top Model - Season 11, Episode 7

Previously on America's Next Top Model: A recap show not interesting enough to recap. Before that? The entire season. Now, seven girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

We begin tonight's episode with a sensitive exploration into cultural differences. That is to say, Marjorie and Elina pawn all their personality quirks off on being raised in European households, and the other girls are all, "Um...but you've lived in America for your entire formative lives". Except nobody's that articulate, and mostly it's a bunch of snotty bullshit flying back and forth. Joslyn, proving her awesomeness once again, interviews that she's not really interested in all that crap, as she's noticed that there's this modeling competition, and it may pay off to focus on that instead.

The episode is chock full of annoying guest stars of seasons past, and I'm not sure whether I find that extra obnoxious, or am relieved that we can dispense with the likes of the swirl twins, the look-at-me-look-at-me guy, and the magazine editor who apparently lives in the ANTM production offices in one fell swoop. Actually, the weekly challenge is rather cool. The girls put on green bodysuits that will make them invisible against a green-screen, so that an audience can focus entirely on how the clothing is presented. Nobody's that good or that bad, and Elina is randomly judged the winner. Her prize is a Christmas-themed photo shoot that's about as Christmasy as corn on the cob. Unless women have started wearing sleeveless mini-dresses in the dead of December, and I just missed it.

Another minor fight breaks out back at the house, because Elina's an atheist and doesn't "deserve" to win a holiday-themed prize. You know, I was relieved when Clark was eliminated, as it paved the way for a bitchless season, but I've got to say, if there isn't going to be a bitch, then there's really no point in airing the fights. Especially fights this stupid.

The week's photo challenge is really the seasonal CoverGirl commercial, which Whitney introduces. She looks good. The girls have a teleprompter this time, because even Tyra and Company are sick of people forgetting their lines. Joslyn, who has been feeling more and more ill, upchucks into a trashcan, but it's mostly liquid. Yes, I was eating dinner as I watched this episode. Thanks for nothing, producers. Elina, Analeigh, and Sheena all do a good job with the commercial. Joslyn and McKey are so-so, while Samantha and Marjorie are terrible. At panel, the girls walk in wooden shoes for no reason other than to foreshadow the upcoming trip to Amsterdam. The judges must have been smoking some of Amsterdam's most famous export, as they decide that Elina's perfectly fine performance was too tight and controlled, while Joslyn's not-great-but-not-terrible performance sucked rocks.

Analeigh is deservedly called first. She may be the most boring contestant to date, but she gave a very natural read of the commercial lines. She's followed by Sheena, Samantha, Marjorie, and McKey, leaving Elina and Joslyn in the bottom two. Tyra pulls the bitchiest move she has in a while, purposely raising Joslyn's hopes of surviving to next week, only to snatch it away and eliminate her instead. Boo! As she fades out, Back to the Future style, we're left with the whitest set of finalists ever. Sheena must be feeling pretty lonely right about now.

Next week on America's Next Top Model: Amsterdam. The girls window-pose in the whore district.

Overall Grade: B

Did You Push My Sports Bra Off the Ledge?

The Amazing Race - Season 13, Episode 3

Previously on The Amazing Race: Ten teams raced from Brazil to...Brazil. Nick and Starr's alliance with Ken and Tina pissed off Terence and Sarah, despite the fact that said alliance has yet to accomplish anything. Mark and Bill's mad phat geek skills came in handy at the computer-based Detour, but not enough to beat Ken and Tina to the mat. Meanwhile, at the back of the pack, Anthony's love of dysfunctional cars and Stephanie's love of dysfunctional relationships got them a one-way ticket to Eliminationville. Nine teams remain. Who will be eliminated next?

Opening credits. I wish Anita and Arthur were still around to explain to me why one needs a tractor to be a bee farmer.

Fortaleza, Brazil. Phil fills us in on this week's scintillating pitstop drama. It seems Christy had hung her sports bra on a ledge to dry and it "mysteriously" dropped off. What's mysterious about that? Hanging clothes fall down all the time. It took me three tries to get my lab coat on a hook the other day. Anyhow, Christy suspects that Starr maliciously sabotaged her bra, giving us the titular quote early this week. Starr laughs about this in interview, because she hasn't had more than four minutes' worth of interaction with Christy in her life, so why would she need to concoct some petty revenge scheme? And as Starr adds, what would be gained by doing this? Earth logic doesn't really apply to Christy, though, so she's convinced that Nick and Starr are now her and Kelly's sworn enemies. Jesus. At least Terence and Sarah's pitstop fight had a point, dumb as it was. This is just a waste of downtime. No wonder Kelly and Christy are such shitty racers.

Ken and Tina are first off the mat at 12:51 AM. Rrrrrrrip! The clue tells them to get to La Paz, Bolivia, so the freshman-level Spanish the teams keep yelling out will finally be relevant. Phil warns us that La Paz is 12,000 feet above sea level, so it takes an hour to boil an egg. Or that teams may get altitude sickness. One of the two. Once in town, teams must make their way to a statue of Simon Bolivar. In the morning, a stack of newspapers will be dropped off there, and somewhere in the classified ads is the next clue. Tina tries to lead Ken away from the mat so that other teams won't see them. Um, Tina? I'm pretty sure that everyone's headed to the airport. No need to be quite so devious. She interviews that she and Ken need to work on how they communicate. Ken is silent. Seems like normal breeder communication to me. Zing!

Mark and Bill leave the mat at 12:52 AM. In a statement I didn't catch as portentous the first time, Mark says that taking extra time to analyze situations pays off in ways that rushing headlong into a task doesn't. Terence and Sarah leave the mat at 1:13 AM, and upon learning of their destination, Sarah squeals at such a high pitch that her glasses shatter. OK, not really, but I'm trying to spice up this slow-starting season for you. She interviews that she's realized that other teams are trying to beat them because they're in some kind of race. Nice catch, Sarah. Next week, we'll tackle how eating food helps alleviate hunger. Aja and Ty leave the mat at 1:14 AM. Aja says that so far, the race has helped affirm how much she loves and cares about Ty. Toni and Dallas leave the mat at 1:15 AM. Dallas says it's cool to be learning about his mom on such a different level (i.e., the competitive, physical side). Makes sense. I can't even picture my mother in this setting.

Teams begin to arrive at the airport. Nick and Starr leave the mat at 1:17 AM. Starr says that you have be careful, because you don't want to piss other teams off, thereby putting a target on your back. I don't know. I agree that being needlessly offensive is rude and unwise (And Starr? Perhaps you should pass that lesson along to your brother), but there's a limit to how gentle you need to be with moronic people like Christy. I guess Starr's just worried about being on the business end of a U-Turn, which is understandable. Kelly and Christy leave the mat at 1:18 AM. They giggle stupidly about never getting mad at each other, but ganging up to get mad at other people.

Limecrete: "Hahahashutthefuckup."
LabRat: "You don't like them much, do you?"

Andrew and Dan are off at 1:22 AM. Dan, the tourism management major, announces that they're going to "Laaaaa Paaaaaaz". They seem resignedly satisfied to be in the middle of the pack, though leaving eighth out of nine isn't what I'd consider "middle". Andrew boasts about how sexy he looks, and though he's (partially) kidding, it'd still be a good idea to wait until one's chin isn't breaking out to brag about how hot one is. The captions say that the IBs leave at 1:22 AM, but I think there's a general rule about teams leaving at least one minute apart, no matter how close they were when they checked in, so I'm going to go ahead and assume they meant 1:23 AM. IB#3 is convinced they're underestimated, just cause they've come in second-to-last in both legs so far. Even though there are two flights to La Paz, we're thankfully spared the drama of purchasing tickets and waiting in line at the gate.

La Paz, Bolivia. Costumed dancers sashay through the streets. The sun sets instantly, and the teams arrive in the darkness of night. They immediately notice how much more difficult it is to breathe. As each team arrives at the statue of Simon Bolivar, a nice local lady hands out blankets for what is sure to be a restful night's sleep on the street. There's a little grousing, but IB#3 earns her first point by cracking that at least they get to sleep right next to Simon Bolivar. Heh. In the morning, the locals get bustling. Teams shave and do their makeup as they wait for the paper. Nick tries to make peace with Kelly and Christy. I've got it freeze-framed on their scowling faces, and it couldn't be more obvious that they've already made up their minds to hate Nick and Starr for essentially no reason. Kelly snots that they don't care what Nick or anyone else thinks of them. I sure am shocked that their marriages didn't work out. Other teams have better things to do that actually relate to the race. Go figure. Sarah/Terence/Tina/Starr recruit some Ferns.

The stacks of newspapers land, and teams swarm all over them. Dan is the first to find the clue, which is unfortunately written in English. Think how much cooler it would have been to alert the teams to the clue, but leave the specifics in Spanish. This season is really lacking oomph so far. The clue tells the teams to make their way to Narvaez' Hat and Shoe Store near Plaza Murillo, and to buy a traditional Cholita hat that they should hang onto. Once they buy a hat, the next clue will be handed over. Dan and Andrew take off, closely followed by Ken/Tina/Nick/Starr. Dallas spots the clue. Terence and Sarah. Mark and Bill. The two latter teams are told by Sarah's Fern that it's within walking distance, though the previous teams got taxis. Kelly and Christy spot the clue. Aja and Ty. And once again, last out of the gate are the IBs.

Traffic snarls the cab teams, so Terence and Sarah manage to reach the shop at the same time as the Fratties. Detour! This week, the choice is between Musical March and Bumpy Ride. In Musical March, teams have to walk to two plazas that are several blocks apart. In each plaza, they'll pick up members of a marching band. Once the band is complete, they'll lead it to another plaza where the bandleader will hand over the next clue. In Bumpy Ride, teams make their way to a street, where they'll select a pair of locally-crafted bicycles. The cycles are very cool-looking, but they're certainly not made with modern materials. Termites could take them out, so I'd worry a bit about safety. Once they're geared up, teams follow a provided map, and ride down the bumpy, cobblestone streets to the same plaza that the bandleader stands in. The next clue awaits them there. Oh, and "Caution: U-Turn ahead". Phil explains that the U-Turn allows one team to force another (behind them) to go back and complete the Detour option that they didn't do previously. There are only two U-Turns, and once a team has used one, they cannot use another.

Dan isn't a strong bike rider, so the Fratties go for Musical March. They note that the clue requires that teams make their way to the Detours by foot. It'd be interesting to see them try and cart the band members around in a cab. Sarah and Terence don't have time to read, so they go ahead and grab a taxi. Sigh. I'd say that this jaw-droppingly stupid move of acting without reading the clue is a light motif for this season, but it seems to be a light motif of every season. Mark and Bill choose Bumpy Ride. And...get a cab. Double sigh. The IBs go for Musical March, while Ken and Tina opt for Bumpy Ride. Kelly and Christy choose Bumpy Ride, as do Aja and Ty. Kelly and Christy have actually learned something, and figure out that they can't get a cab. In their cab, Terence (with Fern ensconced on his lap...hehe) points out to Sarah that the clue mentions traveling by foot. Mark and Bill haven't caught the snap.

Sarah says that they have to go back to the hat shop and start over. It cuts to an exterior shot of the car, with Terence saying that "this is a huge mistake". On first viewing, I thought he was suggesting that going back was a bad idea, and gave her all the credit for fixing their error. But seeing this again, I'm forced to give Terence more credit. I think he may have been saying that getting into the cab in the first place was their mistake; not going back. Plus, they don't even show him saying that now, but cut to an exterior shot, which is usually a good clue that a sound byte has been jammed in where it doesn't belong. Mark shoots himself in the foot even further by tempting Fate and saying that he thinks he and Bill are doing really well.

Commercials. Good idea, Zach Braff. Get all the voice-over work you can, before it's too late.

Nick/Starr choose Bumpy Ride, and Toni/Dallas currently in last place, choose the same. That seems like an odd choice on their part, but the bikes do sound faster, if more difficult. Mark and Bill arrive at the bikes in faux first place. Starr hopes someone uses the U-Turn (but not on her and Nick, obviously). Toni is already out of breath. She questions their Detour choice, but Dallas implores her to think positively. Terence convinces Sarah that once they go back to the starting point, they should change their Detour choice to Bumpy Ride. Probably wise. Look at me, all agreeing with Terence so much. The Earth has been thrown into chaos! Mark and Bill begin their ride, which is bumpy, as promised. My bigger concern would be that the brakes are tough to operate, and there's a good chance that you'd careen right into the side of a car, as Mark does now. Tina, breathing hard, wonders how the populace gets around at such a high altitude. I cannot improve upon the response that Reality Blurred had to this, which is that it's not like the entire city just arrived last night. Heh.

Terence and Sarah jog through the streets. The Fratties arrive at their first plaza, and Dan rudely snaps "Let's go, let's go, let's go!" at a couple of drummers. The two musicians begin their processional, and Dan whines about how slow they are. Yes, this is the slow, easy Detour, as opposed to the fast, difficult one. Have you not seen this show before? Andrew tries to jazz up the experience with a couple of dance steps, but Dan's in too sour a mood to go along with it. It's such fun watching someone treat this once-in-a-lifetime experience like a tedious household chore. The IBs are much cheerier, saying that they'll do well on this Detour, because they're so friendly. They draft some drummers. Mark/Bill/Terence/Sarah/Ken/Tina ride their bikes, which are more like scooters. Nobody's pedaling. Aja/Ty/Kelly/Christy get started on their bikes. Christy continues to convince herself that all Nick and Starr think about is her and how to foil her at every turn. Nick and Starr get started. Kelly and Christy veer and crash. Toni and Dallas arrive at the bikes, but Toni needs to sit down for a few minutes to catch her breath.

Mark and Bill coast into the plaza, bypass the U-Turn, and pick up their next clue. Rrrrrrrip! Teams must now make their way eight miles to Los Titanes del Ring, where the next cluebox awaits. They hop into a cab. The Fratties arrive at their second plaza, and pick up the rest of their musicians. The bike riding teams zoom downhill at a scary speed. The IBs arrive at their second plaza. Frankly, the musicians kind of suck. Their band walks a lot faster than the Fratties', and though the IBs give themselves too much credit for this, I can't argue against the idea that a positive attitude serves you better than acting perpetually put-upon. Aja begins to slow down, and Ty tries to jazz her up. This somehow becomes a metaphor for their relationship, but all I saw was a mild pep talk. Toni and Dallas get started, and Dallas begins to lose patience with her slow pace. She snaps that it's not like she's going slow on purpose. The IBs' band passes the Fratties'. The Fratties decide to follow, which is their go-to move, and not a good one. Hilariously, when the IBs spot the bandleader and break into a run, their musicians begin to run right behind them.

Ken/Tina/Terence/Sarah finish their bike ride. The IBs reach the bandleader and declare that they won't be using the U-Turn, as do a breathless Terence/Sarah/Ken/Tina. Once they're all in cabs, the Fratties finish up the Detour, and choose not to use the U-Turn. Kelly and Christy are nervous about actually riding their bikes, so they walk along beside them. This gives Aja and Ty a chance to coast right by, though Aja is chanting a mantra to get herself through it. Nick and Starr spot Kelly and Christy up ahead, and gird themselves, saying they've got to get to the U-Turn first. Kelly and Christy are equally resolute in their refusal to allow Nick and Starr to pass. Unfortunately for them, their fortitude doesn't trump the laws of physics, and Nick and Starr blow right by. It also doesn't help that Christy then has a very scary wipeout, and nearly takes out a pedestrian with her. Ouch! I'm no Christy fan, but that looked painful. As Nick and Starr pass by Ty and Aja, Starr tries to get them to do her dirty work by asking them to U-Turn Kelly and Christy. Kelly tends to the fallen Christy. Nick and Starr reach the cluebox. Nick declares that they don't want to use it, but Starr waffles.

Commercials. A sudden downpour of shoes on my car wouldn't delight me at all. I hope those flats are worth the concussion, lady.

Nick talks Starr out of using the U-Turn, which was dumb. I guess they have no way of knowing their current position, and are worried that Kelly and Christy will survive and be seeking revenge. Still, I think they should have gone for it, and not just because I despise Kelly and Christy. First, no team can bypass the first U-Turn with the idea that they'll be able to use the second one. They might, but it's more likely that either someone else will get to it first, or elimination will loom before the second one shows up. I'm not saying that's what Nick and Starr are doing, but he does mention that they only get to do it once. Well, this is a golden opportunity. They know there are two teams behind them. They know one of those teams already hates them. What would they lose by using it? If it gets Kelly and Christy eliminated, they're free and clear. If Kelly and Christy make it through, then a team that hates them...still hates them. Big deal. That's putting aside the entire argument that Kelly and Christy aren't very good racers, and the likelihood that they'll survive a U-Turn and beat Nick and Starr to the next one is remote. I know it's impossible to assess the situation in the same way that the teams do at the time, but from where I'm sitting, this looked like cowardice, pure and simple.

Aja and Ty aren't stupid enough to dirty their hands for Starr, and bypass the U-Turn as well. Kelly and Christy don't use it either, because they think they're in last place. Nope, that spot still belongs to Toni and Dallas, finishing up their ride. They manage to get a cab before Kelly and Christy. Kelly and Christy are busy whining about Nick and Starr passing them, though they should be grateful that snotting off to Nick at the Simon Bolivar statue didn't get them U-Turned. Mark and Bill's cab has to stop for gas, and Terence and Sarah's driver has no idea where he's going, so Ken and Tina are first to the next cluebox. Rrrrrrrip! Roadblock! Phil explains that in this Roadblock, the chosen team member must set aside all decorum and "fight a girl". Yay! Examples of fighting cholitas pulling each other's hair and fighting are shown. The Roadblock involves putting on an awesome spandex wrestling suit and learning a choreographed fight routine. When the Roadblocker thinks he's/she's ready, they'll enter the main ring and have to perform all six moves correctly. If they fail at any of them, they have to go back to the trainer and relearn the routine.

Ken takes on the Roadblock, which requires that teams hand over the hat from the hat shop. I'll go ahead and tell you now that nobody forgets their hat, so this portion of the task is glossed over from here on out. They enter the arena, which is crowded with spectators. Ken looks around for a cholita, until Tina realizes that the line of women standing right in front of them are the people in question. The Scratching Record of Oh No, You Di'int is played. Ken selects a woman and runs off to change. The IBs arrive next, having picked up some time during their cab ride. IB#3 takes the Roadblock.

All the outfits are funny enough to warrant a mention, so Ken's spandex uniform is dark orange (or red), with a gold belt, purple briefs, gold cape and boots, and a lightning bolt over his belly button. He begins to learn the routine. Mark and Bill arrive. Mark takes the Roadblock. IB#3's outfit is pink (natch), with a silver belt and a red face logo of some type on her chest. Mark's is red, with blue briefs, silver gloves, and a skull on the chest. They begin training, and Ken decides he's ready to give the routine a try. He runs in to the cheers of the crowd. Tina plotzes. The routine is delightful; it's full of kicks and punches and flips and Bolivian ladies bodyslamming referees.

Ken makes it through on his first attempt, and receives the next clue. Rrrrrrrip! Teams must now make their way by taxi to the pitstop, Mirador el Monticulo, a hilltop park that overlooks one of the highest peaks in the area. Last one here will have plenty of time to rest...IN ELIMINATIONVILLE! Ken and Tina grab a cab, and in some very clever editing, Ken begins to chant "Go, go, go, go!" right before a smash cut to Terence and Sarah, saying "Stop, stop, stop, stop!" They've spotted a red and yellow flag, but it's not the one they're looking for. They've arrived at a soccer game, which makes sense as a destination. They learn they're in the wrong place, and take off again. Aja and Ty's cab runs out of gas. Smooth move, driver. The Fratties are again stuck in traffic somewhere, but Toni and Dallas are making good time. Aja and Ty find another cab. Terence and Sarah figure out they're not far away, and ditch their cab to walk.

Shockingly, the next team to arrive is Toni and Dallas, having jumped five places during the ride from the Detour to the Roadblock. Dallas takes the Roadblock. Next is Terence/Sarah, with Sarah taking the Roadblock. Yeah, Terence is more into dealing emotional damage than physical damage. Nick takes the Roadblock. Mark thinks he's ready to do the routine. He flubs his somersault into the ring, and is sent back out to the trainer. Dan and Ty take the Roadblock for their teams. IB#3 attempts her routine, but misses the duck and flip move. She's sent back outside. Dallas, in his very yummy, tight-fitting yellow spandex with purple briefs, gold belt and an eagle logo, is ready to attempt the routine. Kelly and Christy arrive at the Roadblock in last place. Kelly and Christy arrive at the Roadblock in last place. Sorry, I had to say that twice so that I could truly savor the moment. Kelly takes the Roadblock. As the Non-Roadblockers wait for their teammates to learn the routine, Aja tattles to Christy about how Starr tried to convince them to use the U-Turn. Sneaky.

Dallas has no trouble with the routine, and he and Toni are off to the pitstop, having jumped yet another two places. Sarah emerges in her silver spandex suit with...a wolf on her chest? A panther? The chupacabra? Anyhow, she messes up the "taunting" move (essentially running around the ring in a circle before somersaulting back in). Mark describes that the physical exertion of the task plus the high altitude was giving him a lot of trouble. Nick (red spandex with yellow briefs and a jaguar or cougar or some other big cat), Dan (blue spandex with red briefs and a scorpion), and Ty (yellow spandex with black briefs and a lizard) practice. Mark has to pause and suck oxygen from a tank on the sidelines. Uh, oh. That's not a good sign. Dan completes the routine, so the Fratties have picked up a lot of time on this one. They get a cab. Dan has apparently stolen his wrestling outfit. I'd totally want to keep mine, too. Nick and Ty pass their routines. Mark's still hitting the gas. Nick/Starr/Ty/Aja leave, and Mark comes out for his second attempt. He's still light-headed, and screws up again. Rut roh. Mark goes back to training. Bill frets.

Commercials. Political ad after political ad. Ah, the joys of living in a battleground state.

The Geeks continue to worry. Meanwhile, Ken (also still in his spandex) and Tina pull up to the pitstop, and check in as team number one for the second consecutive week. The greeter has a neato outfit on, the pinnacle of which is a giant umbrella of feathers coming out of her hat.

Phil: "You're team number one!"
LabRat: "And here's Janet Jackson to greet you!"

They win a much better prize this time, a trip for two to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. Nice. They agree that their relationship is becoming much more enjoyable for both of them, which is sweet, but it'll be more telling to see how they feel about each other when they're not in first place. IB#3 comes out for her second attempt, and Mark comes out for his third. They both pass. Once the IBs and Geeks are gone, Sarah comes out and passes her second attempt. Well, I guess that leaves Kelly and Christy in last place. Well, I guess that leaves Kelly and Christy in last place. Kelly (yellow spandex, green briefs, cobra) begins her routine. The other teams make slow progress in their cabs. Kelly finishes, and they head out. Terence and Sarah pass the Geeks. Toni and Dallas manage to land as team number two, which is really impressive, given their rocky start this week. The IBs have a speedy cab, and pass Nick/Starr/Fratties. Terence and Sarah pass Nick and Starr. I'll skip the rest of the passing action. You get the point that there's a lot of shuffling going on.

During the cab ride, Christy tells Kelly about what Aja said regarding the U-Turn. Kelly uses this as evidence for why Starr sucks, though Starr probably wouldn't have suggested it if Kelly and Christy hadn't been such bitches to begin with. Egocentric people thrive on circular logic. As a result of all the passing, Terence and Sarah manage to slide in as team number three, with the IBs right behind them as team four. As the Geeks ride to the pitstop, Bill finally reads the Detour clue, and discovers that they were supposed to get to the bikes by foot. Now they know they're in for a penalty, which I suppose is a small blessing compared to being hit with the news as a surprise. Nick is convinced that he and Starr can pass Aja and Ty in the footrace to the mat. He is incorrect. Though Aja barely manages to avoid knocking Phil over, she and Ty do make it there first, checking in as team five, with Nick and Starr as team six. The Fratties check in as team seven. If you're a Fratty fan, I'd suggest enjoying your time with them now, because these seventh and eighth place finishes aren't going to cut it when there are...seven or eight teams left.

The Geeks regret not using the U-Turn. Eh. Unlike Nick and Starr's situation, it does no good for the team in first to use it, as they'd have no idea who they should choose. Mark and Bill are told they're "the eighth team to arrive" (as opposed to "team number eight"), but that they've incurred a thirty minute penalty for taking a taxi to the Detour. That's plenty of time for Kelly and Christy to catch up and check in as team number eight. BOO! As I said in the short version, if the Geeks had just taken five seconds to read their clue, or if Nick and Starr had had the balls to use the U-Turn, this episode would have turned out much better. As it is, we now get to enjoy these tiresome women for yet another week, while the genuinely cool Geeks are fairly, but unhappily eliminated. BOO AGAIN! Mark admits that losing a footrace would have been acceptable, but losing because he didn't read something correctly just kills him. I'll bet. They're embarrassed to have gone out on what was supposedly their strength, but are thrilled with the experience and each other. Aw.

Next week on The Amazing Race: Aja and Ty get into a fight. Starr disregards safety instructions and possibly breaks her arm. Christy finds a way to make both events all about her. Phil doesn't say that, of course, but it's probably safe to assume.

Overall Grade: C

Finale

Project Runway - Season 5, Episode 14

For the first time, the fight for all the marbles comes down to three ladies. The first part of the episode glides by without much to remark on, as it's been with the majority of the season. The designers are busy. Kenley's snooty and defensive. Rinse and repeat. Models are chosen, including an extremely rough-looking Naima.

Korto wisely ditches her fugly wedding dress and cobbles together two new looks, both of which are an improvement, though I wish she would've steered away from that dismal beige fabric. Kenley's first down the final runway, and two of her looks are downright beautiful. The rest are merely okay, save one with that nasty granny print Kenley's so fond of, and another that would have been nice, had it not had a tumor of the granny fabric growing out of it.

Korto's line has a beautiful African feel to it, and she's clearly made improvements to several garments since Tim's visit. Leanne incorporates the panels symbolic of waves into every garment, some of which are more successful than others. Though Nina rightly points out that there's a danger of becoming one-note, she also points out that Leanne provided shorts, dresses, skirts, jackets, and pants. It's refreshing that all three of the lines are good, and there's no worry of a flash-in-the-pan poseur winning. Not that that's ever happened.

When it comes down to the final decision (with Tim as guest judge, since Jennifer Lopez (and I'm sorry, but what credentials does she have to help pick a winner of a fashion competition), bowed out due to a (possibly) fake foot injury, and have I lost control of this sentence?), no time is wasted in chucking Kenley out first. Is she snooty and defensive? She is!

An informal poll is taken amongst the viewing party, and the general feeling is that Korto will probably win the day. It is not to be, however. Leanne, who most of us discounted as a boring mouse who would probably be eliminated within four episodes, wins the competition, and I'm not sorry to see her do it. Korto's highs were higher than Leanne, but there's no denying that her lows were lower. Leanne put out consistently good work, and like Chloe, it's nice to see a winner who will clearly put her talent to good use, rather than use her win as a springboard to...be on TV a lot.

Overall Grade: B+
Overall Season Grade: C+

Do You Like American Candy?

The Amazing Race - Season 13, Episode 2

Previously on The Amazing Race: Eleven teams burst forth from the starting line to Salvador, Brazil. Well, ten teams burst. Arthur and Anita kind of strolled. Nick and Starr made an "alliance" with Ken and Tina at the airport, at which point both teams promptly went about their own business and ignored each other for the rest of the leg. Terence saved his creepy boyfriend behavior until the teams were out of the United States, as it's more difficult to flee your clingy, passive-aggressive mate when you're abroad. Ken vowed to prove his love to Tina, despite her eyebrows. Nick and Starr hustled their way to first place, and though the Detour gave the Fratties trouble (I refuse to refer to them as Team Superbad, as Phil does), Arthur and Anita fell victim to their languid style of racing, and were eliminated. Ten teams remain. Who will be eliminated next?

Opening credits. Dallas and Toni prove once again that due to some strange law on the books at CBS, every opening credit sequence must have someone engaging in basketball.

Salvador, Brazil. Phil tells us that it is known as "The Capital of Joy". Naturally, centers of joy must be well-guarded, so we get another shot of the picturesque fortress that served as the first pitstop. Not so joyous are Terence and Sarah, who spent the mandatory rest period fighting over whether she should be allowed to talk to other people. I know he's the fitness coach, but run, Sarah. Run for your life. Nick and Starr are first off the mat at 4:07 AM. Rrrrrrrip! The clue tells them to fly more than 600 miles to Fortaleza, Brazil. Once there, teams must travel by taxi to the plaza in the small town of Cumbuco, where the next clue awaits. Their taxi vrooms to the airport, which you'd think would make them happy, but Starr worries about crashing. Ken and Tina are off the mat at 4:13 AM, and we learn that teams will be getting $125 for this leg. Blah blah relationship.

Terence and Sarah share a small smooch before leaving at 4:18 AM. Oh, I guess they've worked through all their differences. As they pack their things into the trunk of the cab, the driver brings it down a little early, and smacks Terence in the forehead. Maybe the driver saw the first episode, and couldn't let such a golden opportunity pass. Oddly, Terence chooses to take out his frustrations on Sarah instead of the driver, snapping at her to bandage his boo-boo and blow on it. She interviews with a gentle smile that Terence is a ball of emotion, as if that were some delightful quirk instead of the biggest red flag since the Chinese Olympics. Mark and Bill leave the matt at 4:24 AM. I'm curious to know what Mark's tattoo says. He says that it's fortunate that he and Bill have an easy friendship instead of a tense relationship. That's true. I've certainly seen emotional baggage sink more than one team.

Nick/Starr/Ken/Tina arrive at the airport, and much Spanish is thrown around. Yes, we're still in Brazil, which is still a Portuguese-speaking nation, but even knowing this doesn't slow down the flow of "Rapido" and "Gracias" and "Hola". An airline agent tells Nick and Starr that the next flight to Fortaleza is at 11:30 AM. The two teams decide to hunt for something better. Kelly and Christy leave the mat at 4:44 AM. Hey, did you know that the two of them were in relationships that didn't work out? I know I'd like to continue hearing that every forty-three seconds! Tina finds an airline with a 6:45 AM flight to Fortaleza, but it's only got one available seat, so no teams would be able to book it. Terence and Sarah arrive at the airport, and are already bickering. That didn't take long. Tina implores the agent to work something out for the 6:45 AM flight. Dallas and Toni are off the mat at 4:57 AM. Just in case you haven't heard, there's a naked picture of Dallas flying around the internet. It keeps getting squashed, as he was supposedly underaged when he took it, but I managed to get a glimpse before it disappeared. Yowsa. The image in my mind of his dick flopping around somewhat mars the tender family moment of he and Toni exchanging heartfelt expressions of love.

The airline agent somehow wrangles the 6:45 AM flight onto a larger plane, which makes no sense to me, but whatever. As a result of this, instead of there being room for no teams on the plane, there is now room for all of them. Tina and Ken celebrate their own airport prowess, while Terence and Sarah sulk in the corner that the other teams didn't say hello to them when they got to the airport. Maybe I'm wrong about Sarah running for her life. Maybe these two deserve each other. You can try and own some silly us-against-the-world attitude, or you can be peeved that others won't extend friendly greetings to you. Not both. Mark and Bill arrive as the agent informs Tina that the flight doesn't have seat assignments. She says that Ken and Tina may go first once they're at the gate, though she doesn't seem to do anything that would make this enforceable.

Andrew and Dan leave the mat at 5:03 AM, with Aja and Ty right behind them at 5:05 AM. Dan wants to espouse a we're-going-to-come-in-first attitude, rather than a let's-just-not-be-last attitude, because "minimalists don't get anywhere in life". This despite the fact that the Bickersons certainly held the former attitude, and didn't come in first in a single leg, while TK and Rachel held the latter attitude and won the whole race. Aja and Ty are pleased, both with the time they're getting to spend with each other and with their cab driver, who runs red lights with impunity. Kelly and Christy arrive at the airport, as Terence/Sarah/Mark/Bill go to start a line at the gate. Ken and Tina, secure in the knowledge that some lady gave them verbal permission to get on the plane first, go to exchange money instead.

Anthony and Stephanie leave the mat at 5:11 AM, and immediately run to a cab that has obvious mechanical issues. Good thinking, guys! Marisa and Brooke are right on their heels, leaving last at 5:13 AM. In their ride to the airport, Stephanie interviews that she really wants to head towards marriage (well, "mahwwage"), but that the only thing that's holding them back is financial stability. Anthony doesn't make enough to take care of her, and it's important that he be able to, because after all, this is 1955 and it would be improper for her to have a job. Heaven forfend she actually contribute to the family income. Marisa and Brooke want to break out of last place, sighing that the race is a lot harder than they thought it'd be. Yeah, it's official. They are now Interchangeable Blond #3 (IB#3) and Interchangeable Blond #4 (IB#4). Be sure to wake me up and tell me if they ever acquire actual personalities.

Meanwhile, Tina is wandering around the airport trying to get other teams to thank her (and in Aja and Ty's case, telling them they owe her a favor) for getting everyone onto the earlier flight. Er...Tina? I've got a question for you, not unlike one you'd find on a high school standardized test. Ready? Turning a ten-way tie at 11:30 AM into a ten-way tie at 6:45 AM is:

A) A stroke of genius.
B) Benevolent and kind.
C) Possibly helpful in terms of getting to tasks earlier in the day, but otherwise pointless.
D) Seriously, the answer is C.

Nobody is helped by this maneuver. Nobody is hindered by this maneuver. Aja and Ty completely blow her off, which is kind of awesome. The lagging teams arrive and get tickets, whereupon IB#3 gives us the titular quote. Passing around food to strangers in the airport would probably get them tossed into Guantanamo if they were still in Los Angeles, but the good folks in the Capital of Joy don't seem to mind.

Drama erupts at the gate when Ken and Tina assert their right to go first, so that they can sit near the front of the plane. It would be silly to get into many details of the shouting match that follows, because none of the teams seem to get that it doesn't matter. Sure it might matter if one team was in the front row, and one team was in the back. Might. It probably wouldn't, as the team order is naturally going to shift the second anyone comes up against customs or getting a taxi. In this case, it's especially pointless, because all the teams are lined up together in a free-seating situation. The space difference between the lead team and the last team wouldn't be more than fifteen feet. Anyhow, Mark bitches a bit, and Terence snarks that he doesn't believe Tina got an entire airline to switch planes just for her. Tina once again brings out her trump card of how nobody would even be on this plane if it weren't for her, once again overlooking the fact that NOBODY INCLUDES HER. Ken and Terence getting into a pissing match, and both desperately need to shut the fuck up.

Commercials. Wow, a new crime procedural on CBS that appears to be an exact clone of all the other crime procedurals on CBS. I'll be sure to check that out.

Everyone makes up and it's all hearts and flowers now. They still need to shut the fuck up. The plane takes off, lands in Fortaleza, and the second everyone deplanes, the team order is shuffled. Go figure. Stephanie barks some more Spanish at her cab driver, who's driving an even worse jalopy than the one in Salvador. A flat tire or two, and they may catch up to RoKi in the bad car luck department. Rather than just getting another cab, Anthony decides to get out and push his to try and get it going. These two are terrible racers, and not particularly interesting people. How did they get cast? They finally ditch to find another cab, but not before all the other teams have left. Ken and Tina are currently in ninth place. Wow, getting on first in Salvador sure helped them out!

The Fratties' cab is slow, so Terence/Sarah are first to the cluebox. Rrrrrrrip! The clue tells them to choose a dune buggy to take them down the beach to a vendor who will hand over the next clue. Wait, that's it? They don't even have to drive the dune buggies themselves? Lame. A bunch of other teams soon show up, and we're treated to shots of them streaming down the beach in their buggies. It looks fun to do, but it's not much fun to watch. Anthony and Stephanie are struck by the living conditions around them, though we don't really see anything that bad. I mean, relatively. I'm not packing up and moving to Fortaleza, but it's certainly nothing like the piles of garbage on the side of the roads. Anthony and Stephanie vow to be more thankful for what they have. Aja/Ty/Andrew/Dan miss the cluebox and fall behind. A guy on the beach moons the IBs.

Terence and Sarah reach the vendor, who hands over the next clue. Rrrrrrrip! Detour! The choice is Beach It or Docket. In Beach It, teams take another dune buggy ride to another section of the beach, where they'll choose a two-man crew to help them roll a 440-pound boat 100 yards to the water by moving the heavy logs it rests on back-to-front. In Docket, teams ride a buggy to the port, where several shipping containers are kept. Once they get there, they choose a computer and comb through several serial numbers until they find one that matches their clue. The number will be matched with a certain section of the shipyard, and when the team locates the correct shipping container, they'll find their next clue inside. Interesting choice. Terence and Sarah unsurprisingly choose Beach It, as do Kelly/Christy/Toni/Dallas, who are right behind them. Mark and Bill play to their strengths by choosing Docket. The three lead teams get started on hauling their logs, and Mark and Bill are soon at the shipyard administration building, searching for their serial number.

Nick and Starr choose Beach It, while the IBs opt for Docket. Having done that, they proceed to instruct their dune buggy driver to follow Nick and Starr, because the muscly young kids are sure to choose the computer task, right? Ken wants to Beach It, and Tina reluctantly agrees. Andrew/Dan/Aja/Ty all easily settle on Beach It. Andrew is confident, saying that he and Dan lift weights all the time. When will it start showing? Nick and Starr arrive at the beach, and it takes the IBs a good five seconds or so to realize that this isn't the shipyard. They decide to just go ahead and do the Beach It Detour. Mark and Bill find their serial number, which is as good an excuse as any for Bill to whip out his Yoda impersonation. As they move logs, Terence yells at Sarah for doing push-ups that morning, because now she's tired. In his estimation, that is. She hasn't slowed down on moving the logs at all. Ass.

LabRat: "I hope she's getting a good, long look at her future."

It pisses Kelly off as well, because her ex-husband had similar abusive behavior. Oh, you hadn't heard? Kelly is divorced. That is the only thing that has ever happened to her. Other teams roll their logs, with varying degrees of success.

Mark and Bill search the shipyard. Anthony and Stephanie are only now just arriving at the Detour clue, and choose Beach It. Andrew and Dan arrive at the Beach It site, where Dan hopes that jumping onto the boat itself will somehow help complete the task. He needs to start lifting his brain. Mark and Bill find the correct area of the shipyard. Terence and Sarah get their boat into the water, and receive the next clue. Rrrrrrrip! Teams must now go to the nearby taxis and take one to the Parque de Vaquejada, where they'll find the next clue. Terence and Sarah discuss where to get their taxi, somehow missing that they're right below them, with arrows pointing the way. Nick and Starr finish, and have no such issue. They head for the taxis, as Terence suggests running all the way down the beach to avoid walking up a single hill. Kelly and Christy do an impressive job on the boat, but a far less impressive job reading the clue in their hands. They get the impression that they've got to find their "unmarked container", which are instructions from the Docket Detour. Even the phrase "in the yard" fails to tip them off.

Speaking of containers, Mark and Bill find the correct one, and are off to the Parque de Vaquejada. Terence and Sarah head for a little village. Sarah realizes that there's nobody behind them, which is not necessarily good news. Mark and Bill somehow get a taxi before Nick and Starr, so they take the lead. Terence and Sarah wander around the village, wondering why they can't get a cab. Kelly and Christy, instead of taking thirty seconds to read and comprehend their clue, decide to start digging in the sand to find their container. Fools. I get that they're in race mode, but this is just idiotic. Toni and Dallas finish Beach It, and as Dallas reads the clue, it sounds an awful lot like they're headed for the "Parque de Rocky Horror". Ken and Tina are finished, as well. Even though Kelly and Christy saw none of the other teams pawing at the sand before they left, they continue digging, hoping that they'll randomly stumble across the next clue.

Terence and Sarah still can't find a cab, and Terence's suggestion to stop and enjoy an ice cream cone doesn't offer much promise of finding one. Ken and Tina bicker about nothing. Cabs with teams on the way to Parque de Vaquejada pass by Terence and Sarah, which ought to give them a heads-up about where they went wrong. They'd rather stand in the village and complain. Tina tells Ken he ought to think about a situation in which they're broken down and need to ask another team for help. Eh. I see what she means, but I think she'd do better to concentrate on racing, rather than what she's done for other teams and what they can do for her. Terence groans in frustration, though not to the point where he actually heads for the cabs or anything.

Commercials. I like this take-charge ad demanding cleaner energy. Not that anyone in Washington is actually listening, but it's a good first step.

Toni and Dallas stop in the village to tell Terence and Sarah where the cabs are. Again, that's nice of them, but they'll have only themselves to blame if at some point, Terence and Sarah come roaring past and get Toni and Dallas eliminated. Ty notices the flushed, exhausted faces of the IBs, which gets him pumped up about finishing the Detour. Aja cracks that their faces don't get red. Heh. Andrew and Dan finish, and head for the taxis. Kelly and Christy finally decide to stop digging. Aja and Ty finish hauling their boat. Once they get to their taxi, Kelly and Christy actually take a minute to read the clue (imagine that), and figure out where they went wrong. The IBs finish the Detour, though they look completely wiped. Anthony and Stephanie finish as well. Terence and Sarah reach the cabs, having fallen eight places during their little adventure. Anthony and Stephanie are still behind them, though Anthony does one thing right in that he spends the ride reading the clue to make sure he understands everything. We hear a bit about how teams should ask their taxi to wait once they get to Parque de Vaquejada, so we know that'll be significant soon.

Mark and Bill arrive, ask their driver to wait, and rush to the next cluebox. Rrrrrrrip! Roadblock! As you know, a Roadblock is a task that only one team member may perform. In this Roadblock, the chosen team member has to study a wall with a bunch of ads, signs, and other things written in Portuguese for their next destination, Cidade da Crianca. Once they give the correct destination to a clue-wrangler, they'll get the next clue. It seems to be a simple matter of writing down everything that looks significant and just reciting it until you get it correct. That's even lamer than the get-driven-a-short-distance-in-a-dune-buggy task. At least that one had pretty scenery. Bill takes it on. He writes a couple of things down, neither of which are the correct answer. Ken and Tina show up, and Tina takes the Roadblock. Bill figures out what to do, and Tina soon figures it out by observing what he's doing and asking him if he's just writing everything down. He sighs that he's just reflexively honest, but I believe it wouldn't have taken Tina long to figure this one out, anyway.

Nick and Starr's driver doesn't know where to go, and they stop to get directions by yelling up to the driver of a huge semi. Starr begins to freak out a bit, but Nick manages to pull her back from the brink. Toni and Dallas arrive at the Roadblock, and assign it to Toni. Andrew takes it for the Fratties. Mark reads off the correct location, and the clue-wrangler hands over the next clue. It directs them to take their waiting taxi to the pitstop at Cidade da Crianca, which is a beautiful park with some interesting architecture, built as "an oasis for the city's children". Weird. Mark and Bill are off, more Spanish being thrown around. Tina reads off her scribblings to the clue-wrangler, who is plainly bored out of his gourd. I don't blame him. This task kind of blows. She reads off the correct location, so she and Ken easily catch up to Mark and Bill at a red light. There's some good-natured joshing back and forth about letting the "fat boys" win one, but nothing doing. Ken and Tina's cab guns it when the light turns green, leaving the Geeks in the dust.

Nick and Starr arrive at the Roadblock, and give it to Nick. Kelly and Christy are chanting in unison "We. Have. Learned. To. Read. The. Clue." They both roll their eyes. Aja and Ty pass them, and are next to the Roadblock, where Aja takes it on. Kelly and Christy, in their hurry to get started on the task, don't ask their taxi to wait, and it drives off. Ha! That strong resolve to read their clues sure lasted a long time. Mark and Bill laugh about how they've now got to beat the ex-professional football player in a footrace. Heh. Both teams arrive at about the same time, and neither can quite figure out where to enter.

Ken and Tina edge Mark and Bill out to the mat, and celebrate when Phil tells them they're team number one. They win one of those crappy pitstop prizes, a pair of off-road vehicles, which will be so handy in the streets of Tampa. Mark and Bill check in as team number two. Phil asks Ken why it's so important to be here, and he and Tina make a strange analogy between winning a leg and putting their marriage back together. I don't begrudge them the win (I still find them far less annoying than I planned to), but that's pretty weak. Mark says that if coming in first helps them repair their marriage even a degree, then screw the ATVs. Heh, he just knows he wouldn't have any use for them. It was still sweet, and Tina gives him and Bill a hug.

The IBs and Terence/Sarah reach the Roadblock, where IB#3 and Sarah take it on. Terence wants to get smoochy-faced, but Sarah's like "Have you noticed that there's this race and we're not doing so well right now?" Nick mutters to Sarah that they should work together, but when he learns that she just got there and doesn't have much helpful information, completely abandons her to go confer with Andrew. Cold. Christy reads off the correct location, so she and Kelly have vaulted back to third place. They rush out to the road to try and flag down another taxi. Aja gets the correct location. Sarah and Toni are right behind her. Kelly outright asks Christy if she thinks the taxi may have just gone to hang out with the others, and Christy immediately dismisses the idea, though this is exactly what has happened. Nick/Andrew/IB#3/Anthony are all being idiotically obtuse about the Roadblock. Kelly and Christy sing a chorus of "Poor Us, We're Out of It".

Commercials. Hey, KFC? The public's issue with you isn't that your "chicken" isn't cheap. We know it is. The problem is that your chicken tastes like barber shop sweepings.

The Roadblock teams continue to struggle. The other knot of teams arrives at the pitstop at the same time, and check in together as teams three (Terence/Sarah), four (Aja/Ty), and five (Toni/Dallas). Terence and Sarah take the opportunity to say that though they didn't plan to work with anyone on the race, that all changed when they got some unsolicited advice. Kelly and Christy still can't find their taxi. Nick swears to God that he'll share the answer with Andrew when he finds it, then proceeds to abandon him as abruptly as he did Sarah. I don't mind teams not helping each other, but this purposeful misdirection doesn't accomplish anything but engendering ill will. Again, Kelly and Christy finally do what they should have done to begin with, and check the group of remaining taxis, whereupon they discover that theirs has been there the whole time. I'm beginning to see why the marriages didn't work out. "Honey, I thought you were going to make dinner." "Oh, the food's in the refrigerator!?!?"

Andrew gets the right answer, and Dan jumps in celebration. So much for not being happy with a let's-not-come-in-last attitude. The IBs get it as well, causing Stephanie to grouse that "now we're in last place". Now? Honey, you've been in last place since the word "Go". They eventually get the correct answer, but not before Nick and Starr check in as team six. Kelly and Christy are disappointed to hear that they're team seven. They're lucky they're not still digging up the beach. Andrew/Dan/IBs have similar issues getting into the park as earlier teams, but it's not like it makes a huge difference who finds it first. The Fratties are team eight, and the IBs once again roll in second-to-last. Anthony and Stephanie run up to the mat, are greeted, and eliminated. I fail to rend my clothes in twain. Stephanie says they had a great time together, and hope they can get their act together enough to get married. Anthony's not worried about that. He says he's thankful that he has "my health, my parents, my looks [snerk], and I have Stephanie". Well, the order of that little list is pretty telling. I hope Stephanie hasn't booked the church yet.

Next week on The Amazing Race: The teams are struck with altitude sickness. Ken impresses Tina by flinging himself around in Mexican wrestling gear. Er...OK.

Overall Grade: C+

Carpet Bombing

America's Next Top Model - Season 11, Episode 6

Previously on America's Next Top Model: Marjorie was a ball of nerves. Samantha made waves at the photo shoot. Clark, who I thought was going to coast to the end despite an obvious lack of beauty or personality, got the business end of a very welcome elimination. LabRat (entering the apartment just as Tyra recaps Clark's booting): "Yay!" Eight girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Now that Brittany and her condescending lectures are gone, Elina and Samantha feel free to sit at the kitchen table and bitch about their controlling mothers. In the other room, Analeigh is starting to realize that she's the most boring contestant to date. Except for Mollie Sue, maybe. Tyra meets the girls at a challenge where they're told to pick a signature pose on the spot. Marjorie works her awkwardness into a Hunchback of Notre Dame series of poses, which Tyra loves. Or is it that she loves that Marjorie kisses her ass midway through? It's a mystery for the ages. Analeigh's "rebel ice skater" poses don't garner much praise, and joining her in the ranks of the boring is Lauren Brie, who is cursed with the pretty-but-bland mark that has taken down so many contestants. Marjorie wins the challenge, and takes Analeigh along to pick out some diamonds.

The photo shoot is done at a majestic theater, and has the girls portray various red carpet disasters. Marjorie blows the judges away with her shot of trying to pee around a designer gown. No, really. Samantha (can't read cue cards due to bright light) has a terrible photo, as does Lauren Brie, who can't figure out how to follow the photographer's instruction that she trip over herself and fall naturally, but gracefully. Go figure. Sheena loses her pupils as she glares at a model stepping on her gown, and Elina can't cry convincingly, even though she's actually crying. There are plenty of good shots, too. Analeigh entrances the judges with her shot of a snotty reporter, even though looking snotty is the easiest pose in the world. Joslyn (another woman shows up in the same gown) has a lovely semi-profile shot, and McKey looks beautifully awkward as a nominee who unexpectedly loses. Still, neither of them can overcome the judges' rapture over Marjorie's pee shot, and she gets the coveted called-first prize. Sheena and Lauren Brie drop to the bottom two, and Lauren Brie's inability to rise above being pretty gets her axed.

Yes, Analeigh is still in the competition, and Lauren Brie is not. It's a good thing I stopped taking this show seriously several cycles ago.

Overall Grade: B-

There Goes the Bride

Project Runway - Season 5, Episode 13

Before the designers are sent home to complete their lines for Fashion Week, Heidi springs another challenge on them. One of the looks must be a wedding dress that represents the designer's vision and their line in general. That dispensed with, the designers disperse to various parts of the country, and Tim goes to check in on them some weeks later.

Korto has a sweet workspace in Little Rock, and rocks out on some African drums to show the cultural inspiration that goes into her work. She also introduces her family, including an adorable daughter, to Tim. From there, it's on to Portland, Oregon, where Leanne makes him ride a bicycle. It's just as amusing as you're picturing it to be, and amazing that he's able to keep such perfect posture as he rides. After meeting Jerell's brood in Los Angeles, Tim wraps up the visits in New York, where Kenley shows off some promising work and an awesome old picture of her grandma. I'm not sure how telling it is that she's the only designer to not present friends or family to Tim.

The designers reconvene, and though Kenley is still not the most popular kid on the block, the other designers begrudgingly welcome her. As in seasons past, yet another challenge is foisted upon the designers before the runway show: They must make a companion bridesmaid dress to go with the wedding dress. Kenley, who was showing promise in not being as whiny as in weeks past, pisses it away by complaining that other designers are copying her because they're editing their bridesmaid dresses to be shorter. Shut the fuck up, lady.

At the runway show, Leanne is deservedly praised for a terrific wedding/bridesmaid dress combination. Kenley's is declared a bit derivative, but is good enough to get her passed to the finals. That leaves Jerell and Korto, both of whom did a pretty crappy job on the final challenge. Though Korto's is uglier, she has a lot more design potential than Jerell, so nobody at the viewing party minds when he's eliminated. So it's an all-female final three, and for the first time, I'm pretty sure all three lines will be tasteful. No exploding turkeys on the runway, for once! How refreshing.

Overall Grade: B-

Bees Are Much Calmer Than All This!

The Amazing Race - Season 13, Episode 1

Previously on The Amazing Race: An amazing race! An unprecedented all-likable final three led to even more good news, as winners TK and Rachel put the final nail in the I-act-like-an-asshole-because-I'm-competitive-and-need-to-be-like-this-to-win coffin by failing to lose their tempers a single time. Now, eleven fresh teams are set to dash for another million dollars. Who will win the day? Will a million dollars even be worth three Canadian ones by the time the season is over?

Phil welcomes us from Los Angeles, California. Again. The teams make their way to the starting line in classic cars. Again. Feh. I really wish they'd start and end the race in a different American city each season. Nothing against LA or New York, but enough already. This is a show about seeing other places. Anyhow, the teams make their way to the Los Angeles Coliseum, the only stadium on Earth to host two Olympics. As usual, each team is made up of two people with a pre-existing relationship, though it might be fun someday to see a team of complete strangers. Really to get reaquainted? I thought you might be!

Toni and Dallas are a mother and son from Northern California. Toni is a single mom, and is proud of the person Dallas has become. She ought to be proud of the way he slings cheese, because the square he throws in the next shot lands in perfect position on the bread. In a horrible development, they both seem like perfectly lovely people with a functional relationship, so there's nothing to make fun of. Darn.

Nick and Starr are a brother and sister who claim to come from New York and Texas, but were clearly bred in a sinister laboratory dedicated to spawning eerily telegenic people. They claim to go after everything they want with no holds barred, and usually get it. It's a bit tough to take seriously, as this vow is made over a shot of them doing a cheesy cheerleader dance. Beware the spirit fingers, other teams!

Ken and Tina already look fed up with each other, and they're not even to the starting line yet. Oh, and they're from Tampa, Florida. Ken used to play professional football, but the pigskins weren't the only balls in play. They're separated because Ken was unfaithful, and Tina says that by the race's end, they'll know if the marriage is worth saving. Because like countless other fighting couples that have appeared on this show, troubled relationships can always be saved by adding incalculable stress and lack of sleep.

Aja and Ty are dating long-distance, though we never hear where either of them is tele-dating from. Aja thinks the long-distance thing helps them as a couple, because neither of them takes the time they spend together for granted. Ty says that Aja is the sweetest girl in the world, and is convinced they're made for each other. Well, that's nice. I remain unconvinced that long-distance dating works, but if it'll help them out, I'm knocking on wood right now.

Marisa and Brooke are blond and wearing all pink, so you already know everything about them that you need to. This is not a criticism of blonds or pink-loving women out in the real world. On this show, however, it's a handy code that tells me they may as well be wearing T-shirts that read "Don't ask me, I'm just a girl!" on the front and "Cannon" and "Fodder" on their backs. They're weirdly referred to as "Southern Belles", as if that were a profession. What do they do all day? Sit on their verandas drinking mint juleps, holding lace parasols and complaining of the vapors?

Andrew and Dan are fraternity brothers from Phoenix, Arizona. As they ogle bikini-clad women for their intro shot, one of them voices-over that to them, six-packs refer to something in a cooler, not on their stomachs. Well, the audience isn't blind, but thanks for the tip.

Anthony and Stephanie are from Los Angeles, and have been dating for four years. She wants to get married and he doesn't, so she's using the race as an ultimatum. Or he's using it as a stalling tactic. Or they're both using it as a ridiculous test of their love. Or something. I honestly don't know what their deal is, and can't imagine caring.

Anita and Arthur are zany-ass, married beekeepers from Oregon. The shot of their bees makes shivers go down my spine. I'm petrified of bees. They claim to have the experience and strength needed to get through the race, but they look like they'd rather be knocking back on their porch with a drink.

Kelly and Christy are defined by their defunct marriages. Again, that's the show's judgement, not mine. Can you imagine a team of men whose sole characteristic is that they used to be in bad relationships? I don't know enough about these two to like or dislike them, but I do feel bad that they're not allowed to be actual people.

Terence and Sarah are newly dating, from New York City. In a blurb you'll want to remember, Sarah refers to Terence as the most "quintessential free spirit" she's ever met. She works on Wall Street, so let's hope when she goes home, there's still a job waiting for her. Terence is a running coach. There's a shot of him walking her to her office and handing over a brown sack lunch, which I'm sure really happens in their daily lives. Provided they live solely on television.

Mark and Bill are best friends from San Diego, and like Lori and Dave, seem to have their own geek music, though it's nothing so charming as the Happy Tootling Nerd Music. Mark and Bill are proud, role-playing, comic-book-reading, video-game-addicted geeks. They don't have any self-image problems because of this, which is nice. We truly are in the Age of Dorkdom.

Phil wonders who will make it through the stress of a 33,000-mile trip. I have a few guesses as to who won't. I'll hold off on predictions, though, as I can only eat so much crow per season. Phil also ponders who will have the necessary brains, brawn, and teamwork over shots of Terence/Sarah, Andrew/Dan, and Kelly/Christy, so let me just go ahead and get a Nelsonesque "Ha-Ha!" out of the way. The teams line up, and Phil gives the standard opening speech, including the fact that eight of the eleven legs are elimination points. When he gives the word, the teams may run up the stadium stairs to grab the clues atop their luggage, then take one of the cars provided. The cars are Mercedes. I doubt I'd want to entrust one of those to a reality show contestant that's in a big hurry. Kender notes that Phil seems to have lost a lot of weight, and he wasn't even heavy before. He gives the on-your-mark, and Toni gives Dallas a quick peck on the cheek. Aw. And...GO!

The teams run up the stairs, and to the surprise of viewers under three everywhere, Anita and Arthur quickly fall behind. The young bucks reach the clue first, and finally produce the wonderful sound I've been waiting for: Rrrrrrrip! The clue tells them to catch one of two flights to Salvador, Brazil. There's the early American Airlines flight, and a later United flight, so assuming that the passengers have enough cash to bribe the airline staff into letting them board, have luggage, eat anything, pee, land, and claim the luggage, American's the way to go. Nick and Starr are first out of the parking lot, followed by Terence and Sarah. After the Frats drive out, Toni and Dallas try to settle into the fact that they're actually racing. Yep. Now get your asses to Brazil. They sing us into the...

Opening credits. At the rainbow's end lies Kelly and Christy, dressed in outfits ripped directly from the scene where Romy and Michelle pretend to be high-powered businesswomen. Isn't that an underrated movie, by the way? "Is that an earthquake? No, it is Rrrrrrrrrrramon!"

What? Oh, the show. Fine, if you want, we'll focus on the tense drama of getting to the airport. Nick and Starr hop on the highway, but Terence whips out his esoteric knowledge of Los Angeles traffic: It tends to be bad. He and Sarah stick to side-streets. Also bringing the genius-material leaps of logic is Dan, who majored in tourism management (snerk), and thus worked in the airline industry. He's sure that the flight that leaves earlier, lands earlier, and has a stop-over in a city closer to Brazil is the one they should check out first. Good thing he majored in tourism management (snerk). Nobody else will be able to figure that out. Meanwhile, Tina is telling Ken not to let anybody pass him. She awkwardly segues into an interview about how she's forgiven Ken for cheating on her, but will make sure to remind him every day for the rest of his life how badly he screwed up. That's not what she says, of course, but it's the gist. We're going to need to have a talk about Tina's eyebrows at some point, but I'm sure there will be ample opportunity later. Arthur warns us and the other teams that he and Anita may look like old hippies, but they're really very competitive. I'll believe it when I see it.

Teams zoom along the highway. A disembodied voice in Terence's head questions his use of side-streets. Ken and Tina pass Toni/Dallas and Andrew/Dan. Meanwhile, Aja realizes that Aja + Ty + cameraman + sound guy = free use of the carpool lane. Smart lady. As Ken and Tina catch up to Nick and Starr, Starr interviews that she and Nick aren't as well-traveled as some of the older teams, and they hope to be "adopted" by an older team, like Ken and Tina (or "Mom and Dad"). The fact that they've glommed onto the separated couple whose relationship is marred by infidelity as their parent figures of choice is a psychotherapist's dream come true. Ken and Tina pass by, and are in first place for about three seconds before Aja and Ty's use of the carpool lane vaults them up. St. Louis is not alone in atrocious airport signage, as the park-and-ride lot the teams want is not in the same place that the giant "Departing Flights" sign directs them to. Aja/Ty and Ken/Tina catch the snap (Heh, see what I did there? With Ken...catching the snap? Oh, never mind), but Nick/Starr veer off in the wrong direction. Andrew and Dan, those masters of the travel industry, don't even attempt to find the place themselves, and just decide to follow Nick and Starr.

A bunch of teams arrive at the shuttle stop. Aja and Ty are first inside the airport, and though Aja knows to look for the red and yellow marking flag, they don't see one. Instead of looking for it, they just hop into the wrong line. Tsk. More teams run into the airport. Kelly and Christy are referred to as "Divorcees" instead of "Friends". Seriously, with the double standard. I guess it's not as ridiculous as "Southern Belles". Mark and Bill arrive and refuse to get into a line that doesn't have the marking flag. Their insistence to find the right line spreads panic to the other teams, and soon everyone's dashing around like chickens with their heads cut off. They soon find the right line, and Mark and Bill ascertain that they're the first ones there.

More teams arrive and can't find the correct line. Terence and Sarah figure it out, so they're third on the American flight, behind Ken and Tina. Ty is told he's in the wrong place, which sets off a chain reaction of teams fleeing to the correct American counter. Introductions are made. Dan tries to make himself feel better about standing around like a doofus in the wrong line by smarming that it's possible or even probable that the American flight will be delayed, which is 1) True and 2) An Obvious Case of Sour Grapes. The other teams are like "Yeah, and I guess we could also be attacked by radioactive moths. What's your point?" Dan brings up his extensive experience in the travel industry, because casual travelers are completely unfamiliar with the concept of delayed flights. Nick scores a point by muttering "He hasn't worked in customer relations" to Starr. Hehe! He and Starr are the fourth on the American flight, and Aja/Ty are fifth. Ty learns that his flight should arrive three hours ahead of the United one. Kelly and Christy make it on sixth, and though Dan takes heart in the fact that everyone seems to be getting tickets, he and Andrew are denied. Flight full! No American Airlines for you! Dan crumples in despair.

Commercials. I tend to anthropomorphize everything from my pet newt to the days of the week, but even I don't need to ascribe a personality to mucus.

The trailing teams trudge off to United. Nick and Starr bond with Ken and Tina, and the four of them agree to a loose alliance. Will they be as powerful as the Underdogs? Will they be as dull-witted? Phil catches us up on who's on the lead flight (Mark/Bill, Ken/Tina, Nick/Starr, Terence/Sarah, Aja/Ty, and Kelly/Christy) and who's on the trailing United flight (everyone else). He also says that when the teams land, they must take a taxi to O Rei Do Pernil, which is not a Latin choral mass, as you'd expect. It's a sandwich shop. The next clue will be there. The American flight does indeed get delayed in Rio de Janeiro, but not so much that their lead is completely blown. They get into Salvador about an hour and a half before the United flight, and the lead teams quickly grab taxis. Tina crabs at Ken because he's the one who's supposed to know Spanish. Well, that'll come in handy if you ever go to a Spanish-speaking country, ya twit.

Mark and Bill are first to the sandwich shop, and pick up the next clue from some very bored-looking clue wranglers. Rrrrrrrip! The clue tells them that they'll become an old-school style barista, except not at all, because baristas actually sell things. In this task, the team has to roll a cart loaded with drinks and snacks across the bumpy street to a plaza called Praca da Se. Once they deliver their carts to another clue wrangler, they'll recieve the next clue. Mark and Bill do not get off to an auspicious start, as they knock a bunch of snacks to the ground. They puzzle over their wobbly cargo for a moment before coming up with the idea to drape a jacket over the food to keep it steadier. Go geek think! They progress much more quickly after that. Kelly and Christy remind us that they've been through bad divorces, because apparently, that's all anyone can find to say about them. Consider the theme understood. Terence and Sarah start the cart task, and he immediately starts to snipe passive-aggressively at her. She overlooks his tone and tries to direct the cart.

Nick/Starr and Ken/Tina arrive together and get started. Terence whines some more. This may be the fastest I've ever gotten tired of a contestant, ever. Carts are wheeled. Snacks are spilled. It turns out that in order to reach the plaza, the carts must be loaded onto a funicular. Terence and Sarah catch up to Mark and Bill right before it leaves. After a quick pause in which Ken promises to prove on a daily basis that he's worthy of Tina's love, Aja and Ty get started on the cart task. Terence/Sarah/Mark/Bill unload, and it's a simple matter to find the clue wrangler. He checks to make sure they've got all their cargo before handing over the next clue. Rrrrrrrip! Teams must now travel by taxi to a nearby military base, where they'll spend the night. They sign in when they arrive for one of three departure times the next morning: 9 AM, 9:30 AM, and 9:45 AM. Nick and Starr hop on the funicular, but Ken and Tina spill some snacks at a most inopportune moment, and miss the car. Terence and Sarah are first to arrive at the military base, and Sarah gives the guard there a double kiss. I'm sure he doesn't get much of that on base. Well, at least not on camera.

Ken and Tina turn in their snacks. Mark and Bill hit some bad traffic, so Nick and Starr beat them to the military base. Aja and Ty turn in their snacks. Mark and Bill reach the base and score a 9 AM departure. Kelly and Christy arrive at the wrong sandwich shop. They're still divorced.

The United flight lands on time, and taxis are flagged. The trailing teams are understandably a bit frantic, and Anita gives us the titular quote. One of the Belles, who are shaping up to be IB#3 and IB#4, mutters that it's difficult to deal with an unfamiliar airport, especially in a foreign country. Good thing they're not on some sort of international race, then. Kelly and Christy finally find the right sandwich shop, followed by Andrew and Dan. Ken and Tina snag the last 9 AM departure time at the military base. Toni and Dallas hit the same mysterious traffic jam that's only affecting certain teams, so Arthur and Anita reach the sandwich shop in eighth place. Aja and Ty get to the military base, but have to settle for a 9:30 AM departure time. Kelly and Christy jump on the funicular, as Toni/Dallas, Marisa/Brooke, and Anthony/Stephanie reach the sandwich shop. Kelly/Christy get their military base clue, and Andrew/Dan get on the funicular. So everything's progressing normally. The show agrees, as there's no more footage of cart wheeling. Or cartwheeling, for that matter. Kelly/Christy and Andrew/Dan get the last 9:30 AM departure times.

Commercials. Oh, my God. Shut up, Emeril.

Evening. Starr flirts with Dallas, because he's taken his shirt off, and is hot. She says she doesn't really expect "sparks or flames", but allows for the possibility. Terence complains -- one wonders if he has any other mode -- that Sarah had the temerity to socialize with other teams instead of looking after his needs. Because he's four. If someone so obviously clingy and insecure is "the most quintessential free spirit" Sarah has ever met, she needs to get out of the house more often.

9 AM. Terence/Sarah/Nick/Starr/Mark/Bill/Ken/Tina get the next clue. Rrrrrrrip! Teams must now travel by taxi to an area known as Pelourinho, the historic center of Salvador. It's pretty in a Princess Diaries Genovia kind of way. Once there, teams must find a specific church, where the next clue awaits. Terence and Sarah run out to find a cab, and when they don't find one instantly, are soon joined by other teams, causing Sarah to complain that they "just lost all [their] lead". Um, the three second lead? Yeah, too bad about that. Nick and Starr's driver doesn't understand a word they're saying. Ken blows a flimsy whistle to try and flag a cab down. Mark and Bill convey "We're in a race" to their driver, and Nick and Starr somehow tell their driver to follow them.

Sarah, not content to let Terence (and I had to erase "Peter" to write "Terence", because the unfortunate parallels are already starting to emerge) hog all the immature whining time, complains that Nick and Starr wouldn't have a nice casual chat with her in the middle of the taxi-finding swarm. OK, you're not relaxing at the military base anymore, Sarah. Now is race time. Be good and you can have a cookie with your juice. Terence smarms that Sarah wants people to like her, but...sing it if you know it! He's not here to make friends. Well, no worries on that front, ass. The 9:30 AM chunk of teams leave the military base. Apparently, it takes fifteen minutes to find a taxi out of there, because here come the 9:45 AM teams as well.

As Terence and Sarah arrive at the church, he -- SURPRISE! -- whines that she's running too fast. No, really. The running coach complains that his office worker girlfriend is setting an unreasonable pace. Man, it's a shame he's not here to make friends, because he's shaping up to be such a gem. They run right past the cluebox, which in fairness, is sort of tucked away in a corner. This allows Mark/Bill and Nick/Starr to catch up, so all three teams reach the clue at the same time. Rrrrrrrip! Detour! Hard Way Up or Soft Way Down. Phil assumes you know that a Detour is a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons. In Hard Way Up, teams have to ascend a staircase on their hands and knees while a drumline rocks out at the top. Once they reach the top, the team will be asked a mystery question. If they answer incorrectly, they have to walk back around to the bottom of the stairs and try again. In Soft Way Down, teams make their way to an outdoor elevator, ascend, and climb down a 240-foot cargo net back to the bottom. That's it? That sounds much faster.

Terence/Sarah and Nick/Starr easily decide on Soft Way Down and take off, Sarah still bitching about how much she hates Nick and Starr for not being her BFFs while they were looking for a taxi, and did you hear that they totally passed notes to Diana Carter in sixth period about how Sarah stuffs her bra?!? OMG! Mark and Bill dither over their Detour choice, which allows Ken and Tina to catch up. Everyone picks Soft Way Down. Terence/Sarah/Nick/Starr reach the elevator, but Nick slows down to read the clue, which tells them to enter via the marked entrance. The marking flag is just as much a problem now as it was at the Los Angeles airport, as Terence and Sarah hop on the wrong elevator. Nick and Starr hunt down the correct one, and reach the cargo net in first place. Terence and Sarah wander around, so Ken and Tina are next to the net. Mark and Bill arrive. Nick and Starr climb. Ken and Tina get strapped into their safety gear. Mark and Bill begin their climb. Terence and Sarah figure out where to go. Darn. It would have been fun to watch them walk in circles for the rest of the hour.

Nick and Starr reach the bottom, and get the final clue. Rrrrrrrip! It tells them to make their way to the pitstop, the Forte Sao Marcelo, which is out in the water, and once protected the city from pirates. Last team here gets no booty. Not the treasure kind, anyway. Terence and Sarah begin their climb. Starr wants to look for a taxi, but Nick says they may not even need one. He's a lot smarter than I gave him credit for. Ken and Tina finish the climb and get a taxi, while Nick and Starr learn that indeed, the fort is right there in front of them. Ken and Tina's driver tells them the same thing, but that momentary pause gives Nick and Starr the edge they need to grab the first boat over. Terence and Sarah pass Mark and Bill on the net. Terence makes sure to wedge in some more whining about how she shouldn't talk and climb at the same time. He's allowed to, of course, but not her. Does he have an off switch, by chance?

Nick and Starr disembark, and run up to the mat. The greeter is a little kid that juggles. Hmm. I fail to see the connection to the leg, but okay. Phil tells them that they're team number one, and they celebrate. They win a trip to Belize, which sounds awesome. Phil asks what makes them such a strong team, and Nick answers that it's the push-and-pull of their relationship. Being young and in shape probably doesn't hurt, either. Terence and Sarah finish their climb and manage to read the next clue without whining about anything. Mark and Bill finish soon after. Ken and Tina check in as team number two. They did their fair share of carping (well, Tina did) tonight, but they're nowhere near as obnoxious as the Bickersons, or even Lake and Michelle for that matter. I'm not founding their fan club just yet, but there's a glimmer of hope.

Andrew and Dan get caught in a traffic spiral, and Toni/Dallas, Marisa/Brooke, and Aja/Ty all reach the Detour clue at the same time. Soft Way Down is popular with this crowd, too. As they run out, Andrew and Dan run in. Dan reads that only three teams may be on the cargo net at a time, and suggests hedging their bets by going for Hard Way Up. Kelly and Christy begin their climb down the net. Terence and Sarah check in as team number three. They are blessedly silent. Anthony/Stephanie and Arthur/Anita are last to the Detour clue, and make it nearly unanimous by choosing Soft Way Down. Toni and Dallas begin to catch up to Kelly and Christy on the net. As Andrew and Dan begin their crawl up the stairs, Mark and Bill check in as team four. People climb up. People climb down. When Andrew and Dan reach the top of the stairs, they get their mystery question: "How many steps have you climbed?" Wah wah wah waaaaah. They hazard a guess of forty, and are incorrect. The trailing teams reach Soft Way Down. Andrew and Dan circle back around to the bottom of the staircase.

Commercials. You know how there are random people who show up in, like, five commercials simultaneously? I'm trying to figure out what was so appealing about this big, weird-looking guy during the audition process. He's everywhere!

Andrew and Dan begin their climb again, making sure to count the steps this time. Kelly and Christy check in as team number five. Have you heard they're divorced? People climb. Toni and Dallas check in as team number six. Climb, climb, climb. Andrew and Dan reach the top again, and give an answer of fifty-three steps. Heh. It'd be funny if the guy was all "No, it's NOW been a hundred and six," but he cuts them a break. They're free to go to the pitstop. Arthur and Anita reach the bottom of the cargo net, and get a smattering of applause from the watching locals. Everyone's done with the Detour, so now it's just a race to the mat. Teams that have been done with the net for forever wander around aimlessly, so Andrew and Dan manage to slip in as team number seven. Aja and Ty are right behind them as team eight. Anthony and Stephanie jog up as team nine, with Marisa and Brooke casually walking behind them as team ten.

You know what that means. Yep, here come poor old Arthur and Anita, last to the mat. Phil eliminates them, and Anita interviews that it was a great experience for them. Arthur says that running alongside Anita and ten wonderful couples has been a privilege. They share a smooch. Aw. There are tons of awesome people in the world that are just ill-suited for a competition of this kind, and these two are a prime example.

Next week on The Amazing Race: Mark and Bill feel the alpha male pinch from Ken. Terence and Sarah continue their quest to act like petulant toddlers.

Overall Grade: B