The Amazing Race - Season 13, Episode 1
Previously on The Amazing Race: An amazing race! An unprecedented all-likable final three led to even more good news, as winners TK and Rachel put the final nail in the I-act-like-an-asshole-because-I'm-competitive-and-need-to-be-like-this-to-win coffin by failing to lose their tempers a single time. Now, eleven fresh teams are set to dash for another million dollars. Who will win the day? Will a million dollars even be worth three Canadian ones by the time the season is over?
Phil welcomes us from Los Angeles, California. Again. The teams make their way to the starting line in classic cars. Again. Feh. I really wish they'd start and end the race in a different American city each season. Nothing against LA or New York, but enough already. This is a show about seeing other places. Anyhow, the teams make their way to the Los Angeles Coliseum, the only stadium on Earth to host two Olympics. As usual, each team is made up of two people with a pre-existing relationship, though it might be fun someday to see a team of complete strangers. Really to get reaquainted? I thought you might be!
Toni and Dallas are a mother and son from Northern California. Toni is a single mom, and is proud of the person Dallas has become. She ought to be proud of the way he slings cheese, because the square he throws in the next shot lands in perfect position on the bread. In a horrible development, they both seem like perfectly lovely people with a functional relationship, so there's nothing to make fun of. Darn.
Nick and Starr are a brother and sister who claim to come from New York and Texas, but were clearly bred in a sinister laboratory dedicated to spawning eerily telegenic people. They claim to go after everything they want with no holds barred, and usually get it. It's a bit tough to take seriously, as this vow is made over a shot of them doing a cheesy cheerleader dance. Beware the spirit fingers, other teams!
Ken and Tina already look fed up with each other, and they're not even to the starting line yet. Oh, and they're from Tampa, Florida. Ken used to play professional football, but the pigskins weren't the only balls in play. They're separated because Ken was unfaithful, and Tina says that by the race's end, they'll know if the marriage is worth saving. Because like countless other fighting couples that have appeared on this show, troubled relationships can always be saved by adding incalculable stress and lack of sleep.
Aja and Ty are dating long-distance, though we never hear where either of them is tele-dating from. Aja thinks the long-distance thing helps them as a couple, because neither of them takes the time they spend together for granted. Ty says that Aja is the sweetest girl in the world, and is convinced they're made for each other. Well, that's nice. I remain unconvinced that long-distance dating works, but if it'll help them out, I'm knocking on wood right now.
Marisa and Brooke are blond and wearing all pink, so you already know everything about them that you need to. This is not a criticism of blonds or pink-loving women out in the real world. On this show, however, it's a handy code that tells me they may as well be wearing T-shirts that read "Don't ask me, I'm just a girl!" on the front and "Cannon" and "Fodder" on their backs. They're weirdly referred to as "Southern Belles", as if that were a profession. What do they do all day? Sit on their verandas drinking mint juleps, holding lace parasols and complaining of the vapors?
Andrew and Dan are fraternity brothers from Phoenix, Arizona. As they ogle bikini-clad women for their intro shot, one of them voices-over that to them, six-packs refer to something in a cooler, not on their stomachs. Well, the audience isn't blind, but thanks for the tip.
Anthony and Stephanie are from Los Angeles, and have been dating for four years. She wants to get married and he doesn't, so she's using the race as an ultimatum. Or he's using it as a stalling tactic. Or they're both using it as a ridiculous test of their love. Or something. I honestly don't know what their deal is, and can't imagine caring.
Anita and Arthur are zany-ass, married beekeepers from Oregon. The shot of their bees makes shivers go down my spine. I'm petrified of bees. They claim to have the experience and strength needed to get through the race, but they look like they'd rather be knocking back on their porch with a drink.
Kelly and Christy are defined by their defunct marriages. Again, that's the show's judgement, not mine. Can you imagine a team of men whose sole characteristic is that they used to be in bad relationships? I don't know enough about these two to like or dislike them, but I do feel bad that they're not allowed to be actual people.
Terence and Sarah are newly dating, from New York City. In a blurb you'll want to remember, Sarah refers to Terence as the most "quintessential free spirit" she's ever met. She works on Wall Street, so let's hope when she goes home, there's still a job waiting for her. Terence is a running coach. There's a shot of him walking her to her office and handing over a brown sack lunch, which I'm sure really happens in their daily lives. Provided they live solely on television.
Mark and Bill are best friends from San Diego, and like Lori and Dave, seem to have their own geek music, though it's nothing so charming as the Happy Tootling Nerd Music. Mark and Bill are proud, role-playing, comic-book-reading, video-game-addicted geeks. They don't have any self-image problems because of this, which is nice. We truly are in the Age of Dorkdom.
Phil wonders who will make it through the stress of a 33,000-mile trip. I have a few guesses as to who won't. I'll hold off on predictions, though, as I can only eat so much crow per season. Phil also ponders who will have the necessary brains, brawn, and teamwork over shots of Terence/Sarah, Andrew/Dan, and Kelly/Christy, so let me just go ahead and get a Nelsonesque "Ha-Ha!" out of the way. The teams line up, and Phil gives the standard opening speech, including the fact that eight of the eleven legs are elimination points. When he gives the word, the teams may run up the stadium stairs to grab the clues atop their luggage, then take one of the cars provided. The cars are Mercedes. I doubt I'd want to entrust one of those to a reality show contestant that's in a big hurry. Kender notes that Phil seems to have lost a lot of weight, and he wasn't even heavy before. He gives the on-your-mark, and Toni gives Dallas a quick peck on the cheek. Aw. And...GO!
The teams run up the stairs, and to the surprise of viewers under three everywhere, Anita and Arthur quickly fall behind. The young bucks reach the clue first, and finally produce the wonderful sound I've been waiting for: Rrrrrrrip! The clue tells them to catch one of two flights to Salvador, Brazil. There's the early American Airlines flight, and a later United flight, so assuming that the passengers have enough cash to bribe the airline staff into letting them board, have luggage, eat anything, pee, land, and claim the luggage, American's the way to go. Nick and Starr are first out of the parking lot, followed by Terence and Sarah. After the Frats drive out, Toni and Dallas try to settle into the fact that they're actually racing. Yep. Now get your asses to Brazil. They sing us into the...
Opening credits. At the rainbow's end lies Kelly and Christy, dressed in outfits ripped directly from the scene where Romy and Michelle pretend to be high-powered businesswomen. Isn't that an underrated movie, by the way? "Is that an earthquake? No, it is Rrrrrrrrrrramon!"
What? Oh, the show. Fine, if you want, we'll focus on the tense drama of getting to the airport. Nick and Starr hop on the highway, but Terence whips out his esoteric knowledge of Los Angeles traffic: It tends to be bad. He and Sarah stick to side-streets. Also bringing the genius-material leaps of logic is Dan, who majored in tourism management (snerk), and thus worked in the airline industry. He's sure that the flight that leaves earlier, lands earlier, and has a stop-over in a city closer to Brazil is the one they should check out first. Good thing he majored in tourism management (snerk). Nobody else will be able to figure that out. Meanwhile, Tina is telling Ken not to let anybody pass him. She awkwardly segues into an interview about how she's forgiven Ken for cheating on her, but will make sure to remind him every day for the rest of his life how badly he screwed up. That's not what she says, of course, but it's the gist. We're going to need to have a talk about Tina's eyebrows at some point, but I'm sure there will be ample opportunity later. Arthur warns us and the other teams that he and Anita may look like old hippies, but they're really very competitive. I'll believe it when I see it.
Teams zoom along the highway. A disembodied voice in Terence's head questions his use of side-streets. Ken and Tina pass Toni/Dallas and Andrew/Dan. Meanwhile, Aja realizes that Aja + Ty + cameraman + sound guy = free use of the carpool lane. Smart lady. As Ken and Tina catch up to Nick and Starr, Starr interviews that she and Nick aren't as well-traveled as some of the older teams, and they hope to be "adopted" by an older team, like Ken and Tina (or "Mom and Dad"). The fact that they've glommed onto the separated couple whose relationship is marred by infidelity as their parent figures of choice is a psychotherapist's dream come true. Ken and Tina pass by, and are in first place for about three seconds before Aja and Ty's use of the carpool lane vaults them up. St. Louis is not alone in atrocious airport signage, as the park-and-ride lot the teams want is not in the same place that the giant "Departing Flights" sign directs them to. Aja/Ty and Ken/Tina catch the snap (Heh, see what I did there? With Ken...catching the snap? Oh, never mind), but Nick/Starr veer off in the wrong direction. Andrew and Dan, those masters of the travel industry, don't even attempt to find the place themselves, and just decide to follow Nick and Starr.
A bunch of teams arrive at the shuttle stop. Aja and Ty are first inside the airport, and though Aja knows to look for the red and yellow marking flag, they don't see one. Instead of looking for it, they just hop into the wrong line. Tsk. More teams run into the airport. Kelly and Christy are referred to as "Divorcees" instead of "Friends". Seriously, with the double standard. I guess it's not as ridiculous as "Southern Belles". Mark and Bill arrive and refuse to get into a line that doesn't have the marking flag. Their insistence to find the right line spreads panic to the other teams, and soon everyone's dashing around like chickens with their heads cut off. They soon find the right line, and Mark and Bill ascertain that they're the first ones there.
More teams arrive and can't find the correct line. Terence and Sarah figure it out, so they're third on the American flight, behind Ken and Tina. Ty is told he's in the wrong place, which sets off a chain reaction of teams fleeing to the correct American counter. Introductions are made. Dan tries to make himself feel better about standing around like a doofus in the wrong line by smarming that it's possible or even probable that the American flight will be delayed, which is 1) True and 2) An Obvious Case of Sour Grapes. The other teams are like "Yeah, and I guess we could also be attacked by radioactive moths. What's your point?" Dan brings up his extensive experience in the travel industry, because casual travelers are completely unfamiliar with the concept of delayed flights. Nick scores a point by muttering "He hasn't worked in customer relations" to Starr. Hehe! He and Starr are the fourth on the American flight, and Aja/Ty are fifth. Ty learns that his flight should arrive three hours ahead of the United one. Kelly and Christy make it on sixth, and though Dan takes heart in the fact that everyone seems to be getting tickets, he and Andrew are denied. Flight full! No American Airlines for you! Dan crumples in despair.
Commercials. I tend to anthropomorphize everything from my pet newt to the days of the week, but even I don't need to ascribe a personality to mucus.
The trailing teams trudge off to United. Nick and Starr bond with Ken and Tina, and the four of them agree to a loose alliance. Will they be as powerful as the Underdogs? Will they be as dull-witted? Phil catches us up on who's on the lead flight (Mark/Bill, Ken/Tina, Nick/Starr, Terence/Sarah, Aja/Ty, and Kelly/Christy) and who's on the trailing United flight (everyone else). He also says that when the teams land, they must take a taxi to O Rei Do Pernil, which is not a Latin choral mass, as you'd expect. It's a sandwich shop. The next clue will be there. The American flight does indeed get delayed in Rio de Janeiro, but not so much that their lead is completely blown. They get into Salvador about an hour and a half before the United flight, and the lead teams quickly grab taxis. Tina crabs at Ken because he's the one who's supposed to know Spanish. Well, that'll come in handy if you ever go to a Spanish-speaking country, ya twit.
Mark and Bill are first to the sandwich shop, and pick up the next clue from some very bored-looking clue wranglers. Rrrrrrrip! The clue tells them that they'll become an old-school style barista, except not at all, because baristas actually sell things. In this task, the team has to roll a cart loaded with drinks and snacks across the bumpy street to a plaza called Praca da Se. Once they deliver their carts to another clue wrangler, they'll recieve the next clue. Mark and Bill do not get off to an auspicious start, as they knock a bunch of snacks to the ground. They puzzle over their wobbly cargo for a moment before coming up with the idea to drape a jacket over the food to keep it steadier. Go geek think! They progress much more quickly after that. Kelly and Christy remind us that they've been through bad divorces, because apparently, that's all anyone can find to say about them. Consider the theme understood. Terence and Sarah start the cart task, and he immediately starts to snipe passive-aggressively at her. She overlooks his tone and tries to direct the cart.
Nick/Starr and Ken/Tina arrive together and get started. Terence whines some more. This may be the fastest I've ever gotten tired of a contestant, ever. Carts are wheeled. Snacks are spilled. It turns out that in order to reach the plaza, the carts must be loaded onto a funicular. Terence and Sarah catch up to Mark and Bill right before it leaves. After a quick pause in which Ken promises to prove on a daily basis that he's worthy of Tina's love, Aja and Ty get started on the cart task. Terence/Sarah/Mark/Bill unload, and it's a simple matter to find the clue wrangler. He checks to make sure they've got all their cargo before handing over the next clue. Rrrrrrrip! Teams must now travel by taxi to a nearby military base, where they'll spend the night. They sign in when they arrive for one of three departure times the next morning: 9 AM, 9:30 AM, and 9:45 AM. Nick and Starr hop on the funicular, but Ken and Tina spill some snacks at a most inopportune moment, and miss the car. Terence and Sarah are first to arrive at the military base, and Sarah gives the guard there a double kiss. I'm sure he doesn't get much of that on base. Well, at least not on camera.
Ken and Tina turn in their snacks. Mark and Bill hit some bad traffic, so Nick and Starr beat them to the military base. Aja and Ty turn in their snacks. Mark and Bill reach the base and score a 9 AM departure. Kelly and Christy arrive at the wrong sandwich shop. They're still divorced.
The United flight lands on time, and taxis are flagged. The trailing teams are understandably a bit frantic, and Anita gives us the titular quote. One of the Belles, who are shaping up to be IB#3 and IB#4, mutters that it's difficult to deal with an unfamiliar airport, especially in a foreign country. Good thing they're not on some sort of international race, then. Kelly and Christy finally find the right sandwich shop, followed by Andrew and Dan. Ken and Tina snag the last 9 AM departure time at the military base. Toni and Dallas hit the same mysterious traffic jam that's only affecting certain teams, so Arthur and Anita reach the sandwich shop in eighth place. Aja and Ty get to the military base, but have to settle for a 9:30 AM departure time. Kelly and Christy jump on the funicular, as Toni/Dallas, Marisa/Brooke, and Anthony/Stephanie reach the sandwich shop. Kelly/Christy get their military base clue, and Andrew/Dan get on the funicular. So everything's progressing normally. The show agrees, as there's no more footage of cart wheeling. Or cartwheeling, for that matter. Kelly/Christy and Andrew/Dan get the last 9:30 AM departure times.
Commercials. Oh, my God. Shut up, Emeril.
Evening. Starr flirts with Dallas, because he's taken his shirt off, and is hot. She says she doesn't really expect "sparks or flames", but allows for the possibility. Terence complains -- one wonders if he has any other mode -- that Sarah had the temerity to socialize with other teams instead of looking after his needs. Because he's four. If someone so obviously clingy and insecure is "the most quintessential free spirit" Sarah has ever met, she needs to get out of the house more often.
9 AM. Terence/Sarah/Nick/Starr/Mark/Bill/Ken/Tina get the next clue. Rrrrrrrip! Teams must now travel by taxi to an area known as Pelourinho, the historic center of Salvador. It's pretty in a Princess Diaries Genovia kind of way. Once there, teams must find a specific church, where the next clue awaits. Terence and Sarah run out to find a cab, and when they don't find one instantly, are soon joined by other teams, causing Sarah to complain that they "just lost all [their] lead". Um, the three second lead? Yeah, too bad about that. Nick and Starr's driver doesn't understand a word they're saying. Ken blows a flimsy whistle to try and flag a cab down. Mark and Bill convey "We're in a race" to their driver, and Nick and Starr somehow tell their driver to follow them.
Sarah, not content to let Terence (and I had to erase "Peter" to write "Terence", because the unfortunate parallels are already starting to emerge) hog all the immature whining time, complains that Nick and Starr wouldn't have a nice casual chat with her in the middle of the taxi-finding swarm. OK, you're not relaxing at the military base anymore, Sarah. Now is race time. Be good and you can have a cookie with your juice. Terence smarms that Sarah wants people to like her, but...sing it if you know it! He's not here to make friends. Well, no worries on that front, ass. The 9:30 AM chunk of teams leave the military base. Apparently, it takes fifteen minutes to find a taxi out of there, because here come the 9:45 AM teams as well.
As Terence and Sarah arrive at the church, he -- SURPRISE! -- whines that she's running too fast. No, really. The running coach complains that his office worker girlfriend is setting an unreasonable pace. Man, it's a shame he's not here to make friends, because he's shaping up to be such a gem. They run right past the cluebox, which in fairness, is sort of tucked away in a corner. This allows Mark/Bill and Nick/Starr to catch up, so all three teams reach the clue at the same time. Rrrrrrrip! Detour! Hard Way Up or Soft Way Down. Phil assumes you know that a Detour is a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons. In Hard Way Up, teams have to ascend a staircase on their hands and knees while a drumline rocks out at the top. Once they reach the top, the team will be asked a mystery question. If they answer incorrectly, they have to walk back around to the bottom of the stairs and try again. In Soft Way Down, teams make their way to an outdoor elevator, ascend, and climb down a 240-foot cargo net back to the bottom. That's it? That sounds much faster.
Terence/Sarah and Nick/Starr easily decide on Soft Way Down and take off, Sarah still bitching about how much she hates Nick and Starr for not being her BFFs while they were looking for a taxi, and did you hear that they totally passed notes to Diana Carter in sixth period about how Sarah stuffs her bra?!? OMG! Mark and Bill dither over their Detour choice, which allows Ken and Tina to catch up. Everyone picks Soft Way Down. Terence/Sarah/Nick/Starr reach the elevator, but Nick slows down to read the clue, which tells them to enter via the marked entrance. The marking flag is just as much a problem now as it was at the Los Angeles airport, as Terence and Sarah hop on the wrong elevator. Nick and Starr hunt down the correct one, and reach the cargo net in first place. Terence and Sarah wander around, so Ken and Tina are next to the net. Mark and Bill arrive. Nick and Starr climb. Ken and Tina get strapped into their safety gear. Mark and Bill begin their climb. Terence and Sarah figure out where to go. Darn. It would have been fun to watch them walk in circles for the rest of the hour.
Nick and Starr reach the bottom, and get the final clue. Rrrrrrrip! It tells them to make their way to the pitstop, the Forte Sao Marcelo, which is out in the water, and once protected the city from pirates. Last team here gets no booty. Not the treasure kind, anyway. Terence and Sarah begin their climb. Starr wants to look for a taxi, but Nick says they may not even need one. He's a lot smarter than I gave him credit for. Ken and Tina finish the climb and get a taxi, while Nick and Starr learn that indeed, the fort is right there in front of them. Ken and Tina's driver tells them the same thing, but that momentary pause gives Nick and Starr the edge they need to grab the first boat over. Terence and Sarah pass Mark and Bill on the net. Terence makes sure to wedge in some more whining about how she shouldn't talk and climb at the same time. He's allowed to, of course, but not her. Does he have an off switch, by chance?
Nick and Starr disembark, and run up to the mat. The greeter is a little kid that juggles. Hmm. I fail to see the connection to the leg, but okay. Phil tells them that they're team number one, and they celebrate. They win a trip to Belize, which sounds awesome. Phil asks what makes them such a strong team, and Nick answers that it's the push-and-pull of their relationship. Being young and in shape probably doesn't hurt, either. Terence and Sarah finish their climb and manage to read the next clue without whining about anything. Mark and Bill finish soon after. Ken and Tina check in as team number two. They did their fair share of carping (well, Tina did) tonight, but they're nowhere near as obnoxious as the Bickersons, or even Lake and Michelle for that matter. I'm not founding their fan club just yet, but there's a glimmer of hope.
Andrew and Dan get caught in a traffic spiral, and Toni/Dallas, Marisa/Brooke, and Aja/Ty all reach the Detour clue at the same time. Soft Way Down is popular with this crowd, too. As they run out, Andrew and Dan run in. Dan reads that only three teams may be on the cargo net at a time, and suggests hedging their bets by going for Hard Way Up. Kelly and Christy begin their climb down the net. Terence and Sarah check in as team number three. They are blessedly silent. Anthony/Stephanie and Arthur/Anita are last to the Detour clue, and make it nearly unanimous by choosing Soft Way Down. Toni and Dallas begin to catch up to Kelly and Christy on the net. As Andrew and Dan begin their crawl up the stairs, Mark and Bill check in as team four. People climb up. People climb down. When Andrew and Dan reach the top of the stairs, they get their mystery question: "How many steps have you climbed?" Wah wah wah waaaaah. They hazard a guess of forty, and are incorrect. The trailing teams reach Soft Way Down. Andrew and Dan circle back around to the bottom of the staircase.
Commercials. You know how there are random people who show up in, like, five commercials simultaneously? I'm trying to figure out what was so appealing about this big, weird-looking guy during the audition process. He's everywhere!
Andrew and Dan begin their climb again, making sure to count the steps this time. Kelly and Christy check in as team number five. Have you heard they're divorced? People climb. Toni and Dallas check in as team number six. Climb, climb, climb. Andrew and Dan reach the top again, and give an answer of fifty-three steps. Heh. It'd be funny if the guy was all "No, it's NOW been a hundred and six," but he cuts them a break. They're free to go to the pitstop. Arthur and Anita reach the bottom of the cargo net, and get a smattering of applause from the watching locals. Everyone's done with the Detour, so now it's just a race to the mat. Teams that have been done with the net for forever wander around aimlessly, so Andrew and Dan manage to slip in as team number seven. Aja and Ty are right behind them as team eight. Anthony and Stephanie jog up as team nine, with Marisa and Brooke casually walking behind them as team ten.
You know what that means. Yep, here come poor old Arthur and Anita, last to the mat. Phil eliminates them, and Anita interviews that it was a great experience for them. Arthur says that running alongside Anita and ten wonderful couples has been a privilege. They share a smooch. Aw. There are tons of awesome people in the world that are just ill-suited for a competition of this kind, and these two are a prime example.
Next week on The Amazing Race: Mark and Bill feel the alpha male pinch from Ken. Terence and Sarah continue their quest to act like petulant toddlers.
Overall Grade: B
Thursday, October 02, 2008
Beautiful Disaster
America's Next Top Model - Season 11, Episode 5
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Samantha insulted the designer of the runway show with her crotch-grabbing moves, but didn't suck enough to save Hannah and her moose walk. Joining her in elimination was Isis, who may be able to rock a hormone shot, but not a camera. Nine girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
As predicted, Clark is entirely too self-satisfied with herself from last week, while Samantha panics about being in the bottom two. Tonight's theme is Marjorie's pessimism. Settle in, you'll be hearing a lot about it.
For the general challenge, Paulina has the girls dress in ill-fitting clothes and tells them to make the outfit appear more form-fitting through the use of clips, tape, and the ancient art of sticking soda cans down your pants. Samantha alters her outfit too much, and gets chewed out, while Marjorie almost breaks down into tears because she wasn't top-notch. Paulina is surprisingly understanding, explaining that looking for the negative in everything is a very European attitude that she and Marjorie have in common. Samantha isn't buying, saying in interview that now that Marjorie is in America, she'd better get a bunch of inflated self-esteem like the rest of us. McKey wins the challenge, scoring fifty extra frames for the photo shoot. Back at the pad, Samantha tells Marjorie she needs to get the hell over her insecurity already, which was equal parts bitchy and true.
At the photo shoot, OJ pops out in swamp monster gear for no conceivable reason, but every minute he doesn't appear as himself is a good one. The girls will be shot as giantesses causing natural disasters around a tiny set of LA. It sounds stupid, and kind of is, but the mod, Cate Archer hair and outfits really suit a lot of the girls. Elina gives a good angry face as an earthquake, Marjorie is angular as she causes a traffic jam (I guess they ran out of inspiration midway through the brainstorming session), and Samantha makes a very pretty, pouty tidal wave. Sheena the sandstorm, Lauren Brie the snowstorm, and McKey the heatwave are all fine, and Analeigh continues to be a colossal bore. Clark is over-confident, and her blackout shot sucks. Unfortunately, so does Joslyn the rockslide. Samantha is called first, and is happy to have climbed the ranks. Joslyn and Clark fall to the final two, and in a stunning move, Joslyn's more palatable personality saves her, so the mere fact that Clark is a tedious chore of a girl gets her axed. Awesome. I wonder what will happen to a season with no outstanding candidate for Bitch. Maybe one of the other girls will morph into the role. Back to the Future fadeout.
Overall Grade: B+
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Samantha insulted the designer of the runway show with her crotch-grabbing moves, but didn't suck enough to save Hannah and her moose walk. Joining her in elimination was Isis, who may be able to rock a hormone shot, but not a camera. Nine girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
As predicted, Clark is entirely too self-satisfied with herself from last week, while Samantha panics about being in the bottom two. Tonight's theme is Marjorie's pessimism. Settle in, you'll be hearing a lot about it.
For the general challenge, Paulina has the girls dress in ill-fitting clothes and tells them to make the outfit appear more form-fitting through the use of clips, tape, and the ancient art of sticking soda cans down your pants. Samantha alters her outfit too much, and gets chewed out, while Marjorie almost breaks down into tears because she wasn't top-notch. Paulina is surprisingly understanding, explaining that looking for the negative in everything is a very European attitude that she and Marjorie have in common. Samantha isn't buying, saying in interview that now that Marjorie is in America, she'd better get a bunch of inflated self-esteem like the rest of us. McKey wins the challenge, scoring fifty extra frames for the photo shoot. Back at the pad, Samantha tells Marjorie she needs to get the hell over her insecurity already, which was equal parts bitchy and true.
At the photo shoot, OJ pops out in swamp monster gear for no conceivable reason, but every minute he doesn't appear as himself is a good one. The girls will be shot as giantesses causing natural disasters around a tiny set of LA. It sounds stupid, and kind of is, but the mod, Cate Archer hair and outfits really suit a lot of the girls. Elina gives a good angry face as an earthquake, Marjorie is angular as she causes a traffic jam (I guess they ran out of inspiration midway through the brainstorming session), and Samantha makes a very pretty, pouty tidal wave. Sheena the sandstorm, Lauren Brie the snowstorm, and McKey the heatwave are all fine, and Analeigh continues to be a colossal bore. Clark is over-confident, and her blackout shot sucks. Unfortunately, so does Joslyn the rockslide. Samantha is called first, and is happy to have climbed the ranks. Joslyn and Clark fall to the final two, and in a stunning move, Joslyn's more palatable personality saves her, so the mere fact that Clark is a tedious chore of a girl gets her axed. Awesome. I wonder what will happen to a season with no outstanding candidate for Bitch. Maybe one of the other girls will morph into the role. Back to the Future fadeout.
Overall Grade: B+
You Make Me Feel Like A Natural Woman
Project Runway - Season 5, Episode 12
In tonight's episode, we get the traditional simple challenge. No gimmicks. No tricks. Just take an inspiration from nature and make an evening gown. The designers are taken to the botanical garden to snap pictures, and they each choose vibrantly-colored flowers or leaves to serve as inspiration. Kenley leaves a bag of tulle at the fabric store, and since she's been working overtime to be intolerable towards the other designers, Tim, and the judges, nobody else is willing to hand over any of theirs. Since she did pay for it, Tim allows her to walk back to the store to pick it up, so she scoots over, grabs the bag, and scoots out.
Kender: "Yeah, don't check the bag or anything."
A case of nerves strikes the workroom, and nobody is as on their game as they usually are. On the runway, Leanne and Jerell's garments are praised more than they should be, while Korto and Kenley's are criticized more than they should be. Kenley snaps at the judges some more, countering their claim that her garment is inelegant by whining that she "wasn't going for elegance". Because it's not like she was supposed to design an evening gown or anything. Heidi nails the designers with a Tyra Question: "Why do you deserve to go to Fashion Week, and which two other designers would you want to go with you?" Jerell, Leanne, and Korto predictably gang up on Kenley, and I'd feel bad for anyone else, but she pretty much had that coming. Kenley herself chooses Leanne and Jerell, so Korto yells at her once they're backstage. I love Korto's work, and Kenley is truly annoying, but you don't get to attack someone else, then complain that they turned around and attacked you.
Anyhoo, Jerell undeservedly wins another challenge, and in an unsurprising move, nobody is eliminated. Everyone will go home to create a full line, but one of them will be chopped right before the big show. Get sewing, scrubs.
Overall Grade: C
In tonight's episode, we get the traditional simple challenge. No gimmicks. No tricks. Just take an inspiration from nature and make an evening gown. The designers are taken to the botanical garden to snap pictures, and they each choose vibrantly-colored flowers or leaves to serve as inspiration. Kenley leaves a bag of tulle at the fabric store, and since she's been working overtime to be intolerable towards the other designers, Tim, and the judges, nobody else is willing to hand over any of theirs. Since she did pay for it, Tim allows her to walk back to the store to pick it up, so she scoots over, grabs the bag, and scoots out.
Kender: "Yeah, don't check the bag or anything."
A case of nerves strikes the workroom, and nobody is as on their game as they usually are. On the runway, Leanne and Jerell's garments are praised more than they should be, while Korto and Kenley's are criticized more than they should be. Kenley snaps at the judges some more, countering their claim that her garment is inelegant by whining that she "wasn't going for elegance". Because it's not like she was supposed to design an evening gown or anything. Heidi nails the designers with a Tyra Question: "Why do you deserve to go to Fashion Week, and which two other designers would you want to go with you?" Jerell, Leanne, and Korto predictably gang up on Kenley, and I'd feel bad for anyone else, but she pretty much had that coming. Kenley herself chooses Leanne and Jerell, so Korto yells at her once they're backstage. I love Korto's work, and Kenley is truly annoying, but you don't get to attack someone else, then complain that they turned around and attacked you.
Anyhoo, Jerell undeservedly wins another challenge, and in an unsurprising move, nobody is eliminated. Everyone will go home to create a full line, but one of them will be chopped right before the big show. Get sewing, scrubs.
Overall Grade: C
Thursday, September 25, 2008
The Crying Game
America's Next Top Model - Season 11, Episode 4
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Makeovers! Brittany looked exactly the same, acted exactly the same, and got eliminated just the same. Eleven girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
We begin the evening with Analeigh down on herself for being in the bottom two with Brittany. If she moped about it for a week, it'd be annoying, but panel seems to have happened recently, so it's understandable. Well, not to Hannah. Hannah complains that Analeigh needs to "pick up [her] beans" and get over it. Yeah, Analeigh. What's with your inability to pick up beans?
The girls are taken to a bowling alley, but it's not for fun and games. They're instructed to do a runway walk down the alley, and we all know how slick those things are. Isis stumbles a bit, and Marjorie and Hannah are terrible. Back at the pad, Hannah heads straight to the runway for some practice. The other girls try to advise her, which is sweet, but a bit too little, too late. After Clark and Lauren Brie indulge in some nasty gossip about how Isis doesn't belong in the competition, the girls are taken to a runway challenge at a vintage bank. Give it a couple weeks, and all banks will be vintage. OJ tells the girls that one of them is getting eliminated directly after the challenge, which riddles them with anxiety.
Though the girls are told they'll be dressed as cat burglars for the runway show, nothing of the kind happens. They wear long dresses, which I think would be an active detriment to sneaking past a security system. An added twist is that they'll be wearing blindfolds, which are more obscurefolds, but still. Hannah forgets everything she learned, and her walk sucks noodles, as does Marjorie's. Added to the mix is Samantha, who walks so terribly that she deeply offends the designer. Joslyn wins the challenge, and takes Sheena and Isis along to her reward photo shoot. Hannah's bad walk dooms her, and she's eliminated on the spot.
The next morning, OJ breaks in and wakes up the girls while wearing tight clothes. I'd throw myself out the window. It turns out that it's time for the photo shoot, which will take place right there at the model pad. The girls will get into the pool, and partially submerge themselves, so that they'll just be shot (by Nigel) from the top of the nose up. Several girls excel, if not in their facial expression, then by their various bodily contortions.
At panel, Clark is called first, which is not good news. Giving validation to assholes generally leads to tiresome situations. She's followed by Analeigh, who no doubt feels redeemed, but is still boring as hell. Though Joslyn's swimming difficulties and Elina's inability to come up with more than one pose irritate the judges, they pull through. The final two come down to Isis, whose pictures are getting worse, and Samantha, because the guest judge designer still hates her guts from the runway challenge. Isis gets the axe, and I'm heartened to see that it was because of legitimately bad pictures, and not for any bullshit reason even tangentially related to her being transgender. She's tearful as she leaves, but is proud of what she's accomplished and grateful for the opportunity. Good on her. The Back to the Future fadeout gets an extra workout as Isis and Hannah disappear together.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Marjorie gets on everyone's nerves. A hideous swamp monster eats all the girls. Guess it'll be a short season.
Overall Grade: B
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Makeovers! Brittany looked exactly the same, acted exactly the same, and got eliminated just the same. Eleven girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
We begin the evening with Analeigh down on herself for being in the bottom two with Brittany. If she moped about it for a week, it'd be annoying, but panel seems to have happened recently, so it's understandable. Well, not to Hannah. Hannah complains that Analeigh needs to "pick up [her] beans" and get over it. Yeah, Analeigh. What's with your inability to pick up beans?
The girls are taken to a bowling alley, but it's not for fun and games. They're instructed to do a runway walk down the alley, and we all know how slick those things are. Isis stumbles a bit, and Marjorie and Hannah are terrible. Back at the pad, Hannah heads straight to the runway for some practice. The other girls try to advise her, which is sweet, but a bit too little, too late. After Clark and Lauren Brie indulge in some nasty gossip about how Isis doesn't belong in the competition, the girls are taken to a runway challenge at a vintage bank. Give it a couple weeks, and all banks will be vintage. OJ tells the girls that one of them is getting eliminated directly after the challenge, which riddles them with anxiety.
Though the girls are told they'll be dressed as cat burglars for the runway show, nothing of the kind happens. They wear long dresses, which I think would be an active detriment to sneaking past a security system. An added twist is that they'll be wearing blindfolds, which are more obscurefolds, but still. Hannah forgets everything she learned, and her walk sucks noodles, as does Marjorie's. Added to the mix is Samantha, who walks so terribly that she deeply offends the designer. Joslyn wins the challenge, and takes Sheena and Isis along to her reward photo shoot. Hannah's bad walk dooms her, and she's eliminated on the spot.
The next morning, OJ breaks in and wakes up the girls while wearing tight clothes. I'd throw myself out the window. It turns out that it's time for the photo shoot, which will take place right there at the model pad. The girls will get into the pool, and partially submerge themselves, so that they'll just be shot (by Nigel) from the top of the nose up. Several girls excel, if not in their facial expression, then by their various bodily contortions.
At panel, Clark is called first, which is not good news. Giving validation to assholes generally leads to tiresome situations. She's followed by Analeigh, who no doubt feels redeemed, but is still boring as hell. Though Joslyn's swimming difficulties and Elina's inability to come up with more than one pose irritate the judges, they pull through. The final two come down to Isis, whose pictures are getting worse, and Samantha, because the guest judge designer still hates her guts from the runway challenge. Isis gets the axe, and I'm heartened to see that it was because of legitimately bad pictures, and not for any bullshit reason even tangentially related to her being transgender. She's tearful as she leaves, but is proud of what she's accomplished and grateful for the opportunity. Good on her. The Back to the Future fadeout gets an extra workout as Isis and Hannah disappear together.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Marjorie gets on everyone's nerves. A hideous swamp monster eats all the girls. Guess it'll be a short season.
Overall Grade: B
Blue Suede Snooze
Project Runway - Season 5, Episode 11
For this evening's challenge, the producers put elements of other challenges in a blender and hit puree. After jettisoning three models, the designers are free to pick a new one. Though it seems likely that everyone will stick with their original model, they actually change it up a little. Leanne yoinks Suede's model, which causes him to sniff that she's "like a kid in a candy store; always wants what someone else has". What a lovely potpourri of metaphors. Kids in candy stores don't want what other kids have. They want candy. Doofus.
The models aren't even used in this challenge, because the designers are told they'll be designing for each other. But wait! There's more! Each outfit must be inspired by a particular music genre. Suede designs a rock and roll outfit for Jerell, which makes him look like...Jerell. Korto designs a punk outfit for Suede, and although she doesn't exactly set the world aflame, the jeans fit well and the bleach treatment looks nice. Jerell makes a pop outfit for Kenley, and makes her look awesome. True, pop is about the easiest genre to design for, but Jerell pulls it off with aplomb. Leanne designs a country outfit for Korto, which is exactly as hilarious as it sounds. And Kenley? Oof. Kenley, who can't design anything that you couldn't find in a vintage shop, must design a hip-hop outfit for Leanne, who may be the whitest person in America. It turns out predictably awful, and she doesn't help her cause by mouthing off to Tim and the judges (including LL Cool J) about how they don't understand hip-hop. You heard me.
Korto and Jerell are given high marks, with Korto taking the challenge win. Leanne is fair-to-middling, and is declared safe, leaving Suede and Kenley in the bottom two. Although her outfit is far worse than his, her overall design potential is considered higher, not to mention the fact that she's certainly letting her bitch flag fly proud these days. So Suede is cut, which causes fans of fashion and grammar alike to heave a sigh of relief. I guess Leanne taking his model doesn't make much difference now.
Overall Grade: B+
For this evening's challenge, the producers put elements of other challenges in a blender and hit puree. After jettisoning three models, the designers are free to pick a new one. Though it seems likely that everyone will stick with their original model, they actually change it up a little. Leanne yoinks Suede's model, which causes him to sniff that she's "like a kid in a candy store; always wants what someone else has". What a lovely potpourri of metaphors. Kids in candy stores don't want what other kids have. They want candy. Doofus.
The models aren't even used in this challenge, because the designers are told they'll be designing for each other. But wait! There's more! Each outfit must be inspired by a particular music genre. Suede designs a rock and roll outfit for Jerell, which makes him look like...Jerell. Korto designs a punk outfit for Suede, and although she doesn't exactly set the world aflame, the jeans fit well and the bleach treatment looks nice. Jerell makes a pop outfit for Kenley, and makes her look awesome. True, pop is about the easiest genre to design for, but Jerell pulls it off with aplomb. Leanne designs a country outfit for Korto, which is exactly as hilarious as it sounds. And Kenley? Oof. Kenley, who can't design anything that you couldn't find in a vintage shop, must design a hip-hop outfit for Leanne, who may be the whitest person in America. It turns out predictably awful, and she doesn't help her cause by mouthing off to Tim and the judges (including LL Cool J) about how they don't understand hip-hop. You heard me.
Korto and Jerell are given high marks, with Korto taking the challenge win. Leanne is fair-to-middling, and is declared safe, leaving Suede and Kenley in the bottom two. Although her outfit is far worse than his, her overall design potential is considered higher, not to mention the fact that she's certainly letting her bitch flag fly proud these days. So Suede is cut, which causes fans of fashion and grammar alike to heave a sigh of relief. I guess Leanne taking his model doesn't make much difference now.
Overall Grade: B+
Friday, September 19, 2008
Make Me Up Before You Go Go
America's Next Top Model - Season 11, Episode 3
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Hannah was exposed as a sort-of racist. Nikeysha babbled her way into elimination. Twelve girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Tyra meets the girls at the pad for a princess-themed, tiara-wearing rap session that looks like grand fun. For six-year-olds. Thus, the girls love it. Tyra informs them that the time has come for makeovers, and the usual shrieks ensue. For the first time in history, it appears that the girls actually realize what the makeover episode is all about, and nobody breaks down into hysterical shock when their hair is cut.
Marjorie's hair is dyed brown, and looks better than I thought it would. Joslyn gets a long weave that works well on her. Hannah gets a heavily-banged bob that looks awful in the salon, but looks better in subsequent parts of the episode. Samantha gets a super-cute pixie cut. Clark's hair is dyed dark brown, which doesn't work on her at all. Honestly, she's just not that pretty. Lauren Brie goes ice blond and looks exactly the same. Sheena gets some highlights. Analeigh getzzz... Isis gets extensions that look pretty good. McKey's hair is dyed black and chopped into a asymmetrical cut. It would look terrible on anyone else, but she manages to carry it off. Brittany gets a wavy weave and looks the same. Elina is the girl chosen to get the traditional "extreme" look, which is reminiscent of the Weave That Destroyed Tokyo. It's a fairly unattractive red weave. She might be able to work it, but it'll take some talent.
The girls are carted off to WalMart for a makeup challenge, once again destroying any right this show ever had to whine about how certain girls aren't "high-fashion" enough to represent them. After some bullshit product placement, Hannah wins the challenge and will be on some online ad that nobody will ever see. Back at the pad, conversation turns to mothers. All is hearts and flowers between Brittany and her mom, but Elina kind of hates hers. That gives Brittany an opportunity to indulge in her favorite hobby: passing judgment on others. She has a valid point that publicly trashing the woman who financially supports you is kind of assy, but her smug self-satisfaction is obnoxious. Plus, mind your own business. Brittany doesn't know what goes on in that household.
Anyhoo, the photo shoot this week is a general swimsuit shot. A lot of girls excel. Samantha, Joslyn, Elina, McKey, Sheena, Marjorie, and Lauren Brie all look good. Isis and Hannah are passable, Clark and Brittany are bland, and Analeigh izzz... At panel, Elina is called first, and while I don't think her photo was the best, she certainly deserves some credit for getting a good shot with that weird hair plopped on her head. Down at the bottom, Brittany and Analeigh are both pretty, but about as interesting as waiting in line at the DMV. I'd be happy with either of them getting cut, so am pleased as punch when Brittany gets chopped. Was it really only two episodes ago I thought she'd go all the way? Huh. Well, I certainly don't mind being wrong in this case. Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Bowling. A possible early elimination takes a girl out mid-challenge.
Overall Grade: B+
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Hannah was exposed as a sort-of racist. Nikeysha babbled her way into elimination. Twelve girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Tyra meets the girls at the pad for a princess-themed, tiara-wearing rap session that looks like grand fun. For six-year-olds. Thus, the girls love it. Tyra informs them that the time has come for makeovers, and the usual shrieks ensue. For the first time in history, it appears that the girls actually realize what the makeover episode is all about, and nobody breaks down into hysterical shock when their hair is cut.
Marjorie's hair is dyed brown, and looks better than I thought it would. Joslyn gets a long weave that works well on her. Hannah gets a heavily-banged bob that looks awful in the salon, but looks better in subsequent parts of the episode. Samantha gets a super-cute pixie cut. Clark's hair is dyed dark brown, which doesn't work on her at all. Honestly, she's just not that pretty. Lauren Brie goes ice blond and looks exactly the same. Sheena gets some highlights. Analeigh getzzz... Isis gets extensions that look pretty good. McKey's hair is dyed black and chopped into a asymmetrical cut. It would look terrible on anyone else, but she manages to carry it off. Brittany gets a wavy weave and looks the same. Elina is the girl chosen to get the traditional "extreme" look, which is reminiscent of the Weave That Destroyed Tokyo. It's a fairly unattractive red weave. She might be able to work it, but it'll take some talent.
The girls are carted off to WalMart for a makeup challenge, once again destroying any right this show ever had to whine about how certain girls aren't "high-fashion" enough to represent them. After some bullshit product placement, Hannah wins the challenge and will be on some online ad that nobody will ever see. Back at the pad, conversation turns to mothers. All is hearts and flowers between Brittany and her mom, but Elina kind of hates hers. That gives Brittany an opportunity to indulge in her favorite hobby: passing judgment on others. She has a valid point that publicly trashing the woman who financially supports you is kind of assy, but her smug self-satisfaction is obnoxious. Plus, mind your own business. Brittany doesn't know what goes on in that household.
Anyhoo, the photo shoot this week is a general swimsuit shot. A lot of girls excel. Samantha, Joslyn, Elina, McKey, Sheena, Marjorie, and Lauren Brie all look good. Isis and Hannah are passable, Clark and Brittany are bland, and Analeigh izzz... At panel, Elina is called first, and while I don't think her photo was the best, she certainly deserves some credit for getting a good shot with that weird hair plopped on her head. Down at the bottom, Brittany and Analeigh are both pretty, but about as interesting as waiting in line at the DMV. I'd be happy with either of them getting cut, so am pleased as punch when Brittany gets chopped. Was it really only two episodes ago I thought she'd go all the way? Huh. Well, I certainly don't mind being wrong in this case. Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Bowling. A possible early elimination takes a girl out mid-challenge.
Overall Grade: B+
Cap and Gowns
Project Runway - Season 5, Episode 10
Remember that episode of The Simpsons where they re-edit the end of Gone With the Wind to give it a bland ending so that it'll be palatable to senile old people? It's like they took that concept and spread it across this entire season. Tonight's challenge deals with mothers, which as we all know, has the potential to create some very delicious conflict. But not these snoozers. The specific challenge is to create an outfit for young women who have just graduated college and are entering the workforce. The catch is that the girls' moms have come along to offer advice and criticism.
Tim Gunn: "They are both your clients."
Tiffany: "So make them look like whores."
None of the clients give anyone much trouble, with the minor exception of the mother bugging Leanne, but even she's not that bad. So, clothes are constructed. Limecrete wanders to the dining room to stock up on wine and cheese. Runway show.
Leanne makes some changes to please the chatty mother, but manages to retain her aesthetic. It turns out well. Kenley makes yet another retro dress, turning her girl into a miniature version of herself. Her nasal voice and snide attitude is starting to really grate. Korto does fine work as usual. She's really the most versatile and talented designer. Joe makes a shockingly ill-fitting outfit that looks like crap. Jerell's is fine. Suede's dress isn't entirely tragic, but it doesn't suit the girl or her chosen profession. Plus, the jacket over the dress is hideous. When it comes down to decisions, Kenley, Korto, and Jerell land in the top three. Jerell wins, which is a lot more understandable this time. That leaves Leanne, Joe, and Suede in the bottom three. Leanne is clearly head and shoulders above the other two, and is declared safe almost immediately. Even though Suede has pretty much thoroughly sucked and Joe has had one or two triumphs, nobody can overlook just how bad Joe's entry is this week, and he's eliminated. Then he says he'll teach his daughters that dreams can be so big that they'll consume you. Or something.
Overall Grade: C+
Remember that episode of The Simpsons where they re-edit the end of Gone With the Wind to give it a bland ending so that it'll be palatable to senile old people? It's like they took that concept and spread it across this entire season. Tonight's challenge deals with mothers, which as we all know, has the potential to create some very delicious conflict. But not these snoozers. The specific challenge is to create an outfit for young women who have just graduated college and are entering the workforce. The catch is that the girls' moms have come along to offer advice and criticism.
Tim Gunn: "They are both your clients."
Tiffany: "So make them look like whores."
None of the clients give anyone much trouble, with the minor exception of the mother bugging Leanne, but even she's not that bad. So, clothes are constructed. Limecrete wanders to the dining room to stock up on wine and cheese. Runway show.
Leanne makes some changes to please the chatty mother, but manages to retain her aesthetic. It turns out well. Kenley makes yet another retro dress, turning her girl into a miniature version of herself. Her nasal voice and snide attitude is starting to really grate. Korto does fine work as usual. She's really the most versatile and talented designer. Joe makes a shockingly ill-fitting outfit that looks like crap. Jerell's is fine. Suede's dress isn't entirely tragic, but it doesn't suit the girl or her chosen profession. Plus, the jacket over the dress is hideous. When it comes down to decisions, Kenley, Korto, and Jerell land in the top three. Jerell wins, which is a lot more understandable this time. That leaves Leanne, Joe, and Suede in the bottom three. Leanne is clearly head and shoulders above the other two, and is declared safe almost immediately. Even though Suede has pretty much thoroughly sucked and Joe has had one or two triumphs, nobody can overlook just how bad Joe's entry is this week, and he's eliminated. Then he says he'll teach his daughters that dreams can be so big that they'll consume you. Or something.
Overall Grade: C+
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Hot Airhead Balloon
America's Next Top Model - Season 11, Episode 2
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Models! Oh, my little pretty one, my pretty one...my Sharaun-a was a despicable person and a poor model to boot, and was happily booted to be despicable elsewhere. Thirteen models remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
As promised last week, Marjorie's winning photo is displayed in the model pad, and the other girls have the grace to at least fake being happy for her. The first Tyra Mail of the evening sends the girls to meet Benny Ninja, who's starting to pop up on this show so often, he'll probably become a permanent fixture at some point. If he replaces OJ, I'm all for it. Benny tries to teach some extreme posing, because if you're going to be a model, it's important that you be able to stretch around in the fabric version of sausage casing. The girls do their best to writhe in a high fashion way. Sheena's extreme flexibility works to her advantage, while Nikeysha flops around like she's been caught in a tuna net.
Back at the pad, everyone jumps in the pool and relaxes in the hot tub. Clark -- you know, the girl who extolled small town values in her disdain for including Isis in the competition -- indulges in faux-lesbian kisses with Elina, who enjoys macking on the straight-and-narrow contestants. Hannah sits against the wall, and when Isis almost backs into her (which would have crushed her skinny ass like a peanut shell), Hannah puts her hands up and gives Isis a little shove. Nothing, right? Ah, but you forget. This is America's Next Top Model, where EVERYTHING is a big deal. Hannah-protecting-her-personal-space morphs into Hannah-is-a-bigoted-racist in about four microseconds. Brittany, Sheena, and Joslyn jump down her throat, and if Hannah had just explained that she didn't want to get her head smashed against a wall... Well, it probably wouldn't have made a difference, but still. The absolute worst way to respond is to shrug that you're just a stereotypical white girl, and compare people mildly gossiping about you to gang rape. That's exactly what Hannah does, pissing away any sympathy anyone may have had for her. Isis, despite being the impetus for this huge fight, is nowhere to be seen during the actual fight. She probably knows how ridiculous everyone's being.
The girls head to a challenge where they must strike an extreme pose while featuring a handbag for a jewelry designer. Sheena sticks the bag in her crotch, Nikeysha sucks yet again (and informs everyone present that she has to take a whiz), and Elina wins the day. The photo shoot is originally intended to strike fear into the girls' hearts by having them pose on a ladder hanging from a hot air balloon. When the wind picks up, even OJ realizes that dead models may not be the way to improve ratings, and the challenge is quickly changed so the ladder is securely fastened to a crane. Standouts include Lauren Brie, Elina, Joslyn, and Marjorie. Sheena doesn't use her arms or legs to hold onto the ladder, harnessing the power of her hoochie buttcheeks to keep herself aloft. Nikeysha, to nobody's surprise, sucks yet again. Isis' concentration on her pose leads to a weak face. At panel, Paulina asks Sheena if her jugs are a gift from God or a surgical consult. Sheena swears that it's all her, but once the criticisms are handed out to everyone, she comes forward again and admits to her bionic boobs. This admission apparently makes her more heroic than the rescue workers at Ground Zero.
Speaking of criticisms, Lauren Brie is called first, and told she has one of the best shots in Top Model history, which, not. Elina, Joslyn, and Marjorie also get praised. Isis and Nikeysha fall to the bottom two, and even putting aside that there's no way they'd boot the transexual contestant this early, Nikeysha sucks so hard and talks so much, this may be the easiest elimination ever to call. Indeed, Nikeysha takes the walk, talking over Isis' safety speech, her own elimination, and straight through the Back to the Future fadeout. Yeesh.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Makeovers! Whatever they do to Elina is a Top Model first!
LabRat: "They're making her black."
Overall Grade: B-
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Models! Oh, my little pretty one, my pretty one...my Sharaun-a was a despicable person and a poor model to boot, and was happily booted to be despicable elsewhere. Thirteen models remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
As promised last week, Marjorie's winning photo is displayed in the model pad, and the other girls have the grace to at least fake being happy for her. The first Tyra Mail of the evening sends the girls to meet Benny Ninja, who's starting to pop up on this show so often, he'll probably become a permanent fixture at some point. If he replaces OJ, I'm all for it. Benny tries to teach some extreme posing, because if you're going to be a model, it's important that you be able to stretch around in the fabric version of sausage casing. The girls do their best to writhe in a high fashion way. Sheena's extreme flexibility works to her advantage, while Nikeysha flops around like she's been caught in a tuna net.
Back at the pad, everyone jumps in the pool and relaxes in the hot tub. Clark -- you know, the girl who extolled small town values in her disdain for including Isis in the competition -- indulges in faux-lesbian kisses with Elina, who enjoys macking on the straight-and-narrow contestants. Hannah sits against the wall, and when Isis almost backs into her (which would have crushed her skinny ass like a peanut shell), Hannah puts her hands up and gives Isis a little shove. Nothing, right? Ah, but you forget. This is America's Next Top Model, where EVERYTHING is a big deal. Hannah-protecting-her-personal-space morphs into Hannah-is-a-bigoted-racist in about four microseconds. Brittany, Sheena, and Joslyn jump down her throat, and if Hannah had just explained that she didn't want to get her head smashed against a wall... Well, it probably wouldn't have made a difference, but still. The absolute worst way to respond is to shrug that you're just a stereotypical white girl, and compare people mildly gossiping about you to gang rape. That's exactly what Hannah does, pissing away any sympathy anyone may have had for her. Isis, despite being the impetus for this huge fight, is nowhere to be seen during the actual fight. She probably knows how ridiculous everyone's being.
The girls head to a challenge where they must strike an extreme pose while featuring a handbag for a jewelry designer. Sheena sticks the bag in her crotch, Nikeysha sucks yet again (and informs everyone present that she has to take a whiz), and Elina wins the day. The photo shoot is originally intended to strike fear into the girls' hearts by having them pose on a ladder hanging from a hot air balloon. When the wind picks up, even OJ realizes that dead models may not be the way to improve ratings, and the challenge is quickly changed so the ladder is securely fastened to a crane. Standouts include Lauren Brie, Elina, Joslyn, and Marjorie. Sheena doesn't use her arms or legs to hold onto the ladder, harnessing the power of her hoochie buttcheeks to keep herself aloft. Nikeysha, to nobody's surprise, sucks yet again. Isis' concentration on her pose leads to a weak face. At panel, Paulina asks Sheena if her jugs are a gift from God or a surgical consult. Sheena swears that it's all her, but once the criticisms are handed out to everyone, she comes forward again and admits to her bionic boobs. This admission apparently makes her more heroic than the rescue workers at Ground Zero.
Speaking of criticisms, Lauren Brie is called first, and told she has one of the best shots in Top Model history, which, not. Elina, Joslyn, and Marjorie also get praised. Isis and Nikeysha fall to the bottom two, and even putting aside that there's no way they'd boot the transexual contestant this early, Nikeysha sucks so hard and talks so much, this may be the easiest elimination ever to call. Indeed, Nikeysha takes the walk, talking over Isis' safety speech, her own elimination, and straight through the Back to the Future fadeout. Yeesh.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Makeovers! Whatever they do to Elina is a Top Model first!
LabRat: "They're making her black."
Overall Grade: B-
Horrorscope
Project Runway - Season 5, Episode 9
You know what, Project Runway? It's incredibly rude of you to hog all the really good drugs and not offer any to your audience. You must be hoarding some really primo shit to explain this week's decisions, which are far more mystifying than any claptrap your garden variety astrologer could dream up.
In order to inject some interest into this humdrum season, the eliminated designers are brought back to be paired up with the current designers. The challenge is to select the astrological sign of one of the team's members, then construct an avant-garde garment inspired by that sign. Most of the teams get along fine. The notable exception is Terri, who would rather rely on herself to do everything, and Keith, who needs to be gently taken aside and have it explained that he's not still in the running to win. Avant-garde is a tricky concept, especially when it must be matched to a specific inspiration, and a lot of the teams fall flat in one way or the other.
Korto and Kelli's garment isn't particulary avant-garde, but nicely evokes Aquarius. Kenley and Wesley's is nicely avant-garde, but doesn't have a thing to do with Aquarius. It doesn't even matter to Blayne what the challenge, the inspiration, or the helper (Stella) is, because he makes what he always makes: Vibrantly-colored fug. Jerell and Jennifer's somehow manages to be bland and tacky at the same time. Leanne and Emily's is terrific. It manages to pull off avant-garde and evoke a clear image of Scorpio. Well done. Another good one is Joe and Daniel's, which is like the flip-side of Jerell's -- interesting and lovely. Suede and Jerry's is dull. Terri tries to pull out Keith's Leo with some faux fur.
The designs are taken to a party, where the winner will be chosen by more ghosts of Project Runway past, including Jay, Christian, Kara Janx, Danzzz, and... Carmen? Carmen?!? Sure, why not? When scouting out high fashion, it's important to get the opinion of the chick who sent strips of unfinished fabric down the runway and got eliminated second. When Terri's fur doesn't get high marks, she reworks the design before the runway show, eschewing all ideas and offers of help from Keith, who whines a lot. After the show, the drugs really kick in, as Jerell is declared the winner. What the holy fuck? Leanne, Korto, and Joe's designs are all better than his. And not just sort of better. FAR better. Two designers are to be eliminated tonight, and the judges kick it off with a gimme by giving Blayne his long overdue booting. Loserlicious! Kenley is in danger solely because she mouthed off to Heidi, but is declared safe. That brings it to Terri and Suede, and even though we know that Terri has more design potential in her toenails than that sack of tiresome affectations has in his whole body, her inability to work with Keith gets her punted. If I gave two shits about the outcome of this season, I'd be furious. Instead, I'm just curious who the judges' dealer is. Somebody get his number.
Overall Grade: C
You know what, Project Runway? It's incredibly rude of you to hog all the really good drugs and not offer any to your audience. You must be hoarding some really primo shit to explain this week's decisions, which are far more mystifying than any claptrap your garden variety astrologer could dream up.
In order to inject some interest into this humdrum season, the eliminated designers are brought back to be paired up with the current designers. The challenge is to select the astrological sign of one of the team's members, then construct an avant-garde garment inspired by that sign. Most of the teams get along fine. The notable exception is Terri, who would rather rely on herself to do everything, and Keith, who needs to be gently taken aside and have it explained that he's not still in the running to win. Avant-garde is a tricky concept, especially when it must be matched to a specific inspiration, and a lot of the teams fall flat in one way or the other.
Korto and Kelli's garment isn't particulary avant-garde, but nicely evokes Aquarius. Kenley and Wesley's is nicely avant-garde, but doesn't have a thing to do with Aquarius. It doesn't even matter to Blayne what the challenge, the inspiration, or the helper (Stella) is, because he makes what he always makes: Vibrantly-colored fug. Jerell and Jennifer's somehow manages to be bland and tacky at the same time. Leanne and Emily's is terrific. It manages to pull off avant-garde and evoke a clear image of Scorpio. Well done. Another good one is Joe and Daniel's, which is like the flip-side of Jerell's -- interesting and lovely. Suede and Jerry's is dull. Terri tries to pull out Keith's Leo with some faux fur.
The designs are taken to a party, where the winner will be chosen by more ghosts of Project Runway past, including Jay, Christian, Kara Janx, Danzzz, and... Carmen? Carmen?!? Sure, why not? When scouting out high fashion, it's important to get the opinion of the chick who sent strips of unfinished fabric down the runway and got eliminated second. When Terri's fur doesn't get high marks, she reworks the design before the runway show, eschewing all ideas and offers of help from Keith, who whines a lot. After the show, the drugs really kick in, as Jerell is declared the winner. What the holy fuck? Leanne, Korto, and Joe's designs are all better than his. And not just sort of better. FAR better. Two designers are to be eliminated tonight, and the judges kick it off with a gimme by giving Blayne his long overdue booting. Loserlicious! Kenley is in danger solely because she mouthed off to Heidi, but is declared safe. That brings it to Terri and Suede, and even though we know that Terri has more design potential in her toenails than that sack of tiresome affectations has in his whole body, her inability to work with Keith gets her punted. If I gave two shits about the outcome of this season, I'd be furious. Instead, I'm just curious who the judges' dealer is. Somebody get his number.
Overall Grade: C
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Ballot Boxes
America's Next Top Model - Season 11, Episode 1
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Thirty-three girls wanted to take home the title. Nineteen of them achieved their goal, if the title they wanted was Loser. The remaining fourteen move on to the second half of the premiere. Who won't last long enough to have all of her hair chopped off?
The girls move into the model pad in Los Angeles, which is just as swanky as ever. Where do they find these places? The inside is decorated with well-known moments of models past, which leads to a plug for Tyra's talk show. It will not be the last. Since we can't have three girls named Brittany wandering around, Brittney B. agrees to go by Sharaun and Brittany S. agrees to go by McKey. We're never told what inspired these names, so I'm going to go with the assumption that they threw darts at a wall of letters and wrote down whatever got hit.
The girls are taken to the Magic Castle (Hey, I've been there! It was uber-fancy and a lot of fun) to meet with the judges. The judges hide in various rooms, and the girls run all over to find them so they can ask and answer questions. Sharaun impresses nobody but herself. Marjorie is a ball of nerves and giggles uncontrollably. McKey is asked what she would do if a photographer propositioned her. She says she'd kick him in the balls and leave, which takes Nigel aback. Hey, she could have given a much worse answer. Nigel's also taken aback by Isis' intelligence and knowledge of how to capture light, though he says there's something a little off about her. Because he totally hasn't been informed beforehand that she's a transexual. I fully believe you, show. In unrelated news, I traded away my cow for some magic beans this afternoon.
The photo shoot, as in seasons past, takes a political tone. Sort of. Tyra's heart is in the right place, as she makes sure to stress the importance of youth voting. Admirable. Still, the photo shoot calls for the girls to make political issues sexy, so it's just a series of shots of girls giving the cameras their best smolders and hooch poses in front of voting booths and flags. Clark, who has reminded us a gazillion times that she's competitive, takes offense when the others won't explain to her what bureaucracy means. I don't know whether to highlight "bureaucracy" or "competitive" in the dictionary I'm going to chuck at her head. Ah, hell. I'll highlight both. I'm nice like that. She never finds out, and her shot in front of a wall of red tape sucks rocks.
Other poor shots include Lauren Brie (education), Sharaun (homeland security), Samantha (economy), and Hannah (nuclear weapons). The others are passable, and notable standouts include Elina (foreign policy), Joslyn (unemployment), and Isis (privacy). At panel, the judges like Marjorie's immigration shot much more than LabRat and I, and she gets called first. Tyra informs us that the girl chosen first each week will have her shot presented as digital art in the model pad. That'll be good for generating envy-motivated drama. Isis and McKey (environment) are also given high marks. Down at the bottom are Nikeysha (cloning), who interrupts the judges during her critique, which is never a way to get into their good graces. Joining her is Sharaun, whose photo is bland and who said hideous things to Isis in the middle of her shoot. She gets booted, which makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. Is there a better experience than watching instant karma take an asshole down?
Overall Grade: B-
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Thirty-three girls wanted to take home the title. Nineteen of them achieved their goal, if the title they wanted was Loser. The remaining fourteen move on to the second half of the premiere. Who won't last long enough to have all of her hair chopped off?
The girls move into the model pad in Los Angeles, which is just as swanky as ever. Where do they find these places? The inside is decorated with well-known moments of models past, which leads to a plug for Tyra's talk show. It will not be the last. Since we can't have three girls named Brittany wandering around, Brittney B. agrees to go by Sharaun and Brittany S. agrees to go by McKey. We're never told what inspired these names, so I'm going to go with the assumption that they threw darts at a wall of letters and wrote down whatever got hit.
The girls are taken to the Magic Castle (Hey, I've been there! It was uber-fancy and a lot of fun) to meet with the judges. The judges hide in various rooms, and the girls run all over to find them so they can ask and answer questions. Sharaun impresses nobody but herself. Marjorie is a ball of nerves and giggles uncontrollably. McKey is asked what she would do if a photographer propositioned her. She says she'd kick him in the balls and leave, which takes Nigel aback. Hey, she could have given a much worse answer. Nigel's also taken aback by Isis' intelligence and knowledge of how to capture light, though he says there's something a little off about her. Because he totally hasn't been informed beforehand that she's a transexual. I fully believe you, show. In unrelated news, I traded away my cow for some magic beans this afternoon.
The photo shoot, as in seasons past, takes a political tone. Sort of. Tyra's heart is in the right place, as she makes sure to stress the importance of youth voting. Admirable. Still, the photo shoot calls for the girls to make political issues sexy, so it's just a series of shots of girls giving the cameras their best smolders and hooch poses in front of voting booths and flags. Clark, who has reminded us a gazillion times that she's competitive, takes offense when the others won't explain to her what bureaucracy means. I don't know whether to highlight "bureaucracy" or "competitive" in the dictionary I'm going to chuck at her head. Ah, hell. I'll highlight both. I'm nice like that. She never finds out, and her shot in front of a wall of red tape sucks rocks.
Other poor shots include Lauren Brie (education), Sharaun (homeland security), Samantha (economy), and Hannah (nuclear weapons). The others are passable, and notable standouts include Elina (foreign policy), Joslyn (unemployment), and Isis (privacy). At panel, the judges like Marjorie's immigration shot much more than LabRat and I, and she gets called first. Tyra informs us that the girl chosen first each week will have her shot presented as digital art in the model pad. That'll be good for generating envy-motivated drama. Isis and McKey (environment) are also given high marks. Down at the bottom are Nikeysha (cloning), who interrupts the judges during her critique, which is never a way to get into their good graces. Joining her is Sharaun, whose photo is bland and who said hideous things to Isis in the middle of her shoot. She gets booted, which makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. Is there a better experience than watching instant karma take an asshole down?
Overall Grade: B-
Roboskanks
America's Next Top Model - Season 11 Casting Special
We're back for Cycle 11, which is good news if only for getting some truly stupid girls off the streets and out of the general public's hair. I'm generally not a fan of the opening hour of the premiere, as it tends to always be the same winnowing process, but with different annoying girls. But something strange happened with this one. It hardly rubbed me the wrong way at all! In fact, dare I say, I liked it. I think it may have something to do with the fact that instead of three nice girls and thirty deluded bitches, the proportion has flipped. Now, most of the girls seem to really want to be models, instead of scrounging for camera time by acting as twatty as they can.
Not that there aren't exceptions. Tyra loves her archetypes. There's the vegan. The deprogrammed Mormon. The girl kidnapped to be a Saudi bride. The bitch. The waif. The token plus-size girl. The biracial girl. The semi-bisexual. The ghetto girl. The judgmental snot. The tranny. Oh, you heard me. One of the "girls" is a pre-op transexual, which has the potential to be obnoxious. But again, in a strange twist, it's really quite touching. Isis could have come with a me-against-the-world attitude, but she manages to make no apologies for who she is, while still being as friendly as possible to girls who wrinkle their noses in disgust.
The opening hour also always has a laughable theme, and in this case, it's futuristic technology. Makes sense. Tyra is 60% android, and the two Jays may as well be molded out of plastic. Speaking of, OJ is looking grosser by the season. Is that his "futuristic" costume or his "aging lesbian" costume? Panel interviews showcase the girls' various psychoses. The thirty-three semi-finalists are whittled down to twenty. Aw, deprogrammed Mormon will not be moving on to the metallic catsuit portion of the hour. What a shame. The girls choose their own pose before Tyra and the Jays do the final cut. I'm happy to see that the judgmental snot will not be moving into the house, because five minutes of her was about all I could take. Also cut is the plus-sizer (who needs them since Whitney won?), and a girl who majored in English Literature at Harvard, but doesn't know who Jane Eyre is. My poor blog's namesake weeps in despair. After the dust settles, fourteen girls make it in:
-Ghetto Asian (Sheena)
-Boring Girl (Analeigh)
-Saleisha Wannabe (Nikeysha)
-French Waif (Marjorie)
-Naive Teen (Samantha)
-Exotic Bisexual (Elina -- LabRat's early favorite)
-Biracial Hottie (Brittany R. -- Limecrete's early favorite)
-Annoying Egomaniac (Brittney B.)
-Side-Talking Cage-Fighter (Brittany S. -- No, I'm not kidding -- three girls named Brittany)
-Small-Town Rube (Hannah)
-Pre-Op Transexual (Isis)
-Bitch (Clark)
-Twelve-Head (Lauren Brie)
-Squeaky Old Lady (Joslyn -- Who's got one foot in the grave at the ripe old age of 23)
That's a lot of ovaries. Let's move on to the second hour of the premiere, where we can cut a couple loose (or not, if Isis takes the fall).
Overall Grade: B
We're back for Cycle 11, which is good news if only for getting some truly stupid girls off the streets and out of the general public's hair. I'm generally not a fan of the opening hour of the premiere, as it tends to always be the same winnowing process, but with different annoying girls. But something strange happened with this one. It hardly rubbed me the wrong way at all! In fact, dare I say, I liked it. I think it may have something to do with the fact that instead of three nice girls and thirty deluded bitches, the proportion has flipped. Now, most of the girls seem to really want to be models, instead of scrounging for camera time by acting as twatty as they can.
Not that there aren't exceptions. Tyra loves her archetypes. There's the vegan. The deprogrammed Mormon. The girl kidnapped to be a Saudi bride. The bitch. The waif. The token plus-size girl. The biracial girl. The semi-bisexual. The ghetto girl. The judgmental snot. The tranny. Oh, you heard me. One of the "girls" is a pre-op transexual, which has the potential to be obnoxious. But again, in a strange twist, it's really quite touching. Isis could have come with a me-against-the-world attitude, but she manages to make no apologies for who she is, while still being as friendly as possible to girls who wrinkle their noses in disgust.
The opening hour also always has a laughable theme, and in this case, it's futuristic technology. Makes sense. Tyra is 60% android, and the two Jays may as well be molded out of plastic. Speaking of, OJ is looking grosser by the season. Is that his "futuristic" costume or his "aging lesbian" costume? Panel interviews showcase the girls' various psychoses. The thirty-three semi-finalists are whittled down to twenty. Aw, deprogrammed Mormon will not be moving on to the metallic catsuit portion of the hour. What a shame. The girls choose their own pose before Tyra and the Jays do the final cut. I'm happy to see that the judgmental snot will not be moving into the house, because five minutes of her was about all I could take. Also cut is the plus-sizer (who needs them since Whitney won?), and a girl who majored in English Literature at Harvard, but doesn't know who Jane Eyre is. My poor blog's namesake weeps in despair. After the dust settles, fourteen girls make it in:
-Ghetto Asian (Sheena)
-Boring Girl (Analeigh)
-Saleisha Wannabe (Nikeysha)
-French Waif (Marjorie)
-Naive Teen (Samantha)
-Exotic Bisexual (Elina -- LabRat's early favorite)
-Biracial Hottie (Brittany R. -- Limecrete's early favorite)
-Annoying Egomaniac (Brittney B.)
-Side-Talking Cage-Fighter (Brittany S. -- No, I'm not kidding -- three girls named Brittany)
-Small-Town Rube (Hannah)
-Pre-Op Transexual (Isis)
-Bitch (Clark)
-Twelve-Head (Lauren Brie)
-Squeaky Old Lady (Joslyn -- Who's got one foot in the grave at the ripe old age of 23)
That's a lot of ovaries. Let's move on to the second hour of the premiere, where we can cut a couple loose (or not, if Isis takes the fall).
Overall Grade: B
China Syndrome
Project Runway - Season 5, Episode 8
Though I don't mind the goofy or off-kilter challenges, I like it when the show comes up with a challenge as simple as "Make a garment in this particular style. Go." It's easy for contestants to excuse shoddy work on weird challenges ("Of course the judges didn't like my dress. How often do you think I make clothes out of spinach leaves?"), but there's no hiding when they're given almost free rein.
In tonight's episode, the designers are taken to meet Diane von Furstenberg, who as far as Kenley is concerned, is Jesus. She cries at the mere sight of the Stylish One. She can afford to be a bit unfocused, as the challenge is to make a garment that reflects the old Hollywood style of a Marlene Dietrich movie which takes place in Berlin and Shanghai. This challenge may as well be called Knock Me Out of the Park, Kenley. The winning design will be sold, which charges everyone up. Nothing very noteworthy happens during shopping and construction, so it's on to the runway show.
Leanne, who has come out of nowhere, makes a beautiful dark blue dress, and vastly improves the layered jacket, which looked bulky and dumpy during construction. The other favorite is Korto, who slips a peek of banana yellow beneath a black and white dress, which looks lovely. That's really it for the good ones, but there has to be a top three, so the judges pretend that Kenley's simple dress is awesome. Eh. It's well made, but that floral print was probably stolen off some grandma's sofa. Leanne takes her second challenge in a row, which is fairly rare. Other designers are fair to middling, but never fear. There's always some truly awful design to tear apart. Joe makes an ill-fitting garment that includes metallic hot pink. What, you don't remember all the metallic hot pink from those '40s movies? When Jerell is on, he's on, but when he's off, it's hard to beat his sheer crapitude. He just can't stay away from those goofy hats.
Tiffany: "Didn't she deliver the telegram in Clue?"
Blayne once again brings the tacky-licious by making some weird-ass jodhpurs. Stella creates a collar that aims for exotic sophisticate, but as Diane points out, looks kind of vampiric instead. In the end, Joe, Stella, and Suede's faux-camouflage wind up in the bottom three. Odd. I'm no Suede fan, but Jerell's was so much worse. Stella gets the boot, which kind of sucks. Not that she blows me away as a designer, but wouldn't it have been fun to see what a thirteen-piece leather collection would look like?
Overall Grade: B+
Though I don't mind the goofy or off-kilter challenges, I like it when the show comes up with a challenge as simple as "Make a garment in this particular style. Go." It's easy for contestants to excuse shoddy work on weird challenges ("Of course the judges didn't like my dress. How often do you think I make clothes out of spinach leaves?"), but there's no hiding when they're given almost free rein.
In tonight's episode, the designers are taken to meet Diane von Furstenberg, who as far as Kenley is concerned, is Jesus. She cries at the mere sight of the Stylish One. She can afford to be a bit unfocused, as the challenge is to make a garment that reflects the old Hollywood style of a Marlene Dietrich movie which takes place in Berlin and Shanghai. This challenge may as well be called Knock Me Out of the Park, Kenley. The winning design will be sold, which charges everyone up. Nothing very noteworthy happens during shopping and construction, so it's on to the runway show.
Leanne, who has come out of nowhere, makes a beautiful dark blue dress, and vastly improves the layered jacket, which looked bulky and dumpy during construction. The other favorite is Korto, who slips a peek of banana yellow beneath a black and white dress, which looks lovely. That's really it for the good ones, but there has to be a top three, so the judges pretend that Kenley's simple dress is awesome. Eh. It's well made, but that floral print was probably stolen off some grandma's sofa. Leanne takes her second challenge in a row, which is fairly rare. Other designers are fair to middling, but never fear. There's always some truly awful design to tear apart. Joe makes an ill-fitting garment that includes metallic hot pink. What, you don't remember all the metallic hot pink from those '40s movies? When Jerell is on, he's on, but when he's off, it's hard to beat his sheer crapitude. He just can't stay away from those goofy hats.
Tiffany: "Didn't she deliver the telegram in Clue?"
Blayne once again brings the tacky-licious by making some weird-ass jodhpurs. Stella creates a collar that aims for exotic sophisticate, but as Diane points out, looks kind of vampiric instead. In the end, Joe, Stella, and Suede's faux-camouflage wind up in the bottom three. Odd. I'm no Suede fan, but Jerell's was so much worse. Stella gets the boot, which kind of sucks. Not that she blows me away as a designer, but wouldn't it have been fun to see what a thirteen-piece leather collection would look like?
Overall Grade: B+
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Car Bomb
Project Runway - Season 5, Episode 7
I love my Saturn, but I wasn't excited to see yet another extended product placement challenge. In tonight's episode, the designers are tasked with making a garment out of car parts. Though they briefly flirt with carburetor bras and such, most of them eventually settle on more workable materials like seatbelts and floormats. Keith spends the entire episode whining that the judges had the gall to criticize his crappy dress last week, and struggles to tone down his messy -- dare I say, Jeffreyesque -- aesthetic to impress them.
A lot of the designers rise to the innovation needed for this challenge a lot better than they did in the supermarket one. Korto makes a beautiful weaving pattern. Jerell's looks futuristic and stylish. Leanne makes a mini-dress from seat covers and a faux feathered neckline. Very cool. Blayne works on a dress made almost entirely out of seatbelts, which has a lot of potential. Especially for him.
Panny: "It's Saturn-licious!"
On the runway, Jerell, Terri, and Korto are the biggest hits with the viewing party, and indeed, Jerell and Korto join Leanne in the top three. Leanne scores her first win, which makes Korto look just as sour as she did when she took second-place last week. On the flip side, Blayne keeps up his track record by taking his good idea and ruining it with poor fit and odd proportions. He winds up in the bottom three with Keith, whose "cleaner" aesthetic is aimless and boring, and Stella, whose top doesn't match the skirt. Stella's really kind of grown on me, and while it would be delightful to punt Blayne and his bad tan and worse taste back home, I'm fine with the actual elimination. Keith shoots himself in the foot by telling the judges that they're asses for giving his garments such harsh criticism. Has he ever seen an episode of this show before? The judges flick him home like a ball of lint, so maybe we're finally free of nasty fringe for the rest of the season.
Overall Grade: B
I love my Saturn, but I wasn't excited to see yet another extended product placement challenge. In tonight's episode, the designers are tasked with making a garment out of car parts. Though they briefly flirt with carburetor bras and such, most of them eventually settle on more workable materials like seatbelts and floormats. Keith spends the entire episode whining that the judges had the gall to criticize his crappy dress last week, and struggles to tone down his messy -- dare I say, Jeffreyesque -- aesthetic to impress them.
A lot of the designers rise to the innovation needed for this challenge a lot better than they did in the supermarket one. Korto makes a beautiful weaving pattern. Jerell's looks futuristic and stylish. Leanne makes a mini-dress from seat covers and a faux feathered neckline. Very cool. Blayne works on a dress made almost entirely out of seatbelts, which has a lot of potential. Especially for him.
Panny: "It's Saturn-licious!"
On the runway, Jerell, Terri, and Korto are the biggest hits with the viewing party, and indeed, Jerell and Korto join Leanne in the top three. Leanne scores her first win, which makes Korto look just as sour as she did when she took second-place last week. On the flip side, Blayne keeps up his track record by taking his good idea and ruining it with poor fit and odd proportions. He winds up in the bottom three with Keith, whose "cleaner" aesthetic is aimless and boring, and Stella, whose top doesn't match the skirt. Stella's really kind of grown on me, and while it would be delightful to punt Blayne and his bad tan and worse taste back home, I'm fine with the actual elimination. Keith shoots himself in the foot by telling the judges that they're asses for giving his garments such harsh criticism. Has he ever seen an episode of this show before? The judges flick him home like a ball of lint, so maybe we're finally free of nasty fringe for the rest of the season.
Overall Grade: B
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Amazing Race 13 - Meet the Teams
Previously on The Amazing Race: A run of crappy seasons threatened to kill my loyalty towards my favorite reality show (I can actually admit I watch this, while the admission that I watch America's Next Top Model must be made sotto voce and with shifty eyes). A sudden upswing in the fantastic twelfth season renewed my faith, but also set me up for inevitable disappointment in the teams cast for the upcoming thirteenth season (premieres Sunday, September 28, 7PM Central). I love to pre-judge, even though I always wind up being wrong in regards to about half of the teams. Let's really hope I am in this case, because after watching the intro video, one thing leaps out. We've got the potential to have a big pile of douchebags on our hands. Time to ferret out the wastes of perfectly good oxygen! Join me, won't you?
Terence and Sarah: She's cute as a button, but his faux-hawk is ill-advised. I know I've whined about faux-hawks before, but the thing is, Richard and Jennifer were both able to pull theirs off pretty well. Terence's just makes him look dippy. Their web bio doesn't make them look too bad, even if it relies heavily on TAR cliches like "prove to themselves whether they belong together". The tease about "dietary restrictions" is intriguing, too. That said, the intro video does not flatter them. New York is a wonderful place, no doubt, but few things irritate me more than New York Snobbery. The biggest symptom of this obnoxious malady is the assumption that commonplace feelings and events only take place in the Big Apple. Sarah says that being from New York is a "strategic advantage", because they're used to having to live their lives on the run. Oh, they've got busy lives and need to be places on time? Only in New York! See what I mean with that?
Douchebag Alert Level: Moderate
Marisa and Brooke: "What would The Amazing Race be without a team of blonds?" the announcer asks with amused wonder. Rhetorical as the question is, I have several answers: Interesting. Competitive. Smarter. Better. I don't understand this show's fascination with the Dumb, Cannon-Fodder Blond Woman archetype. KanDustin was a remarkable exception that proves the rule: The Amazing Race blond teams, despite their traditional protestations that they're more than plasticized faces with an affinity for pink, are bad racers with inflated senses of self-worth. That may have been a fun dynamic to watch once or twice, but not in every freaking season. These two certainly aren't angling to shed that image. Right there in the web bio is the idiotic assertion that always appears with these teams: "And if they have to do a little flirting along the way, they're not opposed to that, either". Right, because the flirting strategy worked out so well for Heather and Eve. And Megan and Heidi. And Danielle and Dani. And the IBs.
Douchebag Alert Level: Moderate to Extreme
Andrew and Dan: Frat brothers. They seem to be less toolish than your typical TV frat guys, so they've got that going for them. Aside from clearly being too invested in Judd Apatow movies and having goofy majors like "Tourism Management", there's not really much to say about them. This will have to be a wait-and-see team.
Douchebag Alert Level: Mild
Aja and Ty: As mentioned with Terence and Sarah, Amazing Race bios are nothing if not consistent in their use of cliche. We've covered the "use the race to test our relationship" and "flirting with strangers will somehow allow me to scale an ice wall" ones, and now we come to "I'm competitive, which is code for 'I throw an infantile hissyfit the moment things don't go my way'". Of course, Aja and Ty are the only black team in an embarrassingly white-bread season, they seem to mistake "competitive" for "win everything", and they appear at the outset to have nothing in common except for exercise. Sound familiar? I expressed similar disgust with Ray and Yolanda, who turned out to be lovely people and damn fine racers. Let's hope these two will also break free of their unflattering bio.
Douchebag Alert Level: Mild to Moderate
Mark and Bill: Geeks are king right now, and The Amazing Race knows when to jump on a good bandwagon. These two are friends who are into science-fiction and gaming, so you know one of them's got to be a Level 70 Druid based in Darnassus. Uh... I mean... I don't know anything about gaming! That stuff's for dorks! OK, fine. I'll admit I have a slight bias towards these two, as they seem perfectly nice, and I also have a pinch of geek in my patchwork personality. It'll be interesting to see how people with such cerebral interests will fare in such a physical contest.
Douchebag Alert Level: Non-Existent
Toni and Dallas: One of the things that made Season 12 so compelling was the number of family teams, which I generally find a lot more interesting than the endless parade of dysfunctional couples. Unfortunately, there are only two family teams this time, and only one of them appears to want to run a race, rather than to get their mugs on television. And here they are! What's funny about these two is that I know a single mom named Toni and I know a tall, wry guy named Dallas. They've never crossed paths, but it's fun to think about them in the same room. Anyhoo, this Toni and this Dallas appear to have a functional family relationship, which is nice to see, as parent/child teams are often fraught with so much psychological baggage, there's no room for the literal baggage. She says she'll fight the natural tendency to boss her kid around, and he's worried she'll embarrass him on multiple continents. Sounds logical.
Douchebag Alert Level: Non-Existent
Nick and Starr: Here's the other family team, and these siblings are thrilled to be on television. Yay! Millions of people will see their photogenic, smiling faces! Oh, and apparently, they'll be running the race as well. Who could have ever imagined that someone named Starr Spangler would like attention? All of this is pure speculation on my part, of course, and they could turn out to be skillful, intelligent racers. They just have that look of being more interested in the camera than the experience. One part of their bio that really chaps my hide isn't their fault. "Nick performs on the New York stage in an Off-Broadway musical called The Fantasticks, while Starr was a cheerleader for the Dallas Cowboys for the past three seasons." So, a record-holding show that has run for 48 years needs the qualifier "an Off-Broadway musical called...", but the phrase "a football team called..." is nowhere in sight, for obvious reasons. Damn breeders.
Douchebag Alert Level: Mild
Anita and Arthur: Wowsers. There's not much to say about these two that looking at their photo wouldn't explain. What can I add? Frankly, they look like they'd be a blast to hang out with. Older teams don't have the greatest track record, so I suppose we'll just have to enjoy them while they last.
Douchebag Alert Level: Non-Existent
Kelly and Christy: I would love to see an all-female team win the race. I really would. And I believe that the producers would like to see it as well. Why, then, are teams of such obvious ineptitude constantly foisted upon us? It can't be that difficult to find a smart, able all-female team. Cut it out with the cheerleader/pharmaceutical reps already. In their intro video, all they can find to talk about is their makeup. Literally. Not a word is spoken that is unrelated to cosmetics. These two are practically clones of Kellie and Jamie. Remember them? Me neither.
Douchebag Alert Level: Extreme
Ken and Tina: It's hard to pick the most annoying thing about these asses. The Bickering Couple archetype is never fun, and these two have all the classic signs. They're married but separated, just as many people on this show with severe personality flaws have been. He's cheated on her, but they have no trouble identifying themselves as strong Christians (and ten will get you twenty that they're the Weaver kind of Christian -- not the Golden Rule kind). So she's a nagging shrew and he's an aggressive tool. Let's hope they can work their marriage out. We don't need people like this in the dating pool. Oh, and if Tina's quote that they'll be "touching lives" across the world doesn't make you giggle nastily, you're a better person than I.
Douchebag Alert Level: Extreme
Anthony and Stephanie: If one tiresome, fighting couple isn't enough, have another one! They broke up for a year, but if they make it through the race, Anthony says he'll propose to Stephanie. What a terrific relationship benchmark. In the intro video, they try to pawn off their fighting on their ethnicity, which I didn't accept from Sam, and I won't accept now. At least Ken and Tina are obnoxious and slightly interesting. These two are just plain obnoxious.
Douchebag Alert Level: Extreme
Terence and Sarah: She's cute as a button, but his faux-hawk is ill-advised. I know I've whined about faux-hawks before, but the thing is, Richard and Jennifer were both able to pull theirs off pretty well. Terence's just makes him look dippy. Their web bio doesn't make them look too bad, even if it relies heavily on TAR cliches like "prove to themselves whether they belong together". The tease about "dietary restrictions" is intriguing, too. That said, the intro video does not flatter them. New York is a wonderful place, no doubt, but few things irritate me more than New York Snobbery. The biggest symptom of this obnoxious malady is the assumption that commonplace feelings and events only take place in the Big Apple. Sarah says that being from New York is a "strategic advantage", because they're used to having to live their lives on the run. Oh, they've got busy lives and need to be places on time? Only in New York! See what I mean with that?
Douchebag Alert Level: Moderate
Marisa and Brooke: "What would The Amazing Race be without a team of blonds?" the announcer asks with amused wonder. Rhetorical as the question is, I have several answers: Interesting. Competitive. Smarter. Better. I don't understand this show's fascination with the Dumb, Cannon-Fodder Blond Woman archetype. KanDustin was a remarkable exception that proves the rule: The Amazing Race blond teams, despite their traditional protestations that they're more than plasticized faces with an affinity for pink, are bad racers with inflated senses of self-worth. That may have been a fun dynamic to watch once or twice, but not in every freaking season. These two certainly aren't angling to shed that image. Right there in the web bio is the idiotic assertion that always appears with these teams: "And if they have to do a little flirting along the way, they're not opposed to that, either". Right, because the flirting strategy worked out so well for Heather and Eve. And Megan and Heidi. And Danielle and Dani. And the IBs.
Douchebag Alert Level: Moderate to Extreme
Andrew and Dan: Frat brothers. They seem to be less toolish than your typical TV frat guys, so they've got that going for them. Aside from clearly being too invested in Judd Apatow movies and having goofy majors like "Tourism Management", there's not really much to say about them. This will have to be a wait-and-see team.
Douchebag Alert Level: Mild
Aja and Ty: As mentioned with Terence and Sarah, Amazing Race bios are nothing if not consistent in their use of cliche. We've covered the "use the race to test our relationship" and "flirting with strangers will somehow allow me to scale an ice wall" ones, and now we come to "I'm competitive, which is code for 'I throw an infantile hissyfit the moment things don't go my way'". Of course, Aja and Ty are the only black team in an embarrassingly white-bread season, they seem to mistake "competitive" for "win everything", and they appear at the outset to have nothing in common except for exercise. Sound familiar? I expressed similar disgust with Ray and Yolanda, who turned out to be lovely people and damn fine racers. Let's hope these two will also break free of their unflattering bio.
Douchebag Alert Level: Mild to Moderate
Mark and Bill: Geeks are king right now, and The Amazing Race knows when to jump on a good bandwagon. These two are friends who are into science-fiction and gaming, so you know one of them's got to be a Level 70 Druid based in Darnassus. Uh... I mean... I don't know anything about gaming! That stuff's for dorks! OK, fine. I'll admit I have a slight bias towards these two, as they seem perfectly nice, and I also have a pinch of geek in my patchwork personality. It'll be interesting to see how people with such cerebral interests will fare in such a physical contest.
Douchebag Alert Level: Non-Existent
Toni and Dallas: One of the things that made Season 12 so compelling was the number of family teams, which I generally find a lot more interesting than the endless parade of dysfunctional couples. Unfortunately, there are only two family teams this time, and only one of them appears to want to run a race, rather than to get their mugs on television. And here they are! What's funny about these two is that I know a single mom named Toni and I know a tall, wry guy named Dallas. They've never crossed paths, but it's fun to think about them in the same room. Anyhoo, this Toni and this Dallas appear to have a functional family relationship, which is nice to see, as parent/child teams are often fraught with so much psychological baggage, there's no room for the literal baggage. She says she'll fight the natural tendency to boss her kid around, and he's worried she'll embarrass him on multiple continents. Sounds logical.
Douchebag Alert Level: Non-Existent
Nick and Starr: Here's the other family team, and these siblings are thrilled to be on television. Yay! Millions of people will see their photogenic, smiling faces! Oh, and apparently, they'll be running the race as well. Who could have ever imagined that someone named Starr Spangler would like attention? All of this is pure speculation on my part, of course, and they could turn out to be skillful, intelligent racers. They just have that look of being more interested in the camera than the experience. One part of their bio that really chaps my hide isn't their fault. "Nick performs on the New York stage in an Off-Broadway musical called The Fantasticks, while Starr was a cheerleader for the Dallas Cowboys for the past three seasons." So, a record-holding show that has run for 48 years needs the qualifier "an Off-Broadway musical called...", but the phrase "a football team called..." is nowhere in sight, for obvious reasons. Damn breeders.
Douchebag Alert Level: Mild
Anita and Arthur: Wowsers. There's not much to say about these two that looking at their photo wouldn't explain. What can I add? Frankly, they look like they'd be a blast to hang out with. Older teams don't have the greatest track record, so I suppose we'll just have to enjoy them while they last.
Douchebag Alert Level: Non-Existent
Kelly and Christy: I would love to see an all-female team win the race. I really would. And I believe that the producers would like to see it as well. Why, then, are teams of such obvious ineptitude constantly foisted upon us? It can't be that difficult to find a smart, able all-female team. Cut it out with the cheerleader/pharmaceutical reps already. In their intro video, all they can find to talk about is their makeup. Literally. Not a word is spoken that is unrelated to cosmetics. These two are practically clones of Kellie and Jamie. Remember them? Me neither.
Douchebag Alert Level: Extreme
Ken and Tina: It's hard to pick the most annoying thing about these asses. The Bickering Couple archetype is never fun, and these two have all the classic signs. They're married but separated, just as many people on this show with severe personality flaws have been. He's cheated on her, but they have no trouble identifying themselves as strong Christians (and ten will get you twenty that they're the Weaver kind of Christian -- not the Golden Rule kind). So she's a nagging shrew and he's an aggressive tool. Let's hope they can work their marriage out. We don't need people like this in the dating pool. Oh, and if Tina's quote that they'll be "touching lives" across the world doesn't make you giggle nastily, you're a better person than I.
Douchebag Alert Level: Extreme
Anthony and Stephanie: If one tiresome, fighting couple isn't enough, have another one! They broke up for a year, but if they make it through the race, Anthony says he'll propose to Stephanie. What a terrific relationship benchmark. In the intro video, they try to pawn off their fighting on their ethnicity, which I didn't accept from Sam, and I won't accept now. At least Ken and Tina are obnoxious and slightly interesting. These two are just plain obnoxious.
Douchebag Alert Level: Extreme
Saturday, August 23, 2008
What a Drag
Project Runway - Season 5, Episode 6
The Amazing Race has gone through a few lackluster seasons, and still managed to pull itself together. Thus, I'm not prepared to write Project Runway off, but DAMN. When was the last interesting episode? The one where Laura accused Jeffrey of cheating? It sure has been a while.
Even tonight, when the delightful challenge is to design a costumey, over-the-top outfit for a drag queen, this group of duds manages to make it dull. The one time the designers are given permission to go completely wild, and are guaranteed not to be told to tone it down, and 80% of them put me to sleep. Yawn. The designers are told to make a drag queen outfit that fits their particular queen's persona. Suede decides to do exactly the opposite. He asks his queen's opinion, then proceeds to not only ignore it, but to take active offense to it. Suede, honey... I've seen your queen decimate one of the most powerful men in gay porn on stage, then send him back to his seat like a puppy. She could take a third-person-spewing reality show wannabe in her sleep.
When they come out onto the runway, most of these dresses don't even rate a mention. I will say that Terri doesn't particularly deserve to be in the top three, which she is, and Jerell doesn't particularly deserve to be in the bottom three, which he is. Still, it turns out not to matter, as both the winner and loser are well-chosen. Joe... You know, the straight one? Yeah, apparently, he was the only guy to actually listen to that whole "make an outfit to fit your client's persona" direction, and creates a Barbie-pink sailor suit that his queen sells the shit out of on the runway. He takes the much-deserved win, along with immunity for next week. Meanwhile, Keith and Daniel join Jerell in the bottom three, and Daniel, who has been circling the drain since Day One, is finally cut loose for making yet another boring cocktail dress. It's about time. He's a "designer" in the way that someone who can only make scrambled eggs is a "chef".
Overall Grade: C+
The Amazing Race has gone through a few lackluster seasons, and still managed to pull itself together. Thus, I'm not prepared to write Project Runway off, but DAMN. When was the last interesting episode? The one where Laura accused Jeffrey of cheating? It sure has been a while.
Even tonight, when the delightful challenge is to design a costumey, over-the-top outfit for a drag queen, this group of duds manages to make it dull. The one time the designers are given permission to go completely wild, and are guaranteed not to be told to tone it down, and 80% of them put me to sleep. Yawn. The designers are told to make a drag queen outfit that fits their particular queen's persona. Suede decides to do exactly the opposite. He asks his queen's opinion, then proceeds to not only ignore it, but to take active offense to it. Suede, honey... I've seen your queen decimate one of the most powerful men in gay porn on stage, then send him back to his seat like a puppy. She could take a third-person-spewing reality show wannabe in her sleep.
When they come out onto the runway, most of these dresses don't even rate a mention. I will say that Terri doesn't particularly deserve to be in the top three, which she is, and Jerell doesn't particularly deserve to be in the bottom three, which he is. Still, it turns out not to matter, as both the winner and loser are well-chosen. Joe... You know, the straight one? Yeah, apparently, he was the only guy to actually listen to that whole "make an outfit to fit your client's persona" direction, and creates a Barbie-pink sailor suit that his queen sells the shit out of on the runway. He takes the much-deserved win, along with immunity for next week. Meanwhile, Keith and Daniel join Jerell in the bottom three, and Daniel, who has been circling the drain since Day One, is finally cut loose for making yet another boring cocktail dress. It's about time. He's a "designer" in the way that someone who can only make scrambled eggs is a "chef".
Overall Grade: C+
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
The Ew Lagoon
Project Runway - Season 5, Episode 5
This week, the designers are tasked with making a garment for a high-powered, chic woman, whom we already know is Brooke Shields from last week's preview. What we didn't know is that this outfit should be a day-to-evening look for her character on that show that nobody I know watches, and was inexplicably picked up for a second season. The winning designer won't get immunity, but Brooke will wear the outfit on the air, thereby ensuring that the designer's work will be seen by at least thirteen people. As an added "twist", the designers work in teams of two. They all pitch their ideas to Brooke, who then selects six of them to be team leaders.
Blayne is chosen (probably because Brooke is afraid he'll eat her liver if he weren't), and picks Leanne as his teammate. Keith dazzles Brooke with talk of ruffles, and selects Kenley. Terri wows Brooke with pants, and selects Suede. Brooke enjoys Korto's color palette, and Korto picks Joe. Kelli promises a sophisticated top, and picks Daniel. That leaves Jerell with Stella.
As with most team challenges, the kids can't play nice together, though Jerell and Stella are a surprising exception. Korto accuses Joe of backstabbing her to Tim (though they talk it out afterwards). Kelli won't accept Daniel's lopsided mess of a skirt. Terri becomes four kinds of awesome when she questions Suede's genitals and swears that she won't allow him to suckle at her teat. Kenley and her buttoned-down aesthetic try to reign in Keith's preoccupation with flutter. Leanne keeps her mouth shut and allows Blayne to misjudge the entire challenge, as he's done pretty much every week. Something good does come of the conflict, as Joe's concerns convince Korto to pull in a jacket that was looking very Golden Girls - Season 2, and Terri/Suede make some improvements to a top that can only get incrementally better, thanks to some fugly fabric.
Limecrete: "I think it's impossible to make that fabric look good."
Ana Warpath: "Yeah, that's some serious Fashion Bug shit right there."
On the runway, a lot of the looks come out better than expected. Korto and Joe have made their dress look less saggy and shapeless, except around the bustline, which is awful. Kelli and Daniel's is blah. Keith and Kenley's is okay, but I don't think the top and bottom match, color-wise. Terri and Suede's is as good as that nasty fabric can get. Blayne's design is the least tacky thing he's ever made, but it in no way adheres to the challenge. If this week were about beach-wear, he'd be in good shape, but businesswomen attend neither their jobs nor their evening parties in shorts. Jerell and Stella actually pull out a very cool garment, which blows me away, considering they're individually responsible for this:
And this:
In the end, Jerell/Stella and Keith/Kenley are the top two teams, with Keith getting an extremely undeserved win. Kelli and Daniel's outfit is declared a lot tackier than I think it is (though it certainly doesn't wow me), and they wind up in the bottom with Blayne and Leanne. Kelli does her best to get Daniel auf'd, saying that even if the design wasn't to the judges' tastes, she's got a hell of a lot more potential than Daniel (which, yeah). Daniel, sounding more and more like Kip with every passing week, snots that he has impeccable taste, which causes Kenley to crack up with contempt. Awesome. As usual, none of the construction was bad enough to lay the blame on the helpers, so Daniel and Leanne are declared safe. Leave it to Blayne to make his least horrible outfit this week, causing Kelli to be chopped. Boo! Blayne ruins everything.
Overall Grade: B+
This week, the designers are tasked with making a garment for a high-powered, chic woman, whom we already know is Brooke Shields from last week's preview. What we didn't know is that this outfit should be a day-to-evening look for her character on that show that nobody I know watches, and was inexplicably picked up for a second season. The winning designer won't get immunity, but Brooke will wear the outfit on the air, thereby ensuring that the designer's work will be seen by at least thirteen people. As an added "twist", the designers work in teams of two. They all pitch their ideas to Brooke, who then selects six of them to be team leaders.
Blayne is chosen (probably because Brooke is afraid he'll eat her liver if he weren't), and picks Leanne as his teammate. Keith dazzles Brooke with talk of ruffles, and selects Kenley. Terri wows Brooke with pants, and selects Suede. Brooke enjoys Korto's color palette, and Korto picks Joe. Kelli promises a sophisticated top, and picks Daniel. That leaves Jerell with Stella.
As with most team challenges, the kids can't play nice together, though Jerell and Stella are a surprising exception. Korto accuses Joe of backstabbing her to Tim (though they talk it out afterwards). Kelli won't accept Daniel's lopsided mess of a skirt. Terri becomes four kinds of awesome when she questions Suede's genitals and swears that she won't allow him to suckle at her teat. Kenley and her buttoned-down aesthetic try to reign in Keith's preoccupation with flutter. Leanne keeps her mouth shut and allows Blayne to misjudge the entire challenge, as he's done pretty much every week. Something good does come of the conflict, as Joe's concerns convince Korto to pull in a jacket that was looking very Golden Girls - Season 2, and Terri/Suede make some improvements to a top that can only get incrementally better, thanks to some fugly fabric.
Limecrete: "I think it's impossible to make that fabric look good."
Ana Warpath: "Yeah, that's some serious Fashion Bug shit right there."
On the runway, a lot of the looks come out better than expected. Korto and Joe have made their dress look less saggy and shapeless, except around the bustline, which is awful. Kelli and Daniel's is blah. Keith and Kenley's is okay, but I don't think the top and bottom match, color-wise. Terri and Suede's is as good as that nasty fabric can get. Blayne's design is the least tacky thing he's ever made, but it in no way adheres to the challenge. If this week were about beach-wear, he'd be in good shape, but businesswomen attend neither their jobs nor their evening parties in shorts. Jerell and Stella actually pull out a very cool garment, which blows me away, considering they're individually responsible for this:
And this:
In the end, Jerell/Stella and Keith/Kenley are the top two teams, with Keith getting an extremely undeserved win. Kelli and Daniel's outfit is declared a lot tackier than I think it is (though it certainly doesn't wow me), and they wind up in the bottom with Blayne and Leanne. Kelli does her best to get Daniel auf'd, saying that even if the design wasn't to the judges' tastes, she's got a hell of a lot more potential than Daniel (which, yeah). Daniel, sounding more and more like Kip with every passing week, snots that he has impeccable taste, which causes Kenley to crack up with contempt. Awesome. As usual, none of the construction was bad enough to lay the blame on the helpers, so Daniel and Leanne are declared safe. Leave it to Blayne to make his least horrible outfit this week, causing Kelli to be chopped. Boo! Blayne ruins everything.
Overall Grade: B+
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
Passing the Torch
Project Runway - Season 5, Episode 4
The bad news is that Timiffany's DVR cut off the first fifteen minutes of this episode. The good news is that it doesn't seem to make much of a difference. The gist of this one is easily picked up. The designers are tasked with making an outfit suitable for United States athletes to wear at the Olympic opening ceremonies. Based on some of the garments we'll see later, some of the designers were apparently composing their grocery lists or thinking about how much they like pudding instead of listening.
Our viewing party joins the episode in the middle of a bunch of people whining about Kenley's annoying laugh. Normally, I'd be on her side on this one, but I've worked in offices with laughers; it really does get old quickly. Korto tells us about her background, and while her story of leaving Liberia with her family is touching, it's certainly no Laotian family prison. That dispensed with, Joe snipes at Daniel for threading one of the sewing machines with red thread. I've never understood why each designer doesn't just get their own machine that nobody else can use without permission, but then I guess we wouldn't get scintillating scenes like this one. So Joe yells at Daniel for not psychically divining which machine Joe uses. Daniel fails to fall over himself to apologize, so Joe goes into the workroom and gossips about how horrible Daniel is for this, having the temerity to give a world-weary sigh about all the drama the gay designers create. Um...Joe? The only fit-throwing priss I see right now is you.
Standouts on the runway include Korto, Keith, and Terri. We pause for a while on Terri's garment, as it looks like either her model's boobs have been shoved sideways, or her nipples have been digitally erased. A lot of designers, such as Kelli, make pretty clothing that is completely unsuitable for the challenge; I doubt our nation's athletes are going to stride into the opening ceremonies in cocktail dresses. Joe, unsurprisingly, takes the sports aspect more seriously, and winds up in the top three, along with Terri and Korto. Korto wins the challenge and immunity.
Daniel's dress isn't athletic in the least, and his saturated blue fabric comes off as purple on the runway. Jennifer makezzz..... Jerell's outfit is downright hideous. Yes, the one he's wearing, but especially the one he's made. It'd be like describing the Olympics to the Little House on the Prairie characters, and asking them to make a dress based on what they've just heard. Though I wouldn't be sad to see him go, Jennifer's reign of bland cannot be ignored any longer, and she gets the heave-ho. I've already forgotten her.
Overall Grade: B-
The bad news is that Timiffany's DVR cut off the first fifteen minutes of this episode. The good news is that it doesn't seem to make much of a difference. The gist of this one is easily picked up. The designers are tasked with making an outfit suitable for United States athletes to wear at the Olympic opening ceremonies. Based on some of the garments we'll see later, some of the designers were apparently composing their grocery lists or thinking about how much they like pudding instead of listening.
Our viewing party joins the episode in the middle of a bunch of people whining about Kenley's annoying laugh. Normally, I'd be on her side on this one, but I've worked in offices with laughers; it really does get old quickly. Korto tells us about her background, and while her story of leaving Liberia with her family is touching, it's certainly no Laotian family prison. That dispensed with, Joe snipes at Daniel for threading one of the sewing machines with red thread. I've never understood why each designer doesn't just get their own machine that nobody else can use without permission, but then I guess we wouldn't get scintillating scenes like this one. So Joe yells at Daniel for not psychically divining which machine Joe uses. Daniel fails to fall over himself to apologize, so Joe goes into the workroom and gossips about how horrible Daniel is for this, having the temerity to give a world-weary sigh about all the drama the gay designers create. Um...Joe? The only fit-throwing priss I see right now is you.
Standouts on the runway include Korto, Keith, and Terri. We pause for a while on Terri's garment, as it looks like either her model's boobs have been shoved sideways, or her nipples have been digitally erased. A lot of designers, such as Kelli, make pretty clothing that is completely unsuitable for the challenge; I doubt our nation's athletes are going to stride into the opening ceremonies in cocktail dresses. Joe, unsurprisingly, takes the sports aspect more seriously, and winds up in the top three, along with Terri and Korto. Korto wins the challenge and immunity.
Daniel's dress isn't athletic in the least, and his saturated blue fabric comes off as purple on the runway. Jennifer makezzz..... Jerell's outfit is downright hideous. Yes, the one he's wearing, but especially the one he's made. It'd be like describing the Olympics to the Little House on the Prairie characters, and asking them to make a dress based on what they've just heard. Though I wouldn't be sad to see him go, Jennifer's reign of bland cannot be ignored any longer, and she gets the heave-ho. I've already forgotten her.
Overall Grade: B-
Thursday, July 31, 2008
She Loves the Nightlife, She's Got to Boogie
Project Runway - Season 5, Episode 3
This season's batch of contestants sure are shaping up to be some of the tritest famewhores ever, aren't they? Suede is still obnoxiously referring to himself in the third person, Blayne is still obnoxiously trying to coin a catchphrase, Stella is still obnoxiously squawking about how "rock and roll" she is (nothing with shades of Jeffrey is a positive thing), and Keith lives up to my first episode prediction by saying that he's not here to make friends. What a fresh outlook!
Anyhow, the designers are told that Tim is taking them out for a night on the town. They appear to take Heidi at her word, and if that's true, they're not only trite, but idiotic. The "night out" is really a bus tour of the city, during which the designers are told to take pictures that will inspire their next garment.
The gowns are constructed. Nothing interesting happens.
Runway show. Everyone at the viewing party enjoys Jerell's dress and hates Jennifer's. LabRat and Tiffany like Leanne's a great deal more than I do, but I do have to admit that it's far better than her uggo dress last week. Everyone else's is fair to middling, except Emily's poorly-placed ruffle and Blayne, who has yet to make something that isn't supremely tacky. The judges put Terri, Kenley, and Leanne in the top three, with Kenley's Dynasty-lookin' garment taking the win. I don't know; it certainly wasn't a contender for the bottom three, but I really didn't like the prairie neckline and huge shoulders. Keith, Emily, and Jennifer sink to the bottom, and in a fairly shocking elimination, Emily is sent packing. That ruffle was unsuccessful, but at least it had a point of view. I would have rather seen Jennifer go. She has to be the dullest contestant to date, with designs to match.
Overall Grade: C
This season's batch of contestants sure are shaping up to be some of the tritest famewhores ever, aren't they? Suede is still obnoxiously referring to himself in the third person, Blayne is still obnoxiously trying to coin a catchphrase, Stella is still obnoxiously squawking about how "rock and roll" she is (nothing with shades of Jeffrey is a positive thing), and Keith lives up to my first episode prediction by saying that he's not here to make friends. What a fresh outlook!
Anyhow, the designers are told that Tim is taking them out for a night on the town. They appear to take Heidi at her word, and if that's true, they're not only trite, but idiotic. The "night out" is really a bus tour of the city, during which the designers are told to take pictures that will inspire their next garment.
The gowns are constructed. Nothing interesting happens.
Runway show. Everyone at the viewing party enjoys Jerell's dress and hates Jennifer's. LabRat and Tiffany like Leanne's a great deal more than I do, but I do have to admit that it's far better than her uggo dress last week. Everyone else's is fair to middling, except Emily's poorly-placed ruffle and Blayne, who has yet to make something that isn't supremely tacky. The judges put Terri, Kenley, and Leanne in the top three, with Kenley's Dynasty-lookin' garment taking the win. I don't know; it certainly wasn't a contender for the bottom three, but I really didn't like the prairie neckline and huge shoulders. Keith, Emily, and Jennifer sink to the bottom, and in a fairly shocking elimination, Emily is sent packing. That ruffle was unsuccessful, but at least it had a point of view. I would have rather seen Jennifer go. She has to be the dullest contestant to date, with designs to match.
Overall Grade: C
Thursday, July 24, 2008
It's Not Easy Bein' Green
Project Runway - Season 5, Episode 2
Tonight's episode kicks off with the traditional model selection, and we notice that this year's crop of models is a lot prettier than in the past couple of seasons. Good casting. This general cloud of beauty makes Jerell's consternation all the more confusing when someone yoinks the girl he's worked with for all of one challenge.
Tiffany: "Does he think he's going to get the fat, ugly one?"
The models aren't just for show this week. The designers are tasked with creating a cocktail dress for their model, made out of green fabrics. That's "green" as in environmentally responsible, not "green" as in...green. As a further twist, the models are the ones taken shopping. The restriction of using eco-fabric makes the selection somewhat slim, and a few of the models wind up with the same copper-colored material.
Back at the workroom, Stella ignores her model's wishes, while everyone else makes fun of her wish that every challenge incorporated leather. Suede annoys everyone by talking in the third-person, which is such an outdated personality flaw, it's not even enjoyable to make fun of anymore. Korto confounds Tim by putting darts on the outside of her garment, and Leanne wants to separate herself from the other two copper material dresses by making hers really ugly. OK, maybe that's not what she wants, but it's what she does.
The runway show begins, with Natalie Portman as guest judge. The viewing party's favorites include Keith, Terri, Joe, and Kenley, so of course the judges ignore three of them. They decree Kenley, Stella, and Suede as the top three. OK, Stella really did pull out a fairly impressive dress, but Suede? Really? Yes, really. In fact, so really that he wins, and his outfit will be sold to the public, despite the fact that only Courtney Love and Bjork will buy one. Meanwhile, Korto, Wesley, and Leanne drop to the bottom three. Again, huh? Maybe Korto's inside-out darts didn't work out the way they were supposed to, but her dress is a thousand times prettier than Blayne's trashy, '80s-prom-lookin' hooker-wear. The other two are legitimately fug. Leanne's dress has way too much going on, and Wesley's is a tacky, ill-fitting mess. It's enough of a mess that he gets eliminated, and I experience a moment of regret, as Wesley's fairly cute. Then I notice that he's wearing a gray jacket over a blue shirt, tan shorts, and FIRE ENGINE RED shoes. All right, go ahead and eliminate him. Nobody with taste that bad deserves to stick around.
Overall Grade: B
Tonight's episode kicks off with the traditional model selection, and we notice that this year's crop of models is a lot prettier than in the past couple of seasons. Good casting. This general cloud of beauty makes Jerell's consternation all the more confusing when someone yoinks the girl he's worked with for all of one challenge.
Tiffany: "Does he think he's going to get the fat, ugly one?"
The models aren't just for show this week. The designers are tasked with creating a cocktail dress for their model, made out of green fabrics. That's "green" as in environmentally responsible, not "green" as in...green. As a further twist, the models are the ones taken shopping. The restriction of using eco-fabric makes the selection somewhat slim, and a few of the models wind up with the same copper-colored material.
Back at the workroom, Stella ignores her model's wishes, while everyone else makes fun of her wish that every challenge incorporated leather. Suede annoys everyone by talking in the third-person, which is such an outdated personality flaw, it's not even enjoyable to make fun of anymore. Korto confounds Tim by putting darts on the outside of her garment, and Leanne wants to separate herself from the other two copper material dresses by making hers really ugly. OK, maybe that's not what she wants, but it's what she does.
The runway show begins, with Natalie Portman as guest judge. The viewing party's favorites include Keith, Terri, Joe, and Kenley, so of course the judges ignore three of them. They decree Kenley, Stella, and Suede as the top three. OK, Stella really did pull out a fairly impressive dress, but Suede? Really? Yes, really. In fact, so really that he wins, and his outfit will be sold to the public, despite the fact that only Courtney Love and Bjork will buy one. Meanwhile, Korto, Wesley, and Leanne drop to the bottom three. Again, huh? Maybe Korto's inside-out darts didn't work out the way they were supposed to, but her dress is a thousand times prettier than Blayne's trashy, '80s-prom-lookin' hooker-wear. The other two are legitimately fug. Leanne's dress has way too much going on, and Wesley's is a tacky, ill-fitting mess. It's enough of a mess that he gets eliminated, and I experience a moment of regret, as Wesley's fairly cute. Then I notice that he's wearing a gray jacket over a blue shirt, tan shorts, and FIRE ENGINE RED shoes. All right, go ahead and eliminate him. Nobody with taste that bad deserves to stick around.
Overall Grade: B
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Supermarket Sweep
Project Runway - Season 5, Episode 1
Welcome to the kickoff of the new Project Runway season, which for the most part gets started like...every other season of Project Runway. Timiffany's DVR actually cut off the first few minutes, but I assume that I didn't miss much. Let me guess. So-and-so has a "passion for fashion". Clothes are so-and-so's life. So-and-so gave up a lot to be here. Oh, and so-and-so? Not here to make friends:
When we join the program already in progress, the traditional toast on the roof is still going on, and we've missed several people's names. Eh, it's not that important yet. There's that one guy, and that nondescript girl, and that cute guy, and the quiet guy, and those guys who mistakenly think they're edgy, and a dude who needs to start over from gene #1, and a lady with really bad hair, and apparently, an extra from Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome.
The first challenge, which is always about innovation, is lifted wholesale from the first challenge of the first season. I actually haven't seen the first season yet, so it's all good by me. Austin, who you'll remember won that challenge in the days of yore, is on-hand to guest judge the new designers, who have half an hour and $75 to shop for supplies in a grocery store. I guess the new crop of kids hasn't bothered to watch any of the previous seasons, because while it's totally obvious that creativity is the main focus of the challenge, many of them just pick up tablecloths and call it a day. During the construction phase, Tim Gunn blasts them all for being boring slackers, and it's a welcome return to form after episode upon episode of Tim muttering his catchphrases and leaving.
Stella has bought garbage bags to construct her dress, and is upset to discover that they're not as durable as she'd like. She falls apart during construction, having thoroughly convinced herself that she's painted herself into a corner. Terri does something very fetching with mop heads, which was an appropriate choice of material, given her hairstyle. Kelli makes a beautiful, creative dress out of paper, dye, and bleach, which Kender knew from the moment she started would turn out lovely. How does she do that? Korto is one of the chagrined tablecloth users, but she spruces up her bodice with kale and cherry tomatoes, turning out to be the sole designer to use produce. Daniel irons blue plastic cups to melt into a dress shape, which doesn't look promising at first, but really comes together. Blayne is the love child of Kato Kaelin and Gretchen Weiners. He never tires of patting himself on the back, even as he constructs a fugly mess that looks like the model just put on a jumbo Depends diaper. Jerry creates what he calls a "raincoat" over a "summer dress", but which Panny more accurately describes as "something you'd wear to clean up a crime scene". I'm not sure how he was able to pull off something boring and ugly simultaneously.
After the runway show, Kelli, Korto, and Daniel are declared the top three, while Stella, Jerry, and Blayne sink to the bottom. I find Kelli's coffee-filter-boob-explosion bodice a bit distracting, but fully support her win and attendant immunity, because the skirt part is so lovely. Stella thinks she's toast, but in a pleasant surprise, she's spared so that Jerry is booted for his raincoat monstrosity. Hey, I actually agree with both the winner and the loser! And the challenge was an actual challenge! This is a much more promising start than last season's snoozer.
Overall Grade: B+
Welcome to the kickoff of the new Project Runway season, which for the most part gets started like...every other season of Project Runway. Timiffany's DVR actually cut off the first few minutes, but I assume that I didn't miss much. Let me guess. So-and-so has a "passion for fashion". Clothes are so-and-so's life. So-and-so gave up a lot to be here. Oh, and so-and-so? Not here to make friends:
When we join the program already in progress, the traditional toast on the roof is still going on, and we've missed several people's names. Eh, it's not that important yet. There's that one guy, and that nondescript girl, and that cute guy, and the quiet guy, and those guys who mistakenly think they're edgy, and a dude who needs to start over from gene #1, and a lady with really bad hair, and apparently, an extra from Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome.
The first challenge, which is always about innovation, is lifted wholesale from the first challenge of the first season. I actually haven't seen the first season yet, so it's all good by me. Austin, who you'll remember won that challenge in the days of yore, is on-hand to guest judge the new designers, who have half an hour and $75 to shop for supplies in a grocery store. I guess the new crop of kids hasn't bothered to watch any of the previous seasons, because while it's totally obvious that creativity is the main focus of the challenge, many of them just pick up tablecloths and call it a day. During the construction phase, Tim Gunn blasts them all for being boring slackers, and it's a welcome return to form after episode upon episode of Tim muttering his catchphrases and leaving.
Stella has bought garbage bags to construct her dress, and is upset to discover that they're not as durable as she'd like. She falls apart during construction, having thoroughly convinced herself that she's painted herself into a corner. Terri does something very fetching with mop heads, which was an appropriate choice of material, given her hairstyle. Kelli makes a beautiful, creative dress out of paper, dye, and bleach, which Kender knew from the moment she started would turn out lovely. How does she do that? Korto is one of the chagrined tablecloth users, but she spruces up her bodice with kale and cherry tomatoes, turning out to be the sole designer to use produce. Daniel irons blue plastic cups to melt into a dress shape, which doesn't look promising at first, but really comes together. Blayne is the love child of Kato Kaelin and Gretchen Weiners. He never tires of patting himself on the back, even as he constructs a fugly mess that looks like the model just put on a jumbo Depends diaper. Jerry creates what he calls a "raincoat" over a "summer dress", but which Panny more accurately describes as "something you'd wear to clean up a crime scene". I'm not sure how he was able to pull off something boring and ugly simultaneously.
After the runway show, Kelli, Korto, and Daniel are declared the top three, while Stella, Jerry, and Blayne sink to the bottom. I find Kelli's coffee-filter-boob-explosion bodice a bit distracting, but fully support her win and attendant immunity, because the skirt part is so lovely. Stella thinks she's toast, but in a pleasant surprise, she's spared so that Jerry is booted for his raincoat monstrosity. Hey, I actually agree with both the winner and the loser! And the challenge was an actual challenge! This is a much more promising start than last season's snoozer.
Overall Grade: B+
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Finale - Part II
Top Chef - Season 4, Episode 14
Well, a combination of no time and little inclination to relive poor Antonia's elimination has made me fall behind on converting last week's episode to the long recap. Tonight's finale cheered me, so I'll be sure to go back and complete the series soon.
As with most finales, the final challenge is to cook a four-course meal in whatever style the chefs like. The first hitch is that they must each select a celebrity sous chef, each of whom come with their own basket of specific proteins. From there, the chefs must do a fish course, a poultry course, a meat course, and a dessert.
All three meals have high points and low points, but as with Casey's flameout, Richard kind of loses it at the last minute, leaving Stephanie and Lisa to battle over the ultimate title, with each of them having the favorite in two of the courses. Thankfully, Stephanie scores the win she richly deserves, which has the additional benefit of not throwing the world into the Apocalypse it would surely enter if Lisa had won.
Well, a combination of no time and little inclination to relive poor Antonia's elimination has made me fall behind on converting last week's episode to the long recap. Tonight's finale cheered me, so I'll be sure to go back and complete the series soon.
As with most finales, the final challenge is to cook a four-course meal in whatever style the chefs like. The first hitch is that they must each select a celebrity sous chef, each of whom come with their own basket of specific proteins. From there, the chefs must do a fish course, a poultry course, a meat course, and a dessert.
All three meals have high points and low points, but as with Casey's flameout, Richard kind of loses it at the last minute, leaving Stephanie and Lisa to battle over the ultimate title, with each of them having the favorite in two of the courses. Thankfully, Stephanie scores the win she richly deserves, which has the additional benefit of not throwing the world into the Apocalypse it would surely enter if Lisa had won.
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
Puerto Rico
Top Chef - Season 4, Episode 13
Boo! From the moment this episode started, I had a sinking feeling that something bad was coming, and that instinct was unfortunately proven right.
The final four meet in Puerto Rico. Lisa's gotten most of her hair chopped off, and the resulting effect is less than successful. The chefs dive right into the Quickfire, which involves making two preparations of fried plantains. Antonia and Richard are the bottom two, which leaves Lisa and Stephanie in the top. Stephanie breaks with tradition by actually winning for once, so that's nice.
After a pointless segment in which the chefs just kind of hang out for the afternoon, Padma explains that for the Elimination Challenge, each chef must break down an entire pig, and make two dishes from different parts of it. To help the chefs out, the last four eliminated contestants are brought back as sous chefs, and Stephanie's Quickfire advantage is to assign who gets whom. She is not Spike, so she actually tries to pair people that will work well together, if possible. She takes Dale, and puts Nikki with Antonia, Spike with Richard, and Andrew with Lisa. All of the pairings work out as harmoniously as can be expected, though Andrew is still not happy with Lisa for selling him out to the judges.
Dale accidentally leaves some of Stephanie's pork sitting out all night, and when it's discovered, she's a lot calmer and nicer about it than she could have been, so good on her for that. She recovers well, and throws together a pig skin salad that is quite popular with the judges. She and Richard take the top two spots, with Richard winning the challenge and a car to go with it. Schmancy! Lisa and Antonia sink to the bottom, and Lisa's odd ability to jinx the person she goes to losers' table with continues unabated, as Antonia is sent home. Sniff. Stephanie and Richard don't have a moment to get over the shock before Lisa jumps down their throats for not being thrilled for her, which is of course two seconds before she turns around and whines to us that this isn't a popularity contest. Sure it isn't, sweetie. You sailed into the final three with that awesome cooking prowess; not because you're a total trainwreck.
Boo! From the moment this episode started, I had a sinking feeling that something bad was coming, and that instinct was unfortunately proven right.
The final four meet in Puerto Rico. Lisa's gotten most of her hair chopped off, and the resulting effect is less than successful. The chefs dive right into the Quickfire, which involves making two preparations of fried plantains. Antonia and Richard are the bottom two, which leaves Lisa and Stephanie in the top. Stephanie breaks with tradition by actually winning for once, so that's nice.
After a pointless segment in which the chefs just kind of hang out for the afternoon, Padma explains that for the Elimination Challenge, each chef must break down an entire pig, and make two dishes from different parts of it. To help the chefs out, the last four eliminated contestants are brought back as sous chefs, and Stephanie's Quickfire advantage is to assign who gets whom. She is not Spike, so she actually tries to pair people that will work well together, if possible. She takes Dale, and puts Nikki with Antonia, Spike with Richard, and Andrew with Lisa. All of the pairings work out as harmoniously as can be expected, though Andrew is still not happy with Lisa for selling him out to the judges.
Dale accidentally leaves some of Stephanie's pork sitting out all night, and when it's discovered, she's a lot calmer and nicer about it than she could have been, so good on her for that. She recovers well, and throws together a pig skin salad that is quite popular with the judges. She and Richard take the top two spots, with Richard winning the challenge and a car to go with it. Schmancy! Lisa and Antonia sink to the bottom, and Lisa's odd ability to jinx the person she goes to losers' table with continues unabated, as Antonia is sent home. Sniff. Stephanie and Richard don't have a moment to get over the shock before Lisa jumps down their throats for not being thrilled for her, which is of course two seconds before she turns around and whines to us that this isn't a popularity contest. Sure it isn't, sweetie. You sailed into the final three with that awesome cooking prowess; not because you're a total trainwreck.
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
High Steaks
Top Chef - Season 4, Episode 12
Previously on Top Chef: Restaurant Wars snuck up on me, and launched a surprise attack. The ongoing war between Lisa and Edible Rice culminated in a bowl of disgusting sludge. Dale continued to be as likable as a feral cat with mange. Team Winner lived up to their name, as did Team Loser. Spike managed to avoid the heat by staying out of the kitchen. So that's where that saying comes from. Dale and Lisa were evenly matched in poor food and poor attitude, but in a strange twist, Dale was eliminated over the clearly inferior Lisa. It was an unsettling decision that disturbed me for a full three seconds. Then I realized that we're rid of Dale, so the ends really, really justify the means in this case. Five chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening menu. Along with the usual assortment of meats, cheeses, and crackers, Panny brought along a nice, fresh tomato/mozzarella/basil dip that delighted all.
Morning in Chicago. People walk to work, some in painful-looking shoes. Change at the office! Over at the house, we get the usual themes: Getting to the final four, Women Power, and how everyone needs to keep their focus. Especially me. This has been a good season, but we're getting to that traditional point where I'm sick of these people. The chefs head out for the day.
Quickfire Challenge. Instead of going to the Kitchen, the chefs go a local meat purveyor, where a staff member sets everyone up with hats, hairnets, and what appear to be cardboard crotch-guards. Sexy! The challenge today involves butchering meat, which appears to be a pretty difficult process. Spike interviews that both of his grandfathers were butchers, which is kind of cool. The chefs are led to a line of long-bone rib-eye. The chefs will have twenty minutes to cut their hunks of meat into individual chops, while making sure that bone is frenched (exposed, and sticking out like a large handle). Lisa and Antonia are nervous, knowing that bad cuts can ruin the meat, and that the time limit would be tough for even a real butcher. Ready? And...go!
The "dry age" (the crusty external mold covering that is trimmed in this process) gives the chefs some trouble. Richard chooses to chop first and trim the dry age afterwards. Spike does the opposite, attacking the dry age first. From there, it's a simple matter of slicing and cleanup. Spike's chops look wonderful, and he interviews that the process was so easy, it wasn't even funny. Yeah, it does seem to come very naturally to him. Go, grandpas! Stephanie, as is her wont in Quickfires, is at a complete loss. Lisa worries that she won't make it into the top four. Please. She should be happy she made it into the top eight. Time runs out. Spike is pleased with himself, as always. The chefs pack up their steaks, and head back to the Kitchen, where they're met by this week's guest judge, Rick Tramonto. Padma explains that there is a second part to tonight's Quickfire, and the four chefs left at the end of this round will go on to the finals in Puerto Rico. The chefs must now prepare their steaks to a medium-rare doneness. LabRat crinkles his nose. Not me; give me some of that yummy, yummy blood. For once, it seems the winner won't be determined by flavor or seasoning. It'll simply come down to butchery skills and the ability to cook the meat to its proper doneness.
Padma starts the thirty-minute countdown. Lisa interviews that getting a steak to a proper temperature should be second-nature to a chef, but when she's under a lot of pressure, she tends to second-guess herself. She says she gauges it by touch, not temperature. Spike suggests cooking the steak the same amount on both sides, so that it's pink all the way through. Richard bemoans not having enough time to do something fancy. Stephanie tries to balance cooking time with resting time. Antonia puts a nice char on both sides to seal in the flavor, and then blasts the hell out of her meat with an ocean of butter. Time runs out.
Padma and Rick go down the line. Richard roasted, grilled, and charred the meat with his torch. Any excuse to use that torch, eh? Why am I Canadian all of a sudden? Rick mutters over Lisa and Stephanie's steaks, but takes a nice long look at the row of Spike's chops. Antonia is asked how long her meat has rested, and she says it's been about five minutes. Results. First in the bottom three is Stephanie, who must be required by law to screw up Quickfires. Her butchery was poor and her meat was undercooked. Richard's butchery was inconsistent and his meat was also undercooked. I guess we know what that means for the good news. Lisa's steak was cooked very well. Spike did an amazing job on the butchering. Antonia had a beautiful crust, and the meat was cooked perfectly. The ultimate winner is Spike, who is pleased to have done his family proud. No, wait. That's not what he said. He's pleased to have won, because he's passionate about making good food. Oops, that's not what he said either. No, in true Spike fashion, the best part about winning the challenge is showing up the other four contestants. Sigh. He's certainly consistent, isn't he?
Elimination Challenge. Padma says that the chefs will be entrusted with something very precious. They will be taking over Rick's steak house tomorrow night. Rick says that the restaurant has been fortunate enough to win some awards, and is very popular, so he hopes the chefs won't screw it up. Each of the five chefs will be responsible for their own individual appetizer and entree. The menu must be based on ingredients found in Rick's kitchen. As winner of the Quickfire, Spike will get first pick of proteins for both appetizer and entree. Well, there's no way Spike could blow that kind of advantage, huh? At the very least, he'll have learned his lesson from the boxed lunch debacle, right? Hello? Bueller? Lisa shrugs off Spike's advantage, saying that it puts a lot of pressure on him, because he'll be forced into a decision he may not be pleased to be stuck with ten minutes later. Rick begs the chefs to take care of his customers. The chefs are dismissed.
Back at the house, the chefs eat their steaks, and stroke Spike's ego about his amazing butchery skills. Spike interviews that as far as the female chefs go, Stephanie is the strongest, and he'd like to see Antonia go. I'd want the same thing in his position, and not because Antonia is a bad chef. Even though the audience can't taste any of this food, we sure get an idea of how the chefs' work is generally perceived by the judges, and Antonia tends to blow Spike away. As do Richard and Stephanie. The chefs all agree that going home on this challenge would suck extra hard. Richard says that being eliminated now would be no different than being eliminated first. Really? Why don't we ask Nimma how she feels about that? Who? Exactly.
Commercials. Take advantage of a program that automatically relocates money from one of your accounts to another. It'll be super convenient when you start over-drawing and get pummeled with tons of fees!
The next evening, the chefs head for Rick's restaurant. That's an awful lot of neon for what's being presented as a classy steak house. The inside is very pretty, though. Once in the kitchen, Spike has five minutes to pick his proteins. He quickly sifts though the food in the walk-in, and settles on the same tomahawk chops he prepared in the Quickfire for his entree, and a bag of frozen scallops for his appetizer. The other chefs are all "Whaaaaaa?", because you know how these folks feel about frozen food. Lisa grabs shrimp and New York strip steak. Antonia gets some veggies and rib-eye. Stephanie takes veal sweetbread and tenderloin, explaining that they've got three hours to prep. Lisa says she'll be making a peanut butter mashed potato for her steak, which sounds odd and vaguely unappetizing, but I'd be curious to try it. Richard gets a purple flame going on the stove. He's preparing some thinly-sliced hamachi with some sweetbreads, and beef tenderloin.
Antonia and Lisa have a friendly spar about the heat of the oven that the show appears to try and play up as dramatic, even though they're totally kidding with each other. I have to say, with Dale gone, Lisa's a lot less irritating. She doesn't want to be eliminated. From now on, I'll just assume that you're all aware that nobody wants to be eliminated tonight. Spike says that when he opened his bag of scallops, they were all torn, and soaking wet. Now where would moisture come from in a bag of frozen shellfish? Ummmm..... He piles the scallops on paper towels in an effort to soak up the water. With an hour and a half left, Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste. He intimates to Richard that his dishes are a bit simple, given the kind of twists Richard's done in the past. The barb gets under Richard's skin, but he tries to shrug it off. Ptom seems as skeptical of Lisa's peanut butter potatoes as I am. Spike tells him that he doesn't have a problem with using frozen scallops, but is disappointed in these particular ones. Ptom gathers the chefs to tell them they'll have about sixty diners, plus the judges and three VIP guests. Ptom himself will be expediting. Spike worries about his scallops, calling it "ironic" that his advantage bit him in the ass. I think Spike has been taking lessons in irony from Alanis Morissette. Antonia pre-prepares her steaks.
Commercials. Aw, forget the dumb chips. That's such a cute little piggy!
Time winds down, and the chefs put the finishing touches on their food. When time runs out, Ptom calls the chefs over to meet the three VIP guests. Why, It's Harold, Ilan, and Hung! Two deserving Top Chef winners, and a scum-sucking asshole I wouldn't piss on if he were on fire! I'll leave it you to sort out which is which. Ptom asks if the three of them have any suggestions for the fledgling chefs. Harold tells them to cook in their own styles, and to be true to themselves. Hung tells them to do what they've got to do to win; not be fan favorite. Someone's bitter! Ilan tells them not to shave anybody's head. Hahahahahaha! Because leading an attack on his enemy that paved the way for someone to be thrown out of the competition for assault is so fucking hilarious! Hahahaha! See, this is why I never buy any of that post-show whining about how the mean editors made someone look worse than they are in life. Those three just had exactly the responses you'd expect from them: Harold was straightforward and measured, Hung was practical if a bit full of himself, and Ilan was a rectal scraping from a diseased bison. I will be ignoring him for the rest of tonight. One season of him was plenty. The previous winners seat themselves, and Antonia worries that they'll probably be more critical than any judge.
Speaking of whom, Padma, Gail, and Rick walk in and join the table. Various diners pick and choose their appetizers, while Gail tells the server that the judges' table will be getting a tasting menu of everything. Ptom tells the chefs to make six portions of everything, cut down to about 1/3 the size. This throws everyone for a loop for some reason. Food begins to go out. Lisa's appetizer is grilled and chilled shrimp, with lemon zest and a tomato salad on some crostini. Hung thinks it needs more sugar, but Rick and Padma love the lemon. Gail and Harold agree that chilling the shrimp takes out a lot of its flavor. Richard's appetizer is thinly-sliced hamachi with crisped sweetbreads, which is served with radish, avocado, and yuzu. It looks good. Rick says that it's delicious, and a nice combination of hot and cold. He'd put it on his menu "in a heartbeat". Spike's scallops are seared and served with hearts of palm, oyster mushrooms, and scallions. The judges are all underwhelmed. Stephanie's veal sweetbreads are crisped, and served with golden raisins, pine nuts, bacon, fennel, and a sweet & sour sauce. Harold wishes the pine nuts had been toasted, but likes it very much overall. Hung likes the tartness. Gail says Stephanie's dish had everything Spike's didn't. Ouch. Antonia's mushroom and artichoke salad has a bacon vinaigrette and a perfectly poached egg on top. The judges like the egg, but are unimpressed with the rest of the salad.
Now, to the entrees. Richard plates too slowly for Ptom's tastes. It's because his plate has those artsy-fartsy slashes and dots of sauces. I think he's trying to make up for the simplicity of the food with an overly technical presentation. He's got a beef filet with a potato puree, and it's served with turnips, red wine, and pickled Brussels sprouts. Harold likes the pickled sprouts when combined with the meat, and Padma wonders why Richard didn't do that to begin with. Lisa has a New York strip steak with an apple caramel sauce, an apple/peanut gastrique, and the aforementioned peanut butter mashed potatoes. The judges aren't wowed by the meat itself, but the peanut butter potatoes are a nice surprise. Now I really want to try those. Spike's tomahawk chop looks overly done from the picture they show, and it's served with a sweet potato puree, blanched Brussels sprouts, and cipollini (similar to onions). As with his scallops, the entree gets a solid "meh". Stephanie's entree is beef tenderloin with wild mushrooms and an apple sauce. The judges think it's gorgeous, as well as tasty. Antonia sends out her bone-in rib-eye, served with fennel and cipollinis, with a shallot/potato gratin. Rick ranks it above the other entrees, because it's the most rounded.
Other diners enjoy the food. Contrived toasts are filmed. The service slows down. Stephanie is confident in how she did, and doesn't think she could have done any better. Ptom requests portions of everything for himself. Antonia interviews that she doesn't think she'll be going home, realizes that she's just set herself up for the Fate-tempting elimination, and immediately amends her statement to say she has no idea who's going. Heh.
Commercials. Sorry, M. Night. You've run out of strikes.
Judges' Table. The chefs settle in for their fret 'n' sweat, and load up on wine. Lisa raises her beer to the other chefs, saying that they're all "fuckin' awesome". She really has calmed down. Padma enters, thanks them for a great meal, and summons everyone to the table. Odd Asian music. Gong. Padma reminds the chefs that for one of them, the journey ends tonight. Thanks, I wasn't sure, what with the twenty billion interviews we've gotten about how it all comes down to this challenge. Richard is asked how he thinks he did, and he hedges, not wanting to be all "I was awesome!" right before getting shot down. The judges tease him a little more by asking if he'd put his appetizer on his own menu (he gives another ambiguous answer about tweaking a couple of things) before Rick lets him off the hook by saying how much he liked it. The main course wasn't as big a hit. Gail says the meat was a bit undercooked on some plates, and Richard can't keep a momentary dirty look off his face for that one. He recovers quickly. Stephanie didn't show any pressure until this moment. Rick loved her sweetbreads, and Padma asks if she'd change anything about the entree. Stephanie would have liked for it to have a little more acidity. The judges ascertain that she hadn't made that dish before.
Lisa's appetizer was good, but Gail wishes the shrimp had been warm. Rick says he struggled with her appetizer, saying he really couldn't "get [his] arms" around it. Her entree was more successful, though it could have used a little more technical skill. Ptom's steak was cooked somewhat unevenly. Antonia's egg was perfect, and her entree suited the atmosphere extremely well. Spike says he fell in love with the tomahawk chop in the Quickfire, so that's why he chose it for the Elimination Challenge. Gail says that her portion of his entree was very good. The dreaded frozen scallops are brought up. Ptom wonders why Spike didn't pick from the vast array of fresh ingredients. He hints that Spike had the option to send the scallops back and pick something else, but I got the sense that he was required by the rules to stick by the scallops once he picked them. I mean, Ptom would know better than I, but what would happen if Spike exchanged the scallops after everyone else picked their proteins? Would that go against the stated advantage for winning the Quickfire? It's a mystery.
Rick says that chefs have to make choices and that if a vendor brings in an unacceptable ingredient, the chef should change the game plan. Spike says that "with all due respect, they were in your walk-in, and they should never make it into the walk-in if it's not high quality". Richard's face mirrors mine, and conveys the following sentiment: "DAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMN!" Ptom gets a death glare. I will say this for Spike -- that took some balls. It was also one of the dumbest things he could possibly say at this point. Ptom and Company have done some scrambling since this episode, writing a blog post defending Rick by saying that the food brought in specifically for this episode included the frozen scallops, and that they're not generally a part of the restaurant's inventory. In fact, they were planted to see how the chefs responded to them. Naturally, Spike was unhappy to learn of this, calling it "bullshit" and "trickery at its best". That's true, and at the same time? Steering competitors away from a food source? Choosing ingredients based solely on how much damage he can do to the other chefs' menus? Sticking like glue to the dining room to avoid the inevitable disaster that befalls the kitchen? It's a tired cliche, but it's also a valid one: Don't dish it out if you can't take it. I'm not wild about the production laying that little trap, but nobody forced Spike to use the scallops, so I'm not very sympathetic.
The chefs are dismissed. Spike tries to repair some of the damage by shaking Rick's hand on the way out, saying it was an honor to work in his restaurant. Yeah, it's weak, but what can he do at this point? Back in the Kitchen, he says he can't believe he said that, and has no idea where it came from. From the section of your brain that frantically looks for someone else to blame for your mistakes? It's not like it's been in hiding. The other chefs are, like, "Sucks to be you." Deliberations. Ptom likes the challenge, because all of the chefs were self-contained. Yep, nobody to blame but yourself if something goes wrong. Not that I'm projecting my bias or anything. Rick says that Stephanie had the most well-rounded meal. Gail liked that she came up with something new. Richard's appetizer was innovative and delicious, but his entree was disjointed. Antonia's steak was probably the best entree, and she's a very insightful cook. Both of Spike's courses had issues. Ptom says that Spike wants to stick to a simple style, but that if you're going to do that, the food has to be perfect. Rick found him disappointing after such a successful Quickfire. Ptom says that "what bothers me about Lisa..."
Tiffany: "...is her face."
Heh. It's actually that he feels she's apathetic about her cooking. Padma thinks she has a good palate, and focuses more on flavor than technique. They try to decide between Spike and Lisa as to who had the bigger problem. Rick lies that this is a cooking competition, and that personality doesn't enter into it at all. He somehow manages to avoid being struck by lightning. I guess it's because he's the guest judge. Gail contradicts herself within two sentences by saying that Spike put more work into his dish, but agrees with Ptom when he says that Spike didn't put much work into his entree at all. Padma drama queens about what an important decision this is. The judges reach a verdict.
Commercials. Shear Genius is back, along with Jaclyn Smith as host.
LabRat: "Eh, I'm more of a Kate Jackson fan."
Limecrete: "You weren't in the cult of Farrah?"
LabRat: *scoffs*
Panny: "Farrah Fawcett has nipples like fucking push-pins."
Elimination. First, the good news. Stephanie wins her fifth Elimination Challenge. She gets a copy of Rick's book (Zzzzz...), followed by a bunch of kitchen appliances (Oooh, much better!). She also, obviously, is moving on to the finals in Puerto Rico. Richard had the favorite appetizer of the evening, and advances to the finals. Antonia had the favorite entree of the evening, and advances to the finals. The three of them are dismissed, and celebrate back in the Kitchen. Now, to the bottom two. Ptom tells Lisa she's been at the losers' table five times so far, and Spike has been there seven times. It's actually six and eight if you count tonight. Lisa isn't pushing hard enough. At least not with her food. Her shrimp was weak, and she needs to show more passion. Spike has to take responsibility for his choices, and needs greater skill if he's going to work with simple flavors. Over to Padma for the chop. Spike. Please pack your knives and go. Dug your own grave there, Spike. Geez, I don't even think Mike, who was so far beneath his competitors that they could have dropped a penny and killed him, was at losers' table so much.
Spike gives Lisa a hug, and thanks the judges for the opportunity. Lisa tells the judges she'll "bring it" for the finals. Oh, it's already been BROUGHTEN! Does Spike make sure to include how much awesomer he is than his competitors in his final interview? And how! After some more blather about how nobody puts Spikey in the corner, he and his hats drag themselves home. The final four are giddy and excited. Me, too. There's a good chance I'm going to be completely satisfied with the winner, which hasn't happened in a while.
Next week on Top Chef: Puerto Rico. Lisa has gotten herself a horribly unflattering bull-dyke haircut. Nothing against my lesbian brethren, but seriously, ladies. Enough with that. Chopping meat is apparently more dramatic than Ben-Hur.
Overall Grade: B+
Previously on Top Chef: Restaurant Wars snuck up on me, and launched a surprise attack. The ongoing war between Lisa and Edible Rice culminated in a bowl of disgusting sludge. Dale continued to be as likable as a feral cat with mange. Team Winner lived up to their name, as did Team Loser. Spike managed to avoid the heat by staying out of the kitchen. So that's where that saying comes from. Dale and Lisa were evenly matched in poor food and poor attitude, but in a strange twist, Dale was eliminated over the clearly inferior Lisa. It was an unsettling decision that disturbed me for a full three seconds. Then I realized that we're rid of Dale, so the ends really, really justify the means in this case. Five chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening menu. Along with the usual assortment of meats, cheeses, and crackers, Panny brought along a nice, fresh tomato/mozzarella/basil dip that delighted all.
Morning in Chicago. People walk to work, some in painful-looking shoes. Change at the office! Over at the house, we get the usual themes: Getting to the final four, Women Power, and how everyone needs to keep their focus. Especially me. This has been a good season, but we're getting to that traditional point where I'm sick of these people. The chefs head out for the day.
Quickfire Challenge. Instead of going to the Kitchen, the chefs go a local meat purveyor, where a staff member sets everyone up with hats, hairnets, and what appear to be cardboard crotch-guards. Sexy! The challenge today involves butchering meat, which appears to be a pretty difficult process. Spike interviews that both of his grandfathers were butchers, which is kind of cool. The chefs are led to a line of long-bone rib-eye. The chefs will have twenty minutes to cut their hunks of meat into individual chops, while making sure that bone is frenched (exposed, and sticking out like a large handle). Lisa and Antonia are nervous, knowing that bad cuts can ruin the meat, and that the time limit would be tough for even a real butcher. Ready? And...go!
The "dry age" (the crusty external mold covering that is trimmed in this process) gives the chefs some trouble. Richard chooses to chop first and trim the dry age afterwards. Spike does the opposite, attacking the dry age first. From there, it's a simple matter of slicing and cleanup. Spike's chops look wonderful, and he interviews that the process was so easy, it wasn't even funny. Yeah, it does seem to come very naturally to him. Go, grandpas! Stephanie, as is her wont in Quickfires, is at a complete loss. Lisa worries that she won't make it into the top four. Please. She should be happy she made it into the top eight. Time runs out. Spike is pleased with himself, as always. The chefs pack up their steaks, and head back to the Kitchen, where they're met by this week's guest judge, Rick Tramonto. Padma explains that there is a second part to tonight's Quickfire, and the four chefs left at the end of this round will go on to the finals in Puerto Rico. The chefs must now prepare their steaks to a medium-rare doneness. LabRat crinkles his nose. Not me; give me some of that yummy, yummy blood. For once, it seems the winner won't be determined by flavor or seasoning. It'll simply come down to butchery skills and the ability to cook the meat to its proper doneness.
Padma starts the thirty-minute countdown. Lisa interviews that getting a steak to a proper temperature should be second-nature to a chef, but when she's under a lot of pressure, she tends to second-guess herself. She says she gauges it by touch, not temperature. Spike suggests cooking the steak the same amount on both sides, so that it's pink all the way through. Richard bemoans not having enough time to do something fancy. Stephanie tries to balance cooking time with resting time. Antonia puts a nice char on both sides to seal in the flavor, and then blasts the hell out of her meat with an ocean of butter. Time runs out.
Padma and Rick go down the line. Richard roasted, grilled, and charred the meat with his torch. Any excuse to use that torch, eh? Why am I Canadian all of a sudden? Rick mutters over Lisa and Stephanie's steaks, but takes a nice long look at the row of Spike's chops. Antonia is asked how long her meat has rested, and she says it's been about five minutes. Results. First in the bottom three is Stephanie, who must be required by law to screw up Quickfires. Her butchery was poor and her meat was undercooked. Richard's butchery was inconsistent and his meat was also undercooked. I guess we know what that means for the good news. Lisa's steak was cooked very well. Spike did an amazing job on the butchering. Antonia had a beautiful crust, and the meat was cooked perfectly. The ultimate winner is Spike, who is pleased to have done his family proud. No, wait. That's not what he said. He's pleased to have won, because he's passionate about making good food. Oops, that's not what he said either. No, in true Spike fashion, the best part about winning the challenge is showing up the other four contestants. Sigh. He's certainly consistent, isn't he?
Elimination Challenge. Padma says that the chefs will be entrusted with something very precious. They will be taking over Rick's steak house tomorrow night. Rick says that the restaurant has been fortunate enough to win some awards, and is very popular, so he hopes the chefs won't screw it up. Each of the five chefs will be responsible for their own individual appetizer and entree. The menu must be based on ingredients found in Rick's kitchen. As winner of the Quickfire, Spike will get first pick of proteins for both appetizer and entree. Well, there's no way Spike could blow that kind of advantage, huh? At the very least, he'll have learned his lesson from the boxed lunch debacle, right? Hello? Bueller? Lisa shrugs off Spike's advantage, saying that it puts a lot of pressure on him, because he'll be forced into a decision he may not be pleased to be stuck with ten minutes later. Rick begs the chefs to take care of his customers. The chefs are dismissed.
Back at the house, the chefs eat their steaks, and stroke Spike's ego about his amazing butchery skills. Spike interviews that as far as the female chefs go, Stephanie is the strongest, and he'd like to see Antonia go. I'd want the same thing in his position, and not because Antonia is a bad chef. Even though the audience can't taste any of this food, we sure get an idea of how the chefs' work is generally perceived by the judges, and Antonia tends to blow Spike away. As do Richard and Stephanie. The chefs all agree that going home on this challenge would suck extra hard. Richard says that being eliminated now would be no different than being eliminated first. Really? Why don't we ask Nimma how she feels about that? Who? Exactly.
Commercials. Take advantage of a program that automatically relocates money from one of your accounts to another. It'll be super convenient when you start over-drawing and get pummeled with tons of fees!
The next evening, the chefs head for Rick's restaurant. That's an awful lot of neon for what's being presented as a classy steak house. The inside is very pretty, though. Once in the kitchen, Spike has five minutes to pick his proteins. He quickly sifts though the food in the walk-in, and settles on the same tomahawk chops he prepared in the Quickfire for his entree, and a bag of frozen scallops for his appetizer. The other chefs are all "Whaaaaaa?", because you know how these folks feel about frozen food. Lisa grabs shrimp and New York strip steak. Antonia gets some veggies and rib-eye. Stephanie takes veal sweetbread and tenderloin, explaining that they've got three hours to prep. Lisa says she'll be making a peanut butter mashed potato for her steak, which sounds odd and vaguely unappetizing, but I'd be curious to try it. Richard gets a purple flame going on the stove. He's preparing some thinly-sliced hamachi with some sweetbreads, and beef tenderloin.
Antonia and Lisa have a friendly spar about the heat of the oven that the show appears to try and play up as dramatic, even though they're totally kidding with each other. I have to say, with Dale gone, Lisa's a lot less irritating. She doesn't want to be eliminated. From now on, I'll just assume that you're all aware that nobody wants to be eliminated tonight. Spike says that when he opened his bag of scallops, they were all torn, and soaking wet. Now where would moisture come from in a bag of frozen shellfish? Ummmm..... He piles the scallops on paper towels in an effort to soak up the water. With an hour and a half left, Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste. He intimates to Richard that his dishes are a bit simple, given the kind of twists Richard's done in the past. The barb gets under Richard's skin, but he tries to shrug it off. Ptom seems as skeptical of Lisa's peanut butter potatoes as I am. Spike tells him that he doesn't have a problem with using frozen scallops, but is disappointed in these particular ones. Ptom gathers the chefs to tell them they'll have about sixty diners, plus the judges and three VIP guests. Ptom himself will be expediting. Spike worries about his scallops, calling it "ironic" that his advantage bit him in the ass. I think Spike has been taking lessons in irony from Alanis Morissette. Antonia pre-prepares her steaks.
Commercials. Aw, forget the dumb chips. That's such a cute little piggy!
Time winds down, and the chefs put the finishing touches on their food. When time runs out, Ptom calls the chefs over to meet the three VIP guests. Why, It's Harold, Ilan, and Hung! Two deserving Top Chef winners, and a scum-sucking asshole I wouldn't piss on if he were on fire! I'll leave it you to sort out which is which. Ptom asks if the three of them have any suggestions for the fledgling chefs. Harold tells them to cook in their own styles, and to be true to themselves. Hung tells them to do what they've got to do to win; not be fan favorite. Someone's bitter! Ilan tells them not to shave anybody's head. Hahahahahaha! Because leading an attack on his enemy that paved the way for someone to be thrown out of the competition for assault is so fucking hilarious! Hahahaha! See, this is why I never buy any of that post-show whining about how the mean editors made someone look worse than they are in life. Those three just had exactly the responses you'd expect from them: Harold was straightforward and measured, Hung was practical if a bit full of himself, and Ilan was a rectal scraping from a diseased bison. I will be ignoring him for the rest of tonight. One season of him was plenty. The previous winners seat themselves, and Antonia worries that they'll probably be more critical than any judge.
Speaking of whom, Padma, Gail, and Rick walk in and join the table. Various diners pick and choose their appetizers, while Gail tells the server that the judges' table will be getting a tasting menu of everything. Ptom tells the chefs to make six portions of everything, cut down to about 1/3 the size. This throws everyone for a loop for some reason. Food begins to go out. Lisa's appetizer is grilled and chilled shrimp, with lemon zest and a tomato salad on some crostini. Hung thinks it needs more sugar, but Rick and Padma love the lemon. Gail and Harold agree that chilling the shrimp takes out a lot of its flavor. Richard's appetizer is thinly-sliced hamachi with crisped sweetbreads, which is served with radish, avocado, and yuzu. It looks good. Rick says that it's delicious, and a nice combination of hot and cold. He'd put it on his menu "in a heartbeat". Spike's scallops are seared and served with hearts of palm, oyster mushrooms, and scallions. The judges are all underwhelmed. Stephanie's veal sweetbreads are crisped, and served with golden raisins, pine nuts, bacon, fennel, and a sweet & sour sauce. Harold wishes the pine nuts had been toasted, but likes it very much overall. Hung likes the tartness. Gail says Stephanie's dish had everything Spike's didn't. Ouch. Antonia's mushroom and artichoke salad has a bacon vinaigrette and a perfectly poached egg on top. The judges like the egg, but are unimpressed with the rest of the salad.
Now, to the entrees. Richard plates too slowly for Ptom's tastes. It's because his plate has those artsy-fartsy slashes and dots of sauces. I think he's trying to make up for the simplicity of the food with an overly technical presentation. He's got a beef filet with a potato puree, and it's served with turnips, red wine, and pickled Brussels sprouts. Harold likes the pickled sprouts when combined with the meat, and Padma wonders why Richard didn't do that to begin with. Lisa has a New York strip steak with an apple caramel sauce, an apple/peanut gastrique, and the aforementioned peanut butter mashed potatoes. The judges aren't wowed by the meat itself, but the peanut butter potatoes are a nice surprise. Now I really want to try those. Spike's tomahawk chop looks overly done from the picture they show, and it's served with a sweet potato puree, blanched Brussels sprouts, and cipollini (similar to onions). As with his scallops, the entree gets a solid "meh". Stephanie's entree is beef tenderloin with wild mushrooms and an apple sauce. The judges think it's gorgeous, as well as tasty. Antonia sends out her bone-in rib-eye, served with fennel and cipollinis, with a shallot/potato gratin. Rick ranks it above the other entrees, because it's the most rounded.
Other diners enjoy the food. Contrived toasts are filmed. The service slows down. Stephanie is confident in how she did, and doesn't think she could have done any better. Ptom requests portions of everything for himself. Antonia interviews that she doesn't think she'll be going home, realizes that she's just set herself up for the Fate-tempting elimination, and immediately amends her statement to say she has no idea who's going. Heh.
Commercials. Sorry, M. Night. You've run out of strikes.
Judges' Table. The chefs settle in for their fret 'n' sweat, and load up on wine. Lisa raises her beer to the other chefs, saying that they're all "fuckin' awesome". She really has calmed down. Padma enters, thanks them for a great meal, and summons everyone to the table. Odd Asian music. Gong. Padma reminds the chefs that for one of them, the journey ends tonight. Thanks, I wasn't sure, what with the twenty billion interviews we've gotten about how it all comes down to this challenge. Richard is asked how he thinks he did, and he hedges, not wanting to be all "I was awesome!" right before getting shot down. The judges tease him a little more by asking if he'd put his appetizer on his own menu (he gives another ambiguous answer about tweaking a couple of things) before Rick lets him off the hook by saying how much he liked it. The main course wasn't as big a hit. Gail says the meat was a bit undercooked on some plates, and Richard can't keep a momentary dirty look off his face for that one. He recovers quickly. Stephanie didn't show any pressure until this moment. Rick loved her sweetbreads, and Padma asks if she'd change anything about the entree. Stephanie would have liked for it to have a little more acidity. The judges ascertain that she hadn't made that dish before.
Lisa's appetizer was good, but Gail wishes the shrimp had been warm. Rick says he struggled with her appetizer, saying he really couldn't "get [his] arms" around it. Her entree was more successful, though it could have used a little more technical skill. Ptom's steak was cooked somewhat unevenly. Antonia's egg was perfect, and her entree suited the atmosphere extremely well. Spike says he fell in love with the tomahawk chop in the Quickfire, so that's why he chose it for the Elimination Challenge. Gail says that her portion of his entree was very good. The dreaded frozen scallops are brought up. Ptom wonders why Spike didn't pick from the vast array of fresh ingredients. He hints that Spike had the option to send the scallops back and pick something else, but I got the sense that he was required by the rules to stick by the scallops once he picked them. I mean, Ptom would know better than I, but what would happen if Spike exchanged the scallops after everyone else picked their proteins? Would that go against the stated advantage for winning the Quickfire? It's a mystery.
Rick says that chefs have to make choices and that if a vendor brings in an unacceptable ingredient, the chef should change the game plan. Spike says that "with all due respect, they were in your walk-in, and they should never make it into the walk-in if it's not high quality". Richard's face mirrors mine, and conveys the following sentiment: "DAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMN!" Ptom gets a death glare. I will say this for Spike -- that took some balls. It was also one of the dumbest things he could possibly say at this point. Ptom and Company have done some scrambling since this episode, writing a blog post defending Rick by saying that the food brought in specifically for this episode included the frozen scallops, and that they're not generally a part of the restaurant's inventory. In fact, they were planted to see how the chefs responded to them. Naturally, Spike was unhappy to learn of this, calling it "bullshit" and "trickery at its best". That's true, and at the same time? Steering competitors away from a food source? Choosing ingredients based solely on how much damage he can do to the other chefs' menus? Sticking like glue to the dining room to avoid the inevitable disaster that befalls the kitchen? It's a tired cliche, but it's also a valid one: Don't dish it out if you can't take it. I'm not wild about the production laying that little trap, but nobody forced Spike to use the scallops, so I'm not very sympathetic.
The chefs are dismissed. Spike tries to repair some of the damage by shaking Rick's hand on the way out, saying it was an honor to work in his restaurant. Yeah, it's weak, but what can he do at this point? Back in the Kitchen, he says he can't believe he said that, and has no idea where it came from. From the section of your brain that frantically looks for someone else to blame for your mistakes? It's not like it's been in hiding. The other chefs are, like, "Sucks to be you." Deliberations. Ptom likes the challenge, because all of the chefs were self-contained. Yep, nobody to blame but yourself if something goes wrong. Not that I'm projecting my bias or anything. Rick says that Stephanie had the most well-rounded meal. Gail liked that she came up with something new. Richard's appetizer was innovative and delicious, but his entree was disjointed. Antonia's steak was probably the best entree, and she's a very insightful cook. Both of Spike's courses had issues. Ptom says that Spike wants to stick to a simple style, but that if you're going to do that, the food has to be perfect. Rick found him disappointing after such a successful Quickfire. Ptom says that "what bothers me about Lisa..."
Tiffany: "...is her face."
Heh. It's actually that he feels she's apathetic about her cooking. Padma thinks she has a good palate, and focuses more on flavor than technique. They try to decide between Spike and Lisa as to who had the bigger problem. Rick lies that this is a cooking competition, and that personality doesn't enter into it at all. He somehow manages to avoid being struck by lightning. I guess it's because he's the guest judge. Gail contradicts herself within two sentences by saying that Spike put more work into his dish, but agrees with Ptom when he says that Spike didn't put much work into his entree at all. Padma drama queens about what an important decision this is. The judges reach a verdict.
Commercials. Shear Genius is back, along with Jaclyn Smith as host.
LabRat: "Eh, I'm more of a Kate Jackson fan."
Limecrete: "You weren't in the cult of Farrah?"
LabRat: *scoffs*
Panny: "Farrah Fawcett has nipples like fucking push-pins."
Elimination. First, the good news. Stephanie wins her fifth Elimination Challenge. She gets a copy of Rick's book (Zzzzz...), followed by a bunch of kitchen appliances (Oooh, much better!). She also, obviously, is moving on to the finals in Puerto Rico. Richard had the favorite appetizer of the evening, and advances to the finals. Antonia had the favorite entree of the evening, and advances to the finals. The three of them are dismissed, and celebrate back in the Kitchen. Now, to the bottom two. Ptom tells Lisa she's been at the losers' table five times so far, and Spike has been there seven times. It's actually six and eight if you count tonight. Lisa isn't pushing hard enough. At least not with her food. Her shrimp was weak, and she needs to show more passion. Spike has to take responsibility for his choices, and needs greater skill if he's going to work with simple flavors. Over to Padma for the chop. Spike. Please pack your knives and go. Dug your own grave there, Spike. Geez, I don't even think Mike, who was so far beneath his competitors that they could have dropped a penny and killed him, was at losers' table so much.
Spike gives Lisa a hug, and thanks the judges for the opportunity. Lisa tells the judges she'll "bring it" for the finals. Oh, it's already been BROUGHTEN! Does Spike make sure to include how much awesomer he is than his competitors in his final interview? And how! After some more blather about how nobody puts Spikey in the corner, he and his hats drag themselves home. The final four are giddy and excited. Me, too. There's a good chance I'm going to be completely satisfied with the winner, which hasn't happened in a while.
Next week on Top Chef: Puerto Rico. Lisa has gotten herself a horribly unflattering bull-dyke haircut. Nothing against my lesbian brethren, but seriously, ladies. Enough with that. Chopping meat is apparently more dramatic than Ben-Hur.
Overall Grade: B+
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